Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,047 --> 00:00:14,347
And Now For Something Completely
Different - 1971 [H264-mp4] English.
2
00:00:15,948 --> 00:00:19,743
In this picture
there are 47 people.
3
00:00:19,744 --> 00:00:22,204
None of them can be seen.
4
00:00:22,205 --> 00:00:24,248
In this film,
we hope to show you...
5
00:00:24,249 --> 00:00:27,020
how not to be seen.
6
00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:31,839
This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw
of Napier Court...
7
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,094
Blackline Road, London, SE 14.
8
00:00:35,095 --> 00:00:37,262
He cannot be seen.
9
00:00:37,263 --> 00:00:39,349
Now I'm going to ask him
to stand up.
10
00:00:39,350 --> 00:00:42,939
Mr. Bradshaw,
will you stand up, please?
11
00:00:48,275 --> 00:00:51,862
This demonstrates
the value of not being seen.
12
00:00:51,863 --> 00:00:55,866
In this picture, we cannot see
Mrs. B. J. Smegma...
13
00:00:55,867 --> 00:00:58,661
of 13 The Crescent, Belmont.
14
00:00:58,662 --> 00:01:02,459
Mrs. Smegma,
will you stand up, please?
15
00:01:07,422 --> 00:01:11,801
This is Mr. Nesbitt
of Harlow. Newtown.
16
00:01:11,802 --> 00:01:15,240
Mr. Nesbitt,
will you stand up, please?
17
00:01:18,809 --> 00:01:22,772
Mr. Nesbitt has learned
the first lesson of not being seen:
18
00:01:22,773 --> 00:01:24,982
Not to stand up.
19
00:01:24,983 --> 00:01:29,653
However, he has chosen
a very obvious piece of cover.
20
00:01:31,366 --> 00:01:35,535
Mr. E. W. Lambert of Homely,
The Burrows. Oswald Street...
21
00:01:35,536 --> 00:01:37,664
has presented us with a poser.
22
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:40,708
We do not know
which bush he is behind.
23
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:43,325
But we can soon find out.
24
00:01:52,265 --> 00:01:55,854
Yes. It was the middle one.
25
00:01:55,892 --> 00:01:58,687
Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull...
26
00:01:58,688 --> 00:02:01,231
chose a very cunning way
of not being seen.
27
00:02:01,232 --> 00:02:05,361
When we called at their house, we found
they had gone on two weeks holiday.
28
00:02:05,362 --> 00:02:08,800
However, a neighbour told us
where they were.
29
00:02:10,576 --> 00:02:14,425
And here is the neighbour
who told us where they were.
30
00:02:17,418 --> 00:02:19,828
And here is where he lived.
31
00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:23,704
And this is where he was born.
32
00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:41,757
And now for something
completely different.
33
00:03:37,799 --> 00:03:40,343
Oh. Good evening.
34
00:03:40,344 --> 00:03:42,594
Ladies and gentlemen...
35
00:03:42,595 --> 00:03:47,395
we apologize that the feature was
not quite as long as we'd anticipated.
36
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:50,838
Therefore,
there will be a short interval.
37
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:59,948
In the meantime, we are pleased
to be able to show you a short film...
38
00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:03,541
starring a man
with a tape recorder up his nose.
39
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:40,034
And now... And now
a film starring a man...
40
00:04:40,035 --> 00:04:43,729
with a tape recorder
up his brother's nose.
41
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,302
And now in stereo.
42
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:34,053
Thank you.
That is the end of the interval.
43
00:05:34,054 --> 00:05:36,347
Will you kindly return
to your seats?
44
00:05:36,348 --> 00:05:40,556
We will now be proceeding
with the program as advertised.
45
00:05:44,107 --> 00:05:46,108
Darling, you were wonderful.
46
00:05:46,109 --> 00:05:48,653
Oh, really?
47
00:05:48,654 --> 00:05:53,454
In 1971 the British Empire
lay in ruins.
48
00:05:53,784 --> 00:05:57,704
Foreigners frequented the streets,
many of them Hungarians.
49
00:05:57,705 --> 00:06:00,082
Not the streets.
The foreign nationals.
50
00:06:00,083 --> 00:06:04,883
Anyway, many of these Hungarians went
into tobacconist's to buy cigarettes.
51
00:06:05,339 --> 00:06:08,365
There you are, sir. Thank you.
52
00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:15,000
Good morning, sir.
53
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:20,146
"I will not buy this record.
It is scratched."
54
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,273
I'm sorry?
55
00:06:22,274 --> 00:06:26,153
"I will not buy this record.
It is scratched."
56
00:06:26,154 --> 00:06:29,949
Oh, no, no, no.
This is a tobacconist's.
57
00:06:29,950 --> 00:06:31,796
Tobacconist's.
58
00:06:33,537 --> 00:06:37,082
"I will not buy this tobacconist's.
It is scratched."
59
00:06:37,083 --> 00:06:40,086
No. Tobacco. Um, cigarettes.
60
00:06:40,087 --> 00:06:41,830
Cigarettes?
61
00:06:45,676 --> 00:06:49,554
- "My hovercraft is full of eels."
- What?
62
00:06:49,555 --> 00:06:53,404
"My hovercraft is full of eels."
63
00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:57,587
- Ah, matches.
- Yeah! Matches.
64
00:06:58,648 --> 00:07:01,276
- "Do you want..."
- "Do you want."
65
00:07:01,277 --> 00:07:02,861
Want.
66
00:07:02,862 --> 00:07:07,662
"Do you want to come back to my place?
Bouncy, bouncy."
67
00:07:07,783 --> 00:07:09,868
That'll be
six shillings, please.
68
00:07:09,869 --> 00:07:14,669
"If I said you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?"
69
00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:17,461
"I am no longer infected."
70
00:07:17,462 --> 00:07:19,820
May I?
71
00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:23,726
Costs six shillings.
72
00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:34,158
Help!
73
00:07:49,289 --> 00:07:53,625
- What's all this. Then?
- "You have beautiful thighs."
74
00:07:53,626 --> 00:07:55,294
- What?
- He hit me.
75
00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:59,090
"Drop your panties, Sir Arthur.
I can not wait till lunchtime!"
76
00:07:59,091 --> 00:08:02,636
- Right!
- "Oh, my nipples explode with delight!"
77
00:08:02,637 --> 00:08:05,264
The Hungarian gentleman
was subsequently released...
78
00:08:05,265 --> 00:08:09,101
but his information led to the arrest
and trial of the real culprit.
79
00:08:09,102 --> 00:08:10,436
I am.
80
00:08:10,437 --> 00:08:13,523
You are hereby charged
that on the 28th day of May...
81
00:08:13,524 --> 00:08:16,360
you did will fully
and with malice aforethought...
82
00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:19,488
publish an alleged
English-Hungarian phrase book...
83
00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:22,617
with intent to cause
a breach of the peace.
84
00:08:22,618 --> 00:08:26,663
- How do you plead?
- Not guilty.
85
00:08:26,664 --> 00:08:28,999
Mr. York, on the 28th of May...
86
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,795
- you published this phrase book.
- I did.
87
00:08:32,796 --> 00:08:36,131
With Your Lordship's permission,
I would like to quote an example.
88
00:08:36,132 --> 00:08:40,932
The Hungarian phrase meaning, "Can you
direct me to the railway station?"...
89
00:08:41,055 --> 00:08:44,141
is here translated
by the English phrase...
90
00:08:44,142 --> 00:08:47,271
"Please fondle my buttocks."
91
00:08:50,482 --> 00:08:52,817
"Please fondle...
92
00:08:52,818 --> 00:08:55,111
my buttocks."
93
00:08:55,112 --> 00:08:57,113
Ah, yes.
It's past the post office...
94
00:08:57,114 --> 00:09:00,194
200 yards down
and then left at the light.
95
00:09:03,497 --> 00:09:07,549
Left at lights.
96
00:10:09,779 --> 00:10:11,906
Meanwhile, not far away...
97
00:10:11,907 --> 00:10:16,370
Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were
about to enter an unfamiliar office.
98
00:10:16,371 --> 00:10:18,216
Next.
99
00:10:41,648 --> 00:10:45,776
Oh. Are you the marriage
guidance counsellor?
100
00:10:45,777 --> 00:10:49,472
- Yes. Good morning.
- Morning.
101
00:10:51,493 --> 00:10:56,293
And... good morning
to you, madam.
102
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:02,628
- Name?
- Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey.
103
00:11:04,007 --> 00:11:08,807
And what is the name of your...
ravishing wife?
104
00:11:09,095 --> 00:11:11,513
Wait. Don't tell me.
105
00:11:11,514 --> 00:11:15,927
It's... It's something
to do with moonlight.
106
00:11:16,187 --> 00:11:18,605
Goes with her eyes.
107
00:11:18,606 --> 00:11:20,816
It's soft and gentle...
108
00:11:20,817 --> 00:11:23,319
warm and yielding.
109
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,321
Deeply lyrical, and yet...
110
00:11:25,322 --> 00:11:28,826
tender and frightened,
like a tiny, white rabbit.
111
00:11:28,827 --> 00:11:31,083
It's Dierdre.
112
00:11:34,124 --> 00:11:36,483
What a beautiful name.
113
00:11:38,004 --> 00:11:40,363
What a beautiful...
114
00:11:41,214 --> 00:11:43,626
beautiful name.
115
00:11:46,971 --> 00:11:50,224
And what seems to be the trouble
with your marriage, Mr. Putey?
116
00:11:50,225 --> 00:11:53,185
It started when we went
to Brighton on holiday together.
117
00:11:53,186 --> 00:11:56,230
Dierdre - that's my wife - and I,
we've always been close companions...
118
00:11:56,231 --> 00:11:59,318
and I never particularly
anticipated any marital strife.
119
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:02,029
The very idea of consulting
a professional marital adviser...
120
00:12:02,030 --> 00:12:04,115
has always been of
the greatest repugnance to me.
121
00:12:04,116 --> 00:12:08,703
Although, far be it from me
to impugn the nature of your trade or...
122
00:12:08,704 --> 00:12:11,064
or profession.
123
00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:16,712
- Do go on.
- We've always been close companions...
124
00:12:16,713 --> 00:12:20,549
sharing the interests,
the gardening, the holiday money.
125
00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:24,513
Twice a month of an evening, we settle
down to do the accounts together...
126
00:12:24,514 --> 00:12:28,225
something which Dierdre -
that's my wife -
127
00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:31,311
and I particularly look forward to
on account of her feet.
128
00:12:31,312 --> 00:12:35,275
I should have said at the start that
I noted for having a grand sense of humour.
129
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:39,445
Although I've kept myself very much
to myself over the last couple of years.
130
00:12:39,446 --> 00:12:43,241
It's only been as comparatively recently
as recently that I've begun to realize...
131
00:12:43,242 --> 00:12:45,953
Well, perhaps "realize"
is too strong a word.
132
00:12:45,954 --> 00:12:50,754
Uh, imagine that, uh,
I was not the only thing in her life.
133
00:12:51,294 --> 00:12:53,544
You suspected your wife?
134
00:12:53,545 --> 00:12:55,290
Well...
135
00:12:57,216 --> 00:12:59,843
frankly, yes.
136
00:12:59,844 --> 00:13:02,096
A bit.
137
00:13:02,097 --> 00:13:04,641
Her behaviour did seem to me...
138
00:13:04,642 --> 00:13:07,936
Her behaviour did seem to me.
Who was there to see...
139
00:13:07,937 --> 00:13:10,564
to be a little odd.
140
00:13:10,565 --> 00:13:12,233
- Odd?
- To an extent.
141
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:14,693
I'm not by nature
a suspicious person.
142
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:18,697
I've got a reputation of an after-dinner
speaker, if you get my meaning.
143
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:20,282
I certainly do.
144
00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:23,787
And in the area where people know me,
I'm very well known.
145
00:13:23,788 --> 00:13:26,457
- Fine. Would you...
- Certainly.
146
00:13:26,458 --> 00:13:29,543
It was time to face the facts,
stop beating about the bush...
147
00:13:29,544 --> 00:13:32,296
or I'd never be able to look myself
in the bathroom mirror again.
