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1
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:07,071
We interrupt this static
with breaking news.
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00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,676
Langley's arena football team,
the Bazooka Sharks,
3
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,078
have announced they are
leaving Langley Falls.
4
00:00:15,137 --> 00:00:17,950
I poured so much love into the Sharks.
5
00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:19,083
What will I do now?
6
00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:21,086
No, no, no!
7
00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:22,887
We must do something!
8
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,423
We must write a rap!
9
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:25,958
Outta my way, babe.
10
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,094
I gotta write a rap to
save the Bazooka Sharks!
11
00:00:29,096 --> 00:00:30,429
Cool beans, babe.
12
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,765
I'm off to class.
See you dick-a-licks later.
13
00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,833
Wait a minute, why are you so happy?
14
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,169
- You hate school.
- I used to,
15
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:40,172
but I have this new
creative writing professor,
16
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,707
and he is so inspiring.
17
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,377
It's like he lit a fire inside me.
18
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,579
- They're banging, right?
- For sure.
19
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,338
That, or it's Roger.
20
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:56,054
Well, I'm off to shape the
soft clay minds of our youth.
21
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,322
Told you it was Roger.
22
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,724
I'll see you in class, Hayley.
23
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,861
Your inspiring professor is Roger?
24
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:03,996
Are you serious?
25
00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:05,664
I was skeptical, too,
26
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,800
but there's something
different about this persona.
27
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:10,402
He's passionate and engaged.
28
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,670
You know, it sounds crazy,
29
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,472
but I think Roger is his best self
30
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,674
when he's professor Longbottom.
31
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,342
Hey, is Mom okay?
32
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:21,079
She's just bugging out because
the Sharks are leaving town.
33
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,949
Oh, wait. I think her twitch is
saying something in morse code.
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00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:27,085
Never...
35
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,887
gonna...
36
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:29,954
give you up?
37
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:32,024
♪ Never gonna give you up ♪
38
00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,693
♪ Never gonna let you down ♪
39
00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:40,364
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
40
00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:43,909
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
41
00:01:43,944 --> 00:01:46,705
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
42
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:51,343
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
43
00:01:53,393 --> 00:01:57,049
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
44
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:59,184
I can't make you crash today, Stan.
45
00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:02,587
I've got class.
46
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:03,988
- _
- Football, huh?
47
00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,759
Well, I was only going to
work to hit the flagpole.
48
00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:13,798
Does anyone know why we're
having class outside today?
49
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,800
What does every classroom have?
50
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,335
- Desks?
- A pet hamster?
51
00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:19,071
Posters of Abraham Lincoln?
52
00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:22,074
Correct. But also completely wrong.
53
00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:25,410
The correct answer
I'm looking for is "walls."
54
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,412
Ah.
55
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,747
I hate walls.
56
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,749
Walls are the physical manifestation
57
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,085
of the walls we put up inside our minds
58
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:35,554
that stop us from becoming writers.
59
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:37,222
Me? "Writers"?
60
00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:40,158
I'd like to talk today
about Old Faithful,
61
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,693
the geyser in Wyoming.
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00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:44,429
Old Faithful fills with boiling water.
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00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:48,032
The same way your mind fills
with ideas for writing.
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00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:51,941
Like Old Faithful,
you have to erupt onto the page.
65
00:02:51,976 --> 00:02:53,005
Speaking of erupting,
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00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,707
Hayley Smith is getting
her short story published
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00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,509
in Groff's literary zine.
68
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,111
I got into Soul Puddles?
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00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:02,180
Yes. Your piece, "An alien in my attic,"
70
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,582
will be out Friday.
71
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,384
An irresponsible story to write,
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00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,519
but I am very, very proud of you.
73
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,589
Damn, professor L-B loves you.
74
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:13,258
I can't get over what
a good teacher you are.
75
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:15,928
And I can't get over the
fact that I'm riding a bike
76
00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:17,996
this speed and not falling over.
77
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,864
You walk slow.
78
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,399
Dad? What are you doing here?
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00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:24,069
I found something to
replace the Bazooka Sharks.
80
00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:26,338
I'm a Groff football booster now.
81
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:29,007
Hey, we're all doing Groff stuff.
That's great.
82
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,410
It would be,
except the team hasn't won a game
83
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:32,611
in three years.
84
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,279
We need a new offensive line.
85
00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:38,082
Hey, isn't Steve always
hanging around with a big boy?
86
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,084
I gotta go.
87
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,019
Stan in a Polo shirt.
