Original subtitles

# How should I my true love know From the other one?

# By his cockle hat and staff And his sandal shoon... #

If you can dig it, the whole thing was kind of like that machine.

Everything's so confusing. Everything's going round and round.

And you know... and... we have to have caused that.

And then we can't understand it.

'What do you think of the machine?'

'It's marvellous.'

'Do you think it means anything?'

- 'Of course.' - 'Who do you think made it?'

'A genius or a student.'

'It doesn't look much different up close, though.'

'Do you think it's purposeless?'

'No, because you got something happening.

'If anything, it has a purpose to it.'

'I think they're trying to make fun of us.

'Some college kids made this

'and they're trying to say that our society is screwed up.'

I tried to make the chick understand that.

I mean, I really tried to make her understand it.

'What do you think of the machine?'

'l like it.

'I think that it's what this country needs.

'If more time was put into

'things like this that make people happy,

'that make people want to get out on a sunny day like this.

'We wouldn't be in Vietnam,

'I don't think our economy would be as screwed up as it is.

'We probably wouldn't have Spiro Agnew as Vice-President.'

'If they don't like it here, they should get out.

'I think basically it's camp.'

'Pretty soon the whole world will be covered with these things.'

'What was your first impression?'

- 'Dismay.' - 'How do you mean?'

'When I saw that thing, I knew there wasn't no hope for us, no how.'

I only later saw it.

When I was in the army, we were out on manoeuvres and I got killed.

So me and a couple of other dead guys drag ass,

all dripping wet and muddy, into this little field office.

They got a john in there and like a shower, a little shower stall.

So I asked the Sergeant, "Does the shower work?"

He said, "Yeah... but there's a cabinet in it".

So I open up the shower stall door and sure as shit,

there's this filing cabinet in there.

What do you think of the machine?

It's beautiful... but what does it do?

I could never get the chick to appreciate anything like that.

I should have stayed with what I was into.

Playing the guitar is fish. The money is good.

And I became a drag too.

Listening to myself and other people's records.

# I can't stop it. No, no, no

# Babe, I can't stop it. No, no

# I can't stop it. No

# But it's a dream Yeah, yeah #

3 minutes, 22 seconds.

All right. Let's do a play back on that.

Good sound.

Don't worry about it.

- Hey Fox. - Hi Chris.

- Are you in on the session Tuesday? - No, I'm leaving today.

Tired of hearing myself on other people's records.

- Besides, I think I'm going deaf. - What?

All this noise man. It's driving me crazy.

I can't hear you.

My brain. I've lost the ability to think.

I think the sound is destroying my brain.

You what?!

Brain, man. For Christ sake, Fox.

The thing you have inside your head. Brain!

I'm a little deaf in one ear.

What do you attribute that to?

How you set this up is your own business.

But I want this jacket to leap out and smack everybody right in the eyes.

I want to get everybody kind of tight there.

Maybe you can move a little bit.

With this wide-angle lens, I think I can get them all in.

Hey you.

No, man. I'm not a part of this group.

I'm... just here for the session today.

It was weird, but I didn't know I was coming back here.

I mean, I was on the road a couple of hundred miles

before I knew I was coming back.

I guess that's the part of me that was ready for this whole mess.

I guess everybody's looking for... a new thing.

Like the chick.

She's a model. Does... local television, commercials and shit.

What are you getting right here, Howie?

I'd like to know. Right in here is...

- Seven minutes. - Four, five, six. anybody?

Once you've been given a position, keep it please.

One of those glasses. Let's try somebody...

Spray on one these glasses.

I want to see what this looks like from the back light...

- Get make-up in here. - OK. Where's the make-up man?

Pay attention to your own spot.

Can we have some blotters? I'm sweating like a pig.

Oh, Jesus. You do that so well.

Get the... get a break out of the label...

Where are my cigarettes? Can I have a cigarette please?

Try a little easier now with that.

- How do you do that? - Huh? What?

The 'thing'...

- Thing? - The mouth thing.

- How do you do it? - Is something wrong?

Wrong? No, it's beautiful.

- It's the thing. Do it again. - What?

No, that's not it. No. No. It's not it.

You have to be putting me on.

Oh, I... I don't smoke.

Places everyone, please.

- Tell me something. Isn't that cheating? - Cheating?

Yes, making the beer look better than it actually looks.

You're standing there talking to me because of that beer.

I'm standing here talking to you because of that beer.

And everybody that's in this room is in this room because of that beer.

All of our salaries, our very existence, depends on that beer.

And we're all here to make that beer look as good as we can.

OK, come on everyone, quickly. Places please!

That's it.

- What? - Beautiful. The mouth thing.

Oh.

Isn1thatcheafing?

Mr Dorian, you want to take a look at this shot?

- Yes, I would. - Then could I please have my talent?

Unless you're prepared to pay the overtime.

See you later.

Oh, look over here, Georgie. This is very nice.

Come and get on the table. We'll catch it wild later.

Very nice. OK, here's the set up.

So on "action", here's what's going to happen.

We're pulling off of your kiss, right? You're looking into her eyes.

The announcer is going to say, "The beer for the man

"who thinks bold and acts bold."

Pull off the kiss, look at her, tell her something bold.

You want me to talk?

Of course. People generally talk to one another.

You're getting involved with one another.

- What would I say? - Say anything. I don't care.

Places, background people. This isn't sound.

- You won't be heard. - OK...

Just tell her she's a frumpy little chick with all her brains in her ass.

