Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:09,600
Jeff dunham, i'm talking to you my man.
This is your night and this is your time.
2
00:00:09,700 --> 00:00:12,400
You're gonna put the smackdown on that crowd like 50 cent.
3
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,500
You're gonna get it crunk like usher.
4
00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:17,800
Like the ushers?
5
00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:20,000
Oh man, i gotta think white, think white...
6
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:23,500
- You mean: going to do well like toby keith.
- Huh?
7
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,300
- I think i get it.
- You're my man jeff.
8
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,400
Thanks sweet daddy.
9
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,000
Group hug?
10
00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:32,100
What???
11
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,800
Uh...ok jeff.
You can put me down now...
12
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,700
We got a show to do.
13
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:39,800
They're waiting for ya.
14
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,400
Ah...shit
15
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,600
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome jeff dunham.
16
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,000
Thank you!
17
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,400
Thank you so much!
18
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:02,800
Alright!
19
00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:05,900
Thank you
20
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:10,500
You are assuming way to much,
ladies and gentlemen
21
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:15,600
But thanks for coming out tonight.
I am happy to be in orange county.
22
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,800
I'm happy to be in santa ana.
23
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:22,500
My mother-In-Law had a dance studio.
She had this dance studio for 30 years.
24
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,400
She owned it and she ran it.
25
00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:29,100
A few months ago, she was 4 days away
from closing the sail on the dance studio
26
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:33,400
She was gonna take the money, retire,
be independent and live out the rest of her life.
27
00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:39,000
Then, the hurricanes came...
guess where my mother-In-Laws dance studio was?!
28
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,400
West palm beach,
florida.
29
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,000
Guess who's living with me
and my family now in los angeles??!!
30
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:49,400
I'll say it again: i am happy to be in santa ana.
31
00:01:58,100 --> 00:02:00,700
Where is chris rock,
when you need the man?
32
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,700
In one house, it's me,
my wife, three little girls
33
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,400
..3 female dogs, 2 female rats
, 1 female fish
34
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:10,300
Now my mother-In-Law and
as a bonus, my sister-In-Law.
35
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,300
I am growing a uterus as we speak.
36
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,100
The only other male in the household,
is my golden retriever: bill.
37
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,200
And they had him neutered.
38
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:25,800
Oh, it's very sad. I came home
after being gone for about 5 days
39
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:28,300
I walked in the front door.
Bill is lying on the coach.
40
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,400
He looks up like:
"dude...
41
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,000
You're not going to believe
what they did to me...
42
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:36,400
"Run!"
43
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,000
Who is this?
44
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,900
Ladies, meet me in the green room!!
45
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:47,600
Well, our daughters are now 8, 10
and god forbid, 14 years of age.
46
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,500
Thanks for your sympathy.
47
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,000
My wife and i recognize that we are
living on the verge of hell.
48
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,500
Because from what i understand,
when woman live in the same house,
49
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,800
Apparently, god has a sense of humor.
50
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,700
Because eventually their biological time clocks synchronize
51
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,400
So i know when all my daughters get to be that age,
52
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:11,300
I'll be sitting on the phone with my agent
every 3 and a half weeks going:
53
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,800
"You gotta get me the hell out of here!!"
54
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,800
My office door will be locked and all i hear is:
55
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,400
"Daddy...
56
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:27,900
Let us in..."
57
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,900
Bill will be sitting next to me:
"don't open the door!"
58
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:46,000
Well, i know that some of you know
what's going on this evening.
59
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,000
I have little people in boxes and ahh...
60
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,800
I gotta tell ya,
the way security is at the airports nowadays
61
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:54,400
When you try and check in
with a small person in your luggage...
62
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:56,500
They stop ya.
63
00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:00,800
Most airports nowadays have the sophisticated
equipment for checking your luggage
64
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:04,400
They are like big mris,
they can check the contents, the materials...
65
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:08,700
But some of the smaller airports, don't.
We all know burbank airport,
just north of here a few miles.
66
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:13,100
Don't have all the sophisticated stuff,
they still have to handcheck a lot of luggage.
67
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:18,300
I was in line, about 3 1/2 weeks ago,
early one morning, very crowded
68
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,400
And most people, when you get your
luggage handchecked, it's no big deal
69
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,200
They might pull out your underwear, like uhw..
70
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,700
But for me, they're pulling out dolls.
71
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,200
I told him not to
do that joke.
72
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,700
And i figured out the way they decide,
who's luggage they're gonna handcheck
73
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,500
It is a complete judgement call
on these guys parts.
74
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:41,700
They look at you and they decide and
apparently i look like a terrorist with a trunk.
75
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:46,500
Because as:"sir, i gotta take a look at that trunk".
I'm like: "uh crap, here we go!"
76
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,600
So he takes the big trunk and
he puts it on the top of the silver table
77
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:54,000
He opens it up and the first thing he pulls out
is one of my little guys: peanut.
78
00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:57,700
You'll see him in a little while,
you know my little peanut.
79
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,500
But he pulls peanut out and he's like: "he."
And people in line are like: "hey!"
80
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,000
And i'm like "ohh..."
81
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,300
Now, they have these swabs and
they swab whatever it is they're looking at
82
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,700
They then take the piece of material,
they put it in the analyzer
83
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,900
It then checks to see if your stuff has come
into contact with anything dangerous.
84
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,700
Chemicals or whatever.
85
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,600
So the guy has peanut in one hand,
swab in the other
86
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:24,500
This is all true, it's too stupid to make up.
87
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:28,900
He could have swabbed peanut
on the head, on the foot...
88
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,500
No, in front of god and everybody,
he swabs his butt, just like that.
89
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,200
I know it's only a puppet...
but i work with the guy.
90
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:45,300
There's a relationship here!
91
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:49,500
And i'm sitting there watching this and
the first thing i find myself thinking is:
92
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,600
You sick bastard!
93
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:54,800
What the hell...?!
94
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,300
Why are you wiping my friends butt?
95
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,600
He then takes the swab,
puts it in the machine, shuts the door
96
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:04,000
I think we're finished.
We start to put things away....
97
00:06:04,101 --> 00:06:05,001
Suddenly the little machine goes:
98
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,800
Three more guys come out,
they have me up against the wall.
99
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,300
They're checking my id,
they're doing a background check on the internet.
100
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,600
They're going through all my stuff,
takes 15 minutes.
101
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,900
Now we're finished
everything is fine.
102
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,400
Then we start to put things back
and then i start to think...
103
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,300
What the hell...
104
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:24,600
Was on peanuts butt...
105
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,300
That labelled me the potential terrorist?
106
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,700
This is all true and i asked the guy
and he goes:
107
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,700
Well, it's all in code on the computer.
Let's see.
108
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:46,300
He goes: "eh, that would be militairy grade
plastic explosives". And i go: "hehehe.."
109
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:48,700
"What???"
110
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,500
And he goes: "well, sometimes the machine confuses lotion for that..."
111
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:57,400
And i went: "haha!
No, there is no lotion on the puppets ass!"
112
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:07,200
I've been building bombs in my garage.
113
00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,900
You caught me skippy!
114
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,800
Thanks for
straightening me out!
115
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,900
I don't ever want to go
through the burbank airport again.
116
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:20,700
There was only a small number of
these guys doing all the checking
117
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,400
I know the next time i'll go through,
they'll all be standing in a group
and one of them will point and go:
118
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,000
"There he is! There's the gay puppet bomber!"
119
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,600
"There's lotion on his puppets ass"
120
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,200
You two girls are twins right?
121
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,500
Ladies and gentlemen, i have a few guys
to introduce to you tonight
122
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,100
The first guy i met years ago
when i was still in college
123
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,100
And he's a vietnam war veteran
124
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,100
And he was a welder at the time.
125
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,100
He'd been married for many, many years
126
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,300
And he was just tired of being in the house
and wanted to get out
127
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,100
He saw what i did on weekends
128
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,300
He thought it would be fun just to
get up in front of people and just talk
129
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:58,900
Give his point of views
on all kinds of subjects.
130
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,400
So we tried it a few times,
i thought he was great
131
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:05,000
We've been a team ever since.
