Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,104 --> 00:00:05,357
MEL BROOKS: It's June 6th, 1944.
2
00:00:05,357 --> 00:00:06,942
[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS] D-Day.
3
00:00:06,942 --> 00:00:10,988
The Allied forces storm
the beaches of Normandy.
4
00:00:10,988 --> 00:00:13,615
- [COMPASS CLICKING]
- [PLANES FLYING OVERHEAD, GUNFIRE]
5
00:00:13,615 --> 00:00:17,286
Boys, we're gonna be storming
Omaha Beach in a couple minutes.
6
00:00:17,286 --> 00:00:18,370
Be steady.
7
00:00:18,370 --> 00:00:20,247
It's time to find out
what you're all made of.
8
00:00:20,247 --> 00:00:21,498
[LOUD EXPLOSION]
9
00:00:21,498 --> 00:00:22,708
Oh God.
10
00:00:22,708 --> 00:00:25,002
Oh. Just barfed in the
corner over here, sir!
11
00:00:25,002 --> 00:00:28,755
Well, just try and keep
it out the boat, okay?
12
00:00:30,215 --> 00:00:32,383
Private Tully, get a
grip on your nerves!
13
00:00:32,383 --> 00:00:34,428
It's not nerves, sir.
14
00:00:34,428 --> 00:00:35,679
I get seasick.
15
00:00:35,679 --> 00:00:38,182
Well, just keep your eyes on the
horizon. That goes for everyone.
16
00:00:38,474 --> 00:00:41,018
[RETCHING]
17
00:00:41,018 --> 00:00:42,561
Don't tell me you're
seasick too, Johnson.
18
00:00:42,561 --> 00:00:43,979
No, sir!
19
00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:45,357
I think I just went a little too hard
20
00:00:45,358 --> 00:00:47,107
on the paté at dinner last night, sir.
21
00:00:47,107 --> 00:00:50,486
What? They didn't
serve paté in the mess.
22
00:00:50,486 --> 00:00:51,862
Did you go AWOL last night?
23
00:00:51,862 --> 00:00:53,572
Yeah. [GROANS]
24
00:00:53,572 --> 00:00:54,615
Did any of you join him?
25
00:00:57,743 --> 00:00:59,870
I did, sir! Ah.
26
00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:01,538
I had a lot of oysters,
27
00:01:01,538 --> 00:01:04,458
and now that I think about
it, they were pretty warm.
28
00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:06,627
Y'all defied orders and
went to a restaurant?
29
00:01:06,627 --> 00:01:08,086
Sir, we're in Europe,
30
00:01:08,086 --> 00:01:10,255
and we just thought if it
was gonna be our last meal,
31
00:01:10,255 --> 00:01:12,299
that it should be someplace special.
32
00:01:12,299 --> 00:01:13,967
We found this adorable little pub.
33
00:01:13,967 --> 00:01:16,220
- [BOTH RETCHING]
- Oh God!
34
00:01:17,846 --> 00:01:20,766
Private Martinez, you go
to this little dinner, too?
35
00:01:20,766 --> 00:01:23,310
No, sir, I wasn't invited,
sir! And to be honest,
36
00:01:23,310 --> 00:01:25,270
it's kinda hurtful to
find out in this manner.
37
00:01:25,270 --> 00:01:27,940
- Sorry, man.
- Then, why the hell are you yakking then?
38
00:01:27,940 --> 00:01:29,858
I have a hair-trigger gag reflex, sir.
39
00:01:29,858 --> 00:01:31,485
If I see somebody puke,
I'm puking right away.
40
00:01:31,485 --> 00:01:33,112
[RETCHING]
41
00:01:33,112 --> 00:01:34,738
Private Bryant, report!
42
00:01:34,738 --> 00:01:36,740
- Share!
- I'm fine!
43
00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:39,535
- CAPTAIN HANKS: That's a direct order!
- I don't wanna talk about it!
44
00:01:39,535 --> 00:01:41,411
He's not fine, sir.
45
00:01:41,411 --> 00:01:43,372
He's been this way since basic.
46
00:01:43,372 --> 00:01:45,791
Always after meals,
if you catch my drift.
47
00:01:46,333 --> 00:01:47,584
So what do I do here?
48
00:01:48,085 --> 00:01:50,420
I-I don't know. Tell him
he looks good in any size?
49
00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:52,589
Or maybe don't talk about
his body at all, sir.
50
00:01:53,924 --> 00:01:56,468
Private Cooper, what is
your major malfunction?
51
00:01:56,468 --> 00:01:59,429
Sorry, sir. I'm just
a straight-up coward.
52
00:02:00,931 --> 00:02:02,349
I'm afraid of sharks.
53
00:02:02,349 --> 00:02:04,309
- Hair-trigger, sir.
- [GUN CLICKING]
54
00:02:04,309 --> 00:02:06,019
Enough!
55
00:02:06,019 --> 00:02:08,188
No more vomit!
56
00:02:08,188 --> 00:02:11,316
Now, we are about to embark on
the biggest military campaign
57
00:02:11,316 --> 00:02:13,610
in the history of the world part two!
58
00:02:13,610 --> 00:02:17,364
And I need you to just... [GROWLING]
59
00:02:17,364 --> 00:02:19,867
Captain, are you okay?
60
00:02:19,867 --> 00:02:21,410
No.
61
00:02:21,410 --> 00:02:23,662
- I just shit my dang pants.
- Oh, no.
62
00:02:23,662 --> 00:02:27,124
[EPIC MUSIC]
63
00:02:31,295 --> 00:02:33,005
SOLDIER: Save it for the Nazis!
64
00:02:34,965 --> 00:02:37,968
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
65
00:02:41,221 --> 00:02:44,224
MEL: History of the World, Part II!
66
00:02:50,814 --> 00:02:52,107
[BIBLICAL MUSIC]
67
00:02:52,107 --> 00:02:54,109
MEL: The Story of Jesus.
68
00:02:57,529 --> 00:03:00,324
[ANGELIC VOCALS]
69
00:03:01,658 --> 00:03:04,661
[CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM THEME]
70
00:03:08,624 --> 00:03:12,377
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
71
00:03:12,377 --> 00:03:14,630
Mm. [SMACKS LIPS] Mm.
72
00:03:17,341 --> 00:03:18,884
Mm. Delicious.
73
00:03:18,884 --> 00:03:21,303
Luke, there it is!
74
00:03:21,303 --> 00:03:23,722
- Judas, what's goin' down?
- How you doin', man?
75
00:03:23,722 --> 00:03:25,349
Man, I had to get me
something in my belly, man.
76
00:03:25,349 --> 00:03:26,850
You know that last supper wasn't shit.
77
00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:28,936
[SIGHS] Didn't hit anything for me.
78
00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:30,479
Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right?
79
00:03:31,146 --> 00:03:33,816
Nothin' worse than goin'
somewhere for a meal,
80
00:03:33,816 --> 00:03:35,651
and you gotta come the
fuck home and eat again.
81
00:03:35,651 --> 00:03:37,694
It's like, what's the point?
I could've just stayed home.
82
00:03:37,694 --> 00:03:38,946
- What's the fuckin' point?
- I know.
83
00:03:38,946 --> 00:03:41,532
Jesus invites us over
for dinner, and then what?
84
00:03:41,532 --> 00:03:44,618
It's like a bunch of small medi
plates? One lamb meatball as an entrée?
85
00:03:44,618 --> 00:03:47,121
If you're gonna gimme one meatball,
it better be a big-ass meatball.
86
00:03:47,121 --> 00:03:49,498
If it's not bigger than
my head, I don't want it.
87
00:03:49,498 --> 00:03:51,917
- Look, I don't wanna complain.
- Can't hate on Jesus.
88
00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:54,294
I can't hate on Jesus.
I love being a disciple.
89
00:03:54,294 --> 00:03:56,505
But you go to one of these dinners,
90
00:03:56,505 --> 00:03:58,173
there's 11 other guys there
91
00:03:58,173 --> 00:04:00,634
who got plans that
they want you to attend.
92
00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,678
- Did Peter corner you?
- Of course, he did.
93
00:04:02,678 --> 00:04:04,138
[WHINY VOICE]: "You coming
to my one-man show?"
94
00:04:04,138 --> 00:04:05,681
One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst!