Just keep the mood, all right. Get involved. OK?

We're gonna roll.

OK, let me see the kiss.

You're close. You're tender. Involved. Kissing.

Background people. Happy-

Come on in the background. More beer.

Kissing.

- Rolling. - OK, he's rolling.

We're rolling. Everyone is happy.

Bring the light a little.

Good... Action!

You're a frumpy little chick with all your brains in your ass.

You have a piece of spinach in your teeth.

" Cut!

Perfect.

It's just a matter of timing. I didn't have anything in mind.

Just that my thing and the chicks thing came together at the same time.

# Over shades of evening

# Yesterday my times has past

# Today it's creeping

# They were the wild and woolly years

# The very wild and woolly years

# Where? Tell me where did they go?

# Once I was a young healthy man

# Was nothing I wouldn't do

# I'd challenge all the world if you wanted me to

# Wild and woolly years ago now

# For the gay and happy times

# When my nights seemed so much better

- Son of a bitch. - Dad.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry?! Look what you've done to my suit?

I have a board meeting this afternoon.

Three years, dad. You're still here.

Still here. Still at this table.

Shot and a beer for three years.

- Screw it, Bill. - What?

Screw that goddamned tie. This is my son, Chris.

I haven't seen him for three years.

How are you?

I'll call you tomorrow after I've had a chance to look over these lay-outs.

Business is getting full of faggots.

Chris, you're not turning into a faggot, are you?

You haven't changed a bit.

Charlie, a shot and a beer for my boy here.

What have you been doing lately?

- How's Mum? - Oh, screw your mother.

Your mother is out of her mind.

You know whose name she called out in her sleep the other night?

Fidel Castro.

Chris, why don't you let me send you back to school?

I might as well put my money to some use.

No thanks, Dad. I don't want to hold back my education.

You'd better come down out of those clouds, boy.

Or you're not going to be worth the powder to blow you to hell.

You know, I truly believe that some day the whole world is going to go out.

Like that.

But if it's ever going to be saved, it's the...

...communications people that are going to do it.

I like to... Well, to put it this way.

It's not important to build skyscrapers and highways.

What's really important is building bridges.

Bridges between people.

I'd like to get to know everyone.

You really like that, don't you old man?

Old man? Who you calling old man?

Listen... your old man can still cut the mustard.

Cut the mustard?

You kids think you're wild.

You don't know your old man. Listen, I could...

I could tell stories that could take from now till tomorrow.

Where you going?

- Son of a bitch. - Where's Terri?

She quit. Where the hell have you been?

Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a couple of years, Sam.

Shag off.

- Hey, who's that? - It's my father.

- He can still cut the mustard. - Oh, yeah?

Hey...

I can't sit with the customers unless the customers buy me a drink.

Bloody Mary.

Oh, my God!

Hi Popsy. How's every little thing?

What's happening over there?

That's my father over there. He can still cut the mustard.

So can I, man!

How's every little thing with you?

- Hanging in there. - You can say that again.

Hey, you wanna dance?

Dance? I'm not even sure I can get up from this chair.

Oh, we'll get it up there, Popsy. Won't we?

- Electronic Madonna. - Oh, come on, Dad.

Would the son of Roger Bradley do with a pig like that?

Dial-a-Mama?

- Oh, she's really bad. - Just another pig.

Who is that back there?

Terri Terrific.

Hey, let's go see Terri.

Hey, let's go see Terri.

Come on, Dad. Let's go see Terri.

Hey, why don't we go and see Terri?

# Hear the wind blow

Hello, Terri. Can we borrow a cup of mustard?

- Son of a bitch. - Is that all anybody knows to say in...?

- Who's she calling a bitch? - Got any mustard, Terri?

Who's she calling a bitch?

Hi Terri. What makes you so terrific?

You've been gone so long, I was getting ready to call the police.

Oh, well... I kind of got lost along the way.

- But did you get the groceries? - Yeah, but they spoiled on the way

and the next thing I knew I took the wrong turn.

Soon I was up a dead-end alley. I came back out, took the wrong turn...

You fucker.

Now there is a classic example

of the pot putting the bad mouth on the kettle.

We're talking like a couple of queens.

- Bitch. - Bitch.

Bitch.

You know, she's just a regular screwed up punky broad, man.

But is she beautiful.

Give me that mustard.

- You gonna cut it for us? - Give me a knife.

- That's no knife. - It'll help you cut it.

- Take a deep drag. - What the hell?

You'll get used to it. Hold it in your lungs.

I think commercials tend to break down communications

rather than build them up.

You know, I'm trying awfully hard

to justify the fact that I'm contributing.

If I'm going to interrupt millions of people's evenings

by standing around grinning and eating potato chips...

Try to think of it this way -

so much bad news comes over that tube every night,

that forjust one brief minute, 60 bubbly seconds,

a guy can sit back and relax, and enjoy daydreaming

about a cold glass of bold gold with millions of tiny bubbles.

Swear to God, if we could live that violently, that passionately,

every 60 seconds of every 24 hours...

We'd wear ourselves out.

We'd burn brilliantly like Roman candles.

If everyone lived just one little candle,

we'd all die of carbon monoxide poisoning.

My son's depraved.

This is... this is depravity.

My son is setting a bad example for his father.

Get it. My son is setting a bad example for me.

Are you rich?

I knew it.

It's almost as though I were expecting you.

Like Bradley's Comet.

Appears in the western skies every couple of years.