Please help me welcome my old friend: walter
132
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,500
Shut the hell up!
133
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,700
- Walter, you're happy to be here?
- Oh, overjoyed!
134
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,400
Last week, i was lying on a beach in mali
and i couldn't decide
135
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:41,500
Should i stay in hawai or go to friggin santa ana?
136
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,000
My god, i can die happy now!
137
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,700
- Fine city
- I don't give a damn
138
00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:57,500
- What's wrong with you?
- I don't know
139
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:02,100
It's hot as hell outside,
my skin is a drie and itchy,
140
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,400
You put me in a sweater
141
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,500
Sure as hell, not gonna ask you for lotion.
142
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:22,400
- You know you don't have to do this
- Yeah, i can get a real job
143
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,600
- What would you do?
- I wanna be a greeter at wal-Mart
144
00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:40,000
What the hell is so funny?!
145
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,300
At wal-Mart,
what would be your opening line?
146
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:47,900
Welcome to wal-Mart,
get your shit and get out!
147
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,600
Have a nice day.
148
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,400
- Anything else wrong?
- I don't know
149
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:07,000
My wife and i couldn't find any place to park
anywhere near this stinkin joint
150
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:11,500
And some jerk pulled up in a brand new mercedes,
goes right in the handicap spot.
151
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,700
He gets out of the car and
there's nothing wrong with him.
152
00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:15,101
Don't you hate that?
153
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:18,400
So i ran his ass over.
154
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,300
I made an honest man out of him.
155
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:34,000
And his mother got out the other side,
started swinging her crutches at me.
156
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,300
Took her out with the door.
157
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,800
- Don't you feel kinda bad?
- Oh hell, ain't carpool
158
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,800
- Do you think the police didn't see ya?
- I ain't afraid of the cops around santa ana
159
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,300
- You seen some of these guys?
- What?
160
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,400
Cops on bicycles.
161
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,600
- What's wrong with that?
- How intimidating is this:
162
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,200
"Sorry buddy, pull it over"
163
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:10,200
What do they do when they arrest somebody?
"Alright, in the basket"
164
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,800
Yes ladies...
i wrote that joke.
165
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:20,000
Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops.
They got playing cards in their spokes.
166
00:11:20,501 --> 00:11:22,001
"Halt!"
167
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,400
- So your wife's in town?
- Oh, yeah!
168
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,000
- She's having a good time?
- She always has a good time
169
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,300
Pisses me off
170
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,500
- She's a lovely lady!
- She's gettin old
171
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,700
Well, women age like fine wine
172
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:49,300
She's aging like milk
173
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,700
- Did you guys get into another argument this morning?
- Yeah
174
00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:57,900
- What happened?
- I don't know
175
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,900
She rolled out of bed,
jumped on her minstrel cycle
176
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,000
And ran my ass over.
177
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,600
Never heard it put quite that way before
178
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,000
Oh it even has a sound.
It goes:
179
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:18,600
180
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:29,700
- How long have you been married?
- Uh, what is it now? 46 years
181
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,800
What was the happiest moment of your life?
182
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,800
47 years ago
183
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,600
- How long have you been married?
- 15 years
184
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:41,700
You'll see
185
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,700
- I'll see what?
- Remember when you said:
186
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,700
- "Till death do us part"?
- Yeah
187
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,800
Later, you'll realize
you're actually setting a goal.
188
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,800
- Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
- It's like drinking a slurpy
189
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:04,900
First couple of sips are like:
"boy, this is really good. I'm glad i did this"
190
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,500
Then you keep drinking it,
goes right to your head and you go..
191
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:14,900
"What the hell was i thinking?!"
192
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,400
"Someone kill me please!"
193
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,300
But eventually it stops hurting
194
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,100
Yeah, but then you're stupid enough
to take another friggin sip.
195
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:26,800
- Ain't the same anymore is it?
- What?
196
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:29,600
Being married all these years.
You can't look at other women now.
197
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:32,200
You can't talk to them,
you can't do nothing.
198
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,800
- What are you talking about?
- I'll show you what i'm talking about...
199
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:38,000
See this lovely young lady
sitting right here in the front row
200
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,700
This gorgeous young thing?
201
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,500
- Do you see her?
- Yeah...
202
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,200
Oh well...
203
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,700
Only thing you can do now
is run to the end of your chain and bark.
204
00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:07,300
Getting married is kind of
like buying a new car
205
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,900
You know when you see that car in the
showroom floor just before you take it home...
206
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,100
- Yeah..
- That is as good as it's ever gonna look
207
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:19,900
Pretty soon, it will have dents and scratches.
Parts start to go bad.
208
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,500
Then the new models comes out
and then you're like:...
209
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:34,300
"Honey, can i just sit in it?"
No, remember?
210
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,100
- Walter, how's the love life?
- You mean sex?
211
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,200
- Yes
- I'm married, you morron!
212
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,700
- I'm too old too
- You're not too old
213
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,400
- How would you know?
- Well, i don't know, but i do know
214
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,300
I had grandparents who well into their eighties,
where still having fun.
215
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,200
Their eighties?
Good god...
216
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,400
What the hell kinda sex is that?
217
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:03,500
- "Was it good for you?"
- "I can't remember"
218
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:12,100
- "We just finished!"
- "Who are you?"
219
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,400
Are you trying to tell me there's nothing
sexually going on between you and your wife?
220
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,200
It's very difficult.
She gripes about everything.
221
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,700
Like what?
222
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,300
She said i don't make
the right noises during sex
223
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,200
- Sorry to hear that
- Wanna hear what i do?
224
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,300
No
225
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:32,300
- Alright, you talked me into it.
- Wait a minute...
226
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,100
Now be careful,
these are gonna be kind of pornographic
227
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:39,800
"Get off"
228
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,300
"I can't see the weather channel!"
229
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,800
"Get the hell off!"
230
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:59,000
Oh, now that's funny!
Wait, no it's not.
231
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:05,500
I know you know better than i do, but i mean
is there any kind of foreplay for you guys?
232
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,300
Foreplay?
At our age?
233
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,600
Yeah, it's come down to:
"hey, wake up!"
234
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,200
- You know what oral sex for us is?
- What?
235
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:19,700
She screams: "screw you!"
And i yell: "bite me!"
236
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,500
Come on walter, at your age,
how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?
237
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,200
Brise.
238
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,500
I don't know. My wife and i heard
that coffee's good for your sex life
239
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,000
Coffee?
Is it?
240
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:45,500
No, it kept me awake
through the whole damn thing.
241
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,900
I actually had to participate!
242
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,500
Doctor said it's bad for my heart too.
243
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,600
- Oh, the caffeine?
- No, seeing my wife naked
244
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,800
- That's awful!
- Oh, you seen her too?
245
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,700
So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
246
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,000
I don't know, but they're never gonna
let us go back into that starbucks again!
247
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,600
Well, we used the filter!
248
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,400
You know walter -Despite how you act-, i bet when
you were younger you were quite a ladiesman
249
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,900
I used to chase skirts all over the world.
250
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,900
- Really?
- Till i got to scotland...
251
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,000
And boy, was i surprised!
252
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,000
- So you had women everywhere?
- I even dated a girl in india
253
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:39,200
- Really?
- Lovely young lady. Weird ass country.
254
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,200
- What's wrong with india?
- I don't now
255
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:44,200
Most of the women got a red dot
in the middle of their forehead.
256
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,800
What the hell is that?
"You are here"
257
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,500
Maybe it lights up
when the coffee is ready?
258
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,000
Sorry
259
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:06,400
- "Scratch it off, you friggin win something!!"
- Will you stop?!
260
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,000
How about this: "hey looks like
she's videotaping me all the time!"
261
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:39,800
As everybody was coming in tonight, they were
given an opportunity or two to ask you a question
262
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:43,600
So before the show started, i grabbed a small handful.
I think you should answer them.
263
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,200
I don't give a damn
264
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:49,600
You pall here in the blue shirt, in the front row...
you filled one out?
265
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,900
Hello!
266
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,700
Did you fill one out?
267
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:01,500
Where are you going?!
