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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:04,546 MEL BROOKS: "Galileo." 2 00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:07,299 ♪ harpsichord ♪ 3 00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:10,302 [Italian accent]: Hey! Ciao! Margherita de Medici, 4 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:13,138 this is-a Galileo with a Cameo, 5 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,307 AKA a Galilameo. 6 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:19,186 This is-a from your father, the Grand Duke of Tuscany, 7 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:22,648 and he wanted me to wish you a happy birthday. 8 00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:24,942 16 years old-a, which means 9 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,860 that you can now get married 10 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,487 to the Duke of Parma. 11 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:29,905 And-a that's good for you 12 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:33,492 because they got-a the cheese money. [laughs] 13 00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:36,286 Anyway, I hope it's a successful marriage, 14 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,622 so that we can avoid a land war. 15 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:42,584 Please let your father know that I make-a this message for you, 16 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:46,171 so he can put in a good word with the Pope-a, 17 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,715 and the Pope doesn't torture me 18 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,760 and stretch me out like-a string cheese-a, 19 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,721 bringing it back to the Duke of Parma. 20 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:58,267 Okay, much love and Pisa... [emojis popping] 21 00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,644 the leaning tower of. [mimics trumpet] 22 00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:03,647 ♪ epic theme plays ♪ 23 00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:10,112 MEL: History of the World, Part II! 24 00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:20,122 MEL: Previously, on "The Civil War"... 25 00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:22,040 No more alcohol. 26 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,877 You are ready to join me on a top-secret mission. 27 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,503 We're going to West Virginia. 28 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,964 GENERAL SHERIDAN: General Grant was last seen heading towards Rock Ridge. 29 00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:30,757 You three have been tasked with bringing him back here. 30 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,885 HARRIET TUBMAN: Hands up. DIXON: Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman! 31 00:01:32,885 --> 00:01:34,344 We hate Yankees. 32 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:37,973 - [guns cocking] - Ouchie-wowchie. Okay... 33 00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:38,974 ♪ dramatic sting ♪ 34 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,812 [church bell tolls] [crowd chatter] 35 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:47,774 Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. [spits] 36 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:48,775 [both groan] 37 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,487 Ulysses Grant and Honest Abe Lincoln's son. 38 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:55,073 You picked the wrong saloon to have a drink at. 39 00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,950 [laughing] 40 00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,370 [grumbles indistinctly] 41 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,247 - What? - What'd he say? 42 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,208 I said! Have you got... 43 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,376 [grumbles indistinctly] 44 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,045 What are you saying? 45 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,839 He said, "You got any last words?" 46 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:13,675 Oh! Oh, last words. Yes. [clears throat] 47 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,552 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 48 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:18,889 May God save and protect our union. 49 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:21,308 [townsfolk jeering] 50 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,893 Yeah, that's right, eat shit. 51 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:25,354 What about you, little Lincoln boy? 52 00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:27,689 So, you won't kill us until we're done talking? 53 00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,233 Them the rules, boy. 54 00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:31,443 Is-is that a hard-and-fast rule? 55 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:33,028 I always thought it was more of a guideline. 56 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:35,197 [gunshot] [crowd gasps] 57 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:39,117 Right in the kishkes! Ooh-ah! [thud] 58 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,661 - Oh boy. Okay. - God. 59 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,871 Come on. Come on, boy! RT LINCOLN: Uh, okay... 60 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,582 Uh... [deep inhale] 61 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:48,210 First of all, um, I'd like to thank my parents. 62 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:51,588 To Dad, you were always so tall. 63 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,424 And Mom, everybody thought you were nuts, 64 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:57,052 but really, to me, you were just Mom. 65 00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:59,638 [tepid clapping] Thank you, but not done yet. 66 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:02,015 [quiet chatter] Thank you. Thank you. 67 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,809 [train rumbling] 68 00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,894 We made it! Rock Ridge! 