All language subtitles for Divorce.Bait.2022.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264

You must be so excited
for your new tennis lesson, huh?

Yeah.

Who's my coach, Mom?

You'll see.

Ready?

Nice.

Oh, that's nice.

- He does that on purpose,
I swear, right?

He has to. Oh, yeah!

You know, he's doing it for us.

What's up, ladies.

Party's here.

Alexis!

-Yes!
-Bam, Alexis!

Wine purse,
she's got the wine purse.

So as I was saying,
I'm in downtown LA
in the Fabric District, okay.

Hours in the sun,
I am sweating my balls off.

This guy named Tony,
tall, handsome, green eyes--

-Mm, sexy. I like that.
-Yes.

Follows me
into the dollar fabric store,

compliments my legs,
and yada, yada, yada,

I'm back at his loft downtown.

- No!
- Oh!

What if he was
a murderer or a rapist?

Sometimes you gotta just
trust your instincts, Alexis.

- Look around and find out,
am I right?

So, she brings me
another double scotch,

and I, like, pull out some cash.

And she's like, "Oh, no,

we're not allowed
to accept tips."

And I'm like,
"Oh, baby, that's too bad

- because I got a tip
I really wanted you to see."

- Am I right?
So she's laughing...
- Yeah.

...because it's fucking funny,
right? And I'm like,

"Okay, here's my fucking chance.
I mean, it's on my bucket list,

I'm flying first class,
I gotta do it, right?"

Marco, you get your ass
over here, you gotta hear this.

I'm telling him
how I became part
of the Mile High Club Elite.

Oh, geez!
Shit, I'm part of that club.

Have you sucked
a girl's pussy at 35,000 feet?

-What?
-I said, "Elite."

Wait, how the hell
did you go down on a girl
in a tiny-ass bathroom?

Acrobatics, bro.

Now, mind you. I have been out

in the hot sun, sweating, okay?

And now
I'm in this guy's bathroom

looking for wipes or something
to refresh myself, okay?

So, under his sink
he has some baby powder.

I sprinkle some
on my cooch, thinking,

"He won't know,
no big deal, it's just sex."

But then he decides

to check out the landing strip.

-Oh my God, stop!
-No!

Oh, yes. And I am
lying there mortified,

hands over my face thinking,
"I should stop him.

I should really stop this guy,

holy fuck,
I should stop this guy."

Then I'm like, "Oh, whatever."
And I let him do it.

Oh my God, you're such a whore!

- Thank you.
- I love it.

She's got one leg
up on the counter.

I'm holding the other one up
and I'm just going to town,
all right.

Now, this chick,
so fucking loud,

- the last row in coach
could hear her, okay.

And he thinks he's done,
comes up for air,

and he has white powder
all over his face.

Except now it looks like

-clumps of white dough.
-Oh!

-And I'm real distracted.
-Oh!

- All I can think about
is baking a pie.

Now, she's finally coming,
right?

-She begins to squirt
all over the place.
-Oh!

- You got a squirter!
Oh, you lucky fuck!
- Yeah! Yeah!

She's hanging on the wall,
fucking Spider-Man.

- She's got a leg up
on the counter...

...I'm grabbing
fucking paper towels,

shoving them under the door

to keep the first class cabin

from flooding, okay?

Fuck the oxygen masks,
drop down scuba tanks!

So I figured I'd
return the favor

and head down south,
when I realize

his balls are the size
of fucking martini onions.

He's a Gibson?

Wait, I thought that's a myth.

Fricking unicorn, right?

Get this, he has two kids.

- How?
- I don't know.

How about you and I
get a burger later, Tomas?

Thank you, Natalie,
but I am vegan.

Fuck you, Tomas.
You're not vegan.

The only reason you're
a yoga instructor

is for the hot chicks.

Stop snooping, Estanley.

What? 'Sup, Debby.

Hey, baby.

Okay, back to Gibson guy.

So, I mean, did you
even feel anything?

You'll probably get
to fuck him again.

Girl, hell no. There's more.

Tony dreamy, green-eyes Gibson

asked me to put a finger
into his ass.

That's just a shitty situation.

Ladies, focus. This is yoga.

Bob, didn't you say you took
your girlfriend Gloria
on that trip to Ireland?

Yeah. But I bought her
a ticket in coach.

This motherfucker.

Oh, Marco, look.
Let's do the deal.

-Let's do the deal. All right?
-All right.

Here's what we do.
We buy three properties.

Grenada, Ventura, Simi.

All right? But here's the deal.

Every time we meet,

you gotta bring
this motherfucker!

- I never laughed
so much in my life.

-This fucking guy.
-Bobby, coming in my pocket,
all right?

Hey, as long
as he doesn't cum in your mouth.

♪ Stardust ♪

♪ Gripping on the ocean floor ♪

Marco, baby, all I'm saying is

put yourself in my shoes.

You say you're gonna go
to Phil's to be at his office

and do some paperwork stuff,

which is why you can't make it
to tennis practice,

and suddenly there's a post
on Tom's social media

of the three of you golfing.

Baby, I'm sorry,
I sent you a text

that didn't go through.
You know how shitty

the service is in Porter Ranch.

See, wasn't sent.

Oh, wait, oh, wait.

Okay. Okay.

You're right.

-Babe, I had to take it.
-I know you do.

-Trust me.
-I trust you.

-Oh!
-Oh! That's a party foul,

-you better hurry up.
-Mm-hmm.

- Mm.
- Whoo! It's good.

- Date night.
Let's go. Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

-Date night. No kids tonight.
-Okay.

Okay. Hell yeah,

it's-- oh, oh.

-Oh, here we go.
-The babysitter. Babysitter.

-Babysitter time.
-Let's go.

- Go-- Babysitter.
- Let's do it. Let's do it.

I made popcorn for you and Emma,
you can watch a movie,

-but she needs to be
in bed by eight, okay?
-Okay.

Thank you.

And don't invite any boys.

Boys?

You couldn't have found
a more awkward girl.

What? Get a pretty sitter
so you can stare at her tits
and ass and wanna fuck her?

I ain't no fool.

Yeah, a Gibson.
I feel so bad for her.

I told her she has
to see him again.

I've known Debby for 20 years,

and she's always dated
the strangest dudes.

You and she
never really hooked up?

She's like a sister.

Speaking of the devil.

No!

-What's wrong?
-Greg and Julia
are getting a divorce.

Oh, damn. Are you serious?

They didn't even lead on
that they were having
any issues.

Babe, I'm sad.
I really liked them together.

Well, I can tell you one thing.

They are in for a wild ride.

-Divorce fucking sucks.
-Oh my God, yes.

The being angry at each other
while having to co-parent--

Oh, the mind game.

-The hurt. The guilt--
-Avoiding friends,

-having to choose friends--
-Dating.

Having to fill out
those dating apps again.

I swear to God,
every box that you check off,

it feels like you're stripping
your bobos in front of lions.

"What's your full name?"
There goes your top.

"What's your hobbies?"
There goes your bra.

"What kind of person
are you into?"

There goes your chonees.
Before you know it,

you're naked
in front of the world.

Remember those days, babe?

No. I always wanted
to get on those apps,

I thought it'd be fun,
but I never got the chance.

-No?
-No.

I was alone for four months.

And then I met you.

And that was it for me.

- Four months?
- Mm-hmm.

You can't go two days
without fucking.

It was the weirdest thing.
My ex-wife's friends
all reached out to me.

-You're kidding.
-Nope.

They were like, "Are you okay?

Tell us if there's anything
we can do for you.

Let's go out for 'coffee.'"

Yada, yada, yada.

Cochinadas ensued.

And you went along
with these cochinadas?

You fucked your wife's friends?

My ex-wife.
You're my wife. And yes.

Women are strange
about these things.

Men don't do that.
It's bad karma.

Of course men do that, okay?

We're not even divorced,
and I see some of your friends
giving me the look.

-What look?
-You know, the,

"I've been stuck
in the desert and I just saw

a chilled beer" look.

-Thirsty.
-They may look,

but my boys aren't gonna
reach out if you and I break up.

You don't date your friend's ex.

That's bro code, bro.

Imagine if word got out
that we were separating.

