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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,280 All right? 2 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,000 You the cleaner? No, I'm Bill Clinton. 3 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,360 All right. I've been told to wait for the cleaner. 4 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,320 I am the cleaner. 5 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,720 I needed a hobby after the scandal. 6 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:46,960 Where do I go? 7 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,680 Lovely. 8 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,520 Mind your head. 9 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,400 Oh, right. 10 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,080 Quite a mess, isn't it? 11 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,360 Welcome, I am Mr Abahassine. 12 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,440 Hello. What the hell happened? 13 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,960 Rather a large and out-of-control crowd fight, I fear. 14 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,560 A crowd fight? At a play? 15 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,200 What was the play? Was it... 16 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,080 ..Rocky? Was that a play first? 17 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,960 Do you know, I've just realised I don't know the name of one play? 18 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,080 Would that it was a play that they were watching, dear fellow. 19 00:01:56,759 --> 00:01:59,120 Strippers? 20 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,920 Well, what are strippers doing at the theatre? 21 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:07,040 One does what one must in order to ensure the survival of the theatre. 22 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,800 DOOR CLOSES 23 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,800 Selina! 24 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:13,200 Selina, run and turn on the espresso machine. 25 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,880 Our friend here must be parched. The wha? 26 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:20,280 The hissy, steamy machine that you burnt your finger on yesterday! 27 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:21,920 Kills. 28 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,720 Hard to find the staff out here in the sticks. 29 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:34,320 Yes. I'm not one to judge, but she does seem to be... 30 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,200 ..a miserable shit. 31 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,120 I don't think she's yet developed her passion for the theatre, 32 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,440 or for anything else at all. 33 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:47,760 We cannot know what our place is in this great tapestry of life. 34 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,680 So true. When I was her age, I... 35 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,760 ..I thought I'd be a kung fu master. 36 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,200 We all find our place eventually. 37 00:02:55,200 --> 00:03:00,000 Yeah, fine. But for the record, I still intend to be a kung fu master. 38 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,160 ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: Do what you can being who you are, 39 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,320 shine like a glow-worm 40 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,000 if you can't be a star. 41 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,320 Ah. Well, I like that! 42 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,800 Oh, yeah. That'll give me inspiration to clean up... 43 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,680 What did you say happened here, a fight? 44 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:23,079 I think the Donkey Boyz brought up the temperature too soon. 45 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:27,240 Ten minutes in, we had a 40-woman brawl. 46 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:32,200 Well, the theatre is probably the wrong place to announce this, but... 47 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,800 ..that rather turns me on. 48 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,440 I'll leave you to it. Yes. 49 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,480 MUSIC: Ladies' Night by Kool & The Gang 50 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,320 # Mmm, oh, yeah 51 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,120 # Oh, what a night 52 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,720 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night 53 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,800 # And the feeling's right 54 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,680 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night 55 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,320 # Oh, what a night Oh, what a night 56 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,400 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night 57 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,360 # And the feeling's right 58 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,360 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night 59 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,519 # Oh, what a night Huh! 60 00:04:16,519 --> 00:04:21,000 # On disco lights Your name will be seen 61 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,000 # You can fulfil all your dreams 62 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,840 # Party here, party there Everywhere 63 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,520 # Come on, let's all celebrate 64 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,520 # La-La-Lady, lady, I love you... # 65 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,720 What! Oh, come on! 66 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,760 Oh! Ah, ah! Argh! 67 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,280 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 68 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:48,920 Ah! 69 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,960 Jesus Christ! 70 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,200 CLAPPING 71 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,200 MAN: Bravo! Encore! 72 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,080 Hello? 73 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,320 The perfect fall. 74 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,200 What a gift. Who are you? 75 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,400 Who am I? 76 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,400 MAN CHUCKLES 77 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,400 ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS 78 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,280 I am... 79 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,360 ..Strazzamo. 