All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S48E12.Pedro.Pascal.Coldplay.February.4.2023.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-None

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD EVENING.

IT'S GOOD TO BE WITH YOU.
I'M KATY TUR, AND TONIGHT, OUR

LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER.

WE GOT THE BALLOON.
THE DISCOVERY OF THE MASSIVE
SURVEILLANCE BALLOON EARLIER

THIS WEEK INFLAMED ALREADY
VOLATILE U.S./CHINESE RELATIONS
AND HAD MANY ON THE RIGHT

CALLING THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION'S RESPONSE SOFT,
INCLUDING THIS TWEET FROM DONALD

TRUMP JR. SAYING, IF MY DAD WAS
PRESIDENT, THERE WOULD BE NO BALLOON.

AND THIS ONE FROM MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREEN SAYING, LOOK, IT'S
THE REAL MOON.

FOR MORE DETAILS, I'M HONORED TO
BE JOINED TONIGHT BY PENTAGON
OFFICIAL AND AVIATION EXPERT

GENERAL WILLIAM HAMILTON.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
CON KBRACH LAGSS ON YOUR

SUCCESSFUL MISSION.
THANK YOU.
WE POPPED THE BALLOON.

GENERAL, WE'VE NEVER SEEN AN
OBJECT LIKE THIS GAIN ENTRY INTO
OUR AIR SPACE BEFORE.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
THAT'S AN EXCELLENT QUESTION,
KATY IF BALLOON WAS SOMEHOW ABLE

TO GET PAST OUR WEST COAST
ANTIBALLOON DEFENSE SYSTEM, THE
SEATTLE SPACE NEEDLE.

BUT ONCE IT WAS HERE, WE WERE
ABLE TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT WITH
OUR SOPHISTICATED TRACKING

TECHNOLOGY OF GOING LIKE THIS. UNDERSTOOD.
I KNOW THERE ARE QUESTIONS

ABOUT WHY WE DIDN'T SHOOT IT
DOWN IMMEDIATELY, BUT WE WANTED
TO WAIT UNTIL IT WAS OVER THE

COAST SO THAT IT WOULDN'T FALL
ON PEOPLE OR GO... SHSHSH AND
LAND ON MY CAR.

IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS A VERY
EXCITING OPERATION.
CAN YOU TAKE US THROUGH IT?

WELL, I DID BRING A 3D
RENTERING OF THE ENEMY TARGET.
NOW, IMAGINE THIS IS A LOT

BIGGER, BUT THEN, PRETTY FAR
AWAY, IT LOOKS A LOT SMALLER TOO.

NOW, THAT WAS GATHERING
INTEL?
WAS IT TAKING PICTURES?

WE DON'T KNOW.
BUT I DO KNOW IF YOU TAP IT, IT
PLAYS MUSIC.

♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME
ON ♪
OKAY.

WELL, GENERAL, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR YOUR HEROISM AND FOR
PROTECTING OUR NATION.

THANK YOU, MRS. TUR, AND I
WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW WE WILL
NOT TOLERATE ANY FORM OF CHINESE

SPY.
TO BE HONEST, THEY ALREADY HAVE
EVERYTHING THEY NEED FROM

TIKTOK, SO SCROLL AWAY, KIDS.
THANK YOU, GENERAL.
THIS IS EXCITING.

I'M GETTING WORDS WE HAVE
LOCATED THE REMAINS OF THE
BALLOON, AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE A

LIVE FEED.
LET'S SEE HOW IT LOOKS.
WELL, YOU GOT ME.

CONGRATS, YOU SHOT A BALLOON. WOW.
BALLOON, WELL, I'M SORRY YOU'RE

IN THE WATER.
BUT THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING TO US.

I ENTERTAIN YOU PEOPLE FOR
FOUR DAYS, AND THEN GET SHOT BY
BIDEN?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M JOE'S OSAMA.
NOW, I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT WERE
YOU DOING FLYING OVER MONTANA?

I LOVE THE SHOW
"YELLOWSTONE," SO I WAS JUST THERE.

IT'S LIKE "SUCCESSION" BUT
OUTSIDE.
NOW I'M ALL WET, SO WHAT A DAY.

WELL, I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED
YOU'RE STILL FLOATING.
EXPERTS WERE SAYING YOU'RE THE

SIZE OF THREE BUSES. OKAY. OUCH.

I'M A BALLOON, SO THAT'S MY BODY.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE

MEASURED YOUR WIDTH IN BUSES?
SORRY I'M NOT CAMERA READY.
WHO IS THIS?

GET AWAY.
I HATE THE OCEAN.
I'M MORE OF AN AIR GUY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT PEOPLE
WERE WORRIED THEY WERE BEING
SPIED ON.

MY BIME?
A BALLOON?
EVERYONE IS BEING SURVEILLED

CONSTANTLY, BUT IT'S ALWAYS
SHOOT THE BALLOON AND NEVER,
UNPLUG ALEXA.

IF YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR
DATA, WHY DO YOU ALL KEEP YOUR
BANK PASS WORDS IN THE NOTES

APP?
YOU MAIL YOUR LITERAL DNA TO A
COMPANY TO FIND OUT IF YOU'RE

LIKE 10% FRENCH, BUT JUST A BALLOON.
NOW, THE CONCERN WAS THAT YOU

WERE TAKING SENT TIF IMAGES OF
THE U.S.
I WAS SO FAR AWAY.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR AUNT TAKES A
CONCERT VIDEO ON HER iPAD, AND
THEY'RE LIKE, I GUESS THAT'S

MICHAEL BUBLE.
I COULDN'T EVEN TELL WHEN I WAS
LOOKING AT FROM UP THERE.

FRANKLY, I THOUGHT THE STATE
LINES WOULD BE LIKE DRAWN OUT.
I THOUGHT I WOULD SEE WORDS OVER

THE PLACES.
WELL, WE JUST DID WHAT WE HAD
TO DO TO PROTECT THE SECURITY OF

OUR COUNTRY.
WHY?
IS EVERYONE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE

I'M A CHINESE BALLOON.
BECAUSE WHERE I COME FROM, I'M
JUST A BALLOON.

THANKS FOR SPEAKING WITH US
TODAY, AND WE'RE SORRY FOR HOW
EVERYTHING HAD TO GO DOWN.

OH, KATY, DON'T DO THAT.
YOU'VE MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT
I'M NOT WELCOME HERE, SO GOOD

JOB.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THIS

CHINESE SPY BALLOON... I MEAN,
NORMAL BALLOON.
WELL, WHATEVER.

YOU ALREADY HAVE YOUR DATA.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

WITH...

FEATURING...
MUSICAL GUEST, COLDPLAY.

AND YOUR HOST, PEDRO PASCAL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
THANK YOU.
I SPENT THE LAST YEAR SHOOTING A

SHOW CALLED "THE LAST OF US" ON
HBO.
FOR SOME HBO SHOES, YOU GET TO

SHOOT IN A FIVE STAR ITALIAN
RESORT SURROUNDED BY BEAUTIFUL
PEOPLE, BUT I SAID, NO, THAT'S

TOO EASY.
I WANT TO SHOOT IN A FREEZING
CANADIAN FOREST WHILE BEING

CHASED AROUND BY A GUY WHOSE
HEAD LOOKS LIKE A GENITAL WART.
IT IS AN HONOR BEING A PART OF

THESE HUGE FRANCHISEs LIKE "GAME
OF THRONES" AND "STAR WARS," BUT
I'M STILL GETTING USED TO PEOPLE

RECOGNIZING ME.
THE OTHER DAY, A GUY STOPPED ME
ON THE STREET AND SAYS, MY SON

LOVES "THE MANDALORIAN" AND THE
NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M FACE
TIMING WITH A 6-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS

NO IDEA WHO I AM BECAUSE MY
CHARACTER WEARS A MASK THE
ENTIRE SHOW.

