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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:19,120 AUTOMATED VOICE: You have reached your final destination. 2 00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:30,360 Owl! 3 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,360 THUD AND TYRES SCREECH 4 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,480 ENGINE CRANKS Come on, come on, come on, come on! 5 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,320 Augh! 6 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:53,880 Oh. 7 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,520 SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS 8 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:08,720 Oh, good. I'm cleaning a creepy mansion. 9 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,760 HE SIGHS 10 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,600 LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS 11 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,680 Hello? 12 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,720 Anyone there? 13 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,360 THREE BLIND MICE PLAYS CREEPILY 14 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,200 HE INHALES 15 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:17,240 Hello? It's just the cleaner. 16 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,880 Hello? 17 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,160 CLATTERING 18 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,240 THEY BOTH YELL 19 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,440 This has got four different chemicals in it. 20 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,280 One spray of this, you'll have a face like a plate of surf 'n' turf. 21 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,560 There is no violence in this heart. 22 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,760 You startled me is all. What's that in your hand? 23 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,800 This is a shard of a Himalayan rock salt. 24 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,320 The other hand? This is an indigenous woodwind instrument. 25 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,360 DEEP BELLOWING 26 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,800 Right. Both could be used as a weapon, 27 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,840 but I can see you've got no upper body strength. 28 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,720 None at all. Move forward. Slowly! 29 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,200 Why are you here? 30 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,160 I'm asking the questions. 31 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,960 Sorry, continue. 32 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,840 Why are YOU here? 33 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,600 I am a shaman. 34 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,160 I have been charged with escorting a soul from purgatory 35 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,320 to a peaceful plain. 36 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,760 What are you, a squatter? 37 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,360 No, I live in a yurt. 38 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:36,840 Huh, squat in the grass. 39 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,760 Why have you flooded this place with negative chi? 40 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,160 I'm here to clean. 41 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,520 They told me it'd be empty. 42 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,000 This house is far from empty. 43 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,400 Oh, yeah, I need you today, don't I? 44 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,480 Who requested your presence here? Oh. 45 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,560 Don't know. My boss just sends me to do a job. 46 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,480 Probably why I wasn't warned there was an extra 47 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,920 from Lord Of The Rings here. Who are you? 48 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,040 I am Dan Mancoocoomum. 49 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,480 What? 50 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,960 Dan Mancoocoomum. 51 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,200 That's your name? Yeah. Dan Mancoocoomum. 52 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,040 And that's on your passport, is it? Similar. 53 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,680 That's not your real name, is it? Reality is merely a construct. 54 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,200 What's on your birth certificate? 55 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,360 Dan Watson. Jackpot. 56 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,320 Something to refresh before your journey home. Eh? 57 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,080 I'm not going anywhere. 58 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,640 Well, I can't work with a cynical presence. 59 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,320 You'll have to leave. Now, you listen to me. 60 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,800 I am going to clean. A homeless person died here, right? 61 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,960 A lost soul took shelter here, yes. 62 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,480 He needs help crossing from this temporal strife 63 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,600 to a place where time is meaningless. 64 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,440 For that, he'll need more than a cleaner. 65 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,640 A crime scene cleaner. 66 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,720 Hmm. Why am I justifying myself to you, fox head? Who sent you here? 67 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,480 The new owners engaged me to guide this spirit to his rest. 68 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,520 WHISTLING 69 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,200 Maybe I'm just overtired. Maybe I'm imagining you. 70 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,120 What the...? 71 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,320 What is that? Mugwort. 72 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,120 Mate, that is the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. 73 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,320 And I was runner-up in a welk-eating contest. 74 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,800 FYI, the winner died. 75 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,080 Finish the tea. 76 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,160 And then leave the cleaning to those with a higher purpose. 77 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,800 Look, I don't need this, mate. 78 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,000 Before the day even started, 79 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,560 I crashed my van cos I hit an owl, so... 80 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,240 Wait. Did you just say an owl? 81 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,480 Yes. 82 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:41,920 You should leave. 83 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,360 WHISTLING 84 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,360 Stop doing that. 85 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,120 You clearly don't know the significance 86 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:47,960 of a collision with an owl. No, I don't. 87 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,680 Because they didn't offer GCSE Horseshit when I was at school. 88 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,440 What became of it? 89 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,880 What? I don't know. 90 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,159 It smashed off the windscreen, I presume it's dead. 91 00:05:56,159 --> 00:05:57,640 Sort of bounced off. 92 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,080 Bounced? 93 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,360 You have to go back. 94 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,160 Yeah, I do. To get my stuff. 95 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,600 You must locate the owl. 96 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,440 It must not be left in pain. 97 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:06,920 You have to finish it. 98 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,280 What?! 99 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,560 You go back if you're so keen on roadkill mercy. 