69 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,938 DIXON: It looked a lot different in Blazing Saddles. 70 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,065 And, uh, to General Grant, 71 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:11,692 - the man sitting next to me. - No, no. 72 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:15,529 You are my hero, you are my mentor, 73 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,614 and now, you are my friend. 74 00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,491 Ah, I'm gonna cry! 75 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,034 I'm gonna freaking cry. 76 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,494 [laughing cry] 77 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,163 ♪ 78 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,164 It's them! 79 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,877 - General Grant and RT? - Are they in trouble? 80 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,256 Oh, my God, they're so far away! 81 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,757 - Turn it around. - Turn it around. 82 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:39,595 Ah! They're gonna hang 'em! 83 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:44,099 Okay, okay, okay. I think the only move here 84 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,476 is to get back on Harriet's train and go to Canada. 85 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,312 learn manners, get healthcare, pretend we like poutine. 86 00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:49,354 MINGOES: Oh, I can't! 87 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,440 I can't pretend I like lukewarm cheese curds. 88 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,025 HONEYBEARD: There are no other options, Mingoes! 89 00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:55,402 - Wait! I have an idea! - Huh? 90 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:58,030 - [whispers indistinctly] - Oh! 91 00:03:58,030 --> 00:03:59,531 [whispers indistinctly] 92 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,326 [inhales] It's just us. 93 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:03,869 ♪ 94 00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,333 ♪ electronic music plays ♪ 95 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:12,211 FEMALE NARRATOR: Tell me there's gravity without telling me there's gravity. 96 00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:14,838 Me? Galileo? I go first. 97 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:16,798 [clang] [yelling] 98 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:17,716 Achoo! 99 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:18,926 Ah! 100 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:22,179 Mamma mia! [wind blowing] 101 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,139 Hey! I'm-a flying! 102 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:26,725 A-gravity not so real! 103 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,520 Oh no, I'm-a falling again! [wind blowing] 104 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,606 Why didn't I invent the parachute-a? [emoji pops] 105 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,901 ♪ funk music ♪ 106 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,903 MEL: "Shirley Chisholm." 107 00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:41,740 ANNOUNCER: Previously, on Shirley!... 108 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,868 - Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me... - Well, great. 109 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,495 To run for president! 110 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,789 REPORTER [on TV]: Alabama governor and presidential candidate 111 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,708 George Wallace is hospitalized after being shot. 112 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,794 This is terrible! What do we do? 113 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,755 We celebrate. I'm making a Manhattan. 114 00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:01,385 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪ 115 00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:04,555 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman, she's Shirley ♪ 116 00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:07,766 ♪ It's been a long, hard road, but hope was never lost ♪ 117 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:11,728 ♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪ 118 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:15,732 ♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 119 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,276 ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you 120 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:20,529 by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm 121 00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:23,866 and filmed in front of a live Black audience. 122 00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:25,409 ♪ 123 00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,827 I need to go see Wallace. 124 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,121 What are you talkin' about? 125 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:32,082 Uh-uh, Shirley, now, the press is swarming the hospital. 126 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,293 If you go visit that cuckoo Klux Klansman... 127 00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:36,503 [audience laughter] ...your campaign is over! 128 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,881 But, it's the Christian thing to do. 129 00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,674 Alright, th-that's it, that's it. Cut! 130 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,009 Cut! Where's the director at? 131 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,760 What's going on now? Look, I know you guys have us 132 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,304 doin' some crazy shit up in here, 133 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,724 but why in the world would Shirley go visit George Wallace at the hospital? 