Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,365 --> 00:00:06,333
I don't usually meet women
as beautiful as you
2
00:00:06,335 --> 00:00:07,401
at a tech convention.
3
00:00:07,403 --> 00:00:08,619
Aw, that's very sweet.
4
00:00:08,621 --> 00:00:11,689
And you were definitely
the hottest guy there.
5
00:00:11,691 --> 00:00:13,707
Thank you.
Although, to be fair,
6
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:16,377
being the hottest guy at a tech
convention is kind of like...
7
00:00:16,379 --> 00:00:19,179
well, being the hottest guy
at a tech convention.
8
00:00:19,181 --> 00:00:22,416
Although, once, I saw
Justin Timberlake
9
00:00:22,418 --> 00:00:24,184
at a Microsoft party.
10
00:00:24,186 --> 00:00:26,637
Lady boner!
11
00:00:26,639 --> 00:00:30,607
Yes, he did bring sexy back
to Windows 8.
12
00:00:30,609 --> 00:00:32,559
So, you said
you work for Google?
13
00:00:32,561 --> 00:00:34,695
That's right, in the
modeling department.
14
00:00:34,697 --> 00:00:36,363
Oh, that's awesome.
Like graphic rendering
15
00:00:36,365 --> 00:00:37,364
and 3-D imaging?
16
00:00:37,366 --> 00:00:39,266
More like pointing.
17
00:00:39,268 --> 00:00:41,118
"New from Google,
18
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,438
confusing tech crap."
19
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,874
Oh, so you're, like,
a model-model?
20
00:00:46,876 --> 00:00:50,444
Yep. You can't spell
Google without "ogle."
21
00:00:50,446 --> 00:00:52,496
Can you?
22
00:00:52,498 --> 00:00:54,748
No, you can't.
23
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,468
But being a model at tech shows
isn't what I really want to do.
24
00:00:57,470 --> 00:00:59,169
I just do it to
pay the bills.
25
00:00:59,171 --> 00:01:01,221
Oh, I get it.
What's your ultimate goal?
26
00:01:01,223 --> 00:01:03,140
I want to help
teach people to read.
27
00:01:03,142 --> 00:01:06,293
Oh, that's noble.
So, you want to be a teacher.
28
00:01:06,295 --> 00:01:08,812
No, I want to be
the next Vanna White.
29
00:01:12,183 --> 00:01:13,901
Oh, you're serious.
30
00:01:13,903 --> 00:01:16,770
Yeah. I mean, she
has an amazing job,
31
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,823
she wears amazing outfits
and she has amazing hair.
32
00:01:19,825 --> 00:01:22,693
Somebody needs to buy
a new, amazing adjective.
33
00:01:22,695 --> 00:01:25,696
You can't buy adjectives.
34
00:01:25,698 --> 00:01:28,082
You can only buy vowels.
35
00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:30,033
Right.
36
00:01:30,035 --> 00:01:31,651
Only vowels.
37
00:01:31,653 --> 00:01:34,254
Well, I owe you
another drink.
38
00:01:34,256 --> 00:01:36,423
"O." "K."
39
00:01:38,293 --> 00:01:42,846
Certainly won't
be any "I" in "U" tonight.
40
00:01:43,865 --> 00:01:46,166
Wow, that girl is gorgeous.
41
00:01:46,168 --> 00:01:47,451
Yeah, she's a model.
42
00:01:47,453 --> 00:01:48,719
We don't really
have a connection.
43
00:01:48,721 --> 00:01:49,853
She's not very bright.
44
00:01:49,855 --> 00:01:51,939
I think she thinks
Silicon Valley is the place
45
00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:53,974
where women go
to get a boob job.
46
00:01:53,976 --> 00:01:56,510
Oh, you want
intellectual stimulation.
47
00:01:56,512 --> 00:01:58,678
Uh, why don't you
watch an episode of Nova
48
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,014
while you're
banging her brains out?
49
00:02:01,016 --> 00:02:03,200
No, I'm gonna go tell her
it's not gonna work out.
50
00:02:03,202 --> 00:02:04,902
Well, if you don't want her,
can I have her?
51
00:02:04,904 --> 00:02:08,739
Oh, sure, let's change shirts.
Maybe she won't notice.
52
00:02:08,741 --> 00:02:09,873
Oh, she's that dumb?
53
00:02:09,875 --> 00:02:10,958
Great.
54
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,743
Walden!
55
00:02:12,745 --> 00:02:15,295
Look, a seagu...
56
00:02:15,297 --> 00:02:16,530
Oh, my God.
57
00:02:16,532 --> 00:02:17,998
Wait.
58
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,250
We didn't switch shirts yet.
