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00:00:02,484 --> 00:00:04,684
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
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00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:13,444
Yeah, welcome to the show
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00:00:13,444 --> 00:00:15,364
Now and I don't want to be rude
4
00:00:15,364 --> 00:00:18,764
But I'm afraid you've caught
me in a rather sulky mood
5
00:00:18,764 --> 00:00:22,044
I've asked the show's producer
if he could get on the case
6
00:00:22,044 --> 00:00:25,324
And find some things to put
the smile back on my sullen face
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00:00:25,324 --> 00:00:28,884
Oh, here's a plate of chips
and here's a lovely old guitar
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00:00:28,884 --> 00:00:32,164
Some fizzy pop, a kitten
and a lady in her bra! Hoorah!
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00:00:32,164 --> 00:00:35,204
Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
10
00:00:35,204 --> 00:00:38,924
It's the Kevin, Kevin
Eldon Show And that's the title
11
00:00:38,924 --> 00:00:41,804
Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
12
00:00:41,804 --> 00:00:45,244
It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show Achoo!
13
00:00:45,244 --> 00:00:48,844
I'm feeling much revived
I feel ecstatic hip-hooray!
14
00:00:48,844 --> 00:00:52,244
In fact I might be going
much too far the other way
15
00:00:52,244 --> 00:00:55,244
I think my smile is moving
to the stage of overload
16
00:00:55,244 --> 00:00:58,124
? Quick show me something sad
or else my face just might explode! ?
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00:00:58,124 --> 00:00:59,244
Sad!
18
00:00:59,244 --> 00:01:01,884
CRYING AND FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING
19
00:01:05,604 --> 00:01:10,844
Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
20
00:01:10,844 --> 00:01:12,324
It's called It's Kevin
21
00:01:12,324 --> 00:01:15,404
Argh! It's the Kevin Eldon Show
22
00:01:15,404 --> 00:01:17,564
It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
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00:01:17,564 --> 00:01:19,084
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
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Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
25
00:01:20,804 --> 00:01:22,364
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
26
00:01:22,364 --> 00:01:31,204
? Kevin Eldon show! ?
27
00:01:35,324 --> 00:01:38,444
Men's hair fashion has come a quite
a way since the short back and sides
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our fathers and grandfathers all sported.
29
00:01:40,444 --> 00:01:45,284
Long hair may be with it but
is IT a good thing to be with?
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00:01:45,284 --> 00:01:47,284
Quite apart from the creepy crawlies
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using long hair as the perfect
squatting opportunity - yuck!
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Long hair is also a perfect
menace when it comes to eating...
33
00:01:54,684 --> 00:01:56,364
skiing...
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00:01:56,364 --> 00:01:59,444
or operating industrial machinery.
35
00:01:59,444 --> 00:02:03,124
From Monday the 1st May
1972, every male in Britain
36
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:06,164
and Northern Ireland over
the age of 14 will be entitled to
37
00:02:06,164 --> 00:02:08,284
a National Health haircut.
38
00:02:08,284 --> 00:02:11,324
A cut will cost you nothing except
the time taken to visit your doctor
39
00:02:11,324 --> 00:02:12,684
and collect a prescription,
40
00:02:12,684 --> 00:02:14,444
which you'll then be required to present
41
00:02:14,444 --> 00:02:16,844
at your nearest National
Health hairdresser.
42
00:02:16,844 --> 00:02:22,044
They can be found at most chemists,
Weighbridges and in the Royal Docks.
43
00:02:22,044 --> 00:02:23,764
There are two cuts...
44
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Both cuts strike the right balance
between trendy and sensible.
45
00:02:29,884 --> 00:02:32,564
You wont look square
but you will look stylish.
46
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So, use your head, have
yourself a National Health haircut.
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00:02:46,244 --> 00:02:47,324
Er, excuse me,
48
00:02:47,324 --> 00:02:50,604
is this the waiting room for the
World's Biggest Building Competition?
49
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- Yes.
- All right, thank you.
50
00:03:18,844 --> 00:03:22,484
Well, what about this?
The great Spagboletti.
51
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MUSIC: "Funiculi,
Funicula" By Peppino Turco
52
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- Ciao!
- Ciao! - Ciao!
53
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- Ciao! - Ciao!
- Ciao! - Ciao!
54
00:03:29,204 --> 00:03:31,684
- Ciao! - Ciao! - Ciao!
- Ciao! - Ciao!
55
00:03:31,684 --> 00:03:33,444
- Get on with it.
- Si.
56
00:03:33,444 --> 00:03:36,844
Ciao! My name is the great Spagboletti.
57
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All of my life, my arch enemy
has a been Spaghetti Bolognese.
58
00:03:41,884 --> 00:03:45,444
But why do you, an Italian
man, hate Spaghetti Bolognese?
59
00:03:45,444 --> 00:03:47,324
- I don't know?
