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1
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:05,821
"Last man standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,856 --> 00:00:08,090
Ah, thanks, Ryan.
That was an amazing dinner.
3
00:00:08,124 --> 00:00:11,227
It was amazing you paid for it. I
didn't realize you had a wallet.
4
00:00:12,696 --> 00:00:14,129
We wanted to pay you guys back
5
00:00:14,164 --> 00:00:16,031
for always helping out
so much with Boyd.
6
00:00:16,066 --> 00:00:18,133
That one dinner was payback
for five years
7
00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:20,436
of watching your kid
and paying for everything?
8
00:00:20,470 --> 00:00:25,140
I should have ordered the steak
with a side of gold doubloons.
9
00:00:29,546 --> 00:00:31,347
Dad, why are you watching
the wedding channel?
10
00:00:31,381 --> 00:00:32,948
You got seven remotes.
11
00:00:32,983 --> 00:00:35,718
I've been hitting buttons
for an hour.
12
00:00:35,752 --> 00:00:39,989
Well, that explains
why the garage door is open.
13
00:00:40,023 --> 00:00:41,523
How long has he been out?
14
00:00:41,558 --> 00:00:44,760
Since right before taneesha
said yes to that dress.
15
00:00:45,896 --> 00:00:47,329
Did Boyd behave himself?
16
00:00:47,372 --> 00:00:51,100
- Oh, yes. He was a very good boy.
- Oh, good.
17
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:53,152
I just had to spank him
the one time.
18
00:00:53,177 --> 00:01:02,144
Sync & corrections by no1
www.Addic7ed.Com
19
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,846
You spanked my son?
20
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,649
Bud, I-I really don't think
you should have done that.
21
00:01:06,716 --> 00:01:08,617
Oh, it's all right.
My shoulder's fine.
22
00:01:10,787 --> 00:01:12,788
I-I just gave him
the one quick SWAT.
23
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:14,256
What exactly happened, bud?
24
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,959
I told him to bring his plate
into the kitchen.
25
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:18,627
He said, "make me."
26
00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:19,662
And I did.
27
00:01:21,431 --> 00:01:24,351
By the way,
the kid broke a plate.
28
00:01:24,768 --> 00:01:27,369
G-grandpa, we never hit Boyd.
29
00:01:27,404 --> 00:01:30,239
That explains
why he looked so surprised.
30
00:01:30,273 --> 00:01:33,475
We don't control Boyd
with anger and fear, okay?
31
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:36,078
We prefer
a-a reward-punishment system.
32
00:01:36,112 --> 00:01:38,747
They have a chart with stickers.
33
00:01:38,748 --> 00:01:43,452
Nothing puts the fear of God in a
kid more than a yellow frowny face.
34
00:01:43,486 --> 00:01:45,654
All right, well,
I inspected Boyd's behind.
35
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,623
This incident
didn't leave any scars.
36
00:01:47,657 --> 00:01:53,092
Except the fact that his dad
inspected his behind.
37
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:56,565
Boyd, sweetie, grandpa bud
made a big, big mistake, okay?
38
00:01:56,599 --> 00:01:59,068
And we promise that no one
will ever spank you again.
39
00:01:59,102 --> 00:02:00,135
All right, enough with this.
40
00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:02,371
I'm not a big fan
of spanking, either, dad,
41
00:02:02,405 --> 00:02:04,473
but let's not throw all options
out the window
42
00:02:04,507 --> 00:02:05,908
like Obama with the iranians.
43
00:02:05,942 --> 00:02:08,110
"No matter what you do,
we're not gonna bomb you.
44
00:02:08,144 --> 00:02:09,366
- "Go ahead."
45
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,612
- Oh, really, Mike? There's
a country out there
46
00:02:10,647 --> 00:02:12,781
that this drone-loving president
hasn't bombed yet?
47
00:02:12,816 --> 00:02:13,849
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
48
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,050
You can't attack him
from the left.
49
00:02:15,085 --> 00:02:17,737
That would mean
I've got to defend him.
50
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:20,689
Okay, you know, maybe we should
just get Boyd home, yeah?
51
00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:21,857
I don't want to go home!
52
00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:24,026
I want to watch TV
with grandpa bud!
53
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,228
We were watching
this show about bras
54
00:02:26,262 --> 00:02:28,197
till I pressed the wrong button.
55
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:31,900
And in case anybody was worried,
56
00:02:31,935 --> 00:02:34,470
this one seemed very interested.
57
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:36,805
I want to stay!
58
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:37,873
Boyd, if you cooperate,
59
00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:39,475
I promise we'll get you
some froyo.
60
00:02:39,509 --> 00:02:41,010
Froyo! Froyo! Froyo!
61
00:02:41,044 --> 00:02:42,044
Look at that kid.
62
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:44,213
I remember being excited
about things.
63
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:45,948
Good night, you guys.
Thanks for dinner.
64
00:02:45,982 --> 00:02:48,050
Yeah, thanks for dinner.
Drive safe, all right?
65
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:50,819
And that is the reason
Boyd has a discipline problem.
66
00:02:50,854 --> 00:02:53,188
Every time he acts up,
they just bribe him with sugar.
67
00:02:53,223 --> 00:02:54,723
You know,
I never bribed the girls
68
00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,158
or used spanking as punishment.
69
00:02:56,192 --> 00:02:57,826
You know,
that's just lazy parenting.
70
00:02:57,861 --> 00:02:58,861
I get it, Michael.
71
00:02:58,895 --> 00:03:00,629
You don't want me
spanking the kid.