Sit the hell down!
268
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,000
You bastard, this is tv!
269
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,500
What the hell?
270
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,000
Think he's gonna take a piss?
271
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:33,000
These are expensive tickets, extensive set-Up,
lot of production
272
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:37,500
Divide it all up, if he's gone for 3 minutes,
he's taking a 600 dollar piss!
273
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:43,400
Dumbass.
274
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000
Is he coming back?
275
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,400
Ok
276
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:57,400
We'll wait.
277
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,900
- What's that guys first name?
- Mike!
278
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,800
Mike.
Dumbass.
279
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:50,000
- Are there speakers up in the bathroom?
- Yes
280
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:51,300
Oh mike!!
281
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,900
Whe are waiting for you, mike!!
282
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,600
Kinda of tough to go
with all this pressure isn't it, mike?!
283
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,600
Mike!
284
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,700
Get out!!
285
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:16,100
Mike's taking a long time...
286
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,000
Could be having trouble...
287
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,800
What does mike do for a living?
288
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:24,400
Transportations
289
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,100
He does transportation?
290
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:30,500
What the hell does that mean?
291
00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:33,500
Medical transportation
292
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,400
Medical transportation?!
293
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,300
What the fuck is that?!
294
00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:57,300
Welcome back, dumbass!
295
00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:02,600
Mike, could you hear us in there?
296
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:04,400
Mike!
297
00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:08,200
Somebody pull his string.
He's not talking.
298
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,200
Mike, could you hear us in there?
299
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,100
I could't hear it.
300
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:22,400
Well, we could hear you.
301
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,800
And you didn't wash your hands!
302
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,100
I don't give a damn
303
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:37,300
Back to you, asswhole.
304
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:47,100
I'm sorry, just kiddin around.
What is your first name, here in the blue shirt?
305
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,300
Nick.
306
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,000
Nick, what do you do for a living?
307
00:22:51,100 --> 00:22:54,400
- I work in construction
- What kind of construction?
308
00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:57,400
- I work with a general contractor
- With a general contractor
309
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,100
You're not the general contractor?
You work with one.
310
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:04,600
- So what is your title, nick?
- I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling.
311
00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,500
Framing and drywalling...
312
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,200
Got anything for that, dumbass?
313
00:23:15,900 --> 00:23:20,900
You know nick, we got jokes for doctors
and lawyers and even trash collectors.
314
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,500
But the framing and drywalling guy...
315
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,000
Not in our arsenal of snatty come-Backs!
316
00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:42,500
Now we're not gonna bother
going home and writing any
317
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,600
Cos hey...
what are the fucking odds now ?
318
00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:48,500
I'm sorry
319
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,600
- It was nick right?
- Yeah
320
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:56,300
Nick and mike.
Mike and nick.
321
00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:58,600
Dumbasses.
322
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,400
- Would you be nice to the crowd?
- I don't give a damn
323
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,200
- Some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't
- I don't give a damn
324
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:18,100
- Where is valerie...? What is it?
- What is it... ramney... ramsey...
325
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,200
- Valerie, where are ya?
- Right there
326
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:25,300
"Dear walter, how do you take
off ten years to look younger?"
327
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,900
Oh, me? That would be thompson's waterseal.
328
00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:41,900
This is from milton: "dear walter,
my wife sits at home all day and won't work."
329
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,300
"How can i get her to get a job?"
330
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,800
Well milton, you're going to have to die.
331
00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:57,500
That'll teach the bitch!
332
00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:05,900
- Where is nick manos?
- Right here!
333
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,000
Nick!
334
00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:14,100
Nick says: "dear walter,
you're looking a little frustrated."
335
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,600
"When is the last time you got laid?"
336
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,400
Oh crap, i recognize him.
That's our gay stalker!
337
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,500
I need medical transportation!
338
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:44,600
This is from steven: "dear walter,
could you please recommend a good proctologist?"
339
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,700
Tony whittier.
Oh, tony from whittier, california.
340
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,200
- Pay attention, idiot
- I'm sorry
341
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,900
"Dear walter, time and time again
i have filled out this sheet, 6 times."
342
00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:11,700
"You never answer my question. What gives?"
343
00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:13,900
- Let's skip that one
- Ok
344
00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:26,500
This is from chris,
it's a girl chris
345
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,400
"Dear..."
you read this
346
00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:35,100
"Dear walter, after 9 1/2 years my boyfriend
still hasn't 'popped' the question"
347
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,900
That says 'poop' the question!!
348
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,800
Chris, you need to learn to spell i think
349
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,900
How the hell do you 'poop' the question?
350
00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:53,800
I guess you should
listen from the other end...
351
00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:04,800
"Dear walter, why don't chicken
breasts have nipples?"
352
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,200
What?!
353
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,600
I guess cos if they got too cold,
they'd poke a whole in the package.
354
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:32,800
New from the colonel:
"chicken and tits"
355
00:27:37,100 --> 00:27:40,200
"Dear walter, what is one of jeffs
deepest darkest secrets?"
356
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,800
He has a sex blow up doll
357
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,800
- No i don't
- Yes you do
358
00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:46,300
- No
- Yes and the sick part is...
359
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,900
He makes her talk...
360
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:56,400
- And boy, does she lie!
- Will you stop it!
361
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,700
"Dear walter, what was your
favorite toy as a child?"
362
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,000
Dirt
363
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,700
And we were happy
364
00:28:07,900 --> 00:28:13,100
Kids nowadays, they have too much.
They got the internet, videogames, computer crap.
365
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,600
Hell they're even passing out condoms
in highschools, did you know that?
366
00:28:16,700 --> 00:28:18,600
- Yeah
- Good god
367
00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:22,700
When i was that age, we had to
walk 5 miles to get a condom
368
00:28:24,100 --> 00:28:26,000
Up hill.
369
00:28:26,100 --> 00:28:28,000
In the snow.
370
00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:31,000
- With a boner!
- Oh stop it!
371
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,500
I threw this one away, cos
i thought it was kinda over the line
372
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,900
But i think we crossed that
a couple of times
373
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:47,900
- You read it
- Why?
374
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,800
- I just can't. You read it.
- Ok, i don't care
375
00:28:51,100 --> 00:28:54,700
"Dear walter, why is it that i
gag when i brush my tongue,
376
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:58,100
But not when i give my boyfriend oral sex?"
377
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,600
Well obviously, your toothbrush is bigger
378
00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:10,300
That's walter! There we go! Alright!
379
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,400
Thank you!
380
00:29:24,700 --> 00:29:26,600
Thank you so much
381
00:29:26,700 --> 00:29:28,700
And now ladies and gentlemen...
382
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,600
Folks, every once in a while, a fear in showbusiness
383
00:29:35,701 --> 00:29:37,501
You feel the need to reinvent yourself.
Redo things.
384
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,400
Make the creative juices keep flowing
385
00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:43,000
I felt not long ago,
it was time for me to do that
386
00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:45,700
So i fired my current manager
and hired a new one.
387
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,500
He's actually here this evening and before i go
any further, he wanted to come out and say a few words
388
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,800
We are getting to know eachother,
he's getting to know my audiences.
389
00:29:51,900 --> 00:29:56,000
I think you're really going to enjoy him,
because he's a smart guy. I really respect him.
390
00:29:56,100 --> 00:29:59,600
Please help me welcome
my new manager sweet daddy d.
391
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,500
Well, it's about time.
These folks were waiting to see me...
392
00:30:19,700 --> 00:30:24,200
- How are you doing sweet daddy?
- Oh no, it's not sweet daddy, it's sweet daddy d.
393
00:30:30,700 --> 00:30:33,100
Well, i'm happy to call
you my new manager
394
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,100
I'm what you call a player
in a management profession.
395
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,200
Right.
396
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:37,800
P.I.M.P.
397
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,500
- You're a pimp?
- That makes you the hoe!
398
00:30:48,300 --> 00:30:50,200
- I'm not a whore
- What do you do for a living?
399
00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:51,900
- Make people laugh
- Make them feel good?
400
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,900
- Right
- You're the hoe
401
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,200
- That's not right
- Why do you do what you do?
