All language subtitles for Its Kevin s01e05.eng

Ladies and gentlemen, It's Kevin.

JAUNTY TUBA MUSIC

This programme contains
some strong language

Oh, welcome to the show

This week we're starting loose and free

We've decided to
dispense with any continuity

Now my face is hairless
And now I've got a beard

And in the next shot
that you see me, look,

The beard has disappeared

And now this man who's
singing isn't actually me

I think his name is Francis
and he comes from Tewkesbury

Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show

It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

And that's the title

Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show

It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

Onwards with the
show and continuity is back

? But just to keep it interesting,
I'm standing in a sack. ?

DEEP BREATHING

Actually I'm not sure
if that's interesting at all

So watch me while I run this
way headlong into a wall, go!

Argh! Oh, it's the Affin Affon Sha

It's the Aflinn Eogha Eflan Show

As the taflagg...

- PUNKIER:
- Ah, it's the Kevin Eldon Show

It's the... (Kevin, Kevin, Kevin)

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

Kevin Eldon

? Shoo-o-o-o-o-o-ow. ?

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

What appears to be the trouble?

I think I might be
suffering from depression.

It just flew into the studio.

Looks like it might be a
rare red-tailed hedgehopper,

known for its highly unusual cry...

I'll see if I can get it to make a noise.

...which some say sounds like a human voice.

- VOICE IN BOX: - 'Ere, stop
shaking the box about, you prick!

Yeah, it does sound
quite human, doesn't it?

Look, stop it or I'm going to peck my
way out of here and crap in your eye!

It's lovely.

Makes you think of summer fields.

Arrgh! I warned you!

OK, I'm just going to
pop outside and let it go.

You are dead mate, dead!
What are you looking at?

I'm going to cut you!

Oh, it's hauntingly beautiful.

NONSENSE FRENCH LYRICS
OVER POPPY GUITAR CHORDS

DRAMATIC GAMESHOW MUSIC

Can we have mobiles off, please?

- VOICE BEHIND CAMERA: Sorry!
- Thank you.

Now, you hear a lot of people
saying "Ooh, I'd love to be a king".

CROWD: Ooh I'd love to be a king!

But it's not easy being a
king. Just ask Prince Charles.

KLAXON BLARES

I mean, personally, I'd hate to be a king.

For a start, you'd have to be nice to
people you knew for a fact were scum.

You'd stink of velvet.
You'd probably have syphilis.

All you'd get to eat would
be gossamer omelettes.

Republicans would say "Your
Majesty" to you all sarcastically.

Cardinals would be outside your
bedroom door whispering all night.

There'd be a man in charge
of cleaning your bottom

and all the pictures of you on
stamps wouldn't have any irises.

Basically, you'd be so spoilt,
you wouldn't be happy. Not really.

And what about all the
bowing and the scraping, eh?

That's a mixed blessing. How can I put it?

ORNATE HARPSICHORD RIFF

Some people dream of monarchy

The very thought of royalty just
fills their hearts with joy and glee

They'd like to be a king

Oh, yes, we yearn to wear a crown,

Some silkened pants and an ermine gown

Oh, being common gets
us down, we'd love to be a king

But do you think from
misery you'd really be escaping?

The bowing would be very ni-i-i-i-ice

But what about the scraping?

The bowing would be very ni-i-i-i...

? ...i-i-i-i-ce. ?

But what about the scraping?

You've got to admit, though, haven't you?

Kings, they haven't exactly
got a brilliant track record.

Henry VIII, for example.
Destroyer of Monasteries.

Big man, but he was out of shape.

Hardly a candidate for spouse or
partner of the millennium was he?

Thanks, Alison.

FERAL SCREAMING

KNOCKING

Come in.

- Morning, Anne.
- Sire. - Anne. - Sire.

- Catherine. - Sire.
- Catherine. - Sire.

- Catherine. - Sire. - Jane.
- (MAN'S VOICE) - Sire.

Now, listen. I'm fed up
with this six wives business,

it's giving me the hump. So
I'm going to execute two of you,

divorce another two,
one of you can die of

natural causes and the
other can survive my death.

I'm not bothered what happens to
who. Sort it out yourselves. Ta-ta.

ARGUING

Even some of the lesser-known crowned heads

made a far from positive
impact on British history.

- Thanks very much, Alison.
- FERAL SCREAM

Take King Leonard.

In a reign lasting only five days
he managed to ban crackling,

upset his tailor and had the
population of Wales put to death,

by the population of Scotland.

