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1
00:00:04,968 --> 00:00:07,220
{\an8}♪
2
00:00:07,220 --> 00:00:09,764
Next up, the People
v. John Gorman.
3
00:00:09,764 --> 00:00:11,891
Mr. Gorman is charged
with larceny theft
4
00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:13,309
for a purse snatching.
5
00:00:13,309 --> 00:00:16,104
Uh, Your Honor,
this alleged crime is so quaint,
6
00:00:16,104 --> 00:00:17,647
it's actually charming.
7
00:00:17,647 --> 00:00:19,691
It's an homage
to a simpler time,
8
00:00:19,691 --> 00:00:22,861
when people had the decency
to rob you to your face,
9
00:00:22,861 --> 00:00:26,364
when a street urchin could pick
your pocket and warm your heart,
10
00:00:26,364 --> 00:00:28,408
often within the same song.
11
00:00:28,408 --> 00:00:31,870
Objection.
Hot nonsense.
12
00:00:31,870 --> 00:00:33,121
Sustained.
13
00:00:33,121 --> 00:00:35,373
The State has a witness,
Your Honor.
14
00:00:35,373 --> 00:00:38,209
Would you mind describing
what you saw, please?
15
00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:40,295
It's a crisp autumn day.
16
00:00:40,295 --> 00:00:43,048
A blur of a man
races by a street vendor
17
00:00:43,048 --> 00:00:44,716
selling daffodils.
18
00:00:44,716 --> 00:00:47,886
Behind me, a cry rings out--
"My bag!
19
00:00:47,886 --> 00:00:50,347
He stole my bag!"
20
00:00:50,347 --> 00:00:52,891
The city feels nothing.
21
00:00:52,891 --> 00:00:56,895
Would the counsel
please approach the bench?
22
00:00:56,895 --> 00:01:00,398
Permission to treat
the witness like a nut bar?
23
00:01:00,398 --> 00:01:02,233
- Don't you know who that is?
- Mm?
24
00:01:02,233 --> 00:01:04,235
That's Remecca Monte-Pulciano.
25
00:01:04,235 --> 00:01:05,945
She hosts this podcast
that I love,
26
00:01:05,945 --> 00:01:07,781
"The Social Archaeologist."
27
00:01:07,781 --> 00:01:09,157
I'm not a fan of podcasts.
28
00:01:09,157 --> 00:01:10,492
I'm an audiobook gal.
29
00:01:10,492 --> 00:01:12,243
I'm in the middle
of Matthew McConaughey's.
30
00:01:12,243 --> 00:01:13,745
Tomorrow,
I'm gonna hit you with an--
31
00:01:13,745 --> 00:01:16,998
"All rise, all rise, all rise."
32
00:01:16,998 --> 00:01:18,708
This one focuses
on everyday people
33
00:01:18,708 --> 00:01:21,294
and digs deep into
what makes them inspirational.
34
00:01:21,294 --> 00:01:22,504
I'm almost positive it's her.
35
00:01:22,504 --> 00:01:24,172
There's only one way
to find out.
36
00:01:24,172 --> 00:01:26,424
Would the witness
please say the phrase,
37
00:01:26,424 --> 00:01:28,760
"Here is your
Wisdom-Out Wednesday"?
38
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,805
Here is your
Wisdom-Out Wednesday.
39
00:01:31,805 --> 00:01:33,390
Oh-ho! It is her!
40
00:01:33,390 --> 00:01:36,142
I finally got to see her mouth
move while she says it.
41
00:01:36,142 --> 00:01:39,604
Now that we've achieved all
our dreams, only death awaits.
42
00:01:39,604 --> 00:01:41,856
Wait, where's the defendant?
43
00:01:41,856 --> 00:01:43,233
And where's my purse?
44
00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:45,151
Oh, did anyone see
what happened?
45
00:01:45,151 --> 00:01:47,779
There was an echo of worn soles
46
00:01:47,779 --> 00:01:49,489
on cracked linoleum,
47
00:01:49,489 --> 00:01:53,326
and then a flash
of fake Hermès orange.
48
00:01:53,326 --> 00:01:56,871
And for no reason at all,
shade was thrown.
49
00:01:58,081 --> 00:02:13,430
{\an8}♪
50
00:02:13,430 --> 00:02:15,265
{\an8}And speak your truth
51
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,808
{\an8}after the beep.
52
00:02:16,808 --> 00:02:18,518
{\an8}Oh! That was amazing.
53
00:02:18,518 --> 00:02:20,478
{\an8}Now I'm even more excited
for my dental appointment
54
00:02:20,478 --> 00:02:22,564
{\an8}to get confirmed tomorrow.
55
00:02:22,564 --> 00:02:25,567
{\an8}But actually, there is another
reason I asked you to stay.
56
00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:28,820
{\an8}The truth is, I do have an idea
for your podcast.
57
00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:33,491
{\an8}It's about this court and our
empathetic approach to justice.
58
00:02:33,491 --> 00:02:35,660
{\an8}And look who happens to be here.
59
00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:38,538
{\an8}The dedicated heroes
who make it happen.
60
00:02:38,538 --> 00:02:42,667
{\an8}When I'm being ambushed,
I expect pastries.
61
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:45,670
{\an8}Well, as an archaeologist,
I always have my fossil brush
62
00:02:45,670 --> 00:02:48,423
{\an8}and my pickaxe,
so I might as well stick around
63
00:02:48,423 --> 00:02:50,258
{\an8}and see what's
under this pile of dirt.