134 00:05:48,724 --> 00:05:52,352 Conrad, this is something that actually happened. 135 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,479 - Really? - Now get your butt over here, 136 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:55,606 and say your next line. 137 00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,399 [scattered laughter] 138 00:05:57,399 --> 00:06:01,195 Action. Alright, honey. If you're goin', I'm goin' with you. 139 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:04,698 - Me, too! - How about you, Mama? 140 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:08,076 I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the stirring. 141 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,494 [laughter, applause] 142 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,496 ♪ 143 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:15,375 CONRAD: Did I really need to be disguised in a full-body cast? 144 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,877 [laughter] 145 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,712 It doesn't even look like Conrad! 146 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,923 I ain't putting on that thing. I'm claustrophobic. 147 00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:23,842 - [indistinct announcement] - This must be him. 148 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,594 You two stand guard. 149 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:26,803 Oh! 150 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,598 I see you're going to check on Governor Wallace. 151 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,391 Uh, yes, I'm going to check his... 152 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,143 oil? 153 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:35,729 [laughter] 154 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,856 Well then you wouldn't mind administering 155 00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:40,609 his next dose of painkiller while you're at it. 156 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,654 Uh, you sure I should be doing this? 157 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:47,282 Yeah, it's the '70s. Now, if you'll excuse me, 158 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,701 I'm off to an interracial orgy 159 00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:53,622 where everyone will have a huge bush! [audience laughing] 160 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:57,584 ♪ jazzy music ♪ 161 00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,878 ANNOUNCER: Shirley! will be right back 162 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:02,381 after a bunch of cigarette commercials. 163 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:07,386 ♪ Jackass theme plays ♪ 164 00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:11,223 I am Rasputin, and this is the human cigarette. 165 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,100 [laughter] [Rasputin whimpering] 166 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,394 ♪ Jackass theme plays ♪ 167 00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:18,981 [laughter continues] [dynamite hissing] 168 00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,566 ♪ 169 00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:23,318 [spits] Oh! That did it! [laughter] 170 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:26,321 Oh-ho-ho! My bottom half's on fire! 171 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,615 [laughter continues] Come on, guys, put out the fire! 172 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,618 Relax, comrade, we will give you golden shower. 173 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,953 Oh! Ho ho! 174 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,415 [laughter continues] 175 00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,458 Oh, not in my face, comrade! 176 00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:42,671 MEL: Now, back to "The Civil War." 177 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:45,716 ♪ 178 00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,135 RT: Let's see, um, in the new, uh, bestseller-- 179 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,928 I don't know if you guys have heard of this new thing, 180 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:53,724 it's called the dictionary. Uh, Daniel Webster just wrote it. Um... 181 00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:57,227 it defines honor as one 182 00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:00,689 who brings worth or respect or-- ♪ play-off music ♪ 183 00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,608 Okay, y-yeah. They're playing me off. 184 00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:06,153 Alright, I-I'm going. Um, there are so many people I have to thank still. 185 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,821 Um, everyone at UTA, 186 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,782 Jared Levine, Jared Cohen, Jared Cohenstein-- 187 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:13,076 - Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum-- 188 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,954 Okay! Alright! Alright! That's enough. We ain't got time for the Jew stuff. 189 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,498 - Okay, I'm still talking. I'm still-- - That's enough, little boy! 190 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,708 That's enough, little boy. 191 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:21,793 Hang 'em! 192 00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,421 - [crowd cheering] - Oh boy. Okay. Yeah, this is happening. 193 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:27,341 This is happening right now. Oh, they got a guy. They got a guy. 194 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:31,220 [bugle playing] [confused chatter] 195 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:34,681 Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their stint in Europe, 196 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,100 please welcome the Confederate Players! 