On the plus side, he
did legalise speed dating.

But generally, kings,

they can take their crowns
and shove them right up their...

- Near.
- Far!

- Near.
- Far!

- Equidistant.
- Equidistant.

- Equidistant.
- Equidistant.

- Far!
- Near.

- Far!
- Near.

Oh, there's a really great bit
coming up near the end of the show.

Let's have a quick look.

No, not that bit. Hang on.

No, not that bit.

Um, er...

Not that bit.

Not that bit.

Ooh, that bit. There you go.

Look at him, look at him.
Look at him, look at him.

Look at him, look at him.
Look at him, look at him.

I'm really looking forward to that bit.

Now then, my name is Stanley Dewthorpe.

I am a fictional man
from the North of England,

a fantastical construct of some
southern bastard's diseased mind.

T'other day I were down Griddle Wallop
Arms having a pint of Southern Tussock

with Harry Peasbury. You
know Harry, with the face.

The one the walks along,
that sits down, that eats food.

The one that murdered Colonel Gaddafi.

Suddenly I noticed that all me adverbs

that I were using in
conversation were physically

manifesting themselves
into trapeziums.

Is it trapeziums or trapezia? I don't care!

I were that embarrassed, I
didn't know where to hide me face.

I tried the Breville toaster but
they found it in three minutes, flat.

Thank you! Oh, Gerry the landlord,
he were killing himself laughing.

He said "I'm sorry Stanley, I
can see you're embarrassed."

He said, "It's just that Tony
Bits were in here last Wednesday

"and his adjectives were
nicking peoples pork scratchings",

"Whatever next? Arthur
Beakstone's indefinite articles

"opening a nail shop in the
High Street?" I had to laugh.

I had to, I had to, I had to, I had
to - hoo - kill me, I had to, hee,

I had to - her - I had
to - har - I had to - huay,

I had to haaa...

I'm on this special diet at the moment.

All I'm allowed to eat of an
evening is one loaf of bread

and one measly leg of lamb.

Pathetic! Oh well.

And you join us here live for the finals

of the Outraged '70s Sitcom Vicar Playoff.

On the left here, Colin Snodgrass,

at 42, a comparatively
young '70s sitcom vicar.

And fast gaining the reputation
of being thoroughly outraged

at the slightest lapse in moral propriety.

On the right, Desmond
Winkleberry, 64 years old,

yet showing no signs of gaining
any tolerance at all of anything

outside the narrow confines

of accepted 19th century
Christian convention.

And now pouring the
first tea of the competition,

here's tonight's official, Mrs
Valerie Bainbridge of Weybridge.

A veteran of many occasions such as these.

And as she takes her place at the curtains,

final prayers have been said and...

- BELL RINGS
- ...there goes the bell.

And the first cups of the
evening are raised to the lips.

A sip is taken.

Very tense.

Oh, that's quite a
challenging opening salvo.

That's really rattled
them. The word bum there,

a vulgar term for the
buttocks or glutinous maximus.

Let's have a look at the replay
and as to who had the edge,

it's hard to call. Lets see how
they scored on the indignometer.

That's a dead heat. Both
men of the cloth scandalised.

And that's three points apiece.
Well, what an exciting start.

Both men fairly evenly
matched, although Winkleberry,

a finalist for two years
running, a favourite by an edge.

There's the bell. And let's see
what is next behind the curtain.

They take their sips.

And here we go.

And I must say, at first glance
there doesn't seem to be anything

here to cause consternation.

Oh, wait a minute! And,
yes, they've seen it. There it is.

There are no wedding rings
on this young couple's fingers

and that means their child
was born out of wedlock.

And I must say that really
has rattled their vicarial cages.

The institution of marriage,
so important to these guys.

Here's the replay, look.

And yes, Snodgrass just
registering his disapproval

of the bastard issue of an unblessed union

a split second before his opponent.

Here's the indignometer

And both at Outraged.

But that very slightly earlier
demonstration of disapprobation from

Snodgrass just edging the younger
parish leader ahead by half a point.

Winkleberry 7, Snodgrass 7 and a half.

So, thrills and spills
in tonight's electrifying

standoff between these
two dog-collared titans.

Join us for the decisive
final round after the break.

Waaa! Bucket of Water Warehouse!

We've got buckets of
water stacked to the rafters!

Thousands of bucket of
waters, like this bucket of water!

