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1
00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:10,384
Attention all units,
attack in progress at 742 Summit Drive.
2
00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:15,180
742 Summit Drive. Screaming heard from
inside the residence. Respond, code three.
3
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:18,183
Five-four-three-zero,
show us responding.
4
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:20,060
We'll be on scene in under a minute.
5
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,521
Additional person reporting sound
of animal abuse.
6
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,440
Hit it, man. Let's go.
7
00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:36,660
- What the hell is that?
- Five-four-three-oh, request backup.
8
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,620
- It's here.
- Yep.
9
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,836
Stop.
Put your hands up and move away.
10
00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:48,756
I said, move away.
11
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,509
- Miss, it's okay.
- What the fuck?
12
00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:54,136
I'm coming. I'm coming.
13
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,889
What are you doing, man?
What's going on?
14
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,475
I didn't do anything.
What are you talking about?
15
00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,393
Get your hands behind your back.
16
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,353
I am deaf. Can you hear me?
17
00:01:03,521 --> 00:01:04,938
Hey, partner.
What?
18
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:07,107
You gotta look at this.
I am deaf.
19
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,610
Fuck.
- We don't have a crime here.
20
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:13,947
He wasn't raping me, he was
fucking me. You know, fucking.
21
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:15,699
Goddamn.
22
00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:16,992
I was about to come.
23
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,881
I don't care
Where you're from
24
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,674
The first time
That I saw you, girl
25
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:33,967
You had me sprung
26
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:36,345
Just the way that my name
Rolls off your tongue
27
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,514
Damn near knocked all
The wind out my lungs
28
00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:40,891
Baby girl, you the one
You the maximum
29
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,769
You got every man beggin'
For scraps
30
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,188
I want it all
In one lump sum
31
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:48,524
Girl, you got me sittin'
On my hands and thumbs
32
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,442
I ain't done
Girl, you got the magic touch
33
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,653
You ever fuck a deaf chick?
34
00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,155
Of course not.
35
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,366
- Are you getting excited?
- Are you nervous?
36
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:58,951
You only have nine days left.
37
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,953
No, I'm not nervous, but...
38
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,664
I tell you what,
this wedding planning stuff is unreal.
39
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,833
I spent last night, all last night...
40
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,419
...looking at books and magazines
of white flowers. Just white.
41
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:10,629
I love big weddings.
42
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:14,049
I don't know how people do it.
I'm just gonna elope.
43
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:17,136
Yeah? I was unaware that gay
marriages were legal in this state.
44
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,637
Yeah.
45
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:20,556
What?
46
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:23,308
Raise your hand if you've
ever fucked a deaf girl.
47
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,563
Bullshit.
You hooked up with a deaf girl?
48
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,189
What, you're deaf now too?
49
00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:34,987
Yeah, Dan, I had sex with a deaf girl.
50
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:39,074
Didn't you hook up with
a mute girl last semester?
51
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,785
That makes you two-thirds
of the way to a Helen Keller.
52
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,996
Dude, you have no idea.
She was crazy. She:
53
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,331
Fucking...
54
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:50,002
I almost shit myself when those cops
busted in. I thought she set me up.
55
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,753
Mr. Max.
56
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,965
What is your take on this issue?
I'm sorry, what issue is that?
57
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,176
Are you not paying attention Mr. Max?
58
00:02:57,343 --> 00:03:01,430
No, I wasn't. I apologize. I was busy talking
about having sex with a deaf girl.
59
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:03,849
Charming.
60
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,435
And oddly appropriate.
61
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:10,022
Do you or do you not feel that little people
should be a protected class?
62
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,231
You mean midgets?
63
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:14,276
No, Mr. Max, I do not mean midgets.
I mean little people.
64
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,779
"Midget" is an antiquated
and pejorative term.
65
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,908
What are we protecting them from,
eagles and poachers and stuff?
66
00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:22,326
Like an endangered species?
67
00:03:22,493 --> 00:03:25,537
Really? Poachers?
Mr. Max, if you didn't do the reading...
68
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:29,458
Well, sir, dwarfism is already
a protected class under the ADA.
69
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,293
So your point is kind of moot.
70
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,754
Now, if you're asking me if
I agree, I'm not sure.
71
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,006
There are so many kinds
of little people.
72
00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:40,219
There are the ones who are just shorter and
might need a booster seat at their cubicle.
73
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:44,223
There are those dwarves with giant heads
and flipper arms who can barely walk.
74
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:48,143
Now, is there a reasonable accommodation
an employer can make for those types...
75
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:51,355
...that doesn't qualify him
for the business necessity exception?
76
00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:55,108
I don't think so.
Then where do you draw the line?
77
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:57,486
I figure it's like riding a roller coaster.
78
00:03:57,946 --> 00:04:00,489
You must be this high
to get ADA protection.
79
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:03,575
Very funny, Mr. Max.
80
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,703
What if I told you I just finished
a pro bono case...
81
00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:09,748
...that involved a gentlemen's club
that tried to terminate...
82
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,542
...the employment of a dancer
with dwarfism because she...
83
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:14,461
You represented a midget stripper?
84
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,674
Was she hot?
Mr. Max.
85
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:24,263
If you're genuinely interested in the case,
come to office hours and I'll fill you in.
86
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:28,058
In the meantime, let's remember
that this is an employment law class...
87
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,935
...not Adult Friend Finder.
88
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,355
Touché. I will shut up now.
89
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:39,152
Dude, so you ready for your
bachelor party tonight or what?
90
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,529
Locked and loaded.
91
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:44,866
Good. I'm gonna go get Drew.
Meet us at the campus bar after class.
92
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:49,871
Oh, I guess I'll just finish up here
for you. Jackass.
93
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:57,713
Energy sword.
Who uses a fucking energy sword?
94
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,976
Pick up that energy sword one more time,
I am going to rape with you with it.
95
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,400
Hello.
- Yo, Drew, it's Tucker.
96
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,609
What are you doing?
97
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:21,903
Punishing unethical behavior.
98
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:24,740
All right. Well, I'm coming to get you, man.
We're going drinking.
99
00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,201
Here comes your object lesson.
100
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,787
Gained the lead.
101
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,297
Fucker.
102
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:00,275
Are those tampons?
103
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:01,860
Fuck.
104
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,530
"Take whatever you want.
Her box is apparently open to all."
105
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,449
Jesus.
106
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:15,916
Wow, look at this place.
It's a shrine to cuckoldry and rage.
107
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:21,296
You ready, dude?
108
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,592
What are you talking about?
109
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:30,389
We're going to the bar. I told you.
I don't actually listen to what you say.
110
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:34,601
I just wait for you to stop talking
about yourself, get bored and hang up.
111
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:40,649
Did Sarah call yet?
112
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:44,444
No. She probably has trouble
talking with a dick in her mouth.
113
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,321
Fuck, man.
114
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:48,031
This cartoon is disturbingly hot.
115
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,409
Can you imagine a threesome
with these two?
116
00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:52,994
I can imagine them both
cheating on me.
117
00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:57,332
They're cartoons, dude.
Oh, I'm on to your game, De Nils.
118
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:01,336
Diamonds are worthless,
other than the value attached to them...
119
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:04,965
...by the tramps you've brainwashed
into thinking diamond equals love.
120
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:06,425
Guess what, sluts.
121
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:10,429
Your quest for the perfect princess cut
supports terrorism and genocide.
122
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:14,891
Congratulations, your avarice
has managed to destroy an entire continent.
123
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,021
Sarah kept the ring?
124
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,983
I hope you die in a fire.
125
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,902
You act like you're the first person
to ever get cheated on.
126
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:28,029
It happens to everybody, even me.
127
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:33,702
Oh, yeah? Does everyone walk in
on their fiancée sucking off a rapper?
128
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,704
Honey, your throat feeling any...?
129
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,038
How they do.
Ah!
130
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,708
Yeah, buddy.
Grillionaire in the house.
131
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,295
Hey, who knew blowjobs were good
for sore throats, right?
132
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:48,175
The most rewarding part
of our friendship...
133
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:51,428
...is your ability to find amusement
in the destruction of my life.
134
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:53,930
It's not that bad, dude.
135
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,932
You always get stuck in these cycles.
136
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,268
When you get depressed like this...
137
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:01,897
...you need to ask yourself,
"What would Tucker do?"
138
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:04,608
And then you go out and you do that.
139
00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:06,568
I already know what you would do.
140
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:11,198
And I have no desire to get HIV
from one of the cum dumpsters...
141
00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:14,034
...into whom you shoot your
emotional pain every weekend.
142
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,744
HIV is basically curable now.
143
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:18,955
It doesn't even show up
in Magic Johnson's blood anymore.
144
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:25,045
Are you saying that Magic Johnson
is black and has AIDS...
145
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,088
...and has it better than me?
146
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,427
Yeah, I love children.
You know, I wanna...
147
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:35,764
Yeah, when I graduate I wanna work
with them, have a bunch of my own.
148
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,349
Really?
Yeah, what about you?
149
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,975
Are you kidding me? I love kids.
150
00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:42,062
I can't wait to have more.
Shut up, you don't have kids.
151
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,438
Yep. I do.
No, you don't.
152
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:47,817
He does. They're just all in the compost
heap behind Planned Parenthood.
153
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:51,404
If you do stem-cell research,
you can work with them.
154
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,200
All right, this is my boy.
Run along, baby, man talk.
155
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,786
All right.
I got your number, I'll call you.
156
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:58,954
Perhaps.
157
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,914
Who says romance is dead?
158
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,332
How can you hate women...
159
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,918
...yet at the same time
be mad at what Tucker does?
160
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,754
It makes no sense.
I am like a feminist.
161
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:11,132
I can assert
multiple contradictory positions.
162
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,802
Do me a favor. Can you not
talk to my server like that?
163
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,012
It's disrespectful, okay?
164
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:19,558
Excuse me?
Yeah, I think you heard me.
165
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:23,311
Oh, I heard you, hero. You don't
want me flirting with your server.
166
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:26,565
I didn't know she belonged to you.
It's a figure of speech.
167
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:29,985
Mind your own fucking business.
168
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,196
I'm sorry I've accomplished more
with Leslie in 30 minutes...
169
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:36,658
...than you have in two years,
but she looked happy talking to me.
170
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,160
Or maybe she rubs her crotch
against all customers.
171
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,329
Probably.
It's time for you to leave.
172
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:45,000
It's time for you to get us another drink.
Yeah, I don't think so, man.
173
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:48,628
Could you just go ahead
and put this on my tab, please? Thank you.
174
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,714
Can you get me
another beer for...?
175
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:53,800
Actually, another two beers for table six.
- Last one.
176
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,344
All right. Three beers
for table six. Thanks.
177
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:58,346
What the eff, Leslie?
178
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,099
Okay, come on, fuck stick. Let's do this.
179
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,310
You're gonna fuck this girl, pal.
180
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,023
You think you're tough?
181
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:09,316
No.
182
00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:10,817
Just tougher than you.
183
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:13,778
Tell your friend
I know Brazilian jiujutsu.
184
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,322
He wants to make out.
185
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,704
Why is he twitching?
186
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,665
Listen, we need to discuss
a change of venue for your party.
187
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:26,875
This should be good.
188
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,794
No, seriously, the strip club
we're supposed to go to sucks.
189
00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:31,212
It's dirty and decrepit...
190
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,633
...and the girls have personalities
like the worst parts of the Bible.
191
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,886
Personalities? Are you saying
we have to talk to them?
192
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,555
Some of us actually enjoy
the company of women, Drew.
193
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:44,643
Oh, yeah, I'm the misogynist here. Okay.
194
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:48,313
Wouldn't be an issue if Richmond hadn't
passed the no-touching-strippers ordinance.
195
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,691
Wait a second. You wanna touch
them now? You said they're disgusting.
196
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,194
Well, what do you wanna do, Dan?
Play checkers?
197
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,196
This is a fucking bachelor party.
198
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,822
What did you have
in mind?
199
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,658
All right. Thank you very much.
200
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:03,912
A short three-and-a-half hour drive away
is a strip club called Avarice.
201
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,331
You know what,
I'm sorry, let me back that up.
202
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,041
This isn't just some strip club.
203
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,168
This is the Super Bowl
of carnal pleasures.
204
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,087
We've been
to strip clubs before.
205
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:15,090
Not like this one, dude.
First time I got a lap dance there...
206
00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,926
...the stripper grabs my hands
and puts them on her tits.
207
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:21,262
Second dance, she turns around
and dry humps me the entire time.
208
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,516
She was gorgeous and she wasn't close
to being the best one there.
209
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,769
I used to think there was a line
between a gentlemen's club and a brothel.
210
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,939
Now you're telling me it's all just gray.
Wait a second.
211
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:34,609
You can full on grab their tits
and they don't even care?
212
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,445
They encourage it.
Bet they had good childhoods.
213
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:43,827
The very best part,
$10 dances all night long.
214
00:11:43,994 --> 00:11:49,749
I would rather fellate a hot curling iron
than drive 250 miles...
215
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:52,544
...because Tucker breastfed till he was 9.
216
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,963
Look, sounds great,
but I can't leave, all right?
217
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,298
I got all kinds of meetings
and stuff tomorrow.
218
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,800
What kind of meetings?
219
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:02,971
You know, important stuff,
like the seating chart and whatnot.
220
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,014
A seating chart?
Ha, ha, ha.
221
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:08,977
I'm pretty sure
Kristy can cut that Gordian knot.
222
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,521
Look, the wedding is next weekend,
all right?
223
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,899
I'm not gonna leave Kristy hanging
because of some no-touch policy.
224
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,735
That's your issue, Tucker,
not mine.
225
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,528
We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
226
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,363
If we stay in Richmond...
227
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:23,658
...we're not gonna have the experience
we need to make up...
228
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:28,371
...for that abomination of an engagement
party you had with Kristy's family.
229
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:34,085
So the tension builds.
G, 61.
230
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,545
Any bingos?
231
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,422
G, 61.
232
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,133
Genesis chapter six, verse one.
233
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,094
Yeah, that was pretty bad.
- This is it.
234
00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:51,269
This is our last fucking gasp together
as single men.
235
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,563
I guess.
236
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,440
Dude, you're my boys.
237
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,818
I'm just gonna be honest with you,
if you keep acting like a bitch...
238
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,237
...somebody's gonna fuck
that pussy in your face.
239
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,032
He's right.
Someone will do that.
240
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,283
What about Drew?
241
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,076
Oh, don't drag me into this.
242
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:09,537
There is a Next Generation
marathon this weekend.
243
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:12,040
I'm more than happy
just lusting after Deanna Troi.
244
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:15,001
He hasn't been out of his nerd hole
for two weeks.
245
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,879
Drew needs this.
You do need this.
246
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,798
I need this
like I need hepatitis C.
247
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:23,426
You need this.
248
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,845
He needs this. I need it.
249
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:27,430
We all need it.
250
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,557
Because it's our destiny as men.
251
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:33,436
There is no way
I'm not gonna regret this.
252
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,522
But fuck it. Let's go.
253
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:37,023
Done. Fuck it.
254
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:41,569
Whatever.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
255
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,530
Why not?
256
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:48,117
Bro, make sure to tell Leslie
that I'm an asshole...
257
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,912
...and she should stay away,
it'll only help me.
258
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,413
Hey, see you.
Hey.
259
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:54,332
That's for you.
260
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:57,418
I already fingered her.
261
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:08,847
Remember, you're the reason we're going
on this trip and you fucking earned it.
262
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,808
So put your goddamn game face on.
263
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:17,313
Let's do this.
All right.
264
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:23,111
He's gonna fail worse
than a Friends spinoff.
265
00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,908
Hey, babe.
Hey.
266
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:30,326
What are you working on?
267
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:31,870
The seating chart.
268
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,246
Oh, yeah?
269
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,540
Wow, looks like you're almost done.
270
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,292
Not really.
271
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:39,043
Hey, guess who just called.
Who?
272
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:40,336
My mom.
273
00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:42,630
What? Another dinosaur fossil
test her faith?
274
00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:47,302
She's coming into town early
to help out. Isn't that nice of her?
275
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:50,179
How early?
Tonight.
276
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,807
Ugh. Tonight?
277
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:56,436
You know she's only coming in early
so she can take control of everything.
278
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,147
No, she's not.