64
00:02:50,258 --> 00:02:51,509
{\an8}Hear that, guys?
65
00:02:51,509 --> 00:02:53,762
{\an8}We're gonna get brushed
and picked.
66
00:02:53,762 --> 00:02:55,180
{\an8}Hi. I'm Neil.
67
00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:57,432
{\an8}You know, I've thought about
doing a podcast myself.
68
00:02:57,432 --> 00:02:59,642
{\an8}It's called "The Neil World,"
69
00:02:59,642 --> 00:03:03,355
{\an8}where I stop being polite
and start being Neil.
70
00:03:03,355 --> 00:03:06,441
{\an8}And what precisely is
"being Neil"?
71
00:03:06,441 --> 00:03:08,485
{\an8}It's being polite
and constantly asking me
72
00:03:08,485 --> 00:03:11,404
{\an8}if he should get an earring.
73
00:03:11,404 --> 00:03:13,490
{\an8}Olivia Moore,
assistant district attorney.
74
00:03:13,490 --> 00:03:14,866
{\an8}You know, I think having me
75
00:03:14,866 --> 00:03:17,118
{\an8}on your podcast
could build both our brands.
76
00:03:17,118 --> 00:03:18,411
{\an8}- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.
77
00:03:18,411 --> 00:03:20,038
{\an8}From the time
I was a little girl,
78
00:03:20,038 --> 00:03:21,456
{\an8}I knew that a career in law
79
00:03:21,456 --> 00:03:24,542
{\an8}would fit me like
a pair of MeUndies.
80
00:03:24,542 --> 00:03:26,127
{\an8}They sure changed my life.
81
00:03:26,127 --> 00:03:29,381
{\an8}Thanks, MeUndies.
82
00:03:29,381 --> 00:03:30,799
{\an8}So, there's that.
83
00:03:30,799 --> 00:03:33,593
{\an8}Um, and then someone
who would offer you
84
00:03:33,593 --> 00:03:35,720
{\an8}a shorter introduction.
85
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:36,846
{\an8}Dan Fielding.
86
00:03:36,846 --> 00:03:38,181
{\an8}- No.
- Ha-ha!
87
00:03:38,181 --> 00:03:39,808
{\an8}That's my guy.
88
00:03:39,808 --> 00:03:42,644
{\an8}Dan actually used to be the
prosecutor at this very court,
89
00:03:42,644 --> 00:03:43,937
{\an8}and then he came
out of retirement
90
00:03:43,937 --> 00:03:45,397
{\an8}to be our public defender.
91
00:03:45,397 --> 00:03:48,483
{\an8}Now, there's a journey
I'd like to excavate.
92
00:03:48,483 --> 00:03:49,776
{\an8}That's her tagline.
93
00:03:49,776 --> 00:03:52,404
{\an8}Hear that, Dan?
You're tagline-worthy.
94
00:03:52,404 --> 00:03:54,114
She want to dig
a hole in a journey?
95
00:03:54,114 --> 00:03:56,324
The hell sense that make?
96
00:03:56,324 --> 00:04:00,537
No offense, but podcasts for me
fall under the same category
97
00:04:00,537 --> 00:04:03,623
as energy drinks, reality TV,
98
00:04:03,623 --> 00:04:07,961
and something called
"Guy Fieri."
99
00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:09,754
Why?
100
00:04:09,754 --> 00:04:11,673
Some people just don't
like the idea
101
00:04:11,673 --> 00:04:13,758
of spending
two uninterrupted hours
102
00:04:13,758 --> 00:04:17,512
talking about themselves
to an audience of millions.
103
00:04:17,512 --> 00:04:20,765
Well, don't lump me in
with those idiots.
104
00:04:20,765 --> 00:04:23,059
I'd be happy to offer
my services.
105
00:04:23,059 --> 00:04:24,436
Oh. Right.
106
00:04:24,436 --> 00:04:26,604
So, you'd just use Dan
as, like, an appetizer
107
00:04:26,604 --> 00:04:28,523
to get into the bigger
night court story?
108
00:04:28,523 --> 00:04:30,442
Abby, the lady
just ordered steak.
109
00:04:30,442 --> 00:04:33,528
Don't try to sell her
a used Datsun.
110
00:04:33,528 --> 00:04:35,280
So, we're all just
mixing metaphors now?
111
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,490
I mean, what are we even
doing here?
112
00:04:40,201 --> 00:04:44,998
Is Dan Fielding's rise
from humble beginnings
113
00:04:44,998 --> 00:04:48,668
to the top of the bottom
of the judicial system
114
00:04:48,668 --> 00:04:51,463
one of our generation's
most remarkable feats?
115
00:04:51,463 --> 00:04:54,341
It is not for me to say.
116
00:04:54,341 --> 00:04:56,968
But it is my pleasure to repeat.
117
00:04:56,968 --> 00:04:59,971
Perhaps we should just focus
on your transition
118
00:04:59,971 --> 00:05:01,181
to public defender.
119
00:05:01,181 --> 00:05:02,390
We'll get to that.
120
00:05:02,390 --> 00:05:05,226
It was William Jennings Bryan
121
00:05:05,226 --> 00:05:08,438
who said that service is
a measure of a man's greatness.
