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Monty Pythons Life Of Brian -
1979 [ H264-mp4 ] English
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[ CHORUS HUMMING ]
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[ CLEARS THROAT ]
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[ SCREAMS ]
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Who are you?
We are three wise men.
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What? We are three wise men.
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What are you doing creeping around
a cowshed at 2:00 in the morning?
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That doesn't sound very wise to me.
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We are astrologers.
We have come from the East.
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Is this some kind of joke?
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We wish to praise the infant.
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We must pay homage to him.
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Homage? You're all drunk!
It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!
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Bursting in here with tales about
Oriental fortune-tellers. Out!
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No, no, we must see him.
Go and praise someone else's brat!
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We were led by a star!
Led by a bottle, more like! Go on, out!
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We must see him. We have presents!
Out!
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Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
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Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
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Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.
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Well, what is myrrh anyway?
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It is a valuable balm. A balm?!
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What are you giving him a balm for?
It might bite him!
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What? That's a dangerous animal!
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Throw it in the trough!
No, it isn't!
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Yes, it is. It's a great big...
No, no, no, it is an ointment.
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Well, there is an animal called
a balm, or did I dream it?
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So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he then?
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What star-sign is he?
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Capricorn.
Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
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He's the Son of God. Our Messiah.
King of the Jews!
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And that's Capricorn, is it?
No, no, no, that's just him!
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Oh. I was gonna say,
otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
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By what name are you calling him?
Uh, Brian.
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KINGS: We worship you, O Brian,
who are lord over us all.
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Praise unto you, Brian,
and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
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Do you do a lot of this, then?
What?
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This praising. No, no. No, no.
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Well, um, if you're dropping
by again, do pop in.
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And thanks a lot for the gold
and frankincense,
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but don't worry too much about
the myrrh next time, all right?
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Thank you. Goodbye.
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Well, weren't they nice?
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Out of their bloody minds,
but still, look at that!
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Here. Here, that's mine! Hey!
Hey, you gave me that!
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[ CHORUS SINGING ]
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[ BRIAN CRIES ]
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Shut up!
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♪ Brian ♪
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♪ The babe they called Brian ♪
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♪ He grew ♪
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♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪
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♪ Grew up to be ♪
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♪ Grew up to be ♪
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♪ A boy called Brian ♪
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♪ He had arms and legs ♪
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♪ And hands and feet ♪
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♪ This boy ♪
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♪ Whose name was Brian ♪
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♪ And he grew ♪
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♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪
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♪ Grew up to be ♪
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♪ Yes, he grew up to be ♪
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♪ A teenager called Brian ♪
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♪ And his face became spotty ♪
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♪ Yes, his face became spotty ♪
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♪ And his voice dropped down low ♪
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♪ And things started to grow ♪
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♪ On young Brian and so ♪
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♪ He was certainly no ♪
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♪ No girl named Brian ♪
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♪ Not a girl named Brian ♪
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♪ And he started to shave ♪
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♪ And have one off the wrist ♪
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♪ And want to see girls ♪
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♪ And go out and get pissed ♪
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♪ A man called Brian ♪
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♪ This man called Brian ♪
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♪ The man they called Brian ♪
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♪ This man called ♪
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♪ Brian N' ♪
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Aah!
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JESUS: How blessed are those
who know their need of God.
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How blessed are the sorrowful.
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They shall find consolation.
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How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.
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They shall have the Earth
for their possession.
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How blessed are those who hunger
and thirst to see right prevail.
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They shall be satisfied.
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How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
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They shall see God.
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Speak up!
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Shh. Quiet, Mum!
Well, I can't hear a thing.
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Let's go to a stoning.
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You can go to a stoning any-time.
Oh, come on, Brian.
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Will you be quiet?!
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Don't pick your nose!
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I wasn't picking my nose.
I was scratching.
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You was picking it while you
was talking to that lady.
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I wasn't!
Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
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Do you mind? I can't hear a word.
Don't you "do you mind" me.
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I was talking to my husband.
Go and talk to him somewhere else.
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I can't hear a bloody thing.
Don't you swear at my wife.
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I was only asking her to shut up
so we can hear, big nose.
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Don't you call
my husband "big nose."
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Well, he has got a big nose.
Could you be quiet, please?
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What was that?
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Don't know. I was busy
talking to big nose.
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I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."
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What's so special about
the cheese makers?
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Well, obviously, it's not meant
to be taken literally.
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It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
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See, if you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, big nose.
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Hey, say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in!
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Better keep listening. Might be a bit
about "blessed are the big noses."
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Oh, lay off him.
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You're not so bad yourself, oonk-faoe.
Where are you two from'? Nose City?
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One more time, mate,
I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!
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Language!
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And don't pick your nose!
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I wasn't going to pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!
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Hear that?
"Blessed are the Greek."
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The Greek?
Apparently, he'll inherit the Earth.
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Did anyone catch his name?
You're not gonna thump anybody.
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I'll thump him
if he calls me "big nose" again!
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Oh, shut up, big nose!
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Right. I warned you.
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I really will slug you so hard...!
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Oh, it's the meek.
"Blessed are the meek."
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Oh, that's nice. I'm glad they're getting
something. They have a hell of a time.
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Listen, I'm only telling the truth.
You have got a very big nose.
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Your nose is gonna be three foot wide
across your face by the time I'm finished!
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Shh!
Who hit yours? Goliath's big brother?
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Right, that's your last warning.
Oh, do pipe down.
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Silly bitch, getting in the way.
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Break it up!
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Come on, let's go to the stoning.
All right.
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Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest
in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.
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What Jesus blatantly fails
to appreciate is
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it's the meek
who are the problem.
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JUDITH: Yes, yes.
Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.
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Come on, Brian, or they'll have
stoned him before we get there.
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All right.
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Hey, get off her. That's disgusting.
Officer, intervene here.
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Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with
the big nose's fault. He started it all.
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I hate wearing these beards.
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Why aren't women
allowed at stonings?
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It's written, that's why.
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00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:57,081
Beard, madam?
Oh, I haven't got time for no stonings.
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He's not well again.
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[ DONKEY BRAYS ]
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Stone, sir?
They've got them lying on the ground.
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00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:09,344
Not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the
quality of that. That's craftsmanship.
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All right. We'll have two
with points and a big flat one.
155
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Could I have a flat one, Mum?
Shh!
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Sorry. "Dad."
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All right. Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.
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Packet of gravel.
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Should be a good one this afternoon.
Yeah?
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00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,147
Local boy - Oh, good-
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Enjoy yourselves.
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[ CROWD YELLING ]
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Matthias, son of
Deuteronomy of Gath...
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Yes! Do I say yes? Yes.
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You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town
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of uttering the name of our Lord.
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And so as a blasphemer...
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[ CROWD GASPS ]
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You are to be stoned to death!
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Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
and all I said to my wife was:
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"That piece of halibut was
good enough for Jehovah."
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[ CROWD GASPS ]
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Blasphemy! He said it again!
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Did you hear him?
CROWD: Yeah! Yes, we did!
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[ HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ] Really.
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Are there any women here today?
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Very well. By virtue of the
authority vested in me...
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Ow, lay off!
We haven't started yet.
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Come on! Who threw that?
180
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,017
Who threw that stone? Come on!
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[ HIGH-PITCHED VOICES ]
She did! She did!
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00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,355
[ LOW-PITCHED VOICES ]
He did! He did! He did!
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00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,695
Sorry, I thought we'd started.
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Go to the back. Oh, dear.
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Always one, isn't there?
186
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,740
Now, where were we?
187
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:05,578
I don't think it ought to be
blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah."
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[ YELLING ]
189
00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,835
You're only making it
worse for yourself!
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00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,547
Making it worse?!
How could it be worse?
191
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,258
Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
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00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:19,056
I'm warning you!
If you say "Jehovah" once more...
193
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,718
Right! Who threw that?
194
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,392
Come on! Who threw that?
195
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,358
[ LOW-PITCHED VOICES ]
Him! Him! Him!
196
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,561
Was it you? Yes.
197
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:34,397
Right...
Well, you did say "Jehovah."
198
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,908
Stop. Stop. Will you stop that?
199
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,071
Stop it!
200
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:47,961
Now, look. No one is to stone
anyone until I blow this whistle.
201
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,541
Do you understand?
202
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:53,049
Even... And I want to
make this absolutely clear.
203
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:56,302
Even if they do say Jehovah.
204
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:03,805
WOMAN: Good shot!
205
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:07,264
[ CROWD APPLAUDS ]
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00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:18,567
Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Oh, stop thinking about sex.
207
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,610
I wasn't.
You're always on about it.
208
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,154
Morning, noon and night.
209
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,948
"Will the girls like this?
Will the girls like that?
210
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:28,118
Is it too big? Ls it too small?"
211
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:33,961
Alms for a leper.
Alms for a leper.
212
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,751
Alms for an ex-leper.
213
00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:40,798
Bloody donkey owners, all the same,
ain't they? Never have any change.
214
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:42,465
Here's a touch.
215
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,806
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
Buzz off.
216
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,811
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
217
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,314
A talent? That's more than
he earns in a month.
218
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,316
Half a talent then?
Now, go away.
219
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:53,955
Come on, big nose, let's haggle.
What?
220
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:58,949
All right, let's say you open at one
shekel, I start at 2000, we close at 1800.
221
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,154
No. 1750?
222
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,818
G! O away 1740?
223
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:04,658
Leave him alone.
All right. Two shekels, just two.
224
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,870
Isn't this fun, eh?
Look, he's not giving you any money.
225
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,951
So piss off!
226
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:16,263
All right, sir, my final offer.
Half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
227
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,843
Did you say "ex-leper"?
That's right, sir.
228
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,878
Sixteen years behind
the bell and proud of it.
229
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,382
Well, what happened?
I was cured, sir.
230
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:26,217
Cured?
A bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
231
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:28,853
Who cured you? Jesus did, sir.
232
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,139
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
233
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,649
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me.
234
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:36,186
One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
next minute my livelihood's gone.
235
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,070
Not so much as a by-your-leave.
236
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,823
"You're cured, mate."
Bloody do-gooder.
237
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:44,493
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?
238
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,812
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
239
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:50,534
I was gonna ask him if he'd make me
a bit lame in one leg during the week.
240
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,203
You know, something beggable, but not
leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
241
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,712
Excuse my French, sir.
242
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:57,545
Brian! Come and
clean your room out.
243
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,593
There you are.
Thank you. Thank...
244
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:05,848
Half a dinar for me bloody life story?
There's no pleasing some people.
245
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:08,180
That's just what Jesus said, sir.
246
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:20,529
Oh!
247
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,782
Good afternoon.
248
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,238
Oh, uh... Hello, officer.
249
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:29,076
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
250
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,535
What's he doing here?
251
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,792
Don't start that, Brian.
Go clean your room out.
252
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,293
Bloody Romans.
253
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:37,752
Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for
them, we wouldn't have all this.
254
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:41,544
And don't you forget it.
We don't owe the Romans anything.
255
00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:44,212
That's not entirely true, is it, Brian?
256
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,425
What do you mean?
257
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:48,592
Well, you know when you
were asking me about your...?
258
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:52,604
My nose?
Yes, there's a reason it's like it is.
259
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,389
What is it?
260
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:58,605
Well, I suppose I should have
told you a long time ago, but...
261
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,937
Well, Brian...
262
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:05,241
your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
I never thought he was.
263
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:07,117
Now, none of your cheek!
264
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:09,825
He was a Roman, Brian.
265
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,615
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
266
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:16,958
You mean you were raped?!
Well, at first, yes.
267
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:21,090
Who was it?
Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
268
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,588
Promised me the known world,
he did.
269
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,630
I was to be taken to Rome,
house by the Forum...
270
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,798
slaves, asses' milk...
271
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,309
as much gold as I could eat.
272
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:34,262
Then he, having his way
with me he had... Voom!
273
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:35,813
Like a rat out of an aqueduct.
274
00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:37,189
The bastard.
275
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:40,477
Yes, so next time you go on
about the "bloody Romans,"
276
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:43,988
don't forget you're one of them.
I'm not a Roman, Mum.
277
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:48,489
And I never will be.
I'm a kike, a Yid, a Hebe, a hook nose.
278
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:53,532
I'm kosher, Mum. I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian and proud of it!
279
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,455
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
280
00:17:57,618 --> 00:18:00,792
Sex, sex, sex, that's all
they think about, huh?
281
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,674
Well, how are you then, officer?
282
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:07,754
[ TRUMPETS SOUNDING ]
283
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,811
[ AUDIENCE CLAPPING ]
284
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:27,237
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest is between.
285
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:32,370
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian baby-crusher,
286
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:36,203
and Boris Mineburg.
287
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,912
BRIAN: Thank you, madam.
288
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:41,163
Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers.
289
00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:45,550
Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.
290
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:48,427
Wolf-nipple chips. Get them while
they're hot. They're lovely.
291
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:52,216
Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar.
Tuscany fried bats...
292
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:56,227
I do feel, Reg, that any
anti-imperialist group like ours
293
00:18:56,385 --> 00:19:00,231
must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.
294
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:01,732
Agreed. Francis?
