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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,479
I'm in the hospital,
I'm finally getting my boobs fixed.
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:05,719
Stop talking.
3
00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,919
I missed my period.
You know what that means.
4
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,119
You're pregnant.
5
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:12,279
All these bloody coffee shops,
they may feed the body,
6
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,639
but what feeds the soul?
7
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,279
How's the coffee?
Yeah, it's all right.
8
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:16,919
Will you marry me?
9
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,119
This is all so quick.
10
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,399
As your best man,
11
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,879
it's my responsibility to give you
one last night of freedom.
12
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,279
I wondered if I could
procure your services,
13
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,720
professionally, for the night.
14
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,799
I love you.
15
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,119
I love you too.
16
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,439
I guess it's just you two now.
17
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:36,679
No!
18
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,199
We're having a baby.
19
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:39,640
Woo!
20
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:46,319
This whole experience has been
so overwhelming,
21
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,759
but it's made it all the more
comforting having you here.
22
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,439
Aw.
23
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,879
Hey, there's no need for a scan.
24
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:59,920
If I just lube my head up enough
I can squeeze in and take a look.
25
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,959
Do you have a snorkel?
26
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,639
You might want to prepare yourself.
27
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:08,039
We've no idea what horror
might appear on that screen.
28
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,559
We all thought Timmy was
going to be normal,
29
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,799
but the midwife still has
post-traumatic stress disorder.
30
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,159
Don't be surprised
31
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,480
if you see something that looks
like a Jackson Pollock with teeth.
32
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,839
Holy fuck!
33
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,159
You might actually be pregnant.
34
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:31,000
It's beautiful. It's so tiny
but already I feel nothing but love.
35
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,639
I feel complete.
36
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,599
Boring.
37
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,600
I gave it guns for hands.
38
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,479
This machine cost �20,000.
39
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:42,919
Does the pen rub off?
40
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,159
Yes.
41
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,040
But you didn't know that, did you?
42
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,159
OK.
43
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,719
We just need to make
sure you know each other
44
00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:03,119
and are not getting married for the
purposes of, say, immigration fraud.
45
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:07,199
OK, so it's protocol that
I interview you separately.
46
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,199
All right, let's get cracking.
47
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,519
So what is your significant
other's full name?
48
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,599
I know this one. Lily.
49
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,959
Lily what?
50
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,399
Well, it's a weird last name,
but if you say so.
51
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,039
And what is her age?
52
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,279
Um...
53
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,040
..23 to 44.
54
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,119
So where was he born?
55
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,759
America. North Carolina.
56
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,039
Where was she born?
57
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:35,719
Room three Maternity Ward,
Lewisham Hospital, SE13 6HL.
58
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,319
Did she coach you to say that?
59
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:38,759
No!
60
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,279
And what colour is his toothbrush?
61
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:41,839
He doesn't have a toothbrush.
62
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:43,479
You're not wrong there.
63
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:44,639
THEY LAUGH
64
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:45,879
Can smell it from here.
65
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,239
I can see it as well.
66
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,199
What does she do for a living?
Runs a sham disability charity.
67
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,279
Excuse me?
68
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:52,360
Finances.
69
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,119
And where did you meet?
70
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,320
On a film set.
71
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,079
So you're an actor? Yes.
72
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,199
So he's an actor?
73
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,039
LAUGHS: Fuck off!
74
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,800
THEY CHORTLE
75
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,279
And finally - reason for marriage.
76
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,319
Love...
77
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,439
..I think.
78
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:13,920
She's just great.
79
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,279
Well, I can tell you there's no
legal reason
80
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,199
why you cannot get married.
81
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,039
WHISPERS: You could do so much
better.
82
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,399
I know.
83
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,600
SHE LAUGHS
84
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,159
This is so exciting.
85
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,879
We're going to get married!
86
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,759
Next up, the registry office.
87
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,519
Yeah, I've been thinking about that.
