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1
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:19,120
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have reached
your final destination.
2
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:30,360
Owl!
3
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,360
THUD AND TYRES SCREECH
4
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,480
ENGINE CRANKS
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
5
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,320
Augh!
6
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:53,880
Oh.
7
00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,520
SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS
8
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:08,720
Oh, good. I'm cleaning
a creepy mansion.
9
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,760
HE SIGHS
10
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,600
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS
11
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,680
Hello?
12
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,720
Anyone there?
13
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,360
THREE BLIND MICE PLAYS CREEPILY
14
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,200
HE INHALES
15
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:17,240
Hello? It's just the cleaner.
16
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,880
Hello?
17
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,160
CLATTERING
18
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,240
THEY BOTH YELL
19
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,440
This has got four different
chemicals in it.
20
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,280
One spray of this, you'll have a
face like a plate of surf 'n' turf.
21
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,560
There is no violence in this heart.
22
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,760
You startled me is all.
What's that in your hand?
23
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,800
This is a shard of a Himalayan
rock salt.
24
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,320
The other hand? This is an
indigenous woodwind instrument.
25
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,360
DEEP BELLOWING
26
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,800
Right. Both could be used
as a weapon,
27
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,840
but I can see you've got no
upper body strength.
28
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,720
None at all. Move forward. Slowly!
29
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,200
Why are you here?
30
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,160
I'm asking the questions.
31
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,960
Sorry, continue.
32
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,840
Why are YOU here?
33
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,600
I am a shaman.
34
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,160
I have been charged with escorting
a soul from purgatory
35
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,320
to a peaceful plain.
36
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,760
What are you, a squatter?
37
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,360
No, I live in a yurt.
38
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:36,840
Huh, squat in the grass.
39
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,760
Why have you flooded this place
with negative chi?
40
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,160
I'm here to clean.
41
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,520
They told me it'd be empty.
42
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,000
This house is far from empty.
43
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,400
Oh, yeah, I need you today, don't I?
44
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,480
Who requested your presence here?
Oh.
45
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,560
Don't know. My boss just
sends me to do a job.
46
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,480
Probably why I wasn't warned
there was an extra
47
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,920
from Lord Of The Rings here.
Who are you?
48
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,040
I am Dan Mancoocoomum.
49
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,480
What?
50
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,960
Dan Mancoocoomum.
51
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,200
That's your name?
Yeah. Dan Mancoocoomum.
52
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,040
And that's on your passport, is it?
Similar.
53
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,680
That's not your real name, is it?
Reality is merely a construct.
54
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,200
What's on your birth certificate?
55
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,360
Dan Watson. Jackpot.
56
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,320
Something to refresh before
your journey home. Eh?
57
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,080
I'm not going anywhere.
58
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,640
Well, I can't work with
a cynical presence.
59
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,320
You'll have to leave.
Now, you listen to me.
60
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,800
I am going to clean. A homeless
person died here, right?
61
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,960
A lost soul took shelter here, yes.
62
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,480
He needs help crossing from
this temporal strife
63
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,600
to a place where time is
meaningless.
64
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,440
For that, he'll need more
than a cleaner.
65
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,640
A crime scene cleaner.
66
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,720
Hmm. Why am I justifying myself
to you, fox head? Who sent you here?
67
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,480
The new owners engaged me to guide
this spirit to his rest.
68
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,520
WHISTLING
69
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,200
Maybe I'm just overtired.
Maybe I'm imagining you.
70
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,120
What the...?
71
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,320
What is that? Mugwort.
72
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,120
Mate, that is the worst thing I've
ever put in my mouth.
73
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,320
And I was runner-up in a
welk-eating contest.
74
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,800
FYI, the winner died.
75
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,080
Finish the tea.
76
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,160
And then leave the cleaning to those
with a higher purpose.
77
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,800
Look, I don't need this, mate.
78
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,000
Before the day even started,
79
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,560
I crashed my van cos
I hit an owl, so...
