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1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:04,080
MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE
Are you serious?
2
00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,320
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.
3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:08,880
And bear in mind an old fiancee
left me for a taxi driver,
4
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,960
my mum is dead, and my doctor
recently described me
5
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,440
as "uniquely fat."
6
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:18,400
I'm parked outside the pub,
and you're telling me I can't go in?
7
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,960
My mouth is primed for beer,
my pint arm is pre-bent,
8
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,680
and you want me to go on
a night job?
9
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,480
I'll tell you what's an emergency -
10
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:30,200
me getting my gob round the soft
pastry of Mervyn's pie of the month.
11
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,280
What?
12
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:33,640
Venison.
13
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,400
What does that matter?!
14
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:39,240
Yeah, well, if I'm the best, why do
I keep getting the shitty jobs?
15
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,960
Yeah. Yeah, I'm on my way.
16
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,240
ENGINE STARTS
17
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,640
Ah! Well, I'm having a bloody pie.
18
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,400
Cheers.
19
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,880
Late-night spoodge clean?
Thanks for this.
20
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,080
I'm sorry you have to do your job.
Oh, yeah.
21
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,520
I bet no-one else was available.
Funny, that.
22
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,280
What are you on about, you knob?
Yeah, yeah, come on, what went down?
23
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,560
Oh, a store robbery gone wrong.
24
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,160
One dead, one critical.
25
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,320
Manager's around somewhere,
she'll fill you in.
26
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,360
Right piece of work she is.
You'll get on well.
27
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:39,880
Fine.
28
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,040
What is wrong with you?
29
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,200
Oh. Oh, you haven't heard?
30
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,400
We split up, me and Jules.
31
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,720
Oh, I hadn't, no. I'm really sorry.
Sure you are.
32
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,400
Well, maybe now you can nudge the
person that gives out the jobs.
33
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,920
Be nice to work near my house.
Or even, I don't know, in the day!
34
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:58,000
I don't have anything to do with
who gets the jobs. No.
35
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,720
Because the police never
send the jobs out, do they?
36
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,920
Hey, I'm a single loser now.
The punishment can stop.
37
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,800
Well, it's been lovely seeing you.
38
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,080
You off down the Horse?
Have a nice time.
39
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,840
Want me to text you when I'm done?
40
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,760
I don't want you to text me
full stop.
41
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,480
Right.
42
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,200
Well, that's me here all night.
43
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,880
Honestly, do these people
never go for a pint on a Friday?
44
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,480
What's so relaxing about murdering?
SHE GASPS
45
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,400
Oh.
46
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,680
Sorry, I'm from Lausen,
the cleaners.
47
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,520
This must've been very traumatic.
Yeah, it's a nightmare. Yeah.
48
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,160
A living nightmare.
49
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,520
I mean, look at this.
I can't sell this.
50
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,920
Well, don't worry.
I can clean that off.
51
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,360
Good luck using a pressure cooker
with a bullet hole in the lid.
52
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,160
I mean, if you think
it's worth a punt,
53
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,680
I can let you have it at 35%
markdown. Honestly?
54
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,840
I don't know what they do.
55
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,120
Well, they cook. Under pressure.
56
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,720
Well, if you're so clever,
what does "Wi-Fi" stand for, then?
57
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,800
Someone's gone quiet.
58
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:14,080
What will insurance have to say?
It's hardly force majeure, is it?
59
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,360
Two armed druggies on the rob.
Look at this.
60
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,160
This is a write-off as well.
61
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,120
Looks all right.
Wait.
62
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,240
MAN SPEAKS IN GERMAN
63
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,480
"Why am I returning it? Oh, it's got
blood on its central processor,
64
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,160
"and now it only plays German TV.
65
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:41,280
"Gunshot and blood damage isn't in
the warranty? I didn't think so."
66
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,440
I hear two of your colleagues
were hurt.
67
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,080
As in, one of them's, like, dead.
68
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,040
Oh, God, it's just awful.
69
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,840
I mean, I can replace Dolly
with Trent, no problem.
