Original subtitles

All right?

You the cleaner? No, I'm Bill Clinton.

All right. I've been told to wait for the cleaner.

I am the cleaner.

I needed a hobby after the scandal.

Where do I go?

Lovely.

Mind your head.

Oh, right.

Quite a mess, isn't it?

Welcome, I am Mr Abahassine.

Hello. What the hell happened?

Rather a large and out-of-control crowd fight, I fear.

A crowd fight? At a play?

What was the play? Was it...

..Rocky? Was that a play first?

Do you know, I've just realised I don't know the name of one play?

Would that it was a play that they were watching, dear fellow.

Strippers?

Well, what are strippers doing at the theatre?

One does what one must in order to ensure the survival of the theatre.

DOOR CLOSES

Selina!

Selina, run and turn on the espresso machine.

Our friend here must be parched. The wha?

The hissy, steamy machine that you burnt your finger on yesterday!

Kills.

Hard to find the staff out here in the sticks.

Yes. I'm not one to judge, but she does seem to be...

..a miserable shit.

I don't think she's yet developed her passion for the theatre,

or for anything else at all.

We cannot know what our place is in this great tapestry of life.

So true. When I was her age, I...

..I thought I'd be a kung fu master.

We all find our place eventually.

Yeah, fine. But for the record, I still intend to be a kung fu master.

ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: Do what you can being who you are,

shine like a glow-worm

if you can't be a star.

Ah. Well, I like that!

Oh, yeah. That'll give me inspiration to clean up...

What did you say happened here, a fight?

I think the Donkey Boyz brought up the temperature too soon.

Ten minutes in, we had a 40-woman brawl.

Well, the theatre is probably the wrong place to announce this, but...

..that rather turns me on.

I'll leave you to it. Yes.

MUSIC: Ladies' Night by Kool & The Gang

# Mmm, oh, yeah

# Oh, what a night

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# And the feeling's right

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# Oh, what a night Oh, what a night

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# And the feeling's right

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# Oh, what a night Huh!

# On disco lights Your name will be seen

# You can fulfil all your dreams

# Party here, party there Everywhere

# Come on, let's all celebrate

# La-La-Lady, lady, I love you... #

What! Oh, come on!

Oh! Ah, ah! Argh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ah!

Jesus Christ!

CLAPPING

MAN: Bravo! Encore!

Hello?

The perfect fall.

What a gift. Who are you?

Who am I?

MAN CHUCKLES

ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS

I am...

..Strazzamo.

Who?

Oh, I'm performing here tonight. But listen, what time are you on?

I'd love to see the whole show.

What? Help me!

I'm trapped under a donkey dick.

The timing was perfection.

The sound of impact went through me.

The landing, almost grotesque.

I thought you had genuinely hurt yourself.

I HAVE genuinely hurt myself!

It wasn't a deliberate fall? OK, I'm going to say it again.

I've genuinely hurt myself and I'm stuck under a dick.

Ah!

But your costume and look is iconic.

It's not a costume. I'm not a clown!

Who are you? I'm here to clean.

I presume you'd like me to clean,

or would you prefer your audience to be sitting in hen-party juice.

And by juice, I mean blood.

And piss!

You're just a cleaner?

Oh!

Argh!

I am a crime scene cleaner.

What a waste of such natural attributes.

Freakishly tall.

Hilariously fat.

You poke me again, you won't need that red nose.

Actually, the, er...

..nose is more of a symbol.

It's sort of an implicit contract between me and the audience...

I'm threatening you!

Oh, that's really good. Gave me chills.

Really scary.

Where do you want this?

Is that an espresso?

Delightful. Could I, erm... Could I have one, too,

but could you make sure it's the Kenyan bean

as opposed to the Italian?

Now, this is a SOC... SOCO suit. Yeah, Scene Of Crime.

It's wonderful.

I can really do something with it. Something...

..Soviet era.

Strazzamo takes on the extinction of humanity

against the backdrop of the Cold War with Soviet Russia.

Hey! Hey, that reminds me of that joke. Do you remember that?