295
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:04,064
I think Judith's point of view
is very valid, Reg,
296
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:08,197
provided the movement never forgets that
it is the unalienable right of every man...
297
00:19:08,356 --> 00:19:09,699
Or woman. Or woman.
298
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,575
To rid himself... Or herself.
299
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:12,814
Agreed. Thank you, brother.
300
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:15,321
Or sister. Or sister.
301
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:17,870
Where was I?
302
00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:20,952
I think you finished. Oh. Right.
303
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:24,588
It is the birthright of every man...
Or woman.
304
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:27,227
Why don't you shut up about
women, Stan? You're putting us off.
305
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:30,128
Women have a perfect right to play
a part in our movement.
306
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,421
Why are you always
on about women, Stan?
307
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,132
I want to be one.
308
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,601
What?
309
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,937
I want to be a woman.
310
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:44,602
From now on, I want
you all to call me Loretta.
311
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:47,771
What? It's my right as a man.
312
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:51,783
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
313
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,447
I want to have babies.
314
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,283
You want to have babies?!
315
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,119
It's every man's right to have
babies if he wants them.
316
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,455
But you can't have babies.
Don't you oppress me.
317
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:06,122
I'm not oppressing you, Stan.
You haven't got a womb.
318
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:10,168
Where's the foetus gonna gestate?
You gonna keep it in a box?
319
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:11,969
[ SOBS ]
320
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:18,302
Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree
that he can't actually have babies,
321
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,846
not having a womb, which is nobody's
fault, not even the Romans',
322
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:24,481
but that he can have
the right to have babies.
323
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,187
Good idea, Judith.
324
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:30,522
We shall fight the oppressors for your
right to have babies, brother. Sister.
325
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:33,111
What's the point? What?
326
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:36,118
What's the point of fighting
for his right to have babies
327
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,696
when he can't have babies?
328
00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:43,959
It is symbolic of our struggle
against oppression.
329
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:47,501
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
330
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,924
[ TRUMPETS SOUNDING ]
331
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:57,472
GUARD: Get out there. Get out.
VICTIM: It's dangerous out there.
332
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,554
[ YELPS ]
333
00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:01,515
[ AUDIENCE LIGHTLY APPLAUDS ]
334
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,194
[ AUDIENCE GRUMBLING ]
335
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,036
[ BOOING ]
336
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:23,995
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelots' spleens.
337
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,998
Got any nuts?
Haven't got any nuts, sorry.
338
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,458
I've got Wrens' livers,
badgers' spleens...
339
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:29,747
No, no, no.
340
00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:32,424
Otters' noses?
I don't want any Roman rubbish.
341
00:21:32,583 --> 00:21:34,210
Why don't you sell proper food?
342
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:35,719
Proper food?
343
00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:38,006
Yeah, not those rich
imperialist titbits.
344
00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:41,559
Don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
345
00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:44,345
All right, bag of otters' noses, then.
Make it two.
346
00:21:44,512 --> 00:21:46,731
Two. Thanks, Reg.
347
00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:48,562
Are you the Judean People's Front?
348
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:50,726
Fuck off. What?
349
00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:53,567
Judean People's Front!
350
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:55,982
We're the People's
Front of Judea.
351
00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:59,865
Judean People's Front, God!
Wankers.
352
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:05,241
Can I join your group?
No, piss off.
353
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:09,583
I didn't want to sell this. It's only a
job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.
354
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,247
Shh!
355
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:14,542
Are you sure? Oh, dead sure.
356
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,381
I hate the Romans already.
357
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:22,638
Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ,
you'd have to really hate the Romans.
358
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,473
I do.
359
00:22:24,635 --> 00:22:26,012
Oh, yeah, how much?
360
00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:28,101
A lot.
361
00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:32,393
Right, you're in. Listen...
362
00:22:32,935 --> 00:22:35,563
the only people we hate
more than the Romans
363
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:37,398
are the fucking
Judean People's Front.
364
00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:38,817
Splitters!
365
00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:40,617
And the Judean
Popular People's Front.
366
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,119
Oh, yeah. Splitters.
367
00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,952
And the People's Front of Judea.
Yeah. Splitters.
368
00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:47,617
What?
The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
369
00:22:47,783 --> 00:22:50,627
We're the People's
Front of Judea.
370
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:53,460
Oh. I thought we were
the Popular Front.
371
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:55,590
People's Front.
372
00:22:55,833 --> 00:22:58,336
What ever happened
to the Popular Front, Reg?
373
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:00,129
He's over there.
374
00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:05,468
ALL: Splitter!
375
00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:07,974
[ CROWD BOOING ]
376
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,643
[ GLADIATOR PANTING AND GASPING ]
377
00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:12,350
Oh! Oh...
378
00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:16,487
I think I'm about to have
a cardiac arrest.
379
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:19,482
Absolutely dreadful.
380
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:24,491
[ CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING ]
381
00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:38,342
What's your name?
Brian. Brian Cohen.
382
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:42,630
We may have
a little job for you, Brian.
383
00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:41,072
What's this, then?
"Romanes eunt domus"?
384
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:44,400
"People called Romanes,
they go the house"?
385
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,534
It says, "Romans go home."
386
00:24:47,361 --> 00:24:50,706
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for "Roman"?
387
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:52,537
Come on. Romanus?
388
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:54,043
Goes like...? Anus?
389
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,795
Vocative plural of anus is...?
390
00:24:56,954 --> 00:24:58,877
Ani? Romani.
391
00:25:00,249 --> 00:25:02,627
"Eunt"? What is eunt? "GO-ll.
392
00:25:02,793 --> 00:25:08,141
Conjugate the verb "to go."
Ere, eo, is, it, Imus, itis, eunt.
393
00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:10,221
So eunt is...?
394
00:25:10,384 --> 00:25:13,058
Third person plural,
present indicative. "They go."
395
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:18,272
But "Romans go home" is an order,
so you must use the...?
396
00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:20,812
Imperative! Which is...?
397
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:23,989
Oh' II-i-II How many Romans?
398
00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:27,944
Plural, plural. Lte. Lte. Lte.
399
00:25:28,777 --> 00:25:31,451
Domus? Nominative?
400
00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:35,459
"Go home." This is motion
towards, isn't it, boy?
401
00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:39,338
Dative! Not dative,
not the dative, sir!
402
00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:43,126
The accusative! Accusative!
Domum, sir. Ad domum.
403
00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:46,136
Except that domus takes the...?
The locative, sir.
404
00:25:46,295 --> 00:25:47,467
Which is...? Domum!
405
00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:49,927
Domum.
406
00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:53,640
Understand? Yes, sir.
407
00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:56,976
Write that 100 times.
Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail Caesar.
408
00:25:57,139 --> 00:25:59,938
Hail Caesar. If it's not done by
sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
409
00:26:00,142 --> 00:26:03,442
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
410
00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,010
Finished.
411
00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:33,509
Right. Now, don't do it again.
412
00:26:56,073 --> 00:26:57,575
Hey! Bloody Romans.
413
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:35,237
FRANCIS: We're getting in through the
underground heating system here,
414
00:27:35,404 --> 00:27:38,078
up through into the
main audience chamber here,
415
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,743
and Pilate's wife's
bedroom is here.
416
00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,749
Having grabbed his wife,
we inform Pilate
417
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:47,587
that she's in our custody,
and forthwith issue our demands.
418
00:27:47,833 --> 00:27:50,256
Any questions?
What exactly are the demands?
419
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:55,057
We're giving Pilate two clays to dismantle
the entire Roman imperialist state,
420
00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:57,809
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
421
00:27:57,968 --> 00:28:00,221
Cut her head off?
Cut all her bits off.
422
00:28:00,429 --> 00:28:03,854
Send them back on the hour, every hour.
Show them we're not to be trifled with.
423
00:28:04,057 --> 00:28:08,813
And of course, we point out that they bear
full responsibility when we chop her up,
424
00:28:08,979 --> 00:28:12,449
and that we shall not
submit to blackmail.
425
00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:14,451
ALL: No blackmail!
426
00:28:14,610 --> 00:28:18,490
They've bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.
427
00:28:18,739 --> 00:28:22,118
And not just from us! From our fathers,
and from our fathers' fathers.
428
00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:24,503
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Yeah.
429
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:26,789
And from our fathers' fathers'
fathers' fathers.
430
00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:28,628
All right, don't labour the point.
431
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,010
And what have they ever
given us in return?
432
00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:35,635
The aqueduct?
433
00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:37,929
What? The aqueduct.
434
00:28:38,467 --> 00:28:41,141
Oh. Yeah, they did give us that.
That's true, yeah.
435
00:28:41,303 --> 00:28:43,305
And the sanitation.
436
00:28:43,472 --> 00:28:46,817
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember
what the city used to be like?
437
00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:51,025
I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation,
the two things the Romans have done.
438
00:28:51,188 --> 00:28:53,987
And the roads.
Yeah, obviously the roads.
439
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:56,197
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?
440
00:28:56,401 --> 00:28:58,761
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads...
441
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:01,289
MAN 1: Irrigation. Medicine?
442
00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:04,122
Education.
Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.
443
00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:06,328
And the wine.
444
00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:10,333
That's something we'd really
miss, Reg, if the Romans left.
445
00:29:10,499 --> 00:29:11,671
MAN 2: Public baths.
446
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:14,177
And it's safe to walk in
the streets at night now.
447
00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:15,679
They certainly know
how to keep order.
448
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:19,341
Let's face it, they're the only ones
who could in a place like this.
449
00:29:20,509 --> 00:29:25,231
All right, but apart from sanitation,
medicine, education, wine, public order,
450
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:29,025
irrigation, roads, the fresh-water
system and public health,
451
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:32,688
what have the Romans
ever done for us?
452
00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:34,026
Brought peace?
453
00:29:34,231 --> 00:29:36,825
Oh, peace. Shut up!
454
00:29:36,984 --> 00:29:38,327
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
455
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:52,425
I'm a poor man. My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bented.
456
00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:57,053
It's all right, Matthias.
It's all clear.
457
00:30:04,344 --> 00:30:06,517
Well, where's Reg?
458
00:30:07,264 --> 00:30:10,894
Reg. Reg. It's Judith.
459
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:14,689
What went wrong?
The first blow has been struck.
460
00:30:15,022 --> 00:30:17,741
Did he finish the slogan?
A hundred times.
461
00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:22,029
In letters 10 foot high,
all the way around the palace.
462
00:30:22,195 --> 00:30:24,072
Oh, great.
463
00:30:24,239 --> 00:30:29,962
Great. We need doers in our movement,
Brian, but before you join us, know this:
464
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,589
There is not one of us here
who would not gladly suffer death
465
00:30:32,748 --> 00:30:35,092
to rid this country of the Romans
once and for all.
466
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,252
MAN: Well, one.
467
00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:41,265
Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one. But
otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?
468
00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:43,263
Yes.
469
00:30:44,259 --> 00:30:48,981
From now on, you shall be called,
"Brian, that is called Brian."
470
00:30:49,139 --> 00:30:51,437
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
471
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,898
Right. This is the plan:
472
00:30:54,936 --> 00:30:57,564
Now, this is the palace
in Caesar's Square.
473
00:30:57,773 --> 00:31:00,493
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night
474
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:03,946
and make our way
to the North western main drain.
475
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:08,492
H' questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.
476
00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:11,832
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the PFJ,
477
00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:15,462
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head...
478
00:31:15,624 --> 00:31:20,130
though he will not be taking part in any
terrorist action, as he has a bad back.
479
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,923
Aren't you going to come with us?
Solidarity, brother.
480
00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:25,809
Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.
481
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:28,971
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
482
00:31:29,179 --> 00:31:31,978
There is a Roman feast later in
the evening, so we must move fast...
483
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,643
and don't wear your best sandals.
484
00:31:34,810 --> 00:31:38,986
Turning left here, we enter the
Caesar Augustus Memorial Sewer.
485
00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:41,650
And from there proceed directly
to the hypocaust.
486
00:31:41,817 --> 00:31:46,869
This has just been re-tiled. So,
terrorists, careful with those weapons.
487
00:31:47,072 --> 00:31:50,576
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.
488
00:31:50,784 --> 00:31:54,789
This is the moment
for Habakkuk to get out his prong.
489
00:32:54,431 --> 00:32:56,433
ALL: Shh!
490
00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:14,743
Campaign for Free Galilee.
491
00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:18,755
Oh. Uh...
People's Front of Judea. Officials.
492
00:33:18,914 --> 00:33:20,257
Oh.
493
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,792
What's your group doing here?
494
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:24,586
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,
take her back, issue demands.
495
00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:26,096
So are we. What?
496
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,927
That's our plan.
497
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:29,966
We were here first.
What do you mean?
498
00:33:30,175 --> 00:33:32,052
We thought of it first.
Oh, yeah?
499
00:33:32,219 --> 00:33:34,313
Yes, a couple of years ago.
500
00:33:34,471 --> 00:33:37,441
We did.
You got all your demands worked out?
501
00:33:37,599 --> 00:33:39,601
Of course we have.
What are they?
502
00:33:39,768 --> 00:33:42,237
Well, I'm not telling you.