70
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,360
You know, he's flexible,
and Dolly was in training anyway.
71
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,320
But Johannes... Well, maybe he'll
be OK to come in tomorrow.
72
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,120
I mean, he was only shot twice.
73
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,960
Do you think he'll be all right
for a late shift? Of course not.
74
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,000
I'm pretty sure you can
rule Dolly out, too.
75
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,040
Oh.
76
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,000
Help yourself to water
in the staff room,
77
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,960
but please do not enter my office
under any circumstances.
78
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,240
Goodbye.
Bye.
79
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,920
Thanks for reminding me
why I never married. What?
80
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,600
Pressure, is it?
81
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,320
Aren't they clever these days?
82
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:56,800
NASAL BREATHING
83
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,240
All right?
84
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,280
NASAL BREATHING
85
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,440
I didn't think anyone
was working here tonight.
86
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,960
Awful, innit?
87
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,240
What happened.
88
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,160
Yeah. And it's about to get
a lot worse.
89
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,120
WHISPERING: This is just
the beginning.
90
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,240
THEY SPEAK IN GERMAN
91
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,240
NASAL BREATHING
92
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,360
All right?
Can I have that?
93
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,320
Oh. Yeah. God, of course.
94
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,880
Must be really...
95
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,560
Did you know her?
In as much as we know anyone.
96
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,360
Oh, right.
She wasn't a mate or anything?
97
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,400
HE CHUCKLES
98
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,120
Hmm, let me think.
She was the trainee sales staff,
99
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,240
and I'm the night shift
shelf stacker.
100
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,240
Doubt that, don't you? Doubt that
very much, thanks for asking.
101
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,320
Life goes on, eh?
What?
102
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,120
Like she was never here.
103
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,800
Well, if she hadn't panicked,
then she might be. Eh?
104
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:46,120
She ran directly for the emergency
exit like a headless chicken.
105
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,480
Panic makes people illogical.
106
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,000
And dead, it seems.
Pretty logical, innit?
107
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,640
If you're being chased by an armed
druggie, run for the exit.
108
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,520
Running directly in the line of fire
of a high-velocity weapon?
109
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,400
Hmm. Very sensible, very logical.
110
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:02,600
You remind me of a kid
I went to school with.
111
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,720
Yeah. He got expelled in the end
112
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,720
for deliberately drowning
the school lizard.
113
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,600
No, I'm sorry, I'm not a sheep.
114
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,880
WICKY SIGHS What would you have done?
115
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:15,400
I would've just strangled it. Not
with the lizard, in this situation.
116
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,520
Freezer section.
117
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,360
This is a map of the warehouse.
118
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,160
What I'd do, I'd run up that door,
OK?
119
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,840
Up this parallel aisle. These
uprights provide perfect cover.
120
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,240
This isn't the first time
you've thought about this, is it?
121
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,040
Fascinating.
Do you want to live?
122
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,480
Yes, sorry, Liam Neeson, I do.
Go on.
123
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,400
What do you do next, then?
Because that is a dead end.
124
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,640
Oh, really?
125
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,880
You get inside the chest freezer.
126
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,520
WICKY SNORTS That's it?
127
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,080
That's your great plan,
get into a freezer? Yeah.
128
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,760
They're not functional.
It's perfectly safe.
129
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,960
Lift up, barrel roll in.
130
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,560
He'll find you easily.
How? Do tell.
131
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,200
By lifting all the lids
of the freezers
132
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,040
until he found the one you were in,
you daft knob. Wrong!
133
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,440
You're presuming that
he's thinking logically.
134
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,920
He's panicking now, he thinks
he's lost you, right?
135
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,720
He's checking a maximum of
two freezers before he leaves.
136
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,360
There are 12 freezers here.
137
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,560
That leaves you an 83% chance
of survival.
138
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,520
I think Dolly would've taken
those odds, don't you?
139
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:19,680
YOU daft knob.
140
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,880
Well, I guess we'll never know.
141
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,120
GERMAN SPEAKERS ON TV
142
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,480
WHISPERING: They're listening.
