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1
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:58,849
GIRL:
They're fighting again!
2
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,148
Oh, boy.
3
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,985
Don't! Wait! Not my homework!
4
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,570
No! Stop it! No!
5
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,280
Problem, gentlemen?
6
00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:14,865
Hey, dork-brain!
7
00:01:15,116 --> 00:01:21,080
If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.
8
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,581
You're calling me a girl?
9
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,124
You called me one!
10
00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,918
You asked for it.
11
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:28,670
Ow!
12
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:33,008
Now get out of here!
13
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,177
[BELL RINGS]
14
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,015
Forget those guys.
15
00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:43,519
They're jealous because you're
smart and funny.
16
00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:45,687
And girls like that.
17
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,606
What girls?
18
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:49,650
Lots of girls.
19
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,861
I mean... I like you.
20
00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:56,949
I don't like you. Now everybody
thinks I need a girl to fight for me.
21
00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,326
You are a dork-brain.
22
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,998
My nose!
23
00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:09,461
Wimp!
24
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:31,733
Moe and Larry in the house.
25
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,321
Grant, what have we got out back?
26
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:38,448
All clear here, sir.
27
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,325
Matthews, what do you got?
28
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,579
Returnable cans, sir.
29
00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:45,747
I think I'm up to 75 cents.
30
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,709
CLONSKY:
Hey, we got a cab.
31
00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,212
Here comes Curly.
32
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,068
Yep, the Three Stooges.
33
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,870
CLONSKY:
Check it out, Ivan's packing.
34
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:29,875
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
35
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,803
Thank you! We've got a briefcase.
36
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,139
Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.
37
00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,933
No disc yet.
38
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,397
Case is opening.
39
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,401
This woman's ass is in the way.
40
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:03,242
Hart, we can't see a goddamn thing.
We need to see the discs.
41
00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,788
CLONSKY: This broad's got two asses!
MCDONALD: Hart, do something!
42
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,581
Excuse me.
43
00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:11,667
You wanting something else?
44
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:15,462
Yeah. You know what?
I really love this borscht.
45
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:18,173
Or, as they say in Russian:
46
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,176
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
47
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:26,265
- All right, Hart. We got the discs.
- We're moving in!
48
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,199
FBI! Get down on the ground! Now!
49
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,159
- Get down on the ground!
- Do it!
50
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,870
Keep your hands where I can see them!
51
00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,208
No English.
52
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,586
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
53
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:10,225
Hart! Nobody moves until I see
some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!
54
00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:17,232
Sir, he's turning purple!
55
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:20,068
Hart, until we secure, you stay.
56
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:27,993
- Sir.
- Hart!
57
00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:32,581
Sir, that is one really, really
purple Russian, sir!
58
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,250
MCDONALD:
He's still armed! Nobody moves!
59
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,502
Hands up! Back off! Back off!
60
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,632
- No, sir. He's not gonna die.
- Hart!
61
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,551
He's not good enough for that.
62
00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:49,931
His victims didn't get a chance
to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?
63
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,101
Now you're going down.
64
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,732
Drop the guns or I'll kill her.
65
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:00,776
KRASHOW:
Ivan, out the back.
66
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:04,071
You're not killing anyone,
you peanut-eating bastard.
67
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,408
Step back!
68
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,122
Move it! Move it!
69
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,419
[SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN]
70
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,309
Party's over, boys.
71
00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,484
How's your head, my little piroshki?
72
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:46,988
This is gonna put you away
for a long time. You know that?
73
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,324
Let's get that ambulance in here!
74
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,662
- Shut up!
MCDONALD: Stay with me, all right?
75
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,957
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry. You did a great job!
76
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,461
[SIRENS WAILING]
77
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,808
Nice work. See you back there, okay?
78
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,441
Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.
79
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:25,819
I got Grant shot.
I shouldn't have moved.
80
00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:27,946
Come on, you made a choice.
81
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,949
It was wrong, but that's it.
It's over.
82
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:34,035
By the way, you look like hell.
83
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,426
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
84
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,578
- Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie.
- Good morning, Gracie.
85
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:40,996
[PHONE RINGS]
86
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,414
Hart.
87
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,873
Yes, sir.
88
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,376
ETA, 20 minutes.
89
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,129
No problem. Breakdown?
90
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:53,883
Yes, sir. Negative.
Do not need assistance.
91
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,761
Ten-four, sir. Yes, I know it's hot.
92
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,599
[SIREN WAILS]
93
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,455
Hey, you cannot park...
94
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,919
It's an emergency. Official business.
95
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,547
Ma'am, aside, please. Thank you.
96
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,300
Official business, sir.
Emergency. Step aside.
97
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,552
Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.
98
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:39,888
FBI. You might want
to stay out of this.
99
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,224
Excuse me.
Sir, ma'am, please back off.
100
00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:47,562
All right. I need eight double-tall...
101
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,984
Eight double-tall lattes.
One with no foam.
102
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,862
Five decaf lattes with a long straw.
103
00:10:56,072 --> 00:11:00,075
Four caramel macchiattos. Double up
on the cup. I got a long way to go.
104
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,453
Two blueberry scones
with the little granules on top...
105
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,538
...and one Starbucks compilation CD.
106
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,042
- No! I would like...
- Oh, jeez.
107
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,219
What's going on? Where's McDonald?
108
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:21,888
Could we put out an APB
on my Frappuccino?
109
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:25,433
It's in the bag. Did he say anything
about last night?
110
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:29,187
Relax. Don't annoy him.
Don't say anything. Don't argue.
111
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,107
I don't argue. I never argue.
When do I argue?
112
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,276
I might have a heated discussion
with somebody.
113
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,446
Is this you not arguing?
Because you suck at it.
114
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,115
MCDONALD:
Morning, everybody.
115
00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:42,492
Morning, sir. It's...
116
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:44,452
Sir.
117
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,204
Okay, everybody.
118
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:50,208
I know you're all concerned
about Grant's condition.
119
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,585
So I'm happy to report...
120
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,715
...Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be
out of the hospital in two weeks.
121
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,425
He says he's expecting lots of gifts.
122
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:01,803
Okay, everybody.
123
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:06,141
So much for the good news. We got
another letter from the Citizen.
124
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,852
Arson, explosives, poison...
125
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,771
...this guy never works
the same way twice.
126
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:15,483
The only thing we know for sure...
127
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,987
...is, we get these letters full
of incomprehensible riddles...
128
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,656
...he strikes and suddenly
the clues make sense.
129
00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:24,576
This one is down in Intelligence.
130
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:27,829
Hopefully, we'll get a lead
before somebody gets killed.
131
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,164
In the meantime...
132
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,292
...Matthews, get a team together.
133
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:35,378
Sir, you want me to take point?
134
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,672
For five years you've wanted it.
135
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:41,259
Last night, you earned it.
Pick your team.
136
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:44,137
I want preliminaries by 3.
That's it.
137
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,347
Sir...?
138
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,352
Who's buying me lunch?
139
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,856
Sir, I would like to talk
about what happened last night.
140
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,691
I didn't exactly follow orders...
141
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:59,360
"Exactly" follow orders?
There's no such thing.
142
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:01,529
You follow orders or you don't.
143
00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:03,698
No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.
144
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,909
Until the hearing,
you're out of the field.
145
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,328
The hearing is totally warranted.
146
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:11,164
Wouldn't I be better
on the Citizen case?
147
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,708
I have a background
in profiling and decoding.
148
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,210
- No.
- I could contribute.
149
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,045
Like you contributed last night?
150
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,297
By putting yourself
and five agents in jeopardy?
151
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,674
I'll save the rest
for the review board.
152
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:25,053
You will bury yourself
under a mountain of paperwork.
153
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,222
Discussion is over.
154
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,408
Mike, give me a pint.
155
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:48,993
Rough day?
156
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,829
The worst.
157
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,372
Sure you want a whole one?
158
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:55,708
Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.
159
00:13:55,960 --> 00:14:00,547
Hey, Einstein. If you figure out
that Citizen letter, let me know.
160
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:05,552
Congratulations on the op.
It's a big shot.
161
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,345
Thanks.
162
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,597
How are you doing? You okay?
163
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,266
I'm good.
164
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,853
You're starting early today.
165
00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:17,897
Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.
Want to join me?
166
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:21,234
I'd love to, but I have
a pressing social engagement.
167
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:22,944
Beth!
168
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,863
Brownie meeting.
169
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,574
- Mike, give me a beer and...
- Um...
170
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:29,409
Milk. Give her milk.
171
00:14:29,785 --> 00:14:31,536
White wine spritzer.
172
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,205
Are most of the people in here agents?
173
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:37,500
As a matter of fact, here's
an agent. Gracie Hart.
174
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,252
Beth Carter.
175
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,297
Right back to you.
176
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:46,134
Beth is an undergrad at Vassar,
doing a paper on law enforcement.
177
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,219
I'm helping her get an inside look.
178
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,597
I bet she'll do the same for you.
179
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:54,100
Gracie, I would love to get
a woman's point of view.
180
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,645
You're barking up the wrong tree.
Right, Hart?
181
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:02,442
Do all the women have to wear
those really masculine shoes?
182
00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:09,407
I get these made special by the guy
that put the tattoo on my ass.
183
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,410
We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry.
Catch you later.
184
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,288
- Nice meeting you.
- You too.
185
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,626
Hope you have a good time at the mall.
186
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,544
Wohop is the place.
187
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,089
Wohop is good, but if you like
variety, you go to La Chinita Linda.
188
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,758
Their rice and beans are slamming.
189
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,677
I don't want variety.
I get pork fried rice every...
190
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:33,097
I figured it out! I tried to create
a content-based pattern...
191
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,599
...similar to his previous letters.
192
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,643
But this time, he used a signifier.
193
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,187
In this case, the word "miss"...
194
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:42,982
...in the subsequent letters.
Will you let me finish?
195
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,193
It's the Miss United States Pageant.
196
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,196
Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.
197
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:49,864
What do we got?
198
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:53,534
Miss United States from San Antonio,
Texas, home of the Alamo.
199
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,078
I forgot the Alamo.
200
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:58,456
The pageant lasts three days.
Preliminaries, conferences...
201
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,542
...the live telecast.
It's a logistical nightmare.
202
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,044
Not just a babe-fest.
203
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:06,631
Jesus, we've only got 48 hours.
204
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,967
Okay, gentlemen.
205
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,219
Where do we start?
206
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,641
I got a cousin in Texas.
207
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:20,979
You might want to call the network and
pageant people. Set up a meeting.
208
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:26,317
Because you'll probably need
their cooperation.
209
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,069
Yeah.
210
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,405
Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that.
211
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,240
What about jurisdiction?
212
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,993
The Citizen has been ours
from the start.
213
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,578
You might want to call San Antonio.
214
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:40,039
Grease some wheels so they like us...
215
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:41,833
...when we need manpower and tech.
216
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,418
While I'm at it, let's do that.
217
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:44,752
Good idea.
218
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,714
He loves to make a splash.
His target will be public...
219
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:50,717
...like one of these outdoor prelims
or a TV broadcast.
220
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:52,760
Telecasters at the convention center.
221
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:56,723
We're gonna need surveillance
on the interior perimeter.
222
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,517
We'll need more.
There's a million places...
223
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:03,354
...only these bikini-stuffers can go:
backstage areas, hotel rooms...
224
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,440
We need to get somebody in there.
225
00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,859
Yeah! Now I'm thinking...
226
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:09,777
...undercover.
227
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,446
Good idea, boss.
228
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:13,031
I got just the girl.
229
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,869
- Huh? Huh?
- All right.
230
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:19,912
That's nothing. Check this out.
231
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:23,458
Compliments of my daughter:
the "Dress Up Sally" web site.
232
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,969
What did I tell you? Hot, right?
233
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,220
Yeah, baby.
234
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,723
You got a little problem.
235
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,266
She's perfect!
236
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:41,642
Look to the left.
237
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,146
Down... down...
238
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,191
HART: There you go.
ERIC: "On maternity leave"?
239
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,650
That's not gonna work.
240
00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:52,570
Not unless it's
"The Miss Lamaze Pageant."
241
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,286
Can you do a search?
242
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,331
Female field agents under 35.
243
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:16,761
Jensen, Jensen!
244
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:21,015
[MUMBLING AND LAUGHING]
245
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,818
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got it, I got it!
246
00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:43,788
Oh, no!
247
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,289
That's right, that's right!
248
00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,379
You think that's good?
Check this out.
249
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,047
I got the winner right here.
250
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,340
Scorekeepers ready?
251
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,223
This is the best part.
252
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,063
Oh!
253
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:16,404
He's right behind me, isn't he?
254
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,531
Not really my color, is it?
255
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:20,908
Sir, we were just...
256
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,245
...looking for someone
to go undercover at the pageant.
257
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:27,165
And I'm the best we have.
258
00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:29,292
It doesn't inspire much confidence.
259
00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,419
Get back to work.
260
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,590
- Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk?
- Yes, sir.
261
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,677
You don't say anything?
Made me look like an idiot.
262
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,513
HART:
Do I have eyes in the back of my head?
263
00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:45,266
- He was standing right behind me.
- What were we gonna say?
264
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,559
- What?
JENSEN: This one.
265
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:48,936
ERIC:
Are you kidding? It's Hart.
266
00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:51,522
Cut it off. Let's go back to work.
267
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:56,819
Very funny.
268
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,571
Hold on. That's not bad.
269
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:03,367
Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button
because you won't see that again.
270
00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:11,459
- What do you say?
- No freaking way.
271
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:12,752
Why not?
272
00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,796
I won't parade around in a swimsuit
like some bimbo...
273
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:19,884
...named Gracie Lou Freebush,
and all she wants is world peace.
274
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,553
It wouldn't be like that.
275
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:24,972
You'd be on the undercover team.