Pull the other one.
503
00:33:42,395 --> 00:33:44,898
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
504
00:33:45,065 --> 00:33:46,112
Did not. We did.
505
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:47,617
You didn't. We bloody did!
506
00:33:47,776 --> 00:33:49,119
ALL: Shh!
507
00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:50,824
Bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
508
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:53,081
Well, tough titty for you, fish-face.
509
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,083
All right. Why, you sly...
510
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,957
Brothers! Brothers!
We should be struggling together!
511
00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:00,247
We are.
512
00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:01,752
We mustn't fight each other!
513
00:34:01,915 --> 00:34:05,089
Surely we should be united
against the common enemy!
514
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,337
ALL: The Judean People's Front?!
515
00:34:07,504 --> 00:34:10,132
No, no, the Romans!
516
00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,642
Oh, yeah. Yes.
517
00:34:12,801 --> 00:34:14,481
FRANCIS: Yeah, he's right.
BRIAN: Look out!
518
00:34:14,511 --> 00:34:16,229
Careful.
519
00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:23,437
Right! Where were we?
You were gonna punch me.
520
00:34:23,603 --> 00:34:24,855
Oh, yeah!
521
00:34:48,003 --> 00:34:49,801
Brothers!
522
00:34:49,963 --> 00:34:52,136
Get off!
523
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,031
[ PUNCH AND GROAN ]
524
00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:21,494
[ YELLS AND MOANS ]
525
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:45,435
[ LAUGHS AND SPITS ]
526
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:53,614
MAN: You lucky bastard.
527
00:35:53,860 --> 00:35:55,237
Who's that?
528
00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:57,747
You lucky, lucky bastard.
529
00:35:57,906 --> 00:35:58,953
What?
530
00:35:59,115 --> 00:36:02,085
Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
What do you mean?
531
00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:04,837
You must have slipped him
a few shekels, eh?
532
00:36:05,038 --> 00:36:07,917
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face!
533
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:12,095
What wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face?
534
00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:16,929
I sometimes hang awake at night,
dreaming of being spat at in the face.
535
00:36:17,133 --> 00:36:19,932
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They had me in manacles!
536
00:36:20,095 --> 00:36:22,097
Manacles!
537
00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:24,061
My idea of heaven
538
00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:28,354
is to be allowed to be put in
manacles just for a few hours.
539
00:36:28,561 --> 00:36:32,611
They must think the sun shines
out of your arse, sonny.
540
00:36:32,774 --> 00:36:34,651
Lay off me, I've had a hard time!
541
00:36:34,901 --> 00:36:37,780
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years,
542
00:36:37,946 --> 00:36:41,416
they only hung me the right way up
yesterday! So don't you come around...
543
00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:42,868
All right, all right.
544
00:36:43,410 --> 00:36:47,665
They must think
you're Lord God almighty.
545
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,624
What will they do to me?
546
00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:51,589
You'll probably
get away with crucifixion.
547
00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:53,003
Crucifixion?!
548
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:54,762
Yeah. First offence.
549
00:36:54,963 --> 00:36:56,965
"Get away with crucifixion"?! It's...
550
00:36:57,132 --> 00:36:58,850
Best thing the Romans
ever did for us.
551
00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:00,260
What?! Oh, yeah.
552
00:37:00,427 --> 00:37:03,427
If we didn't have crucifixion, this
country would be in a right bloody mess.
553
00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:06,312
Guard! Nail them up, I say!
554
00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:09,478
Guard!
Nail some sense into them!
555
00:37:10,270 --> 00:37:13,149
What do you want?
I want you to move me to another cell.
556
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:14,908
[ LAUGHS AND SPITS ]
557
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:18,320
Oh, look at that!
Bloody favouritism!
558
00:37:18,528 --> 00:37:20,155
Shut up, you.
559
00:37:20,405 --> 00:37:22,032
Sorry.
560
00:37:24,451 --> 00:37:27,045
Now, take my case. They hung
me up here five years ago.
561
00:37:27,203 --> 00:37:29,376
Every night they take me down
for 20 minutes,
562
00:37:29,539 --> 00:37:30,836
then they hang me up again.
563
00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:33,798
Which I regard as very fair,
in view of what I done.
564
00:37:34,169 --> 00:37:38,800
And if nothing else, it's taught
me to respect the Romans,
565
00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:42,515
and it's taught me that
you'll never get anywhere in this life
566
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:47,148
unless you are prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's...
567
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:48,941
Oh, shut up!
568
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:52,854
Pilate wants to see you!
569
00:37:53,021 --> 00:37:54,739
Me? Come on!
570
00:37:54,939 --> 00:37:56,691
Pilate? What does he
want to see me for?
571
00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:59,236
I think he wants to know which
way you want to be crucified.
572
00:37:59,444 --> 00:38:01,242
[ RAUGHS ]
573
00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:04,874
Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
Shut up!
574
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,164
Right. Right.
575
00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:12,044
Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.
576
00:38:21,716 --> 00:38:24,560
Make quite a large living area.
577
00:38:25,053 --> 00:38:27,397
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
578
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,025
Hail Caesar. Hail.
579
00:38:31,184 --> 00:38:33,437
Only one survivor, sir.
580
00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:35,401
[ SPEECH IMPEDIMENT ]
Throw him to the flaw.
581
00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:38,407
What, sir?
Throw him to the floor.
582
00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:40,193
Oh.
583
00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:46,750
Now, what is your name, Jew?
584
00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:49,745
Brian, sir. Bwian, eh?
585
00:38:49,911 --> 00:38:52,460
No, no, Brian. Ow!
586
00:38:52,622 --> 00:38:54,044
[ GIGGLES ]
587
00:38:54,415 --> 00:38:56,964
The little rascal has spiwit.
588
00:38:57,126 --> 00:38:59,094
Has what, sir? Spiwit.
589
00:38:59,254 --> 00:39:01,256
Yes, he did, sir.
590
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:06,394
No, no, spiwit. Bwavado,
a touch of dewwing-do.
591
00:39:06,553 --> 00:39:09,147
Oh! About 11, sir.
592
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:12,813
So...
593
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:16,109
You dare to waid us?
To what, sir?
594
00:39:16,271 --> 00:39:20,117
Stwike him, centurion,
very roughly.
595
00:39:20,275 --> 00:39:22,949
And throw him to the floor, sir?
596
00:39:23,111 --> 00:39:25,113
What?
Throw him to the floor again, sir?
597
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,533
Oh, yes. Throw him
to the floor, please.
598
00:39:28,324 --> 00:39:29,746
[ YELLS ]
599
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,330
Now, Jewish rapscallion...
600
00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:35,589
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
601
00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:38,551
A Woeman? No, no, Roman.
602
00:39:40,461 --> 00:39:44,011
So your father was a Woeman?
603
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:45,641
Who was he?
604
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,680
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
605
00:39:49,846 --> 00:39:51,519
Really?
606
00:39:51,681 --> 00:39:54,434
What was his name?
Naughtius Maximus.
607
00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:56,319
[ RAUGHS ]
608
00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:02,863
Centurion, do you have anyone
of that name in the garrison?
609
00:40:03,192 --> 00:40:04,990
Well, no, sir.
610
00:40:05,153 --> 00:40:07,997
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
611
00:40:08,156 --> 00:40:12,002
Well, no, sir.
I think it's a joke, sir.
612
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:17,633
Like "Sillius Soddus"
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.
613
00:40:17,874 --> 00:40:22,345
What's so funny about
"Biggus Dickus"?
614
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:25,594
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
615
00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:30,186
I have a very great friend
in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
616
00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:31,722
[ SNICKERS ]
617
00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:34,892
Silence! What is all this insolence?
618
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:38,478
You will find yourself
in gladiator school very quickly,
619
00:40:38,645 --> 00:40:40,488
with wotten behaviour like that.
620
00:40:40,688 --> 00:40:43,362
Can I go now, sir?
621
00:40:44,692 --> 00:40:46,035
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.
622
00:40:46,194 --> 00:40:47,537
[ SNICKERS ]
623
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:50,414
Wight! Take him away! Sir, he...
624
00:40:50,615 --> 00:40:53,585
No, no, I want him fighting
wabid wild animals within a week!
625
00:40:53,743 --> 00:40:57,213
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
626
00:40:57,497 --> 00:40:59,124
[ LAUGHING ]
627
00:41:00,041 --> 00:41:05,389
I will not have my friends ridiculed
by the common soldiery!
628
00:41:07,215 --> 00:41:09,684
Anybody else
feel like a little...
629
00:41:10,718 --> 00:41:12,220
giggle...
630
00:41:12,387 --> 00:41:15,561
when I mention my friend...
631
00:41:15,848 --> 00:41:18,021
Biggus...
632
00:41:19,227 --> 00:41:20,570
Dickus?
633
00:41:20,728 --> 00:41:22,901
[ SNICKERS ]
634
00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:25,901
And what about you?
635
00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:29,571
Do you find it wisible...
636
00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:33,537
when I say the name...
637
00:41:34,784 --> 00:41:36,878
Biggus...
638
00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:39,584
Dickus?
639
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:42,166
[ SNICKERING ]
640
00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:01,186
He has a wife, you know.
641
00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:04,606
You know what she's called?
642
00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:09,610
She's called...
643
00:42:09,777 --> 00:42:11,700
lnconfinenfia.
644
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,618
Incontinentia Buttocks. Shut up!
[ GUARDS LAUGHING ]
645
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,331
What is all this?
646
00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:21,748
I've had enough of this rowdy-rebel,
sniggering behaviour!
647
00:42:22,290 --> 00:42:25,510
Silence! You call yourselves
centurion guards?
648
00:42:25,752 --> 00:42:29,427
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!
649
00:42:51,319 --> 00:42:53,663
[ WHISTLES ]
650
00:43:06,834 --> 00:43:09,007
[ SCREAMS ]
651
00:43:18,262 --> 00:43:20,264
[ SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE ]
652
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:23,359
[ SIREN WAILING ]
653
00:44:27,123 --> 00:44:29,967
You lucky bastard.
654
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,774
And the beast's head
shall be huge and black,
655
00:44:48,936 --> 00:44:53,487
and the eyes, they're of red
with the blood of living creatures!
656
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:59,664
And the whore of Babylon shall ride
forth on a three-headed serpent,
657
00:44:59,864 --> 00:45:04,995
and throughout the land
shall be a great rubbing of parts.
658
00:45:05,161 --> 00:45:09,337
And the demon shall bear
a nine-bladed sword!
659
00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:13,924
Nine-bladed! Not two
or five or seven, but nine!
660
00:45:14,086 --> 00:45:18,808
Which he will wield on all wretched
sinners. Sinners just like you, sir, there.
661
00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:23,142
And the horns shall be on the head...
Through Hebediah, his servant,
662
00:45:23,304 --> 00:45:28,310
there shall in that time be rumours
of things going astray,
663
00:45:28,476 --> 00:45:32,982
and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.
664
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:37,277
And nobody will really know
where lieth those little things,
665
00:45:37,443 --> 00:45:41,949
with the sort of raffia-work base,
that has an attachment.
666
00:45:42,323 --> 00:45:47,500
At this time, a friend shall
lose his friend's hammer,
667
00:45:47,662 --> 00:45:50,666
and the young shall not
know where lieth
668
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:52,833
the things possessed
by their fathers
669
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:56,721
that their fathers put there only
just the night before, about 8:00.
670
00:45:56,963 --> 00:45:59,842
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril
671
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:02,055
that in that time
shall the third one...
672
00:46:12,228 --> 00:46:14,196
How much? Quick. What?
673
00:46:14,355 --> 00:46:17,859
It's for the wife.
Twenty shekels.
674
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:19,493
Right. What?
675
00:46:19,652 --> 00:46:21,370
There you are. Wait a minute.
676
00:46:21,529 --> 00:46:23,748
What?
Well, we're supposed to haggle.
677
00:46:23,948 --> 00:46:25,908
No, no, I've got to...
What do you mean, "no, no"?
678
00:46:25,950 --> 00:46:27,418
I haven't got time...
Give it back.
679
00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:29,374
No, no, no, I just paid you.
Burt.
680
00:46:29,537 --> 00:46:31,585
Yeah? This bloke won't haggle.
681
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:34,421
Won't haggle?!
All right, do we have to?
682
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:37,382
Now look, I want 20 for that.
I just gave you 20.
683
00:46:37,545 --> 00:46:40,014
No. Are you telling me
that's not worth 20 Shekels?
684
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,550
Look at it. Feel the quality,
that's none of your goat.
685
00:46:42,717 --> 00:46:45,561
All right, I'll give you 19.
No, come on, do it properly.
686
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:48,348
What? Haggle properly.
This isn't worth 19.
687
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:51,233
Well, you just said it was worth 20.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
688
00:46:51,392 --> 00:46:53,565
Come on, haggle.
All right, I'll give you 10.
689
00:46:53,728 --> 00:46:57,028
That's more like it.
Ten? Are you trying to insult me?
690
00:46:57,189 --> 00:47:00,068
Me, with a poor,
dying grandmother? Ten?
691
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:03,033
All right, I'll give you 11.
Now you're getting it. Eleven?!