143
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,040
What did you want it for?
144
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,000
Want what for?
The dead girl's name badge.
145
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,080
For a project.
They normally come five in a pack,
146
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,640
but I just needed the one.
147
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,720
Ah. So it's thrift, is it, Scrooge?
148
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,680
So not being wasteful
makes me Ebenezer Scrooge
149
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,800
to you people, does it?
Oh, no, no, no.
150
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,400
I'm talking about Tony Scrooge
who drinks down The White Horse.
151
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,320
He'd rat his nan out
for a free pint.
152
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,000
Mind you, she's a piece of work.
153
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,480
She went down for kicking
a police dog onto her garage roof.
154
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,560
Well, maybe Tony Scrooge
has different circumstances.
155
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,040
Does he also stack shelves at night
for minimum wage?
156
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,080
Oh, mate, I didn't mean to...
No, it's all right.
157
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,560
I'm used to being talked down to.
But not for much longer.
158
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,200
The change is coming.
Eh?
159
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,200
You'll soon see.
160
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,840
You ever thought about a career
in children's entertainment?
161
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,760
You ever thought about living in
a pen with the rest of the sheep?
162
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,200
Baa!
163
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,680
Baa!
164
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,720
CLATTERING Oh!
165
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,240
VOICEOVER: This is just
the beginning.
166
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,240
It's about to get a lot worse.
167
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,560
Panic makes people illogical.
168
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,560
Change is coming.
169
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,840
You'll soon see.
170
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,280
YOU daft knob.
171
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,600
Oh. Aw!
172
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:28,880
Truce?
173
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:31,720
Mini pie?
174
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,480
I'll save it.
For your project? Yeah.
175
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,400
Oh, look at that!
176
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,400
I've always wanted one of these.
177
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,800
I can't walk until I've had
my coffee in the morning.
178
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,360
I'm like Lieutenant Dan
from Forrest Gump.
179
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,720
You know, when he's dragging
himself across the floor
180
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,720
on New Year's Eve.
It's heart-breaking, actually.
181
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,440
Really brings home the sacrifice
of those guys.
182
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,080
Anyway, I love coffee.
183
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,320
Yes, the human body is reliant
on processed stimulants.
184
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,080
Baa!
185
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,800
Oh, my God!
186
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,200
It's 1,200 quid. Yes.
They pay what they're told to pay.
187
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:12,560
What does it do? It makes the masses
their precious elixir.
188
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,840
Can you name a more worthless
piece of consumerism?
189
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,920
Handbag for a cat?
190
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:24,280
What? My mate Weasel says that
the zenith of human achievement
191
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,120
is going to be when things like this
can do their primary function
192
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,960
but they can also pleasure you.
193
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,920
Pleasure how?
I don't know.
194
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:34,520
He said something about fitting
a rubber cowl to the front of it,
195
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,560
so it'd be something like...
196
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,080
Something like this.
197
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,000
This one's quite good, actually.
It's got rails so you can...
198
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,040
Stop! No!
199
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,160
I know. It's mad, isn't it?
I said to him,
200
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,080
"Weasel, you can't bang toasters and
coffee machines, for God's sake.
201
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,320
"They're hot for a reason."
202
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,720
God, I knew it.
203
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,280
People fornicating with
inanimate objects.
204
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,680
Anything to anaesthetise
the populace.
205
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,400
We are living in a dystopia.
206
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,520
Your friend may be a prophet.
207
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,280
Weasel? Oh, no, he's bonkers
and unemployable.
208
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,360
Mm, yes, how quick we are
to pigeonhole
209
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,400
those with different views.
210
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,560
You're starting to sound
like him now, mate.
211
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,200
You want to be careful.
212
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,960
He told me he's not having
a Covid jab
213
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,520
because he wants to control
what goes into his body.
214
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,840
You want to know what goes into
his body? Beer and bacon,
215
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,480
and nothing else.
216
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,960
Well, at least you can understand
the worthlessness of it all.
217
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,880
Nihilism is a concept that...
Ooh, jackpot.
218
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,320
Drone!