72
00:03:00,663 --> 00:03:02,197
No, I just don't think
it should be
73
00:03:02,232 --> 00:03:03,532
the only tool in the toolbox,
74
00:03:03,566 --> 00:03:04,900
like it was with Jimmy and me.
75
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,902
You saying
that I'm a lousy father?
76
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,138
I didn't say "lousy."
"Lazy" is what I said.
77
00:03:10,673 --> 00:03:11,974
I never had to do that
with the girls.
78
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:13,108
I just had to go with the look.
79
00:03:13,143 --> 00:03:16,593
You get the, "oh..."
80
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,314
Well, that might have worked
with the girls,
81
00:03:19,349 --> 00:03:22,017
but it wouldn't have slowed down
you and your brother.
82
00:03:22,052 --> 00:03:23,752
You two were hell-raisers.
83
00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:26,822
- Uh, can I ask you something, Vanessa?
- Yes.
84
00:03:26,856 --> 00:03:29,258
Does Mike pick up his socks?
85
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:32,494
You're welcome.
86
00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:39,168
Honey, honey, you were
a little hard on your father.
87
00:03:39,202 --> 00:03:40,569
I think you hurt his feelings.
88
00:03:40,603 --> 00:03:42,704
Dad doesn't have any feelings.
89
00:03:42,739 --> 00:03:46,909
He's 99% gristle.
The rest is fake hip.
90
00:03:46,943 --> 00:03:49,178
Yeah, well, you called him
a lazy parent
91
00:03:49,212 --> 00:03:51,880
because he... he spanked
you and Jimmy once or twice.
92
00:03:51,915 --> 00:03:53,549
More than once or twice.
93
00:03:53,583 --> 00:03:57,186
He's the reason I can't put
a wallet in my back pocket.
94
00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:59,188
So you think
bud crossed the line?
95
00:03:59,222 --> 00:04:00,489
No, it was the '60s.
96
00:04:00,523 --> 00:04:03,092
Minorities wanted their rights.
Women wanted their rights.
97
00:04:03,126 --> 00:04:05,727
Somebody was gonna get smacked.
98
00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:09,231
You know, I occasionally spanked
when the girls were little. - I know.
99
00:04:09,265 --> 00:04:10,866
Does that make me a lazy parent?
100
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:12,801
I never said anything
about that at the time
101
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:13,941
'cause I was afraid
that you'd come after me.
102
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,070
Oh!
103
00:04:24,917 --> 00:04:27,685
Now, you're probably gonna
run into a bear out there,
104
00:04:27,753 --> 00:04:28,887
and they're dangerous.
105
00:04:28,921 --> 00:04:30,989
So the most important thing
to remember
106
00:04:31,023 --> 00:04:32,557
is to never, ever...
107
00:04:32,591 --> 00:04:33,925
Mandy: Hey, baby.
108
00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:34,993
Oh, there's my girlfriend.
Excuse me.
109
00:04:36,929 --> 00:04:38,530
- Hey. What are you doing here?
- Hi.
110
00:04:38,564 --> 00:04:40,031
Well, I was shopping
at the mall,
111
00:04:40,065 --> 00:04:42,000
and I saw something
that made me think of you.
112
00:04:42,034 --> 00:04:44,769
Was it that guy at the kiosk
who sells cellphone cases?
113
00:04:44,804 --> 00:04:46,805
Because he looks just like me.
114
00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:49,207
Except he's got
way more phone cases.
115
00:04:49,241 --> 00:04:51,876
No. It was this.
116
00:04:51,911 --> 00:04:53,678
This made you think of me?
117
00:04:53,712 --> 00:04:56,414
Mm-hmm. 'Cause you're gonna look
really good wearing it.
118
00:04:56,449 --> 00:04:57,715
How do you know?
119
00:04:57,750 --> 00:04:59,451
I got the phone-case guy
to try it on.
120
00:04:59,485 --> 00:05:00,652
Let me see.
121
00:05:00,686 --> 00:05:01,719
[Gasps]
122
00:05:01,754 --> 00:05:03,221
Oh, my God! Shut up!
123
00:05:05,458 --> 00:05:07,425
- Hey, I got a question for you.
- Uh-huh.
124
00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:09,060
How do you feel about spanking?
125
00:05:09,094 --> 00:05:12,831
Well, it can spice up
a relationship.
126
00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:16,601
A little advice, though.
127
00:05:16,635 --> 00:05:18,937
Write down your safe word.
128
00:05:18,971 --> 00:05:21,473
I'm talking about spanking kids.
129
00:05:21,507 --> 00:05:23,942
Thanks for that mental picture.
130
00:05:23,976 --> 00:05:26,478
See, I never spanked my kids,
but then again,
131
00:05:26,512 --> 00:05:28,680
I wasn't around much
when they were small.
132
00:05:28,714 --> 00:05:30,482
I mean,
it would be kind of weird
133
00:05:30,516 --> 00:05:32,784
just to come in swinging,
you know.
134
00:05:32,818 --> 00:05:34,519
Never stopped bing Crosby.
135
00:05:35,988 --> 00:05:37,722
My dad was watching Boyd
last night.
136
00:05:37,756 --> 00:05:38,923
Evidently he spanked him.
137
00:05:38,958 --> 00:05:40,592
I said something about it.
138
00:05:40,626 --> 00:05:43,661
And the wife thinks I might have
hurt my dad's feelings.
139
00:05:43,696 --> 00:05:45,096
What did you say?
140
00:05:45,130 --> 00:05:46,764
I said it was lazy parenting.
141
00:05:46,799 --> 00:05:48,933
And you told him
he was a terrible father.
142
00:05:48,968 --> 00:05:51,135
- No, I didn't say that.