692
00:47:03,195 --> 00:47:04,913
Did I hear you right? Eleven?
693
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:06,244
This cost me 12,
694
00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:08,080
Seventeen? You Want to ruin me?
695
00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:10,745
No, no, no, no. Seventeen!
Eighteen?
696
00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,881
No, no, you go to 14 now.
All right, I'll give you 14.
697
00:47:14,081 --> 00:47:17,130
Fourteen? Are you joking?
That's what you told me to say!
698
00:47:17,293 --> 00:47:19,512
Oh, dear.
Tell me what to say, please!
699
00:47:20,713 --> 00:47:22,556
Offer me 14. I'll give you 14.
700
00:47:22,798 --> 00:47:25,722
He's offering me 14 for this!
Fifteen!
701
00:47:25,926 --> 00:47:29,100
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.
702
00:47:29,305 --> 00:47:31,023
Sixteen. Done.
703
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:33,108
Nice to do business with you.
704
00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:35,627
I'll throw you in this as well.
I don't want it, but thanks.
705
00:47:35,770 --> 00:47:37,397
Burt. Yeah.
706
00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,611
All right.
Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
707
00:47:39,774 --> 00:47:40,946
I just gave you 20.
708
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,952
That's right. That's four I owe you.
No, that's all right.
709
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,285
No, I've got it here.
It's all right, that's four for the gourd.
710
00:47:47,448 --> 00:47:49,951
Four? For this gourd? Four?
711
00:47:50,117 --> 00:47:52,290
Look at it! It's worth 10
if it's worth a shekel!
712
00:47:52,453 --> 00:47:55,627
You just gave it to me for nothing.
Yes, but it's worth 10.
713
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,458
All right, all right.
714
00:48:00,169 --> 00:48:03,469
No, no, no, no, it's not worth 10,
you're supposed to argue.
715
00:48:03,631 --> 00:48:06,100
"Ten for that? You must be mad!"
716
00:48:08,928 --> 00:48:12,182
Oh, well. One born every minute.
717
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:14,313
Daniel. Daniel.
718
00:48:14,475 --> 00:48:15,601
Job. Job.
719
00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:17,270
Job. Joshua.
720
00:48:17,436 --> 00:48:18,653
Joshua. Joshua.
721
00:48:18,813 --> 00:48:19,985
Judges. Judges.
722
00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:21,774
Judges. And Brian.
723
00:48:21,941 --> 00:48:24,364
And Brian. And Brian.
724
00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:28,368
I now propose that
all seven of these ex-brothers
725
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,826
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.
726
00:48:31,992 --> 00:48:35,667
I second that, Reg.
Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
727
00:48:35,830 --> 00:48:39,835
Siblings, let us not be down on it.
728
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:44,847
One total catastrophe like this
is just the beginning!
729
00:48:45,005 --> 00:48:47,884
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all...
730
00:48:48,134 --> 00:48:50,307
Look out!
731
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,861
Hello?
732
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,741
Matthias?
733
00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,533
Reg? REG: Go away.
734
00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:13,079
Reg, it's me, Brian.
REG: Get off. Get off out of it.
735
00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:14,494
Stan? Piss off.
736
00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:17,083
Yeah, piss off. Bugger off.
737
00:49:17,246 --> 00:49:19,044
[ KNOCKING ]
738
00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:22,334
Shit!
739
00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:24,378
Coming.
740
00:49:29,133 --> 00:49:32,728
Yea, verily at that time, it is written
in the Book of Obadiah,
741
00:49:32,887 --> 00:49:37,233
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey,
742
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:40,645
and anyone in the vicinity
of either the nephew or the donkey.
743
00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:44,107
My eyes are dim, l cannot see.
744
00:49:44,273 --> 00:49:46,116
Are you Matthias? Yes.
745
00:49:46,275 --> 00:49:49,028
We have reason to believe you may
be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
746
00:49:49,195 --> 00:49:52,540
a member of the terrorist organisation
the People's Front of Judea.
747
00:49:52,698 --> 00:49:57,420
Me? No, I'm just a poor old man,
I have no time for lawbreakers.
748
00:49:57,578 --> 00:50:01,799
My legs are grey, my ears are nulled,
my eyes are old and bent.
749
00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:03,209
Quiet!
750
00:50:03,375 --> 00:50:06,094
Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
751
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:21,437
You know the penalty laid down by Roman
law for harbouring a known criminal?
752
00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:23,104
No. Crucifixion.
753
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:24,817
Oh.
754
00:50:26,273 --> 00:50:29,493
Nasty, eh? Could be worse.
755
00:50:29,944 --> 00:50:32,322
What do you mean,
"could be worse"?
756
00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,289
Well, you could be stabbed.
757
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:36,325
Stabbed? Takes a second.
758
00:50:36,492 --> 00:50:40,918
Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.
759
00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:43,959
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
760
00:50:45,084 --> 00:50:47,007
You're weird.
761
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,855
No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir.
762
00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:02,189
Well, don't worry, you've not seen
the last of us, weirdo.
763
00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:04,854
Big nose. Watch it!
764
00:51:07,273 --> 00:51:08,866
Phew! That was lucky.
765
00:51:13,237 --> 00:51:14,864
I'm sorry, Reg.
766
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:17,124
Oh, it's all right, siblings, he's sorry.
767
00:51:17,283 --> 00:51:20,002
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion
straight to our official headquarters.
768
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:21,833
Well, that's all right then, Brian.
769
00:51:21,996 --> 00:51:25,125
Sit down! Have a scone.
Make yourself at home.
770
00:51:25,291 --> 00:51:26,838
You klutz!
771
00:51:27,001 --> 00:51:30,551
You stupid, birdbrained,
flat-headed...
772
00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:32,677
[ KNOCKING ]
773
00:51:35,134 --> 00:51:37,512
PROPHET #3:
With a great juicy melon behind.
774
00:51:39,138 --> 00:51:42,563
My legs are old and bent,
my ears are grizzled, yes?
775
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:45,861
There's one place we
didn't look. Guards!
776
00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:52,244
I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim,
my eyes are poor, my nose is knaokered.
777
00:51:52,401 --> 00:51:54,654
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?
778
00:51:54,862 --> 00:51:56,864
Crucifixion's a doddle.
779
00:51:57,698 --> 00:51:59,416
Don't keep saying that.
780
00:52:04,079 --> 00:52:06,377
Found this spoon, sir.
781
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:09,214
Well done, sergeant.
782
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:12,880
We'll be back, oddball.
783
00:52:14,715 --> 00:52:16,058
[ KNOCKING ]
784
00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,516
CENTURION: Open up.
You haven't given us time to hide.
785
00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:22,397
[ SCREAMS ]
786
00:52:32,066 --> 00:52:34,535
[ PREACHING LOUDLY ]
787
00:52:44,119 --> 00:52:48,920
Don't pass judgement on other people,
or you might get judged yourself.
788
00:52:49,083 --> 00:52:50,130
What?
789
00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:52,712
I said, don't pass judgement
on other people,
790
00:52:52,878 --> 00:52:55,552
or else you might
get judged too.
791
00:52:55,714 --> 00:52:57,057
Who, me? Yes.
792
00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:58,846
Thank you very much.
793
00:52:59,093 --> 00:53:00,811
Well, not just you, all of you.
794
00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:03,222
That's a nice gourd. What?
795
00:53:03,389 --> 00:53:05,608
How much do you want for the gourd?
You can have it.
796
00:53:05,766 --> 00:53:08,440
Have it?
Yes. Consider the lilies.
797
00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:10,821
Don't you want to haggle?
No. In the field.
798
00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:13,107
What's wrong with it, then?
Nothing, take it.
799
00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:16,281
Consider the lilies?
Well, the birds, then.
800
00:53:16,443 --> 00:53:17,990
What birds? Any birds.
801
00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:21,282
Why? Well, have they got jobs?
802
00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:22,995
Who? The birds.
803
00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:24,956
Have the birds got jobs?!
804
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,130
MAN: What's the matter with him?
Says the birds are scrounging.
805
00:53:28,288 --> 00:53:31,633
No, the point is, the birds,
they do all right, don't they?
806
00:53:31,792 --> 00:53:34,466
Well, and good luck to them.
Yeah, they're very pretty.
807
00:53:34,670 --> 00:53:38,800
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
808
00:53:38,966 --> 00:53:41,389
So, what are you worrying about?
There you are, see?
809
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:44,104
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
810
00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:47,158
I haven't got anything against the
birds. Consider the lilies...
811
00:53:47,307 --> 00:53:50,356
He's having a go at the flowers now.
Give the flowers a chance.
812
00:53:50,519 --> 00:53:52,647
I'll give you one for it.
It's yours!
813
00:53:52,813 --> 00:53:54,110
Two, then.
814
00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:56,901
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants...
815
00:53:57,109 --> 00:53:58,229
What were they called? What?
816
00:53:58,318 --> 00:54:00,491
What were their names?
I don't know.
817
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:02,122
And he gave them some talents...
818
00:54:02,281 --> 00:54:04,659
You don't know?
Well, it doesn't matter.
819
00:54:04,825 --> 00:54:06,793
He doesn't know
what they were called!
820
00:54:06,952 --> 00:54:09,046
Oh, they were called
Simon and Adrian. Now...
821
00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:10,626
You said you didn't know!
822
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,589
It really doesn't matter. The point
is, there were these two servants...
823
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:16,504
He's making it up as he goes along!
No, I'm not!
824
00:54:16,670 --> 00:54:19,014
And he gave them...
Wait a minute, were there three?
825
00:54:19,173 --> 00:54:21,517
He's terrible.
There were three...
826
00:54:21,675 --> 00:54:25,020
It was two or three.
WOMAN: Oh, get off!
827
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:33,855
Now hear this. Blessed are they
828
00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:38,572
who convert their neighbour's ox,
for they shall inhibit their girth.
829
00:54:38,734 --> 00:54:44,036
MAN: Rubbish!
And to them only shall be given...
830
00:54:44,198 --> 00:54:46,451
To them only...
831
00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:50,337
shall be given...
832
00:54:52,206 --> 00:54:53,833
WOMAN: What? Hm?
833
00:54:53,999 --> 00:54:56,843
Shall be given what?
Oh, nothing.
834
00:54:57,044 --> 00:54:58,717
What were you going to say?
Nothing.
835
00:54:58,879 --> 00:55:01,052
Yes, you were going to say something.
I finished.
836
00:55:01,215 --> 00:55:03,513
Oh, no, no.
Come on, tell us before you go.
837
00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:04,718
I wasn't going to
say anything. I've finished.
838
00:55:04,885 --> 00:55:05,932
WOMAN: No, you hadn't.
839
00:55:06,094 --> 00:55:07,767
What won't he tell us?
MAN: He won't say.
840
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:09,393
Is it a secret? No.
841
00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,558
Is it?
MAN: Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
842
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:13,227
Tell us. Leave me alone.
843
00:55:13,393 --> 00:55:15,896
What is the secret?
Is it the secret of eternal life?
844
00:55:16,063 --> 00:55:17,110
MAN: He won't say!
845
00:55:17,272 --> 00:55:19,775
If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
846
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,781
Leave me alone.
Just tell me, please.
847
00:55:21,985 --> 00:55:24,454
No, tell us, master,
we were here first.
848
00:55:24,613 --> 00:55:26,365
Five! Go away!
849
00:55:26,532 --> 00:55:28,409
Tell us, master.
I can't go above 5.
850
00:55:28,575 --> 00:55:31,545
Is that his gourd?
Yes, but it's under offer.
851
00:55:31,703 --> 00:55:34,923
This is his gourd. Ten!
852
00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:40,259
It is his gourd.
We will carry it for you, master.
853
00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,093
Master?
854
00:55:42,256 --> 00:55:45,635
He's gone. He's been taken up.
855
00:55:45,801 --> 00:55:49,271
ALL: Oh, he has been taken up!
Eighteen!
856
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,102
No, there he is. Over there.
857
00:55:52,766 --> 00:55:54,313
[ SHOUTING ]
858
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:06,617
[ CHORUS SINGING ]
859
00:56:17,249 --> 00:56:19,092
Look!
860
00:56:19,668 --> 00:56:21,545
He has given us a sign.
861
00:56:21,753 --> 00:56:23,630
He has given us his shoe.
862
00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:26,596
The shoe is a sign.
Let us follow his example!
863
00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:29,352
MAN 1: What? Let us, like him...
864
00:56:29,553 --> 00:56:32,147
hold up one shoe and let the
other be upon our foot,
865
00:56:32,306 --> 00:56:35,685
for this is his sign that all who
follow him shall do likewise!
866
00:56:35,851 --> 00:56:40,982
No, no, the shoe is a sign that we must
gather shoes together in abundance.
867
00:56:41,148 --> 00:56:43,617
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!
868
00:56:43,817 --> 00:56:45,990
No, let us gather
shoes together.
869
00:56:46,153 --> 00:56:47,700
Let me! Oh, get off!
870
00:56:47,863 --> 00:56:49,991
No, it is a sign that,
like him, we must think
871
00:56:50,157 --> 00:56:53,001
not of the things of the body,
but of the face and head!