276
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,058
Right. In a thong.
277
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,645
In a tasteful one-piece!
278
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,397
You do a few butt-shaping exercises...
279
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:34,982
...you could pull this off.
280
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,776
You know what? Pull this off.
281
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:38,653
Is it because McDonald hates me?
282
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,988
Or is it, like, a woman thing?
283
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:46,869
Don't kid yourself.
Nobody thinks of you that way.
284
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,251
He's punishing me, isn't he?
285
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,836
I had to beg him to let you do this.
286
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:58,673
That's right. Like it or not,
you screwed up, pal.
287
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,258
Sit down, sit down.
288
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,184
I've never been in a beauty pageant.
289
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:13,521
I don't even own a dress.
I don't even own a brush.
290
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,314
Ow, Jesus. Oh.
291
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:19,527
Which part of that
is supposed to shock me?
292
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,204
Let's suspend reality for a second...
293
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:31,872
...and pretend I said yes.
294
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,166
I got to do everything? Like...
295
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:37,003
...the whole big hair
and the makeup and...
296
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,212
Damn right.
297
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:42,675
The spinning, the twirling, the
smiling, the cute little tap number.
298
00:21:44,219 --> 00:21:45,386
Hundred bucks on Matthews.
299
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,930
I don't know. She's got rage.
300
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:51,976
I'll take that bet.
301
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:03,321
- That's right. That's right.
- Yeah!
302
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:05,239
Yeah, baby.
303
00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:08,242
So you're saying...
304
00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:10,828
...I have to wear the bathing suit?
305
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:14,332
Yeah, you have
to wear the bathing suit.
306
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:16,250
Okay.
307
00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:20,421
You go, girl.
308
00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:25,092
Where am I gonna put my gun?
309
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,845
No place I want to know about.
310
00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:33,392
What could possibly motivate anybody
to enter a beauty pageant?
311
00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:35,895
Scholarship money,
a chance to see the world...
312
00:22:36,104 --> 00:22:37,980
...broaden your horizons...
313
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:41,525
So join the Marines. It's like
feminism never even happened.
314
00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:45,780
Any woman that does this is catering
to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.
315
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:48,074
I dated Young Miss Scarsdale.
316
00:22:48,283 --> 00:22:50,242
Can you really be this superficial?
317
00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,119
Hard to believe, right?
318
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:53,371
Here we are.
319
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,624
ERIC: Therefore, we'd like to use
one of our team undercover.
320
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:58,542
Am I hearing this correctly?
321
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:03,130
Kathy, these people want
to put one of their agents...
322
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:04,799
...in the pageant.
323
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,133
They want her to win?
324
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,010
No, ma'am.
325
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,097
We will need your help
with the judging...
326
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:13,641
...so our agent is in the top five...
327
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,811
...to have access to
all the areas at all times.
328
00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:19,313
- Absolutely not.
HART: Miss Morningside...
329
00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:21,732
...we understand how important
this beauty pageant...
330
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:23,317
Excuse me.
331
00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:25,736
This is not a beauty pageant.
332
00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,988
This is a scholarship program.
333
00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,950
And it has been ever since my reign.
334
00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:34,161
I fully intend on maintaining
that credo.
335
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:35,788
ERIC:
Absolutely, Miss Morningside.
336
00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:38,624
We're here to protect the girls.
Women.
337
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,084
Scholarship ladies.
338
00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:45,589
There's nothing more important to me
than the safety of my girls.
339
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:48,676
I'd rather cancel the pageant
than have them blown up.
340
00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:50,803
Especially without their knowledge.
341
00:23:51,471 --> 00:23:54,682
We went to the network to cancel,
but they refused.
342
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,100
We can't force them.
343
00:23:57,686 --> 00:23:58,811
I'm confused.
344
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:00,855
What state is she going to be from?
345
00:24:01,064 --> 00:24:03,023
All the winners have been chosen.
346
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:07,862
We recently discovered some
information about Miss New Jersey.
347
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,699
And her performance in a little
film called Arma Get It On.
348
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:13,868
Was that her?
349
00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:15,494
Oh, yeah!
350
00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:19,373
She was gonna drop out pretty soon,
if you know what I mean.
351
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:26,046
Do you have an agent in mind?
352
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:31,886
Sorry.
353
00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:36,474
Let me get you
Victor Melling's number.
354
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:37,683
Frank.
355
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,477
He's our pageant consultant.
356
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,187
Frank.
357
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:43,522
Maybe he can do something to help.
358
00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:44,732
Frank!
359
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,318
Oh! Just one minute.
360
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,155
This is my assistant, Frank Tobin.
361
00:24:51,531 --> 00:24:53,199
Hi, everyone.
362
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,202
Would you get these people
Victor's number, please?
363
00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:57,745
And get me a spring water.
364
00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:59,580
And tuck in your shirt.
365
00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:03,918
That, that was... a water for you...
366
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:05,419
...and...
367
00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:08,130
Victor Melling's number.
368
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:20,100
Thank you. Thank you.
369
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:24,522
Mr. Melling.
370
00:25:24,731 --> 00:25:25,773
How are you?
371
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:34,073
If you are Grace Hart,
I quit here and now.
372
00:25:36,576 --> 00:25:38,369
I'm having a bad hair day.
373
00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:41,038
Bad hair decade, really.
374
00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:42,957
I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.
375
00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:44,792
Your hair is perfect.
376
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,877
However, I can't accept this job.
377
00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:49,964
There's no way I can make
this woman ready in two days.
378
00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:53,717
Please, Mr. Melling,
give it a chance. Sit down.
379
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:56,178
Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.
380
00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:59,932
I suppose that would be
the civilized thing to do.
381
00:26:01,476 --> 00:26:05,312
I'll take a rain check.
I got to take care of some FBI stuff.
382
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,315
That thing I told you
about that I gotta do.
383
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:11,485
But I'll see you later.
We'll hang out. You like caps?
384
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,321
I'll get you an official FBI cap.
385
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,198
See you later.
386
00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:18,409
What a pity.
387
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:21,495
- Are you hungry?
- Yeah.
388
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:23,706
- Yes.
- Yeah.
389
00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:27,334
It is always "yes,"
never "yeah." Sit down.
390
00:26:28,628 --> 00:26:32,631
Miss United States is always
well-spoken and polite.
391
00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,091
Do you understand?
392
00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:35,634
Watch the hands, garçon.
393
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,469
- Excuse me.
VICTOR: It's all right.
394
00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:41,181
I have a feeling we're going to need
a drop cloth later.
395
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,447
VICTOR: Could I have another
cabernet sauvignon?
396
00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:58,198
Another keg for you?
397
00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:01,285
- I'm good, thanks.
VICTOR: That's okay, Philip.
398
00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:05,205
So, how long have you been doing
this pageant-training thing?
399
00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:06,373
I'm sorry?
400
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:11,378
What was the question? I was
distracted by a half-masticated cow...
401
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:14,548
...rolling around
in your wide-open trap.
402
00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:16,550
Excuse me? What is your problem?
403
00:27:16,801 --> 00:27:17,885
- Problem?
- Yeah.
404
00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:20,679
I mean, yes.
Have I offended you in some way?
405
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:24,892
You've been completely antagonistic
to me from the second I walked in.
406
00:27:25,143 --> 00:27:27,853
I was once the most
sought-after, highly paid...
407
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,189
...consultant in pageant history.
408
00:27:30,398 --> 00:27:32,399
I had no idea.
409
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:37,404
Every season, girls would plead
with me to train them.
410
00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,865
Ten out of 11 years...
411
00:27:40,075 --> 00:27:42,076
...my girls were crowned.
412
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:45,788
The year we lost,
the winner was a deaf-mute.
413
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,706
You can't beat that.
414
00:27:50,251 --> 00:27:51,335
Then...
415
00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:53,921
...in '96...
416
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:58,008
...my girl froze like a puddle halfway
through her aria from La Bohème.
417
00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:01,845
Afterwards, she told
a reporter from Pageant Magazine...
418
00:28:02,055 --> 00:28:03,806
...that I was a perfectionist...
419
00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:07,685
...who had harangued her
to within an inch of her sanity.
420
00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,438
Of course,
after that article came out...
421
00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,775
...nobody wanted me.
422
00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:21,615
Okay. With all due respect here...
423
00:28:21,866 --> 00:28:24,326
...why did Miss Morningside
suggest you?
424
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:27,287
Because I am the best.
425
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:35,129
Or perhaps it's because everyone else
worth having had a contestant.
426
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:39,717
They had their Southern belles,
their Midwestern farmers' daughters.
427
00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:42,845
Spunky Western cowgirls.
428
00:28:43,096 --> 00:28:44,138
And I have...
429
00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:46,056
[CRYSTAL HUMS]
430
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:47,766
...Dirty Harriet.
431
00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:53,564
Will you desist?
432
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:54,940
Yeah.
433
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:56,734
Yes.
434
00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:03,407
Oh, my God.
435
00:29:03,616 --> 00:29:05,826
I haven't seen a walk like that
since Jurassic Park.
436
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:10,080
It's been working really well for me
for the past 30 years, all right?
437
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,249
Well, glide, now. Glide.
438
00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:15,335
Don't look down, don't look down.
439
00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:20,090
Don't look down, look up. Your chin
should be parallel to the floor.
440
00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:21,884
Now glide. Glide.
441
00:29:22,635 --> 00:29:25,012
It's not the bloody Ice Capades.
442
00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:26,764
Gliding.
443
00:29:27,599 --> 00:29:31,018
No, no. Don't pick your feet up.
Don't pick your feet up.
444
00:29:31,352 --> 00:29:32,770
Why are you picking your feet up?
445
00:29:33,021 --> 00:29:34,772
Because I'm preparing to run away.
446
00:29:34,981 --> 00:29:36,648
- No, wait. Wait.
- What?
447
00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:37,858
Watch me.
448
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:39,777
Glide. Glide.
449
00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,115
See? Glide.
450
00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:48,035
It's all in the buttocks.
Don't I look pretty?
451
00:29:48,495 --> 00:29:51,205
It takes a very secure man
to walk like that.
452
00:29:55,126 --> 00:29:56,543
Roll your hips.
453
00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:59,630
Head up, head up. Keep gliding...
454
00:30:00,548 --> 00:30:01,840
I'm gliding here!
455
00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:03,133
CABBIE:
What are you, blind?
456
00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:04,718
Asshole.
457
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:42,589
VICTOR:
Look how she walks. She's floating.
458
00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:46,176
Lightly ascending
from cloud to cloud...
459
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:48,095
...towards heaven.
460
00:30:49,764 --> 00:30:52,015
He takes one look at that fake rack...
461
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:54,101
...he's gonna send her right back.
462
00:30:57,063 --> 00:31:00,899
Look, she's gonna cry again.
"If I only had a brain!"
463
00:31:01,901 --> 00:31:04,570
I am somewhat less than amused.
464
00:31:12,453 --> 00:31:14,079
How's she doing?
465
00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:17,499
With some intensive work...
466
00:31:17,792 --> 00:31:21,044
...she'll be ready for the world's
finest trailer park.
467
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:23,255
Thank you!
468
00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:29,136
Both painful...
469
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:30,888
...and grotesque.
470
00:31:31,306 --> 00:31:32,639
Isn't it?
471
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,770
Oh, my God!
472
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:52,284
Mr. Vic, we got everything
you asked for. Where do we start?
473
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:54,620
Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.
474
00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:56,038
Which one first?
475
00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:58,582
What are you gonna do to my teeth?
476
00:31:58,791 --> 00:32:02,169
VICTOR: Hopefully, remove the beer
stains and steak residue.
477
00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:06,173
Can't I get some Novocain?
478
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:07,841
It's only a cleaning.
479
00:32:08,092 --> 00:32:10,344
Sweeney Todd, what are you doing?
480
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:12,471
Your hair should make a statement.
481
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,557
As long as it's not,
"Thanks for the Country Music Award."
482
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,851
You'll be lucky
if I can get it untangled.
483
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:19,102
No mercy.
484
00:32:19,312 --> 00:32:20,520
Can I borrow that drill?
485
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:25,275
WOMAN OVER SPEAKER:
Attention. Attention.
486
00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:29,696
All hair removal units,
wax, electrolysis, laser...
487
00:32:29,864 --> 00:32:32,950
...to commence at 2300 hours.
488
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,204
[HART GROANS]
489
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:40,123
HART:
Hello. Ah!
490
00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:48,715
[HART SCREAMS]
491
00:32:54,889 --> 00:32:56,056
Bikini wax.
492
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:09,111
How you doing?
493
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,862
Ever seen one this big?
494
00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:12,614
Sandwich, I mean.
495
00:33:13,032 --> 00:33:14,825
That's a lot of meat.
496
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:20,747
Thank you!
497
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:23,417
Nobody said this job was easy.
498
00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:29,214
Mm, mm, mm.
499
00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:41,393
This earpiece lets you hear anybody
on our frequencies.
500
00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:44,438
I don't need it. With all this foil,
I'm getting HBO.
501
00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:47,274
This is a pin camera.
502
00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:49,443
There's an actual lens in there.
503
00:33:49,652 --> 00:33:52,529
It provides a digital video
feed to our hookups.
504
00:33:53,406 --> 00:33:55,198
Here's your new IDs.
505
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,534
Pageant identity.
506
00:33:58,411 --> 00:34:00,037
Gracie Lou Freebush?
507
00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:01,747
I remembered you liked that.
508
00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:05,250
Well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.
509
00:34:08,796 --> 00:34:11,298
More... fluffy.
510
00:34:11,799 --> 00:34:14,593
Eyebrows. There should be two.
511
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,808
Another two coats. And a sealant.
512
00:34:22,268 --> 00:34:23,602
Unbelievable.
513
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:29,107
Where the hell is she? What could
possibly be taking this long?