- That's what he heard.
143
00:05:51,170 --> 00:05:52,837
I think you're making
too much of this.
144
00:05:52,872 --> 00:05:54,706
You're saying
that I'm a doddering old fool,
145
00:05:54,740 --> 00:05:56,341
doesn't know
what he's talking about.
146
00:05:56,375 --> 00:05:59,344
- I didn't say that.
- That's what I heard.
147
00:06:01,046 --> 00:06:03,481
Mike, sometimes you don't know
how you come off.
148
00:06:03,516 --> 00:06:05,950
I'll have a chat with my dad.
149
00:06:05,985 --> 00:06:07,952
You don't want to leave
something like that hanging in the air.
150
00:06:07,987 --> 00:06:10,455
You don't know how much longer
he's gonna be around.
151
00:06:10,489 --> 00:06:12,690
Hmm. So what you're saying
is if I wait long enough,
152
00:06:12,725 --> 00:06:15,159
the problem
will take care of itself.
153
00:06:15,194 --> 00:06:16,761
- Tallahassee!
- What?
154
00:06:16,795 --> 00:06:18,596
My safe word.
155
00:06:20,799 --> 00:06:22,500
Hold the phone, Mikey.
156
00:06:22,535 --> 00:06:25,436
You want to see something
hilarious?
157
00:06:25,471 --> 00:06:28,973
Every time you say something's
hilarious, it never is.
158
00:06:29,008 --> 00:06:30,542
Until now.
159
00:06:32,645 --> 00:06:34,145
All right,
what's the play here, huh?
160
00:06:34,179 --> 00:06:36,447
Do we ignore the stupid hat
161
00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:38,349
so we can laugh
every time we see it?
162
00:06:38,384 --> 00:06:39,784
Or do we mention the hat
163
00:06:39,818 --> 00:06:42,120
and run the risk
of him taking it off?
164
00:06:42,154 --> 00:06:44,289
Sophie's choice.
165
00:06:44,323 --> 00:06:46,457
Kyle, come in here, please.
166
00:06:46,492 --> 00:06:47,959
You ready?
167
00:06:47,993 --> 00:06:49,160
- Mm-hmm.
- Here we go.
168
00:06:49,194 --> 00:06:50,461
Hey, Kyle. Come on in.
169
00:06:50,496 --> 00:06:51,462
Sirs.
170
00:06:51,497 --> 00:06:52,530
[Chuckles]
171
00:06:52,565 --> 00:06:54,532
Son, maybe you can help
Mike and me
172
00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:56,067
with a marketing problem.
173
00:06:56,101 --> 00:06:57,135
Sure.
174
00:06:57,169 --> 00:06:59,370
Yes, w-we need
a research ambassador.
175
00:06:59,405 --> 00:07:02,473
We're having trouble reaching
the douchebag population.
176
00:07:04,577 --> 00:07:07,512
And if you're not too busy
making your special blue meth...
177
00:07:07,546 --> 00:07:09,747
I get it.
This is about my new ha...
178
00:07:09,782 --> 00:07:11,082
hold on a second.
I'm not done yet.
179
00:07:13,052 --> 00:07:14,819
Old-timer,
you want to go down to the park
180
00:07:14,853 --> 00:07:16,721
and play some checkers?
181
00:07:16,755 --> 00:07:18,156
I've got a good one.
182
00:07:18,190 --> 00:07:21,492
Buster keaton called,
says he wants his hat back.
183
00:07:21,527 --> 00:07:22,527
[Chuckles]
184
00:07:22,561 --> 00:07:24,329
Eh?
185
00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:26,631
Boy, there was
a fresh reference.
186
00:07:27,933 --> 00:07:29,067
Well, I'm getting back to work.
187
00:07:29,101 --> 00:07:30,201
Ed.
188
00:07:30,235 --> 00:07:31,502
Kid rock.
189
00:07:31,537 --> 00:07:32,770
[Chuckles]
190
00:07:32,805 --> 00:07:35,840
I knew you guys would give me
the business about my hat.
191
00:07:35,874 --> 00:07:38,042
Mandy's really excited
for me to wear it.
192
00:07:38,077 --> 00:07:39,911
Yeah, of course.
Of course she is.
193
00:07:39,945 --> 00:07:42,447
Yeah, she's planting her flag
on top of your head.
194
00:07:42,481 --> 00:07:44,248
If another woman approaches you,
195
00:07:44,283 --> 00:07:46,117
the first thing
she's gonna ask is,
196
00:07:46,151 --> 00:07:47,719
"where did you get the hat?"
197
00:07:47,753 --> 00:07:49,020
Oh, my girlfriend gave it to me.
198
00:07:50,289 --> 00:07:51,723
Oh!
199
00:07:51,757 --> 00:07:53,391
That's what she's up to.
200
00:07:53,425 --> 00:07:56,094
Oh, yeah.
She's branded you like a cow.
201
00:07:56,128 --> 00:07:59,364
That hat
tells every woman on earth
202
00:07:59,398 --> 00:08:01,466
that this guy is taken.
203
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:03,401
It's like she's got me
wrapped around her finger.
204
00:08:03,435 --> 00:08:04,702
That's right, kid.
205
00:08:04,737 --> 00:08:06,170
And I... Love it!
206
00:08:06,205 --> 00:08:07,171
[Chuckles]
207
00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:09,941
I'll take it!
208
00:08:09,975 --> 00:08:10,975
Back off, girls.
209
00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:12,644
Property of Mandy
coming through.
210
00:08:17,783 --> 00:08:20,652
Hey, you two.
Staying for dinner?