THE GUY IS LIKE, DO THE MANDO
VOICE, BUT IT'S LIKE A BEDROOM VOICE.

WITHOUT THE MASK, IT JUST SOUNDS PORNY.
PEOPLE WALKING BY ON THE STREET

SEE ME WHISPERING TO A
6-YEAR-OLD KID.
I CAN BRING YOU IN WARM, OR I

CAN BRING YOU IN COLD.
EVEN THOUGH I CAME TO THE U.S.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS BORN IN

CHILE, AND I HAVE 34 FIRST
COUSINS WHO ARE STILL THERE.
THEY'RE VERY PROUD OF ME.

I KNOW THEY'RE PROUD BECAUSE
THEY GIVE MY PHONE NUMBER TO
EVERY PERSON THEY MEET, WHICH

MEANS EVERY DAY, SOMEONE IN
SANTIAGO WILL TEXT ME STUFF
LIKE, CAN YOU COME TO MY

WEDDING, OR CAN YOU SING MY
PRIEST HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OR IS
BABY YODA MEAN IN REAL LIFE.

SO I HAVE TO BE LIKE NO, NO, AND
HIS NAME IS GROGU.
BUT MY COUSINS WEREN'T ALWAYS SO

PROUD.
EARLY IN MY CAREER, I PLAYED
SMALL PARTS IN EVERY CRIME SHOW.

I EVEN PLAYED TWO DIFFERENT
CHARACTERS ON "LAW AND ORDER."
TITO CABASSA WHO LOOKED LIKE

THIS.
AND ONE YEAR LATER, I PLAYED
REGGIE LUCKMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE

THIS.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CALLED RANGE.

BUT IT IS AMAZING TO BE HERE,
LIKE I SAID.
I WAS BORN IN CHILE, AND NINE

MONTHS LATER, MY PARENTS FLED
AND BROUGHT ME AND MY SISTER TO
THE U.S.

THEY WERE SO BRAVE, AND WITHOUT
THEM, I WOULDN'T BE HERE IN THIS
WONDERFUL COUNTRY, AND I

CERTAINLY WOULDN'T BE STANDING
HERE WITH YOU ALL TONIGHT.
SO TO ALL MY FAMILY WATCHING IN

CHILE, I WANT TO SAY
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]
WHICH MEANS, I LOVE YOU, I MISS

YOU, AND STOP GIVING OUT MY
PHONE NUMBER.

WE'VE GOT AN AMAZING SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
COLDPLAY IS HERE, SO STICK

HOLLYWOOD QUIZ.
HERE'S YOUR HOST, JACK DELL MAR.
♪ LIGHTS SHINE SO BRIGHTLY,

TONIGHT WE DELIGHT IN JAMES DEAN
AND GENE HARLOW ♪
♪ ON THE BIG HOLLYWOOD QUIZ ♪

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW THAT'S ALL
ABOUT ENTERTAINMENT.

LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS.
FIRST, ROBERT IS A PROFESSOR OF
FILM STUDIES AT TISCH SCHOOL OF

THE ARTS.
GREAT TO BE HERE.
FINALLY, MARY HOSTS HER OWN

SHOW ON THE HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD.
WHAT KIND OF SHOW WAS IT, MARY?

IT'S A PODCAST.
OH, OKAY.
WELL, OUR CATEGORIES ARE, THE

MOVIES, THE SHOWS, THE STARS,
AND HOORAY.
ROBERT, YOU'RE FIRST.

THANKS, JACK, WE GOT TO START
WITH MOVIES.
WE GOT TO.

THIS QUESTION IS FROM THE 1950s.
IN ALL ABOUT EVE, SHE SAID,
FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS, IT'S

GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE.
ROBERT, YOU BUZZED IN FIRST.
THE ONE AND ONLY BETTY DAVIS.

YES, THAT'S $500.
THIS SHOW IS FROM THE '80s.
IN 1983, THIS TV SHOW SET IN THE

KOREAN WAR HAD A FINALE WATCHED
BY OVER 100 MILLION VIEWERS.
MASH AND IT WAS WATCHED BY

106 MILLION.
THAT'S IT.
$500 FOR YOU.

GREAT JOB.
NOW LET'S GO OVER TO THE 2020s.
THIS BREAKOUT HIT IS THE CURRENT

NUMBER ONE SHOW ON NETFLIX.
IT'S GINNY AND... ANYONE?
IT'S THE MOST WATCHED SHOW ON

THE MOST WATCHED STREAMING
SERVICE IN THE WORLD.
NO?

GINNY AND...
JUICE?
NO.

IT WAS GINNY AND GEORGIA.
SEASON TWO.
IS THAT FROM EUROPE?

NO.
IT'S TOTALLY AMERICAN. OKAY.

ROBERT, PICK A CATEGORY.
LET'S GO TO HOORA WHY.
THESE ARE ALL ABOUT AWARDS.

STICKING WITH THE 2020s.
THIS FILM WRITTEN AND DIRECTED
BY SARAH POLLEY HAS BEEN

NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE THIS YEAR.
NO ONE?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT HAS AN ALL FEMALE CAST
FEATURING OSCAR WINNER FRANCIS

McDORMAND.
80 FOR BRADY. NO.

ANYONE ELSE?
CAN YOU GIVE US A HINT?
IT'S WOMEN TALKING.

BE MORE SPECIFIC. NO.
THAT'S THE TITLE.

WOMEN TALKING.
THE WONDERFUL FILM.
DO YOU ALL WATCH MUCH TV OR

MOVIES?
I DO.
AT LEAST 12 HOURS A DAY.

YIKES.
HERE'S THE NEXT QUESTION.
JUST LAST WEEK, ANDREA WAS

NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR FOR HER
ROLE IN WHICH MOVIE?
ANYONE?

ANDREA.
THEY SAY IT WAS THE BEST
PERFORMANCE OF HER CAREER.

CAREER?
IT WAS TO LESLIE.
THAT'S RIGHT, TO LESLIE.

IT'S GREAT.
YOU SHOULD REALLY SEE IT BECAUSE
SO FAR, IT'S MADE $27,300.

OKAY.
THAT'S NOT A LOT FOR OPENING WEEKEND.

IT'S BEEN OUT FOR FOUR MONTHS.
CAN I MAKE A REQUEST?

CAN WE DO A QUESTION WITH SOME
BIG MOVIE STARS, PEOPLE WE WOULD
ALL KNOW.

LIKE WHO?
NICOLE KIDMAN. ABSOLUTELY.

THIS PAST YEAR NICOLE KIDMAN
STARRED IN THIS DARKLY FEMINIST
DRAMA ON APPLE TV.

WEDNESDAY?
NO.
ANYONE?

NOBODY?
IT WAS ROAR.
THAT'S RIGHT, ROAR.

NO.
YES.
OKAY.