148
00:13:32,297 --> 00:13:36,635
Would you mind running along for 10...
make it 20 minutes. All right?
149
00:13:36,636 --> 00:13:39,715
Yes. I'll wait outside, shall I?
150
00:13:43,143 --> 00:13:46,813
Yes, that-that's perhaps
the best thing.
151
00:13:46,814 --> 00:13:51,614
Certainly set my mind at rest
on one or two scores there.
152
00:14:07,796 --> 00:14:10,053
Arthur Putey!
153
00:14:10,673 --> 00:14:14,511
Are you a man or a mouse?
154
00:14:14,512 --> 00:14:17,347
You've been running too long,
Arthur Putey.
155
00:14:17,348 --> 00:14:22,148
It's time to stop, time to turn
and fight like a man.
156
00:14:22,688 --> 00:14:25,356
Go back in there, Arthur Putey.
157
00:14:25,357 --> 00:14:29,694
Go back in there
and pull your finger out.
158
00:14:29,695 --> 00:14:32,697
Yes! Yes, you're right.
159
00:14:32,698 --> 00:14:35,617
This is it, Arthur Putey!
160
00:14:35,618 --> 00:14:38,997
This is your moment,
Arthur Putey!
161
00:14:38,998 --> 00:14:42,844
At last you're a man!
162
00:14:46,839 --> 00:14:49,216
Come out of there. Dierdre!
I know you're in there.
163
00:14:49,217 --> 00:14:52,449
- Go away!
- Righto.
164
00:15:19,459 --> 00:15:22,384
Oh, what a lovely little.
165
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:34,647
Oh, what a lovely little...
166
00:15:44,445 --> 00:15:48,157
- Oh, what a lovely little...
- Stop it! Stop right there!
167
00:15:48,158 --> 00:15:52,245
This is absolutely disgusting,
and I'm not going to stand for it!
168
00:15:52,246 --> 00:15:54,656
There. Kill.
169
00:16:52,773 --> 00:16:56,733
Cut! That's it. We're not going to allow
this sort of smut on the screen.
170
00:16:56,734 --> 00:16:59,945
This depraved and degrading spectacle
is going to stop right now.
171
00:16:59,946 --> 00:17:04,309
- Do you hear me? Stop it!
- Damn I Just when it was getting good.
172
00:17:11,042 --> 00:17:13,454
Evening, squire.
173
00:17:25,851 --> 00:17:27,543
You married?
174
00:17:28,354 --> 00:17:31,730
- Yes.
- I'm a bachelor myself.
175
00:17:31,731 --> 00:17:34,234
Is... Is your wife a goer?
176
00:17:34,235 --> 00:17:36,403
Eh? Know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge.
177
00:17:36,404 --> 00:17:38,906
- Know what I mean? Say no more.
- I beg your pardon?
178
00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:43,707
Your wife, does she go? Eh?
Know what I mean? Does she go?
179
00:17:43,746 --> 00:17:46,456
- She sometimes goes.
- I'll bet she does.
180
00:17:46,457 --> 00:17:49,418
Say no more.
Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.
181
00:17:49,419 --> 00:17:52,379
- I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
- Follow me.
182
00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:56,634
That's good. A nod's as good
as a wink to a blind bat.
183
00:17:56,635 --> 00:18:00,972
- Look, are you selling something?
- Selling. Selling. Very good.
184
00:18:00,973 --> 00:18:03,266
Know what I mean?
185
00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:06,603
Oh, wicked. You're wicked, eh?
Nudge, nudge.
186
00:18:06,604 --> 00:18:09,690
A nod's as good as a wink
to a blind bat.
187
00:18:09,691 --> 00:18:13,194
- But...
- Your wife a sport, eh?
188
00:18:13,195 --> 00:18:17,240
- She likes sport, yes.
- I bet she does.
189
00:18:17,241 --> 00:18:19,284
She's very fond of cricket.
190
00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:22,121
Who isn't, eh? Likes games.
191
00:18:22,122 --> 00:18:24,666
Knew she would. Who doesn't. Eh?
192
00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:26,751
She's been around a bit. Eh?
193
00:18:26,752 --> 00:18:28,836
She's travelled.
She's from Purley.
194
00:18:28,837 --> 00:18:32,121
Oh! Say no more.
195
00:18:34,093 --> 00:18:36,659
Know what I mean? Say no more.
196
00:18:38,765 --> 00:18:42,894
Your wife interested in,
uh, photography, eh?
197
00:18:42,895 --> 00:18:46,482
"Photographs, eh?"
he asked him knowingly.
198
00:18:46,483 --> 00:18:49,818
- Photography?
- Yeah. Snap. Grin. Wink. Nudge.
199
00:18:49,819 --> 00:18:53,405
- Holiday stamps?
- Could be taken on holiday. Could be.
200
00:18:53,406 --> 00:18:56,242
Swimming costumes. Nudge, nudge.
201
00:18:56,243 --> 00:18:59,996
- Candid photography.
- No. I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
202
00:18:59,997 --> 00:19:02,409
Oh. Still.
203
00:19:06,380 --> 00:19:09,202
Look, are you trying
to insinuate something?
204
00:19:11,678 --> 00:19:14,429
- Yes.
- Well?
205
00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:17,349
Well, I mean,
you're a man of the world, aren't ya?
206
00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:21,187
I mean, you know, you've, uh...
you've been around. You've been there.
207
00:19:21,188 --> 00:19:24,524
- What do you mean?
- Well, you know, you've...
208
00:19:24,525 --> 00:19:27,194
You've done it, uh, with a lady.
209
00:19:27,195 --> 00:19:30,785
- You've slept with a lady.
- Yes.
210
00:19:31,283 --> 00:19:32,924
What's it like?
211
00:19:33,660 --> 00:19:36,789
Well, I think it's overrated.
212
00:19:37,582 --> 00:19:39,993
Shut up, you!
213
00:19:41,376 --> 00:19:44,546
- Good evening, class!
- Good evening.
214
00:19:44,547 --> 00:19:47,133
- Where's all the others, then?
- They're not here.
215
00:19:47,134 --> 00:19:50,345
I can see that!
What's the matter with'em?
216
00:19:50,346 --> 00:19:52,473
- Don't know.
- Perhaps they've got flu.
217
00:19:52,474 --> 00:19:56,474
Flu! They should eat
more fresh fruit!
218
00:19:59,189 --> 00:20:02,275
Right! Now, self-defence!
219
00:20:02,276 --> 00:20:05,694
Tonight I shall be carrying on
from where we got to last week...
220
00:20:05,695 --> 00:20:10,242
when I was showing you how to
defend yourselves against anyone...
221
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:15,043
who attacks you armed
with a piece of fresh fruit.
222
00:20:15,666 --> 00:20:19,127
- You said we wouldn't do fruit again.
- What do you mean?
223
00:20:19,128 --> 00:20:21,587
We've done fresh fruit
for the last nine weeks.
224
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,384
What's wrong with fruit?
You think you know it all, eh?
225
00:20:25,385 --> 00:20:27,052
Can't we try something else?
226
00:20:27,053 --> 00:20:29,388
Like someone who attacks you
with a pointed stick.
227
00:20:29,389 --> 00:20:31,749
Pointed stick?
228
00:20:33,561 --> 00:20:38,274
We want to learn how to defend ourselves
against pointed sticks, do we?
229
00:20:38,275 --> 00:20:41,318
Getting all high and mighty, eh?
230
00:20:41,319 --> 00:20:44,911
Fresh fruit not
good enough for you, eh?
231
00:20:45,324 --> 00:20:47,992
Well, let me tell you
something, my lad!
232
00:20:47,993 --> 00:20:51,788
When you're walking home tonight
and some great homicidal maniac...
233
00:20:51,789 --> 00:20:56,589
comes after you with a bunch of
loganberries, don't come crying to me!
234
00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:01,341
Right!
And now the passion fruit.
235
00:21:01,342 --> 00:21:05,303
When your assailant lunges at you
with a passion fruit, like thus...
236
00:21:05,304 --> 00:21:08,223
- We done the passion fruit.
- What?
237
00:21:08,224 --> 00:21:12,561
- We've done the passion fruit.
- We done oranges, apples, grapefruit's...
238
00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:16,816
- Whole and segments.
- Greengages, pomegranates.
239
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,403
- Grapes, passion fruit.
- Lemons.
240
00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:23,365
- Plums.
- And mangoes in syrup.
241
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,160
- How about cherries?
- We done them.
242
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:28,932
- Red and black?
- Yes.
243
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,909
All right, then.
244
00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:37,506
Bananas. We haven't
done bananas, have we?
245
00:21:37,507 --> 00:21:39,843
- No.
- Right!
246
00:21:39,844 --> 00:21:44,138
How to defend yourself
against a man armed with a banana!
247
00:21:44,139 --> 00:21:48,939
Catch. Now, it's quite simple
to deal with a banana fiend.
248
00:21:49,270 --> 00:21:52,981
First of all, you force him
to drop the banana.
249
00:21:52,982 --> 00:21:56,819
Then you eat the banana,
thus disarming him.
250
00:21:56,820 --> 00:21:58,821
You have now
rendered him helpless!
251
00:21:58,822 --> 00:22:01,867
- Suppose he's got a bunch.
- Shut up.
252
00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:05,664
- Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
- Shut up!
253
00:22:06,039 --> 00:22:08,374
Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot.
254
00:22:08,375 --> 00:22:11,086
- Harrison.
- Sorry. Mr. Harrison.
255
00:22:11,087 --> 00:22:13,171
Come at me with that banana.
256
00:22:13,172 --> 00:22:17,884
Be as vicious as you like with it.
Come on. Attack me!
257
00:22:17,885 --> 00:22:20,637
No, no, no!
Put something into it, for God's...
258
00:22:20,638 --> 00:22:23,141
Hold the banana like that.
259
00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:25,685
That's better. Now scream.
260
00:22:25,686 --> 00:22:28,063
Good. Right. Now attack me.
261
00:22:28,064 --> 00:22:31,141
Come on, man, attack me!
262
00:22:34,696 --> 00:22:37,673
Next, I eat the banana.
263
00:22:40,328 --> 00:22:43,038
Now, I would just like
to point out...
264
00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:47,293
that this film is displaying
a distinct tendency to become silly.
265
00:22:47,294 --> 00:22:51,589
Now, nobody likes
a good laugh more than I do.
266
00:22:51,590 --> 00:22:55,676
Except, perhaps,
my wife and some of her friends.
267
00:22:55,677 --> 00:22:57,554
Oh, yes, and Captain John son.
268
00:22:57,555 --> 00:23:00,516
Come to think of it, most people
like a good laugh more than I do.
269
00:23:00,517 --> 00:23:05,062
But that's beside the point. I'm warning
this film not to get silly again.
270
00:23:05,063 --> 00:23:09,734
Right. Now, Director,
on the command "Cut"...
271
00:23:09,735 --> 00:23:12,112
cut to the next scene.
272
00:23:12,113 --> 00:23:15,282
- Director...
- This is a frightened city.
273
00:23:15,283 --> 00:23:17,952
Wait for it.
274
00:23:17,953 --> 00:23:20,454
Director, cut!
275
00:23:20,455 --> 00:23:23,125
This is a frightened city.
276
00:23:23,126 --> 00:23:27,296
Over these streets, over these houses,
hangs a pall of fear.
277
00:23:27,297 --> 00:23:31,863
An ugly kind of violence is rife,
stalking the town.
278
00:23:34,138 --> 00:23:38,938
Yes, gangs of old ladies
attacking fit, defenceless young men.
279
00:24:01,502 --> 00:24:04,171
They just come up to you
and push you, like.
280
00:24:04,172 --> 00:24:08,508
Shove you off the pavement. There's
usually about four or five of them.
281
00:24:08,509 --> 00:24:12,096
Yeah, sometimes
it's three or four of them.
282
00:24:12,097 --> 00:24:16,818
It's not even safe to go out
down to the shops any more.
283
00:24:17,102 --> 00:24:21,690
Grannies are no respecter
of race, creed or sex.
284
00:24:21,691 --> 00:24:24,317
Theirs is a harsh.
Ruthless world...
285
00:24:24,318 --> 00:24:29,118
a tough world, a world in which
the surgical stocking is king.