- (He doesn't know!)
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00:03:47,324 --> 00:03:53,004
So, here you see tank
containing Spaghetti Bolognese.
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In which I will submerge
myself up to my chin.
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Wait till you see it. It's amazing.
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00:03:57,804 --> 00:04:02,484
In Italy, when I submerge myself
up to my chin, women scream
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and men punch themselves in the face.
65
00:04:04,964 --> 00:04:06,644
In Milan, the men scream
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and the women punch a themselves
in the face but that's Milan for you.
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Oh, Milan, Milan, Milan.
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00:04:14,364 --> 00:04:18,844
So, in this way I show my
enemy that I do not fear him.
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00:04:18,844 --> 00:04:22,724
I shame him. This Spaghetti Bolognese!
70
00:04:22,724 --> 00:04:25,844
- Right, so...
- I run out of a spit, you spit please?
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00:04:25,844 --> 00:04:27,484
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
72
00:04:29,124 --> 00:04:30,644
- Grazie!
- Prego.
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00:04:30,644 --> 00:04:33,684
Right, so if you'd like to, er...
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DRUM ROLLING
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Right, so, there's not a lot I
can say to prepare you for this.
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So, quite simply, this
is the great Spagboletti.
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OK, now I show you, Mr
meat based pasta dish!
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Right now!
79
00:04:54,644 --> 00:04:58,844
That's a right, it's me again!
You thought I'd gone away.
80
00:04:58,844 --> 00:05:00,724
Well, wrong again, you fool.
81
00:05:00,724 --> 00:05:02,804
And I tell you, any second now,
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you're going to wish you was never made.
83
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Stay there, stay right there.
84
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,284
HE SNUFFLES
85
00:05:10,284 --> 00:05:13,964
Hey, did I tell you how much I hate you?
86
00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:16,684
Well, I tell a you now!
87
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:18,964
A LOT! I hate you...
88
00:05:18,964 --> 00:05:22,244
Yeah, there is actually
usually quite a bit of psyching up
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00:05:22,244 --> 00:05:23,324
before he goes in.
90
00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:24,884
So, while that's going on,
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00:05:24,884 --> 00:05:28,164
here's an interesting fact about
the great Spagboletti's homeland.
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00:05:29,844 --> 00:05:32,084
Like many countries in the Eurozone,
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00:05:32,084 --> 00:05:34,684
Italy is in the grip of
an economic downturn
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but in Italy the down-and-outs
don't say, "Any spare change."
95
00:05:38,164 --> 00:05:39,924
They sing things like...
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00:05:39,924 --> 00:05:43,244
My mother fell in love
with a man called Guido
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He was the Vineyard owner on the hill
98
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My father in a terrible rage of passion
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My mother and a Guido did a-kill
100
00:05:51,204 --> 00:05:55,764
Now I am so emotionally vulnerable
That I cannot work but only cry
101
00:05:55,764 --> 00:05:59,244
So, give me a beggar
just a few spare euros
102
00:05:59,244 --> 00:06:11,324
? Or I'm afraid that I
will starve and die! ?
103
00:06:11,324 --> 00:06:16,004
My father hated you. My
father's father hated you too.
104
00:06:16,004 --> 00:06:20,924
My father's father's father
actually quite liked you -
105
00:06:20,924 --> 00:06:22,324
but he was a freak!
106
00:06:22,324 --> 00:06:25,604
And, anyway, HIS father
hated you even more than I do.
107
00:06:25,604 --> 00:06:27,604
- Er, great Spagboletti?
- Si.
108
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:30,684
Could you give us a little shout
when you're actually going in?
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No problem.
110
00:06:32,044 --> 00:06:34,324
- Grazie.
- Prego.
111
00:06:34,324 --> 00:06:35,444
And now this.
112
00:06:35,444 --> 00:06:38,164
Now, my mother, she was ambivalent.
113
00:06:40,044 --> 00:06:42,604
Mmm, this is nice. What is it?
114
00:06:42,604 --> 00:06:43,924
Liquid.
115
00:06:43,924 --> 00:06:44,964
Mmm, I love liquid.
116
00:06:44,964 --> 00:06:47,644
Oh, Caroline's a bit of a
liquid buff. Aren't you, love?
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00:06:47,644 --> 00:06:49,284
Yes, I do like my liquids.
118
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,004
THEY ALL CHUCKLE
119
00:06:51,004 --> 00:06:54,164
So, what you driving these days then, Matt?
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00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:58,044
- A car. Made by a car manufacturer...
- Oh, very nice.
121
00:06:58,044 --> 00:06:59,564
...with various features.
122
00:06:59,564 --> 00:07:00,964
Argh!
123
00:07:02,164 --> 00:07:06,724
Oh, I forgot to ask, how was the
holiday in a hot country far away?
124
00:07:06,724 --> 00:07:08,804
Oh, really nice.