Quit being so dramatic.
279
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:03,568
If she has it her way, the reception's
gonna be a potluck in a barn.
280
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,738
She's pious and conservative, Dan,
not Pennsylvania Dutch.
281
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,908
Probably gonna churn our own
butter for the dinner rolls.
282
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:13,578
My parents are paying for this entire
wedding. She's entitled to some input.
283
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,079
Come on, babe.
284
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:18,458
I just don't want her
to suck all of the fun out of the wedding.
285
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:19,751
It's my day too.
286
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,169
All right, Groomzilla.
287
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,462
Oh, whoa.
288
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:26,341
Don't Groomzilla me. Those squirrel hunters
wouldn't know a good time if it...
289
00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:28,927
...landed on the front lawn
of their megachurch.
290
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,348
What's taking him so long?
291
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:36,768
He's talking to a woman.
Anything is possible.
292
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:39,687
What are you doing?
293
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:40,897
Packing.
294
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,106
For what?
295
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:45,610
I'm going to Salem with Tucker
and Drew for my bachelor party.
296
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,987
I thought you were staying.
Change of plans.
297
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:50,615
Tucker knows about a great
strip club down there.
298
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,034
Oh, good for Tucker.
I hope he has a great time.
299
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:56,579
Babe, come on. You know
I can't let him go off by himself.
300
00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:00,249
Somebody needs go have his back.
Oh, and who's got your back?
301
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:01,960
Drew? Heh.
302
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:04,504
Tucker's got my back.
303
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:07,090
Tucker? Tucker says he's got your back.
304
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:10,051
Except you're the one who
always ends up bailing him out.
305
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,054
I wish you took care of me
as well as you take care of Tucker.
306
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:18,309
Well, that is a load of crap. I always look
out for you. You're my number-one priority.
307
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:23,606
Really? Really?
When have I taken precedence?
308
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,441
When have you chosen me over Tucker?
309
00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,694
Give me an example. Just one.
310
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:30,071
I'm marrying you, aren't I?
311
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:32,490
Should I go help?
312
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,034
There is a zero-percent chance...
313
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:39,122
...that injecting you into the situation
is gonna make it any better.
314
00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:42,333
I'm going in.
315
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,382
Bring me a Red Bull.
316
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,217
Babe, why can't we just compromise?
317
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,468
Compromise?
318
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:54,554
You kidding?
That's all I've been doing.
319
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:58,099
Your father didn't want a party
with strippers and booze, I said fine.
320
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:01,894
We'll have an engagement party at church.
I wanted a bouncy castle at the reception.
321
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:05,231
"Bouncy castles
are childish and dangerous. Grow up."
322
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:09,027
You know, I said fine
because I didn't wanna argue with your mom.
323
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,029
It's just a stupid bouncy castle.
324
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:14,073
The only thing I've been able
to hold onto is the open bar...
325
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,659
...and now she's gonna fly in here
and take that too.
326
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,703
You're not gonna do a thing
to stop her.
327
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:23,124
You know, if all this is so important to you,
then quit complaining and take a stand.
328
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:26,586
Oh, you want me
to take a stand? Fine.
329
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,963
I'm going to Salem
and I don't care what you...
330
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,632
...or the Wicked Witch of West Texas
thinks about it.
331
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,301
What's up, guys? You ready?
332
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:36,179
Hey, what's this I hear you're
taking Dan out of town?
333
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,514
Richmond passed
this stupid no-touch policy.
334
00:17:38,682 --> 00:17:41,309
Since the ladies can't seem
to keep their hands off me...
335
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,603
...it'd be irresponsible
to go to clubs here.
336
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,147
How thoughtful of you.
You don't mind, do you?
337
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,652
I'm not stepping on any toes, am I?
338
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,280
We have all the final wedding
appointments tomorrow.
339
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,823
Oh, no.
340
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,158
Dan.
341
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,827
You didn't say anything.
Why didn't you tell me, man?
342
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:03,372
That's not cool. It's your wedding, man.
343
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:07,168
Listen, we'll just go out in town.
We can do Salem after your honeymoon.
344
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,421
Sound good, huh?
Kristy, that way you can come too.
345
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,801
All right, that's cool.
All right.
346
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:16,469
He won't need this anymore.
347
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,347
I'll have him back
before you even wake up.
348
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,350
Kristy, you look hot as always.
349
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,019
You are so full of shit.
350
00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:31,943
Salem, here we come, man.
351
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,319
Yeah.
What?
352
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,404
Oh, come on.
353
00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:38,366
Do you think it's possible
to keep me from something I want?
354
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,034
The more important question is...
355
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:43,704
...are you ready to get shitfaced
and grab some titties?
356
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:45,289
That's not a Red Bull.
357
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,125
Yeah!
358
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,304
Ride so far with me
359
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:01,722
Let's go, go
360
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:04,725
Playing on my radio
Tonight
361
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,394
Moon's out and wide
It's gonna
362
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:09,021
Ride, ride, ride
Till the whisky runs low
363
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:12,441
Hey, hey, come on
We on a mission
364
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:17,155
Here's what I don't get.
Why did you have to lie to her?
365
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,781
It's not like I wasn't gonna go.
366
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,368
Oh, please. When I walked in,
you had so much surrender in your eyes...
367
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,745
...I thought your apartment
was Vichy France.
368
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,249
We need to stop for food.
My blood sugar is getting low.
369
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,418
I just hate lying to Kristy, man.
370
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,753
You didn't lie to her, I did.
371
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,088
That is bullshit.
372
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:36,757
But somehow I'm going with it.
373
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:39,719
If I don't get a pancakewich,
I'm calling the authorities...
374
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,597
...and have you arrested
for kidnapping and conspiracy.
375
00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:45,558
I don't know how you eat
pancakewiches. They look disgusting.
376
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,437
I can only assume
from your cavalier attitude...
377
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:53,941
...that you have yet to partake
in the wonderment that is the pancakewich.
378
00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,234
Let me enlighten you.
379
00:19:56,111 --> 00:20:01,449
What happens is the one true god
grows pancakewiches on trees...
380
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:05,244
...in the Elysian Fields
using a mystical incantation.
381
00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:09,123
He then proceeds to magic them down
to your local eatery...
382
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:13,920
...where whatever societal reject
Griddleworld has rescued off the dole...
383
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:17,131
...gently wraps them in cellophane
and passes them along to you...
384
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,300
...the fortunate consumer.
385
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,928
You proceed to ingest this finery...
386
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:24,639
...in the vain hope
that your overmatched taste buds...
387
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:30,144
...can somehow comprehend the delectable
intricacies that face them.
388
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,397
Is that egg? Why, yes. Yes, it is.
389
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:35,149
And bacon too.
390
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:36,859
But wait, did they...?
391
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:40,029
They didn't. Yes, they did,
they did indeed.
392
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,198
They added cheese.
393
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:45,117
And then, then, my friend...
394
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:50,081
...they wrapped it
in a sumptuous pancake bun.
395
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:56,462
As your taste buds try to process
that amazing piece of information...
396
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,506
...it hits them.
397
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:00,675
The syrup nugget.
398
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,387
The motherfucking syrup nugget.
399
00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:08,140
It announces itself
with a burst of confectionery grandiosity...
400
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:12,895
...the likes of which your palate
has never seen.
401
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:17,400
So you like them?
402
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:21,070
Allow me to rephrase.
403
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,531
If you ever speak ill
of the pancakewich again...
404
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:27,159
...I will personally come to your home
and force-feed you one...
405
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:30,871
...while I fuck you in the ass
with the wrapper as a condom...
406
00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:35,710
...and then donkey punch you
when the infused syrup nugget explodes.
407
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:40,548
We got a motherfucking Griddleworld
coming up at the next exit.
408
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:41,716
Thank God.
409
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,227
Some people like
To make all the rules
410
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:56,564
And tell others what to do
411
00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:01,569
They make it their way
So they always win
412
00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:04,905
And make others always lose
413
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:10,077
Street gangs and madmen
414
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:11,871
Oh, come on. Who farted?
415
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:14,749
I don't smell anything.
Oh, my God.
416
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:16,959
Oh, what is wrong with you?
417
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:19,962
It smells like you got buttfucked
by a garbage truck.
418
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:22,715
Hey, Griddleworld was your idea, man.
419
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:24,925
Do not disparage the pancakewich.
420
00:22:25,093 --> 00:22:27,887
Could you just unlock
the fucking window, Tucker?
421
00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:29,930
You get a bit back there?
Fuck yourself.
422
00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:32,683
Where are my law books?
423
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:34,769
This must count as a felony battery.
Ha, ha, ha.
424
00:22:34,936 --> 00:22:37,104
- Dude.
- All right, fuck.
425
00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:39,148
You guys have such weak constitutions.
426
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:41,859
I bet those girls
wouldn't complain as much as you two.
427
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:44,111
I can taste that.
They wouldn't. They're hookers.
428
00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:45,780
They subject themselves
to anything...
429
00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:48,449
...for the right price.
Not every woman is a whore.
430
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:51,077
Tucker, where are we going?
Where's the strip club?
431
00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:53,871
It's not even 7:00 yet.
The club doesn't open till 10.
432
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:57,583
Let's get some drinks first. Pre-game.
Oh, wonderful.
433
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:59,960
Now I can hate
all these people from up close...
434
00:23:00,128 --> 00:23:03,589
...instead of baselessly judging them
from this metal fart coffin.
435
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:07,510
Last time I was here there was more pussy
than you could shake a stick at.
436
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:10,971
Unbelievable hot chicks,
wall to wall.
437
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:15,810
All right, dude.
438
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:18,604
Can't you see...
439
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:22,441
Oh, yeah, this place is crawling
with trim. Shame I'm taken.
440
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:24,652
Let's see some IDs, guys.
441
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:28,656
Looks like Lane Bryant and Jenny Craig
had a knife fight in here.
442
00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:30,699
Ten dollar cover tonight.
443
00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:33,828
You know what a soft-off is?
444
00:23:33,995 --> 00:23:35,037
No, what is it?
445
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:37,123
It's the opposite of a hard-on.
446
00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:39,125
And that's what I have.
447
00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:40,960
I will pay you $10...
448
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:44,755
...only if you can erase this
visual atrocity from my memory.
449
00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:47,800
Go down to Whiskey Bar.
That's where everybody's at tonight.
450
00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:50,094
And by everybody,
you mean all the dudes?
451
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:52,555
I wish, man, I wish.
No, I gotta stay here.
452
00:23:53,014 --> 00:23:54,515
Let's give it a shot.
Come on.
453
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,559
It can't be worse than this.
454
00:24:03,024 --> 00:24:06,193
All right, now this is what I call
a target-rich environment.
455
00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:07,653
I agree.
456
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:10,656
I wanna shoot
every one of these bitches.
457
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:12,283
Not her.
Nice.
458
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,826
Her too.
All right, fellas.
459
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:16,245
A little over two hours
until Avarice opens up.
460
00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:18,539
Let's see if we can't get
girls to go with us.
461
00:24:18,707 --> 00:24:19,874
Wait, wait, wait.
462
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:25,713
You wanna pick up sluts
to bring them to go see whores?
463
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,590
If things go well.
464
00:24:27,757 --> 00:24:30,968
Oh, look, a menagerie of sluts.
Who would have guessed?
465
00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:34,805
What are those drinks? Not the ones
with the penises in it. The other ones.
466
00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:36,515
It's called a Flaming Dr. Pepper.
467
00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:39,935
Looks amazing. Throw three more on there.
We're not paying for those.
468
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:43,189
Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
It's okay, we got this round.
469
00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:46,275
My name isn't sweetheart,
it's Mary.
470
00:24:46,443 --> 00:24:48,944
Okay, good to know. Thank you.
471
00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:51,572
Drew, not all girls are sluts.
472
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:54,533
Just most of them.
- I hope this sets off the sprinklers.
473
00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:56,452
Oh, nice.
Shit.
474
00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:01,582
Oh!
475
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,000
I've seen better.
476
00:25:08,131 --> 00:25:09,173
That tastes like ass.
477
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:11,383
Holy shit. It tastes like
a Dr. Pepper.
478
00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:13,302
Hence the name.
479
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:15,346
Thank you. Again.
Eight more of them.
480
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,056
That will be another $120.
481
00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:20,434
Shit. Just get us eight vodka shots.
You guys aren't worth that much.
482
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:22,811
Oh, our company is priceless.
483
00:25:22,979 --> 00:25:26,524
If it lacks a price,
it is probably worthless.
484
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:29,652
Any particular kind of vodka?
Well, please.
485
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,196
Thank you for asking. Down there.
486
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:39,119
If this is a real bachelorette party,
who's the designated slut?
487
00:25:39,287 --> 00:25:41,580
Don't call us sluts.
You didn't even know us.
488
00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:42,957
No one here is a slut.
489
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:44,166
Oh, come on, come on.
490
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:47,795
The slut at a bachelor party
is kind of like the sucker at a poker table.
491
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:50,130
If you can't pick them out,
it's probably you.
492
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:54,343
Here we are ladies, one for each
of you. Palm greaser for you.
493
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:56,762
Panty dropper for you.
Not cool, you know.
494
00:25:56,930 --> 00:26:00,182
Making fun of girls to impress
your friends is so immature.
495
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:01,392
You're such a jerk.
496
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,435
Your friends are laughing
more than mine.
497
00:26:03,603 --> 00:26:06,146
I'm not laughing at all.
- Why are you guys laughing?
498
00:26:06,314 --> 00:26:08,691
Don't laugh. It's not funny.
499
00:26:09,442 --> 00:26:12,861
I think a toast is in order for my buddy Dan,
who's also getting married.
500
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:17,491
And the bachelorette
and all her beautiful friends...
501
00:26:17,659 --> 00:26:19,410
...even the bitchy prude.
502
00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:24,039
Here is to the people we've met.
503
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:25,833
And to the people we've fucked.
504
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:28,419
And to those of us
who have had no such luck.
505
00:26:29,296 --> 00:26:34,216
Here's to beer in the glass
and vodka in the cup.
506
00:26:34,384 --> 00:26:38,762
Here's to poking her in the ass
so she won't get knocked up.
507
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:42,141
Here's to all of you, and here's to me...
508
00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:44,893
...together as friends we will always be.
509
00:26:45,061 --> 00:26:46,729
But if we should ever disagree...
510
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:48,897
...then fuck all of you, here's to me.
511
00:26:50,191 --> 00:26:52,860
- Cheers.
- All right.
512
00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:56,780
All right, but for real,
which one's the naughty one?
513
00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:59,533
See now, the world goes round in circles
514
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:03,037
It never would stop
For nobody but me
515
00:27:03,204 --> 00:27:06,498
Open my eyes, let me out
New Saturday morning
516
00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:10,419
All right.
What's your porn name?
517
00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:11,837
Scott Peterson.
518
00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:14,131
No, no, not your real name.
519
00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:17,426
Your porn name is your pet's name
and the street you grew up on.
520
00:27:17,594 --> 00:27:19,595
I wasn't allowed to have pets.
521
00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:23,140
Okay, we'll do another way, then.
What's your middle name?
522
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:27,770
I don't have one, unless I missed it
between "shut" and "up" as a kid.
523
00:27:27,937 --> 00:27:30,564
Oh, come on. Play along, it's fun.
524
00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:35,486
If you touch me again. I will gut
you and grind you into pig slop.
525
00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:39,907
What...? Why?
526
00:27:40,075 --> 00:27:43,619
You're the only guy I know
that actually cock blocks himself.
527
00:27:43,787 --> 00:27:47,915
Come on, man.
This night is about you and Dan.
528
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:49,583
Remember what we talked about?
529
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:51,502
Instead of being a fucking killjoy...
530
00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:54,088
...you stop and ask yourself,
"What would Tucker do?"
531
00:27:54,255 --> 00:27:55,464
And then you go do that.
532
00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:57,966
Well, unfortunately,
we can't both go after...
533
00:27:58,134 --> 00:28:00,260
...the girl with
the lowest self-esteem.
534
00:28:00,428 --> 00:28:04,264
Now, can we?
We can try.
535
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:06,433
Speak of the devil.
536
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:10,104
What's up? You finally ready to hook up
or we need more shots first?
537
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:11,730
She's the bride.
538
00:28:11,898 --> 00:28:15,567
You talk a big game, Mr. Man.