122
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:11,566
I think that a man's greatness
is decided
123
00:05:11,566 --> 00:05:13,443
by how many awards he gets.
124
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:18,239
And mine range from runner-up
in the city council election
125
00:05:18,239 --> 00:05:20,158
all the way back
to my eighth grade
126
00:05:20,158 --> 00:05:22,077
state spelling bee championship
127
00:05:22,077 --> 00:05:24,412
honorable mention.
128
00:05:24,412 --> 00:05:27,207
Actually, uh,
can we talk about that?
129
00:05:27,207 --> 00:05:28,416
Yes, yes.
130
00:05:28,416 --> 00:05:31,086
And therein began
a lifelong disdain
131
00:05:31,086 --> 00:05:32,462
for the silent "G."
132
00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:33,838
No, no, no, no.
133
00:05:33,838 --> 00:05:36,257
Uh, I'm talking about your run
for city council.
134
00:05:36,257 --> 00:05:40,178
Now, according to my research,
you ran as an independent,
135
00:05:40,178 --> 00:05:42,222
and your opponent
was a "D"?
136
00:05:42,222 --> 00:05:43,431
For Democrat?
137
00:05:43,431 --> 00:05:44,474
D...
138
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,810
ceased.
139
00:05:46,810 --> 00:05:50,522
Yes, I lost to a dead man.
140
00:05:50,522 --> 00:05:53,525
But I was the highest
living vote-getter,
141
00:05:53,525 --> 00:05:55,860
and I seriously believe
I would have won
142
00:05:55,860 --> 00:05:59,739
had I handed out 20s
instead of 10s.
143
00:05:59,739 --> 00:06:02,409
You were trying to buy
people's votes?
144
00:06:02,409 --> 00:06:04,577
You have to really understand
the time.
145
00:06:04,577 --> 00:06:06,162
It was New York in the '80s.
146
00:06:06,162 --> 00:06:09,124
It was very, very difficult
to get people out to vote.
147
00:06:09,124 --> 00:06:13,211
There were--
There were other things to do.
148
00:06:13,211 --> 00:06:15,171
Like cocaine.
149
00:06:17,674 --> 00:06:20,218
And Pac-Man had just come out,
150
00:06:20,218 --> 00:06:25,432
and that was the perfect surface
to do cocaine off of.
151
00:06:25,432 --> 00:06:28,226
Still, sounds to me
like a crime.
152
00:06:28,226 --> 00:06:29,436
Yeah, no, no.
153
00:06:29,436 --> 00:06:32,022
You have to understand
the context.
154
00:06:32,022 --> 00:06:35,108
I'm listening.
155
00:06:36,317 --> 00:06:37,527
Oh, no.
156
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:40,488
Did I swallow a "g-nat"?
157
00:06:40,488 --> 00:06:43,199
Oh, also, did I--
I'm not Dan!
158
00:06:43,199 --> 00:06:44,409
No, no, no.
159
00:06:44,409 --> 00:06:46,077
I'm his--
I'm his brother, August.
160
00:06:46,077 --> 00:06:47,954
I'll go get him.
I'll just go get him.
161
00:06:47,954 --> 00:06:49,581
Stay right there.
Keep rolling.
162
00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:51,458
It's okay.
163
00:06:57,797 --> 00:06:58,882
{\an8}♪
164
00:06:58,882 --> 00:07:00,258
Oh, Dan, good.
165
00:07:00,258 --> 00:07:01,801
I need your opinion
on something.
166
00:07:01,801 --> 00:07:03,053
I've been listening to my voice,
167
00:07:03,053 --> 00:07:04,846
and is this really
what I sound like?
168
00:07:04,846 --> 00:07:06,514
Four score and seven years ago,
169
00:07:06,514 --> 00:07:08,933
our forefathers brought forth
on this continent--
170
00:07:08,933 --> 00:07:11,102
Right, I think you're
playing it at double the--
171
00:07:11,102 --> 00:07:14,147
No, that's exactly what
you sound like in my head.
172
00:07:14,147 --> 00:07:15,690
Why are you listening
to yourself?
173
00:07:15,690 --> 00:07:17,067
Well, after your interview,
174
00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:18,651
Remecca reached out
to me to do one.
175
00:07:18,651 --> 00:07:20,862
I'm so excited.
176
00:07:20,862 --> 00:07:22,155
No, no.
Listen to me.
177
00:07:22,155 --> 00:07:23,448
You can't do the interview.
178
00:07:23,448 --> 00:07:25,033
As a matter of fact,
you have to bar
179
00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:26,910
that podcast crew
from the courthouse.
180
00:07:26,910 --> 00:07:28,244
Why would I do that?
181
00:07:28,244 --> 00:07:30,747
When I was listing
my many accomplishments,
182
00:07:30,747 --> 00:07:36,127
I may have implicated myself
in just a smidge of malfeasance.
183
00:07:36,127 --> 00:07:39,297
I started talking
about cocaine a lot.
184
00:07:39,297 --> 00:07:41,216
Now Remecca's out
to take me down.
185
00:07:41,216 --> 00:07:42,801
Maybe if you talked
about the court
186
00:07:42,801 --> 00:07:45,136
instead of being so selfish,
you wouldn't be in trouble.
187
00:07:45,136 --> 00:07:46,888
But you need the whole world
to know
188
00:07:46,888 --> 00:07:48,932
about that spelling bee,
don't you?
189
00:07:48,932 --> 00:07:50,850
It's an origin story.