125
00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:12,524
But well, slightly spoiled
for Adam by a minor mishap,
126
00:07:12,524 --> 00:07:15,884
which brought about an embarrassing
yet amusing set of circumstances!
127
00:07:15,884 --> 00:07:17,884
THEY ALL LAUGH
128
00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:21,684
I tell you what, about an event.
129
00:07:21,684 --> 00:07:24,324
I know. I've reacted to it.
130
00:07:24,324 --> 00:07:27,164
I read in a newspaper that it's
been going on for a period of time.
131
00:07:27,164 --> 00:07:28,684
Yeah, well, did you see a programme?
132
00:07:28,684 --> 00:07:31,084
A man said an event was
caused by another event.
133
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:33,004
- Well, I have an opinion about it.
- Oh, me too.
134
00:07:33,004 --> 00:07:34,964
Well, mine's slightly different from yours.
135
00:07:34,964 --> 00:07:36,924
Well, I didn't have an opinion about it
136
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:41,204
but I have a opinion about it now,
which I've just made up on the spot.
137
00:07:41,204 --> 00:07:43,124
A thing.
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00:07:43,124 --> 00:07:46,524
- A comment on that thing.
- I further comment on that thing.
139
00:07:46,524 --> 00:07:47,964
An unrelated thing.
140
00:08:01,764 --> 00:08:04,084
HE LAUGHS
141
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,924
"An unrelated thing"!
142
00:08:06,924 --> 00:08:09,924
Here's another one for you. Knock-knock...
143
00:08:11,284 --> 00:08:12,524
Yes?
144
00:08:15,924 --> 00:08:18,924
Doctor, people seem to have a
slight difficulty understanding me.
145
00:08:18,924 --> 00:08:20,844
- Understonding you?
- Understanding me.
146
00:08:20,844 --> 00:08:22,764
- Understinding you?
- Understanding me!
147
00:08:22,764 --> 00:08:24,564
- Understeinding you?!
- Oh, never mind!
148
00:08:24,564 --> 00:08:25,764
Never mooned?
149
00:08:25,764 --> 00:08:27,804
- Forget it!
- Forgoot it?!
150
00:08:30,324 --> 00:08:31,764
Doctors sketch there.
151
00:08:31,764 --> 00:08:34,124
- Thanks, Alison.
- Ahh!
152
00:08:34,124 --> 00:08:35,804
Time for the archive slot.
153
00:08:35,804 --> 00:08:37,004
'Archoove slot?!'
154
00:08:41,164 --> 00:08:44,924
All Fall Down was a
hard-hitting 1984 television drama
155
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:47,844
written by award-winning
playwright Ken Bleaksdale
156
00:08:47,844 --> 00:08:51,044
and it followed the changing
fortunes of a working class family
157
00:08:51,044 --> 00:08:52,764
in recession-hit Liverpool.
158
00:08:52,764 --> 00:08:56,564
Talk to me, Donnie!
Why won't you talk to me?!
159
00:08:56,564 --> 00:08:58,884
All right, Lizzie...
160
00:08:58,884 --> 00:09:00,524
I'll talk to ya -
161
00:09:00,524 --> 00:09:02,404
our Billy's on smack!
162
00:09:02,404 --> 00:09:04,404
And I've been laid off.
163
00:09:04,404 --> 00:09:07,324
There. What have ya got to say to that?
164
00:09:09,324 --> 00:09:10,964
(I've got AIDS!)
165
00:09:12,124 --> 00:09:15,244
Attracting plaudits and
criticism in equal measure,
166
00:09:15,244 --> 00:09:19,404
All Fall Down's uncompromising
grittiness gave voice to the worries
167
00:09:19,404 --> 00:09:21,644
and concerns of the simple everyman.
168
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:26,684
Militant, Sandinistic, Gravano,
Trotskyite situationist...
169
00:09:28,844 --> 00:09:29,964
...JESUS!
170
00:09:33,524 --> 00:09:35,444
Can't there be a socialist utopia?
171
00:09:42,564 --> 00:09:45,884
But in the final episode the
mood grew somewhat darker.
172
00:09:52,684 --> 00:09:55,284
One fish finger.
173
00:09:55,284 --> 00:09:57,924
That's all there is. Just one fish finger.
174
00:09:57,924 --> 00:09:59,564
There's only one fish finger.
175
00:09:59,564 --> 00:10:01,524
There's nothing else but one fish finger.
176
00:10:01,524 --> 00:10:03,324
Here it is, that's it.
177
00:10:03,324 --> 00:10:06,284
Just one fish finger and
it's a burnt fish finger.
178
00:10:06,284 --> 00:10:07,724
That's all there is.
179
00:10:07,724 --> 00:10:11,684
Mum, Dad, I've got something to say...
180
00:10:13,964 --> 00:10:15,124
...I'm pregnant...