Only 1.99! And this
bucket of water, only 3.99!

And these end of line bucket
of waters only 10.99 for four!

While stocks last, but
hurry! Everything must go!

Including Bucket of Water Warehouse, which
is on a hill and has wheels on each corner!

Bucket of Water Warehouse!

If it's buckets of water you're
after, we're your warehouse!

Waaaa!

And a warm welcome back to the
Outraged '70s Sitcom Vicars Playoff Final.

Well, this is edge of
the pew stuff all right.

And right now I wouldn't
like to lay a bet either way.

And if I did I'd do it
very surreptitiously.

Both these chaps very down
on gambling. There's the bell.

In this exciting finals of the
Outraged '70s Sitcom Vicar Playoff.

And the last sip.

And, well, this is quite unusual.

Can't see anything
morally untoward here at all.

Quite the opposite in fact.

Goodness gracious me!
Well, we weren't expecting that!

And this has sent the two '70s
vicars into outrage overdrive.

Oh, look at this!

Have you ever seen tea
spat in such a forceful manner?

And they really don't know
what to do with themselves.

And Snodgrass particularly

seems to... Oh, my goodness me!

He's stood up and his
trousers have fallen down!

I don't believe it.

Snodgrass' trousers have
fallen down and look at this,

look at this, oh, somebody pinch me!

He's looking faint! And he's fainted!

Straight into a Victoria sponge!

Goodness gracious! Let's
have a look at the replay.

And look at the pressure!

The sheer force behind
both of those tea spurts.

But look here, you can see Snodgrass,

he's finished his tea spurt.

He's up and then down come the trousers

and have you seen
anybody look so appalled?!

Just when you think that's enough,

this happens, straight
into a fresh Victoria sponge.

Winkleberry knows the game is over for him.

And so now a final
look at the Indignometer,

and, goodness me, Winkleberry has top marks

but Snodgrass is off the scale.

And so the winner of this
year's 1970s Sitcom Vicar Playoff,

Colin Snodgrass!

Well, that hardly touched the sides!

Here, it says in this book

that it's better to get shot by a
firing squad at dawn than dusk.

But is that just an old wives' tale?

Well, George here was
shot by a firing squad at dawn

and Richard here was shot
by a firing squad at dusk.

Doesn't seem to make
much difference, does it?

What do you say to that, old wives?

Bollocks!

Thanks, old wives. Thanks, guys.

Ladies and gentlemen, your
respect please for Mr Crab Marley.

- ROOTS REGGAE MUSIC
- This crustacean! Across the nation!

With specification!

I am a crab in a tank

I am a crab in a tank

? I'm not a cab in a rank. ? No way!

I am a crab in a tank

I am a crab in a tank.
I won't be dressed!

I am a crab in a tank

? I'm not a kebab in a bank. ?

Ow! I am a crab in a tank

And my mind is sweet

? 'Cause I smoke a little seaweed. ?

- ECHOING:
- Waa-waa-waa-waa!

Cold.

Cold.

Warm.

Warmer!

Hot!

Boiling! Boiling!

Cold.

Warm.

Cold.

- You got any rubbish?
- No.

- Well, you can have this then.
- Oh, thanks, Bob!

- So, how are you?
- Oh, very well, thanks, Kevin.

- Glad to hear it.
- Well, I say very well,

you wouldn't know it, I've
actually got ingrowing legs.

- Ingrowing legs?
- Ingrowing legs.

The problem started while I
was working as a buffet guard.

On a train.

No.

Oh.

- 'I guarded buffets.
- Oh, right.

'Three years training.

'Not everyone makes it
through, but I stuck with it.

'I dealt with it all in my time.

'Everything from the threat
of contamination of trifles

- 'by pickled onions.
- Ooh.

'To simple plate overloading.

'You'd be amazed at what some
people would try and get away with.

'So, were you good at it then?

'I was a natural. Buffet
Bob they called me.

- 'Why did they call you that?
- Oh, that would take too long to explain.

'It's a bit of an in-joke.
Anyway, I couldn't do it forever.

'Dealing with bridesmaids
who'd taken all the crudites.

'Well, it's a young man's game.

'There's more to you than
meets the eye, isn't there, Bob?

Oh, yes, Kevin. I am a
mysterious man, with hidden depths.

Right, I'd better crack on.
Your toilet's blocked again!

MOUTHING GUNFIRE

MOUTHING SCREAMING AND EXPLOSIONS

- Big!
- Small.