219
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,760
I've always wanted one of these,
too.
220
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,560
The irony. Why?
It flies!
221
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:45,920
Let's go and play with this outside.
222
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,360
I think you should pay more
attention to your friend Weasel.
223
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:54,600
He knows. Mate, he duct taped his
phone to a rocket on Bonfire Night.
224
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,760
Why? Because he wanted to prove
the Earth was flat.
225
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,200
What he proved is
insurance companies don't pay out
226
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,520
if you tape your phone
to a firework. Mm.
227
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,680
OK. And you can prove that it
isn't flat, can you, huh?
228
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,360
Cleaner man.
229
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,400
Yep, Flat Earther. Tick.
230
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,280
And I'm a crime scene cleaner.
231
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,800
Baa!
232
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,920
No-one here needed to get shot.
233
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,240
Mate, I need to get on.
234
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,720
I think we've established
a complete lack of common ground.
235
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,720
No-one in this building
needed to get shot. Yeah?
236
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,800
Who told you that?
The lizards from the royal family?
237
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,320
Go ahead. Sneer.
That's what the sheep like to do.
238
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,920
Sheep sneerer.
239
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,120
It's a play on words. Go on.
240
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,440
I would've been prepared.
Mate...
241
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,560
..how can you plan for two goons
robbing your shop?
242
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,520
I wouldn't have been robbed.
No.
243
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,240
You would've got into a freezer.
Go on, then.
244
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:05,880
Try to rob me.
245
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,240
Oh, come on.
No, come on, try to rob me. Go on.
246
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,840
Hand over the coffee machine.
247
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,120
Checkmate, sheep.
248
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,760
Oh, God! WICKY STUTTERS
249
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,360
YELLING
250
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,840
No! Ah! Ah!
251
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,120
Oh!
252
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,200
Ah!
Ha-ha-ha! Baa!
253
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,200
NASAL BREATHING
254
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,160
YELLING
255
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,200
Why did you check that third
freezer? What about the 83%?!
256
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,640
I knew you'd be in here.
I predicted it. I planned!
257
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,280
GROANING
258
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,000
I'm too young.
You're not that young.
259
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,160
I'm too young to die.
You've had a good innings.
260
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,320
This can't be how it ends!
261
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:30,960
In a freezer!
262
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:35,200
I am the last fish finger...
263
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,920
..lost at the bottom of the freezer.
The lonely human ham!
264
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,600
Oh, mate, calm down, relax.
It's not real.
265
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,960
A Tupperware box of bolognese!
266
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,400
It's been there seven years.
Throw it away, Mum!
267
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,240
MUM!
268
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,040
What do you mean it's not real?
No, it's not real. It's...
269
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,960
It's part of the drill.
What drill?
270
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,800
My drill. The end-of-days drill.
I thought that's what we were doing.
271
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,080
We were running around, doing...
Sorry.
272
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,160
You odd little man.
273
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:09,320
You odd little greasy, bowl-cut,
high-waisted,
274
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,040
4chan, QAnon, GB News...
275
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,200
..bell end!
I thought you were quite into it.
276
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,760
You seemed quite into it. Can I
get out of the freezer, please?
277
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,000
Yeah, sure, I'll give you a hand.
I can do it!
278
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,680
Well, help me! WICKY GRUNTS
279
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,280
Oh, you're so clammy. THEY YELL
280
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,080
Ta.
281
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,680
It won't taste nice.
They use cheap teabags.
282
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,360
Yeah? Well, my granny always said,
"If it's wet, it's wet."
283
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,840
Now I've said that out loud,
I've realised it's meaningless.
284
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,480
Sorry for scaring you earlier
with the...
285
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,680
Mate, why have you got a fake gun?
286
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,360
It's a deterrent.
It's part of my project.
287
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,920
You are so uptight. Sit down.
288
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,640
Where's your tea?
289
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,080
I save mine.
What do you mean?
290
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,360
Every time I go for a break,
I save the bag.
291
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,960
Why don't you just nick a box
from over there?
