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♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,300
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,179
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:18,602
[all straining, groaning]
SID: Okay, okay, okay!
5
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,104
VALENTINA:
Ah! Ooh!
6
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,315
And Sophie wins!
7
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,150
[gasps] Yes!
8
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,485
Woo!
VALENTINA: Sophie,
9
00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,028
I hereby present you
10
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,696
with my plus-one ticket
11
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:30,989
for tonight's premiere party
12
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,281
to Flubber: the Musical.
13
00:00:32,281 --> 00:00:35,911
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
I get to go to a fancy-ass party!
14
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,371
[gasps] Oh.
15
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,290
And my Halo says
that I burned 200 calories!
16
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,792
Sophie is peaking.
17
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,711
- I let her win.
- I know. Me, too.
18
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,588
Point is, we're strong.
Strong on three. One, two, three.
19
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,631
ALL
Strong!
20
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,132
Alright. Whatever helps you
sleep at night.
21
00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:53,095
You getting promoted was the best thing
that's ever happened to me!
22
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:54,888
What can I say?
23
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,224
Styling a Broadway star has its perks.
24
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,602
I still can't believe you dressed
Daphne Dupree and lived to tell the tale.
25
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,020
The way I heard, when she was in Les Mis,
26
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,106
she pushed little Cosette
into the orchestra pit.
27
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:05,691
Daphne's a nightmare!
28
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:08,151
She rejected, like, 200 dresses.
29
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,654
How about this dress for the premiere?
30
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:14,366
It's foot-sewn by a woman
with no hands. Très chic.
31
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:17,119
You're lucky I had
my salivary glands removed,
32
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:19,329
or I'd spit on that foot dress right now.
33
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,331
Why did you...?
34
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,250
I didn't wanna be
tempted by solid foods.
35
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:24,710
♪
36
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:28,547
But I finally found a gown
that she absolutely loved.
37
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Oh, my God, what am I gonna wear?
38
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,759
A mini? A midi? A maxi? Oh my!
39
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,431
[Sophie giggles,
Jesse giggles mockingly]
40
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,391
Come on, guys.
We'll have fun here.
41
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,059
I'll give you each one drink free.
42
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,812
[flatly]:
Oh, wow. That is huge for us.
43
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:46,231
We have definitely been
paying for all our drinks.
44
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,568
Oh, hey! Is it cool
if I invite my new lady friend, Dana?
45
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:50,652
- Lady friend?
- Yeah.
46
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:54,156
I've got two male friends named Dana.
I'm trying to be clear. [scoffs] Anyway,
47
00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:57,534
we, uh, matched the other day,
and then, we met up last night,
48
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,495
and the rest is... kiss-tory.
49
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,956
Look, I-I think it's great
50
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,292
that you're getting back
out there post-Meredith,
51
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,085
but you've known this girl
52
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,754
- for, like, a day.
- Yep.
53
00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:10,130
It feels fast for a friend blend.
54
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,133
Yeah, man. You know the rules.
No introducing new people to the group
55
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,552
unless you've been dating for two weeks.
Or if they're dying.
56
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:16,762
Well, she is dying!
57
00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,764
Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
58
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,141
In the sense that we all are.
59
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,894
Look, what do you want me to say?
I really like this girl, alright?
60
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,562
I'm sorry, guys, but I'm invoking...
61
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:26,563
♪ dramatic sting ♪
62
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,607
...the Welcome Protocol.
63
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:32,486
It's a complex method.
We bust it out whenever one of us
64
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,947
wanted to dazzle a new love interest.
65
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,658
For instance, when Ellen
brought her girlfriend Rachel
66
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,159
into the fold...
67
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,453
♪ Ocean's 11 -style music ♪
68
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:44,748
We each had a specific role.
69
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,124
There's the Hype Men,
70
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,459
who brag up a storm.
71
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,338
Rachel, did you know
Ellen's been asked
72
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,298
to be a hair model five times?
73
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,133
In the last week?
74
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,845
[laughs] No way! You never told me that!
75
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:02,474
There's the Bathroom Bestie
who goes deep with a newcomer.
76
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,811
- [water running]
- I don't know. Sometimes I think
77
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,188
I don't have what it takes
to make it in this city.
78
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:08,981
[water stops]
79
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,817
We all experience Impostor Syndrome.
80
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:14,903
- Even Miley Cyrus.
- You're so right.