95
00:04:05,681 --> 00:04:07,224
With a one-man show,
you don't get the chance
96
00:04:07,224 --> 00:04:08,725
to see other people,
other actors, and shit.
97
00:04:08,725 --> 00:04:10,519
You sitting there like,
"This motherfucka again?"
98
00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:11,979
- I know.
- This motherfucka again?
99
00:04:11,979 --> 00:04:13,063
- I know.
- Ain't never leave!
100
00:04:13,063 --> 00:04:14,690
So he's always gonna be
"this motherfucka again!"
101
00:04:14,690 --> 00:04:17,025
I know. I feel gross after
that dinner. Do you know why?
102
00:04:17,025 --> 00:04:18,986
- Why?
- All that feet washing.
103
00:04:18,986 --> 00:04:21,238
Why is everybody washing
feet all the time?
104
00:04:21,238 --> 00:04:23,449
Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet?
105
00:04:23,449 --> 00:04:24,658
- I don't like it.
- It's unsanitary!
106
00:04:24,658 --> 00:04:26,785
- It's unsanitary. Thank you!
- That's what it is.
107
00:04:26,785 --> 00:04:29,121
Thank you. I just don't like feet.
108
00:04:29,121 --> 00:04:31,957
I don't wanna wash 'em.
I don't wanna look at 'em.
109
00:04:31,957 --> 00:04:33,333
I... don't like feet.
110
00:04:33,333 --> 00:04:34,835
- Oh, man.
- You like feet?
111
00:04:34,835 --> 00:04:36,712
- I make love to a fuckin' foot.
- Really?
112
00:04:36,712 --> 00:04:38,255
Oh, man. Well, two feet.
113
00:04:38,255 --> 00:04:40,215
- See, you're sitting in a yoga pose...
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
114
00:04:40,215 --> 00:04:42,885
... you put both feet together,
so that you create this.
115
00:04:42,885 --> 00:04:43,927
Oh, okay.
116
00:04:43,927 --> 00:04:45,471
Put a little lubricant
in that motherfucka,
117
00:04:45,471 --> 00:04:47,473
and break them feet off. Break 'em off.
118
00:04:47,473 --> 00:04:49,266
Get the party started.
You break your way up.
119
00:04:49,266 --> 00:04:50,684
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
120
00:04:50,684 --> 00:04:52,811
What is this? Who knocks at this hour?
121
00:04:52,811 --> 00:04:56,064
That's why we put
blood on the door frame!
122
00:04:56,064 --> 00:04:58,525
So you could pass over us!
123
00:04:58,525 --> 00:04:59,943
See? Pass over!
124
00:04:59,943 --> 00:05:01,862
[JAUNTY MUSIC]
125
00:05:01,862 --> 00:05:03,655
- Huh?
- Uh-oh. It's the Ro-Ro.
126
00:05:03,655 --> 00:05:05,073
- [POLICE SIREN]
- JUDAS: Roman soldiers?
127
00:05:05,073 --> 00:05:07,159
What are they doing here at this hour?
128
00:05:07,159 --> 00:05:09,369
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
129
00:05:09,828 --> 00:05:10,828
Judas Iscariot?
130
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:14,041
- Nope, don't think he's, uh...
- Right here.
131
00:05:14,041 --> 00:05:15,375
The fuck are you doing, man?
132
00:05:15,375 --> 00:05:16,919
Not gonna stand here and get profiled.
133
00:05:16,919 --> 00:05:18,545
ROMAN: I'm gonna cut
straight to the chase.
134
00:05:18,545 --> 00:05:20,290
We've gotta arrest this Jesus character.
135
00:05:20,291 --> 00:05:21,465
He is a danger to the community.
136
00:05:21,465 --> 00:05:24,676
Whoa, whoa, h-hold the
fuck up, Mr. Rooster Helmet.
137
00:05:24,676 --> 00:05:25,676
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
138
00:05:25,677 --> 00:05:27,137
I don't know what the fuck
you talking about right now,
139
00:05:27,137 --> 00:05:29,389
but Jesus is all about the peace.
140
00:05:29,389 --> 00:05:31,642
Peace and love. He's
all about peace and love.
141
00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:33,977
Judas, we know you
were at the Last Supper.
142
00:05:33,977 --> 00:05:36,271
Everyone knows you're
the most weaselly apostle.
143
00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:37,731
That feels antisemitic.
144
00:05:37,731 --> 00:05:39,942
What we don't know is
what this Jesus looks like.
145
00:05:39,942 --> 00:05:41,693
Now, you identify him for us,
146
00:05:41,693 --> 00:05:44,196
and you will be richly compensated.
147
00:05:44,196 --> 00:05:45,614
Richly compensated?
148
00:05:45,614 --> 00:05:46,907
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
149
00:05:46,907 --> 00:05:47,908
Uh-huh.
150
00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:51,120
Hm...
151
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,664
Eh? Mm-hmm?
152
00:05:55,582 --> 00:05:56,625
Hm.
153
00:05:58,252 --> 00:05:59,294
Eh?
154
00:06:00,337 --> 00:06:01,922
Okay, well...
155
00:06:01,922 --> 00:06:03,924
if I were to do it, and
I'm not saying I would...
156
00:06:03,924 --> 00:06:06,093
- LUKE: Hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Hypothetically speaking,
157
00:06:06,093 --> 00:06:07,678
if I were to do it...
158
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,389
[SLURRED]: I mean, what
would be in it for me?
159
00:06:10,389 --> 00:06:12,307
- Thirty pieces of silver.
- [COINS JANGLING]
160
00:06:12,307 --> 00:06:14,351
[NORMAL VOICE]: Thirty pieces of silver?
161
00:06:14,351 --> 00:06:15,769
Mm...
162
00:06:15,769 --> 00:06:17,020
[SIGHS]
163
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,606
I mean, I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna do it.
164
00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:21,275
Jesus is a good friend.
He's a good friend of ours.
165
00:06:21,275 --> 00:06:23,360
- PETER: Right.
- But, if I were to do it,
166
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,028
how would I even identify him?
167
00:06:25,028 --> 00:06:26,572
You're the weasel. You tell me.
168
00:06:26,572 --> 00:06:28,949
Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass.
169
00:06:28,949 --> 00:06:30,617
- Slap him on the ass?
- Yeah!
170
00:06:30,617 --> 00:06:32,661
Why don't I just give him a
big fat kiss while I'm at it?
171
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,288
ROMAN: Oh! That could work, yeah.
172
00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:36,582
- JUDAS: What?
- Yeah. You give him a kiss,
173
00:06:36,582 --> 00:06:38,000
we swoop in... Gimme your hand.
174
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,751
We swoop in and arrest him.
175
00:06:39,751 --> 00:06:40,878
[COINS CLINKING]
176
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,838
Soldiers, march!
177
00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:45,340
- Keep marching a hole in the left!
- [POLICE SIREN CHIRPS]
178
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:46,675
Keep marching a hole in the right...
179
00:06:46,675 --> 00:06:48,302
Know what you can do
with 30 pieces of silver?
180
00:06:48,302 --> 00:06:49,303
What?
181
00:06:49,303 --> 00:06:51,180
Buy one big-ass meatball.
182
00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:52,347
♪
183
00:06:52,347 --> 00:06:54,933
- We would have a nice dinner, wouldn't we?
- Fuckin' right.
184
00:06:54,933 --> 00:06:57,269
- [COINS JANGLING]
- [LAUGHING]
185
00:07:00,355 --> 00:07:01,356
♪
186
00:07:01,356 --> 00:07:03,108
MEL: Shirley Chisholm.
187
00:07:03,108 --> 00:07:05,694
[FUNK MUSIC]
188
00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:08,489
In 1968, Shirley Chisholm
189
00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:10,449
became the first Black woman
190
00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:13,035
elected to the United States Congress,
191
00:07:13,035 --> 00:07:16,747
serving Brooklyn, the
home of me, and Jay-Z.
192
00:07:16,747 --> 00:07:18,999
Brooklyn represent, represent!
193
00:07:18,999 --> 00:07:20,709
I don't know what that means.
194
00:07:20,709 --> 00:07:23,378
Anyway, four years later,
she ran for president,
195
00:07:23,378 --> 00:07:25,589
and this is that story.
196
00:07:25,589 --> 00:07:27,007
With a laugh track!