What do you call a Russian with three balls?

What? A Russian with three balls, what do you call him?

I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know. You do!

Whodyanickya Bollockov.

You can use that in your show. What?

SLOWLY: Who d'you nick your bollock off?

No, I heard you the first time. Thank you.

He says you can have this one for free

but you'll have to pay for the others. Bless you.

Yeah, just like my jokes. Hey, you'll like this.

Huh?! What do you call a Russian with three balls?

She won't know it, she's too young. Yes, she will, it's famous.

In the playground in 1985.

Whodyanickya Bollockov. Ha?

Wha? Nonsense. Tough crowd.

HE GROANS

No.

Pink poodle! So original.

Howdy, partner?

What part of the show's this?

It isn't. Oh.

This?

Oh! These are the Donkey Boyz' props, aren't they?

Clearly. Oh. Could you have a sexy clown?

Might be a whole new market for you. Huh!

I tend to steer away from lowest common denominator stuff.

Clearly.

SQUEAKING

How do you even become a clown?

I got the calling late in life.

Did the circus come to town?

They can be very seductive.

My cousin got up the duff from one of those "smoky-eyed boys"

who tend the horses. Her words.

I think his name was Raoul.

We'd hired a clown for our son's second birthday

and last minute he called in sick.

I just knew I couldn't let those kids down.

What did he say was wrong with him? I think he said he had arthritis.

Oh, yeah.

Because arthritis famously comes on overnight, doesn't it?

He was hungover.

You hired a pissed clown. Carry on.

I found some balloons...

..and some of my wife's make-up, and...

ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: ..I don't know what happened then.

I just started to perform and it just seemed to come out of me.

Flow from somewhere.

I just became...

..the clown.

And the children laughed.

They laughed and laughed.

I was a triumph.

Right.

Because toddlers are famously hard to make laugh, aren't they?

My nephew laughs at the word "pancake."

He literally pisses himself. The boy's a moron.

Actually, we...we do think there's something wrong with him.

I knew there and then that I had stumbled upon my destiny.

I resigned the next day.

From what? Reality?

I was a corporate financial adviser.

Just about to be made partner, actually.

You're not joking, are you?

Within a month, I'd used my savings to invest in the

Marcel Marceau School Of Mime in Paris.

In France? Paris, yes.

And what about you? How did you become a crime scene cleaner?

Oh. My mate said there was a job going.

Cleaning, but for crime scenes, and...

..I applied, and I...I got it.

Mm. And you love it?

I better get on.

And you're married, yeah? Yes.

Yeah, we have a son.

And you can support everyone doing this, yeah?

Well, Tara had to get a part-time job when I started, but..

..she supports my dreams.

I see.

HE SNEEZES

EXHALING

Did you learn that in Paris?

What's that supposed to mean? No need to be defensive, mate.

I was just wondering if blowing up the big balloon

was part of the training? Well, was...

..getting a cleaning cloth out of a bag part of your training?

Yeah? I developed this act myself.

I learnt the discipline in Paris. The art...

..is all mine. Ah, right.

And did they teach you how to run in those big, long clown shoes? No!

Paris was a mime course. Are...

Are you actually interested? I really am.

Well...

On one day of the course, I mean, for the whole day,

we just...

..picked a single imaginary...

..daisy.

And you know what?

After the fourth hour, I swear I could see that flower

caught in the dying summer light.

HE LAUGHS

How much did Marcel charge you for that?

Always about money! Why don't you say what you mean?

You clearly have a problem with what I do.

No, I'm just saying, it sounds like a boring day.

Nowhere near as fascinating as mopping up some stains, I'm sure.

I don't use a mop. This is not a mop. It looks like a mop,

it's not a mop. It's a specialist piece of equipment,

and I'll tell you...

ALARM BELL RINGS

He says we have to evacuate.

Or whatever.

Where did you lose your massive clown shoes? In a fire?

For the second time, I don't have any massive shoes.

What, how come? How are you going to do that funny walk that clowns do?

Whatever you think a clown is,

I'm not that.