514
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,002
["MUSTANG SALLY" PLAYS]
515
00:35:03,184 --> 00:35:04,684
ERIC:
Hart, is that you?
516
00:35:04,852 --> 00:35:08,021
I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair,
I haven't slept...
517
00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:11,608
...l'm starved and I'm armed.
Don't mess with me.
518
00:35:12,026 --> 00:35:13,360
Ooh.
519
00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:17,114
I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.
520
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:21,952
Yeah, that's her.
Mr. Vic, nice work!
521
00:35:22,161 --> 00:35:23,328
Thank you.
522
00:35:24,622 --> 00:35:26,248
My God, I'm good.
523
00:36:04,745 --> 00:36:06,872
ERIC:
Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.
524
00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:09,708
"Operation Thong" has commenced.
525
00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:12,836
Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
526
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:15,380
I knew she'd like that one.
527
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:17,799
KATHY:
Victor?
528
00:36:18,301 --> 00:36:20,051
Try not to speak.
529
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:22,095
Victor!
530
00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:25,098
Miss Morningside, if it's possible...
531
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:27,434
...you look more radiant than ever.
532
00:36:28,436 --> 00:36:31,062
Then I guess it's possible.
Hello.
533
00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:32,439
Hi.
534
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,609
Miss Hart?!
535
00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:38,069
I mean, Miss Freebush.
536
00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:43,116
Victor, I see you haven't
completely lost your touch.
537
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:45,243
You look absolutely perfect.
538
00:36:45,536 --> 00:36:48,872
And you're just in time
for the orientation breakfast.
539
00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:51,333
You'll take the bags to the room?
540
00:36:51,542 --> 00:36:53,752
It's been a while
since you've been with us...
541
00:36:53,961 --> 00:36:56,254
...but you remember
how everything goes.
542
00:36:57,089 --> 00:37:00,258
One little mistake
and I'm a bloody bellhop.
543
00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:04,137
Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!
544
00:37:04,430 --> 00:37:06,389
Washington. Nice apples.
545
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,559
Original. You come up with that
all by yourself?
546
00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:13,730
- Miss Freebush!
- I got it. I got it.
547
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:15,982
New Jersey? Welcome.
548
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:23,156
[CHATTERING]
549
00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:30,121
WOMAN 1: Who's she?
WOMAN 2: Have you seen her before?
550
00:37:33,584 --> 00:37:36,294
Oh, hey, New Jersey?
This one's empty.
551
00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:39,756
Thanks.
552
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:42,509
- I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island.
- Hi, I'm...
553
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:46,429
Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized
the orientation pamphlet.
554
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:49,349
I know all 49 ladies
by name and picture.
555
00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:51,268
Fifty, including myself.
556
00:37:51,477 --> 00:37:55,647
Your picture wasn't there, so I knew
it was you from your lack of picture.
557
00:37:56,941 --> 00:38:00,277
How about a little song for the drive?
558
00:38:00,486 --> 00:38:02,988
I think you know the one I mean.
559
00:38:04,323 --> 00:38:07,826
From sea to shining sea
560
00:38:08,035 --> 00:38:11,454
Like Lady Liberty
561
00:38:11,664 --> 00:38:16,501
She reigns over all she sees
562
00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:20,922
She's beauty and she's grace
563
00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:23,466
She's Miss United States
564
00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:29,472
Entering Barbie-town.
565
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,141
We're up and running.
566
00:38:31,350 --> 00:38:33,018
CLONSKY:
I love my job!
567
00:38:33,227 --> 00:38:35,020
- Not a bad view.
- Not at all.
568
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:37,689
There's our table!
569
00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:39,941
CHERYL: I got here three days early
so I could...
570
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:42,902
CLONSKY:
Look at all the hoochie mama!
571
00:38:43,070 --> 00:38:44,362
Not the pastry!
572
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:51,077
Ladies, I would like you to meet
Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.
573
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:53,538
Karen Krantz, New York.
574
00:38:53,748 --> 00:38:55,040
What's up, Jersey?
575
00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:58,084
- Mary Jo Wright, Texas.
- Hi there.
576
00:38:58,252 --> 00:39:00,337
CHERYL: Belinda Brown, Tennessee.
- Hi.
577
00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:01,755
- I like that!
- Oh, yeah!
578
00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:04,090
Leslie Davis, California.
579
00:39:04,258 --> 00:39:05,342
Hey, girl.
580
00:39:05,551 --> 00:39:07,844
And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.
581
00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:09,262
Aloha.
582
00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:10,889
Aloha to you too!
583
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:15,769
I want you all to know, I believe what
it says on the sign at the Alamodome.
584
00:39:15,978 --> 00:39:17,604
We are all winners.
585
00:39:17,980 --> 00:39:20,440
ERIC:
Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?
586
00:39:20,608 --> 00:39:24,110
Most important, we're getting our
issues out there for people to hear.
587
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:27,030
And it's an honor
to have made it this far.
588
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,699
Especially when you're
from a small state...
589
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:31,576
That's so true!
590
00:39:31,786 --> 00:39:34,204
- Us Rhode Islanders...
- I wasn't finished.
591
00:39:36,248 --> 00:39:37,540
Did it sound like I was?
592
00:39:37,750 --> 00:39:38,875
I'm sorry.
593
00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:41,294
Why are you apologizing to her?
594
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,546
She's been drinking
too much Coppertone.
595
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:46,257
- Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, I am.
596
00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:48,301
Question:
597
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:53,014
In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha"
for hello and goodbye?
598
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:54,974
So?
599
00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:58,895
If you're on the phone with
someone who won't stop talking...
600
00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:01,564
...and you say "aloha,"
don't they start again?
601
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:10,323
At least she thinks I'm funny.
602
00:40:10,991 --> 00:40:12,909
Hart? Hart, do you copy?
603
00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:16,329
- What's up?
- I don't know. It's not working.
604
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:20,166
- It worked five minutes ago.
- Who put it together?
605
00:40:25,131 --> 00:40:27,257
Check one, check one...
606
00:40:29,677 --> 00:40:32,262
Thank you so much. Thank you.
607
00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,597
For the past 21 years...
608
00:40:34,807 --> 00:40:38,184
...it has been my honor to serve
as director of this pageant.
609
00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:42,021
And I know that this year will be
our most exciting event ever!
610
00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:47,569
Couple of geniuses I'm working with.
611
00:40:47,778 --> 00:40:51,781
After the rehearsal and a photo shoot,
you can settle into your rooms.
612
00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:55,368
Tomorrow we will
begin the preliminaries...
613
00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:58,037
...hosted by our
master of ceremonies...
614
00:40:58,205 --> 00:41:01,166
...an American institution,
Stan Fields.
615
00:41:06,338 --> 00:41:08,882
STAN:
Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy!
616
00:41:10,468 --> 00:41:12,552
Let's go! Get it back online!
617
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:14,220
HARRIS: We're working on it.
CLONSKY: We're trying.
618
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:15,972
Thank you, Kathy.
619
00:41:16,223 --> 00:41:18,391
Isn't she ravishing?!
620
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,519
How does she do it?
621
00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:26,608
I look in the mirror and say,
"Who's that old man in my pajamas?"
622
00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:34,157
And even though I'll be
retiring this year...
623
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,912
Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.
624
00:41:39,622 --> 00:41:42,415
That's so sad. He's retiring.
625
00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:44,417
He's not retiring.
626
00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:47,629
I spoke to him this morning,
and he blurted it out.
627
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:52,217
They're firing him, going
for someone newer and younger.
628
00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,553
I hope it's Ricky Martin.
629
00:41:56,430 --> 00:41:57,764
Hey, hey, hey.
630
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,726
Jesus Christ!
631
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,187
Oh.
632
00:42:07,441 --> 00:42:09,400
Oh, I uh...
633
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:14,739
I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel
and I forgot to pray.
634
00:42:18,577 --> 00:42:20,787
Dear Jesus, please forgive me...
635
00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:24,541
...for not praying before I had
a bite of my bagel and schmeer.
636
00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:26,042
Thank you very much.
637
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:27,794
Amen.
638
00:42:36,971 --> 00:42:39,889
[ABBA'S "DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS]
639
00:43:25,352 --> 00:43:26,352
- Hi!
- Hi.
640
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:28,354
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
641
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:31,024
Oh, no, I was just, you know...
642
00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:32,525
...grooming.
643
00:43:32,776 --> 00:43:35,528
I made some of my famous
hot chocolate.
644
00:43:38,490 --> 00:43:39,866
Oh, um...
645
00:43:40,743 --> 00:43:44,621
My roommate's asleep,
or she's starting to mold.
646
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:47,540
But do you want to come in?
647
00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:59,677
CHERYL:
I asked some of the other girls...
648
00:43:59,887 --> 00:44:02,889
...but when they heard "chocolate"
they slammed their doors.
649
00:44:03,182 --> 00:44:05,892
They didn't give me a chance
to say "nonfat."
650
00:44:07,394 --> 00:44:09,145
Well, here's to...
651
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:11,272
...world peace.
652
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:13,316
World peace.
653
00:44:15,361 --> 00:44:16,569
Mmm.
654
00:44:18,697 --> 00:44:19,781
Mm.
655
00:44:20,366 --> 00:44:21,407
Hot.
656
00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:22,742
I'm sorry.
657
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,078
I have to tell you...
658
00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:29,666
...I thought it was really great
how you settled that argument today.
659
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:31,918
"Aloha, aloha."
660
00:44:32,086 --> 00:44:33,836
That's why you're gonna win.
661
00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:35,922
You're so clever.
662
00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:39,550
You should tell jokes for your talent.
What is your talent?
663
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:43,179
It's... It's kind of like...
664
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:46,307
It's, you know,
it's like a surprise.
665
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,351
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
666
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:51,187
But don't worry,
it's nothing embarrassing.
667
00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:54,732
Not anything like baton twirling
or anything.
668
00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:58,945
So, what's your talent?
669
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:03,700
Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.
670
00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:07,829
Twirling can be a real art.
671
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:11,541
I saw this cheerleader doing it
at a football game.
672
00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:15,628
She lit her batons on fire
and did this sexy dance.
673
00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:17,797
I wish I could do something like that.
674
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:19,048
Why can't you?
675
00:45:19,299 --> 00:45:22,051
My parents don't like
anything ostentatious.
676
00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:24,595
And they really don't like fire.
677
00:45:26,598 --> 00:45:30,977
Cheryl, I think you have as good
a chance as anyone to win.
678
00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:34,230
You believe in yourself
to have gotten this far, right?
679
00:45:35,065 --> 00:45:36,649
- Really?
- Yeah.
680
00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:38,609
Wow.
681
00:45:39,903 --> 00:45:43,489
You're so nice and so smart
and so sensitive.
682
00:45:43,657 --> 00:45:45,408
You're definitely gonna win.
683
00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:46,617
That's it.
684
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:51,080
Excuse me. I am in the middle
of a REM cycle over here.
685
00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:52,915
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
686
00:46:10,392 --> 00:46:11,934
Yes.
687
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,484
[KNOCKING]
688
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:26,532
Not happening.
689
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:32,872
- What?
- You took your earpiece out.
690
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,624
- Vic needs you.
- Now?
691
00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:37,502
- I haven't slept in two days!
- I'll give you a cookie.
692
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:39,921
It better be a big one.
693
00:46:42,216 --> 00:46:44,634
VICTOR:
You don't walk, you float.
694
00:46:44,843 --> 00:46:47,970
Gently descending,
you don't look down.
695
00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:51,974
Go back up and do it again.
Never, ever look down, okay?
696
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:54,310
Thighs touching...
697
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:57,230
- Touching, not clenching.
- I'm touching.
698
00:46:57,439 --> 00:47:01,442
There's a gap between knees and calves,
your calves and your ankles.
699
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:05,238
Right now there's a huge gap between
my brain and my spinal cord.
700
00:47:06,865 --> 00:47:08,574
Here. Take these.
701
00:47:27,261 --> 00:47:28,886
What, no armored car?
702
00:47:29,179 --> 00:47:31,180
That would be in my other dress.
703
00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:35,935
What are you planning to do
for your talent? Sing? Dance?
704
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,104
Chew with your mouth closed?
705
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,606
I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.
706
00:47:40,774 --> 00:47:42,233
Oh, Lord.
707
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,194
Agent Matthews!
708
00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:49,365
- This woman has no talent!
- Don't shout it in front of her.
709
00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:53,202
I wasn't told to provide a talent.
I can't do so in the next five hours!
710
00:47:53,495 --> 00:47:54,537
Wait a minute.
711
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:56,122
What are you talking about?
712
00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:58,791
She'll be on-stage
with nothing to do...
713
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:01,544
...but convert oxygen
into carbon dioxide!
714
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:06,132
You said you couldn't make her pretty
in two days, but she's gorgeous.
715
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:08,968
Compared to the car wreck
she was before.
716
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:12,638
My duties are stated in a contract,
and I have fulfilled them.
717
00:48:12,806 --> 00:48:15,725
- You talent her up by tomorrow or...
- Are you threatening me?
718
00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:19,312
- Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- How dare you, you cupcake!
719
00:48:19,563 --> 00:48:23,733
There's something I know how to do.
I haven't done it since high school...
720
00:48:23,942 --> 00:48:27,528
- You're not having sex on this stage.
- I didn't know it was an option.
721
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:30,406
This thing,
I just have to call room service.
722
00:48:30,991 --> 00:48:32,158
Miss Hart.
723
00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:33,659
Please.
724
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:39,457
Thank you. And the other one.
725
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:43,336
Thank you.
726
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:52,136
All right, all right, all right.
727
00:48:53,639 --> 00:48:56,140
Happy, you doughnut Nazi?
728
00:49:34,846 --> 00:49:37,598
Did I tell you Stan Fields
was getting fired?