100 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,240 It's probably how you got your hat. 101 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,040 Go and get yourself an owl glove as well. 102 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,400 I'll clean up while you're gone. 103 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,680 No, I can't leave this place until my work here is done. Right. 104 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,040 So you get to sit around sipping hot mystic piss 105 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,000 while I go and murder an owl with a shovel. 106 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,040 I didn't say anything about a shovel. 107 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,320 The most humane thing to do would be... 108 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,880 It's an owl, mate. 109 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,560 I'll be there all day. 110 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,360 Gross. 111 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,360 Well, that's going in a skip for a start. 112 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,840 No physical objects may leave this space. Eh? 113 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,120 Look, how long do you need? 114 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,440 Depends. Right, best-case scenario. 115 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,680 20 mins. Oh, worst? 116 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,400 21 days. 117 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,360 OK. Enough. 118 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,960 I am not going to hang around while you dance around the room 119 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,000 with your nads out, or whatever it is you do. 120 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,560 You've got the time it takes me to go back to the van. 121 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,400 HE HUMS 122 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,640 Argh! Oh, oh, oh! 123 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,200 Oooooohhh! 124 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,560 Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes, please! 125 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,000 Meow! 126 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,000 WICKY CHUCKLES 127 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,040 I'm sorry. There's nothing funny 128 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,080 about ushering the spirits of the dead 129 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,720 to their final place of rest. 130 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,240 There are some funny things about it. 131 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,680 HE HUMS 132 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,640 CLACKING 133 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,120 I'm going back to the van. 134 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,200 Chant and click faster. 135 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,480 Hey! Sacred sage from the Mojave Desert. 136 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,080 And? For your van. 137 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,960 Mate, it needs a mechanic and a panel beater, not a... 138 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,040 ..big herb. Burn the sage. 139 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,840 Extinguish despair, and chant these words. 140 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:14,280 Hey-ey-ey-ey, mingala. 141 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,240 You may then drive your van once more. 142 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,480 It's a traditional wolf chant. Is it? 143 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,720 Do you see this? Yeah, I've noticed it. 144 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,840 Foxes are a conduit to wisdom. 145 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,680 Foxes wake me up by shagging in bins. 146 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,640 WICKY SIGHS 147 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,919 CLACKING 148 00:08:32,919 --> 00:08:34,960 SHAMAN CHANTS 149 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,240 OWL HOOTS 150 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,400 ENGINE CRANKS 151 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,560 Come on. Go on! 152 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,600 ENGINE CRANKS Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on! 153 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,600 Hey, mingala. 154 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,640 Hey, hey, mingala. 155 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,520 CHANTING: Hey, hey, mingala. 156 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,720 ENGINE STARTS 157 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,800 Shut up! 158 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,760 POP MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE 159 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,080 # Sweet like chocolate, boy 160 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,480 # Sweet like chocolate 161 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,760 # You bring me so much joy 162 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,160 # Sweet like chocolate... # 163 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,200 MUSIC STOPS AND SHAMAN CHANTS 164 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,040 Oh, that's funny. 165 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,000 I could've sworn I heard Sweet Like Chocolate 166 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,840 by Shanks & Bigfoot. 167 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,400 Your van started, didn't it? Look... 168 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,640 Are you done, or what? I need to get on. 169 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,560 Don't fight it, feel it. 170 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,920 Mate, I don't want to be here all night. 171 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,520 I have a spiritual conduit to build. 172 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,800 I'll leave you to potter around 173 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,240 in the shallow waters of human consciousness. 174 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,560 Hmm. Who said that? 175 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,080 Was it Shanks or Bigfoot? 176 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,200 Your sadness is a heavy burden to carry. 177 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,920 You are so smug. 178 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,640 What did you have for breakfast, did you have a bowl of... 179 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,400 ..smug? Hmm. 180 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,040 Ah! Smug of coffee. 181 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,240 Yeah! 182 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,800 TROPICAL HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS 183 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:51,480 No! 184 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,520 And what are you going to do with them? 185 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:58,840 Liberate them. 186 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,320 If you take their earthly life, 187 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,080 you condemn them to a spiritual halfway house. 188 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,120 FLY BUZZES 189 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,240 Oh! 190 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,040 I need to get on, mate. 191 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,560 I trust you will bury this little one. Yeah, yeah. 192 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,360 What's that? 193 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:31,440 A lemongrass root. 194 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,280 Have a Penguin, mate, for God's sake. 195 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,720 Mm. 196 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,320 Do you get paid for all this, then? 197 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,360 Money is meaningless to me. 198 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,600 Yes, I'm sure. Go on, tell me. I'll tell you. 199 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:43,840 £450. 