197 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,228 Let's bring up our emcee. 198 00:08:39,228 --> 00:08:42,314 He's First Nation and first in your heart. 199 00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,650 Give it up for Mingoes! 200 00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:48,362 [scattered applause] 201 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,363 FLEETUS: Oh, boy. 202 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:53,325 - [mic feedback] - Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Mingoes. 203 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,370 Uh, so... 204 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,872 I just came from St. Louis, and, uh... 205 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:03,168 Oh wait, I was supposed to say St. Louis, Missouri, 206 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:06,046 because this joke is about the Missouri Compromise and-- 207 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,422 [grumbles indistinctly] 208 00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:09,091 What, what? 209 00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:10,926 He said, "You suck, weirdo." 210 00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:14,179 [townsfolk agreeing] 211 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,264 Go. You got it. You're good. 212 00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,517 Has anybody heard about this telegraph? 213 00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,435 Ah, go back home, weirdo! 214 00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:22,145 [townsfolk agreeing] 215 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:24,982 Y-You know, I would love to, 216 00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:28,652 but a bunch of you colonizers built an Ohio on top of my home. 217 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:32,322 [laughter] 218 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:36,702 I-I mean, if you're gonna genocide a people, 219 00:09:36,702 --> 00:09:39,329 you should get something better out of it than Cleveland. 220 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,416 [raucous laughter] FLEETUS: That is a good observation! 221 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:46,420 If your house is near a river you can't pronounce, 222 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,839 you might be a colonizer. 223 00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:52,259 [raucous laughter] 224 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,052 HONEYBEARD: It's working, Mingoes! 225 00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,639 [timidly]: Did I just find my voice? 226 00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,933 [mic feedback] [confidently]: What else is going on here? 227 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,020 Is anybody here from Atlanta? [townsfolk cheering] 228 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:06,273 Yeah? Well, your shit's on fire. 229 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,067 [raucous laughter] 230 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,069 Anyway, you guys 231 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:14,489 have been a bunch of inbred demons rotten to your core, 232 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:17,618 but please welcome the Dixie Dicks! 233 00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,369 - [bugle playing] - Dixie Dicks? 234 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,997 DIXON: You know what to do, Mingoes. MINGOES: On it! 235 00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,708 [cheering] FLEETUS: Oh, yeah! 236 00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:27,419 Nice, a little music. I like they do stand-up, then the music. 237 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,379 Totally. We got a good view, too. GRANT: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 238 00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:32,049 Boy, I'll tell you what, it is good to be back in the South. 239 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,092 [cheering] 240 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,011 Yeah, we just got back from the North. 241 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:38,472 [jeering] 242 00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,933 [whinnies] [glass breaks] 243 00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:43,936 Jesus Christ. Uh, you were saying something, though, 244 00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:46,647 - while we were leaving. - Oh, I sure was, partner. 245 00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,899 - What was that thing you were saying? - Well, Dix, 246 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:52,819 I believe I said something like this. 247 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,029 ♪ strums banjo ♪ 248 00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:57,199 ♪ Well, I've traveled this great land of ours ♪ 249 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,576 ♪ And let me be the first ♪ 250 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:03,205 ♪ To say them Yankee states are among the greats... ♪ 251 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,540 [confused chatter] 252 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:06,792 BOTH: ♪ Of all-time rotten worst ♪ 253 00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,001 [cheering] 254 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:08,919 ♪ So, fuck the North ♪ 255 00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:10,087 TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North! 256 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,506 ♪ Fuck that godforsaken North ♪ 257 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,299 ♪ Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪ 258 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,551 ♪ Fuck the North ♪ 259 00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:16,677 TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North! 