80
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,240
Wait. Did you just say an owl?
81
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,480
Yes.
82
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:41,920
You should leave.
83
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,360
WHISTLING Stop doing that.
84
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,120
You clearly don't know the
significance
85
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:47,960
of a collision with an owl.
No, I don't.
86
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,680
Because they didn't offer
GCSE Horseshit when I was at school.
87
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,440
What became of it?
88
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,880
What? I don't know.
89
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,160
It smashed off the windscreen,
I presume it's dead.
90
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:57,640
Sort of bounced off.
91
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,080
Bounced?
92
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,360
You have to go back.
93
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,160
Yeah, I do. To get my stuff.
94
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,600
You must locate the owl.
95
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,440
It must not be left in pain.
96
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:06,920
You have to finish it.
97
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,280
What?!
98
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,560
You go back if you're so keen on
roadkill mercy.
99
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,240
It's probably how you got your hat.
100
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,040
Go and get yourself
an owl glove as well.
101
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,400
I'll clean up while you're gone.
102
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,680
No, I can't leave this place
until my work here is done. Right.
103
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,040
So you get to sit around sipping
hot mystic piss
104
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,000
while I go and murder an owl
with a shovel.
105
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,040
I didn't say anything
about a shovel.
106
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,320
The most humane thing
to do would be...
107
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,880
It's an owl, mate.
108
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,560
I'll be there all day.
109
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,360
Gross.
110
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,360
Well, that's going in a skip
for a start.
111
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,840
No physical objects may leave
this space. Eh?
112
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,120
Look, how long do you need?
113
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,440
Depends. Right, best-case scenario.
114
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,680
20 mins. Oh, worst?
115
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,400
21 days.
116
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,360
OK. Enough.
117
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,960
I am not going to hang around while
you dance around the room
118
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,000
with your nads out, or whatever
it is you do.
119
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,560
You've got the time it takes me
to go back to the van.
120
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,400
HE HUMS
121
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,640
Argh! Oh, oh, oh!
122
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,200
Oooooohhh!
123
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,560
Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes,
please! Yes, please! Yes, please!
124
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,000
Meow! WICKY CHUCKLES
125
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,040
I'm sorry. There's nothing funny
126
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,080
about ushering the spirits of
the dead
127
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,720
to their final place of rest.
128
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,240
There are some funny things
about it.
129
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,680
HE HUMS
130
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,640
CLACKING
131
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,120
I'm going back to the van.
132
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,200
Chant and click faster.
133
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,480
Hey! Sacred sage from the
Mojave Desert.
134
00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,080
And? For your van.
135
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,960
Mate, it needs a mechanic
and a panel beater, not a...
136
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,040
..big herb. Burn the sage.
137
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,840
Extinguish despair,
and chant these words.
138
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:14,280
Hey-ey-ey-ey, mingala.
139
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,240
You may then drive your
van once more.
140
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,480
It's a traditional wolf chant.
Is it?
141
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,720
Do you see this?
Yeah, I've noticed it.
142
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,840
Foxes are a conduit to wisdom.
143
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,680
Foxes wake me up by
shagging in bins.
144
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,640
WICKY SIGHS
145
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,920
CLACKING
146
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,960
SHAMAN CHANTS
147
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,240
OWL HOOTS
148
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,400
ENGINE CRANKS
149
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,560
Come on. Go on!
150
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,600
ENGINE CRANKS
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!
151
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,600
Hey, mingala.
152
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,640
Hey, hey, mingala.
153
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,520
CHANTING: Hey, hey, mingala.
154
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,720
ENGINE STARTS
155
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,800
Shut up!
156
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,760
POP MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE
157
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,080
# Sweet like chocolate, boy
158
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,480
# Sweet like chocolate
159
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,760
# You bring me so much joy
160
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,160
# Sweet like chocolate... #
161
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,200
MUSIC STOPS AND SHAMAN CHANTS
162
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,040
Oh, that's funny.