211
00:08:20,686 --> 00:08:23,755
No, thanks.
I just had two candy bars.
212
00:08:23,789 --> 00:08:26,024
Wow. Two candy bars.
You know what?
213
00:08:26,058 --> 00:08:28,660
That's exactly
what I'm making for dinner.
214
00:08:28,694 --> 00:08:29,994
Boyd, sweetie, honey,
215
00:08:30,029 --> 00:08:32,063
uh, why don't you run upstairs
and play, okay?
216
00:08:32,097 --> 00:08:34,899
Remember, mommy loves you
very, very, very much!
217
00:08:34,933 --> 00:08:37,068
I am the worst mother ever.
218
00:08:37,102 --> 00:08:39,737
Oh, honey, stop.
Candy bars aren't so bad.
219
00:08:39,772 --> 00:08:43,007
Once for dinner, I fed you
a handful of breath mints.
220
00:08:43,042 --> 00:08:45,343
No, today I-I-I lost my temper,
221
00:08:45,377 --> 00:08:47,145
and I-I did something...
222
00:08:47,179 --> 00:08:49,781
something
I never thought that...
223
00:08:49,815 --> 00:08:52,817
mom, I spanked Boyd.
224
00:08:52,851 --> 00:08:54,819
You spanked Boyd?
225
00:08:54,853 --> 00:08:56,621
What did he do?
226
00:08:56,655 --> 00:08:59,357
Gave me the most profound
look of betrayal
227
00:08:59,391 --> 00:09:01,325
I have ever seen in my life.
228
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,261
Why did you spank Boyd?
229
00:09:03,295 --> 00:09:05,196
W-we were in the parking lot
at whole foods...
230
00:09:05,230 --> 00:09:06,698
- Mm-hmm.
- And I-I looked away for one second,
231
00:09:06,732 --> 00:09:08,332
and... and he ran out
in front of a car,
232
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:10,234
so I grabbed him
and I smacked him on the butt.
233
00:09:10,269 --> 00:09:11,602
I-I don't know
what came over me.
234
00:09:11,637 --> 00:09:13,938
Maternal instinct...
that's what came over you.
235
00:09:13,972 --> 00:09:16,140
Honey, you were being
a very good mother.
236
00:09:16,175 --> 00:09:18,042
You protected your son
from death,
237
00:09:18,077 --> 00:09:21,012
and you bought him
overpriced organic produce.
238
00:09:21,046 --> 00:09:22,280
Hmm?
239
00:09:22,314 --> 00:09:24,182
Don't worry about it.
240
00:09:24,216 --> 00:09:26,217
I would have done
exactly the same thing.
241
00:09:26,251 --> 00:09:27,685
Yeah, I know you would, mom.
242
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,320
That's what makes it even worse.
243
00:09:29,354 --> 00:09:31,055
What?
244
00:09:31,090 --> 00:09:32,323
Don't you understand?
245
00:09:32,357 --> 00:09:34,492
Okay, you... you hit me.
I hit Boyd.
246
00:09:34,526 --> 00:09:37,161
We are perpetuating
a cycle of violence, okay?
247
00:09:37,196 --> 00:09:39,597
Someday, Boyd
will probably hit his kids.
248
00:09:39,631 --> 00:09:41,666
This family
will never know peace.
249
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:45,002
So... so you hitting Boyd
is somehow my fault?
250
00:09:45,037 --> 00:09:47,004
B-but you're a victim
as much as I am.
251
00:09:47,039 --> 00:09:48,806
Okay, I'm sure
your folks hit you.
252
00:09:48,841 --> 00:09:51,409
Kristin, I spanked you
maybe a total of twice,
253
00:09:51,443 --> 00:09:52,710
and that's not a cycle.
254
00:09:52,745 --> 00:09:53,745
That's restraint.
255
00:09:55,114 --> 00:09:57,148
Hey, mom. What's for dinner?
256
00:09:57,182 --> 00:10:00,251
Apparently a legacy
of parental abuse.
257
00:10:00,285 --> 00:10:01,686
And salad.
258
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,590
And if you're still hungry,
there's tic tacs in my purse.
259
00:10:05,624 --> 00:10:09,160
I don't really get
this new diet she's on.
260
00:10:09,194 --> 00:10:10,795
No, no. Mom is just upset
261
00:10:10,829 --> 00:10:13,598
because I confronted her
about what she did to us.
262
00:10:13,632 --> 00:10:14,665
Good.
263
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,734
Somebody needs to call her
on her crap.
264
00:10:16,769 --> 00:10:18,903
What did she do to us?
265
00:10:18,937 --> 00:10:21,038
You know,
how she used to spank us.
266
00:10:22,107 --> 00:10:24,742
Spank us? You mean at scrabble?
267
00:10:24,777 --> 00:10:26,577
She must have spanked me
in the head,
268
00:10:26,612 --> 00:10:28,379
'cause I don't remember
any of this.
269
00:10:28,413 --> 00:10:31,449
You're telling me
mom never swatted your butts?
270
00:10:31,483 --> 00:10:32,917
[Laughs] "Butts."
271
00:10:32,951 --> 00:10:34,952
W-w-what about all those times
272
00:10:34,987 --> 00:10:37,255
that she would drag you
into your room with a hairbrush?
273
00:10:37,289 --> 00:10:38,556
She was brushing my hair.
274
00:10:38,590 --> 00:10:40,291
You were screaming and crying.
275
00:10:40,325 --> 00:10:42,860
Yeah, 'cause there were tangles.
276
00:10:42,895 --> 00:10:45,296
Was I the only one
mom ever spanked?
277
00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:47,965
- She does high-five really hard.
