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00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:10,210
HELLO, AND WELCOME BACK TO
THE OSCARS RED CARPET PRESHOW.
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00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:16,583
I'M THE MAN INSIDE YOUR HOTEL
TV WHO TELLS YOU WHAT THE MOVIES
ARE, MARIO LOPEZ.
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00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:22,789
AND I'M EITHER MARIA MENOUNOS
OR KIT HOOVER.
THEY HAVEN'T TOLD ME YET.
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00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:30,063
AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO WATCH THE
95th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS
SPONSORED BY OZEMPIC.
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00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:39,773
AND WE'RE SO EXCITED TO HAVE
BEEN STANDING OUTSIDE THE DOGBY
THEATER FOR ALMOST 153 HOURS.
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00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:44,611
WE HAVE NOT SLEPT OR USED THE
BATHROOM.
OUR ONLY FOOD IS A HANDFUL OF
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00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:52,619
SARDINES THEY THROW AT US.
BUT IT'S ALL WORTH IT TO ASK
ANGELA BASSETT IF SHE REALLY DID
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00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:55,555
THE THING.
OOPS.
WE ALMOST FORGOT, EVERY 30
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00:00:55,555 --> 00:01:00,060
SECONDS, WE HAVE TO DO A FEW
AWKWARD PAN-DOWNS TO WOMEN'S
FEET.
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00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:07,167
HERE WE GO.
**
EVERYONE NEEDED TO SEE THAT.
11
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:12,439
NOW LAST YEAR'S OSCARS HAD
THE SLAP, WHICH IS AWESOME -- I
MEAN BAD, SO BAD.
12
00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:21,681
WE HATED ALL THE ATTENTION.
SO THIS YEAR, TO MAKE SURE
NOTHING CRAZY HAPPENS, THE
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00:01:21,681 --> 00:01:28,355
ACADEMY HIRED A NEW HEAD OF
SECURITY NOTORIOUSLY CALM AND
SANE PERSON, MIKE TYSON.
14
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,090
THANK YOU.
MY GOODNESS.
OH, WOW.
15
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:35,795
THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
THAT'S SO NICE OF Y'ALL.
16
00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:42,769
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I AM READY TO HANDLE THE
PROCEEDINGS JUDICIOUSLY AND EXPO
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00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:46,406
DISHSLY.
THE FOLLOWING THINGS WILL SET ME
OFF.
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00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:52,979
CLAPPING, STATUES OF GOLD
PEOPLE, AND SHOWS THAT LAST MORE
THAN TWO HOURS, AND ALSO HEARING
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00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:59,953
THE PHRASE, THE MAGIC OF MOVIES.
ARE THERE ANY NEW SECURITY
MEASURES IN PLACE?
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00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:05,091
THANK YOU FOR THAT QUESTION.
THIS YEAR, ALL THE NOMINEES HAVE
BEEN GIVEN TASERS.
21
00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:14,134
ALL THE SEAT FILLERS HAVE BEEN
GIVEN GUNS, AND JIMMY KIMMEL HAS
BEEN GIVEN A FLAME THROWER.
22
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:18,738
AND NOT THAT WE'RE HOPING FOR
THIS, BUT ARE YOU WORRIED WILL
SMITH IS PLANNING A SECOND
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00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:22,342
ATTACK?
YES.
WE ARE PLANNING THAT THREAT VERY
24
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:26,713
SERIOUSLY.
LUCKILY, WE WERE ABLE TO SLIP
ONE OF THOSE APPLE AIR TAGS INTO
25
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:32,085
WILL SMITH'S POCKET.
SO WE KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE WILL
BE AT ALL TIMES UNLESS HE
26
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:37,590
CHANGES HIS PANTS.
STAY FROSTY, EVERYBODY.
UH-OH, I'M LEGIT SCARED.
27
00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:43,630
AND NOW, OF COURSE, THE SHOW
HAS FACED A LOT OF COMPLAINTS
ABOUT A LACK OF DIVERSITY.
28
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:49,602
BUT REMEMBER, OSCAR TURNS 95
THIS YEAR.
SO IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW
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00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:56,609
RACIST AND SEXIST YOUR GRANDPA
WAS AT 95, OSCAR'S LOOKING
PRETTY DARN GOOD.
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00:02:56,609 --> 00:03:02,315
SPEAKING OF LOOKING GOOD,
IT'S FIRST TIME NOMINEE FOR BEST
SUPPORTING ACTRESS, JAMIE LEE
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00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:07,787
CURTIS.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW GREAT
IS THIS?
32
00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:15,228
I SOLD YOGURT THAT MADE YOU
POOP, AND NOW I'M NOMINATED!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
33
00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:20,934
NOW, YOU HAVE BEEN
REFRESHINGLY DOWN TO EARTH THIS
WHOLE AWARDS SEASON.
34
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:28,508
WHO ARE YOU WEARING TONIGHT?
KIRKLAND BY COSTCO.
JAMIE, YOU'VE ALSO BEEN SO
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00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:34,914
VOCALLY SUPPORTIVE OF ALL YOUR
FELLOW NOMINEES.
WELL, BECAUSE THESE ACTRESSES
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00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:38,818
RULE!
CATE BLANCHETT, ARE YOU KIDDING
ME?
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00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:42,122
SHE IS SO -- AM I ALLOWED TO
CURSE?
NO.
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00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:56,636
SHE IS SO -- HOT.
AND TAR, OH, MY GOD, TAR WAS
ICONIC, VIVACIOUS, QUEER, VAGUE,
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00:03:56,636 --> 00:04:03,910
CONFUSING, LONG, PARTIALLY IN
GERMAN, AND IT WAS HANDS DOWN
THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.
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00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:14,054
AND CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING IN.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA.
WHAT ARIANA DeBOSE DID AT THE
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00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:19,859
BAFTAS WAS FUN.
IT WAS BY FAR THE BEST RAP
PERFORMANCE I'VE SEEN ALL YEAR.
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00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:22,962
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK, AND HAVE FUN
TONIGHT.
43
00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:27,100
OH, NO.
I'M ON MY WAY HOME.
IT'S WAY PAST MOMMY'S BEDTIME.
44
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:35,075
OH, I JUST LOVE HER.
NOW, ONE GROUP THAT DOESN'T
TRADITIONALLY WATCH THE OSCARS
45
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:41,181
ARE DEGENERATE GAMBLERS, AND
THAT'S WHY THIS YEAR, WE'RE
PARTNERING WITH DRAFTKINGS.
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00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:46,353
WHAT'S THE LATEST UPDATE,
FELLAS?
WELL, HERE ARE SOME OF THE
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00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:53,727
LATEST BETTING LINES.
THREE TO ONE ODDS THAT A YOUNG
ACTOR BRINGS OUT AN OLD ACTOR IN
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00:04:53,727 --> 00:05:01,167
A WHEELCHAIR AND REGRETS IT
IMMEDIATELY.
AND TEN TO ONE THAT SOMEONE
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00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:05,472
IN THE END MEMORIAM IS STILL
ALIVE.
WE'RE ALSO SEEING A LOT OF
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00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:09,509
MOVEMENT IN THE WHO'S GOING TO
MAKE A SURPRISE APPEARANCE POLL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
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00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:18,752
SOME OF THE FAVORITE LONG SHOT
PICK SOS FAR ARE CHRIS ROCK,
JARED FROM SUBWAY, ARMIE HAMMER,
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00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:26,059
THE JUDGES THAT OVERTURNED ROE V
WADE, GEORGE SANTOS PRETENDING
TO BE TOM CRUISE.
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00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:30,063
TO BE TOM CRUISE.
AND HARVEY WEINSTEIN INTRODUCES
KANYE WEST.
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00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:37,203
A GIRL CAN DREAM.
BUT HOLD THAT THOUGHT BECAUSE
I'M TOLD WE HAVE THE STARS OF
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00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:47,781
THE BANSHEES COLIN FARRELL AND
BRENDAN DEGREESON.
HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE YOUR
56
00:05:47,781 --> 00:06:10,437
CHANCES TONIGHT?
YOU KNOW, WORDS FOR TROOPS IN
THE BAY.
57
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:13,840
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]
WOW.
AND THEY HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED
58
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:18,345
DRINKING YET.
AND THIS IS SO EXCITING.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE MICHELLE
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00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:22,682
WILLIAMS.
CLOSE.
IT'S MICHELLE WILLIAMS' JEWISH
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00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:27,954
ACTING COACH FOR THE FABLEMANS.
HELLO.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE EVEN
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00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:35,061
THOUGH MY HAIR IS -- BUT, I'M
HERE.
SO WAS THE FABLEMAN'S YOUR
62
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:39,933
FIRST HOLLYWOOD PROJECT?
OH, SWEETIE, NO.
I WAS ALSO THAT JEWISH ACTING
63
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:50,510
COACH FOR MARVELOUS MISS MAISEL,
AND WEIRDLY FOR AVATAR.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTO.
64
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:54,848
AND HOW DID YOU THINK THAT
MICHELLE'S PERFORMANCE TURNED
OUT?
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00:06:54,848 --> 00:07:02,589
OH, SHE WAS AMAZING.
AND IF I CLOSE MY EYES AND EARS,
I THINK SHE IS JEWISH.
66
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:09,596
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO GO FIND MY ACTING COACH,
CHUCK SCHUMER.
67
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,731
WOW, I LOVED GETTING THAT
INCITE.
AND FINALLY, THIS IS A
68
00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:15,568
SURPRISE, BUT WE ARE JOINED BY
THE ONE AND ONLY TOM CRUISE.
HELLO.
69
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:22,609
HI.
HI.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
70
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:27,681
IT'S TOM CRUISE HERE.
WONDERFUL TO BE HERE.
OH, MY GOD.
71
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:32,719
IT'S GEORGE SANTOS.
NO, NO.
I'M DEFINITELY THOMAS Q. CRUISE.
72
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:41,428
STAR OF THIS YEAR'S BLOCK BUSTER
FILM "TOP GUN" 2, TOP BOTTOM.
GEORGE, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING
73
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,931
ANYONE.
YEAH.
EXCEPT I DID, AND NOW I'M IN
74
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:49,602
CONGRESS.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO GO BE EVERYONE EVERYWHERE ALL
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00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:53,406
AT ONCE.
OKAY.
HE'S A HOOT.
76
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:59,112
HE'S A HOOT.
NOW, LET'S TAKE A QUICK
BREAK, AND WHEN WE RETURN, WE'LL
77
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:07,454
BE TALKING WITH PINOCCHIO.
I'M GOING TO SCARE SO MANY
KIDS.
78
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:11,524
KIDS.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
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00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,769
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH
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00:09:25,665 --> 00:10:04,270
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- THE 1975.
