Original subtitles

MEL BROOKS: "Galileo."

♪ harpsichord ♪

[Italian accent]: Hey! Ciao! Margherita de Medici,

this is-a Galileo with a Cameo,

AKA a Galilameo.

This is-a from your father, the Grand Duke of Tuscany,

and he wanted me to wish you a happy birthday.

16 years old-a, which means

that you can now get married

to the Duke of Parma.

And-a that's good for you

because they got-a the cheese money. [laughs]

Anyway, I hope it's a successful marriage,

so that we can avoid a land war.

Please let your father know that I make-a this message for you,

so he can put in a good word with the Pope-a,

and the Pope doesn't torture me

and stretch me out like-a string cheese-a,

bringing it back to the Duke of Parma.

Okay, much love and Pisa... [emojis popping]

the leaning tower of. [mimics trumpet]

♪ epic theme plays ♪

MEL: History of the World, Part II!

MEL: Previously, on "The Civil War"...

No more alcohol.

You are ready to join me on a top-secret mission.

We're going to West Virginia.

GENERAL SHERIDAN: General Grant was last seen heading towards Rock Ridge.

You three have been tasked with bringing him back here.

HARRIET TUBMAN: Hands up. DIXON: Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!

We hate Yankees.

- [guns cocking] - Ouchie-wowchie. Okay...

♪ dramatic sting ♪

[church bell tolls] [crowd chatter]

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. [spits]

[both groan]

Ulysses Grant and Honest Abe Lincoln's son.

You picked the wrong saloon to have a drink at.

[laughing]

[grumbles indistinctly]

- What? - What'd he say?

I said! Have you got...

[grumbles indistinctly]

What are you saying?

He said, "You got any last words?"

Oh! Oh, last words. Yes. [clears throat]

♪ dramatic music ♪

May God save and protect our union.

[townsfolk jeering]

Yeah, that's right, eat shit.

What about you, little Lincoln boy?

So, you won't kill us until we're done talking?

Them the rules, boy.

Is-is that a hard-and-fast rule?

I always thought it was more of a guideline.

[gunshot] [crowd gasps]

Right in the kishkes! Ooh-ah! [thud]

- Oh boy. Okay. - God.

Come on. Come on, boy! RT LINCOLN: Uh, okay...

Uh... [deep inhale]

First of all, um, I'd like to thank my parents.

To Dad, you were always so tall.

And Mom, everybody thought you were nuts,

but really, to me, you were just Mom.

[tepid clapping] Thank you, but not done yet.

[quiet chatter] Thank you. Thank you.

[train rumbling]

We made it! Rock Ridge!

DIXON: It looked a lot different in Blazing Saddles.

And, uh, to General Grant,

- the man sitting next to me. - No, no.

You are my hero, you are my mentor,

and now, you are my friend.

Ah, I'm gonna cry!

I'm gonna freaking cry.

[laughing cry]

♪

It's them!

- General Grant and RT? - Are they in trouble?

Oh, my God, they're so far away!

- Turn it around. - Turn it around.

Ah! They're gonna hang 'em!

Okay, okay, okay. I think the only move here

is to get back on Harriet's train and go to Canada.

learn manners, get healthcare, pretend we like poutine.

MINGOES: Oh, I can't!

I can't pretend I like lukewarm cheese curds.

HONEYBEARD: There are no other options, Mingoes!

- Wait! I have an idea! - Huh?

- [whispers indistinctly] - Oh!

[whispers indistinctly]

[inhales] It's just us.

♪

♪ electronic music plays ♪

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tell me there's gravity without telling me there's gravity.

Me? Galileo? I go first.

[clang] [yelling]

Achoo!

Ah!

Mamma mia! [wind blowing]

Hey! I'm-a flying!

A-gravity not so real!

Oh no, I'm-a falling again! [wind blowing]

Why didn't I invent the parachute-a? [emoji pops]

♪ funk music ♪

MEL: "Shirley Chisholm."

ANNOUNCER: Previously, on Shirley!...

- Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me... - Well, great.

To run for president!

REPORTER [on TV]: Alabama governor and presidential candidate

George Wallace is hospitalized after being shot.

This is terrible! What do we do?

We celebrate. I'm making a Manhattan.

♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪

♪ She's the first Black congresswoman, she's Shirley ♪

♪ It's been a long, hard road, but hope was never lost ♪

♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you

by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm

and filmed in front of a live Black audience.

♪

I need to go see Wallace.

What are you talkin' about?

Uh-uh, Shirley, now, the press is swarming the hospital.

If you go visit that cuckoo Klux Klansman...

[audience laughter] ...your campaign is over!

But, it's the Christian thing to do.

Alright, th-that's it, that's it. Cut!

Cut! Where's the director at?

What's going on now? Look, I know you guys have us

doin' some crazy shit up in here,

but why in the world would Shirley go visit George Wallace at the hospital?