Like I said, I don't give a damn if you are artificially inseminated.

Or they have robots for mothers.

Or they're made of computers or come out of a test tube.

I don't give a damn if they little bare asses

have "Made in Japan" stamped on them.

This is a déjé vu thing.

Those little babies are going to have mouths.

They're going to have to eat.

Of course, this has happened before.

And in the year 2000, even if they're made of plastic,

those little plastic babies are going to have mouths

and they're going to be eating Bradley's baby food.

But do you realise what it looks like?

What... what looks like?

Baby food. Do you realise what it looks like?

Are you bringing your own theatre parties?!

- Tell me! - Mustard!

- It does look like mustard. - I told you.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, where's yourjohn?

Where is it?

Damn these kittens.

Oh, God help me.

Oh, no more of that.

Michael, what are you doing?

Relax. You're going to enjoy this.

Michael, get off of me right now. Michael!

Michael, I'm getting out of here right now.

Let go.

Oh, come on.

All right. Wait, wait.

No, no!

Look, how do you want it? I'm tired of playing games.

Moonlight and roses. Or sleeping bags in the desert.

Would you take a magical trip to a mountaintop somewhere?

I mean, just say the word, I can arrange it.

I'm afraid of you, Michael. Please let me go.

OK.

Get lost.

Help yourself.

Help yourself!

Help yourself.

Help yourself. Here... help yourself.

You know what your problem is, Terri?

You give people the impression that you're an easy lay.

She shines in her performance.

She has that available look that makes every man think he can have her.

Where's the kid?

Killed him.

He's across the hall with the neighbours.

Wake me up when I can use my bed.

Terri.

Or better yet, just let me sleep it off here.

- Terri! - Oh, now look...

We're not going to talk about anything we haven't talked about before, right?

OK, now. Do you want to screw?

Want to kick my ass?

OK.

You know where the booth is.

If you're not here when I wake up,

see you again in another couple of years.

You spend your whole life running away from your past.

How come you always wind up back here?

Chris. Chris! Wake up.

It's morning.

Chris, how much do I leave her?

- Huh? - How much do I leave her?!

Oh, forget it.

- Let's get out of here. - Yeah.

Come on.

Chrissy, this is your daddy.

And that's your daddy's daddy.

So you're a father, eh?

- I don't know. - What do you mean you don't know?

I think she's lying. I don't think it's my kid.

She could sue you.

No, Terri would never do anything like that.

She could bring... fornication and bastardy proceedings against you.

Oh, it's... it's practically her word against yours.

That sounds obscene.

If a court found that you were the father, which it probably would,

you'd have to go on supporting that child

till it was able to take care of itself.

Oh...

Fornication and bastardy proceedings!

Well, you'd better get her straightened out, Chris.

Here comes my train.

But I want you to call me Friday.

- I'll talk to Mack about it... - No, I don't want you to do that.

Listen, you call me Friday.

OK. I'll call you Friday.

You don't want to come home.

I'll be home.

Bastardy proceedings!

The last thing in the world I wanted right then... happened.

All of sudden... boom! There she was. I couldn't walk away from it.

I'm sorry!

You all right?

Are you all right?

Shit!

Say girl, you know you almost killed me.

I'm sorry! I missed the train.

What's more important? Catching the train or a human life?

My life.

Catching the train.

This one is very good.

This one... you look a little fat.

Fatl?

Oh, this is very bad for you. It's very unflattering.

Everyone has just raved about those photos.

Your friends, right?

They're just lying to you. They're trying to be kind.

- Ah. Who were you late for? - An audition.

An audition for a commercial.

- Television commercial? - Yes.

Television commercial for what?

- Mason's? - Mason's what?

Hm, toilet bowl cleaner.

You're kidding me?

You mean I got laid out because of somebody's toilet bowl cleaner?

I'm not kidding. I would have had the job too.

- Hm. - Ten commercials.

Do you realise how much money that is?

- I have to get there. - That's pretty heavy.

You know, you are never going to make it on TV.

- What? - Your butt's too big.

- What I? - Your ass.

Don't get me wrong, I kind of like it but it's really too big for television.

Come on, myjeep is right out there. I'll give you a ride.

Apologise first.

Do you want a ride?

# And we'll all go together

# To pick wild mountain thyme

# All around the bloomin' heather

# Will ye go #

Well... go ahead. Go help make all the toilet bowls in the world

just that little bit cleaner.

- Shut up! - No.

Is that any way to talk to somebody who's just given you a ride?

Did you really mean what you said about my...?

About your what? Hm?

About your what?

Well, I haven't eaten in 48 hours. I've got to go get something to eat.

- I want an apology. - An apology?

With your figure, your father must be the producer of that commercial.

- My father is Lyle Harris. - And who's that?

The news commentator, Lyle Harris.

Oh, yeah. That big bag of hot air.

I should have realised a daughter of his would be all screwed up.

- He's all screwed up - You can't talk to me like that.

You can't talk about my father like that.

You're gonna be late. You can't talk to me like that.

You just can't pick a girl up off the street

and tell her her father's a bag of hot air and that she has a fat ass.

I want an apology.

Ah, hello.

May I speak to the er... toilet bowl people?

They knew who I meant.

Hello?

Hello, is this... is this the toilet, er...

Is this the toilet bowl person in charge?

Ah, yeah. Well. I'm calling for Miss...

I'm calling for Lyle Harris' daughter, Miss Harris.

I'm calling for Miss Harris.