286
00:24:29,615 --> 00:24:32,493
But what are they in it for,
these senile delinquents...
287
00:24:32,494 --> 00:24:34,913
these layabouts in lace?
288
00:24:34,914 --> 00:24:38,208
- Oh, the violence.
- The prestige, mainly.
289
00:24:38,209 --> 00:24:41,629
- The free gifts.
- Poking the knee in the groin.
290
00:24:41,630 --> 00:24:44,048
We like pulling the heads
off sheep.
291
00:24:44,049 --> 00:24:47,010
And tea cakes.
292
00:24:47,011 --> 00:24:50,515
We have a lot of trouble with grannies.
Pension day is the worst.
293
00:24:50,516 --> 00:24:52,474
Soon as they get it,
they blow the lot...
294
00:24:52,475 --> 00:24:55,978
on milk, tea, sugar,
a tin of meat for their cat.
295
00:24:55,979 --> 00:24:59,023
The whole crux
of the problem, uh...
296
00:24:59,024 --> 00:25:02,069
lies in the basic
dissatisfaction...
297
00:25:02,070 --> 00:25:06,156
of these senile delinquents
with the world as they find it.
298
00:25:06,157 --> 00:25:09,576
They begin to question, uh,
the values of their society.
299
00:25:09,577 --> 00:25:11,913
They see their sons
and daughters growing up...
300
00:25:11,914 --> 00:25:16,252
to become accountants, uh,
solicitors, sociologists even.
301
00:25:16,253 --> 00:25:19,894
And they begin to wonder,
"Is it all worth it? Is it all..."
302
00:25:31,018 --> 00:25:35,818
Another prime target for vandalism
is telephone boxes.
303
00:25:37,777 --> 00:25:40,188
But mostly,
they just live for kicks.
304
00:25:53,293 --> 00:25:56,212
But there are other kinds
of violence abroad...
305
00:25:56,213 --> 00:25:58,757
other gangs, equally vicious,
equally determined...
306
00:25:58,758 --> 00:26:01,118
such as the baby snatchers.
307
00:26:04,806 --> 00:26:07,349
Hey What is this?
308
00:26:07,350 --> 00:26:09,602
Hey! Help!
309
00:26:09,603 --> 00:26:13,649
I left him outside for a few moments
while I got some Brillo Pads.
310
00:26:13,650 --> 00:26:17,443
When I came back, he was gone.
He was only 48!
311
00:26:17,444 --> 00:26:21,961
And also vicious gangs
of "Keep Left" signs.
312
00:26:27,123 --> 00:26:29,124
Right! Stop that!
313
00:26:29,125 --> 00:26:31,918
It's silly. Very silly, indeed.
314
00:26:31,919 --> 00:26:35,757
It started off as a nice little idea
about old ladies attacking young men...
315
00:26:35,758 --> 00:26:38,051
but now it's just got silly.
316
00:26:38,052 --> 00:26:40,179
His hair's too long
for a vicar too.
317
00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:44,850
And you can tell those are not proper "Keep
Left" signs. Clear off, the lot of you!
318
00:26:44,851 --> 00:26:47,211
You, come with me.
319
00:26:50,316 --> 00:26:55,116
Right. Now let's see something decent
and military: Some precision drilling.
320
00:26:55,321 --> 00:26:59,322
Squad! Camp it up!
321
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,744
Ooh, get her! Whoops!
322
00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:06,545
I've got your number, but you
couldn't afford me, dear, two, three.
323
00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:09,586
I'll scratch your eyes out.
324
00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:13,090
Don't come the bigger
dear bitch with us. Dear.
325
00:27:13,091 --> 00:27:17,511
We all know where you've been,
you military fairy, two, three.
326
00:27:17,512 --> 00:27:20,348
One, two, three, four,
five, six.
327
00:27:20,349 --> 00:27:22,851
Whoops! Don't look now, girls.
328
00:27:22,852 --> 00:27:26,355
The maid is just mince
in that jolly colour, Sergeant.
329
00:27:26,356 --> 00:27:28,921
Two, three. Ooh!
330
00:27:29,776 --> 00:27:32,403
Right! Stop that. Silly.
331
00:27:32,404 --> 00:27:36,663
And a bit suspect, I think.
Time for a cartoon.
332
00:27:37,285 --> 00:27:39,578
Once upon a time...
333
00:27:39,579 --> 00:27:42,331
there was an enchanted prince...
334
00:27:42,332 --> 00:27:45,924
who ruled the land
beyond the Wobbles.
335
00:27:47,379 --> 00:27:52,179
One day he discovered
a spot on his face.
336
00:27:53,302 --> 00:27:55,554
Foolishly, he ignored it.
337
00:27:55,555 --> 00:27:59,433
And three years later,
he died of cancer.
338
00:27:59,434 --> 00:28:01,436
The spot, however, flourished...
339
00:28:01,437 --> 00:28:05,079
and soon set out
to seek its fortune.
340
00:28:38,937 --> 00:28:42,190
Agnes, did you just see
who moved in next door?
341
00:28:42,191 --> 00:28:45,318
Yes. Black as the ace of spades,
they were.
342
00:28:45,319 --> 00:28:48,280
Oh, well,
there goes the neighbourhood.
343
00:28:48,281 --> 00:28:50,641
Oh, yes.
344
00:29:10,180 --> 00:29:12,592
Next, please.
345
00:29:15,061 --> 00:29:17,472
One at a time, please.
346
00:29:18,523 --> 00:29:21,037
There is only me, sir.
347
00:29:25,865 --> 00:29:29,251
So there is. Take a, um...
348
00:29:30,161 --> 00:29:33,204
- Seat?
- Seat. Take a seat.
349
00:29:33,205 --> 00:29:37,875
So, you want to join
my mountaineering expedition, do you?
350
00:29:38,630 --> 00:29:41,380
Who, me, sir?
351
00:29:41,381 --> 00:29:45,487
- Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
- Jolly good.
352
00:29:45,762 --> 00:29:48,173
And how about you?
353
00:29:49,016 --> 00:29:52,402
There is only me, sir.
354
00:29:57,441 --> 00:30:01,112
Well, bang goes
his application then.
355
00:30:01,113 --> 00:30:04,240
Now, let me fill you in.
I'm leading this expedition...
356
00:30:04,241 --> 00:30:08,452
and we're going to climb
both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
357
00:30:08,453 --> 00:30:11,892
I thought there was
only one peak, sir.
358
00:30:23,429 --> 00:30:27,224
Well. That I save a bit of time.
Well done.
359
00:30:27,225 --> 00:30:30,144
Now, the object of
this year's expedition...
360
00:30:30,145 --> 00:30:33,773
is to see if we can find any trace
of last year's expedition.
361
00:30:33,774 --> 00:30:36,735
- Last year's expedition?
- Yes. My brother was leading that.
362
00:30:36,736 --> 00:30:40,943
They were going to build a bridge
between the two peaks.
363
00:30:45,746 --> 00:30:47,789
My idea, I'm afraid.
364
00:30:47,790 --> 00:30:51,043
I ought to tell you that I have almost
everyone I need for this expedition.
365
00:30:51,044 --> 00:30:53,920
But what special qualifications
do you have?
366
00:30:53,921 --> 00:30:56,590
- Well, sir...
- Yes, you first.
367
00:30:56,591 --> 00:30:58,926
- There is only me, sir.
- I wasn't talking to you.
368
00:30:58,927 --> 00:31:03,727
- Carry on.
- I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
369
00:31:04,891 --> 00:31:07,253
Mountaineer?
370
00:31:12,109 --> 00:31:14,986
Mouse. Moun...
371
00:31:14,987 --> 00:31:19,657
Mountaineer: Two men skilled
at climbing a mountain.
372
00:31:19,658 --> 00:31:22,328
By Jove, that'd be useful.
373
00:31:22,329 --> 00:31:25,664
Well, you're in.
Congratulations.
374
00:31:25,665 --> 00:31:28,542
Both of you.
Now, what are your names?
375
00:31:28,543 --> 00:31:30,954
Arthur Wilson.
376
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:34,341
Well, look.
377
00:31:34,342 --> 00:31:37,720
I'll call you Arthur Wilson One
and you Arthur Wilson Two...
378
00:31:37,721 --> 00:31:39,722
just to avoid confusion.
379
00:31:39,723 --> 00:31:42,016
Are you actually leading
this expedition?
380
00:31:42,017 --> 00:31:44,852
Yes, we are leading
this expedition to Africa.
381
00:31:44,853 --> 00:31:48,357
- What routes will you both be following?
- Good questions.
382
00:31:48,358 --> 00:31:52,194
We'll be leaving on one or other
of the January the 22...
383
00:31:52,195 --> 00:31:54,488
and taking the following routes:
384
00:31:54,489 --> 00:31:57,032
From Manchester's,
down through Oxfords...
385
00:31:57,033 --> 00:32:00,078
taking the M1.5
through London's to Purleys...
386
00:32:00,079 --> 00:32:03,207
then the A25s
from Purleys to Dover's.
387
00:32:03,208 --> 00:32:06,042
Thence Africans to Nairobis.
388
00:32:06,043 --> 00:32:10,715
We take the south roads out of Nairobis
for about 12 miles and then ask.
389
00:32:10,716 --> 00:32:13,927
- Does anyone speak Swahili?
- Most of them do down there.
390
00:32:13,928 --> 00:32:16,888
No. Does anyone in our party
speak Swahili, sir?
391
00:32:16,889 --> 00:32:19,808
- Well, Matron's got a smattering.
- Apart from the two Matrons.
392
00:32:19,809 --> 00:32:22,269
Good Lord. I forgot about her.
393
00:32:22,270 --> 00:32:24,939
Apart from them, who else
is coming on our expedition?
394
00:32:24,940 --> 00:32:28,234
Well, we've got
the Arthur Brown twins...
395
00:32:28,235 --> 00:32:31,863
two botanists called Madchen,
the William Johnston brothers...
396
00:32:31,864 --> 00:32:34,909
- Two of them.
- Four. Pair of identical twins.
397
00:32:34,910 --> 00:32:38,398
Two of the Harry Baker quads
and you two.
398
00:32:38,455 --> 00:32:41,791
- And none of these are mountaineers?
- Well, you two are.
399
00:32:41,792 --> 00:32:44,586
And we've got a brace of guides
called Jimmy Blankensoft...
400
00:32:44,587 --> 00:32:47,965
because Kilimanjaro
is a pretty tricky climb.
401
00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:51,177
Most of it's up,
till we reach the very top...
402
00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:53,845
and then it tends
to slope away rather sharply.
403
00:32:53,846 --> 00:32:58,311
But Jimmy's put his heads together
and worked out a way up. Jimmy
404
00:32:59,145 --> 00:33:02,439
Jimmy Blankensoft, Arthur Wilson.
Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blankensoft.
405
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,107
Jimmy Blankensoft Two,
Arthur Wilson Two.
406
00:33:04,108 --> 00:33:06,444
Arthur Wilson Two,
Jimmy Blankensoft One.
407
00:33:06,445 --> 00:33:09,865
- Carry on, Jimmy.
- Don't worry about the...
408
00:33:09,866 --> 00:33:12,636
We'll get him up, all right.
409
00:33:18,458 --> 00:33:23,258
Well, I'd better describe the route.
We start off simply up Kilimanjaro...
410
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:28,468
Quite simple.
No problem there, basically.
411
00:33:28,469 --> 00:33:32,932
And then we go on to
the main face itself of Kilimanjaro.
412
00:33:32,933 --> 00:33:35,910
It's a bit difficult
here because...
413
00:33:39,815 --> 00:33:42,317
There's a difficult bit 'round here
when you've got to go...
414
00:33:42,318 --> 00:33:45,822
from the end of the mantel-piece
onto the coffee table.
415
00:33:45,823 --> 00:33:48,991
It's a bit of a difficult jump.
We don't need those.
416
00:33:48,992 --> 00:33:52,745
Then you've got the rail up here,
which is quite a good fortune.
417
00:33:52,746 --> 00:33:57,000
There's a terribly easy bit
over the floor up onto the chair.
418
00:33:57,001 --> 00:33:59,567
And then we've got...
419
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:03,456
We get down.
We go quite simplistic.