402
00:30:57,300 --> 00:31:00,500
Why? Because i enjoy it and it's
the best way i know to make money
403
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:02,600
You're the hoe!
404
00:31:02,700 --> 00:31:05,500
Wait a minute, what if i said
i only do it because of the money?
405
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:09,600
You're the dumb hoe.
406
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,400
So what ideas do
you have for my career?
407
00:31:15,500 --> 00:31:17,800
The first thing i gotta
do is school you in street
408
00:31:17,900 --> 00:31:19,100
- Street?
- Word
409
00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,300
- What?
- Word
410
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,200
What word?
411
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:27,800
What?
412
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:31,700
- You said: "word".
- Word
413
00:31:32,300 --> 00:31:34,700
- What word?
- Oh snap, what the hell?
414
00:31:36,100 --> 00:31:38,000
Dog, "word" is like:
"i heard that?"
415
00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:40,100
- Heard what?
- Oh shit
416
00:31:41,100 --> 00:31:43,800
Dog, you are not white.
You're neon white
417
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,000
You're so white,
you make barry manilow look like a brother.
418
00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:53,000
- I like barry manilow.
- Are you gay?
419
00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:54,100
No
420
00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:56,500
I heard about the lotion.
421
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:03,800
- I'm not gay
- You're just white.
422
00:32:03,900 --> 00:32:05,900
- Yeah
- It's all good
423
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:10,000
- Look, do you think this is gonna work between us?
- Let's make an analogy here...
424
00:32:10,100 --> 00:32:11,800
If we were food...
425
00:32:11,900 --> 00:32:16,300
I would be a fine summer wine
that would be divine anytime
426
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:25,200
- What about me?
- Every good wine needs a cracker!
427
00:32:25,700 --> 00:32:27,600
That's funny shit right there!
428
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,000
You gotta laugh at that shit
429
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,600
We got a fine hoochy
momma right here
430
00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:42,700
Hello??!!!
431
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,600
You're looking to go home
with some real wood?
432
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,000
You like it?!
433
00:32:53,100 --> 00:32:56,100
I may be short, but it
ain't my feet holding me up
434
00:33:02,900 --> 00:33:05,900
- Sweet daddy, what are you doing?
- Trying to find me some hoes, dog!
435
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:08,000
Hoes?
436
00:33:08,300 --> 00:33:10,500
Oh you mean women!
Oh i got it!
437
00:33:11,100 --> 00:33:12,300
Word!!!
438
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,900
Don't you ever do that again!!
439
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,300
I don't know what the hell that was, but
you just embarrassed the hell out of everybody
440
00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:24,500
Even the white folks are sitting there going:
"what the fuck was that?"
441
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,400
You know us black folks got a saying
442
00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,600
- Stay black
- Right.
443
00:33:30,700 --> 00:33:32,300
- I got some advice for you
- What?
444
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,100
Stay white
445
00:33:34,700 --> 00:33:38,900
I know a lot of white people
emulate the afro-American culture
446
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:42,700
- To make themselves seem cooler.
- Yeah, us black folks got a word for that...
447
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,800
- What?
- Irritating
448
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:49,200
So i'll say it again and it goes
for most everybody in this room
449
00:33:49,300 --> 00:33:51,800
I'll stay black,
you stay white.
450
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:54,400
As for my mexican
brothers and sisters...
451
00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:58,000
You learn english mothafuckers,
how bout that?
452
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,500
That's funny shit right there!
453
00:34:10,700 --> 00:34:13,600
Oh lord, i'm glad
i'm going home in a suitcase
454
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:17,700
Look sweet daddy, who
are some of your other clients?
455
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:19,900
- I can't tell you that...
- Why?
456
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,200
- I gotta protect their anonymity
- Well...
457
00:34:22,300 --> 00:34:24,100
Give us a hint then.
How bout some initials?
458
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:26,200
O.J.
Oh shit!
459
00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:32,600
- So you have some athletes and former athletes?
- Oh, sure enough
460
00:34:32,700 --> 00:34:34,100
- So you like sports?
- Oh yeah
461
00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:35,900
I like sports,
lets talk about sports
462
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:39,500
What do you think about the
hockey strike we had not long ago?
463
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:41,100
The what...?
464
00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:49,400
- You know, the hockey strike
- Oh yeah
465
00:34:49,500 --> 00:34:52,300
Me and all the brothers were laying
around the hood everyday going:
466
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,400
"Oh lord, what do we do with no hockey?!"
467
00:34:57,700 --> 00:35:00,400
"Thank the lord, we got nascar!"
468
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,200
Nascar, that's another
dumbass crack of sport!
469
00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,500
- Nascar is very popular
- I know that, i just don't get it!
470
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:17,200
Lots of grown, white men going
500 miles, in a circle?!
471
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:20,300
What the hell?!
472
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:25,000
What kind of sleen half (?) Is this:
"look, they're making a left turn"
473
00:35:26,300 --> 00:35:28,500
"Oh, they're making another left turn"
474
00:35:29,300 --> 00:35:31,800
"Oh, they're making another left turn"
475
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:35,400
I wonder what's gonna happen next???
476
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,000
"Let's go to commercial, come back in 10 minutes,
477
00:35:39,100 --> 00:35:41,600
You ain't gonna miss a fuckin thing!"
478
00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,500
He is that the dude that walter was talking to?
479
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:53,300
Right there
480
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:56,200
I was talking to him
outside before the show
481
00:35:56,300 --> 00:35:58,300
He was dissin me
on my threads
482
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,200
- Oh, he didn't like your clothes
- That's right
483
00:36:01,300 --> 00:36:05,600
And he asks: "how come your name is sweet
daddy?" You know what i said to him?
484
00:36:05,700 --> 00:36:07,600
Ask your momma!!
485
00:36:10,300 --> 00:36:14,000
Don't get all up in my grill dog,
you know it ain't just me up here...
486
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:20,300
And if i'm not funny,
it's not my fault
487
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,000
- See dog, i'm kinda like coffee
- Coffee?
488
00:36:24,100 --> 00:36:29,800
Yeah, before you experience my brown goodness...
i gotta go through a big ass white filter.
489
00:36:35,900 --> 00:36:37,900
That's funny shit right there!
490
00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:42,300
- So sweet daddy, do you like the audience here?
- I love your crowd...
491
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,800
But i feel a little bit outnumber...
492
00:36:46,900 --> 00:36:49,900
Is there one other brother
in the house tonight?
493
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,500
Yo dog!
Run!
494
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,100
Start up the car, i need you
out back after the show!
495
00:37:03,500 --> 00:37:06,300
It's like we're at a dwight yokum concert,
or some shit like that
496
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:11,200
Look sweet daddy, before you go...
why did you choose me as a client?
497
00:37:11,300 --> 00:37:12,800
- Because you're safe.
- I'm what?
498
00:37:12,900 --> 00:37:15,500
I gotta lot of clients ending up in jail and in trouble.
I don't see you putting your ass in jail anytime soon.
499
00:37:15,601 --> 00:37:18,501
500
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,200
Unless of course,
they make lotion illegal...
501
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:30,100
- Will you please drop the lotion?
- Ok, but i ain't picking it up anywhere near your ass!
502
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,100
That's sweet daddy d!
503
00:37:40,300 --> 00:37:41,500
Thank you!
504
00:37:41,900 --> 00:37:45,500
And now ladies and gentlemen,
how do we describe this next guy?
505
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,900
Pretty much just white, trash trailer park.
506
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,200
Please help me welcome, bubba j.
507
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,700
- How are you doing bubba j?
- I'm doing pretty good!
508
00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:11,700
- Well, i'm glad you're here
- Yeah, i was fixin' to coming here
509
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,200
And i went out the
front door to come here
510
00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:16,200
And i came here,
and i got here
511
00:38:16,300 --> 00:38:18,200
And here i am!
512
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,800
So bubba j,
what does the j stand for?
513
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,600
My last name is junior.
514
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:34,600
- It's a good thing they didn't name you junior
- Yeah, that'll be dumb: junior junior.
515
00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:38,000
That's my brothers name.
516
00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:41,600
What have you been doing today?
