Original subtitles

[adult Adam] Back in the '80s, my brother, Barry,

never thought things through and always took big swings.

Luckily, he found a woman

who could appreciate him for all he was,

his equally eccentric girlfriend, Joanne.

Ah, the board of opportunities.

So many flyers, so many dreams, so many drummers wanted.

[Joanne] Ooh! "Do you want to meet lonely singles in your area?"

"Shapely ladies are waiting for your call."

I already got the shapeliest lady on the planet.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, crap! I gotta go.

I'm helping a woman sue the man who ran over her toe.

It's super gross and jacked up.

I'm totally gonna win. [chuckles]

[whistling]

"Luxury apartment"?

Oh, a reader. Nice.

What's your current living situation, friend?

I live in my childhood home

and share a room with my little brother.

Sounds like you could use a place to yourself,

one with all the amenities.

What amenities?

A blonde woman in her 50s who cooks for you?

Almost! We have sink and window.

And as a bonus, I'll throw in easy access to the outside

and all that has to offer.

Sounds great, but there's only one problem,

I don't have any money.

You don't need money when you have something called credit.

Let me ask you, Are you familiar with

the predatory lending laws of Pennsylvania?

-No. -Why would you be?

They're so dern annoying.

-Blech! -I gotta think about it.

Sorry, it's a very competitive marketplace,

and I have several qualified applicants.

No!

-I'll take it. -Good man.

Your swanky bachelor pad awaits.

Quick question, Do you own a cat?

-No. -Oh, I would get one.

I would get a very large cat.

Okay, let's sign these documents.

And, no, I do not have a pen.

I got one.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

[adult Adam] It was March 1st, 1980-something,

and my mom was returning from another fulfilling day

as the Quaker Warden at William Penn Academy.

Home from school.

We have any Capri Sun?

You know where it is.

Now, tell me all the news of the outside world,

'cause I've been cooped up in here with the little one.

Erica, Joe said the funniest thing today. [chuckles]

Joe... as in Mr. Perott,

the school's guidance counselor?

Joe is so funny.

Now, you wouldn't know this just by looking at Joe, but...

[chuckling] Today, in the teachers' lounge...

[laughs]

I dropped my Del Monte yogurt on the floor.

And then Joe comes by and says,

"Finally, some culture in this place."

Get it? [chuckles]

'Cause yogurt has cultures of bacteria.

Oh, he's so funny, that Joe!

You seem to be saying "Joe" a lot.

We're colleagues. I say people's names.

-Stop being weird. -It's fine.

Let me make you a snacky,

and you can tell me all about your little crush.

Ew, um...

[scoffs] The only crush I have is on my children.

Joe and I are just friends.

Friends, huh?

Well, I want you ask yourself these three questions,

Do you get excited being around Joe?

Excited? No.

Eager and enthusiastic? Sure.

Sleepless energy that crackles with electricity?

Kind of.

Do you do things to get his attention?

Never.

I mean, do I bake him endless cakes and pies? Yes.

Do I write cute little notes and put 'em in his cubby?

Of course I do.

Do I make faces at him in the carpool line?

[chuckles] How could I not?

And, lastly, do you get easily flustered being around him?

Absolutely not.

Oh, hi, Mr. Perott.

Ah! All the vomit!

[chuckles]

-You have a crush. -I have a crush.

Well, what do I do now?

I already rejected him when we were on the yearbook committee.

Oh, don't worry.

Men are just lifeless lumps of clay

begging to be manipulated.

Watch and learn.

Hey, hon, it's your turn on diaper duty.

And, sorry, it's atomic.

There's the guy I picked.

I just wanted to take a second

before I change the diaper to compliment you.

Okay, take two seconds.

This fella isn't above receiving a word bouquet.

Your thighs are looking so attractive.

What? You can see them through my relaxed-fit corduroys?

Oh, big time!

Have you been hitting that machine

that nobody uses at the gym?

It's always the least sweaty, so, yeah.

Well, hubba-hubba. [chuckles]

I just wish that I had the time to get some reps in myself.

I must look so gross to you.

Impossible. You are a vision.

Well, maybe I'll just let myself go,

be one of the big ladies in the "Guinness Book."

You know, they're smiling in the picture,

so maybe they're happy.