- Big!
- Small.

- Same.
- Same.

- Same.
- Same.

- Small.
- Big!

- Small.
- Big!

Lets meet somebody who's
written a book about music hall.

And it's a young man by
the name of Mark Woods.

Hello, Mark, how old are you?

- I'm 37.
- 37? Wow!

And you've got a family connection
to music hall, haven't you?

Yes, I do. My great grandfather, Al Woods,

was one half of the comedy duo
Whitstable Al and Adaptable Hal.

Do you want some juice?

- No.
- OK.

And now we've got a fantastic
clip of your great-grandfather

and his comedy partner
from 1929, haven't we?

Yes, we do.

- Shall we have a look?
- OK.

Do you want another cushion
so you're sitting a bit higher?

- I'm fine.
- OK.

LAUGHTER

- But wait a minute, Al.
- What's that, Hal?

I have a leg where me arm should
be and an arm where me leg should be.

LAUGHTER

Tell you what, how about...

...I take this over there...

...and take this off here...

...then put this on here...

...and this on here?

Now, what do you reckon to that?

Yes, I am, I really do.

You want to do what now?

- I really do feel...
- Really do feel what now?

I really do feel like me old self again.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

JAUNTY MUSIC

Whitstable Al and Adaptable Hal there.

Now you mention lots of
different acts in your book?

- Yeah.
- Don't say "Yeah". It's yes.

Yes.

There were some wonderfully
original performers out there.

'There was Hobson and Pugh.

'Now, we've got a clip of them.

'They would shoot each
other in the stomach with rifles.

'Are you warm enough?

- 'Yeah. - Yes.
- Yes! Really.

'There was Brawny Betty.

'She could pick herself up by her own hair.

'Amazing.'

Just a few of the
characters featured in this,

'The Golden Years Of
Music Hall' by Mark Woods.

Available is what book shops
there are still left. Well done, Mark.

You all right?

Where's my mother?

It's all right, she's just over there.

Mrs Woods, could you...?

- Is he all right?
- I think he's just tired.

Hi, my name is Paul
Hamilton and I am a poet.

Poetry on TV. It's like a bishop on crack.

Do you drive a car? You
do. Well, shame on you.

Roadside, roadside genocide.

Roadside Genocide is
the title of this week's poem.

Hey. What's black and
white and red all over?

A magpie that's been hit by a Rover.

And that's not funny,
it's a bird all runny.

And what about the others all now gone?

The list goes on and on and on

and on and on and on and
on and on and on and on.

A rook with both its eyes washed out.

An owl with entrails strewn about.

What once was a mouse is now a stain and,
ooh, what's that? It's a puppy dog's brain.

A rabbit in the habit of being alive.

Yeah, until it got hit by a Mazda 5.

And on and on and on and
on and on and on, but wait.

What's that up in the road ahead?

A car crash and the driver's dead.

And by the road stands an orphaned vole,

and he laughs and he shouts
from the depths of his soul.

"Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha, death
to the driver, death to the car."

Roadside, roadside
genocide. Roadside genocide.

Drive care-ful-ly.

LOW-PITCHED LAUGHTER

Ah, there you go. Another
show's just flown by.

Lets see what's coming up next week.

I'll be demonstrating that a little
knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Yeah, buy. No, sell. Sell. Sell.

No, yeah, sell. Sell.

It's the semi finals of the
Zulu Darts Championships.

DISTANT BATTLE CHANTING

And I'll be asking international
peace envoy Tony Blair

some probing questions.

POPPING SOUND

Care for some pop?

I fell in love with a pretty little girl

And she makes me feel so fine

All the other guys
fell in love with her too

But I know that girl is mine

? Now I'm jumping up and down. ?

- Jump!
- I'm jumping up and down.

- Jump!
- I'm jump, jump, jump

? Yes, I'm jumping up and down. ?

Here we go!

Jump!

Jump!

I killed the other guys
with me own bare hands

And I made sure she could see

Then I ate their brains and now she knows

I'm superior genetically

? Now I'm jumping up and down. ?

- Jump!
- Jumping up and down.

- Jump!
- Jump, jump, jump

Yes, I'm jump, jump, jump

- Jumping up and down.
- Jump!

NONSENSE FRENCH LYRICS
OVER POPPY GUITAR CHORDS

Quoi?

WASHING MACHINE BEGINS CYCLE

Repair and Synchronization by
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