872
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:56,039
Give me your shoe! Get off!
873
00:56:56,204 --> 00:56:59,378
Follow the gourd,
the holy gourd of Jerusalem!
874
00:56:59,583 --> 00:57:02,507
MAN 2: The gourd!
Hold up the sandal, like he has...
875
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,388
It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
It's a sandal!
876
00:57:05,589 --> 00:57:08,559
No, it isn't! It is a shoe!
WOMAN: Cast it away!
877
00:57:08,717 --> 00:57:10,185
Put it on! Now clear off.
878
00:57:10,344 --> 00:57:12,472
Take the shoes and follow him!
879
00:57:12,638 --> 00:57:17,109
Come, all ye who call
yourselves Gourdenes.
880
00:57:18,894 --> 00:57:20,692
Stop, I say.
881
00:57:20,854 --> 00:57:24,324
Stop. Let us...
882
00:57:24,483 --> 00:57:26,531
Let us pray.
883
00:57:26,693 --> 00:57:33,167
Yea, he cometh to us
like the seed to the grave...
884
00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:58,062
ALL: Master!
885
00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:23,796
Hey, is there another way down?
886
00:58:23,959 --> 00:58:26,257
Is there another path
down to the river?
887
00:58:26,420 --> 00:58:27,797
Mmm...
888
00:58:27,963 --> 00:58:30,057
Please, please, help me!
I've got to get...
889
00:58:30,424 --> 00:58:32,426
[ YELLING ]
890
00:58:34,177 --> 00:58:36,805
Oh, my foot! Shh!
891
00:58:36,972 --> 00:58:40,602
Oh, damn, damn, damn! I'm sorry.
892
00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:44,317
Damn! Damn and blast it!
I'm sorry!
893
00:58:44,479 --> 00:58:48,780
Don't you shush me. Eighteen years
of total silence, and you shush me.
894
00:58:48,942 --> 00:58:52,287
What?
I've kept my vow for 18 years.
895
00:58:52,446 --> 00:58:56,496
Not a single recognisable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
896
00:58:56,700 --> 00:58:58,748
Please, could you be quiet
for another five minutes?
897
00:58:58,910 --> 00:59:01,629
It doesn't matter now,
I might as well enjoy myself.
898
00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:05,338
The times in the last 18 years
I wanted to shout and sing
899
00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:08,970
and scream my name out!
Oh, I'm alive!
900
00:59:09,129 --> 00:59:11,131
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪
♪ Shh! ♪
901
00:59:11,298 --> 00:59:15,974
♪ Hava nagila, hava nag... N' ♪
902
00:59:16,136 --> 00:59:20,983
I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello,
birds! Hello, trees! I'm alive...
903
00:59:21,141 --> 00:59:22,814
Get off! I'm alive!
904
00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:25,820
♪ Hava nagila, hava neranen... N' ♪
905
00:59:27,481 --> 00:59:30,860
ALL: Master! Master!
906
00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:34,700
The master! He is here!
907
00:59:34,863 --> 00:59:37,332
The shoe! It was the gourd!
908
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:39,289
The shoe has brought us!
909
00:59:39,451 --> 00:59:42,671
Speak! Speak to us, master!
Speak to us!
910
00:59:42,996 --> 00:59:44,373
Go away!
911
00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:47,338
ALL: A blessing! A blessing!
912
00:59:47,501 --> 00:59:49,674
How shall we go away, master?
913
00:59:49,878 --> 00:59:52,176
Just go away and leave me alone.
914
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:54,174
Give us a sign.
915
00:59:54,341 --> 00:59:57,766
He has given us a sign,
he has brought us to this place!
916
00:59:57,969 --> 01:00:00,643
I didn't bring you here!
You just followed me!
917
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,521
It's still a good sign,
by any standard.
918
01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:06,812
Master, your people have walked
many miles to be with you.
919
01:00:06,978 --> 01:00:08,821
They are weary and have not eaten.
920
01:00:09,022 --> 01:00:11,024
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten!
921
01:00:11,191 --> 01:00:13,569
There is no food
in this high mountain.
922
01:00:13,819 --> 01:00:16,868
What about the juniper bushes
over there?
923
01:00:17,656 --> 01:00:20,876
ALL: A miracle! A miracle!
924
01:00:21,034 --> 01:00:24,538
He has made the bush
fruitful by his word!
925
01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:26,547
They brought forth
juniper berries!
926
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:29,926
Of course they brought forth juniper
berries, they're juniper bushes.
927
01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:31,302
What do you expect?!
928
01:00:31,503 --> 01:00:33,176
Show us another miracle.
929
01:00:33,338 --> 01:00:35,386
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
930
01:00:35,549 --> 01:00:38,393
Is not the miracle
of the juniper bushes enough?
931
01:00:39,386 --> 01:00:41,605
I say, those are
my juniper bushes.
932
01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:43,352
They are a gift from God!
933
01:00:43,557 --> 01:00:45,935
They're all I've
bloody got to eat.
934
01:00:46,101 --> 01:00:50,572
I say, get off of those bushes!
Go on! Clear off, the lot of you.
935
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:54,735
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.
936
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:56,198
I'm healed!
937
01:00:56,361 --> 01:00:59,285
The master has healed me!
I didn't touch him!
938
01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,950
I was blind, and now I can see!
939
01:01:02,117 --> 01:01:06,418
ALL:
A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!
940
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:13,132
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a
word for 18 years till he came along.
941
01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:16,973
ALL:
A miracle! He is the Messiah!
942
01:01:17,132 --> 01:01:18,930
And he hurt my foot!
943
01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:22,221
ALL: Hurt my foot,
Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine!
944
01:01:22,387 --> 01:01:24,139
Hail Messiah!
945
01:01:24,347 --> 01:01:25,974
I'm not the Messiah!
946
01:01:26,224 --> 01:01:29,444
I say you are, Lord. And I should
know, I've followed a few!
947
01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:31,947
ALL: Hail Messiah!
948
01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:33,482
I'm not the Messiah!
949
01:01:33,648 --> 01:01:36,447
Would you please listen, I am not
the Messiah, do you understand?
950
01:01:36,610 --> 01:01:38,283
Honestly!
951
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:42,745
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
952
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,078
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
953
01:01:46,244 --> 01:01:48,463
All right, I am the Messiah!
954
01:01:48,622 --> 01:01:52,252
ALL: He is! He is the Messiah!
955
01:01:52,459 --> 01:01:54,632
Now, fuck off!
956
01:02:02,636 --> 01:02:04,479
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
957
01:02:04,679 --> 01:02:06,397
Just go away! Leave me alone!
958
01:02:06,598 --> 01:02:09,272
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries.
959
01:02:09,434 --> 01:02:12,313
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence,
960
01:02:12,479 --> 01:02:15,107
and then you try and clean up
on my juniper bushes!
961
01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:19,278
Lay off! This is the Messiah,
the chosen one!
962
01:02:19,444 --> 01:02:22,414
No, he's not. An unbeliever!
963
01:02:22,614 --> 01:02:23,831
ALL: An unbeliever!
964
01:02:23,990 --> 01:02:26,664
Persecute! Kill the heretic!
965
01:02:26,826 --> 01:02:29,124
ALL: Kill! Kill! Kill!
966
01:02:30,038 --> 01:02:31,460
Kill!
967
01:02:31,623 --> 01:02:35,002
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
968
01:02:36,002 --> 01:02:37,345
Leave him alone.
969
01:02:37,504 --> 01:02:40,348
Put him down. Please!
970
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:45,804
Brian?
971
01:02:45,971 --> 01:02:47,848
Judith?
972
01:02:51,851 --> 01:02:54,070
[ ROOSTER CROWS ]
973
01:03:34,185 --> 01:03:38,736
ALL: Look, there he is!
The chosen one has woken!
974
01:03:41,026 --> 01:03:42,278
MOTHER: Brian!
975
01:03:44,070 --> 01:03:45,743
Mother!
976
01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,957
Brian! Hang on, Mother!
977
01:03:48,116 --> 01:03:49,618
Shh!
978
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:55,294
Hello, Mother.
Don't you "hello, Mother" me.
979
01:03:55,498 --> 01:03:56,920
What are all those people
doing out there?
980
01:03:57,083 --> 01:03:58,084
Well, I...
981
01:03:58,251 --> 01:04:00,253
Come on! What have you
been up to, my lad?
982
01:04:00,420 --> 01:04:02,764
I think they must have
popped by for something.
983
01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:07,974
Popped by? Swarmed by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!
984
01:04:08,136 --> 01:04:09,888
They started following
me yesterday.
985
01:04:10,055 --> 01:04:13,730
Well, they can stop following
you right now.
986
01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:19,110
Now stop following my son. You
ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
987
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:23,948
ALL: The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
988
01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:26,954
The who? ALL: The Messiah!
989
01:04:27,781 --> 01:04:31,411
There's no Messiah in here. There's
a mess all right, but no Messiah.
990
01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:33,044
Now go away!
991
01:04:33,244 --> 01:04:35,292
ALL: Brian! Brian!
992
01:04:35,455 --> 01:04:37,799
Right, my lad,
what have you been up to?
993
01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:39,839
Nothing, Mum.
Come on, out with it.
994
01:04:40,043 --> 01:04:41,841
They think I'm the Messiah, Mum.
995
01:04:42,295 --> 01:04:44,468
What have you been telling them?
Nothing, I...
996
01:04:44,631 --> 01:04:47,635
You're making it worse for yourself.
Look, I can explain...
997
01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:52,978
No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen.
Your son is a born leader!
998
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:56,518
Those people out there are following
him because they believe in him.
999
01:04:56,684 --> 01:04:58,436
They believe he can
give them hope.
1000
01:04:58,603 --> 01:05:03,575
Hope of a new life,
a new world, a better future!
1001
01:05:04,484 --> 01:05:07,988
Who's that!? That's Judith, Mum.
1002
01:05:08,154 --> 01:05:11,158
Judith, Mother.
1003
01:05:14,452 --> 01:05:16,671
CROWD: Show us the Messiah!
1004
01:05:16,830 --> 01:05:20,505
Show us the Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
1005
01:05:20,667 --> 01:05:23,841
Now you listen here,
he's not the Messiah!
1006
01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:27,382
He's a very naughty boy!
Now go away!
1007
01:05:27,632 --> 01:05:31,512
CROWD: Who are you?
I'm his mother, that's who.
1008
01:05:31,719 --> 01:05:35,974
CROWD: Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!
1009
01:05:36,141 --> 01:05:39,395
Hail to thee, mother of Brian!
1010
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:43,323
Blessed art thou! Hosanna!
1011
01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:47,861
All things to thee, now and always!
1012
01:05:48,027 --> 01:05:50,906
Now, don't think you can
get around me like that.
1013
01:05:51,114 --> 01:05:54,709
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.
1014
01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:57,245
Now shove off!
1015
01:05:57,495 --> 01:05:58,872
CROWD: No!
1016
01:05:59,831 --> 01:06:01,925
Did you hear what I said?
1017
01:06:02,125 --> 01:06:03,377
CROWD: Yes!
1018
01:06:03,877 --> 01:06:07,552
Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?
CROWD: Yes!
1019
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:13,387
Oh, all right then, you can see him for
one minute, but not one second more!
1020
01:06:13,553 --> 01:06:16,227
Do you understand? CROWD: Yes.
1021
01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:20,439
Promise? CROWD: Well, all right.
1022
01:06:21,060 --> 01:06:24,234
All right, here he is then. Come on, Brian.
Come and talk to them.
1023
01:06:24,397 --> 01:06:27,116
But, Mum, Judith...
Leave that Welsh tart alone.
1024
01:06:27,275 --> 01:06:29,744
I don't really want to, Mum.
1025
01:06:29,903 --> 01:06:33,407
[ CHEERING ]
1026
01:06:36,743 --> 01:06:40,168
Good morning!
CROWD: A blessing! A blessing!
1027
01:06:40,747 --> 01:06:45,253
No, please.
Please, please, listen!
1028
01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:48,171
I've got one or two
things to say.
1029
01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:50,757
CROWD:
Tell us! Tell us both of them!
1030
01:06:51,257 --> 01:06:55,933
Look, you've got it all wrong!
You don't need to follow me.
1031
01:06:56,095 --> 01:06:59,599
You don't need to follow anybody!
1032
01:06:59,933 --> 01:07:04,655
You've got to think for yourselves.
You're all individuals!
1033
01:07:04,812 --> 01:07:08,112
CROWD:
Yes, we're all individuals!
1034
01:07:08,274 --> 01:07:10,276
You're all different.
1035
01:07:10,485 --> 01:07:13,409
CROWD:
Yes, we are all different!
1036
01:07:13,571 --> 01:07:15,619
I'm not. Shh.
1037
01:07:16,491 --> 01:07:20,086
You've all got to work it out
for yourselves!
1038
01:07:20,286 --> 01:07:24,336
CROWD: Yes, we've got to
work it out for ourselves!
1039
01:07:24,624 --> 01:07:26,626
Exactly!
1040
01:07:26,793 --> 01:07:29,967
CROWD: Tell us more!
No, that's the point!