I wonder which one of my friends
would reach out to you first.

-Have no clue.
-What if we pretended
to get separated?

- Divorce bait everyone,
see who hits you up first.

That is a terrible idea.

Babe, you know how hard it is
to cover up a lie.

I mean,
shit gets freaking crazy.

-And how do you know?
-My ex.

She was so stressed
about the affair

that she was having
during our marriage,

-she got a white pube.
-Ew.

How the hell do you kno--

You know what?
I don't even wanna know.

Oh my God, babe. There's Greg.

Don't look!

Oh, he's so sad and lonely.

-We should invite him
to join us.
-No, Alexis!

Just leave him alone,
it'll be awkward.

Divorce is rough, babe.

He's our friend.
We need to support him.

Oh, hey, babe.
The whole town is here.

It's Tina, La Cochina.

This motherfucker!

-Oh, wow.
-The body's not even cold yet.

Alexis, just leave it alone.

-I'm gonna go over there.
-No, you're not.

You're gonna sit down,
you're gonna enjoy

this amazing salad.

-...sexy.
-Thank you.
I like your scent, too,

-what is it?
-It's, uh, soap.

Fuck that.
I want to see what's going on.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

-No.
-He needs my support, okay?

Maybe he's okay. Maybe he's not.

-You don't know.
-He's fine, babe, sit down.

Babe, sit--

Hey, guys!
How's it going?

-Hey, guys.
-Hey!

Greg, how's Julia?

I don't know if you've heard--

Oh, I've heard.

Tina... nice dress.

Thanks. I got it
at this little boutique on--

Where're your five kids?

At their five babies' daddies?

I have three,
and they're at home with my mom.

-Oh. Yeah.
-She must be a saint.

So what are we doing here?

- Well, we'r-- hanging out.
- We're just hanging out.

Oh, hanging out?
They're just hanging out.

-Yeah, that's what they said,
they're han--
-Just hanging out.

-Hanging out.
-Okay, so that's
what we do nowadays,

we just hang out.

Well, Tina,
you look very pretty.

Thank you.

Hey, Greg,
Julia, is she all right?

-Hell, man, are you all right?
-Yeah.

We're getting through it,
but, um...

it's hard.

Is it hard?

-Okay. All right.
-Is it hard right now?

Uh, Alexis, we're gonna--

-hey, guys, have a good evening.
-Thank you.

We're just...
yeah, we'll let you guys

-keep hanging out. Okay.
-Let's go.

-Okay.
-Wow.

Alexis, what the hell?

You can't just go over
to someone and just boom,
go right into them.

They're hanging out? Okay,

is that what we call
fucking these days?

They're fucking.
They've got the look.

Alexis,
it's none of your business.

They're adults, they can do
whatever the hell they want!

Shit's not right. What the hell?

What are you doing?

-Well...
-Are you videotaping them?

- Hi.
- Hi, guys.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

Morning.

Will you still love me
when we're that old?

Absolutely.

Think we'll
still enjoy lovemaking?

Hell yeah! Even when your boobs
are down to your knees,

I'll still tap that.

Tap that!

-Okay. Oh, oh. Like that?
-Oh, oh, oh, oh.

-Like that? Okay, okay.
-Yeah. Yes.

Babe, stop.

-You're so romantic.
-I know.

I'm sorry I was tripping, babe.

It's okay. I get it.

They're our friends,
and you care.

-Yep.
-All right, last one
to the coffee shop has to pay.

Yeah! Come on.

There's this, like,
seven-minute ab video

-that I want us to do.
It's incredible.
-You wanna keep working out?

- I kind of just wanna
Netflix and chill.
- Yeah. I j--

Oh, here we go.

-Julia! I got you, girl.
-Oh, Alexis. Hey.

-I got you, okay?
-What?

-I heard.
-Oh. Uh-huh, yeah, I'm fine.

- Okay. Hey--
- Hey, Julia.

Hey, Marco. How's it going?

Before you hear
from anyone else, all right,

we saw Tina and Greg
at a restaurant.

- Oh... yeah. Oh, no.
- He's such an asshole.

-Alexis, please, stop,
stop, babe, stop, okay.
-I'm here if you need anything.

-Okay.
-Julia, are you okay?

-Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
-See, babe?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-She's okay. Let's go.

Okay, good. Hey, if you need
anything at all, okay?

-You call me, all right?
You wanna have...
-Oh. Okay.

...a glass of wine, you call me.

-Thank you. Thank you. Okay.
-All right?

You wanna put a spell
on Greg's dick to shrink it?

-You call me, okay?
I know a lady...
-Oh.

-...who will Vienna sausage
that motherfucker.
-Oh.

- Okay.
- -We're gonna get our coffee.

- Thank you.
- Okay, Bye.

What the hell was that?

- I parked the car.
- Hey--

-See,
chivalry is not dead, baby.
-Bob, Bob, not now. Bob!

-Bob, get down.
-Oh!

-Bob? Bob!
-Marco!

-What up, bro?
-Look, it's Bob.

Hey, bitty-bitty Bob-Bob.

Whoo!

And Julia. Mm, what's up?

You know, we're
just hanging out.

- Hanging out?
I heard that one before.
- Yeah.

-They're hanging out, babe.
-Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Because that's

what we do nowadays, right?

- We hang out, huh...
- Yeah.

...we don't call it
fucking anymore?

- What? No. What?
- Okay. Yeah.

Don't you just love
how everybody's
hanging out these days?

How about you guys?
Are you just kind of
hanging out?

He's my brother.

We are hanging out.

-Alexis, they're kids!
-All right, Alexis.

What the heck is going on?

Alexis,
it's not what it looks like.

We're just... helping each other
get through a rough patch.

-Whatever. Okay.
-Yeah.

- Marco?
- Whatever.

I-- Hey, we're going home,
and we're gonna hang out.

He means fucking.

If you're steps, it's okay.

Alexis, please stop.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
I don't wanna be running

with hot coffee spilling
all over me.

Baby, what has gotten into you?

It's none of our business.
These are adults.

They are our friends.

I don't know what's going on,

but I can't trust these bitches.

They all wanna hang out.
They probably wanna
hang out with you.

-Of course.
-Mm-hmm.

Because I'm
fucking irresistible.

Okay. I-- I can't with you.

Oh, come on, Alexis,
that was funny.

Alexis, come on!

Baby, just let it go.

You can't show up
to a parent-teacher conference

all pissed off about something
that we have no control over.

I mean, you're liable to stab
the teacher with a pencil

if she gives us
a bad report about Emma.

All right?
Just relax. It's okay.

Come on,
take a deep breath for me.

Let's go, inhale.

Blow it up.

We're getting a divorce?

What did you do?

What did you do?

I'm gonna test
these people, okay?

I put on my Face page

- that we may or may not
be getting a divorce.

What?

Alexis, delete the post, please.

-This is ridiculous.
-I'm gonna leave it up
for 24 hours.

See which one
of our friends, okay,

- is gonna reach out
to you to hang out!

Twenty-four hours?
No, you're not,

-you're gonna
take it down now.
-No, I can't, okay?

- I can't trust these hoes,
all right?

As a matter of fact,
give me your phone.

-Let me see who's--
-Just-- no!

Baby, we're gonna get
in an accident.

-How?
-You're acting crazy here.

No, I'm gonna divorce bait
these bitches, okay?

I am not losing another man

to one of these
backstabbing hoes, all right?

Hey, relax, Cardi B.
You're not gonna lose me!

I know, okay?
And I'm gonna make sure of that.

Okay.

Baby, wait for me.

Hi.

♪ Such a bad man ♪

♪ Such a bad man ♪

♪ So bad, so bad ♪

Babe, give me your hand.

♪ Such a bad man ♪

♪ Such a bad man ♪

-♪ So bad, so bad ♪
-♪ Such a bad man ♪

Hello, Mrs. Laguna.
Hello, Mr. Laguna.

-Hi, Miss Beach.
-Right this way.

First of all, I am sorry

for what you both
are experiencing at home.

-Divorce is sticky.
-Thanks.

Well, we're still trying
to work things out, Miss Beach.

Call me Barbara.

But I do have to say,
I was happy to hear the news.