Yes, I'm her manager and... I hear... I understand that

you've asked her to audition for some commercials.

And er... I'm...

First of all Miss Harris doesn't audition for a job.

You either take her or you don't.

Secondly, I'm not sure I like the association

with toilet bowl cleaners. I'm not sure it's good for her career.

You know what I mean? Her image.

OK, now.

I got you the day off and I got you the job.

Hey, what's an agent get? 10%?

- Who did you talk to? - I don't know. Mr Toilet Bowl Cleaner.

Anyway, he said the only people who would be uptight

with your association with toilet bowl cleaners

would be the beer people.

The beer... You do beer stuff?

Anyway, he said they'd be the only ones to be uptight about it

and that the toilet bowl cleaning gig would be a lot better financially

and that the exposure would be greater.

You're out of your mind.

Look, now can we go get something to eat?

Dressed like this?

- You don't look too bad. - I mean you, dummy.

What do you think they'll find on the moon?

Do you like Italian food?

Chinese food?

Did anybody ever buy anything because of a television commercial?

- Have you ever been to a oat house? - You still got to church!

Are you a virgin?

How many girls have you made it with?

On the roof of a car?!

On a roller coaster!

- You know what I mean? - Oh.

- What's your name? - What's yours?

Where are you from? Where did you go after that?

Then what did you do? Why did you come back?

Have you ever turned on? Have you ever been really stoned?

No, I mean really smashed. Really smashed.

What would you ever want to do a thing like that for?

You know what I mean. Know what I mean?

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Are you engaged or married or anything?

Are you going with anyone?

- I go with God. - What does God look like?

I don't know. It's always easier to explain something after it happens.

It could have been that I got involved with the chick

because I wanted to have an excuse to stick around

and take care of the other situation. I don't know.

It could have been any number of things.

I sure as hell was not looking for any kind of real involvement.

I wasn't looking for another lady. I wasn't looking to get my life

any more screwed up than it was right then. But...

I've been in town over 24 hours and I'm still just arriving.

Just messing around doing nothing.

I don't know where I'm going, what I'm going to do.

I don't even know what I'll be doing an hour from now.

I think it's great to be that way.

There's a mission down the road.

You can get a clean bed and a bowl of soup.

I hope we didn't make a baby.

Oh...

I thought you said it'd be all right.

Oh, I'm sure it is.

I should start on Saturday.

OK.

Better find me sex over the weekend.

I'm going to have to find somebody else.

Oh, I could probably fix you up with something.

- Hmm. - Any specifications?

No...

No, I've decided that I'm going to remain true to you.

Thank you.

But we'd better stock up before Saturday.

- Chris. - Hm?

You'd better go.

You're right. I'd better go.

Chris.

Chris! Close the door.

Chris! Oh, you maniac.

You'd better get away from my door, Mister,

or I'm going to call the cops.

Chris?

Hello, lady. I'm from the fornicators' society.

Somebody could have seen you.

We're conducting a survey on the sexual habits

of young, unmarried females.

You're going to give me a reputation.

So what? What's wrong with a reputation?

Without a reputation, you're nothing.

You know... that's what's wrong with the world.

People don't devote enough time to giving themselves reputations.

I don't think it's so ridiculous for me to want you to leave.

- I didn't say anything. - But you think it's ridiculous.

Well, it's not as though my leaving is going to eliminate the possibility

- of you getting laid, daughter? - Nope.

- Hm, well? - I know all that.

Hm-mm.

I've never done that before. It's...

It's just the one thing that I don't want to do.

I mean we can make love and that's right.

But going to bed...

VVeH,Lynn,uh“.

How would you like it if I slept on the couch?

You'd think I'm crazy but that would be OK.

Oh, you've got be kidding me.

Don't you have any little hang-ups like that?

- Things from your upbringing. - Yeah, I'm afraid of cops.

Hey, don't you have any little bathtub toys?

- Little soapy toys or something? - Now that's a hang-up.

- Or boats? Little toy boats? - No.

Hey, what's wrong with that?

Little toy boats are contributive to the nation's economy.

Important market items.

Hey, you may be called upon some clay to do a television commercial

for... somebody's toy aircraft carriers.

Somebody has to sell little plastic aircraft carriers.

Chris, why do you want me?

All I could come up with was...

You're a hell of beautiful lady.

She was a hell of a beautiful lady but that's not enough to...

I love you.

Well... that's kind of understandable. Isn't it?

Well, I dug her. I mean, there was something.

There was a certain part of Lynn that always got to me.

I could never really understand it.

I... I... I could neverfigure it out. I couldn't tell her.

Chris... what are you going to do?

Mm?

I mean, are we going to be together for a while?

Hm-mm.

I'll have to find an apartment for you.

I still don't have it clear.

I still can't figure out why the whole thing happened.

'Don't you believe in law and order?

'Don't you believe that policeman was doing his job?'

'You just have to pay your doctor bills and everything.'

'Well, don't stand in the way next time.

'And don't stand in my way. I have to move along, sir.

'People are waiting to say important things on this show.

'Good morning. Lay it on the line.'

'Lyle?'

'Yeah, that's who you called. Go ahead. Speak your piece.'

- 'I have a problem here...' - 'You've got a problem.'

- 'Walking down the street...' - 'Everybody has a problem.'

- 'What's yours? Walking?' - 'Let me get into this thing.'

'Go ahead. I'm waiting.'

'I was walking down the street. You got these damn pigeons.