59
00:02:21,953 --> 00:02:24,704
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
60
00:02:24,706 --> 00:02:27,221
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
61
00:02:27,224 --> 00:02:31,224
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x09 ♪
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
Original Air Date on December 5, 2013
62
00:02:31,225 --> 00:02:36,225
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
63
00:02:36,251 --> 00:02:37,634
Hey, what's going on?
64
00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:38,835
I was cleaning out my closet
65
00:02:38,837 --> 00:02:40,804
and I found a box
of Jake's old stuff.
66
00:02:40,806 --> 00:02:43,073
Aw, that's sweet.
67
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,241
Who's Jake?
68
00:02:45,343 --> 00:02:47,361
My son. Y-Your cousin.
69
00:02:47,363 --> 00:02:49,630
Oh, right.
70
00:02:49,632 --> 00:02:51,965
Oh, and how did he die?
71
00:02:53,518 --> 00:02:55,736
Oh, no, h-he's not dead.
He's in the Army.
72
00:02:55,738 --> 00:02:57,070
Huh.
73
00:02:57,072 --> 00:02:58,989
Ah. Nice bong.
74
00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:02,859
Guess he's not
fighting the war on drugs.
75
00:03:02,861 --> 00:03:04,861
No, that-that is
a hummingbird feeder.
76
00:03:04,863 --> 00:03:06,113
He made it in art class.
77
00:03:06,115 --> 00:03:08,749
And in shop class,
I made a train whistle.
78
00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,984
Weed, weed!
79
00:03:10,986 --> 00:03:12,336
No, no, seriously.
80
00:03:12,338 --> 00:03:13,870
Uh, one summer,
back in high school,
81
00:03:13,872 --> 00:03:16,506
he and his friends
got into bird watching.
82
00:03:16,508 --> 00:03:19,760
They'd spend all day
out in the woods, and they'd...
83
00:03:19,762 --> 00:03:22,679
they'd come back laughing and...
84
00:03:24,215 --> 00:03:26,767
Oh, God, I'm an idiot.
85
00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:29,502
Don't worry.
All parents are idiots.
86
00:03:29,504 --> 00:03:32,472
My mom used to think I was
locked in the bathroom all day
87
00:03:32,474 --> 00:03:34,107
with an electric toothbrush.
88
00:03:36,145 --> 00:03:38,845
My first wife was always
using her electric tooth...
89
00:03:38,847 --> 00:03:40,781
God, I am an idiot.
90
00:03:41,816 --> 00:03:45,369
Oh, look at this.
One of his old report cards.
91
00:03:45,371 --> 00:03:48,488
Oh, you can still see where
he tried to change his grades.
92
00:03:48,490 --> 00:03:51,291
Yeah, he changed the C's.
93
00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:52,576
To D's.
94
00:03:52,578 --> 00:03:56,296
Yeah. That was the year
his bus got a little shorter.
95
00:03:56,298 --> 00:03:58,031
But, you know,
in his defense,
96
00:03:58,033 --> 00:03:59,816
his teacher changed
that year, too.
97
00:03:59,818 --> 00:04:02,386
She went from C's to D's.
98
00:04:02,388 --> 00:04:03,754
Is this how you're
spending your night?
99
00:04:03,756 --> 00:04:05,973
Oh, no, no. Later,
I'm going to shave my back.
100
00:04:05,975 --> 00:04:07,257
Oh, actually,
if you're not busy...
101
00:04:07,259 --> 00:04:09,343
I am. And so are you.
102
00:04:09,345 --> 00:04:10,844
I'm gonna get a drink.
Where's Walden?
103
00:04:10,846 --> 00:04:13,046
Oh, he had to take his date
to the hospital.
104
00:04:13,048 --> 00:04:16,066
Ooh, what are they pulling out,
and from where?
105
00:04:16,068 --> 00:04:17,517
No, it-it's nothing like that.
106
00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:20,404
She was looking up at the sky
and she fell off the deck.
107
00:04:20,406 --> 00:04:21,721
High?
No.
108
00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:22,906
Drunk?
No.
109
00:04:22,908 --> 00:04:24,274
Model?
Yeah.
110
00:04:26,110 --> 00:04:28,111
♪ Men. ♪
111
00:04:28,113 --> 00:04:29,363
How you feeling?
112
00:04:29,365 --> 00:04:30,447
I'm all right.
113
00:04:30,449 --> 00:04:32,499
Uh, well, we need
to fill out this paperwork.
114
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:34,901
So, uh, first name, Nadine.
115
00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:39,756
This is awkward.
I don't know your last name.
116
00:04:39,758 --> 00:04:43,743
It's H-O-R-E.