88
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,999
And you know what?
89
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:43,799
I've always dreamt of a posh
wedding in a fancy hotel.
90
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:48,159
Not something small then? Cheap?
91
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,919
The more lavish, the better.
92
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,279
Go big or go home, mate.
93
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:56,560
You do know I'm not actually
a millionaire?
94
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,439
Oh, you're going to get it for free.
95
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:02,720
Fuck, yeah.
96
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,440
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
97
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,559
So how did it go?
98
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:14,679
Great!
99
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,000
Congratulations.
100
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,759
Shit.
101
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,159
Congratulations! Oh.
102
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,519
And so what about the wedding?
103
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,039
I was talking about the wedding.
104
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,759
What are those banners for?
105
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,119
For the... For the baby scan.
106
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,639
You made a banner saying
"I'm sorry"
107
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:35,199
as the first possible
outcome from a baby scan.
108
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,960
Aaliyah, I'll need your help.
109
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,439
Hey, there you are.
110
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,999
You said it was a book shop,
not a Starbucks.
111
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,719
It is a book shop.
112
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,359
I am so excited about this wedding.
113
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,639
I know we don't have a
lot of family here,
114
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:55,559
so I invited a lovely Japanese
family I just met, is that OK?
115
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,359
LAUGHS LIGHTLY
116
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,399
Don't be shy. Oh, my God.
117
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,239
Come on, have a feel.
118
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,559
No thank you... Come on.
119
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,440
Probably should... Ah well.
120
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,159
Oh! Aye, aye, aye, that's what
you're wanting, Oh, aye.
121
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,679
Good bit of give.
122
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,119
That's a perfect
bit of craftsmanship.
123
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,599
Idris, this is the exact
density that I'm wanting
124
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,679
out of your mattress.
125
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,679
Ah, it's lovely.
Thank you.
126
00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:26,999
I've just remembered I've got quite
a lot of, erm, best man...stuff to do,
127
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,919
so I'm just going to, erm, crack on.
128
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,479
Let me do that.
129
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,520
Why does he keep
talking about being best man?
130
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,759
Dad, hello.
131
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,479
Hello, darling. You look radiant.
132
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:40,679
Thank you.
133
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:41,959
Sorry I'm late.
134
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,159
I was told that we are meeting
in a book shop, not in a Costa.
135
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,599
Definitely a book shop.
136
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,120
Hi, I'm Tim.
137
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:55,359
I'm the guy that knocked
up your daughter.
138
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,159
It's a wonderful gift you have
given to our family.
139
00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,359
The thought of becoming
a grandfather.
140
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,519
Wow.
141
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,999
I can barely contain my joy.
142
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,719
Hiya.
143
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,479
I'm Tim's mom.
144
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,199
You want to feel my new titties?
145
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,679
Oh, Jesus.
146
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,000
That's a very lovely offer.
147
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:17,159
Going to the chapel and we're
148
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,959
Gonna get ma-a-a...
149
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,079
Ah. That's a little tight, Mom.
150
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,919
Oh. Sorry. Let me see you.
151
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,479
I'm impressed.
152
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,839
Get ma-a-arried
153
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:33,639
Gee, I really love you and we're
154
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:37,039
Gonna get ma-a-arried
155
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:41,040
Going to the chapel of love
156
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,679
Spring is here...
157
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,559
"Ladies and gentlemen..."
158
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,280
SHE STIFLES LAUGH
159
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,839
You know what? I think I'm
going to head to the book shop
160
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,799
for a little bit just to
finish this speech.
161
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,039
I think I need to be in more
of a literary environment,
162
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,479
um, to get some inspiration.
163
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:02,959
UNDER HER BREATH: Fucking hell.
164
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,319
Don't forget to take that.
165
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,559
We'll say I do
166
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:12,680
And we'll never be lonely any more
167
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,079
Because we're gonna get...
168
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,639
I guess it does look
a bit like a coffee shop.