729
00:49:37,849 --> 00:49:41,352
I'm on it. You just concentrate
on being Gracie Lou, all right.
730
00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:44,730
And by the way,
you're doing a great job.
731
00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:47,692
I thought the evening gown looked...
732
00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:51,737
- I totally bought it.
- I know, you think I'm gorgeous.
733
00:49:51,989 --> 00:49:53,489
I don't think you're gorgeous.
734
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:56,492
You think I'm gorgeous.
735
00:49:56,743 --> 00:49:59,120
You want to kiss me.
736
00:49:59,329 --> 00:50:00,913
You want to hug me...
737
00:50:01,164 --> 00:50:03,624
McDonald's more feminine.
I'd rather kiss him.
738
00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:07,211
- love me.
You want to hug me.
739
00:50:07,421 --> 00:50:09,046
You want to smooch me.
740
00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:20,683
Enjoy the rest of your night.
741
00:50:34,656 --> 00:50:36,866
Gracie, you look so tired.
742
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:39,535
MARY JO:
Oh, she had a busy night.
743
00:50:39,745 --> 00:50:42,705
I saw that gentleman stop by the room.
744
00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:43,914
CHERYL:
Gentleman?
745
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,958
Uh-huh.
746
00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:50,296
- No men in the room.
- It's different on the mainland.
747
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:53,591
Hold on, ladies. Let's hear
her side of the story.
748
00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:55,301
You sleeping with a judge?
749
00:50:57,804 --> 00:50:59,180
Oh.
750
00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:01,974
Oh, that guy? No.
751
00:51:02,225 --> 00:51:05,686
No, no, I was dating him
for a little while because...
752
00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:08,189
...he said he had
an incurable disease.
753
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:13,694
I didn't realize it was stupidity.
754
00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:16,072
MARY JO: Oh, I know what that's like.
- All right.
755
00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:17,948
He is such a pathetic loser.
756
00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:22,119
I'm sorry he's obsessed with me,
but at some point it's like, "Hello!"
757
00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:25,122
"Move on! Get over yourself!"
758
00:51:25,832 --> 00:51:27,708
His ego is this big.
759
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:30,503
But his equipment is like this big!
760
00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:34,006
Good cover!
We worked that out together.
761
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:36,008
HART:
Use it for a needle.
762
00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:38,427
Back to work.
Get ready for the Alamo.
763
00:51:40,138 --> 00:51:42,264
Thank you. Thank you.
764
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:47,269
And welcome to
the Miss United States Preliminary...
765
00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:50,773
...here at the beautiful
and historical Alamo!
766
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,486
Prepare for what promises to be...
767
00:51:55,695 --> 00:51:59,615
...a day of astounding musical,
theatrical and dancing talent.
768
00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:02,535
And after I'm finished,
you can see the ladies.
769
00:52:02,744 --> 00:52:03,786
Oh, yes!
770
00:52:06,331 --> 00:52:07,957
And now, put it together...
771
00:52:08,166 --> 00:52:11,794
...for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas!
772
00:52:14,256 --> 00:52:19,051
You light up my life
773
00:52:23,890 --> 00:52:28,894
[SINGS OPERA]
774
00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:51,041
What's her talent, bartending?
775
00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:54,211
[CRYSTAL HUMS]
776
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:02,678
[HUMS SOFTER]
777
00:53:15,942 --> 00:53:20,905
I made it very clear you weren't
responsible for making her credible.
778
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:25,951
I wish I could explain...
779
00:53:26,411 --> 00:53:28,871
...but there are no words.
780
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:43,260
Eagle-Eye.
781
00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:46,847
You might want to check out
cowboy at 1:00.
782
00:53:47,807 --> 00:53:50,100
My 1:00 or your 1:00?
783
00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:52,645
The one under the white Stetson.
784
00:53:52,896 --> 00:53:54,980
There's Stetsons everywhere.
785
00:53:58,276 --> 00:53:59,568
He's moving, he's moving.
786
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:02,947
HART: Toward the stage.
- Hold on, we're checking it out.
787
00:54:03,573 --> 00:54:04,615
Guys.
788
00:54:09,454 --> 00:54:11,872
Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.
789
00:54:12,791 --> 00:54:15,167
HART:
Who's got the 20 on the shooter?
790
00:54:17,295 --> 00:54:18,379
I'm taking him out.
791
00:54:18,588 --> 00:54:20,005
Wait for a visual!
792
00:54:22,008 --> 00:54:24,677
Gun! Gun! Everybody down!
793
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:31,183
Better up to them, don't you think?
794
00:54:32,978 --> 00:54:36,272
NEWSCASTER: In a bizarre incident at
the Miss United States Preliminaries...
795
00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:39,608
...the contestant from New Jersey
leapt off-stage...
796
00:54:39,818 --> 00:54:43,779
...and tackled a man in the crowd
who was trying to light a cigarette.
797
00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:46,407
She's here with me right now.
798
00:54:46,616 --> 00:54:49,952
What were you thinking when you
jumped off the stage?
799
00:54:50,161 --> 00:54:54,623
All the contestants are actively
involved in ending tobacco dependence.
800
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:59,378
I think the gentleman will think twice
before he lights up again.
801
00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:01,297
I'm sure we all will.
802
00:55:06,219 --> 00:55:08,053
- Look, he had a gun.
- Of course.
803
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:09,930
This is Texas, everyone has a gun.
804
00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:11,724
My florist has a gun.
805
00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:13,142
I don't have a gun.
806
00:55:13,393 --> 00:55:15,019
My ancestors were Quakers.
807
00:55:15,228 --> 00:55:17,187
Stan, please!
808
00:55:17,522 --> 00:55:20,149
We assume any man
with a weapon is a suspect.
809
00:55:20,358 --> 00:55:21,984
We got the DNA results.
810
00:55:22,193 --> 00:55:25,321
The envelope from the Citizen
was licked by a woman.
811
00:55:25,572 --> 00:55:27,364
There's never been DNA before.
812
00:55:27,907 --> 00:55:30,242
He slipped up, or I should say "she."
813
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,161
This is preposterous.
814
00:55:32,537 --> 00:55:34,580
You people are completely clueless.
815
00:55:34,831 --> 00:55:38,208
If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be
holding it in someone's basement!
816
00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:41,545
Every operation is bound
to have its screwups.
817
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:44,214
As far as I can see,
she's still with us.
818
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:46,884
Oh, God!
819
00:55:47,093 --> 00:55:50,262
Could I have a moment alone
with Miss Hart, please?
820
00:55:50,472 --> 00:55:51,597
Sure.
821
00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:56,393
Just for a tiny minute.
822
00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:59,229
We'll just be a moment.
Shop talk.
823
00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:00,522
Hair, gel, mousse.
824
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:06,445
Look, I know I made a mistake.
I'm sorry.
825
00:56:09,115 --> 00:56:13,035
I've been fighting all my life
against your type.
826
00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:16,246
The ones who think we're
a bunch of worthless airheads.
827
00:56:16,790 --> 00:56:18,040
You know who I mean.
828
00:56:18,291 --> 00:56:19,625
Feminists...
829
00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:21,377
...intellectuals...
830
00:56:21,586 --> 00:56:22,711
...ugly women.
831
00:56:23,254 --> 00:56:25,631
I refuse to give in to their cynicism.
832
00:56:26,007 --> 00:56:30,469
That's why I have dedicated
my entire life to this scholarship.
833
00:56:31,137 --> 00:56:32,763
No one's going to ruin that.
834
00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:35,140
Not this year.
835
00:56:36,017 --> 00:56:38,560
You get in my way, I will kill you.
836
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,522
Do you understand?
837
00:56:42,607 --> 00:56:43,649
Yeah.
838
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:45,651
- Yes!
- Yes.
839
00:56:55,662 --> 00:56:56,662
KATHY:
Frank!
840
00:56:57,622 --> 00:57:02,251
The interview is the single most
important part of the pageant.
841
00:57:02,460 --> 00:57:05,170
It accounts for 30%
of your total score.
842
00:57:05,338 --> 00:57:07,673
What's the other 70%, cleavage?
843
00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:13,137
Is this your idea of doing final preps
on the convention center?
844
00:57:13,763 --> 00:57:16,974
Look. Liberace's got her
in a nice evening gown.
845
00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:21,937
McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti-
smoking commercial. He's on his way.
846
00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:25,649
Good, perfect. I'd hate for him
to fire me over the phone.
847
00:57:25,859 --> 00:57:26,942
I can't believe this!
848
00:57:27,110 --> 00:57:28,152
It'll be ugly.
849
00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:29,361
No shit.
850
00:57:29,863 --> 00:57:32,197
I gotta do something.
I'm gonna go do laps.
851
00:57:32,365 --> 00:57:34,992
We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.
852
00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:36,326
You got it.
853
00:57:36,619 --> 00:57:37,995
Hands folded...
854
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:40,622
...ankles crossed.
855
00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:41,957
Neck up!
856
00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:44,168
And remember, smile.
857
00:57:44,377 --> 00:57:48,005
Smilers wear a crown,
losers wear a frown.
858
00:57:48,339 --> 00:57:51,049
I would so love to hurt you right now.
859
00:57:51,217 --> 00:57:53,719
As long as you smile.
860
00:57:54,220 --> 00:57:55,220
Now...
861
00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:58,098
Why is New Jersey called...
862
00:57:58,391 --> 00:57:59,516
...the Garden State?
863
00:57:59,726 --> 00:58:04,229
You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical
refinery state" on a license plate?
864
00:58:04,481 --> 00:58:06,899
I don't appreciate your immaturity...
865
00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:09,067
...when I'm working as hard as I am.
866
00:58:09,235 --> 00:58:12,863
What's the big deal?
It's fixed, I'm in the top five.
867
00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:14,990
Congratulations to me.
868
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:19,912
Is that enough? Have you no pride
in yourself, in your presentation?
869
00:58:20,205 --> 00:58:24,124
I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not
a performing monkey in heels.
870
00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:26,919
You're also a person,
and an incomplete one at that!
871
00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:30,756
In place of friends and relationships,
you have sarcasm and a gun.
872
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:32,132
Oh, I have sarcasm?
873
00:58:32,342 --> 00:58:35,844
When every word that comes out of your
mouth is dripping with disdain?
874
00:58:36,137 --> 00:58:40,599
That is because I am a miserable,
grumpy elitist, and that works for me.
875
00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:43,644
I don't have relationships
because I don't want them.
876
00:58:43,853 --> 00:58:47,439
And I don't have friends
because I work 24-7.
877
00:58:47,649 --> 00:58:50,943
And you have no idea why I am
the way that I am.
878
00:58:51,194 --> 00:58:54,279
As we're practicing interviews,
why are you the way you are?
879
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:56,240
None of your damn business.
880
00:58:56,449 --> 00:58:59,284
The judges probably have
never heard that before.
881
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:01,453
We have more to do here.
882
00:59:03,456 --> 00:59:05,415
No, we are finished.
883
00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,168
Finished.
884
00:59:10,713 --> 00:59:13,966
- Give me a 20 on Matthews.
- Be advised he's at the pool.
885
00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:19,972
"How do you feel about gun control?"
886
00:59:20,306 --> 00:59:21,682
Favorable.
887
00:59:30,817 --> 00:59:33,569
Thought I'd let you know
I was quitting. Take care.
888
00:59:34,237 --> 00:59:36,071
Hold on. Wait a minute.
889
00:59:36,698 --> 00:59:39,825
- What do you mean?
- I mean, you got the wrong girl.
890
00:59:39,993 --> 00:59:41,076
All right?
891
00:59:41,286 --> 00:59:42,411
I do not need this now.
892
00:59:42,662 --> 00:59:46,331
That's what I'm saying!
I'm totally screwing up in there!
893
00:59:46,499 --> 00:59:48,792
I don't feel
like a real agent anymore.
894
00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,503
I mean, Vic says
this thing that's so...
895
00:59:52,088 --> 00:59:55,299
I don't care what he said, you know?
I don't care.
896
00:59:55,508 --> 00:59:57,009
Because I am the job...
897
00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,803
...and I'm okay with that.
You're the job?
898
01:00:00,263 --> 01:00:02,347
Yeah, I'm the job.
We're all the job.
899
01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:04,474
Then what's wrong with me?
900
01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:08,353
I date. I know everyone thinks
I haven't had a date in 10 years.
901
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:09,855
Is that what you think?
902
01:00:10,732 --> 01:00:12,024
I think you date.
903
01:00:12,275 --> 01:00:13,775
Damn right I do.
904
01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:16,320
But both times it was screwed up.
905
01:00:17,530 --> 01:00:19,865
I don't even care.
All I want to do...
906
01:00:20,116 --> 01:00:21,950
...is my job.
907
01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:25,370
For the last three days
I feel like I'm completely lost.
908
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:28,373
I've been waiting five years
to run my own op.
909
01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:31,668
- Would I blow it on the wrong girl?
- You picked me...
910
01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:34,838
...because I looked good
and wasn't on maternity leave.
911
01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:38,050
No, that's why they let me pick you.
Know why?
912
01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:40,052
- Lost a bet.
- You're smart...
913
01:00:40,261 --> 01:00:44,681
...and funny and you're easy
to talk to when you're unarmed.
914
01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:48,810
Give yourself a break
and cut Vic some slack.
915
01:00:49,020 --> 01:00:51,480
Because if they see
what I see, then...
916
01:00:52,857 --> 01:00:54,066
...they'll love you.
917
01:00:58,071 --> 01:00:59,404
So, what do you say?
918
01:01:05,787 --> 01:01:07,079
I won't let you down.
919
01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:09,081
Good, that's what I want to hear.
920
01:01:09,290 --> 01:01:12,334
In all honesty, I might let you down.
921
01:01:12,585 --> 01:01:15,796
But I'll try my best not to.