190
00:07:50,850 --> 00:07:52,227
Well, I'm gonna go in there
191
00:07:52,227 --> 00:07:53,895
and talk about the work
we're doing here,
192
00:07:53,895 --> 00:07:57,107
and maybe it will inspire other
courts to follow our example.
193
00:07:57,107 --> 00:07:59,859
I'm not gonna lose that chance
just because you biffed it.
194
00:07:59,859 --> 00:08:01,778
I'm telling you, it's a trap.
195
00:08:01,778 --> 00:08:05,573
She tricked me-- Dan.
196
00:08:05,573 --> 00:08:07,826
Dan!
197
00:08:08,743 --> 00:08:10,745
You're not gonna
change my mind.
198
00:08:10,745 --> 00:08:12,163
Yeah, alright, fine,
fine, yeah.
199
00:08:12,163 --> 00:08:13,832
But when it doesn't work,
just be ready to hear
200
00:08:13,832 --> 00:08:16,251
the five words
that everyone dreads--
201
00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:17,502
"I told you so."
202
00:08:17,502 --> 00:08:20,088
- That's four words.
- Well, I'm counting
203
00:08:20,088 --> 00:08:22,674
the raucous laughter
before I say it
204
00:08:22,674 --> 00:08:24,384
as a word.
205
00:08:24,384 --> 00:08:26,803
Matter of fact, I'm gonna
start practicing it now.
206
00:08:26,803 --> 00:08:28,805
Ha!
207
00:08:29,973 --> 00:08:31,641
Ha-wah-hah!
208
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:32,851
I...
209
00:08:32,851 --> 00:08:35,103
No, wait.
Hee-hee!
210
00:08:36,312 --> 00:08:38,398
I cracked the case,
and now I'll crack
211
00:08:38,398 --> 00:08:40,025
the most up-to-date
point spreads,
212
00:08:40,025 --> 00:08:41,443
with Offshore Bet Boys.
213
00:08:41,443 --> 00:08:44,487
It's not gambling
when they're stone-cold locks.
214
00:08:47,323 --> 00:08:49,701
I've never seen someone
so thirsty to get on a podcast.
215
00:08:49,701 --> 00:08:52,495
And I have several friends
whose spouses went missing
216
00:08:52,495 --> 00:08:54,831
after joining a cult.
217
00:08:54,831 --> 00:08:57,042
It's all part of my
media strategy.
218
00:08:57,042 --> 00:08:59,210
First step, podcasts.
219
00:08:59,210 --> 00:09:02,005
Second step,
TikTok legal influencer.
220
00:09:02,005 --> 00:09:04,674
Third step, Whoopi yells
at the wrong Uber driver,
221
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:08,386
and bingo, mama's
batting cleanup on "The View."
222
00:09:08,386 --> 00:09:10,805
But I can't get Remecca
to even look at me.
223
00:09:10,805 --> 00:09:12,140
- I feel like Neil.
- Hey!
224
00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:14,976
- Whoa!
- Don't sneak up on people!
225
00:09:14,976 --> 00:09:17,062
I've been trying to get
Remecca's attention, too.
226
00:09:17,062 --> 00:09:19,981
The problem is
she is all-in on Dan.
227
00:09:19,981 --> 00:09:21,691
Don't take this the wrong way,
228
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,234
but you all are boring.
229
00:09:23,234 --> 00:09:25,320
You need to sell the drama.
230
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,030
May I suggest...
231
00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:29,366
a forbidden office romance?
232
00:09:29,366 --> 00:09:30,575
With me and him?
233
00:09:30,575 --> 00:09:32,285
No.
234
00:09:32,285 --> 00:09:36,748
Look, podcasts are for lonely
people who don't like music.
235
00:09:36,748 --> 00:09:39,167
But you know
what lonely people do like?
236
00:09:39,167 --> 00:09:41,169
I feel like
I should know this.
237
00:09:41,169 --> 00:09:43,797
Murder and romance,
and since you've made it clear
238
00:09:43,797 --> 00:09:46,216
on multiple occasions
that you're a stick in the mud
239
00:09:46,216 --> 00:09:50,011
when it comes to murder,
I'd go with...
240
00:09:50,011 --> 00:09:52,555
secret work love!
241
00:09:52,555 --> 00:09:53,932
Did you see that?
242
00:09:53,932 --> 00:09:55,475
That's the first time
she's looked at me.
243
00:09:55,475 --> 00:09:57,894
That's it.
Neil, we're in a relationship.
244
00:09:57,894 --> 00:09:59,270
"Pretty Woman" rules.
245
00:09:59,270 --> 00:10:01,147
No kissing, and it'll be
mostly me hanging out
246
00:10:01,147 --> 00:10:03,149
with Hector Elizondo.
247
00:10:06,903 --> 00:10:09,906
That is very funny.
248
00:10:09,906 --> 00:10:12,659
I am laughing.
249
00:10:12,659 --> 00:10:15,370
And please, let Donatello know
that I will be bringing
250
00:10:15,370 --> 00:10:18,415
the haricots verts
to Sunday's dish-to-pass.
251
00:10:18,415 --> 00:10:19,457
Ah!
252
00:10:19,457 --> 00:10:21,376
You're from Skaneateles,
aren't you?
253
00:10:21,376 --> 00:10:22,961
- How did you--
- That's where I'm from.