What?

It definitely explains

a lot of Emma's behavior.

It's pretty classic textbook

for families
going through a divorce,

a second one for Emma,
in this case.

The assignment was to write
about your favorite room
in the house

and give three reasons
why it's her favorite.

"The dark chamber
we call the basement

is my favorite room in our home.

It's spooky, and strange sounds
are heard in the dark.

It's awesome!"

What the fuck?

- Oh, sorry.
- No.

In this other essay,

she's asked to write about
a family member she admires.

She wrote about her father,
Adam Sandler.

The guy from Uncut Gems?

Uncut Gems.

Bedtime Stories,
babe, remember?

We watched it together
as a family.

That was a good movie.

Okay. Uh, Barbara--

It's Miss Beach.

We'll talk to her.
How are her grades?

Other than that, Emma's doing
really well in class.

Amazing, as I expected.

Okay, I think we're done here.

Thank you
for being so understanding.

You're welcome.

Bye-bye, Barbara.

Bye!

So what the hell is up
with Emma's essays?

-What's up with Miss Beach?
-Maybe you should focus on Emma.

Might be a good distraction

from this ridiculous
divorce baiting you've started.

Did you not see them?

I have to admit,
the parents were acting weird.

-So what?
-I told you.

You never know
who it's gonna be.

- Okay. What are you doing now
with my phone?

Michelle? Wow.

I knew this bitch was always
liking your posts too much.

That's a client's wife.

Un-fucking-friend.

-Huh.
-If you're worried about me,

just delete that post.

I can't believe
I just posted this...

-You know what?
-...and they're
already commenting!

-No, it's my Facebook, okay?
-Wow! Please.

Is it--
does it have your name on it?

-Doesn't it say, "Marco Laguna"?
-Right.

Does your Facebook say,
"Marco Laguna"?

Wow!

Huh!

This motherfucker!

Okay, son of a bitch.
You want to play?

Estanley!

You piece of shit!

You reach out to my wife, huh?

I thought
we were supposed to be boys.

Come out, you asshole.

What's with all
the commotion out here?

How dare you ask
my wife to hang out?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

In my defense,

A, she's not gonna be
your wife much longer,

and B, frankly,
it's your fault.

How the fuck is it my fault?

When you got
a beautiful hand model

to lower her standards
when she married you, bro,

you made me believe
that I had a chance.

You see?

No, wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

- You...
- You son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch!

Get off of me! Get off of me!

Ooh. Oh, wait.

Bro, I know you're afraid.

I know you're petrified.
You keep thinking

how you'll never live
without her by your side.

-Oh, look, killer bees.
-Eh! Eh!

-You're going to spend
so many nights...
-Yeah.

...thinking
how she did you wrong.

-But you'll grow strong.
-Yeah.

You'll learn how to get along.

-Are you quoting Gloria Gaynor?
-I sure am, my love.

-You like it? Oh!
-It's fake, you moron!

All right! Okay, okay!

Bro. I have chronic halitosis.

-Truce? Right.
-Yeah, sure. Right.

Truce.

What's fake?

The post.

It isn't real, you fool.

Alexis is divorce baiting
everybody.

Divorce whating?

Divorce baiting.

She wants to find out
who she can trust,

so she put the fake post up
that we're getting a divorce.

-It's fake?
-Yes.

What is wrong
with you fucking crazies?

That's not right.
I was set up to fail.

You're setting
everyone up to fail.

You know what?

You two deserve each other.

You are both fucked-up people.

And I am disgusted
with the both of you.

And get off my lawn!

This isn't even your lawn!

I feel so violated.

-Am I like a victim now?
-She's crazy.

That's what I get
for marrying a model.

Models be crazy, man.

It's all those salads
and Pilates and shit.

Bitches need a burrito.

You fuckers know
I can hear you, right?

Alexis, you need
to take down the post, baby.

People can get hurt.

Look what we've done
to poor Estanley.

Fuck no.

Oh, I'll take that.

- Hey, give me--
- Oh.

-I got it.
-Tell me what it says.

Tell me what it says!

Alexis, these texts

are all condolences.

Tracey just reached out

to say that she's heartbroken.

Thank you, hermano.

That's what I've
been trying to tell her.

Tracey wants
to have your babies.

Come on.

-See.
-It's nothing.

Ask her to go out tomorrow
and have coffee in the morning.

Uh-uh. Because you're gonna
take it down tonight,

which would make that
unnecessary.

I'm not taking
anything down until you go
on that coffee date.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That was not part
of our agreement.

Technically,
I agreed in the late afternoon,

so I'm not breaking
any agreement.

Go and have coffee
and you'll see.

Then, I can kill her.

Do you hear this? Fine.

Just to prove you wrong,
I will meet her.

Oh, it's done.

-Fine.
-Fine.

Fine!

See? She's fine.

She isn't fine.

Do you know anything
about women?

I know that they need burritos.

I love my bi-weekly mani-pedis.

Well, tricks, I am off.

Got my eyebrows waxed,
I got my Brazilian.

And let me just say,
I am so bare down there,

I am turning myself on.

Drip, drip that WAP, bitch!

Girl, you know it.

What? No pedi today?

-Oh!
-Uh, no.
I've been banned from pedis

ever since
I kicked Lila in the eye.

Sorry. Here you go.

Bye!

Bye.

What a cheap-ass bitch!

-That's Debby.
-Yeah.

So, Diva, when do you leave?

In two days, baby.

Damn, you've been working
nonstop, that's amazing.

Right? Who knew my vitiligo
would be a plus?

It's like they're hiring
two Divas for the price of one.

Kanye and Kim.

That's awesome.

I think it's time for me
to get back to work.

Honey, I told you,
you shouldn't have stopped.

I know, but Emma's older now.

I think I'm ready.

Guess who's the photographer
for my next gig?

-No!
-Yeah.

I knew mentioning
Mr. The-one-that-got-away

would put a smile on your face.

Okay, tell Samuel I said, "Hi."

-Come tell him, "Hi," yourself.
-No, I can't.

Oh, too busy
pretending to be divorced?

It's just an experiment, Diva.

I mean,
I know this sounds crazy,

but I need to know
who I can trust.

Besides, it'll be over
in two hours.

Mama, just like
no two hands are the same,

no two mans are the same.

Marco is not
your cheating ex-husband,

and you could really screw
this up if you don't trust him.

No, no, no, no!
That's our acidic foot peel.

Kim! Kim!

The manicurist burned his hands.

-Second-degree burns.
-Oh, shit.

Those bi-racial hands
are his bread and butter.

-I know.
-That ought to set him back.

Well, they'll just give the job
to someone else,

but financially, he's set.

He has insurance on those hands

and the best doctors
working on them.

You can insure your body parts?

Yep.

Should I insure my dick?

Why would you insure your dick?

I don't know. As crazy
as you've been acting recently,

what if you Lorena Bobbitt me?

Babe, I would never
chop your dick off.

-Good.
-I'd kill you.

Here we go.

Go have fun
on your "coffee date."

-Love you.
-Love you.

Come on.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
-Like that?

Okay. All right.

Okay, are you
getting me ready for my date?

Swirling my scent on you.

What--

I can't believe
you're making me do this.

Hi, Marco. God, you look great!

Coffee, biscotti,
what else do you want?

Yeah.

Well, first of all,
I just want to say thank you
for reaching out, Tracey.

It's, um, good to know
that we have friends
that we can count on.

Oh, yeah, of course. Absolutely.

So what happened?

You know, basic couple shit.

You know, I left
the cap off the toothpaste,

she left her, um,
hair in the drain.

Oh, come on.
You can be honest with me.

Was she a horrible housewife?

The house was always a mess.

- Jerk.
- I knew it.

I just won a bet.

- These bitches.
- -I knew it'd be an issue.

-You're old school.
You wanna come home...
-Mm. Mm.

...to a clean house
and a home-cooked meal.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-What else?

- She could be quite controlling, you know.
- -Oh.

Everything had to be
right in the calendar.

-Even sex?
-Oh, yeah.

Oops. Oh my goodness,

I'm so clumsy.
I'm always dropping some--

Oh, good one, Tracey,

the old,
"I just dropped my napkin."