181
00:10:17,604 --> 00:10:19,084
...and I've got AIDS!
182
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:23,804
And...I'm joining the Young Conservatives!
183
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:29,044
Finally, viewers were invited
to contemplate the unthinkable.
184
00:10:30,244 --> 00:10:34,764
'Attention. Britain is under nuclear
attack from the Soviet Union.'
185
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:37,924
SIRENS WAILING 'Find shelter, immediately.
186
00:10:37,924 --> 00:10:43,404
'Repeat, Britain is under nuclear
attack from the Soviet Union.
187
00:10:43,404 --> 00:10:45,604
'Find shelter, immediately.'
188
00:10:48,044 --> 00:10:49,404
Imagine that?
189
00:10:50,604 --> 00:10:53,484
A side-tracked underclass
living in dire poverty
190
00:10:53,484 --> 00:10:55,324
with no work and even less hope.
191
00:10:57,884 --> 00:11:01,964
I'm implying that that's still going
on, you know, in Britain today.
192
00:11:01,964 --> 00:11:06,444
"Oh, hello, everybody,
I'm Spaghetti Bolognese!"
193
00:11:06,444 --> 00:11:08,524
HE SPITS
194
00:11:08,524 --> 00:11:12,684
"I contain oregano and
I'm a bloody brilliant!"
195
00:11:12,684 --> 00:11:17,324
Well, I have news for you!
You're not, you're rubbish!
196
00:11:17,324 --> 00:11:20,684
Here, what have you to say to that?
197
00:11:20,684 --> 00:11:22,444
Eh?
198
00:11:22,444 --> 00:11:23,604
Nothing!
199
00:11:23,604 --> 00:11:24,884
Ahhh!
200
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:28,604
You have a nothing to say to that. Typical!
201
00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:29,844
SIRENS WAILING
202
00:11:29,844 --> 00:11:33,764
What would it be like if fascist
scum Adolf Hitler had actually
203
00:11:33,764 --> 00:11:37,364
had the vocal tone of posh
musical producer George Martin?
204
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:41,124
Hm? Eh? What?
205
00:11:42,844 --> 00:11:45,284
So where did it all go wrong?
206
00:11:45,284 --> 00:11:47,684
Well, I'm sure you've
heard a lot of people say
207
00:11:47,684 --> 00:11:50,084
that it was when the
Japanese became involved
208
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:53,604
but that's far from the whole story.
209
00:11:53,604 --> 00:11:55,644
I think we lost a lot of fans
210
00:11:55,644 --> 00:11:58,164
when we started getting more experimental.
211
00:11:58,164 --> 00:12:02,044
Suddenly we weren't the lovable
National Socialists any more.
212
00:12:02,044 --> 00:12:04,604
It was, "Oh, those crazy Nazi's,
213
00:12:04,604 --> 00:12:07,404
"they're into administering
weird drugs now."
214
00:12:07,404 --> 00:12:09,804
And certainly there
were personal differences.
215
00:12:09,804 --> 00:12:11,564
Heinrich, for example,
216
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:15,764
was getting into all this far out
annihilation of cultures and stuff.
217
00:12:15,764 --> 00:12:20,164
In particular, the consciousness of
anybody who wasn't German or a Nazi.
218
00:12:20,164 --> 00:12:23,724
Whilst Goering just wanted to play drums.
219
00:12:23,724 --> 00:12:27,244
But, whatever, they were fantastic times
220
00:12:27,244 --> 00:12:30,164
and I wouldn't have
missed them for the world.
221
00:12:30,164 --> 00:12:34,044
Although, I suppose it was the
world that I was after in the first place.
222
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:37,364
So I suppose, I would have
missed them for the world
223
00:12:37,364 --> 00:12:38,884
but not for anything else...
224
00:12:40,044 --> 00:12:42,484
...not for anything else...
225
00:12:42,484 --> 00:12:44,244
SIRENS WAILING AND BOOTS MARCHING
226
00:12:44,244 --> 00:12:47,764
...not for anything...would
I have missed them...
227
00:12:47,764 --> 00:12:51,204
- GERMAN ACCENT:
- No! Not a single thing!
228
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,924
Would I have missed them for!
229
00:12:53,924 --> 00:12:56,324
Fabulous times!
230
00:12:57,324 --> 00:12:59,564
Yeah, it'd be like that.
231
00:13:02,964 --> 00:13:05,484
SHOUTING AND SCREAMING
232
00:13:08,964 --> 00:13:12,284
For some reason, we've got
thousands of screaming pillows.
233
00:13:12,284 --> 00:13:15,084
Down stuffed and
louder than jets in reverse.
234
00:13:15,084 --> 00:13:17,644
Buy one screaming pillow, get seven free.
235
00:13:17,644 --> 00:13:21,524
Buy 7 screaming pillows
and get 500 free! That's right.