117
00:04:43,745 --> 00:04:47,264
H-O-R-E.
118
00:04:48,082 --> 00:04:49,916
Like "hooray"?
119
00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:52,636
No, like "whore."
120
00:04:53,921 --> 00:04:55,439
You think I
should change it?
121
00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:57,357
No, be proud.
122
00:04:57,359 --> 00:05:01,144
I'm sure you come from
a long line of... Hores.
123
00:05:02,313 --> 00:05:04,097
Uh, any relatives
I can call?
124
00:05:04,099 --> 00:05:05,732
No, they're
all back east.
125
00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:08,618
I'm the only Hore
in Los Angeles.
126
00:05:09,603 --> 00:05:11,371
Agree to disagree.
127
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,574
Emergency contacts.
Okay, so no family.
128
00:05:14,576 --> 00:05:17,627
Uh, friends? Roommates?
129
00:05:17,629 --> 00:05:20,130
Anyone you've gone on
more than one date with?
130
00:05:20,132 --> 00:05:21,348
Not really.
131
00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:22,499
I live alone.
132
00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:24,584
I've only been in L.A.
a couple weeks.
133
00:05:24,586 --> 00:05:27,003
The only men in my
life are you and Frank.
134
00:05:27,005 --> 00:05:29,306
Oh, all right.
How do I get a hold of Frank?
135
00:05:29,308 --> 00:05:30,457
He's a pig.
136
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,426
He's a pig,
you're a Hore.
137
00:05:32,428 --> 00:05:33,960
No one's judging.
138
00:05:33,962 --> 00:05:35,679
No, he's my pet pig.
139
00:05:35,681 --> 00:05:38,014
My little frankfurter.
140
00:05:38,016 --> 00:05:39,683
A pig.
141
00:05:39,685 --> 00:05:42,185
Does he sleep
in a blanket?
142
00:05:42,187 --> 00:05:44,571
Yeah, he totally
hogs the covers.
143
00:05:44,573 --> 00:05:48,141
Hogs. Good one.
144
00:05:49,077 --> 00:05:50,911
Never mind.
145
00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:53,447
Uh, what about medications?
146
00:05:53,449 --> 00:05:54,831
Love 'em.
147
00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:57,868
No, I-I think they mean
"are you taking any now?"
148
00:05:57,870 --> 00:06:01,538
Oh, let's see, there's
plaxitril for my depression,
149
00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:03,373
zaxaprin for my anxiety,
150
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:06,009
dilapamin for my
insomnia, and clodex
151
00:06:06,011 --> 00:06:08,678
for my occasional
bouts of rage.
152
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,515
No one likes
an angry Hore.
153
00:06:18,173 --> 00:06:20,857
Why didn't you tell me
we were going to a gay bar?
154
00:06:20,859 --> 00:06:22,692
'Cause if I told you,
you wouldn't have come.
155
00:06:22,694 --> 00:06:25,896
Yes, I would. I just
would've dressed better.
156
00:06:25,898 --> 00:06:27,180
And just to be clear,
157
00:06:27,182 --> 00:06:28,865
you do know I'm
not gay, right?
158
00:06:28,867 --> 00:06:30,200
I don't think you're gay.
159
00:06:30,202 --> 00:06:33,320
I-I mean, do I know guys
that act less gay
160
00:06:33,322 --> 00:06:35,739
that have sex
with other guys? Sure.
161
00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:38,074
But I know
you're straight.
162
00:06:38,076 --> 00:06:40,160
So, why bring me here?
163
00:06:40,162 --> 00:06:41,495
Look around this room.
164
00:06:41,497 --> 00:06:43,713
See all the women here?
Yeah.
165
00:06:43,715 --> 00:06:45,999
Well, some of them
are gay. Those are mine.
166
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:48,552
The rest are straight.
167
00:06:48,554 --> 00:06:49,970
Some of those
are mine, too.
168
00:06:49,972 --> 00:06:51,838
And everyone who's left
169
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,341
is gonna be drunk and horny
by the end of the night
170
00:06:54,343 --> 00:06:58,228
and looking for someone who
doesn't think vaginas are yucky.
171
00:07:00,515 --> 00:07:02,382
Oh, oh, you mean me.
172
00:07:02,384 --> 00:07:04,534
Yay.
173
00:07:04,536 --> 00:07:06,386
I mean, yay.
174
00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:11,391
Okay, be careful.
175
00:07:11,393 --> 00:07:13,410
Mm.
Watch your leg.
176
00:07:13,412 --> 00:07:15,662
You smell so good.
177
00:07:15,664 --> 00:07:17,497
Thank you.
