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1
00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:04,134
[static on TV]
2
00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:08,269
GREG: We interrupt this static
with breaking news.
3
00:00:08,269 --> 00:00:09,966
[all groan]
4
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:12,577
Langley's arena football team,
the Bazooka Sharks,
5
00:00:12,577 --> 00:00:14,840
have announced
they are leaving Langley Falls.
6
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,103
- [all gasp]
- KLAUS: No.
7
00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:18,757
I poured so much love
into the Sharks.
8
00:00:18,757 --> 00:00:19,845
What will I do now?
9
00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:21,978
No, no, no!
10
00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:23,675
We must do something!
11
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,416
We must write a rap!
12
00:00:25,416 --> 00:00:27,027
Outta my way, babe.
13
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,986
I gotta write a rap
to save the Bazooka Sharks!
14
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:31,422
Cool beans, babe.
15
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:33,859
I'm off to class.
See you dick-a-licks later.
16
00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:35,948
Wait a minute,
why are you so happy?
17
00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:38,255
- You hate school.
- I used to,
18
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:41,084
but I have this new
creative writing professor,
19
00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,652
and he is so inspiring.
20
00:00:43,652 --> 00:00:46,220
It's like
he lit a fire inside me.
21
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,483
- They're banging, right?
- For sure.
22
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:50,833
That, or it's Roger.
23
00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,488
[grunts]
24
00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:56,926
Well, I'm off to shape the
soft clay minds of our youth.
25
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:58,145
Told you it was Roger.
26
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,669
I'll see you in class, Hayley.
27
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:03,585
Your inspiring professor
is Roger?
28
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:04,934
Are you serious?
29
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:06,414
I was skeptical, too,
30
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,938
but there's something different
about this persona.
31
00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:11,419
He's passionate
and engaged.
32
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:12,724
You know,
it sounds crazy,
33
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,509
but I think Roger
is his best self
34
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,598
when he's
Professor Longbottom.
35
00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:18,121
Hey, is Mom okay?
36
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:22,212
She's just bugging out because
the Sharks are leaving town.
37
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:23,605
Oh, wait.
I think her twitch
38
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,781
is saying something
in Morse code.
39
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,870
Never...
40
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,741
gonna...
41
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:30,916
give you up?
42
00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,093
♪ Never gonna give you up ♪
43
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,617
-♪ Never gonna let you down ♪
- [all groan]
44
00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:38,141
[patriotic music plays]
45
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,883
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
46
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:44,713
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day♪
47
00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:47,846
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face♪
48
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:52,112
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race♪
49
00:01:54,026 --> 00:01:58,161
-♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- [bicycle bell dings]
50
00:01:58,161 --> 00:02:00,163
I can't make you crash today, Stan.
51
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:03,471
- I've got class.
- [bicycle bell dings]
52
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,125
STAN: Football, huh?
53
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,692
Well, I was only going to work
to hit the flagpole.
54
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:11,131
[tires squeal]
55
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:14,873
Does anyone know why we're
having class outside today?
56
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,875
What does every classroom
have?
57
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,181
- Desks?
- A pet hamster?
58
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:20,270
Posters of Abraham Lincoln?
59
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:23,273
Correct.
But also completely wrong.
60
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:26,363
The correct answer
I'm looking for is "walls."
61
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:28,365
TOGETHER: Ah.
62
00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:29,714
I hate walls.
63
00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,847
Walls are
the physical manifestation
64
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:34,197
of the walls we put up
inside our minds
65
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,591
that stop us
from becoming writers.
66
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,375
Me? "Writers"?
67
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,986
I'd like to talk today
about Old Faithful,
68
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:42,684
the geyser in Wyoming.
69
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,513
Old Faithful fills
with boiling water.
70
00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:49,169
The same way your mind fills
with ideas for writing.
71
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,694
Like Old Faithful,
you have to erupt onto the page.
72
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,043
Speaking of erupting,
73
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,698
Hayley Smith is getting
her short story published
74
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:58,439
in Groff's literary zine.