88
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:44,489
His gut sticks out,
but his arms look like pythons.
89
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:47,426
Break some off for me.
90
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,361
Not that I would. He's family.
91
00:03:55,397 --> 00:03:56,935
Roger, I want to say thank you.
92
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,404
Your inspiration gave me the courage
93
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,806
to write that story.
94
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,874
I just did what any
great professor does...
95
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,210
nurse a red-wine hangover
while pretending to care
96
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:08,079
about whatever my hottest
student was talking about.
97
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,214
Not you, obviously.
98
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:10,949
You're family.
99
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:14,419
"'Old Faithful:'
A novel by Dickens Longbottom."
100
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,821
You're writing a novel?
101
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,157
It's nothing,
just your basic sci-fi noir
102
00:04:18,159 --> 00:04:20,892
with elements of dark
fantasy and staged realism,
103
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,293
centered around Old Faithful.
104
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,163
- Can I read it?
- Not till it's finished.
105
00:04:24,165 --> 00:04:26,365
I'm having trouble with the ending.
106
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,766
And middle.
107
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,300
The beginning has been pretty elusive.
108
00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:30,635
Writing is hard.
109
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:33,104
Well, maybe I can be your writing buddy,
110
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,173
help keep you on task.
111
00:04:34,175 --> 00:04:37,176
Support your writing the
way you supported mine.
112
00:04:37,178 --> 00:04:39,711
I was incredibly helpful to you.
113
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,913
Okay, let's meet tomorrow
at the coffee shop.
114
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,248
I like to write in public
115
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,384
so other people can
see that I'm writing.
116
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:48,387
It's a very important
part of my process.
117
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:52,724
Hey, Mr. Smith.
118
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,593
Are you here to have
sex with my parents?
119
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,127
If that's what you want, Barry.
120
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,597
Because from now on,
you get everything you want.
121
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,866
Because I'm recruiting
you to play football
122
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,734
at Groff community college.
123
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,135
I'm in ninth grade.
124
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,804
And that's why community college
125
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,539
is the perfect place for you.
126
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:08,673
Let's go for a drive.
127
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:11,010
- We'll take your car.
- I don't have a car.
128
00:05:11,012 --> 00:05:14,012
Then whose keys to a seven-year-old SUV
129
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:17,816
with 120,000 miles on it are these?
130
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,152
You like prostitutes, Barry?
131
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,591
Okay, Roger. Let's write that book.
132
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,628
- What is it?
- I-It's just
133
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,830
that table seems a lot
better for writing.
134
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,499
But that's the only other
table with people at it.
135
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,767
Must be writers, too.
136
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:36,968
Show-offs.
137
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,570
Wait, I think they're leaving.
138
00:05:39,145 --> 00:05:41,506
They're not leaving, but maybe soon.
139
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,609
No rush. I'm a writer, too.
140
00:05:45,733 --> 00:05:48,513
They sure didn't like me
flicking their ears like that.
141
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,716
Okay, time to write.
142
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,518
This computer feels a little small.
143
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,654
Look at this behemoth.
144
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,589
This is a computer.
145
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,458
I'm ready.
146
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,592
My chair is too low.
147
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:01,927
Ugh.
148
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,097
You got a really nice lap.
149
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,869
I'm starting to think this
computer might be too big.
150
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,738
Roger, what's going on?
151
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,739
Do you even want to finish this novel?
152
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:15,807
Of course.
153
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,008
But I'm afraid.
154
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,144
What if it's not universally beloved?
155
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,012
What if it's merely a cult classic?
156
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,615
You have to power
through that fear, dive in...
157
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:26,084
- Dive on in.
- ...and just write.
158
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,820
You're right. Let's do this.
159
00:06:37,098 --> 00:06:39,098
Listen to me clacking away, Hayley.
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00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,366
I'm writing.
161
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:44,035
I can't focus with this noise.
What's happening?
162
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,237
If anyone is wondering what's happening,
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00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,706
the Dean is having a pep rally
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00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,041
to announce a new football coach.
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00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,176
Whoo!
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00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,312
I mean, we gotta check that out.
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00:06:53,314 --> 00:06:54,379
Do we?
168
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,316
Welcome. I'm Dean Barkov.
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00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,585
Oh, yeah.
170
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,854
That's a sick reaction.
171
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,658
I'd like to introduce
our new football coach.
172
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:10,595
Please welcome Burton Grundy.
173
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,998
Whoa. Burton Grundy?