236
00:13:21,524 --> 00:13:23,764
You heard me! Absolutely free!
237
00:13:23,764 --> 00:13:27,684
And we'll deliver your screaming
pillows to your door, gratis!
238
00:13:27,684 --> 00:13:29,764
Screaming pillows, get some today.
239
00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:33,404
Argh!
240
00:13:35,204 --> 00:13:38,524
Have you ever wanted to play a
musical instrument like the stars?
241
00:13:38,524 --> 00:13:40,604
Yeah. But it'd take ages.
242
00:13:40,604 --> 00:13:42,164
No, it wont!
243
00:13:42,164 --> 00:13:45,004
Because with Easyplay Teach
Yourself Chair and Stick Guidebooks,
244
00:13:45,004 --> 00:13:47,924
you can master your
favourite pop hits in minutes.
245
00:13:47,924 --> 00:13:51,564
Why not try the songs of Coldplay,
arranged for chair and stick...
246
00:13:53,924 --> 00:13:58,004
...or Kate Bush's The Sensual
World arranged for chair and stick...
247
00:14:00,004 --> 00:14:03,364
...or the music of Peter Andre
arranged for chair and stick?
248
00:14:06,364 --> 00:14:08,044
Just follow our easy system
249
00:14:08,044 --> 00:14:11,924
and in no time you'll be playing
chair and stick like a professional.
250
00:14:11,924 --> 00:14:15,004
Why not get together with
friends and form a band?
251
00:14:15,004 --> 00:14:18,084
Easyplay Teach Yourself
Chair and Stick Guidebooks.
252
00:14:18,084 --> 00:14:20,804
Let the music move you.
253
00:14:20,804 --> 00:14:22,524
Chair and stick not included.
254
00:14:25,884 --> 00:14:27,924
I thought I'd bring Bob an artichoke,
255
00:14:27,924 --> 00:14:32,084
to thank him for all the hard
work he does about the place.
256
00:14:32,084 --> 00:14:33,364
(Bob loves artichokes.)
257
00:14:33,364 --> 00:14:34,404
Come in.
258
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:37,324
Hello, Bob.
259
00:14:38,524 --> 00:14:41,844
Oh, thanks, Kevin! I love artichokes.
260
00:14:41,844 --> 00:14:43,604
I'll just put it in my locker.
261
00:14:43,604 --> 00:14:45,804
CRASHING AND SMASHING
262
00:14:51,884 --> 00:14:55,124
Sometimes I wonder if you're
making the best use of the space?
263
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,764
Don't you think?
264
00:14:58,764 --> 00:15:01,564
Nah! I don't go in for all
that Feng Shu palaver.
265
00:15:05,284 --> 00:15:09,764
Hey, so you keep entrails in your locker?
266
00:15:09,764 --> 00:15:11,484
Oh, yeah.
267
00:15:11,484 --> 00:15:14,404
Right, well, I was just
passing by. So, I'll just, erm...
268
00:15:20,204 --> 00:15:21,844
Oh, no, no, no!
269
00:15:21,844 --> 00:15:24,044
Oh, I think our hair's caught.
270
00:15:24,044 --> 00:15:27,644
OK. So, pull after
three. One, two, three...
271
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,924
OK, I'll just...
272
00:15:36,804 --> 00:15:39,044
- Ta, for the artichoke.
- You're welcome.
273
00:15:48,924 --> 00:15:53,964
Hi. My name is Paul
Hamilton and I am a poet.
274
00:15:53,964 --> 00:15:57,524
And, er, newsflash, so are you.
275
00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:01,124
This week's poem chronicles
276
00:16:01,124 --> 00:16:05,844
a supposedly romantic
candlelit dinner for two,
277
00:16:05,844 --> 00:16:09,124
which...didn't quite go as planned.
278
00:16:10,124 --> 00:16:11,884
Personal experience.
279
00:16:11,884 --> 00:16:13,484
This is called Hate Date.
280
00:16:15,084 --> 00:16:18,924
You didn't like my Gooseberry
wine You said you'd rather lager
281
00:16:18,924 --> 00:16:20,524
You said, "What's wrong with microwaves?"
282
00:16:20,524 --> 00:16:22,324
And sneered at my old Aga.
283
00:16:22,324 --> 00:16:25,404
You would not watch Wings Of
Desire the movie by Wim Wenders
284
00:16:25,404 --> 00:16:29,644
Instead the shrieking cockney
angst The foulness of Eastenders
285
00:16:29,644 --> 00:16:32,484
My shirt, my hair, my Rothko
prints All claimed your disapproval
286
00:16:32,484 --> 00:16:36,084
And even my best underpants
after trous-er removal
287
00:16:36,084 --> 00:16:39,284
Oh, it was not surely love we
made And not from heaven sent
288
00:16:39,284 --> 00:16:40,924
You vomited my mango flan
289
00:16:40,924 --> 00:16:42,724
You came and came Came one more time
290
00:16:42,724 --> 00:16:44,644
You punched my cat then went.