Don't fall for it, Marco.
Don't fall for it.

Yeah. Oh.

-I'm sorry.
-Oh! Oh!

There you go.

Thank you.

Hi, hon. How are you?
How's your hand?

Not good, baby girl.

I need you to do me a favor.
I need someone to cover me

for my shoot tomorrow.

It's all taken care of.
You just have to say, "Yes."

Yes! Oh my God, yes!

-I'll see if I can
step up to wish you luck.
-But hey, uh, I'm in--

I'm kind of in the middle
of something, all right?
C-- can I call you back

or you just send me
the details, please?

Sure thing, sugar.
I'll put you in contact

-with Samuel's assistant.
-Okay, thank you!

Congrats, baby. Love you!

Love you.

Oh. Ooh, this is hard.

Do you like it hard?

Absolutely. When you dip it in,

- it becomes moist.
- What the fuck!

Oh, hell no.

-Mm, that is good.
-Mm.

-I guess a hard biscotti
is not the way to go.
-Mm.

Anyway, Tracey, what about you?

I mean, it's been three years
since the divorce?

-Mm-hmm.
-How's the dating scene?

It's pretty bleak,
if I'm honest.

You know? It's hard
to find a man, a good man,

especially when you have kids.

-Yeah.
-Hey.

-Oh! Oh!
-Oh!

-Oh, sh--
-Oh, I got it.

I got it.

-I got it. Yeah, right there,
it's coming out.
-It's gonna come out? All right.

-Yeah? O-- okay, I've got it.
-It's coming out,
yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-You've got to dab it.
-Okay, I'v-- I've got it.

-Good, good. All right,
okay, I've got it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, that's good.
No, no, n-- Oh!
-Yeah, I-- I've g--

-That's good! That's good.
-Oh!

-Ye-- Oh.
-Oh my God, I'm so sorry,
I totally went

-autopilot Mommy on your ass.
-No, that's all right.

-I've gotta go anyway.
-I'm so sorry.

Okay.

That was... that was weird.

I can't keep a clean house?

You were listening to me?

Check your pockets.

You don't trust me!

No, it was Tracy
I couldn't trust.

Apparently,
I can't trust you either.

I was making shit up, Alexis.

I just told you the other night

how hard it is
to keep up with a lie.

Why the hell was she trying
to grab your dick?

Oh my God.

I-- I dropped
my biscotti on my lap.

She went right into Mommy mode
to try to clean it up.

- Okay. Why didn't you
shut her down?
- I did shut it down!

Jesus Christ!
Man, why are you so insecure?

Don't call me insecure!

You said you loved my calendars.

I've had enough of this.

Oh, so you've had
enough of me? Okay.

I didn't say you, I said this!

You made one cup of coffee?

That's mature.

So you're seeing
your ex-boyfriend today?

Don't be insecure.

Oh, I'm not.

I just think you're a hypocrite.

Oh, we're name-calling now?

It's for a job.
I was gonna tell you yesterday,

but you were too busy
on your date.

Oh, my--

That wasn't a date.

You made me go.

This is nuts!

Look, during your date,

Diva asked me
to step in for him.

I haven't worked in years,
and I didn't think
it was such a big deal

that Samuel would be there.

Oh, sure you didn't,
but that's okay.

Go ahead. Do it.

Unlike you, I trust you.

But this guy?

Oh, this guy! He still
has feelings for you. Hmm!

Oh, I've seen all the likes
he's given on your social media.

"Oh, you're looking great."
"Oh, married life suits you."

You're trolling him?
I haven't even talked to him
or seen him in years.

-Whatever.
-Whatever.

By the way,
I'm going out tonight,
you don't need to wait up.

Hey, go have dinner with him.
Whatever.

I fucking trust you.

♪ I'm flying ♪

♪ I'm high ♪

♪ On life ♪

♪ Don't care ♪

♪ Don't need you ♪

♪ No strides ♪

♪ I'm flying ♪

♪ I'm high ♪

♪ On life ♪

♪ Don't care ♪

♪ I need you in my life ♪

♪ But I hate you ♪

♪ Yet I love you ♪

♪ But I hate you ♪

♪ Yet I love you ♪

♪ Sometimes I'm scratching
like I have an itch ♪

♪ And sometimes I'm faking ♪

♪ Like I don't care ♪

♪ But I do ♪

♪ Don't you dare
even pretend... ♪

Marco!

What the--

Hey, Miss Beach.

Hi, Marco.
And please, call me Barbie.

I didn't know you lived
in this neighborhood.

Actually, I don't, I...

...ran a little further
than I usually do.

- Just trying
to let off some steam.

I understand, I bet
the divorce is taking a toll.

Yeah, right. The divorce.

I like to release sexual tension
by planting cacti.

That's an interesting cactus.

Hey, are you busy this evening?

Actually, I'm not.

Have you heard
of The Pool Party?

-I went to one last week.
-I mean, The Pool Party.

Sure.
Are the kids gonna be there?

My godd--
oh, you're so funny.

-Oh, wouldn't that be awful?
-Oh, yeah.

Ugh. Kids, the darn kids
you spent so much time with.

So I'll pick you up later?

Uh, let's just meet there.

And, um, should I wear
my bathing suit
or can I change there?

Bathing suit!

You're so hilarious!

Okay, uh, bye, Miss Beach.

I'll text you the address.

- Imagine being pampered
like this all the time.

Oh my God,
I missed this for sure.

I'm happy to hear it. But...

...are you ready to see Samuel?

What? Okay, there is
nothing there, I promise.

Honey, you and him had
some crazy chemistry.

And that's dangerous.

Okay, Samuel and I were hot
for each other, but toxic.

We were always
at each other's throats.

And the only reason
we lasted that long

was because of the make-up sex.

Well, just make sure
those embers are gone.

- We want you going back to work,
not back to being single.

They're ready for you,
try not to fuck this up.

What the-- okay.

Don't worry about her.
She's pissed

because she wanted this job.

You watch your back around her.

Oh, I'm so nervous,
I didn't even get a chance
to eat today, I'm starving.

Well, grab a snack
and knock them dead.

I'll see you
on the flip side, baby.

I've got an appointment
for some TLC

with Kim and Kanye.

Okay.
Thank you so much.

Feel better.

Hell yeah, we're back, bitches.

Ooh. Hell yeah.

Love crafty table.

Hi, I missed you!

Oh, fuck yeah. Come here.

Oh, that's-- never mind, enjoy.

I hate her,
with her big titties.

Mm!

Mm!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

-Allie? Allie,
Allie, Allie, Allie!
-Samuel!

-Hey.
-Oh my God!

- How are you?
- How are you? Come here.

-You look so beautiful.
-Oh, okay.

-Oh, okay.
-No, again!

Okay, Samuel, great.

You can't kiss me
on the mouth anymore.

-I'm a married woman.
-Oh, that is a nice rock.

-So, you're ready to go? Okay.
-Yep.

-Mm-hmm. Let's go. Mm-hmm.
-Yeah.

What? Still feisty.

-Oh, you know me. Always.
-She's so feisty. I like it.

-Yeah. Mm.
-No. I-- I missed that.

Actually, I haven't missed much.
I've been keeping up with you

-on social media. Yeah!
-Really?

Because I don't know
anything about you.

Other than you're
still not married.

Oh, burn.

Well, honey,
you've ruined me for all women.

That's because I'm like a dog
on a fire hydrant, just...

just pissing all over you.

Thank you
for the image. Thank you.

-Okay, let's get started. Yeah?
-Yeah.

Jasmine is gonna
be helping us out.

Oh, I think she's helped enough.

- Okay. Alexis, take a seat.
- Yeah.

Uh, Jasmine, will you place

a few of those gummies
in her palm for me?

Okay, Alexis, open up.
Place them right there.

Beautiful. Beau--

-Oh! Bouncy little fuckers.
-Okay, Jasmin--

-What happened?
-Jasmine, the whol--
the whole point,

Jasmine,
is to place them in her palm,

make sure they stay, okay?
Let's try that.

Okay, let's do it again.
Let's go. Okay.

-There you go.
All right, here we go.
-Mm-hmm.