922
01:01:19,050 --> 01:01:20,509
Do not mess with the dress.
923
01:01:27,266 --> 01:01:29,935
Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.
924
01:01:30,937 --> 01:01:32,562
You in big trouble.
925
01:01:32,772 --> 01:01:34,398
Why? You fell.
926
01:01:34,607 --> 01:01:36,108
- You look good wet.
- Shut up!
927
01:01:50,123 --> 01:01:53,125
Whoa, guys, Hart's
in the dressing room. Come on.
928
01:01:53,334 --> 01:01:56,461
HARRIS: You see the legs on that girl?
CLONSKY: Who's your daddy?
929
01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:14,146
Those better be candy dishes!
930
01:02:14,647 --> 01:02:15,647
Turn around.
931
01:02:18,151 --> 01:02:19,484
Open.
932
01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:23,488
This guy's like an inch from death!
933
01:02:24,782 --> 01:02:26,908
AGENT:
But what a way to go!
934
01:02:27,118 --> 01:02:29,828
- Break it up. Nothing to see.
- What do you mean?
935
01:02:30,288 --> 01:02:31,955
She's a federal agent.
Come on.
936
01:02:35,084 --> 01:02:38,128
Guess it's time to apply
at my local Hooters.
937
01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:42,174
Hemorrhoid ointment? You think
the judges will look that closely?
938
01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,509
It's for the baggies under your eyes.
939
01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:45,886
Really?
940
01:02:47,305 --> 01:02:49,890
Good, hair spray.
Finally something I recognize.
941
01:02:50,975 --> 01:02:52,392
What are you doing?
942
01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:54,770
It stops the suit from riding up.
943
01:02:54,937 --> 01:02:55,979
Riding up where?
944
01:02:56,314 --> 01:02:58,190
Just up!
945
01:02:58,357 --> 01:02:59,399
That's enough!
946
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:01,026
Why do you make things hard?
947
01:03:01,277 --> 01:03:04,780
I can see this is an incredibly
embarrassing situation for you.
948
01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:08,450
Why does Georgia get to wear
a one-piece and I have to wear this?!
949
01:03:08,659 --> 01:03:12,621
If you can do this, then you can
convince anyone that you belong here.
950
01:03:12,830 --> 01:03:14,414
Places, everybody! Let's go!
951
01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:19,961
The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts
for 15% of the total score...
952
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:23,715
...and tests the grace,
athleticism and poise...
953
01:03:23,966 --> 01:03:26,468
...of each lovely woman.
954
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:30,555
The last time I was naked in public,
I came out of a uterus.
955
01:03:30,723 --> 01:03:33,975
I don't have breasts, my thighs...
I should wear a muumuu.
956
01:03:34,185 --> 01:03:36,436
I have avoided this experience
all my life.
957
01:03:36,646 --> 01:03:39,439
And here it is.
You must achieve a Zen-like state.
958
01:03:39,649 --> 01:03:42,234
Listen to your breathing,
feel your heart...
959
01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:44,319
...think of the Dalai Lama.
960
01:04:04,257 --> 01:04:05,590
Texas!
961
01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:11,555
Rhode Island!
962
01:04:16,602 --> 01:04:18,103
New Jersey!
963
01:04:29,282 --> 01:04:31,867
Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama...
964
01:04:33,786 --> 01:04:35,036
STAN:
New York!
965
01:04:39,250 --> 01:04:40,792
California!
966
01:04:45,006 --> 01:04:47,632
I would have to say,
world peace.
967
01:04:47,884 --> 01:04:50,427
Definitely, world peace.
968
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,430
That's easy. World peace.
969
01:04:53,764 --> 01:04:54,806
World peace.
970
01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:59,895
What is the one most important thing
our society needs?
971
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:05,317
That would be harsher punishment
for parole violators, Stan.
972
01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:14,659
And, world peace.
973
01:05:19,916 --> 01:05:21,416
Thank you, Gracie Lou.
974
01:05:21,626 --> 01:05:23,251
And thank you, Stan.
975
01:05:25,338 --> 01:05:28,340
Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.
976
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:31,509
That was charming. Are you drunk?
977
01:05:31,677 --> 01:05:36,014
Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me,
I have to go unscrew my smile.
978
01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:38,058
We got a lead.
979
01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:40,185
- The blood test?
- Photos.
980
01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:43,355
Cheryl Frasier, with members
of a radical animal rights group...
981
01:05:43,564 --> 01:05:46,024
...involved in bombings.
VIC: It's always the quiet ones.
982
01:05:46,192 --> 01:05:49,319
She fits the profile:
loner, introverted.
983
01:05:49,570 --> 01:05:51,154
That Cheryl?
984
01:05:51,364 --> 01:05:54,950
Describe your perfect date.
985
01:05:56,369 --> 01:05:58,203
That's a tough one.
986
01:06:00,998 --> 01:06:03,875
I'd have to say April 25th...
987
01:06:04,168 --> 01:06:07,504
...because it's not too hot,
not too cold.
988
01:06:07,713 --> 01:06:10,215
All you need is a light jacket.
989
01:06:12,218 --> 01:06:14,719
Now, there is a hardened criminal.
990
01:06:16,222 --> 01:06:20,016
Maybe she's an accomplice.
Maybe she's his inside connection.
991
01:06:20,226 --> 01:06:22,394
That's what you gotta find out.
992
01:06:22,561 --> 01:06:23,603
How?
993
01:06:23,813 --> 01:06:26,231
Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.
994
01:06:26,399 --> 01:06:28,650
- Girl talk?
- Yes, girl talk.
995
01:06:29,902 --> 01:06:31,903
Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank.
996
01:06:32,113 --> 01:06:36,741
Leg waxing, fake orgasms,
the inability of men to commit.
997
01:06:36,909 --> 01:06:38,368
Why don't you talk to her?
998
01:06:39,704 --> 01:06:43,540
Imagine she's me and you want to know,
but I don't want to talk about it.
999
01:06:43,749 --> 01:06:45,125
What would you do?
1000
01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:47,002
You want me to beat her?
1001
01:06:47,628 --> 01:06:48,753
Why don't you talk to her?
1002
01:06:49,005 --> 01:06:51,256
Okay, forget about it. I will go.
1003
01:06:51,924 --> 01:06:53,591
Put that back in your ear.
1004
01:06:53,759 --> 01:06:55,927
I can't talk girl talk
with a guy in my head.
1005
01:06:56,137 --> 01:06:58,263
I can't even do it with me in my head.
1006
01:07:01,142 --> 01:07:02,642
Girl talk.
1007
01:07:10,609 --> 01:07:12,068
Oh, my God!
1008
01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:14,654
Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing?
1009
01:07:14,864 --> 01:07:18,033
How can you ask that?
You heard my interview.
1010
01:07:18,784 --> 01:07:21,161
I was like a female Rain Man.
1011
01:07:21,370 --> 01:07:24,289
Oh, no, it def-def-definitely
wasn't Rain Man.
1012
01:07:24,540 --> 01:07:26,041
Definitely not Rain Man.
1013
01:07:26,292 --> 01:07:29,044
Come and have a midnight snack
with me and some...
1014
01:07:29,295 --> 01:07:30,628
...girl talk.
1015
01:07:30,796 --> 01:07:33,882
Are you crazy?
We can't have pizza and beer!
1016
01:07:34,091 --> 01:07:36,760
Do you know how many calories
you're talking about?
1017
01:07:36,969 --> 01:07:39,554
It's light beer and
she's gonna throw it up anyway.
1018
01:07:39,722 --> 01:07:40,764
Come on.
1019
01:07:41,182 --> 01:07:43,641
Come with. No?
1020
01:07:43,809 --> 01:07:45,435
No takers? No?
1021
01:07:46,979 --> 01:07:48,813
All right, I'll just...
1022
01:07:49,065 --> 01:07:52,317
...sit here. You guys
go back on your bicycles...
1023
01:07:52,568 --> 01:07:56,821
...and I'll sit here with my
very large, cheesy pizza.
1024
01:07:57,198 --> 01:07:59,240
Oh, look at all that cheese.
1025
01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:00,492
Mmm, mm, mm.
1026
01:08:00,743 --> 01:08:02,660
Cheryl, don't.
1027
01:08:02,828 --> 01:08:05,163
At least scrape off the toppings.
1028
01:08:05,331 --> 01:08:09,084
First step, pizza.
Second step, flaming batons...
1029
01:08:11,420 --> 01:08:13,421
[MOANING]
1030
01:08:13,631 --> 01:08:15,924
ALANA:
Let me have some. Oh, yeah.
1031
01:08:16,092 --> 01:08:18,426
I guess we'll be needing more pizza.
1032
01:08:19,470 --> 01:08:22,597
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
1033
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:39,155
- I want another drink!
- Okay!
1034
01:08:39,865 --> 01:08:41,533
We're gonna get a drink.
1035
01:08:58,801 --> 01:09:00,802
Another round, ladies?
1036
01:09:01,554 --> 01:09:04,139
- I can't do another one!
HART: Yes, you can!
1037
01:09:12,898 --> 01:09:14,232
This is so weird!
1038
01:09:14,400 --> 01:09:17,193
This is my third one
and I don't feel a thing!
1039
01:09:17,403 --> 01:09:18,403
Really?
1040
01:09:18,654 --> 01:09:20,905
Like when I did my interview question.
1041
01:09:21,198 --> 01:09:23,032
Don't worry, we all sucked.
1042
01:09:23,409 --> 01:09:27,078
You know, I had such a good answer
to that question too.
1043
01:09:27,288 --> 01:09:30,415
My idea of a perfect date
would be a man...
1044
01:09:30,708 --> 01:09:32,834
...who takes me to a romantic dinner.
1045
01:09:33,085 --> 01:09:36,254
Then we walk along the beach barefoot,
discussing books...
1046
01:09:36,422 --> 01:09:39,382
...and music and movies!
1047
01:09:39,592 --> 01:09:40,800
Aw.
1048
01:09:41,010 --> 01:09:42,385
No wonder you're still a virgin.
1049
01:09:45,514 --> 01:09:47,932
Time to paint. Come on.
1050
01:09:48,100 --> 01:09:49,726
No, my contacts.
1051
01:09:49,935 --> 01:09:51,102
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
1052
01:09:51,312 --> 01:09:53,229
- We'll stay here.
- I want more pizza.
1053
01:09:53,439 --> 01:09:55,607
We're gonna have more pizza and beer.
1054
01:09:58,194 --> 01:09:59,527
Have fun!
1055
01:09:59,945 --> 01:10:03,072
- This is so much fun.
- Yeah, it's fun.
1056
01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:05,325
It's so fun it should be illegal.
1057
01:10:05,618 --> 01:10:08,453
Speaking of illegal,
have you ever, like...
1058
01:10:08,704 --> 01:10:10,079
...committed a crime?
1059
01:10:11,248 --> 01:10:12,540
Yes!
1060
01:10:13,626 --> 01:10:15,293
Yes, I did.
1061
01:10:17,546 --> 01:10:18,713
Go on.
1062
01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:23,635
One time I stole red underwear
from the department store.
1063
01:10:23,928 --> 01:10:25,637
My mother wouldn't buy them!
1064
01:10:25,930 --> 01:10:28,640
She said they were Satan's panties.
1065
01:10:31,393 --> 01:10:33,478
- So is that it?
- Yeah.
1066
01:10:33,729 --> 01:10:36,981
Oh, there was
this one thing in college...
1067
01:10:37,149 --> 01:10:39,150
...with my lit professor.
1068
01:10:39,401 --> 01:10:44,280
One day I came to his office. He said
he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.
1069
01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:47,742
He wanted to discuss a paper, right?
1070
01:10:47,952 --> 01:10:50,662
Hey, can I get another
one of these tubie things?
1071
01:10:50,913 --> 01:10:52,872
Yeah, can we get another tubie?
1072
01:10:53,874 --> 01:10:56,084
Anyway, he attacked me.
1073
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:01,172
Cheryl, did you report him?
1074
01:11:01,423 --> 01:11:04,467
No, I never told anyone before this.
1075
01:11:04,760 --> 01:11:07,011
I know that happens all the time.
1076
01:11:07,179 --> 01:11:09,514
No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.
1077
01:11:09,682 --> 01:11:12,642
There are so many maneuvers
that I could show you.
1078
01:11:12,893 --> 01:11:14,018
Really?
1079
01:11:14,186 --> 01:11:16,437
Yeah! Come on, get up.
1080
01:11:18,524 --> 01:11:20,692
I want you to firmly plant your feet.
1081
01:11:20,901 --> 01:11:22,527
I'm gonna move the chair.
1082
01:11:22,778 --> 01:11:24,612
Now if someone comes at you...
1083
01:11:31,704 --> 01:11:34,038
She's completely trashed.
1084
01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:37,667
We should get her back
before Miss Morningside finds out.
1085
01:11:37,918 --> 01:11:40,712
Kathy's got a boot up her ass
about something.
1086
01:11:40,963 --> 01:11:43,840
I don't think she ever
got over those rumors.
1087
01:11:44,049 --> 01:11:45,216
Come again?
1088
01:11:45,426 --> 01:11:47,385
Her pageant years
she was a runner-up.
1089
01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:50,513
But then the winner mysteriously
got food poisoning.
1090
01:11:50,723 --> 01:11:51,931
Bizarro!
1091
01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:55,560
No, Stan told me she got a letter
a few weeks back from the network...
1092
01:11:55,811 --> 01:11:58,229
...and they're firing her too!
1093
01:11:58,439 --> 01:12:01,566
She threw a chair out the window!
1094
01:12:02,985 --> 01:12:04,736
We gotta go. Come on.
1095
01:12:05,070 --> 01:12:07,572
I got 20 people here
waiting for confirmation.