260 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:19,137 ♪ Massachusetts's filled with snooty pricks ♪ 261 00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,807 ♪ New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪ 262 00:11:21,807 --> 00:11:23,600 ♪ And them fat cat porkers they call New Yorkers ♪ 263 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,727 ♪ Disgust me to my soul ♪ 264 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:29,523 ♪ Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada, and I hope New Hampshire follows ♪ 265 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:32,192 ♪ And Illinois sucks great big donkey dicks ♪ 266 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,069 ♪ While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪ 267 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,906 BOTH: ♪ So, forgive the hateful bile that we spew forth ♪ 268 00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:38,907 [spits] 269 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,368 ♪ But we hate them fucking fuckers, fuck the North ♪ 270 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,037 TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North! [cheering] 271 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:47,082 - This song is highly offensive. - Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps. 272 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,501 RT: It is a bop. [cheering] 273 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,170 [gritted teeth]: This is a fucking freak show. 274 00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,880 [gritted teeth]: Time to save the day. 275 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,840 Mingoes, we're running out of states to sing about. 276 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,466 ♪ song continues ♪ 277 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,635 ♪ Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪ 278 00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,137 ♪ Filled with lowlifes, chumps, and, cheese ♪ 279 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:04,057 ♪ And Minnesota reeks of Viking farts even when it's two degrees ♪ 280 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,058 [fart] 281 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,810 ♪ I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪ 282 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:09,646 ♪ With all them shakin' quakin' losers ♪ 283 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,940 ♪ And Indiana's worst of all ♪ 284 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,942 BOTH: ♪ Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪ 285 00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,569 ♪ So, fuck the North ♪ 286 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:16,570 TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North! 287 00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:17,863 ♪ Yeah, fuck the lot ♪ 288 00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,698 [cheering] 289 00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,617 Hey! BOTH: Hm? 290 00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,785 ♪ There ain't nothing worse on God's green earth than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪ 291 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,204 BOTH: ♪ Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪ 292 00:12:25,204 --> 00:12:27,706 ♪ They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪ 293 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,417 ♪ It's a land of snobs and dandies ♪ 294 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,419 ♪ Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪ 295 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:35,631 ♪ I say fuck them fuckin' fuckers, fuck the North! ♪ 296 00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:36,673 TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North! 297 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,842 ♪ song crescendos, ends ♪ 298 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:39,843 ♪ Woo-hoo! ♪ 299 00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:43,680 [cheering, applauding] 300 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,015 Thank you! We are 301 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,392 three Union soldiers on a rescue mission! 302 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,310 ♪ dramatic sting ♪ 303 00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:49,520 [gasping] 304 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,022 I mean... The Confederate Players! 305 00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:54,358 Crabapples. [guns cocking] 306 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,777 Hey! 307 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,779 What the hell we got here? 308 00:12:58,779 --> 00:12:59,821 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 309 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,990 I got him! He was trying to escape! 310 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,076 - Yeah? [spits] - Gimme your gun. 311 00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:06,286 Yeah, get him. You can-- Wha-- Oh, no! Hell nah! 312 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,412 Dammit. 313 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,002 ♪ 314 00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:17,840 Hey, what's up-a, famiglia? It's your boy-a Galileo. 315 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,843 Boy, that gravity bit went more viral 316 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:23,220 than syphilis at a Borgia orgy. [sexual moaning] 317 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:25,264 Hashtag "borgy," 318 00:13:25,264 --> 00:13:27,558 which I understand is now trending? 319 00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:29,101 [laughs] LOL! 320 00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:32,020 But-a, now that I have-a your attention, 321 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,480 I want to talk to you 322 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,149 about how the Earth revolve around the sun. 323 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,402 I can prove it with a little something 324 00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:40,779 called a... telescope. 