81
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:19,658
There's the Human Fodder,
who is so ridiculous
82
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:22,327
that it gives everyone
someone to bond over.
83
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,206
Take a gander at this.
84
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:29,293
I got the bottom of my shoes
engraved with my full name!
85
00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,378
[laughter]
86
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,380
Oh, he's so ridiculous!
87
00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:35,883
And lastly, the Giggler.
88
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:40,971
The one who laughs at all
the friend's jokes to make them seem like
89
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:44,391
the most charming person in the world.
90
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,937
And then, I swallowed a full piano key.
91
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,981
F sharp. Or should I say...
92
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:53,483
[singing low note]:
F sharp?
93
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,694
[giggling] God, Ellen,
94
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,946
you're so funny! I'm dying!
95
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:01,617
Dude, the Welcome Protocol
is extremely exhausting.
96
00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:04,203
We can't just trot it out
for a one-date nobody.
97
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:06,413
I slept for three days straight
after the last one.
98
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,290
And one of those days
was National Roommate Day.
99
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,626
Ellen and I were going to
play hide-and-seek at the Met.
100
00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,419
I still did.
And Charlie never found me.
101
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,671
Also, Sophie and Val aren't here,
102
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,132
which means I'd have to be
Bathroom Bestie and Giggler.
103
00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:19,968
I can't giggle while I use the bathroom!
I'll toot!
104
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,387
Okay, look, I'm sorry,
but it's been invoked,
105
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:26,016
and per the protocol,
once invoked, it cannot be invoked.
106
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:29,102
[fake laugh]
107
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,523
What? Just practicing.
108
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♪
109
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,319
[party chatter]
110
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:40,364
Okay. Let's make
the most of this party.
111
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:41,740
I'm on drinks. You're on food.
112
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,825
Keep the sweets
and the savory separate.
113
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:46,828
- And if you run out of hands--
- I know, I know. Carry it in my mouth.
114
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:49,831
♪ soft music ♪
115
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These look like the future residents
116
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[sing-song]:
of Sophie Tompkins' stomach.
117
00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:05,764
What are you doing?
118
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:09,643
- I'm eating.
- Oh, it's not ready yet.
119
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,937
What are you doing?
Give me that back.
120
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,314
What is wrong with...
121
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,776
- Why are you so tall?
- Why are you so short?
122
00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:20,696
You can't just go asking people
why they're so short.
123
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:22,823
Ah...
124
00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:27,619
Now, it's ready.
I'm Robert, the meticulous chef.
125
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,580
I'm Sophie,
126
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,081
annoyed party guest.
127
00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:34,751
And just because I introduced myself,
doesn't mean I want to talk to you.
128
00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:39,089
Actually, wait. Um...
129
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,633
Do you know
where I could get some ranch?
130
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,928
Seriously?
That's yellowtail crudo.
131
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:48,223
Yeah. And you don't have
to be so rude-o.
132
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,729
Here's your Flub-tini.
133
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:57,399
The bartender winked at me
and said he put extra flub in there.
134
00:05:58,317 --> 00:05:59,568
I really don't know what that means.
135
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,445
Valentina.
136
00:06:02,905 --> 00:06:05,490
You really pulled this off.
I was wrong to say
137
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,911
that a subway mole rat
could style me better than you.
138
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,913
You never said that.
139
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,539
Oh. I meant to.
140
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,085
I am really gonna pop
on that stage later
141
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,504
when I sing My Heart Flubs For You.
142
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:23,008
I'm sorry. I just...
just get a little emotional
143
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:26,512
whenever I think of my enemies
watching me sing so beautifully.
144
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,555
Nevin!
145
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,101
[scoffs]
146
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,729
Okay, but she
looks incredible, Val.
147
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,564
I know! I killed it.
148
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,192
- Oh, she really does look great.
- Oh!
149
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,902
Oh! Oh, so does she.
150
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,823
Ah. Someone else wearing the same dress.
151
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,034
Yeah, no, she'll be normal about that.
152
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,452
Uh--
[shutter snaps]
153
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,162
Come over here. [laughs]
154
00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:54,748
Ooh.
[camera clatters]
155
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,750
Fix it, and we'll try again later, hm?
156
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,340
I have some pocket yellowtail,
if it'll make you feel better.
157
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:04,883
♪
158
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,263
♪
159
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:10,764
SID:
Oh God! Here they come.
160
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,393
Guys, I'd like you to meet Dana!
161
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:17,479
Isn't she effortlessly cool,
but also somehow sweet?