Okay, you know what? I have an idea.

Why don't I just worry about Muriel

and you take all the time you need to feel your best?

My gracious!

What a crazy idea you totally came up with.

All right, now hustle off,

'cause the stink is hitting my nose hairs.

[Muriel coos]

Dumb and done. Good luck with your crush.

[adult Adam] While Erica was getting my mom ready

to make a move on Mr. Perott,

Barry was getting ready to move out.

[gasps] I never thought I'd see the day!

You're cleaning your side of the room!

I would never do that. I'm moving out.

Seriously?

Don't toy with me, man.

I signed a lease!

I'm outta here!

Oh, happy day!

[both laugh]

I can't believe it!

You get your own place,

and I get you the hell out of mine!

We can finally take a shower and get dressed like men

without being mercilessly teased and towel-whipped!

You could've also just not done that to me.

I don't care!

I've never been happier!

-What did Joanne say? -Joanne?

When you guys picked out the place together?

I didn't discuss it with her.

Was that a mistake?

Eh, ignore my question.

Keep dancing.

Nothing can derail this happy moment.

Oh, no!

I never even considered her.

Well, don't tell her that.

Then what should I tell her?

I know.

I'll tell her I went to sleep under a tree,

and an apartment was built around me.

It's the perfect crime.

That's a winner, for sure.

But how about starting with the truth?

But a gentle truth,

that ends with a scenario where you still move out.

Or...

I cancel my lease with Calabasas

and tell her nothing.

That's a terrible plan.

But I'll keep packing, just in case.

Oh! There you are!

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Whoa, look who sounds like my adult children.

I can no longer take the apartment.

I forgot to tell my girlfriend about it.

Look, you have a girlfriend,

I have a girlfriend. I totally get it.

What a relief.

My girlfriend, of course, is that sweet rent money

that you already gave me,

and we're never breaking up.

Shady dealings from a landlord? Unheard of.

You signed a contract, mostly in all the right places.

Unfair.

But I'll show you.

Poke, poke, poke.

My germs are all over your grinder.

Please. I've eaten way more poked food than this.

Next month's rent is due in 30 days.

30 days?

Wow, your touch has really affected

the taste of my sandwich.

[adult Adam] Barry had made a mistake he couldn't get out of.

Meanwhile, at school, my mom was trying her best

to get in with Mr. Perott.

But her flirting skills were a little rusty.

[in singsong voice] Hey!

Here comes Bev with some chicken kiev!

[laughs]

[in normal voice] I don't have any food with me.

[adult Adam] Okay, very rusty.

I don't know.

[adult Adam] So embarrassingly rusty, she thought about giving up.

-That is, until this happened. -Hey.

-I wanted to talk to you. -Me?

Moi?This gal?

I just want to say, I really like

that we've been able to move past the one-awkward-date thing.

Pfft. I-- I barely remember it.

And since we're friends,

there's something I want to talk to you about.

Go on, Joe. Tell me everything I want to hear.

You know how the Winter Formal Dance is coming up?

Is it?

Huh, I barely noticed all those banners

I helped make and put up.

And I'm thinking about asking someone

if she'd like to co-chaperone the event together.

Oh, Joe, stop. No, keep going.

-I don't know how she'll feel about it. -Go on.

Because I've been getting mixed signals.

She sounds amazing.

And I bet if you were to ask her,

you would get an enthusiastic yes.

Okay. Here goes.

[adult Adam] This was it.

Mr. Perott was gonna ask her out.

Beverly Goldberg was back on the dating scene.

And... he wasn't talking about her.

Andrea, would you want to co-chaperone

the winter dance with me?

Oh, I'd love to, Joe!

[laughing] Oh, oh!

Holy... [bleep]

Oh, this is great news!

And fun!

Let's not leave fun off the table.

Fun and great!

Oh! Together at last!

[adult Adam] Yep, my mom was in the friend zone.

Meanwhile, I had just finished turning my room back

into a Barry-free zone.

Ad-Rock, I've got a serious problem.

Turns out a lease is a legally binding document--

Oh, I'm so sad about that!

Like, such a bummer.

Take care now.

What the hell happened in here?

I took the liberty of turning this

back into Adam's love shack.

I don't care what you do with your He-Man figurines.