325 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:44,199 You may not have heard of it because I just invented it. 326 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:45,659 [air horns blaring] 327 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:46,994 ♪ 328 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,329 ♪ 329 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,123 MEL: "The Yalta Conference." 330 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,749 ♪ 331 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:56,128 History is told in pictures, and no one took those pictures 332 00:13:56,128 --> 00:13:59,256 like the famed historical photographer Sergei 333 00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:02,718 alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay. [projector clicks] 334 00:14:02,718 --> 00:14:06,346 Watch him shoot Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin 335 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,892 as the three men try to end World War II. 336 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,768 [shutter snapping] JOSEPH STALIN: Please, Mr. Roosevelt, 337 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,478 Berlin is in our quarter of the country. 338 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,148 We will make sure is safe, not to worry. [laughs] 339 00:14:16,148 --> 00:14:18,942 And who, Joseph, would keep us safe from you? 340 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,944 [overlapping chatter] [sighs] 341 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,447 [whispers]: The one in the middle is driving me nuts! 342 00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:24,740 [Clay groans] 343 00:14:24,740 --> 00:14:28,911 Like, he's just got a dumb suit like some bozo finance bro. 344 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,537 - CLAY: Very bad. - What do I do with him? 345 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:33,123 - This guy is useless. - I have an idea. 346 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,125 Cape! 347 00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:37,002 Cape! 348 00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:39,046 Oh! You never cease to amaze me. 349 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,881 Oh, my... CLAY: Okay, come on. 350 00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,090 You're so smart! 351 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,968 - Ooh! Who is my big cape boy? - Uh, I, I am. 352 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,595 [shutter snaps] CLAY: Okay! [laughs] 353 00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,639 Daddy! [laughs] 354 00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,516 - Oh! Oh, oh! - Yes! 355 00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:52,351 You saved the day! STALIN: It looks good. 356 00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:54,353 I-I will also take a cape. 357 00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:55,521 No, you won't. 358 00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,731 You grabby bitch. 359 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,859 [growls] Alright, everybody, come on! Smile! 360 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:03,570 [shutter snaps] Ugh, repulsive. 361 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,280 I gotta shake it up. Attention! 362 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,115 ♪ runway music ♪ 363 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,743 At ease. Put your heads down. 364 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:10,953 [shutter snaps] 365 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,622 Look left. Look right. [shutter snapping] 366 00:15:13,622 --> 00:15:15,082 You're at a party. 367 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:16,500 [murmuring] You don't know anyone. 368 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:19,169 You're a little shy, but you still make eye contact. 369 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,255 Show me your pearly grays! 370 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,506 [shutter snapping] 371 00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:24,341 Oh, fuck, girl. Look at that. CLAY: Disgusting! 372 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,176 - So terrifying. - Ew! 373 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:27,553 [laughter] 374 00:15:27,553 --> 00:15:29,096 You know what? We're gonna fly in some props. 375 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,722 You're in a band! [shutter snaps] 376 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,766 Girls' night! [cheering] 377 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,893 Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to? [shutter snaps] 378 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:38,856 Uh-oh! Winston, help her! She's throwing up on the party bus! 379 00:15:38,856 --> 00:15:41,483 You caught a fish! That's a big fish! [impressed murmuring] 380 00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:42,734 ♪ 381 00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:45,779 Eh, we'll just go with this one. CLAY: Yeah, it'll work. 382 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,865 Okay, I think we got it! Thank you guys so much! 383 00:15:47,865 --> 00:15:49,908 This was so much fun! Thank you, thank you, thank you. 384 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,328 And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin. [clapping] 385 00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:56,039 They need to work on their club scene Am I right, you basic slut? [laughs] 386 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,250 Please tell me you found me a matcha latte. 387 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,794 I had to go to the Starbucks in the supermarket to get it. 388 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:01,920 Uh, excuse me. 389 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,964 Yes? FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT: Sorry to interrupt. 390 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,967 Do you shoot messy flag-raisings? 391 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,803 Because we have something coming up in Iwo Jima. 392 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,722 Okay, you're embarrassing. 