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00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,800
The God-fearing family man
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00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,601
who treats his players with respect
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00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,137
and wins wherever he goes.
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00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:19,671
How do you know so much about...
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00:07:20,467 --> 00:07:21,940
This better not be you.
179
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,143
Plus, check out this unique specific...
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00:07:24,145 --> 00:07:25,344
He never curses.
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00:07:25,346 --> 00:07:26,611
Just go.
182
00:07:28,787 --> 00:07:31,150
I'd like to thank you for
welcoming me to Groff.
183
00:07:31,152 --> 00:07:34,019
Me and my Christian wife
have prayed for this day.
184
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,556
And I promise you I will stop
at jiminy glicking nothing
185
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:38,957
to win a championship.
186
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,229
I avoided Covid for three years.
187
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,964
And now I've caught writer's block
188
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,834
and football fever on the same day.
189
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,204
Uhp, never mind. I have Covid.
190
00:07:57,111 --> 00:07:58,176
Hey, can I talk to you?
191
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,311
Sure, I can take a break
192
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,446
from turning losers into champions.
193
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,515
Roger, I'm worried that coach Grundy
194
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:06,384
is just a distraction to keep
you from writing your book.
195
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,187
Coach Grundy is not a distraction,
Hayley.
196
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,657
Listen, inside everyone
there are two sides...
197
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,259
a coach and a professor.
198
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:18,130
Like an offense and a defense,
they share the field, and...
199
00:08:18,132 --> 00:08:20,132
Honestly, I'm not sure
where this analogy goes.
200
00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:23,468
I'm too distracted by these
super squeaky markers.
201
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,004
So professor Longbottom
is still gonna buckle down
202
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,606
and write this thing?
203
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,609
He needs to share his
unique voice with the world.
204
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,545
Ye-e-e-e-s.
205
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,747
Now, if you'll excuse me,
206
00:08:34,749 --> 00:08:37,549
I've got some young
boys to turn into men.
207
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,684
That sounds sexual,
but in this case, this...
208
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,420
this one particular case, it's not.
209
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,688
This field,
210
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,825
this field is where you'll
bleed with your brothers.
211
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:49,894
- Did you say "bleed"?
- I did.
212
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:53,165
Barry, you may have also heard
me say the word "brothers."
213
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:55,033
That's because football is a family.
214
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,969
I already have a family.
215
00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,903
Parents aren't a family, Barry.
216
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:00,438
They're a distraction.
217
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,840
Close your eyes.
218
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:06,779
Imagine thousands, nay hundreds,
of fans chanting your name.
219
00:09:06,781 --> 00:09:12,250
Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry!
220
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,918
You in, or what?
221
00:09:14,603 --> 00:09:16,121
Check it out, wheelie.
222
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,858
Hey, it's been two weeks since
your last writing session.
223
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,126
Yeah, football season has been
224
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,995
making it tough to find time.
225
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,062
Mainly because I'm going to
226
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,730
a ton of the practices and games.
227
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,265
Are you sure about this
228
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,734
"professor and a coach
inside all of us" theory?
229
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,003
Never heard that one.
230
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,604
But we're right by the coffee shop,
231
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:35,273
the one place in the world
where I'm able to write.
232
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,209
Wanna stop in, bang out some pages?
233
00:09:37,211 --> 00:09:40,813
Sounds grrrrr... undy's Chophouse?
234
00:09:40,815 --> 00:09:43,148
What happened to the coffee shop?
235
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,487
Any time I take a job in a new city,
I open a Grundy's.
236
00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:50,222
It's a place for me to get plastered
237
00:09:50,224 --> 00:09:52,825
away from the prying eyes
of my Christian wife.
238
00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:54,026
Plus, it's a great way to bilk
239
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:56,428
a little extra money
off any local rubes.
240
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,163
Hayley!
241
00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,833
I didn't know you grubbed at Grundy's.
242
00:10:00,835 --> 00:10:02,835
I came here to help professor Longbottom
243
00:10:02,837 --> 00:10:04,169
do some writing, but...
244
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,105
I told you not to take Roger seriously.
245
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,842
Professor Longbottom is
Roger's sensitive side,
246
00:10:09,844 --> 00:10:11,243
and it's real.
247
00:10:11,245 --> 00:10:13,111
He's just manifesting coach Grundy
248
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,180
to protect himself from failing.
249
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,581
I need to get rid of him.
250
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,852
Listen, I've followed
Grundy's entire career.