1041
01:07:30,129 --> 01:07:33,178
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
1042
01:07:33,341 --> 01:07:36,720
Otherwise-Oh, no!
That's enough! That's enough.
1043
01:07:38,638 --> 01:07:42,142
CROWD: That wasn't a minute.
1044
01:07:42,308 --> 01:07:46,859
Oh, yes, it was.
CROWD: Oh, no, it wasn't!
1045
01:07:47,105 --> 01:07:49,858
Now stop that, and go away.
1046
01:07:50,108 --> 01:07:52,156
Excuse me? MOTHER: Yes?
1047
01:07:52,318 --> 01:07:53,661
Are you a virgin?
1048
01:07:54,362 --> 01:07:56,535
I beg your pardon?
1049
01:07:56,948 --> 01:08:01,044
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?
1050
01:08:01,286 --> 01:08:06,133
If it's not a personal question? How
much more personal can you get?
1051
01:08:06,291 --> 01:08:08,760
Now piss off.
1052
01:08:10,128 --> 01:08:12,506
MAN 1: She is.
MAN 2: Must be. Definitely.
1053
01:08:12,672 --> 01:08:15,175
MAN 3: Definitely. Definitely.
1054
01:08:15,341 --> 01:08:17,014
[ CROWD CHATTERING ]
1055
01:08:18,177 --> 01:08:19,520
Morning, Saviour!
1056
01:08:19,679 --> 01:08:22,398
[ CROWD PLEADING ]
1057
01:08:29,022 --> 01:08:31,150
Lay your hands on me! Quick!
1058
01:08:31,316 --> 01:08:33,535
FRANCIS: Now, don't jostle
the chosen one! Please!
1059
01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:34,910
[ BABY CRYING ]
1060
01:08:35,069 --> 01:08:39,370
Don't push that baby in the
Saviour's face! He'll touch it later!
1061
01:08:39,532 --> 01:08:40,704
I say...
1062
01:08:40,867 --> 01:08:43,165
Could he just see my wife?
She has a headache.
1063
01:08:43,328 --> 01:08:44,750
You'll have to wait, I'm afraid!
1064
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,256
She's very bad, and we've got
a luncheon appointment!
1065
01:08:47,415 --> 01:08:49,042
Look, the lepers are queuing!
1066
01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:51,836
BEARDED MAN: Her brother-in-law
is the ex-mayor of Gath.
1067
01:08:52,003 --> 01:08:55,928
Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman
who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday?
1068
01:08:56,090 --> 01:08:58,764
Hello. Don't push!
1069
01:08:58,926 --> 01:09:02,055
Now keep the noise down, please!
1070
01:09:02,221 --> 01:09:06,897
Those possessed by devils, try and keep
them under control a bit! Can't you?
1071
01:09:07,060 --> 01:09:10,564
REG: Incurables, you'll just have
to wait for a few minutes.
1072
01:09:10,730 --> 01:09:14,906
Women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
1073
01:09:15,068 --> 01:09:16,365
JUDITH: Brian?
1074
01:09:17,070 --> 01:09:19,698
Brian! You were fantastic!
1075
01:09:19,864 --> 01:09:23,084
You weren't so bad yourself.
No, what you said just now!
1076
01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:25,961
Quite extraordinary!
What? Oh, that. Was it?
1077
01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:30,296
We don't need any leaders! You're so right!
Reg has been dominating us for too long.
1078
01:09:30,458 --> 01:09:31,459
Well, yes...
1079
01:09:31,626 --> 01:09:34,049
It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian!
1080
01:09:34,212 --> 01:09:35,634
You're very attractive.
1081
01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,887
It's our revolution!
We can all do it together!
1082
01:09:39,050 --> 01:09:40,097
I think...
1083
01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:43,763
We're all behind you, Brian!
The revolution is in your hands!
1084
01:09:43,930 --> 01:09:47,275
What? No, that's not
what I meant at all!
1085
01:09:47,433 --> 01:09:50,733
You're fucking nicked,
me old beauty!
1086
01:09:50,895 --> 01:09:52,738
Right!
1087
01:09:58,778 --> 01:09:59,904
Stop it!
1088
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:05,584
Well, Bwian, you've given us
a good wun for our money.
1089
01:10:05,743 --> 01:10:07,620
A what?
1090
01:10:07,787 --> 01:10:12,418
And this time,
I guarantee you will not escape.
1091
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:17,305
Guard! Do we have any
cwucifixions today?
1092
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:20,967
139, sir. Special celebration.
Passover, sir.
1093
01:10:21,134 --> 01:10:25,310
Wight! Now we have 140!
Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?
1094
01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:30,275
Hail Caesar! Hail!
1095
01:10:30,435 --> 01:10:34,315
The crowd outside are getting a bit restless,
sir. Permission to disperse them, please.
1096
01:10:35,148 --> 01:10:37,947
Disperse them?
But I haven't addressed them yet!
1097
01:10:38,109 --> 01:10:39,611
No, I know, sir, but...
1098
01:10:39,777 --> 01:10:41,697
My address is one of the
high points of Passover!
1099
01:10:41,821 --> 01:10:45,121
My friend Biggus Dickus has come
all the way from Wome to hear it!
1100
01:10:45,283 --> 01:10:47,911
Hail Caesar! Hail Thaesar!
1101
01:10:48,661 --> 01:10:50,959
You're not...?
1102
01:10:51,122 --> 01:10:54,547
You're not thinking of giving
it a miss this year, then, sir?
1103
01:10:55,293 --> 01:10:56,670
Give it a miss?!
1104
01:10:56,836 --> 01:11:00,181
Well, it's just that they're
in a rather funny mood today, sir.
1105
01:11:00,339 --> 01:11:01,465
Really, centurion!
1106
01:11:01,632 --> 01:11:05,728
I'm surpwised to hear a man like you
wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.
1107
01:11:06,053 --> 01:11:08,727
A bit thundery, sir.
Take him away!
1108
01:11:08,931 --> 01:11:11,730
I'm a Roman!
I can prove it, honestly!
1109
01:11:11,934 --> 01:11:15,029
And cwucify him well!
1110
01:11:15,438 --> 01:11:17,315
Biggus!
1111
01:11:18,024 --> 01:11:20,493
I really wouldn't, sir!
Out of the way, centurion!
1112
01:11:20,651 --> 01:11:25,532
Let me come with you, Pontius. I may be of
some athistance if there ith a sudden crithis!
1113
01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:31,371
Right! Now, item four: Attainment of world
supremacy within the next five years.
1114
01:11:31,537 --> 01:11:34,666
Francis, you've been working on this?
Yeah, thank you, Reg.
1115
01:11:34,832 --> 01:11:38,052
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic,
1116
01:11:38,211 --> 01:11:41,260
unless we can smash the Roman
Empire within the next 12 months!
1117
01:11:41,464 --> 01:11:43,091
Twelve months? Yeah, 12 months.
1118
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:47,057
And let's face it, as empires go,
this is the big one.
1119
01:11:47,220 --> 01:11:51,066
So we gotta get up off our arses
and stop just talking about it!
1120
01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:52,271
ALL: Hear! Hear!
1121
01:11:52,475 --> 01:11:56,070
I agree! It's action that counts,
not words, and we need action now!
1122
01:11:56,687 --> 01:12:00,442
You're right. We could sit around here
all day, talking, passing resolutions,
1123
01:12:00,608 --> 01:12:04,533
making clever speeches, it's not
gonna shift one Roman soldier!
1124
01:12:04,695 --> 01:12:08,074
So let's just stop gabbing on about it!
It's completely pointless,
1125
01:12:08,241 --> 01:12:10,243
and it's getting us nowhere!
ALL: Right!
1126
01:12:10,409 --> 01:12:12,878
I agree!
This is a complete waste of time!
1127
01:12:14,205 --> 01:12:15,422
They've arrested Brian!
1128
01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:17,583
ALL: What?
They've dragged him off!
1129
01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:19,297
They're gonna crucify him!
1130
01:12:19,502 --> 01:12:22,972
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!
1131
01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:24,222
What?! Immediate!
1132
01:12:24,382 --> 01:12:25,429
Right! New motion?
1133
01:12:25,591 --> 01:12:31,064
Completely new motion!
That there be immediate action...
1134
01:12:31,222 --> 01:12:32,599
Once the vote has been taken.
1135
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:35,609
Obviously once the vote's been taken.
Can't act on a resolution till you vote...
1136
01:12:35,768 --> 01:12:38,112
Reg, let's go now, please!
Right! Right!
1137
01:12:38,271 --> 01:12:42,572
In the light of fresh information
from sibling Judith...
1138
01:12:42,733 --> 01:12:44,735
Not so fast, Reg.
Reg, for God's sake!
1139
01:12:44,902 --> 01:12:46,950
It's perfectly simple!
1140
01:12:47,113 --> 01:12:50,037
All you've gotta do is to go out
of that door now,
1141
01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:52,790
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
1142
01:12:52,952 --> 01:12:54,454
It's happening, Reg!
1143
01:12:54,620 --> 01:12:59,626
Something's actually happening,
Reg! Can't you understand?
1144
01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:01,339
[ SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION ]
1145
01:13:05,089 --> 01:13:06,261
Yeah, hello.
1146
01:13:06,424 --> 01:13:08,677
Another little ego trip
from the feminists.
1147
01:13:08,843 --> 01:13:11,471
What? Sorry, Loretta.
1148
01:13:11,637 --> 01:13:13,560
Read that back, would you?
1149
01:13:17,101 --> 01:13:19,775
[ CHAINS RATTLING ]
1150
01:13:26,694 --> 01:13:28,162
Next.
1151
01:13:28,321 --> 01:13:29,789
Crucifixion? Yes.
1152
01:13:29,947 --> 01:13:34,669
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
1153
01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:36,124
Next.
1154
01:13:36,287 --> 01:13:37,504
Crucifixion? Yes.
1155
01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:43,215
Good. Out of the door, line on
the left, one cross each. Next.
1156
01:13:43,377 --> 01:13:46,381
Crucifixion? No, freedom.
1157
01:13:46,589 --> 01:13:47,841
What? Freedom for me.
1158
01:13:48,007 --> 01:13:52,353
They said I hadn't done anything, so I
could go free and live on an island.
1159
01:13:52,595 --> 01:13:55,519
Oh. That's jolly good.
Well, off you go, then.
1160
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:58,685
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.
1161
01:13:58,851 --> 01:14:00,694
I see. Very good, very good.
1162
01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:02,025
Well, out of the door.
1163
01:14:02,188 --> 01:14:04,566
Out of the door,
one cross each, line on the left.
1164
01:14:04,732 --> 01:14:07,861
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
Crucifixion?
1165
01:14:08,027 --> 01:14:09,324
Yes. Good.
1166
01:14:09,528 --> 01:14:13,032
[ TRUMPETS SOUNDING
AND CROWD CHEERING ]
1167
01:14:21,040 --> 01:14:22,838
[ CROWD GROWS QUIET ]
1168
01:14:23,376 --> 01:14:26,380
People of Jerusalem!
1169
01:14:28,130 --> 01:14:31,054
Wome is your fwiend!
1170
01:14:31,217 --> 01:14:33,345
[ LAUGHTER ]
1171
01:14:36,138 --> 01:14:39,938
To prove our friendship,
it is customary at this time
1172
01:14:40,142 --> 01:14:43,237
to welease a wongdoer
from our prisons.
1173
01:14:43,396 --> 01:14:44,739
[ CROWD LAUGHS ]
1174
01:14:44,897 --> 01:14:45,898
[ SNICKERS ]
1175
01:14:48,651 --> 01:14:52,622
Whom would you have me welease?
1176
01:14:52,780 --> 01:14:55,784
Release Woger! CROWD: Yeah!
1177
01:14:55,950 --> 01:14:59,750
CROWD:
Release Woger! Release Woger!
1178
01:15:02,581 --> 01:15:07,257
Very well,
I shall welease Woger!
1179
01:15:07,420 --> 01:15:10,139
CROWD: Yeah!
1180
01:15:10,297 --> 01:15:12,550
Sir, we don't have a Woger, sir.
1181
01:15:12,717 --> 01:15:16,597
What?
We don't have anyone of that name.
1182
01:15:16,762 --> 01:15:19,606
Ah. We have no Woger!
1183
01:15:19,765 --> 01:15:22,393
CROWD: Aww.
1184
01:15:22,560 --> 01:15:24,312
But what about Wodewick, then?
1185
01:15:24,478 --> 01:15:27,607
CROWD: Yeah! Release Wodewick!
Release Wodewick!
1186
01:15:27,773 --> 01:15:28,820
[ CROWD LAUGHING ]
1187
01:15:28,983 --> 01:15:33,784
Centurion, why do they titter so?
1188
01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:37,700
Just some Jewish joke, sir.
1189
01:15:39,118 --> 01:15:42,247
Are they wagging me?
1190
01:15:43,789 --> 01:15:46,087
Oh, no, sir!
1191
01:15:46,250 --> 01:15:47,297
[ SNICKERS ]
1192
01:15:47,460 --> 01:15:50,589
Very well. I shall
welease Wodewick!