162
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,983
Sorry. I've clearly been in
my own head about introducing you.
163
00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:22,734
Thanks for letting me crash your hang.
164
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:25,195
Duh! We were so excited to meet you.
165
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,489
Let's, uh, let's get you a drink.
JESSE: Yeah.
166
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,909
♪ Ocean's 11 -style music ♪
167
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:34,037
So, did you know that Jesse
168
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:37,833
has saved five wounded baby birds?
169
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,211
I didn't know that. He's so great.
170
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:42,713
Oh, the greatest.
[laughs]
171
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,924
Is that a red tuxedo
on that bourbon bottle?
172
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:47,426
♪ music stops ♪
173
00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:49,511
It is. Yeah, it's actually a nod to--
174
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,762
The gold room bar from The Shining?
175
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,515
On a bottle of Jack, too.
176
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,641
That's brilliant.
177
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,604
Okay. You are the only person
to ever get that reference.
178
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,397
Maybe you are worth the protocol.
179
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,732
What?
180
00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:03,317
I said...
181
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,111
maybe you are the pro to call...
182
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,613
if I have movie questions.
183
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,032
- Oh.
- Nice save...
184
00:08:10,616 --> 00:08:11,658
What?
185
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:13,911
♪
186
00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:15,454
This is all my fault.
187
00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:18,081
I was so sleep deprived
from showing her 200 looks,
188
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:21,293
I forgot to tell the designer
not to let anyone else wear it!
189
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:23,045
I wish they could do that with tattoos
190
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:25,839
because I would hate for someone else
to have my singing Garfield.
191
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:28,217
Okay. Sorry.
192
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,510
We can fix this.
193
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:30,511
♪
194
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:35,015
You know that's sauce, not soup, right?
195
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,977
No time to explain, Sauce Cop.
I'm in the middle of something.
196
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,605
So am I. Dinner for 300 fat cats.
197
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,440
Could you maybe leave them some sauce?
198
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,609
Oh, could you maybe not sauce-shame me?
199
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:50,322
So then, I said, "Reese Witherspoon?
200
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,449
More like Reese without her spoon!"
201
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,659
[laughter]
202
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:56,161
- [gasps]
- Hey! Watch it!
203
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:58,956
God! Oh! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
204
00:08:59,498 --> 00:09:02,668
You know what they say.
Don't... sauce up and gossip?
205
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,297
Uh, here. Please take my duster.
It's the least I could do.
206
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,591
- Oh, I don't think so...
- Oh.
207
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,009
Used to be Kerry Washington's.
208
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,303
- Oh. I love her!
- Yeah.
209
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,806
- I miss Scandal.
- Oh, we all do. We all do.
210
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,017
And this is how Kerry used to wear it.
211
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,311
- Nice and tight!
- Oh.
212
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,898
Uh, off you go! Have fun now! Bye!
213
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:29,361
Oh, I am getting so many
compliments on this dress.
214
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:31,655
I am so glad I invited
three of my ex-husbands.
215
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,283
Oh, Mandy.
216
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,913
Mission accomplished.
217
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,582
- Let's get another drink.
- Yeah.
218
00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:45,377
Yeah, you wanna go with the "Flubarita"
or the "Flub on the Beach"?
219
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:46,879
Just a classic gin and--
220
00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:48,422
Mother[bleep]!
221
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,428
Out of curiosity,
were you gonna say tonic or juice?
222
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,139
This is it.
This is the end of my career.
223
00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,975
Unless...
224
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,729
Mother[bleep].
225
00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:07,232
♪
226
00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:09,902
Twist. Dana's the best.
227
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,153
She's a goddamn dream!
228
00:10:12,196 --> 00:10:14,156
Wow. Being bullied like that
229
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,866
must've been really hard for you.
230
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,117
♪ Ocean's 11 -style music ♪
231
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,537
It was, but enough about me.
Jesse says you work in produce,
232
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,956
which is pretty much
my favorite food category.
233
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,458
Yukon Golds.
234
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:27,085
Those are just russet potatoes
left out in the sun, right?
235
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:30,255
♪
236
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,965
She actually asked me
about my interests.
237
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,217
You guys never ask me about my--
238
00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:35,511
Ellen, I want to say why I like her.
239
00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:38,013
When I did human fodder,
she didn't laugh at me.
240
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,390
She made me feel seen.
241
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,811
And that is why I always wear
a collared shirt to the cinema.