251
00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:21,786
If Longbottom is the best of Roger,
252
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,789
Grundy is the absolute worst.
253
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:28,793
Ooh, baby,
I love how much you're not my wife.
254
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,264
He goes through a cycle.
255
00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:34,666
He comes to town,
gets into some scandal,
256
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:39,071
then he steps away from football
to "focus on family."
257
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,005
It usually takes a couple seasons.
258
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:43,475
Hmm, maybe I could speed up the process.
259
00:10:44,236 --> 00:10:48,012
My actions have no consequences!
260
00:10:54,555 --> 00:10:56,421
Barry.
261
00:10:58,292 --> 00:10:59,358
You.
262
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,760
How would you like
to play Groff football
263
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,027
and have a family for life?
264
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,629
Please.
265
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,031
Help Barry.
266
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,301
What's your take on prostitutes?
267
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,904
One week following coach Grundy around,
268
00:11:11,906 --> 00:11:14,973
and I've got enough dirt
to take him down for good.
269
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:18,577
Here, play this on the jumbotron.
270
00:11:18,579 --> 00:11:20,579
Hey. I'm talkin' to you.
271
00:11:22,063 --> 00:11:24,550
He was a balloon.
272
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,255
Groff fans,
you probably know me as Hayley Smith,
273
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,190
recently published in Soul Puddles.
274
00:11:34,373 --> 00:11:35,059
Thank you.
275
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,662
But I'm not here to talk
about my accomplishments.
276
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:40,799
I'm here to show you
the real coach Grundy.
277
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,801
This'll teach you to stop fumbling.
278
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,204
Oh, shit, shit.
279
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,340
That douchebag Dean Barkov
is eating at table four.
280
00:11:48,342 --> 00:11:51,676
I'm gonna slap my schlong on
his New York strip real quick.
281
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,680
Ecstasy for you.
282
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:56,815
Ecstasy for you.
283
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,350
Ecstasy for you.
284
00:11:58,352 --> 00:11:59,818
Lithium for you, Teri,
you have problems.
285
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:03,155
An-n-n-n-d...
ecstasy and lithium for me.
286
00:12:03,663 --> 00:12:06,024
Now, who wants sex
from a football coach?
287
00:12:11,290 --> 00:12:13,698
Groff fans, since this video came out,
288
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,701
my family and I have
been in constant prayer.
289
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,638
And we've decided that I am
going to step away from football
290
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,474
to focus on what's important... family.
291
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:26,711
But don't worry. I will be back...
292
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,046
for the third quarter.
293
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,447
Y'all have the Gatorade ready
294
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,584
'cause I'm winning
this jiminy glickin' game.
295
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,327
Hayley, there you are.
296
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,596
I want you to know I'm
leaving the university.
297
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,732
It's like the whole school
is obsessed with football.
298
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:48,933
Including me.
299
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,535
I'll never finish my book.
300
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,471
But the only thing stopping you is you.
301
00:12:52,473 --> 00:12:55,073
Like... Like, literally, you.
302
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,809
Roger, don't you see
303
00:12:56,811 --> 00:12:59,077
that Grundy is just a
wall you're putting up
304
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,480
between you and your fear of rejection?
305
00:13:01,482 --> 00:13:03,148
Mr. Longbottom,
306
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,350
tear down this wall.
307
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,619
Terrible Reagan, Hayley.
Absolutely brutal.
308
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,954
But how am I supposed to finish my book?
309
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,490
You're a writer.
310
00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:14,092
All you need is pen and paper.
311
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,294
- And Adderall?
- Of course, Adderall.
312
00:13:16,666 --> 00:13:18,096
You're not a magician.
313
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,331
I'd like to thank you all for joining me
314
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,400
to celebrate the release of my book.
315
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,469
After spending years writing it,
316
00:13:57,471 --> 00:13:59,204
I feel fortunate to have gotten it
317
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,473
published immediately upon completion.
318
00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:04,008
Luckily, I'm acquainted
with famed publisher,
319
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:07,279
Roger T. Publishing persona.
320
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:10,215
First reviews are in.
321
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:14,152
Is there a good way to interpret
the phrase "literary abortion?"
322
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,689
- It's just one review.
- This is your fault.
323
00:14:16,691 --> 00:14:19,558
You made me expose myself
to the whole world.
324
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,094
Which is something I
ordinarily enjoy doing.
325
00:14:22,096 --> 00:14:23,295
But not in this case.
326
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,630
Not in this one particular case.
327
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,739
Roger, it's been weeks.