LET'S DO SAMUEL L. JACKSON.
EVERYONE KNOWS HIM, RIGHT?
THIS PAST YEAR, SAMUEL L.

JACKSON STARRED IN THIS
CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED DRAMA ON
APPLE TV.

WEDNESDAY.
NO.
SORRY.

IT WAS THE LAST DAYS OF PETOLOME GRAY.
COME ON.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
I'M PETOTALLY SERIOUS.
I'M SURE THOSE SHOWS ARE

GREAT, BUT WHERE DID ALL THE
POPULAR MOVIES GO?
THEY'RE STILL HERE.

YOU CAN WATCH THEM ON YOUR PHONE
ON THE TOILET. OKAY.

SINCE NO ONE IS IN THE LEAD,
LET'S MOVE ON TO THE SPEED ROUND.

ROBERT, YOU'RE STILL IN CONTROL.
OUR ERA IS THE '80s.
GREAT.

THE YEAR 1989 FEATURED MOVIES
LIKE THE LITTLE MERMAID, WHEN
HARRY MET SALLY, BATMAN, DEAD

POETS SOCIETY, AND DO THE RIGHT THING.
ROBERT, NAME THREE MOVIES FROM

THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
OH, WOW.
THREE?

OKAY.
WOW.
"TOP GUN."

OKAY.
THAT'S ONE. GREAT.

OH, GOSH.
THE HANGOVER?
THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO.

THE NIGHT. MAN.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE JUST

SAYING WORDS.
COME ON.
ALL YOU NEED IS ONE.

CAN'T YOU JUST NAME ONE MORE
MOVIE?
NOPE.

THAT'S RIGHT, NOPE!
YOU WON THE SPEED ROUND.
YEA!

WHY?
JUST TAKE THE WIN, ROBERT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, THESE THREE

WILL TRY TO GUESS WHAT JULIA
ROBERTS IS DOING ON STARZ.
BYE!

HBO'S THE LAST OF US IS A
HIT SO A VIDEO GAME CAN BECOME A
PRESTIGE DRAMA IN SPRING, HBO IS

DOING IT AGAIN WITH ANOTHER
ICONIC GAME.
IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS SINCE OUR

KINGDOM FELL.
THE ONLY THING WE HAVE LEFT, HOPE.

I HAVE IMPORTANT CARGO I NEED
SMUGGLED TO RAINBOW ROAD.
PEOPLE SAY YOU USED TO DRIVE.

PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF THINGS.
YOU GOT A NAME?
IT'S A-ME, MARIO.

WHAT'S IN THE CARGO?
NOT WHAT. WHO.

SHE'S A PRINCESS.
AT LEAST SHE WAS UNTIL HE TOOK OVER.

WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT ON FOOT.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO.
LET'S A-GO.

FROM THE PRODUCERS OF THE
LAST OF US AND THE MASTER STORY
TELLERS BEHIND MARIO CARTS 1

THROUGH 8.
WHAT'S IT LIKE OUT HERE?
COMING OUT HERE ISN'T A GAME.

IF WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT, WE
NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET.
IT'S A-LUIGI TIME.

EVERYONE ON THIS ROAD WANTS
US DEAD.
WHAT IS THAT THING?

GOOMBA.
FUNGUS, WEARING SHOES FOR LEGS.
DRAMATIC HBO CHARACTERS.

I'M YOSHI.
I'M BISEXUAL.
NAME'S TOAD.

ALSO, I'M BISEXUAL.
HBO PICKED THE WRONG GAME TO
DO THIS WITH, RAVES VARIETY.

YEAH, THIS AIN'T IT, ADDS THE
NEW YORK TIMES.
YOU EAT THAT POISON?

IT MAKES ME FEEL BIG, OKAY?
I NEED TO FEEL BIG!
BECAUSE BOWSER'S OUT THERE.

AND HE'S THE MAIN BAD GUY.
♪
WE'RE OUT THERE IN OUR CARTS,

AND I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME.
I'LL GET YOU TO RAINBOW ROAD.
YOU CAN DO THIS!

NO.
IT'S RED.
WHAT IF WE CRASH?

A LITTLE GUY IN A CLOUD COMES
AND USES A FISHING POLE TO PUT
YOU BACK ON THE ROAD.

AND USES A FISHING POLE TO PUT
YOU BACK ON THE ROAD.
OH, OKAY.

HOW LONG HAS MY HUSBAND BEEN
AWAKE?
SINCE THIS MORNING.

AND HEY, CALL ME DR. JIM.
HE'S STILL VERY WEAK AFTER THE
COMA, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE HE WANTS

TO SPEAK.
OH, MY GOD.
I THOUGHT I LOST MY BEST FRIEND.

THIS IS A MIRACLE.
I KNOW.
LOOK, HE'S WAKING UP!

CHARLIE, HEY, IT'S ME.
WELCOME BACK.
OH, MY GAH.

WHERE AM I?
WHY AM I IN THE BED?
I DON'T GET ANYTHING THAT'S

GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
DOCTOR?
IT'S VERY COMMON.

HE'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE
CONFUSED AT FIRST.
WHY IS EVERYBODY... WHO IS

EVERYBODY?
WHY AM I WEARING PAPER?
DID YOU SAY PAPER?

THAT'S YOUR HOSPITAL ROBE, BUDDY.
YEAH, HONEY, YOU WERE IN A

LITTLE ACCIDENT.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME HONEY?
WHO ARE YOU?

I'M YOUR WIFE. OKAY.
NOT TODAY.

DID HE SAY NOT TODAY?
I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR
EIGHT YEARS.

LET'S JUST PUT A PIN IN THAT.
DOCTOR?
HE MAY NOT RECOGNIZE YOU

RIGHT NOW, BUT THE IMPORTANT
THING IS THAT HE'S UP AND TALKING.

YEAH.
BUT HE'S TALKING WITH THIS LIKE
LA MUSH MOUTH THING.

I'VE LITERALLY NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.
YOU THINK I SOUND LA?

THANK YOU.
I LOVE LA.
HE HAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT

PERSONALITY.
THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND TEMPORARY.

THERE'S EVEN BEEN INSTANCES OF
PEOPLE COMING OUT OF COMAS AND
SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES THEY

COULD NEVER BEFORE.
CAN I SPEAK SPANISH?
LET ME TRY.

SABA, SABA.
SOUNDS LIKE SPANISH TO ME. NOPE.

NOT SPANISH.
IS HIS BRAIN OKAY?
WE'LL FIND OUT.

CHARLIE, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
YOU MEASURE MY LIFE IN HOURS,
AND I SERVE YOU BY EXPIRING.

I'M QUICK WHEN I'M THIN AND SLOW
WHEN I'M FAST.
WHAT AM I?

DUH, YOU'RE A CANDLE
HE'S FINE.
THAT'S HOW YOU TEST FOR BRAIN

DAMAGE?
HONEY, LOOK AT THIS VIDEO.
THIS IS WHAT YOU NORMALLY SOUND

LIKE.
HEY, BABE.
MADE IT TO ARKANSAS.

PRETTY COOL PLACE.
MISS YA. OKAY.

HE'S THE HOTTEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN.
WHY DOES HE LIVE IN ARKANSAS?

NO, CHARLIE.
THAT'S YOU.
YOU WERE ON A BUSINESS TRIP IN

ARKANSAS.
THAT'S WHERE YOU GOT HIT BY THAT
PARTY CITY TRUCK.