'They're arrogant as hell.

'You walk up the street and they'll stand in front of you...'

'They talk back to you, sir. Is that your problem?'

- 'No, they won't move.' - 'They won't move?

'You mean to say you're the kind of man that can't even frighten a pigeon?'

'Why, I frighten them. If they don't move, I swing my feet.

- 'I give them a healthy kick.' - 'When I walk down the street,

'they move out of the way.'

'Even whenever you're driving down the street,

'they won't even move out of the way and I just...

'sometimes I get so mad, I just drive right for them.'

'Well, you've solved the problem.

'There don't happen to be pedestrians when you drive into them?'

'It'll take a year to kill them all by myself.'

Hi.

They're great! Oh, they're wonderful.

How did you get them so fast?

Hi.

You can't see you.

- You can see me in the other room. - Oh, I see.

- I'm not kidding. - Hm-mm?

No, I'm serious. You see the other side in the other room.

You rat!

Wait a minute, before you vilify me further.

See what I've brought in from the West.

The finest in exotic food, drink.

A veritable treasure trove of palatable perfection.

- Even got a little dope. - You're kidding?

Yeah. I'm only kidding you.

- Is this it? - That is grass, lady. Good grass.

I've never seen it loose before. Only in cigarettes.

- You are a liar. - No.

- You're a liar. - Smoke it?

- No, not now. - Yes. Please.

- I have to change. What's that? - It's a typewriter.

Been doing a little writing. I couldn't find a pencil.

- 'Where did you get it?' - I bought it.

'I don't know whether to believe you or not.'

You're not a very trusting person.

A liar and a not very trusting person.

- 'What are you writing?' - My first novel.

- What's it about? - Nothing.

- 'Nothing?' - And everything.

'Everything and nothing.'

Well, it isn't about anything. It is something.

'Then what is it?'

It's a book... It's a book!

'Does it have a story?'

The book will have a cover.

Probably a jacket with my picture on it.

And pages.

Probably have... 400 or 500 pages.

Where did you get the grass?

Oh, well you didn't have any of that here either

so I borrowed some from the next door neighbour.

Oh. I know that's not true. Mr Straight.

- Oh, Mr Straight live next door? - Hm-mm.

Hm, damn. I always wondered where Mr Straight lived.

He lives next door. Boy, is he a turn off.

- Oh, yeah? - Hm-mm.

- You sleep with him? - No.

Oh, that's right. You don't sleep with anybody.

- You ever had sex with him? - You're a very rude person.

That's right.

But you got to admit it's a productive kind of rudeness.

Keeps things in perspective.

I'm glad you're still here.

- What did you do today? - Hm. Another commercial thing.

Well, that's weird.

An aluminium fry pan.

Wait a minute.

Oh, I even have one of these cases to hold it when it gets small.

What are you doing? No.

Take a deep drag and hold it. Where did you get this?

Maybe this will explain it.

Now hold it in. Really deep. Long as you can.

Saw it in cigarettes, huh?

I don't know if Lynn was really into it or if she was just behaving

the way she thought I wanted her to behave. Or what?

I don't know if the girl was stoned or not.

Did you see "On the Beach"?

"On the Beach", the movie?

There's a scene in there that reminds me of this.

There are these two people. I think they were married.

Yeah, they were married because they had a child.

They had to kill the child.

- They had to kill it? - Yeah.

Everyone was dying of radiation anyway.

So the governments were passing out these poison pills

so you could die painlessly.

And so, they got all tucked in bed and they took their pills with their tea.

And that reminds you of this?

- Yeah. - Oh.

No. Really, that's not the part.

- No, I understand. - No, really.

See, they got all tucked in bed and they took their pills.

They had to wait. They didn't know when it would happen.

That's the part.

Now, who the hell knows what they want?

You know, who knows what they want? Who knows what's right or wrong?

Who knows... why they do everything they do?

Sometimes I think we get all fouled up into looking for too many answers

and we end up doing nothing. You know what I mean?

I mean, we spend a lot of time trying to solve old problems and...

...and we don't get anywhere.

So of course, a lot of it is inside my head.

A lot of it is wrapped up inside there

but why do I have to keep spending time trying to figure out why?

And telling people why. And why do I have to...

...to have a reason for the whole thing all the time.

I don't know why it happened.

- You know why you want me? - Yeah.

- Why? - Because you're silly.

And you're cute.

- Cute? - I think you're cute.

And you're honest.

About everything.

I think that's the most important thing.

I don't think I've ever met anyone like you.

People just aren't like that.

It should be the easiest thing in the world.

I wonder why it isn't? Maybe it is.

It just seems... right.

Happy-

It's because it wasn't deliberate.

Hm?

We didn't... know it was going to happen.

That's why it can be honest.

I mean, we weren't interested in each other, so...

...we didn't have time to plan an approach.

Yeah.

Which scene is this?

I guess it doesn't matter why we want each other.

Great take.

- Scene 23A... - Take two.

15 more minutes.

Scene 23A, take two.

I just get so sick of it sometimes.

Standing around, day after day, turning this way and that way.

I'm either sweating to death under the hot lights

or trying to get excited about a lousy glass of beer.

Hand me my eye pencil.

- Oh, it's... it's just frustrating. - What do you know about frustration?

Maybe I'm just cut out to be a wife and mother.

Oh, Lynn. Stop jabbing like an ass. Hand me my eye lash curler.

Marriage. Look what marriage did for me?

Perfect couple they called us.