169
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,479
Gonna get ma-a-arried...
170
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,200
I'm so proud of you, Timmy.
171
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,679
Eurgh.
172
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:29,960
Are you OK?
173
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:37,399
I just never thought I would be this
proud of a spunk bubble.
174
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:41,520
There it is! That was scary.
175
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,000
I was worried for a second.
176
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,280
DOOR OPENS
177
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,839
I got your text.
178
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,319
What's the emergency?
179
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,359
Look, Aaliyah, I need you to
be honest with me.
180
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,039
Can you do that?
181
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,079
Is this a cultural centre the way
it was when Murry owned it?
182
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,399
No. It's a temple
of capitalistic greed.
183
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,679
By the way, this whole thing could
have been a text.
184
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,279
Right? I'm sorry.
185
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:12,039
I'm going to the wedding now because
Lily's asked me to do something.
186
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,519
And even a wedding is better than
being stuck here talking to you.
187
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:16,999
Yeah... You...
188
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,319
You go ahead.
189
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,599
I'll... I'll be...
190
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,279
I'll catch up...
191
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:22,360
OK.
192
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,159
Welcome to Colebridge Manor.
193
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,079
Our mission is to make this the most
special day of your life.
194
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,919
Special?
I hope you don't mean I'm...
195
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,199
Oh, God, no. No, I didn't...
No, I didn't...
196
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,440
It just needs to be perfect.
197
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,279
I'm a freelance journalist,
198
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,920
and I'm writing a piece about
disabled weddings for The Guardian.
199
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,119
Did you get the wheelchair
for my husband? Yes.
200
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,959
And the function room is looking
magnificent for the meal.
201
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,399
It's on the first floor.
202
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:00,559
But don't worry.
203
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,359
The lifts are in full working order.
204
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:07,919
Lifts! Part of my husband's
condition is extreme claustrophobia.
205
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,799
Do you want him to have a seizure?
206
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,639
Oh, God, no.
207
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,599
We could move you to the ballroom...
208
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,119
..at no extra cost.
209
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,399
Good.
210
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,160
As long as nothing else goes wrong.
211
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,839
Everything I believed is a lie.
212
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,479
Love is a deception!
213
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,719
Er sorry, this is Marjorie,
our Registrar.
214
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,399
Love is merely a series
of electrical signals
215
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:32,519
to our brains to trick us into the
horrifying act of reproduction.
216
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,320
I didn't realise, but she's right!
217
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,319
She was going to marry us.
218
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,719
I am so, so sorry.
219
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,359
I don't know what's got into her.
220
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,959
Actually, one of our guests is
a registered celebrant.
221
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,759
Well, I cannot apologise enough.
222
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,039
So if it helps rescue the situation.
223
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,959
Now, if you'd excuse me.
224
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,120
Marjorie!
225
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,599
DOOR OPENS
226
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,119
Oh, God, Jesus Christ.
227
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,239
Hey, can we get a Frappuccino?
228
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,320
No, get out, you beardy cunts.
229
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,439
Sorry, I... I didn't meant that
but I do need you to leave.
230
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,959
Come on. Just to the door,
thank you.
231
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,239
Sorry about the language.
232
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,039
I don't normally use that
kind of....
233
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,839
It's just I need you to...
234
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,120
Thank you.
235
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,759
YELLS
236
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,159
MUSIC: Firestarter by The Prodigy
237
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,840
YELLS
238
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,200
SLOW-MO YELLING
239
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,119
Mr Renkow, it is my great honour to
welcome you to Colebridge Manor.
240
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,239
Your wheels, sir.
241
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,440
Ooh.
242
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,639
I've never been in one
of these before.
243
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,279
Wee...
244
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,319
Is that right?
245
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:49,759
THUD
246
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:50,959
SHE CHUCKLES
247
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,719
Wee!
248
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,280
SHE LAUGHS
249
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,479
How do you go straight?
250
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,680
Wooo... Whoa!
251
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,999
What was that? So fast.
252
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,959
I want to go again.
253
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:18,239
You told us this venue was going to
be perfectly accessible.
254
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:23,239
But my husband-to-be has almost
killed his entire family!
255
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,759
He loves Aunt Yamamoto.
256
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,239
I am so sorry, madam.
257
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,680
I accept mistakes have been made.
258
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:35,759
Perhaps if we waive our booking fee
and you enjoy your amazing day
259
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:40,280
and possibly mention how much fun
you've had in your Guardian article.
260
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:44,880
TO HERSELF: Job done.
261
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:53,040
Think about it,
there must be a higher love
262
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,400
Down in the heart
or hidden in the stars above
263
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,720
Bring me a higher love...
264
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,279
I'm so proud of you.
265
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,720
Thanks, Dad.
266
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,520
Bring me a higher love
267
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:19,999
I could rise above
on this higher love...
268
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:25,159
We are gathered here today to
witness a social construct.
269
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,319
Hmm.
270
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,959
I didn't think this bit through.
271
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,360
"Joining two people in a union
of love", it says here.
272
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,639
Well, though, actually
they're doing it
273
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,159
because Tim can't
control his tiny loads.
274
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,599
They're all thinking it.
275
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,999
It also says here to say that the
couple will look forward to
276
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,959
many happy years together.
277
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,279
Odds are that's not going to happen.
278
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,839
Divorce, premature death,
279
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,360
murder.
280
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,799
At least they might end
up as the same worm shit.
281
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,999
Aaliyah, back on script.
282
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,040
Fine.
283
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:03,800
So if anyone has any objections,
speak now.
284
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,359
MECHANICAL VOICE: Well, well, well.
285
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:08,720
What the fuck?
286
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,399
I have an objection.
287
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,839
I don't think
they should get married
288
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,319
because Tim has a small dick.
289
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,639
LAUGHTER
290
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,839
Well, this tiny dick created life.
291
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:22,919
Ooh!
292
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:26,319
This wedding should be illegal
because they both have vaginas.
293
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,039
Oi! That's not cool, man.
294
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,039
No, that's not what I meant.
295
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,239
Not lesbians shouldn't be allowed to
marry unless that lesbian is Tim.
296
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,919
AUDIO MANGLES
297
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,759
Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian.
Bad lesbian.
298
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,199
Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian...
Oi, what's up with lesbians?!
299
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,519
Eh? Right, come on. Out.
300
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,959
I think the machine broke.
301
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,319
Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian.
Bad lesbian...
302
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,080
Can you shut that fucking thing up!
303
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:52,359
I've done you wrong.
304
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,959
I've done this entire
community wrong.
305
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,719
This shop is a monument to my greed,
306
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,720
and I'm finally going to
put an end to it.
307
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,599
Can the best man bring
forward the ring?
308
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,040
Cheers.
309
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,399
Oh, for fuck's sake.
310
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,680
How did the two of you get pregnant?
311
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:40,039
You are now bonded
in the eyes of society.
312
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,279
You may now kiss, an evolutionary
313
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:46,640
means of tasting each other to find
genetic compatibility.
314
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,720
CROWD CHEERS
315
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,400
Now. Watch this.
316
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,599
Mazel tov!
317
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,679
GLASS SHATTERS
318
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,159
Why did you do that?!
319
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,799
Ow. I'm scary.
320
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,639
I've already got it all for free.
321
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,639
Someone get him a bandage!
322
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,999
Now you want to be Jewish?
What the hell.
323
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,280
Oh, God, Timmy!
324
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,519
Right, so the
fire didn't last that long.
325
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,159
But we can still destroy this
symbol of white supremacy.
326
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,480
Yeah! Oh.
327
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,199
When I first met Tim,
he reminded me of a stray dog.
328
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,600
Because he had fleas.