THAT'S SO NICE.
AND WHO ARE YOU?
ANOTHER WIFE?

NO, I'M NOT YOUR WIFE.
I'M YOUR SISTER.
LET'S PUT A PIN IN THAT.

WHY DOES HE KEEP WANTS TO PUT
A PIN IN THINGS?
ARE YOU SURE HIS BRAIN IS OKAY?

?
ABSOLUTELY.
WATCH THIS.

CHARLIE, IDENTIFY THESE OBJECTS,
OKAY?
BALL, BEE, BOAT, BABY.

HE'S FINE.
GREAT JOB, CHARLIE.
OH, THANK YOU.

PLEASE, I WANT MY OLD CHARLIE BACK.
LOOK AT HIM.

NAH.
I'M WAY SKINNIER THAN HIM.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LOST 50

POUNDS IN THE COMA.
OH, GOOD FOR ME.
DOCTOR, ARE YOU... I JUST

DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE THIS.
OH, MY GOD.
DON'T CRY.

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY.
COME ON, HOLD MY HAND.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

AND DESPITE WHAT THEY SAY, I CAN
SPEAK SPANISH.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS

YOU'RE MY SOUL MATE, AND YOU AND
I... YOU AND I ARE GOING TO BE FINE.

SEE HOW HE'S SOUNDING CLEARER
ALREADY?
BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT,

PEOPLE ALWAYS...
[ LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE ALWAYS... AND THAT'S THE

TRUTH.
OKAY.
THAT'S SOUNDING A LITTLE...

WHAT DO I DO?
MEET HIM WHERE HE'S AT. CHARLIE.

REALLY?
YEAH.
AND...

NOW I'M GOING CRY, AND I LIKE
NEVER CRY.
BRING IT IN, YOU GUYS.

OKAY, STUDENTS OF SAINT
LAWRENCE HIGH SCHOOL, WELCOME TO
YOUR ASSEMBLY ABOUT TECHNOLOGY

USE.
SETTLE DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
HERE TO GIVE THE PRESENTATION,

PLEASE WELCOME YOUR FAVORITE
TEACHER, MR. BEN.
MR. BEN!

THANK YOU.
I THINK. OKAY.

LET'S START.
FIRST RULE, DO NOT ACCESS
IMPROPRIETY CONTENT ONLINE.

AND DO NOT BULLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
COME ON, GIRL.

EAT IT UP.
THANK YOU.
I THINK.

AND HERE'S A NEW RULE.
AS OF TODAY, DO NOT MAKE FANCAMS
OF SCHOOL STAFF SUCH AS THIS.

♪
NO!
SKINNY LEGEND, WHY ARE YOU DOING

THIS?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE
THOUSANDS OF FANCAMS OF ME, AND

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY MEAN, BUT
I KNOW IT HAS TO STOP.
BUT WE MAKE THEM BECAUSE

YOU'RE OUR BELOVED, AND YOU HAVE
US IN A CHOKE HOLD!
OKAY.

DON'T SAY THAT.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DO
YOU MAKE SPARKLY FAST ROMANTIC

MONTAGES OF ME EVERY SINGLE DAY
LIKE THIS.
♪

I MEAN, WE DON'T MAKE THEM
EVERY DAY. YEAH.

JUST ON THE DAYS YOU SEND US OR
GIVE US LIFE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

DON'T WORRY.
IT JUST MEANS YOUR FOOT IS
ALWAYS ON OUR NECKS.

SEE.
♪
IS THAT ME RIGHT NOW?

HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT SO FAST,
AND HOW DID YOU TAKE OVER ACCESS
TO THE MONITOR?

MR. BEN, WHY YOU SO MAD?
YOU'RE IN YOUR ASSEMBLY ERA.
I'M NOT MAD.

I'M CONFUSED.
IS THE WAY I ATE THIS UP A
COMPLIMENT BECAUSE IT WAS NOM,

NOM DELISH AND HAD YOU GAG?
EXACTLY.
WE LOVE YOU DOWN, MR. BEN.

YOU'RE SO FATHER, PERIOD. OKAY. SEE.

BUT IF FANCAMS ARE... IF...
OKAY.
IF FANCAMS ARE BECAUSE I'M

FATHER, THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE
FANCAMS OF LADY LUNCH PAULINA?
BECAUSE PAULINA IS MOTHER.

♪
KIDS ON PHONE TOO MUCH.
GROW UP WRONG.

GUYS, I'M TRYING TO
UNDERSTAND IF FANCAMS ARE GOOD
OR BAD.

DID YOU MAKE A FANCAM OF LUNCH
LADY PAULINA TO MAKE FUN OF HER?
NO.

WE MADE IT BECAUSE SHE ATE US UP
AND LEFT NO CRUMBS.
THAT'S IT.

FANCAMS ARE OFFICIALLY BANNED
FROM SCHOOL.
NO!

WHY, MR. BEN?
THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT, BUT
YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

MID.
I'M SORRY.
I WANT TO BE A COOL TEACHER.

I KNOW I'M YOUR BIAS AND THAT I
ALWAYS MUNCH ON IT, BUT I JUST
DON'T GET IT.

WHAT'S... WHY DOES YOUR
GENERATION HAVE TO MAKE EVERYONE
A CELEBRITY?

WHY DO YOU FILM EVERYTHING?
WHY?
FINE.

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
IT'S CUZ COVID.
WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
BECAUSE THREE YEARS COVID
MADE US ONLINE FOREVER.

BECAUSE COVID LOCK US DOWN
WHEN WE ARE 11, AND NOW WE ARE
14, SO NOW WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU

DADDY.
BECAUSE MOMMY WORKS REMOTELY
ALL DAY AND DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO

EAT IT UP NO CRUMBS LEFT, SO WE
MADE YOU DADDY AND MS. JENNY MOMMY.

WHAT?
WHY IS MS. JENNY MOMMY?
GUYS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'VE TOLD YOU, THERE IS NOTHING
GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND MR. BEN.

OH, REALLY?
THEN EXPLAIN THIS.
♪

HONEY, THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH
SO MUCH.
LET'S JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

MS. JENNY AND I, WE'RE IN LOVE.
OOH!
FINE, IT'S TRUE.

HE'S DADDY, I'M MOMMY, AND WE'RE
ALL A HAPPY FAMILY.

NO CRUMBS LEFT.
YEAH!
♪

THE CORNER, AND WING PIT HAS
YOUR PARTY COVERED.
WINGS ARE HERE!

WE'VE GOT GAME DAY SPECIALS
THAT WILL KEEP THE WHOLE PARTY
HAPPY, LIKE OUR TOUCHDOWN TRAY.

TWO DOZEN WINGS AND TWO
SAUCES FOR ONLY 24.99.
THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN BOTH

AGREE ON.
OR CALL
AN AUDIBLE.

AND TRY THE STREAM PLATTER.
JUICY BUFFALO WINGS FOR ONLY 39.99.

NOW WE'RE TALKING.
AND IF YOUR PARTY IS REALLY
RAGING, GO FOR TWO WITH WING PIT

TAILGATE FEAST.
20 DOZEN WINGS, FIVE
ETHNICALLY TROUBLING SAUCES AND

A GALLON OF RANCH FOR JUST 89.99.
THANK YOU.