420
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:09,848
He'll be leading
the first assault.
421
00:34:09,849 --> 00:34:12,560
I'm afraid I shan't be coming
on your expedition, sir...
422
00:34:12,561 --> 00:34:17,361
'cause I have absolutely no confidence
in anyone involved in it!
423
00:34:19,193 --> 00:34:21,039
Oh. Dear.
424
00:34:22,489 --> 00:34:24,907
- What about you?
- I'm game, sir.
425
00:34:24,908 --> 00:34:27,320
Jolly good.
426
00:34:29,454 --> 00:34:30,941
Good Lord!
427
00:34:58,404 --> 00:35:00,530
And now for something
completely different.
428
00:35:00,531 --> 00:35:02,741
- Inspector!
- Yes, sir?
429
00:35:02,742 --> 00:35:05,410
I was sitting on a park bench
and I put my coat down.
430
00:35:05,411 --> 00:35:09,748
When I picked it up, I found my wallet
had gone and Ј15 had been stolen.
431
00:35:09,749 --> 00:35:14,112
- Did you see anyone?
- No, no one at all.
432
00:35:15,423 --> 00:35:18,809
Well, there's very little
we can do about that, sir.
433
00:35:27,770 --> 00:35:30,847
Do you want to come back
to my place?
434
00:35:34,694 --> 00:35:37,156
Yeah, all right.
435
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:17,282
And so Miss Spume
returned to her typing...
436
00:36:17,283 --> 00:36:19,492
and dreamed
her little dreamy dreams...
437
00:36:19,493 --> 00:36:23,706
unaware of the cruel trick
fate had in store for her.
438
00:36:23,707 --> 00:36:26,251
For Miss Spume was
about to fall victim...
439
00:36:26,252 --> 00:36:30,672
of the dreaded international
Chinese communist conspiracy.
440
00:36:30,673 --> 00:36:33,008
Yes, these fanatical fiends...
441
00:36:33,009 --> 00:36:36,805
under the leadership
of the so-called Mao Tse-tung...
442
00:36:36,806 --> 00:36:41,606
had caught Miss Spume off guard
for one brief but fatal moment...
443
00:36:43,729 --> 00:36:46,142
and destroyed her...
444
00:36:46,900 --> 00:36:50,444
just as they are ready to go
any time free men anywhere...
445
00:36:50,445 --> 00:36:53,883
waver in their defence
of democracy.
446
00:37:02,751 --> 00:37:05,252
Once again, American defence...
447
00:37:05,253 --> 00:37:08,506
proves its effectiveness
against international communism.
448
00:37:08,507 --> 00:37:11,886
Using this diagram of a tooth
to represent any small country...
449
00:37:11,887 --> 00:37:14,388
we can see how
international communism works...
450
00:37:14,389 --> 00:37:17,518
by eroding away from within.
451
00:37:21,898 --> 00:37:23,899
When one country, or tooth...
452
00:37:23,900 --> 00:37:28,700
falls victim to international communism,
its neighbours soon follow.
453
00:37:28,738 --> 00:37:32,367
In dentistry, this is known
as the domino theory.
454
00:37:32,368 --> 00:37:37,081
But with American defence,
the decay is stopped before it starts.
455
00:37:37,082 --> 00:37:41,882
That's why nine out of ten
small countries choose American defence.
456
00:37:42,044 --> 00:37:46,423
Or Crelm toothpaste
with the miracle ingredient Frauduline.
457
00:37:46,424 --> 00:37:49,094
The white car represents
Crelm toothpaste...
458
00:37:49,095 --> 00:37:51,263
with the miracle ingredient
Frauduline.
459
00:37:51,264 --> 00:37:55,317
The not-white car represents
another toothpaste.
460
00:37:57,103 --> 00:38:00,285
Both cars provide 30% protection.
461
00:38:01,567 --> 00:38:05,107
At 60% protection,
both cars are doing well.
462
00:38:06,113 --> 00:38:08,699
At 90% protection... Wait.
463
00:38:08,700 --> 00:38:10,534
The not-white car is out...
464
00:38:10,535 --> 00:38:14,456
and Crelm toothpaste goes on
to win with 100% protection.
465
00:38:14,457 --> 00:38:17,249
Yes. Do like all smart motorists.
466
00:38:17,250 --> 00:38:19,461
Choose Crelm toothpaste!
467
00:38:19,462 --> 00:38:24,008
Or Shrill petrol,
with the new additive GLC-9424075...
468
00:38:24,009 --> 00:38:26,469
after 6:00 p.m., 9424047.
469
00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:29,222
Using this white card
to represent engine deposits...
470
00:38:29,223 --> 00:38:34,023
and this black card to represent
Shrill's new additive, GLC-9424075...
471
00:38:34,229 --> 00:38:36,814
after 6:00 p.m., 9424047...
472
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:40,150
we can see how the engine deposits
are pushed off the face of the earth...
473
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:42,922
by the superior forces
available to Sh...
474
00:38:48,494 --> 00:38:50,329
This is the police.
475
00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:53,456
We know you're in there,
so come out with your hands up.
476
00:38:53,457 --> 00:38:55,876
You'll never take me alive
copper!
477
00:38:55,877 --> 00:38:59,007
All right, then. Sergeant!
478
00:39:17,193 --> 00:39:21,401
Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth.
479
00:40:08,250 --> 00:40:13,005
Thank you, thank you,
Conrad Poohs and His Exploding Teeth.
480
00:40:13,006 --> 00:40:16,717
A smile, two fangs
and an "Excuse me".
481
00:40:16,718 --> 00:40:19,428
And next tonight,
gentlemen and ladies...
482
00:40:19,429 --> 00:40:22,933
here at the Peep-hole Club
for the very first time...
483
00:40:22,934 --> 00:40:24,935
we're very proud to welcome...
484
00:40:24,936 --> 00:40:29,736
Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice.
485
00:40:37,117 --> 00:40:39,243
Thank you, thank you.
486
00:40:39,244 --> 00:40:42,996
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have in this box...
487
00:40:42,997 --> 00:40:45,541
23 white mice...
488
00:40:45,542 --> 00:40:49,045
mice which I have
painstakingly trained...
489
00:40:49,046 --> 00:40:51,047
over the past few years...
490
00:40:51,048 --> 00:40:54,845
to squeak at a selected pitch.
491
00:40:55,303 --> 00:40:57,304
This one is "A" -Sharp...
492
00:40:57,305 --> 00:41:00,016
and this one is "G".
493
00:41:00,017 --> 00:41:03,936
"G", "A"-Sharp.
You get the general idea.
494
00:41:03,937 --> 00:41:08,150
Now, these mice are so arranged
upon this rack...
495
00:41:08,151 --> 00:41:11,486
that when played
in the correct order...
496
00:41:11,487 --> 00:41:13,323
they will squeak...
497
00:41:13,324 --> 00:41:16,366
"Three Blinded White Mice."
498
00:41:16,367 --> 00:41:19,829
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you, on the mouse organ...
499
00:41:19,830 --> 00:41:22,457
"Three Blinded White Mice."
500
00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:24,563
Thank you.
501
00:41:27,214 --> 00:41:30,549
- Oh, my God!
- Somebody stop him.
502
00:41:53,409 --> 00:41:55,821
Ten seconds, studio.
503
00:41:57,414 --> 00:42:00,544
Stop him! Stop that bastard!
504
00:42:03,587 --> 00:42:07,758
Hello, and welcome to another
edition of It's the Arts.
505
00:42:07,759 --> 00:42:12,096
And we kick off this evening
with a look at the cinema.
506
00:42:12,097 --> 00:42:16,559
One of the most prolific film directors
of this age, or indeed, of any age...
507
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:20,356
is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country
for the first time in five years...
508
00:42:20,357 --> 00:42:24,360
to open a season of his films
at the National Film Theatre.
509
00:42:24,361 --> 00:42:28,113
And we are indeed fortunate to have him
with us in the studio this evening.
510
00:42:28,114 --> 00:42:30,283
- Good evening.
- Edward...
511
00:42:30,284 --> 00:42:32,786
- You don't mind if I call you Edward?
- Not at all.
512
00:42:32,787 --> 00:42:35,247
It does seem to worry some people.
I'm not sure why.
513
00:42:35,248 --> 00:42:38,918
Some are sensitive, so I do take the
precaution of asking on these occasions.
514
00:42:38,919 --> 00:42:42,547
- No, that's fine.
- So Edward it is. Splendid.
515
00:42:42,548 --> 00:42:45,759
- I'm sorry to have brought it up.
- No. Edward it is.
516
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,554
Thank you very much
for being so helpful.
517
00:42:48,555 --> 00:42:52,558
- At times it's more than my job's worth.
- Quite.
518
00:42:52,559 --> 00:42:56,521
Makes it hard to establish a rapport,
to put the other person at his ease.
519
00:42:56,522 --> 00:42:58,523
- Quite.
- Quite.
520
00:42:58,524 --> 00:43:01,277
Silly little point,
but it does seem to matter.
521
00:43:01,278 --> 00:43:05,864
Still less said the better.
Ted, when you first went in the film...
522
00:43:05,865 --> 00:43:08,618
You don't mind if I call you Ted,
as opposed to Edward?
523
00:43:08,619 --> 00:43:10,786
- No. Everyone calls me Ted.
- Splendid.
524
00:43:10,787 --> 00:43:13,707
- Because it's much shorter, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.
525
00:43:13,708 --> 00:43:17,127
- Much less formal.
- Ted, Edward, anything.
526
00:43:17,128 --> 00:43:19,671
Splendid.
Incidentally, do call me Tom.
527
00:43:19,672 --> 00:43:23,316
I don't want you bothering with
any of this "Thomas" nonsense.
528
00:43:25,596 --> 00:43:28,306
Fine. Where were we?
Eddie baby, when you first...
529
00:43:28,307 --> 00:43:32,311
I'm sorry. I don't like
being called Eddie baby.
530
00:43:32,312 --> 00:43:35,815
- I beg your pardon?
- I don't like being called Eddie baby.
531
00:43:35,816 --> 00:43:38,330
Now get on with your interview.
532
00:43:39,028 --> 00:43:42,531
- Did I call you Eddie baby?
- Yes, you did.
533
00:43:42,532 --> 00:43:45,701
I don't think I did.
Did I call him Eddie baby?
534
00:43:45,702 --> 00:43:48,454
Yes, you did!
535
00:43:48,455 --> 00:43:50,874
I didn't call you Eddie baby,
did I, sweetie?
536
00:43:50,875 --> 00:43:53,418
- Don't call me sweetie.
- Can I call you sugar plum?
537
00:43:53,419 --> 00:43:55,003
- No!
- Pussy-cat?
538
00:43:55,004 --> 00:43:57,380
- No!
- Angel drawers?
539
00:43:57,381 --> 00:43:59,758
No, you may not.
540
00:43:59,759 --> 00:44:02,479
- Now get on with it.
- Can I call you Frank?
541
00:44:03,930 --> 00:44:06,932
- Why Frank?
- Frank's a nice name.
542
00:44:06,933 --> 00:44:09,853
President Nixon's got
a hedgehog called Frank.
543
00:44:09,854 --> 00:44:13,524
- What is going on?
- Frank. Frankie. Fran. Frannie.
544
00:44:13,525 --> 00:44:16,985
- Little Frannie Boo.
- That's it. I'm leaving.
545
00:44:16,986 --> 00:44:19,739
Had enough of this.
I've never been so insulted.
546
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:22,951
- Tell us about your film, Sir Edward.
- What?
547
00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:27,122
Tell us about your latest film,
Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind.
548
00:44:27,123 --> 00:44:30,918
- None of this pussy-cat nonsense?
- Promise.
549
00:44:30,919 --> 00:44:33,330
Please. Sir Edward.
550
00:44:34,257 --> 00:44:36,668
- My latest film?
- Yes, Sir Edward.
551
00:44:37,885 --> 00:44:42,685
I first had the idea, funnily enough,
when I joined the industry in 1919.
552
00:44:43,057 --> 00:44:45,727
Of course, in those days
I was only a tea boy...
553
00:44:45,728 --> 00:44:47,645
Oh, shut up.
554
00:44:47,646 --> 00:44:50,367
- There he is!