254
00:10:22,961 --> 00:10:24,879
It's the only place
I've ever heard it called
255
00:10:24,879 --> 00:10:26,214
a "dish-to-pass."
256
00:10:26,214 --> 00:10:29,050
Everywhere else,
they call it a potluck.
257
00:10:29,050 --> 00:10:31,177
I mean,
like a damn leprechaun
258
00:10:31,177 --> 00:10:33,388
supremed all those oranges
for that citrus salad?
259
00:10:33,388 --> 00:10:36,141
"Luck," my butt.
260
00:10:36,141 --> 00:10:38,560
- So, shall we start?
- Sure, sure.
261
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:39,811
Hi. I'm Abby.
262
00:10:39,811 --> 00:10:41,479
- Would you like to take a seat?
- No, no, no, no.
263
00:10:41,479 --> 00:10:43,648
Just pretend like
he's not even there.
264
00:10:43,648 --> 00:10:47,068
This is just a conversation.
265
00:10:47,068 --> 00:10:49,904
Why don't we begin with,
how have you found
266
00:10:49,904 --> 00:10:51,740
working with Dan Fielding?
267
00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:54,492
I have no regrets about
bringing Dan to this court.
268
00:10:54,492 --> 00:10:57,078
My father always said there was
no one he respected more,
269
00:10:57,078 --> 00:10:58,788
and you know,
I feel like we're missing
270
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:01,416
- a bigger story here--
- So, y-you found Mr. Fielding
271
00:11:01,416 --> 00:11:03,793
through a good ol' boy network?
272
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,336
There's more to it than that.
273
00:11:05,336 --> 00:11:07,339
Because it sounds like
you manipulated the system
274
00:11:07,339 --> 00:11:09,758
to help out one
of your father's old buddies.
275
00:11:10,925 --> 00:11:14,012
Are these chairs
getting smaller?
276
00:11:14,012 --> 00:11:16,181
It is hot out in here.
277
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,018
Gah!
278
00:11:25,523 --> 00:11:29,069
{\an8}♪
279
00:11:29,069 --> 00:11:30,612
- What's this?
- It's everything you need
280
00:11:30,612 --> 00:11:32,781
to know
about our fake relationship.
281
00:11:32,781 --> 00:11:34,407
What?
If we're gonna make this work,
282
00:11:34,407 --> 00:11:37,327
we need to make it seem
as real as possible.
283
00:11:37,327 --> 00:11:39,704
Good thinking, babe.
284
00:11:39,704 --> 00:11:41,539
You will immediately see
on page one that
285
00:11:41,539 --> 00:11:42,916
we are not a "babe" couple.
286
00:11:42,916 --> 00:11:46,127
You'll find approved nicknames
on page three.
287
00:11:46,127 --> 00:11:48,588
These are just our names.
288
00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:51,591
Yeah.
I came up with those.
289
00:11:51,591 --> 00:11:54,469
Feel free to add
whatever your last name is.
290
00:11:57,472 --> 00:11:59,766
Alright, well,
there's a lot in here covering
291
00:11:59,766 --> 00:12:03,603
how I'm supposed to feel about
everyone on "Vanderpump Rules,"
292
00:12:03,603 --> 00:12:05,563
but nothing about
where we are emotionally.
293
00:12:05,563 --> 00:12:07,065
Like, how serious are we?
294
00:12:07,065 --> 00:12:09,275
Where is this relationship
going?
295
00:12:09,275 --> 00:12:11,528
Where is this coming from?
296
00:12:11,528 --> 00:12:13,780
Well, if I'm gonna be
your fake boyfriend--
297
00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:16,574
Boyfriend? Whoa! Okay.
298
00:12:16,574 --> 00:12:18,660
Save those labels
for the runway, mister.
299
00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:19,869
Ha!
300
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:22,789
Next, you're gonna tell me
you're pregnant.
301
00:12:22,789 --> 00:12:25,500
Guess what?
You are raising that baby alone.
302
00:12:28,461 --> 00:12:30,213
Dan, I messed up.
I messed up bad.
303
00:12:30,213 --> 00:12:31,965
The interview backfired.
304
00:12:31,965 --> 00:12:33,466
I sorta let it slip
305
00:12:33,466 --> 00:12:36,302
that I may have shortcut
a few rules when I hired you,
306
00:12:36,302 --> 00:12:38,013
and now Remecca wants
to take me down, too.
307
00:12:38,013 --> 00:12:39,347
What happened?
308
00:12:39,347 --> 00:12:40,640
You mess things up
with the podcast lady?
309
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,350
- Yeah.
- How bad is it?
310
00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:44,728
Well, I pulled out an,
"It was a different time."
311
00:12:44,728 --> 00:12:46,604
Okay.
312
00:12:46,604 --> 00:12:49,733
- So, we're in some trouble.
- Why is that bad?
313
00:12:49,733 --> 00:12:52,527
Three phrases you don't use
in problematic situations--
314
00:12:52,527 --> 00:12:54,112
"It was a different time."
315
00:12:54,112 --> 00:12:55,655
"I meant it as a joke".
316
00:12:55,655 --> 00:12:58,158
And "I know it's not okay
to say, but..."
317
00:12:58,158 --> 00:12:59,993
Just don't say it!
318
00:12:59,993 --> 00:13:03,705
I can't believe they don't teach
that in white people school.