WE'RE PROBABLY GOOD ON WINGS, THOUGH.
BUT YOU COULD BE GREAT ON

WINGS.
WITH WING PITS NEW TRAY OF TEARS.

600 OF OUR SUCCULENT WINGS
PLUS 16 BUTT-DESTROYING SAUCES
AND A KEG FULL OF RANCH

FOR ONLY 205.99.
WE DON'T NEED ALL THAT.
BUT YOU WANT IT JUST LIKE YOU

WANT WING PIT'S THE CHICKEN SMOOTHIE.
IT'S 40 LIQUEFIED WINGS MIXED

WITH 80 PROOF ALCOHOL.
MUST BE OVER 12 TO ORDER.
OVER 12?

AND IF YOU'RE THIRSTY FOR
MORE, TRY THE CARNAGE PLATTER.
3,000 WINGS

PACKED IN A BLACK CONTRACTOR BAG
THROWN STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR
WINDOW IN TIME FOR KICKOFF.

HEY, IF YOU DON'T STOP, I'M
CALLING THE POLICE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK BECAUSE WE

OWN THE POLICE.
WING PIT DONATES MILLIONS TO
POLICE CHARITIES SO WE CAN

OPERATE WITH TOTAL IMMUNITY.
AND THAT LETS US SERVE YOU
THE CHICK NOBLE.

5,000 WINGS, 10,000 BEANS, A
FULL GALLON OF HOT SAUCE
AIR-DROPPED RANCH.

ALL PUMPED INTO YOUR PARTY
VIA CEMENT SHOOT.
OH!

AHH!
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
TO HONOR THE CHICKEN GOD OF

DEATH.
NO, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

YOUR FATE IS SEALED.
WING PIT.
LET THE SLAUGHTER BEGIN.

COLDPLAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪

♪ YOU AND ME ♪
WE'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY
GREATEST STORY OF US

ONE FOR THE CENTURIES ♪
♪ I SAW YOU I WAS BROKE OPEN
TORE RIGHT INTO TWO

I NEVER SAW ANYTHING
AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ♪
♪ IF I WOKE UP

AND ALL THIS WAS JUST A DREAM
I WANT TO TELL YOU
JUST WHAT YOU MEAN ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU
THERE IS NO ONE ELSE
I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU
THERE IS NO ONE ELSE
I FEEL THIS WAY

I'VE NEVER FELT ♪
♪
♪ YOU AND ME

WE'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY
WE'RE IN THIS LIFE
TOGETHER ♪

♪ SOME THINGS
ARE MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ SAW YOU I WAS BROKEN OPEN

TORE RIGHT INTO TWO
I NEVER SAW ANYTHING
AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ♪

♪ IF I WOKE UP
AND ALL THIS WAS JUST A DREAM
I WANT TO TELL YOU

JUST WHAT YOU MEAN ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU
THERE IS NO ONE ELSE

I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU
THERE IS NO ONE ELSE

I FEEL THIS WAY
I NEVER FELT ♪
♪ I FEEL THIS WAY

I NEVER FELT
OH OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE
I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE ♪
♪ A LIFE
A SPARKLE IN YOUR EYES

HEAVEN COMIN' THROUGH ♪
AND I LOVE YOU ♪
♪

♪ I REALLY DO
OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE
THERE IS NO ONE
I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU
THERE IS NO ONE ELSE
THERE IS NO ONE

FEEL THIS WAY I NEVER FELT

♪
THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MICHAEL CHE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.

I'M COLIN JOST.
EARLIER TODAY, AN AMERICAN
FIGHTER JET SHOT DOWN A

SUSPECTED CHINESE SURVEILLANCE
BALLOON THAT HAD BEEN SPOTTED
CROSSING THE UNITED STATES,

OFFICIALLY ENDING HISTORY'S MOST
COMPLICATED GENDER REVEAL PARTY.
BAD NEWS FOR CHINA, IT'S A GIRL.

CHINESE OFFICIALS CONDEMNED THE
DECISION TO DESTROY THE BALLOON
SAYING IT WAS A CIVILIAN

AIRCRAFT.
BUT EVEN THEY CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

THE REVIVED A.P. AMERICAN
HISTORY CLASS REMOVED THE
CLASSES THAT FLORIDA SAYS HAVE

BEEN PROBLEMATIC.
INSTEAD THEY REPLACED IT WITH
AUTHORS THEY CALL ONE OF THE

GOOD ONES.
REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS
SAID THAT HE IS STEPPING ASIDE

FROM HIS COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS
TO PREVENT BEING A DISTRACTION.
HE ADDED THE LAST THING I WANT

IS ATTENTION.
THEN HE SACHEED AWAY IN A
FEATHER BOA.

IT WAS ALSO REPORTED HE LIED
TO CAMPAIGN DONORS THAT HE WAS A
PRODUCER OF SPIDERMAN, TURN OFF

THE DARK, THOUGH HE DID END UP
WORKING WITH THE GREEN GOBLIN.
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE... THANK

YOU... SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
KEVIN McCARTHY SEEN HERE WANTING
TO KNOW IF SOMEONE YOU OR YOU

KNOW HAS BEEN INJURED IN A CAR
ACCIDENT MET IN PERSON WITH
PRESIDENT BIDEN ABOUT THE DEBT

CEILING AND SAID THEY HAD A GOOD
CONVERSATION. IT WENT SO WELL, BIDEN LET HIM

PICK A COUPLE OF CLASSIFIED
DOCUMENTS OUT OF A BOWL.
THE FBI SEARCHED PRESIDENT

BIDEN'S DELAWARE BEACH HOUSE BUT
FOUND NO CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.
ALSO, THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY

TELLS THAT YOU BIDEN GOT
BILLIONS FROM CHINA, REMEMBER
HIS BEACH HOUSE IS IN DELAWARE.

IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT DONALD
TRUMP'S GOLF COURSES WILL HOST
THREE LIV GOLF TOURNAMENTS THIS

YEAR, FURTHERING TRUMP'S TIES TO
SAUDI ARABIA.
MAKES SENSE, SAUDI ARABIA NEEDS

VENUE FOR GOLF TOURNAMENTS, AND
DUMP NEEDS OIL FOR THAT BIG OLE
DUMP TRUCK.

SENATE VOTED TO DESIGNATE
JANUARY NATIONAL STALKING
AWARENESS MONTH, WHICH IS A GOOD

REMINDER WE'RE ONLY A FEW WEEKS
AWAY FROM STALKER CHRISTMAS.
TOO CLOSE TO HOME?

WOW.
FLORIDA HAS PROPOSED LEGISLATION
THAT WOULD ALLOW RESIDENTS TO

CARRY FIREARMS WITHOUT A PERMIT.
ALSO, EVERYONE GETS TO DO ONE MURDER.

NEWLY RELEASED VIDEO OF A
DEPOSITION TO NEW YORK'S
ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE SHOWS

FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP TAKING
THE FIFTH HUNDREDS OF TIMES.
ALSO TAKING A FIFTH, HIS LAWYER.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, TWO
BROTHERS WILL BE FACING OFF
AGAINST EACH OTHER IN THE SUPER

BOWL.
INCIDENTALLY, TWO BROTHERS IN

THE SUPER BOWL IS WHY MY
GRANDFATHER WON'T BE WATCHING.
OH IN FEBRUARY, MAN, WOW.

AND PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS PHIL.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, THINGS ARE
BLEAK OUT THERE.
RIDE IT OUT, I GUESS.