163
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,000
I could've sworn I heard
Sweet Like Chocolate
164
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,840
by Shanks & Bigfoot.
165
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,400
Your van started, didn't it? Look...
166
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,640
Are you done, or what?
I need to get on.
167
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,560
Don't fight it, feel it.
168
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,920
Mate, I don't want to be here
all night.
169
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,520
I have a spiritual conduit to build.
170
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,800
I'll leave you to potter around
171
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,240
in the shallow waters of
human consciousness.
172
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,560
Hmm. Who said that?
173
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,080
Was it Shanks or Bigfoot?
174
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,200
Your sadness is a heavy
burden to carry.
175
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,920
You are so smug.
176
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,640
What did you have for breakfast,
did you have a bowl of...
177
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,400
..smug? Hmm.
178
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,040
Ah! Smug of coffee.
179
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,240
Yeah!
180
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,800
TROPICAL HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS
181
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:51,480
No!
182
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,520
And what are you going
to do with them?
183
00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:58,840
Liberate them.
184
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,320
If you take their earthly life,
185
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,080
you condemn them to
a spiritual halfway house.
186
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,120
FLY BUZZES
187
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,240
Oh!
188
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,040
I need to get on, mate.
189
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,560
I trust you will bury this
little one. Yeah, yeah.
190
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,360
What's that?
191
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:31,440
A lemongrass root.
192
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,280
Have a Penguin, mate,
for God's sake.
193
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,720
Mm.
194
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,320
Do you get paid for all this, then?
195
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,360
Money is meaningless to me.
196
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,600
Yes, I'm sure.
Go on, tell me. I'll tell you.
197
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:43,840
£450.
198
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,400
What?!
199
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,040
For that?
200
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,280
Are you joking?!
201
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,400
How much do you get paid?
202
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,520
I'm not telling you.
203
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,800
But more, because it's real.
204
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,080
You're irritated by people
205
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,280
with an alternative
belief system, aren't you?
206
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,320
Look, I'm sorry, mate.
207
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,000
I just think it's all made up.
208
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,640
By who?
209
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,320
By people who need to believe it.
210
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,560
Chatted to any ghosts yet?
211
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,760
Perhaps you might believe
your own eyes.
212
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,200
Perhaps I should make contact.
213
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,320
With a spooky tramp?
214
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,480
He is one of the spirits here.
215
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,440
Let us see whom can be summoned.
216
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,480
RATTLING
217
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,840
DINGING
218
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,120
Is that the homeless guy?
219
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,960
Is that him, in the photo?
220
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,160
That is a photograph of
the deceased.
221
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:41,360
I sometimes find it can help
speed up connection.
222
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,480
Yeah, I know that problem.
223
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,120
My Wi-Fi slows down after ten
because the neighbour's watching
224
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,600
conspiracy theory videos.
225
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,720
We share the same router.
226
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,720
I'm stealing my neighbour's
internet.
227
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,720
Do you know,
I've never admitted that before.
228
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,760
Maybe you are magic.
229
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,800
RATTLING
230
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,760
HE WAILS
231
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,920
Hello.
232
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,960
Would you like to come through?
233
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,640
Oh, come on.
234
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,160
Hello, duck.
235
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,880
Muriel here.
236
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,800
I was a housekeeper here in 1872.
237
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,600
Hard work, it was.
238
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,520
The mangle broke and, you see, the
rollers weren't as close together
239
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,960
as they should've been and they
didn't wring out the water
240
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,000
as much as they should have.
Told the master,
241
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,080
but he said I'd have to make do.
242
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,680
Anyway, nice talking to you.
243
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:43,960
Ta-ra.
244
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,160
Thanks, Muriel. Goodbye.
245
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,800
Is that it?
246
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,600
Muriel came from the spirit world
247
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:57,440
just to tell you about her knackered
mangle from 150 years ago?
248
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,960
Clearly it still rankles.