319
00:13:03,705 --> 00:13:06,166
To be fair, there's not
really an official white--
320
00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:07,834
Dartmouth.
321
00:13:10,003 --> 00:13:12,380
Okay, look, I'm just
gonna talk to Remecca.
322
00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:13,882
I mean, I'm sure if I just
sit down with her,
323
00:13:13,882 --> 00:13:16,009
one Skaneatelan to another,
we can sort this out.
324
00:13:16,009 --> 00:13:18,345
I mean, we grew up playing
in the same parks.
325
00:13:18,345 --> 00:13:19,679
I'm sure she even has a theory
326
00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:21,848
on what happened
to Billy Muggins.
327
00:13:23,558 --> 00:13:26,770
You know, maybe Abby
can convince her.
328
00:13:26,770 --> 00:13:28,521
Yeah, no, no.
I got a better idea.
329
00:13:28,521 --> 00:13:30,940
I got three better ideas.
330
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,443
It can't involve wigs.
331
00:13:33,443 --> 00:13:35,528
Okay, we'll go with yours.
332
00:13:35,528 --> 00:13:36,821
Come on.
333
00:13:41,242 --> 00:13:42,702
Wow.
334
00:13:42,702 --> 00:13:45,038
Well, I just hope this thing
is still down here.
335
00:13:45,038 --> 00:13:48,375
And listen, remember, Abby
cannot know what we're doing.
336
00:13:48,375 --> 00:13:50,543
She needs plausible deniability.
337
00:13:50,543 --> 00:13:52,629
I get it.
Everybody needs a cover story.
338
00:13:52,629 --> 00:13:55,256
That's why I keep
a cardboard cutout of me waving
339
00:13:55,256 --> 00:13:57,717
in that bowling alley bathroom.
340
00:13:57,717 --> 00:13:59,386
"Where was Gurgs
the night in question?"
341
00:13:59,386 --> 00:14:02,972
"She was in that bowling alley
bathroom being super friendly."
342
00:14:08,228 --> 00:14:09,979
Oh, you know what?
I think...
343
00:14:12,148 --> 00:14:13,692
Uh-huh. Yeah!
344
00:14:13,692 --> 00:14:15,402
This is it!
345
00:14:15,402 --> 00:14:17,570
I don't get it.
How is some old metal detector
346
00:14:17,570 --> 00:14:19,572
gonna solve things
with the podcast lady?
347
00:14:19,572 --> 00:14:22,492
This is not just
some old metal detector.
348
00:14:22,492 --> 00:14:25,620
We called it "Meg Ryan,"
'cause prolonged exposure
349
00:14:25,620 --> 00:14:28,581
was known
to melt people's hearts.
350
00:14:28,581 --> 00:14:30,917
More importantly for us, though,
the magnets in this thing--
351
00:14:30,917 --> 00:14:33,294
they'll fry any electrical
equipment it comes near.
352
00:14:33,294 --> 00:14:35,422
It'll just erase everything.
353
00:14:35,422 --> 00:14:37,298
Brilliant, huh?
354
00:14:39,134 --> 00:14:41,052
This is where I keep my spare.
355
00:14:45,098 --> 00:14:46,933
{\an8}♪
356
00:14:46,933 --> 00:14:49,853
Alright, I am all set
for my chat with Remecca.
357
00:14:49,853 --> 00:14:52,689
I imported loganberry pop,
some white hots,
358
00:14:52,689 --> 00:14:55,442
all of the finest
Skaneateles delicacies.
359
00:14:55,442 --> 00:14:57,444
White hot dogs?
360
00:14:59,487 --> 00:15:02,907
"Delicacy" may not be
the right word.
361
00:15:02,907 --> 00:15:06,536
"Food" may not be
the right word.
362
00:15:06,536 --> 00:15:09,039
What is that, and why
is it making my teeth hurt?
363
00:15:09,039 --> 00:15:11,124
Oh, just some extra security.
364
00:15:11,124 --> 00:15:13,460
I know upstate you just throw
some tacks on the floor,
365
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:17,589
but here in the big city,
we wear shoes.
366
00:15:17,589 --> 00:15:19,299
Is that warning in Russian?
367
00:15:19,299 --> 00:15:21,551
- Oh, no--
- Nyet!
368
00:15:21,551 --> 00:15:22,886
I knew something was weird.
369
00:15:22,886 --> 00:15:24,804
- What is going on?
- It was Dan's idea.
370
00:15:24,804 --> 00:15:28,099
I was in the bowling alley bathroom.
371
00:15:28,099 --> 00:15:30,685
Alright, look, the only way
to fix this is to get her
372
00:15:30,685 --> 00:15:32,687
to walk through that machine
373
00:15:32,687 --> 00:15:34,939
and erase everything
that she has on us.
374
00:15:34,939 --> 00:15:36,608
There's no way
that thing is safe.
375
00:15:36,608 --> 00:15:37,984
It is definitely safe.
376
00:15:37,984 --> 00:15:40,987
And I remind you,
I am not under oath.
377
00:15:40,987 --> 00:15:42,322
Why are you so annoyed?
378
00:15:42,322 --> 00:15:43,990
All I asked is
if you were mad at me.
379
00:15:43,990 --> 00:15:46,701
Oh, you prob-- Mm.
380
00:15:46,701 --> 00:15:49,329
Neil, sometimes my mood
has nothing to do with you.