197
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:29,384
[70S SITCOM MUSIC]
198
00:07:29,384 --> 00:07:32,679
♪ From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
199
00:07:32,679 --> 00:07:35,015
♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
200
00:07:35,015 --> 00:07:37,518
♪ She's Shirley, it's
been a long, hard road ♪
201
00:07:37,518 --> 00:07:39,186
♪ But hope was never lost ♪
202
00:07:39,186 --> 00:07:43,107
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
203
00:07:43,107 --> 00:07:45,776
♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪
204
00:07:45,776 --> 00:07:47,945
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
205
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:49,154
ANNOUNCER: Shirley is brought to you
206
00:07:49,154 --> 00:07:51,990
by the actual presidential
candidate, Shirley Chisholm,
207
00:07:51,990 --> 00:07:55,285
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
208
00:07:55,285 --> 00:07:57,663
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
209
00:07:57,663 --> 00:08:01,125
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
210
00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:04,128
How's my favorite first
Black congresswoman?
211
00:08:04,128 --> 00:08:05,796
She's terrible.
212
00:08:05,796 --> 00:08:07,256
Nothing gets done in Congress,
213
00:08:07,256 --> 00:08:09,299
except for me getting screwed.
214
00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:11,969
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
215
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,887
And speaking of getting screwed,
216
00:08:13,887 --> 00:08:15,973
how's my favorite dick?
217
00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:18,684
Did you solve the case of
the missing circus elephant?
218
00:08:18,684 --> 00:08:20,394
Heh, sure did. Turns out,
219
00:08:20,394 --> 00:08:23,105
it was the evil Ringling
Brother, Ding-A-Ling.
220
00:08:23,105 --> 00:08:25,649
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
221
00:08:25,649 --> 00:08:28,902
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
222
00:08:28,902 --> 00:08:30,654
I always thought of you as a clown.
223
00:08:30,654 --> 00:08:34,158
I guess now, my eyes have
caught up with my brain.
224
00:08:34,158 --> 00:08:37,703
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
225
00:08:37,703 --> 00:08:39,746
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
226
00:08:39,746 --> 00:08:41,415
Ha, ha!
227
00:08:41,415 --> 00:08:43,041
Florynce Kennedy,
228
00:08:43,041 --> 00:08:45,711
why do you insist on
coming through my window?
229
00:08:45,711 --> 00:08:47,421
Because you won't gimme a key.
230
00:08:47,421 --> 00:08:49,715
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
231
00:08:49,715 --> 00:08:51,175
So, what were y'all talking about?
232
00:08:51,175 --> 00:08:54,386
Oh, just how I'm fed
up with Congress is all.
233
00:08:54,386 --> 00:08:57,890
You know, I wanna work on the problems
of my constituents in Brooklyn.
234
00:08:57,890 --> 00:09:00,809
You know, healthcare, education,
235
00:09:00,809 --> 00:09:02,770
tickets to Marvin Gaye.
236
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:04,563
FLORYNCE: As your chief advisor,
237
00:09:04,563 --> 00:09:07,065
you got to take this
to the tippity-top!
238
00:09:08,275 --> 00:09:09,860
BOTH: Harry Belafonte?
239
00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:11,862
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
240
00:09:11,862 --> 00:09:14,656
No. To the president.
241
00:09:14,656 --> 00:09:17,117
You want me to call President Nixon?
242
00:09:17,117 --> 00:09:19,536
Well, there are a few things
I'd like to call him,
243
00:09:19,536 --> 00:09:21,371
but they wouldn't clear
standards and practices.
244
00:09:21,371 --> 00:09:22,956
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
245
00:09:22,956 --> 00:09:24,958
You know what? Maybe I will.
246
00:09:27,294 --> 00:09:30,798
[DIALING, DIAL TONE]
247
00:09:30,798 --> 00:09:32,800
Hello, is this the White House?
248
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,052
This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm,
249
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:38,514
and I would like to speak
with President Nixon, please.
250
00:09:38,514 --> 00:09:40,682
Oh hello, Mr. President.
251
00:09:40,682 --> 00:09:44,144
I didn't realize that you
answered your own phone.
252
00:09:44,144 --> 00:09:46,730
How... very not paranoid of you, sir.
253
00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:49,775
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
254
00:09:49,775 --> 00:09:51,985
Yes. Uh-huh.
255
00:09:51,985 --> 00:09:53,654
Tonight?
256
00:09:53,654 --> 00:09:55,280
7:30?
257
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,865
My place?
258
00:09:56,865 --> 00:09:58,617
- Nothing too ethnic.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
259
00:09:58,617 --> 00:10:01,245
Yes! I can do that.
260
00:10:01,245 --> 00:10:02,496
Thank you.
261
00:10:03,622 --> 00:10:04,915
[HANGS UP PHONE]
262
00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:07,000
Guess who's coming to dinner?
263
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,710
Will you two
264
00:10:08,710 --> 00:10:10,754
stop playing around and
help me get dinner ready?
265
00:10:10,754 --> 00:10:12,798
[BOTH YELLING, GRUNTING]
266
00:10:12,798 --> 00:10:15,467
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
267
00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:18,887
- [PHONE FALLS OFF HOOK]
- [STILTED]: Help! Help! Help!
268
00:10:18,887 --> 00:10:20,514
[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
269
00:10:20,514 --> 00:10:22,266
ANNOUNCER: Shirley will be right back
270
00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:24,643
after these Black hair
product commercials.
271
00:10:26,603 --> 00:10:27,646
[MILITARY MUSIC]
272
00:10:27,646 --> 00:10:30,691
MEL: Previously on The Civil War...
273
00:10:31,984 --> 00:10:35,112
No more alcohol until the war is over.
274
00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:36,321
[ANGRY GROWL]
275
00:10:36,321 --> 00:10:37,865
RT, come over here.
276
00:10:37,865 --> 00:10:39,700
There's my big, strong boy.
277
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:42,327
You are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission.
278
00:10:42,327 --> 00:10:44,788
I will follow you to
the gates of hell, sir.
279
00:10:44,788 --> 00:10:47,458
It's worse than that, son.
We're going to West Virginia.
280
00:10:47,458 --> 00:10:48,917
No!
281
00:10:51,753 --> 00:10:54,381
[WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC]
282
00:10:54,381 --> 00:10:56,884
RT [WHISPERING]: West Virginia
is so much worse than I thought.
283
00:10:58,135 --> 00:11:00,012
Good call on losing
the uniforms, sir.
284
00:11:00,012 --> 00:11:01,597
[WHISPERS]: Yeah, I know. I'm a general.
285
00:11:01,597 --> 00:11:03,640
This isn't my first secret mission.
286
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,976
RT: What is the secret
mission, by the way?
287
00:11:05,976 --> 00:11:08,020
We'll go to that saloon over
there and have a quick drink.
288
00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,521
- Just try to blend in.
- RT: Yes, sir.
289
00:11:09,521 --> 00:11:11,064
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Howdy!
290
00:11:11,064 --> 00:11:13,567
- RT: Howdy!
- H... Say it with a Southern accent!
291
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:15,235
- RT [SOUTHERN]: Howdy!
- GRANT [SOUTHERN]: Howdy!
292
00:11:15,235 --> 00:11:17,613
- [IRISH ACCENT]: Howdy-do? [LAUGHS]
- Not Irish!
293
00:11:17,613 --> 00:11:19,615
- [CAR LOCK BEEPING]
- All right. And don't futz with the settings,
294
00:11:19,615 --> 00:11:21,533
please, thank you. Yeah.
295
00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:23,410
Now listen, RT.
296
00:11:23,410 --> 00:11:26,872
We gotta keep a low profile, okay?
These people don't like our kind.
297
00:11:26,872 --> 00:11:28,165
Sagittarius?
298
00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:30,584
- Yankees!
- Right.
299
00:11:30,584 --> 00:11:31,710
Of course, you're a Sagittarius.
300
00:11:31,710 --> 00:11:33,545
With Mercury in retrograde,
it all makes sense.
301
00:11:33,545 --> 00:11:35,506
Just listen to me. Okay, be cool,
302
00:11:35,506 --> 00:11:38,509
and if anything's out of order, just
split up, and I'll find you, okay?
303
00:11:38,509 --> 00:11:40,260
- RT: Yes, sir.
- GRANT: [SIGHS] Shit.