- Get him.
555
00:45:00,786 --> 00:45:03,704
Stop him!
556
00:45:03,705 --> 00:45:05,874
He's a murderer!
557
00:45:05,875 --> 00:45:08,752
Come back, you fiend! Fiend!
558
00:45:08,753 --> 00:45:11,165
He's a murderer!
559
00:46:33,682 --> 00:46:36,863
"The room is full of milkmen..."
560
00:46:37,353 --> 00:46:41,199
some of whom are...
561
00:46:41,398 --> 00:46:46,067
"are very old."
562
00:46:50,367 --> 00:46:52,952
This man is Ernest Scribbler...
563
00:46:52,953 --> 00:46:55,371
manufacturer of jokes.
564
00:46:55,372 --> 00:46:59,418
In a few moments he will think
of the funniest joke in the world...
565
00:46:59,419 --> 00:47:04,219
and as a result
he will die laughing.
566
00:47:45,971 --> 00:47:49,056
It was obvious
the joke was lethal.
567
00:47:49,057 --> 00:47:51,642
No one could read it and live.
568
00:47:51,643 --> 00:47:55,063
Scribbler's mother, alarmed by
the unusual sounds of merriment...
569
00:47:55,064 --> 00:47:59,318
entered the room and found
what was, apparently...
570
00:47:59,319 --> 00:48:01,731
a suicide note.
571
00:48:30,395 --> 00:48:32,438
The war against the Hun
continues...
572
00:48:32,439 --> 00:48:34,983
and as Britain's brave boys
battle against the Bosch...
573
00:48:34,984 --> 00:48:38,279
their leaders are on the lookout for
new breakthroughs that could provide...
574
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:41,870
the ultimate weapon
in the war against the Hun.
575
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:47,289
Here, in this little house in Pinchley,
they think maybe they've found it.
576
00:48:47,290 --> 00:48:52,090
It's a joke so deadly, it could have
Fritz's forces falling about.
577
00:49:05,517 --> 00:49:07,686
Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm...
578
00:49:07,687 --> 00:49:12,487
the joke's devastating effectiveness
at a range of up to 50 yards.
579
00:49:41,391 --> 00:49:45,034
Fantastic!
580
00:49:45,354 --> 00:49:48,149
All through the winter of '43...
581
00:49:48,150 --> 00:49:51,776
we had translators working
in joke-proof conditions...
582
00:49:51,777 --> 00:49:55,990
to try and manufacture
a German version of the joke.
583
00:49:55,991 --> 00:49:59,495
They worked on one word each
for greater safety.
584
00:49:59,496 --> 00:50:04,082
One of them saw two words by mistake and
had to spend several weeks in hospital.
585
00:50:04,083 --> 00:50:06,960
But apart from that,
things went ahead pretty fast.
586
00:50:06,961 --> 00:50:09,589
And by January
we had the joke in a form...
587
00:50:09,590 --> 00:50:13,594
which our troops couldn't understand,
but which the Germans could.
588
00:50:13,595 --> 00:50:16,596
So on July the 8th, 1944...
589
00:50:16,597 --> 00:50:18,933
the joke was first told
to the enemy...
590
00:50:18,934 --> 00:50:21,345
in the Ardennes.
591
00:50:22,312 --> 00:50:26,059
Squad, tell the joke!
592
00:50:51,928 --> 00:50:54,801
In action, it was deadly.
593
00:51:31,056 --> 00:51:33,622
The German casualties
were appalling.
594
00:51:43,194 --> 00:51:46,448
It was a fantastic success
over 80,000 times as powerful...
595
00:51:46,449 --> 00:51:49,367
as Britain's great pre-war joke,
which was used at Munich...
596
00:51:49,368 --> 00:51:51,780
and one which Hitler
couldn't match.
597
00:52:00,714 --> 00:52:04,217
I would like to apologize
for the rather poor taste...
598
00:52:04,218 --> 00:52:06,577
of the previous item.
599
00:52:07,555 --> 00:52:10,171
And excuse me, please.
600
00:52:45,222 --> 00:52:47,582
Fleet Street, please.
601
00:52:48,226 --> 00:52:50,227
All right, everybody,
stay close.
602
00:52:50,228 --> 00:52:52,395
Don't lag behind.
Keep together, everybody.
603
00:52:52,396 --> 00:52:55,681
Remember. Watch out
for the killer cars.
604
00:52:59,530 --> 00:53:01,448
Yes, the killer cars.
605
00:53:01,449 --> 00:53:06,249
For years the city had been plagued by
ever-increasing pedestrian congestion.
606
00:53:06,537 --> 00:53:08,790
In an attempt to eliminate
this problem...
607
00:53:08,791 --> 00:53:11,125
certain fanatical cars,..
608
00:53:11,126 --> 00:53:14,770
Had taken the law
into their own hands.
609
00:53:17,508 --> 00:53:20,010
But the days of the killer cars
were numbered...
610
00:53:20,011 --> 00:53:24,218
thanks to the miracle
of atomic mutation.
611
00:53:39,533 --> 00:53:42,493
Thank you!
You've saved our city!
612
00:53:42,494 --> 00:53:44,856
But at what cost?
613
00:53:49,920 --> 00:53:53,505
Just then as it looked for certain,
that the city was about to be eaten...
614
00:53:53,506 --> 00:53:57,765
the earth trembled and the sun
was blotted out from the sky.
615
00:53:58,387 --> 00:54:01,140
Suddenly, swarms of giant
bees filled the air...
616
00:54:01,141 --> 00:54:05,394
and 300 million armoured horsemen covered
with coats of 1,000 different colours...
617
00:54:05,395 --> 00:54:08,397
appeared at every street corner
attacking the monster cat...
618
00:54:08,398 --> 00:54:10,776
in a scene of such
spectacular proportions...
619
00:54:10,777 --> 00:54:14,571
that it could never in your life be seen
in a low-budget film like this.
620
00:54:14,572 --> 00:54:16,907
If you'd notice,
my mouth isn't moving either.
621
00:54:16,908 --> 00:54:20,369
But just as the monster cat
was starting to weaken...
622
00:54:20,370 --> 00:54:23,602
the earth split apart
with a deafening roar and...
623
00:55:11,010 --> 00:55:14,192
Hello. I wish
to register a complaint.
624
00:55:15,014 --> 00:55:18,761
- Hello. Miss?
- What do you mean, "miss"?
625
00:55:19,436 --> 00:55:23,747
Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold.
I wish to make a complaint.
626
00:55:24,568 --> 00:55:26,776
Sorry. We're closing for lunch.
627
00:55:26,777 --> 00:55:30,114
Never mind that, my lad.
I wish to complain about this parrot...
628
00:55:30,115 --> 00:55:33,452
what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.
629
00:55:33,453 --> 00:55:36,705
Oh, yes, the Norwegian blue.
What's wrong with it?
630
00:55:36,706 --> 00:55:38,957
I'll tell you what's
wrong with it, my lad.
631
00:55:38,958 --> 00:55:41,793
It's dead.
That's what's wrong with it.
632
00:55:41,794 --> 00:55:44,672
No, it's resting. Look.
633
00:55:44,673 --> 00:55:49,303
Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when
I see one and I'm looking at one now.
634
00:55:49,304 --> 00:55:51,721
No, that's not dead,
it's resting.
635
00:55:51,722 --> 00:55:54,099
- Resting?
- Yeah, resting.
636
00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:57,144
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian blue,
isn't it? Beautiful plumage.
637
00:55:57,145 --> 00:56:01,316
The plumage don't enter into it.
It's still dead.
638
00:56:01,317 --> 00:56:03,779
No, it's resting.
639
00:56:04,654 --> 00:56:08,449
All right, then.
If it's resting, I'll wake it up.
640
00:56:08,450 --> 00:56:10,400
Hello, Polly!
641
00:56:11,662 --> 00:56:16,462
I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for
you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot!
642
00:56:16,500 --> 00:56:19,503
- There, he moved.
- No, that was you pushing the cage.
643
00:56:19,504 --> 00:56:21,839
- I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
644
00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:24,302
Hello, Polly!
645
00:56:26,220 --> 00:56:28,630
Wakey, wakey!
646
00:56:29,890 --> 00:56:32,517
Rise and shine.
647
00:56:32,518 --> 00:56:35,957
This is your 9:00 alarm call.
648
00:56:40,319 --> 00:56:42,678
That's what I call
a dead parrot.
649
00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:45,866
- No, he's stunned.
- Stunned?
650
00:56:45,867 --> 00:56:48,368
Yeah, you stunned him
just as he was wakin' up.
651
00:56:48,369 --> 00:56:51,747
- Norwegian blues stun easily.
- I've had enough of this.
652
00:56:51,748 --> 00:56:55,919
That parrot is definitely deceased,
and when I bought it a half hour ago...
653
00:56:55,920 --> 00:56:58,671
you assured me that
its total lack of movement...
654
00:56:58,672 --> 00:57:03,343
was due to it being tired
and shagged out after a long squall.
655
00:57:03,344 --> 00:57:06,834
Well, he's pining
for the fjords.
656
00:57:09,726 --> 00:57:14,231
Pinin' for the fjords?
What kind of talk is that?
657
00:57:14,232 --> 00:57:17,776
Look, why did it fall flat on its back
the minute I got it home?
658
00:57:17,777 --> 00:57:21,781
Well, the Norwegian blue prefers
keeping on its back. Beautiful plumage.
659
00:57:21,782 --> 00:57:26,036
Look, I took the liberty of examining
that parrot and I discovered...
660
00:57:26,037 --> 00:57:29,831
the only reason it had been sitting
on its perch in the first place...
661
00:57:29,832 --> 00:57:33,043
was that it had been
nailed there.
662
00:57:33,044 --> 00:57:35,045
Oh, well, of course
it was nailed there.
663
00:57:35,046 --> 00:57:39,592
If I hadn't nailed it there, it would
have muscled up to those bars and boom.
664
00:57:39,593 --> 00:57:41,544
Look here mate.
665
00:57:42,305 --> 00:57:46,809
This parrot wouldn't boom
if you put 4,000 volts through it.
666
00:57:46,810 --> 00:57:49,581
It's bleeding demised.
667
00:57:50,272 --> 00:57:52,273
No, it's pining.
668
00:57:52,274 --> 00:57:57,074
It's not pining, it's passed on.
669
00:57:57,280 --> 00:57:59,740
This parrot is no more.
670
00:57:59,741 --> 00:58:02,160
It has ceased to be.
671
00:58:02,161 --> 00:58:05,704
It's expired and
gone to see its maker.
672
00:58:05,705 --> 00:58:09,400
This is a late parrot!
673
00:58:09,710 --> 00:58:11,461
It's a stiff.
674
00:58:11,462 --> 00:58:14,548
Bereft of life.
It rests in peace.
675
00:58:14,549 --> 00:58:18,636
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
it would be pushing up the daisies.
676
00:58:18,637 --> 00:58:22,391
It's run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible.
677
00:58:22,392 --> 00:58:27,192
This is an ex-parrot.
678
00:58:30,150 --> 00:58:32,484
Well. I'd better
replace it then.
679
00:58:32,485 --> 00:58:35,322
If you want to get anything done in
this country you've got to complain...
680
00:58:35,323 --> 00:58:37,657
till you're blue in the mouth.
681
00:58:37,658 --> 00:58:39,910
Sorry, squire.
We're right out of parrots.
682
00:58:39,911 --> 00:58:42,424
I see. I get the picture.
683
00:58:43,707 --> 00:58:48,324
- I've got a slug.
- Does it talk?
684
00:58:49,005 --> 00:58:51,005
Not really.
685
00:58:51,006 --> 00:58:54,803
Well, it's scarcely
a replacement then, is it?
686
00:58:56,846 --> 00:59:00,809
Listen. I didn't want
to work in a pet shop.
687
00:59:00,810 --> 00:59:03,681
I wanted to be a lumberjack.
688
00:59:05,856 --> 00:59:07,857
Sorry. This is irrelevant.
689
00:59:07,858 --> 00:59:07,858
Yes, a lumberjack!
690
00:59:07,859 --> 00:59:10,486
Yes, a lumberjack!