I was the perfect wife. I was the perfect hostess.

I gave perfect dinner parties. I made perfect small talk.

Just to push that big baboon to the top.

He asked me about the operation.

He said he'll take care of everything that the insurance doesn't cover.

I bet he was very reassuring.

I can just see his big fat happy face just the way he gets

when he gives the weather report.

Wish I had your chance knowing what I know now.

Chance for what?

- I don't even know what I really want. - I tell you what you want.

You want to get ahead and make a lot of money.

Your own money. That's what you want.

I should learn to stop listening to you.

I can never tell when you mean something or when you're just rapping.

I mean everything I say when I rap.

- When are we going to eat? - I stood in line for three hours today

to get those forms. The least you can do is fill them out.

Come on, Lynn. You mean I have to spend four years at school

because you wasted three hours in line.

You asked me to get these. I thought you were serious.

It's the most logical thing you could do.

You could sit around for another four years

without making a single decision about your life.

I've been sitting around here for two months

watching you stare at that typewriter and stare at that television,

waiting for you to figure out what you want to do.

Well, what are you going to do, Chris? I'm pregnant.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, wow.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm sorry.

'Hello, there. Lay it on the line.'

- 'Lyle?' - 'Well, who are you calling, sir?'

' 'Lyle?' - Who are you calling?

- 'Who are you calling?' - 'Hello.'

' 'Hello.' ' 'Lyle.'

'Are we going to sit around all clay saying hello?

'Let's forget the amenities. Lay it on the line, sir.'

So I wake up in the morning and I say to Lynn...

You still haven't told me why you locked me out of your room last night.

She comes up with some crazy ass excuse of, "My mother's coming today."

So I can't sleep with you last night because your mother is coming today.

Just the way she said it. "lt'd be like cheating her."

I never thought of it that way.

Exactly. It's like cheating her.

You'll have to get your things out of here today.

You know I haven't touched you in three weeks.

- It's been three days. - Might as well be three weeks.

Got to think of my health.

Oh... I just stayed away the rest of that day.

I went to see Terri and the kid.

- Chris? - Hm-mm.

Why do you keep coming back like this?

I mean, what does it do for you coming back here?

Makes me a daddy.

It's too late to get involved in now.

We don't need you anymore.

Is he my kid, Terri?

I'd like to think of him as yours.

And I'd really like him to be yours.

But I'm not sure.

Slate.

"Nice-Nap Carpets". Scene 9, take 3. Sound 3.

Action!

Wouldn't you really love to lay one on your floor?

Cut.

- OK, camera. - 2.5 seconds.

Michael, that line is filthy. That's worse now

- than it was in the script. - It works better now.

We should go with that original idea we had - "put a Nice-Nap on your floor."

- No, no. - That was better. This is dirty.

This is today. This is...

This is not the kind of thing people want today.

There's a Lynn Harris here to see you.

I think we ought to go back to that original idea we were talking about.

We're going to shoot it this way. It works. I like it this way.

The way you're running things around here, Michael, I don't like it.

Michael...

- Michael, I have to talk with you. - OK, let's roll another one.

Quiet please.

Let's slave.

"Nice-Nap Carpet". Scene 9. Take 5. Sound 5.

OK. Action.

OK. Really into it. Convince me.

Wouldn't you really love to lay one on your floor?

OK, one more time. You moved your eyes.

Keep your eyes right on me. OK? Give it to me.

Wouldn't you really love to lay one on your floor?

- OK, camera. - 4.5 seconds.

- Sound good. - OK. That's a take. Cut.

Michael... This is important.

- So is this. - But I just want...

- All right, here we go again. - Call me tomorrow.

Quiet, please.

Shezzan.

Shezzan.

Shezzan.

- All right. What are you doing? - I'm trying to fly.

Captain Marvel can fly. Why can't I fly?

Chris, you're not an idiot. Why act like an idiot?

Butchers, bakers, candlestick makers.

Do you know a tribe of Indians that needs a good Indian chief?

You know, I think I would make one hell of a good Indian chief.

- Height? _ 5l 9H-

- Weight? - 155.

Eyes“.

- ...dirty brown. - Black!

Dirty brown.

Can't you just right down black? What the hell do they care? Eyes?

Single, married, divorced?

What do you intend to major in?

- Now, that's frightening. - What?

What do you intend to do with the next 50 or 60 years of your life?

I'm sorry Lynn but I'm going to have to waste three hours of your life.

- Chris! - Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I've got a job.

Well, I have an interview for a job.

I don't see any reason why they wouldn't give it to me

because I am magnificent. Come on. Let's go to bed.

- Chris. - Come on.

- Where? - In the bedroom. Where else?

What kind ofjob? Where?

A very good job.

Are you serious?

Pierce, Burns and Manspeaker.

- You have an interview? - With Mr Manspeaker himself.

Chris, that's one of the biggest agencies... oh.

And now they're going to have a copywriter who can write good.

Well... good.

Chris, you just can't walk into a place like that

and expect to get a job because you think you can do it

better than anyone else. You can't do it!

You need experience. Be sensible.

Hey, Lynn. Wait a minute. What the hell is this?

Now, I don't want to go to school for four years.

Now you tell me what the hell is sensible.

My guitar. Is that sensible?

Look, I got a good shot at this job and I can do it.

I'm surprised they'd even let you in the door.

Oh...

I used your father's name as a reference.

- Don't you care about anything? - Oh, Jesus Christ.

What the hell is bugging you?