YOU SEEM PRETTY DOWN.
I THOUGHT IT WAS A BIG DAY FOR YOU.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF ME?
A WEATHER PREDICTING GROUNDHOG
IN THE YEAR 2023?

I'M USELESS.
I'M LIKE A CONDEMN IN NICK
CANNON'S WALLET.

BUT YOU DID SEE YOUR SHADOW?
I'M SEEING MY SHADOW EVERYWHERE.

CLIMATE CHANGE HAS MADE IT ALL USELESS.
IS WINTER STILL HERE?

I JOGGED IN MY SHORTS THE OTHER DAY.
YOU JOG?

IT'S A RESOLUTION.
I WASN'T ABOUT TO DO DRY JANUARY.

ALCOHOL, THE ONLY COOL WAY TO
WET THE BED.
YOU KNOW THE CORE STOPPED?

THE EARTH'S CORE STOPPED SPINNING. LOOK.

SEE.
JUST STRAIGHT UP STOPPED.
THEY WANT ME TO GO TO WORK?

I'M A GROUNDHOG.
I LIVE CLOSE TO THE CORE, CHE.
NOT THAT CLOSE, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH

WHEN IT STOPPED SPINNING, I WAS
LIKE, WHOA, YOU GUYS FEEL THAT?
MIND IF I DO A BUMP REAL QUICK?

NO.
AT THE AFTERPARTY, ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW THE MOON'S THE SUN NOW?

WHAT?
LOOK.
BECAUSE OF WILDFIRES, THIS IS

WHAT THE SUN LOOKS LIKE IN
CALIFORNIA FOR LIKE WEEKS AT A TIME.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ON A STAR WARS
PLANET, AND NOT EVEN A GOOD ONE.
LIKE ONE OF THOSE DUSTY POOR

ONES.
YOU KNOW FOR ME, THIS IS SPACE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

WELL, GROUNDHOGS LIVE UNDER
GROUND, SO TO ME, THIS IS SPACE.
HOUSTON, REQUESTING OXYGEN

BREAK.
TIME IS AN ILLUSION.
YEP, SCIENCE GUYS ARE SAYING

THIS.
IT'S NOT JUST AN EXCUSE I USE
WHENEVER MY OLD LADY SAYS I

MISSED OUR ANNIVERSARY.
WE STEP OUT, GUYS LIKE US, DON'T
WE SM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN GUYS LIKE
US?
COME ON.

I'M PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL.
SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR.

YOU'RE A BAD GROUNDHOG.
I'M NOT A BAD GROUNDHOG.
I JUST LIKE GOOD BEAVER.

OH, MAN.
BUT SERIOUSLY, I'M TRYING TO
KEEP MY MIND RIGHT BY GETTING

BACK TO THE BASICS, TOUCHING THE
GRASS, EATING THE GRASS, SMOKING
THE GRASS.

YOU KNOW, THOSE TOP HAT PEOPLE
TOUCH ME.
THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I DRINK.

WHAT?
YOU HEARD ME.
LOOK, AT THE END OF THE DAY, I

JUST WANT TO LIVE A LONG
PEACEFUL LIFE AND DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES.

THAT'S ACTUALLY VERY SWEET.
WELL, FOR A GROUNDHOG,
NATURAL CAUSES MEANS GETTING

OBLITERATED BY AN 18 WHEELER.
OH, MY GOD, MAN.
THEY SAY YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL

THEY SAY YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL IT.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO BRING
BACK THE LONG EXTENSION DODO
BIRD, BUT ONLY FOR A LIMITED

TIME AT ARBY'S.
WE HAVE THE DODO BIRDS.
AMC THEATERS IS CELEBRATING

BLACK HISTORY MONTH BY OFFERING
$5 TICKETS TO RECENTLY RELEASED
BLACK LED MOVIES.

THEY'RE ALSO HONORING BLACK
PEOPLE BY STARTING THE MOVIE 20
MINUTES LATE.

DO YOU GET THAT, COLIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT.
POLICE OFFICIALS IN COLORADO SAY
THAT A BEAR DISCOVERED A WILD

LIFE CAMERA IN THE WOODS AND
POSED FOR MORE THAN 400 SELFIES.
400 SELFIES OF A BEAR IS ALSO

KNOWN AS A GRINDER PROFILE.
THE U.S. SURGEON GENERAL IS
WARNING THAT CHILDREN ARE

JOINING SOCIAL MEDIA AT TOO
YOUNG AN AGE, AND THEY SHOULD
WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE AT LEAST 16,

WHEN THEY'RE HOTTER.
A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT
DESPITE WOMEN MAKING LESS MONEY

THAN MEN, MORE SINGLE WOMEN IN
THE U.S. OWN HOMES THAN SINGLE
MEN, THANKS TO A PHENOMENON

ECONOMISTS CALL DIVORCE.
A SCHOOL OFFICIAL IN ILLINOIS
HAS BEEN ARRESTED ON CHARGES OF

STEALING OVER $1 MILLION WORTH
OF CHICKEN WINGS, SAID THE

OFFICIAL, I SWEAR, I WAS GOING
TO GIVE ALL THE MONEY... BOCK!
NO.

BE CROWNING ITS NEW KING AND
QUEEN SOON, LAUNCHING A NEW ERA
OF THE BRITISH MONARCHY.

HERE TO COMMENT OR BRITISH
RAPPERS MILLIE FOUNDS AND SHIRTY.

THANKS, CHE.
SO, GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY?

CAN YOU GIVE US AN UPDATE?
RIGHT, RIGHT, LISTEN, MATE.
ALL THE FOCUS IS ON THE ROYALS

WHEN IT SHOULD BE ON ENGLAND'S
EXPLOITIVE TABLOID PRESS.
IT'S PANTS, MATE.

IT'S PANTS.
WHAT IS PANTS?
IT'S PANTS.

WE KNOW WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN.
WE'VE KNOWN HARRY SINCE OUR DAYS

AT EDEN.
YOU GUYS WENT TO EDEN?
YEAH.

EATING YOUR MOM'S BUM. NO.
BUT SERIOUSLY.

LOOK, LOOK.
IF YOU WANT US TO SUM UP OUR
THOUGHTS TAKE OUT THE PODS AND

HEAR ME, ALL RIGHT?
BECAUSE WE HAVE A WAY OF TALKING.

ACTUALLY, MILLIE POUNDS. YEAH.
♪ PRINCE HARRY, PRINCE HARRY,

STAYED OVER AT TYLER PERRYS, I'M
ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪
♪ HARRY AND MEGHAN, RONALD

REAGAN, INTERRACIAL DATING,
QUEEN SAID NOT TODAY ♪
♪ I SLIDE DOWN THE ROAD LIKE...

GIRL SAW ME LIKE... BECAUSE I
STAY HOT LIKE YOUNG ♪
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, NO.

STOP.
WHO IS YAN WUDUS?
CHE, WHY DID YOU STOP IT,

MATE?
WE SHARED SO MANY FACTS.
YOU REALLY DIDN'T.

IT'S NOT ALL CHICKEN SHOPS
AND TEA.
BUT I THINK THIS NEXT VERSE WILL

REALLY SHINE A LIGHT ON WHAT'S
HAPPENING WHERE WE COME FROM.
ALL RIGHT?