292
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,200
Oh, right. And they'd begrudge you
a few teabags?
293
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,560
Of course.
We are just pawns of the game.
294
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,560
Plus Radison is a psychopath.
Is that the manager?
295
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,360
She runs this place like
a security facility. Yeah.
296
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,480
She did seem pretty keen that we
didn't go into her precious office.
297
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,720
You ever done it?
You ever been in the evil lair?
298
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,520
Tasted the forbidden fruit?
299
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,360
Of course not.
That's a sackable offence.
300
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,880
Well, she can't sack me.
301
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,480
Come on.
302
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,320
There's beer in that room. Trust me.
303
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,240
I have a gift.
No!
304
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,680
Cleaner man, stop!
305
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,280
HE CHUCKLES
306
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,960
I can't believe it.
A bit old-fashioned, mate.
307
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,000
Women do drink beers these days,
you know.
308
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,680
There's a woman down my pub, she'd
drink you under the table, son.
309
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,760
The tattoos on her.
310
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,880
Actually, that's not a woman.
That's Dave Shipley.
311
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,480
But I stand by my point.
Women do drink beers.
312
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,520
It's the Dinky Chill 420.
313
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,320
Eh?
It's the mini fridge I'm looking at.
314
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,600
It shouldn't be in here.
315
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,120
The juicer.
316
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,680
The coffee machine.
317
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,400
The clothes steamer.
318
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,240
The intimate razor.
Ew!
319
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,200
This has all been stolen
from the shop floor.
320
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,720
And she's in charge of the audits.
321
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,960
God knows what she's got
squirrelled away at home.
322
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,040
Oh. Ring head office, grass her up.
323
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,440
Oh, God.
324
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,440
There's a mini grill there.
325
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,280
That's stolen from the shop floor,
too.
326
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,720
We're not even allowed
to eat cold food in the building...
327
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,480
..and she's grilling!
328
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,760
Power corrupts, my friend.
329
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,320
Power corrupts.
330
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,360
Go on, then.
What?
331
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,120
Well, pop that beer
and you can tell me your theory.
332
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,760
Not in here.
333
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,840
BEEPING
334
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,200
They block radio signals.
Yeah, of course they do.
335
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,160
Come on, then.
What are we planning for?
336
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,440
The collapse. It's coming.
337
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,400
OK. Before we go any further,
I need to ask you some questions.
338
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,560
Ready? Yep.
9/11, did it happen?
339
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,360
Yep. Did the Americans plan it
themselves? Of course they didn't.
340
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,760
Lord Lucan. Did he file his own
teeth down and is he living
341
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,640
in a Brazilian rainforest
like a monkey? What is this?
342
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,560
Please just answer the questions.
343
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,360
The moon landings - happen?
Yep. Good.
344
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,680
That was a deal-breaker for me. JFK?
345
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,480
Yep, shot by Lee Harvey Oswald...
346
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,440
All right, you've passed the test.
347
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,760
..who was a reptile.
I knew it!
348
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:12,160
Welcome, David Icke. KAI SIGHS
349
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,560
I'm not a conspiracy theorist,
all right?
350
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,840
What's that?
All my Covid vaccinations.
351
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,760
And for the record,
the world isn't flat.
352
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,680
Look, an event is coming.
353
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,760
What sort of event?
They haven't decided yet. "They."
354
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,120
Might be nuclear war, might be
disease, might be famine.
355
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:34,280
Right, and it must be true,
because a man who stacks shelves
356
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,520
in an electronics warehouse told me.
357
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:39,240
Look, do what you want to do,
all right?
358
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,280
I only told you because...
359
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,560
..you bothered talking to me.
360
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,720
Must be hard living up there.
Up where?
361
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,040
In your head.
362
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,240
MICROWAVES DING
363
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,040
Oi.
364
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,600
What?
365
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,720
I've always wanted a go on one
of these, haven't you? We mustn't.
366
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,560
Ha-ha!