1096
01:12:13,454 --> 01:12:15,663
Don't tell me I don't understand.
1097
01:12:15,873 --> 01:12:17,957
I hate when I don't see
a wet paint sign.
1098
01:12:18,167 --> 01:12:19,334
Stop it. Listen.
1099
01:12:19,585 --> 01:12:22,962
- Can't hear you, took out my earpiece.
- I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.
1100
01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:25,590
Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.
1101
01:12:26,008 --> 01:12:27,467
What? Where?
1102
01:12:28,093 --> 01:12:29,719
It's confirmed.
1103
01:12:30,054 --> 01:12:32,096
He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.
1104
01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:35,058
Place had enough C4
to make a new Grand Canyon.
1105
01:12:35,267 --> 01:12:37,101
Let's pack up and get out of here.
1106
01:12:38,479 --> 01:12:41,439
Sir, I need to talk to you.
One second of your time.
1107
01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:43,608
- Hart.
- Hear me out a second.
1108
01:12:43,859 --> 01:12:48,071
I feel the situation bears further
scrutiny and our continued presence.
1109
01:12:48,280 --> 01:12:51,532
Do you have paint in your ears?
We caught the guy!
1110
01:12:51,742 --> 01:12:54,744
I respect what you're saying.
I'd say the same to me...
1111
01:12:54,995 --> 01:12:56,871
...but what if we were wrong?
1112
01:12:57,414 --> 01:13:00,792
What if the Citizen didn't send it?
What if it was a copycat?
1113
01:13:01,710 --> 01:13:04,087
The letter didn't follow
the normal pattern.
1114
01:13:04,296 --> 01:13:06,464
The linguistic scheme
was uncharacteristic...
1115
01:13:06,632 --> 01:13:09,008
...and the DNA said it was a woman!
1116
01:13:09,593 --> 01:13:12,387
Maybe he got his girlfriend
to lick the envelope.
1117
01:13:12,596 --> 01:13:14,889
I think we have reason
to monitor Morningside.
1118
01:13:15,099 --> 01:13:18,476
Why don't you jump on her
dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?
1119
01:13:18,644 --> 01:13:21,437
You're the reason I had
to drag myself down here...
1120
01:13:21,647 --> 01:13:23,815
...and I don't want to hear anymore!
1121
01:13:24,066 --> 01:13:26,776
You're absolutely right, sir.
Not another damn word.
1122
01:13:27,027 --> 01:13:28,069
Thank you.
1123
01:13:28,529 --> 01:13:31,656
But she's getting fired this year,
which she didn't tell us.
1124
01:13:31,907 --> 01:13:34,909
You're already in enough
trouble with the review board.
1125
01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:38,746
Yeah, but when she was in the pageant,
the only reason she won was...
1126
01:13:38,956 --> 01:13:42,667
...because the winner got
food poisoning. How bizarro is that?
1127
01:13:42,918 --> 01:13:44,127
- "Bizarro"?
- Oh! Oh!
1128
01:13:44,336 --> 01:13:48,131
She threatened me. According to Mary
Jo, she has a history of violence.
1129
01:13:48,340 --> 01:13:49,549
Who is Mary Jo?
1130
01:13:49,758 --> 01:13:52,343
Are you getting your information
from a pajama party?
1131
01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:53,928
Would you shut up?
1132
01:13:54,179 --> 01:13:56,347
You're shutting up enough
for both of us.
1133
01:13:56,557 --> 01:13:57,598
- Matthews.
- Yes, sir?
1134
01:13:57,808 --> 01:13:59,934
Is there any reason
to suspect Morningside?
1135
01:14:06,859 --> 01:14:07,942
No, sir.
1136
01:14:11,989 --> 01:14:13,030
There.
1137
01:14:13,198 --> 01:14:16,451
I request permission to stay
with a small contingent.
1138
01:14:16,618 --> 01:14:20,204
- Denied.
- Then I request permission to stay alone.
1139
01:14:20,497 --> 01:14:24,876
You know what, I don't care
what you do. You want to stay, stay!
1140
01:14:25,085 --> 01:14:28,379
But as a private citizen.
Turn in your badge and your gun.
1141
01:14:29,131 --> 01:14:31,883
Everybody, I suggest we start packing.
1142
01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:36,721
What?
1143
01:14:36,972 --> 01:14:39,098
Don't look at me like I betrayed you.
1144
01:14:39,349 --> 01:14:41,309
Betrayal implies action.
You stood there.
1145
01:14:41,518 --> 01:14:43,019
You got nothing to go on.
1146
01:14:43,228 --> 01:14:45,396
I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.
1147
01:14:45,647 --> 01:14:49,108
But I feel like I'm in the right
place at the right time.
1148
01:14:49,318 --> 01:14:52,403
I have to protect those girls.
It is my job.
1149
01:14:52,613 --> 01:14:53,905
Part of it is following orders.
1150
01:14:54,156 --> 01:14:58,034
The other part is using your brain.
Throw out the rule book...
1151
01:14:58,243 --> 01:15:01,245
I like the book. I like knowing
what I can and cannot do.
1152
01:15:01,497 --> 01:15:03,623
You're not the only one who lives
for the job.
1153
01:15:03,832 --> 01:15:06,834
I want to keep mine
for the next 20 or 30 years.
1154
01:15:08,086 --> 01:15:09,670
Jesus, Hart.
1155
01:15:09,880 --> 01:15:11,130
Give it a rest.
1156
01:15:11,340 --> 01:15:13,132
Sure, give it a rest.
1157
01:15:15,135 --> 01:15:16,385
What are you doing?
1158
01:15:17,930 --> 01:15:19,430
Don't do it.
1159
01:16:00,806 --> 01:16:02,306
[CLAPPING]
1160
01:16:02,558 --> 01:16:03,933
Thank you.
1161
01:16:04,977 --> 01:16:07,103
Thank you so much.
1162
01:16:08,939 --> 01:16:10,606
I can't believe it!
1163
01:16:14,194 --> 01:16:15,486
Hi, Mom.
1164
01:16:16,572 --> 01:16:18,072
Don't do that!
1165
01:16:18,323 --> 01:16:22,577
That slow, creepy thing in the shadows.
Your father used to do that.
1166
01:16:22,786 --> 01:16:23,828
Mom.
1167
01:16:26,331 --> 01:16:27,748
This isn't gonna work.
1168
01:16:28,500 --> 01:16:31,002
Honey, of course it's going to work.
1169
01:16:31,211 --> 01:16:34,255
The feds caught the Citizen.
We have no one to pin it on!
1170
01:16:34,590 --> 01:16:36,007
Okay, that was bad luck.
1171
01:16:36,216 --> 01:16:40,428
But what about all these other letters
from terrorist groups threatening us?
1172
01:16:40,637 --> 01:16:42,221
"Women's Liberation Front."
1173
01:16:42,514 --> 01:16:45,850
"Islamic Jihad." They're not so nuts
about the swimsuit competition.
1174
01:16:46,101 --> 01:16:48,477
Any one of these
could have planted a bomb.
1175
01:16:48,687 --> 01:16:50,354
When did we get those?
1176
01:16:50,772 --> 01:16:53,107
I just finished writing them.
1177
01:16:53,317 --> 01:16:55,359
Just like the Citizen letter.
1178
01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:57,737
You're a genius.
1179
01:16:57,988 --> 01:17:00,489
No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.
1180
01:17:00,699 --> 01:17:02,992
Nobody fires me and gets away with it.
1181
01:17:03,243 --> 01:17:05,369
They want a newer, hotter show...
1182
01:17:05,537 --> 01:17:06,704
...they're gonna get it.
1183
01:17:07,331 --> 01:17:08,873
Mom, you're a little scary.
1184
01:17:09,124 --> 01:17:10,708
And you're a little bit sloppy.
1185
01:17:10,876 --> 01:17:13,794
Tuck your shirt.
I don't want to tell you again.
1186
01:17:14,880 --> 01:17:16,047
Let's go home, honey.
1187
01:17:16,673 --> 01:17:17,715
Mom?
1188
01:17:18,967 --> 01:17:20,217
Oops.
1189
01:17:32,397 --> 01:17:33,856
What's up?
1190
01:17:39,363 --> 01:17:41,489
- Need a hand, boss?
- I got it.
1191
01:17:48,580 --> 01:17:50,873
Okay, Vic. Beautify me.
1192
01:17:51,083 --> 01:17:55,044
Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever
it is you do. That shiny stuff...
1193
01:17:55,295 --> 01:17:56,545
Where are you going?
1194
01:17:56,755 --> 01:18:01,050
Your Agent McDonald insists that I
depart, or I won't be compensated.
1195
01:18:01,426 --> 01:18:04,178
No. After the top 10!
I am completely on my own.
1196
01:18:04,388 --> 01:18:06,931
The FBI is gone, it's not fixed.
I need you!
1197
01:18:07,099 --> 01:18:09,183
Not anymore. The cocoon is open.
1198
01:18:09,393 --> 01:18:12,353
I've taken a woman
without a smidgen of estrogen...
1199
01:18:12,562 --> 01:18:14,230
...and made her a lady.
1200
01:18:14,439 --> 01:18:17,024
- Come on.
- I've never been prouder of myself.
1201
01:18:18,443 --> 01:18:19,527
Or...
1202
01:18:21,113 --> 01:18:23,447
...of any girl I have ever coached.
1203
01:18:24,574 --> 01:18:26,283
You are truly unique.
1204
01:18:27,119 --> 01:18:31,455
If I ever had a daughter,
I imagine that she would be...
1205
01:18:31,957 --> 01:18:33,124
...something like you.
1206
01:18:35,544 --> 01:18:37,128
Which is why I never reproduced.
1207
01:18:39,339 --> 01:18:42,633
I have a really strong feeling
something will happen to these girls.
1208
01:18:42,884 --> 01:18:44,552
You need to stay for me. Please.
1209
01:18:44,761 --> 01:18:46,095
I can't.
1210
01:18:46,722 --> 01:18:49,807
But I can leave you this.
I was saving it for tonight.
1211
01:18:50,142 --> 01:18:52,601
It's your size, I believe.
1212
01:18:52,978 --> 01:18:54,812
Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.
1213
01:19:00,402 --> 01:19:02,111
It's been a privilege.
1214
01:19:21,131 --> 01:19:22,757
No insults today?
1215
01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:24,258
You're a Don Ho.
1216
01:19:24,468 --> 01:19:27,970
Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't
believe she missed dress rehearsal.
1217
01:19:28,180 --> 01:19:31,599
Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.
She ate four slices last night.
1218
01:19:31,808 --> 01:19:36,979
We all saw her glasses performance.
She is not making the top 10.
1219
01:19:38,023 --> 01:19:39,982
I overslept my beauty sleep.
1220
01:19:40,192 --> 01:19:42,902
- Do you need help?
- No, I'm fine.
1221
01:19:43,445 --> 01:19:45,780
I wonder which one of these...
1222
01:19:46,031 --> 01:19:47,406
...is lipstick.
1223
01:19:50,702 --> 01:19:51,786
Ladies!
1224
01:19:51,953 --> 01:19:54,455
Now, the first thing we need
to deal with...
1225
01:19:54,623 --> 01:19:57,541
[TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY]
1226
01:20:14,976 --> 01:20:17,686
Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving.
Let's go!
1227
01:20:17,896 --> 01:20:18,979
Looking good, ladies.
1228
01:20:19,231 --> 01:20:21,482
Will you go back to the mothership?
1229
01:20:21,691 --> 01:20:23,359
As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass.
1230
01:20:23,568 --> 01:20:26,695
Let's go, Pennsylvania,
New Jersey, Texas...
1231
01:20:27,405 --> 01:20:29,865
I can't open the goddamn bottle.
1232
01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:31,075
Frank!
1233
01:20:31,326 --> 01:20:33,536
SCOTT:
Have a good show. You guys excited?
1234
01:20:34,746 --> 01:20:35,830
Get it.
1235
01:20:40,585 --> 01:20:41,710
Where are you going?
1236
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:44,338
I forgot my breasts.
Hold on, I'll be back.
1237
01:20:50,178 --> 01:20:51,470
Going live.
1238
01:20:51,680 --> 01:20:54,765
In five, four, three...
1239
01:20:55,016 --> 01:20:58,269
It's the 75th Annual
Miss United States Pageant...
1240
01:20:58,478 --> 01:21:02,064
...live from San Antonio, Texas!
1241
01:21:03,066 --> 01:21:05,609
[BOSSON'S "ONE IN A MILLION" PLAYS]
1242
01:21:13,243 --> 01:21:15,786
Good. That's the one I use at home.
1243
01:23:11,528 --> 01:23:14,363
And your host for the evening,
Stan Fields!
1244
01:23:14,572 --> 01:23:17,116
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
1245
01:23:17,325 --> 01:23:21,996
And welcome to a night of beauty,
talent and poise.
1246
01:23:22,205 --> 01:23:24,665
I'm not just talking
about my cohost...
1247
01:23:24,916 --> 01:23:27,418
...Kathy Morningside!
1248
01:23:30,380 --> 01:23:33,132
- Hello, Kathy.
- Stan, you charmer.
1249
01:23:33,341 --> 01:23:36,593
But you forgot to mention
"incredible intelligence."
1250
01:23:36,761 --> 01:23:39,847
That was incredibly stupid of me.
How can I make it up?
1251
01:23:40,098 --> 01:23:42,516
By helping me to announce
the top 10...
1252
01:23:42,726 --> 01:23:46,854
...chosen based on their performance
during the preliminaries this week.
1253
01:23:47,063 --> 01:23:48,564
Here's the envelope.
1254
01:23:48,773 --> 01:23:51,942
Thank you, Scott.
Ladies, hold your breath.
1255
01:23:54,738 --> 01:23:56,196
Hawaii!