- Yeah.
278
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,235
Oh, I saw her SWAT muffin once
with a newspaper,
279
00:10:51,270 --> 00:10:54,405
so maybe you guys
could form a support group!
280
00:10:54,439 --> 00:10:56,107
[Sighs]
281
00:10:56,141 --> 00:10:58,176
"Hello, everyone,
my name is muffin,
282
00:10:58,210 --> 00:10:59,944
and I'm a victim of spanking."
283
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,214
Unbelievable.
284
00:11:03,248 --> 00:11:05,116
You know, it... I...
285
00:11:05,150 --> 00:11:06,551
hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
286
00:11:06,585 --> 00:11:10,488
There was this one time
she, uh...
287
00:11:10,522 --> 00:11:12,423
No, that was a hug.
288
00:11:12,457 --> 00:11:14,759
[Laughs]
289
00:11:21,776 --> 00:11:24,011
[Knock on door]
290
00:11:24,045 --> 00:11:26,080
- Hey, dad.
- Son.
291
00:11:26,114 --> 00:11:27,181
Knew it was you.
292
00:11:27,215 --> 00:11:29,049
You're the only one
that still knocks.
293
00:11:29,084 --> 00:11:30,117
We have a doorbell.
294
00:11:30,151 --> 00:11:31,619
Oh, forgive me
for trying to save you
295
00:11:31,653 --> 00:11:33,020
a couple of bucks
on electricity.
296
00:11:34,823 --> 00:11:37,524
I left my nicotine gum here
the other night.
297
00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:38,659
I really need it
298
00:11:38,693 --> 00:11:41,495
since I switched
to those light cigarettes.
299
00:11:41,529 --> 00:11:43,264
So that's what that is.
300
00:11:43,298 --> 00:11:45,566
I thought it was a chiclet
that had gone bad.
301
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,635
Explains why I couldn't stop
chewing it.
302
00:11:49,237 --> 00:11:50,871
It's a pretty good game.
303
00:11:50,905 --> 00:11:53,173
Want to stick around and watch?
304
00:11:53,208 --> 00:11:55,476
I guess.
305
00:11:55,510 --> 00:11:57,578
You know, the other night,
306
00:11:57,612 --> 00:12:00,180
when I was talking
about spanking,
307
00:12:00,215 --> 00:12:02,850
I think you might have taken me
the wrong way.
308
00:12:02,884 --> 00:12:04,351
You were pretty clear.
309
00:12:04,386 --> 00:12:05,686
I hit you too much.
310
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,154
Open that, would you?
311
00:12:07,188 --> 00:12:11,859
Look... You spanked us
and we knew why.
312
00:12:11,893 --> 00:12:13,661
You know, you never took it
too far, dad.
313
00:12:13,695 --> 00:12:17,164
Well, I wasn't giving you
my fastball.
314
00:12:17,198 --> 00:12:19,733
I'm just saying, it was nothing
we didn't deserve.
315
00:12:19,768 --> 00:12:22,303
Kids shouldn't be
throwing each other out windows,
316
00:12:22,337 --> 00:12:24,705
lighting each other on fire,
317
00:12:24,739 --> 00:12:26,573
or stealing a car.
318
00:12:26,608 --> 00:12:28,309
You stole my car?
319
00:12:28,343 --> 00:12:30,911
That's how we got the dent
in the bonneville?
320
00:12:30,945 --> 00:12:32,813
No.
321
00:12:32,847 --> 00:12:34,181
That's where Jimmy landed
322
00:12:34,215 --> 00:12:35,983
when I tossed him
out the window.
323
00:12:37,786 --> 00:12:40,187
You did a great job raising us.
324
00:12:40,221 --> 00:12:41,622
Eh.
325
00:12:41,656 --> 00:12:43,757
I-I've been thinking
about it, too.
326
00:12:43,792 --> 00:12:46,327
I really did some damage
with that hitting.
327
00:12:46,361 --> 00:12:48,362
It's my fault
how you turned out.
328
00:12:48,396 --> 00:12:51,398
What, uh, smart, handsome,
and successful?
329
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:55,069
No.
330
00:12:55,103 --> 00:12:57,538
You know... Sensitive.
331
00:12:57,572 --> 00:12:59,840
"Sensitive"?
You mean insensitive.
332
00:12:59,874 --> 00:13:02,910
Vanessa's always complaining
about something.
333
00:13:02,944 --> 00:13:06,847
If I were sensitive,
I could tell you what it was.
334
00:13:08,783 --> 00:13:10,684
Son, I was too rough on you,
335
00:13:10,719 --> 00:13:13,587
and as a result,
you can't spank your own kids.
336
00:13:13,621 --> 00:13:16,056
That's called self-control, dad.
337
00:13:16,091 --> 00:13:17,057
I'm sorry.
338
00:13:17,092 --> 00:13:20,260
I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
339
00:13:20,295 --> 00:13:21,862
I know you got a lot of them.
340
00:13:21,896 --> 00:13:23,364
What are you talking about?
341
00:13:23,398 --> 00:13:26,767
I remember once, you wrote
this poem about a flower.
342
00:13:26,801 --> 00:13:29,069
What are you...
343
00:13:29,104 --> 00:13:32,072
it was a school project.
You had to write about a flower.
344
00:13:32,107 --> 00:13:36,176
But you didn't have to get
an "A."
345
00:13:38,012 --> 00:13:41,949
It's all right, son.
I love you just the way you are.
346
00:13:41,983 --> 00:13:43,384
Sensitive.
347
00:13:43,418 --> 00:13:45,419
[Doorbell rings]
348
00:13:45,453 --> 00:13:47,388
Got it!