539
00:28:15,735 --> 00:28:18,696
But you don't look like
much of a drinker to me.
540
00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:20,781
Oh, really?
Are you talking to me?
541
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:23,951
You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.
542
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:25,786
Let's do shots, then.
543
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,664
Oh!
Isn't she precious?
544
00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:30,457
We'll do teams. It'll be fun.
545
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,334
- "It will be fun."
- Okay, fine.
546
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:34,044
"We will do teams."
Let's do it.
547
00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:36,463
Bachelor and hottest guy, me, duh...
548
00:28:36,631 --> 00:28:38,966
...versus bachelorette
and your hottest friend.
549
00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:40,968
I think your friend's hotter.
- Yeah?
550
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:43,721
Talk to him for five minutes
and tell me what you think.
551
00:28:43,888 --> 00:28:46,974
Let's get down to business.
Line them up. And no girly shit either.
552
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:49,476
If it has sugar in it,
it's not a real shot.
553
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:54,189
What's the business?
Talk paper when I'm riding by
554
00:28:54,357 --> 00:28:57,776
Ain't no much drizzle
Be the truth of the east side
555
00:28:58,278 --> 00:29:02,030
So what's up with Mary,
Queen of Twats over there?
556
00:29:02,198 --> 00:29:04,575
You know how it is.
- Yeah.
557
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,910
It'd suck to be such
an angry bitch.
558
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:09,079
She can be lots of fun
when she wants to be.
559
00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:10,581
When is that?
When she's luring...
560
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:12,708
...small children into
her gingerbread house?
561
00:29:12,876 --> 00:29:14,668
No. She isn't that bad.
562
00:29:14,836 --> 00:29:17,171
Women are the worst
at judging their friends.
563
00:29:17,338 --> 00:29:19,423
She's really sweet.
Bums wouldn't fuck her.
564
00:29:19,591 --> 00:29:21,300
I don't know about bums.
565
00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:23,135
Maybe titty fuck her.
566
00:29:34,314 --> 00:29:37,399
For the record, I just wanted
to disagree with my friend Tucker...
567
00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:38,984
Oh, baby.
568
00:29:39,152 --> 00:29:41,153
Grillionaire. Ha, ha, ha.
569
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:46,283
I got ice, whips, ho's, money
Got ice, whips, ho's, money
570
00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:48,035
You like this guy?
571
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:52,164
I love him. He is hot.
Mm, mm, mm.
572
00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,542
How they do, baby
Grillionaire in the house
573
00:29:55,710 --> 00:29:59,046
How they do, baby
Grillionaire in the house
574
00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:00,506
Yeah, buddy
575
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:07,221
Get away from me, or I'm gonna carve
another fuck hole in your torso.
576
00:30:21,027 --> 00:30:24,196
Sorry, man.
Want me to ask them to turn it off?
577
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:25,656
Yes.
578
00:30:26,241 --> 00:30:29,076
You gotta admit, though, man,
it is kind of catchy.
579
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:30,536
It's a good fucking hook.
580
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:33,288
Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho's, ho's, money
581
00:30:33,456 --> 00:30:36,041
Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho's, ho's, money
582
00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:37,292
Got it?
Ice, ice, whips...
583
00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:40,921
All right, all right, all right.
We'll stop. Okay, just...
584
00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:42,923
Where the ho's at?
585
00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:47,594
This is for all you
bitches, ho's, and pricks.
586
00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:51,932
We wouldn't talk to any of you
if we didn't have dicks. Tucker Max.
587
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:53,392
Who's Tucker Max?
588
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,352
A rapist.
589
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:56,770
I can't. I'm done.
590
00:30:56,938 --> 00:30:58,272
What?
591
00:30:58,439 --> 00:30:59,731
Six shots.
592
00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:01,441
That's it? Six shots?
593
00:31:01,609 --> 00:31:04,695
Oh, you may be able to vote and drive,
but you will never be equal.
594
00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:07,197
It's embarrassing.
Why are you talking to him?
595
00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:10,742
He's just messing around.
Come on, he's cute.
596
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:12,953
Cute, like full-blown AIDS.
597
00:31:13,121 --> 00:31:16,957
No, he's not. Everything he says
is disgusting and misogynist.
598
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:20,294
Uh... No, it isn't.
599
00:31:20,461 --> 00:31:22,880
If I said women
belong chained to a stove...
600
00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:25,090
...with enough slack
to reach the bedroom...
601
00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:26,592
...because those are the places...
602
00:31:26,759 --> 00:31:28,844
...that your rib-stealing gender's
worth a damn...
603
00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:31,597
...that would be misogynist.
Would be true.
604
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,932
Excuse me?
605
00:31:34,100 --> 00:31:37,769
What I said was sexist
and a fucking joke.
606
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:40,731
Not that your pageant-girl ass
would know the difference.
607
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:41,940
Hey.
That's much.
608
00:31:42,108 --> 00:31:43,734
What?
Fine. You know what?
609
00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:45,777
You're sexist and misogynist.
610
00:31:45,945 --> 00:31:47,279
Good for you.
611
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:50,657
Tucker, you misogynist
Neanderthal.
612
00:31:50,825 --> 00:31:54,536
Why dost thou hate women so?
613
00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:57,706
That's the thing.
I don't hate women. I love women.
614
00:31:57,874 --> 00:31:59,875
Why else would I put up
with all their shit?
615
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,668
Now you're being
kind of mean.
616
00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:03,545
Yeah, you know what?
617
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:05,005
You're an ass.
618
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:09,176
I just don't like her as a person...
619
00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:11,303
...because she's
a negative fucking bitch.
620
00:32:11,471 --> 00:32:14,014
That has nothing to do
with whether or not she has tits.
621
00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:16,600
Hey.
Tucker.
622
00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:18,852
That's not good game.
623
00:32:20,355 --> 00:32:22,064
You're really mean.
Yeah.
624
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:25,692
Yeah. You know what?
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
625
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,695
Yeah.
It was going so good.
626
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:31,448
We actually made friends.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
627
00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,158
Asshole.
628
00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:35,535
Wait, wait, wait.
Guys, come on, sorry.
629
00:32:35,703 --> 00:32:37,454
Listen,
I just want to apologize.
630
00:32:37,997 --> 00:32:40,040
You'll have to forgive my friend, all right?
631
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,584
He's got mommy issues.
What do you mean?
632
00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:45,337
Mommy was the life of the party.
633
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,048
Mommy, where do babies come from?
634
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:51,927
Go ask your deadbeat father
and his fancy new wife.
635
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:53,720
He really is a good guy, honest.
636
00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:56,348
He's just sometimes
a little quick on the trigger.
637
00:32:57,433 --> 00:32:59,351
Why don't you just come to
the strip club?
638
00:32:59,519 --> 00:33:01,853
Drinks will be on the asshole.
Yeah, come on.
639
00:33:02,021 --> 00:33:04,398
That sounds like a plan.
640
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,191
What strip club you guys going to?
641
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:08,443
It's called Avarice.
I've never heard of it.
642
00:33:08,611 --> 00:33:11,113
That's because they don't
let prudish bitches in.
643
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:12,781
Tucker.
644
00:33:12,949 --> 00:33:14,950
She's not a bitch.
645
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:16,994
She's a snatch napkin.
646
00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:20,914
It was nice to meet you.
647
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:22,708
Oh, my God.
648
00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:25,419
Call Information.
Find out where this club is.
649
00:33:25,586 --> 00:33:27,421
What? I thought you knew
where it was.
650
00:33:27,588 --> 00:33:29,673
No, dude.
I was fucking half drunk.
651
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:32,426
I don't know precisely where it is.
You said you knew.
652
00:33:32,593 --> 00:33:33,593
I said that?
Yeah.
653
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:37,139
I can't be held accountable for the
things that come out of my mouth.
654
00:33:40,309 --> 00:33:44,771
I'd just like to remind everyone that
we're going down a strange, dark alley...
655
00:33:44,939 --> 00:33:47,983
...on the advice of a drunken hobo.
656
00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:50,193
So?
657
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:52,696
Yeah, I don't really see
a problem, either.
658
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:54,531
All right. This has gotta be it.
659
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:56,908
This spot. It must be.
660
00:33:58,244 --> 00:34:01,163
What's up, man? How's it going?
You having a good night?
661
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:03,915
Cool.
662
00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:06,585
All right
663
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:17,220
Break me down
You got a lovely face
664
00:34:17,388 --> 00:34:19,389
We're going to your place
665
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:22,976
But now you got to
Freak me out
666
00:34:23,144 --> 00:34:26,646
Scream so loud
Get fucking laid
667
00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,691
You want me to stay
668
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:32,527
But I got to make my way
669
00:34:33,029 --> 00:34:34,905
Hey
You're a crazy bitch
670
00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:37,491
But you fuck so good
I'm on top of it
671
00:34:37,658 --> 00:34:40,202
When I dream
I'm doing you all night
672
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:41,578
Scratches all down my back
673
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:43,121
Oh, that's a hundred.
674
00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:46,083
Oh, man.
675
00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:49,503
I'm going with you.
676
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,547
Hey.
How are you doing?
677
00:34:52,715 --> 00:34:54,007
- You're a maniac.
- Let's sit.
678
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:56,510
Great.
- I'm better now that you came...
679
00:34:56,677 --> 00:35:00,305
Unless your breasts expel vodka
and tonic, you can feel free to leave.
680
00:35:00,473 --> 00:35:04,267
Oh, don't worry, baby,
the drinks will be here any minute.
681
00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:07,979
Well, in the meantime,
I am obligated to inform you...
682
00:35:08,147 --> 00:35:12,901
...pursuant to Megan's Law,
that I am a convicted sex offender.
683
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:14,319
So how old are you?
684
00:35:15,822 --> 00:35:18,657
Okay, fine. Rape's not funny,
but murder can be.
685
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:20,784
Murder's not funny either.
686
00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:23,495
Maybe not to you,
but if the murderer was a clown...
687
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:26,206
...that would be funny to me.
688
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:27,415
How is that funny?
689
00:35:27,583 --> 00:35:33,380
Because he is happy on the outside
but sad on the inside.
690
00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:35,090
What?
691
00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:37,676
Sad clown wanna kill somebody?
692
00:35:41,305 --> 00:35:43,223
Tear.
Get away from me. Don't touch me.
693
00:35:43,391 --> 00:35:45,016
Wait. Here. Here.
694
00:35:45,184 --> 00:35:49,146
What's wrong with him?
- Oh, he had a bad breakup.
695
00:35:49,313 --> 00:35:50,522
You have a friend for him?
696
00:35:50,690 --> 00:35:52,566
My friends would never
put up with that.
697
00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:55,569
Okay, I'm gonna call
a quick timeout here...
698
00:35:55,736 --> 00:35:57,821
...while the lesser comedians
of the group...
699
00:35:57,989 --> 00:36:00,532
...have a chance to make
their own stripper abuse joke.
700
00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:02,200
What is your prob...?
Chh!
701
00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:03,910
I would rather mainline Drano...
702
00:36:04,078 --> 00:36:06,580
...than listen to another second
of your whore prattle.
703
00:36:06,747 --> 00:36:10,584
Less talkie. More booby. Now.
You know what, I don't need this.
704
00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:13,378
Said the fat girl to the cupcake.
705
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:14,629
I'm sorry.
- Bye, whore.
706
00:36:14,797 --> 00:36:16,339
Candy, I'll miss you.
707
00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:19,593
Bambi, I thought we had something.
Three down, only 97 more to go.
708
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:20,760
Good job, dumb-ass.
709
00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:35,901
And now coming to the auxiliary stage...
710
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:39,279
...she has Russian hands
and Roman fingers.
711
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:41,990
Give it up for Natasha.
712
00:36:42,158 --> 00:36:44,868
- For the heart
713
00:36:45,036 --> 00:36:48,580
Dull headache
714
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:53,543
This is just the start
Of a mad pursuit
715
00:36:53,711 --> 00:37:01,635
Chasing down the telephone wire
716
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:09,226
Racing down the road
You can't lose her
717
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:12,687
You'll try to skip town
She'll find you
718
00:37:12,855 --> 00:37:16,149
Are you guys drinking water?
We don't allow Mormons in here.
719
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:18,360
Yes, but we're also drinking
Thug Passion.
720
00:37:18,527 --> 00:37:22,822
It's what your mom put in your bottle so
she could watch Young and the Restless.
721
00:37:22,990 --> 00:37:26,076
My mom used bourbon.
All the sugar in cognac made me hyper.
722
00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:28,828
And judging by the distance
between your eyes...
723
00:37:28,996 --> 00:37:32,040
...I'd say your mom drank it all
while you were still in the womb.
724
00:37:33,918 --> 00:37:35,502
Did she just make
a fetal alcohol joke?
725
00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:37,629
- Whoa!
- Wait, wait, wait.
726
00:37:38,547 --> 00:37:40,423
When you're done changing
or whatever...
727
00:37:40,591 --> 00:37:43,051
...come back over here
and keep talking shit to him.
728
00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:44,511
- Please.
- Thank you.
729
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:49,474
Oh, God.
Which one do you want?
730
00:37:49,642 --> 00:37:52,560
I'll take the...
I'll take the one in the pink.
731
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:55,689
And now coming to
the main stage, she's magic on the bowl.
732
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:56,940
She's Whoredini.
733
00:37:57,108 --> 00:38:01,778
If we get a champagne room,
we can do anything we want.
734
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:04,155
If we get a hotel room,
we can do anything too.
735
00:38:04,323 --> 00:38:07,325
True.
But then I don't get paid.
736
00:38:07,493 --> 00:38:09,119
I'll give you $20.
737
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,162
It's more like 400, baby.
738
00:38:11,330 --> 00:38:13,373
Four hundred?
Oh, yeah.
739
00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:18,878
But you're cute and funny.
I'll do it for 350.
740
00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:22,048
Twenty-five.
Three hundred and twenty-five?
741
00:38:22,216 --> 00:38:23,341
No, just 25.
742
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:27,804
I have to pay the club $100
just to get the room for an hour.
743
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:30,432
That's okay. My attention span
won't last for an hour.
744
00:38:32,893 --> 00:38:34,728
- Asshole.
- I'll give you $30.
745
00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:37,939
That won't even buy our drinks.
Oh, shit.
746
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:39,649
That's what you get.
747
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:42,736
Hold on. If I'm so cute and funny,
why are you even charging me?
748
00:38:42,903 --> 00:38:44,696
That's no way to start a relationship.
749
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:48,074
Who said I wanted a relationship?
I already have a boyfriend.
750
00:38:48,242 --> 00:38:51,077
I don't want that kind of relationship.
I just wanna fuck you.
751
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:54,122
Just fuck me?
Yeah, I'd make a great fuck buddy.
752
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:58,084
All right, potential fuck buddy,
how big is your dick?
753
00:38:58,252 --> 00:38:59,586
How big is your mouth?
754
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:02,088
She's got eyes as big as her titties.
755
00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:07,344
And, boy, is she a cute little piece of tail.
It's Bambi.
756
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:21,858
If you must know...
757
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:25,612
...my parents yelled at me,
sent me to my room and ignored me.
758
00:39:26,113 --> 00:39:29,699
If I was your mom, I would have
locked you up and ignored you too.
759
00:39:29,867 --> 00:39:34,454
If you were my mom, I would've been raised
by a talentless hooker rather than a shrew.
760
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:35,789
There's a win-win.
761
00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:38,249
You're awfully bitter
for a pasty-faced shut-in.
762
00:39:38,417 --> 00:39:42,003
Always been this mean, or did some girl
just trade you in for a better model?
763
00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:43,505
Holy shit.
764
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:44,881
She's like
a hot Miss Cleo.
765
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:46,883
Yeah, his girlfriend did
just dump him.
766
00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:48,593
For Grillionaire, of all people.
767
00:39:48,761 --> 00:39:50,178
Grillionaire?
768
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:54,349
Like, "how they do, baby"?
Grillionaire with the diamonds
on his teeth?
769
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:56,309
Ha, ha, ha.
- Oh, wow.
770
00:39:56,477 --> 00:40:01,815
She may be a vacuous slut with no taste,
but at least she's not a stripper.
771
00:40:01,982 --> 00:40:03,233
You think you're so clever.
772
00:40:03,651 --> 00:40:06,194
I know a hundred insecure assholes
just like you.
773
00:40:06,362 --> 00:40:09,823
I'm sure all your mother's boyfriends
were great guys.
774
00:40:09,990 --> 00:40:12,158
If I had a dollar
for every broken-home joke...
775
00:40:12,326 --> 00:40:14,786
...I'd have enough to buy
Comic-Con tickets for you...
776
00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:17,831
...and all the other orc-mage failures
on your buddy list.
777
00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:21,459
Whatever, I've gotta go.
778
00:40:21,627 --> 00:40:23,128
Whoa! No, no, no.
779
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:25,130
Stay, please.
Finish him.
780
00:40:25,297 --> 00:40:28,508
No, I've gotta get home soon.
You need to keep talking shit to him.
781
00:40:28,676 --> 00:40:32,470
Yeah, he can't stand it when a woman
that gets the best of him. Stay, please.
782
00:40:32,638 --> 00:40:35,014
That's unfortunate
because he's a good-looking guy.
783
00:40:35,182 --> 00:40:37,475
I've learned my lesson
with guys like your friend.
784
00:40:37,643 --> 00:40:38,685
No, he's different.
785
00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:41,229
I promise you,
there is a flower inside that onion.
786
00:40:41,397 --> 00:40:43,857
You just have to peel back the layers...
Peel away.
787
00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,525
...and fight back the tears.
788
00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:48,736
I'll pay your rate. Just talk shit to him.
Please.
789
00:40:49,780 --> 00:40:51,573
He needs this.
790
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,535
Dance, monkey.
791
00:40:55,703 --> 00:40:57,996
Dance for your dollar.
792
00:40:58,914 --> 00:41:00,290
Could've done without that.
793
00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:02,542
I'll pick it up for you.
You can keep that.
794
00:41:02,710 --> 00:41:04,669
All I have to do is insult him?
No dancing?
795
00:41:04,837 --> 00:41:06,880
That's it.
Great.
796
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,382
I can't believe that worked.
Fuck.
797
00:41:11,302 --> 00:41:12,886
He might have you there.
798
00:41:13,053 --> 00:41:14,679
I'm Lara.
799
00:41:14,847 --> 00:41:15,972
What's your name?
800
00:41:17,016 --> 00:41:19,392
It's Drew, but why don't we
skip the pleasantries...
801
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,103
...and go to the part
where you call me Captain Kirk...
802
00:41:22,271 --> 00:41:24,939
...and give me a hand job
in the alley?
803
00:41:25,232 --> 00:41:27,692
You're a Star Trek nerd?
804
00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:29,569
Color me shocked.
805
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:32,739
Live long and prosper, dork.
806
00:41:32,907 --> 00:41:34,532
Okay, I'm a dork?
807
00:41:34,700 --> 00:41:38,036
You are the one with
a video-game character's name.
808
00:41:38,245 --> 00:41:43,082
Ha, ha, ha. Genius. That game
came out after I was born.
809
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:44,876
I was named after Agustin Lara.
810
00:41:45,044 --> 00:41:46,461
Wait, wait, wait,
who is that?
811
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:49,881
A famous Mexican intellectual.
Ha, ha, ha.
812
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:52,091
That's a funny joke.
813
00:41:52,259 --> 00:41:55,303
No funnier than you catching your
girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.
814
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:59,599
Body blow, body blow,
body blow, left hook.
815
00:42:00,059 --> 00:42:03,228
Whoa. Wait a second, wait a second.
You like "Mike Tyson Punch Out"?
816
00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:04,646
Bullshit, bullshit.
817
00:42:04,813 --> 00:42:06,856
Who was your favorite guy
to fight? Quick.
818
00:42:07,024 --> 00:42:10,151
Soda Popinski, because he was
drinking a 40 in his picture.
819
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:13,655
Oh! Dude,
this is your dream girl.
820
00:42:13,822 --> 00:42:15,281
If you don't make this happen...
821
00:42:15,449 --> 00:42:18,117
...you will be a disgrace
to the entire "Halo" community.
822
00:42:18,285 --> 00:42:22,038
How dare you?
Oh, I will destroy you in "Halo."
823
00:42:22,206 --> 00:42:23,623
Oh, yeah, sure you will.
824
00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:26,918
And you're an exotic dancer,
not a stripper.
825
00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:28,294
You can't handle a girl...
826
00:42:28,462 --> 00:42:30,588
...who's better than you
at some stupid game?
827
00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:32,840
Okay, you can beat me
at "Halo"?
828
00:42:33,008 --> 00:42:36,094
Hey, while we're in
this fantasy land...
829
00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:38,888
...why don't we drive your
flying car over to the bank...
830
00:42:39,056 --> 00:42:41,057
...and get you approved
for a home loan.
831
00:42:41,225 --> 00:42:45,645
I bet $100 she'll beat you in "Halo."
I'm not betting on a video game.
832
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,146
Gambling is illegal.
833
00:42:47,314 --> 00:42:48,940
What?
834
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:53,486
I smell pussy.
835
00:42:53,654 --> 00:42:55,613
Ha, ha, ha.
Then douche before work.
836
00:42:55,781 --> 00:42:56,948
Two hundred dollars.
837
00:42:57,992 --> 00:42:59,325
I'm not... I can't leave...
838
00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:01,619
Dan's bachelor party
is the reason we're here.
839
00:43:01,787 --> 00:43:03,830
No, don't let me keep you here.
840
00:43:03,998 --> 00:43:05,456
Nothing would make me happier...
841
00:43:05,624 --> 00:43:08,001
...than to see her whip
your ass at a video game.
842
00:43:08,502 --> 00:43:13,590
I would consider it if we had a place
to play and I had my special controller.
843
00:43:13,757 --> 00:43:16,926
Well, you're in luck,
because my shift just ended.
844
00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:19,012
We can play at my house,
I have everything.
845
00:43:19,179 --> 00:43:22,098
Except your candy-ass little controller.
846
00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:24,142
Then it's a bet.
No.
847
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:28,146
I'm not going
to some vile stripper den.
848
00:43:28,314 --> 00:43:30,857
You know her baby daddy
is just waiting there for me...
849
00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:35,695
...so he can roll me and steal my organs.
How are you friends with this guy?
850
00:43:35,863 --> 00:43:38,823
I have no idea how you're attracted to him.
I don't know.
851
00:43:38,991 --> 00:43:41,909
Probably has something to do with
my caustic sense of humor...
852
00:43:42,077 --> 00:43:45,830
...and the inability of your various
stepfathers to show you any affection.
853
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:48,583
Probably.
854
00:43:50,127 --> 00:43:52,295
Fellas, I've got a message
from the bar staff.
855
00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:58,343
Tonight's house special is Thug's Passion
and it's two for one.
856
00:43:58,510 --> 00:44:00,470
Hey, honey, what's up?
Hey.
857
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:01,888
You've finally calmed down?
858
00:44:02,056 --> 00:44:04,140
Yeah. You know,
I'm not mad at you anymore.
859
00:44:04,558 --> 00:44:05,975
Gee, thanks.
860
00:44:06,143 --> 00:44:07,894
Are you having fun?
Oh, yeah.
861
00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:09,771
Strip clubs are all the same.
862
00:44:09,938 --> 00:44:11,856
How's Tucker handling
the no-touch rule?
863
00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:14,817
You know, he's coping.
864
00:44:14,985 --> 00:44:18,404
Welcome to the stage,
she's got plenty of fright...
865
00:44:18,572 --> 00:44:19,864
...with none of the height.
866
00:44:20,032 --> 00:44:22,533
She's Salem's very own Rainbow Sprite.
867
00:44:22,701 --> 00:44:24,827
Dan, where are you?
A club.
868
00:44:24,995 --> 00:44:27,163
No, where are you? Geographically.
869
00:44:27,331 --> 00:44:29,082
Um...
870
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:30,541
Close by.
871
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:36,297
I can't believe this.
872
00:44:36,465 --> 00:44:40,093
Young man, I don't think
we're gonna need this anymore.
873
00:44:40,260 --> 00:44:42,887
Put Drew on the phone.
He's leaving with a stripper.
874
00:44:43,055 --> 00:44:45,765
Dan, we both know that's ridiculous.
Put Drew on the phone.
875
00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,141
Hey. It's Kristy.
876
00:44:47,309 --> 00:44:49,852
She wants to talk to you.
She thinks we're in Richmond.
877
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:52,689
Just tell her we're in Richmond.
Yeah.
878
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:55,191
Hi, Kristy.
Drew, where are you guys?
879
00:44:55,359 --> 00:44:58,736
We're at a strip club in Salem.
Gotta go.
880
00:44:59,196 --> 00:45:00,613
I'm not lying for you cretins.
881
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:03,783
My moral compass doesn't point
directly down my pants.
882
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:05,118
Dude, what did...?
883
00:45:05,285 --> 00:45:06,786
What do you...?
884
00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:09,163
Fuck.
Fuck.
885
00:45:09,540 --> 00:45:11,582
Dan, why did you go to Salem?
886
00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:13,710
I don't know. Tucker...
887
00:45:13,877 --> 00:45:15,128
Again, Dan?
888
00:45:15,295 --> 00:45:16,671
Again with the Tucker.
889
00:45:16,839 --> 00:45:18,131
What are you, his keeper?
890
00:45:18,590 --> 00:45:22,301
Is that what you are? You just hang out,
swoop in and save him and take the hit?
891
00:45:22,469 --> 00:45:25,138
I don't know.
I don't understand why you lied to me.
892
00:45:26,432 --> 00:45:28,975
We promised that we'd always be honest
with each other.
893
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:31,269
I don't know why we lied. I just...
894
00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:34,731
Enough with the "we."
I don't care why Tucker did what he did.
895
00:45:35,190 --> 00:45:36,357
I only care what you did.
896
00:45:39,069 --> 00:45:41,070
Honey, you're really that mad?
897
00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:43,906
I don't know what to think. I gotta go.
898
00:45:45,993 --> 00:45:47,326
Fuck.
899
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:51,831
Well, that's the last time I listen to you.
900
00:45:51,999 --> 00:45:54,709
Dude, whatever, she'll get over it.
Tell her it's my fault.
901
00:45:54,877 --> 00:45:56,419
It is your fucking fault.
902
00:45:56,837 --> 00:45:59,547
Six of one.
Dude, don't sweat it, man.
903
00:45:59,715 --> 00:46:01,841
What happens in Salem, stays in Salem.
904
00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:05,762
Well, clearly it doesn't. My fiancée,
who I lied to because of you, asshole...
905
00:46:05,929 --> 00:46:07,597
...is in Richmond and she's pissed.
906
00:46:07,765 --> 00:46:09,682
It's all right. Here.
907
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:15,229
This is the 20-minute call
for all dancers to the main stage...
908
00:46:15,397 --> 00:46:20,067
...because it is time
for bachelor party duty.
909
00:46:20,235 --> 00:46:22,028
Dude.
Someone needs a spanking.
910
00:46:22,196 --> 00:46:24,489
Dude, this is it, this is it.
911
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:26,365
You need a spanking, man. This is it.
912
00:46:26,533 --> 00:46:29,535
Are you fired up?
This is for you, go out on stage, man.
913
00:46:30,287 --> 00:46:32,872
She's my cherry pie
914
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,458
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
915
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:38,419
Let's give it
up for Rainbow Sprite, everybody.
916
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:41,088
I'll be right back. Stay there.
917
00:46:41,256 --> 00:46:42,590
Take your time, dickhead.
918
00:46:43,467 --> 00:46:45,009
Where are you going?
I just, um...
919
00:46:45,177 --> 00:46:47,220
I'll be right back.
What about your friend?
920
00:46:47,387 --> 00:46:50,223
Oh, he's fine. He's fine.
Don't worry about him. Big boy.
921
00:47:00,567 --> 00:47:01,609
Fuck.
922
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:05,238
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?
923
00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:11,202
She's sweet and sticky,
but she won't give you a cavity.
924
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:13,621
Fuck.
Let's say hello to Candy.
925
00:47:14,081 --> 00:47:17,917
This place sucks. You wanna get
out of here? Do something more fun?
926
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:33,224
I need to tell you something
before we go inside.
927
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:35,268
Oh, I fucking knew it.
928
00:47:35,435 --> 00:47:37,937
I'm gonna get jumped.
They're gonna take my kidneys.
929
00:47:38,105 --> 00:47:41,858
No. I have a son. He'll be asleep.
930
00:47:42,025 --> 00:47:46,112
But I wanted to tell you before you tripped
over his army men in the living room.
931
00:47:51,451 --> 00:47:52,743
What's his name?
932
00:47:52,911 --> 00:47:56,372
Jack. He's 7.
933
00:47:57,791 --> 00:48:01,127
Is he named after his baby daddy
or the liquor on which he was conceived?
934
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:04,714
Neither. It's just a strong name.
935
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:07,466
I think a little boy needs a strong name.
936
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,594
I'm not a fan
of those androgynous names...
937
00:48:09,761 --> 00:48:12,263
...like Pat or Jesse or Drew.
938
00:48:13,724 --> 00:48:15,516
Bitch.
939
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:19,145
I can't say I'm shocked.
940
00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:24,025
Having a kid is one of the top three excuses
strippers use to justify their career choice.
941
00:48:24,610 --> 00:48:25,735
Really?
942
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,820
And what are the other two?
943
00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:30,990
The paying my way through college lie
heads up that list.
944
00:48:31,158 --> 00:48:33,409
That's in the Whore Logic Hall of Fame.
945
00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:46,672
And the other one?
946
00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:51,844
It's better than being a hooker
or doing porn.
947
00:48:54,264 --> 00:48:58,726
You know,
strippers don't actually say that.
948
00:48:58,894 --> 00:49:02,313
Bullshit, they don't.
You need to watch Maury Povich.
949
00:49:06,151 --> 00:49:09,111
Jack, aren't you supposed to be in bed?
950
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:11,030
Bunny said I could stay up and play.
951
00:49:11,198 --> 00:49:15,201
But it doesn't matter.
Your bedtime is your bedtime.
952
00:49:19,206 --> 00:49:20,247
Greetings.
953
00:49:25,003 --> 00:49:26,379
Uh...
954
00:49:29,174 --> 00:49:30,675
The army men the good guys?
955
00:49:33,095 --> 00:49:36,263
I see you have
some robot truck men here too.
956
00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:38,057
You shouldn't mix genres like that.
957
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:42,895
It screws up the morale
and jeopardizes the efficacy of your tactics.
958
00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:46,315
Okay, I guess we
can work with it.
959
00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:50,319
What exactly are you playing?
960
00:49:52,030 --> 00:49:57,368
Well, the GI Bobs
are gonna surprise attack those Legos.
961
00:50:01,915 --> 00:50:05,042
I know that you are but 7 years old.
962
00:50:06,211 --> 00:50:09,630
This rigmarole you have here
just won't work.
963
00:50:09,923 --> 00:50:11,632
Your flanks are exposed.
964
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:15,094
You're vulnerable to an enfilade
from Lego artillery.
965
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:19,473
I think it's time
that you learn the proper way...
966
00:50:19,641 --> 00:50:21,267
...to set up an L-shaped ambush.
967
00:50:24,271 --> 00:50:25,646
What's a flank?
968
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,067
It's a good thing I came.
969
00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,862
And now, it's time
for our man of the hour...
970
00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:35,072
...our bachelor of the night.
971
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:37,241
Give it up for Big Dan.
972
00:50:57,512 --> 00:50:59,138
I had a baby named Jane
973
00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:00,347
She could shake that thing
974
00:51:00,515 --> 00:51:03,017
Said her daddy used to hang
With Johnny Coltrane
975
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:05,561
She sang a soul train
With a friend named Jen
976
00:51:05,729 --> 00:51:08,147
Her booty was bigger
Than a Mercedes-Benz
977
00:51:23,163 --> 00:51:24,830
No, no, no.
978
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:26,999
Take it off.
979
00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:30,920
No, no, no.
Ugh!
980
00:51:39,387 --> 00:51:40,721
Whoa!
981
00:51:44,684 --> 00:51:45,893
You asshole.
982
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:51,065
- Get on your feet.
- Come on, asshole. Party's over.
983
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:53,734
Yeah.
- Get out of here.
984
00:51:56,321 --> 00:51:58,155
That's it.