242
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:48,774
I completely agree.
I wish people still got dressed up to fly!
243
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,484
♪
244
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,694
- He should marry that girl.
- Oh yeah, dude.
245
00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,948
- Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.
- Yeah.
246
00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:58,992
Dude, we were so wrong about Dana.
We're so happy to welcome her.
247
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,661
- Thrilled.
- We love her.
248
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,705
Yeah. Uh, about that...
249
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,333
I changed my mind.
I mean, she's great,
250
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,710
but we just don't have... it.
251
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,671
Sometimes I'm glad
we're not related by blood!
252
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,130
Your face doesn't have it.
253
00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:14,341
Let's nix the Welcome Protocol,
254
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,261
and go straight to
the Fake Emergency Protocol.
255
00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:18,345
[groaning]
256
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,972
♪
257
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:22,224
So then, I said, "Reese Witherspoon?
258
00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:24,768
More like Reese without her spoon!"
259
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,311
[laughter]
260
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:30,774
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry I spilled on you.
261
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,276
You're probably gonna wanna change.
262
00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,069
Nah, who cares?
263
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,822
I already spilled on myself
three times today.
264
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,699
Classic Nance!
265
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:42,828
Are you sure you don't want to
change into my friend's dress?
266
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,830
What show do you miss?
A star of that wore this.
267
00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:48,250
Kathy Bates wore that on Harry's Law?
268
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,670
- Uh-huh!
- Yes.
269
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:52,880
♪
270
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,841
I still don't understand
why you couldn't give Nance your dress.
271
00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,301
I can't do Nance dirty like that.
272
00:11:57,301 --> 00:11:58,802
She can't pull off seafoam.
273
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:02,514
- I'll swipe you a coat from coat check.
- Fine.
274
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:06,018
But, if I get bedbugs again,
you cannot tell anyone.
275
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,103
That cannot be my thing.
276
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:10,272
♪
277
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,065
NANCE:
Holy shit.
278
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,860
That famous lady is wearing
the same dress I am!
279
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,530
I shop like a celebrity.
280
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:21,867
- Shush please... No!
- Well, look at that!
281
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,702
I'm also matching you, too!
282
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:27,623
Hey, girl, it's me.
Do me a solid and make Daphne go blind,
283
00:12:27,623 --> 00:12:30,918
just for the rest of the night
because I'm a good person, girl! Amen!
284
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,586
I can't believe you'd do this to me.
285
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,714
I am wearing the same dress
as two other women.
286
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,549
That hasn't happened to me since I starred
287
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:40,511
in that extremely problematic
revival of Dreamgirls.
288
00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:41,762
[angry grunt]
289
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,516
And don't google it.
290
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:49,686
♪
291
00:12:53,232 --> 00:12:54,900
Val, where are you?
292
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,319
Why aren't you answering
any of your texts?
293
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,737
Now, I have to leave you a voicemail,
294
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:00,113
and I hate leaving voicemails.
295
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,616
Especially because I know
you're never gonna check it.
296
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,745
Your singing voice isn't
as strong as you think it is.
297
00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:07,996
Ha! Bye.
298
00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:10,874
[both scream]
Turn around!
299
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:12,501
I did turn around!
You want me to turn back?
300
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:14,795
- No, no, no, no!
- I will-- Uh...
301
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:15,796
[gasps]
302
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,426
- [groans]
- Daphne.
303
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,221
I am so sorry about the dress.
304
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:25,222
Save it.
305
00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:27,975
I'm gonna ruin you.
306
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,477
[voice breaking]:
You will never work in this town again.
307
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,231
A-are you crying?
308
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,942
Can't. I had my tear ducts removed.
309
00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:38,735
- Why did you--
- Oh,
310
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,738
the surgeon who took out my saliva glands
read my chart wrong.
311
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,868
That was a bad day.
And yet, this is worse.
312
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:50,914
Oh, 40 years in the business,
and here I am.
313
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:54,585
Cast off to a junior incompetent stylist
314
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:57,838
and starring in a musical
about Silly Putty.
315
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,966
The only reason I took this stupid job
316
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,594
was because my reps told me
being in a family show
317
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:06,263
would make me seem
more a "woman of the people."
318
00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:09,558
Apparently, I don't have
the best reputation.
319
00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:11,268
Hm.
320
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,979
Boy, you start one rumor
that Lea Michele can't read...
321
00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:17,024
- That was you?