178
00:07:17,499 --> 00:07:20,417
Let's see how you taste.
179
00:07:20,419 --> 00:07:23,403
Okay. All right.
180
00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:25,188
I see the painkillers
have kicked in.
181
00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:26,590
Oh, they sure did.
182
00:07:26,592 --> 00:07:29,793
Right now, you could
do anything to me
183
00:07:29,795 --> 00:07:31,911
and I wouldn't remember.
184
00:07:35,099 --> 00:07:37,717
Did I wink?
'Cause I was trying to wink.
185
00:07:37,719 --> 00:07:40,753
Okay, let's-let's get
you on the couch, huh?
186
00:07:40,755 --> 00:07:43,590
Hey, let's get you on Nadine.
Oh, okay.
187
00:07:43,592 --> 00:07:46,926
All right, fine.
Let's... just rest.
188
00:07:48,229 --> 00:07:52,065
Thank you so much
for taking care of me.
189
00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:54,201
Well, you have a broken leg.
190
00:07:54,203 --> 00:07:56,436
You don't have
any family or friends
191
00:07:56,438 --> 00:07:59,739
and you live on the fourth floor
of a building with no elevator.
192
00:07:59,741 --> 00:08:03,460
So, I couldn't just
leave you on the street.
193
00:08:04,879 --> 00:08:06,329
Could I?
194
00:08:06,331 --> 00:08:08,048
You're handsome.
195
00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:09,216
Yeah.
196
00:08:09,218 --> 00:08:11,134
You're... drooling.
197
00:08:11,136 --> 00:08:13,453
I'm gonna get
you some food.
198
00:08:13,455 --> 00:08:17,057
All right, but I have
certain dietary constrictions.
199
00:08:17,059 --> 00:08:20,560
I don't eat wheat, dairy,
or anything with a face.
200
00:08:20,562 --> 00:08:22,112
Although...
201
00:08:22,114 --> 00:08:24,981
I would make
an exception for you.
202
00:08:28,653 --> 00:08:30,103
So, you're here
with your niece?
203
00:08:30,105 --> 00:08:32,572
Uh, yeah, she just recently
came out of the closet
204
00:08:32,574 --> 00:08:35,325
and she's painfully shy.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
205
00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:41,781
Now, that's what I
call breast-feeding.
206
00:08:43,651 --> 00:08:45,702
She's, uh, still trying
to find her gay legs.
207
00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:49,539
Ah. Well, she's lucky she has
an uncle who's found his.
208
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:51,758
No, I'm straight.
209
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,760
Why does everybody
think I'm gay?
210
00:08:53,762 --> 00:08:55,828
Oh, that is way too tart.
211
00:08:55,830 --> 00:08:58,181
Um, so, Paula,
212
00:08:58,183 --> 00:08:59,883
what do you do?
213
00:08:59,885 --> 00:09:01,301
I'm an investment banker.
214
00:09:01,303 --> 00:09:03,637
Oh, wow. Oh, okay,
maybe you can answer a question
215
00:09:03,639 --> 00:09:04,888
I've always had.
Mm-hmm?
216
00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:07,057
What's the penalty
for early withdrawal?
217
00:09:07,059 --> 00:09:09,476
Well, uh, that depends.
218
00:09:09,478 --> 00:09:11,561
How big is your deposit?
219
00:09:13,147 --> 00:09:15,899
Oh, interest is rising.
220
00:09:15,901 --> 00:09:18,535
You know, the longer
you keep it in,
221
00:09:18,537 --> 00:09:20,787
the bigger your reward.
222
00:09:21,989 --> 00:09:23,523
Sometimes,
the market collapses
223
00:09:23,525 --> 00:09:26,409
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
224
00:09:26,411 --> 00:09:28,695
Uh, wait. Are-are we
doing sexual innuendo
225
00:09:28,697 --> 00:09:31,131
or are you asking for
free financial advice?
226
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:33,032
Why can't it be both?
227
00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,585
You know,
if you're interested,
228
00:09:35,587 --> 00:09:37,370
I've got a Malibu
beach house.
229
00:09:37,372 --> 00:09:40,807
Oh. Well, if you're interested,
I've got very loose morals.
230
00:09:40,809 --> 00:09:42,258
Yay.
231
00:09:43,978 --> 00:09:46,262
I mean, yay.
232
00:09:51,885 --> 00:09:54,904
Wow.
233
00:09:54,906 --> 00:09:56,906
That was amazing.
234
00:09:56,908 --> 00:09:59,109
Uh-huh.
235
00:09:59,111 --> 00:10:00,944
Wait, it wasn't?
'Cause I can do better.
236
00:10:00,946 --> 00:10:02,862
No, you were great.