Conrad, this is something that actually happened.

- Really? - Now get your butt over here,

and say your next line.

[scattered laughter]

Action. Alright, honey. If you're goin', I'm goin' with you.

- Me, too! - How about you, Mama?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the stirring.

[laughter, applause]

♪

CONRAD: Did I really need to be disguised in a full-body cast?

[laughter]

It doesn't even look like Conrad!

I ain't putting on that thing. I'm claustrophobic.

- [indistinct announcement] - This must be him.

You two stand guard.

Oh!

I see you're going to check on Governor Wallace.

Uh, yes, I'm going to check his...

oil?

[laughter]

Well then you wouldn't mind administering

his next dose of painkiller while you're at it.

Uh, you sure I should be doing this?

Yeah, it's the '70s. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to an interracial orgy

where everyone will have a huge bush! [audience laughing]

♪ jazzy music ♪

ANNOUNCER: Shirley! will be right back

after a bunch of cigarette commercials.

♪ Jackass theme plays ♪

I am Rasputin, and this is the human cigarette.

[laughter] [Rasputin whimpering]

♪ Jackass theme plays ♪

[laughter continues] [dynamite hissing]

♪

[spits] Oh! That did it! [laughter]

Oh-ho-ho! My bottom half's on fire!

[laughter continues] Come on, guys, put out the fire!

Relax, comrade, we will give you golden shower.

Oh! Ho ho!

[laughter continues]

Oh, not in my face, comrade!

MEL: Now, back to "The Civil War."

♪

RT: Let's see, um, in the new, uh, bestseller--

I don't know if you guys have heard of this new thing,

it's called the dictionary. Uh, Daniel Webster just wrote it. Um...

it defines honor as one

who brings worth or respect or-- ♪ play-off music ♪

Okay, y-yeah. They're playing me off.

Alright, I-I'm going. Um, there are so many people I have to thank still.

Um, everyone at UTA,

Jared Levine, Jared Cohen, Jared Cohenstein--

- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum--

Okay! Alright! Alright! That's enough. We ain't got time for the Jew stuff.

- Okay, I'm still talking. I'm still-- - That's enough, little boy!

That's enough, little boy.

Hang 'em!

- [crowd cheering] - Oh boy. Okay. Yeah, this is happening.

This is happening right now. Oh, they got a guy. They got a guy.

[bugle playing] [confused chatter]

Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their stint in Europe,

please welcome the Confederate Players!

Let's bring up our emcee.

He's First Nation and first in your heart.

Give it up for Mingoes!

[scattered applause]

FLEETUS: Oh, boy.

- [mic feedback] - Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Mingoes.

Uh, so...

I just came from St. Louis, and, uh...

Oh wait, I was supposed to say St. Louis, Missouri,

because this joke is about the Missouri Compromise and--

[grumbles indistinctly]

What, what?

He said, "You suck, weirdo."

[townsfolk agreeing]

Go. You got it. You're good.

Has anybody heard about this telegraph?

Ah, go back home, weirdo!

[townsfolk agreeing]

Y-You know, I would love to,

but a bunch of you colonizers built an Ohio on top of my home.

[laughter]

I-I mean, if you're gonna genocide a people,

you should get something better out of it than Cleveland.

[raucous laughter] FLEETUS: That is a good observation!

If your house is near a river you can't pronounce,

you might be a colonizer.

[raucous laughter]

HONEYBEARD: It's working, Mingoes!

[timidly]: Did I just find my voice?

[mic feedback] [confidently]: What else is going on here?

Is anybody here from Atlanta? [townsfolk cheering]

Yeah? Well, your shit's on fire.

[raucous laughter]

Anyway, you guys

have been a bunch of inbred demons rotten to your core,

but please welcome the Dixie Dicks!

- [bugle playing] - Dixie Dicks?

DIXON: You know what to do, Mingoes. MINGOES: On it!

[cheering] FLEETUS: Oh, yeah!

Nice, a little music. I like they do stand-up, then the music.

Totally. We got a good view, too. GRANT: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boy, I'll tell you what, it is good to be back in the South.

[cheering]

Yeah, we just got back from the North.

[jeering]

[whinnies] [glass breaks]

Jesus Christ. Uh, you were saying something, though,

- while we were leaving. - Oh, I sure was, partner.

- What was that thing you were saying? - Well, Dix,

I believe I said something like this.

♪ strums banjo ♪

♪ Well, I've traveled this great land of ours ♪

♪ And let me be the first ♪

♪ To say them Yankee states are among the greats... ♪

[confused chatter]

BOTH: ♪ Of all-time rotten worst ♪

[cheering]

♪ So, fuck the North ♪

TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North!

♪ Fuck that godforsaken North ♪

♪ Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪

♪ Fuck the North ♪

TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North!