1193
01:15:50,755 --> 01:15:51,802
[ CROWD LAUGHS ]
1194
01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:53,841
Sir, we don't have
a Roderick either.
1195
01:15:54,008 --> 01:15:57,137
No Woger, no Wodewick?
Sorry, sir.
1196
01:15:57,303 --> 01:15:58,503
Who is this Wod...? [ SNICKERS ]
1197
01:15:58,721 --> 01:16:02,146
Who is this Wodewick
to whom you refer?
1198
01:16:02,308 --> 01:16:03,810
He is a wobber!
1199
01:16:03,976 --> 01:16:05,102
[ CROWD LAUGHS ]
1200
01:16:05,269 --> 01:16:07,988
MAN: And a wapist!
1201
01:16:08,439 --> 01:16:12,239
And a pickpocket! Yeah... No, no.
1202
01:16:13,527 --> 01:16:15,370
He sounds a notorious criminal.
1203
01:16:15,529 --> 01:16:17,327
We haven't got him, sir.
1204
01:16:18,324 --> 01:16:20,167
Do we have anyone
in our prisons?
1205
01:16:20,326 --> 01:16:22,169
We've got a Samson, sir. Samson?
1206
01:16:22,328 --> 01:16:27,334
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Silas the Syrian Assassin.
1207
01:16:27,500 --> 01:16:31,346
Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
1208
01:16:31,504 --> 01:16:32,551
Sixty-seven...
1209
01:16:32,755 --> 01:16:35,133
Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth!
Oh, no!
1210
01:16:35,299 --> 01:16:36,801
Good idea, Biggus!
1211
01:16:36,967 --> 01:16:41,063
Citizenth! We have Thamson
the Thadducee Thtrangler,
1212
01:16:41,305 --> 01:16:43,683
Thilas the Athyrian Athathin,
[ CROWD LAUGHING ]
1213
01:16:43,849 --> 01:16:47,854
Theveral theditious thcribes
from Thaetharea, and...
1214
01:16:48,020 --> 01:16:49,818
Next.
1215
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,366
Crucifixion? Yes.
1216
01:16:52,525 --> 01:16:56,701
Good. Out of the door, line on the
left, one cross each. Jailer?
1217
01:16:56,862 --> 01:17:00,537
Excuse me? There's been a mistake.
Just a moment, would you? Jailer?
1218
01:17:00,699 --> 01:17:04,704
How many have come through?
What?
1219
01:17:04,870 --> 01:17:07,714
How many have come through?
1220
01:17:07,873 --> 01:17:08,874
What?
1221
01:17:09,041 --> 01:17:12,090
[ STUTTERING ]
You'll have to speak...
1222
01:17:15,005 --> 01:17:18,680
Speak up, sir. He's... He's d...
1223
01:17:18,843 --> 01:17:22,893
He's deaf...
Deaf as a post, sir.
1224
01:17:23,055 --> 01:17:26,855
[ LOUDLY ]
How many have come through?
1225
01:17:27,726 --> 01:17:29,899
[ CHUCKLING ]
1226
01:17:30,062 --> 01:17:32,736
Oh, dear. I make it 90...
1227
01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:36,243
Ninety...
1228
01:17:37,403 --> 01:17:39,371
Ninety-six, sir.
1229
01:17:39,530 --> 01:17:42,033
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
1230
01:17:42,199 --> 01:17:44,372
No, sir!
1231
01:17:44,535 --> 01:17:48,585
Not with these b...
Bastards, sir!
1232
01:17:54,587 --> 01:17:56,806
Crucifixion's too good
for them, sir.
1233
01:17:56,964 --> 01:17:59,558
I don't think you could say
it's too good for them. It's nasty!
1234
01:17:59,717 --> 01:18:01,845
It's not as n...
1235
01:18:04,763 --> 01:18:08,108
Not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
1236
01:18:08,267 --> 01:18:11,441
Now, crucifixion?
Is there someone I could speak to?
1237
01:18:11,604 --> 01:18:14,949
Well...
I know where to get it if you want it.
1238
01:18:15,107 --> 01:18:19,283
What?
Don't worry about him, sir. He's de...
1239
01:18:21,906 --> 01:18:24,409
He's deaf and mad, sir.
1240
01:18:24,575 --> 01:18:26,248
Well, how did he get the job?
1241
01:18:26,410 --> 01:18:28,788
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir!
1242
01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:33,084
Get a move on, big nose! There's people
waiting to be crucified out here!
1243
01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:35,427
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
1244
01:18:35,586 --> 01:18:37,634
Do you have a lawyer?
No, but I'm a Roman.
1245
01:18:37,796 --> 01:18:40,265
How about a retrial?
We've got plenty of time.
1246
01:18:40,758 --> 01:18:42,977
Shut up, you!
Miserable, bloody Romans!
1247
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:45,308
No sense of humour.
1248
01:18:45,471 --> 01:18:46,472
Sorry, bit of a hurry.
1249
01:18:46,639 --> 01:18:51,145
Can you go straight out, line on
the left, one cross each? Now...
1250
01:18:51,310 --> 01:18:53,608
[ CROWD LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY ]
1251
01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:03,159
Wath it thomething I thaid?
1252
01:19:04,823 --> 01:19:08,828
Silence!
1253
01:19:08,994 --> 01:19:11,668
This man commands
a cwack legion!
1254
01:19:11,830 --> 01:19:13,298
Cw add. Cwadd.!
1255
01:19:13,457 --> 01:19:16,961
[ LAUGHING ]
1256
01:19:17,127 --> 01:19:18,845
He wanks as high as any in Wome!
1257
01:19:19,004 --> 01:19:22,884
[ CROWD LAUGHING ]
1258
01:19:23,050 --> 01:19:24,347
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
1259
01:19:24,927 --> 01:19:26,429
Crucifixion party?
1260
01:19:28,514 --> 01:19:29,515
Morning.
1261
01:19:29,682 --> 01:19:34,062
Now, we will be on show as we go through
the town, so let's not let the side down!
1262
01:19:34,228 --> 01:19:37,482
Keep in a straight line, three lengths
between you and the man in front,
1263
01:19:37,648 --> 01:19:39,491
and a good, steady pace.
1264
01:19:39,650 --> 01:19:43,405
Crosses over your left shoulders,
and if you keep your backs hard up
1265
01:19:43,570 --> 01:19:45,572
against the crossbeam
you'll be there in no time.
1266
01:19:45,739 --> 01:19:47,082
[ GROANS ]
1267
01:19:47,241 --> 01:19:48,367
All right, centurion.
1268
01:19:48,534 --> 01:19:50,832
Crucifixion party!
1269
01:19:50,995 --> 01:19:52,997
Wait for it.
1270
01:19:53,163 --> 01:19:55,541
Crucifixion party!
1271
01:19:55,708 --> 01:19:59,838
By the left! Forward!
1272
01:20:00,004 --> 01:20:02,928
[ PARTY GROANING ]
1273
01:20:03,090 --> 01:20:05,593
PRISONER: You lucky bastards!
1274
01:20:07,052 --> 01:20:10,727
You lucky, jabby bastards!
1275
01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:18,947
[ MOANS ]
1276
01:20:19,106 --> 01:20:22,076
Let me shoulder
your burden, brother!
1277
01:20:22,234 --> 01:20:25,408
Thank you.
1278
01:20:25,571 --> 01:20:28,620
Hey! Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
1279
01:20:28,782 --> 01:20:29,908
It's not my cross...
1280
01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:34,251
Shut up and get on with it!
Come on!
1281
01:20:34,413 --> 01:20:38,919
He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson!
1282
01:20:39,585 --> 01:20:41,758
All Wight!
1283
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:44,218
I will give you one more chance!
1284
01:20:44,381 --> 01:20:50,605
This time I want to hear
no Wubens, no Weginalds,
1285
01:20:50,763 --> 01:20:53,812
no Wudolf the
Wed-nosed Weindeers.
1286
01:20:54,016 --> 01:20:55,984
No Thpenther Trathys!
1287
01:20:56,143 --> 01:20:58,111
Or we shall welease no one!
1288
01:20:58,270 --> 01:20:59,943
Release Brian!
1289
01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:01,482
Yeah, that's a good one!
1290
01:21:01,648 --> 01:21:03,571
Welease Bwian!
1291
01:21:03,734 --> 01:21:04,986
CROWD:
Release Bwian! Release Bwian!
1292
01:21:05,152 --> 01:21:06,404
[ LAUGHING ]
1293
01:21:07,321 --> 01:21:09,244
Very well! That's it!
1294
01:21:09,406 --> 01:21:11,750
Sir, we have got a Brian, sir.
What?
1295
01:21:11,909 --> 01:21:17,131
You just sent him for crucifixion, sir!
Wait! Wait! We do have a Bwian.
1296
01:21:17,289 --> 01:21:20,589
Well, go and free him, straightaway!
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
1297
01:21:22,961 --> 01:21:28,843
Very well. I shall welease Bwian!
1298
01:21:32,429 --> 01:21:34,932
Get a move on, there! Or what?
1299
01:21:35,099 --> 01:21:36,351
Or you'll be in trouble!
1300
01:21:36,558 --> 01:21:40,938
Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give
up being crucified in the afternoons?
1301
01:21:41,105 --> 01:21:43,483
Shut up!
That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
1302
01:21:43,649 --> 01:21:45,617
I wouldn't have nothing to do!
1303
01:21:45,776 --> 01:21:47,198
Oh, thank you!
1304
01:21:50,322 --> 01:21:52,495
Are they gone?
1305
01:21:53,325 --> 01:21:57,626
We've got lumps of it
around the back.
1306
01:21:57,788 --> 01:21:58,835
What?
1307
01:21:58,997 --> 01:22:01,716
Don't worry about him, sir,
he's ma...
1308
01:22:06,797 --> 01:22:10,222
He's mad, sir. Have they gone?
1309
01:22:10,801 --> 01:22:14,851
Oh! Ju... N... N...
1310
01:22:15,013 --> 01:22:19,393
N... Nuh... Nuh... Nuh...
1311
01:22:19,601 --> 01:22:22,605
Oh, come on. Yes, sir.
1312
01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:27,159
Anyway, get on with the story.
Well, I never really liked them, so I...
1313
01:22:28,235 --> 01:22:30,988
Right! The motion to get on with it
passed with one abstention.
1314
01:22:31,155 --> 01:22:33,578
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a second?
1315
01:22:33,740 --> 01:22:35,913
Let's just go. Yeah.
1316
01:22:51,550 --> 01:22:56,226
Bloody Romans!
Watch it! Still a few crosses left!
1317
01:22:57,931 --> 01:23:00,559
Up you go, big nose!
1318
01:23:00,726 --> 01:23:02,399
I'll get you for this, you bastard!
1319
01:23:02,561 --> 01:23:06,031
Oh, yeah!
Don't worry. I never forget a face.
1320
01:23:06,190 --> 01:23:07,737
No? I warn you.
1321
01:23:07,900 --> 01:23:11,200
I'm gonna punch you so hard,
you Roman git!
1322
01:23:11,361 --> 01:23:13,534
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
1323
01:23:13,697 --> 01:23:17,747
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan!
1324
01:23:17,910 --> 01:23:20,880
A Samaritan? This is supposed
to be a Jewish section!
1325
01:23:21,038 --> 01:23:24,759
It doesn't matter! You're all
gonna die in a day or two!
1326
01:23:24,917 --> 01:23:28,387
It may not matter to you, but it
matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
1327
01:23:28,545 --> 01:23:29,762
Oh, rather!
1328
01:23:29,922 --> 01:23:31,970
Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy,
1329
01:23:32,216 --> 01:23:35,220
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
1330
01:23:35,385 --> 01:23:37,558
CRUCIFIED MAN #1:
Pharisees separate from Sadducees!
1331
01:23:37,721 --> 01:23:39,815
CRUCIFIED MAN #2:
And Swedish separate from Welsh!
1332
01:23:41,391 --> 01:23:44,941
All right, all right, all right!
We'll soon settle this!
1333
01:23:45,103 --> 01:23:48,482
Hands up, all those who
don't want to be crucified here!
1334
01:23:48,690 --> 01:23:50,613
[ STRAINING AND GRUNTING ]
1335
01:23:50,776 --> 01:23:52,619
Right! Next!
1336
01:23:52,778 --> 01:23:55,907
Look, it's not my cross. What?!
1337
01:23:56,073 --> 01:23:58,326
It's not my cross,
I was holding it for someone.
1338
01:23:58,492 --> 01:24:00,540
Just lie down,
I haven't got all day!
1339
01:24:00,702 --> 01:24:03,080
Of course.
Look, I hate to make a fuss...
1340
01:24:03,247 --> 01:24:06,342
Look, we've had a busy day,
and there's 140 of you lot to get up.
1341
01:24:06,500 --> 01:24:08,969
Is he Jewish?
Will you be quiet?!
1342
01:24:09,127 --> 01:24:11,300
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.
1343
01:24:11,463 --> 01:24:12,680
Belt up!
1344
01:24:12,839 --> 01:24:14,887
Will you let me down
if he comes back?
1345
01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:16,472
Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down.