81
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:12,645
AND YOUR HOST, JENNA ORTEGA.
82
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:40,306
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.
83
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:52,585
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
MY NAME IS JENNA ORTEGA.
I'M 20 YEARS OLD, WHICH MAKES ME
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00:10:52,585 --> 00:11:00,593
THE YOUNGEST HOST THIS SEASON.
I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN ACTING
SINCE I WAS SEVEN WHEN MY MOM
85
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:10,804
PUT ME ON FACEBOOK.
I WAS IN "WEDNESDAY ", "X" AND
NOW "SCREAM 6."
86
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:15,442
A LOT OF PEOPLE ASSUME I AM DARK
AND TWISTED BECAUSE OF THESE
ROLES I PLAY.
87
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:21,514
I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.
I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
ABOUT MY FACE WHEN PEOPLE SEE
88
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:27,354
IT, THEY'RE LIKE LET'S THROW
BLOOD ON THAT.
BUT I WASN'T ALWAYS IN HORROR
89
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:32,759
FILMS.
MY FIRST ACTING ROLE WAS IN A
COLGATE TOOTH PASTE COMMERCIAL
90
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:36,763
WHEN I WAS NINE.
WANT TO CATCH THOSE LITTLE
NASTIES, YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE
91
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:46,106
GERMS THAT HIDE IN YOUR MOUTH?
I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE
NASTIES.
92
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:50,477
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I AM STILL THAT EXACT SAME
GIRL.
93
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:55,782
SAME ONE.
IT'S JUST THAT SCARY MUSIC AND
EDITING CAN MAKE ANYTHING SEEM
94
00:11:55,782 --> 00:12:02,088
LIKE A HORROR FILM.
WATCH.
WANT TO HELP ME CATCH AN
95
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:06,793
INVISIBLE GERM?
I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE
NASTIES.
96
00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:16,970
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I LOVE HORROR MOVIES, BUT
HONESTLY, I DON'T GET SCARED
97
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:24,110
VERY EASILY.
PART OF THE REASON I WANTED TO
HOST SNL IS I WANTED TO FACE MY
98
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,647
BIGGEST PEER.
HAPPY EXTROVERTED PEOPLE ALWAYS
TRYING TO PERFORM.
99
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:31,184
EVERYONE HERE HAS BEEN SO KIND,
AND THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A DREAM
COME TRUE.
100
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:42,762
I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF FRIENDS
TONIGHT, INCLUDING ONE OF MY
COSTARS FROM "WEDNESDAY", FRED
101
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:47,701
ARMISON.
DON'T LET ME DISTRACT YOU.
I'M JUST HERE TO WATCH WITH
102
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:52,739
THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE BELOW ME.
DID YOU WANT TO COME UP AND
JOIN ME ON STAGE?
103
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:56,543
ME, GO UP THERE IN FRONT OF
THE CAMERAS?
I COULD NEVER.
104
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,912
I'M SORRY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
FINE, I WILL.
105
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:06,486
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOW.
SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO
106
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:12,058
BE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
YOU WERE ON THE SHOW FOR 11
SEASONS.
107
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:18,064
THAT'S SWEET.
THANK YOU.
SERIOUSLY, FRED, I AM SO
108
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:24,504
HONORED THAT YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE THE REASON I STARTED
WATCHING SNL ACTUALLY.
109
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:29,509
MY FAVORITE SKETCH OF ALL TIME
IS THE CALIFORNIANS.
THANKS, JENNA.
110
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:34,681
THAT'S SO NICE.
YOU KNOW, THE ORIGINAL IDEA CAME
TO ME BECAUSE I WAS GIVING
111
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,384
DIRECTIONS --
WE FIGURED IT WAS SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
112
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:42,188
IT'S ALL GOOD.
THANK YOU, FRED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
113
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:48,395
LIKE I SAID, THIS FEELS LIKE A
DREAM.
WHEN I WAS A KID, I WASN'T OLD
114
00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:54,267
ENOUGH TO WATCH SNL YET, SO I
TOOK A TOUR OF THE SNL STUDIO
WITH MY PARENTS LIKE SIX YEARS
115
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:59,673
AGO, AND THEY SAID, MAN,
WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING IF YOU
HOSTED SOME DAY, AND IT SEEMED
116
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:06,046
IMPOSSIBLE THEN, BUT NOW I'M
HERE TONIGHT, AND MY PARENTS ARE
IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THEY GET TO
117
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:09,749
HERE TONIGHT, AND MY PARENTS ARE
IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THEY GET TO
HEAR ME SAY WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
118
00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:12,252
WE|LL BE BACK
119
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:29,936
WELCOME EVERYBODY TO SCHOOL
VERSUS SCHOOL WHERE TEACHERS
120
00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:35,075
TEAM UP WITH THEIR STAR STUDENTS
TO WIN BIG BUCKS.
I'M YOUR HOST JAY McCORMICK.
121
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:41,348
I WAS THE KEY WITNESS IN A
HARASSMENT TRIAL OF THIS SHOW'S
COVID REPRESENTATIVE WHO SWABBED
122
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:49,089
MY ANUS IN LIEU OF MY NOSE EVERY
DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, BUT THAT'S
ALL IN THE PAST NOW, SO LET'S
123
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:56,429
MEET OUR TEAMS.
FROM WEST GROVE HIGH IN NEW
JERSEY, TEACHER SHEILA CASHMAN
124
00:14:56,429 --> 00:15:04,537
AND HER STUDENTS GABE AND MANNY.
I'M TOLD YOUR SCHOOL HAS ONE OF
THE BEST SCIENCE DEPARTMENTS IN
125
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:08,041
THE COUNTRY.
YES, AND YOU CAN SAY IT'S A
PLUS.
126
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:15,715
YEAH, THAT'S CUTE.
NOW LET'S MEET THEIR OPPONENTS
FROM PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY
127
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:26,326
FOR EXTRAORDINARY CHILDREN,
PROFESSOR CHANDLISS ZANDER AND
HIS STUDENTS ZENA AND KNOCKOUT.
128
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:34,501
IT SAYS HERE THAT YOUR SCHOOL IS
A 100 ROOM VICTORIAN MANSION
LOCATED WITHIN A 10,000 ACRE
129
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:40,173
PRIVATE FOREST.
THAT IS CORRECT.
WE NEED AMPLE SPACE IN WHICH TO
130
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:47,313
TRAIN OUR STUDENTS TO HARNESS
THEIR INCREDIBLE GIFTS.
IF MY GIFTS ARE SO
131
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:51,351
INCREDIBLE, THEN WHY WON'T YOU
LET ME USE THEM?
BECAUSE YOU CANNOT YET
132
00:15:51,351 --> 00:16:01,828
CONTROL THEM, CHILD!
OKEYDOKEY.
LET'S JUST GET TO THE GAME.
133
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:05,765
ARE WE FEELING CONFIDENT TEAM
SNS.
HECK YEAH.
134
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:13,740
PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY,
YOU'RE GOING DOWN.
WE COULD ENSLAVE YOU!
135
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,943
NO!
WELL, THAT'S FUN.
ALL RIGHT.
136
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:22,882
FIRST QUESTION GETS CONTROL OF
THE BOARD.
NAME FOR A RANDOM MODIFICATION
137
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:27,854
OF DNA FROM PARENT TO OFFSPRING.
ZENA.
MUTATION.
138
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:32,292
CORRECT.
OH, YES, MUTATION IS A TOPIC
IN WHICH WE ARE WELL-VERSED.
139
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:36,363
IT'S WHY THEY HATE US.
ZENA.
THEY THINK WE'RE FREAKS!
140
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:44,571
ENOUGH, CHILD!
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, ZENA, YOU HAVE A CHANCE
141
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:51,077
FOR EXTRA CREDIT.
THE SUBJECT IS ENGLISH LIT.
HOW'S YOUR SCHOOL'S ENGLISH
142
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:56,883
DEPARTMENT?
OUR CURRICULUM FOCUSES MORE
ON HARNESSING OUR STUDENTS'
143
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,718
ABILITIES.
YOU ALWAYS DOUBT ME.
ASK YOUR QUESTION.
144
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:10,697
OKAY THEN.
TO BE OR NOT TO BE IS SPOKEN BY
WHICH SHAKESPEARIAN PROTAGONIST?
145
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:14,401
TOBY.
WRONG.
I FAILED!
146
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:18,405
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ALL
THINKING?
THE FREAK FAILED?
147
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:26,046
NO, I PROMISE YOU, SWEETIE.
NO ONE IS THINKING THAT.
OH, YOU LIE, YOU PATHETIC
148
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:32,052
HUMAN!
ZENA, NO, YOU COULD KILL HER!
HEY, ALL RIGHT.
149
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:36,923
HEY!
NOW, I JUST GOT BLASTED AND HIT
IN THE FACE WITH WHAT I CAN ONLY
150
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:43,897
DESCRIBE AS ELECTRIC WIND.
BUT SINCE NO POINTS WERE
AWARDED, CONTROL NOW GOES OVER
151
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:49,703
TO WEST GROVE HIGH WHO ARE YET
TO GET ON THE BOARD.
ALL RIGHT, WEST GROVE, HERE'S
152
00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:55,608
YOUR QUESTION.
NAME THE TRIANGLE WHICH HAS
THREE SIDES EQUAL OF LENGTH.
153
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,878
I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
WRONG WITH OUR TEACHER.
OKAY.
154
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:11,624
NO POINTS THERE.
CONTROL BACK TO PROFESSOR
ZANDER'S SCHOOL I GUESS.
155
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,928
LET ME INTO YOUR MIND.
I CAN FIGURE IT OUT ON MY
OWN!
156
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:25,672
I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, ZENA!
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
STOP FIGHTING!
157
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:35,048
GET ON OUT OF HERE.
WE WERE LOOKING FOR EQUAL
LATERAL TRIANGLE.
158
00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:38,718
I SHOULDN'T BE HERE!
I SHOULD BE ON THE TEAM USING MY
POWERS.
159
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:42,689
YOU ARE NOT READY, CHILD!
ALL RIGHT.
WE JUST GOING TO TAKE A BREAK,
160
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:47,761
LET THINGS CALM DOWN AND SEE IF
WE CAN GET THAT LADY'S BRAIN
BACK ONLINE.
161
00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:54,901
THIS IS JAY McCORMICK REMINDING
YOU THAT COVID SWABS GO IN THE
NOSE AND NOT THE KEISTER.
162
00:18:54,901 --> 00:19:02,809
FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME EVERY DAY FOR FIVE
MONTHS, SHAME ON ME.
163
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:06,012
FOOL ME EVERY DAY FOR FIVE
MONTHS, SHAME ON ME.
KEEP IT RIGHT HERE.
164
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:17,023
JOBS, AND DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I'M REALLY, REALLY GRATEFUL.