237
00:10:02,864 --> 00:10:04,447
Oh, thank God,
'cause I can't do better.
238
00:10:04,449 --> 00:10:06,232
Oh.
239
00:10:06,234 --> 00:10:09,119
But there is something I
probably should've told you
240
00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:10,236
before we slept together.
241
00:10:10,238 --> 00:10:12,706
Oh, God, husband or herpes?
Uh...
242
00:10:12,708 --> 00:10:16,092
Well, there was
another guy. Paul.
243
00:10:16,094 --> 00:10:18,911
Paul. Paula.
That must have been confusing...
244
00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:21,548
Very, yeah. Um...
245
00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:24,634
You see, for the first
40 years of my life,
246
00:10:24,636 --> 00:10:28,438
I was a man named Paul.
247
00:10:33,861 --> 00:10:36,029
Wow.
248
00:10:37,598 --> 00:10:40,283
You don't look... 40.
249
00:10:40,285 --> 00:10:42,152
♪ Men. ♪
250
00:10:50,463 --> 00:10:53,332
So, so, you were a guy?
With, you know,
251
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:55,100
an Adam's apple
and facial hair,
252
00:10:55,102 --> 00:10:57,102
and the whole kit
and kaboodle?
253
00:10:58,171 --> 00:11:01,390
Yep, I had a kit
and two kaboodles.
254
00:11:01,392 --> 00:11:03,192
So, so, how did
you get that?
255
00:11:03,194 --> 00:11:05,394
I mean, did you
have to get a donor?
256
00:11:06,563 --> 00:11:07,846
'Cause I've never
seen that box
257
00:11:07,848 --> 00:11:09,398
to check on
a driver's license.
258
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:14,786
Actually, uh, I-I... I
donated my own organ.
259
00:11:14,788 --> 00:11:17,322
You see, what they do, they
take your penis, all right?
260
00:11:17,324 --> 00:11:21,743
They slice it right down the middle...
Oh! La la la la la la la la la.
261
00:11:21,745 --> 00:11:23,862
Okay, I'll-I'll
spare you the details
262
00:11:23,864 --> 00:11:25,714
on what happened
to my balls.
263
00:11:25,716 --> 00:11:29,501
Well, I know
what just happened to mine.
264
00:11:29,503 --> 00:11:31,620
Look, I-I know I should
have told you earlier.
265
00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:34,690
I just didn't want to scare
you away. I really like you.
266
00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:37,709
Oh, and I like you. I mean,
we have a lot in common.
267
00:11:37,711 --> 00:11:39,845
Clearly more than I realized.
268
00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,480
Maybe it's best if I go.
269
00:11:41,482 --> 00:11:42,648
Oh, no, no, don't do.
270
00:11:42,650 --> 00:11:43,682
You sure?
271
00:11:43,684 --> 00:11:44,983
Yeah, yeah, no, I like you.
272
00:11:44,985 --> 00:11:47,653
I'm just, I'm trying
to process this whole thing.
273
00:11:47,655 --> 00:11:49,271
I mean, for instance,
274
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:52,441
there's no chance
it'll grow back, right?
275
00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:54,159
What, like-like a
salamander's tail?
276
00:11:54,161 --> 00:11:55,560
No. Uh-uh.
277
00:11:55,562 --> 00:11:57,863
So one day you're not gonna,
you know, sneeze real hard
278
00:11:57,865 --> 00:11:59,748
and suddenly
I'm dating a dude?
279
00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:04,253
Alan, I am as much a woman
as you've ever dated.
280
00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:07,372
But if you're not okay with this, it's...
No, no, no, you know what?
281
00:12:07,374 --> 00:12:10,425
I am not going to let one
little thing come between us.
282
00:12:10,427 --> 00:12:11,960
Oh, it wasn't little.
283
00:12:13,079 --> 00:12:16,081
Okay, uh, Paula, bit of,
uh, relationship advice?
284
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,716
Uh, no guy likes to hear
285
00:12:17,718 --> 00:12:20,269
that his girlfriend
had a bigger penis than he does.
286
00:12:20,271 --> 00:12:22,187
You're right.
287
00:12:22,189 --> 00:12:23,555
I'm sorry.
288
00:12:25,359 --> 00:12:27,559
Sorry.
289
00:12:30,113 --> 00:12:32,281
Gesundheit.
290
00:12:35,451 --> 00:12:37,452
Morning.
Morning.
291
00:12:37,454 --> 00:12:40,088
Oh great, we're
out of bacon.
292
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:41,490
Whoa.
293
00:12:44,294 --> 00:12:46,778
We're out of naked
Heidi Klum.
294
00:12:48,498 --> 00:12:50,332
Damn.
295
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:53,752
That's Frank. He belongs
to my date Nadine.
296
00:12:53,754 --> 00:12:55,170
Alan told me about her.
297
00:12:55,172 --> 00:12:57,289
That's the model
you took to the emergency room.
298
00:12:57,291 --> 00:13:01,126
Twice. She calls it our
"special place."
299
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,561
It's the worst date of my life.
300
00:13:02,563 --> 00:13:04,546
Is her mouth broken?
301
00:13:04,548 --> 00:13:06,131
No.
302
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,349
So what's the problem?
303
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,134
The problem is,
we have no connection.
304
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,186
How can I be attracted
to a woman's body
305
00:13:11,188 --> 00:13:12,938
if I'm not attracted
to her mind?
306
00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:15,607
Sounds kind of gay,
but all right.
307
00:13:15,609 --> 00:13:17,743
Hey, Walden.
308
00:13:17,745 --> 00:13:19,945
Jenny.
309
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,582
Zippy.
310
00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:26,501
Just a heads-up, there's a girl
asleep on the couch.
311
00:13:26,503 --> 00:13:29,288
Don't worry,
I know the drill, boss.
312
00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:32,424
Give her 500 bucks,
pat her down for silverware
313
00:13:32,426 --> 00:13:34,492
and throw her in a taxi.
314
00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:35,744
What?
315
00:13:36,879 --> 00:13:39,264
Sorry. Charlie flashback.
316
00:13:41,551 --> 00:13:42,651
Morning.
317
00:13:42,653 --> 00:13:44,686
Whoa!
318
00:13:44,688 --> 00:13:46,271
That's a pig.
319
00:13:46,273 --> 00:13:48,506
Whoa! That's a leech.
320
00:13:50,310 --> 00:13:52,010
Long story, crazy night.
321
00:13:52,012 --> 00:13:54,563
Pig or no pig,
not as crazy as mine.
322
00:13:54,565 --> 00:13:56,848
100 bucks says mine beats yours.
323
00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:59,368
I had sex with a woman
who used to be a man.
324
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,953
And we have a winner.
325
00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:03,705
What, really?
326
00:14:03,707 --> 00:14:05,791
I can't believe
that you would...
327
00:14:05,793 --> 00:14:07,859
Well, ah, then again, it's you.
328
00:14:07,861 --> 00:14:09,745
Hey, hey, say what you want,
329
00:14:09,747 --> 00:14:11,763
but she really
knows her way around a man.
330
00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:14,499
It's like climbing Mount Everest
with a really good Sherpa.
331
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:17,002
Yeah, but you don't
shtup the Sherpa.
332
00:14:18,538 --> 00:14:21,373
How did it work?
Like, where did it... go?
333
00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:22,808
Oh, that's easy.
See, what they do is,
334
00:14:22,810 --> 00:14:24,176
they slice the penis
down the middle...
335
00:14:24,178 --> 00:14:26,762
Oh. La la la la la.
La la la la la.
336
00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:29,531
Walden?
337
00:14:29,533 --> 00:14:32,267
Is there somewhere
I can take a bath?
338
00:14:32,269 --> 00:14:34,319
Oh, yeah, upstairs.
Here, I'll help you.
339
00:14:34,321 --> 00:14:35,771
No.
340
00:14:35,773 --> 00:14:37,406
I will never get out of here
341
00:14:37,408 --> 00:14:39,825
if I don't start
to do things on my own.
342
00:14:39,827 --> 00:14:43,245
Unless you don't
want me to leave.
343
00:14:43,247 --> 00:14:45,864
Top of the stairs, on the left.
344
00:14:47,566 --> 00:14:49,167
That girl is really messed up.
345
00:14:49,169 --> 00:14:50,502
The only thing wrong with mine
346
00:14:50,504 --> 00:14:52,754
is the occasional
five o'clock shadow.
347
00:14:52,756 --> 00:14:55,257
You know, I've got to say,
Alan, you going out
348
00:14:55,259 --> 00:14:58,627
with a post-op transgendered
person without any judgment--
349
00:14:58,629 --> 00:14:59,711
very enlightened.
350
00:14:59,713 --> 00:15:00,762
Oh, thank you.
351
00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:02,464
And you should see her boobs.
352
00:15:07,221 --> 00:15:10,138
You're getting a call
from a "Hore?"
353
00:15:12,925 --> 00:15:14,543
Hi, Nadine.
354
00:15:15,478 --> 00:15:17,112
You got... you got it
stuck where?
355
00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:20,198
Don't move, I'll
be right there.
356
00:15:21,617 --> 00:15:25,387
Nadine got her boot
caught in the banister.
357
00:15:25,389 --> 00:15:27,289
Excuse me.
358
00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:30,442
Never mind, I got it.
359
00:15:30,444 --> 00:15:34,830
Oh no.
360
00:15:34,832 --> 00:15:38,200
500 bucks in cab fare,
and he'd be out of this.
361
00:15:39,535 --> 00:15:41,670
I can't believe how easily
we agreed on a movie.
362
00:15:41,672 --> 00:15:43,972
I know, men and women aren't
usually on the same page.
363
00:15:43,974 --> 00:15:45,240
Oh, oh, here it is.
364
00:15:45,242 --> 00:15:48,977
Uh, theater three, Julia Roberts
I Love You.
365
00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:51,129
Listen, I'm gonna get a soda.
Do you want something?
366
00:15:51,131 --> 00:15:53,682
Oh, sure. Uh, oh, let me see
what I'm in the mood for.
367
00:15:53,684 --> 00:15:55,851
Oh, uh, want to split a hot dog?
Mmm.
368
00:15:55,853 --> 00:15:56,902
Oh, I am so sorry.
369
00:15:56,904 --> 00:15:57,802
It's fine.
370
00:15:57,804 --> 00:15:59,804
Hi. Uh, can we have
two Diet Cokes
371
00:15:59,806 --> 00:16:01,156
and a hot dog, please?
372
00:16:01,158 --> 00:16:03,692
Oh, uh...
Don't worry, I got it.
373
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:06,328
Okay, but
I'm used to paying.
374
00:16:09,916 --> 00:16:12,117
This is...
this is so weird.
375
00:16:12,119 --> 00:16:14,652
Sorry, just, you know, old
habits from when I was Paul.
376
00:16:14,654 --> 00:16:16,755
I-I hope you're
okay with that.
377
00:16:16,757 --> 00:16:18,323
I think it's pretty clear
that I'm willing
378
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,991
to work around things
in this relationship.
379
00:16:19,993 --> 00:16:21,126
Well, I appreciate it,
380
00:16:21,128 --> 00:16:22,627
because I'm having a
great time with you.
381
00:16:22,629 --> 00:16:23,995
Oh, well, so am I.
Mm-hmm?
382
00:16:23,997 --> 00:16:25,764
Uh, but going forward,
you're gonna have to learn
383
00:16:25,766 --> 00:16:28,517
to embrace my masculinity
and, you know, accept the fact
384
00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:32,003
that I'm the-- thank you--
man in this relationship.
385
00:16:32,939 --> 00:16:34,139
Oh, it's chilly in here.
386
00:16:34,141 --> 00:16:36,775
Oh, here. Take my jacket.
387
00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:39,277
Oh. Cozy.
388
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,726
Who's there?
389
00:16:58,915 --> 00:17:01,800
It's just me, silly.
390
00:17:01,802 --> 00:17:04,035
Is everything all right?
391
00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:07,889
You've taken
such good care of me,
392
00:17:07,891 --> 00:17:11,209
I thought it was time for me
393
00:17:11,211 --> 00:17:13,512
to take good care of you.
394
00:17:13,514 --> 00:17:16,881
Oh, that's not necessary.
395
00:17:16,883 --> 00:17:18,216
Why not?
396
00:17:18,218 --> 00:17:19,734
We could play doctor.
397
00:17:19,736 --> 00:17:21,736
Haven't you
seen enough doctors?
398
00:17:21,738 --> 00:17:24,940
Okay, we could play
Pat and Vanna.
399
00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:30,328
The clue is "things
people do naked."
400
00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:32,781
Okay, Nadine, just stop.
401
00:17:32,783 --> 00:17:34,899
What's wrong?
402
00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:37,902
We're not
gonna sleep together.
403
00:17:39,288 --> 00:17:41,673
Are you saying
404
00:17:41,675 --> 00:17:45,427
that you don't
want any of this?
405
00:17:49,632 --> 00:17:53,602
"N," and I'd like
to buy five O's.
406
00:17:55,187 --> 00:17:57,188
Look, we-we just don't click.
407
00:17:57,190 --> 00:18:00,058
I can't believe
you led me on. Ooh.
408
00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:03,278
Led you on? I let you in.
I was trying to help you.
409
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,364
Do I look like I need your help?
410
00:18:10,620 --> 00:18:12,937
♪ Men. ♪
411
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:27,085
Yeah? No, I'm not
doing anything.
412
00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:28,403
Seriously?
413
00:18:28,428 --> 00:18:30,122
I know, I know.
I should say something.
414
00:18:30,123 --> 00:18:31,222
No, no, it's fine.
415
00:18:31,224 --> 00:18:33,458
I'll come over after the movie.
416
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:34,809
He should go now.
417
00:18:34,811 --> 00:18:36,511
What's that?
418
00:18:36,513 --> 00:18:37,929
Shh!
Shh!
419
00:18:37,931 --> 00:18:39,848
Just ignore him. People
can only make you angry
420
00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:41,182
with your permission.
421
00:18:41,184 --> 00:18:44,603
Right. But if he opens his mouth
again, I will get the usher.
422
00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:47,022
I got my review.
423
00:18:47,024 --> 00:18:48,857
Hashtag piece of crap.
424
00:18:48,859 --> 00:18:50,191
Shh!
Shh!
425
00:18:50,193 --> 00:18:51,409
All right, you know
what? That's it.
426
00:18:51,411 --> 00:18:53,078
Oh, wait, oh, no, no, no,
Let me do this.
427
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,413
Alan, Alan, you don't have to do this.
Yes, I do. I'm the man
428
00:18:55,415 --> 00:18:57,866
and this is what a man does.
Now, hold my Jujubes.
429
00:18:59,652 --> 00:19:01,551
Uh, excuse me, sir?
What?
430
00:19:01,552 --> 00:19:03,756
Um, uh, we're all
trying to watch the movie
431
00:19:03,757 --> 00:19:05,990
and I don't know if you
remember what the, uh,
432
00:19:05,992 --> 00:19:07,542
the little cartoon
popcorn bucket said,
433
00:19:07,544 --> 00:19:09,160
but "silence is golden."
434
00:19:09,162 --> 00:19:12,830
Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it?
435
00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:14,432
Uh, well, I
just did it
436
00:19:14,434 --> 00:19:16,384
and it didn't seem
very effective, so...
437
00:19:17,687 --> 00:19:20,188
Go sit down.
438
00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:22,057
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you sit down?
439
00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:24,309
Ow.
What the... What...
440
00:19:24,311 --> 00:19:25,527
I'm sorry.
441
00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:27,011
Don't apologize.
442
00:19:27,013 --> 00:19:30,565
Paula? Hashtag
I love you.
443
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,618
♪ Men. ♪
444
00:19:34,987 --> 00:19:37,789
I thought this relationship
was going somewhere.
445
00:19:37,791 --> 00:19:40,408
Okay, seriously? The only place
this relationship is going
446
00:19:40,410 --> 00:19:42,043
is the emergency room.
447
00:19:42,045 --> 00:19:44,028
I thought this was
something special.
448
00:19:44,030 --> 00:19:47,248
I thought I was going to be
Mrs. Nadine Hore-Schmidt.
449
00:19:48,584 --> 00:19:50,085
Okay, this is crazy.
450
00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:52,253
I mean, we wouldn't have
gotten past the first date
451
00:19:52,255 --> 00:19:55,373
if you hadn't
fallen off my deck.
452
00:19:55,375 --> 00:19:56,641
That's right.
453
00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:58,343
I did fall off your deck.
454
00:19:58,345 --> 00:20:00,979
I'll be sure to mention that
to my lawyer.
455
00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:01,980
Your lawyer?
456
00:20:01,982 --> 00:20:03,348
You heard me.
457
00:20:03,350 --> 00:20:05,650
Perhaps you've seen his picture
on the side of the bus?
458
00:20:05,652 --> 00:20:07,885
You don't get to be
the numero uno accidente lawyer
459
00:20:07,887 --> 00:20:09,521
by accident.
460
00:20:09,523 --> 00:20:11,106
Come on, Frank.
461
00:20:15,327 --> 00:20:16,911
Take care of yourself, Frank.
462
00:20:20,733 --> 00:20:22,117
What's going on?
463
00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:27,122
Oh, Nadine is going to sue me
because I won't sleep with her.
464
00:20:27,124 --> 00:20:29,040
Oh, that's a thing?
465
00:20:29,042 --> 00:20:30,542
Don't tell Alan.
466
00:20:35,097 --> 00:20:36,381
Oh, that can't be.
467
00:20:43,923 --> 00:20:45,890
Hi, Nadine.
468
00:20:45,892 --> 00:20:48,893
I'll be right there.
469
00:20:50,196 --> 00:20:53,181
Nadine got hit by a bus.
470
00:20:53,183 --> 00:20:56,201
Back to our special place.
471
00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:58,486
♪ Men. ♪
472
00:21:06,957 --> 00:21:08,775
What do you want to watch?
473
00:21:08,777 --> 00:21:11,415
I know someone
wants to watch Babe again.
474
00:21:11,711 --> 00:21:16,711
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
33594
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