291
00:16:53,684 --> 00:16:55,844
Well, well, well, it's
the White Coat Window
292
00:16:55,844 --> 00:16:57,484
on the World of Worldwide Wonders
293
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,684
with the winningly wonderful Wendy Wilson.
294
00:16:59,684 --> 00:17:02,404
- Wendy welcome and wa-wa-woo?
- I'm sorry?
295
00:17:04,244 --> 00:17:07,322
How are you? So, er, what
are we looking at this week?
296
00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:08,364
Tits.
297
00:17:08,364 --> 00:17:10,564
- HE TITTERS
- Yes, tits, Kevin.
298
00:17:12,044 --> 00:17:14,964
Which stands for Totally
Inquisitive Tone Syndrome.
299
00:17:14,964 --> 00:17:17,884
Oh, and what is this syndrome?
300
00:17:17,884 --> 00:17:20,964
Well, those infected are unable
to make a simple statement of fact
301
00:17:20,964 --> 00:17:22,564
without it sounding like a question.
302
00:17:22,564 --> 00:17:26,444
Urgh! And you've got
a sufferer with you here.
303
00:17:26,444 --> 00:17:27,564
Yes. This is Daniel.
304
00:17:27,564 --> 00:17:31,124
- Hi, Daniel. How are you?
- I'm fine?
305
00:17:31,124 --> 00:17:34,044
Well, I've no idea if you're
fine or not. I asked you, didn't I?
306
00:17:34,044 --> 00:17:35,364
And there you have it.
307
00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:36,844
Oh, of course, it's...
308
00:17:36,844 --> 00:17:39,364
Tits. Go on, ask him a question.
309
00:17:39,364 --> 00:17:41,604
OK, er, Daniel, er, where do you work?
310
00:17:41,604 --> 00:17:43,484
In a call centre?
311
00:17:43,484 --> 00:17:44,804
You might do.
312
00:17:44,804 --> 00:17:47,644
Sorry, why do you think I
would know where you...? Ah.
313
00:17:47,644 --> 00:17:49,324
Tits.
314
00:17:49,324 --> 00:17:51,004
So, I see you've got Daniel attached
315
00:17:51,004 --> 00:17:53,404
to this, sort of, contraption
gizmo thing. What's that?
316
00:17:53,404 --> 00:17:55,404
Well, every time he makes a statement
317
00:17:55,404 --> 00:17:56,844
that sounds like a question.
318
00:17:56,844 --> 00:17:58,524
Daniel, tell me what two and two is.
319
00:17:58,524 --> 00:18:01,124
- Four?
- I just push this button.
320
00:18:01,124 --> 00:18:03,244
DANIEL SCREAMS
321
00:18:04,604 --> 00:18:06,764
Right, so sort of aversion therapy?
322
00:18:06,764 --> 00:18:08,924
- No, no, I just want to hurt him.
- Ah!
323
00:18:08,924 --> 00:18:11,844
Thing is, there are millions
like this irritating little maggot
324
00:18:11,844 --> 00:18:14,164
and it's the fact that they
try to make you complicit
325
00:18:14,164 --> 00:18:15,724
that gets me so cross.
326
00:18:15,724 --> 00:18:18,404
Watch this. Daniel, what
did you do on Saturday?
327
00:18:18,404 --> 00:18:20,044
I went to the shops?
328
00:18:20,044 --> 00:18:22,404
Now, look at him. Look at him.
329
00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:24,044
Oh, right. OK, I get it.
330
00:18:24,044 --> 00:18:27,004
OK, so he actually believes that
his statement, "I went to the shops,"
331
00:18:27,004 --> 00:18:29,724
which, for no acceptable reason,
he made sound like a question,
332
00:18:29,724 --> 00:18:30,764
really was a question.
333
00:18:30,764 --> 00:18:32,972
Now he's waiting for you to
give a totally unnecessary answer.
334
00:18:32,984 --> 00:18:33,724
Yes.
335
00:18:33,724 --> 00:18:36,324
Oh, what a crispy wad!
336
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,524
- Well, may I?
- Please do?
337
00:18:38,524 --> 00:18:40,244
THEY LAUGH
338
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:41,884
Ahh?
339
00:18:41,884 --> 00:18:43,164
Oh, and again.
340
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:47,124
Ahh?
341
00:18:47,124 --> 00:18:48,724
- My turn.
- Oh, yes...
342
00:18:48,724 --> 00:18:52,844
Ahh?
343
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:58,084
Ahh?
344
00:18:59,524 --> 00:19:00,684
'It's Kevin.'
345
00:19:05,204 --> 00:19:08,004
I first met Paul through
one of those websites
346
00:19:08,004 --> 00:19:10,524
where people recommend single friends.