381
00:15:49,329 --> 00:15:50,747
Oh, you were driving me
so crazy,
382
00:15:50,747 --> 00:15:52,707
I left my bag in the cafeteria.
383
00:15:52,707 --> 00:15:54,459
Actually, I have your bag
right here,
384
00:15:54,459 --> 00:15:56,669
because I think about you.
385
00:15:56,669 --> 00:15:58,797
Oh, my hero.
386
00:15:58,797 --> 00:16:00,674
I'd be so lost without you.
387
00:16:00,674 --> 00:16:03,009
Oh, there it is.
Your sarcasm.
388
00:16:03,009 --> 00:16:05,136
The third wheel
in this relationship.
389
00:16:05,136 --> 00:16:06,513
Ha!
Hate to break it to you,
390
00:16:06,513 --> 00:16:08,640
but you're the third wheel,
babe!
391
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,643
Oh, so I guess
we are a "babe" couple.
392
00:16:11,643 --> 00:16:13,186
We are not a couple, Neil!
393
00:16:13,186 --> 00:16:17,816
For the love of God,
don't stand right there!
394
00:16:17,816 --> 00:16:19,025
We are through.
395
00:16:19,025 --> 00:16:20,276
I am done being fenced in
396
00:16:20,276 --> 00:16:22,028
like your-- your love veal.
397
00:16:22,028 --> 00:16:23,738
I am free-range, buster!
398
00:16:23,738 --> 00:16:26,866
Why is my iced coffee so hot?
399
00:16:26,866 --> 00:16:29,869
Wait!
400
00:16:29,869 --> 00:16:32,288
- What was that about?
- I don't know.
401
00:16:32,288 --> 00:16:33,540
But we have to keep them calm.
402
00:16:33,540 --> 00:16:35,875
They're Hulks now.
403
00:16:35,875 --> 00:16:37,669
Wait. Whoa, no.
Wait, where are you going?
404
00:16:37,669 --> 00:16:39,546
You can't go.
We need you as bait.
405
00:16:39,546 --> 00:16:41,339
No, bait--
Wrong word. Bad word.
406
00:16:41,339 --> 00:16:43,216
Not bait, but...
407
00:16:43,216 --> 00:16:44,968
No, bait's the right word.
408
00:16:44,968 --> 00:16:47,053
I wanted to kill Remecca
with kindness,
409
00:16:47,053 --> 00:16:49,556
not Cold War radiation.
410
00:16:49,556 --> 00:16:51,808
My Uncle Ray-Ray was killed
with kindness.
411
00:16:51,808 --> 00:16:53,977
It's a rough way to go.
412
00:16:55,562 --> 00:16:56,730
What...?
413
00:16:56,730 --> 00:16:58,064
Oh, don't mind me.
414
00:16:58,064 --> 00:17:00,608
Go back to your plan
to stifle free speech.
415
00:17:00,608 --> 00:17:02,402
A plan that would have
worked better...
416
00:17:02,402 --> 00:17:04,612
in a room with one door.
417
00:17:04,612 --> 00:17:06,573
Okay, Remecca,
I know this looks bad.
418
00:17:06,573 --> 00:17:10,535
Your podcast is about inspiring
people, and if you tear us down,
419
00:17:10,535 --> 00:17:12,287
I really think
you're gonna regret this.
420
00:17:12,287 --> 00:17:14,706
I regret nothing.
421
00:17:14,706 --> 00:17:17,250
- I'm sorry?
- They don't call it pod-friends.
422
00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,419
They call it pod-business.
423
00:17:19,419 --> 00:17:21,296
Do they call it either?
424
00:17:21,296 --> 00:17:24,132
Hey, Remecca...
425
00:17:24,132 --> 00:17:27,260
one very important thing
you're missing for this episode.
426
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:29,804
A tell-all interview.
427
00:17:29,804 --> 00:17:33,767
I'll come clean about
everything, under one condition.
428
00:17:33,767 --> 00:17:35,977
You leave Abby out of it.
429
00:17:35,977 --> 00:17:38,605
And you get us all
giant mattresses
430
00:17:38,605 --> 00:17:41,608
that somehow come in tiny boxes.
431
00:17:44,194 --> 00:17:46,071
You have a deal.
432
00:17:46,071 --> 00:17:47,238
And so do you.
433
00:17:47,238 --> 00:17:49,491
But FYI, you can't put it
back in the box
434
00:17:49,491 --> 00:17:51,034
and watch it unfold again.
435
00:17:51,034 --> 00:17:55,121
You can try, but it will
only end in madness.
436
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,586
Dan, I can't let you do that.
437
00:18:01,586 --> 00:18:02,837
You would lose your job.
438
00:18:02,837 --> 00:18:04,589
You know,
when I made that offer,
439
00:18:04,589 --> 00:18:07,300
I-I didn't see a bright side.
440
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:09,636
Thank you for finding it.
441
00:18:10,095 --> 00:18:11,554
{\an8}♪
442
00:18:14,391 --> 00:18:15,975
{\an8}♪
443
00:18:15,975 --> 00:18:17,894
Hey, I've been texting you.
444
00:18:17,894 --> 00:18:19,479
Yeah, it's weird--
my phone isn't working.
445
00:18:19,479 --> 00:18:20,814
All my credit cards are erased,
446
00:18:20,814 --> 00:18:23,149
and when I pick up spoons,
they do this now.
447
00:18:25,902 --> 00:18:28,947
So, we don't really make
the best fake couple, huh?