1256
01:23:56,406 --> 01:23:59,658
Follow her. Beautiful.
Come in for that reaction.
1257
01:24:01,161 --> 01:24:03,037
- Go to two.
- Going to two.
1258
01:24:03,246 --> 01:24:04,788
California!
1259
01:24:07,083 --> 01:24:08,208
New York!
1260
01:24:11,671 --> 01:24:12,713
Alaska!
1261
01:24:15,633 --> 01:24:17,217
Texas!
1262
01:24:21,765 --> 01:24:23,140
Thank you.
1263
01:24:24,809 --> 01:24:26,685
New Jersey!
1264
01:24:29,105 --> 01:24:30,564
Thank you, thank you.
1265
01:24:31,399 --> 01:24:32,441
Oh, shit!
1266
01:24:34,069 --> 01:24:35,319
That was graceful.
1267
01:24:35,570 --> 01:24:37,196
STAN:
That must have hurt.
1268
01:24:37,655 --> 01:24:39,740
But she's up and at it.
1269
01:24:45,914 --> 01:24:49,124
And last but not least, Rhode Island.
1270
01:24:53,838 --> 01:24:57,758
And there they are!
This year's top 10 finalists.
1271
01:25:00,845 --> 01:25:02,763
Well, the top 10 have been chosen.
1272
01:25:02,972 --> 01:25:06,642
We'll be right back with tonight's
swimsuit competition.
1273
01:25:13,525 --> 01:25:15,692
I checked out Kathy Morningside.
1274
01:25:15,860 --> 01:25:18,237
- Anything?
- Not even a traffic ticket.
1275
01:25:18,488 --> 01:25:23,033
Model citizen. Beauty contestant,
pageant director, loving mom.
1276
01:25:23,243 --> 01:25:25,536
- She's married?
- Widow. One son.
1277
01:25:25,787 --> 01:25:28,789
A sniveling, obsequious
weasel of a human being.
1278
01:25:29,874 --> 01:25:33,001
- You know her son?
- So do you. It's Frank.
1279
01:25:33,211 --> 01:25:35,879
- Her assistant?
- Asshole Frank?
1280
01:25:36,047 --> 01:25:37,047
One and the same.
1281
01:25:37,298 --> 01:25:40,300
She never mentioned anything.
Anything come up on the CCH?
1282
01:25:40,510 --> 01:25:41,885
Nothing on Frank Tobin.
1283
01:25:42,053 --> 01:25:44,263
There wouldn't be.
His name is Morningside.
1284
01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:47,307
He changed it to cover
his many indiscretions.
1285
01:25:48,059 --> 01:25:49,685
Wait. How do you know that?
1286
01:25:50,562 --> 01:25:53,063
I've been around this pageant
for many years.
1287
01:25:53,314 --> 01:25:56,567
I could shock you with the intimate
details I'm privy to.
1288
01:26:13,668 --> 01:26:15,085
Good job! Good job
1289
01:26:15,295 --> 01:26:18,172
Keep going, everybody. Keep moving.
1290
01:26:22,427 --> 01:26:23,510
Hey, hey.
1291
01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:25,179
I got you something.
1292
01:26:26,514 --> 01:26:28,098
Oh! Oh.
1293
01:26:28,349 --> 01:26:29,433
I couldn't...
1294
01:26:29,684 --> 01:26:32,269
You ate pizza, you stole panties,
you're wild.
1295
01:26:32,520 --> 01:26:34,521
We worked on this, remember?
1296
01:26:35,106 --> 01:26:36,440
You're gonna be great.
1297
01:26:43,740 --> 01:26:46,241
- Can I see your ticket?
- Federal officer.
1298
01:26:47,076 --> 01:26:48,577
I'm with him.
1299
01:26:50,413 --> 01:26:54,249
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
1300
01:27:20,735 --> 01:27:22,444
Gentlemen, you can't go in...
1301
01:27:22,612 --> 01:27:23,654
Victor!
1302
01:27:24,656 --> 01:27:25,989
He's with me.
1303
01:27:27,492 --> 01:27:29,660
Wait. I'm not "with him" with him.
1304
01:27:29,911 --> 01:27:31,495
Come on, muffin.
1305
01:27:45,593 --> 01:27:49,012
Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.
1306
01:27:50,765 --> 01:27:53,141
Now you can wear Satan's panties!
1307
01:27:55,270 --> 01:27:57,938
Oh, my God, I gotta go on!
1308
01:28:02,652 --> 01:28:04,653
- Hey, Hart.
- What are you doing here?
1309
01:28:04,904 --> 01:28:08,532
I think you might have been right.
Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.
1310
01:28:08,700 --> 01:28:10,284
Disgusting, perverted Frank?
1311
01:28:10,535 --> 01:28:12,786
He cleared under another name.
I ran a new CCH.
1312
01:28:12,996 --> 01:28:15,539
DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.
1313
01:28:15,790 --> 01:28:17,124
Are we doing full deployment?
1314
01:28:17,333 --> 01:28:20,002
McDonald didn't want to hear about it.
It's just us.
1315
01:28:20,837 --> 01:28:23,046
Interview set change, five minutes.
1316
01:28:23,214 --> 01:28:25,048
Good show, Mr. Tobin.
1317
01:28:26,009 --> 01:28:29,511
Get ready.
Interview set change, five minutes.
1318
01:28:32,849 --> 01:28:34,975
You're up next, New Jersey.
1319
01:28:35,184 --> 01:28:36,727
I gotta get my glasses.
1320
01:28:38,396 --> 01:28:40,647
Hey! You're drinking my talent!
1321
01:28:40,857 --> 01:28:42,983
You got to make it into the top five.
1322
01:28:43,192 --> 01:28:44,901
- Can you whistle?
- No!
1323
01:28:45,069 --> 01:28:47,029
- Make hand puppets?
- No!
1324
01:28:47,238 --> 01:28:49,239
I had a girl who rearranged furniture.
1325
01:28:49,490 --> 01:28:51,950
You said all I have
is sarcasm and a gun.
1326
01:28:52,201 --> 01:28:53,869
That and a right hook.
1327
01:28:54,746 --> 01:28:59,666
And now, the musical stylings
of Gracie Lou Freebush.
1328
01:29:04,088 --> 01:29:05,088
Good evening.
1329
01:29:05,340 --> 01:29:09,217
The program says I'm supposed to play
the water glasses for you...
1330
01:29:09,427 --> 01:29:10,927
...but the girls got dehydrated.
1331
01:29:12,597 --> 01:29:13,722
No water glasses?
1332
01:29:14,599 --> 01:29:16,558
You want me to go to a commercial?
1333
01:29:16,768 --> 01:29:19,102
No, stay on her. Go with it.
1334
01:29:19,354 --> 01:29:23,732
I believe no woman should be without
a basic knowledge of self-defense.
1335
01:29:23,941 --> 01:29:28,028
So in order to show you this,
I'm gonna need a little help.
1336
01:29:28,529 --> 01:29:32,366
I would like to bring out
my assistant, Eric Bob.
1337
01:29:36,579 --> 01:29:39,456
More changes?
Follow her. Stay on her.
1338
01:29:39,624 --> 01:29:42,501
--how to inflict damage
with the least amount of force.
1339
01:29:43,086 --> 01:29:48,465
In some cases, your attacker might
come at you in a frontal assault.
1340
01:29:54,806 --> 01:29:56,807
Use the heel of your hand and thrust.
1341
01:29:57,016 --> 01:30:00,519
This will cause the nose to break
and your assailant's eyes to tear...
1342
01:30:00,728 --> 01:30:02,312
...giving you a chance to get away.
1343
01:30:02,563 --> 01:30:06,566
All right. Let's say your assailant
comes at you from behind.
1344
01:30:12,031 --> 01:30:13,657
Attack me!
1345
01:30:14,325 --> 01:30:15,325
Oh.
1346
01:30:15,576 --> 01:30:18,245
Little Eric looks a little scared.
1347
01:30:21,457 --> 01:30:23,917
Maybe he needs a little applause.
1348
01:30:24,794 --> 01:30:26,461
Yeah! Eric!
1349
01:30:40,351 --> 01:30:42,144
She's kicking his ass!
1350
01:30:44,439 --> 01:30:46,064
LESLIE:
You were the best queen ever.
1351
01:30:46,274 --> 01:30:48,358
Thank you, that is so sweet.
1352
01:30:48,609 --> 01:30:51,194
Ladies, give Lori
some room to breathe.
1353
01:30:51,446 --> 01:30:52,863
Go on, now.
1354
01:30:53,197 --> 01:30:54,781
You need some powder.
1355
01:30:54,991 --> 01:30:56,950
You don't have to hold
the crown all night.
1356
01:30:57,160 --> 01:30:59,619
My God, that is disgraceful.
1357
01:30:59,787 --> 01:31:00,829
Frank!
1358
01:31:01,080 --> 01:31:04,374
Take this to the prop master.
See if you can't get it to shine.
1359
01:31:04,667 --> 01:31:08,587
If all else fails, go for the four
sensitive areas of the body.
1360
01:31:08,796 --> 01:31:10,464
But just remember to "sing."
1361
01:31:10,673 --> 01:31:12,591
S-l-N-G.
1362
01:31:16,596 --> 01:31:18,513
Solar plexus, instep...
1363
01:31:18,723 --> 01:31:20,807
...nose, groin!
1364
01:31:22,059 --> 01:31:23,226
SING.
1365
01:31:30,651 --> 01:31:32,068
Cue Stan.
1366
01:31:33,404 --> 01:31:34,529
Whoa.
1367
01:31:35,239 --> 01:31:37,115
Welcome to the Garden State!
1368
01:31:37,325 --> 01:31:42,370
When we return, we'll find out
who those lucky final five are.
1369
01:31:44,832 --> 01:31:46,374
Let's go find Frank.
1370
01:31:46,584 --> 01:31:48,251
Take left. I'll take this side.
1371
01:31:48,503 --> 01:31:50,128
No, evening gown. Now.
1372
01:31:58,930 --> 01:32:01,264
STAN: Ladies! In one moment,
five of you...
1373
01:32:01,432 --> 01:32:03,767
...will be one step
closer to the crown.
1374
01:32:05,353 --> 01:32:07,771
And one of those five...
1375
01:32:08,189 --> 01:32:09,523
...is...
1376
01:32:12,026 --> 01:32:13,151
...California!
1377
01:32:15,947 --> 01:32:17,739
Leslie Williams is a music major.
1378
01:32:17,949 --> 01:32:21,743
She believes in the healing power
of music. Loves opera, reggae...
1379
01:32:22,036 --> 01:32:25,664
...and, like any true California girl,
the Beach Boys.
1380
01:32:27,083 --> 01:32:28,542
Rhode Island!
1381
01:32:29,627 --> 01:32:32,629
Cheryl Frasier is a science major.
Her field is...
1382
01:32:32,797 --> 01:32:36,967
...nuclear fission with a minor
in elementary particles.
1383
01:32:38,928 --> 01:32:40,220
STAN:
Nebraska!
1384
01:32:41,305 --> 01:32:44,933
For Kelly Beth Kelly,
all the world is a stage.
1385
01:32:45,268 --> 01:32:47,143
A theater major...
1386
01:32:47,311 --> 01:32:51,314
...she helps run a drama program
for underprivileged children.
1387
01:32:51,983 --> 01:32:53,400
New Jersey!
1388
01:32:54,485 --> 01:32:58,280
Gracie Lou Freebush hopes
to become a pediatrician.
1389
01:32:58,489 --> 01:33:00,782
Gracie, it's you. Go!
1390
01:33:00,992 --> 01:33:05,328
KATHY: Her hobbies include
figure skating, water ballet...
1391
01:33:05,580 --> 01:33:08,498
...and taking long,
luxurious bubble baths.
1392
01:33:10,626 --> 01:33:12,335
You go, Gracie Lou.
1393
01:33:12,962 --> 01:33:15,505
And our fifth finalist:
1394
01:33:15,715 --> 01:33:17,674
Texas!
1395
01:33:18,342 --> 01:33:21,011
Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.
1396
01:33:21,262 --> 01:33:24,514
In her spare time,
she works in a homeless shelter...
1397
01:33:24,765 --> 01:33:26,308
...and eats Mexican food.
1398
01:33:28,019 --> 01:33:31,730
Thank you, ladies.
You were magnificent.
1399
01:33:36,944 --> 01:33:39,029
I want all the lesbians to know...
1400
01:33:39,238 --> 01:33:41,531
...if I can make it to the top 10,
so can you!
1401
01:33:41,741 --> 01:33:43,491
Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
1402
01:33:44,285 --> 01:33:45,535
Get her off of there!
1403
01:33:45,786 --> 01:33:47,037
Go to Stan!
1404
01:33:48,039 --> 01:33:49,789
Tina, I love you, baby!
1405
01:33:49,999 --> 01:33:52,334
I love you, Karen!
1406
01:33:55,671 --> 01:33:57,130
Whoo! Yeah!
1407
01:33:57,381 --> 01:34:02,010
And we'll be right back with our
final five lesbians. Interviews.
1408
01:34:02,219 --> 01:34:05,347
Bumper. Commercial.
Can we say "lesbians"?
1409
01:34:05,556 --> 01:34:07,140
You got a problem with that?
1410
01:34:08,059 --> 01:34:11,895
In a way, America is like a big ship.
1411
01:34:12,188 --> 01:34:15,398
When we work together
and respect each other...
1412
01:34:15,650 --> 01:34:18,234
...that's when the ship
gets safely home.
1413
01:34:19,278 --> 01:34:20,904
Terrific answer.
1414
01:34:21,155 --> 01:34:22,197
Damn it.
1415
01:34:25,076 --> 01:34:26,409
New Jersey.
1416
01:34:26,744 --> 01:34:29,704
As you may know,
there are many who consider...