691
00:59:10,487 --> 00:59:15,199
Leaping from trees as they float down
the mighty rivers of British Columbia.
692
00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:17,702
The giant redwood!
693
00:59:17,703 --> 00:59:19,871
The larch!
694
00:59:19,872 --> 00:59:23,500
The fir! The mighty Scotch pine!
695
00:59:23,501 --> 00:59:25,503
What about my bloody parrot?
696
00:59:25,504 --> 00:59:28,547
The smell of fresh-cut timber!
697
00:59:28,548 --> 00:59:31,467
The crash of mighty trees.
698
00:59:31,468 --> 00:59:36,268
With my best girl
by my side, we'd sing!
699
00:59:40,479 --> 00:59:43,105
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
700
00:59:43,106 --> 00:59:45,859
I sleep all night
and I work all day.
701
00:59:45,860 --> 00:59:48,278
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
702
00:59:48,279 --> 00:59:50,864
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
703
00:59:50,865 --> 00:59:53,450
I cut down trees I eat my lunch
704
00:59:53,451 --> 00:59:55,954
I go to the lavatory.
705
00:59:55,955 --> 00:59:58,414
On Wednesday I go shopping.
706
00:59:58,415 --> 01:00:00,918
And have buttered scones for tea.
707
01:00:00,919 --> 01:00:03,962
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch.
708
01:00:03,963 --> 01:00:06,382
He goes to the lavatory.
709
01:00:06,383 --> 01:00:08,842
On Wednesday he goes shopping.
710
01:00:08,843 --> 01:00:11,805
And has buttered scones for tea.
711
01:00:11,806 --> 01:00:14,348
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
712
01:00:14,349 --> 01:00:16,935
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
713
01:00:16,936 --> 01:00:19,729
I cut down trees I skip and jump
714
01:00:19,730 --> 01:00:22,316
I like to press wild flowers
715
01:00:22,317 --> 01:00:24,944
I put on women's clothing.
716
01:00:24,945 --> 01:00:27,697
And hang around in bars.
717
01:00:27,698 --> 01:00:30,450
He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps.
718
01:00:30,451 --> 01:00:32,828
He likes to press wild flowers.
719
01:00:32,829 --> 01:00:35,414
He puts on women's clothing.
720
01:00:35,415 --> 01:00:38,334
And hangs around in bars.
721
01:00:38,335 --> 01:00:40,878
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
722
01:00:40,879 --> 01:00:43,506
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
723
01:00:43,507 --> 01:00:46,344
I cut down trees
I wear high heels.
724
01:00:46,345 --> 01:00:48,804
Suspenders and a bra
725
01:00:48,805 --> 01:00:51,474
I wish I'd been a girlie.
726
01:00:51,475 --> 01:00:54,310
Just like my dear papa
727
01:00:54,311 --> 01:00:57,231
- I cut down trees, I wear high heels.
- He cuts down trees.
728
01:00:57,232 --> 01:00:59,983
Suspenders and a bra
729
01:00:59,984 --> 01:01:02,319
I wish I'd been a girlie.
730
01:01:02,320 --> 01:01:05,614
Just like my dear papa.
731
01:01:05,615 --> 01:01:07,534
Oh, Brevers!
732
01:01:07,535 --> 01:01:11,331
And I thought you were so butch.
733
01:01:12,207 --> 01:01:14,362
Oh, you pansy!
734
01:01:24,137 --> 01:01:26,906
And now for something
completely different.
735
01:01:34,523 --> 01:01:36,691
Hello, darling.
Sorry I'm so late.
736
01:01:36,692 --> 01:01:39,027
That's all right, darling.
I'm 20 minutes late myself.
737
01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:42,363
- Let's not start worrying about that.
- It's nice here, isn't it?
738
01:01:42,364 --> 01:01:45,034
Yes. A very good restaurant.
Five stars, you know?
739
01:01:45,035 --> 01:01:47,119
- Really?
- Oh, yes. Terrific reputation.
740
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:50,123
Good evening, madame.
Good evening, sir.
741
01:01:50,124 --> 01:01:53,125
May I say what a pleasure it is
to see you here again, sir?
742
01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:57,381
Thank you. Apparently,
the boeuf en croute is fantastic.
743
01:01:57,382 --> 01:02:00,093
If I may recommend, sir,
the faisan a la reine.
744
01:02:00,094 --> 01:02:03,178
The sauce is one of the chef's
most famous creations.
745
01:02:03,179 --> 01:02:05,557
- Mmm, that sounds very good.
- Sounds lovely.
746
01:02:05,558 --> 01:02:08,226
Anyway, darling,
have a look at the menu.
747
01:02:08,227 --> 01:02:10,563
See what you want.
Take your time.
748
01:02:10,564 --> 01:02:14,400
By the way, I've got a bit of a dirty
fork. Could you get me another one?
749
01:02:14,401 --> 01:02:18,487
- I beg your pardon?
- It's dirty. Could I get another fork?
750
01:02:18,488 --> 01:02:22,242
- Sir, I do apologize.
- No need to apologize. Doesn't worry me.
751
01:02:22,243 --> 01:02:24,746
No. I do apologize, sir.
752
01:02:24,747 --> 01:02:27,497
I will fetch the head-waiter
immediatement.
753
01:02:27,498 --> 01:02:29,959
No, please. No need to do that.
754
01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:32,545
Oh no.
I feel sure the head-waiter...
755
01:02:32,546 --> 01:02:35,924
he will want to apologize
to you himself, personally.
756
01:02:35,925 --> 01:02:40,725
I cannot think how this has happened.
I will fetch him at once.
757
01:02:40,764 --> 01:02:43,766
Well, you certainly
get good service here, don't you?
758
01:02:43,767 --> 01:02:46,102
Yes, they really
look after you here.
759
01:02:46,103 --> 01:02:49,489
This all looks delicious.
760
01:02:50,191 --> 01:02:54,152
Excuse me, sir, madame.
761
01:02:54,153 --> 01:02:56,614
This is filthy.
Who the hell washes up?
762
01:02:56,615 --> 01:02:59,617
Find out who washes up and give
them their cards immediately.
763
01:02:59,618 --> 01:03:02,411
No! On second thought,
we can't take any chances.
764
01:03:02,412 --> 01:03:06,375
- Sack the entire washing-up staff.
- I don't want to cause any trouble.
765
01:03:06,376 --> 01:03:10,588
It's quite right that you bring
this sort of thing to our attention.
766
01:03:10,589 --> 01:03:14,299
Find the manager and tell him
what has happened immediately!
767
01:03:14,300 --> 01:03:17,470
- Please, I don't want to make any fuss.
- Oh, no, there's no fuss.
768
01:03:17,471 --> 01:03:19,973
We simply wish to ensure
that nothing interferes...
769
01:03:19,974 --> 01:03:22,226
with your complete
enjoyment of the meal.
770
01:03:22,227 --> 01:03:25,730
I'm sure it won't.
It was only a dirty fork.
771
01:03:25,731 --> 01:03:30,484
I know, and I'm sorry.
Bitterly sorry.
772
01:03:30,485 --> 01:03:35,073
But I know nothing I can say can alter
the fact that in this restaurant...
773
01:03:35,074 --> 01:03:39,828
you have been given a dirty,
filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.
774
01:03:39,829 --> 01:03:42,332
- It wasn't smelly.
- It is smelly.
775
01:03:42,333 --> 01:03:44,834
And obscene and disgusting.
I hate it.
776
01:03:44,835 --> 01:03:49,094
- That's enough, Gilberto.
- Dirty, nasty, smutty!
777
01:03:50,050 --> 01:03:52,510
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madame.
778
01:03:52,511 --> 01:03:56,389
I'm the manager.
I've only just heard what's happened.
779
01:03:56,390 --> 01:03:59,674
- May I sit down?
- Yes, of course.
780
01:04:01,688 --> 01:04:06,275
I want to apologize
humbly, deeply and sincerely...
781
01:04:06,276 --> 01:04:08,278
about the fork.
782
01:04:08,279 --> 01:04:12,073
No. Really, it was only a tiny piece
of dirt. You can hardly see it.
783
01:04:12,074 --> 01:04:16,874
Oh, you're good, kind,
fine people for saying that.
784
01:04:17,162 --> 01:04:21,292
But I can see it.
To me it's like a boulder...
785
01:04:21,293 --> 01:04:24,013
a vast bowl of pus.
786
01:04:24,380 --> 01:04:29,180
- Oh, it's not that bad.
- No, it gets me here.
787
01:04:29,469 --> 01:04:32,554
I can't give you any excuses.
There are no excuses.
788
01:04:32,555 --> 01:04:35,475
I've been meaning to spend
more time in the restaurant...
789
01:04:35,476 --> 01:04:40,276
but I haven't been well recently and
things have been going badly back there.
790
01:04:40,606 --> 01:04:43,233
Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple
who prepares the salad...
791
01:04:43,234 --> 01:04:46,070
can hardly move
her poor, swollen fingers.
792
01:04:46,071 --> 01:04:49,574
And then, of course,
there's Gilberto's war wound.
793
01:04:49,575 --> 01:04:52,660
But they're good people,
and they're fine people...
794
01:04:52,661 --> 01:04:56,248
and together we were beginning
to get over this bad patch.
795
01:04:56,249 --> 01:04:59,085
There was light
at the end of the tunnel...
796
01:04:59,086 --> 01:05:01,838
when this...
797
01:05:01,839 --> 01:05:05,341
when this happened!
798
01:05:05,342 --> 01:05:10,142
- Can I get you some water?
- It's the end of the road!
799
01:05:11,850 --> 01:05:14,601
You bastards!
800
01:05:14,602 --> 01:05:16,228
You mean us?
801
01:05:16,229 --> 01:05:20,540
You vicious, heartless bastards!
802
01:05:21,444 --> 01:05:23,611
Look what you've done to him.
803
01:05:23,612 --> 01:05:27,908
He's worked his fingers to the bone
to make this place what it is!
804
01:05:27,909 --> 01:05:31,370
And you come in here
with your petty...
805
01:05:31,371 --> 01:05:34,625
vicious, heartless quibbling...
806
01:05:34,626 --> 01:05:39,037
and you grind him into the dirt.
807
01:05:40,715 --> 01:05:44,009
This fine, honourable man...
808
01:05:44,010 --> 01:05:48,810
whose boots you
are not worthy to kiss!
809
01:05:50,518 --> 01:05:54,930
Oh, it makes me mad.
810
01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:05,157
Easy, Mongo! Easy.
811
01:06:05,158 --> 01:06:08,537
Stark, stirring mad.
812
01:06:08,538 --> 01:06:11,374
No, Mongo! Oh! Oh, the wound!
813
01:06:11,375 --> 01:06:14,001
They destroyed him!
814
01:06:14,002 --> 01:06:18,260
It's the end! The end.
815
01:06:19,175 --> 01:06:21,594
He's dead.
816
01:06:21,595 --> 01:06:23,596
They killed him!
817
01:06:23,597 --> 01:06:26,008
Revenge.
818
01:06:27,684 --> 01:06:30,853
No, Mongo!
Never kill a customer.
819
01:06:30,854 --> 01:06:33,565
Oh, the wound again.
820
01:06:33,566 --> 01:06:36,593
They ruined him!
821
01:06:41,867 --> 01:06:45,459
Lucky I didn't tell'em
about the dirty knife.
822
01:07:25,416 --> 01:07:27,583
Good morning. I'm a bank robber.
823
01:07:27,584 --> 01:07:30,587
Please don't panic.
Just hand over all the money.
824
01:07:30,588 --> 01:07:33,924
This is a lingerie shop, sir.
825
01:07:38,096 --> 01:07:40,046
Fine, fine.
826
01:07:43,603 --> 01:07:46,373
Adopt, adapt and improve.
827
01:07:47,941 --> 01:07:50,609
- Well, what have you got?
- We've got corsets, stockings...
828
01:07:50,610 --> 01:07:53,738
suspender belts, tights, bras,
slips, petticoats, knickers...
829
01:07:53,739 --> 01:07:55,949
socks and garters, sir.
830
01:07:55,950 --> 01:07:57,900
Fine.
831
01:08:00,706 --> 01:08:03,081
No large quantities
of money in safes?