I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE
165
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,759
BURNT OUT.
THAT SUCKS.
MARK, ARE YOU READY WITH THE
166
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:26,433
PLAY LIST?
AND I GOT THE SLURPIES!
DUDE, NICE.
167
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,468
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WE'RE GOING ON A BEAUTIFUL
CROSS-COUNTRY AMERICAN ROAD
168
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,905
TRIP.
JUST US AND THE OPEN ROAD.
GOING TO BE AWESOME.
169
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:38,378
WAIT, CAN I COME?
**
* HIT THE OPEN ROAD AND CATCH A
170
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:46,219
RIDE, ARMS GETTING TAN ON THE
SUNNY SIDE *
* I'M ON THE WHEEL, I'M ON NAV,
171
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,621
I'M ON SNACKS *
* AND JENNA'S JOB IS TO JUST
RELAX ON A ROAD TRIP, A GREAT
172
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:58,431
AMERICAN ROAD TRIP *
* WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP,
GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, HEY, OH *
173
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:02,268
* ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS TO CLEAR
YOUR --
WE MISSED THE EXIT.
174
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:06,006
RECALCULATE YOUR ROUTE.
JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE NEXT
ONE.
175
00:20:06,006 --> 00:20:11,011
NEED A LITTLE HEADS UP.
OKAY.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE HARD DOING
176
00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:15,982
MUSIC AND NAV.
PRICE OF BEING SHOTGUN.
YEAH.
177
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:18,118
NO, IT'S FINE.
LET'S TRY TO FOCUS ON NAV, ALL
RIGHT?
178
00:20:18,118 --> 00:20:27,227
YEAH.
I'LL FOCUS ON THE NAV.
YEAH, THANKS.
179
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:31,164
YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME
* NOD TO CONVERTIBLES WHEN THEY
PASS, MOON A TRUCK OR PUT YOUR
180
00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:41,808
CHEEKS ON THE GLASS *
* SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS WE'RE
GOING TO HELL ON THE ROAD TRIP,
181
00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:46,413
A GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP *
I'M SORRY.
CAN WE COOL IT WITH THE SLURPY
182
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,381
FOR A SECOND?
IT'S JUST RIGHT IN MY EAR.
SORRY.
183
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:58,758
IT'S OKAY.
I'M HAPPY TO BUY EVERYONE A
SLURPY, BUT YOU'RE SUCKING ON
184
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:04,898
THE -- THERE'S NONE LEFT.
CAN YOU SCOOT OVER, YOUR LEG
HAIRS ARE SCRATCHING ME.
185
00:21:04,898 --> 00:21:10,637
FINE, I'LL MOVE MY LEG.
DID YOU JUST VENMO REQUEST ME
FOR THE SLURPY?
186
00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:20,513
I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, SO.
* WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP --
RECALCULATING ROUTE.
187
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:27,087
DID WE MISS THE GOD DAMN
COMMIT AGAIN?
WHO COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE
188
00:21:27,087 --> 00:21:32,659
TEXTING THAT'S NOT IN THIS CAR.
IT WAS MY MOM, MAN.
MY DAD HAD A STROKE.
189
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:42,702
SORRY I'M NOT FOCUSSING ON THE
NAV!
I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.
190
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:46,106
HE DID NOT HAVE A STROKE.
LIAR!
COME ON, MAN.
191
00:21:46,106 --> 00:21:53,013
EVERYBODY, WE'RE HAVING QUIET
TIME.
READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING.
192
00:21:53,013 --> 00:21:58,985
* FINALLY TIME TO CHILL, I CAN
DO WHAT I WANNA, DIVE INTO THE
THE NEW MICHELLE OBAMA.
193
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:05,592
I'M GOING TO PUKE!
PULL OVER RIGHT NOW!
0.3 MILES!
194
00:22:05,592 --> 00:22:13,133
MARK, THAT MEANS NOTHING TO
ME.
YOU TOLD ME TO FOCUS ON THE
195
00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:15,468
NAV.
WE'RE GOING HOME!
.
196
00:22:15,468 --> 00:22:22,509
* LATE AT NIGHT AND I FEEL SO
FREE, EVERYONE ASLEEP EXCEPT FOR
ME, *
197
00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:30,850
* BIG BRIGHT MOON HANGING IN THE
SKY, NAV IN MY LAP --
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
198
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:33,887
NOTHING.
GO BACK TO SLEEP EVERYONE.
THANKS.
199
00:22:33,887 --> 00:22:37,290
WILL YOU TURN THE AC ON?
YEAH.
YOU HOT OR COLD?
200
00:22:37,290 --> 00:22:47,367
BOTH.
I SAW WHAT YOU DID.
* ON A ROAD TRIP *
201
00:22:49,169 --> 00:22:54,874
WE'RE SO EXCITED TO BE DOING
THIS REMAKE OF "THE PARENT
TRAP."
202
00:22:54,874 --> 00:23:01,281
WE FOUND SOME PLACES TO UPDATE
THE ORIGINAL, BUT THE SCENE IN
THE CABIN WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE
203
00:23:01,281 --> 00:23:06,519
REALIZE THEY'RE TWINS IS SUCH A
CLASSIC.
WE WANTED TO LEAVE IT THE WAY IT
204
00:23:06,519 --> 00:23:10,056
WAS.
THIS IS SO SPECIAL.
I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE HERE.
205
00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:17,430
OBVIOUSLY SINCE YOU'RE
PRAYING BOTH TWINS, TODAY YOU'LL
BE HALLIE IN THE SCENES, AND
206
00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:24,571
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ONE OF OUR
GUYS RAYMOND READ WITH YOU,
OKAY?
207
00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:28,742
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN JUST CALL
ME RAY.
THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.
208
00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:32,412
I THINK I GET THE GIST.
OKAY.
LET'S START WITH THE SEQUENCE
209
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:38,618
WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE ARE
HAVING A LITTLE DISAGREEMENT
OVER WHETHER IT'S BEDTIME OR
210
00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:42,822
NOT.
YOU CAN HEAD TO YOUR COTS AND
WE'LL GET STARTED ALL RIGHT?
211
00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:52,332
GREAT AND ACTION.
OFF.
ON.
212
00:23:52,332 --> 00:24:01,141
OFF.
ON.
TURN THEM OFF!
213
00:24:01,141 --> 00:24:06,079
YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.
I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU'RE
A REAL BITCH!
214
00:24:06,079 --> 00:24:13,286
OKAY.
CUT.
UMM, SIR, I DON'T THINK THE
215
00:24:13,286 --> 00:24:17,924
SCRIPT SAID BITCH.
YEAH, YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I DID A LITTLE OFF THE CUFF
216
00:24:17,924 --> 00:24:26,433
THING LIKE THEY DO ON "CURB."
YOU GUYS WATCH THAT?
MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO
217
00:24:26,433 --> 00:24:31,905
READ THE LINES LIKE THE ONES
THAT ARE IN THE SCRIPT.
WE'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM
218
00:24:31,905 --> 00:24:36,209
IN THE MOVIE, SO IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.
SHOULD I GO TO THE TOILET AT
219
00:24:36,209 --> 00:24:42,115
SOME POINT AND SHE GETS MAD.
THAT COULD BE FUN LIKE HER TWIN
IS ALWAYS ON THE TOILET.
220
00:24:42,115 --> 00:24:45,585
ARE YOU ASKING THAT BECAUSE
YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
NOW?
221
00:24:45,585 --> 00:24:51,624
WELL, I THINK MY CHARACTER
MIGHT, BUT YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.
LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT
222
00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:55,929
DAY.
IT STORMED OUTSIDE, SO YOUR
BELONGINGS GOT WET, AND NOW
223
00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:59,699
YOU'RE TALKING BY THE WINDOW
GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
AND ACTION.
224
00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:04,304
OH, NO.
ARE ANY OF YOUR PICTURES
RUINED?
225
00:25:04,304 --> 00:25:15,148
ONLY THE BAUFL SHAWN MENDEZ.
WOW, HE IS HOT.
YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE?
226
00:25:15,148 --> 00:25:20,487
LISA RENA.
I WOULD LET HER WRECK ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE.
227
00:25:20,487 --> 00:25:25,725
LET'S MOVE ON TO THE OREO
SCENE.
YOU'RE BONDING, REALIZE YOU HAVE
228
00:25:25,725 --> 00:25:32,699
A LOT IN COMMON, AND GO.
WANT TO EAT SOME OREOS?
MAY SOUND WEIRD, BUT I EAT THEM
229
00:25:32,699 --> 00:25:35,902
WITH PEANUT BUTTER.
WELL, F ME.
SO DO I!
230
00:25:35,902 --> 00:25:40,106
WOW, NO WAY.
I WONDER WHAT ELSE WE HAVE IN
COMMON.
231
00:25:40,106 --> 00:25:47,414
YOU LIKE SCHLITZ BEER?
WHAT?
NO.
232
00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:52,519
ANYWAY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
56.
OH, FOR THIS, 11.
233
00:25:52,519 --> 00:25:58,625
MY BIRTHDAY'S IN OCTOBER.
ME TOO.
THIS IS TRIPPING ME OUT.
234
00:25:58,625 --> 00:26:06,533
LET'S SEE IF WE HAVE A PICTURE
OF OUR PARENTS THAT WAS RIPPED
IN HALF TO SEE IF WE'RE TWIN
235
00:26:06,533 --> 00:26:15,642
SFWLS NOT THERE YET.
JUST JUMP AHEAD TO WHERE
HALLIE'S PACING, PUTTING IT ALL
236
00:26:15,642 --> 00:26:17,944
TOGETHER.
THINK ABOUT IT.
I ONLY HAVE A FATHER, AND YOU
237
00:26:17,944 --> 00:26:21,915
ONLY HAVE A MOTHER.
OH, YEAH?
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR DAD,
238
00:26:21,915 --> 00:26:27,087
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN MY MOM.
SO YOU THINK WE'RE TWINS OR
NOT YET?
239
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:31,958
YOU HAVE ONE OLD PICTURE OF
YOUR MOM, AND I HAVE ONE OLD
PICTURE OF MY DAD.
240
00:26:31,958 --> 00:26:43,903
YEAH, LIKE IN THAT LINDSEY
LOHAN MOVIE ABOUT THE TWIN.
AT LEAST YOURS IS A WHOLE
241
00:26:43,903 --> 00:26:47,774
PICTURE.
A WHOLE PICTURE?
YOU'RE 11.
242
00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:52,379
DON'T LOOK AT THOSE.
MY PICTURE IS PATHETIC AND
RIPPED DOWN THE MIDDLE.
243
00:26:52,379 --> 00:26:55,815
NOW BOTH RUN AND GET YOUR
HALVES OF THE PICTURE.