Well, you've got one of those cars that fall apart. Hoo-ha!

A clown's a clown, mate. A clown is most certainly NOT a clown.

Clowns are shit. Sharper than she looks.

I do apologise.

The alarm is rather outdated

and has to be remotely reset by the fire department.

Good news, however.

Chef has arrived if anyone would enjoy lunch.

Lovely. Good.

Come on.

MUNCHING

Hungry?

How does it pay. Hmm?

Crime scene cleaning. Ah, it's all right.

All bought and paid for.

You're a sole trader, right?

What? You work for a company or yourself?

Oh, for a company. Lausen.

No, you should go self-employed.

Start a limited company and let them contract you as a freelancer.

Beneficial tax and VAT outcomes.

Now, that's useful.

I want to be extraordinary, Wicky.

Er, I presume mine is comped. Huh?!

Because I'm performing.

SHE SIGHS

He said you'd say that.

And he says it's not free. "Tell the clown it's not free."

No problem, no problem. I'll, er, pay you from receipts

after the show. Er, how many have I sold?

So far, four tickets.

Four?! Four.

I'll get it.

Oh.

Well, that's very kind.

How often are you playing to four people?

More often than not. And you don't think sometimes,

"Oh, I'll just go back to my really well-paid job

"where I advise people how to avoid tax"?

Never. Success is about touching people,

regardless of the number. Yeah, I've touched loads of people.

Well, about 12.

So, what happens if no-one turns up? I'd still perform.

Wouldn't you find that massively depressing?

I could've stayed in finance.

Been just another suit.

Now my colleagues are Grimaldi, Marceau, Chaplin,

Keaton. Yeah.

And my auntie potters around the garden,

so she's best mates with Monty Don.

Actually, she does think that.

We should probably get her best checked.

Let me show you my act.

Oh, no, you're all right. It could be payback for the lunch.

Please, I want you to understand my passion. Please.

WICKY SIGHS

Yes!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Ah. So, this backdrop, you need to imagine it's something abstract.

Something playful yet intense.

You know, welcoming yet horrifying.

So not the Donkey Boyz. No, not Donkey Boyz.

DRAMATIC MUSIC RESTARTS

HE WAILS

HORN TOOTS AND SLIDE WHISTLE

Milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me.

HORN TOOTS AND TEARING

Oh!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

FARTING

Ha-ha! That bit wasn't funny!

FANFARE PLAYS

OPERA SINGING AND PARTY HOOTER

STRAZZAMO SOBS

CLASSICAL MUSIC AND HORN TOOTS

There.

Wow.

Just wow? Just wow.

So? No notes?

So...I'd better get on.

Well done, though. Very energetic.

I mean, when you were blowing that big balloon up,

I thought you were going to give yourself a prolapse.

So...good.

Right, this place isn't going to sterilise itself.

W-W-What did you think? Look.

Seriously, I don't think I should be the person to... Please, Wicky.

I want your opinion.

Honest, unvarnished opinion from the...common man.

HE SIGHS

Shit.

Sorry, what?

I thought your act was shit.

I-I-I think maybe you didn't understand some of the imagery.

No, I did. I understood all of it.

I thought it was all shit.

I'm sorry, mate.

I'm probably not the person to ask, but I found Strazzamo...

..annoying.

But the pathos? Mate, a clown is supposed to be funny.

Says who? Says everyone!

Good God, man.

You're about as funny as Brian Coyle. Who?

He's a bloke who drinks down my pub and he is NOT funny.

You just...you just sat there with this expectation.

"Come on! Entertain me, make me laugh."

Yeah. Well, that's what you're supposed to do. That's your job.

Yes, but you have to bring a certain willingness.

Christ! If I have to bring my own funny to a clown show,

I may as well go home and tickle myself.

And I don't mean a special tickle.

Oh. Not all comedy is measured in decibels.

Sometimes a smile is more valuable than a laugh.

Yeah. Because when I've seen a good comedy,

I always say, "Oh, I smiled my head off."

Wouldn't expect a cleaner to recognise poetry when he sees it.