985
00:52:00,492 --> 00:52:01,951
Asshole.
- Okay.
986
00:52:02,452 --> 00:52:07,206
Your army men are set up
in the perfect ambush.
987
00:52:07,374 --> 00:52:12,795
Once the Legos get to the kill zone,
no matter what they do, they're toast.
988
00:52:12,963 --> 00:52:13,963
Yes.
989
00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:18,926
You might not grow up to be a failure
at life after all, kid.
990
00:52:19,553 --> 00:52:23,848
Okay. Now it's time for bed.
991
00:52:24,015 --> 00:52:29,311
Say thank you to Drew for teaching you
how to attack your Legos.
992
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:31,105
Thanks, Drew.
993
00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:34,733
Tomorrow can you teach me
other ambushes?
994
00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:38,237
I think I've stunted your growth
enough for one week.
995
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:42,658
But maybe next time I can teach you
how to use standoffish humor...
996
00:52:42,826 --> 00:52:46,412
...as a mask for your inability
to relate to people on a personal level.
997
00:52:46,580 --> 00:52:48,622
Yay.
998
00:52:48,790 --> 00:52:50,416
Yeah.
Good night, Drew.
999
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:52,168
Good night, Jack.
1000
00:53:05,182 --> 00:53:06,640
Fuck.
1001
00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,606
What the hell are you doing?
1002
00:53:16,151 --> 00:53:18,110
Oh, uh...
1003
00:53:18,445 --> 00:53:21,113
Don't mind me, boys.
I'm just baking a quiche.
1004
00:53:21,740 --> 00:53:24,283
Are you pissing?
That's an actual offense.
1005
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:26,118
Ooh.
1006
00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:31,707
Mr. Plastic-Badge gonna give me a ticket?
What the fuck did you just say?
1007
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:34,001
How will I ever face my life again?
1008
00:53:34,711 --> 00:53:36,587
Let me ask you something,
Deputy Dipshit.
1009
00:53:38,048 --> 00:53:39,798
Are you a cop...
1010
00:53:39,966 --> 00:53:44,345
...because you have a GED or because
you have erectile dysfunction?
1011
00:53:44,846 --> 00:53:46,639
I'm really curious to know.
Hey, hey.
1012
00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:48,891
Are you goddamn shitting me?
What the fuck?
1013
00:53:49,726 --> 00:53:52,269
Fuck! Fuck.
1014
00:53:52,896 --> 00:53:56,398
"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."
1015
00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:59,652
Stupid shit! You know what they did?
They left me at a strip club.
1016
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:01,820
My friends are fucking idiots.
1017
00:54:01,988 --> 00:54:06,158
"And the syrup nugget, it explodes in your
mouth and then I'll skull fuck you."
1018
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:08,410
Fucking stupid.
1019
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:12,665
Fuck it. I gotta get the fuck out of here
and call her. I don't have friends.
1020
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:14,208
My friends are douche bags.
1021
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:17,878
You guys are probably more fun
to hang out with than my fucking friends.
1022
00:54:18,046 --> 00:54:20,214
They're fucking stupid!
1023
00:54:21,758 --> 00:54:23,300
All I wanted was a bouncy castle.
1024
00:54:23,468 --> 00:54:26,011
A bouncy castle at the reception.
Just a bouncy castle.
1025
00:54:26,179 --> 00:54:29,390
I gotta get out. Gotta call my wife.
She's never gonna take me back.
1026
00:54:29,849 --> 00:54:33,644
Who's with me? Who's with me?
Somebody has gotta be with me.
1027
00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:36,855
I am the only one
who speaks English.
1028
00:54:37,315 --> 00:54:39,900
That's no problem, ése.
What?
1029
00:54:47,575 --> 00:54:49,201
Yeah.
Yeah.
1030
00:54:49,369 --> 00:54:51,328
Yeah.
1031
00:54:51,496 --> 00:54:54,456
Who's with me? Who...? Yeah.
1032
00:54:59,129 --> 00:55:00,337
Revolution!
1033
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:07,303
Hey, look, it's the cops.
All right, assholes. Last chance.
1034
00:55:09,222 --> 00:55:10,848
What the hell is going on in here?
1035
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:14,893
Holy shit, it's like Police Academy,
only gayer. Ha, ha, ha.
1036
00:55:16,438 --> 00:55:17,896
And you...
1037
00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,899
Lights out, motherfucker.
- It's a fucking joke, it's a joke.
1038
00:55:25,572 --> 00:55:28,657
"Halo 1" shotgun gun wizard
was the best hoard.
1039
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:30,534
Totally.
1040
00:55:32,078 --> 00:55:33,662
Jack's a good kid.
1041
00:55:33,830 --> 00:55:35,581
Damn it.
1042
00:55:35,999 --> 00:55:37,166
Thanks.
1043
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:40,252
I mean, I usually wanna kick most kids
into a wood chipper.
1044
00:55:41,629 --> 00:55:43,756
How are you kicking my ass?
1045
00:55:43,923 --> 00:55:45,758
That means a lot.
1046
00:55:45,925 --> 00:55:47,801
He's had a tough time
since his dad left.
1047
00:55:50,764 --> 00:55:52,056
I told you I was better.
1048
00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:54,892
I can beat Koreans.
Why did he leave?
1049
00:55:56,519 --> 00:56:00,272
Son of a bitch, where are you
even shooting me from?
1050
00:56:00,440 --> 00:56:02,274
He thought
that I was cheating on him...
1051
00:56:02,442 --> 00:56:05,944
...so he decided to get even
and screw anything that moved.
1052
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:08,364
Were you?
1053
00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:10,949
I mean, it wouldn't surprise me.
1054
00:56:11,117 --> 00:56:14,286
Your whole gender
is hardwired for whoredom.
1055
00:56:14,454 --> 00:56:16,038
Are you in pink armor?
1056
00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:18,791
I hate it when men
randomly bash women.
1057
00:56:18,958 --> 00:56:22,419
It's like this pathetic defense mechanism
you guys put up...
1058
00:56:22,587 --> 00:56:26,298
...when you know you're attracted
to a woman who might not be into you.
1059
00:56:27,133 --> 00:56:29,426
That's not... That's not true.
Yes, it is.
1060
00:56:29,594 --> 00:56:31,637
It's so much easier
to call a girl a whore...
1061
00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:34,973
...than it is to admit to yourself
she's out of your league.
1062
00:56:35,225 --> 00:56:38,394
That is some whore logic
if I've ever heard it.
1063
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:43,315
Anyone is capable
of being a whore, Drew.
1064
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:46,110
Being a woman
doesn't de facto make you one.
1065
00:56:46,277 --> 00:56:49,154
It does if you're
a cum-guzzling demon slut.
1066
00:56:49,322 --> 00:56:50,948
Fine.
1067
00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:54,993
But your ex is only representative
of herself, not her whole gender.
1068
00:56:55,870 --> 00:56:58,956
Her actions don't make me a whore
simply because we're both women.
1069
00:57:03,628 --> 00:57:05,337
Did you cheat?
1070
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:07,881
No.
1071
00:57:13,763 --> 00:57:16,849
If you ever wanna find love again
you're gonna have to get over...
1072
00:57:17,016 --> 00:57:19,852
...these childish notions that you have.
1073
00:57:20,437 --> 00:57:21,979
If you don't...
1074
00:57:22,147 --> 00:57:26,733
...your personal life will remain
the steaming pile of shit that it is now.
1075
00:57:28,319 --> 00:57:31,697
Game over. Killing frenzy.
1076
00:57:33,992 --> 00:57:35,451
Motherfucker.
1077
00:57:36,202 --> 00:57:37,536
You're the pink mist.
1078
00:57:39,205 --> 00:57:43,041
If I kiss you,
will you shut up already?
1079
00:57:43,209 --> 00:57:44,376
Mm-hm.
1080
00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:49,173
Maybe that someone's me
1081
00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:52,885
Maybe it's meant to be
1082
00:57:53,052 --> 00:57:56,472
Lovers, strangers
1083
00:57:56,639 --> 00:58:01,727
Sometimes bombs
Fall quietly
1084
00:58:02,228 --> 00:58:05,230
Maybe it's chemistry
1085
00:58:06,024 --> 00:58:08,484
Maybe it's hard to see
1086
00:58:08,651 --> 00:58:11,320
That someone
Is the right one
1087
00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:14,698
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
1088
00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:17,409
Someone is me
1089
00:58:20,413 --> 00:58:27,127
Nobody's perfect
1090
00:58:27,295 --> 00:58:30,756
No one really knows
The truth
1091
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,760
All we got's
A point of view
1092
00:58:36,888 --> 00:58:43,602
There's too many
Questions
1093
00:58:43,770 --> 00:58:47,439
And too many reasons
Not to try
1094
00:58:47,607 --> 00:58:52,110
There's too many reasons
Not to try
1095
00:58:52,278 --> 00:58:55,072
But you
1096
00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:59,117
Should take your eyes
Off the crown
1097
00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:03,580
Out of the blue moon
1098
00:59:03,748 --> 00:59:06,333
You see that someone
1099
00:59:06,501 --> 00:59:10,379
Is looking
Right back at you
1100
00:59:25,270 --> 00:59:26,603
Where am I?
1101
00:59:27,647 --> 00:59:29,314
Uh, uh...
1102
00:59:34,571 --> 00:59:37,072
Drunk tank, ése.
1103
00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:48,792
That's disgusting.
1104
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:51,670
I hope that wasn't
one of you guys.
1105
00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:54,298
Fuck. Can I make a call, man?
1106
00:59:54,465 --> 00:59:56,008
Sorry.
1107
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:09,563
Operator.
Yeah, hi.
1108
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:12,858
I need to make a collect call...
1109
01:00:13,026 --> 01:00:19,406
...to 323-351-7640.
1110
01:00:19,574 --> 01:00:20,866
State your name after the beep.
1111
01:00:22,243 --> 01:00:23,910
It's Dan.
1112
01:00:39,552 --> 01:00:41,678
Operator.
Uh, yeah.
1113
01:00:41,846 --> 01:00:44,056
Can you try...
1114
01:00:44,307 --> 01:00:50,395
...281-555-8009?
1115
01:00:50,563 --> 01:00:51,897
State your name after the beep.
1116
01:00:53,232 --> 01:00:54,316
Dan.
1117
01:01:01,199 --> 01:01:03,033
Son of a bitch, where the hell are you?
1118
01:01:03,201 --> 01:01:05,535
I'm right here, sir.
No, not you.
1119
01:01:05,703 --> 01:01:09,247
Look, can you just try one more?
Can you try...
1120
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:13,919
...918-555-7640?
1121
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:15,337
State your name after the beep.
1122
01:01:16,673 --> 01:01:18,215
What the fuck?
Are you fucking with me?
1123
01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:21,760
It's Dan, just dial the fucking phone
so I don't spend the last of my days in...
1124
01:01:21,928 --> 01:01:23,303
Fuck!
1125
01:01:30,186 --> 01:01:31,937
- What?
- This is the Salem City...
1126
01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:35,065
...Jail Operator with a collect call from:
- Are you fucking with me?
1127
01:01:35,233 --> 01:01:38,777
It's Dan, dial the fucking phone
so I don't spend the last of my days...
1128
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,612
Fuck!
Daniel?
1129
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,906
Oh, Jesus. Mrs. Jorgens?
1130
01:01:43,074 --> 01:01:44,616
What's going on?
1131
01:01:46,911 --> 01:01:49,287
Can you get Kristy for me?
1132
01:01:50,456 --> 01:01:53,250
No, I cannot. Where are you?
1133
01:01:54,877 --> 01:01:57,045
I'm in jail.
1134
01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:01,633
What a shock.
Mom, is that Dan?
1135
01:02:11,310 --> 01:02:12,978
Fuck.
1136
01:02:14,313 --> 01:02:15,856
Hey.
Dude, how did it go?
1137
01:02:16,023 --> 01:02:17,441
Everything good?
Of course.
1138
01:02:17,608 --> 01:02:20,152
What did you think was gonna happen?
What do I think?
1139
01:02:20,319 --> 01:02:22,988
Get away! Mommy! No!
Get away! No! Mommy!
1140
01:02:31,414 --> 01:02:34,166
That's ridiculous.
I already have all those toys.
1141
01:02:35,793 --> 01:02:37,461
Hey, Jack.
1142
01:02:37,628 --> 01:02:39,463
Hey. Hey.
1143
01:02:39,630 --> 01:02:43,717
Where's my 200 bucks?
Oh, you mean my 200 bucks?
1144
01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:46,470
Yeah, she's good.
1145
01:02:46,637 --> 01:02:48,013
Nice, well played.
1146
01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:49,890
Hey.
1147
01:02:50,349 --> 01:02:51,767
You can have this.
1148
01:02:55,438 --> 01:02:57,022
Wow.
1149
01:02:57,857 --> 01:03:00,025
Thanks, Jack.
1150
01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:02,110
Hey, you know what?
1151
01:03:03,154 --> 01:03:06,364
I want you to have this.
1152
01:03:06,532 --> 01:03:08,450
A GI Bob keychain.
1153
01:03:08,618 --> 01:03:11,203
Bob was the commander
for the soldiers that went to battle.
1154
01:03:11,370 --> 01:03:13,872
He was my favorite when I was your age.
Wow.
1155
01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:16,208
You gotta promise me one thing,
though.
1156
01:03:16,375 --> 01:03:18,668
You take care of all your soldiers
just like Bob.
1157
01:03:18,836 --> 01:03:21,129
Especially your mom.
- I promise.
1158
01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:23,507
All right.
1159
01:03:23,674 --> 01:03:25,801
I'll call you when I get home.
Okay.
1160
01:03:27,053 --> 01:03:29,471
Keep working on your ambushes, buddy.
1161
01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:31,598
Bye, Drew.
1162
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:34,851
Did you just give your
Bob keychain to a whore baby?
1163
01:03:35,019 --> 01:03:36,937
She's not a whore.
1164
01:03:38,272 --> 01:03:39,689
Okay.
1165
01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:41,900
Wow.
1166
01:03:43,069 --> 01:03:46,404
Here you go, man.
I got you one of these suckers.
1167
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:49,825
Where's Dan?
1168
01:04:02,046 --> 01:04:04,089
Holy shit.
1169
01:04:06,217 --> 01:04:08,844
Jesus Christ, man.
What the fuck happened to you?
1170
01:04:14,600 --> 01:04:15,892
Let's fucking go.
1171
01:04:16,060 --> 01:04:19,521
Dude, you are not gonna believe
what happened to me.
1172
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:22,816
You know the feeling you get
when you're looking for that someone...
1173
01:04:22,984 --> 01:04:26,319
...and you are trying so hard
you think you might never find her?
1174
01:04:26,487 --> 01:04:28,905
And then,
just as you're about to give up...
1175
01:04:29,073 --> 01:04:34,619
...the clouds part, the path widens,
and there she is.
1176
01:04:34,787 --> 01:04:39,708
Gentlemen, last night
I reached the mountaintop.
1177
01:04:39,876 --> 01:04:43,712
Drew, you had just left the bar
when I saw her.
1178
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:45,714
My midget princess.
1179
01:04:45,882 --> 01:04:50,594
Her dark hair and sparkling eyes
reminded me of Alyssa Milano.
1180
01:04:50,761 --> 01:04:53,471
Her compressed cervical vertebrae
and bowed legs...
1181
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:56,224
...told me exactly
what Alyssa Milano would look like...
1182
01:04:56,392 --> 01:04:59,436
...if she were placed in a vise
and squished to one-quarter size.
1183
01:04:59,979 --> 01:05:03,231
So as her pigeon-toed feet
carried her past our table...
1184
01:05:03,399 --> 01:05:07,193
...I slid down in my chair,
hoping to catch her eye.
1185
01:05:07,361 --> 01:05:09,029
She looked at me.
1186
01:05:09,697 --> 01:05:11,239
Her mashed-up teeth...
1187
01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:16,453
...sparkling in the oily light
of the novelty condom machine.
1188
01:05:16,704 --> 01:05:22,542
I gave her my unmistakable
I-want-to-fuck-you eyes.
1189
01:05:22,710 --> 01:05:29,007
She shot back a quick
my-spine-hurts face, and I was smitten.
1190
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:33,345
She went to the bar, ordered a drink.
I took the stool next to hers.
1191
01:05:33,512 --> 01:05:35,263
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?
1192
01:05:35,431 --> 01:05:39,100
The beer bottle looked massive
in her tiny little hands.
1193
01:05:39,268 --> 01:05:42,729
All I could think about was how big
those hands would make my penis look.
1194
01:05:42,897 --> 01:05:46,441
She ate it up.
I'm not a dwarf, I'm a little person.
1195
01:05:46,609 --> 01:05:48,777
Is that what Doc told you, Grumpy?
1196
01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:52,113
She laughed her tiny little laugh
at my tiny little jokes...
1197
01:05:52,281 --> 01:05:54,532
...and then threw me a fastball
down the middle.
1198
01:05:54,700 --> 01:05:56,660
So, what do you want to do?
1199
01:05:57,119 --> 01:06:00,330
It was the tiny little opening I needed.
1200
01:06:00,498 --> 01:06:02,874
I wanna make a mess in your mouth.
1201
01:06:03,167 --> 01:06:05,877
Let's go to my place, then.
Okay.
1202
01:06:06,045 --> 01:06:07,963
Just to be safe, leave the pickax here.
1203
01:06:08,130 --> 01:06:12,008
I don't want you tunneling under the bed,
looking for diamonds. It'll freak me out.
1204
01:06:12,176 --> 01:06:16,554
Without a tiny little second thought,
she swung down from the stool...
1205
01:06:16,722 --> 01:06:19,975
...took my pinky in her sausage fingers
and guided me out the door.
1206
01:06:23,354 --> 01:06:24,521
Wait.
1207
01:06:24,689 --> 01:06:28,608
You mean to tell me
that I have this and this...
1208
01:06:28,776 --> 01:06:31,861
...because you wanted to fuck
an Oompa Loompa, are you serious?
1209
01:06:32,029 --> 01:06:34,990
Dude, it was destiny.
1210
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:36,658
You remember?
1211
01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:40,078
The midget stripper the professor
was talking about in class yesterday.
1212
01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:41,663
I went on Westlaw...
1213
01:06:41,831 --> 01:06:44,624
...and found out where she worked
before I picked up Drew.
1214
01:06:47,878 --> 01:06:50,005
You've never been
to that strip club before?
1215
01:06:51,382 --> 01:06:54,634
No. I mean, not until last time.
1216
01:06:54,802 --> 01:06:56,386
Holy shit.
1217
01:06:58,764 --> 01:07:00,640
That's why you took us
to that crappy bar.
1218
01:07:03,144 --> 01:07:06,396
That's why you had me call information
to find out where the club was.
1219
01:07:06,564 --> 01:07:07,772
Yes.
1220
01:07:07,940 --> 01:07:10,734
The bachelor party was just a fucking ruse?
Dan, Dan, Dan.
1221
01:07:10,901 --> 01:07:14,070
How many people do you know
who have fucked a midget?
1222
01:07:14,238 --> 01:07:17,407
You don't think that's awesome?
Are you fucking kidding me?
1223
01:07:19,118 --> 01:07:23,079
Here you go. Keep it down?
Watch your language.
1224
01:07:24,457 --> 01:07:28,251
I might not have a fiancée anymore
because you dragged me into a lie...
1225
01:07:28,419 --> 01:07:31,129
...that I didn't want
or fucking need to be a part of.
1226
01:07:32,798 --> 01:07:36,134
Now I have to go back to Richmond
and beg her for her forgiveness...
1227
01:07:36,302 --> 01:07:38,595
...and plead with her
not to cancel the wedding...
1228
01:07:38,763 --> 01:07:41,598
...that we have been planning
for two fucking years, Tucker.
1229
01:07:41,766 --> 01:07:44,726
Two fucking years.
1230
01:07:48,397 --> 01:07:49,689
I...
1231
01:07:49,857 --> 01:07:52,108
And what am I gonna do
when I get there, huh?
1232
01:07:53,694 --> 01:07:56,613
Look at my fucking face, man.
1233
01:07:56,989 --> 01:08:01,367
I look like I've been on the wrong end
of a prison beating because I fucking have.
1234
01:08:04,830 --> 01:08:05,955
Dude.
1235
01:08:07,291 --> 01:08:10,001
Let me finish my story.
It's not always about you.
1236
01:08:14,256 --> 01:08:16,382
- Dan, Dan, Dan!
- About me?
1237
01:08:16,550 --> 01:08:18,593
- Come on, come on.
- Oh, my God.
1238
01:08:19,512 --> 01:08:20,845
- Jesus.
- Get off of me!
1239
01:08:21,013 --> 01:08:23,098
Dude. It was a midget.
- Hey, hey, hey!
1240
01:08:23,265 --> 01:08:26,643
Right now, if I were Tucker,
I would shut the fuck up.
1241
01:08:35,277 --> 01:08:39,656
Maybe the sun
Will shine today
1242
01:08:45,704 --> 01:08:48,164
The clouds will blow away
1243
01:08:54,505 --> 01:08:58,174
Maybe I won't feel
So afraid
1244
01:09:10,271 --> 01:09:12,188
I will try to understand
1245
01:09:30,207 --> 01:09:33,084
I will tell you one thing...
I don't wanna hear it, Mom.
1246
01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:34,586
I don't wanna hear it.
1247
01:09:38,591 --> 01:09:42,302
No good Baptist would be caught dead
drinking to excess...
1248
01:09:42,469 --> 01:09:45,638
...or getting arrested
for causing a ruckus.
1249
01:09:45,806 --> 01:09:48,391
Of course not,
good Baptists don't get caught.
1250
01:09:48,559 --> 01:09:49,601
That's right.
1251
01:09:49,768 --> 01:09:51,519
They just sit in judgment of others...
1252
01:09:51,687 --> 01:09:54,522
...refusing to help them
when they need it the most.
1253
01:09:56,567 --> 01:09:58,401
Don't you get smart with me,
young lady.
1254
01:09:58,861 --> 01:10:03,781
It is not my fault that you decided
to fall in love with some...
1255
01:10:06,368 --> 01:10:08,578
...fair-weather Protestant.
Oh, my God.
1256
01:10:08,746 --> 01:10:09,829
Ordaining women.
1257
01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:12,707
And marrying the homosexuals.
Mother!
1258
01:10:12,875 --> 01:10:14,083
Well, it's true.
1259
01:10:14,251 --> 01:10:20,465
A religion with all of the spirituality
and none of the guilt? Ha-ha-ha.
1260
01:10:20,633 --> 01:10:22,050
Oh, please.
1261
01:10:22,218 --> 01:10:23,468
It's not right.
1262
01:10:25,262 --> 01:10:27,805
Well, now,
look who the Lord has chosen...
1263
01:10:27,973 --> 01:10:30,141
...to deliver unto this happy home.
1264
01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:32,101
We need to talk.
1265
01:10:32,603 --> 01:10:35,897
Good gracious, Daniel, your face.
What happened to you?
1266
01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:38,733
Babe, I'm sorry.
- Sorry?
1267
01:10:40,945 --> 01:10:43,696
The wedding is ruined.
Look at your face!
1268
01:10:43,864 --> 01:10:45,490
Enough, Mom.
1269
01:10:46,200 --> 01:10:48,826
Oh, my...
Well, we have to postpone it.
1270
01:10:48,994 --> 01:10:51,704
I cannot display your wedding
photos in my house.
1271
01:10:51,872 --> 01:10:53,164
What will people think?
1272
01:10:53,332 --> 01:10:56,042
This isn't about you
and your baloney.
1273
01:10:58,170 --> 01:11:01,547
Honey, are you okay?
1274
01:11:02,216 --> 01:11:03,424
Babe.
1275
01:11:03,592 --> 01:11:07,011
God, you just gotta stop letting Tucker
get you into these messes.
1276
01:11:07,179 --> 01:11:08,471
Look, I get it.
1277
01:11:10,224 --> 01:11:11,307
Are you okay?
1278
01:11:12,977 --> 01:11:14,102
I'm fine.
1279
01:11:18,857 --> 01:11:20,233
You better stop laughing.
1280
01:11:20,818 --> 01:11:23,278
You don't look fine.
Shut up.
1281
01:11:23,445 --> 01:11:25,029
Baby.
1282
01:11:25,489 --> 01:11:28,783
Gross. We have to go.
1283
01:11:28,951 --> 01:11:31,369
I'll work you over like I did these guys.
- Oh, yeah?
1284
01:11:31,537 --> 01:11:33,079
I killed them.
1285
01:11:35,916 --> 01:11:39,669
Dude, what's good for positive thinking?
Penance.
1286
01:11:39,837 --> 01:11:42,297
Exercise is supposed to be good,
let's play some hoops.
1287
01:11:42,464 --> 01:11:43,506
We have class.
1288
01:11:43,674 --> 01:11:46,718
That place we pay 35 grand a year
to attend between happy hours.
1289
01:11:46,885 --> 01:11:48,261
Eh, that place is dumb.
1290
01:11:48,429 --> 01:11:50,138
Have you talked to Dan?
1291
01:11:50,306 --> 01:11:53,099
I tried calling him a bunch
of times, but he didn't pick up.
1292
01:11:53,267 --> 01:11:55,893
What? He's not actually pissed,
is he?
1293
01:11:56,061 --> 01:11:58,938
Has your id-driven narcissism
completely stripped you...
1294
01:11:59,106 --> 01:12:02,025
...of the ability to evaluate
the consequences of your actions?
1295
01:12:02,192 --> 01:12:04,736
Dude, this is not that big of a deal.
Are you drunk?
1296
01:12:04,903 --> 01:12:08,156
How have you gotten this far in life
without understanding this stuff?
1297
01:12:08,324 --> 01:12:10,908
I'll apologize to him tomorrow
when we get to the hotel.
1298
01:12:11,076 --> 01:12:14,912
That way we can be done
with all this bullshit. Ha, ha, ha.
1299
01:12:15,080 --> 01:12:17,582
God truly does protect
children and fools...
1300
01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:19,542
...because you are both,
Tucker.
1301
01:12:19,877 --> 01:12:21,794
That guy on the left, he's a vegan.
1302
01:12:21,962 --> 01:12:24,589
- Really?
- Look at those abs, Jesus.
1303
01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:26,299
No meat, just abs.
1304
01:12:27,926 --> 01:12:29,427
Oh, this sounds good. Kick his ass.
1305
01:12:30,971 --> 01:12:32,847
I'm so tired.
Ugh.
1306
01:12:33,849 --> 01:12:35,433
Yay.
1307
01:12:39,438 --> 01:12:42,273
It's Tucker.
You wanna talk to him?
1308
01:12:47,237 --> 01:12:48,988
Hey, is Dan here?
1309
01:12:54,370 --> 01:12:56,245
Yo, dude.
1310
01:12:56,663 --> 01:12:58,456
Can I come in? Talk?
1311
01:13:00,292 --> 01:13:01,292
I'm coming in.
1312
01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:06,964
Yo, Dan. Dude.
1313
01:13:07,966 --> 01:13:09,258
Sorry.
1314
01:13:22,106 --> 01:13:23,147
Whatever.
1315
01:13:34,159 --> 01:13:35,660
Okay.
1316
01:13:37,121 --> 01:13:38,413
All right, what should I do?
1317
01:13:39,123 --> 01:13:41,916
Apologize sincerely.
I just did.
1318
01:13:42,835 --> 01:13:45,086
Tucker, what kind of fantasy world
do you live in?
1319
01:13:45,254 --> 01:13:47,755
One word and a guy head nod
isn't a sincere apology.
1320
01:13:47,923 --> 01:13:50,174
What am I supposed to say?
I'm not a mind reader.
1321
01:13:50,342 --> 01:13:53,177
Do you understand
the magnitude of the situation?
1322
01:13:53,345 --> 01:13:55,096
He lied to me for you.
1323
01:13:55,264 --> 01:13:58,516
He landed in jail because you failed
as a friend in every way possible.
1324
01:13:58,684 --> 01:14:02,186
I didn't make him lie to you.
He lied because he's your friend, Tucker.
1325
01:14:02,354 --> 01:14:04,981
To protect you.
That's stupid, protect me from what?
1326
01:14:05,149 --> 01:14:09,152
From his future wife thinking his best friend
is a selfish, lying son of a bitch.
1327
01:14:10,070 --> 01:14:12,613
Except for you know what?
It's even worse than that.
1328
01:14:12,781 --> 01:14:14,991
Because I always knew you were selfish.
1329
01:14:15,159 --> 01:14:17,535
Now I worry
that you're this destructive force...
1330
01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:20,163
...that I can't trust
to protect the man I love.
1331
01:14:20,330 --> 01:14:23,499
It was a bachelor party.
Tucker, look at me.
1332
01:14:24,626 --> 01:14:26,669
You don't understand.
1333
01:14:26,837 --> 01:14:30,047
Part of friendship is knowing boundaries.
Do you know what Dan's are?
1334
01:14:30,215 --> 01:14:32,550
Yeah, of course.
You do?
1335
01:14:32,718 --> 01:14:33,801
Yeah.
1336
01:14:33,969 --> 01:14:35,470
What? So you just ignored them?
1337
01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:36,762
Pushed right past them?
1338
01:14:36,930 --> 01:14:39,015
He sacrificed
his line in the sand for you...
1339
01:14:39,183 --> 01:14:42,185
...and you couldn't sacrifice
a midget vagina for him.
1340
01:14:44,938 --> 01:14:47,648
And you wonder why you're not welcome
at our wedding.
1341
01:14:52,196 --> 01:14:54,197
I'm not invited?
1342
01:14:55,908 --> 01:14:59,118
No, Tucker, you're not.
1343
01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:05,041
There's no way. What does Dan say?
1344
01:15:05,918 --> 01:15:09,629
You don't get it.
I don't care if you're at our wedding.
1345
01:15:10,839 --> 01:15:13,424
It's Dan who doesn't want you there.
1346
01:15:22,100 --> 01:15:23,935
Fuck it.
1347
01:15:34,404 --> 01:15:36,155
It's Tucker.
1348
01:15:37,282 --> 01:15:39,283
Thanks.
Mm-hm.
1349
01:15:40,410 --> 01:15:42,787
What's up?
What are you doing, man?
1350
01:15:42,955 --> 01:15:44,789
Nothing. Lara's here.
1351
01:15:44,957 --> 01:15:46,916
Oh, cool, let's all hang out.
1352
01:15:47,084 --> 01:15:49,335
Get some drinks.
We can take the stripper dancing.
1353
01:15:50,295 --> 01:15:52,755
Yeah, no thanks.
We're just gonna stay in tonight.
1354
01:15:52,923 --> 01:15:54,173
We got a long day tomorrow.
1355
01:15:54,341 --> 01:15:57,885
Getting pussy doesn't mean
you need to be a pussy. Let's all hang out.
1356
01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:02,640
Yes, Tucker. Insult us and insistently
reassert your initial demand.
1357
01:16:02,808 --> 01:16:05,601
That will make the difference.
What are you talking about?
1358
01:16:05,769 --> 01:16:08,479
You already submarined
one relationship this week.
1359
01:16:08,647 --> 01:16:12,149
I'd like a chance to see if mine can float
before you torpedo it, all right?
1360
01:16:12,317 --> 01:16:13,901
I gotta go.
1361
01:16:29,459 --> 01:16:31,002
Fuck them if they can't take a joke.
1362
01:16:32,170 --> 01:16:34,880
I have two cats. A girl and a boy.
1363
01:16:35,048 --> 01:16:38,426
Abigail Lulu Dibiase
and Jersey Lemon Dibiase.
1364
01:16:39,970 --> 01:16:42,138
Why do you own cats?
1365
01:16:42,556 --> 01:16:45,474
Do you enjoy having big boxes
of shit all around your house?
1366
01:16:46,018 --> 01:16:48,894
I clean the litter boxes every day.
Wow, God.
1367
01:16:49,062 --> 01:16:51,105
Does it not bother you
how haughty they are?
1368
01:16:51,273 --> 01:16:52,815
They could give a fuck about you.
1369
01:16:52,983 --> 01:16:54,358
Not my cats.
1370
01:16:54,526 --> 01:16:57,278
They're not like regular cats,
they're like dogs.
1371
01:16:58,655 --> 01:17:01,574
Now, see, that is right on cue.