349
00:13:47,422 --> 00:13:48,722
Boyd: Daddy!
350
00:13:48,757 --> 00:13:50,991
Ah! Oh, there's my big guy.
351
00:13:51,025 --> 00:13:52,826
Hi, dude. How was your day?
352
00:13:52,861 --> 00:13:53,994
We went to whole foods.
353
00:13:54,028 --> 00:13:56,096
Anything exciting happen there?
354
00:13:56,131 --> 00:13:58,232
What? Why would anything happen
at whole foods?
355
00:13:58,266 --> 00:14:01,235
Uh, I don't know.
356
00:14:01,269 --> 00:14:03,170
You know, they're always doing
great new stuff with soy.
357
00:14:04,873 --> 00:14:06,206
Hey, do you think
your mom would mind
358
00:14:06,241 --> 00:14:07,975
if I made myself a little
sandwich before I leave?
359
00:14:08,009 --> 00:14:10,010
I think she'd be shocked
if you didn't.
360
00:14:10,044 --> 00:14:11,078
Boyd, hey, honey.
361
00:14:11,112 --> 00:14:12,279
Sweetie, come here
for a sec, okay?
362
00:14:12,313 --> 00:14:14,348
Listen, I was thinking,
363
00:14:14,382 --> 00:14:16,116
and maybe
we shouldn't tell daddy
364
00:14:16,151 --> 00:14:18,118
about what happened today
at the store.
365
00:14:18,153 --> 00:14:19,853
You mean the two ladies
in man clothes
366
00:14:19,888 --> 00:14:20,854
that were kissing?
367
00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:23,424
Oh, no, no. No, honey.
368
00:14:23,458 --> 00:14:26,326
T-that was beautiful, okay?
And natural.
369
00:14:26,361 --> 00:14:29,430
I-I mean... I mean
how you ran away from me
370
00:14:29,464 --> 00:14:31,765
and I gave you a little spank.
371
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,201
You and daddy promised
you'd never do that.
372
00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:35,202
[Sighs]
373
00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:36,637
I know. I know.
And I'm sorry, okay?
374
00:14:36,671 --> 00:14:38,105
But... but talking about it
375
00:14:38,139 --> 00:14:40,007
will probably
just upset daddy, so...
376
00:14:40,041 --> 00:14:41,375
okay. I won't tell him.
377
00:14:41,409 --> 00:14:43,310
Thank you! Oh, you're the best.
378
00:14:43,344 --> 00:14:44,545
Can we get ice cream?
379
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,713
No, honey.
It's too close to dinner.
380
00:14:46,748 --> 00:14:50,517
I think you should get me
some ice cream.
381
00:14:50,552 --> 00:14:53,487
I said no.
382
00:14:53,521 --> 00:14:54,488
Daddy!
383
00:14:54,522 --> 00:14:55,489
Boyd! Hey!
384
00:14:55,523 --> 00:14:57,124
You said you wouldn't
say anything.
385
00:14:57,158 --> 00:14:58,559
Daddy always gives me treats
386
00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:00,194
when he wants me
to do something.
387
00:15:00,228 --> 00:15:01,628
Unbelievable.
388
00:15:01,663 --> 00:15:04,331
Okay, I gave you two candy bars.
You said we were good.
389
00:15:04,365 --> 00:15:07,701
A-and this is what comes from
you constantly bribing our son.
390
00:15:07,735 --> 00:15:10,871
Now Boyd won't obey me
unless I give him ice cream.
391
00:15:10,905 --> 00:15:12,172
Okay. All right.
392
00:15:12,207 --> 00:15:14,975
Boyd, if you promise to stop
asking for ice cream,
393
00:15:15,009 --> 00:15:16,677
daddy will get you sorbet.
394
00:15:16,711 --> 00:15:20,848
What... really? Sorbet?
395
00:15:20,882 --> 00:15:23,317
Well, it's not ice cream.
396
00:15:23,351 --> 00:15:25,385
We cannot keep reinforcing
bad behavior
397
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,154
by stuffing this kid with sugar.
398
00:15:27,188 --> 00:15:28,822
Okay, what are you trying
to get him to do?
399
00:15:28,857 --> 00:15:30,390
I-I don't even remember anymore.
400
00:15:30,425 --> 00:15:33,861
You didn't want me to tell daddy
you spanked me.
401
00:15:35,230 --> 00:15:36,263
You spanked him?
402
00:15:36,297 --> 00:15:37,464
You have seen
403
00:15:37,499 --> 00:15:40,501
your last bowl of ice cream,
mister.
404
00:15:40,535 --> 00:15:42,236
Kris, we said
that we would never spank him.
405
00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:43,670
What the hell happened?
Yeah, I d...
406
00:15:43,705 --> 00:15:46,306
oh, she didn't tell you about
our family's cycle of violence?
407
00:15:48,142 --> 00:15:50,777
My ancestors
landed at Plymouth rock,
408
00:15:50,812 --> 00:15:52,946
the Indians brought us corn,
409
00:15:52,981 --> 00:15:55,349
and we whacked our kids with it.
410
00:15:57,051 --> 00:15:59,353
Ryan, you weren't there, okay?
411
00:15:59,387 --> 00:16:01,221
He almost ran out
in front of a car.
412
00:16:01,256 --> 00:16:03,423
Okay, so you save him
from getting hit, and then you hit him?
413
00:16:03,458 --> 00:16:05,459
Uh, guys, I don't think you
should be having this argument
414
00:16:05,493 --> 00:16:07,060
in front of Boyd.
415
00:16:07,095 --> 00:16:08,551
[Sighs] Hey, Boyd, will
you please go to your room?