Mate, I've got to get on.
249
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,320
RASPY BREATHS
250
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,120
HIGH-PITCHED: # Three blind mice
251
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:13,120
# Three blind mice. #
252
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,200
Hello, who's there?
253
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,800
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
This is Sebastian.
254
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,880
I'm the third and youngest son of
Clarence and Julie.
255
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,160
Julie? For God's sake.
256
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,720
Yes, Mummy.
257
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,680
She was very upset when I got TB.
258
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:31,880
HE COUGHS
I had to go to the sanatorium
259
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,880
for a while, but they could do
no more for me.
260
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,640
HE COUGHS So I had to come back here
261
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,880
for my final days.
262
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,840
REGULAR VOICE: Sebastian?
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Yes.
263
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,480
Do you see that light?
264
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,840
Yes, it's very bright, isn't it?
265
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,720
Yes, Sebastian.
266
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,360
Now, I need you to walk
towards that light
267
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,240
and then you will be reunited
with your mummy.
268
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,640
Oh, I see. That's very nice.
269
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,880
Thanks a lot. All the best.
270
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,120
Goodbye.
271
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,440
HE SIGHS AND PANTS
272
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,120
Mate, can I hire you?
273
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,560
The lads down the pub
would love this.
274
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,040
I've got to get on.
275
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,520
Ooh. If my nan swings by,
276
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,800
can you ask her where the keys
to the garage are?
277
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,840
I want to get that mower sold.
278
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,800
I've just received a message
from the other side.
279
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,840
You shouldn't be here. Oh.
280
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,160
This has got to stop.
281
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,600
You're a negative presence.
282
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,240
The owl was a sign.
I should've known.
283
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,520
Look, mate. The game's up.
I know you're not a shaman.
284
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,560
I heard you listening to
Sweet Like Chocolate
285
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:11,800
by Shanks & Bigfoot.
286
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,040
Can't a shaman enjoy
Shanks & Bigfoot?
287
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,120
Oh. SHAMAN SNIFFS
288
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,440
What are you doing?
289
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,960
Your aura.
290
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,160
Please stop sniffing my aura.
291
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,280
It bears the heavy stench of regret.
292
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,400
You distress the spirits
in this place.
293
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,760
If you are to stay,
I must cleanse you.
294
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,040
What do you need to do?
295
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,480
Using my hands on your body,
296
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,320
I will deliver good energy
while simultaneously
297
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,240
extracting any negative vibrations.
298
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,360
Like reiki.
Yeah, it is. It is a bit like reiki.
299
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,200
Right. This way?
300
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,640
HE GROANS
301
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,240
Close your eyes.
302
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,520
Is this too intimate?
Just get on with it.
303
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,880
You've had your appendix out.
304
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,000
I have, actually.
305
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,040
You can just sense that?
Sh, sh, sh, sh.
306
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,240
SHAMAN HUMS
307
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,920
RASPY GROANS
308
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:21,800
Ah!
309
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,840
Someone doesn't want you here.
310
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,440
Yeah, me. I don't want me here.
311
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,440
RASPING
312
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,080
Keith.
313
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,840
Welcome, Keith.
314
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,160
Who are you talking to?
315
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,080
I don't know anyone called Keith.
316
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:42,640
Is that Keith Patterson?
317
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,880
Hang on!
318
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,880
I do know someone called
Keith Patterson.
319
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,920
From when I was a kid.
320
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,960
From school? Yeah.
321
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:55,880
That's Keith!
322
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,040
Keith's the dead homeless guy.
323
00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,480
Ah.
324
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:00,960
Weasel's put you up to this.
325
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,160
This is a wind-up.
326
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:06,080
Keith says he remembers
you from school.
327
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,920
But that you didn't call him
328
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,320
Keith Patterson then.
329
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,120
Oh, no.
330
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,640
He used to wet himself all the time,
331
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,200
so we called him Pissy Patterson.