Every cat person says that.
1372
01:17:01,742 --> 01:17:07,121
Now, you know
what's not like a regular cat?
1373
01:17:08,707 --> 01:17:10,374
A fucking dog.
1374
01:17:13,754 --> 01:17:16,464
There's no need to thank me.
1375
01:17:19,343 --> 01:17:23,387
The silent, awed adoration
is its own reward.
1376
01:17:33,899 --> 01:17:35,900
What you doing?
1377
01:17:37,069 --> 01:17:38,903
I'm talking to the turtles.
1378
01:17:45,494 --> 01:17:48,621
Are they telling you to kill
that fat girl behind us?
1379
01:17:49,289 --> 01:17:51,916
Because that's what
they're telling me to do.
1380
01:17:56,463 --> 01:17:58,130
What? How can you
be mad about that?
1381
01:17:58,298 --> 01:18:01,759
Fat girls aren't real people.
How can a man say something like that?
1382
01:18:03,261 --> 01:18:05,971
Well, usually I don't say it.
Usually it's my friend Drew.
1383
01:18:06,139 --> 01:18:11,310
And then I come in, pick up the girl
on the rebound. But he's not here.
1384
01:18:11,478 --> 01:18:13,104
So you're drinking alone?
1385
01:18:13,271 --> 01:18:16,148
That's one of the beginning stages
of alcoholism, you know.
1386
01:18:17,609 --> 01:18:19,777
Oh, I am way past the beginning stages.
1387
01:18:19,945 --> 01:18:22,238
I already hide liquor
and drink alone in the dark.
1388
01:18:22,406 --> 01:18:24,907
That's sad.
No, it isn't.
1389
01:18:25,075 --> 01:18:27,284
Think about it.
Drinking is highly underrated.
1390
01:18:27,452 --> 01:18:29,161
What are the detriments to drinking?
1391
01:18:29,329 --> 01:18:30,871
I don't know.
You don't know.
1392
01:18:31,039 --> 01:18:33,999
Okay, how about it hurts relationships
with family and friends?
1393
01:18:34,459 --> 01:18:37,128
I don't like my family
and my friends drink as much as me.
1394
01:18:37,295 --> 01:18:39,714
How about it causes
long-term health problems?
1395
01:18:39,881 --> 01:18:42,466
I drive way too fast
to worry about anything long-term.
1396
01:18:42,634 --> 01:18:44,635
Now, it costs money.
I'll give you that.
1397
01:18:44,803 --> 01:18:47,513
But I'm gonna spend my money
recklessly anyway.
1398
01:18:47,681 --> 01:18:50,307
Better on alcohol
than on drugs or pornography.
1399
01:18:50,475 --> 01:18:53,227
How about it causes
rude and aberrant behavior?
1400
01:18:53,395 --> 01:18:56,814
I'm an asshole when I'm sober,
drinking actually calms me down.
1401
01:18:56,982 --> 01:19:00,192
Now, think about its benefits.
Makes me invulnerable to criticism.
1402
01:19:00,360 --> 01:19:02,945
Makes ugly people attractive,
boring people interesting.
1403
01:19:03,113 --> 01:19:06,031
It makes hot girls like me.
For my money, the choice is obvious.
1404
01:19:06,199 --> 01:19:07,241
Motherfucker!
1405
01:19:07,409 --> 01:19:10,286
Oh, Mongo got angry!
Mongo smash!
1406
01:19:10,454 --> 01:19:12,455
You just totally blew your chance,
you know.
1407
01:19:12,622 --> 01:19:14,373
There you were standing by yourself...
1408
01:19:14,541 --> 01:19:17,334
...when two hot girls
decided to talk to you.
1409
01:19:18,336 --> 01:19:21,046
What hot girls?
Us!
1410
01:19:21,214 --> 01:19:23,758
That was gonna be my question too.
What hot girls?
1411
01:19:23,925 --> 01:19:27,511
God bless your overworked heart.
Oh, another fat-girl joke.
1412
01:19:27,679 --> 01:19:29,930
That really cuts deep.
1413
01:19:30,098 --> 01:19:35,060
The only way that I could cut you deep
is with a battleaxe and a running start.
1414
01:19:35,854 --> 01:19:39,315
Yo, yo, did you hear that chick?
You ever seen Wedding Crashers?
1415
01:19:39,483 --> 01:19:42,109
They look like they're a 10
when they're standing there.
1416
01:19:42,277 --> 01:19:45,988
What do you mean? You can count
that high? Skinny, fat one, zero?
1417
01:19:46,907 --> 01:19:48,824
- Let's go.
- What a dickhead.
1418
01:19:48,992 --> 01:19:51,452
Nice striped shirt, Luigi.
1419
01:19:52,537 --> 01:19:55,873
Hey, Olive Oyl, I can't believe
you picked Bluto over Popeye.
1420
01:19:56,041 --> 01:19:57,124
That's fucked up.
1421
01:19:57,292 --> 01:20:00,920
At least I'm not at the bar
drinking by myself.
1422
01:20:06,384 --> 01:20:08,594
Fuck you, fatty.
1423
01:20:14,601 --> 01:20:17,937
I wanted to go the party, but he didn't call.
1424
01:20:24,444 --> 01:20:27,571
Hey, how's it going?
1425
01:20:34,496 --> 01:20:37,414
This is beautiful, this ring is beautiful.
Thanks.
1426
01:20:37,582 --> 01:20:40,376
You married or do you wear that
to keep the douche bags away?
1427
01:20:40,544 --> 01:20:42,670
No, I'm actually married.
1428
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:47,758
Then how good is your marriage?
Good enough to keep me in it.
1429
01:20:47,926 --> 01:20:51,804
Then what are you doing here?
Girls' night out.
1430
01:20:52,681 --> 01:20:54,932
Come on, isn't that just code for:
1431
01:20:55,100 --> 01:20:58,811
"Hey, let's get drunk
and suck off hot guys in the bathroom?"
1432
01:20:59,312 --> 01:21:01,772
Maybe for the girls
you hang out with.
1433
01:21:01,940 --> 01:21:03,732
Are you calling my mom a slut?
1434
01:21:07,487 --> 01:21:09,196
Does she know you talk like that?
1435
01:21:09,364 --> 01:21:12,825
Does your husband know
you flirt with men you meet in bars?
1436
01:21:21,126 --> 01:21:24,545
Does it really fucking matter?
No, it doesn't.
1437
01:21:24,713 --> 01:21:26,380
You're not gonna invite me in?
1438
01:21:29,467 --> 01:21:32,720
There's only one toilet.
There's a sink, isn't there?
1439
01:21:37,475 --> 01:21:40,561
Do you always hit on women
in the bathroom line?
1440
01:21:40,729 --> 01:21:42,146
Nope.
1441
01:21:42,314 --> 01:21:46,066
Only hot ones I want to sleep with.
You think I'm hot?
1442
01:21:46,234 --> 01:21:49,820
Baby, you're so hot, if I were dating you,
I'd never leave the house.
1443
01:21:51,323 --> 01:21:54,909
I'd never even leave your vaginal area,
unless I was coming on your face.
1444
01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:59,663
You are a naughty little boy.
1445
01:21:59,831 --> 01:22:02,082
What makes you think
I'm gonna have sex with you?
1446
01:22:02,250 --> 01:22:03,751
Oh, please.
1447
01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:05,169
I'm gonna hit it so hard...
1448
01:22:05,337 --> 01:22:08,464
...whoever pulls me out of you
is gonna become king of England.
1449
01:22:29,235 --> 01:22:31,695
Oops. Excuse us.
Hello.
1450
01:22:32,072 --> 01:22:35,199
You're next, Gertrude.
Shameful.
1451
01:22:46,211 --> 01:22:48,545
Fuck.
1452
01:23:02,936 --> 01:23:03,936
Ow.
1453
01:23:04,104 --> 01:23:06,063
Are you all right?
Yeah.
1454
01:23:20,704 --> 01:23:22,746
Ready?
Wait.
1455
01:23:24,207 --> 01:23:25,499
What the fuck?
1456
01:23:26,126 --> 01:23:27,584
I gotta take a shit.
1457
01:23:27,752 --> 01:23:29,461
No, wait. I gotta go first, okay?
1458
01:23:29,629 --> 01:23:32,089
What?
Baby, wait. I'll just be a second.
1459
01:23:32,257 --> 01:23:34,425
Oh, fuck.
1460
01:23:50,859 --> 01:23:52,901
Goddamn.
1461
01:23:54,070 --> 01:23:57,406
What are you doing in there?
Nothing.
1462
01:23:57,574 --> 01:24:01,243
It doesn't sound like nothing.
Hurry up!
1463
01:24:01,411 --> 01:24:02,953
I'll be right out.
1464
01:24:04,414 --> 01:24:06,373
Turn on the fan.
1465
01:24:09,002 --> 01:24:11,712
Light a match or something.
1466
01:24:11,880 --> 01:24:13,213
Oh, fuck.
1467
01:24:13,381 --> 01:24:16,175
I'm sorry. Oh, no.
Some air freshener in around here.
1468
01:24:16,342 --> 01:24:18,510
I'm not feeling so good.
You're okay.
1469
01:24:18,678 --> 01:24:19,720
I should go.
1470
01:24:19,888 --> 01:24:21,638
No, no, no, what?
I'm going.
1471
01:24:21,806 --> 01:24:23,599
Fuck, what is that smell?
Holy shit.
1472
01:24:26,728 --> 01:24:28,479
Fuck! You clogged it.
1473
01:24:29,564 --> 01:24:31,482
You clogged a motherfucking hotel toilet.
1474
01:24:31,649 --> 01:24:35,694
What kind of constipated meth-head bowel
movement does it take to clog a hotel toilet?
1475
01:24:35,862 --> 01:24:37,780
Sorry.
1476
01:24:39,157 --> 01:24:40,866
Hello?
1477
01:24:42,911 --> 01:24:44,661
Oh, fuck.
1478
01:25:06,643 --> 01:25:08,685
Thank you very much. Bathroom?
1479
01:25:08,853 --> 01:25:10,813
Where's the bathroom?
In the main lobby.
1480
01:25:10,980 --> 01:25:12,940
Main lobby.
1481
01:25:13,691 --> 01:25:16,360
What lobby is...? Oh, fuck it.
1482
01:25:25,537 --> 01:25:27,830
Fucking shit! Where's the bathroom?
1483
01:25:40,718 --> 01:25:42,761
Which way is the fucking?
1484
01:25:57,652 --> 01:25:59,194
Oh, no, no, no.
1485
01:25:59,779 --> 01:26:01,113
Fuck.
1486
01:26:02,782 --> 01:26:04,575
Fuck.
1487
01:26:04,993 --> 01:26:06,618
Oh, fuck, no.
1488
01:26:14,210 --> 01:26:16,670
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
1489
01:26:35,899 --> 01:26:37,274
Shit.
1490
01:27:20,985 --> 01:27:23,278
Oh, fuck.
1491
01:27:27,367 --> 01:27:28,659
Fuck!
1492
01:28:28,928 --> 01:28:30,846
I'm sorry.
1493
01:29:03,755 --> 01:29:07,382
God, I hope they serve beer in hell.
1494
01:29:08,259 --> 01:29:09,593
You may kiss the bride.
1495
01:29:18,269 --> 01:29:20,937
And now will you please rise?
1496
01:29:34,118 --> 01:29:35,660
Yep.
1497
01:29:36,746 --> 01:29:38,789
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
1498
01:29:38,956 --> 01:29:41,083
Yep, yep. The biggest one you got.
1499
01:29:41,250 --> 01:29:43,502
Okay, thank you very much.
1500
01:29:45,129 --> 01:29:46,755
Hold it. Hold it. Good.
1501
01:29:46,923 --> 01:29:50,425
This is good. Okay. Can I get you
to move your head a little...?
1502
01:29:52,178 --> 01:29:54,971
This time, all she could do
was talk about her and Dan.
1503
01:29:55,139 --> 01:29:58,600
They couldn't stop looking at each other
and holding hands.
1504
01:29:58,768 --> 01:30:01,436
After that, I knew he was a keeper.
1505
01:30:01,604 --> 01:30:05,148
And I was right. I love you, Kristy.
1506
01:30:18,162 --> 01:30:21,957
Hey, I'm Jeff. I'm Dan's older
brother and his best man.
1507
01:30:22,125 --> 01:30:24,084
Dan and I go way back.
1508
01:30:24,252 --> 01:30:27,003
In fact, I kind of feel like
I've known him in my whole life.
1509
01:30:28,423 --> 01:30:32,175
When Dan told he'd met the girl
he was gonna marry...
1510
01:30:32,343 --> 01:30:33,427
...I didn't believe it.
1511
01:30:33,594 --> 01:30:36,721
Only a few short years ago,
he was throwing rocks at girls...
1512
01:30:36,889 --> 01:30:39,808
...and now
he is putting one on her finger.
1513
01:30:41,018 --> 01:30:42,018
Oh, God.
1514
01:30:42,186 --> 01:30:45,105
I have known Kristy
for a few years now...
1515
01:30:45,273 --> 01:30:47,858
...and I couldn't ask
for a better sister-in-law.
1516
01:30:48,025 --> 01:30:51,736
Here is to my little bro and his bride.
1517
01:30:55,241 --> 01:30:57,868
All right, Sling Blade, give me that mike.
1518
01:30:58,035 --> 01:31:01,329
Some of you may not know me.
My name is Tucker Max.
1519
01:31:01,497 --> 01:31:03,707
Dan's my best friend.
1520
01:31:03,875 --> 01:31:09,212
At least he was, until last week when I took
advantage of Dan's kindness and loyalty.
1521
01:31:09,380 --> 01:31:12,841
I forced him into lying to Kristy,
dragged him two hours away...
1522
01:31:13,009 --> 01:31:16,803
...got him abusively drunk, and then
ditched him to sleep with a midget stripper.
1523
01:31:16,971 --> 01:31:19,890
I am the reason that, on the most
important day of Dan's life...
1524
01:31:20,057 --> 01:31:22,893
...Dan's face looks like
a melted Barbie doll's. Ha, ha, ha.
1525
01:31:23,227 --> 01:31:24,269
Just wait.
1526
01:31:24,437 --> 01:31:27,731
The worst part is, I didn't know
I was doing anything wrong.
1527
01:31:27,899 --> 01:31:31,568
I was just doing what I've always done,
which is pretty much whatever I want.
1528
01:31:31,736 --> 01:31:34,863
And to be honest,
it's worked out pretty well for me so far.
1529
01:31:35,740 --> 01:31:37,532
Up until about 24 hours ago...
1530
01:31:37,700 --> 01:31:40,577
...when my selfishness
finally caught up with me...
1531
01:31:40,745 --> 01:31:45,040
...and cost me Dan's friendship
and my invitation to this wedding.
1532
01:31:45,917 --> 01:31:50,337
Still, I shrugged it off
and went out last night anyway.
1533
01:31:50,505 --> 01:31:53,840
I'm not gonna bore you,
but the long and short of it is, I got drunk...
1534
01:31:54,342 --> 01:31:57,010
...and ended the night
sprinting across the hotel lobby...
1535
01:31:57,178 --> 01:31:58,845
...uncontrollably shitting my pants.
1536
01:32:02,266 --> 01:32:05,268
Ha-ha. No, really,
I crapped all over the lobby.
1537
01:32:05,436 --> 01:32:07,896
And continuing
with my selfish behavior...
1538
01:32:08,064 --> 01:32:11,900
...I left my mess, went back to my hotel
room and acted like nothing happened.
1539
01:32:12,860 --> 01:32:17,280
The only thing that kept me from
passing out in a pile of my own puke...
1540
01:32:17,448 --> 01:32:19,199
...was all the knocking at the door.
1541
01:32:25,206 --> 01:32:31,711
Staring into her angry, overworked face,
I had a moment of clarity.
1542
01:32:34,257 --> 01:32:37,884
Someone else
always cleans up my mess.
1543
01:32:38,386 --> 01:32:41,221
And for the past few years,
that person has been Dan.
1544
01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:47,310
At 3 in the morning,
down on my knees...
1545
01:32:47,478 --> 01:32:52,899
...literally cleaning up my own shit
for the first time in my adult life...