517
00:38:41,700 --> 00:38:45,700
I've been watching nascar
and drinking beer!
518
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:51,500
- That's your favorite sport
- Yeah, nascar is too!
519
00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:57,400
Nascar is very hot right now.
520
00:38:57,500 --> 00:38:59,600
I know, everybody loves nascar!
521
00:38:59,700 --> 00:39:03,300
Well, sweet daddy says it's just
a bunch of guys driving in a circle.
522
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:05,300
I know, that's my favorite part
523
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,600
"They're making a left turn!"
524
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,600
It's a sport that's easy
to follow when you're hammered.
525
00:39:17,100 --> 00:39:21,400
- I understand you got a new tattoo
- Yeah, i got another somewhere else...
526
00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:24,200
That'll grow...
527
00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:29,800
- Did you get it?
- They got it!
528
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:35,500
I'm tired of hearing that most
nascar fans drink too much.
529
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:38,000
- Cos it's not true?
- Oh no, it's true...
530
00:39:38,100 --> 00:39:40,600
I'm just tired of hearing it.
531
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:43,800
Makes me thirsty for another beer
532
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:48,900
- Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track?
- Yeah, but we have boxed wine...
533
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,600
Yeah, it's wine that comes in a box
534
00:39:51,700 --> 00:39:55,900
It's great, cos if you had too much to drink,
then you got something to throw up in.
535
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:01,300
Bubba j, don't you
worry about your health?
536
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:02,800
- Huh?
- Your health...
537
00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:04,700
- Like what?
- Your liver...
538
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:05,900
No
539
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,000
My last abduction
with the aliens took it.
540
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,600
- You think you got abducted by aliens?
- I don't think, i know!!!
541
00:40:16,700 --> 00:40:20,200
They took me and they
stuck something in my butt.
542
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:26,000
And not in the good way...
543
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,600
When you go to a nascar race
and you party a lot,
544
00:40:39,700 --> 00:40:42,200
Who is your designated driver?
545
00:40:42,700 --> 00:40:44,800
What the fuck is that?
546
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:50,000
- Do you drive drunk?
- No officer!!
547
00:40:52,500 --> 00:40:54,300
I'm practising
548
00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:02,200
- Have you ever had an intervention?
- Yeah, and penicillin cleared her right of him
549
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:08,900
Stupid cousin
550
00:41:11,900 --> 00:41:14,400
It was a second cousin!
551
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:17,600
That's a grey area
552
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:22,600
- Do you play any sports yourself?
- Does 'quarters' count?
553
00:41:22,700 --> 00:41:23,800
No
554
00:41:24,700 --> 00:41:28,700
- Do you got a drinking problem?
- No, i pretty much got it figured out
555
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:34,200
- What's your favorite beer?
- An open one
556
00:41:40,300 --> 00:41:44,000
- And how do you know when you had too much?
- I run out
557
00:41:48,100 --> 00:41:50,500
Have you ever been to an
alcoholics anonymous meeting?
558
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:53,100
A.A. Is for quiters
559
00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:02,200
He, mister dunham, i was wondering...
what is it that you do for a living?
560
00:42:02,300 --> 00:42:05,100
- I'm a comedian
- You are?
561
00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:08,900
- You got one of them catch frases?
- Well you know i'm a ventriloquist
562
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:12,200
Oh, you don't eat meat?
563
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,000
What?
564
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,000
- Bubba j, are you married?
- Oh yeah
565
00:42:19,100 --> 00:42:21,000
- Is your wife pretty?
- Yeah...
566
00:42:21,100 --> 00:42:22,200
No
567
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,100
- What's the difference?
- The light.
568
00:42:29,700 --> 00:42:33,000
- Where did you meet your wife?
- At the family reunion.
569
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:38,100
What?!
570
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:43,600
- Where was this family reunion?
- At the state fair.
571
00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:47,200
Why don't you tell us about
the first time you saw your wife?
572
00:42:47,300 --> 00:42:48,500
Alright
573
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,600
There she was...
574
00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:58,400
- More?
- Yeah, more!
575
00:42:58,500 --> 00:43:02,300
- Where was she?
- She was leaning against the ferris wheel..
576
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,000
Making it tilt...
577
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,400
Sunlight, glistening off her curlers...
578
00:43:12,500 --> 00:43:16,800
Corndog in one hand,
a budweiser in the other.
579
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:22,200
My tattoo is growing!!
580
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,400
I went up to her and i said:
"young woman, you look more delicious
581
00:43:35,500 --> 00:43:39,100
Then mayonnaise oozing
out of a spam sandwich."
582
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:43,800
And then she smiled...
583
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:46,500
What a tooth!
584
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:51,400
- So i guess you dated her a little while?
- Yeah, a little bit
585
00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:55,000
- Then you proposed?
- No her daddy did that for me
586
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,700
- How did that happen?
- I was supposed to come and pick her up about 7 o'clock
587
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:01,000
One night, i got there at 7.30h
588
00:44:01,100 --> 00:44:04,500
And her daddy was on the front
porch with his shotgun. He said:
589
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:07,900
"He bubba j, guess who else is late!"
590
00:44:10,700 --> 00:44:14,400
I'm glad you're laughing,
somebody had to explain it to me.
591
00:44:17,300 --> 00:44:19,500
I still don't get it
592
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,500
- So i guess you had the wedding at the church?
- Yeah
593
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:25,200
- Had the reception?
- At wal-Mart
594
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:27,800
- Wal-Mart?
- Yeah
595
00:44:27,900 --> 00:44:30,800
- Why?
- Easier to return the gifts
596
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:35,300
We walked in the front door, some old
conger standing there and he goes:
597
00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:38,900
He, welcome to wal-Mart,
get you shit and get out!
598
00:44:40,300 --> 00:44:43,000
- Say goodnight bubba j.
- Goodnight!
599
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:49,800
I met this next guy many years ago,
also when i was in college.
600
00:44:49,900 --> 00:44:55,500
He is not from the united states.
He's from a small micronesian island in the south-Pacific.
601
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,900
And he hopped a cruise ship,
i actually met him down in florida.
602
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:03,600
We met up, talked a little bit, i thought he was kinda funny.
We went on stage together a few times.
603
00:45:03,700 --> 00:45:08,100
He's been in my act ever since.
Please help me welcome my buddy: peanut.
604
00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:22,400
- How are you doing peanut?
- I'm doing pretty good. How are you?
605
00:45:22,500 --> 00:45:26,000
- I'm fine
- That's good, that's goood, that's gooood!
606
00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:30,500
- Well, looks like a pretty good crowd tonight
- You like it here?
607
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:33,600
Oh, i love coming here to uh, uh, uh....
608
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:35,800
This town right here!!
609
00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:36,400
- Which town?
- This one
610
00:45:36,500 --> 00:45:39,600
- Which is?
- The one we're in right now...
611
00:45:44,100 --> 00:45:46,100
Peanut, where are we?
612
00:45:46,500 --> 00:45:48,300
You don't know??
613
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:51,200
- I don't think you know
- I forgot
614
00:45:51,300 --> 00:45:54,900
- You forgot?
- We go to see so damn many places, i forgot!
615
00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:00,100
- Think about it for a second
- Alright, alright, alright...
616
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:02,500
Damn!!!
617
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:07,400
- The drive from the valley
- Was bad as hell...
618
00:46:07,500 --> 00:46:09,800
- Traffic?
- Sucked like hell...
619
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:12,100
- Drivers?
- Angry as hell...
620
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:14,500
- And you?
- Were scared as hell...
621
00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,800
- Parking here?
- Sucked more like hell...
622
00:46:18,100 --> 00:46:20,100
- So?
- We're in hell!!
623
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,700
And these are our hellmates!
624
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:35,800
Think about it, next time somebody
tells you to go to hell: "come right here!"
625
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:38,600
- Where are we?
- I don't know!
626
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:41,200
Help me out,
help me out!!
627
00:46:42,500 --> 00:46:44,000
Sorry
628
00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:47,600
- I wrote it down for you
- Oh good, you wrote it down!