304
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:42,137
[OLD TIMEY PIANO]
305
00:11:42,137 --> 00:11:44,556
[SALOON CHATTER]
306
00:11:44,556 --> 00:11:45,724
[CHATTER STOPS]
307
00:11:45,724 --> 00:11:48,060
[STRAINING]
308
00:11:48,060 --> 00:11:49,812
[DOORS CREAKING]
309
00:11:49,812 --> 00:11:51,188
[GROANING]
310
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,981
[GRUNTS] Oh! Jesus!
311
00:11:52,981 --> 00:11:55,025
[MUTTERS]: What was that?
312
00:11:55,025 --> 00:11:56,735
- [MUTTERS]: You said split up.
- Not literally!
313
00:11:58,654 --> 00:11:59,655
[SIGHS]
314
00:12:00,739 --> 00:12:03,534
- Howdy! [LAUGHS]
- Howdy.
315
00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:04,910
- [CHATTER RESUMES]
- GRANT: Howdy to you.
316
00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:06,537
Howdy, just here for a drink.
317
00:12:06,537 --> 00:12:07,704
[PIANO RESTARTS]
318
00:12:07,704 --> 00:12:09,832
[DEEP VOICE]: Howdy. [CLEARS THROAT]
319
00:12:09,832 --> 00:12:11,834
[CLEARING THROAT]
320
00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:13,377
Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey.
321
00:12:13,377 --> 00:12:15,170
Sir? Please? Hello!
322
00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:17,131
Okay, he looked me right in the eye.
323
00:12:17,131 --> 00:12:19,341
[WHISPERS]: Okay, sir. General.
324
00:12:19,341 --> 00:12:20,843
I have a strategy.
325
00:12:20,843 --> 00:12:22,594
- I think if we wanna properly blend in...
- Yes.
326
00:12:22,594 --> 00:12:24,596
... that we should be able
to adopt new characters.
327
00:12:24,596 --> 00:12:25,973
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay? So,
328
00:12:25,973 --> 00:12:29,017
I think I should be
Byron De La Étouffée,
329
00:12:29,017 --> 00:12:30,853
- prosperous tobacco magnate.
- Okay.
330
00:12:30,853 --> 00:12:32,938
You can be Mint Julep
De La Étouffée,
331
00:12:32,938 --> 00:12:34,189
- my son.
- [ANNOYED GRUNT]
332
00:12:34,189 --> 00:12:35,816
Why would I be your son?
333
00:12:35,816 --> 00:12:37,568
In what universe does that make sense?
334
00:12:37,568 --> 00:12:39,319
I'm 20 years older than you.
335
00:12:39,987 --> 00:12:41,363
- Just an idea.
- It's a bad idea.
336
00:12:41,363 --> 00:12:42,906
- Okay.
- Okay, j-j-j-just sit here
337
00:12:42,906 --> 00:12:44,491
- and watch my back.
- Yes, sir.
338
00:12:44,491 --> 00:12:45,868
Come to papa.
339
00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:47,536
- That's what I've been waiting for.
- Buck up.
340
00:12:47,536 --> 00:12:50,998
What? What!? What are you...
You are a psychopath, sir.
341
00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:54,042
- God, that is so weird. That's weird!
- [RT CLEARS THROAT]
342
00:12:54,042 --> 00:12:55,669
MAN: Oh, you think that's weird, huh?
343
00:12:55,669 --> 00:12:57,421
[CHATTER, MUSIC STOPS]
344
00:12:57,421 --> 00:12:58,839
♪
345
00:12:58,839 --> 00:13:00,299
You think that's weird?
346
00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:02,593
WOMAN: Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah!
347
00:13:02,593 --> 00:13:04,428
[DRAMATIC BANJO]
348
00:13:04,428 --> 00:13:06,430
Hoo... wee!
349
00:13:06,430 --> 00:13:07,931
Mm, mm, mmm.
350
00:13:09,183 --> 00:13:11,059
I think you're weird.
351
00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:15,314
Who are you boys? [SPITS]
352
00:13:15,314 --> 00:13:17,107
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I am
Byron De La Étouffée,
353
00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:19,109
- and this is my s...
- [SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Friend!
354
00:13:19,109 --> 00:13:21,945
Uh, we stopped in here to wet
our whistles and talk about
355
00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:24,281
- how much we love... cotton.
- Yes.
356
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,908
We love it.
357
00:13:25,908 --> 00:13:29,453
The touch, the feel, it is
truly the fabric of our lives.
358
00:13:29,453 --> 00:13:31,497
♪
359
00:13:31,497 --> 00:13:33,832
Where are you boys from?
360
00:13:33,832 --> 00:13:36,919
Little town by yonder way called...
361
00:13:37,711 --> 00:13:39,213
Slaveburg.
362
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:41,799
Slaveburg?
363
00:13:41,799 --> 00:13:43,592
I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg.
364
00:13:43,592 --> 00:13:45,469
[TENSE MUSIC]
365
00:13:45,469 --> 00:13:46,804
It's in Mississippi.
366
00:13:47,179 --> 00:13:49,932
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
- That checks out.
367
00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:51,683
- That checks out.
- WOMAN: We been there, we been there.
368
00:13:51,683 --> 00:13:53,352
Well, you two rebels,
369
00:13:53,352 --> 00:13:55,604
you must be very familiar with
the game we play around here.
370
00:13:55,604 --> 00:13:58,941
A game that, uh, well...
[LAUGHING] [PUTS DOWN SPITOON]
371
00:13:58,941 --> 00:14:01,110
It always ends up with somebody getting
372
00:14:01,110 --> 00:14:03,112
carried out those doors.
373
00:14:03,112 --> 00:14:04,363
[WHIP CRACK]
374
00:14:04,363 --> 00:14:06,615
- "Never Have I Ever."
- [HAWK SCREECH]
375
00:14:06,615 --> 00:14:08,909
[SALOON CHEERING]
376
00:14:08,909 --> 00:14:11,245
[UPBEAT PIANO]
377
00:14:11,245 --> 00:14:12,454
[MAN LAUGHING]
378
00:14:12,454 --> 00:14:14,248
Oh hello, daddy.
379
00:14:14,248 --> 00:14:16,583
- Hey! First rule!
- Ow!
380
00:14:16,583 --> 00:14:18,877
No drinking till we start.
381
00:14:18,877 --> 00:14:20,420
[GIGGLING]
382
00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:23,006
[GROANS] Okay. [SPITS]
383
00:14:23,006 --> 00:14:24,466
Second rule!
384
00:14:24,466 --> 00:14:26,218
You only drink if you've done the thing
385
00:14:26,218 --> 00:14:28,428
that the person whose turn
it is said they've never done.
386
00:14:28,428 --> 00:14:30,055
FRIEND: That's right.
387
00:14:30,055 --> 00:14:32,641
Till the man whose turn
it is takes a drink.
388
00:14:32,641 --> 00:14:34,726
Well then, I will go
first, and I wanna say...
389
00:14:34,726 --> 00:14:37,187
- Ow!
- No, no, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
390
00:14:37,187 --> 00:14:40,232
They only drink if no one's done
the thing they said they'd never did.
391
00:14:40,232 --> 00:14:42,276
I thought if a person said
they've never did the thing,
392
00:14:42,276 --> 00:14:44,069
they were lying, and
therefore must drink.
393
00:14:44,069 --> 00:14:45,779
I actually think Glenn is correct...
394
00:14:45,779 --> 00:14:47,406
No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée!
395
00:14:47,406 --> 00:14:48,782
How many times we gon' go through this?
396
00:14:48,782 --> 00:14:50,868
Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it.
397
00:14:50,868 --> 00:14:53,203
Oh, let me get this straight,
mister. You're trying to say
398
00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,330
I don't know the rules
of "Never Have I Ever"?
399
00:14:55,330 --> 00:14:57,124
Maybe I am. What of it?
400
00:14:57,124 --> 00:15:00,127
[MUMBLING]: This the same reason
why you're not on my charades team.
401
00:15:00,127 --> 00:15:02,087
GLENN: Maybe no one
understands how to play the game
402
00:15:02,087 --> 00:15:04,548
'cause they can't understand
what the fuck you're saying!
403
00:15:04,548 --> 00:15:06,550
- [INCOHERENT ANGRY MUMBLING]
- GRANT: Okay, enough of this shit.
404
00:15:06,550 --> 00:15:08,969
How about this? Whiskey for everybody!
405
00:15:08,969 --> 00:15:11,638
- [EVERYONE CHEERING]
- [OLD TIMEY MUSIC RETURNS]
406
00:15:11,638 --> 00:15:13,390
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
407
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,100
What in blue blazes
408
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:17,603
you doin' with a dirty Union greenback?
409
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:20,647
Uh... [AWKWARD LAUGH]
410
00:15:20,647 --> 00:15:23,525
Well, I am a proud rebel
411
00:15:23,525 --> 00:15:26,069
who killed a Union soldier
412
00:15:26,069 --> 00:15:28,530
- and took his money.
- [CROWD GASPS]
413
00:15:29,156 --> 00:15:30,491
Then, why's your face on it?
414
00:15:30,491 --> 00:15:31,992
[CROWD GASPS]
415
00:15:32,993 --> 00:15:36,205
That could be anybody. All white
men with beards look alike, huh?
416
00:15:36,205 --> 00:15:37,247
What are you, racist?
417
00:15:37,998 --> 00:15:41,460
Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal.
418
00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:43,420
We hate everything.
419
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:46,381
People who turn classic
movies into TV shows.
420
00:15:46,381 --> 00:15:48,050
Boat owners.
421
00:15:48,050 --> 00:15:49,802
- Sound effects.
- GLENN: Redheads.
422
00:15:49,802 --> 00:15:52,471
- Deadheads!
- For-profit universities.
423
00:15:52,471 --> 00:15:54,306
Novelty license plates.
424
00:15:54,306 --> 00:15:56,517
Picking people up from the airport!
425
00:15:56,517 --> 00:15:57,768
But most of all...
426
00:15:57,768 --> 00:16:00,354
- [GUNS COCKING]
- All right.
427
00:16:00,354 --> 00:16:02,064
- ... Yankees.
- [MENACING OZARK HARP]
428
00:16:02,064 --> 00:16:03,607
[BOSTON ACCENT]: Fuck Jeter!
429
00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:07,569
And you know what? Fuck Tom
Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay
430
00:16:07,569 --> 00:16:09,655
fuckin' wherever he is now.
431
00:16:09,655 --> 00:16:11,448
Get that fuckin' thing
outta here! What are you...
432
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:12,448
[NO ACCENT]: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
433
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:14,368
We gotta finish the scene, dude.
434
00:16:14,368 --> 00:16:16,870
Oh, you wanna finish the scene?
Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness.
435
00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,789
- Hollyweird!
- Just don't engage. Don't engage.
436
00:16:18,789 --> 00:16:21,917
Why don't you get LeBron to
finish it? Oh! He's injured!
437
00:16:21,917 --> 00:16:23,961
- Yankees.
- RED SOX FAN: Get a real basketball player
438
00:16:23,961 --> 00:16:25,587
- like Larry fuckin' Bird.
- [GUNS COCKING]
439
00:16:30,342 --> 00:16:32,845
MEL: The Mongolian Empire.
440
00:16:32,845 --> 00:16:35,806
[MYSTICAL MUSIC]
441
00:16:35,806 --> 00:16:39,393
In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice
442
00:16:39,393 --> 00:16:41,603
- travels the Silk Road...
- Marco Polo!
443
00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:44,523
MEL: ... to meet the most
feared emperor in the world,
444
00:16:44,523 --> 00:16:46,942
- [DOORS SHUT]
- the great Kublai Khan.
445
00:16:46,942 --> 00:16:48,652
Get down.
446
00:16:48,652 --> 00:16:49,862
Go!
447
00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:51,864
On my knee... [LAUGHS]
Good. Let's do this.
448
00:16:51,864 --> 00:16:53,740
MEL: If it goes well,
449
00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,368
trade between the East and
the West will finally open.
450
00:16:56,368 --> 00:16:58,328
[GRUNTING, NERVOUS LAUGH]
451
00:16:58,328 --> 00:17:01,999
And if not, Polo could be "no-mo."
452
00:17:01,999 --> 00:17:03,083
You may rise.
453
00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:06,378
Oh, thank heavens. This was
a little bit humiliating.
454
00:17:07,087 --> 00:17:09,131
What an honor to be here. Thank you.
455
00:17:09,131 --> 00:17:12,134
I bring you gifts as a
gesture of our friendship.
456
00:17:12,676 --> 00:17:13,677
Swag!
457
00:17:13,677 --> 00:17:15,262
♪
458
00:17:15,262 --> 00:17:16,930
We call this shit silk.
459
00:17:17,306 --> 00:17:19,558
[EXCITED LAUGH] This is nice!
460
00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:21,101
[LAUGHING] What do you
call what I'm feeling?
461
00:17:21,101 --> 00:17:22,519
What's the word for this?
462
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:24,688
- Silky.
- MARCO POLO: Oh, yes!
463
00:17:24,688 --> 00:17:26,857
You know what? If you
put that right here,
464
00:17:26,857 --> 00:17:28,442
on, like, a nice suit?
465
00:17:28,442 --> 00:17:29,777
You'd never wait for a
table again in your life.
466
00:17:29,777 --> 00:17:32,112
All right, Kublai's turn!
467
00:17:32,905 --> 00:17:34,948
Okay, so what do you have for me?
468
00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:37,701
MARCO: Okay.
469
00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:39,828
So keep in mind, I've been on the
road for four and a half years,
470
00:17:39,828 --> 00:17:41,789
so there's a little bit of
wear and tear, right? [LAUGHS]
471
00:17:41,789 --> 00:17:44,166
Okay, I got something great,
you're gonna freak out.
472
00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:45,876
Put your hand out.
473
00:17:46,335 --> 00:17:50,047
I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir.
474
00:17:50,047 --> 00:17:51,799
What is shaky red?
475
00:17:51,799 --> 00:17:55,010
Hot peppers! That have been
crushed. I'd be a little careful.
476
00:17:55,010 --> 00:17:57,262
There's a little bit
of sand in there. The...
477
00:17:57,262 --> 00:17:59,556
The bottle broke in the desert.
What do you honestly think?
478
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,600
This is more of a pitch stage of the...
479
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,268
[SHAKY RED SCATTERING]
480
00:18:03,268 --> 00:18:04,502
Okay, well do you have anything else?
481
00:18:04,503 --> 00:18:05,813
To be frank, that was kinda shitty.
482
00:18:05,813 --> 00:18:07,648
For you? Yes. I have a goat
483
00:18:07,648 --> 00:18:10,067
that was blessed by the Pope himself!
484
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:12,152
- Oh, what? The Pope?
- [LAUGHS] Yeah!
485
00:18:12,152 --> 00:18:13,779
- [LAUGHING]
- Oh man, I heard all about that guy.
486
00:18:13,779 --> 00:18:15,906
The Pope Goat. Would love to
meet this goat, where is it?
487
00:18:17,991 --> 00:18:19,576
MARCO: Shit.
488
00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,370
It's right here!
489
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:23,831
We had to eat the actual
goat a year and a half ago
490
00:18:23,831 --> 00:18:25,916
because we were starving to death,
491
00:18:25,916 --> 00:18:27,417
of course.
492
00:18:27,876 --> 00:18:30,003
- That's still blessed by...
- So,
493
00:18:30,003 --> 00:18:32,798
they tell me you have, like,
these scrolls of knowledge?
494
00:18:32,798 --> 00:18:34,967
I had to burn them,
obviously, to cook the goat,
495
00:18:34,967 --> 00:18:36,343
so it was a catch-22.
496
00:18:36,343 --> 00:18:39,054
So, are you saying you brought nothing
497
00:18:39,054 --> 00:18:41,640
- for the Great Khan?
- You know what I do have for you?
498
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,934
- It's a game.
- What is this game?
499
00:18:46,562 --> 00:18:48,355
It's "Marco Polo."
500
00:18:48,355 --> 00:18:50,399
And the way that you play is
somebody closes their eyes,
501
00:18:50,399 --> 00:18:52,192
and th-they're looking
for the other guy,
502
00:18:52,192 --> 00:18:55,154
and th-they're running
around, they say "Marco!"
503
00:18:55,154 --> 00:18:57,239
And the other guy says "Polo!"
504
00:18:57,239 --> 00:18:59,992
It's a load of fun!
It's better in a pool.
505
00:18:59,992 --> 00:19:01,118
You know what? Fuck this!
506
00:19:01,118 --> 00:19:03,495
All you brought me was some spicy sand
507
00:19:03,495 --> 00:19:05,539
and a dumbass game
that you just made up?
508
00:19:05,539 --> 00:19:08,292
Please. It has been a crazy journey.
509
00:19:08,292 --> 00:19:10,085
There've been a lot
of bumps on the road.
510
00:19:10,085 --> 00:19:11,920
Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out.
511
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,422
- Take him!
- Koobs, Koobs!
512
00:19:13,422 --> 00:19:14,673
- Stop calling me Koobs!
- No, no, no.
513
00:19:14,673 --> 00:19:16,550
Please don't do this. No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, please!
514
00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:18,343
Burn this motherfucker alive!
515
00:19:18,343 --> 00:19:20,262
No, no, please don't burn me
alive! Don't burn me alive!
516
00:19:20,262 --> 00:19:22,264
- I wanna hear his guts popping!
- I'll do anything! No, no, no!
517
00:19:22,264 --> 00:19:25,976
I'll suck my own dick!
518
00:19:25,976 --> 00:19:27,478
[GASPS] Please.
519
00:19:28,103 --> 00:19:29,104
[GASPS]
520
00:19:29,104 --> 00:19:30,939
[PANTING]
521
00:19:30,939 --> 00:19:33,442
[LAUGHING]
522
00:19:33,442 --> 00:19:34,651
We pranked you!
523
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,361
You got Khan'd, bro!
524
00:19:36,361 --> 00:19:39,948
[PUNK'D-STYLE MUSIC]
525
00:19:39,948 --> 00:19:42,117
- What do you mean it's a prank?
- It's a prank!
526
00:19:42,117 --> 00:19:43,869
We've been trying to think
for the last four years
527
00:19:43,869 --> 00:19:46,497
- of some way to get you, and we got you!
- [NERVOUS LAUGHING]
528
00:19:46,497 --> 00:19:47,998
Check it out, check it out.
529
00:19:47,998 --> 00:19:50,292
We got hidden charcoal artists
everywhere. Look, we got one over here.
530
00:19:50,292 --> 00:19:52,002
- Ah?
- Wonderful.
531
00:19:52,002 --> 00:19:53,962
And look, we got one over here!
532
00:19:53,962 --> 00:19:55,672
He's got your depiction here, too!
533
00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:57,966
I was genuinely terrified for my life.
534
00:19:57,966 --> 00:20:00,177
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
535
00:20:00,177 --> 00:20:01,553
I'll suck my own dick!
536
00:20:01,553 --> 00:20:02,554
[FADES OUT]
537
00:20:03,388 --> 00:20:04,765
[FUNK MUSIC]
538
00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:06,767
MEL: Shirley Chisholm.
539
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,646
ANNOUNCER: Previously on Shirley...
540
00:20:10,646 --> 00:20:11,730
[DIALING]
541
00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:13,315
Oh hello, Mr. President.
542
00:20:13,315 --> 00:20:15,234
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
- Guess who's coming to dinner?
543
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:16,276
Mr. Nixon,
544
00:20:16,276 --> 00:20:19,363
what an immaculate honor
to have you into my home.
545
00:20:19,363 --> 00:20:22,866
I invited my most
charismatic and only friend,
546
00:20:22,866 --> 00:20:24,535
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
547
00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:26,578
- [AUDIENCE BOOING]
- I brought a bundt cake.
548
00:20:26,578 --> 00:20:29,873
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
549
00:20:29,873 --> 00:20:32,459
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
550
00:20:32,459 --> 00:20:35,212
- Uh, Mother, will you be joining us?
- Uh, let's see.
551
00:20:35,212 --> 00:20:38,674
Have dinner with two warmongering hogs,
552
00:20:38,674 --> 00:20:42,052
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER] or
drink my martini by myself?
553
00:20:42,052 --> 00:20:44,138
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
554
00:20:44,138 --> 00:20:45,806
That woman is enchanting.
555
00:20:45,806 --> 00:20:47,975
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
556
00:20:47,975 --> 00:20:50,227
The reason I asked you
here, Mr. President,
557
00:20:50,227 --> 00:20:53,647
is because I feel like I'm not
getting anything done in Congress.
558
00:20:53,647 --> 00:20:56,066
Why, yes, Shirley. You see, ahem,
559
00:20:56,066 --> 00:20:57,901
Congress has no power.
560
00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,695
The only person who
can get anything done
561
00:20:59,695 --> 00:21:01,780
is the President of the United States.
562
00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:04,074
The Commander-in-Chief.
563
00:21:04,074 --> 00:21:06,034
The King of the Free World.
564
00:21:06,034 --> 00:21:08,704
The Imperator of the Galaxy.
565
00:21:08,704 --> 00:21:11,415
Easy, Dick, don't let
the cat out of the bag.
566
00:21:11,415 --> 00:21:13,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
567
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,335
So you're saying that the
only way I can get stuff done
568
00:21:15,335 --> 00:21:17,379
is if I'm president?
569
00:21:17,379 --> 00:21:20,132
That's right, Shirley.
But, let's face it.
570
00:21:20,132 --> 00:21:21,425
That's not happening anytime soon.
571
00:21:21,425 --> 00:21:24,136
I mean, you're Black,
Shirley, and a woman.
572
00:21:24,970 --> 00:21:28,182
Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me.
573
00:21:28,182 --> 00:21:29,600
Well, great.
574
00:21:30,309 --> 00:21:32,227
To run for president!
575
00:21:32,227 --> 00:21:34,646
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- [LAUGHING]
576
00:21:34,646 --> 00:21:37,399
Well, Henry, it finally happened,
I never thought it would.
577
00:21:37,399 --> 00:21:38,984
A lady made me laugh.
578
00:21:38,984 --> 00:21:41,945
- [SCATTERED BOOS]
- Unlike you, I am no joke.
579
00:21:41,945 --> 00:21:44,698
I am unbought and unbossed!
580
00:21:44,698 --> 00:21:46,784
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Well!
581
00:21:46,784 --> 00:21:50,287
Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day.
582
00:21:50,287 --> 00:21:52,956
Now, Henry, let's return
to the White House.
583
00:21:52,956 --> 00:21:54,833
Your mother reminds me of a woman
584
00:21:54,833 --> 00:21:57,336
I met in Transylvania in 1403.
585
00:21:57,336 --> 00:21:58,545
Please give her my number.
586
00:21:58,545 --> 00:22:01,215
666-6666.
587
00:22:01,215 --> 00:22:03,801
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [DOOR SHUTS]
588
00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:07,179
So, looks like I'm
running for president.
589
00:22:07,179 --> 00:22:08,263
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Shirley,
590
00:22:08,263 --> 00:22:10,057
I wish you would've
talked to me about this.
591
00:22:10,057 --> 00:22:11,308
That's a big decision.
592
00:22:11,308 --> 00:22:13,268
Conrad, it's a TV show.
593
00:22:13,268 --> 00:22:16,438
We have to move the story along
at a faster pace than real life.
594
00:22:16,438 --> 00:22:18,023
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hm.
595
00:22:18,023 --> 00:22:20,067
Like a workout montage?
596
00:22:20,067 --> 00:22:20,818
♪
597
00:22:20,818 --> 00:22:24,696
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
598
00:22:29,076 --> 00:22:30,494
♪
599
00:22:30,494 --> 00:22:32,496
MEL: Jesus Christ.
600
00:22:34,748 --> 00:22:38,377
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem...
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
601
00:22:38,377 --> 00:22:42,047
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
602
00:22:42,047 --> 00:22:43,507
[RESTAURANT CHATTER]
603
00:22:43,507 --> 00:22:46,885
- Hey, barkeep? Two hot wines, please.
- BARKEEP: Coming right up, boss.
604
00:22:47,970 --> 00:22:51,098
- [LUKE SIGHS]
- So? What did we think about the show?
605
00:22:51,098 --> 00:22:53,392
Worst shit I have ever seen in my life.
606
00:22:53,392 --> 00:22:56,270
Right? Did you notice when he
was in the "hospital scene,"
607
00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:57,813
- he's in the bed?
- Yeah.
608
00:22:57,813 --> 00:22:59,148
He fell asleep, right?
609
00:22:59,148 --> 00:23:01,275
Was that acting or was he
really fuckin' sleeping?
610
00:23:01,275 --> 00:23:03,068
I don't know, but it's contagious
611
00:23:03,068 --> 00:23:05,279
- 'cause then I fall asleep.
- You gotta have intermission.
612
00:23:05,279 --> 00:23:06,905
People gotta get up
and stretch their legs
613
00:23:06,905 --> 00:23:09,074
a-and go out and stand in
front of the fuckin' theater
614
00:23:09,074 --> 00:23:11,410
a-and smoke a hookah
or some shit like that.
615
00:23:11,410 --> 00:23:13,370
Peter thinks it's good. He
thinks this show is good.
616
00:23:13,370 --> 00:23:16,540
He thinks he's gonna tape
this for a Netfish special!
617
00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:18,917
If this was on Netfish, I
would cancel my subscription.
618
00:23:18,917 --> 00:23:21,253
Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe
619
00:23:21,253 --> 00:23:23,213
that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight.
620
00:23:23,213 --> 00:23:27,092
What? I'm not gonna betray
Jesus. What are you talking about?
621
00:23:27,092 --> 00:23:28,677
Fuck me, what am I talking
about? You took the money!
622
00:23:28,677 --> 00:23:32,097
I had to take the money. Peter
made us pay for this one-man show.
623
00:23:32,097 --> 00:23:34,057
We're his friends. We should be comped.
624
00:23:34,057 --> 00:23:38,270
And that is what the
fuck you call a betrayal!
625
00:23:38,270 --> 00:23:39,646
- MAN: Betrayal?
- What?
626
00:23:39,646 --> 00:23:41,607
Betrayal? Who are you
gonna betray? [SHUSHING]
627
00:23:41,607 --> 00:23:43,525
No, what are you guys talking about?
628
00:23:43,525 --> 00:23:45,611
- Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
- Who's getting betrayed?
629
00:23:45,611 --> 00:23:47,696
No, no, no, there's
no betrayal happening.
630
00:23:47,696 --> 00:23:49,531
- It's fine.
- Okay. So, what'd you think of the play?
631
00:23:49,531 --> 00:23:51,950
LUKE: You were up there
trying really hard.
632
00:23:51,950 --> 00:23:52,950
And the details about your family.
633
00:23:52,951 --> 00:23:55,037
H-how your dad was a... was a Galilean,
634
00:23:55,037 --> 00:23:58,707
a-and your mom was a Moabite?
A-and the fact that you had therapy?
635
00:23:58,707 --> 00:24:00,042
- Fucked me up.
- Thank you, man.
636
00:24:00,042 --> 00:24:02,044
- You see me. You see me.
- I saw you.
637
00:24:02,044 --> 00:24:04,129
- What'd you think, Judas?
- I think
638
00:24:04,129 --> 00:24:07,216
I didn't like to have to pay for
tickets to my friend's one-man show.
639
00:24:07,216 --> 00:24:10,636
Well, I'm sorry I didn't get
comps. What am I, a money lender?
640
00:24:10,636 --> 00:24:12,346
So, what'd you think of the show?
641
00:24:12,346 --> 00:24:14,723
Eh... Not for me.
642
00:24:14,723 --> 00:24:17,518
- Well, Jesus loved it.
- JUDAS: Please.
643
00:24:17,518 --> 00:24:19,353
Jesus loves everything.
The guy can't stop saying,
644
00:24:19,353 --> 00:24:21,730
"Oh, I love this." He's
just looking for followers.
645
00:24:21,730 --> 00:24:24,149
[LAUGHS] Look at Jesus
over there. Look at him.
646
00:24:24,149 --> 00:24:25,943
Absolutely woofing down
647
00:24:25,943 --> 00:24:27,319
that bacon cheeseburger.
648
00:24:27,319 --> 00:24:29,863
- PETER: Oh, it looks so good.
- JUDAS: Bacon cheeseburger?
649
00:24:29,863 --> 00:24:31,573
Hold on, that's not kosher.
650
00:24:31,573 --> 00:24:33,826
Wait, none of the food here is kosher.
651
00:24:33,826 --> 00:24:35,744
PETER: Oh please, let him sin.
652
00:24:35,744 --> 00:24:38,539
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold the fuckin' phones.
653
00:24:38,539 --> 00:24:41,583
Wait a minute, I just ate a bacon-wrapped
scallop and baby back ribs.
654
00:24:41,583 --> 00:24:44,169
You mean to tell me none
of this shit is kosher?
655
00:24:44,169 --> 00:24:46,171
You know what, I'm fuckin' livid!
656
00:24:46,171 --> 00:24:49,091
As a Jew, I'm livid!
657
00:24:49,091 --> 00:24:50,634
You know what? I'm gonna plotz!
658
00:24:50,634 --> 00:24:52,344
I can understand why you're pissed
659
00:24:52,344 --> 00:24:54,471
because something is going
on with this Jesus guy.
660
00:24:54,471 --> 00:24:56,974
He's trying to phase out his Judaism.
661
00:24:57,683 --> 00:24:59,226
- Really?
- Yeah!
662
00:24:59,226 --> 00:25:00,727
LUKE: Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'.
663
00:25:00,727 --> 00:25:02,688
Yeah, I bet he's gonna
grow back his foreskin, too.
664
00:25:02,688 --> 00:25:04,898
What? You can grow back your foreskin?
665
00:25:04,898 --> 00:25:06,733
Fuck yeah, you can do
that. My cousin did that.
666
00:25:06,733 --> 00:25:08,444
He put a clothespin on
the tip of that shit.
667
00:25:08,444 --> 00:25:09,862
Oh, that's impossible.
668
00:25:09,862 --> 00:25:11,780
No, you gotta tie a
string onto the thing,
669
00:25:11,780 --> 00:25:13,907
and then... and then, you
got a weight down there,
670
00:25:13,907 --> 00:25:15,617
and the weight is gonna
pull the string off,
671
00:25:15,617 --> 00:25:17,202
and you have to sleep standing up.
672
00:25:17,202 --> 00:25:19,121
- Uh-huh.
- Not for me, baby. Not for me.
673
00:25:19,121 --> 00:25:21,582
- Oh, really? Not for you?
- Nope.
674
00:25:21,582 --> 00:25:24,209
- LUKE: Lotta detail for an innocent man.
- JUDAS: Wait, he's going to the bathroom.
675
00:25:24,209 --> 00:25:25,294
Do I do a foreskin check?
676
00:25:25,294 --> 00:25:28,464
- Should I go and get cockfirmation?
- Yeah. Oh yeah.
677
00:25:28,464 --> 00:25:30,382
- Go in there and peep that pecker.
- PETER: And find out
678
00:25:30,382 --> 00:25:33,677
- how he avoids peeing on the weight.
- Yeah.
679
00:25:33,677 --> 00:25:35,888
- Yeah, I've heard that it happens...
- Oh, you've heard that?
680
00:25:35,888 --> 00:25:38,682
- No, I've read it in some scrolls! Yes!
- JUDAS: Oh, you've read it in some scrolls?
681
00:25:38,682 --> 00:25:40,309
- Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
- [DOOR OPENS]
682
00:25:41,268 --> 00:25:43,979
[SIGHS] There he is! JC!
683
00:25:43,979 --> 00:25:46,106
Judas, hey. Hey, I could swear to my dad
684
00:25:46,106 --> 00:25:47,608
- I locked that door.
- Oh, yeah?
685
00:25:47,608 --> 00:25:49,860
So, what'd you think
of Peter's one-man show?
686
00:25:49,860 --> 00:25:51,320
- [URINATING]
- Yeah, I liked it, yeah.
687
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,113
I mean, what's not to like?
I got free tickets, right?
688
00:25:53,113 --> 00:25:55,199
- Free ticket? Free.
- Yeah.
689
00:25:55,199 --> 00:25:56,909
Comped.
690
00:25:56,909 --> 00:25:58,327
[OVER-ENUNCIATED]: Comped.
691
00:25:58,327 --> 00:25:59,703
What does "comped" stand for?
692
00:25:59,703 --> 00:26:01,246
- Complimentary.
- Complimentary!
693
00:26:01,914 --> 00:26:04,750
I wish I could be more complimentary
of Peter's one-man show.
694
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:07,544
- [LAUGHS]
- Judas. Judge not, lest you be judged.