367
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,080
# We'll always be together
368
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,480
# However far it seems
369
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,000
# Love never ends
370
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,760
# We'll always be together
371
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,960
# Together in electric dreams
372
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,080
# We'll always be together
373
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,800
# However far it seems
374
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,760
# Love never ends
375
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,360
# We'll always be together
376
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:16,480
# Together in electric dreams... #
377
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,640
What are you going to do
for food and drink?
378
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,840
I've got enough water
to last me 36 months.
379
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,680
And for food...
380
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,160
..I've invested in these.
381
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,440
Complete nutrition.
382
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,960
Used by the Space Programme.
383
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,120
You're kidding.
I do not kid.
384
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,120
That will last me long enough
until the radiation levels die down,
385
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:43,520
and then after that, I'll do
short trips in my hazmat suit.
386
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,800
Which you have?
Of course I do.
387
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,080
It was the most expensive item.
388
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,080
I had to work weeks of overtime
to get that bastard.
389
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:55,520
But the initial event's going to
wipe us all out, right? Exactly.
390
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,520
It's almost like the government
don't want you to survive.
391
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,000
Good luck not breathing
radioactive particles
392
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,920
through your sofa,
you bloody lemmings.
393
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,680
Bloody hell, mate. You're sounding
like you've built a bunker.
394
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:10,960
What?
395
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,840
Where?
396
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,600
In my allotment.
Under the potting shed.
397
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,120
How?
398
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,160
How do you even build a bunker?
399
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,280
Research, time, judicious purchase.
400
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:23,800
Well, where is it?
401
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,960
It's only big enough for one, mate.
THEY LAUGH
402
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,360
I don't want to share your bunker,
you daft sod.
403
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,640
I don't want to survive
an apocalypse.
404
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,320
What? Why?
405
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,400
Well, I don't imagine many people
have got a bunker.
406
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,840
I don't imagine they have.
Right.
407
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,360
So there won't be many survivors.
Yeah, very limited.
408
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,200
So what's the point?
409
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,800
W...What do you mean,
what's the point? It...
410
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,800
What are you going to do?
Wander around in your hazmat suit
411
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:54,320
meeting no-one?
Life's about other people.
412
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,840
Relationships. Parties.
413
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,240
Friends. Booze. Booze and friends.
414
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,880
What sort of life
are you going to have alone?
415
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,560
Wandering across a scorched Earth
in a hazmat suit alone.
416
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,240
Come on. What sort of life's that?
417
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,200
I...I'd better get going.
I've got stuff to do in the...
418
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,680
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
419
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,680
Kai?
420
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,760
Yeah?
421
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,160
What did you want
that name badge for?
422
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,240
They say after months
of isolation...
423
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,520
..you lose sense of who you are.
424
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:01,960
Are you going, then?
Yeah.
425
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,560
All clean.
426
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,120
The boss will be happy.
427
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,800
Apart from the missing beers.
Don't you worry about her.
428
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,760
People like that get
what's coming to them.
429
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,400
Something tells me head office
might find out.
430
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,520
I bought you this.
431
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,280
A space bar!
432
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,600
Thank you. I'll enjoy that under
my sofa just before I perish.
433
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,480
KAI CHUCKLES
434
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,040
Hey.
435
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,480
After I've been home for a nap,
I'm, er...
436
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:31,400
I'm going to go up the Horse for
a couple of pints, if you fancy it.
437
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,440
You could put Weasel right
on a few things, eh?
438
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:35,960
No.
439
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,520
Thank you for the offer. I've got
things to do and, you know...
440
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,480
Thank you.
441
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,240
Thank you.
You're going to the allotment?
442
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,840
Yeah.
443
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,320
What happens if you're wrong?
444
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,080
Wrong?
445
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,240
About the end of days.
446
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,320
What happens if you just have to
keep on living?
447
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,760
I'm not wrong.
448
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:01,520
No.
449
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,480
Look after yourself.
450
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,520
MUSIC: Space Age Love Song
by A Flock Of Seagulls
451
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:05,960
# I was falling in love
452
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,720
# Falling in love
453
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,360
# Falling in love
454
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,080
# Falling in love
455
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,360
# Falling in love. #
32626
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