629
00:46:47,700 --> 00:46:50,100
Ah yes! I love coming to...
630
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:51,100
Sa.
631
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:53,000
Nata a.
632
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:55,000
Na.
633
00:47:02,500 --> 00:47:04,500
What the hell is that?!
634
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,900
Sa nata a na.
635
00:47:10,700 --> 00:47:14,300
What is it a friggin indian reservation?!
What the hell?!
636
00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:17,700
Sa nata a na.
637
00:47:27,500 --> 00:47:31,400
It's santa ana.
"Santa ana".
638
00:47:33,700 --> 00:47:38,200
Look i know i didn't finish school,
but that friggin says: "sa nata a na".
639
00:47:39,900 --> 00:47:41,500
Dumbass
640
00:47:49,900 --> 00:47:52,100
I will never blink
641
00:48:05,300 --> 00:48:08,800
- They pronounce it: "santa ana".
- Well, they're wrong!
642
00:48:09,700 --> 00:48:11,200
Sa nata a na.
643
00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:20,300
- It's santa ana!
- Are you sure?
644
00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:21,900
- Yeah
- Ok!
645
00:48:29,300 --> 00:48:31,200
- You're happy to be here?
- What?
646
00:48:31,300 --> 00:48:34,000
- You're happy to be here?
- Ohh, yes i am...
647
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,400
Just last week, i was lying in bed
and i woke up sobbing.
648
00:48:39,500 --> 00:48:42,600
I will never be happy untill we return to...
649
00:48:42,700 --> 00:48:44,500
Sa nata a na!
650
00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:53,800
And now, we're here!!
651
00:48:54,700 --> 00:48:57,000
Thank you for bringing me!
652
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:00,400
- It's a fine city
- Ok!
653
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:03,200
- And we're in a very nice theater
- Ok!
654
00:49:04,500 --> 00:49:06,300
This town is great
655
00:49:10,300 --> 00:49:12,300
It's a fine city!
656
00:49:14,300 --> 00:49:16,500
Have you looked around?!
657
00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:20,200
Holy crap!
658
00:49:21,700 --> 00:49:23,600
It sucks!
659
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:32,100
- A lot of history in this city.
- Translated: "old as shit".
660
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,600
They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing...
661
00:49:45,700 --> 00:49:48,200
Polish a turd,
it's still a turd
662
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:56,200
- It's a fine city
- Ok!
663
00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:58,800
Sorry!
664
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,400
- But the drive down here did suck
- Yes it did
665
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:07,400
It was in the 4 or 5 then the 5, holy crap!
666
00:50:07,500 --> 00:50:12,000
Thank goodness we turned on the radio
and listened to the traffic report
667
00:50:12,100 --> 00:50:15,200
- How much good did that do us?
- None what so friggin ever!
668
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,700
I hate the traffic reports.
They are a waste of time.
669
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:23,200
Let me do the traffic reports,
i'll save everyone a lot of time and money.
670
00:50:23,300 --> 00:50:26,700
"He peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning,
there's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?"
671
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:29,800
"It's eight o'clock in the morning!
672
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,800
Everyone left the house
at the same damn time
673
00:50:43,200 --> 00:50:45,200
Back to you!
674
00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:49,100
Call me back at 5.30,
i'll tell you the same thing
675
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:52,100
Only guess what?
They are going the other way!
676
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:07,700
You know what else pissed me off today?
Try using my cell phone
677
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:10,000
- Having trouble?
- Just like the stinkin commercials
678
00:51:10,100 --> 00:51:12,600
"Can you hear me know? How bout now?
Or now? Now?"
679
00:51:12,700 --> 00:51:17,000
You know what you don't hear in those commercials?
The other end of the conversation!
680
00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:27,800
What a piece of shit!
681
00:51:28,500 --> 00:51:32,500
You know what cellphone sex is?
"Can you feel me now? How bout now?"
682
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,400
Stop it!
683
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:47,900
This guy is not getting any of this. I've been
watching him the whole time and it's all going...
684
00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:54,500
I'm just kidding buddy.
What's your name?
685
00:51:54,700 --> 00:51:56,700
What is your name?
686
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:59,200
I'm fucking looking right at ya!
687
00:52:02,900 --> 00:52:04,400
- Aren't i?
- I think so
688
00:52:05,500 --> 00:52:07,500
Fix my eyes asswhole
689
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:15,300
It's hard to talk to somebody if
you're not looking right at them.
690
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:19,900
It's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye.
You don't know which eye to focus on.
691
00:52:20,500 --> 00:52:27,000
You're sitting there talking to them thinking:
"oh crap, should i be looking at that eye or that eye?"
692
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,800
Focus you morron!
693
00:52:40,500 --> 00:52:41,600
What?!
694
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:47,300
- What if someone here has a lazy eye?
- I'll confuse them. Here i am. Here!
695
00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:58,400
- You know what pesto is?
- Pesto is the stuff that goes on salades and pizza.
696
00:52:58,500 --> 00:53:01,500
No, pesto. It's a magician with a harelip.
Pesto!
697
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:11,300
- What if somebody here has a harelip?
- Sorry!
698
00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:12,600
Oh stop it!
699
00:53:13,700 --> 00:53:18,100
Boy, what if they had a harelip and a lazy eye. Their really gone be: "fissed off"
700
00:53:24,300 --> 00:53:26,300
Back to you dude
701
00:53:27,300 --> 00:53:29,400
I'm kidding. You right here with
the blond hair and the glasses.
702
00:53:29,500 --> 00:53:31,500
- What is your first name?
- Terry.
703
00:53:31,700 --> 00:53:33,000
Terry!
704
00:53:33,900 --> 00:53:35,900
What do you do for a living, terry?
705
00:53:36,500 --> 00:53:40,000
- I'm a business analyst
- A business analyst
706
00:53:40,500 --> 00:53:42,000
Fascinating
707
00:53:44,100 --> 00:53:47,100
How the hell does that work?
Go to a business and go:
708
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,200
"You are in business"
709
00:54:00,400 --> 00:54:04,000
- So where were we before this?
- Before this, we were in d.C.
710
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:05,900
Ah yes, washington d.C.
711
00:54:06,100 --> 00:54:09,200
Doing a show in a theater.
A lovely theater.
712
00:54:09,300 --> 00:54:11,200
About 5 minutes in the show,
i happen to look down.
713
00:54:11,300 --> 00:54:13,800
Back where you're sitting dude, there was a guy.
Sitting right there where you are,
714
00:54:13,900 --> 00:54:16,400
But he was facing that way.
715
00:54:16,500 --> 00:54:19,500
And everytime i said something,
the guy went:
716
00:54:20,600 --> 00:54:23,100
And i go: "hey buddy, what are you doing?"
And the guy goes:
717
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,900
It was a signer.
A sig ner
718
00:54:27,600 --> 00:54:32,100
Think about this for a second...
they brought a bunch of deaf people to see a ventriloquist!
719
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:41,800
What?!
720
00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:47,100
What's do you do next? Go take on the
blind folks to see david copperfield.
721
00:54:54,300 --> 00:54:56,300
"The elephant disappeared"
722
00:55:02,100 --> 00:55:04,600
"It just fucking disappeared"
723
00:55:06,300 --> 00:55:10,900
Oh my god, he's juggling now!
You should see...oh, sorry!
724
00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:13,000
What the hell were they thinking?
725
00:55:13,100 --> 00:55:18,200
And as the show went on, this guy started to piss me off.
I've never actually seen myself talk before:
726
00:55:18,700 --> 00:55:22,500
So now i thought: ok i'm gonna get even with this guy
and suddenly in the middle of the show, i went:
727
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:27,100
"He, stopsign, thank you, turn around, doing doing,
horseshoe, turtle, ughadigadigadiga."
728
00:55:29,700 --> 00:55:32,700
And this poor bastard
is just signing away
729
00:55:33,100 --> 00:55:35,100
All the deaf folks are like:
730
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:45,500
"What the hell is going on?"