♪ Massachusetts's filled with snooty pricks ♪

♪ New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪

♪ And them fat cat porkers they call New Yorkers ♪

♪ Disgust me to my soul ♪

♪ Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada, and I hope New Hampshire follows ♪

♪ And Illinois sucks great big donkey dicks ♪

♪ While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪

BOTH: ♪ So, forgive the hateful bile that we spew forth ♪

[spits]

♪ But we hate them fucking fuckers, fuck the North ♪

TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North! [cheering]

- This song is highly offensive. - Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps.

RT: It is a bop. [cheering]

[gritted teeth]: This is a fucking freak show.

[gritted teeth]: Time to save the day.

Mingoes, we're running out of states to sing about.

♪ song continues ♪

♪ Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪

♪ Filled with lowlifes, chumps, and, cheese ♪

♪ And Minnesota reeks of Viking farts even when it's two degrees ♪

[fart]

♪ I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪

♪ With all them shakin' quakin' losers ♪

♪ And Indiana's worst of all ♪

BOTH: ♪ Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪

♪ So, fuck the North ♪

TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North!

♪ Yeah, fuck the lot ♪

[cheering]

Hey! BOTH: Hm?

♪ There ain't nothing worse on God's green earth than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪

♪ They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪

♪ It's a land of snobs and dandies ♪

♪ Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪

♪ I say fuck them fuckin' fuckers, fuck the North! ♪

TOWNSFOLK: Fuck the North!

♪ song crescendos, ends ♪

♪ Woo-hoo! ♪

[cheering, applauding]

Thank you! We are

three Union soldiers on a rescue mission!

♪ dramatic sting ♪

[gasping]

I mean... The Confederate Players!

Crabapples. [guns cocking]

Hey!

What the hell we got here?

♪ dramatic music ♪

I got him! He was trying to escape!

- Yeah? [spits] - Gimme your gun.

Yeah, get him. You can-- Wha-- Oh, no! Hell nah!

Dammit.

♪

Hey, what's up-a, famiglia? It's your boy-a Galileo.

Boy, that gravity bit went more viral

than syphilis at a Borgia orgy. [sexual moaning]

Hashtag "borgy,"

which I understand is now trending?

[laughs] LOL!

But-a, now that I have-a your attention,

I want to talk to you

about how the Earth revolve around the sun.

I can prove it with a little something

called a... telescope.

You may not have heard of it because I just invented it.

[air horns blaring]

♪

♪

MEL: "The Yalta Conference."

♪

History is told in pictures, and no one took those pictures

like the famed historical photographer Sergei

alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay. [projector clicks]

Watch him shoot Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin

as the three men try to end World War II.

[shutter snapping] JOSEPH STALIN: Please, Mr. Roosevelt,

Berlin is in our quarter of the country.

We will make sure is safe, not to worry. [laughs]

And who, Joseph, would keep us safe from you?

[overlapping chatter] [sighs]

[whispers]: The one in the middle is driving me nuts!

[Clay groans]

Like, he's just got a dumb suit like some bozo finance bro.

- CLAY: Very bad. - What do I do with him?

- This guy is useless. - I have an idea.

Cape!

Cape!

Oh! You never cease to amaze me.

Oh, my... CLAY: Okay, come on.

You're so smart!

- Ooh! Who is my big cape boy? - Uh, I, I am.

[shutter snaps] CLAY: Okay! [laughs]

Daddy! [laughs]

- Oh! Oh, oh! - Yes!

You saved the day! STALIN: It looks good.

I-I will also take a cape.

No, you won't.

You grabby bitch.

[growls] Alright, everybody, come on! Smile!

[shutter snaps] Ugh, repulsive.

I gotta shake it up. Attention!

♪ runway music ♪

At ease. Put your heads down.

[shutter snaps]

Look left. Look right. [shutter snapping]

You're at a party.

[murmuring] You don't know anyone.

You're a little shy, but you still make eye contact.

Show me your pearly grays!

[shutter snapping]

Oh, fuck, girl. Look at that. CLAY: Disgusting!

- So terrifying. - Ew!

[laughter]

You know what? We're gonna fly in some props.

You're in a band! [shutter snaps]

Girls' night! [cheering]

Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to? [shutter snaps]

Uh-oh! Winston, help her! She's throwing up on the party bus!

You caught a fish! That's a big fish! [impressed murmuring]

♪

Eh, we'll just go with this one. CLAY: Yeah, it'll work.

Okay, I think we got it! Thank you guys so much!

This was so much fun! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin. [clapping]

They need to work on their club scene Am I right, you basic slut? [laughs]

Please tell me you found me a matcha latte.

I had to go to the Starbucks in the supermarket to get it.

Uh, excuse me.

Yes? FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT: Sorry to interrupt.

Do you shoot messy flag-raisings?

Because we have something coming up in Iwo Jima.