832
01:08:03,082 --> 01:08:05,626
No, sir.
833
01:08:05,627 --> 01:08:09,131
No piles of cash
in easy-to-carry bags?
834
01:08:09,132 --> 01:08:11,508
No, sir.
835
01:08:11,509 --> 01:08:13,459
Fine.
836
01:08:23,481 --> 01:08:25,841
Just a pair of panties then,
please.
837
01:08:35,328 --> 01:08:37,944
And now for something
completely different.
838
01:08:42,627 --> 01:08:45,552
Hey, did you see that?
839
01:08:47,299 --> 01:08:50,760
Did you see something
go past the window?
840
01:08:50,761 --> 01:08:51,761
What?
841
01:08:51,762 --> 01:08:55,763
Somebody went past
that window, downwards.
842
01:09:00,021 --> 01:09:02,228
Another one.
843
01:09:03,984 --> 01:09:06,857
Another one just went past,
downwards.
844
01:09:07,613 --> 01:09:08,822
What?
845
01:09:08,823 --> 01:09:11,851
Two people have just fallen
past that window!
846
01:09:12,494 --> 01:09:14,494
Fine.
847
01:09:14,495 --> 01:09:19,295
Look, two people... three people
have just fallen past that window.
848
01:09:22,047 --> 01:09:24,298
Must be a board meeting.
849
01:09:24,299 --> 01:09:26,759
Oh, yeah.
850
01:09:26,760 --> 01:09:30,930
- That was Wilkins of finance.
- No, that was Robertson.
851
01:09:30,931 --> 01:09:34,369
- Wilkins.
- It was Robertson.
852
01:09:36,563 --> 01:09:39,564
- That was Wilkins.
- Oh, yeah.
853
01:09:39,565 --> 01:09:41,734
Bet Parkinson next.
854
01:09:41,735 --> 01:09:45,223
- Bet you it won't.
- How much?
855
01:09:45,781 --> 01:09:49,909
- What?
- How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?
856
01:09:49,910 --> 01:09:53,122
- Yeah, all right.
- Right. Done. You're on.
857
01:09:53,123 --> 01:09:55,636
Parkinson next.
858
01:09:57,920 --> 01:10:00,714
- Come on, Parky!
- Don't be silly, Parky!
859
01:10:00,715 --> 01:10:03,425
- Come on, Parky! Jump!
- Don't be stupid, man!
860
01:10:03,426 --> 01:10:07,053
Dear Sir, I would like to complain
about that last scene...
861
01:10:07,054 --> 01:10:09,473
about people falling
out of high buildings.
862
01:10:09,474 --> 01:10:12,853
I myself have worked all
my life in such a building...
863
01:10:12,854 --> 01:10:16,752
and have never once...
864
01:11:25,226 --> 01:11:28,252
Psst. All clear.
865
01:11:36,864 --> 01:11:41,430
Vocational guidance counsellor.
866
01:11:51,547 --> 01:11:55,592
Ah, Mr. Anchovy. Do sit down.
867
01:11:55,593 --> 01:11:58,679
Oh, thank you. Take the weight
off the feet, eh?
868
01:11:58,680 --> 01:12:00,765
Yes.
869
01:12:00,766 --> 01:12:03,225
Lovely weather
for the time of year, I must say.
870
01:12:03,226 --> 01:12:06,730
Enough of this gay banter. Mr. Anchovy,
you asked us to advise you...
871
01:12:06,731 --> 01:12:09,482
which job in life
you were best suited for.
872
01:12:09,483 --> 01:12:11,902
- That is correct.
- Well. I have the results here...
873
01:12:11,903 --> 01:12:14,863
of all the interviews and the aptitude
tests that you took last week...
874
01:12:14,864 --> 01:12:19,327
and from them we've built up clear
impression of the person you are...
875
01:12:19,328 --> 01:12:22,414
and I think I can say
without fear of contradiction...
876
01:12:22,415 --> 01:12:25,442
that the ideal job for you
is accountancy.
877
01:12:25,959 --> 01:12:27,544
But I am an accountant.
878
01:12:27,545 --> 01:12:30,714
Jolly good. Well, back
to the office with you then.
879
01:12:30,715 --> 01:12:32,717
No, no, you don't understand.
880
01:12:32,718 --> 01:12:35,220
I've been an accountant
for the last 20 years.
881
01:12:35,221 --> 01:12:38,348
But I want a new job, something
exciting that will let me live.
882
01:12:38,349 --> 01:12:40,767
But accountancy
is quite exciting.
883
01:12:40,768 --> 01:12:43,938
Exciting? No, it's not.
884
01:12:43,939 --> 01:12:46,649
It's dull, dull, dull!
885
01:12:46,650 --> 01:12:49,111
My God, it's dull.
886
01:12:49,112 --> 01:12:52,197
It's so deadly dull
and tedious...
887
01:12:52,198 --> 01:12:56,243
and stuffy and boring
and desperately dull!
888
01:12:56,244 --> 01:12:59,205
I can't stand it any longer.
I want to live.
889
01:12:59,206 --> 01:13:02,667
Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but,
you see, in your report here...
890
01:13:02,668 --> 01:13:06,926
it says that you are
an extremely dull person.
891
01:13:07,466 --> 01:13:09,800
Our experts describe you as...
892
01:13:09,801 --> 01:13:12,804
"an appallingly dull fellow",
"unimaginative"...
893
01:13:12,805 --> 01:13:16,432
"timid, spineless,"
"easily dominated"...
894
01:13:16,433 --> 01:13:19,311
"no sense of humour",
"tedious company"...
895
01:13:19,312 --> 01:13:21,646
and "irrepressibly
drab and awful".
896
01:13:21,647 --> 01:13:24,859
And where as in most professions
these would be considerable drawbacks...
897
01:13:24,860 --> 01:13:27,194
in accountancy
they are a positive boon.
898
01:13:27,195 --> 01:13:30,990
I'm only as awful as this
because accountancy does this to people.
899
01:13:30,991 --> 01:13:33,661
Can't you help me?
900
01:13:33,662 --> 01:13:35,829
Any idea of what you want to be?
901
01:13:35,830 --> 01:13:38,666
- Yes. Yes, I have.
- What is it?
902
01:13:38,667 --> 01:13:41,693
A lion tamer.
903
01:13:43,339 --> 01:13:46,466
Yes. Of course,
it's a bit of a jump, isn't it...
904
01:13:46,467 --> 01:13:49,053
accountancy to lion taming
in one go?
905
01:13:49,054 --> 01:13:53,265
Don't think it'd be better to work your
way towards lion taming via banking?
906
01:13:53,266 --> 01:13:55,643
- Or insurance?
- No! I don't want to wait.
907
01:13:55,644 --> 01:13:58,062
I want to start immediately.
Tomorrow morning at 9:00...
908
01:13:58,063 --> 01:14:00,357
I want to be in there, taming.
909
01:14:00,358 --> 01:14:03,776
Yes, but what qualifications
do you have?
910
01:14:03,777 --> 01:14:06,530
- I've got a hat.
- A hat?
911
01:14:06,531 --> 01:14:09,534
Yes, a lion taming hat, a hat
with "Lion Tamer" written on it...
912
01:14:09,535 --> 01:14:12,871
and it lights up, saying "Lion Tamer"
in big red neon letters...
913
01:14:12,872 --> 01:14:14,956
so you can tame them after dark.
914
01:14:14,957 --> 01:14:17,542
- I see.
- During the day, you switch it off...
915
01:14:17,543 --> 01:14:21,047
and you can claim it as reasonable wear
and tear under "allowable expenses"...
916
01:14:21,048 --> 01:14:23,049
under paragraph 335...
917
01:14:23,050 --> 01:14:26,219
Yes. I follow.
But, you see, the snag is...
918
01:14:26,220 --> 01:14:28,721
if I now call the service
and say to them...
919
01:14:28,722 --> 01:14:33,101
"I've got a 45-year-old accountant
who wants to become a lion tamer"...
920
01:14:33,102 --> 01:14:37,232
their first question is not going to be
"Does he have his own hat?"
921
01:14:37,233 --> 01:14:41,403
They're more likely to ask
what experience you've had with lions.
922
01:14:41,404 --> 01:14:45,157
- I've seen'em at the zoo.
- Good.
923
01:14:45,158 --> 01:14:49,245
Little brown, furry creatures with
short, stumpy legs and great long noses.
924
01:14:49,246 --> 01:14:52,039
I could tame one of those.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
925
01:14:52,040 --> 01:14:54,292
Look pretty tame to start with.
926
01:14:54,293 --> 01:14:57,045
And these lions,
how high are they?
927
01:14:57,046 --> 01:15:01,092
Oh, about so high.
They don't frighten me at all.
928
01:15:01,093 --> 01:15:03,385
And do these lions eat ants?
929
01:15:03,386 --> 01:15:05,746
Yes, that's right.
930
01:15:06,599 --> 01:15:11,399
Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of
there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater.
931
01:15:11,980 --> 01:15:15,273
- A what?
- An anteater, not a lion.
932
01:15:15,274 --> 01:15:17,735
You see a lion,
is a huge savage beast...
933
01:15:17,736 --> 01:15:19,987
about ten-foot long,
five-foot high...
934
01:15:19,988 --> 01:15:22,491
with masses of sharp,
pointy teeth...
935
01:15:22,492 --> 01:15:24,785
and nasty, long,
razor-sharp claws.
936
01:15:24,786 --> 01:15:27,299
It looks like this.
937
01:15:28,956 --> 01:15:32,627
- Now. Shall I call the circus?
- No!
938
01:15:32,628 --> 01:15:35,672
I like your idea
of making the move...
939
01:15:35,673 --> 01:15:37,799
to lion taming by easy stages...
940
01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:40,802
say by insurance or banking.
941
01:15:40,803 --> 01:15:43,305
- Banking?
- Yes, banking. I see it now.
942
01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:45,474
It's a man's life, isn't it?
Travel. Excitement...
943
01:15:45,475 --> 01:15:49,728
decisions affecting people's lives,
romance, thrills.
944
01:15:49,729 --> 01:15:52,397
I'll put you in touch
with the bank.
945
01:15:54,360 --> 01:15:56,278
Probably.
946
01:15:56,279 --> 01:15:59,866
I'd like a couple of days to think
about it, 'cause it is a big decision.
947
01:15:59,867 --> 01:16:02,200
Or maybe, maybe a week,
at most, you know?
948
01:16:02,201 --> 01:16:06,497
But I do want to make this decision.
I'd like to do banking...
949
01:16:06,498 --> 01:16:08,167
It's sad, isn't it...
950
01:16:08,168 --> 01:16:11,337
that this is what
accountancy does to people?
951
01:16:11,338 --> 01:16:15,299
The only way that we can fight this
terrible, debilitating social disease...
952
01:16:15,300 --> 01:16:18,678
I only want to be famous.
I only want to see my name in lights.
953
01:16:18,679 --> 01:16:21,091
And so you shall.
954
01:16:29,233 --> 01:16:31,183
Cue!
955
01:16:36,991 --> 01:16:39,535
Hello, good evening,
and welcome to "Blackmail."
956
01:16:39,536 --> 01:16:43,205
To start tonight's program,
we go north to Preston in Lancashire...
957
01:16:43,206 --> 01:16:45,568
and Mrs. Betty Teal.
958
01:16:46,711 --> 01:16:51,511
Hello Mrs. Teal.
Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for $15...
959
01:16:51,549 --> 01:16:55,553
and is to stop us revealing
the name of your lover in Bolton.
960
01:16:55,554 --> 01:16:58,764
So, Mrs. Teal, send us $15
by return of post, please...
961
01:16:58,765 --> 01:17:02,727
and your husband Trevor and your lovely
children Diane, Janice and Juliet...
962
01:17:02,728 --> 01:17:07,528
need never know the name
of your lover in Bolton.
963
01:17:12,615 --> 01:17:15,867
Now, a letter, a series
of photographs...
964
01:17:15,868 --> 01:17:19,287
and a hotel registration book
which could add up to divorce...
965
01:17:19,288 --> 01:17:22,249
premature retirement and
possible criminal proceedings...
966
01:17:22,250 --> 01:17:24,795
for a company director
in Bromsgrove.