731
00:55:46,500 --> 00:55:48,500
"Our guy sucks"
732
00:55:49,700 --> 00:55:52,300
And then the really screwed thing...
the guy went:
733
00:55:57,600 --> 00:55:59,600
Off course, now he's just sitting there
734
00:56:02,700 --> 00:56:04,700
All deaf folks are like:
735
00:56:11,700 --> 00:56:13,500
"Come on!
736
00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:16,700
What are we missing?!"
737
00:56:18,700 --> 00:56:21,900
Sad part is...
this is all completely true.
738
00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:25,400
We're going to hell, aren't we!?
739
00:56:26,100 --> 00:56:29,100
Hop, here we are!
740
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:43,100
Oh check it out!
Look, look, look, look
741
00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:52,000
- Are you ready?
- Si se�or
742
00:56:52,700 --> 00:56:54,600
There's something the new folks don't know.
Tell them what you are...
743
00:56:54,700 --> 00:56:57,200
I am the jalape�o on the stick
744
00:57:01,200 --> 00:57:03,600
- That our jalape�o...on a stick
- S�.
745
00:57:03,700 --> 00:57:06,000
- Tell them your name
- My name jos�.
746
00:57:06,100 --> 00:57:09,000
- Jos� what?
- Jos� jalape�o.
747
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:11,300
On a stick
748
00:57:12,700 --> 00:57:16,400
- And your mexican?
- No se�or. Mexicans are from mexico
749
00:57:16,500 --> 00:57:18,100
I am cuban
750
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,200
I'm from florida
751
00:57:22,900 --> 00:57:25,600
- I understand you guys had a good day today?
- Yes, we had a great day
752
00:57:25,700 --> 00:57:27,100
- No we did not
- Yes
753
00:57:27,200 --> 00:57:27,700
- No.
- Yes.
754
00:57:27,800 --> 00:57:30,200
No, we did not have a good day
755
00:57:30,700 --> 00:57:32,700
Yes, we gggave...
756
00:57:34,100 --> 00:57:36,100
A great friggin day!
757
00:57:39,800 --> 00:57:40,800
What?!
758
00:57:42,100 --> 00:57:42,800
- Did you have a good day?
- Yeah
759
00:57:42,900 --> 00:57:45,600
- No.
- Shut up.
760
00:57:45,700 --> 00:57:46,100
- A good day?
- Yes
761
00:57:46,200 --> 00:57:48,700
- No.
- Shut up.
762
00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:52,500
- You're supposed to have taking him to the spa
- I took him to the spa
763
00:57:54,100 --> 00:57:56,600
He put me in
the vegetable steamer
764
00:58:03,700 --> 00:58:05,400
It's the same thing!
765
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:07,000
It's not the same thing!
766
00:58:07,100 --> 00:58:10,400
It is too. It gets hot
and it gets steamy and then it goes:
767
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:13,700
Purple bastard!
768
00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:17,300
Mexican condiment
769
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,200
- A condiment?
- I do not use them
770
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:27,000
- You don't?
- Neither did your mother
771
00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:35,100
Oh, that is funny shit right there!
That is funny shit!
772
00:58:41,800 --> 00:58:44,000
Wow! That was really good!
773
00:58:45,400 --> 00:58:46,500
You gotta work on it a little though
774
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:48,000
- Why?
- Cos from here it sounded like
775
00:58:48,100 --> 00:58:51,400
It came out of my ass
776
00:58:53,900 --> 00:58:56,300
Now i have somewhere to put my stick
777
00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:01,800
Oh yeah?!
Well your mother is a corndog!
778
00:59:02,500 --> 00:59:04,100
On a stick!
779
00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:09,700
- Look jos�, are you happy?
- S�, se�or. I am happy
780
00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:11,800
What the hell is "gggappy"?
781
00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:18,000
- Are you always happy?
- I'm not happy on halloween
782
00:59:18,100 --> 00:59:21,600
What the gggell is wrong
with gggalloween?
783
00:59:26,100 --> 00:59:28,700
There are no costumes on a stick
784
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:32,400
You could be a fudgesicle
785
00:59:35,500 --> 00:59:37,000
- Did anything else happen today?
- No!
786
00:59:37,100 --> 00:59:39,300
- Si
- Damn!
787
00:59:40,700 --> 00:59:43,500
- What else happened?
- We were getting out of the car today
788
00:59:43,600 --> 00:59:45,800
He slam my stick in the door
789
00:59:50,500 --> 00:59:52,800
And now i have a sore stick
790
00:59:54,100 --> 00:59:56,100
Peanut did you apologize?
791
00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:00,000
- No.
- Why not?
792
01:00:00,100 --> 01:00:02,600
Cos i couldn't breathe!
793
01:00:03,500 --> 01:00:07,300
- Why couldn't you breathe?
- Because he was laughing too hard
794
01:00:12,600 --> 01:00:16,600
Man, it was funny!
He looked like a hood ornament from taco bell!
795
01:00:18,800 --> 01:00:21,200
- I think you just have to apologize.
- Alright, alright, alright
796
01:00:21,300 --> 01:00:23,200
Jos�, i'm sorry
797
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:24,800
It's ok
798
01:00:24,900 --> 01:00:27,300
I hope you die
799
01:00:27,400 --> 01:00:29,200
Look, you're just gonna
have to be nicer to him
800
01:00:29,201 --> 01:00:30,201
- Como estas usted?
- Muy bien
801
01:00:30,302 --> 01:00:32,702
- Quieres algo de beber
- Pues si, bueno
802
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:34,900
- What are you doing?
- I'm speaking to jos� in his native tongue
803
01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:36,900
- Well, don't do that
- Why not?
804
01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:39,500
Well... it makes me feel...
left out...
805
01:00:48,300 --> 01:00:49,100
What?!
806
01:00:50,700 --> 01:00:52,700
I don't speak spanish
807
01:01:02,600 --> 01:01:04,800
Picture if you will...
808
01:01:05,100 --> 01:01:08,100
Look jos�, you're an unusual kinda guy,
what makes you happiest in life?
809
01:01:08,200 --> 01:01:10,400
- My bmw.
- He has a bmw.
810
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:15,300
Yeah, big mexican woman
811
01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:16,900
On a stick!
812
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:21,800
- Jos�, would you feel better in the box?
- It's most nicer in the box
813
01:01:21,900 --> 01:01:25,500
Wow dude!
I thought you were gonna drop him...
814
01:01:25,800 --> 01:01:28,100
That would have been funny as hell...
815
01:01:29,900 --> 01:01:32,800
- Do not drop me se�or
- I won't drop you, jos�
816
01:01:32,900 --> 01:01:35,900
I would be jos� jalape�o...
on the floor
817
01:01:37,900 --> 01:01:40,100
Do a little tapdance
and we got salsa!
818
01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:49,300
- That's terrible!
- Not with the right kind of chips it's not
819
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:51,600
- I'm sorry jos�.
- It's ok
820
01:01:51,700 --> 01:01:53,700
I kick his ass later
821
01:01:55,500 --> 01:01:58,100
- I'll turn your ass into guacamole.
- Stop it!
822
01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:00,500
I'll stir you with your own stick!
823
01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:04,400
This is the way we stir the guac...
stir the guac...stir the guac...
824
01:02:04,800 --> 01:02:06,000
Ol�!
825
01:02:07,800 --> 01:02:09,700
- I'm sorry jos�.
- It's ok
826
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,600
Don't close the door
827
01:02:11,900 --> 01:02:14,200
- Why not?
- The cockroaches
828
01:02:15,700 --> 01:02:17,400
You have cockroaches in there?
829
01:02:17,500 --> 01:02:19,000
One big one
830
01:02:19,100 --> 01:02:21,100
On a stick!
831
01:02:22,600 --> 01:02:22,900
- Se�or!
- What?
832
01:02:23,000 --> 01:02:26,000
- I need to come back out
- I have to go on with the show jos�.
You stay right there.
833
01:02:26,100 --> 01:02:27,000
- Se�or!
- What?
834
01:02:27,100 --> 01:02:30,200
I need to come back oouut!
835
01:02:30,600 --> 01:02:32,500
You can't come back oouut!
836
01:02:34,300 --> 01:02:35,900
- I wish to see the se�oritas
- What?