♪ PRIME MINISTER, YOU KNOW THAT,
HE GOT STYLES LIKE HARRY, I'M
ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪

♪ YOUR BOYFRIEND IS POOR, I MAKE
MORE, I CHAT ONLINE WITH YOUR
GIRL BECAUSE I STAY UP LIKE

YAN WUDUS ♪
OKAY.
WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT IS... WHAT IS THAT?
I GREW UP IN NEW YORK IN THE
'90s, SO I CONSIDER MYSELF A

PRETTY FRESH GUY WHEN IT COMES
TO HIP HOP, BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD
THAT BEFORE.

BACK HOME, WE DON'T REALLY
HAVE GUNS, DO WE?
BOP, BOP.

BUT WE DO HAVE LITTLE TINY
KNIVES WE CARRY WITH US AT ALL
TIMES, AND THOSE KIND OF SOUND

LIKE SHSHSH.
BUT WHO IS YAN WUDUS.
A SEMI FOOTBALL PLAYER FROM

THE '80s.
YOU LIKE SOCCER.
CAN YOU TELL US HOW THE BRITS

FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE
♪ CORRUPT, YOUR GIRL TOLD ME

WHAT'S UP, TRY TO SEE THAT
BUTT ♪
♪ I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪

FOR ♪

JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW MY MOM CAN

BE PRETTY PROTECTIVE OF ME, AND
I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO GET
SCARED OFF.

DON'T WORRY.
WE'RE GOOD. OKAY.

WE'RE HOME!
I'M COMING!
MAMA!

MAN OF MY LIFE.
MY COLLEGE BOY, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

YOU DON'T CALL ENOUGH, BAD BOY,
I KILL YOU.
I PUT YOU IN JAIL.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
WELL, I LOVE YOU TOO, MAMA,
AND I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, BRITNEY.
YES, MS. FLORES, I'M BRITNEY.
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE CUTE.
YOU DRESS LIKE A BOY.
I LIKE THAT.

MAMA, LET'S EAT.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
AND MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME

NEVER TO COME EMPTY HANDED, SO I
DID BRING SOME VEGAN SLIDERS.
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

VEGAN SLIDERS.
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?
YES.

BUT IN A GOOD WAY.
DON'T WORRY.
MAMA, WE'RE HUNGRY.

AND THIS LOOKS GREAT.
WHERE SHOULD I PUT THESE?
I'LL TAKE IT.

THANK YOU.
SIT, SIT.
EVERYTHING LOOKS SO GREAT,

MAMA.
THANK YOU.
SO, BRITNEY, WHAT ARE YOU

STUDYING?
I'M ACTUALLY STUDYING FINE
ART WITH A CONCENTRATION IN 17th

CENTURY BROKE ARCHITECTURE.
SO SHE DOESN'T LIKE MONEY?
MAMA, PLEASE, BRITNEY WANTS

TO BE AN ART PROFESSOR ONE DAY.
SO SHE'S A LESBIAN.
MAMA, PLEASE.

NO, NO
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]
BROKE ARCHITECTURE.

MAMA, POR FAVOR.
VAN GOGH, PICASSO, VEGAN SLIDERS.

THIS IS A NICE WHITE GIRL.
SUN SCREEN
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

ULTIMATE FRISBEE.
OH, MY GOSH. LISTEN.

I'M SO SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOU
IN ANY WAY.
I ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR

SON.
LIKE, LOUIS, DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN YOU WERE HAVING TROUBLE

CONCENTRATING FIRST SEMESTER...
OH, NO, NO.
AND I SET YOU UP WITH MY

FAMILY DOCTOR.
WHAT?
NOW HE'S ON A.D.D.

MEDICATION, AND HE'S DOING A LOT BETTER.
MY SON DON'T HAVE A.D.D.!

HE JUST LIKES TO JUMP!
OH, WELL, A.D.D. ISN'T
ANYTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT

DEMI LOVATO HAS IT.
FAMILY DOCTOR...
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

NORMALIZE A.D.D.
SHE HATES ME.
SHE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU.

MAMA...
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]
UNISEX APPAREL.

[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]
"WHITE LOTUS"
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

HEY, MAN, WANT TO GET SOME SWEET
GREEN?
WHAT IS SHE SAYING?

[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]
LONG TERM, OKAY?

NO.
WHAT?
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

ONE NIGHTSTAND.
HIT IT AND QUIT IT, HIT AND DIP.
I DON'T CARE.

THAT'S OKAY.
THAT WAS ALL ENGLISH.
I WOULD JUST LOVE TO START OVER.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST EAT?
THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS,
MS. FLORES.

BUT BEFORE WE EAT, MIND IF I SAY
GRACE?
GRACE.

OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE
WAS A WOMAN OF GOD?
NOW WHERE ARE MY GRAND CHILDREN?

THIS PLACE IS SO CUTE. YEAH.
YEAH LOOK AT ALL THOSE GRAPES

ON THE WALL. YES. PLEASE.

WELCOME TO ANGELINO'S REAL
ITALIAN RESTAURANT.
AND THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

TABLE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY.
AWW!

BELLA, BELLA, BELLA, BELLA...
SMART.
I BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE MENUS.

DID HE SAY SMART?
THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.
YEAH, MAYBE HE LIKES YOU

MORE.
EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE A WATER FOR YOU.

BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA,
BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA... AND A
FUNNY ONE.

DO I LOOK WEIRD TODAY OR
SOMETHING?
NO, NO.

NO WAY. NEVER.
NOW, LET ME GUESS.

YOU ARE A MODEL?
OH, YOU'RE SWEET.
NO, NO.

YOU ARE A STATUE. NO.
I'M A NURSE.

NO.
THIS IS A CRIME. OKAY.

I TRY AGAIN.
YOU ARE A WRITER. NO.

I'M ACTUALLY AN ACTOR.
I WAS EVEN IN A MOVIE.
OH, YES.

BABADOOK.
I'M NOT THE BABADOOK.
JUST GO.

WHAT IS MY VIBE TODAY?
LADIES, I WANT TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO CHEF DINO.

HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU A GIFT, A
LITTLE BITE.
OH, YES.

FOR SUCH A BEAUTY, YOU DESERVE
SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.
OH, PRETTY.

FOR YOU, FOR YOU, AND FOR
YOU... CHILI.
CHILI?

THIS IS HUGE.
OH, YES, A BIG BOY CHILI. ENJOY.

WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE THAT
HERE?
I THINK IT'S NICE THEY MADE

YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL. YEAH. YEAH.

LADIES, DO YOU HAVE A
QUESTION ABOUT THE MENU?
YES.

CAN I GET THE SPAGHETTI WITH
EXTRA MEATBALLS?
ANYTHING FOR YOU.

NOW, I HAVE A QUESTION.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
OH, THAT IS SO SWEET, BUT I'M

ALREADY MARRIED.
OH, LUCKY MAN.
ACTUALLY, I'M MARRIED TOO.

OH, TO YOUR CAREER.
OH, MY GOD.
JEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

GOING ON.
THOSE TWO GUYS SERIOUSLY JUST
HAVE WEIRD TASTE.

CANDLES FOR THE LADIES.
AND LET ME JUST UNSCREW THIS LIGHT.

MUCH BETTER.
AND YOUR HARLEY DAVIDSON IS
LEAKING OIL ALL OVER THE STREET.