80 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,800 Who? 81 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,480 Oh, I'm performing here tonight. But listen, what time are you on? 82 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,440 I'd love to see the whole show. 83 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,240 What? Help me! 84 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,280 I'm trapped under a donkey dick. 85 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,480 The timing was perfection. 86 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,640 The sound of impact went through me. 87 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,040 The landing, almost grotesque. 88 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,320 I thought you had genuinely hurt yourself. 89 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,800 I HAVE genuinely hurt myself! 90 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,720 It wasn't a deliberate fall? OK, I'm going to say it again. 91 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,360 I've genuinely hurt myself and I'm stuck under a dick. 92 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,520 Ah! 93 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,159 But your costume and look is iconic. 94 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,520 It's not a costume. I'm not a clown! 95 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,160 Who are you? I'm here to clean. 96 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,880 I presume you'd like me to clean, 97 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,080 or would you prefer your audience to be sitting in hen-party juice. 98 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,680 And by juice, I mean blood. 99 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,000 And piss! 100 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,320 You're just a cleaner? 101 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,080 Oh! 102 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,800 Argh! 103 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,720 I am a crime scene cleaner. 104 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,520 What a waste of such natural attributes. 105 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,160 Freakishly tall. 106 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,080 Hilariously fat. 107 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,320 You poke me again, you won't need that red nose. 108 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,200 Actually, the, er... 109 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,680 ..nose is more of a symbol. 110 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,920 It's sort of an implicit contract between me and the audience... 111 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,560 I'm threatening you! 112 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,720 Oh, that's really good. Gave me chills. 113 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:44,480 Really scary. 114 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,720 Where do you want this? 115 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,440 Is that an espresso? 116 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,000 Delightful. Could I, erm... Could I have one, too, 117 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,840 but could you make sure it's the Kenyan bean 118 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,480 as opposed to the Italian? 119 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,680 Now, this is a SOC... SOCO suit. Yeah, Scene Of Crime. 120 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,560 It's wonderful. 121 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,840 I can really do something with it. Something... 122 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,480 ..Soviet era. 123 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,040 Strazzamo takes on the extinction of humanity 124 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,960 against the backdrop of the Cold War with Soviet Russia. 125 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,720 Hey! Hey, that reminds me of that joke. Do you remember that? 126 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,960 What do you call a Russian with three balls? 127 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,240 What? A Russian with three balls, what do you call him? 128 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,880 I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know. You do! 129 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,840 Whodyanickya Bollockov. 130 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,720 You can use that in your show. What? 131 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,880 SLOWLY: Who d'you nick your bollock off? 132 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,120 No, I heard you the first time. Thank you. 133 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,320 He says you can have this one for free 134 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,720 but you'll have to pay for the others. Bless you. 135 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,760 Yeah, just like my jokes. Hey, you'll like this. 136 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,880 Huh?! What do you call a Russian with three balls? 137 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,360 She won't know it, she's too young. Yes, she will, it's famous. 138 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,640 In the playground in 1985. 139 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,680 Whodyanickya Bollockov. Ha? 140 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,480 Wha? Nonsense. Tough crowd. 141 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,360 HE GROANS 142 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,600 No. 143 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,760 Pink poodle! So original. 144 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,799 Howdy, partner? 145 00:08:34,799 --> 00:08:36,840 What part of the show's this? 146 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,520 It isn't. Oh. 147 00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:42,240 This? 148 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,920 Oh! These are the Donkey Boyz' props, aren't they? 149 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:49,200 Clearly. Oh. Could you have a sexy clown? 150 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,880 Might be a whole new market for you. Huh! 151 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,360 I tend to steer away from lowest common denominator stuff. 152 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,440 Clearly. 153 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,480 SQUEAKING 154 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,480 How do you even become a clown? 155 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,600 I got the calling late in life. 156 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,400 Did the circus come to town? 157 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,440 They can be very seductive. 158 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,800 My cousin got up the duff from one of those "smoky-eyed boys" 159 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,720 who tend the horses. Her words. 160 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,600 I think his name was Raoul. 161 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,160 We'd hired a clown for our son's second birthday 162 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,400 and last minute he called in sick. 163 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,000 I just knew I couldn't let those kids down. 164 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,200 What did he say was wrong with him? I think he said he had arthritis. 