You're a bitch. You know that?

- I see you... were referred to us by... - Lyle Harris.

- That's Lyle Harris the newscaster? - That's right.

- That's a pretty good reference. - Very good reference.

- Now, what agency are you from? - None.

- With no experience. We rarely... - As an advertiser, no.

As a writer, yes.

I do have a good background for advertising, however.

- What background? - I was a pimp for a couple of years.

- Did you say pimp? - He said pimp. Pimp.

- What's a pimp got to do with it? - I'm selling myself to you right now...

and I'm succeeding.

What makes think you're succeeding?

- Your pupils. - Pupils?

Pupils.

Your pupils have expanded since we've been talking.

Your emotional response to me is positive.

I have an unusual approach and you're interested.

I could apply this approach to whatever you're selling.

I have a hunch about you. This is a young country.

Half the people under 25.

And we must communicate with the Pepsi generation.

You seem to have the necessary get-up-and-go.

GO, go: go'

You see, I feel as though a pimp makes a natural advertiser.

They both deal with the public in the same way.

Offering a release.

A solution to frustrations. A fulfillment of desires.

One does it with a quick piece of ass. The other with a... new deodorant.

Toilet bowl cleaner.

- Yeah, that's one way of putting it. - That's one hell of a way of putting it.

Hal, you have to admit. That's one hell of a way of putting it.

I'll have to talk to Bill and see if this will fit into our "triple treat" philosophy.

- "Triple treat"? - Our agency philosophy.

A treat in the product, a treat in the message,

tailored to treat a target audience.

I think that can wait, Ralph.

Also, I'd like to have a few words with Chris alone.

- If you don't mind? - Surely, sir. Go ahead.

Oh, if I may injectjust one other item. Erm. Chris... about your hair.

Don't worry about it, fella. Long hair is A-OK with us. Really.

Just thought I'd reassure him that hair has nothing to do with

whether or not he got the job.

'Personnel, Marilyn.'

- I love you. Marilyn. - 'Oh, I love you too. Bob.'

Uh, Marilyn. Have Larry send Ralph on a two-week vacation, will you?

He's getting pushy again.

And Marilyn... ask, er... Larry to set Ralph up.

- You mean...? - Yeah.

- Will do. - Thanks, love.

I have a hunch about you, Chris.

That's what's wrong with everything.

There's a trainee meeting tomorrow at 10:00.

See you there.

I mean, how can I place any value on a thing like that?

I went in there, fed those people horseshit and they offered me a job.

Chris, I'm an idiot.

Yes, you are.

I'm an idiot and a child.

It's just...

I don't want to screw things up. I don't want to screw things up for you.

That's not the hit.

That's not the hit at all. It's not you, it's me.

You're not forcing me into doing anything I don't want to do.

I want to do it. I knew it before I met you I was gonna have to get...

Get into a new thing.

I knew I was going to have to get a new thing together.

All I needed was to get up off my dead ass.

Finally do something.

I'll tell you why I came back here.

I might have a kid. I might be a father.

It's some girl I used to...

She has this little boy.

To tell you the truth, I couldn't tell you how she took it.

The kid looks like me.

There must 150 kids who look like me.

I couldn't even explain to you what the reaction was.

It was like a... no reaction.

If I knew the kid was mine...

...I'd take care of it.

If Lynn and I had a kid,

I would have married her. Yeah.

But who the hell needs that?

A little boy.

His name's Chris.

Three months.

I didn't know who else to come to.

- What about the father? - He doesn't know.

Thank you.

Let's see. Father doesn't know, you don't want him to know.

Whole thing wouldn't work out anwvay, right?

Look, I know what I'm doing. I've already made up my mind.

I thought you could help me.

When I said I could arrange anything,

I was thinking of creating, not destroying.

Thank you, Michael.

Ooh, that was cruel. Sorry.

Guess I'm a bit envious of your friend.

- Can I take your order? - No, I'd like a check.

I have to make a few phone calls.

How do we get young men to join the army?

How do we get them to want to be part of the army team?

You were in the service, weren't you, Chris?

That's why we've chosen this army recruiting campaign

for your trial assignment.

We'd like you to whip up a few TV commercials for us.

Here's all the dope you'll need. It'll give you hands on what to point up.

Why would a young man want to risk getting his head blown off?

Maybe it's the sharp uniform.

Or we could play up the leader of men aspect.

I've got it. The nurse.

The army nurse. Dancing with a pretty army nurse.

Isn't that beautiful?

Or... maybe it's all those shining bright medals.

The status thing.

Here you are, Chris. Here's the whole ball of wax.

Good luck, son.

Oh, and remember, a treat in the product,

a treat in the message, tailor to treat a target audience.

I'm sorry.

I can't do it.

Who are these goddamn people?

All these goddamned grey flannelled briefcases, afternoon shoppers,

staring at the silly ass collection of gears and pulleys.

Silly ass piece ofjunk.

Trying to figure it out. Trying to analyse it.

What does it mean?

It's because I'm silly ass stuck out there

where you can get a good look at it.

What do you want, Chris?

What do I want?

- Peanut butter sandwich? - What else?

A Malibu beach four-ply construction perma press tie.

And a bowl of electric cherries.

A partridge in a pear tree.

And when all the people move out of the cities into national parks,

we'll change the cities into great big amusement parks

so you can go there on a Sunday afternoon and fool around.

Jesus, I wish I could talk to you.

And one night just tore it.

She was supposed to come back from some gig she had.