-Um.
-Give me hot. Roll the tips.

Yes, roll the tips.

Now, open it up.
Open it up, open it up!

Yes.
Give me a hyena.

- Oh, yeah.
- Those fingertips are so sexy.

God, look at that.
So, Diva tells me

that this is your first hand job
in eight years.

Hand job?
Oh, you're so funny.

I get it. Uh, no, actually,

I haven't given
a hand job since I was 17.

Well, looks like
we'll have to change that.

I'm just kidding,
I-- I'm kidding.

Okay, you know what?
let's go to the chocolates.

Let's place one
on the index finger,

on the tip, okay?

Gently place it there,
Jasmine. Thank you.

- Okay, Alexis.
- Hold still.

Hold it there. Okay. Come on.

That's gorgeous.
Come on. No, no.

- Open it up,
let me see it. Nice.

Give me a round.
Give me a round, for me.

Come on. Come on.

Wait.

- Yes,
yes. Give it to me...

I-- I'm melting.

I'm melt--

Melt---

-I'm melting!
-Oh my God!

-I'm melting!
-Jasmine, will you help her up?

Come--

Alexis, wha-- what's wrong?

-She drugged me.
-Wait, wait, wait. What?

- Did you eat the edibles?
- "Did you eat
the edibles?"

She gave them to me.

Oh my God, look at your titties.

They're so big!

That's a wrap. We got it.
We got it. Come on.
Jasmine, you can get up.

No. Come on, let's go.

We got it. We got the shot.
You're such a pro.

Yes! Okay.

I want a hot dog.

I will give you
a hot dog. Let's go.

All right,
you're our last guest.
You can join them by the pool,

they're about to begin
in five minutes.

All right. Thank you.

You made it!

Oh, and you brought
a bag of tricks.

Some people
usually wait a few times

before they dive right in.

But you're just getting
all in there, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm a good swimmer.

Look, I don't mean to brag,

- but I was on the JV team
for four years.

- What's up, buddy?
- Oh, God!

Oh, man,
I knew you'd come around.

-Wow. Oh!
-Yeah.

- Hey.
- The whole gang is here.

-Hey, Marco.
-Okay.

We've been coming
to these pool parties
for some time now.

Really? And you never thought
of inviting Alexis and me?

- Who doesn't love a good pool party, right?
- -Yeah.

Let's get wet.

Let's get wet!

-Marquito!
-Ah, Jesus.

You were invited?

Sheesh.

Technically, no.

I saw your text from Miss Beach,

so I'm crashing.

But I knew
you'd need a sidekick.

You saw my text? That's--

Oh, and I'm gonna need a ride.
I took the bus.

You took the bus
wearing water shoes?

It's for the environment, bro.
Don't judge.

Hey, hey. I'm really glad

-that you're here.
-Why isn't anyone in the pool?

That's what I mean.

Something's up. I, I, I just
can't put my finger on it.

But the fact that they never
invited Alexis and me
to one of these parties--

Can I have your attention,
everybody?

I'd like to welcome everyone.

As always, we will go
over the short rules.

I'm glad they're reminding
everyone not to run.

I fell on my head so hard once,

I forgot how to wipe
my own ass for a week.

The safe word is "papaya."

- That's the original manager
of Guns N' Roses.

- No way.
- Yeah, bro.

I didn't know
he was in the bingo.

...and unfortunately you can't

come back ever again.

Let's begin.

-Fourteen.
-Boom, yeah!

Number one draft pick.

University of awesome, bro.

These people
are so fucking organized.

All of this
just to get in the pool?

I swear I'm gonna cannonball
on these fools when I get in.

-I'm with you.
-I have an 18 and a 3.

Alright.

We have a 26.

Yeah!

- Thirty.
- That's you, bro.

Oh shit.

Yeah. Alright.

Thank you. Thank you.

-Alright.
-Bye.

Yeah, man.
See you in the pool, bro.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, 30.

Hey, you are
in the bomb pop room.

Follow me.

Okay.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

What the fuck?

The toys are always
the best part.

Oh, god. I'm sorry,
is, is this your room?

It's our room.
Should we change now?

Um, sure.

Oh, you mean now? Oh, oh, okay.

I'll, I'll just turn around
and give you some privacy.

Oh, ow. What?
What are you doing?

You have small wrists.
I like that.

Maybe we can use it
to our advantage.

What about the pool?

Meh, meh, meh.

Oh, my God. Oh.

Shut up!

Oh, uh, sorry. I-- My bad.

No, honey,
you're in the right room.

Close the door.

Okay.

I, uh...

Are we supposed to do something?

-Are those for me?
-Hell yeah.

We have company joining us
in just a moment.

No way.

My dreams are finally
coming true.

I've always wanted to be
in a threesome.

Can I keep my water shoes on?

Whatever floats
your boat, darling.

Hi, my name is Gunther.

I have more toys.

A runner! How fun.

You didn't say papaya.

-What?
-Papaya. Papaya.

Get these cuffs off me, please.

-Okay.
-Oh, my god.

Come on. Estanley.

Estanley.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Bob?
- Marco.

-Marco, here.
-No, I'm good.

I'm good.

Estanley.

Estanley.

Estanley, Estanley.

I've never known
so much pleasure.

Marco. Hey.
Awesome pool party, huh?

Uh, Estanley, we've gotta go.

Hell, no, bro.

I, I've waited for this moment
my whole life.

-I'm leaving.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mistress Tanya,
may I please have a ride home?

I'll give you a ride, honey.

Thank you, Mistress Tanya.

You good, man?

I'm so good, bro.

Good luck.

Marco! Marco!

Don't forget about me, bro.

Marco! Marco!

- What?
- This is Gunther.

- Hi.
- Can he come over

-for pizza Friday night?
-Sure.

Okay, Estanley.

One, two, or three balls?

Yes, please. Oh.

So weird. I didn't think Gunther
would be the one to cry.

Yeah. What a little bitch.

I did all the work.

Get me three tacos.

Yes, ma'am.

Hamburger for Tomas!

Ah-ha! I knew it.

You carrot top motherfucker.

What's this?

Mm?

A burger?

You're not a vegan.

You're a phony.

Fuck you, Estanley.

Get back here,
you son of a bitch!

What about my tacos, fool?

Oh, my god. That's my neighbor.

Wait, wait. You know him?

Yeah.

Now this, my darling,
is perfection.

You've got ketchup,

mustard, mayo, relish,
end to end.

All the flavor in every bite.

It looks like a mess.

Do you want me to make yours?

No, I'm good, Mr. Perfection.

Actually, I'm really hungry.

Oh my god. That long dog

at the Gwen Stefani concert.

That shit was perfection.
Am I right?

Great concert,
but I drank way too much.

My god. Shit.
This just reminds me.

-Do you remember
the morning after?
-Don't remind me.

I drove you home in the morning.

Wait, wait, wait.

You be me. I'll be you.

-No.
-Alexis, please.

No, you're awful.

-I am awful. Please.
-Fine.

Thank you.

-You have to drive.
-Okay. I'm driving.

- Baby, do you mind
pulling over--
- Okay, sure, sure.

No.

- I wiped my face
like that too? Okay.

That was the most demure
throw-up I've ever seen
in my life.

And then you just drove off
like nothing happened.

I didn't even notice
until I got home

there was puke
all on the side of my car.

I know. I'm so sorry.

I was such an idiot.
I think we just began dating.

It took me a while to get you

to let your walls down
and just be you.

Puke and all.

But you did.

You know, sometimes I think
you're the last person

I really got to do that with.

That jacket looks good on you.

Thanks.

You think Jasmine is
gonna sue me?

No. You--
she basically roofied you.

-Right.
-Yeah.

We got what we needed anyway.

All I cared about was the fact

that you looked happy
and that you loosened up.

It reminded me of old times.

Yeah.

So...

Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.

-Oh, my god.
-It was just an instinct.

-Are you kidding?
-It's just an old, old habit.

- I don't know.
- Old habit?

-Let me take you
to the hospital!
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's just, you know. No,
I don't want that. I'm gonna
leave it in for a moment.

You like it?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Oh.

-Shit. God.
You are a crazy fucker.
-Yeah.