165 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,880 Oh, yeah. 166 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:30,760 Because arthritis famously comes on overnight, doesn't it? 167 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,800 He was hungover. 168 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,120 You hired a pissed clown. Carry on. 169 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,040 I found some balloons... 170 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,600 ..and some of my wife's make-up, and... 171 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,000 ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: ..I don't know what happened then. 172 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,160 I just started to perform and it just seemed to come out of me. 173 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,400 Flow from somewhere. 174 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,600 I just became... 175 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,040 ..the clown. 176 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,360 And the children laughed. 177 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,800 They laughed and laughed. 178 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,840 I was a triumph. 179 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,320 Right. 180 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,480 Because toddlers are famously hard to make laugh, aren't they? 181 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,440 My nephew laughs at the word "pancake." 182 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,760 He literally pisses himself. The boy's a moron. 183 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,320 Actually, we...we do think there's something wrong with him. 184 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:18,600 I knew there and then that I had stumbled upon my destiny. 185 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,880 I resigned the next day. 186 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,440 From what? Reality? 187 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,120 I was a corporate financial adviser. 188 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,080 Just about to be made partner, actually. 189 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,720 You're not joking, are you? 190 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,920 Within a month, I'd used my savings to invest in the 191 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,280 Marcel Marceau School Of Mime in Paris. 192 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,120 In France? Paris, yes. 193 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:47,040 And what about you? How did you become a crime scene cleaner? 194 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,520 Oh. My mate said there was a job going. 195 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,440 Cleaning, but for crime scenes, and... 196 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,920 ..I applied, and I...I got it. 197 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,560 Mm. And you love it? 198 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,320 I better get on. 199 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,920 And you're married, yeah? Yes. 200 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,720 Yeah, we have a son. 201 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,880 And you can support everyone doing this, yeah? 202 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,840 Well, Tara had to get a part-time job when I started, but.. 203 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,880 ..she supports my dreams. 204 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,040 I see. 205 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,960 HE SNEEZES 206 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,120 EXHALING 207 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,200 Did you learn that in Paris? 208 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,600 What's that supposed to mean? No need to be defensive, mate. 209 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,600 I was just wondering if blowing up the big balloon 210 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,880 was part of the training? Well, was... 211 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,040 ..getting a cleaning cloth out of a bag part of your training? 212 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,480 Yeah? I developed this act myself. 213 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,040 I learnt the discipline in Paris. The art... 214 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,600 ..is all mine. Ah, right. 215 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,200 And did they teach you how to run in those big, long clown shoes? No! 216 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,000 Paris was a mime course. Are... 217 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,080 Are you actually interested? I really am. 218 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,440 Well... 219 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,480 On one day of the course, I mean, for the whole day, 220 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,120 we just... 221 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,920 ..picked a single imaginary... 222 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,520 ..daisy. 223 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,880 And you know what? 224 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,640 After the fourth hour, I swear I could see that flower 225 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,120 caught in the dying summer light. 226 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,960 HE LAUGHS 227 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,000 How much did Marcel charge you for that? 228 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,200 Always about money! Why don't you say what you mean? 229 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,040 You clearly have a problem with what I do. 230 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,440 No, I'm just saying, it sounds like a boring day. 231 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,640 Nowhere near as fascinating as mopping up some stains, I'm sure. 232 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,600 I don't use a mop. This is not a mop. It looks like a mop, 233 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,640 it's not a mop. It's a specialist piece of equipment, 234 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,680 and I'll tell you... 235 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,680 ALARM BELL RINGS 236 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,480 He says we have to evacuate. 237 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,520 Or whatever. 238 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,600 Where did you lose your massive clown shoes? In a fire? 239 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,760 For the second time, I don't have any massive shoes. 