347
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,124
And his friend said that he was really nice
348
00:19:13,124 --> 00:19:14,564
but that he was a bit stupid.
349
00:19:14,564 --> 00:19:16,604
- What's that?
- It's just a wall.
350
00:19:16,604 --> 00:19:18,164
Oh. Where?
351
00:19:18,164 --> 00:19:21,524
Anyway, when I met him, it turns
out he was more than a bit stupid.
352
00:19:21,524 --> 00:19:24,444
I was thrilled, because I LOVE stupid men.
353
00:19:24,444 --> 00:19:28,284
He's got a tattoo he did on
himself of one of the Jedward boys.
354
00:19:28,284 --> 00:19:29,684
Edward, 'cause he doesn't like Jon.
355
00:19:29,684 --> 00:19:31,084
- Jon?!
- In Jedward.
356
00:19:31,084 --> 00:19:33,804
Jon. No, they should
call themselves Edward.
357
00:19:33,804 --> 00:19:36,484
I done a tattoo on myself, there.
358
00:19:38,364 --> 00:19:40,524
I've tried going out with intelligent men
359
00:19:40,524 --> 00:19:42,284
but they're just so boring.
360
00:19:42,284 --> 00:19:45,084
They know when to stop
climbing when they go up a ladder...
361
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:48,604
- The floor's got big!
- ...they do calculus, you know. Yawn.
362
00:19:50,324 --> 00:19:51,884
I forgot I was sitting down.
363
00:19:51,884 --> 00:19:53,684
Just feel SO lucky.
364
00:19:53,684 --> 00:19:56,244
He votes for wobbly-voiced
singers on the telly,
365
00:19:56,244 --> 00:19:58,284
he queues up to go into Madame Tussauds,
366
00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:01,524
he drinks all the water in the
fountain in the shopping mall.
367
00:20:01,524 --> 00:20:03,684
He is amazingly thick.
368
00:20:03,684 --> 00:20:05,564
HE CHUCKLES
369
00:20:05,564 --> 00:20:07,844
Oh, he's noticed his leg.
370
00:20:09,284 --> 00:20:11,964
Ho-ho, it's back again!
371
00:20:11,964 --> 00:20:14,124
THEY LAUGH
372
00:21:08,844 --> 00:21:12,204
'Hello, my name's Mr Nerd.'
373
00:21:13,444 --> 00:21:15,244
'Oh, look, a train!'
374
00:21:16,404 --> 00:21:19,204
'I love trigonometry!'
375
00:21:26,724 --> 00:21:30,764
- Can I help?
- Hello, yes. It's this figurine.
376
00:21:30,764 --> 00:21:33,604
Oh, yeah, the Mr Nerd. It's very funny.
377
00:21:33,604 --> 00:21:36,684
Oh, is it? Well, let's
have a listen, shall we?
378
00:21:36,684 --> 00:21:39,444
'A female Doctor Who?! Blasphemy!'
379
00:21:39,444 --> 00:21:41,604
HE LAUGHS
380
00:21:41,604 --> 00:21:43,884
'What's wrong with
smelling like a cabbage?'
381
00:21:43,884 --> 00:21:45,804
HE LAUGHS
382
00:21:45,804 --> 00:21:47,564
I happen to be a nerd.
383
00:21:48,644 --> 00:21:49,964
Oh. Oh, yeah.
384
00:21:49,964 --> 00:21:52,404
- Proud to be a nerd.
- Of course.
385
00:21:52,404 --> 00:21:58,124
This, this obscenity reduces we
nerds to one-dimensional cliches.
386
00:21:59,324 --> 00:22:01,564
'Star Wars films are brilliant.'
387
00:22:01,564 --> 00:22:06,164
There! I happen to think that
Return of the Jedi is slightly below par.
388
00:22:08,444 --> 00:22:09,924
'I live in a bedsit.'
389
00:22:09,924 --> 00:22:11,924
Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha(!)
390
00:22:11,924 --> 00:22:13,804
Actually, I reside in an attic,
391
00:22:13,804 --> 00:22:18,204
in a house, which belongs
to an alcoholic widow.
392
00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:19,764
'I'm a virgin!'
393
00:22:24,444 --> 00:22:25,804
'I collect comics.'
394
00:22:25,804 --> 00:22:28,204
Hello? They're called graphic novels!
395
00:22:30,484 --> 00:22:31,964
'I've got no friends.'
396
00:22:31,964 --> 00:22:35,644
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong...wrong.
397
00:22:35,644 --> 00:22:39,804
I do, actually. His name is
Artey, he lives in Indonesia
398
00:22:39,804 --> 00:22:42,284
and we meet on the Discworld chat forum
399
00:22:42,284 --> 00:22:45,844
every Tuesday and Thursday
evening at 1800 hours GMT.