1346
01:24:16,635 --> 01:24:18,262
Next! You don't have to do this!
1347
01:24:18,428 --> 01:24:22,524
You don't have to take orders!
I like orders.
1348
01:24:44,329 --> 01:24:47,128
See? Not so bad once you're up.
1349
01:24:48,041 --> 01:24:51,966
You're being rescued then, are you?
It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
1350
01:24:52,129 --> 01:24:54,052
No, we've got a couple
of days up here.
1351
01:24:54,256 --> 01:24:56,350
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
1352
01:24:56,508 --> 01:24:57,976
Oh?
1353
01:24:58,135 --> 01:24:59,728
Oh, yeah. My brother
usually rescues me.
1354
01:24:59,886 --> 01:25:02,730
If he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
1355
01:25:02,889 --> 01:25:05,733
Randy little bugger. Up and
down like the Assyrian Empire.
1356
01:25:05,892 --> 01:25:07,018
[ LAUGHS ]
1357
01:25:11,815 --> 01:25:14,193
Hello. Your family arrived then?
1358
01:25:14,359 --> 01:25:15,406
Reg!
1359
01:25:15,569 --> 01:25:18,869
Hello, sibling Brian.
Thank God you've come, Reg.
1360
01:25:19,031 --> 01:25:23,537
I think I should point out in fairness
that we are not the rescue committee.
1361
01:25:23,702 --> 01:25:26,706
However, I have been asked to
read this prepared statement
1362
01:25:26,872 --> 01:25:28,545
on behalf of the movement.
1363
01:25:28,707 --> 01:25:32,007
"We, the People's Front of Judea,
brackets, officials, end brackets,"
1364
01:25:32,169 --> 01:25:36,675
do hereby convey our sincere fraternal
and sisterly greetings to you, Brian,
1365
01:25:36,840 --> 01:25:39,343
"on this, the occasion
of your martyrdom."
1366
01:25:39,509 --> 01:25:40,726
What?
1367
01:25:40,886 --> 01:25:43,890
"Your death will stand as a landmark
in the continuing struggle to liberate"
1368
01:25:44,056 --> 01:25:47,560
the parent land from the hands
of the Roman imperialist aggressors,
1369
01:25:47,726 --> 01:25:50,946
excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing,
1370
01:25:51,104 --> 01:25:55,575
education. And any other Romans
contributing to the welfare of Jews
1371
01:25:55,734 --> 01:25:58,237
"of both sexes
and hermaphrodites."
1372
01:25:58,403 --> 01:26:01,373
Signed, "On behalf of the PFJ,
et cetera."
1373
01:26:01,531 --> 01:26:04,626
And I'd just like to add, on
a personal note, my own admiration
1374
01:26:04,826 --> 01:26:10,208
for what you're doing for us and what must
be, after all, for you, a difficult time.
1375
01:26:10,374 --> 01:26:14,754
Reg! What are you going to do?
Goodbye, Brian. And thanks.
1376
01:26:16,630 --> 01:26:18,632
All right, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.
1377
01:26:18,840 --> 01:26:21,263
Terrific work, Brian.
1378
01:26:23,762 --> 01:26:26,390
[ CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY ]
1379
01:26:26,556 --> 01:26:28,558
Right. And:
1380
01:26:28,725 --> 01:26:30,773
♪ TOGETHER: ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
1381
01:26:30,936 --> 01:26:35,942
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
1382
01:26:36,108 --> 01:26:38,110
♪ And so say all of us ♪
1383
01:26:38,276 --> 01:26:40,950
♪ And so say all of... N' ♪
1384
01:26:44,074 --> 01:26:47,248
You bastards! You bastards!
1385
01:26:47,411 --> 01:26:50,506
Where is Brian of Nazareth?
BRIAN: You sanctimonious bastards!
1386
01:26:50,664 --> 01:26:54,635
I have an order for his release.
You stupid bastards!
1387
01:26:54,793 --> 01:26:56,795
I'm Brian of Nazareth. What?
1388
01:26:56,962 --> 01:26:58,680
I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Take him down!
1389
01:26:58,880 --> 01:27:00,598
I'm Brian of Nazareth!
1390
01:27:01,174 --> 01:27:03,802
I'm Brian! I'm Brian!
1391
01:27:03,969 --> 01:27:05,846
Look, look, I'm Brian!
1392
01:27:06,012 --> 01:27:09,141
I'm Brian!
I'm Brian and so is my wife!
1393
01:27:09,307 --> 01:27:12,026
ALL: I'm Brian!
1394
01:27:12,185 --> 01:27:13,653
Right! Take him away
and release him!
1395
01:27:13,812 --> 01:27:16,816
No, I'm only joking.
I'm not really Brian.
1396
01:27:16,982 --> 01:27:20,156
No, I'm not Brian! I was only...
It was a joke.
1397
01:27:20,318 --> 01:27:22,946
I'm only pulling your leg!
It's a joke!
1398
01:27:23,113 --> 01:27:25,491
I'm not him,
I'm just having you on!
1399
01:27:25,657 --> 01:27:29,412
Put me back!
Bloody Romans, can't take a joke.
1400
01:27:31,663 --> 01:27:33,791
[ TRUMPETS SOUNDING ]
1401
01:27:39,337 --> 01:27:41,135
The Judean People's Front!
1402
01:27:42,174 --> 01:27:44,518
CENTURION:
The Judean People's Front!
1403
01:27:44,676 --> 01:27:48,522
Forward, all!
1404
01:27:51,683 --> 01:27:53,902
ASSISTANT #2: Look out! The
Judean People's Front!
1405
01:27:54,060 --> 01:27:56,859
ASSISTANT #3:
The Judean People's Front!
1406
01:27:57,022 --> 01:27:59,650
ASSISTANT #4:
The Judean People's Front!
1407
01:28:03,695 --> 01:28:08,872
We are the Judean People's Front,
crack suicide squad.
1408
01:28:09,034 --> 01:28:13,380
Suicide squad, attack!
1409
01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:24,884
That showed them, huh?
1410
01:28:25,717 --> 01:28:28,220
You silly sods!
1411
01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:30,104
JUDITH: Brian!
1412
01:28:30,263 --> 01:28:33,938
Brian! Brian! Brian!
1413
01:28:34,100 --> 01:28:36,194
Judith!
1414
01:28:36,353 --> 01:28:42,110
Terrific! Great! Reg explained it to me,
and I think it's great what you're doing.
1415
01:28:42,275 --> 01:28:46,746
Thank you, Brian.
I'll never forget you.
1416
01:28:55,038 --> 01:28:57,757
So there you are!
1417
01:28:57,916 --> 01:29:00,135
I might have known
it would end up like this.
1418
01:29:00,293 --> 01:29:04,298
Just think of all the love
and affection I've wasted on you!
1419
01:29:04,506 --> 01:29:07,225
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor, old mother
1420
01:29:07,384 --> 01:29:10,763
in the autumn years of her life,
all I can say is:
1421
01:29:10,929 --> 01:29:14,979
Go ahead. Be crucified.
See if I care.
1422
01:29:15,141 --> 01:29:20,238
I might have known. Mum! Mum!
1423
01:29:20,397 --> 01:29:22,570
I don't know what
the world is coming to.
1424
01:29:27,821 --> 01:29:29,414
CRUCIFIED MAN #3:
Cheer up, Brian!
1425
01:29:29,573 --> 01:29:31,792
You know what they say?
1426
01:29:31,950 --> 01:29:34,749
Some things in life are bad.
1427
01:29:34,911 --> 01:29:37,505
They can really make you mad.
1428
01:29:37,664 --> 01:29:41,589
Other things just make
you swear and curse.
1429
01:29:41,793 --> 01:29:44,137
♪ When you're chewing ♪
♪ On life's gristle ♪
1430
01:29:44,296 --> 01:29:47,766
♪ Don't grumble Give a whistle ♪
1431
01:29:47,924 --> 01:29:52,304
♪ And this'll help things ♪
♪ Turn out for the best ♪
1432
01:29:52,470 --> 01:29:54,143
♪ And ♪
1433
01:29:54,306 --> 01:29:58,982
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1434
01:29:59,144 --> 01:30:02,523
[ WHISTLING ]
1435
01:30:02,689 --> 01:30:07,286
♪ Always look on ♪
♪ The light side of life ♪
1436
01:30:07,444 --> 01:30:09,822
[ WHISTLING ]
1437
01:30:09,988 --> 01:30:12,036
♪ If life seems jolly rotten ♪
1438
01:30:12,198 --> 01:30:13,996
♪ There's something ♪
♪ You've forgotten ♪
1439
01:30:14,159 --> 01:30:17,880
♪ And that's to laugh and smile ♪
♪ And dance and sing ♪
1440
01:30:18,079 --> 01:30:19,877
♪ When you're feeling ♪
♪ In the dumps ♪
1441
01:30:20,081 --> 01:30:22,300
♪ Don't be silly chumps ♪
1442
01:30:22,459 --> 01:30:25,508
♪ Just purse your lips and whistle ♪
♪ That's the thing ♪
1443
01:30:25,670 --> 01:30:30,801
♪ And always look on ♪
♪ The bright side of life ♪
1444
01:30:30,967 --> 01:30:32,139
[ WHISTLING ]
1445
01:30:32,302 --> 01:30:34,179
Come on! [ OTHERS WHISTLING ]
1446
01:30:34,512 --> 01:30:39,018
♪ ALL: Always look on ♪
♪ The right side of life ♪
1447
01:30:39,184 --> 01:30:42,188
[ ALL WHISTLING ]
1448
01:30:42,354 --> 01:30:44,152
♪ For life is quite absurd ♪
1449
01:30:44,314 --> 01:30:46,032
♪ And death's the final word ♪
1450
01:30:46,191 --> 01:30:49,991
♪ You must always face ♪
♪ The curtain with a bow ♪
1451
01:30:50,153 --> 01:30:52,030
♪ Forget about your sin ♪
1452
01:30:52,197 --> 01:30:54,245
♪ Give the audience a grin ♪
1453
01:30:54,407 --> 01:30:57,536
♪ ALL: Enjoy it It's your ♪
♪ last chance anyhow J“ ♪
1454
01:30:57,702 --> 01:31:03,380
♪ So always look on ♪
♪ The bright side of death ♪
1455
01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:06,511
[ WHISTLING ]
1456
01:31:06,670 --> 01:31:11,392
♪ Just before ♪
♪ You draw your terminal breath ♪
1457
01:31:11,549 --> 01:31:14,393
[ WHISTLING ]
1458
01:31:14,552 --> 01:31:16,395
♪ Life's a piece of shit ♪
1459
01:31:16,554 --> 01:31:18,352
♪ When you look at it ♪
1460
01:31:18,515 --> 01:31:22,236
♪ Life's a laugh and death's a joke ♪
♪ It's true ♪
1461
01:31:22,394 --> 01:31:24,067
♪ You'll see it's all a show ♪
1462
01:31:24,229 --> 01:31:26,106
♪ Keep on laughing as you go ♪
1463
01:31:26,272 --> 01:31:29,947
♪ Just remember that ♪
♪ The last laugh is on you ♪
1464
01:31:30,151 --> 01:31:36,409
♪ ALL: And always look on ♪
♪ The bright side of life J“ ♪
1465
01:31:36,658 --> 01:31:38,581
[ WHISTLING ]
1466
01:31:38,743 --> 01:31:43,749
♪ Always look on ♪
♪ The right side of life ♪
1467
01:31:43,915 --> 01:31:46,634
Come on, Brian! Cheer up!
[ OTHERS WHISTLING ]
1468
01:31:46,793 --> 01:31:51,424
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1469
01:31:51,589 --> 01:31:54,468
[ WHISTLING ]
1470
01:31:54,676 --> 01:31:59,432
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1471
01:31:59,597 --> 01:32:02,567
CRUCIFIED MAN #3: Worse things
happen at sea, you know?
1472
01:32:02,726 --> 01:32:05,821
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1473
01:32:05,979 --> 01:32:08,448
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing,
1474
01:32:08,606 --> 01:32:10,608
you're going back to nothing,
what have you lost?
1475
01:32:10,775 --> 01:32:12,118
Nothing!
1476
01:32:12,277 --> 01:32:15,781
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1477
01:32:15,947 --> 01:32:18,621
Nothing will come from nothing,
you know what they say?
1478
01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:20,410
Cheer up, you old bugger!
1479
01:32:20,577 --> 01:32:23,126
Come on! Give us a grin!
There you are!
1480
01:32:23,288 --> 01:32:28,465
See? The end of the film. Incidentally,
this record is available in the foyer.
1481
01:32:29,210 --> 01:32:32,589
Some of us have got to live
as well, you know?
1482
01:32:32,756 --> 01:32:35,680
Who do you think pays
for all this rubbish?
1483
01:32:35,842 --> 01:32:38,470
They're not gonna make
their money back, you know.
1484
01:32:38,636 --> 01:32:40,434
I told them. I said to him.
1485
01:32:40,597 --> 01:32:42,474
"Bernie," I said, "they'll
never make their money back."
1486
01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:46,986
♪ Always look on ♪
♪ The bright side of life N' ♪
115217
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