393 00:16:11,722 --> 00:16:14,933 But you're adorable! Of course, we'll be there! Obvi! 394 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:18,103 Baby, schedule some waxes, we're going to... 395 00:16:18,103 --> 00:16:20,522 [grandiose]: the South Pacific! 396 00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:21,982 Almost! Almost there! 397 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,859 [shutter snaps] CLAY: It's fabulous, daddy! 398 00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:27,154 ♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 399 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,281 MEL: Now, back to "Shirley Chisholm." 400 00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:33,619 ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on a very special episode of Shirley!, 401 00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:37,331 playing White racist Governor George Wallace 402 00:16:37,331 --> 00:16:40,876 is national treasure comedian George Wallace. 403 00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,962 - [audience applauding] - Nurse! Nurse! 404 00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:46,298 [audience cheering] Nurse! 405 00:16:46,298 --> 00:16:48,050 I am not your nurse. [laughter] 406 00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,177 Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor! 407 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:53,096 The only medical professional you need 408 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:56,517 is an equine proctologist because you, sir, 409 00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:58,185 are a horse's ass. 410 00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,813 - [audience laughing] - Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm! 411 00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:02,981 Oh, Lord, have mercy! 412 00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:04,107 Oh, oh, oh, oh! 413 00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:06,527 - [laughter] - Now, you broke your bed! 414 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,988 This hospital is so cheap, when I got my operation for anesthesia, 415 00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,657 the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!" 416 00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:12,783 [audience laughing] 417 00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:14,868 You come here to finish the job? You gonna kill me? 418 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,745 I'm not here to finish the job. 419 00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:19,915 I'm here to say I'm sorry for what happened. 420 00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:23,669 Well, I'm here as a racist white man with a gunshot wound. 421 00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:25,963 Now, get your ugly ass outta here. 422 00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:28,799 [pained groaning] [audience laughing] 423 00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:31,093 A little prick for a big one. 424 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,053 [groans] [audience laughter] 425 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,473 Why, Shirley Chisholm, in all my years, I have never... 426 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,227 ever felt so... 427 00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:41,687 groovy. 428 00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:43,897 Well, now that you've gone from 429 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:45,816 Jim Crow to Jim Morrison, 430 00:17:45,816 --> 00:17:49,152 maybe you and I can have a real conversation, George. 431 00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:52,114 You got any of those little funny cigarettes, Shirley? 432 00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:54,324 - [audience laughter] - George, we need to change 433 00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:56,243 the political discourse in this country. 434 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,412 America doesn't need 435 00:17:58,412 --> 00:18:00,998 more name-calling and gun fights. 436 00:18:00,998 --> 00:18:04,293 America needs strong leadership 437 00:18:04,293 --> 00:18:07,129 and more television channels. [audience laughing] 438 00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,548 You know, Shirley, truth is... 439 00:18:09,548 --> 00:18:11,508 I'm scared. AUDIENCE: Aw... 440 00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:15,304 I'm scared of giving power to the people that we've done so much harm to. 441 00:18:15,304 --> 00:18:18,390 I'm scared that I'm not really superior to anybody. 442 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,560 And I'm scared of olives. They look like little witches' eyes! 443 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,854 They're going, "I'm gonna get you and your little..." 444 00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:25,772 [babbling] [audience laughing] 445 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,733 This is some good shit. 446 00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:29,359 [audience laughing] 447 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,528 Just promise me one thing, Shirley. 448 00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,488 Promise me no matter what happens, 449 00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,575 we will always be friends. 450 00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:39,369 I don't know about friends, George, 451 00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,455 but let's not be foes. 452 00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:43,624 [happy chuckling] AUDIENCE: Aw... 453 00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:47,044 Uh, Dr. Chisholm? Um, the press is here. 454 00:18:47,044 --> 00:18:49,213 The press? I said, I said, did you say the press? 455 00:18:49,213 --> 00:18:51,048 Oh, I can't be associated with you people. 456 00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:54,635 - Y'all go on and get outta here, okay? - Well, I guess the drugs wore off. 457 00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:56,637 Wait. Before you leave, 458 00:18:56,637 --> 00:19:00,432 would you be a dear and empty my bedpan? 