400
00:22:45,844 --> 00:22:47,564
He lives in Jakarta,
401
00:22:47,564 --> 00:22:51,604
where he is the assistant head
of the stationary department.
402
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:54,564
He is the head of the
paperclips and staples section
403
00:22:54,564 --> 00:22:58,284
and his main interests
are paperclips and staples...
404
00:22:58,284 --> 00:23:00,564
BONGOS PLAYING
405
00:23:35,644 --> 00:23:39,324
Hey, you listening down
there, Mr Bolognese?
406
00:23:39,324 --> 00:23:42,964
Think of your worst nightmare!
407
00:23:42,964 --> 00:23:44,484
You thinking of it?
408
00:23:44,484 --> 00:23:51,204
Now multiply it by 20 and add 100
and that's a what's a facing you now.
409
00:23:51,204 --> 00:23:53,004
Oh, boy...
410
00:23:53,004 --> 00:23:56,204
Let's have a look at
what's on next week's show.
411
00:23:56,204 --> 00:24:00,764
Here I come, or no I don't!
Here I come, or no I don't!
412
00:24:00,764 --> 00:24:03,204
I'll be haunting a teddy bears' nest...
413
00:24:06,324 --> 00:24:08,724
Woo!
414
00:24:08,724 --> 00:24:11,604
...we research the top
ten most callous ringtones.
415
00:24:11,604 --> 00:24:14,524
At number ten a man
falling off a stepladder...
416
00:24:14,524 --> 00:24:17,084
MAN SHOUTING AND GROANING
417
00:24:19,684 --> 00:24:22,764
...and mothers-in-law,
are they really extinct?
418
00:24:22,764 --> 00:24:26,804
We go in search of the
politically incorrect comedy staple.
419
00:24:26,804 --> 00:24:28,444
Look, look, look, there she is!
420
00:24:29,644 --> 00:24:30,884
Miserable old cow!
421
00:24:34,564 --> 00:24:38,684
And now, to play us out, a song
about bullying in the workplace.
422
00:24:38,684 --> 00:24:41,444
And there's nothing funny about that.
423
00:24:41,444 --> 00:24:43,444
Argh! SPLASHING
424
00:24:50,604 --> 00:24:55,044
I work in a supermarket
on the outskirts of the town
425
00:24:55,044 --> 00:24:57,404
It's a steady job and I earn a few bob
426
00:24:57,404 --> 00:24:59,884
But there's one thing brings me down
427
00:24:59,884 --> 00:25:04,684
My section supervisor is
a man who's name is Brad
428
00:25:04,684 --> 00:25:07,004
He's rude and he's
crude Often in a bad mood
429
00:25:07,004 --> 00:25:09,604
And that makes me kind of sad
430
00:25:10,804 --> 00:25:15,444
He makes me fill the big
deep freezer every single day
431
00:25:15,444 --> 00:25:17,844
I shiver and I shake
and it's hard to take
432
00:25:17,844 --> 00:25:20,044
But there's nothing I can say
433
00:25:20,044 --> 00:25:25,124
He mocks my trousers in
the canteen And he clips my ear
434
00:25:25,124 --> 00:25:29,044
Spits in my cup and trips
me up And I live my life in fear
435
00:25:30,124 --> 00:25:35,124
But I will kidnap Brad and I
will drive him to a derelict barn
436
00:25:35,124 --> 00:25:39,604
I will tie him to a hay rig
with a sturdy length of yarn
437
00:25:39,604 --> 00:25:42,364
And I will make a big jam sandwich
438
00:25:42,364 --> 00:25:44,564
I will place it on the floor
439
00:25:44,564 --> 00:25:49,204
Very soon Brad will get peckish
Then one thing I know for sure
440
00:25:49,204 --> 00:25:54,164
He will see that big jam
sandwich lying there upon the hay
441
00:25:54,164 --> 00:25:58,404
"How I want that big jam
sandwich" Is what Brad is bound to say
442
00:25:58,404 --> 00:26:01,404
But I will take that big jam sandwich
443
00:26:01,404 --> 00:26:03,964
"Mmm, I'll say, this looks delish!
444
00:26:03,964 --> 00:26:08,404
"I think that this big jam sandwich
would make quite a tasty dish"
445
00:26:08,404 --> 00:26:13,404
Then I will eat that big jam
sandwich right before his very eyes
446
00:26:13,404 --> 00:26:16,124
That will teach that Brad some manners
447
00:26:16,124 --> 00:26:18,204
That will cut him down to size
448
00:26:18,204 --> 00:26:26,204
? Then Brad will respect me
Then Brad will respect me I hope. ?
449
00:26:27,764 --> 00:26:30,404
HE SPITS
450
00:26:32,524 --> 00:26:34,404
Hmph!
451
00:26:34,404 --> 00:26:38,004
CAR ENGINE FAILS TO START
452
00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:42,604
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