1417
01:34:29,914 --> 01:34:35,085
...the Miss United States pageant
to be outdated and antifeminist.
1418
01:34:35,419 --> 01:34:37,087
What would you say to them?
1419
01:34:37,421 --> 01:34:38,755
Oh, my God.
1420
01:34:38,923 --> 01:34:42,092
I would have to say,
I used to be one of them.
1421
01:34:44,303 --> 01:34:46,596
And then I came here...
1422
01:34:46,847 --> 01:34:48,431
...and I realized that...
1423
01:34:48,599 --> 01:34:53,186
...these women are smart,
terrific people...
1424
01:34:53,396 --> 01:34:57,941
...who are just trying to make
a difference in the world.
1425
01:34:59,193 --> 01:35:01,695
We've become really good friends.
1426
01:35:02,613 --> 01:35:07,033
I know we all secretly hope the other
one will trip and fall on her face...
1427
01:35:07,952 --> 01:35:10,704
Wait a minute!
I've already done that!
1428
01:35:15,626 --> 01:35:19,838
For me, this experience has been
one of the most rewarding...
1429
01:35:21,257 --> 01:35:23,967
...and liberating experiences
of my life.
1430
01:35:26,887 --> 01:35:28,555
My God.
1431
01:35:29,223 --> 01:35:30,432
I did it.
1432
01:35:33,644 --> 01:35:34,894
And if anyone...
1433
01:35:35,396 --> 01:35:36,646
...anyone...
1434
01:35:37,148 --> 01:35:39,357
...tries to hurt one
of my new friends...
1435
01:35:39,900 --> 01:35:41,401
...I would take them out.
1436
01:35:42,069 --> 01:35:45,488
I would make them suffer so much,
they'd wish they were never born.
1437
01:35:45,656 --> 01:35:49,659
And if they ran,
I would hunt them down.
1438
01:35:54,373 --> 01:35:55,498
Thank you, Kathy.
1439
01:36:00,629 --> 01:36:04,591
A brief, shining moment,
and then that mouth.
1440
01:36:06,093 --> 01:36:08,344
Helps if you pull it out.
1441
01:36:09,680 --> 01:36:11,681
Good luck, ladies.
1442
01:36:11,891 --> 01:36:14,100
Where's the crown?
I wanted to rub it for luck.
1443
01:36:14,351 --> 01:36:15,977
Frank took it to get it polished.
1444
01:36:16,187 --> 01:36:18,980
I'll have it by the time
they announce the winner.
1445
01:36:20,191 --> 01:36:21,691
My God! It's the crown!
1446
01:36:21,942 --> 01:36:23,985
Yes, it is. You can taste it now...
1447
01:36:24,195 --> 01:36:25,403
No, no, no!
1448
01:36:25,613 --> 01:36:29,824
It goes Texas, Rhode Island
and New Jersey. Let's go.
1449
01:36:30,117 --> 01:36:32,160
Not the...
This. In the...
1450
01:36:32,369 --> 01:36:33,995
SCOTT:
Finale positions.
1451
01:36:34,205 --> 01:36:39,209
Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown.
You are the crown.
1452
01:36:44,381 --> 01:36:49,719
And now, the moment
of truth and beauty.
1453
01:36:50,805 --> 01:36:52,222
STAN:
The envelope, please.
1454
01:37:05,653 --> 01:37:06,694
What?
1455
01:37:07,822 --> 01:37:09,739
A lot of tension.
1456
01:37:10,074 --> 01:37:11,825
The fourth runner-up is...
1457
01:37:12,576 --> 01:37:13,576
...California!
1458
01:37:22,419 --> 01:37:24,170
KATHY:
The third runner-up is...
1459
01:37:26,590 --> 01:37:27,924
...Nebraska!
1460
01:37:36,058 --> 01:37:38,768
- Am I in danger here?
- Wait here.
1461
01:37:38,978 --> 01:37:41,271
STAN:
The second runner-up is Texas!
1462
01:37:56,245 --> 01:37:57,537
Drop it!
1463
01:37:57,872 --> 01:37:59,414
I mean it! Drop it!
1464
01:37:59,623 --> 01:38:00,707
This is it.
1465
01:38:00,916 --> 01:38:01,958
The moment.
1466
01:38:02,126 --> 01:38:06,129
One of these two ladies
will wear the crown.
1467
01:38:07,256 --> 01:38:09,132
Listen to me!
1468
01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:11,467
I'm gonna reach for my badge, slow.
1469
01:38:11,635 --> 01:38:13,511
You do, and you're dead.
1470
01:38:15,973 --> 01:38:17,307
STAN:
The first runner-up...
1471
01:38:17,558 --> 01:38:20,810
...who will have to take the winner's
place if, for any reason...
1472
01:38:21,020 --> 01:38:23,021
...she cannot fulfill her duties is:
1473
01:38:24,982 --> 01:38:26,774
New Jersey! Which means...
1474
01:38:26,984 --> 01:38:28,318
...our new Miss United States is:
1475
01:38:28,527 --> 01:38:29,611
Don't take the crown.
1476
01:38:29,820 --> 01:38:31,487
Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!
1477
01:38:31,655 --> 01:38:35,783
- Don't take the crown. Trust me.
- I can't hear you. What?
1478
01:38:39,038 --> 01:38:41,789
STAN:
She reigns over all she sees
1479
01:38:42,666 --> 01:38:44,667
She's beauty and she's grace
1480
01:38:44,835 --> 01:38:49,547
She's queen of 50 states
She's elegance and taste
1481
01:38:50,174 --> 01:38:52,467
She's Miss United States
1482
01:38:53,469 --> 01:38:56,554
Hold your crown up high
1483
01:38:58,599 --> 01:39:02,101
Go ahead, hold your crown up high
1484
01:39:04,647 --> 01:39:06,314
Raise it to the sky
1485
01:39:08,192 --> 01:39:09,651
Jersey's gone berserk!
1486
01:39:10,069 --> 01:39:11,653
Get her off the stage!
1487
01:39:11,820 --> 01:39:13,529
Get away! Get away!
1488
01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:16,783
STAN:
Hold your crown up high
1489
01:39:18,327 --> 01:39:21,371
Raise it to the sky
1490
01:39:22,373 --> 01:39:26,334
Hold your crown up high
1491
01:39:33,175 --> 01:39:34,384
She stands for all that's good
1492
01:39:35,177 --> 01:39:37,887
She loves her neighborhood
1493
01:39:39,974 --> 01:39:42,976
She's friends with everyone she meets
1494
01:39:45,062 --> 01:39:47,146
She's beauty and she's grace
1495
01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:49,524
She's queen of 50 states
1496
01:39:50,526 --> 01:39:54,195
She's elegance and taste
1497
01:39:54,363 --> 01:39:57,240
She's Miss United States
1498
01:39:57,408 --> 01:39:59,534
Hold your crown up high
1499
01:39:59,702 --> 01:40:00,743
Gracie!
1500
01:40:01,036 --> 01:40:05,540
Hold your crown up high
1501
01:40:24,893 --> 01:40:27,937
She's Miss United States.
1502
01:40:30,274 --> 01:40:31,733
Okay.
1503
01:40:33,152 --> 01:40:34,944
Good show, everybody.
1504
01:40:35,946 --> 01:40:39,741
- I was right in the middle of my song!
- There she is!
1505
01:40:42,453 --> 01:40:45,121
You got nothing on me.
This is ridiculous.
1506
01:40:45,372 --> 01:40:48,916
Where you're going, they'd love
to meet a former beauty queen.
1507
01:40:49,126 --> 01:40:51,294
When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T.
1508
01:40:53,797 --> 01:40:55,298
Miss Hart, you don't understand.
1509
01:40:55,466 --> 01:40:59,177
All I'm guilty of is trying to make
the world a more beautiful place.
1510
01:40:59,386 --> 01:41:00,636
Look at yourself.
1511
01:41:00,804 --> 01:41:03,973
When I met you, Dennis Rodman
looked better in a dress.
1512
01:41:04,224 --> 01:41:06,559
But now you're a lady! I did that.
1513
01:41:06,769 --> 01:41:10,980
Vic did that, and a team of highly
specialized federal manicurists...
1514
01:41:11,190 --> 01:41:13,691
...and people who make you beautiful.
1515
01:41:13,901 --> 01:41:15,276
Get in the car.
1516
01:41:15,486 --> 01:41:17,403
You think you saved something.
1517
01:41:17,613 --> 01:41:21,949
All you did was to destroy the dream
of young women all over the country.
1518
01:41:22,159 --> 01:41:23,785
Their dream is to get blown up?
1519
01:41:23,994 --> 01:41:25,995
You got a good shot
at that insanity plea.
1520
01:41:26,497 --> 01:41:27,622
I earned it!
1521
01:41:27,831 --> 01:41:30,458
Years of bitching beauty
queens and what do I get?
1522
01:41:30,667 --> 01:41:34,587
Fired! They steal my life,
they steal my beauty pageant.
1523
01:41:34,797 --> 01:41:39,008
Hey! It is not a beauty pageant.
It is a scholarship program.
1524
01:41:39,218 --> 01:41:40,718
Yeah, yeah.
1525
01:41:40,844 --> 01:41:41,928
"Yes."
1526
01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:52,146
Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio
Women's Correctional Facility Pageant!
1527
01:41:56,276 --> 01:41:58,736
- Get it? The Women's Correctional...
- Hey.
1528
01:42:00,030 --> 01:42:01,531
That was good work.
1529
01:42:04,034 --> 01:42:05,243
Right back at you.
1530
01:42:08,372 --> 01:42:10,748
So, how does it feel?
1531
01:42:11,458 --> 01:42:13,334
Throwing the rule book
out of the window?
1532
01:42:13,544 --> 01:42:15,294
Pretty good, actually.
1533
01:42:16,255 --> 01:42:17,880
I was thinking...
1534
01:42:18,048 --> 01:42:19,465
...when we get back...
1535
01:42:19,675 --> 01:42:23,052
...after we write up our reports
and you get all ugly again...
1536
01:42:23,470 --> 01:42:25,555
...maybe we could have dinner?
1537
01:42:25,764 --> 01:42:28,224
What? You asking me out on a date?
1538
01:42:28,892 --> 01:42:30,560
No. Just a casual dinner.
1539
01:42:30,811 --> 01:42:33,729
If we happen to have sex afterwards,
so be it.
1540
01:42:37,317 --> 01:42:40,236
You think I'm gorgeous.
1541
01:42:40,404 --> 01:42:43,281
You want to date me...
1542
01:42:43,490 --> 01:42:46,325
...love me and marry me.
1543
01:42:57,796 --> 01:42:59,714
ERIC:
A part of you is gonna miss this.
1544
01:42:59,923 --> 01:43:02,091
The heels.
They do something for my posture.
1545
01:43:02,342 --> 01:43:04,510
I'm suddenly very aware
and proud of my breasts.
1546
01:43:04,720 --> 01:43:07,096
- Funny, me too.
- Agent Matthews! Gracie!
1547
01:43:07,347 --> 01:43:08,681
Thank God you're still here.
1548
01:43:08,891 --> 01:43:10,433
There's been an emergency.
1549
01:43:10,684 --> 01:43:14,103
Somebody found some
sort of incendiary device.
1550
01:43:14,313 --> 01:43:16,105
Come on, quickly!
1551
01:43:16,690 --> 01:43:17,732
Excuse me. FBI.
1552
01:43:17,900 --> 01:43:21,944
CHERYL: She saved the pageant,
she saved our lives, and here she is!
1553
01:43:25,324 --> 01:43:26,616
That's not gonna work for me.
1554
01:43:27,701 --> 01:43:28,951
I can't go up there!
1555
01:43:29,244 --> 01:43:30,578
It was his idea, Gracie Lou.
1556
01:43:30,787 --> 01:43:33,623
I'd never get you here unless
you could shoot someone.
1557
01:43:33,874 --> 01:43:35,625
You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.
1558
01:43:36,335 --> 01:43:37,376
Come on.
1559
01:43:37,586 --> 01:43:38,961
Come on!
1560
01:43:41,840 --> 01:43:46,928
Ladies and gentlemen,
agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!
1561
01:43:50,349 --> 01:43:51,641
Not so fast!
1562
01:43:51,892 --> 01:43:54,977
Because even though
you're a federal officer...
1563
01:43:55,270 --> 01:43:58,981
...to us, you will always be
Gracie Lou Freebush.
1564
01:43:59,149 --> 01:44:03,986
The nicest, sweetest,
coolest girl at the pageant...
1565
01:44:04,238 --> 01:44:06,989
...and this year's Miss Congeniality!
1566
01:44:24,007 --> 01:44:25,174
I, uh...
1567
01:44:25,592 --> 01:44:27,635
I don't know what to say.
1568
01:44:28,804 --> 01:44:30,763
Except for...
1569
01:44:31,181 --> 01:44:32,932
...I can't wear this at work.
1570
01:44:35,352 --> 01:44:38,187
I never thought anything like
this would happen to me.
1571
01:44:38,689 --> 01:44:42,400
I kind of hoped it wouldn't.
But now that it has...
1572
01:44:42,859 --> 01:44:44,402
...I just want to say that...
1573
01:44:44,611 --> 01:44:46,028
...l'm very...
1574
01:44:49,199 --> 01:44:50,283
...very honored.
1575
01:44:51,785 --> 01:44:52,827
And...
1576
01:44:54,037 --> 01:44:55,037
...moved.
1577
01:44:55,706 --> 01:44:56,914
And...
1578
01:44:59,543 --> 01:45:01,210
...truly touched.
1579
01:45:05,007 --> 01:45:06,173
And...
1580
01:45:13,432 --> 01:45:15,308
...I really do want world peace.
1581
01:50:10,687 --> 01:50:12,688
[ENGLISH SDH]
109810
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