CAN YOU MOVE IT?
I DON'T DRIVE A HARLEY.
OH, MY MISTAKE.

WHATEVER.
WHERE IS OUR WAITER?
YES.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
CAN WE JUST ORDER?
AND BY THE WAY, I ACTUALLY AM

BEAUTIFUL.
EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL.
AND YOU MOST OF ALL BECAUSE IT'S

THE KIND THAT'S ON THE INSIDE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE HAD ENOUGH INSULTS.

I'M JUST GOING TO GO HOME AND
HAVE A SALAD.
OH, THIS IS SO SAD.

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?
YEAH, EVERYTHING YOU SAID.
WHY WERE YOU LIKE THAT TO HER?

OH, I MUST CONFESS.
WHENEVER THERE'S A GROUP OF
WOMEN, WE TEAM UP AGAINST ONE

AND FLATTER THE OTHERS FOR MORE TIPS.
IS THAT BAD?

YEAH.
YEAH.
I MEAN, IT WAS DEFINITELY

WORKING ON ME.
I WAS GOING TO GIVE THE BIGGEST
TIP OF MY LIFE.

BUT, HEY, YOU SERIOUSLY
MISREAD OUR FRIEND BY THE WAY.
WHAT WAS THAT?

IT IS YOUR FRIEND.
SHE'S OUTSIDE. LOOK.

LOOK.
SO SMART.
BIG BOY CHILI.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ BOYS BOYS DON'T CRY
BOYS KEEP IT ALL INSIDE

I TRY TO HIDE IT
UNDERNEATH ♪
♪ BUT STILL MY HEART

STARTS TO BEAT
MY HUMAN HEART
ONLY GOT A HUMAN HEART ♪

♪ I WISH IT DIDN'T RUN AWAY
I WISH IT DIDN'T FALL APART
OH MY HUMAN HEART ♪

♪ NIGHT AND DAY
AND LIGHT AND DARK ♪
♪ ANY DAY

IT COULD BE TORN IN HALF
ONLY GOT A HUMAN HEART ♪
♪

♪ WHEN YOU TRY YOUR BEST
BUT YOU DON'T SUCCEED
YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT

BUT NOT WHAT YOU NEED ♪
♪ WHEN YOU FEEL SO TIRED
BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP

STUCK IN REVERSE ♪
LET'S GO.
♪ LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME

AND IGNITE YOUR BONES
AND I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU

♪
♪
THANKS TO PEDRO AND VERONICA.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
HEY!
♪ TEARS STREAM

DOWN YOUR FACE
WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING
YOU CANNOT REPLACE ♪

♪ TEARS STREAM
DOWN YOUR FACE AND I ♪
TEARS STREAM

DOWN YOUR FACE ♪
♪ I PROMISE YOU
I WILL LEARN

FROM MY MISTAKES ♪
♪ TEARS STREAM
DOWN YOUR FACE

AND I ♪
♪ LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME
AND IGNITE YOUR BONES

I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

SHAYNA.
TO SHAYNA.
HERE COMES... LET'S NOT

FORGET HER BABY SISTER LISA WHO
FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM TEMECULA
TO CELEBRATE WITH US.

IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
THAT'S CUTE.

BUT DON'T THINK I'M GIVING UP
THE BUTT TONIGHT.
I'M SORRY.

WHAT?
SHE'S JUST KIDDING.
DON'T MIND HER.

SORRY FOR THE WAIT.
YOUR STEAK SHOULD BE COOKED TO
YOUR LIKING NOW.

THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.
EXTRA EXTRA WELL DONE.
THANK YOU.

LISA, DO YOU ALWAYS ORDER
STEAKS LIKE THAT?
I DN KNOW YOU COULD GET THEM

EXTRA EXTRA WELL.
UH-HUH.
COOK MY MEAT.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE ONE SPECK OF RED.
I CAN'T BE SICK TONIGHT, I GOT

TO BE IN COURT IN THE MORNING.
YOU'RE A LAWYER?
YEAH.

SHE'S ACTUALLY THE LEAD
LITIGATOR ON A CLASS ACTION SUIT
AGAINST WALMART.

COUPLE OF THEIR COINSTAR
MACHINES EXPLODED.
I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT

HAPPENED NEXT.
THAT'S REALLY AMAZING OF YOU.
I REALLY ADMIRE THAT.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR
LITTLE FRIEND?
HE'S DOING THE MOST TRYING TO

GET SOME BUTT TONIGHT.
EXCUSE ME?
OH, MY GOD.

NOTHING, PAUL.
GIRL, DON'T START WITH THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO

SIT HERE AND EAT MY STEAK IN PEACE.
WELL, ANYWAY.

I... I DIDN'T TELL YOU GUYS, BUT
A FEW NIGHTS BACK, THIS DOG
FOLLOWED ME HOME.

I'M ABOUT TO TEAR THIS THING UP.
WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR, HE...

HE JUST SPRINTED INSIDE.
THAT MAN DIDN'T GIVE ME NO KETCHUP.

I'M RUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE
TRYING TO CATCH HIM.
YOU GOT KETCHUP OVER THERE?

GIRL, CAN YOU JUST EAT?
YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE
NASTY WITHOUT KETCHUP?

SO ANYWAY, I... I GUESS I HAD
TWO BONES IN MY BASEMENT.
THAT'S SO CRAZY.

I GOT TO CUT YOU A PIECE OF
THIS STEAK.
THIS STEAK IS BUSSIN.

OH, MY GOD.
CAN YOU JUST CHILL?
HE'S TRYING TO TELL A STORY.

YOU HEARD THE MAN.
I HEARD HIM.
HE SAID HE GOT CHASED BY A DOG.

OKAY.
OKAY.
LISA.

OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

LOOK.
TODD...
THE MAN.

ANTONIO BANDERES OVER HERE
TRYING TO GET SOME BUTT WHILE HE
GOT KUJO LIVING IN HIS BASEMENT.

JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN ON YOU.
EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

WE HAVE BEEN GETTING COMPLAINTS.
OH, BECAUSE WE BLACK?
WE OVER HERE MINDING OUR

BUSINESS.
I'M JUST MAKING SURE
EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

ACTUALLY, EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.
THERE IS WINE ALL IN THEIR FOOD.

IT'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR NOW.
Y'ALL NEED TO DO BETTER. LISA.

YES, ANTONIO.
I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T... YOU
DON'T WANT TO BE SICK TOMORROW,

BUT YOU HAVE BEEN SAWING THAT STEAK.
THIS IS A MESS BECAUSE OF YOU.

OKAY.
NOW HOLD UP NOW.
I'M NOT GOING TO LET Y'ALL

CORNER MY BABY SISTER LISA WHO
CAME ALL THE WAY FROM TEMECULA
ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
DOES MY SISTER HAVE TERRIBLE
LISTENING SKILLS?

1,000%.
BUT SHE'S THE ONLY SISTER I'VE
GOT.

WE THE YOUNGEST OF SIX GIRLS.
BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY,
SHE'S MY FAMILY, AND THERE

BETTER NOT BE A RED DAMN SPECK
ON THAT PLATE.
COOK MY MEAT.

OKAY?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
Y'ALL HAVEN'T HAD IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
Y'ALL HAVEN'T HAD IT.
I'M GOING TO CUT Y'ALL A

FERDINAND, SINGERS, SARAH
PAULSON, AND THIS AMAZING CAST
THAT TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME,