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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,240 Such a waste of a good life. 2 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,640 Aye. Tony was a...tragedy. 3 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:13,080 Look, why am I here? I'm just a workin' pleb noo. 4 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,400 Tomorrow is Tony's funeral service. 5 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,840 Bereavement celebration service. 6 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,440 And the Eager Beavers are taking care of all the costs and arrangements. 7 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,640 Why? 8 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:28,080 Because he gave his life trying to clean up this city. 9 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,920 You make it sound like he died a hero. 10 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,360 He was an arsehole who fell doon some stairs! 11 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,680 We can't all be popular like you. 12 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,320 And so his wife doesn't sue us. 13 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,400 I want you to make all the arrangements. 14 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:42,880 And in return... 15 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,400 ..I'll give you your team leader position back. 16 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,920 With a 1% pay rise. 17 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,520 How dare you? 18 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,920 - 2%. - Where's my vest and radio? 19 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,160 Questions? 20 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,640 What is a bereavement celebration service? 21 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,800 Karaoke, backing dancers? 22 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:07,880 What kind of... 23 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,480 Stars In Their Eyes theme. Crazy. 24 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,520 I'm just sorry I won't be there to pay my respects. 25 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:14,880 You're no goin'? 26 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,920 I already had a personal day booked off. 27 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,040 - Oh. - Spa day. 28 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:23,160 I'm going for some deforestation. 29 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,680 Unless you think I should save the rainforest? 30 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,320 The r... 31 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,400 The...the rainforest? 32 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:34,120 The rainforest is always wet. 33 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,240 - Jock. - What? 34 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,480 I'd like to introduce you to Francesca. 35 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,640 Fran... Oh, Francesca. How you doin'? 36 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,240 Tony's widow. 37 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:53,040 I'm...very sorry for your loss. 38 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:59,240 I must admit, I've never been to a bereavement celebration service. 39 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,240 Tony loved music. 40 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,240 Every funeral director I contacted laughed when I said I wanted this. 41 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,640 Not us, though. 42 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,880 No. That's why I told my lawyer. 43 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,440 You give Tony the tribute he deserves. 44 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,560 Now, if you'll excuse me, 45 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,200 I think I need a wee drink to settle my nerves. 46 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,280 Of course. 47 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,720 A free drink. 48 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,640 Did you arrange the singer? 49 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,040 Aye, Kaitlin's boyfriend and his singin' partner. 50 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,800 Oh. 51 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,040 You get a good deal? 52 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,160 No. 53 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,000 Oh, there they are now. 54 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,680 Alright, Matt? Good to see you again. 55 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,360 Yeah, you too, John. 56 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,480 It's Jock. 57 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,800 Is this, uh, the performance area? 58 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:04,240 Ohhh, yeahhh! 59 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,560 Do you hear that? 60 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:06,840 Yeah. 61 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,160 The acoustics are...not great. 62 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,680 For karaoke? 63 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:17,600 Karaoke is for amateurs. We are tribute performers. 64 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,560 Look, Matt, honestly, it's fine. 65 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:23,720 Look, don't you worry about it, my big, luscious llama. 66 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,480 We've got everything under control. 67 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:29,840 I'm gonna need a glass of iced water and a slice of lemon, for my larynx. 68 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:34,000 Kaitlin, maybe you should take them to the dressing rooms, eh? 69 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,320 Well, look, follow me. 70 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,040 Catch you later, Jim. 71 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,880 - It's John. - Jock. 72 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,160 - Jesus. - No, Jock. 73 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,320 No, I mean... 74 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,400 If she sues us... 75 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,920 Gonnae gie us a pint, Legend? 76 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,640 You alright? 77 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,480 That traffic cone Matt works wi' always has her nose up at me. 78 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:59,000 - Just cos you're better lookin'. - Oh, you're sweet, Legend. 79 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,080 Legend, I'll have a pint. 80 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,480 What? 81 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,840 What are you wearin'? 82 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,200 It's my uncle's suit. 83 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,120 Is he still in there, aye? You could fit a family of four in there. 84 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,520 - You no got your ain suit? - Of course I have. 85 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,680 But this is a magic suit. 86 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,160 Your uncle the magician? 87 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,000 The great Randolphy. 88 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,400 The guy on the telly? 89 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:23,880 No, the one fae Easterhouse. 90 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,200 But this...this is a fanny magnet. 91 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,880 That explains why it's stuck on you. 92 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,440 Very funny 93 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:32,920 Where's Jessica? 94 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,760 Are you pullin' out a' the stops, aye? 95 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,440 Well, she's worth it. 96 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,520 First time I saw her, I felt somethin'. 97 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,440 It's called an erection, Boab. 98 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:42,880 That's 3.20 for the pint. 99 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,560 One, two. 100 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,480 Two fifty. 101 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,560 Jesus Christ, no got anythin' bigger back there apart fae your arse? 102 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:54,320 I deserved that one. 103 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,720 The tribute performers want someone to set up the sound system. 104 00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,240 I'll dae it. 105 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:02,400 You better magic up another 50, David Plain. 106 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:04,760 Can I get yous anything? 107 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,520 No, but allow me to get you...this. 108 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,600 What's this for? 109 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:11,920 Well, Jessica, 110 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,880 I like my women how I like my pints. 111 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,240 That can't be right. 112 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:19,240 Otherwise you'd be paying £150 a pint...shagger. 113 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,720 Look, I know what you think of me, 114 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,680 but I also know it's no true. 115 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,320 And in time, I'll prove it. 116 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:29,360 Mm. A man with patience. That's rare. 117 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,640 Unfortunately, that is true. 118 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:35,560 Look, men should just realise that good things come to those who wait. 119 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,880 Well, let me take your order, for I am a waiter. 120 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,080 God, waiter? 121 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,720 The only thing you're servin' up is a platter of shite. 122 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,240 You know, twice he's asked a lassie her name during sex. 123 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,280 What is the matter wae you? 124 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,560 It's for the greater good. 125 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,120 Last thing we need is you spreadin' your genital warts. 126 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,640 It wisnae warts! 127 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,560 It was a rash, no warts. 128 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,680 And you've blueballed me for the last time. 129 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,760 And I will have my vengeance. 130 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,720 - I seen you run away! - No, you never. 131 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,880 Good morning, good morning. 132 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:10,960 Afternoon. 133 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,120 G'noon, g'noon then. 134 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,000 What time does this shindig kick aff at? 135 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,720 It's no a shindig, Craw. 136 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:23,120 What...the hell are you wearing? 137 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,040 Jaikit, troosers, £12 oot the charity shop. 138 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,760 Crawford, you look like a blinking carrot. 139 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,160 Pardon? 140 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,640 Do you no think it's a wee bit...inappropriate? 141 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,480 What, cos of the tie? 142 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,680 They had a black one, it was £8. This grey one was only two quid. 143 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,680 - Grey? - Who's gonna really bother, anyhow? 144 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,360 That's a fair point, Craw. 145 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,560 I'm gonna get a pint. 146 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,800 If you see Tony's missus, tell her I want a word. 147 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,400 So, not only is he deaf as a post... 148 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,320 ..but he's colourblind as well. 149 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,960 Pint, please, Legend. 150 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,720 Why d'you look so depressed? 151 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,280 You do know this isnae a six year old's birthday party. 152 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:18,400 Bereavement celebration service. Key word, celebration. So cheer up. 153 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,440 I think she's referrin' to your suit. 154 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,160 You look like a Chuckle Brother. 155 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,960 To me, to you. 156 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,000 Your shoes, they're... Why? 157 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,680 The guy in the charity shop says they bring out my personality. 158 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:39,200 Now where's Tony's missus? 159 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,720 I need to get that locker key aff her. 160 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,120 Locker? Tony's work locker? 161 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,240 Aye, I might need to gie her a bit of patter. 162 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,400 Woo her, you know? 163 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,160 Oh, woo her? You? 164 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,160 Ho, in ma heyday, I could charm the pants aff a nun, 165 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,920 wae a smile and a packet of raspberry ruffles. 166 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,760 Will you stop fidgeting? 167 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,320 You. Little Miss Beaver. 168 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,200 The barmaid just took a call about the canopies, and... 169 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,120 Who is that? 170 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,760 Oh, that's Crawford. 171 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,400 Why is he wearing that? 172 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,560 Eh...Elton John. 173 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,400 Elton John? 174 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,000 Aye, Elton John. 175 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,920 Elton. Eltzy. EJ, EJ. 176 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,400 You know, who Tony and Craw loved. 177 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,520 EJ this, EJ that. 178 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,120 EJ? 179 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,240 God, that's so cringe. So Tony. 180 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,120 So, you were saying? 181 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,800 Yes, the barmaid took a call, 182 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,120 and apparently the canopies are not coming. 183 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,480 None of them are coming. 184 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,760 - Back o' the... - Sh-sh-sh. 185 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,920 Do we really need the canopies? 186 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,560 Oh, I'm sorry. Can you guarantee it's not going to rain? 187 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,320 Are you in fact Carol Kirkwood fallen on very hard times? 188 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,560 Yes, we need the canopies. 189 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,080 No canopies, no service. 190 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,160 I've got one. 191 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,040 You've got one? 192 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,760 I've got two actually, in the house. 193 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,440 Just alang the road. 194 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,440 I'll...I'll take you. 195 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,960 Oh, no, no! 196 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,080 To be honest, I could really do with getting out of here for a moment. 197 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,800 After you, Francesca. 198 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,120 Oh, thank you. 199 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,160 EJ? 200 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,400 Well, it worked. She believed me. 201 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:26,040 Er, aye, but now he's on his own with her. 202 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,200 Oh! Oh! 203 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,320 Oh my God! 204 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,320 What are we doing here? 205 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,360 It's a favour, sexy. 206 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,720 Well, this is a freak show of a favour. 207 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,400 You're the freakiest little minx I ever met. 208 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:44,720 Look, what were you doing, 209 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,040 being all over that cleanin' pleb in front of me? 210 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,600 Oh, babe, I have to do that for her. 211 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,680 Look, our time will come. I promise. 212 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,200 My sexy little freak girl. 213 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,200 Well, look, I might be a freak in the sheets, 214 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,160 but I am a lady in the streets. 215 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:05,200 Oh, forget the sheets, my sexy little...bear fish muffin! 216 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:07,480 Bear fish? 217 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,080 Cos you know how to smack my salmon out the stream. 218 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,440 Oh God, yes! Oh yes! 219 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,440 Boab, give me that black wire out the box, would you? 220 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:27,560 Thanks. 221 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,400 Legend, the stockroom, I was just... 222 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,640 I know. They're terrible people. 223 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,520 If that lassie's tan got any mair orange, 224 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,240 she'd need permission aff the council to walk past a chapel. 225 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,400 And that guy. 226 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,160 Why's wee Kaitlin with that dipstick? 227 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,240 Oh, he's definitely a dipsticker. 228 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,360 What? 229 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,240 Legend, I need your advice. 230 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,160 Ah-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. 231 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,760 I'm no behind the bar. 232 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,600 Aye, well, you're still a barman. 233 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,800 A priest does not take confessional unless he's in the booth. 234 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,200 Legend, please. 235 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,800 Alright, alright. 236 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,200 What is it? 237 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,560 What if you knew something bad about somebody 238 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,960 and some other body, who you care about, 239 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,760 should know that bad something about that somebody, 240 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,560 but you cannae tell that other somebody 241 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,840 because they'll think you made that something up 242 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,440 to get back at them for something else? 243 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,520 Well, see when I lived in Manchester? 244 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:24,280 I once tried to pay my bar tab with Scottish money. 245 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,280 And the two lassies behind the bar argued wi' me 246 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,400 that that was not legal tender. 247 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:31,480 So I said to them, 248 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,440 "Well, why don't you go back to my place 249 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:37,440 "and we'll do some things that are possibly not legal 250 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,160 "but are definitely tender?" 251 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,400 And you know what? 252 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,720 We did. 253 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,280 That's got nothin' to do with what I'm talkin' about. 254 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,000 But I don't know what you're talkin' about. 255 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,080 But mine was a fuckin' good story. 256 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:56,800 'I love your suit.' 257 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,560 It's a lovely gesture. Tribute, really. 258 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,440 Uh-huh. So, Tony's locker key... 259 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,600 Do you know, Tony hated funerals. 260 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,400 He always thought they were so morbid. 261 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,520 That's why I wanted this to be a celebration. 262 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:11,520 I couldn't agree with you more. Black tie events should be outlawed. 263 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,040 So, Crawford, I... I hear you like EJ. 264 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,840 Excuse me? 265 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,480 I hear you love EJ. 266 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:20,960 Well, who doesn't? 267 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,840 I mean, he's not my personal favourite, 268 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,080 but, em, you are being very kind 269 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,960 so I suppose the least I can do is treat you on the way back. 270 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,960 Oh, well, at my age, I need to take any opportunity. 271 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,520 'All of this is weird for you too, right?' 272 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,760 'A Stars In Their Eyes themed funeral?' 273 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,840 No. No weird at all. 274 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,840 What is Stars In Their Eyes? 275 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,520 Oh, it's an old TV show. 276 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,280 It's a bit like if The X Factor was solely based in Blackpool, 277 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,440 or even Possil. 278 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,440 - Possil? - Blackpool, but without the lights. 279 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,800 Ah. I quite like Blackpool. 280 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,760 I quite like Possil. 281 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,920 To all things that are shit but good. 282 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,560 Speaking of things that are shit. 283 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,080 Hello. 284 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,400 Kaitlin, could I borrow your watch? 285 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,800 Do you think I'm stupid? 286 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,560 Naw. 287 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,080 I think my life would be a whole lot easier if you were. Please. 288 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,520 Right. 289 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,080 It's my one good watch, Boab. 290 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,760 Now, behold. 291 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,040 As you can see, beautiful watch. 292 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,160 As you can see, beautiful handkerchief. 293 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,080 But wait. 294 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:41,600 Oh-ho-ho-ho! 295 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,320 - Very impressive. - Yes. 296 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,600 Aye, right, now gie's it back. 297 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:50,960 Well, I've actually just made it reappear on Matt's wrist. 298 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,000 - If you go to the stockroom... - Let me guess. 299 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,120 I open the door and a bucket of water falls on me? 300 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,160 No, honestly. 301 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,800 This is part of your revenge plot. 302 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,480 Will you just trust me? 303 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,960 Last lassie you said that to needed a morning after pill. 304 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,520 That was different. 305 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,680 Jessica, can you gie us a minute, please? 306 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,280 Look, there's something I need to tell you. 307 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,360 Boab, what is it? 308 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:14,960 Matt's cheating on you. 309 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,080 I seen them gettin' it on in the stockroom. 310 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,040 Are you gonna slap me? 311 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,600 No. 312 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,680 They slaps were for a mate. 313 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,320 Mates don't lie like that. 314 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,880 Kaitlin. Kaitlin, I wisnae lyin'. 315 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,160 Kaitlin? 316 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,360 Can I have the rest of your pint? 317 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,880 What's that? 318 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,360 The costumes for the dancers. Are you sure these are gonna fit? 319 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,600 I don't know. I've never met... 320 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,000 Kaitlin! 321 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,240 Do you know these dancers? 322 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,760 No, they're Zoey's friends. 323 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,040 Will they fit? 324 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:52,440 Look, Zoey told Matt the sizes. Matt told me, I told you. 325 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,720 Fine. Can you gie them to Matt? 326 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,000 This bloody idiot dragged me all the way to his house 327 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,120 and offered me... 328 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,400 ..that. 329 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,880 - Oh... - Craw! 330 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,120 Canopy. 331 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,160 Canopies. 332 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,200 - For the rain. - Oh. 333 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,080 And then on the way back, he asked me for a... 334 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,120 ..BJ. 335 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,240 I never. She... You offered me! 336 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:24,360 No, I offered you EJ. EJ, as in Elton bloody John! 337 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,400 Aye, Craw. 338 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,840 Elton John, who you and Tony love. 339 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,480 I thought you meant BJ, as in blow... 340 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,400 Billy Joel! 341 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,480 Billy Joel? 342 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,360 Mm-hm. 343 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,880 Oh, Billy Joel, that guy that sang that song, that... 344 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,320 That's the one. 345 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,880 Right, Craw, why don't you go and get yourself a pint, eh? 346 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,120 And for the love of God, book in to get your ears syringed. 347 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,600 Sorry about the mix up. 348 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,440 What about Tony's locker key? 349 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,720 Not the time. 350 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,960 Matt, the dancers' costumes have arrived. 351 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,680 Oh, hey! 352 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,200 Uh... 353 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,800 Uh, perfect. 354 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,040 Just put it down there, please. Thanks. 355 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,240 Aye. What are you doin'? 356 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,920 Uh, just some vocal warm ups. 357 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,840 Listen, Matt, I need to talk to you about something. 358 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,240 I know I'm probably being... 359 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,640 Sw...sweetheart. 360 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,080 Could I please trouble you for a glass of water 361 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,800 with some...lemon in it, please? 362 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,440 It's...it's the dust in here. It's, uh... 363 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,120 Yeah, aye. Sure. 364 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,760 Matt, why are your trousers on the floor here? 365 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,480 Uh, well, they're... 366 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,200 Uh, because I was doing some stretches 367 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,920 and some...extensions. 368 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,000 And your lucky pants? 369 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,920 Well, the pants... 370 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,560 Where's the tangerine? 371 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,960 Tangerine? 372 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,600 Nae canopies could be a good thing. 373 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,440 What do you mean? 374 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,080 Well, people paying their respects outside, 375 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,440 it's no even a nice day. 376 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,880 Which is why we need the canopies. 377 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:22,240 The point I'm making is keep Tony inside with us, with the celebration, 378 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,840 and once people pay their respects, the party can start. 379 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,440 Jock can make a speech. 380 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,040 Once everyone's arrived, and we can set up chairs inside, 381 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,520 people can pay their respects. 382 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:36,240 And when the celebrations begin, the drinks are flowing, 383 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,360 everyone can have fun. 384 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,800 You'll make a speech? 385 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,320 Do you have something prepared? 386 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,280 Speech? I... 387 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:49,040 But when it comes from the heart, you don't need a script. 388 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,120 Right, Jock? 389 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,000 You know, Tony was very lucky to have you as a friend, Jock. 390 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,680 Speech? I... I cannae. 391 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,280 I can't... I don't... 392 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,000 I didn't even like Tony! 393 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,400 I didn't even like the guy. 394 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,920 Don't speak ill of the dead. 395 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,880 Right, that's your sound system workin'. 396 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,440 Eh, you're gonna need a soundcheck, but the Legend does not sing. 397 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,800 Why does it always get tangled? 398 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,160 Double whisky, eh, Jessica. 399 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,160 Oh, I know how you feel. 400 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,600 All mornin' I've been goin' over what I needed to do today. 401 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:35,920 Carefully plannin'. 402 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,400 Thinkin'. 403 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,760 And one simple mishearin' of a word... 404 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,600 ..goes and ruins it all. 405 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,680 I'm scared to ask, but what are you talking about? 406 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,240 - Tony's locker key. - What's so special about his locker? 407 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,480 His is at head height and mine is at the bottom. 408 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,440 Do you have a bad back or something? 409 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,840 No, but every time I go into it, I get... 410 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,160 ..canoochied. 411 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,080 What's canoochie? 412 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,400 Canoochie! 413 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,280 Agh! McShane, ya bass! 414 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,280 Canoochie! 415 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,720 Canoochie, Crawford! 416 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,480 Oh, shut up, Crawford! 417 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,120 The beaver poked your arse? 418 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,560 Hey! The beaver? That's my auntie. 419 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,800 Sorry, did Jessica's auntie, the beaver, poke your arse? 420 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,320 The beaver's your auntie? 421 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,920 Her name is Sharon, 422 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,320 and boss or no boss, I don't like people talking shit about her. 423 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,840 Testing, testing. One, two, three. 424 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:52,080 # It's been a long time, honey 425 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,600 # It's been a long time, it's true # 426 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,240 That is a beautiful song. 427 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,960 Aye. 428 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,000 Listenin' to her up there singing' makes me think to myself... 429 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,360 # Love with you # 430 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,000 ..I'd pump her. 431 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,080 Boab. 432 00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,000 I'm being ironic, man. She's horrible. 433 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,120 Eh, Boab. 434 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,760 You're misunderstanding me here, 435 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,520 I'd rather staple my baws to the table. 436 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,000 For fuck's sake. 437 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,320 What? What? 438 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,760 That's her auntie. 439 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,120 The one she's livin' wae. 440 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,520 Oh...fuck. 441 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,960 Matthew! 442 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,280 Stage performance is off. 443 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,720 Oh my God. 444 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:37,760 Whit? 445 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,720 It...it's off? What's happened? 446 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,880 People are going to start arriving in 15 minutes. Why is it off? 447 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,320 Jessica, calm down. 448 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:53,400 Oh! 449 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,920 When, in the entire, full, rich history 450 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,520 of lack of calm mitigation techniques has telling someone to calm down 451 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,680 ever actually led them to calming down?! 452 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,040 - One time I did. - People are arriving. 453 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,960 Why don't you make sure they get to their seat 454 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,840 and...and we'll take care of this? 455 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,320 Hey, did anybody see the size of that boy's tadger? 456 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,240 See it? Fuckin' winked at me on the way oot. 457 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,440 Kaitlin, are...are you alright? 458 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,920 Guess you were tellin' the truth, eh, Bob? 459 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,040 What truth? 460 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,400 I'm so sorry. I've ruined the whole thing. 461 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,440 Nothing is ruined. 462 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,600 We've no got a singer, so it kinda is. 463 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,520 We still have the dancers. We can make do. 464 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,920 The dancers are Zoey's friends. They're no comin'. 465 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,760 I can sing. 466 00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,880 Legend, can you host? 467 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,320 I can manage that. 468 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,120 I'll be a dancer. 469 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,000 Let's go, people are starting tae arrive. 470 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,640 Boab. 471 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:16,920 Yes? 472 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,400 I had friends that never told me that my boyfriend cheated. 473 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,080 What you did was pretty decent. 474 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,000 Get out of the way, McShane. 475 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,640 Jock, what're you waiting for? 476 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,920 I cannae... I don't know what to say. 477 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,120 Look... Look, start with a joke. 478 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,640 Then say something sweet about how...how you'll always remember him. 479 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,320 Em, then wrap things up by telling... 480 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,920 ..telling everyone to have a drink. 481 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,160 Look, if this fails, we...we all go under. 482 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,320 I need you to be a real leader. 483 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,160 It's your company. How do you no go up and dae it? 484 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,160 Because she hates me, and... 485 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:20,320 ..I'm not the most...personable. 486 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:21,760 Aye, well, that's true. 487 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,480 I'm... 488 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,760 I'm asking for your help here, Jock. 489 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,560 Hello. Um... 490 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:43,400 Thank all for being here. Um... 491 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:44,680 Uh... 492 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:51,600 I'll never forget what I said when...when Tony kicked the bucket. 493 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,240 I said "I bet I could kick it further!" 494 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,200 You know, eh, Tony...Tony was by the book. 495 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,480 And I think we all just wanted to go "Bye, book!" 496 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,400 Tony was very much... 497 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:09,840 ..very, very much a company man, you know? 498 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,360 In it for the company. 499 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,960 You know, let's do it together. 500 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,280 And to be honest, 501 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,080 every time I would hear this, I'd think 'what a lot of shite'. 502 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,160 But I can honestly say, 503 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,200 after everything through this experience, 504 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,960 that I think I've finally learned what was meant by all that. 505 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,160 That makes no sense. 506 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,760 And that is what made Tony no just a good team leader... 507 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:35,760 ..but a good man. 508 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,400 - So, for Tony... - Tony. 509 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:42,800 ..for Tony... 510 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,040 Chop chop. 511 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,320 Dearly bedraggled, we are gathered here today 512 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:59,280 in this church of inebriation 513 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,920 to celebrate the memory of our Tony... 514 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,240 # DANCE 515 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:07,120 ..with one of his favourite things, Stars In Your Eyes. 516 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,400 # I feel alive 517 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:14,560 "Real Love 2002" by The Time Frequency 518 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,360 # One, two, one, two # 519 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:28,520 # Take me higher # 520 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,400 Oh, shut up! 521 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:31,560 # Give me real love 522 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,360 # Give me what I need 523 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,560 # And together we can take it higher 524 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,200 # You make me feel so good when you're near 525 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,840 # Just like I knew you would 526 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,000 # I feel alive # 527 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,400 Argh! 528 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:52,240 # I feel alive 529 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,840 # I feel alive 530 00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,640 # I feel alive 531 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,440 # I feel alive 532 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:05,720 # I feel ali-li-li-li-li-li-live # 533 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,320 Here. 534 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,640 To more things that are shit but good. 535 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,000 # One, two, one, two # 536 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:34,000 subtitling@stv.tv 537 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,240 # I feel alive 538 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,760 # I feel alive # 37874

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