Okay, you're embarrassing.

But you're adorable! Of course, we'll be there! Obvi!

Baby, schedule some waxes, we're going to...

[grandiose]: the South Pacific!

Almost! Almost there!

[shutter snaps] CLAY: It's fabulous, daddy!

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

MEL: Now, back to "Shirley Chisholm."

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on a very special episode of Shirley!,

playing White racist Governor George Wallace

is national treasure comedian George Wallace.

- [audience applauding] - Nurse! Nurse!

[audience cheering] Nurse!

I am not your nurse. [laughter]

Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor!

The only medical professional you need

is an equine proctologist because you, sir,

are a horse's ass.

- [audience laughing] - Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm!

Oh, Lord, have mercy!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- [laughter] - Now, you broke your bed!

This hospital is so cheap, when I got my operation for anesthesia,

the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!"

[audience laughing]

You come here to finish the job? You gonna kill me?

I'm not here to finish the job.

I'm here to say I'm sorry for what happened.

Well, I'm here as a racist white man with a gunshot wound.

Now, get your ugly ass outta here.

[pained groaning] [audience laughing]

A little prick for a big one.

[groans] [audience laughter]

Why, Shirley Chisholm, in all my years, I have never...

ever felt so...

groovy.

Well, now that you've gone from

Jim Crow to Jim Morrison,

maybe you and I can have a real conversation, George.

You got any of those little funny cigarettes, Shirley?

- [audience laughter] - George, we need to change

the political discourse in this country.

America doesn't need

more name-calling and gun fights.

America needs strong leadership

and more television channels. [audience laughing]

You know, Shirley, truth is...

I'm scared. AUDIENCE: Aw...

I'm scared of giving power to the people that we've done so much harm to.

I'm scared that I'm not really superior to anybody.

And I'm scared of olives. They look like little witches' eyes!

They're going, "I'm gonna get you and your little..."

[babbling] [audience laughing]

This is some good shit.

[audience laughing]

Just promise me one thing, Shirley.

Promise me no matter what happens,

we will always be friends.

I don't know about friends, George,

but let's not be foes.

[happy chuckling] AUDIENCE: Aw...

Uh, Dr. Chisholm? Um, the press is here.

The press? I said, I said, did you say the press?

Oh, I can't be associated with you people.

- Y'all go on and get outta here, okay? - Well, I guess the drugs wore off.

Wait. Before you leave,

would you be a dear and empty my bedpan?

Uh! If you think Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm

is gonna be your servant,

- you got another... - No, no, no, no, Flo.

It would be my pleasure.

Besides, it's the Christian thing to do.

♪ jazzy music ♪

[yelling]

Let's get outta here. [Flo laughing]

[audience laughter] CONRAD: Oh! Who's there?

Where are you taking me? I hope to the food court!

I'll be performing at the world-famous Laugh Factory in Las Vegas.

You can go see the Blue Man

or you can come see the Black man.

[audience laughing]

♪ Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪

♪

Ciao, famiglia. It's-a your boy, Galileo.

I know you have-a not heard from me for a while,

and that's because I was arrested for heresy-a.

But the truth is-a nobody love-a the church more than-a me!

Some of my best friends, they're-a priests.

My two daughters, they are nuns.

[whip cracks] Hashtag "Nun Dad."

So, I'm-a gonna go take some time away,

think about what I say.

I'm-a so sorry.

I-I don't mean any of it.

I want to reflect on what I did and think about the gravity

of talking about gravity.

And maybe one day, I can come back

and just do goof-arounds

like I used to do.

[air horns blaring]

That's it from me, Galileo.

To all of you I say, uh, Pisa,

Leaning Tower of. [emoji pops]

♪

MEL: Now, back to "The Civil War."

♪ dramatic music ♪

[birds screeching]

ALL: Shit.

If you're about to hang a Native American,

you might be a colonizer.

You're shaking, sir. You nervous about dying?

Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs.

By the way, great rescue mission.

Oh, thank you. That means a lot coming from you.

I'm joking. Look at us. We're fucked.

Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs are guilty of espionage and treason!

Plus, that song you sang, that don't have a proper hook.

It's a new type of song, okay?

Hang 'em! [townsfolk cheering]

Oh, shit. Dying sober.

I'm dying sober. Oh, this is the worst.

[drums playing]

[gun firing] [all gasping]

[gunshots continue] RT: What's going on?

We're escaping, that's what! Hyah!

[horses whinnies]

♪ triumphant Western music ♪

[gunshot]

Thought they was gonna save Grant without my help.

[scoffs] Dumbasses.

[train whistling] I'm comin', I'm comin'!

[German accent]: Hello? Hello, excuse me!

Is this the train to JFK?

What time is your flight?

- Uh, 4:00! - You'll never make it.

[yelling in German]

♪ Western music continues ♪