416
00:16:08,564 --> 00:16:10,030
I don't want to.
417
00:16:10,064 --> 00:16:11,303
Boyd, please, just do
what you're told, okay?
418
00:16:11,316 --> 00:16:12,566
No.
419
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,234
Enough of this!
Boyd, listen to your mother!
420
00:16:14,269 --> 00:16:16,069
Go to your room right now!
421
00:16:16,104 --> 00:16:20,274
What are you thinking about?
Listen!
422
00:16:20,308 --> 00:16:21,675
Hey. Whoa, dad.
423
00:16:21,709 --> 00:16:23,210
Dad, was that really necessary?
424
00:16:23,244 --> 00:16:24,945
Uh, actually, I think it was.
425
00:16:24,979 --> 00:16:26,480
Listen, I'm only
gonna say this once.
426
00:16:26,514 --> 00:16:28,448
And you do not
want to upset him,
427
00:16:28,483 --> 00:16:30,117
or he'll draw you a flower.
428
00:16:32,253 --> 00:16:34,755
You're making too much
out of this spanking thing.
429
00:16:34,789 --> 00:16:36,557
I am not making
too much of this.
430
00:16:36,591 --> 00:16:39,092
People keep spanking my son.
431
00:16:39,127 --> 00:16:40,961
- Mahatma Gandhi once said...
- Shut up!
432
00:16:40,995 --> 00:16:42,462
Listen.
433
00:16:42,497 --> 00:16:44,298
You didn't do anything wrong
when you spanked Boyd
434
00:16:44,332 --> 00:16:46,567
or when you spanked kris
or when you spanked me,
435
00:16:46,601 --> 00:16:49,069
and I didn't do anything wrong
when I didn't spank anybody.
436
00:16:49,103 --> 00:16:51,338
Nobody here is a bad parent.
437
00:16:51,372 --> 00:16:52,172
Well, thank you, Mike.
438
00:16:52,206 --> 00:16:53,874
Except you.
439
00:16:55,343 --> 00:16:57,344
How do you discipline a kid
with ice cream?
440
00:16:57,378 --> 00:16:59,346
Our system works for our family.
441
00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:00,881
But not in this family
right here.
442
00:17:00,915 --> 00:17:02,950
That 6-year-old is running
this house right now.
443
00:17:02,984 --> 00:17:04,585
Yeah, dad is completely right.
444
00:17:04,619 --> 00:17:05,852
Of course he is.
445
00:17:05,887 --> 00:17:07,554
He feels things more deeply
than the rest of us.
446
00:17:09,457 --> 00:17:11,792
Look, parenting is hard.
447
00:17:11,826 --> 00:17:14,361
We're all trying to figure
this stuff out as we go,
448
00:17:14,395 --> 00:17:16,663
and there's no book
to tell you how to do it.
449
00:17:16,698 --> 00:17:18,465
There are literally
thousands of books.
450
00:17:19,701 --> 00:17:21,568
What book
do you guys parent with...
451
00:17:21,603 --> 00:17:23,537
"how to raise a kid"
by Ben and Jerry?
452
00:17:23,571 --> 00:17:25,439
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
453
00:17:25,473 --> 00:17:28,008
You know, I-I guess I just don't
like disappointing my son.
454
00:17:28,042 --> 00:17:30,444
I was out of his life
for three years,
455
00:17:30,478 --> 00:17:33,013
and that just makes me
want to spoil him.
456
00:17:33,047 --> 00:17:35,649
Well, that's not
what parenting's all about.
457
00:17:35,683 --> 00:17:39,219
That's what
grandparenting's about.
458
00:17:39,253 --> 00:17:40,454
You're not his friend.
459
00:17:40,488 --> 00:17:42,823
If your kid likes
how he's being disciplined,
460
00:17:42,857 --> 00:17:44,658
you're probably doing it wrong.
461
00:17:44,692 --> 00:17:47,728
Okay. Fine. No more bribing.
462
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:49,296
But no more spanking, either.
463
00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:50,330
Agreed.
464
00:17:50,365 --> 00:17:51,598
Okay, but when he does
something wrong,
465
00:17:51,633 --> 00:17:53,533
there has to be
some sort of consequence.
466
00:17:53,568 --> 00:17:55,268
And he's not gonna like
the consequence.
467
00:17:56,704 --> 00:17:58,171
You got to be all right
with that.
468
00:17:58,206 --> 00:18:00,907
You know what I like
about football?
469
00:18:00,942 --> 00:18:03,844
That you can bring it up
in the middle of a conversation
470
00:18:03,878 --> 00:18:05,912
that has nothing to do
with anything?
471
00:18:05,947 --> 00:18:07,848
There are clear rules
472
00:18:07,882 --> 00:18:09,549
and penalties
when you break them.
473
00:18:09,584 --> 00:18:11,418
Remember when the refs
went on strike?
474
00:18:11,452 --> 00:18:12,986
The scabs didn't know the rules,
475
00:18:13,021 --> 00:18:14,254
there was chaos on the field,
476
00:18:14,288 --> 00:18:17,958
and I lost $400
on that packers-seahawks game.
477
00:18:19,093 --> 00:18:20,093
Sorry. I'm...
478
00:18:20,128 --> 00:18:21,862
yeah, I'm really new
to football, so...
479
00:18:21,896 --> 00:18:24,665
Son, you can't be afraid
to throw a flag.
480
00:18:27,235 --> 00:18:30,604
Boyd is looking at you
to enforce the rules.
481
00:18:30,638 --> 00:18:32,606
And when you do, he'll be happy.