75
00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:00,223
I got into Soul Puddles?
76
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:03,226
Yes. Your piece,
An Alien in My Attic,
77
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,706
will be out Friday.
78
00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:06,403
An irresponsible story
to write,
79
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,623
but I am very,
very proud of you.
80
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:11,495
Damn, Professor L-B
loves you.
81
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:14,455
I can't get over
what a good teacher you are.
82
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:17,022
And I can't get over the fact
that I'm riding a bike
83
00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:18,894
this speed
and not falling over.
84
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,852
You walk slow.
85
00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:22,506
Dad?
What are you doing here?
86
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:25,205
I found something to replace
the Bazooka Sharks.
87
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,511
I'm a Groff
football booster now.
88
00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:30,035
Hey, we're all doing
Groff stuff. That's great.
89
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,386
It would be, except the team
hasn't won a game
90
00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:33,517
in three years.
91
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:35,476
We need
a new offensive line.
92
00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:38,870
Hey, isn't Steve always
hanging around with a big boy?
93
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,002
I gotta go.
94
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:42,047
Stan in a polo shirt.
95
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:45,486
His gut sticks out,
but his arms look like pythons.
96
00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:48,402
Break some off for me.
97
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,360
Not that I would.
He's family.
98
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,014
[groans]
99
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:57,193
Roger,
I want to say thank you.
100
00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:59,369
Your inspiration
gave me the courage
101
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:00,675
to write that story.
102
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,938
I just did what
any great professor does--
103
00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:05,506
nurse a red-wine hangover
while pretending to care
104
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:08,073
about whatever my hottest
student was talking about.
105
00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:09,161
Not you, obviously.
106
00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:11,120
You're family.
107
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,515
"Old Faithful: a novel
by Dickens Longbottom."
108
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:15,907
You're writing a novel?
109
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,345
It's nothing,
just your basic sci-fi noir
110
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:21,043
with elements of dark fantasy
and staged realism,
111
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,392
centered around
Old Faithful.
112
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:24,438
- Can I read it?
- Not till it's finished.
113
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,440
I'm having trouble
with the ending.
114
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,658
And middle.
115
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,312
The beginning has been
pretty elusive.
116
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:30,618
Writing is hard.
117
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:33,055
Well, maybe I can be
your writing buddy,
118
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,448
help keep you on task.
119
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:37,320
Support your writing
the way you supported mine.
120
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,801
I was incredibly helpful
to you.
121
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:41,933
Okay, let's meet tomorrow
at the coffee shop.
122
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,370
I like to write in public
123
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,589
so other people can see
that I'm writing.
124
00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:48,331
It's a very important part
of my process.
125
00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:51,465
[doorbell rings]
126
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,814
Hey, Mr. Smith.
127
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:54,598
Are you here to have sex
with my parents?
128
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,078
If that's what you want, Barry.
129
00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:58,733
Because from now on,
you get everything you want.
130
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:01,083
Because I'm recruiting you
to play football
131
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,737
at Groff Community College.
132
00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,391
I'm in ninth grade.
133
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,088
And that's why
community college
134
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:07,655
is the perfect place
for you.
135
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:08,743
Let's go for a drive.
136
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:09,831
We'll take your car.
137
00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:11,354
I don't have a car.
138
00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:14,226
Then whose keys
to a seven-year-old SUV
139
00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:18,056
with 120,000 miles on it
are these?
140
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,276
You like prostitutes,
Barry?
141
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:25,542
Okay, Roger.
Let's write that book.
142
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,807
- What is it?
- I-It's just
143
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,070
that table seems
a lot better for writing.
144
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:34,508
But that's the only other table
with people at it.
145
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:35,857
Must be writers, too.
146
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:37,119
Show-offs.
147
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,599
Wait,
I think they're leaving.
148
00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:41,428
They're not leaving,
but maybe soon.
149
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,517
No rush.
I'm a writer, too.
150
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:48,435
They sure didn't like me
flicking their ears like that.
151
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,828
Okay, time to write.
152
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:53,527
This computer feels
a little small.
153
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,790
Look at this behemoth.
154
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,487
This is a computer.
155
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,446
I'm ready.
156
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:00,708
My chair is too low.
157
00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:01,970
Ugh.
158
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:05,190
You got a really nice lap.
159
00:06:07,758 --> 00:06:10,979
I'm starting to think
this computer might be too big.
160
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,894
Roger, what's going on?
161
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,765
Do you even want
to finish this novel?
162
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:15,810
Of course.
163
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,072
But I'm afraid.
164
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:19,291
What if it's not
universally beloved?
165
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:21,250
What if it's merely
a cult classic?
166
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,731
You have to power
through that fear, dive in...
167
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,994
- Dive on in.
- ...and just write.
168
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:27,082
You're right.
169
00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:28,953
Let's do this.
170
00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,521
[breathes deeply]
171
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:39,442
Listen to me clacking away, Hayley.
172
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,575
- I'm writing.
- [marching band playing]
173
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:44,273
I can't focus with this noise.
What's happening?
174
00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:46,318
If anyone is wondering
what's happening,
175
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:47,755
the Dean is having
a pep rally
176
00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:49,800
to announce
a new football coach.
177
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,280
Whoo!
178
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,238
I mean,
we gotta check that out.
179
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:54,326
Do we?
180
00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:57,417
DEAN BARKOV:
Welcome. I'm Dean Barkov.
181
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,635
[cheers and applause]
182
00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,594
Oh, yeah.
183
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,031
That's a sick reaction.
184
00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:06,643
I'd like to introduce
our new football coach.
185
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:10,734
Please welcome Burton Grundy.
186
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:13,128
Whoa.
Burton Grundy?
187
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:14,869
The god-fearing
family man
188
00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:16,610
who treats his players
with respect
189
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,350
and wins
wherever he goes.
190
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:19,787
How do you know
so much about...
191
00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:22,224
[sighs]
This better not be you.
192
00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:24,226
Plus, check out
this unique specific--
193
00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:25,488
he never curses.
194
00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:26,620
Just go.
195
00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,186
[cheers and applause]
196
00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:31,494
I'd like to thank you
for welcoming me to Groff.
197
00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:34,279
Me and my Christian wife
have prayed for this day.
198
00:07:34,279 --> 00:07:37,587
And I promise you I will stop
at Jiminy Glicking nothing
199
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,241
to win a championship.
200
00:07:39,241 --> 00:07:42,113
[cheers and applause]
201
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:44,507
I avoided COVID
for three years.
202
00:07:44,507 --> 00:07:46,248
And now I've caught
writer's block
203
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:49,033
and football fever
on the same day.
204
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,513
[cellphone vibrates]
205
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,167
Uhp, never mind.
I have COVID.
206
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,477
Hey,
can I talk to you?
207
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,782
Sure,
I can take a break
208
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,697
from turning losers
into champions.
209
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,743
Roger, I'm worried
that Coach Grundy
210
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:05,615
is just a distraction to keep
you from writing your book.
211
00:08:05,615 --> 00:08:08,531
Coach Grundy is not
a distraction, Hayley.
212
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:11,708
Listen, inside everyone
there are two sides--
213
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,449
a coach and a professor.
214
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:17,409
Like an offense and a defense,
they share the field, and...
215
00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:19,499
Honestly, I'm not sure
where this analogy goes.
216
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,719
I'm too distracted by
these super squeaky markers.
217
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,287
So Professor Longbottom
is still gonna buckle down
218
00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:26,723
- and write this thing?
- [marker squeaking]
219
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:29,770
He needs to share his
unique voice with the world.
220
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:32,599
Ye-e-e-e-s.
221
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:33,991
Now,
if you'll excuse me,
222
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:36,907
I've got some young boys
to turn into men.
223
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:38,822
That sounds sexual,
but in this case, this--
224
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:41,477
this one particular case,
it's not.
225
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,087
This field,
226
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:46,047
this field is where you'll bleed
with your brothers.
227
00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:49,224
- Did you say "bleed"?
- I did.
228
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:52,488
Barry, you may have also heard
me say the word "brothers."
229
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:54,272
That's because
football is a family.
230
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:56,274
I already have a family.
231
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:58,146
Parents aren't a family, Barry.
232
00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,495
They're a distraction.
233
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,062
Close your eyes.
234
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:06,067
Imagine thousands, nay hundreds,
of fans chanting your name.
235
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:11,376
Bar-ry! Bar-ry!
Bar-ry! Bar-ry!
236
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:13,161
You in, or what?
237
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,380
Check it out, wheelie.
238
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:19,080
Hey, it's been two weeks
since your last writing session.
239
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,385
Yeah, football season
has been
240
00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:22,170
making it tough
to find time.
241
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:23,345
Mainly because
I'm going to
242
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:24,868
a ton of the practices
and games.
243
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,478
Are you sure about this
244
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,872
"professor and a coach
inside all of us" theory?
245
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:30,178
Never heard that one.
246
00:09:30,178 --> 00:09:31,919
But we're right by
the coffee shop,
247
00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:34,617
the one place in the world
where I'm able to write.
248
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,445
Wanna stop in,
bang out some pages?
249
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:40,057
Sounds grrrrr--undy's
Chophouse?
250
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:42,407
What happened to
the coffee shop?
251
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,496
[bicycle bell dings]
252
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:47,848
Any time I take a job in
a new city, I open a Grundy's.
253
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:49,371
It's a place for me
to get plastered
254
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:51,939
away from the prying eyes
of my Christian wife.
255
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,201
Plus, it's a great way
to bilk
256
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,464
a little extra money
off any local rubes.
257
00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:57,422
KLAUS: Hayley!
258
00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,947
I didn't know you grubbed
at Grundy's.
259
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,079
I came here to help
Professor Longbottom
260
00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:03,428
do some writing,
but--
261
00:10:03,428 --> 00:10:06,388
I told you not to take
Roger seriously.
262
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:09,086
Professor Longbottom
is Roger's sensitive side,
263
00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:10,610
and it's real.
264
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,394
He's just manifesting
Coach Grundy
265
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:14,439
to protect himself
from failing.
266
00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:15,789
I need to get rid
of him.
267
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:18,966
Listen, I've followed
Grundy's entire career.
268
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,924
If Longbottom is
the best of Roger,
269
00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:24,058
Grundy is
the absolute worst.
270
00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:27,801
Ooh, baby, I love how much
you're not my wife.
271
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,672
[laughs]
272
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,587
He goes through a cycle.
273
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,937
He comes to town,
gets into some scandal,
274
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:38,202
then steps away from football
to "focus on family."
275
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:40,030
It usually takes
a couple seasons.
276
00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:42,685
Hmm, maybe I could
speed up the process.
277
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:47,037
My actions have
no consequences!
278
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,561
[cheers and applause]
279
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:51,868
[football players grunting]
280
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,653
- [bone snaps]
- [Barry screams]
281
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,306
Barry.
282
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:57,308
[crying]
283
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,701
You.
284
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,790
How would you like to play
Groff football
285
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,270
and have a family for life?
286
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,750
Please.
287
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:06,143
Help Barry.
288
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:08,668
What's your take
on prostitutes?
289
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,148
One week following
Coach Grundy around,
290
00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:14,108
and I've got enough dirt
to take him down for good.
291
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:17,720
Here, play this
on the Jumbotron.
292
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,679
Hey.
I'm talkin' to you.
293
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,723
[gasps]
294
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,726
[gasps]
He was a balloon.
295
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,427
Groff Fans, you probably
know me as Hayley Smith,
296
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,516
recently published
in Soul Puddles.
297
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,432
- [crowd booing]
- Thank you.
298
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:36,826
But I'm not here to talk
about my accomplishments.
299
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:40,003
I'm here to show you
the real Coach Grundy.
300
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,223
This'll teach you
to stop fumbling.
301
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:43,790
- [hammer clangs, man screams]
- [crowd gasps]
302
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:45,487
Oh, shit, shit.
303
00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:47,576
That douchebag Dean Barkov
is eating at table four.
304
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:50,666
I'm gonna slap my schlong on
his New York strip real quick.
305
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:51,928
[pants unzip]
306
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:53,408
- [thud]
- [crowd gasps]
307
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:54,757
Ecstasy for you.
308
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:55,976
Ecstasy for you.
309
00:11:55,976 --> 00:11:57,455
Ecstasy for you.
310
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,153
Lithium for you, Teri,
you have problems.
311
00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:02,504
An-n-n-n-d... ecstasy
and lithium for me.
312
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:05,159
Now, who wants sex
from a football coach?
313
00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,813
[crowd gasps]
314
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,771
[sighs]
315
00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:13,080
Groff fans,
since this video came out,
316
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,952
my family and I
have been in constant prayer.
317
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,868
And we've decided that I am
going to step away from football
318
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:21,653
to focus on
what's important-- family.
319
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:23,960
But don't worry.
320
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,788
I will be back...
321
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:27,137
for the third quarter.
322
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:28,660
Y'all have
the Gatorade ready
323
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,751
'cause I'm winning
this Jiminy Glickin' game.
324
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,318
[cheers and applause]
325
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,369
Hayley,
there you are.
326
00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:43,850
I want you to know
I'm leaving the university.
327
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:46,809
It's like the whole school
is obsessed with football.
328
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:48,071
Including me.
329
00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,725
I'll never finish
my book.
330
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,683
But the only thing
stopping you is you.
331
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:54,164
Like...
like, literally, you.
332
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:56,166
Roger, don't you see
333
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,342
that Grundy is just a wall
you're putting up
334
00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,823
between you
and your fear of rejection?
335
00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:02,390
[as Ronald Reagan]
Mr. Longbottom,
336
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,522
tear down this wall.
337
00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:07,047
Terrible Reagan, Hayley.
Absolutely brutal.
338
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,005
But how am I supposed
to finish my book?
339
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,833
[normal voice]
You're a writer.
340
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,357
All you need
is pen and paper.
341
00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:15,359
- And Adderall?
- Of course, Adderall.
342
00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:17,361
[chuckles]
You're not a magician.
343
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:19,842
[Lemaitre's "Closer" plays]
344
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:26,544
♪
345
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:31,723
♪ I feel the shadows
hanging over♪
346
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:34,291
♪ They're waiting
to come closer♪
347
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:37,555
♪ To come and take me away ♪
348
00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:42,212
♪ And I can feel
my heart skip♪
349
00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:44,736
♪ Every time that I slip ♪
350
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:47,130
♪ I wanna run away ♪
351
00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:52,657
I'd like to thank you all
for joining me
352
00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:54,703
to celebrate
the release of my book.
353
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,748
After spending years
writing it,
354
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:58,533
I feel fortunate
to have gotten it
355
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:00,883
published immediately
upon completion.
356
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:03,146
Luckily, I'm acquainted
with famed publisher,
357
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:05,366
Roger T. Publishing Persona.
358
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:06,715
[cellphone chimes]
359
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,674
First reviews are in.
360
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:13,461
Is there a good way to interpret
the phrase "literary abortion?"
361
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:16,159
- It's just one review.
- This is your fault.
362
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:18,945
You made me expose myself
to the whole world.
363
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:21,295
Which is something
I ordinarily enjoy doing.
364
00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:22,687
But not in this case.
365
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,646
Not in
this one particular case.
366
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,214
[crying]
367
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,175
Roger,
it's been weeks.
368
00:14:32,175 --> 00:14:34,003
- Can I talk to Longbottom?
- You can't.
369
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,526
He's gone for good.
370
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:36,832
You think
he'd show his face
371
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,660
after that embarrassment
of a book?
372
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,401
It wasn't even
that many pages.
373
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,664
Not like my book.
It's half memoir,
374
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:45,667
half chophouse recipe book,
and half football playbook.
375
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:46,973
This thing's heavy
as [bleep]
376
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,018
Just try and catch it.
377
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,411
Hmm, nice hands.
378
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:51,716
But could you do it
over the middle
379
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,414
with a linebacker
bearing down on you,
380
00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:55,416
ready to take
your head off?
381
00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:57,200
I bet you could.
382
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,074
I'm worried about Roger.
383
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,379
He hasn't been anybody
384
00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,816
but that stupid
football coach for weeks.
385
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,906
He said
he was going full Grundy.
386
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,037
No other personas.
387
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:09,647
Well, that's bad news.
388
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:10,910
He came into my room
this morning
389
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,173
and said I had to wake up
for two-a-days
390
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,305
and the only thing
I wanna do twice a day
391
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:16,785
is whack it, knahwadimeen?
392
00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:18,787
- Noice.
- Ew.
393
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:21,529
I mean, ewwww.
394
00:15:21,529 --> 00:15:23,096
This is my fault.
395
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:25,359
I convinced Roger
to take a risk.
396
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:26,969
He got hurt,
and now he'll never
397
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,797
let the good part
of himself out again.
398
00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,364
You're crazy.
399
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,757
He let the good part of himself
out all over this book.
400
00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:34,150
Ooh.
Old Faithful.
401
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:36,022
This is my all-time
favorite play.
402
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,980
He has a play called
Old Faithful?
403
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,982
Klaus, look at this.
404
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,463
The receiver runs out of bounds
and onto the next page.
405
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:46,206
A recipe for Wyoming-style
potato skins.
406
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:49,905
Do you think Longbottom's
somewhere inside Roger,
407
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:52,038
leaving clues,
wanting us to find him?
408
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,865
That's crazy, Hayley.
409
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,084
But, devil's advocate,
410
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:58,653
do you think
this could be anything?
411
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:01,786
Professor Longbottom is
at Old Faithful.
412
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:03,266
I'm not saying
you're right,
413
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:05,355
but if you are,
I better come with you.
414
00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:07,879
ROGER: Chapter Six.
415
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:11,840
We were down 21-7 to Lanceton,
and we were cooked.
416
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,016
Just like my famous
Grundy's Chophouse Wings,
417
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:18,368
available in piles
of 25, 75, or 175.
418
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,631
Return the bones
for discounted drinks.
419
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,546
Please stop taking
the bones home.
420
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,026
HAYLEY: Roger, why is so much
of Grundy's book
421
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,375
about chicken bones?
422
00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:26,898
ROGER: They're buying the meat,
not the bones.
423
00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:28,857
[brakes squeak]
424
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:31,903
I, uh, need to run ahead because...
425
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,296
I-I have to pee?
426
00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:34,645
Yes. Yes.
Good enough.
427
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:40,564
Hayley,
my prized pupil.
428
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:45,265
Roger, I came to bring
the professor home.
429
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:46,831
Why would you
want to do that?
430
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:50,313
Professor Longbottom is
a passionate, inspiring soul.
431
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,620
Grundy is just trying
to hold you inside,
432
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,535
but you need to
burst out, like--
433
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:56,537
Old Faithful.
434
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:59,192
[slow clap]
435
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,411
You led me right to him.
436
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,804
Wait, what's happening?
437
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:04,588
I led you to... you?
438
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:07,983
And now it's time
for the ol' ether-cut-to-black.
439
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,769
♪
440
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:13,554
[screams]
441
00:17:13,554 --> 00:17:14,772
Oh, good,
you're awake.
442
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,252
Roger,
what's going on?
443
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,820
We're both gonna die
when this geyser erupts.
444
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,909
What? Why are you doing this?
445
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,563
It's not me, it's Grundy.
446
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,565
I'm Roger's vulnerable side.
447
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:27,263
As long as I exist,
being all weak and shit,
448
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,917
his feelings can get hurt.
449
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,397
This is stupid.
Klaus was right.
450
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:32,094
You're a maniac.
Untie me.
451
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,575
I can't.
I'm just as tied up as you.
452
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,099
Grundy is at the cabin now.
He's gonna burn it down
453
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:40,842
along with all the many,
many unsold copies of my book.
454
00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:42,104
I'll be erased forever.
455
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:44,150
You're at the cabin
right now?
456
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,586
Hayley,
you know what I mean.
457
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,674
It's over.
458
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:49,329
There's nothing we can do
to stop him.
459
00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,766
Okay,
I should get going.
460
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,463
Don't leave me here alone.
461
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:56,553
You're not alone.
You're with the professor.
462
00:17:57,815 --> 00:18:00,035
'Sup, dude?
463
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:07,956
"They called her Old Faithful.
464
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:10,263
But me? I was young
465
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:13,048
and couldn't be faithful
for a second."
466
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,094
Yikes.
467
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:20,011
As soon as I sign
this contract,
468
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,666
the Bazooka Sharks will
officially be moving to Ottawa.
469
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,320
- [door slams open]
- JEFF: Don't sign that paper.
470
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,976
Maybe you forgot,
but I've been writing a rap.
471
00:18:27,976 --> 00:18:29,804
[cellphone beeps]
472
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:34,809
♪
473
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:37,159
♪ Before you move
the 'Zooka Sharks♪
474
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:40,075
♪ Jeff Fischer's got
a few remarks♪
475
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,730
♪ The Sharks belong
in Langley♪
476
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:45,602
♪ Where they got
mad history♪
477
00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:48,170
♪ Like the time we lost
by 63♪
478
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,998
♪ An all-time
Sharks memory♪
479
00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:51,304
♪ 'Zooka, 'Zooka Sharks ♪
480
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,567
PARKER DEAY: ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
481
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,614
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
482
00:18:57,614 --> 00:19:04,708
♪
483
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,277
♪ There's just
one more reason♪
484
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:10,627
♪ To keep the Sharks
in Langley land♪
485
00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:13,195
♪ The memory of that little girl
who died in the stands♪
486
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,762
♪ R.I.P. ♪
487
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:18,026
♪ Always and forever
our youngest fan♪
488
00:19:18,026 --> 00:19:19,593
PARKER DEAY:
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
489
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:26,687
♪
490
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,691
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
491
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:36,958
♪
492
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,655
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
493
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:40,701
♪ Don't tarnish the legacy
of Johnny Concussion♪
494
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:42,790
♪ Shark's all-time
leader in rushin'♪
495
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,400
♪ Thirty yards ♪
496
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,228
♪ So move the Sharks
at your discretion♪
497
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,404
♪ But if you do,
I'mma send you to heaven♪
498
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,406
♪ Introduce your ass
to God♪
499
00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:53,061
♪ Rest in peace,
Lisa Jenkis♪
500
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:58,240
Who cares about money?
501
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,852
The Sharks belong
in Langley Falls.
502
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,942
You did it, Jeff.
503
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,249
You saved the Sharks.
504
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:11,558
By the way, whoever put me
in an adult diaper, thank you.
505
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,259
[both screaming]
506
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:18,956
Don't worry,
I'm gonna get you out of there.
507
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:22,221
- Great.
- Starting with the professor.
508
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,787
What?
509
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,963
Aah! Aah!
510
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,226
Roger.
511
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,228
Ugh, fine.
You're such a baby.
512
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,664
Aah!
513
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:36,104
What the hell
changed your mind?
514
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:37,236
This book.
515
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,846
I read it and loved it.
516
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:42,719
And I realized, if a piece
of art touches even one person,
517
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,112
it's worthwhile.
518
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:46,419
And it did touch
one person.
519
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:47,550
Me.
520
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:50,292
I touched myself, Hayley.
521
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:51,424
Jiminy [bleep] Glick.
522
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,295
Hayley, wait.
Just so you know,
523
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:56,429
I was the professor
and the coach the whole time.
524
00:20:56,429 --> 00:20:58,126
Have a great night.
525
00:20:58,176 --> 00:21:02,726
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