837
01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:37,700
- I want to see the girls
- What girls?
838
01:02:37,800 --> 01:02:40,600
- Any girls
- What makes you think they want to see you?
839
01:02:40,700 --> 01:02:42,500
Jos� has the stick
840
01:02:49,200 --> 01:02:51,200
Its getting kind of racey out here, isn't it?
841
01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:54,400
- Jos�, you just stay right there
- I'm going to serenade the se�oritas
842
01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:55,400
- No you can't sing
- I'm going to sing
843
01:02:55,500 --> 01:02:56,500
You can't sing
844
01:03:01,900 --> 01:03:04,100
I am jos� jalape�o
845
01:03:06,100 --> 01:03:07,600
You love jalape�os
846
01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:09,700
You love me, you do
847
01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:13,300
You love jalape�os
i give my stick to you
848
01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:16,500
Thank you jos�.
849
01:03:34,500 --> 01:03:36,500
It's a good trick se�or
850
01:03:37,600 --> 01:03:39,400
- Say goodnight jos�
- Goodnight jos�!
851
01:03:39,501 --> 01:03:41,401
- And that's jos� jalape�o...
- On a stick
852
01:03:48,100 --> 01:03:51,300
That's jos� jalape�o on a stick uuuu
853
01:03:56,800 --> 01:03:59,400
- What are you doing?
- I'm speaking japonese.
854
01:04:00,700 --> 01:04:04,200
- You don't know japonese!
- Yeah i do: toyota.
855
01:04:05,700 --> 01:04:07,000
Godzilla.
856
01:04:07,800 --> 01:04:11,200
- That's not right
- You're right. It'll be: godzilla!
857
01:04:21,100 --> 01:04:22,400
Stop it!
858
01:04:22,500 --> 01:04:25,500
- What is wrong with you?!
- Too much starbucks. Coffee, coffee, coffee!
859
01:04:32,500 --> 01:04:35,900
- You didn't have coffee before the show
- Ok, i admit... it was crack
860
01:04:36,000 --> 01:04:37,500
No.
861
01:04:38,200 --> 01:04:39,300
- You didn't do crack.
- Well then you did
862
01:04:39,400 --> 01:04:40,700
- No.
- Are you sure?
863
01:04:40,800 --> 01:04:43,700
Come on...
it feels like one of us did...
864
01:04:44,800 --> 01:04:46,100
- Did you do crack before the show?
- No.
865
01:04:46,200 --> 01:04:47,200
- During the show?
- No.
866
01:04:47,300 --> 01:04:48,000
- After the show?
- No.
867
01:04:48,100 --> 01:04:48,800
- When?
- Never!
868
01:04:48,900 --> 01:04:50,800
- What?!
- I've never done crack.
869
01:04:50,900 --> 01:04:51,900
- Are you sure?
- Yes
870
01:04:52,000 --> 01:04:53,000
- Are you lying?
- No.
871
01:04:53,100 --> 01:04:54,700
- See how angry you are?
- Yeah
872
01:04:54,800 --> 01:04:57,300
It's the crack!
873
01:04:57,500 --> 01:05:01,500
- There isn't any crack!
- Oh my god, he sold it all!
874
01:05:02,700 --> 01:05:04,900
Will you please explain to everyone,
i don't abuse drugs
875
01:05:05,000 --> 01:05:06,300
Ok.
876
01:05:08,200 --> 01:05:10,000
- Come on, you gotta at least smoke weed?
- No.
877
01:05:10,100 --> 01:05:11,600
- I don't smoke pot.
- Ever?
878
01:05:11,700 --> 01:05:13,200
- No
- Never smoked pot?
879
01:05:13,300 --> 01:05:14,900
- Never done drugs?
- No.
880
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:18,000
Then how the hell
did you come up with me?!
881
01:05:27,200 --> 01:05:29,200
You're a sick man!
882
01:05:29,400 --> 01:05:31,100
- Will you just tell them!
- Ok!
883
01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:33,600
- Jeff does not abuse drugs
- Thank you
884
01:05:33,700 --> 01:05:35,700
He's an alcoholic
885
01:05:36,700 --> 01:05:39,200
That would be funny as hell,
a drunk ventriloquist
886
01:05:40,700 --> 01:05:43,500
"Look, i can talk without moving my lips!"
887
01:05:52,900 --> 01:05:55,000
- You should get drunk and go to a strip joint
- Why?
888
01:05:55,100 --> 01:05:59,400
You would be throwing your voice
in places it should neeever come from
889
01:06:03,200 --> 01:06:05,600
Some girl comes dancing up to the table
and everybody hears:
890
01:06:05,700 --> 01:06:07,900
"Let me out!
891
01:06:12,100 --> 01:06:14,000
It's dark in here!
892
01:06:15,600 --> 01:06:18,200
- No coins please!"
- Oh stop it!
893
01:06:19,000 --> 01:06:20,000
- You don't think that's funny?
- No.
894
01:06:20,100 --> 01:06:22,200
- You're gay.
- No.
895
01:06:22,300 --> 01:06:25,000
Gay, gay, gay!
You are gay!
896
01:06:25,500 --> 01:06:28,700
- I have a wife and 3 kids!
- Oh! Good cover
897
01:06:30,300 --> 01:06:32,700
You know what the gay folks
need that they don't have?
898
01:06:32,800 --> 01:06:35,100
- A superhero.
- A gay superhero?
899
01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:36,700
Gayman!
900
01:06:37,200 --> 01:06:38,700
"Hi!"
901
01:06:40,500 --> 01:06:43,200
"Here i come to save the day!"
902
01:06:43,400 --> 01:06:45,800
"And i look fabulous!"
903
01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:48,900
And when he flies,
his butt whistles...
904
01:07:00,800 --> 01:07:02,800
"Look it's gayman!"
905
01:07:03,500 --> 01:07:06,500
- "Don't turn your back on him!"
- Oh stop it!
906
01:07:07,200 --> 01:07:09,200
Unless you have the lotion...
907
01:07:10,300 --> 01:07:13,600
You guys, you've been a great audience!
Thanks so much for coming tonight!
908
01:07:36,400 --> 01:07:39,500
- So sweet daddy, pretty good show huh?
- Yeah dog, whatever
909
01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:43,400
- Let's count the till now
- Ok, but who are your friends?
910
01:07:43,500 --> 01:07:45,200
My friends...yeah...
911
01:07:45,300 --> 01:07:47,900
This one here is the limo driver...
912
01:07:48,000 --> 01:07:49,900
And the other one is the...
913
01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:52,400
Mechanic. In case the limo
breaks down on the way home.
914
01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:55,500
Yeah, that's it!!
You are so fine
915
01:07:58,900 --> 01:08:00,800
- Count the money dog!
- Alright
916
01:08:00,900 --> 01:08:02,400
- Let me help you out here
- Ok.
917
01:08:02,500 --> 01:08:04,500
One for you,
one for me...
918
01:08:04,600 --> 01:08:09,500
And then one for my lady friend and
then another one for my other lady right here.
919
01:08:09,600 --> 01:08:11,500
- Let's do it again now
- Are you sure?
920
01:08:11,600 --> 01:08:13,100
This is all good,
this is all good!
921
01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:17,200
One for you, one for me,
another for my ladies momma...
922
01:08:17,301 --> 01:08:19,201
That's you at least potentially...
923
01:08:19,800 --> 01:08:22,100
And then two for my other lady
friend right there
924
01:08:22,101 --> 01:08:24,701
Wait a minute, this is supposed
to be coming out of your share
925
01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:26,700
That's what we're doing...
we're all sharing
926
01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:29,700
It's all good, you're gonna be big!
Trust me dog!
927
01:08:29,800 --> 01:08:31,600
One for you,
two for me...
928
01:08:31,700 --> 01:08:34,100
Three for my lady friend...
ah, this is all good!
929
01:08:34,200 --> 01:08:37,400
We're gonna have so much fun!
We are gonna party...
930
01:08:37,500 --> 01:08:40,000
And then i'm gonna take my clothes off...
931
01:08:40,200 --> 01:08:42,200
And then we're gonna do some more...
75597
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.