HERE IT IS.
244
00:26:55,815 --> 00:26:58,685
THE PICTURE OF MY DAD.
OKAY.
I GOT MINE.
245
00:26:58,685 --> 00:27:04,758
ON THE COUNT OF THREE, WE'LL
SHOW THEM TO EACH OTHER, OKAY?
OKAY.
246
00:27:04,758 --> 00:27:14,701
ONE, TWO, THREE.
WHOA.
LESLIE MAN AND ED HELMS.
247
00:27:14,701 --> 00:27:21,241
IS THIS FOR STREAMING.
SO IF YOUR MOM IS MY MOM AND
MY DAD IS YOUR BAD AND WE'RE
248
00:27:21,241 --> 00:27:27,514
BOTH BORN ON OCTOBER 11th, THEN
YOU AND I ARE LIKE SISTERS.
SISTERS?
249
00:27:27,514 --> 00:27:32,452
HALLIE, WE'RE FREAKING TWINS.
ANNIE.
OH, MY GOD, WOW, I'M LIKE
250
00:27:32,452 --> 00:27:36,656
CRYING NOW.
THIS IS AMAZING.
SO THEY JUST SPLIT US UP?
251
00:27:36,656 --> 00:27:41,494
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT TO US?
WE'VE GOT TO KILL THEM.
THERE'S TWO OF US.
252
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:44,898
IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE CAN
KILL THEM.
I'M KIDDING.
253
00:27:44,898 --> 00:27:46,966
I LOVE YOU.
AND CUT.
WOW, THAT WAS IT.
254
00:27:46,966 --> 00:27:51,571
THANK YOU BOTH FOR THOSE
PERFORMANCES.
I'M BLOWN AWAY.
255
00:27:51,571 --> 00:27:55,742
THIS IS GOING TO BE A HIT, AND
I'LL SEE YOU BOTH AT THE
PREMIER.
256
00:28:02,215 --> 00:28:07,320
Announcer: YOU'RE WATCHING
MTV.
AT NINE, IT'S THREE STRAIGHT
257
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:13,026
DAYS OF "RIDICULOUSNESS."
BUT FIRST, AN ALL NEW
"RIDICULOUSNESS."
258
00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:19,733
WHAT IS UP, WHAT IS UP?
WELCOME TO "RIDICULOUSNESS."
I'M ROB DYRDEK, AND YOU WOULDN'T
259
00:28:19,733 --> 00:28:27,040
KNOW IT FROM MY CLOTHES, BUT I'M
ALMOST 50, Y'ALL.
JOINING ME AS ALWAYS, STEELO
260
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:32,645
BRIM AND CHANEL WEST COAST.
WHAT UP, ROB?
I'M ALREADY LAUGHING.
261
00:28:32,645 --> 00:28:39,386
AND TODAY'S SPECIAL GUEST,
YOU KNOW HER FROM TIKTOK, IT'S
LEE LEE TWO TIMES.
262
00:28:39,386 --> 00:28:47,293
YO, WHAT UP, WHAT UP?
YO, CONGRATS ON ALL YOUR
SUCCESS AND FOR LOOKING FINE AS
263
00:28:47,293 --> 00:28:49,062
HELL.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
264
00:28:49,062 --> 00:28:57,070
YEAH.
JUST TURNED 17 LAST WEEK!
17!
265
00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:59,906
OOPSY!
I MEANT FINE AS HELL AS A
FRIEND.
266
00:28:59,906 --> 00:29:06,479
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S WATCH SOME VIDS, KIDS.
THIS IS FALLING OFF.
267
00:29:06,479 --> 00:29:11,818
FIRST, PEEP THESE FOOLS PARTYING
ON A BOAT UP IN HERE.
OH, OOPSY.
268
00:29:11,818 --> 00:29:17,257
WHITE GIRL OVERBOARD.
THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HURT, YO.
SEE THAT'S WHY MY ASS DON'T
269
00:29:17,257 --> 00:29:24,931
MESS WITH BOATS.
YEAH, I FEEL YOU.
I WAS ON THIS FAMILY VACAY ONE
270
00:29:24,931 --> 00:29:30,603
TIME.
MY COUSIN HAILEY WAS DOING THAT
WHITE GIRL SELFIE POSE AND WE
271
00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:39,946
HIT A WAVE, AND BAM!
SHE FELL RIGHT OFF THAT BOAT AND
FELL UNDER, BUT THE PROPELLER
272
00:29:39,946 --> 00:29:45,051
HIT HER AND HER HEAD FELL OFF.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT IS HORRIFIC.
273
00:29:45,051 --> 00:29:52,158
AND THE WORST PART WAS
BECAUSE LIKE ALL THE BLOOD, A
HUNTING FINDING NEMO FISH CAME
274
00:29:52,158 --> 00:29:59,332
AROUND AND STARTED EATING AT HER
HEAD.
I'M SO SORRY, GIRL.
275
00:29:59,332 --> 00:30:06,272
YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO.
LET'S PEEP ANOTHER VID.
LET TRY TO KEEP OUR ANECDOTES
276
00:30:06,272 --> 00:30:11,678
MORE FUN, LESS TRAGIC AND
UPSETTING.
CHECK THIS OUT.
277
00:30:11,678 --> 00:30:19,886
YO, THIS CAT, DUDE, WHAT, UH-OH,
CUP HEAD.
UH-OH, YO THAT CAT WAS TRIPPING.
278
00:30:19,886 --> 00:30:25,058
CHANEL LIKED THAT ONE RIGHT
THERE.
YO, I CAN'T, I CAN'T, YO.
279
00:30:25,058 --> 00:30:33,199
YO, CATS ARE A TRIP.
YEAH, MAN, THEY CRAZY.
LIKE GROWING UP, OUR CAT
280
00:30:33,199 --> 00:30:37,370
SADIE WAS ALWAYS GETTING
PREGNANT.
SO SADIE A HO.
281
00:30:37,370 --> 00:30:42,642
FOR REAL.
SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH ONE TIME
AND SIX KITTENS COMING OUT.
282
00:30:42,642 --> 00:30:48,081
ALL OF THEM LOOKING DIFFERENT
THAN THEY DADDY.
SADIE, WHO YOU SMASHING?
283
00:30:48,081 --> 00:30:56,890
THEY CAME OUT FUSED INTO ONE
BIG FURRY BALL OF CAT PARTS.
EARS, TAILS, ALL STICKING OUT.
284
00:30:56,890 --> 00:31:03,530
IT WAS NOT FIRE.
HA-HA-HA.
CHANEL, YOU GOT A CAT.
285
00:31:03,530 --> 00:31:09,636
YOU GOT ANY FUNNY CAT STORIES,
GIRL?
WAS THE CAT ALIVE?
286
00:31:09,636 --> 00:31:13,473
YEAH.
YEAH.
BUT LIKE IT DIDN'T HAVE A MOUTH,
287
00:31:13,473 --> 00:31:21,614
SO IT WAS SCREAMING FROM THE
INSIDE LIKE MM!
YEAH.
288
00:31:21,614 --> 00:31:23,917
YEAH.
YEAH.
YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP MAKING
289
00:31:23,917 --> 00:31:30,190
THAT NOISE, LEE LEE, WE GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
WE GOING TO PLAY WHAT'S GOING TO
290
00:31:30,190 --> 00:31:35,495
GO DOWN.
HERE'S THE FIRST FRAME OF OUR
NEXT VID.
291
00:31:35,495 --> 00:31:40,500
UH-OH, WE GOT A DUDE IN THE
LAUNDRY BASKET AT THE TOP OF
SOME STAIRS.
292
00:31:40,500 --> 00:31:46,940
STEELO, WHAT'S GOING TO GO DOWN?
I THINK THAT DUDE'S FLYING
OUT OF THAT THING ON THE FIRST
293
00:31:46,940 --> 00:31:49,943
STAIR, MAN.
WHAT YOU THINK, CHANEL?
SAME.
294
00:31:49,943 --> 00:31:54,581
SO HOW LONG DID THAT CAT HAVE TO
LIVE?
YO, NO MORE CAT BALL.
295
00:31:54,581 --> 00:31:58,952
OKAY?
THE CAT BALL'S WEIRD AND SAT.
IT'S NOT THE VIBE OF THE SHOW,
296
00:31:58,952 --> 00:32:02,555
OKAY?
YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE ON THAT,
MAN.
297
00:32:02,555 --> 00:32:06,459
LET KILL THE CAT BALL.
ACTUALLY, THE MOM CAT KILLED
THE CAT BALL.
298
00:32:06,459 --> 00:32:11,765
YO, NO MORE CAT BALL, YO.
THAT CAT BALL IS DONE.
PLEASE.
299
00:32:11,765 --> 00:32:17,504
OKAY, LEE LEE, WHAT DO YOU THINK
IS GOING TO GO DOWN IN THIS VID?
I THINK THIS WHITE BOY GOING
300
00:32:17,504 --> 00:32:24,244
TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO
THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS AND
JUMP OUT AND START WILDING.
301
00:32:24,244 --> 00:32:27,247
THEN HE'S GOING TO FALL ON
HIS ASS?
NO.
302
00:32:27,247 --> 00:32:32,819
HE'S GOING TO GET A TEXT THAT
SAYS HIS PARENTS WERE MURDERED.
NOPE, NOT THAT.
303
00:32:32,819 --> 00:32:37,357
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK
BREAK, RESET THE VIBE, AND WE'LL
BE BACK WITH MORE
304
00:32:37,357 --> 00:32:41,494
"RIDICULOUSNESS."
I GOT A PICTURE OF THE CAT
BALL IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE.
305
00:32:41,494 --> 00:32:43,897
I GOT A PICTURE OF THE CAT
BALL IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE.
I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK.
306
00:32:59,012 --> 00:33:03,616
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS
LATER, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, CASEY.
307
00:33:03,616 --> 00:33:08,521
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I KNOW YOU AND THE GUYS
USUALLY HANG OUT AT WAFFLE HOUSE
308
00:33:08,521 --> 00:33:12,792
AFTER YOUR GAMES, SO I FIGURED
YOU WOULD BE HERE.
I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL
309
00:33:12,792 --> 00:33:16,329
YOU.
WHAT'S UP?
I'M NOT GOING TO STATE NEXT
310
00:33:16,329 --> 00:33:20,400
YEAR.
HEY!
THESE WAFFLES ARE TOO SMALL!
311
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:25,638
WE HAD A PLAN.
WE WERE BOTH GOING GO TO STATE
THEN MOVE BACK TO TOWN AFTER AND
312
00:33:25,638 --> 00:33:28,975
GET MARRIED.
THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED.
NO.
313
00:33:28,975 --> 00:33:32,078
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED, ZACK.