240 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,000 What, how come? How are you going to do that funny walk that clowns do? 241 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,880 Whatever you think a clown is, 242 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,880 I'm not that. 243 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,440 Well, you've got one of those cars that fall apart. Hoo-ha! 244 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,680 A clown's a clown, mate. A clown is most certainly NOT a clown. 245 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,600 Clowns are shit. Sharper than she looks. 246 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,760 I do apologise. 247 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,360 The alarm is rather outdated 248 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:30,960 and has to be remotely reset by the fire department. 249 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,720 Good news, however. 250 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:37,360 Chef has arrived if anyone would enjoy lunch. 251 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,400 Lovely. Good. 252 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,480 Come on. 253 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,040 MUNCHING 254 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,000 Hungry? 255 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,640 How does it pay. Hmm? 256 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,120 Crime scene cleaning. Ah, it's all right. 257 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,800 All bought and paid for. 258 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,640 You're a sole trader, right? 259 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,720 What? You work for a company or yourself? 260 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,640 Oh, for a company. Lausen. 261 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,360 No, you should go self-employed. 262 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,880 Start a limited company and let them contract you as a freelancer. 263 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,680 Beneficial tax and VAT outcomes. 264 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,920 Now, that's useful. 265 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,360 I want to be extraordinary, Wicky. 266 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,640 Er, I presume mine is comped. Huh?! 267 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,000 Because I'm performing. 268 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,040 SHE SIGHS 269 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,040 He said you'd say that. 270 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:42,000 And he says it's not free. "Tell the clown it's not free." 271 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,560 No problem, no problem. I'll, er, pay you from receipts 272 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,200 after the show. Er, how many have I sold? 273 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,000 So far, four tickets. 274 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,040 Four?! Four. 275 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,040 I'll get it. 276 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,760 Oh. 277 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,960 Well, that's very kind. 278 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,560 How often are you playing to four people? 279 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,360 More often than not. And you don't think sometimes, 280 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,960 "Oh, I'll just go back to my really well-paid job 281 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,120 "where I advise people how to avoid tax"? 282 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:18,080 Never. Success is about touching people, 283 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,480 regardless of the number. Yeah, I've touched loads of people. 284 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,160 Well, about 12. 285 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,640 So, what happens if no-one turns up? I'd still perform. 286 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,560 Wouldn't you find that massively depressing? 287 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,320 I could've stayed in finance. 288 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,440 Been just another suit. 289 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,600 Now my colleagues are Grimaldi, Marceau, Chaplin, 290 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,320 Keaton. Yeah. 291 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,160 And my auntie potters around the garden, 292 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,200 so she's best mates with Monty Don. 293 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,360 Actually, she does think that. 294 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,120 We should probably get her best checked. 295 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,840 Let me show you my act. 296 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,560 Oh, no, you're all right. It could be payback for the lunch. 297 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,280 Please, I want you to understand my passion. Please. 298 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,040 WICKY SIGHS 299 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,040 Yes! 300 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,720 DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS 301 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:18,480 Ah. So, this backdrop, you need to imagine it's something abstract. 302 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,800 Something playful yet intense. 303 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,599 You know, welcoming yet horrifying. 304 00:17:22,599 --> 00:17:24,920 So not the Donkey Boyz. No, not Donkey Boyz. 305 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,840 DRAMATIC MUSIC RESTARTS 306 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,640 HE WAILS 307 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,720 HORN TOOTS AND SLIDE WHISTLE 308 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,960 Milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me. 309 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,800 HORN TOOTS AND TEARING 310 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,800 Oh! 311 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,840 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 312 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,240 FARTING 313 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,240 Ha-ha! That bit wasn't funny! 314 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,280 FANFARE PLAYS 315 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,720 OPERA SINGING AND PARTY HOOTER 316 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,760 STRAZZAMO SOBS 317 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,400 CLASSICAL MUSIC AND HORN TOOTS 318 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,240 There. 319 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,360 Wow. 320 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,320 Just wow? Just wow. 321 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,480 So? No notes? 322 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,120 So...I'd better get on. 323 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,680 Well done, though. Very energetic. 324 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,680 I mean, when you were blowing that big balloon up, 325 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,720 I thought you were going to give yourself a prolapse. 326 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,760 So...good. 327 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,680 Right, this place isn't going to sterilise itself. 328 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,080 W-W-What did you think? Look. 329 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,280 Seriously, I don't think I should be the person to... Please, Wicky. 330 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,160 I want your opinion. 331 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,480 Honest, unvarnished opinion from the...common man. 332 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,520 HE SIGHS 333 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,200 Shit. 334 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,840 Sorry, what? 335 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,560 I thought your act was shit. 336 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:03,360 I-I-I think maybe you didn't understand some of the imagery. 337 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,720 No, I did. I understood all of it. 338 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,960 I thought it was all shit. 339 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,600 I'm sorry, mate. 340 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,040 I'm probably not the person to ask, but I found Strazzamo... 341 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,520 ..annoying. 342 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,120 But the pathos? Mate, a clown is supposed to be funny. 343 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,880 Says who? Says everyone! 344 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,520 Good God, man. 345 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,880 You're about as funny as Brian Coyle. Who? 346 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,680 He's a bloke who drinks down my pub and he is NOT funny. 347 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,920 You just...you just sat there with this expectation. 348 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,520 "Come on! Entertain me, make me laugh." 349 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,800 Yeah. Well, that's what you're supposed to do. That's your job. 350 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,080 Yes, but you have to bring a certain willingness. 351 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,240 Christ! If I have to bring my own funny to a clown show, 352 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,040 I may as well go home and tickle myself. 353 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,800 And I don't mean a special tickle. 354 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,880 Oh. Not all comedy is measured in decibels. 355 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,560 Sometimes a smile is more valuable than a laugh. 356 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,440 Yeah. Because when I've seen a good comedy, 357 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,040 I always say, "Oh, I smiled my head off." 358 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,320 Wouldn't expect a cleaner to recognise poetry when he sees it. 359 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:12,120 Oh, yeah! Poetry, my sweet, sweet ass! 360 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,480 HE YELLS 361 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,360 Don't do this, mate. 362 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,720 Don't make me add, "Beat the shit out of a clown" to my CV. 363 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,200 HE YELLS 364 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,880 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 365 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,920 You philistine! 366 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,920 You've never tried to achieve anything! 367 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,440 You're just happy to get paid and get drunk. 368 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,400 Another one of the zombie army! 369 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,440 STRAZZAMO YELLS 370 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,960 SQUEAKING AND STRAZZAMO WINCES 371 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,840 Yeah! 372 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:51,440 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 373 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,360 Not everyone has to have a dream, have you ever considered that? 374 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,280 What? Of course they do. 375 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,760 We can't all be clowns or...or firemen. 376 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,720 Some people don't have the inclination. 377 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,600 Some people are happy to be, don't need a fantasy. 378 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,760 And if you look closely, you might find those people 379 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,520 are happier than you! 380 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,880 FIRE ALARM RINGS 381 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,320 Oh! 382 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,960 FIRE ALARM CONTINUES 383 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,760 Oh, dear. Oh, dear me. 384 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,880 You want to get that alarm sorted, mate. And that bloody doorframe. 385 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,520 Behold! 386 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,200 My God. Selina is still in there! 387 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,080 And the clown. 388 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,120 Zut alors! 389 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,000 Show time. 390 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,480 ACTION HERO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS 391 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,760 THEY COUGH 392 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,680 I've inhaled too much smoke. You're going to be fine. 393 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,720 Not this time. Tell my family I'm sorry. 394 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,440 For everything. No! 395 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,840 Stay with me. I just need time to think. 396 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,480 FANTASY-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS: Hello, there. 397 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,400 Perhaps I can help. 398 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,680 You're going to be fine. 399 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,600 Get that blaze under control. 400 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,440 You're a fireman, aren't you? 401 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,960 Please! Can you help? 402 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,720 Roger that, Control. I could buzz the fire with my jet 403 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,520 and hope it blows it out. 404 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,640 Oh, boy. I could put explosives 405 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,280 around the worst-hit part of the building. 