Oh, yeah! Poetry, my sweet, sweet ass!

HE YELLS

Don't do this, mate.

Don't make me add, "Beat the shit out of a clown" to my CV.

HE YELLS

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You philistine!

You've never tried to achieve anything!

You're just happy to get paid and get drunk.

Another one of the zombie army!

STRAZZAMO YELLS

SQUEAKING AND STRAZZAMO WINCES

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not everyone has to have a dream, have you ever considered that?

What? Of course they do.

We can't all be clowns or...or firemen.

Some people don't have the inclination.

Some people are happy to be, don't need a fantasy.

And if you look closely, you might find those people

are happier than you!

FIRE ALARM RINGS

Oh!

FIRE ALARM CONTINUES

Oh, dear. Oh, dear me.

You want to get that alarm sorted, mate. And that bloody doorframe.

Behold!

My God. Selina is still in there!

And the clown.

Zut alors!

Show time.

ACTION HERO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

THEY COUGH

I've inhaled too much smoke. You're going to be fine.

Not this time. Tell my family I'm sorry.

For everything. No!

Stay with me. I just need time to think.

FANTASY-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS: Hello, there.

Perhaps I can help.

You're going to be fine.

Get that blaze under control.

You're a fireman, aren't you?

Please! Can you help?

Roger that, Control. I could buzz the fire with my jet

and hope it blows it out.

Oh, boy. I could put explosives

around the worst-hit part of the building.

Blow the fire out, literally.

Guys, we just need a hose.

We can use elephant!

Elephant?

TRUMPETING

Hang on.

I told you.

What? Everyone has a dream.

ECHOING: 'Mind your head, Wicky.' What are you...

..talking about? I said, "mind your head".

You hit it on the doorframe again.

WICKY SIGHS That was worse than a cheese dream.

We all have a dream.

Some of us are just trying to make ours a reality.

Don't lie to yourself, Wicky.

If all of my dreams became a reality,

things would get pretty weird, trust me.

And anyway, you're the one who's kidding yourself.

You can't even afford your own lunch.

You just can't face the fact that your act might not be any good.

That's what's going on here.

WICKY GROANS

All right?

You're right.

Don't listen to me, I'm a miserable git.

Ten tickets.

If I don't sell ten tonight, I'm going to jack it in.

Go back to finance. No, you should...

Don't give it up because of what I said.

My mind's made up.

How many have you sold now?

Nine.

Anyway...

..good to meet you, Mr Cleaner.

Yeah.

All right?

How much are tickets?

£15. £15, for that?!

Go on, give me one.

It's a hard line to walk, isn't it?

Knowing whether one should fan the flames

of a dream that can never be realised.

You don't think I should buy a ticket, do you?

"Do what you can being who you are"?

Shine like a glow-worm if you can't be a star,

work like a pulley if you can't be a crane,

grease the wheels fully if you can't drive the train.

I mean, it sort of repeats itself, but...

..I take your point.

Selina...

..you're fired.

Thank you.

You know, you shouldn't smoke.

You've got to die of something, son.

What are you supposed to be? An astronaut, silly.

Oh, yeah? Is that what you want to be when you grow up?

Yeah. Or Optimus Prime.

Cool. WOMAN: Joe!

Come on, I haven't got the tickets yet. We're late.

What are you supposed to be? Me?

I'm just a glow-worm, kid.

Oh, you're the cleaner? Crime scene... Crime scene cleaner.

Oh, yeah.

He said it was a mess in there. You did an amazing job.

Oh.

Sorry, who said that? My husband.

Strazzamo the clown.

Better get in, don't want to miss the big balloon being inflated.

JOE: Mum! Hurry up, stop talking to that weird, old man.

MUSIC: Fisherman's Blues by The Waterboys

# Woo!

# I wish I was a fisherman

# Tumbling on the seas

# Far away from dry land

# And its bitter memories

# Casting out my sweet line

# With abandonment and love

# No ceiling bearing down on me

# Save the starry sky above

# With light in my head

# With you in my arms...#