1546
01:32:53,067 --> 01:32:56,820
...I finally understood
what an amazing person Dan is...
1547
01:32:56,988 --> 01:32:59,489
...and how lucky I am...
1548
01:33:00,658 --> 01:33:05,036
...or was, to call him my friend.
1549
01:33:06,581 --> 01:33:09,958
Dan, Kristy.
1550
01:33:14,755 --> 01:33:17,549
When I came to your hotel room last night
to say I'm sorry...
1551
01:33:17,717 --> 01:33:20,510
...I honestly didn't understand
what I was apologizing for.
1552
01:33:20,678 --> 01:33:24,848
But in the last 24 hours, it's hit me.
1553
01:33:25,016 --> 01:33:29,352
It's hit me
like 10 pounds of slippery shit.
1554
01:33:33,190 --> 01:33:34,858
I've been a terrible friend.
1555
01:33:36,152 --> 01:33:39,279
And even though I probably don't deserve
either of you in my life...
1556
01:33:39,447 --> 01:33:43,158
...I had to come down here and tell you that
and ask for your forgiveness.
1557
01:33:43,326 --> 01:33:46,494
And I hope you will accept
my sincere apology.
1558
01:33:48,706 --> 01:33:50,373
Now...
1559
01:33:51,584 --> 01:33:55,170
I know that this is probably gonna scare
the crap out of most of you...
1560
01:33:55,338 --> 01:33:59,049
...but I hope to have kids someday.
1561
01:33:59,383 --> 01:34:02,886
And I'm sure
that I will only have daughters...
1562
01:34:03,054 --> 01:34:06,389
...and they will all be vicious sluts
who sleep with assholes like me...
1563
01:34:06,557 --> 01:34:09,893
...and throw back it in my face.
But such is karma.
1564
01:34:10,269 --> 01:34:12,771
If one is a boy, though...
1565
01:34:12,938 --> 01:34:16,066
...I would consider myself
a huge success as a father...
1566
01:34:16,233 --> 01:34:19,069
...if he grew up to be half the man
Dan is right now.
1567
01:34:21,697 --> 01:34:23,990
That's so sweet.
1568
01:34:24,533 --> 01:34:25,992
Strippers.
1569
01:34:26,869 --> 01:34:27,994
Dan.
1570
01:34:33,376 --> 01:34:34,668
I never thanked you...
1571
01:34:36,962 --> 01:34:38,588
...never acknowledged you...
1572
01:34:40,132 --> 01:34:43,218
...never even really thought about it.
I just took from you, dude.
1573
01:34:48,265 --> 01:34:49,766
I'm really sorry.
1574
01:35:09,620 --> 01:35:12,580
So for once,
I want to give you something back.
1575
01:35:12,748 --> 01:35:14,666
No.
Here we go, follow me.
1576
01:35:14,834 --> 01:35:16,960
Let's go. Get up.
1577
01:35:17,128 --> 01:35:20,672
Wedding's going outside.
You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.
1578
01:35:23,134 --> 01:35:24,926
You're gonna love it.
1579
01:35:25,094 --> 01:35:27,387
Here we go. Come on, come on.
1580
01:35:27,555 --> 01:35:31,182
Where do you want to be?
1581
01:35:33,102 --> 01:35:36,604
Because now you're trying
To pick a fight
1582
01:35:36,856 --> 01:35:39,482
With everyone you need
1583
01:35:39,692 --> 01:35:42,652
Yeah. Yeah.
1584
01:35:45,114 --> 01:35:47,407
Get it. Go get it.
1585
01:35:48,075 --> 01:35:51,953
Who's lost his composure
1586
01:36:00,004 --> 01:36:05,175
In no man's land
No one's to blame
1587
01:36:05,634 --> 01:36:07,844
See the world
1588
01:36:08,345 --> 01:36:12,682
Find an old-fashioned girl
1589
01:36:13,392 --> 01:36:17,562
And when all's
Been said and done
1590
01:36:19,106 --> 01:36:22,984
It's the things
That are given, not won
1591
01:36:23,152 --> 01:36:25,111
Are the things
That you earned
1592
01:36:34,038 --> 01:36:37,832
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1593
01:36:38,375 --> 01:36:39,959
All right, it's open.
1594
01:36:44,673 --> 01:36:47,425
With nothing
Of significance
1595
01:36:47,760 --> 01:36:51,054
Besides a shadow of a dream
1596
01:36:58,979 --> 01:37:00,021
Three!
1597
01:37:00,397 --> 01:37:04,984
You're worn out
A bit broken
1598
01:37:05,152 --> 01:37:07,362
Asking me
1599
01:37:07,530 --> 01:37:11,533
Time and time again
1600
01:37:11,700 --> 01:37:16,913
And the answer's
Still the same
1601
01:37:17,081 --> 01:37:19,415
See the world
1602
01:37:19,583 --> 01:37:24,170
Find an old-fashioned girl
1603
01:37:26,382 --> 01:37:30,218
Tucker, I gotta say, when you
came in here, I almost died.
1604
01:37:30,386 --> 01:37:32,512
I didn't know what you
were gonna do.
1605
01:37:32,680 --> 01:37:34,430
That speech was really good.
1606
01:37:34,598 --> 01:37:36,683
Thank you. You guys deserve it.
1607
01:37:37,434 --> 01:37:38,434
Yeah, we did.
1608
01:37:40,271 --> 01:37:42,021
Come here.
1609
01:37:42,189 --> 01:37:43,857
Congratulations.
1610
01:37:44,024 --> 01:37:46,150
Weddings are gay.
- Thank you.
1611
01:37:46,318 --> 01:37:50,196
You're welcome.
I am going to go check on the guests.
1612
01:38:02,251 --> 01:38:05,003
Well, I'm gonna go check on Jack.
1613
01:38:06,088 --> 01:38:07,714
Bye.
1614
01:38:09,133 --> 01:38:12,051
All right, you really fucked a midget?
1615
01:38:17,099 --> 01:38:18,391
Oh, yeah.
1616
01:38:18,559 --> 01:38:22,186
When she's riding you,
can you spin her like a top?
1617
01:38:22,354 --> 01:38:25,773
Dude, I tried, but her vagina's too shallow.
The physics were all wrong.
1618
01:38:26,650 --> 01:38:28,943
Did you really shit the lobby?
Oh, yeah.
1619
01:38:29,111 --> 01:38:31,154
Did you really clean it up?
1620
01:38:31,322 --> 01:38:33,990
Well, the janitor did show up
with the mop and the bucket.
1621
01:38:34,158 --> 01:38:37,160
You guys have known me for many years.
What do you think Tucker would do?
1622
01:38:58,349 --> 01:39:01,309
I knew it.
You don't even do your own laundry.
1623
01:39:01,477 --> 01:39:04,145
Un-fucking-believable, bro.
You didn't clean it up.
1624
01:39:04,313 --> 01:39:07,690
You show up at my wedding,
pour out your heart, and it's all bullshit.
1625
01:39:07,858 --> 01:39:08,900
It's not all bullshit.
1626
01:39:09,068 --> 01:39:12,111
I don't need to actually clean up
the mess to learn the lesson.
1627
01:39:12,279 --> 01:39:15,740
I don't even know why
this shocks me anymore.
1628
01:39:15,991 --> 01:39:17,784
Oh, dude.
1629
01:39:22,998 --> 01:39:24,457
I'll be right back.
1630
01:39:26,877 --> 01:39:29,045
Whoa, whoa, whoa, careful.
1631
01:39:30,923 --> 01:39:32,548
Watch your step.
1632
01:39:32,716 --> 01:39:35,051
I'm gonna swipe
Your identity
1633
01:39:35,219 --> 01:39:37,261
Take pure love and
Turn it into obscenity
1634
01:39:37,429 --> 01:39:39,430
That's my cousin.
1635
01:39:41,600 --> 01:39:44,727
You say that
I don't care about
1636
01:39:44,895 --> 01:39:48,690
All the little things
That you care about
1637
01:39:48,857 --> 01:39:52,318
Oh, you think that
I don't care about
1638
01:39:52,486 --> 01:39:55,863
All the little things
That make you wanna shout
1639
01:39:56,031 --> 01:39:57,991
Ah, me, me, me, me
1640
01:39:58,158 --> 01:40:00,451
Is all you say
That I care about
1641
01:40:00,619 --> 01:40:01,911
Me, me, me, me
1642
01:40:02,079 --> 01:40:04,163
Is all I ever
Wanna talk about
1643
01:40:04,331 --> 01:40:05,623
Me, me, me, me
1644
01:40:05,791 --> 01:40:07,959
Is what you think
That I care about
1645
01:40:08,127 --> 01:40:09,544
Me, me, me, me
1646
01:40:09,712 --> 01:40:11,921
Is all I really
Wanna talk about
1647
01:40:23,934 --> 01:40:26,144
I'll steal your soul
1648
01:40:27,896 --> 01:40:30,732
Put you in a club
In Cleveland
1649
01:40:40,325 --> 01:40:44,037
Well, I'm a portal into
Blue-collar human psychology
1650
01:40:44,204 --> 01:40:47,790
I need a fix
I don't need no apology
1651
01:40:47,958 --> 01:40:51,502
And all the kids
On the street
1652
01:40:51,670 --> 01:40:53,463
They think
I'm neat, neat, neat
1653
01:40:53,630 --> 01:40:56,215
Neat, neat, well
1654
01:40:57,634 --> 01:40:59,052
Ah, me, me, me, me
1655
01:40:59,219 --> 01:41:01,471
Is all you think
That I care about
1656
01:41:01,638 --> 01:41:02,638
Me, me, me, me
1657
01:41:02,806 --> 01:41:05,224
Is all I ever
Wanna talk about
1658
01:41:05,392 --> 01:41:06,684
Me, me, me, me
1659
01:41:06,852 --> 01:41:09,020
Is what you think
That I care about
1660
01:41:09,188 --> 01:41:10,396
Me, me, me, me
1661
01:41:10,564 --> 01:41:13,608
Is all I ever
Wanna talk about
1662
01:41:34,004 --> 01:41:35,755
Who's your daddy?
1663
01:42:16,213 --> 01:42:18,548
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1664
01:42:18,715 --> 01:42:20,967
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1665
01:42:21,135 --> 01:42:23,219
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1666
01:42:23,387 --> 01:42:24,971
And help make a revolution
1667
01:42:25,139 --> 01:42:27,640
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1668
01:42:27,808 --> 01:42:29,767
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1669
01:42:29,935 --> 01:42:31,894
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1670
01:42:32,062 --> 01:42:33,688
And maybe make a revolution
1671
01:42:33,856 --> 01:42:35,731
Now this thing fittin'
To end in fisticuffs
1672
01:42:35,899 --> 01:42:37,859
But if you gots to go 'head
Twist it up
1673
01:42:38,026 --> 01:42:40,027
That's your job fittin'
Make you piss in cups
1674
01:42:40,195 --> 01:42:42,155
Make you have to hustle rent
With your pistols up
1675
01:42:42,322 --> 01:42:44,407
Now if Uncle Sam promisin'
His murder gang
1676
01:42:44,575 --> 01:42:46,701
We goin' to rise out this ash
Like that bird of flame
1677
01:42:46,869 --> 01:42:48,870
Hopin' you take action
From the word I bring
1678
01:42:49,037 --> 01:42:51,080
But if the police ask
You never heard my name
1679
01:42:51,248 --> 01:42:53,207
Five years old
Eyelids half-mast
1680
01:42:53,375 --> 01:42:55,251
Bedtime is 8 p.m.
It's half-past
1681
01:42:55,419 --> 01:42:57,336
Try to take me to bed
I make the mad dash
1682
01:42:57,504 --> 01:42:59,589
Scared in my sleep
I miss what had passed
1683
01:42:59,756 --> 01:43:01,799
Quarter century later
I'm still not sleepin'
1684
01:43:01,967 --> 01:43:03,843
If I'm not involved
I feel I ain't breathin'
1685
01:43:04,011 --> 01:43:06,095
If I can't change the world
I ain't leavin', baby
1686
01:43:06,263 --> 01:43:08,514
That's the same reason you
Should call me this evening
1687
01:43:08,682 --> 01:43:10,600
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1688
01:43:10,767 --> 01:43:12,685
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1689
01:43:12,853 --> 01:43:14,979
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1690
01:43:15,147 --> 01:43:16,939
And help make a revolution
1691
01:43:17,107 --> 01:43:19,275
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1692
01:43:19,443 --> 01:43:21,277
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1693
01:43:21,445 --> 01:43:23,404
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1694
01:43:23,572 --> 01:43:25,031
And maybe make a revolution
1695
01:43:25,199 --> 01:43:27,158
I'm fittin' to take shots
That make a mark
1696
01:43:27,326 --> 01:43:29,452
Not just take shots
That's how they make us marks
1697
01:43:29,620 --> 01:43:31,662
We gotta try see
The whole system break apart
1698
01:43:31,830 --> 01:43:33,915
We fittin' to drive to
The lake before we start
1699
01:43:34,082 --> 01:43:36,209
Here's a club smelling like
Sweat, rum and perfume
1700
01:43:36,376 --> 01:43:38,586
She lettin' out whoops
'Cause they playin' her tune
1701
01:43:38,754 --> 01:43:40,796
If we could, we would stay
Here till it turned noon
1702
01:43:40,964 --> 01:43:42,465
Till the sky
We exist and resume
1703
01:43:42,633 --> 01:43:44,592
It's millenium three
We collared and cuffed
1704
01:43:44,760 --> 01:43:46,802
It's a real conversation
I'm hollerin' stuff
1705
01:43:46,970 --> 01:43:49,138
We done wallowed in muck
And squalor enough
1706
01:43:49,306 --> 01:43:50,848
Who's the culprit?
Follow the buck
1707
01:43:51,016 --> 01:43:52,767
I'm just followin' up
'Cause like me
1708
01:43:52,935 --> 01:43:54,310
You gots to be
In the middle of it
1709
01:43:54,478 --> 01:43:55,978
Unravellin'
The riddle of it
1710
01:43:56,146 --> 01:43:58,105
To do that you got to ride
On the powers that be
1711
01:43:58,273 --> 01:44:00,149
I'm fittin' to ride
With you, take me home
1712
01:44:00,317 --> 01:44:02,276
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1713
01:44:02,444 --> 01:44:04,320
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1714
01:44:04,488 --> 01:44:06,530
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1715
01:44:06,698 --> 01:44:08,449
And help make a revolution
1716
01:44:08,617 --> 01:44:10,952
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1717
01:44:11,119 --> 01:44:12,995
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1718
01:44:13,163 --> 01:44:15,248
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1719
01:44:15,415 --> 01:44:17,166
And maybe make a revolution
That's right
1720
01:44:17,334 --> 01:44:19,585
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
1721
01:44:19,753 --> 01:44:21,754
I'm not just jam chosen
1722
01:44:21,922 --> 01:44:23,881
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
1723
01:44:24,049 --> 01:44:25,341
We up against the wall
1724
01:44:25,509 --> 01:44:28,135
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
1725
01:44:28,303 --> 01:44:29,971
We can't just talk about it
1726
01:44:30,138 --> 01:44:32,390
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
1727
01:44:32,557 --> 01:44:34,392
Get all up in it now
1728
01:44:34,559 --> 01:44:36,894
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1729
01:44:37,062 --> 01:44:38,896
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1730
01:44:39,064 --> 01:44:41,357
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1731
01:44:41,525 --> 01:44:43,025
And help make a revolution
1732
01:44:43,193 --> 01:44:45,611
I'm here to laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1733
01:44:45,779 --> 01:44:47,530
And help the damn revolution
Come quicker
1734
01:44:47,698 --> 01:44:49,907
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1735
01:44:50,075 --> 01:44:52,201
And maybe make a revolution
That's right
1736
01:44:52,369 --> 01:44:54,829
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1737
01:44:54,997 --> 01:44:56,205
That's right
1738
01:44:56,373 --> 01:44:59,292
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1739
01:44:59,459 --> 01:45:00,751
That's right
1740
01:45:00,919 --> 01:45:03,504
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1741
01:45:03,672 --> 01:45:04,839
That's right
1742
01:45:05,007 --> 01:45:08,092
Laugh, love
Fuck, and drink liquor
1743
01:45:08,260 --> 01:45:09,760
That's right
137181
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