I am. Oh, touch it.

- Touch it?
- Touch it.

Oh, this is getting weird.

Yes. It hasn't hit the bone yet.

Alright. Alright. So go deeper?

Hey.

Hey.

Do you hate me?

No. Never.

It's the opposite.

I love you.

I love you too.

I took the post down last night.

-You were right.
-Whoa, whoa.

It was stupid and immature

and I should have never done it.

That was a big mistake.

Can we just forget
it ever happened?

Yes!

I want nothing more.

So...

...you took it down
with no explanation?

"For better or for worse,
we aren't divorcing.

I'm sorry to everyone
who worried about us.

We love you."

Aww, that's perfect.

But could you repeat
one thing? Um...

-Yeah.
-Could you repeat the part

when you said the words
"You were right"?

Oh, you liked that, didn't you?

-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, you were so right.

Again.

You were so...

- ...right.
- Yeah?

-All right then.
-Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, babe,
I have some amazing news.

Babe, what's wrong?

Debby sent me this.

Okay. I, I can explain.

Did she send you the one
where I stabbed him in the leg

with the pencil right after?

-You're unbelievable.
-Marco?

-No!
-Get off me!

Babe.

Bitch.

God.

I tried to tell you that
she's out of your league, bro.

Ugh! Fuck you, Estanley.

Everybody is in my league, man.

Alright? I'm not short.
I'm not tall either.

I'm good-looking.

I've made something of myself.

Listen, so is Alexis really sad?

She should be.

- I'm the best thing
she's ever had.

Is she angry?
Like "I'm gonna have
a revenge fuck with some rando

to get back at that
motherfucker" angry?

Or, or, or is she angry

like, "You know what?
Fuck Marco.

I'm gonna blow all his friends

because I'm
an independent woman."

What? That's--

She kissed him.

Why would she be mad?

Guys, guys.
What's with the questions?

We're just trying to figure out

if it's a good time
to ask her out now

or just wait a little bit.

You're cool with now?

Are you fucking kidding me?

-God!
-You two are supposed to be

on my side!

-Fucking son of a...
-Jesus.

-Calm down, man.
-...bitch.

-This is a brand new shirt,
you motherfucker.
-Jesus.

-Christ.
-Goddammit.

Alright.

You know what? The way I see it,

you must remember this.

A kiss is just a kiss.

A fly is just a fly. It--

Ah, fuck. How, how does it go?

The fuck are you saying?

Well, what I'm saying is
once you love her screw,

they still say "I love you."

And that's the shit, man.

That's totally the shit.

That's the shit.

I love her. I love her.

He's passed out.

-Let's sharpie his face
and his balls.
-Yeah.

- Did you bring
the sharpie?

Fuck.

Fuck.

Save me. Save me.

I'm the king. I'm the king.

Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

No.

Coffee like you like it.

How did you know I was here?

Estanley ordered pizza
from our pizza account.

Babe, I'm really sorry.

Samuel kissed me, but I swear
I didn't kiss him back.

You know what, Alexis?

I warned you that something
like this would happen.

But you ignored me.

So this is all your fault.

-I know.
-The divorce baiting,
sending me on a coffee date,

and then I get violated
at a pool party.

-What?
-Never mind.

You have trust issues, Alexis.

Your walls are up with me
and they won't come down.

And I feel that
that will never happen.

But I can handle knowing
that they may never come down,

but you not trusting me

and then you go out
and you kiss your ex.

Wow.

I need time alone.

Wait, babe.

Man, is he pissed at you.

Come in.

Hi. You busy?

Oh, hey, Debs. Come in.

Take a seat.

You know, I...

I just wanted to check on you,
so I brought you lunch.

Oh, wow.
That was very nice of you.

Shit, I guess it is lunch.

Yeah. Ahi Poke.

Are you serious?
That is my favorite.

You've always got my back.

It wasn't that hard, honestly.

You're posting
lots and lots of poke pics.

Poke pics.

Right.

Hey.

-About the video...
-Oh.

...I just want you to know
I was absolutely tortured

all night about it.

But I thought if it were me,
I would want to know.

So I had to send it.

Hm. I get it. I get it.

Well, you did the right thing.
Thank you.

And I'm sorry that you were
put through that.

And I'm sure it wasn't
an easy decision.

So thank you again.

-Okay.
-Right.

Oh, by any chance,
is there any sriracha?

Oh, uh, no.

That's okay. It's okay.

I always have extra
in the drawer here.

Ah, found some sriracha-- Jesus.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Debby.

Debby, what are you doing?

Hi, Becky.

Oh, you look so great today.

Is he in?

Oh, yes, Mrs. Laguna.

I'm sure he'll be happy
to see you.

Oh shit. Oh shit.
Come on. Come on.

Can you please hold his calls

and not let anyone disturb us?

-Sure thing.
-Thank you.

Hi, baby.

Hi. Oh, good.

You're closer to forgiving me.

Oh, we're good, baby.

Yeah.

Oh, we're good.

I see you have lunch.

Awesome. Because
I brought you dessert.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

I know you've been wanting me

to give you a little show.

Stay right there, baby.
Right there.

- I just--
I want to take it all in.

I want to look at you
for a moment.

Hey, girl.

Alexis, nothing happened.

Debby, tell her
I didn't do anything.

Oh shit. I didn't do anything.

Debby.

Why? Why?

Baby, what are you doing?

I knew it.

Knew what?

When your ex-wife's friends
reached out to you
after your divorce,

you could have said no,
but you didn't.

There are plenty of women
who would have slept with you.

Were you secretly
lusting after them

while you were married?

Baby, please stop doing this.

Stop doing this.

This is so messed up, Marco.

You asked me
to let my guard down.

You set us up for disaster.

You've always had
one foot out the door.

You have never let me in.

And this whole
divorce bait thing,

it wasn't that you just
couldn't trust your friends.

You couldn't trust me.
You never have.

So this is my fault?

-I didn't say that.
-I'm leaving.

I-- whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

This is ridiculous.
We're married, baby.

Diva still can't work,

and the company
really loved what I did.

They offered me a campaign.

I've already worked it out
with Emma's dad.

I'll be gone for three weeks.

Well, I'm so glad
that you worked this all out.

Uh, let me guess, is your ex
going to be there?

I shut that down, Marco.
He's not even an issue.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
You're gonna give all this up
for that jerk?

-Oh, stop being insecure.
-I'm not insecure.

That fucker ain't
got shit on me.

Oh yeah. Well,
at least he's never hurt me.

Neither have I, Alexis.

Fuck.

Hey, it's Alexis.
You know what to do.

Where are you, Alexis?

Why you do this all the time?

Marco.

You shouldn't leave
your back door open.

Weirdos can just walk right in.

Present company not excluded.

Marco. This is a mantervention.

-A what?
-We're intervening
on your hall pass

because we know
you're gonna fuck this up.

Take notes.

I-- I'm not
on a hall pass, guys.

Alright?
I don't want to see other women.

This is
every married man's dream.

Guys, this isn't a breakup.

You don't think she's out there
banging that stallion?

-I do.
-I wouldn't call him
a stallion.

While you sit here moping,

she's out there
riding him like a bull.

I bet he's pulling her hair.

-"Ah, Pull my hair."
-All of her hair.

-"Pull my hair, baby."
-Doing the stuff

you won't even dream of doing.

-Fuck stuff.
-All the--

Jesus, Bob.

What the hell's
your problem, man?

We're just trying
to help you get laid

before that window of
opportunity closes on you, man.

Shrinking and shrinking
and shrinking.

You gotta dive through
before it closes.

I don't want to get laid.

I don't think he does.

The best part is,
you can do it all

from the comfort
of your lumpy-ass couch.

What are you talking about?

Virtual dating, bro.

It's what you always said
you wish you got to do.

You don't even
got to touch a girl,

so you can do
all kinds of kinky stuff,

completely disease free.

Oh, wow, Bob.

-Mm.
-So you're saying
I can look at naked girls

-on my computer screen
without even touching them?
-Mm.

Man, I think
that's called jerking off.

-Yeah.
-It's a revolution in dating.

Oh, I remember my first
FaceTime fuck.

She had me do things that no one
else has ever made me do again.