I need help.

How many times do I have to tell you

to be honest with Joanne?

For some reason, she loves you.

She'll get it.

But she always thinks about me,

and I completely forgot about her.

Just figure out a way to be happy together, away from here.

That's it!

I'll ask her to move in with me.

Then I'll tell her I've already found

the perfect place for us to look at,

the apartment I already rented.

She'll fall in love with it and me at the same time.

Thanks for the idea!

Not my idea.

And do you even want to live with Joanne,

or are you just trying to avoid a small fight?

It would only be a smallfight?

Like 15 minutes, tops.

I'm still not comfortable with that.

Let's move in and live a life of lies instead.

Have a good day.

-Joanne. -Oh!

I've been thinking long and hard about our relationship.

-Oh, noice! -And I've come to a decision.

I want us to live together,

in our own apartment.

Oh, my God, Bar-Bar!

And I've already lined up the perfect place for us

to inspect and immediately fall in love with.

I have wanted us to take this step.

But I also wanted to be sensitive,

since you moved home to be with family

during such a hard year.

Yeah, yeah, all the pain.

But that doesn't matter anymore.

All that matters is us finding a spot,

preferably on the west side of Walnut Street,

between 4th and 5th.

You, sir, are a great boyfriend.

Maybe the best.

[laughs]

Maybe.

[adult Adam] Barry's new plan was actually working.

Joanne was excited about living together.

That was until they saw the place.

Wow!

Look at this palace!

Seems perfect for a couple in love, no?

Sorry, Bar. [sighs] I don'tlove it.

Come on, Joanne.

-This place has sentimental value. -How?

It's the first apartment we looked at together.

Every couple remembers and definitely rents

the first apartment they looked at together.

It's so sweet you want to rush into this.

But let's explore our options.

Maybe get an apartment that doesn't smell like onions.

Onions are the best!

They're everyone's fifth-favorite hot dog topping.

I thought I heard a full and clear conversation over here.

I live next door. The walls are paper thin.

I hope you like ska music.

Oh, we're not moving in.

Not today? When? Tomorrow?

-Never. -Tomorrow sounds good.

Be on your way, stranger.

We're still working out the details.

Relationships seem fun.

Hey, here's your mailbox key.

Just drop the rent in number six.

Barry, did you already rent this place?

-No! -Yes.

Which is it?

Uhhhh...

Uhhhhhh...

Did I answer you yet?

You did not.

Allow me to clarify, no backsies.

[adult Adam] Yep, Barry had been found out.

Meanwhile, my mom had found out her crush liked someone else.

And she wasn't taking it well.

Schmoo, what happened?

He asked someone else to the dance, Erica.

I hate him! I hate boys!

I hate school!

And I'm never going back!

I know, but you have to go back, sweetie.

I'm done listening to you.

I'm gonna go up to my room,

and I'm not even gonna come out for dinner.

That's confusing to me, because does that mean

that you're not going to make dinner or...

Of course I'm gonna make dinner.

I love providing for my family.

But I'm not gonna eat it.

-Now leave me alone forever! -Okay.

Well, I'm gonna give you some space

so you can get out all your big feelings.

No, wait, don't go. I need you.

Daughter Bear's right here, pumpkin.

Mm.

What do I do?

Well, sometimes you like someone,

and they don't like you back.

And you just have to be okay with that.

Oh, my God.

That's not what you say.

You say he's an idiot

who doesn't know what he's missing out on.

There is a way, you know.

What are you talking about?

You think you're the only one

who knows how to play the game of flirtation and romance?

I'm listening. Tell me how to beat the system, wise Geoff.

No, no, no. Don't fill her head with sunshine.

Now put the baby down.

No.

"No"?

What is this "No"? I'm not familiar with it.

You complimented my thighs, and you didn't even mean it.

My thighs are amazing.

They taper and bulge in all the right places.

You know about my flirtation game?

Oh, I know all your moves.

But you don't know mine.

There's only one thing that gets someone's attention.

-Jealousy. -[scoffs]

When has that ever worked for you?

Oh, sweet, foolish, naive Erica.

You didn't pay me the time of day

until you saw a little candy on my arm.

Wait, Evy Silver?

I used Silver to get the gold.

Goldberg, that is.