328
00:14:33,741 --> 00:14:35,941
- Can I talk to Longbottom?
- You can't.
329
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,342
He's gone for good.
330
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,543
You think he'd show his face
331
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,279
after that embarrassment of a book?
332
00:14:40,281 --> 00:14:42,147
It wasn't even that many pages.
333
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,283
Not like my book. It's half memoir,
334
00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:47,286
half Chophouse recipe book,
and half football playbook.
335
00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:48,820
This thing's heavy as [BLEEP]
336
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:50,956
Just try and catch it.
337
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:52,157
Hmm, nice hands.
338
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,558
But could you do it over the middle
339
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,160
with a linebacker bearing down on you,
340
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,228
ready to take your head off?
341
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,064
I bet you could.
342
00:15:01,302 --> 00:15:02,901
I'm worried about Roger.
343
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,235
He hasn't been anybody
344
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,438
but that stupid football
coach for weeks.
345
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,773
He said he was going full Grundy.
346
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,841
No other personas.
347
00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:11,376
Well, that's bad news.
348
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,511
He came into my room this morning
349
00:15:12,513 --> 00:15:14,846
and said I had to wake up for two-a-days
350
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:17,048
and the only thing
I wanna do twice a day
351
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,383
is whack it, knahwadimeen?
352
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,585
- Noice.
- Ew.
353
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,188
I mean, ewwww.
354
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,790
This is my fault.
355
00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:27,192
I convinced Roger to take a risk.
356
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,593
He got hurt, and now he'll never
357
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,662
let the good part of himself out again.
358
00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:32,063
You're crazy.
359
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,399
He let the good part of
himself out all over this book.
360
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,867
Ooh. Old Faithful.
361
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:37,669
This is my all-time favorite play.
362
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,805
He has a play called Old Faithful?
363
00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:41,540
Klaus, look at this.
364
00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:44,209
The receiver runs out of
bounds and onto the next page.
365
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:47,813
A recipe for Wyoming-style potato skins.
366
00:15:47,815 --> 00:15:51,683
Do you think Longbottom's
somewhere inside Roger,
367
00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,952
leaving clues, wanting us to find him?
368
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,620
That's crazy, Hayley.
369
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,822
But, devil's advocate,
370
00:15:56,824 --> 00:16:00,359
do you think this could be anything?
371
00:16:00,361 --> 00:16:03,362
Professor Longbottom is at Old Faithful.
372
00:16:03,364 --> 00:16:04,763
I'm not saying you're right,
373
00:16:04,765 --> 00:16:07,199
but if you are, I better come with you.
374
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,568
Chapter six.
375
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:13,438
We were down 21-7 to Lanceton,
and we were cooked.
376
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,640
Just like my famous
Grundy's Chophouse wings,
377
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:19,911
available in piles of 25, 75, or 175.
378
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:22,313
Return the bones for discounted drinks.
379
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,183
Please stop taking the bones home.
380
00:16:24,185 --> 00:16:25,784
Roger, why is so much of Grundy's book
381
00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:26,852
about chicken bones?
382
00:16:26,854 --> 00:16:28,787
They're buying the meat, not the bones.
383
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,792
I, uh, need to run ahead because...
384
00:16:33,794 --> 00:16:34,994
I-I have to pee?
385
00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:36,462
Yes. Yes. Good enough.
386
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,434
Hayley, my prized pupil.
387
00:16:44,448 --> 00:16:47,499
Roger, I came
to bring the professor home.
388
00:16:47,534 --> 00:16:48,607
Why would you want to do that?
389
00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:51,877
Professor Longbottom is
a passionate, inspiring soul.
390
00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,345
Grundy is just trying
to hold you inside,
391
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,215
but you need to burst out, like...
392
00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,283
Old Faithful.
393
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,154
You led me right to him.
394
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,556
Wait, what's happening?
395
00:17:04,558 --> 00:17:06,555
I led you to... you?
396
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:09,695
And now it's time
for the ol' ether-cut-to-black.
397
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,501
Oh, good, you're awake.
398
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:17,903
Roger, what's going on?
399
00:17:17,905 --> 00:17:20,572
We're both gonna die
when this geyser erupts.
400
00:17:20,574 --> 00:17:22,441
What? Why are you doing this?
401
00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,309
It's not me, it's Grundy.
402
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,111
I'm Roger's vulnerable side.
403
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:29,114
As long as I exist,
being all weak and shit,
404
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,449
his feelings can get hurt.
405
00:17:30,451 --> 00:17:32,117
This is stupid. Klaus was right.
406
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,718
You're a maniac. Untie me.
407
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,121
I can't. I'm just as tied up as you.
408
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,723
Grundy is at the cabin now.
He's gonna burn it down
409
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:42,594
along with all the many,
many unsold copies of my book.
410
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:43,795
I'll be erased forever.
411
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:45,731
You're at the cabin right now?
412
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,399
Hayley, you know what I mean.
413
00:17:47,401 --> 00:17:48,800
It's over.
414
00:17:48,802 --> 00:17:51,202
There's nothing we can do to stop him.
415
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,538
Okay, I should get going.
416
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,735
Don't leave me here alone.
417
00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:58,344
You're not alone.
You're with the professor.
418
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,714
'Sup, dude?
419
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,909
"They called her Old Faithful.
420
00:18:09,944 --> 00:18:11,823
"But me? I was young
421
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,826
and couldn't be faithful for a second."
422
00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:16,795
Yikes.
423
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,566
As soon as I sign this contract,
424
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:24,435
the Bazooka Sharks will
officially be moving to Ottawa.
425
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:25,904
Don't sign that paper.
426
00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:29,508
Maybe you forgot,
but I've been writing a rap.
427
00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:38,850
♪ Before you move the
'Zooka Sharks ♪
428
00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:41,653
♪ Jeff Fischer's got a few remarks ♪
429
00:18:41,655 --> 00:18:44,323
♪ The Sharks belong in Langley ♪
430
00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:47,392
♪ Where they got mad history ♪
431
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,795
♪ Like the time we lost by 63 ♪
432
00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,530
♪ An all-time Sharks memory ♪
433
00:18:51,532 --> 00:18:53,064
♪ 'Zooka, 'Zooka Sharks ♪
434
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,367
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
435
00:18:57,538 --> 00:18:59,270
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
436
00:19:02,986 --> 00:19:05,215
_
437
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,815
♪ There's just one more reason ♪
438
00:19:09,817 --> 00:19:12,151
♪ To keep the Sharks
in Langley land ♪
439
00:19:12,153 --> 00:19:15,086
♪ The memory of that little
girl who died in the stands ♪
440
00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:16,221
♪ R.I.P. ♪
441
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:19,558
♪ Always and forever
our youngest fan ♪
442
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,360
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
443
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,437
♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
444
00:19:38,712 --> 00:19:42,247
- ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
- ♪ Don't tarnish the legacy of Johnny Concussion ♪
445
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,449
♪ Shark's all-time leader in rushin' ♪
446
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:45,917
♪ Thirty yards ♪
447
00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,853
♪ So move the Sharks
at your discretion ♪
448
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,988
♪ But if you do,
I'mma send you to heaven ♪
449
00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:52,057
♪ Introduce your ass to God ♪
450
00:19:52,059 --> 00:19:54,793
♪ Rest in peace, Lisa Jenkis ♪
451
00:19:57,598 --> 00:19:59,931
Who cares about money?
452
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:03,635
The Sharks belong in Langley Falls.
453
00:20:05,006 --> 00:20:06,605
You did it, Jeff.
454
00:20:06,607 --> 00:20:08,940
You saved the Sharks.
455
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:13,412
By the way, whoever put me in
an adult diaper, thank you.
456
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:21,420
- Don't worry, I'm gonna get you out of there.
- Great.
457
00:20:21,422 --> 00:20:24,089
Starting with the professor.
458
00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:25,490
What?
459
00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,959
Aah! Aah!
460
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:31,096
- Roger.
- Ugh, fine. You're such a baby.
461
00:20:31,098 --> 00:20:32,531
Aah!
462
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,969
What the hell changed your mind?
463
00:20:37,971 --> 00:20:40,572
This book. I read it and loved it.
464
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:44,509
And I realized, if a piece of
art touches even one person,
465
00:20:44,511 --> 00:20:45,911
it's worthwhile.
466
00:20:45,913 --> 00:20:48,247
And it did touch one person.
467
00:20:48,249 --> 00:20:49,249
Me.
468
00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:53,118
- I touched myself, Hayley.
- Jiminy [BLEEP] Glick.
469
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,986
Hayley, wait. Just so you know,
470
00:20:54,988 --> 00:20:58,189
I was the professor and
the coach the whole time.
471
00:20:58,191 --> 00:21:00,059
Have a great night.
472
00:21:02,163 --> 00:21:03,954
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
34447
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