Like what? Go on a real date?

No, like call her repeatedly

while her phone was on vibrate.

She wrapped that phone up
and made it disappear.

Oh, I had that bitch
on speed dial.

I'd call, stop, call, stop,

call, stop!

We're sorry. Your call cannot be
completed as dialed.

-Mm.
-Mm. Sounds magical.

Now, there are some things
you might have forgotten

since you're always jumping
from one marriage
directly into another.

I, I'd tell you to fuck off
if that weren't true.

You gotta remember,
the hotter that chick,
the crazier she's gonna be.

Come on, guys. This is bullshit.

Alexis is hot,
but she's not crazy.

She's just really insecure.

And she makes up things
in her mind

about people
that aren't true, and, um...

Shit, she's crazy.

- Go on.
- Okay.

We've taken the liberty

of creating you your very own
online dating profile.

What? That's my computer, man.
I've been looking
all over for it.

I took it off
your nightstand this morning.

By the way,
he is really an ugly sleeper.

Add that to the list. No
sleepovers after getting laid.

- No, no, no.
-But nonetheless, you are getting a ton of hits.

- I am?
- Hell yeah, bro.

You're a successful divorcée

who looks like one
of those high school teachers

who bangs all his students.

You're every woman's dream.

Yeah.

Sure.

All right. All right.

Heck, I'll try it.
But just not right now.

-All right?
-Okay.

-Yeah, all right.
-Yeah.

You'll see.
This is good for you.

You know, stress builds up

-in a man's nut sack.
-Yeah. Okay.

It has to just get out.

- Oh, great.
Thanks, doctor.
- Wait.

-Where are you going?
-You gonna finish this?

First my laptop, now my pizza?

You got anything else?

Get out of here.

Hey. Is the van not here yet?

Uh, nope.

Oh.

Look, uh, you're doing
a great job.

It's like riding a bike.
You never forget.

Yeah, but
I don't know how to ride a bike.

-First time I tried,
I broke my leg.
-How did I not know

that you didn't know
how to ride a bike?

I don't know.

Okay, you know what,
this is my new mission.

But first...

...I have something.
Give-- Give me a second.

- Okay? Wait for it.
- What?

You can trust Samuel.

Look, I'm not a total jerk.

Little bit of a jerk.
Not a total jerk.

I saw that you were sad.

And when you were sad,

when we were together, we...

...used to have
the most amazing makeup sex.

Okay, but not anymore.

But dancing used
to make you smile too.

May I?

- Come on.
- Okay.

- It's the van.
- Oh.

-Good.
-Yeah. All right. Um...

Uh, I'm gonna get my things.
All right.

Oh, shit.

How did you guys get in here?

Told you to lock your door.

-Marco, in just a moment...
-Hmm.

...you will begin
your virtual sex life.

You have a real fake date
with Cherry.

Wait, you mean right now?

-Now or never.
-Yeah.

- Later.
- Good luck, bro.

Wait, you two.
What are you doing?

I don't know
who the hell is this.

Get it.

What the--

Hello?

I'm here.

-Hey.
-Marco?

Uh, Cherry.

- Yeah, that's me.
- Hmm.

You look way better "in person."

-Thank you.
-You-- You're very pretty.

Oh, handsome and sweet.

Check and check.

Oh, you have a checklist.

Absolutely.

Well, this is
my first virtual date.

-No way.
-Hmm.

Cherry's popping your cherry.

Hey, do you wanna play a game?

Sure. What game?

Strip Two Truths and a Lie.

Okay, got it.

I'll guess first.

Let's see.
I've traveled to Japan.

I've traveled to Amsterdam.

And I've traveled to Spain.

I think you've traveled
to Spain and Amsterdam.

Wrong. I've always wanted
to travel to Amsterdam.

Okay. Well, here I go.

Whoa.

-Geez.
-My turn.

I play guitar.

I play with dolls.

I play with myself.

Um, I'm gonna go
with the guitar and yourself.

Wrong!

Say hi to James and Ann.

Oh, that's... interesting.

Oh, you're serious.
You want me....

Hi, James. Hi, Ann.

You lose, Marco.

Take something off.

Oh, nice pecs.

Are you a dirty boy, Marco?

Excuse me? Cherry?

James is talking to you, Marco.

Aren't you going to answer him?

Oh, yes, James.

I... Okay.
Oh, my....

Li-- Listen, uh, Cherry.

You seem really nice, but this--

-Rub your nipples for me.
-What?

No, I don't.
Look-- You know what?

This was fun but I'm gonna--

James wants to go
into the deep cave.

Okay, here we go.

Switch to his wet suit.
Yes.

Oh, imagine this was your face

and it was going
into my deep cave.

-Your what?
-Here he goes,

spelunking into my deep cavern.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

It's so dark in here and humid.

Um, listen, listen,
I, I haven't spelunked anyone
but my wife in four years

-and I just, I think I gotta go.
-What?

You said you were divorced.

Yes. From my ex-wife.
But my new wife,

I mean, my,
my current wife and I...

- Cherry!
- ...we're going--

Cherry! Are you in there again?

-Dinner's ready.
-Jeez, Grandma!

I'm on a frigging date!
I am not hungry.

Oh, I hope he's a nice boy!

No, Grandma, he's not.

He's just another liar,
like Grandpa!

Well, don't make a mess
in there again!

You know what, Grandma?
I will have that dinner.

I'm wasting my time here.

Whoa.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You're watching this?

Get out of here.

- What the heck are you up to,
Samuel Gray Junior?

I told you I had a mission.

-I rented bikes.
-I see that.

I did.

And the only way
to get them back

is if you and I,
we ride them back to the store.

Yeah, if I break my wrist,

-I will kill you.
-You won't break your wrist.

- Come on. You can trust me.
- Can I?

Ish. Trust me, ish.

Okay. Well, listen.
This is a helmet.

Okay? Safety first.

-No, let me clasp it.
I got it. I got it.
-But my hair.

I know. It's okay.
It's just hair.

-Ow!
-What?

- Just kidding.
- No. Don't do that yet.

-I haven't even put you
on a bike yet. Okay. Okay.
-It's fine. It's fine. I had to.

This, darling, is a bicycle.

-Okay.
-Okay? Okay.

All right. So listen,
the brake here is everything.

If you feel like
you're losing control,
you put your feet down...

-...you press the brake.
-All right.

-Repeat.
-F-- Foot down, press the brake.

-Got it.
-Beautiful. Okay.

- Foot on pedal.
- Okay.

-Come on,
you can do this. Okay?
-Okay. All right. Mm-hmm.

-All right. I'm gonna count.
-Okay.

-One.
-Two.

Go.

-I got scared. Sorry.
-But you have to let go

-of the brake.
-All right.

-You got this. Okay?
-All right.

-Yeah.
-All right.

-I'm gonna push now.
-All right.

All right. Go.

- Oh, my God. You're doing it.
- Oh, my God.

-Ah! Oh, my God.
-You got this, Alexis. Straight.
No, no, no.

Straight, straight, straight.
Straight, straight.

- Remember what I said.
You got this, okay?

-Oh, my God.
-Yep?

-I'm doing it.
-Yes.

Yes. It's like drinking

-a Coca-Cola. Right?
-Wait.

-Oh, my God, I'm doing it.
-Yeah, you are.

-I'm doing it.
-I'm right here watching.

I'm right here watching.
Look at that.

-Are you holding me?
-No, no, no. Yeah.

-Oh, my God.
-Yeah, no, I'm holding you.

-Wait, wait.
-No, I'm holding you.

I'm not holding you!

I'm not holding you.

Yes! You're doing it.

- Oh, my--
That was fucking great.

Are you okay, Alexis?

-Yeah.
-Oh, that's fine.

A bush in your face
never hurt, huh?

- I hate bushes in my face.
- I know you do.

You got this.

Remember what I told you, okay?

- Ah, ah.
- Oh!

You know, you're
actually a pretty good teacher.

Uh, I'm actually a better rider.

Yeah. Let me show you
some tricks.

Hey, Allie, you rolling?

Yeah, I got-- I got you, okay.

Watch this.

- Oh.
- I'm okay.