967
01:17:24,796 --> 01:17:27,046
He's a Freemason
and a conservative M.P.
968
01:17:27,047 --> 01:17:30,801
So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove,
that's $3,000, please...
969
01:17:30,802 --> 01:17:35,390
to stop us revealing your name, the name
of the three other people involved...
970
01:17:35,391 --> 01:17:37,599
the youth organization
to which they belong...
971
01:17:37,600 --> 01:17:40,473
and the shop where
you bought the equipment.
972
01:17:47,571 --> 01:17:50,948
Well, we'll be showing you more of that
photograph later in the program...
973
01:17:50,949 --> 01:17:54,869
unless we hear
from Charles or Michael.
974
01:17:54,870 --> 01:17:57,456
Now it's time for
our "Stop The Film" spot.
975
01:17:57,457 --> 01:17:59,458
The rules are very simple.
976
01:17:59,459 --> 01:18:01,960
We have taken a film which
contains compromising scenes...
977
01:18:01,961 --> 01:18:06,174
and unpleasant details
which could wreck a man's career.
978
01:18:06,175 --> 01:18:09,510
But the victim may phone me
at any time and stop the film.
979
01:18:09,511 --> 01:18:12,765
But don't forget, the money increases
as the film goes on...
980
01:18:12,766 --> 01:18:15,808
so the longer you leave it,
the more you have to pay.
981
01:18:15,809 --> 01:18:20,609
So, with the clock at $300 this week's
"Stop the Film" visited Temstead.
982
01:19:13,125 --> 01:19:15,997
He's a very brave man.
983
01:19:22,093 --> 01:19:24,845
No, sir. No.
984
01:19:24,846 --> 01:19:27,514
I'm sure you didn't, sir.
No, that's all right.
985
01:19:27,515 --> 01:19:30,434
We don't morally censure.
We just want the money.
986
01:19:30,435 --> 01:19:33,001
And here's the address
to send it to:
987
01:19:36,901 --> 01:19:39,980
Thank you, sir.
988
01:19:41,864 --> 01:19:44,576
Ah. There you are.
989
01:19:44,577 --> 01:19:47,078
Well, that's quite
enough of that.
990
01:19:47,079 --> 01:19:49,491
And now...
991
01:19:52,042 --> 01:19:56,842
a local civic group re-enacts
a famous scene from history.
992
01:19:57,048 --> 01:20:01,427
This week, the Townswomen Guild
of Sheffield in Yorkshire.
993
01:20:01,428 --> 01:20:03,053
Miss Rita Fairbanks...
994
01:20:03,054 --> 01:20:06,058
you organized this representation
of the Battle of Pearl Harbour.
995
01:20:06,059 --> 01:20:07,642
Why?
996
01:20:07,643 --> 01:20:10,855
We've always been extremely
interested in modern works.
997
01:20:10,856 --> 01:20:15,610
We were the first towns women's guild
to perform "Camp on Blood Island"...
998
01:20:15,611 --> 01:20:17,320
and, of course, last year...
999
01:20:17,321 --> 01:20:21,617
we did our extremely popular
re-enactment of Nazi war atrocities...
1000
01:20:21,618 --> 01:20:24,788
so this year we thought we'd do
something in a much lighter vein.
1001
01:20:24,789 --> 01:20:28,123
I can see that you're all ready to go,
so I'll just wish you good luck...
1002
01:20:28,124 --> 01:20:30,794
in your latest venture,
"The Battle of Pearl Harbour."
1003
01:20:30,795 --> 01:20:35,053
Thank you very much
indeed, young man.
1004
01:21:01,537 --> 01:21:03,288
Oh, Brian.
1005
01:21:03,289 --> 01:21:05,648
Oh, Elsbeth.
1006
01:21:15,677 --> 01:21:19,116
Be gentle with me.
1007
01:21:51,384 --> 01:21:56,055
Oh, Brian, are you gonna do anything
or just show me films all evening?
1008
01:21:56,056 --> 01:21:58,110
Just one more, dear.
1009
01:22:08,905 --> 01:22:11,740
Good afternoon, and welcome
to Brantley Park...
1010
01:22:11,741 --> 01:22:14,910
just as the competitors are
running out onto the field...
1011
01:22:14,911 --> 01:22:17,871
on this lovely winter afternoon
with the going firm under foot...
1012
01:22:17,872 --> 01:22:19,916
and very little sign of rain.
1013
01:22:19,917 --> 01:22:22,418
Looks like we're in for
a splendid afternoon sport...
1014
01:22:22,419 --> 01:22:26,422
on this, the 127th
"Upper Class Twit of the Year" show.
1015
01:22:26,423 --> 01:22:30,135
There's a big crowd here today
to see these prize idiots in action.
1016
01:22:30,136 --> 01:22:31,762
Vivian Smith Smythe Smith.
1017
01:22:31,763 --> 01:22:34,015
He's in the Grenadier Guards,
and can count to four.
1018
01:22:34,016 --> 01:22:35,851
Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris.
1019
01:22:35,852 --> 01:22:38,812
He's an old Italian and married
to an attractive table lamp.
1020
01:22:38,813 --> 01:22:41,815
Nigel Incubator Jones.
His best friend is a tree...
1021
01:22:41,816 --> 01:22:44,110
and in his spare time
he's a stockbroker.
1022
01:22:44,111 --> 01:22:46,863
Javais Brookhamster.
He's in the wine trade...
1023
01:22:46,864 --> 01:22:49,323
and his father uses him
as a waste-paper basket.
1024
01:22:49,324 --> 01:22:52,452
And finally, Oliver Singen Mollusk,
another old Italian.
1025
01:22:52,453 --> 01:22:55,622
His father was a cabinet minister
and his mother won the derby.
1026
01:22:55,623 --> 01:22:58,417
He's thought by many to be
this year's outstanding twit.
1027
01:22:58,418 --> 01:23:01,420
And now the twits are moving
up to the starting line...
1028
01:23:01,421 --> 01:23:04,424
and any moment now they'll be
under starter's orders.
1029
01:23:04,425 --> 01:23:06,426
I'm afraid they're facing
the wrong way at the moment...
1030
01:23:06,427 --> 01:23:08,428
the wrong way at the moment,
but the starter will sort this out.
1031
01:23:08,429 --> 01:23:13,229
Any moment now they're going to have the
big off. This is always a tense moment.
1032
01:23:13,643 --> 01:23:15,478
And they're off!
1033
01:23:15,479 --> 01:23:19,315
No, they're not. They didn't realize
that they had to start with the gun.
1034
01:23:19,316 --> 01:23:22,736
I think the starter has explained to
them. Several are beginning to point.
1035
01:23:22,737 --> 01:23:25,197
And ready again, and off again!
1036
01:23:25,198 --> 01:23:27,199
This time, yes,
a really fast start!
1037
01:23:27,200 --> 01:23:30,829
It's Vivian going for the lead
Oliver's running wide to the right!
1038
01:23:30,830 --> 01:23:33,581
And to the left but,
he'll soon pick up the line...
1039
01:23:33,582 --> 01:23:36,419
into the first event which is,
walking along a straight line.
1040
01:23:36,420 --> 01:23:39,170
The twits have to walk along these lines
without falling over.
1041
01:23:39,171 --> 01:23:41,841
This is Oliver's worst event.
He's having a little trouble.
1042
01:23:41,842 --> 01:23:44,844
Simon's coming through.
Nigel's coming through.
1043
01:23:44,845 --> 01:23:48,181
Oliver's over at the back. Never mind.
He'll get up. He's a great fighter.
1044
01:23:48,182 --> 01:23:50,266
He's having...
Oh dear, never mind.
1045
01:23:50,267 --> 01:23:53,270
We're coming to the second event,
the matchbox jump.
1046
01:23:53,271 --> 01:23:56,858
Two layers of matchboxes for the twits
to clear. Nigel and Simon are over!
1047
01:23:56,859 --> 01:23:59,068
And Vivian has refused.
1048
01:23:59,069 --> 01:24:01,446
And now,
it's "Kicking the Beggar".
1049
01:24:01,447 --> 01:24:05,617
And Nigel to put the brogue in there!
Oh, beautifully placed!
1050
01:24:05,618 --> 01:24:08,120
The beggar is down,
and the crowd really loved it!
1051
01:24:08,121 --> 01:24:10,956
And here it's Oliver.
He hasn't cleared the jump.
1052
01:24:10,957 --> 01:24:13,376
Oh, if only his father
could understand.
1053
01:24:13,377 --> 01:24:16,045
And now it's
"Running Over the Old Lady".
1054
01:24:16,046 --> 01:24:19,758
Simon in the lead and he's done
it beautifully, right in the midriff.
1055
01:24:19,759 --> 01:24:22,762
Back to Oliver.
Oh, he's magnificent, this man.
1056
01:24:22,763 --> 01:24:25,222
He doesn't know when he's beaten. He
doesn't know what he's winning either.
1057
01:24:25,223 --> 01:24:29,435
He has no sort of sensory apparatus
known to man. Bad luck. Oliver.
1058
01:24:29,436 --> 01:24:32,523
And now, it's "Waking the Neighbour".
Simon's there at the front.
1059
01:24:32,524 --> 01:24:37,027
He's slamming that door, and woken
the neighbour Simon's moved into first.
1060
01:24:37,028 --> 01:24:39,029
The crowd is really excited!
1061
01:24:39,030 --> 01:24:41,157
And now it's
"Shooting the Rabbits".
1062
01:24:41,158 --> 01:24:45,078
These rabbits have been staked to the
ground so they can't move too much...
1063
01:24:45,079 --> 01:24:48,583
as this is only a one-day event.
1064
01:24:48,584 --> 01:24:52,169
There's mist there which I think is
causing the twits a bit of trouble.
1065
01:24:52,170 --> 01:24:54,881
And Javais is using
the butt of his rifle!
1066
01:24:54,882 --> 01:24:57,551
Vivian's going in with a fist,
and Javais is first away!
1067
01:24:57,552 --> 01:25:00,220
And Oliver has run himself over!
1068
01:25:00,221 --> 01:25:02,221
What a great twit!
1069
01:25:02,222 --> 01:25:05,809
And now, it's "Taking the Bras off
the Débutantes from the Back".
1070
01:25:05,810 --> 01:25:09,022
This is a particularly difficult
event for most of the twits...
1071
01:25:09,023 --> 01:25:12,108
one of the ones that takes the most time
on this exacting course.
1072
01:25:12,109 --> 01:25:16,655
The crowd are getting excited, and I
think the twits are getting excited too.
1073
01:25:16,656 --> 01:25:20,618
And it's Simon into the lead,
closely followed by Nigel!
1074
01:25:20,619 --> 01:25:22,787
And it's the final event now!
1075
01:25:22,788 --> 01:25:25,915
They have to shoot themselves
to become upper class twit of the year.
1076
01:25:25,916 --> 01:25:29,586
Simon can't get the bra off his finger
it's Nigel there!
1077
01:25:29,587 --> 01:25:31,797
Nigel misses! Simon's missing!
1078
01:25:31,798 --> 01:25:34,801
Nigel misses again!
And Javais has shot himself!
1079
01:25:34,802 --> 01:25:37,970
Javais is
upper class twit of the year!
1080
01:25:37,971 --> 01:25:40,307
Vivian is there!
He's not having any luck!
1081
01:25:40,308 --> 01:25:43,601
Simon shoots.
Simon has shot Vivian!
1082
01:25:43,602 --> 01:25:46,355
Simon has shot Vivian
into second place.
1083
01:25:46,356 --> 01:25:49,150
And Simon shoots himself.
Simon is third.
1084
01:25:49,151 --> 01:25:52,820
And Nigel clubs himself
into fourth place!
1085
01:25:52,821 --> 01:25:54,823
And so, the final result:
1086
01:25:54,824 --> 01:25:56,825
First and upper class
twit of the year...
1087
01:25:56,826 --> 01:25:59,036
Javais Brookhamster of Kensington...
1088
01:25:59,037 --> 01:26:01,747
runner up, Vivian Smith Smythe Smith
of Mayfair...
1089
01:26:01,748 --> 01:26:05,135
and third, Simon Zinc
Trumpet Harris of Kensington.
89364
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.