406 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,360 Blow the fire out, literally. 407 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,520 Guys, we just need a hose. 408 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,960 We can use elephant! 409 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,600 Elephant? 410 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,640 TRUMPETING 411 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,840 Hang on. 412 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,560 I told you. 413 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,200 What? Everyone has a dream. 414 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,440 ECHOING: 'Mind your head, Wicky.' What are you... 415 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,200 ..talking about? I said, "mind your head". 416 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,920 You hit it on the doorframe again. 417 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:45,640 WICKY SIGHS That was worse than a cheese dream. 418 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,480 We all have a dream. 419 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,040 Some of us are just trying to make ours a reality. 420 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,080 Don't lie to yourself, Wicky. 421 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,880 If all of my dreams became a reality, 422 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,960 things would get pretty weird, trust me. 423 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,160 And anyway, you're the one who's kidding yourself. 424 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,640 You can't even afford your own lunch. 425 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,640 You just can't face the fact that your act might not be any good. 426 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,800 That's what's going on here. 427 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,800 WICKY GROANS 428 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,000 All right? 429 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,880 You're right. 430 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,920 Don't listen to me, I'm a miserable git. 431 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,240 Ten tickets. 432 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:42,120 If I don't sell ten tonight, I'm going to jack it in. 433 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,120 Go back to finance. No, you should... 434 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,160 Don't give it up because of what I said. 435 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,960 My mind's made up. 436 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,840 How many have you sold now? 437 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,480 Nine. 438 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:00,880 Anyway... 439 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,040 ..good to meet you, Mr Cleaner. 440 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,640 Yeah. 441 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,320 All right? 442 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,640 How much are tickets? 443 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,280 £15. £15, for that?! 444 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,080 Go on, give me one. 445 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:42,400 It's a hard line to walk, isn't it? 446 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,680 Knowing whether one should fan the flames 447 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,480 of a dream that can never be realised. 448 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,280 You don't think I should buy a ticket, do you? 449 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,520 "Do what you can being who you are"? 450 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,120 Shine like a glow-worm if you can't be a star, 451 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,360 work like a pulley if you can't be a crane, 452 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:06,840 grease the wheels fully if you can't drive the train. 453 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,160 I mean, it sort of repeats itself, but... 454 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,200 ..I take your point. 455 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,280 Selina... 456 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,520 ..you're fired. 457 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,040 Thank you. 458 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,480 You know, you shouldn't smoke. 459 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,520 You've got to die of something, son. 460 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,360 What are you supposed to be? An astronaut, silly. 461 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:05,000 Oh, yeah? Is that what you want to be when you grow up? 462 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:08,560 Yeah. Or Optimus Prime. 463 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,760 Cool. WOMAN: Joe! 464 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,440 Come on, I haven't got the tickets yet. We're late. 465 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,640 What are you supposed to be? Me? 466 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,520 I'm just a glow-worm, kid. 467 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,880 Oh, you're the cleaner? Crime scene... Crime scene cleaner. 468 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,520 Oh, yeah. 469 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,120 He said it was a mess in there. You did an amazing job. 470 00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,360 Oh. 471 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,560 Sorry, who said that? My husband. 472 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,240 Strazzamo the clown. 473 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,960 Better get in, don't want to miss the big balloon being inflated. 474 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,720 JOE: Mum! Hurry up, stop talking to that weird, old man. 475 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,760 MUSIC: Fisherman's Blues by The Waterboys 476 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,560 # Woo! 477 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,600 # I wish I was a fisherman 478 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,000 # Tumbling on the seas 479 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,440 # Far away from dry land 480 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,840 # And its bitter memories 481 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,360 # Casting out my sweet line 482 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,640 # With abandonment and love 483 00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,280 # No ceiling bearing down on me 484 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,920 # Save the starry sky above 485 00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:39,040 # With light in my head 486 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,800 # With you in my arms...# 57496

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