448
00:18:28,947 --> 00:18:30,782
Scary thing is,
this was actually one of
449
00:18:30,782 --> 00:18:33,118
my healthier relationships.
450
00:18:33,118 --> 00:18:35,578
I might have some
real commitment issues.
451
00:18:35,578 --> 00:18:38,289
You know, I have been watching
the two of you,
452
00:18:38,289 --> 00:18:41,376
and you're
an absolute trainwreck.
453
00:18:41,376 --> 00:18:44,838
You would be perfect
for my new dating podcast,
454
00:18:44,838 --> 00:18:46,464
"Absolute Trainwreck."
455
00:18:46,464 --> 00:18:48,008
Actually, we're not--
456
00:18:48,008 --> 00:18:51,928
Gonna pass up on an opportunity
like this, right, babe?
457
00:18:51,928 --> 00:18:54,139
But there's one condition.
458
00:18:54,139 --> 00:18:56,057
You can't run that story on Dan.
459
00:18:56,057 --> 00:18:57,142
No.
460
00:18:57,142 --> 00:18:58,643
Eh, guess we're not all
gonna be heroes.
461
00:19:01,771 --> 00:19:06,192
Well, I guess that episode
of the podcast will be on soon.
462
00:19:06,192 --> 00:19:09,821
The end of the illustrious
career of Dan Fielding.
463
00:19:09,821 --> 00:19:11,322
We still have time
to fix this.
464
00:19:11,322 --> 00:19:15,160
We just have to break
the Internet, in one minute.
465
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,871
Does this muffin
look anything like Jesus?
466
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,498
Remecca was canceled!
467
00:19:20,498 --> 00:19:21,833
She lost all her sponsors,
468
00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:23,334
and her platforms
dropped the podcast.
469
00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:26,046
- What? What happened?
- Someone excavated her
470
00:19:26,046 --> 00:19:29,174
and found out she used to be
a crazy sketchy shock jock
471
00:19:29,174 --> 00:19:32,260
on a radio station upstate.
472
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:35,096
This is Becky Molson
for Reject Radio,
473
00:19:35,096 --> 00:19:38,016
and I regret nothing.
474
00:19:38,016 --> 00:19:40,018
It's Whirl 'Em Out
Wednesday, boys,
475
00:19:40,018 --> 00:19:44,230
so unwrap your package
and whirl those balls!
476
00:19:45,774 --> 00:19:47,233
Ooh!
477
00:19:47,233 --> 00:19:49,694
That's one for the Stank Bank.
478
00:19:52,572 --> 00:19:55,867
You forget how much culture
there is outside of the cities.
479
00:19:57,619 --> 00:20:00,163
- I guess it got out.
- You knew?
480
00:20:00,163 --> 00:20:03,083
When Remecca said,
"I regret nothing,"
481
00:20:03,083 --> 00:20:05,377
I thought it sounded familiar,
so I did some digging,
482
00:20:05,377 --> 00:20:08,630
and turns out, she also has
a past that she's not proud of.
483
00:20:08,630 --> 00:20:11,758
I thought I could use it to
convince her to go easy on Dan,
484
00:20:11,758 --> 00:20:13,843
but she laughed me
out of the room.
485
00:20:13,843 --> 00:20:17,430
Well, someone
must have leaked it.
486
00:20:17,430 --> 00:20:19,849
I did.
487
00:20:19,849 --> 00:20:22,477
Who are you?
488
00:20:22,477 --> 00:20:25,438
Recognize me... now?
489
00:20:26,773 --> 00:20:28,149
The microphone guy.
490
00:20:28,149 --> 00:20:29,901
So, you took Remecca down?
491
00:20:29,901 --> 00:20:32,821
Well, I was tired
of living in her shadow.
492
00:20:32,821 --> 00:20:35,740
Sitting at home,
night after night,
493
00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:38,910
removing her weird mouth sounds.
494
00:20:38,910 --> 00:20:43,415
But you, Judge Stone,
you made me feel...
495
00:20:43,415 --> 00:20:45,208
heard.
496
00:20:49,045 --> 00:20:51,006
- What did you do?
- I don't know.
497
00:20:51,006 --> 00:20:54,759
I-I asked him if he wanted
to sit down once.
498
00:20:54,759 --> 00:20:56,261
The nerve of that guy.
499
00:20:56,261 --> 00:20:58,263
{\an8}You know, I-I took a bullet
for you.
500
00:20:58,263 --> 00:21:00,140
{\an8}The only reason to help
your fellow man
501
00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:01,725
{\an8}is to have them in your debt.
502
00:21:01,725 --> 00:21:05,437
{\an8}That is a currency
that never tanks.
503
00:21:05,437 --> 00:21:06,604
{\an8}Well, too bad.
504
00:21:06,604 --> 00:21:09,607
{\an8}You're not getting out of here
that easy.
505
00:21:09,607 --> 00:21:14,279
{\an8}One of these days, I'm gonna
work up the courage to hug you.
506
00:21:14,279 --> 00:21:16,614
{\an8}- Folks, I just got back
from France,
507
00:21:16,614 --> 00:21:20,118
{\an8}where I had "fart blanche."
508
00:21:22,996 --> 00:21:24,914
{\an8}You know, I'll be the first
to say it...
509
00:21:24,914 --> 00:21:28,043
{\an8}She pretty good.
37833
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