482
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,441
You'll both be happy.
483
00:18:34,475 --> 00:18:35,442
Okay.
484
00:18:35,476 --> 00:18:36,977
Thank you both.
485
00:18:38,738 --> 00:18:40,339
Nice work.
486
00:18:40,381 --> 00:18:44,785
Not bad for my first try
at being sensitive.
487
00:18:54,584 --> 00:18:55,784
- Hey!
- Hey.
488
00:18:55,818 --> 00:18:56,852
[Gasps]
489
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,954
Ooh! I like
that you're wearing your hat.
490
00:18:58,988 --> 00:19:00,455
Of course I am. I love it.
491
00:19:00,490 --> 00:19:01,990
In fact, I got you a little
492
00:19:02,025 --> 00:19:03,825
"thank you for my present"
present.
493
00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:05,427
Oh, my God! I-it's not a hat.
494
00:19:05,461 --> 00:19:07,062
I shouldn't ruin the surprise.
495
00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:09,598
It might be a hat.
496
00:19:09,632 --> 00:19:10,932
It's not a hat.
497
00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:12,434
Oh, my God.
498
00:19:12,468 --> 00:19:13,835
You went out
and got me something
499
00:19:13,870 --> 00:19:15,170
just 'cause I got you something?
500
00:19:15,204 --> 00:19:16,705
- Yeah, I know I didn't have to.
- No, no, no, no!
501
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:20,208
Let's, like,
make this our thing, you know?
502
00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:21,877
[Squealing] I'm so excited!
503
00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:23,645
Oh, my God.
504
00:19:24,947 --> 00:19:27,082
Hmm.
505
00:19:27,116 --> 00:19:29,318
"Mandy & Kyle."
506
00:19:29,352 --> 00:19:31,219
Oh, you shouldn't have.
507
00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:32,521
Do you like it?
508
00:19:32,555 --> 00:19:34,723
No. That's why I said,
"you shouldn't have."
509
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:38,060
I knew I should have sprung
for the real rhinestones.
510
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,662
I-I got that for you
511
00:19:40,697 --> 00:19:42,631
for the same reason
you got me my hat.
512
00:19:42,665 --> 00:19:44,533
I'm marking you as my property.
513
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:49,237
I'm branding you... like a cow.
514
00:19:50,973 --> 00:19:53,408
I didn't give you the hat
'cause I wanted to mark you.
515
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:56,178
You weren't telling other girls
to back off?
516
00:19:56,212 --> 00:19:57,813
Well, no.
I mean, I got you that hat
517
00:19:57,847 --> 00:19:59,748
'cause I don't really like
your style.
518
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,551
What's wrong with my style?
519
00:20:02,585 --> 00:20:05,554
Okay, honey, the way
that you dress is like,
520
00:20:05,588 --> 00:20:06,955
um...
521
00:20:06,989 --> 00:20:11,893
Like if a lumberjack
and a drifter had a baby.
522
00:20:13,563 --> 00:20:17,733
And then you asked for
fashion advice from that baby.
523
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:19,968
So you're saying
I'm not good enough the way I am
524
00:20:20,002 --> 00:20:21,103
and you want to change me?
525
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:22,471
Yes.
526
00:20:22,505 --> 00:20:25,006
All right! [Chuckles]
527
00:20:26,342 --> 00:20:27,414
You like me so much,
you want to change me!
528
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,510
Yeah.
529
00:20:28,544 --> 00:20:30,912
I always knew I wasn't good
enough, but now you can fix me.
530
00:20:30,947 --> 00:20:31,947
Yes!
531
00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:33,115
Yes!
532
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,717
So the first thing
we're gonna do is return this
533
00:20:35,752 --> 00:20:38,553
and buy more stuff
to make you amazing!
534
00:20:38,588 --> 00:20:40,422
[Chuckles]
535
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,190
Hey, do I know you?
536
00:20:42,225 --> 00:20:43,959
Yeah. Susan.
537
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:45,894
We live next door to each other.
538
00:20:45,928 --> 00:20:46,995
Kyle.
539
00:20:47,029 --> 00:20:48,830
You kept throwing your garbage
through my window.
540
00:20:48,865 --> 00:20:50,399
You thought
it was a trash chute.
541
00:20:50,433 --> 00:20:51,466
Oh, yeah.
542
00:20:51,501 --> 00:20:53,502
Yeah, the guy that lives
down the trash chute.
543
00:20:53,536 --> 00:20:54,569
Yeah. [Chuckles]
544
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:56,705
I really like your hat.
545
00:20:56,739 --> 00:20:57,973
Thanks.
546
00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,808
Well, I'll see you around, Kyle.
547
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:01,009
Stop by sometime.
548
00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:02,411
All right.
549
00:21:02,445 --> 00:21:03,979
[Chuckles]
550
00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,247
She's pretty.
551
00:21:05,281 --> 00:21:08,617
I think she's on a beer poster.
552
00:21:08,651 --> 00:21:10,185
All right,
should we get to the mall
553
00:21:10,219 --> 00:21:11,620
and turn me into a dreamboat?
554
00:21:11,654 --> 00:21:14,656
Yeah, give me that hat.
We're not going to the mall.
555
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:15,657
Why?
556
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,591
Because!
557
00:21:16,626 --> 00:21:18,293
You need to save your money
558
00:21:18,327 --> 00:21:21,229
so you can move out
of that apartment.
559
00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:25,100
Could this day get any better?
560
00:21:25,134 --> 00:21:27,002
I'm getting a new apartment,
561
00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:29,749
and I get to stop by
Susan's later.
562
00:21:29,774 --> 00:21:39,611
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