- Okay, I admit that
322
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:19,026
I can be a tad cutthroat,
323
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,528
but that's only because
I have had to scrape
324
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,614
and claw my entire career.
325
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:26,033
- [scoffs] I get that.
- Oh, no, you don't.
326
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:29,578
Not unless you starred in Fiddler
with a very handsy Tevye.
327
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,539
How about this?
328
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:37,586
I save your rep, I help you
become a woman of the people,
329
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:40,172
and you don't ruin my career?
330
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:41,673
Alright, I'm listening.
331
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,593
But, I can't do anything
332
00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:46,553
that involves crying or spitting
because I have--
333
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:49,139
No ducts or glands. I-I got it.
334
00:14:49,515 --> 00:14:50,724
♪
335
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,060
- [ringtone playing]
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
336
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,270
My mom's calling.
She never calls. I need to take this.
337
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:59,149
- Hello?
- It's Mom. I was in an accident.
338
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:00,609
I hate you.
339
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,236
I'll be right there!
340
00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:04,363
Dana, I'm so sorry.
My mom's been in a car accident.
341
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:06,448
Oh, my God. Is she okay?
342
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,784
[panting]
Dad just called. Mom--
343
00:15:08,784 --> 00:15:11,537
I know. I know.
We need to go to the hospital right now.
344
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,666
[flatly]: And I will drive you
to the hospital as you are distraught.
345
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:18,293
Dana, Dana, I tried calling you.
Grandma's in the hospital.
346
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:19,878
Oh, my God!
347
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:23,465
Jesse, I'm so sorry about your mom,
but I gotta go.
348
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,384
Yeah, no, no, of course.
I'm s-- Wait--
349
00:15:25,384 --> 00:15:27,386
[laughing]:
Oh. Okay.
350
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:31,223
Wow. Oh, bravo, you two.
351
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,600
You doing your fake emergency
right at the tail end
352
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,477
of my fake emergency to really sell it.
353
00:15:35,477 --> 00:15:38,146
It's, uh... it's genius.
354
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:42,401
- What are you talking ab--
- Come on, Dana, cut the crap, alright?
355
00:15:42,401 --> 00:15:44,444
We obviously both realized
we weren't feeling it.
356
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,406
We faked emergencies.
Let's call it what it is.
357
00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:48,657
What?
358
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:51,577
Jesse, my grandma
is actually in the hospital.
359
00:15:54,538 --> 00:15:57,583
But she's a bigot,
and you're not close to her?
360
00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:58,876
I'm hoping. [nervous laugh]
361
00:15:59,251 --> 00:16:02,671
She's gay and a humanitarian,
you asshole!
362
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,425
You could have married her,
363
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:08,927
and we could have had
a gay grandma-in-law?
364
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,137
Thanks for nothing.
365
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:11,763
♪
366
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:16,143
♪
367
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,895
Do you mind if I hide out in here?
368
00:16:17,895 --> 00:16:20,022
Because I don't really wanna
go out there dressed like this.
369
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:22,357
- [laughs]
- No problem, chef. Stir this.
370
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,611
How'd you end up
half-naked in my pantry anyway?
371
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,613
Oh...
372
00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:28,697
Helping out a friend.
373
00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:31,700
Tonight is kind of
"make or break" for her.
374
00:16:32,451 --> 00:16:35,621
It would all seem crazy to
someone as established as you.
375
00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:37,080
How do you know I'm established?
376
00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:40,751
I may or may not have googled you
while I was stuck in the pantry.
377
00:16:41,293 --> 00:16:42,836
- [laughs]
- Ah.
378
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,505
Hey, I googled you, too.
379
00:16:45,631 --> 00:16:49,176
"Woman falls in sinkhole
on Cinco de Mayo."
380
00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:53,430
I trended because of that.
Hashtag "sinkhole de Mayo."
381
00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:54,932
Ha!
382
00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:58,519
You were thinking about me
when you were in there?
383
00:16:58,519 --> 00:17:00,854
Only because you were so obnoxious.
384
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,314
I was thinking about you, too.
385
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:04,816
Here, try this.
[taps whisk]
386
00:17:07,236 --> 00:17:10,239
♪ muffled party music ♪
387
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:12,741
Oh, my God.
388
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:14,743
Is that what I think it is?
389
00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:15,869
Yeah.
390
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,455
You just made your very own ranch.
391
00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,166
Hm.
392
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:23,544
Mm!