332
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,120
Peepee Patterson.
333
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,200
Urine Geller. Slash.
334
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,840
The Lemonade-Trousered Kid.
335
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,120
Milk, milk, lemonade, around the
corner, Patterson's pissed himself.
336
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,520
Wee Willie Tinkle.
Duck-billed platy-piss.
337
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,360
Pissy Hynde. Packet of pissps.
338
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,040
Quentin Pissp.
339
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,800
Father Pissmas. Sh.
340
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,760
Piss Akabusi.
341
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,400
Henry Pissinger.
342
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,920
Packet of custard cream piss-cuits.
343
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,560
I just made that one up.
344
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,160
Why did you bait the child so?
345
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,720
Oh. I don't know, we just...
346
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,920
This is ridiculous.
As if you're speaking to him.
347
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,480
Are you OK?
348
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,160
Yeah.
349
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,240
Just really sad, innit?
What happens in some people's lives.
350
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,880
Did you know him a long time?
351
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,640
Yeah. I was at schools with him,
he was even in my Cub pack.
352
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,760
He was a big fan of Shakin' Stevens.
353
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,920
Good friends?
354
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,080
With Shaky?
355
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,320
I've never met him.
356
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,600
I think he lives in Wales.
357
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,600
Ah, he was a good lad.
358
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,800
Used to get into fits of giggles.
359
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,920
We'd tickle him and make him laugh
and he'd go off like a soda stream.
360
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,160
The last thing I remember was
361
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,840
we were in a school production of
The Wizard Of Oz together.
362
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,440
I was the Scarecrow
and he was the Tinman.
363
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,480
Keith was really nervous.
364
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,600
And Matt Bainbridge, who was the
Cowardly Lion,
365
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,640
he was trying to make him laugh,
you know?
366
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,560
"Pull my finger," and all that.
367
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,960
Well, that's when it started.
368
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,040
It was just a trickle at first.
369
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,760
But then it got stronger and louder.
370
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,600
You can imagine in that costume.
I mean, it was made of tin.
371
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,040
It sounded like someone was
filling a watering can up.
372
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,560
All the kids started
laughing, and...
373
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,360
..Keith stopped.
374
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,720
Laughing?
375
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:23,960
And pissing.
376
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,320
Now it all makes sense.
377
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,320
Eh?
378
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,720
What makes sense?
379
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,280
The negative energy, I told you.
380
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,000
If you died and were trying to
cross to the other side,
381
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,560
would you want to do it in front of
the man who routinely
382
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,400
humiliated you?
383
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,960
Poor Keith Patterson.
384
00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,880
Keith, Keith Patterson?
385
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,560
Is that you?
386
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,920
Stop it. He's here.
387
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,680
He wants to speak to you.
Well, good luck with that,
388
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,520
because I remember exactly
how he speaks.
389
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,560
High-pitched voice and a lisp.
Off you go.
390
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,320
He says he doesn't want
to talk through me.
391
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,320
Oh, really?
392
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,760
He's shy. A shy ghost?
393
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,960
You've got some front,
I'll give you that.
394
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,720
Is your name Paul Wickstead?
395
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,520
Yes.
396
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,600
Oh. Well done for being
able to read.
397
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,760
Wicky.
398
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,920
He says you preferred
to be called Wicky?
399
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,920
I never told you that. He did.
400
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,000
Bloody hell. He says...
401
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,520
"How would you like to have been
known as the piss-trict nurse?"
402
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,720
I'd forgotten that one.
It is a good one, isn't it?
403
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,880
You lit a touchpaper that led to a
life of problems.
404
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,040
No! I'm afraid so, Wicky.
405
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,920
Come, talk to him.
406
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,840
GASPING
407
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,200
Keith, I... No.
408
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,920
To him.
409
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,680
Keith, we...
410
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,840
I thought we were just
having a laugh.
411
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,360
Because you were always laughing.
412
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,760
I didn't really stop to think how
it made you feel.