200 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,400 What?! 201 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,040 For that? 202 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,280 Are you joking?! 203 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,400 How much do you get paid? 204 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,520 I'm not telling you. 205 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,800 But more, because it's real. 206 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,080 You're irritated by people 207 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,280 with an alternative belief system, aren't you? 208 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,320 Look, I'm sorry, mate. 209 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,000 I just think it's all made up. 210 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,640 By who? 211 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,320 By people who need to believe it. 212 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,560 Chatted to any ghosts yet? 213 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,760 Perhaps you might believe your own eyes. 214 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,200 Perhaps I should make contact. 215 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,320 With a spooky tramp? 216 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,480 He is one of the spirits here. 217 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,440 Let us see whom can be summoned. 218 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,480 RATTLING 219 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,840 DINGING 220 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,120 Is that the homeless guy? 221 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,960 Is that him, in the photo? 222 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,160 That is a photograph of the deceased. 223 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:41,360 I sometimes find it can help speed up connection. 224 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,480 Yeah, I know that problem. 225 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,120 My Wi-Fi slows down after ten because the neighbour's watching 226 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,600 conspiracy theory videos. 227 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,720 We share the same router. 228 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,720 I'm stealing my neighbour's internet. 229 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,720 Do you know, I've never admitted that before. 230 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,760 Maybe you are magic. 231 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,800 RATTLING 232 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,760 HE WAILS 233 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,920 Hello. 234 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,960 Would you like to come through? 235 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,640 Oh, come on. 236 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,160 Hello, duck. 237 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,880 Muriel here. 238 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,800 I was a housekeeper here in 1872. 239 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,600 Hard work, it was. 240 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,520 The mangle broke and, you see, the rollers weren't as close together 241 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,960 as they should've been and they didn't wring out the water 242 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,000 as much as they should have. Told the master, 243 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,080 but he said I'd have to make do. 244 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,680 Anyway, nice talking to you. 245 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:43,960 Ta-ra. 246 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,160 Thanks, Muriel. Goodbye. 247 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,800 Is that it? 248 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,600 Muriel came from the spirit world 249 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:57,440 just to tell you about her knackered mangle from 150 years ago? 250 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,960 Clearly it still rankles. Mate, I've got to get on. 251 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,320 RASPY BREATHS 252 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,120 HIGH-PITCHED: # Three blind mice 253 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:13,120 # Three blind mice. # 254 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,200 Hello, who's there? 255 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,800 HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: This is Sebastian. 256 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,880 I'm the third and youngest son of Clarence and Julie. 257 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,160 Julie? For God's sake. 258 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,720 Yes, Mummy. 259 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,680 She was very upset when I got TB. 260 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:31,880 HE COUGHS I had to go to the sanatorium 261 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,880 for a while, but they could do no more for me. 262 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,640 HE COUGHS 263 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,640 So I had to come back here 264 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,880 for my final days. 265 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,840 REGULAR VOICE: Sebastian? HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Yes. 266 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,480 Do you see that light? 267 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,840 Yes, it's very bright, isn't it? 268 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,720 Yes, Sebastian. 269 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,360 Now, I need you to walk towards that light 270 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,240 and then you will be reunited with your mummy. 271 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,640 Oh, I see. That's very nice. 272 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,880 Thanks a lot. All the best. 273 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,120 Goodbye. 274 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,440 HE SIGHS AND PANTS 275 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,120 Mate, can I hire you? 276 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,560 The lads down the pub would love this. 277 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,040 I've got to get on. 278 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,520 Ooh. If my nan swings by, 279 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,800 can you ask her where the keys to the garage are? 280 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,840 I want to get that mower sold. 281 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,800 I've just received a message from the other side. 282 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,840 You shouldn't be here. Oh. 283 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,160 This has got to stop. 284 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,600 You're a negative presence. 285 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,240 The owl was a sign. I should've known. 286 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,520 Look, mate. The game's up. I know you're not a shaman. 287 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,560 I heard you listening to Sweet Like Chocolate 288 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:11,800 by Shanks & Bigfoot. 289 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,040 Can't a shaman enjoy Shanks & Bigfoot? 290 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,119 Oh. 291 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,119 SHAMAN SNIFFS 292 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:19,440 What are you doing? 293 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,960 Your aura. 294 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,160 Please stop sniffing my aura. 295 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,280 It bears the heavy stench of regret. 296 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,400 You distress the spirits in this place. 