And I waited there till 10:30.

I guess I even made up my mind before that

and I welcomed the chance.

- You get the cash. - Yeah.

Give me it.

OK. You had anything to eat for the last 12 hours?

- No. - That's good.

Try to relax. You're probably a little nervous.

You're going to have a miscarriage. Have a drink. Take one drink.

I don't want to scare you, but if you don't do exactly what you're told.

They're going to find you.

I've seen a lot of girls go through this.

You're going to lose some blood. It's only natural. It happens every time.

You follow instructions and do what the man says, everything's fine.

He's going to put you up on the table, reach inside and make a little hole.

About a week or so later, you'll have a little miscarriage.

You don't do what you're told, you got problems.

You understand?

It'll take us about a half hour to get there.

I'll bring you back here then.

I don't know where she was. I don't know.

Hello.

Sit down if you like. I'll just be a moment.

- Care for a shot of whisky? - I already gave her one.

- No, thank you. - One more won't hurt.

I'd just like to get this over with.

You know, I think the greatest crime in the world

is for a woman to have a baby that she doesn't want.

Hop on the towel, please.

Please remove your panties,

roll your stockings down and pull your skirt back to your waist.

She could have been out getting an ice cream cone all night. I don't know.

She could have been with some other guy, I don't know.

I don't know where she was.

I think right at that point, I didn't even really care.

I think I was happy that she wasn't there.

I think I was happy that I was angry with her.

I think I was happy just to get the hell out of it.

Now lie back and pull your knees back.

Please keep still. You'll feel a sharp pain for about 30 seconds.

That should be all. I'll warn you when it's coming.

Don't be afraid of this.

It's just used as a guide. Nothing to worry about.

Take it easy. Everything's going to be all right.

- I can't do this. - Please, please.

- No. - I know what I'm doing. Relax.

OK, stop it. Take it easy!

Hey! What are you doing?

'Yeah!

'The door's open.'

Yeah?

- Are you looking for the girl? - Terri.

- Moved out - Oh yeah?

- You don't know where, do you? - No. Landlord might.

- Oh yeah. - You want his number?

No, no. I, er... I can get it.

- Never mind. - OK.

'Roger! Roger!

'Roger! Roger!'

- Roger! - What's the matter?

There's someone up in our tree. Go and look.

Well, who would I talk to about something like that?

Let me talk to him then.

- What are you doing? - I'm calling the police.

The fuzz.

I thought they were just a bunch of Fascist pigs.

You know what that is up in the tree? That's your son.

Chris!

MY Son!

What are you doing in that tree?

Don't yell at him. He probably has his reasons.

- Life moves in subtle ways. - Get down out of that tree.

Don't talk to him like that. He's not a little boy anymore.

Then what's he doing up in that tree?

You have no idea where she went?

I guess I could find out.

I don't know.

You should have let me handle the whole thing.

I called my lawyer. I could have had that whole mess straightened out.

You're just too damn stubborn.

Being a man means that you're ready to take...

Bullshit! What the hell does being a man have to do

with letting you handle my problems?

I'm not about to stake you to three more years...

...of trying to figure them out for yourself.

- It's not a stake, it's a loan. - Where's my collateral?

As long as I keep bumming around

on the no good hippy dirty Communist circuit

you're always assured of a piece of ass when I'm in town.

- Wait a minute... - What the hell?

Let her know you're a man too.

Been ignoring her for the last 15 years.

That's about enough of that.

Dad, I just don't want to go work in your baby food factory.

And I don't want to sell vacuum cleaners.

I don't want to sell little toy plastic aircraft carriers.

And I don't want to...

I don't know what I want.

Chris, I think I understand what you're talking about.

These problems are a bit like going to Howard Johnson's for ice cream.

You can get all kinds of wild, exotic flavours, but...

...somehow you always wind up with vanilla.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Dad!

Did you get what I mean?

All you have to do is occasionally, just once in a while listen to what...

Wait... hold on... Now, just a minute, Dad!

How about the poor bastard that gets hung up on butter pecan?

He's disappointed when he can't get it.

There's always vanilla, Chris. Always vanilla.

- That's what it comes down to, huh? - If you get what I mean.

'There's always a little more life available

'to the man who thinks bold, acts bold...

'...the man who was bold enough to do what he likes, take what he wants,

'takes the beer that says bold is his lifestyle.

'Bold Gold.

'Brewed by men who aren't afraid to put out a beer that's all guts.

'Brewed for the man who likes to know he's drinking when he drinks a beer.

'For the man who thinks bold, acts bold.

'Bold Gold,

'in the gold bottle with the bold label.'

'My next guest, she's crazy, witty

'and her latestjob is in choreographing the great Off-Broadway show "Putz".

'Let's have a big round of applause for Elsie Doughty.'

'Well, tell us about your "Putz".'

'Putz.'

- 'You got to hear about my new play.' - 'He's a dirty old man.'

- 'You want to hear about it?' - 'Yes, I would.'

'It's called "Lost".

'It's about a poor Puerto Rican guy in New York City, the ghetto.

'He has nine children.'

- I'll get it. - 'His wife had five at one time.'

- One time? - Quintuplets.

Here you are. Sign right here.

Pretty damn light. I bet there's nothing in it.

Some kind of a joke.

You mean you don't have a message?

We're just showing things the way they are.

What the hell is this?

# And we'll all go together

# To pick wild mountain thyme

# All around the bloomin' heather

# Where you go #