459 00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:03,310 Uh! If you think Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm 460 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,686 is gonna be your servant, 461 00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:06,104 - you got another... - No, no, no, no, Flo. 462 00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,564 It would be my pleasure. 463 00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:11,610 Besides, it's the Christian thing to do. 464 00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:14,404 ♪ jazzy music ♪ 465 00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:17,115 [yelling] 466 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:20,327 Let's get outta here. [Flo laughing] 467 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,788 [audience laughter] CONRAD: Oh! Who's there? 468 00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,290 Where are you taking me? I hope to the food court! 469 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:29,086 I'll be performing at the world-famous Laugh Factory in Las Vegas. 470 00:19:29,086 --> 00:19:30,504 You can go see the Blue Man 471 00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:32,172 or you can come see the Black man. 472 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:34,508 [audience laughing] 473 00:19:34,508 --> 00:19:38,470 ♪ Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪ 474 00:19:41,932 --> 00:19:43,767 ♪ 475 00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:47,062 Ciao, famiglia. It's-a your boy, Galileo. 476 00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,565 I know you have-a not heard from me for a while, 477 00:19:49,565 --> 00:19:52,818 and that's because I was arrested for heresy-a. 478 00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:57,906 But the truth is-a nobody love-a the church more than-a me! 479 00:19:57,906 --> 00:20:01,034 Some of my best friends, they're-a priests. 480 00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:03,579 My two daughters, they are nuns. 481 00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:05,622 [whip cracks] Hashtag "Nun Dad." 482 00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:09,293 So, I'm-a gonna go take some time away, 483 00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:11,920 think about what I say. 484 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,006 I'm-a so sorry. 485 00:20:14,006 --> 00:20:16,466 I-I don't mean any of it. 486 00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:20,262 I want to reflect on what I did and think about the gravity 487 00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,973 of talking about gravity. 488 00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:25,267 And maybe one day, I can come back 489 00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,769 and just do goof-arounds 490 00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,479 like I used to do. 491 00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:30,939 [air horns blaring] 492 00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:32,774 That's it from me, Galileo. 493 00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:35,903 To all of you I say, uh, Pisa, 494 00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:37,487 Leaning Tower of. [emoji pops] 495 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,198 ♪ 496 00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:41,992 MEL: Now, back to "The Civil War." 497 00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:45,954 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 498 00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,706 [birds screeching] 499 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,208 ALL: Shit. 500 00:20:49,208 --> 00:20:51,752 If you're about to hang a Native American, 501 00:20:51,752 --> 00:20:53,670 you might be a colonizer. 502 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,757 You're shaking, sir. You nervous about dying? 503 00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:59,760 Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs. 504 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,887 By the way, great rescue mission. 505 00:21:01,887 --> 00:21:03,722 Oh, thank you. That means a lot coming from you. 506 00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:05,349 I'm joking. Look at us. We're fucked. 507 00:21:05,349 --> 00:21:08,393 Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs are guilty of espionage and treason! 508 00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:10,896 Plus, that song you sang, that don't have a proper hook. 509 00:21:10,896 --> 00:21:12,940 It's a new type of song, okay? 510 00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:15,192 Hang 'em! [townsfolk cheering] 511 00:21:17,236 --> 00:21:18,862 Oh, shit. Dying sober. 512 00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,822 I'm dying sober. Oh, this is the worst. 513 00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:23,825 [drums playing] 514 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:28,622 [gun firing] [all gasping] 515 00:21:28,622 --> 00:21:30,999 [gunshots continue] RT: What's going on? 516 00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:32,626 We're escaping, that's what! Hyah! 517 00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:33,961 [horses whinnies] 518 00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:37,464 ♪ triumphant Western music ♪ 519 00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,591 [gunshot] 520 00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,888 Thought they was gonna save Grant without my help. 521 00:21:44,888 --> 00:21:46,557 [scoffs] Dumbasses. 522 00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,226 [train whistling] I'm comin', I'm comin'! 523 00:21:49,226 --> 00:21:52,062 [German accent]: Hello? Hello, excuse me! 524 00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:54,189 Is this the train to JFK? 525 00:21:54,189 --> 00:21:55,649 What time is your flight? 526 00:21:55,649 --> 00:21:57,609 - Uh, 4:00! - You'll never make it. 527 00:21:57,609 --> 00:21:59,695 [yelling in German] 528 00:21:59,695 --> 00:22:02,698 ♪ Western music continues ♪ 38540

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