413
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,960
It was wrong.
414
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:24,720
Oh, God. Even putting that cowpat
under your pillow at Cub camp.
415
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,440
He says he didn't know about
the cowpat. Damn it!
416
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,440
But that he forgives you.
417
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,800
For everything.
418
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,680
He says he'd really like you to
attend his funeral.
419
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,400
Oh, OK, I can do that.
420
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,240
And he'd really like you
to organise the wake.
421
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,520
He'd like a party at his
homeless shelter.
422
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:47,520
Sorry, what? He says he'd like
a big send-off with all his friends.
423
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,800
White tablecloths,
candles on the tables. OK.
424
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:51,880
A free bar.
425
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,760
Is that a good idea at
a homeless shelter?
426
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,560
And a Shakin' Stevens tribute act.
427
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,640
OK.
428
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,880
Can you tell him I'll do my best?
429
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,520
And also... Oh, sorry.
430
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,160
He said he's got to go now,
actually.
431
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,760
Yeah, but could you just tell him...
Yeah, sorry. Keith!
432
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,080
Keith?
433
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:10,760
Walk towards the light.
434
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,800
If you have to go, go.
435
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,600
It's better now than on the journey.
436
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,360
Yeah, if you can hold it.
437
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,120
OK.
438
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,760
There you go.
439
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,400
And you're through.
440
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,360
What... What happened?
441
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,560
Just a bit of cramp.
442
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,200
Oh, yeah.
443
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,600
So, you're all right for the 16th?
444
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,480
Yeah.
445
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,600
No, I'm going to get Mervyn to do
one of his curries.
446
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:49,160
Yeah, yeah. I want white
tablecloths, candles, the lot.
447
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,200
All right. Nice one.
448
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:52,840
Ta-ra.
449
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,360
Oh.
450
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:59,200
All right? You're off, then? Yeah.
451
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,360
Going to meet some friends. Right.
452
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:02,840
What, at Stonehenge, or something?
453
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,200
Zizzi's.
454
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,520
Shamans have to eat. Oh.
455
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,640
And he definitely got through, yeah?
456
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,120
Keith is at peace now. Mm.
457
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,520
It was nice to meet you, Paul.
458
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,400
Wicky. Wicky.
459
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,680
Nice to meet you, Dan Watson.
460
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,240
BEEPING
461
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,440
ENGINE STARTS
462
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,760
MUSIC: Sweet Like Chocolate
by Shanks & Bigfoot
463
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:51,480
# You're sweet like chocolate, boy
464
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:53,600
# Sweet like chocolate... #
465
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,440
CAR HORN TOOTS
466
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,960
# You bring me so much joy
467
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,240
# Sweet like chocolate... #
468
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,680
Ugh!
469
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,160
SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS
470
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,240
SHAMAN: Hello, duck.
471
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,440
It's Muriel here.
472
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,080
This is Sebastian.
473
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,640
I've got TB. HE COUGHS
474
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:44,040
I'm the third and youngest son of
Clarence and Julie.
475
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,840
Is that Keith Patterson?
476
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,840
He says you preferred to
be called Wicky?
477
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,000
MUSIC: You Drive Me Crazy
by Shakin' Stevens
478
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,840
# You know, baby,
when you're in my arms
479
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,840
# I can feel
your loving magic charms
480
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,120
# You drive me crazy
481
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,920
# You drive me crazy
482
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:48,240
# And when I'm looking in those eyes
483
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,240
# I start a-floating
round in paradise
484
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,840
# You drive me crazy
485
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,480
# You drive me crazy... #
486
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,400
OWL HOOTS
487
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,520
# I love you, baby,
and it's plain to see
488
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,600
# I love you, honey
It was meant to be
489
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,960
# You drive me crazy
490
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,680
# You drive me crazy
491
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,760
# You drive me crazy
492
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,760
# You drive me crazy. #
493
00:28:24,810 --> 00:28:29,360
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