297 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,760 If you are to stay, I must cleanse you. 298 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,040 What do you need to do? 299 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,480 Using my hands on your body, 300 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,320 I will deliver good energy while simultaneously 301 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,240 extracting any negative vibrations. 302 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,360 Like reiki. Yeah, it is. It is a bit like reiki. 303 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,200 Right. This way? 304 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,640 HE GROANS 305 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,240 Close your eyes. 306 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,520 Is this too intimate? Just get on with it. 307 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,880 You've had your appendix out. 308 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,000 I have, actually. 309 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,040 You can just sense that? Sh, sh, sh, sh. 310 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,240 SHAMAN HUMS 311 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,920 RASPY GROANS 312 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:21,800 Ah! 313 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,840 Someone doesn't want you here. 314 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,440 Yeah, me. I don't want me here. 315 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,440 RASPING 316 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,080 Keith. 317 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,840 Welcome, Keith. 318 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,160 Who are you talking to? 319 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,080 I don't know anyone called Keith. 320 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:42,640 Is that Keith Patterson? 321 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,880 Hang on! 322 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,880 I do know someone called Keith Patterson. 323 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,920 From when I was a kid. 324 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,960 From school? Yeah. 325 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:55,880 That's Keith! 326 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,040 Keith's the dead homeless guy. 327 00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,480 Ah. 328 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:00,960 Weasel's put you up to this. 329 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,160 This is a wind-up. 330 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:06,080 Keith says he remembers you from school. 331 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,920 But that you didn't call him 332 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,320 Keith Patterson then. 333 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,120 Oh, no. 334 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,640 He used to wet himself all the time, 335 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,200 so we called him Pissy Patterson. 336 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,120 Peepee Patterson. 337 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,200 Urine Geller. Slash. 338 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,840 The Lemonade-Trousered Kid. 339 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,120 Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, Patterson's pissed himself. 340 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,520 Wee Willie Tinkle. Duck-billed platy-piss. 341 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,360 Pissy Hynde. Packet of pissps. 342 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,040 Quentin Pissp. 343 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,800 Father Pissmas. Sh. 344 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,760 Piss Akabusi. 345 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,400 Henry Pissinger. 346 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,920 Packet of custard cream piss-cuits. 347 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,560 I just made that one up. 348 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,160 Why did you bait the child so? 349 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,720 Oh. I don't know, we just... 350 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,920 This is ridiculous. As if you're speaking to him. 351 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,480 Are you OK? 352 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,160 Yeah. 353 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,240 Just really sad, innit? What happens in some people's lives. 354 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,880 Did you know him a long time? 355 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,640 Yeah. I was at schools with him, he was even in my Cub pack. 356 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,760 He was a big fan of Shakin' Stevens. 357 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,920 Good friends? 358 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,080 With Shaky? 359 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,320 I've never met him. 360 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,600 I think he lives in Wales. 361 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,600 Ah, he was a good lad. 362 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,800 Used to get into fits of giggles. 363 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,920 We'd tickle him and make him laugh and he'd go off like a soda stream. 364 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,160 The last thing I remember was 365 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,840 we were in a school production of The Wizard Of Oz together. 366 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,440 I was the Scarecrow and he was the Tinman. 367 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,480 Keith was really nervous. 368 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,600 And Matt Bainbridge, who was the Cowardly Lion, 369 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,640 he was trying to make him laugh, you know? 370 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,560 "Pull my finger," and all that. 371 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,960 Well, that's when it started. 372 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,040 It was just a trickle at first. 373 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,760 But then it got stronger and louder. 374 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,600 You can imagine in that costume. I mean, it was made of tin. 375 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,040 It sounded like someone was filling a watering can up. 376 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,560 All the kids started laughing, and... 377 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,360 ..Keith stopped. 378 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,720 Laughing? 379 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:23,960 And pissing. 380 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,320 Now it all makes sense. 381 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,320 Eh? 382 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,720 What makes sense? 383 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,280 The negative energy, I told you. 384 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,000 If you died and were trying to cross to the other side, 385 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,560 would you want to do it in front of the man who routinely 386 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,400 humiliated you? 387 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,960 Poor Keith Patterson. 388 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,880 Keith, Keith Patterson? 389 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,560 Is that you? 390 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,920 Stop it. He's here. 391 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,680 He wants to speak to you. Well, good luck with that, 392 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,520 because I remember exactly how he speaks. 393 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,560 High-pitched voice and a lisp. Off you go. 394 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,320 He says he doesn't want to talk through me. 395 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,320 Oh, really? 396 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,760 He's shy. A shy ghost? 397 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,960 You've got some front, I'll give you that. 398 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,720 Is your name Paul Wickstead? 399 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,520 Yes. 400 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,600 Oh. Well done for being able to read. 401 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,760 Wicky. 402 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,920 He says you preferred to be called Wicky? 403 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,920 I never told you that. He did. 404 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,000 Bloody hell. He says... 405 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,520 "How would you like to have been known as the piss-trict nurse?" 406 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,720 I'd forgotten that one. It is a good one, isn't it? 407 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,880 You lit a touchpaper that led to a life of problems. 408 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,040 No! I'm afraid so, Wicky. 409 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,920 Come, talk to him. 410 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,840 GASPING 411 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,200 Keith, I... No. 412 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,920 To him. 413 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,680 Keith, we... 414 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,840 I thought we were just having a laugh. 415 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,360 Because you were always laughing. 416 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,760 I didn't really stop to think how it made you feel. 417 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,960 It was wrong. 418 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:24,720 Oh, God. Even putting that cowpat under your pillow at Cub camp. 419 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,440 He says he didn't know about the cowpat. Damn it! 420 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,440 But that he forgives you. 421 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,800 For everything. 422 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,680 He says he'd really like you to attend his funeral. 423 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,400 Oh, OK, I can do that. 424 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,240 And he'd really like you to organise the wake. 425 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,520 He'd like a party at his homeless shelter. 426 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:47,520 Sorry, what? He says he'd like a big send-off with all his friends. 427 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,800 White tablecloths, candles on the tables. OK. 428 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:51,880 A free bar. 429 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,760 Is that a good idea at a homeless shelter? 430 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,560 And a Shakin' Stevens tribute act. 431 00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,640 OK. 432 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,880 Can you tell him I'll do my best? 433 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,520 And also... Oh, sorry. 434 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,160 He said he's got to go now, actually. 435 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,760 Yeah, but could you just tell him... Yeah, sorry. Keith! 436 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,080 Keith? 437 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:10,760 Walk towards the light. 438 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,800 If you have to go, go. 439 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,600 It's better now than on the journey. 440 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,360 Yeah, if you can hold it. 441 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,120 OK. 442 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,760 There you go. 443 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,400 And you're through. 444 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,360 What... What happened? 445 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,560 Just a bit of cramp. 446 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,200 Oh, yeah. 447 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,600 So, you're all right for the 16th? 448 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,480 Yeah. 449 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,600 No, I'm going to get Mervyn to do one of his curries. 450 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:49,160 Yeah, yeah. I want white tablecloths, candles, the lot. 451 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,200 All right. Nice one. 452 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:52,840 Ta-ra. 453 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,360 Oh. 454 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:59,200 All right? You're off, then? Yeah. 455 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,360 Going to meet some friends. Right. 456 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:02,840 What, at Stonehenge, or something? 457 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,200 Zizzi's. 458 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,520 Shamans have to eat. Oh. 459 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,640 And he definitely got through, yeah? 460 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,120 Keith is at peace now. Mm. 461 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,520 It was nice to meet you, Paul. 462 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,400 Wicky. Wicky. 463 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,680 Nice to meet you, Dan Watson. 464 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,240 BEEPING 465 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,440 ENGINE STARTS 466 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,760 MUSIC: Sweet Like Chocolate by Shanks & Bigfoot 467 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:51,480 # You're sweet like chocolate, boy 468 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:53,600 # Sweet like chocolate... # 469 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,440 CAR HORN TOOTS 470 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,960 # You bring me so much joy 471 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,240 # Sweet like chocolate... # 472 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,680 Ugh! 473 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,160 SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS 474 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,240 SHAMAN: Hello, duck. 475 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,440 It's Muriel here. 476 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,080 This is Sebastian. 477 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,640 I've got TB. 478 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,640 HE COUGHS 479 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:44,040 I'm the third and youngest son of Clarence and Julie. 480 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,840 Is that Keith Patterson? 481 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,840 He says you preferred to be called Wicky? 482 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,000 MUSIC: You Drive Me Crazy by Shakin' Stevens 483 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,840 # You know, baby, when you're in my arms 484 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,840 # I can feel your loving magic charms 485 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,120 # You drive me crazy 486 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,920 # You drive me crazy 487 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:48,240 # And when I'm looking in those eyes 488 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,240 # I start a-floating round in paradise 489 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,840 # You drive me crazy 490 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,480 # You drive me crazy... # 491 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,400 OWL HOOTS 492 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,520 # I love you, baby, and it's plain to see 493 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,600 # I love you, honey It was meant to be 494 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,960 # You drive me crazy 495 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,680 # You drive me crazy 496 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,760 # You drive me crazy 497 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,760 # You drive me crazy. # 55351

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