You... played me?

Mom, this can't be who you listen to.

You know, making him jealous instead of doing nothing

seems to be the better choice.

Yes!

Now watch my sweet thighs disappear

as I walk away in victory.

His thighs are pretty amazing.

[adult Adam] Thanks to Geoff's advice,

my mom was off to win over Mr. Perott.

Meanwhile, Barry was worried he had just lost Joanne.

Come on, Jo Jo Bean.

Please, come out and talk to me.

Yeah, Jo Jo Bean.

If you stay in there another 30 minutes,

I can legally charge you for wrongful habitation.

Youknow nothing of the law.

And you. Let me just get the sequence of events down here.

You rented an apartment for yourself

without even thinking about me.

No comment?

I would like to comment. Yes. Yes, he did.

And then you realized you messed up

and you tried to convince me to live in this dump!

How dare you!

I know the dump very well.

Some of my best friends live in the dump.

And this, madame, is slightly better.

Look, I tried to get my money back first.

Oh, so living with me was your thirdchoice?

I didn't want to make you mad.

Oh, so you went through all this trouble

to cover up your mistake,

rather than having the exact fight we're having right now?

Well, it isunpleasant. Don't you agree?

Hello, happy couple!

Just solidifying you moved out

by dropping off a housewarming gift.

Barry, do you even want to live with me?

I don't know what I want.

Well, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out

when you live here by yourself.

And you.

I'm a lawyer, and this isn't even a legal place to live.

There is lead paint, mold, improper ventilation,

and probably Legionnaires' disease.

Fine. Barry, I never would've rented to you

if I knew you knew a lawyer.

Now everyone is happy and forgiven!

No, Barry.

I love you, and I don't want you to be taken advantage of.

But as far as we're concerned,

you have really gone too far this time.

[adult Adam] Even though Joanne bailed him out,

Barry didn't feel any better.

Meanwhile, my mom roped Coach Nick

into making Mr. Perott feel jealous.

[music playing over speakers]

You look lovely tonight, Beverly.

Your dress is sparkly, like a championship ring.

And you... brought two whistles.

Oh, almost forgot.

My lady.

Beverly, you're here?

Joe, I didn't see you there.

Yes, I'm also co-chaperoning this dance

with my big, strapping date, Nick.

Please, call me Coach Nick.

That's weird.

I didn't see your name on the sign-up sheet, Beverly.

Oh, well, you probably didn't flip it over to the back

where I added two extra lines

for myself and Coach Nick, Andrea.

Does that mean some of us can leave, or...

Yeah, I guess so. [chuckles]

Andrea, bye-bye.

I'd like to stay.

I'm enjoying myself.

Not too much, I hope.

I mean, who chaperones the chaperones? [chuckles]

I do.

Well, let's just have fun out there, all right?

That's what losers say. We're gonna win.

Win what?

If you don't know, you've already lost.

[adult Adam] And so began my mom's attempts

at getting Mr. Perott's attention.

She did everything you do at a high school dance,

starting with this classic.

Stop. Stop.

What are you doing?

I'm not supposed to have carbs after 6:00 p.m.

Now I have to jumping-jack it off!

[adult Adam] Then she took a swing at good old-fashioned chaperoning.

Hey, kids! Not so close.

Oh, I thought you were students. [laughs]

Well, either way, good rule to live by, huh?

Back up a little.

[adult Adam] Of course, there was also the fake laugh.

And that's why I eat 10 bags of sunflower seeds a day.

[laughs]

Oh, Coach Nick, you're so funny!

You're a laugh riot!

It's not funny, Beverly.

I have a phosphorus deficiency.

[adult Adam] But Mr. Perott still wasn't taking the bait.

Luckily, my mom had one last trick up her sleeve.

Andrea...

You need to get out to the parking lot right now.

Some kids are about to tip your car over.

-My Buick Regal? -Get out there, now!

Go! Scoot!

Bev, what is going on?

What on earth are you talking about?

Well, you're being rude to Andrea.

Also, you're not chaperoning at all.

This punch is very spiked.

S'all good. [chuckles]

Bev, stop.

What is going on with you?

Fine.

[whispering] I like you.

What was that?

I think you're neat.

I'm not picking that up.

I have a fondness for you.