ALL RIGHT?
I WANT MORE.
314
00:33:32,078 --> 00:33:37,083
MORE THAN STATE, MORE THAN THIS
TOWN.
MORE THAN ME.
315
00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:42,989
YEAH.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
316
00:33:42,989 --> 00:33:46,793
NOTHING.
I APPLIED TO THIS MUSIC PROGRAM
IN NEW YORK CITY.
317
00:33:46,793 --> 00:33:53,867
I GOT IN.
OH, MY GOD.
WHOSE DOG IS THIS?
318
00:33:53,867 --> 00:33:58,772
THAT'S MY DOG.
AREN'T YOU GOING SAY
ANYTHING?
319
00:33:58,772 --> 00:34:05,512
GET THIS DOG OUT OF HERE!
I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO SAY, CASEY?
320
00:34:05,512 --> 00:34:10,050
CONGRATS?
I'M LOSING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
I'M JUST THE LOVE OF YOUR
321
00:34:10,050 --> 00:34:16,089
LIFE SO FAR.
YOU'LL FIND OTHER GIRLS.
THEY WON'T BE YOU.
322
00:34:16,089 --> 00:34:21,261
I JUST -- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S
OVER.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE 8th
323
00:34:21,261 --> 00:34:24,431
GRADE.
I KNOW.
AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
324
00:34:24,431 --> 00:34:32,572
I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM WITHOUT
YOU.
OH, EXCUSE ME!
325
00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:36,409
I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO FIND
THAT OUT.
TRUST ME.
326
00:34:36,409 --> 00:34:41,081
THIS WASN'T AN EASY DECISION.
YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE,
CASEY.
327
00:34:41,081 --> 00:34:48,154
WE GOT A 724 IN PROGRESS.
MAYBE I AM MAKING A MISTAKE,
BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT GROWING UP
328
00:34:48,154 --> 00:34:52,459
IS?
IT'S ABOUT TAKING THE BIG
CHANCES, MAKING THE BIG
329
00:34:52,459 --> 00:34:55,862
MISTAKES.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW WE BECOME
WHO WE'RE MEANT TO BE.
330
00:34:55,862 --> 00:34:59,799
DO IT!
I'LL DO IT.
DO IT!
331
00:34:59,799 --> 00:35:03,536
IF YOU SAY SO.
YOU KNOW WHERE I'M PUTTING
THESE?
332
00:35:03,536 --> 00:35:09,242
RIGHT DOWN MY PANTS, BABY.
THAT'S WHERE I LIKE IT.
I KNOW THIS IS THE RIGHT
333
00:35:09,242 --> 00:35:15,749
DECISION.
WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW, MAYBE A FEW
YEARS FROM NOW, WE'LL FIND EACH
334
00:35:15,749 --> 00:35:25,091
OTHER AGAIN.
IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, IT'LL BE.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE.
335
00:35:25,091 --> 00:35:44,444
NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT.
I GUESS.
COME HERE.
336
00:35:44,444 --> 00:35:49,816
BIG MISTAKE.
THANK YOU.
FOR WHAT?
337
00:35:49,816 --> 00:36:00,760
EVERYTHING.
I GUESS THANK YOU TOO.
DO YOU NEED A RIDE HOME?
338
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:07,200
NO.
MY DAD DROVE ME.
YOU READY TO GO, BABY GIRL?
339
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:16,042
YEAH, DAD.
FREE BIRD GOT TO FLY, SON.
**
340
00:36:25,051 --> 00:36:30,457
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
1975.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
341
00:36:30,457 --> 00:36:44,771
**
* HEARTBEAT IS COMIN' *
* IN SO STRONG
342
00:36:44,771 --> 00:36:49,075
OH IF YOU
DON'T STOP
I'M GONNA NEED *
343
00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:57,617
* A SECOND ONE
OH THERE'S SOMETHIN'
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO
344
00:36:57,617 --> 00:37:02,522
SAY TO YOU BABY *
* HOLD THAT THOUGHT
YEAH THERE'S SOMETHIN'
345
00:37:02,522 --> 00:37:10,563
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO
SAY TO YOU BABY *
* BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT
346
00:37:10,563 --> 00:37:15,935
WHAT A CALL MOVING IN
I FEEL LIKE I CAN
LOOSEN MY LIPS *
347
00:37:15,935 --> 00:37:21,341
* COME ON SO STRONG
I CAN SUMMARIZE IT FOR YOU
AH
348
00:37:21,341 --> 00:37:26,212
IT'S SIMPLE *
* AND IT GOES LIKE THIS
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
349
00:37:26,212 --> 00:37:31,651
I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I
350
00:37:31,651 --> 00:37:38,091
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
IN LOVE WITH YOU *
351
00:37:38,091 --> 00:37:42,929
* I-I-I-I
SHE'S GOT A BROADSHEET
SHE'S READING
352
00:37:42,929 --> 00:37:48,268
DOWN THE LIST *
* OF THE GOING WRONGS
OH YEAH YEAH YEAH
353
00:37:48,268 --> 00:37:52,072
I'M GETTIN' NO SLEEP
BECAUSE I'M *
* TOSSIN' AND TURNIN'
354
00:37:52,072 --> 00:37:57,977
ALL NIGHT LONG YEAH
OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE
SOMEWHERE I'VE *
355
00:37:57,977 --> 00:38:02,282
* BEEN MEANING TO
MEANING TO
TAKE THE CONVERSATION
356
00:38:02,282 --> 00:38:05,585
HOLD THAT THOUGHT *
* OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE
SOMEWHERE I'VE
357
00:38:05,585 --> 00:38:10,490
BEEN MEANING TO
MEANING TO *
* TAKE THE CONVERSATION
358
00:38:10,490 --> 00:38:14,260
BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT
YOU SHOW ME YOUR
YOU SHOW ME YOUR *
359
00:38:14,260 --> 00:38:17,030
* BLACK GIRL THING
BLACK GIRL THING
PRETENDING THAT I KNOW
360
00:38:17,030 --> 00:38:21,835
WHAT IT IS *
* I WASN'T LISTENING
I APOLOGIZE
361
00:38:21,835 --> 00:38:27,774
AND YOU MEET MY EYES
YEAH IT'S SIMPLE *
* AND IT GOES LIKE THIS
362
00:38:27,774 --> 00:38:33,179
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
363
00:38:33,179 --> 00:38:39,052
* I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
364
00:38:39,052 --> 00:38:44,958
IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
365
00:38:44,958 --> 00:38:50,330
I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I
366
00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:56,202
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
367
00:38:56,202 --> 00:39:01,541
* I-I-I-I-I
AND YEAH I GOT IT
I FOUND IT
368
00:39:01,541 --> 00:39:06,880
I'VE JUST GOTTA KEEP IT *
* DON'T HEY YOU MUPPET
IT'S NOT THAT DEEP
369
00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:12,819
BUT I'VE BEEN
COUNTING MY BLESSINGS *
* THINKING THIS THROUGH
370
00:39:12,819 --> 00:39:18,191
IT'S LIKE ONE TWO YEAH
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I *
371
00:39:18,191 --> 00:39:24,097
* I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
372
00:39:24,097 --> 00:39:28,902
I-I-I-I *
* I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
373
00:39:28,902 --> 00:39:33,740
YEAH
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I
374
00:39:33,740 --> 00:39:40,680
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
375
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:43,917
* I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I
376
00:39:43,917 --> 00:40:04,871
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I
**
377
00:40:04,871 --> 00:40:26,192
**
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
378
00:40:30,363 --> 00:40:37,270
Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE.
379
00:40:37,270 --> 00:40:43,209
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
380
00:40:43,209 --> 00:40:54,254
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
THIS WEEKEND, BITTER RIVALS WHO
381
00:40:54,254 --> 00:40:59,459
HAVE BEEN DESPERATELY PANNING
FOR VOTES AND TRYING TO FORCE
THEIR POLITICS ON AMERICA WILL
382
00:40:59,459 --> 00:41:03,396
FINALLY FACE OFF IN PERSON.
I'M OF COURSE TALKING ABOUT
TOMORROW'S OSCARS.
383
00:41:03,396 --> 00:41:10,103
THEY REAPOLOGETICED A REQUEST
FROM UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY TO MAKE AN
384
00:41:10,103 --> 00:41:16,443
APPEARANCE DURING THE OSCARS,
BUT THEY PROMISE VOLODYMYR
ZELENSKYY WILL BE HOW JOHN
385
00:41:16,443 --> 00:41:23,083
TRAVOLTA ANNOUNCES VIOLA DAVIS.
ORGANIZERS SAID THEY CHANGED THE
COLOR OF THE ARRIVAL CARPET FROM
386
00:41:23,083 --> 00:41:27,120
RED TO CHAMPAGNE SO THE MOOD
WOULD BE MORE MELLOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
387
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:32,992
SWITCHING FROM RED TO CHAMPAGNE
USUALLY TURNS ME INTO A FULL ON
BITCH.
388
00:41:32,992 --> 00:41:43,837
PRESIDENT BIDEN PROPOSED HIS
BUDGET THAT WOULD HELP FUND
MEDICARE WITH A 25% TAX ON
389
00:41:43,837 --> 00:41:48,875
MILLIONAIRES.
HA, TAKE THAT, RIHANNA.
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S PROPOSED
390
00:41:48,875 --> 00:41:55,682
BUDGET INCLUDED $400 MILLION TO
TARGET THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF
CHINESE DISINFORMATION, FORTUNE
391
00:41:55,682 --> 00:42:09,229
COOKIES.
TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE
LAUGHING AT A DOG LOCKED IN A
392
00:42:09,229 --> 00:42:16,469
HOT CAR RELEASED SECURITY
FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6
ATTACKS WITH THE VIOLENCE EDITED
393
00:42:16,469 --> 00:42:21,408
OUT AND SAID IT PROVES IT WAS A
PEACEFUL GATHERING.
WHICH IS LIKE EDITING ALL THE
394
00:42:21,408 --> 00:42:27,080
SEX OUT OF A PORN VIDEO AND
SAYING IT'S A SHORT FILM ABOUT
BEING A STEP MOM.
395
00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:32,619
NEW DOCUMENTS FROM THE
DOMINION LAWSUIT REVEALED TEXTS
FROM TUCKER CARLSON IN WHICH HE
396
00:42:32,619 --> 00:42:39,092
SAYS HE HATES DONALD TRUMP
PASSIONATELY AND CAN'T WAIT
UNTIL HE'S ABLE TO IGNORE HIM.
397
00:42:39,092 --> 00:42:47,300
THAT MUST SUCK TO GO ON TV AND
MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOME PSYCHOTIC
BIG GOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S GOOD
398
00:42:47,300 --> 00:42:56,109
FOR THE SHOW.