329
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,679
No, he did.
330
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:39,159
See, Tim's got a habit
of attracting parasites.
331
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,240
The worst one being Idris.
332
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:47,440
Where is Idris? What is the lowest
numbered table in this room?
333
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,479
Idris! Idris!
334
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:51,839
Where is Idris?
335
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,399
He should be here listening to me
rip the shit out of him.
336
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,119
Yet I'm going to need to go and find
him, the stupid wee arsehole.
337
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,799
Right, Mum, here,
you keep the energy going, right?
338
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,879
Yeah. Yeah.
339
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,880
Well, he's all yours now, Lily.
340
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:12,000
No, seriously, I'm very proud to
welcome Lily to our family.
341
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,079
Just promise me you won't let
him hold the baby.
342
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:20,119
I mean, it would be like putting
it in a fucking washing machine.
343
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,520
LAUGHTER
344
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:32,400
I know this is Lily's day, but it is
also the happiest day of my life.
345
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:41,999
To see my little buttercup smile,
to feel her love, her joy
346
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:46,239
because she met her soulmate
to look after her.
347
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:52,559
I have no doubt Tim will be
a wonderful husband and a father.
348
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,119
He seems to be a man of great
compassion
349
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,759
and a tower of strength and
reliability
350
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,159
for my little girl to lean on.
351
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,999
Wait, is she marrying another Tim?
352
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,000
LAUGHTER
353
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,199
Oh, guys, look, I
don't deserve your kindness.
354
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,279
Look at what I've done.
355
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,399
I took something from this
community,
356
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,239
and I just turned
it into a Starbucks.
357
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,879
I wish it was a Starbucks,
your coffee's shit.
358
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:23,399
Hey, move!
No, it's fine, I know him.
359
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,879
What is going on?
Why are you not at the wedding?
360
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,119
I don't even deserve to see love.
361
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,799
Can't even burn this
place down, Ruth.
362
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:31,959
Too much liquid.
363
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,999
I think if it had more books,
it might have gone up.
364
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,559
Idris, it's going to be OK.
365
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,759
The book shop?
Do you think so?
366
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,159
No, no.
367
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,399
That was a disaster from day one.
368
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,799
Look, there's something I've been
meaning to tell you.
369
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,759
Right? Idris.
370
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,839
You are one of the worst people
that I have ever met.
371
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,360
If erectile dysfunction had
a face then it's...
372
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,239
..and you are creepy.
373
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,239
But you're not creepy in cool
way like a spider.
374
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,439
You're creepy like a cockroach,
and you're boring, really boring.
375
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,639
You're like human grout,
you are so fucking beige.
376
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,959
But here's the thing.
377
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,479
I don't think that you're a total
prick.
378
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,160
I think you're OK.
379
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,559
You mean that?
I mean, I...
380
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,679
I don't even know why I think that.
381
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,319
Because you look like
a sad testicle.
382
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,759
I mean, who the
fuck sanded your chin off?
383
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,520
No just, erm, go back to
the nice thing.
384
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,479
You're not a total prick.
385
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,240
So do you fancy coming to a
wedding, co-best man?
386
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,079
Yeah...mate.
387
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,199
Don't fucking ruin it.
388
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,240
So close.
389
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,719
Your monster-in-law wants to know
390
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,239
if you've been thinking
of any baby names.
391
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,399
Well, I like the name Jamie,
392
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,679
but Tim is pushing for Quodog -
the Destroyer of Worlds.
393
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:50,919
What?!
394
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,039
Yeah, exactly.
395
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,200
Where is that little shit, anyway?
396
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,600
LAUGHS MANIACALLY
397
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,679
You finished that pretty quickly.
398
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,959
LAUGHS
Oh, my God.
399
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,839
I think I just felt it kick.
400
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,000
LOUD THUDDING
What's in there? Godzilla?
401
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:20,559
What the fuck are you doing?