393
00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:26,797
Now, here I thought you could only
get this from the Hidden Valley.
394
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:28,382
[laughs]
395
00:17:28,382 --> 00:17:30,717
[party chatter]
396
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,720
- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Trust me. You're going to kill.
397
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:36,765
Uh... Thank you.
398
00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:40,602
Uh, good evening, everyone.
399
00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:43,438
[applause, cheering]
400
00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:44,940
Uh, Nance, Jill, get up here.
401
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:48,110
Uh, tonight,
I'd like to share the stage
402
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:50,904
with these two impeccably
dressed women.
403
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,406
[laughter]
404
00:17:52,406 --> 00:17:54,408
Damn, you two look good.
405
00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:55,826
Do I look that good?
406
00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:58,161
Lie to me, people,
and tell me I do.
407
00:17:58,161 --> 00:17:59,705
[laughter, applause]
408
00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:01,999
You're so funny and down-to-Earth.
409
00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:04,084
A real woman of the people.
410
00:18:05,836 --> 00:18:08,839
And now... My Heart Flubs For You.
411
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:11,842
♪ romantic music playing ♪
412
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,054
♪ You're a brilliant scientist ♪
413
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,725
♪ The only reason I exist ♪
414
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:25,314
♪ Is you made me in a dish ♪
415
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:27,232
♪ muffled singing ♪
416
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,818
Okay, we have a spicy ranch,
417
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,987
a creamy basil ranch,
418
00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:34,573
and a Dorito-inspired...
419
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:36,950
cool ranch.
420
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,537
So is this your move?
You just make dip
421
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:43,373
for all the girls you find
in your pantry in their underwear?
422
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:45,584
Mm, let's see. [mumbling]
423
00:18:45,584 --> 00:18:47,628
Uh, so far, 100% of the time.
424
00:18:47,628 --> 00:18:49,129
[laughs]
425
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:52,424
♪ ...feelings,
feelings for you ♪
426
00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:55,260
♪ My heart flubs ♪
427
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,638
♪ When you walk through the door ♪
428
00:18:57,638 --> 00:18:59,139
♪ song continues ♪
429
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:00,098
Hey, you okay?
430
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:02,226
Yeah, sort of.
431
00:19:03,602 --> 00:19:05,646
I think I know what's going on here.
432
00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:06,897
You do?
433
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:09,149
You tried to fast-track it with Dana
434
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,984
'cause you're still not over Meredith.
435
00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:13,362
- I am completely over Meredith.
- Oh.
436
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:15,864
Yeah, but I was trying
to rush things with Dana to...
437
00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,200
get over Sophie.
438
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,451
Oh...
439
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:21,495
Yeah, I don't think
I ever really totally moved on.
440
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:23,038
And I think maybe
she still has feelings, too.
441
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:24,540
I mean, lately, there have been...
442
00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:26,708
sparks.
443
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:29,127
- God, I know that sounds dorky.
- Uh, bro?
444
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:31,797
Being alive is dorky.
[sighs]
445
00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:33,799
That's why you just gotta go for it.
446
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,553
- Yeah. Yeah. I think I will.
- Mm-hmm.
447
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:41,473
♪ My heart flubs for you ♪
448
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:42,975
So, Sophie.
449
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:45,644
I'm obviously
way too young for you...
450
00:19:47,813 --> 00:19:49,731
but would you let me
take you out sometime?
451
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:52,943
♪ My soul flubs ♪
452
00:19:52,943 --> 00:19:55,362
♪ When you stuffed me in a drawer ♪
453
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,030
♪ music swells ♪
454
00:19:57,030 --> 00:20:00,117
♪ Flubs have hearts, too ♪
455
00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:02,786
♪ And mine belongs to you ♪
456
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:05,581
♪ My heart flubs ♪
457
00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:07,207
So, I guess that's a no to dinner?
458
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,751
♪
459
00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,212
♪ My heart flubs ♪
460
00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:15,340
♪ When you walk through the door ♪
461
00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:18,302
♪ My soul flubs ♪
462
00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:22,264
♪ When you stuff me in a drawer ♪
463
00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:25,684
♪ Flubs have hearts, too ♪
464
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:28,478
♪ And mine belongs to you ♪
465
00:20:28,478 --> 00:20:31,648
♪ My heart flubs ♪
466
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,650
♪ For you ♪
467
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:39,781
♪ Would it be such a crime
to take a chance... ♪
468
00:20:39,831 --> 00:20:44,381
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