ANYWAY, BACK TO YOU, COLIN.
I DON'T GET IT.
399
00:42:56,109 --> 00:43:05,051
RUE PAUL HARSHLY CRITICIZED
LAWMAKERS WHO BANNED DRAG SHOWS,
AND LET ME JUST SAY, I GOT TO
400
00:43:05,051 --> 00:43:15,628
SERVE REALNESS ON THIS ONE.
THESE DUSTY BREEDERS ARE RESTING
ON UGLY, AND I AM GAGGING ON IT.
401
00:43:15,628 --> 00:43:23,703
I'M SORRY, GUYS, BEFORE THE
SHOW, I SWITCHED FROM RED TO
CHAMPAGNE.
402
00:43:23,703 --> 00:43:29,075
OH, BOY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID THAT HE
SUPPORTS A BILL THAT WOULD ALLOW
403
00:43:29,075 --> 00:43:34,948
THE GOVERNMENT TO BAN TIKTOK.
BUT ONLY BECAUSE BIDEN THINKS
TIKTOK IS A GANG MEMBER FROM HIS
404
00:43:34,948 --> 00:43:41,221
OLD NEIGHBORHOOD.
AFTER WALGREENS ANNOUNCED
THEY WILL STOP SELLING ABORTION
405
00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:48,995
PILLS IN 21 STATES, CVS HAS
REMAINED SILENT.
WHILE OVER AT RITE AID, YOU CAN
406
00:43:48,995 --> 00:43:55,368
JUST GRAB A PILL FROM THE TAKE
ABORTION LEAVE ABORTION TRAY.
IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE
407
00:43:55,368 --> 00:44:01,608
ORGANIZERS OF KING CHARLES'
CORONATION HAVE OFFICIALLY
INVITED MEGHAN MARKLE -- AND
408
00:44:01,608 --> 00:44:10,650
THIS IS NICE -- AT A STARTING
SALARY OF $19 AN HOUR.
THAT SEEMS VERY GENEROUS, GUYS.
409
00:44:12,752 --> 00:44:18,625
THIS WEEK, TENNESSEE
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR RANDY
McNALLY WAS CAUGHT USING HIS
410
00:44:18,625 --> 00:44:25,231
VERIFIED INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT TO
ENGAGE WITH PROVOCATIVE PHOTOS
OF A GAY YOUNG MAN.
411
00:44:25,231 --> 00:44:30,470
HERE TO COMMENT THE GOVERNOR
McNALLY.
SORRY I'M LATE.
412
00:44:30,470 --> 00:44:36,076
I SPENT ALL DAY PRINTING OUT MAP
QUEST DIRECTIONS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, BUT
413
00:44:36,076 --> 00:44:42,615
I'M NOT GOOD AT THE INTERNET.
YOU'RE A MARRIED MAN WHO
SUPPORTS TENNESSEE'S ANTI-DRAG
414
00:44:42,615 --> 00:44:47,520
LAWS.
CAN YOU KU EXPLAIN WHY YOU
COMMENTED ON A THIRST TRAP, YOU
415
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:53,226
CAN TURN A RAINY DAY INTO
RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE?
I DIDN'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD FIND
416
00:44:53,226 --> 00:44:57,397
OUT BECAUSE I USED A SCREEN
NAME.
WHAT IS THE SCREEN NAME?
417
00:44:57,397 --> 00:45:02,435
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR McNALLY.
YOU SEE HOW THIS COULD BE A
PROBLEM.
418
00:45:02,435 --> 00:45:10,143
ALSO I WANT TO POINT OUT YOU
COMMENTED THREE HEARTS AND THREE
FIRE EMOJIS ON THIS NAKED PHOTO
419
00:45:10,143 --> 00:45:14,614
OF THE SAME YOUNG GAY MAN.
WELL, COLIN, I DON'T
DISCRIMINATE.
420
00:45:14,614 --> 00:45:20,086
I COMMENT ON PHOTOS OF ALL
ORIENTATIONS.
ORIENTATIONS LIKE FROM THE SIDE,
421
00:45:20,086 --> 00:45:26,626
FROM THE FRONT, FROM THE BACK.
THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A
BUTT, BUT IT HELPS.
422
00:45:26,626 --> 00:45:33,967
WHATEVER THE PHOTO, IT'S MY JOB
TO ENCOURAGE MY CONSTITUENTS.
I THINK IT'S JUST SOME
423
00:45:33,967 --> 00:45:39,339
CONFUSION ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS.
COLIN, I STAND BY MY
TRADITIONAL VALUES.
424
00:45:39,339 --> 00:45:45,745
I BELIEVE A WOMAN SHOULD BE IN
THE HOME, AND A MAN SHOULD BE
143 POUNDS AND DANCING TO DUA
425
00:45:45,745 --> 00:45:48,782
LIPA.
OKAY.
YOU -- OKAY.
426
00:45:48,782 --> 00:45:58,391
YES.
YOU'RE VERY CUTE, BUT YOU ARE --
YOU ARE CLAIMING THESE
427
00:45:58,391 --> 00:46:04,097
INTERACTIONS ARE INNOCENT, BUT
IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD.
I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR THE
428
00:46:04,097 --> 00:46:10,337
LITTLE GUY, JOE AVERAGE, EVERY
TOM, DICK, AND HAIRLESS.
I THINK SO THE PEOPLE OF
429
00:46:10,337 --> 00:46:15,375
TENNESSEE FEEL MISLED.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
I'M JUST LOOKING.
430
00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:24,250
LOOKING AT PICTURES ON ZILLOW
DOESN'T MAKE ME A HOMEOWNER,
ALTHOUGH I HAVE DONE A FEW 3D
431
00:46:24,250 --> 00:46:28,621
TOURS.
RANDY.
RANDY BY NAME, RANDY BY
432
00:46:28,621 --> 00:46:35,662
NATURE.
WHY ARE YOU INTERACTING WITH
THESE YOUNG MEN?
433
00:46:35,662 --> 00:46:40,066
BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO VOTERS
OR PEOPLE WHO COULD VOTE IN THE
FUTURE.
434
00:46:40,066 --> 00:46:46,773
I'M A PROUD CONSERVATIVE.
I RESPECT POLICE OFFICERS, FIRE
FIGHTERS, ANY MAN WHO PUTS HIS
435
00:46:46,773 --> 00:46:50,310
BODY ONLINE FOR OTHERS.
DO YOU MEAN ON THE LINE FOR
OTHERS?
436
00:46:50,310 --> 00:46:55,648
WHAT DID I SAY?
BY THE WAY, ANY CHANCE YOU CAN
PRINT ME OUT ANOTHER MAP QUEST?
437
00:46:55,648 --> 00:46:59,686
I'M TRYING TO GET TO FLAMING
SADDLES.
RAN DID I, FOLKS ARE CALLING
438
00:46:59,686 --> 00:47:06,659
YOU A HYPOCRITE FOR ENFORCING
ANTILBGTQ LAWS WHILE SEEMING TO
ENJOY QUEER CONTENT.
439
00:47:06,659 --> 00:47:12,232
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
I'M A HYPOCRITE?
THAT I WAS FLIRTING WITH A
440
00:47:12,232 --> 00:47:17,671
20-YEAR-OLD DANCING AROUND IN
HIS FINE WASHABLES?
THAT I MADE IT LEGAL TO HAVE
441
00:47:17,671 --> 00:47:23,510
GUNS IN LIBRARIES BUT NOT DRAG
QUEENS?
THAT I PUBLICLY HATE THINGS THAT
442
00:47:23,510 --> 00:47:28,581
I SECRETLY LIKE?
BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS
ARE TELLING ME TO GET OFF
443
00:47:28,581 --> 00:47:37,123
INSTAGRAM, AND GUESS THAT, I
WILL BECAUSE I FORGOT MY
PASSWORD.
444
00:47:37,123 --> 00:47:42,262
PASSWORD.
RANDY McNALLY, EVER
ANY TIME.
445
00:47:45,565 --> 00:47:51,871
A DEEP SEA DIVER HAS
ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SET A NEW
WORLD RECORD BY LIVING UNDER
446
00:47:51,871 --> 00:47:56,309
WATER FOR 100 DAYS.
I FEEL LIKE THE RECORD IS LONGER
THAN THAT, SAID THE PEOPLE OF
447
00:47:56,309 --> 00:48:03,049
NEW ORLEANS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT
WOULD MAKE YOU LAUGH.
448
00:48:03,049 --> 00:48:11,224
A MAN IN FLORIDA SAID HE WAS
SURPRISED WHEN HE HEARD A KNOCK
AT THE DOOR AND IT TURNED OUT TO
449
00:48:11,224 --> 00:48:16,129
BE AN ALLIGATOR.
EVEN MORE SURPRISING, IT WAS
DOING THE THING FROM "LOVE
450
00:48:16,129 --> 00:48:19,532
ACTUALLY".
OFFICIALS IN BERLIN
ANNOUNCED THAT WOMEN WILL NOW BE
451
00:48:19,532 --> 00:48:25,238
ALLOWED TO GO TOPLESS AT THE
CITY'S POOLS, BUT OFFICIALS ALSO
SAID TO BE AWARE IT'S NOT GOING
452
00:48:25,238 --> 00:48:33,513
TO BE THE ONES YOU WANT.
ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT,
BY 2035, MORE THAN HALF OF THE
453
00:48:33,513 --> 00:48:43,590
WORLD'S POPULATION WILL BE JUST
HOW I LIKE THEM.
A PHOTO HAS GONE VIRAL OF A
454
00:48:43,590 --> 00:48:48,461
98-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN KENTUCKY
MEETING HER FIRST GREAT GREAT
GREAT GRAND CHILD.
455
00:48:48,461 --> 00:48:56,136
WOW, I WISH I HAD GOTTEN TO MEET
MY GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER
SO I COULD HAVE TOLD HER, DON'T
456
00:48:56,136 --> 00:49:02,208
GET ON THAT BOAT!
I EVEN TRIED ACTING DURING THAT
ONE, MAN.
457
00:49:02,208 --> 00:49:08,481
THERE IS A TREND ON TIKTOK
OF PEOPLE EATING ORANGES IN
SHOWERS CLAIMING THAT IT REDUCES
458
00:49:08,481 --> 00:49:13,420
STRESS AND ANXIETY.
BUT IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE
FILMING YOURSELF EATING IN THE
459
00:49:13,420 --> 00:49:22,562
SHOWER, I WOULD ARGUE YOU DON'T
HAVE ENOUGH ANXIETY.
A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT LONG
460
00:49:22,562 --> 00:49:30,737
DISTANCE RUNNING DOES NOT CAUSE
WEAR AND TEAR ON MARATHONERS'
KNEES, BUT IT DOES SAND THEIR
461
00:49:30,737 --> 00:49:37,043
NIPPLES CLEAN OFF.
WEDNESDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL
WOMEN'S DAY -- I SAID WAS.
462
00:49:37,043 --> 00:49:43,083
NEXT JOKE.
A NEW STUDY FINDS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
463
00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:49,189
A NEW STUDY FINDS SOME NEW YORK
CITY RATS CARRY THE VIRUS THAT
CAUSES COVID, WHICH IS WHY I
464
00:49:49,189 --> 00:49:58,164
ALWAYS ORDER MINE WELL DONE.
WELL, GUYS, WE -- WE ONLY
HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE LEFT OF THE
465
00:49:58,164 --> 00:50:02,469
END OF UPDATE.
HERE TO FILL IT WITH SOME RANDOM
IMPRESSIONS IS JAMES AUSTIN
466
00:50:02,469 --> 00:50:07,107
JOHNSON.
WOW.
ALL RIGHT.
467
00:50:07,107 --> 00:50:17,017
JAMES, WHAT IS YOUR FIRST
IMPRESSION?
THIS IS ADAM DRIVER AS KYLA
468
00:50:17,017 --> 00:50:21,087
FROM STAR WARS ON THE SHOW
GIRLS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS
469
00:50:21,087 --> 00:50:25,525
TO BE ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE
FORCE?
NO, YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE A
470
00:50:25,525 --> 00:50:29,362
CHILD!
OKAY.
GREAT, GREAT.
471
00:50:29,362 --> 00:50:31,131
ALL RIGHT.
WAIT.
ALL RIGHT.
472
00:50:31,131 --> 00:50:37,303
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
BATMAN AND HE'S READING
WHERE'S WALDO.
473
00:50:37,303 --> 00:50:43,443
BATMAN READING WHERE'S WALDO.
WHERE IS HE?
OKAY.
474
00:50:43,443 --> 00:50:46,246
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
475
00:50:46,246 --> 00:50:50,617
I THINK WE'RE ALREADY RUNNING
OUT OF TIME.
OKAY.
476
00:50:50,617 --> 00:50:56,289
THIS NEXT IMPRESSION WOULD
MAKE A GREAT SKETCH ON THE SHOW.
YOU SHOULD CONSIDER IT.
477
00:50:56,289 --> 00:51:01,461
SURE.
THIS IS JAY-Z AND HE'S
DOWNSTAIRS.
478
00:51:01,461 --> 00:51:15,275
OKAY.
BUSEY, BUSEY, BEYONCE.
HOLD ON.
479
00:51:15,275 --> 00:51:22,382
HOW WOULD YOU PLAY JAY-Z?
HE WOULD BE DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU DON'T SEE HIM BECAUSE HE'S
480
00:51:22,382 --> 00:51:24,584
DOWNSTAIRS.
I DON'T THINK YOU PUT MUCH
THOUGHT INTO THIS.
481
00:51:24,584 --> 00:51:31,691
I HAVE A STOCK PILE OF
USELESS TWO SECOND IMPRESSIONS
THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
482
00:51:31,691 --> 00:51:37,330
WITH, SO I KIND OF THOUGHT, WHY
NOT DO THEM ON UPDATE WHERE IT
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
483
00:51:37,330 --> 00:51:42,736
BUT I HAVE TO GET THESE
IMPRESSIONS OUT.
IT'S MY BRAND.
484
00:51:42,736 --> 00:51:47,207
BARTENDERS WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME
AT THE AFTERPARTY IF I DON'T DO
MY TRUMP VOICE.
485
00:51:47,207 --> 00:51:53,980
WE HAVE BEEN WAITING A VERY LONG
TIME FOR THAT NEGRONI.
THIS IS MUCH TOO LONG.
486
00:51:53,980 --> 00:52:00,553
IT'S A THREE INGREDIENT GREEN.
IT'S VERY, VERY SWEET.
I LOVE MY NEGRONI.
487
00:52:00,553 --> 00:52:05,325
WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE
IMPRESSION, BUT IT'S GOT TO BE
QUICK.
488
00:52:05,325 --> 00:52:13,833
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT ONE.
THIS IS BOB DYLAN'S CELL PHONE
ON VIBRATE.
489
00:52:13,833 --> 00:52:19,072
HEY, HEY, HEY.
JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON,
EVERYONE.
490
00:52:19,072 --> 00:52:24,611
JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON,
EVERYONE.
FOR "WEEKEND
491
00:52:36,322 --> 00:52:41,695
WITHOUT FATHER MURPHY, I
CAN'T PERFORM AN EXORCISM ALONE.
YOU WILL ROT IN HELL.
492
00:52:41,695 --> 00:52:46,399
HONEY, HEAR MY VOICE.
I KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THERE,
CLAIRE.
493
00:52:46,399 --> 00:52:51,504
DID SOMEONE JUST KNOCK ON OUR
DOOR?
HELLO?
494
00:52:51,504 --> 00:52:58,611
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
WHAT IS ALL THE RUCCUS?
OH, FATHER, THIS IS OUR
495
00:52:58,611 --> 00:53:08,788
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR, MRS. SHAW.
AND I SHAWED HAVE BEEN ASLEEP
45 MINUTES AGO, BUT I SUPPOSE
496
00:53:08,788 --> 00:53:11,291
YOU ALL DECIDE TODAY THROW A
PARTY ON A TUESDAY.
THIS ISN'T A PARTY.
497
00:53:11,291 --> 00:53:17,197
IT'S OUR DAUGHTER.
SHE'S BEEN POSSESSED.
WE'RE WAITING FOR FATHER
498
00:53:17,197 --> 00:53:19,399
MURPHY.
Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.
I'LL DO IT.
499
00:53:19,399 --> 00:53:23,636
DO WHAT?
THE EXORCISM.
I'M GETTING MY SLEEP TONIGHT.
500
00:53:23,636 --> 00:53:28,808
AHH!
AHH!
SEE I CAN DO IT TOO, OKAY?
501
00:53:28,808 --> 00:53:33,380
YOU DON'T SCARE ME, SWEETIE.
YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL.
YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD.
502
00:53:33,380 --> 00:53:40,086
I'LL LET YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN
A CROSSING GUARD AT NASSAU AND
EDGE MONT FOR SIX YEARS.
503
00:53:40,086 --> 00:53:47,327
THAT'S SIX LANES.
EVERY DAY, I'M THE ONLY THING
STOPPING 5th GRADERS FROM
504
00:53:47,327 --> 00:53:53,733
GETTING SENT TO HELL BY A U.P.S.
TRUCK.
HELLO?
505
00:53:53,733 --> 00:54:00,607
OKAY, YOU NEED TO GET OUT.
USE YOUR WORDS.
SUCK MY BUTT!
506
00:54:00,607 --> 00:54:04,911
NO, MA'AM, I DON'T DO ALL
THAT.
I TOSSED SALAD ONCE, AND I WAS
507
00:54:04,911 --> 00:54:09,916
LIKE, THIS AIN'T FOR ME.
MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THE
PRIEST, MRS. SHAW.
508
00:54:09,916 --> 00:54:16,523
OH, NO.
I NEED TO GET MY EIGHT HOURS.
UH-OH, WHERE'S SHE GOING?
509
00:54:16,523 --> 00:54:22,128
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, YOU
STUPID WHORE.
STUPID WHAT NOW?
510
00:54:22,128 --> 00:54:27,867
OH, HONEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO DO BETTER THAN THAT.
YESTERDAY, A THIRD GRADER CALLED
511
00:54:27,867 --> 00:54:37,077
ME A USED UP SKANK.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
YOU'RE AN UGLY -- UMM --
512
00:54:37,077 --> 00:54:42,949
UMM WHAT?
LOOK AT YOU STUTTERING.
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BEFORE I TURN
513
00:54:42,949 --> 00:54:46,286
ON THE CEILING FAN.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
IS IT WORKING?
514
00:54:46,286 --> 00:54:50,490
YEAH, IT IS.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT.
LET ME OUT.
515
00:54:50,490 --> 00:54:58,598
SHE'S EXPELLING THE DEMON.
QUICK, WE'LL NEED A NEW VESSEL.
I GOT YOU A VESSEL ALL RIGHT.
516
00:54:58,598 --> 00:55:02,168
FRANK!
GET DOWN HERE, FRANK!
WOMAN, WHAT YOU WANT?
517
00:55:02,168 --> 00:55:08,041
I'M TRYING TO SLEEP.
YOU CAN'T SLEEP IF YOU'RE
TALKING.
518
00:55:08,041 --> 00:55:15,849
AND LITTLE GIRL, YOUR ASS BETTER
NOT BE LEVITATING BACK THERE.
SORRY, MRS. SHAW.
519
00:55:15,849 --> 00:55:20,920
THANK YOU, BABY.
WAKING MY ASS UP AT 9:00 P.M.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
520
00:55:20,920 --> 00:55:27,627
WE DOING AN EXORCISM, FRANK.
WELL, I SHAWED HAVE BEEN
ASLEEP 47 MINUTES AGO.
521
00:55:27,627 --> 00:55:32,699
WE KNOW, BABY.
NOW YOU GOT TO BE A VESSEL FOR
THIS HERE DEMON.
522
00:55:32,699 --> 00:55:38,805
I DON'T WANT DO THAT.
IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I'LL
CANCEL OUR SEX DATE NEXT WEEK.
523
00:55:38,805 --> 00:55:42,709
OKAY.
FOUND MY WEAK SPOT.
LET ME GET SITUATED FIRST.
524
00:55:42,709 --> 00:55:49,883
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON NOW, DEMON.
DO YOUR WORST.
525
00:55:49,883 --> 00:56:00,694
OH, MY GOD.
MOM, DAD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHY ARE THE SHAWS IN OUR HOUSE?
526
00:56:00,694 --> 00:56:05,932
SHOULDN'T THEY BE ASLEEP?
WE CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
527
00:56:05,932 --> 00:56:10,170
IT'S ALL GOOD.
Y'ALL SLEEP TIGHT NOW.