402
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,199
I'm making you proud of me.
403
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,319
I thought of this last
night all by myself.
404
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,439
I told you, it's free.
405
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,079
Why waste a good plan?
406
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,079
Oh, yeah? And how the fuck
are you getting down?
407
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,839
Oh. That's easy.
408
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,159
Uh!
409
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,000
Tim! Tim!
410
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,880
BOTH: Tim!
411
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,639
What you trying to do?
You could have killed yourself.
412
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,440
Why not just lie at the bottom
of the stairs?
413
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,879
See, this is why I need you.
414
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:59,799
I spent all last night
thinking this through.
415
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,199
Just not the why or the how.
416
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,039
But I knew the what.
417
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,239
Yeah, well,
you need to think about the why.
418
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,519
Do I really?
419
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:13,319
Yes. I don't know,
cos this is who I am.
420
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,839
I do stupid shit and get
away with it,
421
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:20,719
because, for me,
life has no consequences.
422
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,439
Our baby is a consequence.
423
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,600
It's not just you any more.
It's us.
424
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,039
You need to grow up.
425
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,799
What if I can't be a good father?
426
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,559
No-one believes in me.
427
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,200
I believe in you, you dick.
428
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,359
I know you can do better.
429
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:46,719
Really? Cos I just threw
myself down a flight of stairs
430
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,480
trying to impress you.
431
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,199
Ooh. Body go gloop.
432
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,999
What the...? Oh, fuck's sake.
433
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,759
Well, how did he get
up there to begin with?
434
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,440
He can't go in lifts,
he has extreme claustrophobia.
435
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,960
Yah...
436
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:13,079
So we didn't get to finish our
joint best man speech earlier.
437
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,759
CLEARS THROAT
438
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:18,159
So we'd just like to say we're
thrilled that our best friend, Tim,
439
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,759
is marrying Lily.
440
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,519
So now he might finally fuck off
and let us get on with our lives.
441
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,239
To Tim and Lily.
442
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,839
ALL: To Tim and Lily.
443
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,559
Thank you, guys.
444
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:36,199
But I do have to reiterate, I didn't
ask either of you to be my best man.
445
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,199
The couple did ask that their first
dance be to Whitney Houston's
446
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,799
I Wanna Dance With Somebody,
but I don't have that.
447
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,999
Thank fuck.
448
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,280
ON MOBILE:
I was dancing when I was twelve
449
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,720
I was dancing when I was twelve
450
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,279
MUSIC CONTINUES AS SOUNDTRACK
451
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,960
I was dancing when I was out
452
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:07,080
I was dancing when I was out
453
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,440
I danced myself right out the womb
454
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:19,000
I danced myself right out the womb
455
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,280
Is it strange to dance so soon?
456
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,520
I danced myself right out the womb
457
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,399
I was dancing when I
was eight...
458
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:40,599
What if I start having, um, sexual
feelings towards Idris?
459
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,560
You will never be physically
attracted to him.
460
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,639
Oh, Oh, my...
461
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,279
Thank you. Thank you, Aaliyah.
462
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,999
Let's go get drunk,
like shit the bed drunk.
463
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,039
I'm already hammered.
464
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,279
I've been drinking since 8am.
465
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,639
I'm worried about losing control.
466
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,200
He-hey.
467
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,999
We're going to be all right, mate,
there is no way that I will find
468
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:14,519
you, in any way, sexually
attractive,
469
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,120
just like all other women.
470
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,600
Is it strange to dance so soon?
471
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:27,600
I danced myself into the tomb
472
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,880
I danced myself out of the womb
473
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,200
I danced myself out of the womb
474
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,960
Is it strange to dance so soon?
475
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,159
I danced myself into the tomb
476
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,399
But then again
477
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:54,959
Once more
478
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,200
I danced myself out of the womb
479
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,640
I danced myself out of
the womb...
480
00:24:03,690 --> 00:24:08,240
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