-Okay.
-Keep rolling.

All right, I'm rolling...

Oh.

S-- Samuel, uh...

I think you're bleeding.

No, I'm not bleeding.

Oh, shoot. I'm bleeding.

But I'm okay. No, no, no.

I have just one move
I wanna show you.

Keep rolling the camera, Allie.

-Keep rolling the camera.
-Oh.

O-- Okay. Yeah.

- Oh, God.
- Ah, ah.

-You okay?
-Oh, oh.

I'm good.

I'm good. I'm good.

Oh. Oh.

Stupid bike.

bike reading.

♪ We know we know ♪

♪ Our world will change ♪

♪ Fork in the road ♪

You know,
being sad makes you frown,

and frowning gives you wrinkles.

Better.

I'm sorry your job
got cut short.

Yeah. Samuel
not only got a concussion,

a broken tooth,
but he also fractured his leg

and his coccyx bone.

-You broke the boy's dick?
-No.

His butt bone.

He's such a show-off.
I had forgotten about that.

I was so distracted
by his blue eyes,

- I forgot how self-centered he is.
- -Wrinkles.

If Marco and I
split permanently,

I'm gonna have to tell Emma
I'm gonna get another divorce.

You know you don't really want
to divorce Marco, baby,

but your ego
is getting in the way.

-Why don't you tell me
how you really feel?
-You don't honestly believe

Miss I Showed Everyone
My Titties At Lunch

was really Marco's fault?

That bitch puts fucks
before friends.

And he's successful,
loyal, and sort of good-looking.

Shit, your post
put out the bat signal

for all them bitches.

Why didn't you tell me
this a month ago?

Would you have listened?

You weren't ready.

And I really wanted you
to take the job.

I knew you and Marco
would be okay.

Marco will forgive you, baby.

You'll think of something.

Hey, give me
another bottle, ladies.

I know what we're
trying to do here.

Okay.

I deserve that.

Tracey accidentally
included me on the group text
for the nail party.

I came here
to apologize for lying

and posting that Marco and I
were divorcing.

I was really sad, Alexis.

I ate a pint of ice cream
every night

and gained, like, ten pounds.

- It's okay.
You still look great.

I'm so sorry.

You all may not
know this, but...

...I have trust issues.

We know.

Oh. Okay.

Look.

I'm on my second marriage.
All right?

And I'm fucking up big time.

I'm making
all the same mistakes.

And now I've pushed
you all away.

I'm really sorry.

Can you please forgive me?

Of course we can forgive you.

I'm sorry too.

I mean, we've all acted
a little crazy

at some point or another.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

We heard about Debby.

And we all unfriended
that bitch.

-Yes.
-Oh yeah.

My girls.

Ladies...

...I need your help
with something.

-Hmm.
-But first...

...let's get fucked up.

-Cheers.
-I missed you bitches so much.

-Come on.
-This is just what you need

to get your mind off things.
You'll see.

The bumping music,
the sexy bodies, the libations.

-It's my element.
-I thought your element

was more the, uh,
tomato sauce and cheese vibe.

- I am a man of many tastes.
- -Hmm.

Marco, when you walk
through that curtain...

...your life
will effectively change.

- All of your dreams
are about to come true.

Damn, didn't work.
I'm still here.

Cute. Come on.

Guys, nobody's here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no.

This is not one of your online
dating scheme disasters.

-I-- I can't be put through that
again, guys.
-No, no, no.

- No, I'm not-- I don't wanna
do that again. Please!

Welcome to
Alexis' Lingerie Fashion show.

Marco, will you please...

...take your seat?

Okay.

- How long did you guys
know about this?

-Mm-hmm.
-Huh?

The most important job
a friend has...

Is helping out his homie.

-Wow.
-The first out tonight

is Tina La Cochina.

Whoo!

Oh, Jesus.

No need to worry, Marco.

Alexis has invited Tina.

Your bride wants you to know
that she knows

that temptation is everywhere,

but she trusts you.

Hi, Marco.

Hi, Tina.

-Oh, whoa.
-Miss Tina is wearing

the trashiest thing
in her closet,

provided for her
by her last conquest

before he dumped her
for the nanny.

Fuck you,
baby daddy number three.

Tina. All right.

- Whoo!
- And here we have Julia.

She chose this piece
because it's the lingerie

her soon-to-be ex-husband

provided for the woman
with whom he's cheating.

She slashed it
with a box cutter,

but she lost so much weight
from the affair,

she fits into it now.

Why let it go to waste?

-Hi, Bob.
-Looking hot, baby.

- Yeah.
- Yes!

And we have Estanley.

Oh, Estanley is here
to remind us

that all shapes and sizes
can be sexy.

Just add a little confidence

and even you can pull
this outfit off.

All right. Okay.
Enough, Estanley.

- Enough.
- Yeah. Go, Estanley.

Are you a dirty boy, Estanley?

Yes, I am.

-Do you--
-She completes me.

Are you c--

Bob, that's the one--

- Yeah.
- The one-- Oh, Jesus.

Here we have Miss Beach,

who is a school teacher by day

-and a naughty girl by night.
-Yes.

Oh.

I teach the hardest lessons
after school.

I bet you do, Barbie.
I bet you do.

I got a hard lesson for you.

Next we have Natalie and Tracey.

Remember, Marco, you can look,
but you can't touch.

You should only be dipping your
biscotti into Alexis's coffee.

- Oh, my biscotti.
- Yeah.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

- Hi, Marco.
- Oh, hi, how are you?

- Ooh. Biscotti.
- Tracey.

-Oh.
-Okay.

And now the moment
you've all been waiting for.

I present to you

Mrs. Alexis Laguna.

Baby

Baby, baby, baby.

- I've missed you
so much.

I missed you, too.
I missed you, too.

Oh, my God.

Who gave those to you?

Who gave them to you?
Bob, did you--

Get over here.

-I'm sorry.
I acted like an idiot.
-You did.

And I love you for it.

Baby, divorce brought you to me
and me to you.

No matter what shit
comes our way,

I wanna work
through it with you.

I'm not good at that.

I know.

And sometimes my insecurities
get the best of me.

Oh.

I know that too.

I wanted to show you that

-temptation will
always be around.
-Mm-hmm.

But I've realized that
if I want to stay married...

...it's got to be
about our relationship.

I trust you...

...and you make me happy.

Do I make you happy?

Absolutely.

You're crazy. You know that?

Oh yeah.

But I prefer your brand

of crazy over anybody else's.

I choose you.

One more thing.

What?

Champagne.

I'm so happy
you two are back together.

-Champagne, sir.
-Thank you.

And a grape juice for you.

Thank you.

Grape juice, baby?

I won't be drinking
for the next seven months.

Why-- Why is-- Why?

Are you-- D--

Are we pregnant?

Oh, my God, baby.

We're having a baby!

What?

Oh, my God!

Hey, hey!

Can you believe this?

This is amazing.

This is amazing.

Yeah!

- Hell yeah.
- Check them out.

Well, you know,
I figure, A, a divorced man

has already gotten
all of his cheating out of him

and, B, I don't want kids.

I saw what they did
to my mom's vagina.

- Ugh.
- How did you kn--

No, I'm not gonna be
touching that one.

Yeah. Neither did my dad.

That's why he cheated.

Oh, you like cars, huh?

Yeah, sure.

Do you prefer
a straight-six or a V8?

- Oh, I'm kind of allergic
to tomato juice.

-All natural here.
-What? Bravo.

Wait. Do you want to touch them?

-I would.
-Okay.

Okay.

I think they are real.

-They're very real.
-Is the other one real?

No, just-- just the left one

-actually.
-Hey.

Let's go somewhere else. This--

I, I wanna get a tea bag.

-I'm sure you do.
-Hey, you get it?

-Don't-- Don't listen to him.
Come on.
-A tea bag, bro.

-Come on.
-You get it, right?

- Tea bag.
- Stop.

Tea bag. You guys know
what I'm saying.

-Right?
-What are you? Two? Come on.

Tea bag. He gets it.

Please let me be called.

I hate being called last like
in fucking sports my whole life.

Being the chubby kid
in gym class,

the chubby kid at softball.

I hated that.