COME ON,
528
00:56:23,616 --> 00:56:30,790
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* I'VE BEEN SUICIDAL *
* YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR WEEKS
529
00:56:30,790 --> 00:56:36,129
IF I'M UNDECIDED
WILL YOU DECIDE FOR ME
BABY I'LL DO ANYTHING *
530
00:56:36,129 --> 00:56:39,366
* THAT YOU WANNA
I'LL TRY ANYTHING
THAT YOU WANNA
531
00:56:39,366 --> 00:56:48,608
I'LL TRY *
* 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON MY MIND
OH CAROLINE
532
00:56:48,608 --> 00:56:54,547
I WANNA GET IT RIGHT
THIS TIME *
* 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS
533
00:56:54,547 --> 00:57:06,026
ON MY MIND
OH CAROLINE
* GETTING SUICIDAL
534
00:57:06,026 --> 00:57:13,566
IT'S HONESTLY NOT FOR ME
I'M GETTIN' ON MY NERVES
BY GETTIN' ON MY KNEES *
535
00:57:13,566 --> 00:57:18,938
* GETTING CUCKED
I DON'T NEED IT
THE PLACE I WANT TO BE
536
00:57:18,938 --> 00:57:23,743
IS SOMEWHERE IN YOUR HEART *
* SOMEWHERE GUARANTEED
'CAUSE BABY
537
00:57:23,743 --> 00:57:27,047
I'LL DO ANYTHING
THAT YOU WANNA *
* I'LL TRY ANYTHING
538
00:57:27,047 --> 00:57:33,053
THAT YOU WANNA
I'LL FIND MYSELF
IN THE MOONLIGHT *
539
00:57:33,053 --> 00:57:35,655
* 'CAUSE BABY
I WANT EVERYTHING
THAT YOU WANNA
540
00:57:35,655 --> 00:57:38,925
AND I'VE TRIED TO *
* JUST BE ME
LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES
541
00:57:38,925 --> 00:57:48,068
BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND
OH CAROLINE *
* I WANNA GET IT RIGHT
542
00:57:48,068 --> 00:57:59,412
THIS TIME
'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS
ON MY MIND *
543
00:57:59,412 --> 00:58:05,285
* ALWAYS ON MY MIND
OH CAROLINE
OH I'VE TRIED TO FIND
544
00:58:05,285 --> 00:58:16,629
ANOTHER NAME *
* A THOUSAND TIMES
BUT THE ONLY ONE THAT RHYMES
545
00:58:16,629 --> 00:58:25,305
ALWAYS ON MY MIND
IS OH CAROLINE *
* JUST GIVE ME
546
00:58:25,305 --> 00:58:33,913
ONE MORE CHANCE TONIGHT
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE
MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU BABY *
547
00:58:33,913 --> 00:58:40,353
* NO I DON'T WANT TO
WASTE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU
BABY
548
00:58:40,353 --> 00:58:52,198
OH CAROLINE *
* GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME
ALWAYS ON MY MIND
549
00:58:52,198 --> 00:59:01,841
I WANNA GET IT RIGHT
BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND *
* OH CAROLINE
550
00:59:01,841 --> 00:59:07,180
I WANNA GET IT RIGHT
THIS TIME
'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS *
551
00:59:07,180 --> 00:59:13,653
* ON MY MIND
ALWAYS ON MY MIND
OH CAROLINE
552
00:59:13,653 --> 00:59:23,129
OH CAROLINE *
SING IT, JAMIE.
* I WANNA GET IT RIGHT
553
00:59:23,129 --> 00:59:35,575
THIS TIME
ALWAYS ON MY MIND
OH CAROLINE *
554
00:59:35,575 --> 00:59:58,798
*
**
**
555
00:59:58,798 --> 01:00:03,703
**
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
556
01:00:14,881 --> 01:00:22,322
SINCE BREAKING OFF FROM DONALDS
DONALDS DOMINGUEZ TO FORM
DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ, WE HAVE
557
01:00:22,322 --> 01:00:29,763
NOT LANDED A SINGLE NEW CLIENT.
YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS?
IT'S BECAUSE DONALD DONALDS
558
01:00:29,763 --> 01:00:36,302
DOMINGUEZ HAD A PHONE NUMBER TO
REMEMBER, AND EVERYONE IN TOWN
KNOWS THEIR FAMOUS PHONE NUMBER
559
01:00:36,302 --> 01:00:38,038
JINGLE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
560
01:00:38,038 --> 01:00:50,450
OUR NUMBER IS 1-672-555-0136.
WHAT WE NEED IS TO TURN THAT
NUMBER INTO A SUPPER CATCHY
561
01:00:50,450 --> 01:00:56,289
JINGLE.
THERE'S NO WAY TO CREATE A
CATCHY JINGLE WITH A NUMBER LIKE
562
01:00:56,289 --> 01:01:00,660
THAT.
LAST TUESDAY, MITCHELL AND I
WERE AT LUCCIANO'S.
563
01:01:00,660 --> 01:01:08,868
AND YES, I WAS DRINKING --
NO, I WAS GETTING TANKED.
MITCHELL GOT TANKED AND
564
01:01:08,868 --> 01:01:15,975
LUCCIANO'S.
BUT THEN THIS BAND GOT UP ON THE
STAGE AND SANG THE MOST IF YOU
565
01:01:15,975 --> 01:01:19,179
THINK HOOKS I HAD EVER HEARD.
COME ON IN, GUY.
HEY, THERE.
566
01:01:19,179 --> 01:01:22,382
HELLO, LAWYERS.
WE ARE SOUL BOOTH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
567
01:01:22,382 --> 01:01:28,688
SOUL BOOTH, AND THEY'RE HERE TO
SAVE US.
WORKED OUT A FEW DEMOS FOR
568
01:01:28,688 --> 01:01:34,094
Y'ALL.
WE HEARD YOU NEEDED A POP IF
YOU THINK HOOK THAT WILL STICK
569
01:01:34,094 --> 01:01:38,264
ON THE MIND LIKE GRAPEVINES.
MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?
570
01:01:38,264 --> 01:01:49,309
OH, I DO.
THEY AIN'T READY.
HERE WE GO.
571
01:01:49,309 --> 01:02:13,133
* ONE -- SIX-SEVEN -- TWO *
* THEN THREE STRAIGHT FIVES, THE
NEXT NUMBER IS O!
572
01:02:13,133 --> 01:02:26,446
* ONE -- THREE -- AND SIX *
* WHO YOU GONNA CALL, WHO YOU
GONNA CALL, TELL THEM *
573
01:02:26,446 --> 01:02:33,286
* DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ *
GUYS, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO
574
01:02:33,286 --> 01:02:36,756
WORK FOR US.
WHY IS THAT?
JUST DOESN'T SOUND LIKE WHAT
575
01:02:36,756 --> 01:02:42,862
WE HEARD AT LUCCIANO'S.
OH, YOU WANT THAT LUCCIANO
SOUND?
576
01:02:42,862 --> 01:02:49,336
YES.
THIS TRACK SHOULD MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE I'M TANKED UP AT LOOCH,
577
01:02:49,336 --> 01:02:51,338
UNDERSTOOD?
LOUD AND CLEAR.
CRYSTAL.
578
01:02:51,338 --> 01:02:55,241
AND THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE
CLOSER TOGETHER.
YEAH.
579
01:02:55,241 --> 01:02:57,977
I THINK THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE
MUCH CLOSER TOGETHER.
UH-HUH.
580
01:02:57,977 --> 01:03:04,718
SO MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?
THEY AIN'T READY.
581
01:03:04,718 --> 01:03:13,360
COME ON.
HERE WE GO.
HERE WE GO.
582
01:03:13,360 --> 01:03:15,061
* ONE THOUSAND-SIX
HUNDRED SEVENTY
TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE
583
01:03:15,061 --> 01:03:22,602
HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE
HUNDRED THIRTY SIX *
* DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ *
584
01:03:22,602 --> 01:03:28,641
GUYS, GUYS, COME ON, THAT'S
TOTALLY WRONG.
YOU CALL THAT A LOOCHED UP
585
01:03:28,641 --> 01:03:36,082
TRACK?
I SHOULD FEEL FIVE DEEP
POSTED UP AT LOOCH RIGHT ABOUT
586
01:03:36,082 --> 01:03:39,919
NOW.
WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT THAT.
WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT WRITING
587
01:03:39,919 --> 01:03:45,992
A JINGLE THAT FEELED LIKE I'M
GETTING DAKED DOWN IN THE BACK
OF LOOCH?
588
01:03:45,992 --> 01:03:59,205
THEY'RE ABOUT TO KOOT ME OFF,
BUT THEN THAT BARTENDER IN THE
BACK ACTING LIKE BIALIK.
589
01:03:59,205 --> 01:04:04,544
THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE
PRESENTED LIKE A PHONE NUMBER.
OR JUST ANYWHERE NEAR THAT
590
01:04:04,544 --> 01:04:10,083
WOULD BE GREAT.
I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE JUST
THE THING.
591
01:04:10,083 --> 01:04:14,120
ABSOLUTELY.
LET'S TAKE A TRIP.
I WANT TO TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE
592
01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:22,195
WHERE THERE IS NO RACE, NO
RELIGION, A LITTLE PLACE WE CALL
HOME.
593
01:04:22,195 --> 01:04:28,068
BUT YOU MAY KNOW AS LUCCIANO'S.
HERE WE GO.
* ONE THOUSAND-SIX
594
01:04:28,068 --> 01:04:30,070
HUNDRED SEVENTY
TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE
HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE
595
01:04:30,070 --> 01:04:37,911
HUNDRED THIRTY SIX *
ONE MORE TIME.
THAT FEELS SO GOOD.
596
01:04:37,911 --> 01:04:39,646
* ONE THOUSAND-SIX
HUNDRED SEVENTY
TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE
597
01:04:39,646 --> 01:04:48,488
HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE
HUNDRED THIRTY SIX *
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
598
01:04:48,488 --> 01:04:58,264
MITCHELL, DID THEY DO IT?
IS IT LUCHI?
NOT ONLY CAN I NOW PERFECTLY
599
01:04:58,264 --> 01:05:05,071
RECALL THE PHONE NUMBER OF OUR
LAW OFFICE, BUT MORE
IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL ABSOLUTELY
600
01:05:05,071 --> 01:05:14,247
ASS-OUT DAKED DOWN AND LOOCHED
UP.
MY ONLY QUESTION IS -- HOW MUCH?
601
01:05:14,247 --> 01:05:18,351
$10,000.
LESS.
40 EACH.
602
01:05:18,351 --> 01:05:28,061
DEAL.
EVERYBODY!
* 16,000-SEVEN-FIVE HUNDRED *
603
01:05:45,612 --> 01:05:58,358
I WANT TO THANK THE 1975.
FRED ARMISON, THE WONDERFUL, SO,
SO FUNNY CAST, JERRY, DONNA,
604
01:05:58,358 --> 01:06:04,330
KATIE, MY TEAM OF COURSE.
THE CREW, I FEEL LIKE THIS HAS
JUST BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL
605
01:06:04,330 --> 01:06:08,868
EXPERIENCE, AND I'M REALLY,
REALLY GRATEFUL.
THANK YOU GUYS FOR WATCHING AND
606
01:06:08,868 --> 01:06:15,308
LETTING US BE RIDICULOUS AND
LETTING ME DO THIS FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
607
01:06:15,308 --> 01:06:21,781
LETTING ME DO THIS FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
61879
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