Maybe just a little louder over the music.

[loudly] I like you, okay?

-[crowd gasps] -[music stops]

Beverly...

[crowd murmuring]

[sighs]

This was a mistake. I'm sorry.

I'll just leave,

and you and Andrea can have a good time.

[adult Adam] Joanne was incredibly hurt.

But there was a new flyer on the kiosk

that just might ease her pain.

[Joanne] "Lost girlfriend"?

Maybe you've seen her.

She's beautiful and smart and kind

and puts up with a lot.

Yeah, she does.

And a flyer isn't gonna fix everything, Barry.

But maybe two flyers would.

[stapler clicks]

-"Found, idiot boyfriend." -[Barry] Yeah.

He was wandering around all sad and miserable

'cause he messed up real bad.

Barry, I think you cut yourself a little

-with that staple gun. -Just let me finish.

It's bleeding pretty bad.

No, Joanne.

What's bad is how much I screwed up.

-You need to get a rag or maybe a tourniquet! -[sighs]

Do you not feel that?

The only thing I can feel is the pain I caused you.

At least put some pressure on it

or, like, elevate it over your head.

Exactly.

I'm overmy head in love with you.

It's really pumping. I can tell when your heart beats.

When that apartment came up,

youshould've been my first thought.

You're about to have no more thoughts

because you are running out of blood.

I always want to put you first,

and I definitely want to live with you.

That's incredibly sweet,

but we need to get you some medical attention, like, now.

So you forgive me?

-Yes, of course. -Yes!

Bar-Bar and Jo Jo are back! [clicks stapler]

Oh, I feel a little lightheaded.

[Joanne] Sure. [chuckles]

[adult Adam] While Joanne finally knew what Barry's heart was full of,

my mom was feeling empty herself.

Thank you for coming.

Mom, I'm always here for you.

Being single is so new to me.

And I clearly don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah, maybe we didn't give you the best advice.

The truth is, dating is hard.

And it's gonna be extra hard for you

because you're starting over.

But give yourself some credit for getting back out there.

You are brave and strong.

And you are no fool.

Well, one thing I know for sure

is you are gonna be a great mom to Muriel

when some dumb boy breaks her heart.

["The Flame" by Cheap Trick playing]

[Perott] Beverly?

Oh. Hi, Joe. [chuckles]

I'll be in the car if you need me.

♪ Another night slowly closes in ♪

[sighs]

I always thought these dances were weird

when I was in high school.

I guess not much has changed.

I'm so sorry.

Beverly, stop.

I was gonna ask you,

would you consider coming back inside with me?

Why? So I can sign a legal document

saying I won't come within 50 feet of you?

No, to co-chaperone.

I don't understand. What about Andrea?

Andrea drank a lot of punch,

and she's lying in the back of her Buick Regal.

But... I would prefer yourcompany.

♪ I can't believe you're gone ♪

♪ You were the first ♪

I'd like that.

-Let's do it. -All right!

♪ Wherever you go I'll be with you ♪

[adult Adam] That's the thing about starting something new.

It can be challenging and scary.

♪ Whatever you want I'll give it to you ♪

[adult Adam] But if you're doing it for the right reasons,

with the right people, it doesn't have to be.

And when you're brave enough to try,

you never know, it might lead to great things.

♪ ...and head upon ♪

♪ Remember, after the fire ♪

♪ After all the rain ♪

♪ I will be the flame ♪

[chuckles]

They're all so cute, aren't they?

They are.

Which one's yours?

The big blonde one.

♪ You were the first You'll be the last ♪

♪ Whatever you want I'll give it to you ♪

[sighs]

Where have you been, young lady?

Oh, Erica. [chuckles]

Did you wait up for me?

How was I supposed to sleep,

knowing that you were out running around in the streets

with God knows who, doing God knows what?

I just went out with Joe to get ice cream after the dance.

-No biggie. -Oh, "no biggie"?

It's a very big biggie!

Do they not have phones at this ice cream establishment?

Okay, I didn't think--

That's right, you didn't think.

Now go to your room while my brothers and I decide

what to do with you.

Sorry. I'll do better next time.

Yes, you will, or there won't bea next time.

Is that it?

Well, you're lucky that it is.

Now, tell me everything about Joe.

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