695
00:26:08,962 --> 00:26:10,631
Not bad. You just come up with that?
696
00:26:10,631 --> 00:26:11,965
Eh... Thanks.
697
00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:16,053
[CASUAL PENSIVE MUSIC]
698
00:26:16,053 --> 00:26:19,431
[URINATING] [SIGHS]
699
00:26:19,431 --> 00:26:22,226
Whoa! Hey! Hot piss! Judas,
you're pissing on my feet!
700
00:26:22,226 --> 00:26:24,937
- What? No! What? No!
- Yes! Yes!
701
00:26:24,937 --> 00:26:27,106
- I was just checking!
- Checking what?
702
00:26:27,106 --> 00:26:28,607
Just to get cockfirmation!
703
00:26:28,607 --> 00:26:30,818
Judas, you pissed on my feet!
704
00:26:30,818 --> 00:26:32,820
I gotta go back to the party.
705
00:26:32,820 --> 00:26:34,404
No, you don't... What... You...
706
00:26:34,404 --> 00:26:35,572
- Judas.
- Ah, ah, ah!
707
00:26:35,572 --> 00:26:36,865
I know you hear me.
708
00:26:36,865 --> 00:26:38,158
[INHALES, BLOWS]
709
00:26:38,158 --> 00:26:39,368
Oh, you just gonna let the blower...
710
00:26:39,368 --> 00:26:40,826
He's gonna blow your
hands for 30 seconds.
711
00:26:40,827 --> 00:26:41,827
You're just not gonna look at me?
712
00:26:41,828 --> 00:26:43,455
I know you hear me! I am in your head!
713
00:26:43,455 --> 00:26:46,041
Sorry, I only have big
pieces of silver. Ah.
714
00:26:46,041 --> 00:26:47,501
- JESUS: Judas!
- PETER: Okay, so,
715
00:26:47,501 --> 00:26:49,253
what did you think of my accents?
716
00:26:49,253 --> 00:26:51,421
You didn't take me anywhere. You
gotta take someone somewhere...
717
00:26:51,421 --> 00:26:53,048
Gotta go, gotta go,
gotta go, gotta go...
718
00:26:53,048 --> 00:26:54,716
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck
you mean we gotta go?
719
00:26:54,716 --> 00:26:56,844
Judas! What the fuck?
720
00:26:56,844 --> 00:26:58,220
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
721
00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:01,306
- You peed on my son's feet?
- [CROWD GASPS]
722
00:27:01,306 --> 00:27:03,559
Mother Mary, may I explain?
723
00:27:03,559 --> 00:27:04,601
No, you may not!
724
00:27:04,601 --> 00:27:06,562
I did not not have sex
725
00:27:06,562 --> 00:27:09,148
and give birth in a dirty-ass manger
726
00:27:09,148 --> 00:27:12,943
for you to urinate on the Son of God!
727
00:27:12,943 --> 00:27:15,028
She thinks her son's God? The
mother's definitely Jewish.
728
00:27:15,028 --> 00:27:17,239
[FORCED LAUGH] Okay!
729
00:27:17,239 --> 00:27:19,992
I want you to get on your knees
730
00:27:19,992 --> 00:27:21,535
and wash his feet.
731
00:27:21,535 --> 00:27:24,204
- Ooh.
- I don't know.
732
00:27:24,204 --> 00:27:26,707
[LAUGHS] You raggedy bitch.
733
00:27:26,707 --> 00:27:29,251
You want me to wash the
pee-pee off of his feet?
734
00:27:29,251 --> 00:27:30,836
- Yes.
- That's what you would like?
735
00:27:30,836 --> 00:27:32,796
I just wanna confirm, so
we're on the same page here.
736
00:27:32,796 --> 00:27:35,257
- Yes!
- Luke, what do you think?
737
00:27:35,257 --> 00:27:37,634
[QUIETLY]: If someone pissed
on my fuckin ' sandals,
738
00:27:37,634 --> 00:27:38,927
they wipin' that shit off.
739
00:27:38,927 --> 00:27:40,471
JUDAS: Okay, well, that's a betrayal.
740
00:27:40,471 --> 00:27:43,098
I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers,
741
00:27:43,098 --> 00:27:45,392
and you're worried about a
little pee-pee on his feet?
742
00:27:45,392 --> 00:27:48,103
You're really... You're
gonna make me do this?
743
00:27:48,103 --> 00:27:51,482
MAN: Do it already!
Enough with the talking!
744
00:27:51,482 --> 00:27:54,943
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
745
00:27:54,943 --> 00:27:56,445
It's just feet, they're gross.
746
00:27:56,445 --> 00:27:58,113
Do you guys like...
Anybody here like feet?
747
00:27:58,113 --> 00:28:01,074
Whatever the opposite of a
foot fetish is what I have!
748
00:28:01,074 --> 00:28:02,409
Hey, Jesus...
749
00:28:02,409 --> 00:28:05,537
- I've sinned... I'm a sinner...
- JESUS: Mm-hmm.
750
00:28:05,537 --> 00:28:07,039
I'm repenting...
751
00:28:07,039 --> 00:28:09,500
I don't wanna wash your feet...
752
00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,543
- [GENTLE CRY]
- Rise, my son.
753
00:28:11,543 --> 00:28:12,836
- What?
- I forgive you.
754
00:28:12,836 --> 00:28:15,714
- MARY: Uh-uh!
- It's okay, Mama. It's okay.
755
00:28:15,714 --> 00:28:17,341
Take back your dirty fuckin' rag.
756
00:28:17,341 --> 00:28:19,885
This is my guy!
757
00:28:19,885 --> 00:28:21,470
Jesus!
758
00:28:21,470 --> 00:28:24,890
This guy, he's not even a guy!
This guy's a God! Come here!
759
00:28:24,890 --> 00:28:27,976
- [LOUD KISS, LAUGH]
- ROMAN: The kiss is a signal!
760
00:28:27,976 --> 00:28:30,020
- That's Jesus! Get him!
- JUDAS: What?
761
00:28:30,020 --> 00:28:31,063
JESUS: Wait, what? No!
762
00:28:31,063 --> 00:28:33,315
- You betrayed me? Mom! Mom!
- No!
763
00:28:33,315 --> 00:28:34,942
- Oh!
- JESUS: Tell my story!
764
00:28:34,942 --> 00:28:38,112
Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray!
765
00:28:38,112 --> 00:28:40,072
- [CROWD BOOING]
- No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss!
766
00:28:40,072 --> 00:28:43,158
No! This was a thank you
kiss, not a betrayal kiss!
767
00:28:43,158 --> 00:28:44,368
Luke! Luke!
768
00:28:44,368 --> 00:28:46,161
You're in trouble!
769
00:28:46,161 --> 00:28:47,704
No! Look at all these feet!
770
00:28:47,704 --> 00:28:51,041
- [CURB THEME SONG PLAYING]
- Judas Iscariot, forever unclean!
771
00:28:51,041 --> 00:28:52,584
This is too much! [CROWD YELLING]
772
00:28:53,502 --> 00:28:56,505
[CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
THEME CONTINUES PLAYING]
773
00:30:06,533 --> 00:30:08,619
- Who is this?
- It's your mama.
774
00:30:08,619 --> 00:30:11,038
If you are my mother,
what is your last name?
775
00:30:11,622 --> 00:30:13,791
- WATSON: Bell.
- It's my mother. That confirms it.
776
00:30:13,791 --> 00:30:16,627
NARRATOR: Tomorrow night,
the landmark event continues.
777
00:30:16,627 --> 00:30:18,796
What are we gonna do about Lenin?
778
00:30:18,796 --> 00:30:21,965
I serve sandwiches to Vladimir
Lenin and all of his comrades.
779
00:30:21,965 --> 00:30:24,468
I am losing my damn mind.
780
00:30:24,468 --> 00:30:26,720
- Jesus Christ!
- [CLUCKS]
781
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,015
- I've done a really interesting drawing.
- Don't they look like penises?
782
00:30:30,015 --> 00:30:32,684
- Whoa, someone wants to sleep with their father.
- What?
783
00:30:32,685 --> 00:30:37,685
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
56016
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Cambodian
Catalan
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Filipino
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Interlingua
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Scots Gaelic
Serbo-Croatian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Tatar
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof
