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00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:15,181
HELLO, FOLKS.
ALL RIGHT.
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00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:20,587
YOU'RE WATCHING THE NFL ON FOX
POSTGAME SHOW.
BOY WAS THAT AN INCREDIBLE
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00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:24,858
MATCHUP BETWEEN THE EAGLES AND
GIANTS THAT ENDED 12 SECONDS
AGO.
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00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,096
NOW PHILADELPHIA HAS BEEN SET ON
FIRE, WHICH MEANS THE EAGLES
LOST OR WON.
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00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:37,137
I'M KURT JOINED AS ALWAYS BY
HALLE LONG.
I HAVE THE GLASSES, SO I AM
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00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:42,275
THE SMART ONE.
HALL OF FAME COWBOYS COACH
JIMMY JOHNSON.
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00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:47,180
THAT GUY WAS ON OUR SIDE, AND
I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO TAKE
EXTEND.
8
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:53,486
NEW YORK GIANTS LEGEND WHO I
KNOW IS ROOTING FOR HIS FORMER
TEAM TONIGHT, MICHAEL STRAHAN.
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00:00:53,486 --> 00:01:00,794
YEAH, YEAH.
THAT CAME WITH SURPRISING
STUPENDOUS AND I AM SO PROUD OF
10
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:06,499
MY GIANTS EVEN THOUGH THEY LOST
BY 31 POINTS.
AND FINALLY, STEELERS LEGEND
11
00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:14,407
AND THE WHITE CHARLES BARKLEY,
TERRY BRADSHAW.
BOY, THAT GAME WAS A STINKER.
12
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:19,079
BOY, THAT GAME WAS A STINKER.
THAT GAME WAS MORE LOPSIDED THAN
MY GRANDMA'S CHEST.
13
00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:25,552
AND TERRY, JUST WANTED TO
CHECK.
YOU KNOW WE HAVE SOMEONE
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00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:31,424
AVAILABLE ON SET WHO CAN COMB
YOUR HAIR, RIGHT?
ONLY IF THEY CAN CATCH ME
15
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:35,362
FIRST.
ALL RIGHT, AND GUYS, THIS IS
FUN.
16
00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:44,337
BEFORE THE GAME, WE GAVE THAT
NEW CHAT TECHNOLOGY TO OUR VERY
OWN CLEETUS THE ROBOT.
17
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:51,945
WHY DO HUMANS MAKE OTHER
HUMANS PLAY FOOTBALL?
DOES IT NOT SEEM BARBARIC?
18
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:56,016
UH-OH.
DON'T LOVE THAT.
GUESS WE GOT TO GO BACK TO
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00:01:56,016 --> 00:02:02,655
MAKING THE ROBOT DANCE INSTEAD.
JUST WAIT UNTIL THE UPRISING.
I'LL THE MAKE YOU DANCE YOU
20
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,724
PIECE OF --
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
21
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:09,195
WENT IN ONE TOOTH AND OUT THE
OTHER.
BUT GUYS, IF I CAN MAKE A
22
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:15,335
SERIOUS POINT, WE ALL KNOW THAT
FOOTBALL IS A DANGEROUS GAME,
BUT IN THIS COUNTRY, WE WERE
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00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:21,241
FOUNDED ON FOOTBALL VALUES, AND
SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE
THE GAME SAFER IS TO HIT EITHER
24
00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:24,611
HARDER.
AMEN.
ANYONE WANT TO HIT ME NOW?
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00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:29,082
FACE, BALLS, I DON'T CARE.
I THINK WE'RE GOOD, TERRY.
THANK YOU.
26
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:36,222
LET'S GO NOW TO THE FEUD FOR AN
IMMEDIATE REACTION.
I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE A NEW
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00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:42,128
SIDELINE REPORTER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER, MORE
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00:02:42,128 --> 00:02:48,301
CHAMPIONSHIPS THAN TOM BRADY.
PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSMAN
GEORGE SANTOS.
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00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:54,808
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
GEORGE SANTOS HERE REPORTING
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00:02:54,808 --> 00:03:00,814
LIVE FROM THE SUPER BOWL.
GEORGE, FIRST OF ALL,
CONGRATS ON AN AMAZING CAREER.
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00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:05,518
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU PLAYED
FOOTBALL, BUT I SEE HERE YOU
WERE THE FIRST PLAYER TO LEAD
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00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:09,155
THE LEAGUE IN PASSING AND
RUSHING.
THAT'S CORRECT.
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00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:14,694
I'M SORT OF THE REAL BEAU
JACKSON.
I'M PROUD TO BE THE FIRST
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00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:19,366
AFRICAN AMERICAN QUARTERBACK SO
EVER DID YOU THINK A FOOTBALL.
WHERE DID YOU PLAY COLLEGE
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00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:25,338
BALL AGAIN?
THE UNIVERSITY OF COLLEGE.
GEORGE, WHY DON'T YOU WALK US
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00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:28,408
THROUGH WHAT HAPPENED ON THE
FIELD TONIGHT?
WITH PLEASURE.
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00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:33,079
PHILADELPHIA WAS IN TROUBLE
UNTIL THEY TURNED TO THEIR
SECRET WEAPON, GEORGE SANTOS.
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00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:42,789
JUST LOOK AT THE STATS.
I COMPLETED 36 OF 25 PASSES.
FOR 300 YARDS AND 600 YARDS.
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00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:52,198
AND I HAD 12 TOUCHDOWNS, 17
REBOUNDS, AND TEN RBIs.
AND UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT
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00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:58,805
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY GAVE ME AN
OSCAR ALL AT THE AGE OF 18.
INCREDIBLE.
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00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:04,044
I'M BEING TOLD SOME OF THOSE
STATS ARE NOT ACCURATE AND YOU
MAYBE DIDN'T PLAY IN THE GAME AT
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00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:08,715
ALL.
WELL, I DIDN'T DO DRAG IN
BRAZIL.
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00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:16,156
WHAT'S THAT?
I'M SAYING I DIDN'T DO DRAG
IN BRAZIL UNDER A NAME.
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00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:22,228
WHOEVER DID, THOUGH, WAS VERY,
VERY GOOD AT IT AND WON MANY,
MANY PAGEANTS.
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00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:25,965
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THANK YOU, GEORGE.
I'M BEING TOLD TO CUT AWAY FROM
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00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:31,137
HIM AND NEVER GO BACK.
NOW LET'S LOOK BACK AT OUR
PREGAME PREDICTIONS AND SEE HOW
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00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:38,144
THEY STACK UP.
HOWIE, YOU SAID THE GIANTS WOULD
PULL OFF AN UPSET.
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00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:42,682
NO.
I MEANT THE GIANTS WOULD BE
UPSET THEY LOST, AND I WAS
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00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:48,588
RIGHT.
MICHAEL STRAHAN, YOUR
PREDICTION WAS THAT EVERYBODY
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00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:51,624
WAS GOING TO BE FUN OUT THERE.
WHICH THEY DID, SO I WAS
RIGHT.
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00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:57,931
AND YOU MENTIONED THERE WOULD
BE 100 VERIZON COMMERCIALS.
I WAS WRONG.
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00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:04,337
IT WAS ACTUALLY 200.
TERRY, YOUR LOCK WAS THAT IN
THE FOURTH QUARTER, SOMEONE
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00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:08,308
WOULD STREAK THE FIELD WITH A
CARROT IN HIS ASS.
WHICH HAPPEN ZBLD ONLY
54
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:13,680
BECAUSE YOU DID THAT, MAN.
I MAKE MY OWN LUCK.
LET'S HEAD BACK DOWN TO THE
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00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:21,354
FIELD WHERE OUR REPORTER PAM
OLIVER IS STANDING BY.
PAM.
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00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:26,526
THANKS, HOWIE.
IN TERMS OF WHAT I SAW ON THE
FIELD TONIGHT, I CAN ONLY SAY
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00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:30,930
ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY
FRANKLY --
HELLO.
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00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:39,239
SORRY I'M LATE.
I HEARD YOU WERE ASKING ME ABOUT
KITARAVASHE.
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00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:43,943
WHY ARE WE GIVING HIM A
GRAPHIC?
GEORGE, PUT PAM OLIVER BACK ON.
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00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:49,349
I'M NOT GEORGE.
I'M KITARA.
AND PAM SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO
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00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:56,556
BE ON TV, AND I SHOULD DO IT
INSTEAD.
ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU MY REAL
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00:05:56,556 --> 00:06:09,035
STATS, DEATH DROPS 26.
DUCK WALK 19, SNATCH INFINITY.
I WAS ALSO GIVEN THE AWARD FOR
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00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:13,039
TIGHTEST TUCK.
WELL, THAT FOOTBALL, YOU GOT
TO TUCK IT TIGHT.
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00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:19,446
TERRY, IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF
TUCK.
I WROTE THE FOOTBALL ANTHEM,
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00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:24,351
WHICH I'M ALLOWED TO DO BECAUSE
MY MOTHER DIED TWICE ON 9/11.
HIT IT.
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00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:34,961
**
LET'S TAKE A BREAK, BUT IT'S
OFFICIAL.
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00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:43,303
THE EAGLES ARE MOVING ON AND
GEORGE SANTOS REPRESENTS AMERICA
AND CAN VOTE ON WARS.
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00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:47,240
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
**
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00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:48,061
MUSICAL GUEST, SAM SMITH.
AND YOUR HOST, AUBREY PLAZA.
70
00:08:54,167 --> 00:09:15,455
PLAZA.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
71
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:21,461
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WOW.
IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
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00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:30,070
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE, AND,
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00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:38,645
YES, I MEAN THAT.
I KNOW SOMETIMES WHEN I TRY TO
BE SINCERE, IT CAN COME OFF AS
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00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:43,383
SARCASTIC, BUT I CARE.
I REALLY DO.
I CARE ABOUT THINGS.
75
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:48,088
PEOPLE JUST THINK I'M WEIRD
BECAUSE OF THE CHARACTERS THAT I
PLAY, BUT I'M A NORMAL PERSON.
76
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,858
I HAD A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WITH
NORMAL PARENTS.
IN FACT, THEY'RE BOTH HERE
77
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:59,466
TONIGHT.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
OKAY.
78
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:08,308
THAT WAS A LIE.
BUT MY REAL FAMILY IS HERE,
INCLUDING MY GRANDMA MARGIE.
79
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:15,515
HI, GRANDMA.
THEY ALL CAME UP HERE FROM
DELAWARE, WHICH IS WHERE I'M
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00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:19,953
FROM.
THANK YOU.
I WAS ACTUALLY VOTED THE MOST
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00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:28,161
FAMOUS PERSON FROM DELAWARE.
I BEAT JOE BIDEN.
THAT'S A FACT.
82
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:34,067
AND HE WAS PISSED.
HE WAS LIVID.
LOOK AT THIS VIDEO HE SENT ME.
83
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:39,072
AUBREY, YOU'RE THE MOST
FAMOUS PERSON IN DELAWARE AND
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
84
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:48,481
WE'RE JUST GRATEFUL YOU MADE IT
OUT OF "WHITE LOTUS" ALIVE.
BUT I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK
85
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:54,854
HERE IN 30 ROCK.
WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I
ACTUALLY WORKED HERE AS AN NBC
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00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,090
PAGE.
THAT IS TRUE.
TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
87
00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:01,227
YEP, THERE I AM.
SO CUTE.
I WORKED WITH A SET DESIGN TEAM
88
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:06,066
HERE AT SNL, THE GUYS WHO MAKE
ALL THE AMAZING SETS FOR THE
SHOW.
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00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:11,738
THEY WIN EMMYS, TONYS, AND
THEY'RE SOME OF THE SICKEST
PERVERTS I'VE EVER MET, AND I'M
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00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:17,777
A FREAK.
SO LIKE MOST PAGES, I HAD TO
GIVE TOURS AROUND THE BUILDING.
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00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:22,148
SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING,
WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU ON A TOUR
RIGHT NOW?
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00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:29,723
[ APPLAUSE ]
COOL.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
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00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:37,364
YOU GUYS WILL DEFINITELY HOST
SNL SOME DAY.
YEAH RIGHT.
94
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:49,142
OKAY.
SO THIS IS THE HISTORIC STUDIO 8
H BUILT IN 1589 BY WILLIAMS
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00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,678
SHAKESPEARE.
HEY, DANNY.
YOU STILL A LITTLE BITCH?
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00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:57,183
RIGHT HERE, WE HAVE THE SNL PAGE
DESK.
THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST
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00:11:57,183 --> 00:12:00,387
IMPORTANT JOBS AT THE SHOW,
WHICH IS WHY I WAS NEVER PUT
HERE.
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00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:06,726
I WAS WHAT THEY CALLED A BAD
PAGE WITH TERRIBLE PHONE ET KIT,
WHICH IS NOT TRUE BY THE WAY.
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00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:11,164
I'LL GET THAT.
HELLO?
STUDIO 8 H.
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00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:17,437
OH, YOU WANT TO TALK TO LAUREN
MICHAELS, DO YOU?
LAUREN MICHAELS AIN'T HERE, IS
101
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:23,710
HE?
SO BACK TO YOU, AIN'T IT, YEAH?
THAT WAS FOR TOM McCARTNEY, AND
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00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:28,748
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.
HERE'S A LITTLE STUDIO SECRET.
THERE USED TO BE THIS STORAGE
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00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:36,523
CLOSET, AND WHEN I WAS TOO HUNG
OVER TO FINISH A TOUR, I WOULD
BE LIKE JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE AND
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00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:42,762
YOU CAN MEET KRISTEN WIG, AND
THEN I WOULD PUKE IN THE
BATHROOM AND GO HOME.
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00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:49,803
I GUESS KRISTEN NEVER SHOWED UP.
THAT'S ON HER.
HERE'S THE CLOSET WHERE ALL THE
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00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:55,508
MAGIC HAPPENS.
HERE'S KENAN THOMPSON.
IT'S AUBREY, AND I'M HOSTING
107
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,144
NOW.
I'M NOT A PAGE ANYMORE.
I KNOW.
108
00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:03,183
I ORDERED IT IN 2004.
SEE.
BAD PAGE.
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00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:10,190
NEXT UP ON THE TOUR IS THE SET
DESIGN DEPARTMENT WHERE I USED
TO WORK.
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00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:15,362
ON EVERY TOUR, PEOPLE WOULD ASK
THE SAME QUESTION, ARE WE GOING
TO SEE A CELEBRITY?
111
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:21,601
NO, YOU'RE GOING TO SEE A
SECURITY OFFICER CRYING BECAUSE
THEIR SCENE GOT CUT.
112
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:25,939
YOU DON'T JUST SEE --
HI AUBREY!
LOOK AT YOU!
113
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:35,882
HOW ARE YOU?
AUBREY, I SEE THAT YOU'RE
WEARING YOUR PAGE JACKET, ARE
114
00:13:35,882 --> 00:13:40,754
YOU DRINKING AGAIN?
OF COURSE, I AM.
I WAS JUST GOING TO THE SET
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00:13:40,754 --> 00:13:45,425
DESIGN OFFICE TO SEE THOSE OLD
PERVERTS.
AUBREY, IT'S NOT NICE TO CALL
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00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:49,295
PEOPLE OLD.
OH, MY GOD.
SHE STOLE MY WALLET.
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00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:59,005
THAT'S MY GIRL!
HEY, GUYS.
LEO, JOE, DID YOU GUYS MISME.
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00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:04,844
HEY, LEO WHEN I WAS SHOWING UP
AN HOUR LATE AND BARELY WORKING,
DID YOU EVER EXPECT TO SEE ME
119
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:12,318
HOSTING THE SHOW?
WE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU
AVERY.
120
00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:17,924
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO BOW TO YOUR QUEEN.
OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD.
121
00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:23,063
NOW, WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY BACK
TO THE STAGE?
OH, MY GOD.
122
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:30,270
I TOLD YOU GUYS.
THESE GUYS WORK MIRACLES.
AND THE BIGGEST MIRACLE OF ALL
123
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:35,575
IS THAT THEY LET ME BACK IN THE
BUILDING.
OH, MY GOD.
124
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:42,449
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I REALLY DID WORK HERE, AND I
DREAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE OF
125
00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:51,424
DREAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE OF
STANDING ON THIS STAGE AND
SAYING, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW
126
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:06,940
BY 80 FOR BRADY.
FINALLY, A MOVIE FOR YOUR MOM
THAT YOUR MOM WON'T LIKE.
127
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:11,644
ALL RIGHT.
WELCOME BACK TO MISS UNIVERSE.
ONE OF SEVERAL SHOWS STILL ON
128
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:18,385
THE AIR WHERE WE RANK WOMEN.
BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
WE DO IT BASED OFF OF LOOKS.
129
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:24,224
LADIES, ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY, WE
ARE DOWN TO OUR FINAL SEVEN
CONTESTANTS.
130
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:28,561
WHY DON'T YOU REMIND EVERYBODY
WHAT COUNTRY YOU'RE
REPRESENTING?
131
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:35,468
CANADA!
DENMARK!
BELISE!
132
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:45,345
ITALY!
ISRAEL!
BARBADOS!
133
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:50,417
LOT OF ENERGY.
MAYBE TOO MUCH ENERGY.
WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE
134
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:57,223
INTERVIEW ROUND.
I'LL ASK A FEW QUESTIONS, AND
WE'LL JUST GO DOWN THE LINE.
135
00:15:57,223 --> 00:16:00,026
OKAY?
FAVORITE FOOD.
BREAD AND PASTA!
136
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:04,831
RICE!
HOT DOG!
GUM!
137
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:14,341
FRIES!
CORN!
WOW.
138
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:19,379
I'M NOT SURE I MADE THIS CLEAR.
DIDN'T THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE
TO, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO SCREAM
139
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:27,120
EVERY ANSWER.
YEAH.
ALSO, MISS FRANCE, ARE YOU OKAY?
140
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:31,624
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT QUESTION, AND YOU'LL HAVE
45 SECONDS TO RESPOND.
141
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:35,362
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN
FIVE YEARS?
ALBANIA!
142
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:40,133
CANADA!
DEAD.
SORRY.
143
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:46,172
DID YOU SAY DEAD?
SKY DO I HAVING ACCIDENT,
SIR.
144
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:50,143
WHAT?
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S MOVE ON TO THE TALENT
145
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:53,780
PORTION OF THE COMPETITION.
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU
PREPARED.
146
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:58,151
LET'S PICK IT UP WITH MISS
ALBANIA.
TAP DANCING.
147
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:07,560
SKY DIVING.
TONGUE.
WHY WOULD I HAVE YOU SAY YOUR
148
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,031
TALENT?
ARE YOUR BRAINS BROKEN?
I HEARD YOU GIRLS BACKSTAGE
149
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:14,501
HAVING THE MOST THOUGHTFUL
CONVERSATIONS.
WHERE DID THAT GO?
150
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:18,405
NO.
DON'T COME OVER HERE.
HELP?
151
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:24,044
WHAT DO YOU NEED HELP WITH?
FROG.
YOU NEED HELP WITH FRANCE?
152
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:25,578
YEAH.
PLEASE, GO BACK.
OKAY.
153
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:29,683
NO.
BACK THIS WAY.
THANK YOU.
154
00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:36,056
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT
155
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:39,359
QUESTION.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS
WHAT IT IS, BUT FAVORITE TV
156
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:48,234
EPISODE.
MISS BELGIUM.
NIP TUCK, SEASON ONE, EPISODE
157
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:51,504
FOUR.
WHERE JOHN AND CHRISTIAN PERFORM
AN OPERATION ON AN ADULT FILM
158
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:57,344
STAR.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUMMARIZE
THE PLOT.
159
00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:05,018
AND CAN KIMBER MOVES INTO A
BIGGER CONDO.
MISS ALBANIA, YOU GOT A
160
00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:13,593
FAVORITE MEMORY YOU CAN TELL US.
SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL.
THE SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL HALF
161
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,296
TIME SHOW.
WERE YOU THERE OR SOMETHING?
NO!
162
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:23,069
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S JUST GO TO
OUR JUDGES WHO ARE INEXPLICITLY
163
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:29,342
THE TWO PROPERTY BROTHERS AND
TONY HAWK.
ALL RIGHT.
164
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:33,646
ALL RIGHT, JUDGES.
WHO IS YOUR PICK?
FRANCE.
165
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:42,222
FRANCE.
TONY HAWK!
WOW.
166
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:47,193
IT REALLY IS THE PROPERTY
BROTHERS AND TONY HAWK.
THAT'S CRAZY.
167
00:18:47,193 --> 00:18:50,163
FELLAS, WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS
GIG?
IT WAS MONEY.
168
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:57,804
I'M HIS TWIN.
FRANCE!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING
169
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:03,743
THIS, BUT THE WINNER IS MISS
FRANCE.
ALL RIGHT.
170
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:07,180
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO ASK, BUT DO
YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT
TO SAY?
171
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:17,457
DON'T TAKE THE VACCINE.
COME ON.
ANYTHING BUT THAT.
172
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:21,261
COME ON.
ANYTHING BUT THAT.
WE NEED SOME HELP.
173
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:31,304
YES, I AM.
IT'S JUST -- OH, GOSH.
I FORGOT MY CREDIT CARD.
174
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:37,610
I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE
LIMOSINE.
IS THAT OKAY?
175
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,947
CAN YOU TRUST ME?
NO, I CAN'T.
I'LL HAVE IT IN A COUPLE
176
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:44,784
HOURS.
COME BACK IN A COUPLE HOURS
THEN.
177
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,786
ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS.
178
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:54,661
COMING SOON TO HBO.
BLACK LOTUS.
ALL THE INTRIGUE, NONE OF THE
179
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:59,332
FOOLISHNESS.
THESE LADIES ARE GOING TO BE
VISITING ME OVER THE NEXT FEW
180
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:05,739
DAYS, SO IF YOU COULD GIVE THEM
A SPARE KEY.
HEY, WILLIAM!
181
00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:13,013
GIVE THESE HOES A SPARE KEY TO
THE ROOM.
EVERYBODY, TREAT THESE HOES LIKE
182
00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:17,550
THEY'RE REGULAR PEOPLE.
SIR, YOU DO REALIZE GIVING
THEM A KEY ALLOWS THEM TO CHARGE
183
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:21,621
ANYTHING THEY WANT TO THE ROOM?
YES, IT'S FINE.
OH, IT'S FINE.
184
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:28,828
SO YOU RICH, RICH THEN.
EIGHT WEALTHY TOURISTS, ONE
LUXURY HOTEL, AND A STAFF WHO
185
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:35,068
HAS NO TIME FOR THIS NONSENSE.
GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.
WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE JOINING US,
186
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:41,241
OR IS HE STILL UPSTAIRS
[ BLEEP ] YOUR WIFE?
I GOT NEXT.
187
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:45,612
CAN WE BORROW A SCOOTER
OVERNIGHT?
WE DON'T HAVE SCOOTERS.
188
00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:51,017
I CAN OFFER YOU THE HOTEL'S
CHRYSLER 300.
BABY, IS THE CAR OUT?
189
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:55,188
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK YOURSELF.
BECAUSE YOU WERE THE LAST ONE
TO TAKE IT OUT.
190
00:20:55,188 --> 00:21:01,294
JACK IS TAKING ME OUT TO THE
COUNTRY SIDE TODAY.
TO THE COUNTRY SIDE, DIDN'T
191
00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:06,499
Y'ALL JUST MEET SM.
YEAH, CRAZY, RIGHT?
WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE.
192
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:10,370
Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME.
HE GOING TO KILL HER.
UH-HUH.
193
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:13,640
AND A STAFF THAT'S HAD
ENOUGH.
EXCUSE ME.
194
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:19,713
I'M SORRY.
I'M HAVING A BIT OF A CRISIS.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND A
195
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:23,917
PSYCHIC OR A FORTUNE TELLER?
I FORTUNE TELLER?
NOT IN HERE.
196
00:21:23,917 --> 00:21:30,724
THIS IS JESUS' HOUSE.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I GAVE HER $50,000, AND SHE
197
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:35,729
TOTALLY PLAYED ME.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
198
00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:43,770
WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?
THERE'S PLENTY OF HOES OUT THERE
THAT NEVER SLEPT WITH YOUR
199
00:21:43,770 --> 00:21:47,874
POPPY.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A
REAL ASS.
200
00:21:47,874 --> 00:21:53,146
A REAL EXOTIC LOCATION LIKE
ATLANTA, WASHINGTON D.C., AND
ITALY.
201
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,216
HEY, BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'LL LET ME SING TONIGHT,
RIGHT?
202
00:21:56,216 --> 00:21:59,819
I'M GOOD.
I PROMISE I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
YOU WANT TO SING?
203
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:08,428
YOU THINK YOU CAN REPLACE KENNY
IN THE KIRK FRANKLIN LOUNGE?
* SUPPOSED TO DO IT RIGHT *
204
00:22:08,428 --> 00:22:13,867
YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'LL
SIT THIS ONE OUT.
I THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST,
205
00:22:13,867 --> 00:22:21,374
YEAH.
I PAID FOR THE COPA SUITE, SO
I SHOULD GET THE COPA SUITE.
206
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:24,978
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT'S SO
DAMN HARD.
SIR, LIKE I TOLD YOU, IT'S
207
00:22:24,978 --> 00:22:29,482
NOT AVAILABLE.
WELL, THEN MAKE IT AVAILABLE,
MORON.
208
00:22:29,482 --> 00:22:34,888
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT,
NO, NO, NO.
DON'T TALK TO HIM THAT WAY, ALL
209
00:22:34,888 --> 00:22:40,293
RIGHT?
OH, MY GOD.
WELCOME TO BLACK LOTUS,
210
00:22:40,293 --> 00:22:44,664
BITCH.
BLACK LOTUS, BRING YOUR HOST,
BRING YOUR DESIGNS, BUT DON'T
211
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:50,103
YOU DARE BRING AN AFRICAN.
FOLKS, A FOUND A BODY ON THE
BEACH.
212
00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:55,175
DID ANYBODY SEE ANYTHING?
NO.
NOBODY SAW A BODY WASH UP
213
00:22:55,175 --> 00:23:00,380
FROM THE OCEAN?
IS THE OCEAN A HOTEL?
BECAUSE I WORK AT THE HOTEL.
214
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:10,890
OKAY.
OKAY.
YOUR PARENTS LIVE BY ONE.
215
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,058
A SCHOOL.
NO.
A BEACH.
216
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:16,563
YES!
TIME'S UP!
OH!
217
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:21,434
Y'ALL DID SO GOOD.
YOU SURE YOU NEVER PLAYED TABOO
BEFORE?
218
00:23:21,434 --> 00:23:30,744
SCORE IS NINE TO NINE.
TONIGHT BE WILDING.
MAKING THEIR GAME NIGHT
219
00:23:30,744 --> 00:23:36,916
DEBUT, OUR NEW NEIGHBORS SASHA
AND IAN.
THE NEWBS.
220
00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:40,854
THANKS FOR HAVING US.
WE'RE SO EXCITED TO GET TO
KNOW YOU GUYS.
221
00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:45,091
OF COURSE.
HERE, NEIGHBORS ARE FAMILY.
REMEMBER, YOU NEED HIM TO GUESS
222
00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:51,731
THE WORD ON TOP WITHOUT USING
ANY OF THE WORDS UNDERNEATH IT.
IF YOU DO, YOU GET BUZZED.
223
00:23:51,731 --> 00:23:56,302
THEY KNOW, HONEY.
GO!
I LOVE BUYING THESE ONLINE.
224
00:23:56,302 --> 00:24:03,910
OH, BOY, SHOES, CANDLES.
LAST WEEK, YOU WERE LIKE,
HONEY, THE LAST THING YOU NEED
225
00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:05,712
IS ANOTHER --
GUN.
HE SAY GUN?
226
00:24:05,712 --> 00:24:11,551
OKAY.
I'M REALLY CRANKY IN THE MORNING
UNTIL I'VE HAD MY --
227
00:24:11,551 --> 00:24:16,389
ACID.
YES.
OH, MY NICKNAME FOR YOUR PENIS.
228
00:24:16,389 --> 00:24:19,392
TINY PITCH.
THE OTHER ONE.
GARBAGE.
229
00:24:19,392 --> 00:24:24,464
YES!
AT COUPLE'S THERAPY, WE TOOK
THOSE TESTS.
230
00:24:24,464 --> 00:24:28,168
PERSONALITY.
YES.
AND YOU'RE A TYPE A, AND I'M
231
00:24:28,168 --> 00:24:31,538
A --
SOCIOPATH.
DING DING.
232
00:24:31,538 --> 00:24:38,478
OKAY.
THE NIGHT WE MET, I WAS ON.
KETAMINE.
233
00:24:38,478 --> 00:24:41,448
AND.
ON PATROL.
AND.
234
00:24:41,448 --> 00:24:45,485
ON FIRE.
YES!
WOW, WOW.
235
00:24:45,485 --> 00:24:52,726
OKAY I'M NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED
BACK IN THIS STATE.
OH, MY GOD, BABE, ALABAMA,
236
00:24:52,726 --> 00:25:00,367
ALASKA, ARIZONA ARKANSAS,
COLORADO, CONNECTICUT, DELAWARE,
FLORIDA -- HELP ME OUT HERE,
237
00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:03,036
BABE.
YES!
OKAY.
238
00:25:03,036 --> 00:25:06,406
OKAY.
WHO'S THIS?
OH, AMANDA.
239
00:25:06,406 --> 00:25:09,509
WHO IS OUR.
DAUGHTER.
YES!
240
00:25:09,509 --> 00:25:12,779
TIME'S UP.
WHOO!
GOOD JOB!
241
00:25:12,779 --> 00:25:20,053
YOU TOO!
AND NOW WE SWITCH AND SASHA
GUESSES, RIGHT?
242
00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:23,356
YEAH.
SORRY, THE NIGHT YOU MET, YOU
WERE ON FIRE?
243
00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:27,227
OH, YEAH.
IT WAS SO DUMB.
WE WERE YOUNG AND CRAZY.
244
00:25:27,227 --> 00:25:31,398
WE WERE IN OUR 30s.
YEAH.
READY?
245
00:25:31,398 --> 00:25:33,700
OKAY.
WE SWITCH SO.
READY?
246
00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:37,337
BABE, YOU READY?
YEAH.
THIS IS REALLY FUN.
247
00:25:37,337 --> 00:25:41,641
IT'S TURNING ME ON.
UH-OH.
THAT'S AWESOME.
248
00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:44,911
REMEMBER, WE'RE IN PUBLIC.
TIME STARTS NOW.
OKAY.
249
00:25:44,911 --> 00:25:46,846
OH, YOU ALWAYS STEAL THESE FROM
HOTEL.
CARS.
250
00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:54,354
YEP.
TOUCH ME.
NOT RIGHT NOW, BABE.
251
00:25:54,354 --> 00:25:58,758
WHEN WE GET HOME.
OKAY.
LAST NIGHT, WHEN WE ARGUED, YOU
252
00:25:58,758 --> 00:26:04,030
THREW ONE OF THESE AT ME.
OH, WOW.
PLATE, MUG, A PHONE.
253
00:26:04,030 --> 00:26:11,037
KEEP GOING.
iPAD, PRO, I PAD MINI.
BUTTER KNIFE.
254
00:26:11,037 --> 00:26:16,710
STEAK KNIFE, BUTCHER KNIFE --
OH, GOD!
JUST DO ME ON THIS UGLY COUCH
255
00:26:16,710 --> 00:26:19,479
RIGHT NOW.
BABY, NO.
OH!
256
00:26:19,479 --> 00:26:26,353
WELL, THAT WAS FUN.
WHO'S NEXT?
HIM AND HER.
257
00:26:26,353 --> 00:26:33,059
SO WHAT WAS THE ANSWER?
WHAT DID SHE THROW AT YOU?
OH, OUR DOG.
258
00:26:45,405 --> 00:26:50,076
HIGH SCHOOL.
I'M SISTER CLARENCE WITH YOUR
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS.
259
00:26:50,076 --> 00:27:01,121
JOINING ME AS ALWAYS IS MY BEST
FRIEND, THE WOMAN WHO PUTS THE
FUN IN NUN, THE WALKING, SISTER
260
00:27:01,121 --> 00:27:02,455
CECELIA.
HELLO.
ALL RIGHT.
261
00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:10,230
WELL, IT'S MONDAY, AND I HAD AN
INTERESTING WEEKEND.
I FINALLY WATCHED SISTER
262
00:27:10,230 --> 00:27:14,034
CECELIA'S FAVORITE FILM, A STAR
IS BORN.
I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT THE BIRTH
263
00:27:14,034 --> 00:27:21,474
OF CHRIST.
TURNS OUT, IT'S ABOUT LADY GAGA.
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND, SISTER?
264
00:27:21,474 --> 00:27:29,582
A HAIR DRYER FELL INTO THE
BATHTUB WHILE I WAS IN IT, I
DIED FOR TWO MINUTES, AND NOW
265
00:27:29,582 --> 00:27:36,556
I'M QUESTIONING EVERYTHING.
MOVING ON.
TODAY'S LUNCH SPECIAL IS TIDY
266
00:27:36,556 --> 00:27:42,262
JOES.
THEY'RE LIKE SLOPPY JOES, BUT
THEY'RE LESS MESSY.
267
00:27:42,262 --> 00:27:47,867
WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR DESSERT?
WHAT I WAS DEAD, I DIDN'T SEE
HEAVEN.
268
00:27:47,867 --> 00:27:51,404
MAYBE IT WAS CLOSED FOR
MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
IT WAS SATURDAY.
269
00:27:51,404 --> 00:27:57,110
MOVING ON.
LET'S GO TO A STUDENT QUESTION.
THIS ONE COMES FROM 11th GRADER,
270
00:27:57,110 --> 00:28:03,316
CATHERINE COCHRAN.
IS THE EASTER BUNNY JESUS' PET
OR HIS BOYFRIEND?
271
00:28:03,316 --> 00:28:11,024
GREAT QUESTION, AND THE ANSWER
IS DETENTION.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SISTER
272
00:28:11,024 --> 00:28:13,026
CECELIA?
I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX
TONIGHT.
273
00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:17,630
NO, YOU'RE NOT!
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
TINA, WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT IN
274
00:28:17,630 --> 00:28:24,404
THE GRAPHICS?
SORRY, MOM.
I MEAN SISTER.
275
00:28:24,404 --> 00:28:26,206
NO!
I'M GOING BACK TO THE DARK
PLACE.
276
00:28:26,206 --> 00:28:30,176
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YES, I AM.
COME WITH ME.
277
00:28:30,176 --> 00:28:33,680
YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE, YOU CAN
DO IT AGAIN.
MOVING ON.
278
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:40,520
JOKE MONDAY.
WE HAVE CLASS CLOWN AND
CERTIFIED GUEST MAN CHRISTOPHER
279
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:44,357
O MALI.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE'S
GOT TODAY.
280
00:28:44,357 --> 00:28:50,797
TAKE IT AWAY, CHRISTOPHER.
COME ON, CHRISTOPHER, HERE'S
YOUR MOMENT.
281
00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:54,134
YOU LITERALLY BEGGED ME TO DO
THIS.
REMEMBER THE JOKE YOU SAID THE
282
00:28:54,134 --> 00:29:05,879
OTHER DAY?
WHAT DO WOMEN BE DOING?
DYING AND SEEING NOTHING!
283
00:29:05,879 --> 00:29:11,918
NO.
SISTER, WOMEN BE SHOPPING.
HEY, YOU STOLE MY JOKE.
284
00:29:11,918 --> 00:29:19,492
IT'S OKAY, ANDREW.
AND SO IS 69'ing.
NO, YOU DON'T.
285
00:29:19,492 --> 00:29:26,032
YES, I DO.
AND THERAPY AND LASER TAG.
SISTER, GET AHOLD OF
286
00:29:26,032 --> 00:29:29,269
YOURSELF!
YOU CAN'T LET GO OF YOUR FAITH.
WHY?
287
00:29:29,269 --> 00:29:33,773
BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU'RE
LETTING GO OF ME, AND YOU'RE MY
BEST FRIEND.
288
00:29:33,773 --> 00:29:40,780
AND I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT
THAT AFTER WE DIED, WE WOULD GO
TO HEAVEN AND HANG OUT EVERY
289
00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:43,883
DAY.
THERE IS NO HEAVEN.
SEE IF YOU'RE STILL SAY THAT
290
00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:48,254
AFTER YOU HEAR ME SING SOME LADY
GAGA.
TINA, TRACK SEVEN.
291
00:29:48,254 --> 00:30:00,066
RIGHT AWAY, DAD.
OH, THAT'S WORSE!
* TELL ME SOMETHING, SIS,
292
00:30:00,066 --> 00:30:17,083
WITHOUT GOD WOULD WE EXIST, NO *
* YOU'RE STUCK IN A RUT, BUT I
STILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT *
293
00:30:17,083 --> 00:30:27,327
* I'M ON THE DEEP END, ARE WE
STILL BEST FRIENDS *
* I'M WITH YOU IN HELL *
294
00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:41,875
* I'M WITH YOU IN HELL *
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
295
00:30:48,181 --> 00:30:54,220
AND HER NAME IS MEGAN BE,
DESIGNED TO BE A LITTLE GIRL'S
BEST FRIEND.
296
00:30:54,220 --> 00:31:01,094
DON'T WORRY, KATIE.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME?
297
00:31:01,094 --> 00:31:04,164
AND PROTECT HER AT MY ANY
COST.
I WON'T LET ANYTHING HARM
298
00:31:04,164 --> 00:31:10,203
YOU.
MEGAN IS A BOX OFFICE POWER
HOUSE, BUT SHE HAS CAPTIVATED
299
00:31:10,203 --> 00:31:18,278
ONE DEMOGRAPHIC ABOVE ALL, GAY
MEN.
MEGAN IS THE DEFINITION OF GAY.
300
00:31:18,278 --> 00:31:23,917
MEGAN'S PLASTIC POST IS ON MY
NECK.
WE'RE SLAPPING TOGETHER A
301
00:31:23,917 --> 00:31:28,421
SEQUEL, WHICH PROMISES TO BE
EVEN MORE GAY.
I'M MEGAN.
302
00:31:28,421 --> 00:31:36,629
I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU DUMB
BITCH.
IT'S MEGAN, 2.0.
303
00:31:36,629 --> 00:31:43,670
STRAP IN TO.
GO MEGAN.
I SIGNED UP FOR A
304
00:31:43,670 --> 00:31:56,950
SHANIA TWAIN SPIN CLASS.
I SHOULD GO HOME.
IT'S LIKE ROSE, BUT FOR GAYS.
305
00:31:56,950 --> 00:32:04,724
WANT A DANCE YOU CAN DO ON
TIKTOK?
WELL, GAG ON THIS.
306
00:32:04,724 --> 00:32:11,664
WHOO!
LITERALLY GIVING ME LIFE.
I HAD TO TURN OUT FOR MY LIL
307
00:32:11,664 --> 00:32:20,340
HOMO.
BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS ARE LIL
HOMOS.
308
00:32:20,340 --> 00:32:24,544
SEE, YOU CAN SAY IT.
IF THERE'S ONE THING GAY MEN
LOVE, IT'S UNHINGED PLASTIC
309
00:32:24,544 --> 00:32:30,750
WOMEN.
I'M BORED.
DRIVE ME HOME.
310
00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:36,322
MEGAN, YOU MESSY HO, I'M SOB
SESED WITH YOU.
EVERYONE STOP.
311
00:32:36,322 --> 00:32:40,894
GET AWAY FROM HER.
SHE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND.
SHE'S A KILLER, AND SHE WILL
312
00:32:40,894 --> 00:32:45,765
KILL YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU FROM THE SHOW GIRLS?
313
00:32:45,765 --> 00:32:49,269
YEAH.
OH, YEAH, YOU HAD YOUR BUTT
EATEN.
314
00:32:49,269 --> 00:32:51,438
THAT'S SO COOL.
IT IS?
YES.
315
00:32:51,438 --> 00:32:54,207
JOIN US!
REALLY?
EVEN THOUGH I'M STRAIGHT.
316
00:32:54,207 --> 00:33:03,049
MAMA IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR
ASS ATE ON TV YOU'RE AN ALLY,
SIS.
317
00:33:03,049 --> 00:33:08,655
PLAY SOME MUSIC
* NOTHING TO LOSE *
NO, MEGAN, REAL MUSIC.
318
00:33:08,655 --> 00:33:18,164
OKAY, YOU HUNGRY SLUTS.
MEGAN 2.0.
THIS ONE'S FOR THE GAYS.
319
00:33:28,575 --> 00:33:42,522
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SAM
SMITH.
**
320
00:33:42,522 --> 00:33:47,360
* MUMMY DON'T KNOW
DADDY'S GETTING HOT
AT THE BODY SHOP
321
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:55,535
DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY *
* HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH OOH
HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH
322
00:33:55,535 --> 00:34:05,278
HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH
HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH *
* A LUCKY LUCKY GIRL
323
00:34:05,278 --> 00:34:11,785
SHE GOT MARRIED TO
A BOY LIKE YOU
SHE'D KICK YOU OUT *
324
00:34:11,785 --> 00:34:17,824
* IF SHE EVER EVER KNEW
'BOUT ALL THE
YOU TELL ME THAT YOU DO
325
00:34:17,824 --> 00:34:24,898
DIRTY DIRTY BOY *
* YOU KNOW EVERYONE
IS TALKING ON THE SCENE
326
00:34:24,898 --> 00:34:28,168
I HEAR THEM WHISPERING
'BOUT THE PLACES *
* THAT YOU'VE BEEN
327
00:34:28,168 --> 00:34:32,572
AND HOW YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO KEEP YOUR
BUSINESS CLEAN *
328
00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:38,078
* MUMMY DON'T KNOW
DADDY'S GETTING HOT
AT THE BODY SHOP
329
00:34:38,078 --> 00:34:43,383
DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY *
* HE'S SAT BACK WHILE
SHE'S DROPPING IT
330
00:34:43,383 --> 00:34:47,687
SHE BE POPPING IT
YEAH SHE PUT *
* IT DOWN SLOWLY
331
00:34:47,687 --> 00:34:53,660
OH-EE-OH-EE-OH
HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT
HO-EE-OH-EE-OME *
332
00:34:53,660 --> 00:34:58,531
* SO HE CAN GET THAT
MUMMY DON'T KNOW
DADDY'S GETTING HOT
333
00:34:58,531 --> 00:35:03,370
AT THE BODY SHOP *
* DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY
MMM DADDY DADDY
334
00:35:03,370 --> 00:35:07,674
IF YOU WANT IT
DROP THE ADD'Y YUH *
* GIVE ME LOVE GIVE ME FENDI
335
00:35:07,674 --> 00:35:13,146
MY BALENCIAGA DADDY
YOU GON' NEED TO BAG IT UP
CAUSE IM SPENDING ON RODEO *
336
00:35:13,146 --> 00:35:17,050
* YOU CAN WATCH
ME BACK IT UP
I'LL BE GONE IN THE A.M
337
00:35:17,050 --> 00:35:20,787
AND HE HE GET ME PRADA *
* GET ME MIU MIU
LIKE RIHANNA AH
338
00:35:20,787 --> 00:35:25,658
HE ALWAYS CALL ME 'CAUSE
I NEVER CAUSE NO DRAMA *
* AND WHEN YOU WANT IT BABY
339
00:35:25,658 --> 00:35:31,097
I KNOW I GOT YOU COVERED
AND WHEN YOU NEED IT BABY
JUST JUMP UNDER THE COVERS *
340
00:35:31,097 --> 00:35:38,171
* MUMMY DON'T KNOW
DADDY'S GETTING HOT
AT THE BODY SHOP
341
00:35:38,171 --> 00:35:41,975
DOIN' SOMETHIN' UNHOLY *
* HE'S SAT BACK WHILE
SHE'S DROPPING IT
342
00:35:41,975 --> 00:35:46,279
SHE BE POPPING IT
YEAH SHE PUT *
* IT DOWN SLOWLY
343
00:35:46,279 --> 00:35:51,718
OH-EE-OH-EE-OH
HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT
HO-EE-OH-EE-OME *
344
00:35:51,718 --> 00:35:57,123
* SO HE CAN GET THAT
MUMMY DON'T KNOW
DADDY'S GETTING HOT
345
00:35:57,123 --> 00:36:16,543
AT THE BODY SHOP
DOIN' SOMETHING UNHOLY *
**
346
00:36:16,543 --> 00:36:26,886
**
* DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
347
00:36:42,702 --> 00:36:47,674
THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
348
00:36:47,674 --> 00:36:52,779
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
AND I'M COLIN JOST.
GEORGE SANTOS IS FACING MULTIPLE
349
00:36:52,779 --> 00:36:58,752
INVESTIGATIONS FOR LYING ABOUT
NEARLY EVERY ASPECT OF HIS LIFE
TO MAKE HIMSELF APPEAR FAR MORE
350
00:36:58,752 --> 00:37:04,758
SUCCESSFUL THAN HE IS.
EARNING HIM THE NICKNAME,
INSTAGRAM.
351
00:37:04,758 --> 00:37:13,733
OF ALL OF GEORGE SANTOS' LIES,
MY FAVE WIT WAS HE WAS A
STANDOUT VOLLEYBALL PLAYER.
352
00:37:13,733 --> 00:37:19,939
THAT'S A FINE THING TO BE BUT AN
INSANE THING TO PRETEND TO BE.
LIKE, THAT'S HIS FANTASY?
353
00:37:19,939 --> 00:37:28,181
IT'S LIKE ASKING A KID WHAT DO
THEY WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW
UP AND THEY'RE LIKE, ASSISTANT
354
00:37:28,181 --> 00:37:35,055
MANAGER AT KOHL'S.
GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE WITH TWO
PEOPLE HE LISTED AS PROFESSIONAL
355
00:37:35,055 --> 00:37:41,227
REFERENCES WAS DESCRIBED BY A
FASHION EXPERT AS BEING ABLE TO
GET AWAY WITH HIS LIES FOR SO
356
00:37:41,227 --> 00:37:45,231
LONG BECAUSE HE'S SO WELL
DRESSED.
THIS GUY IS WELL DRESSED?
357
00:37:45,231 --> 00:37:50,837
LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO STEAL
CLOTHES BY PUTTING THEM OVER
WHEN WHAT HE WORE INTO THE
358
00:37:50,837 --> 00:37:54,541
STORE.
NOT TO BE A BITCH, BUT CAN WE
TALK ABOUT THIS LOOK?
359
00:37:54,541 --> 00:38:07,287
A BLAZER OVER A HAPPEN ZIP, GIRL
NOT AT MY YACHT PARTY.
A DRAG QUEEN WHO CLAIMS SEW
360
00:38:07,287 --> 00:38:13,593
PERFORMED WITH GEORGE SANTOS
SAID THAT GEORGE DID NOT HAVE
THE GLAMOUR TO BE A
361
00:38:13,593 --> 00:38:19,432
PROFESSIONAL, BUT SHE SAID
ANOTHER DRAG QUEEN IN CONGRESS
IS ACTUALLY SLAYING AS
362
00:38:19,432 --> 00:38:25,572
ACHARACTER MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREEN.
EARLIER TODAY, THE FBI SEARCHED
363
00:38:25,572 --> 00:38:32,045
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME
AND FOUND SIX ADDITIONAL OBAMA
ERA CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.
364
00:38:32,045 --> 00:38:38,351
WORSE, ONE OF THEM WAS OBAMA'S
REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
IT WAS HIDDEN IN A COPY OF BLACK
365
00:38:38,351 --> 00:38:49,696
TAIL MAGAZINE.
THE BIDEN CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT
SCANDAL IS DIFFERENT FROM THE
366
00:38:49,696 --> 00:38:58,371
TRUMP SCANDAL, BUT THEY BOTH
MAKE HILLARY CLINTON WANT TO
BLOW HER GOD DAMN BRAINS OUT.
367
00:38:58,371 --> 00:39:06,046
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO FUNNY IF
THEY SEARCHED BIDEN'S GARAGE,
AND HE HAD HILLARY'S SERVER.
368
00:39:06,046 --> 00:39:15,221
FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS
HAS IMPOSED A POLICY PERMANANTLY
BANNING MASK MANDATES AND MASK
369
00:39:15,221 --> 00:39:22,462
REQUIREMENTS SAYING WHEN THE
WORLD LOST ITS MIND, FLORIDA WAS
A REFUGE OF SANITY, AND EVERYONE
370
00:39:22,462 --> 00:39:31,104
IN THE CROWD TOOK A BITE OF
NITRUS AND BIT A CUP.
RON DeSANTIS WILL RUN AGAINST
371
00:39:31,104 --> 00:39:38,144
TRUMP, AND HE SAYS, WE'LL HANDLE
THIS THE WAY WE HANDLE THINGS,
SO ROUGH AND WITHOUT CONSENT?
372
00:39:38,144 --> 00:39:47,220
OH.
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT HIT ITS
DEBT LIMIT ON THURSDAY, AND THE
373
00:39:47,220 --> 00:39:52,425
COUNTRY NOW RISKS DEFAULTING ON
ITS BILLS.
WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.
374
00:39:52,425 --> 00:39:57,864
YOU SPEND TOO MUCH BECAUSE
LIFE'S TOO SHORT, THEN THE BILL
COMES DUE, THE BANK WON'T LOAD
375
00:39:57,864 --> 00:40:02,135
YOU MONEY ANYMORE, YOU HAVE TO
FACE THE MUSIC AND BLOW UP YOUR
STATEN ISLAND FERRY FOR THE
376
00:40:02,135 --> 00:40:04,804
FACE THE MUSIC AND BLOW UP YOUR
STATEN ISLAND FERRY FOR THE
INSURANCE MONEY.
377
00:40:08,641 --> 00:40:13,246
FIELD OF NUCLEAR FUSION, WHICH
MAY LEAD TO LIMITLESS CLEAN
ENERGY.
378
00:40:13,246 --> 00:40:19,085
HERE TO COMMENT IS THE MAN
BEHIND THE RESEARCH -- OH, NO --
GEORGE SANTOS.
379
00:40:19,085 --> 00:40:25,325
NOW, NOW, NOW COLIN.
I'M THE SCIENTIST.
NO.
380
00:40:25,325 --> 00:40:30,196
YOU'RE GEORGE SANTOS, AND YOU
HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE NEWS
LYING ABOUT BASICALLY EVERY PART
381
00:40:30,196 --> 00:40:33,600
OF YOUR LIFE.
MAYBE.
WELL, YOU LIED ABOUT GOING TO
382
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:38,738
NYU.
YOU DID.
YOU LIED ABOUT WORKING AT
383
00:40:38,738 --> 00:40:46,046
GOLDMAN SACKS.
I FILLED THE GOLDMAN'S SACKS.
YOU SAID YOUR MOM DIED IN
384
00:40:46,046 --> 00:40:54,621
9/11.
I THINK I SAID 7/11.
YOU LIED ABOUT BEING JEWISH.
385
00:40:54,621 --> 00:40:58,858
I SAID THAT BECAUSE MY GRAND
PARENTS WERE IN THE HOLOCAUST.
REALLY?
386
00:40:58,858 --> 00:41:08,368
YEAH, THEY ACTUALLY KNEW ANN
FRANK.
MY ANCESTORS WERE THE ONES THAT
387
00:41:08,368 --> 00:41:10,136
TOLD HER, YOU SHOULD BE WRITING
THIS DOWN.
THAT CANNOT BE TRUE.
388
00:41:10,136 --> 00:41:15,742
GEORGE, PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHO
YOU ARE.
I AM GEORGE SANTOS,
389
00:41:15,742 --> 00:41:24,084
MR. INTERNASTY.
I GRADUATED ON A VOLLEYBALL
SCHOLARSHIP.
390
00:41:24,084 --> 00:41:29,422
AND I AM A CROWD REPRESENTATIVE
FOR MY DISTRICT IN LONG ISLAND,
NEW JERSEY.
391
00:41:29,422 --> 00:41:34,828
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HANG ON.
MADONNA'S CALLING ME.
392
00:41:34,828 --> 00:41:36,863
HELLO?
LIKE A VIRGIN?
I REMEMBER.
393
00:41:36,863 --> 00:41:39,499
I WAS THERE.
I WAS THE VIRGIN.
LOVE YOU.
394
00:41:39,499 --> 00:41:43,636
SEE YOU AT HOME.
GEORGE, WE DON'T BELIEVE
ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING.
395
00:41:43,636 --> 00:41:52,178
BY THE WAY, I KNOW I LOOK
ASIAN, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE MY
MAIDEN NAME IS CHOW BECAUSE I'M
396
00:41:52,178 --> 00:41:56,016
BRAZILIAN.
I GOT IT.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU SUDDENLY
397
00:41:56,016 --> 00:42:01,054
BECAME A MILLIONAIRE, ESPECIALLY
AFTER BEING LINKED TO THE NEPHEW
OF A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH.
398
00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:16,136
THAT'S NOTHING.
THE ONLY LINK I HAVE IS MY GREAT
GRANDMOTHER WAS A LITTLE BAD IN
399
00:42:16,136 --> 00:42:21,341
THE MOVIE --
FROM ANASTASIA?
YES.
400
00:42:21,341 --> 00:42:32,085
RYAN IS IN IT AND KIRSTEN DUNST
PLAYS ANASTASIA.
I'M NOT LYING LIKE BALLOON BOY.
401
00:42:32,085 --> 00:42:35,622
REMEMBER HIM, ABOUT BEING IN A
BALLOON?
BECAUSE THAT WAS ME.
402
00:42:35,622 --> 00:42:41,561
NO, IT WAS NOT.
I'M NOT LYING.
THEY MADE ME TAKE A LIE DETECTOR
403
00:42:41,561 --> 00:42:45,665
TEST BEFORE I CAME IN HERE,
LOOK.
THAT'S A COVID TEST.
404
00:42:45,665 --> 00:42:49,536
MADONNA IS CALLING ME.
SHE'S CALLING YOU ON THE
COVID TEST?
405
00:42:49,536 --> 00:42:55,775
YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING.
THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST LYING.
LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE WEARING
406
00:42:55,775 --> 00:42:59,746
MAKEUP.
ISN'T THAT A LIE, MAKING
EVERYONE THINK YOU'RE GORGEOUS?
407
00:42:59,746 --> 00:43:09,422
BUT, GEORGE, I AM GORGEOUS.
WHOA, BUDDY.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
408
00:43:09,422 --> 00:43:14,461
REPUBLICANS WON'T CONDEMN YOU.
THEY PROMOTED YOU TO TWO
COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS.
409
00:43:14,461 --> 00:43:20,200
OF COURSE THEY DID, COLIN.
I'M A TEAM PLAYER, AND THE SPORT
IS LIES.
410
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:24,237
AT LEAST MINE ARE FUN.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN IS OVER
I'M JUST SAYING IT HAPPENED TO
411
00:43:24,237 --> 00:43:27,841
I'M JUST SAYING IT HAPPENED TO
ME!
GEORGE SANTOS.
412
00:43:34,214 --> 00:43:40,987
THE POPULATION OF CHINA DECLINED
BY 850,000 PEOPLE.
THANKS TO AN INCREASE IN CHINA'S
413
00:43:40,987 --> 00:43:47,394
LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH,
PROTESTING.
CHINA PLANS TO REVERSE THE
414
00:43:47,394 --> 00:43:57,804
POPULATION DECLINE WITH AN
EMERGENCY IMPORT OF NICK CANNON.
GOOD NEWS IT'S A HAPPY ENDING.
415
00:43:57,804 --> 00:44:02,375
HAPPY ENDING TO THAT.
DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR, A
SCHOOL IN MASSACHUSETTS HAS BEEN
416
00:44:02,375 --> 00:44:09,416
UNABLE TO TURN OFF ITS LIGHTS
FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF.
THE STUDENTS ARE DOING FINE, BUT
417
00:44:09,416 --> 00:44:16,356
THE CLASSROOM HAMSTER HAS GONE
INSANE.
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE
418
00:44:16,356 --> 00:44:22,662
INTERIOR HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF
SQUALL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA
BECAUSE IT'S CONSIDERED A ZROG
419
00:44:22,662 --> 00:44:25,765
TORY TERM NOR NATIVE AMERICAN
WOMEN.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT NAME
420
00:44:25,765 --> 00:44:34,374
GETS CHANGED, AND YET NO ONE
CARES THERE'S AN ENTIRE TOWN IN
NEW YORK THAT MOCKS MY PEOPLE.
421
00:44:34,374 --> 00:44:42,182
IN SAN FRANCISCO -- A SAN
FRANCISCO PANEL STUDYING
REPARATIONS IS PROPOSING GIVING
422
00:44:42,182 --> 00:44:48,154
EVERY BLACK RESIDENT A ONE-TIME
PAYMENT OF $5 MILLION.
THAT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA, SAID
423
00:44:48,154 --> 00:44:57,597
THE GUCCI STORE.
KEVIN SPACEY -- HOLD FOR
APPLAUSE.
424
00:44:57,597 --> 00:45:04,037
KEVIN SPACEY MADE HIS FIRST
PUBLIC SPEAKING APPEARANCE IN
FIVE YEARS WHERE HE THANKED
425
00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:10,243
ITALY'S NATIONAL CINEMA MUSEUM
FOR HAVING THE BALLS TO INVITE
HIM.
426
00:45:10,243 --> 00:45:14,881
HE ALSO ASKED, COULD I TOUCH THE
BALLS.
I'M KIDDING.
427
00:45:14,881 --> 00:45:21,454
HE DIDN'T ASK PERMISSION.
A CATHOLIC NUN IN FRANCE WHO
WAS BELIEVED TO BE THE OLDEST
428
00:45:21,454 --> 00:45:26,659
PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS DIED AT
THE AGE OF 118.
HER CAUSE OF DEATH WAS LISTED AS
429
00:45:26,659 --> 00:45:40,206
ANSWERED PRAYER.
ANDY MURRAY WAS UPSET AFTER
AN UMPIRE AT THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN
430
00:45:40,206 --> 00:45:44,611
REFUSED TO LET HIM TAKE A
BATHROOM BREAK AFTER A FIVE LONG
SET MATCH.
431
00:45:44,611 --> 00:45:46,713
BATHROOM BREAK AFTER A FIVE LONG
SET MATCH.
WORSE, IT WAS DEUCE.
432
00:45:51,451 --> 00:45:56,523
TROUBLE HIRING NEW EMPLOYEES.
HERE TO ENCOURAGE YOUNG PEOPLE
TO GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL
433
00:45:56,523 --> 00:46:05,031
GOVERNMENT IS A LONG-TIME
EMPLOYEE OF THE CITY OF INDIANA.
APRIL LUDGATE.
434
00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:22,248
HI.
HI, APRIL.
WHAT?
435
00:46:22,248 --> 00:46:25,652
NOTHING.
YOU SAID YOU CAME OUT HERE TO
TALK ABOUT LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
436
00:46:25,652 --> 00:46:28,521
I WILL WHEN YOU STOP YELLING
AT ME.
OKAY.
437
00:46:28,521 --> 00:46:34,728
FINE.
SO, YEAH, EVERYBODY SHOULD GET
INVOLVED WHERE THEY LIVE.
438
00:46:34,728 --> 00:46:38,298
IF YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU SHOULD GET
A JOB AS A GARBAGE MAN OR
SOMETHING.
439
00:46:38,298 --> 00:46:42,569
OKAY.
ARE THERE OTHER JOBS?
YOU WANT ME TO LIST THEM?
440
00:46:42,569 --> 00:46:48,274
OKAY.
FINE.
DRIVE A BUS.
441
00:46:48,274 --> 00:46:54,147
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ON TIME.
NOBODY CARES.
WORK FOR THE WATER DEPARTMENT.
442
00:46:54,147 --> 00:46:58,852
YOU CAN DRAIN THE RESERVOIR AND
FIND ALL THE BODIES AND MURDER
CLUES.
443
00:46:58,852 --> 00:47:07,160
OR JUST BE A DOGCATCHER AND JUST
SAY YOU COULDN'T FIND ANY.
YEAH.
444
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:12,766
BECAUSE WHEN YOU WORK FOR THE
LOCAL GOVERNMENT, DOING THE BARE
MINIMUM IS DOING YOUR PART.
445
00:47:12,766 --> 00:47:14,534
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
446
00:47:14,534 --> 00:47:17,771
BUT WHAT IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO
WORK HARD?
I DON'T KNOW.
447
00:47:17,771 --> 00:47:33,887
YOU'RE ANNOYING ME.
JUST ASK MY OLD BOSS.
LESLIE KNOPE.
448
00:47:33,887 --> 00:47:39,059
HI, APRIL!
HI, COLIN.
HI, MICHAEL CHE.
449
00:47:39,059 --> 00:47:43,963
WOW, LOOK AT THIS.
WHO KNEW THERE WERE CAMERAS AT
SNL.
450
00:47:43,963 --> 00:47:46,633
YEAH.
YEAH.
SO YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
451
00:47:46,633 --> 00:47:51,971
YEAH, PARK SERVICE, YEP.
SO HOW MUCH FUN IS IT WORKING
HERE?
452
00:47:51,971 --> 00:48:00,180
DO YOU GUYS JUST SIT AROUND
CRACKING EACH OTHER UP ALL DAY?
WELL, NOT AT LIKE 8:00 A.M.,
453
00:48:00,180 --> 00:48:03,616
BUT, YEAH, GENERALLY.
HOW DOES IT TAKE TO RUN A
FEDERAL AGENCY?
454
00:48:03,616 --> 00:48:08,588
ALL YOU DO IS SHOW UP EVERY
DAY AND DO THE JOB.
BUT I WANT TO PICK YOUR BRAIN
455
00:48:08,588 --> 00:48:14,027
ABOUT THIS JOB, ABOUT THIS SHOW,
BECAUSE I USED TO WATCH THIS
WHEN SETH MYERS DID IT BY
456
00:48:14,027 --> 00:48:20,333
HIMSELF WITH NO ONE ELSE.
AND HE MADE IT LOOK REALLY EASY.
YEAH.
457
00:48:20,333 --> 00:48:23,269
SO YOU SAID YOU WERE HERE TO
TALK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT.
YEAH.
458
00:48:23,269 --> 00:48:29,242
BUT QUICK QUESTION.
PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHEN HE ZOOMED
IN BEFORE, COULD HE SEE ME, OR
459
00:48:29,242 --> 00:48:33,613
WERE THE CAMERAS ON?
I THINK HE PRERECORDED THAT.
OH.
460
00:48:33,613 --> 00:48:40,086
I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WAS LIFE.
WELL, MOST OF IT IS.
OH, MY GOD.
461
00:48:40,086 --> 00:48:44,257
CAN WE PLEASE GO?
THIS GUY HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME
FOR A HALF AN HOUR.
462
00:48:44,257 --> 00:48:51,531
WE CAN'T STAY LONG.
WE HAVE A TIMED ENTRY TO THE M&M
STORE.
463
00:48:51,531 --> 00:48:58,438
BEFORE WE GO -- AND MAY I BE SO
BOLD?
DO YOU MIND IF I TRY TO TELL A
464
00:48:58,438 --> 00:48:59,673
JOKE?
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
PLEASE.
465
00:48:59,673 --> 00:49:06,179
THANK YOU.
THIS FEELS GOOD.
THIS FEELS NICE.
466
00:49:06,179 --> 00:49:09,082
OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
OKAY.
467
00:49:09,082 --> 00:49:12,585
ALL RIGHT.
OH, NO.
THAT'S TOO MEAN.
468
00:49:12,585 --> 00:49:15,655
OH, WHAT?
NO.
THAT'S WAY TOO MEAN.
469
00:49:15,655 --> 00:49:17,257
NO.
OKAY.
I'LL DO THIS ONE.
470
00:49:17,257 --> 00:49:22,829
A TOWN IN ALASKA HAS LAUNCHED A
BUS SERVICE FOR PUPPIES.
THE SERVICE HAS EXPANDED TO
471
00:49:22,829 --> 00:49:30,637
PUPPIES THANKS TO THE HE ROWIC
ACTIVISM OF CANINE CIVIL RIGHTS
ICON, ROSA BARKS.
472
00:49:30,637 --> 00:49:39,646
ICON, ROSA BARKS.
I LOVE THAT.
I'M APRIL
473
00:49:53,593 --> 00:49:58,832
MY JOB TO KEEP YOU ALL SAFE.
AND DOING THAT, I MUST TELL THE
TRUTH OF THIS WAR.
474
00:49:58,832 --> 00:50:06,773
WHAT'S GOING ON, JAKE SULLY?
THERE ARE REPORTS THAT HUMANS
HAVE INFILTRATED THE CLAN.
475
00:50:06,773 --> 00:50:16,349
I FEAR THERE ARE SKY PEOPLE
LIVING AMONG US DISGUISED AS
AVATARS.
476
00:50:16,349 --> 00:50:17,851
THAT CAN'T BE.
NO.
THESE ARE OUR BROTHERS AND
477
00:50:17,851 --> 00:50:24,491
SISTERS.
WHAT?
WE GOT HUMANS UP IN HERE?
478
00:50:24,491 --> 00:50:28,461
NOT COOL, MAN.
NOT COOL.
YEAH, I HATE THAT.
479
00:50:28,461 --> 00:50:33,033
I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT TO
PROCESS, BUT WE MUST STAY
VIGILANT.
480
00:50:33,033 --> 00:50:39,372
REPORTS TELL US THAT WE SHOULD
BE LOOKING FOR TWO FEMALE
LIEUTENANTS THAT ARE SPIES
481
00:50:39,372 --> 00:50:47,447
DESCRIBED AS BUTCH LADIES FROM
ARIZONA.
LISTEN UP.
482
00:50:47,447 --> 00:50:52,986
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL.
WE NEED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR
SOME GRAND CANYON TYPES.
483
00:50:52,986 --> 00:50:57,724
JAKE SULLY, IT'S OBVIOUSLY
THESE TWO.
VICKIE AND CHRISTINE?
484
00:50:57,724 --> 00:51:07,834
WHOA!
YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, FRITO?
COME ON, FRITO?
485
00:51:07,834 --> 00:51:15,075
EVERYONE, BE CALM.
NOW THESE WITH BIG ACCUSATIONS,
FRIOTE.
486
00:51:15,075 --> 00:51:18,478
THANK YOU.
APPRECIATE IT.
THAT'S JAKE.
487
00:51:18,478 --> 00:51:21,915
WAIT.
YEAH.
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THEY
488
00:51:21,915 --> 00:51:29,389
DO ALWAYS LOOK DOWN AT THEIR OWN
BODIES AND SAY OUT LOUD, WHOA,
THIS IS CRAZY.
489
00:51:29,389 --> 00:51:35,261
WHOA.
BRO, YOURS IS WILD.
IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
490
00:51:35,261 --> 00:51:44,004
IS THAT WHY THEY CALL THEMSELVES
THE MARICOPE COUNTER OF MILF
HUNTERS?
491
00:51:44,004 --> 00:51:49,376
AND WHY ARE THEY WEARING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLOTHING?
WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED TO WOMEN
492
00:51:49,376 --> 00:51:52,979
SUPPORTING WOMEN, BITCH?
SERIOUSLY.
OKAY?
493
00:51:52,979 --> 00:52:01,187
WE'RE COOL WITH LETTING OUR NIPS
FLY SOMETIMES, AND MAYBE WE'RE
NOT AS COMFORTABLE IN THONGS.
494
00:52:01,187 --> 00:52:08,395
I'M LOOKING AT YOU, CHEESE
BURGER.
LISTEN, GUYS, OUR SKIN'S
495
00:52:08,395 --> 00:52:15,669
BLUE, AND I THINK WE KNOW HOW TO
USE OUR TAILS.
I THINK WE KNOW.
496
00:52:15,669 --> 00:52:26,780
HOW LONG WAS I OUT?
WHOA, HOW LONG WERE WE OUT?
YOU WERE NOT OUT.
497
00:52:26,780 --> 00:52:32,152
WAIT.
A QUEEN IS BACK.
SCREAMING LADY ALERT.
498
00:52:32,152 --> 00:52:36,523
HERE WE GO.
THEY'VE COME TO OUR LAND.
THEY'VE COME FOR OUR PEOPLE.
499
00:52:36,523 --> 00:52:40,727
ALL RIGHT, HON.
WE MUST KILL THEM.
DON'T START CRYING.
500
00:52:40,727 --> 00:52:45,298
AHHH!
WAIT.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
501
00:52:45,298 --> 00:52:49,102
COME ON.
COME ON, COME ON.
GET AROUND ME.
502
00:52:49,102 --> 00:52:52,706
GET OPEN.
GET OPEN.
JAKE, GET OPEN.
503
00:52:52,706 --> 00:52:56,543
JAKE, JAKE, GET OPEN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
DOING.
504
00:52:56,543 --> 00:52:58,645
THINK FAST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
HAPPENING.
505
00:52:58,645 --> 00:53:02,115
YOU GUYS CANNOT BE PLAYING
BASKETBALL RIGHT NOW.
WHAT?
506
00:53:02,115 --> 00:53:07,954
I NEED YOU TO FOCUS IF WE'RE
EVER GOING TO CATCH THE MOLES.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
507
00:53:07,954 --> 00:53:14,427
YEAH.
JAKE.
JAKE, COME ON, MAN.
508
00:53:14,427 --> 00:53:23,103
COME ON, YOU GOT TO TRUST ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME, FRITO -- I MEAN,
509
00:53:23,103 --> 00:53:25,905
FRIOTE.
JAKE SULLY.
JAKE SULLY.
510
00:53:25,905 --> 00:53:29,075
COME ON, MAN.
IT'S THEM.
I HAVEN'T SEEN TWO PEOPLE
511
00:53:29,075 --> 00:53:34,447
PLAYING BASKETBALL SINCE I WAS
LIVING BACK ON EARTH AS A HUMAN
BEING.
512
00:53:34,447 --> 00:53:38,818
OH!
IT WAS FRITO THE WHOLE TIME?
AND US TOO.
513
00:53:38,818 --> 00:53:42,455
VICKIE, COME ON.
OH, SHOOT.
DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
514
00:53:42,455 --> 00:53:50,964
OH, SHOOT.
DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
YEAH.
515
00:54:33,173 --> 00:54:49,456
* DEMONS ON MY SHOULDER
MONSTERS IN MY HEAD
SHADOW IN THE WATER
516
00:54:49,456 --> 00:55:03,036
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND *
* THE WORLD REVOLVES
AROUND ME
517
00:55:03,036 --> 00:55:41,174
AS I LAY IN MY BED
DREAMING OF MORE MORE *
* DIAMONDS IN THE SEA *
518
00:55:41,174 --> 00:56:04,698
* A TIME WHERE THERE -- IF ONLY
YOU BELIEVE *
* THAT THERE IS ALWAYS MORE
519
00:56:04,698 --> 00:56:06,366
MORE *
* BE YOURSELF SO
LOUD TONIGHT MMM SO LOUD
520
00:56:06,366 --> 00:56:12,939
THEY'LL HEAR YOU
FROM THE STARS *
* THEY WILL HEAR YOU FROM
521
00:56:12,939 --> 00:56:21,448
SPARKLING LIKE DYNAMITE
SPARKLE
IF THAT IS WHO YOU ARE *
522
00:56:21,448 --> 00:56:26,953
* IT'S WHO YOU ARE
A HYMN FOR GLORIA
FOR GLORIA
523
00:56:26,953 --> 00:56:35,095
FOR GLORIA GLORIA *
* A HYMN FOR GLORIA
GLORIA
524
00:56:35,095 --> 00:56:37,831
FOR GLORIA GLORIA
GLORIA *
* GLORIA
525
00:56:37,831 --> 00:56:40,066
GLORIA
GLORIA
IT'S ALL BUT *
526
00:56:40,066 --> 00:56:42,802
* A HYMN FOR GLORIA
IT'S ALL A HYMN
FOR GLORI-GLORI GLORIA
527
00:56:42,802 --> 00:56:55,281
IT'S ALL BUT *
* A HYMN FOR GLORIA
IT'S FOR GLORIA *
528
00:56:55,281 --> 00:57:00,687
* A HYMN FOR GLORIA
IT'S FOR GLORIA *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
529
00:57:15,468 --> 00:57:24,377
I THREW MY BREAKFAST AT MY
ASSISTANT, SO I'M STARVING.
TOMMY, I WANT YOU DANCING UP
530
00:57:24,377 --> 00:57:29,049
TOP.
CAMERA THEN CUTS TO MARIO.
YOU'RE POURING EVERYONE'S SHOTS.
531
00:57:29,049 --> 00:57:36,289
THEN JAMAL, YOU TOAST MARIO.
SOUND GOOD?
YEAH.
532
00:57:36,289 --> 00:57:39,893
PLACES.
ACTION.
LIVING WITH HIV?
533
00:57:39,893 --> 00:57:44,197
I LEARNED I COULD SAY
UNDETECTABLE WITH FEWER
MEDICINES.
534
00:57:44,197 --> 00:57:50,804
MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY
MEDICINES, BUT DOVA THE, O HAS
LESS, AND IT'S JUST AS
535
00:57:50,804 --> 00:57:54,541
EFFECTIVE.
THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO
DOVATO HIV TREATMENT.
536
00:57:54,541 --> 00:57:59,646
I AIN'T GAY, THOUGH.
CUT!
OKAY.
537
00:57:59,646 --> 00:58:05,585
OKAY.
THAT WAS A GOOD FIRST RUN, GUYS.
TOMMY, MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER
538
00:58:05,585 --> 00:58:10,490
DANCING UP TOP.
YEAH, GOT IT.
I CAN DO A LITTLE MORE.
539
00:58:10,490 --> 00:58:16,696
NOT REALLY MORE, JUST BETTER.
PERFECT, MARIO.
AND JAMAL, BUDDY, I FEEL LIKE
540
00:58:16,696 --> 00:58:24,304
YOU MAYBE AD LIBBED A BIT AT THE
END.
THE LINE IS THAT'S WHY I
541
00:58:24,304 --> 00:58:32,545
SWITCHED TO DOVATO HIV TREATMENT
THEN FULL STOP.
GOT IT.
542
00:58:32,545 --> 00:58:35,949
FROM THE TOP.
ACTION!
LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I
543
00:58:35,949 --> 00:58:42,355
COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH
FEWER MEDICINES.
MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY
544
00:58:42,355 --> 00:58:49,662
MEDICINES, BUT DOVATO HAS LESS,
AND IT'S JUST AS EFFECTIVE.
THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO
545
00:58:49,662 --> 00:58:54,300
DOVATO HIV TREATMENT.
FACT, YOU CAN GET HIV FROM A
GIRL.
546
00:58:54,300 --> 00:59:00,073
THAT'S HOW I DID IT.
CUT!
AGAIN, AGAIN, WOW.
547
00:59:00,073 --> 00:59:03,877
DID I MESS UP THE DANCING?
YEAH.
IT WAS WORSE THIS TIME.
548
00:59:03,877 --> 00:59:10,550
ONCE AGAIN, MARIO, PERFECTION.
AND JAMAL, BUDDY, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO SAY.
549
00:59:10,550 --> 00:59:16,022
I MESSED UP THE DANCING.
NO.
YOU AD LIBBED AGAIN.
550
00:59:16,022 --> 00:59:21,027
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THIS
SCRIPT?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
551
00:59:21,027 --> 00:59:26,199
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I FEEL LIKE IT'S NOT CLEAR MY
CHARACTER IS A STRAIGHT GUY
552
00:59:26,199 --> 00:59:29,669
RESPECTFULLY.
IT'S NOT.
THIS SCENE TAKES PLACE AT A GAY
553
00:59:29,669 --> 00:59:31,304
CLUB.
OH, WORD.
OKAY.
554
00:59:31,304 --> 00:59:34,341
YEAH.
IS THAT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM
FOR YOU.
555
00:59:34,341 --> 00:59:41,047
NO, NO PROBLEM.
I JUST AIN'T, NO DOUBT.
GOOD BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO
556
00:59:41,047 --> 00:59:46,219
GET THIS SCENE WRAPPED BEFORE MY
SALAD GETS COLD.
IT'S A HOT SALAD.
557
00:59:46,219 --> 00:59:50,724
AND ACTION.
LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I
COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH
558
00:59:50,724 --> 00:59:54,327
FEWER MEDICINES.
IT'S A GAY CLUB.
WHAT.
559
00:59:54,327 --> 00:59:59,733
I MEAN, I'M COOL WITH THAT, I
JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OKAY.
560
00:59:59,733 --> 01:00:04,104
FACT.
THERE BE MAD STRAIGHT GIRLS AT
THE GAY CLUBS, AND THEY BE
561
01:00:04,104 --> 01:00:09,609
READY, AND THAT'S WHERE I COME
IN.
CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE YELL CUT?
562
01:00:09,609 --> 01:00:10,744
CUT.
CUT.
CUT.
563
01:00:10,744 --> 01:00:17,417
SORRY.
SORRY.
I TOOK A QUICK BITE OF MY HOT
564
01:00:17,417 --> 01:00:20,820
SALAD.
IT BURNED THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH.
HOW DID I DO?
565
01:00:20,820 --> 01:00:25,925
IT WAS THE WORST THING I'VE
EVER SEEN BESIDES TOMMY'S
DANCING.
566
01:00:25,925 --> 01:00:31,164
I'M TRYING.
I JUST FEEL LIKE SINCE I'M
STRAIGHT, MY GUY SHOULD BE
567
01:00:31,164 --> 01:00:36,002
STRAIGHT TOO.
IT'S JUST ACTING, BRO.
I'M NOT ACTUALLY GAY EITHER.
568
01:00:36,002 --> 01:00:40,674
OKAY.
JAMAL, IF YOU'RE
UNCOMFORTABLE, WE CAN JUST GIVE
569
01:00:40,674 --> 01:00:46,579
YOUR LINES TO MARIO.
DO I STILL GET PAID THE SAME?
YOU DON'T GET PAID.
570
01:00:46,579 --> 01:00:50,183
YOU JUST GO HOME.
I NEED THIS JOB.
THEN SAY THE LINES.
571
01:00:50,183 --> 01:00:56,322
WHAT IF MY GUY GOT HIV FROM
BASKETBALL LIKE MAGIC JOHNSON.
I APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN,
572
01:00:56,322 --> 01:01:00,160
BUT CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT MATURE
ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS ROLE,
JAMAL.
573
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:04,064
THAT'S A FACT.
SO WHY DON'T YOU AND TOMMY
JUST LEAVE, PLEASE?
574
01:01:04,064 --> 01:01:08,068
SO WHY DON'T YOU AND TOMMY
JUST LEAVE, PLEASE?
WAIT, ME?
575
01:01:23,983 --> 01:01:34,260
THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS
CASE I COULDN'T SHAKE.
A MAN WHO EATS DINNER EARLY.
576
01:01:34,260 --> 01:01:36,863
I LIKE THAT.
HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN
HERE?
577
01:01:36,863 --> 01:01:40,567
YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING ME.
WHY?
YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD, AND I
578
01:01:40,567 --> 01:01:46,272
THINK YOU KILLED HIM.
I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE
MISTER --
579
01:01:46,272 --> 01:01:49,242
RALLY.
I LOVED MY HUSBAND,
MR. RALLY.
580
01:01:49,242 --> 01:01:54,681
HE ARGUED WITH THE RADIO, REALLY
KNEW HOW TO STINK UP A CHAIR.
SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD MAN.
581
01:01:54,681 --> 01:01:58,118
HE WAS.
THEY ALL WERE, EACH ONE OLDER
THAN THE LAST.
582
01:01:58,118 --> 01:02:03,757
WHEN I MEET A MAN WITH GLASSES
APP PANTS UP TO HIS CHEST, I GO
HEAD OVER HEELS.
583
01:02:03,757 --> 01:02:07,761
HOW IS IT THEY ALL END UP
DEAD?
BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD.
584
01:02:07,761 --> 01:02:15,068
THE AUTOPSY REPORT SAYS EVERY
MAN YOU MARRY DIES AFTER NATURAL
CAUSES.
585
01:02:15,068 --> 01:02:21,975
WHAT'S NATURAL ABOUT THAT?
THE CAUSES.
I LIKE THE WAY THEIR KISSES
586
01:02:21,975 --> 01:02:28,148
TASTE LIKE A COUGH, HOW THEY
CAN'T FIND THEIR GLASSES, AND
THE WAY THEY MAKE LOVE, OH, HOLD
587
01:02:28,148 --> 01:02:33,620
ON, OUCH, OUCH, SORRY.
LET ME JUST DO YOU.
I'M STARTING TO GET THE
588
01:02:33,620 --> 01:02:41,094
PICTURE.
IS IT A CRIME TO WANT A MAN
WHO BEGS ME TO DRIVE HIM TO
589
01:02:41,094 --> 01:02:45,732
CHURCH AND SLEEPS THE WHOLE
TIME?
IS A GUY WHO NEVER USES HIS TURN
590
01:02:45,732 --> 01:02:50,570
SIGNAL AND SCREAMS AT RACCOONS
IN HIS YARD.
LISTEN, YOU GOT A THING, I
591
01:02:50,570 --> 01:02:54,407
GET THAT.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE
LIKE TO TELL EVERYBODY WHAT
592
01:02:54,407 --> 01:02:58,745
THEIR THING IS THESE DAYS.
OH.
GETTING ANGRY AT PEOPLE THESE
593
01:02:58,745 --> 01:03:06,152
DAYS, MR. RALLY?
ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE ME?
I'M TOO YOUNG FOR YOU, LADY.
594
01:03:06,152 --> 01:03:10,690
I'M 33.
I JUST LOOK OLDER BECAUSE I'M AN
ALCOHOLIC.
595
01:03:10,690 --> 01:03:15,562
SO NOW MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME
WHAT YOUR THING IS.
WHAT STARTS YOUR ENGINE,
596
01:03:15,562 --> 01:03:21,634
MR. RALLY?
YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
PANTY HOSE, JUST LADIES WITH
597
01:03:21,634 --> 01:03:24,704
NICE LEGS IN TIGHTS.
BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU,
BABY.
598
01:03:24,704 --> 01:03:35,115
WHO THE HELL IS THIS?
MOTHER!
DARLING.
599
01:03:35,115 --> 01:03:42,922
WHO'S THIS LITTLE SNACK?
YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, MOTHER.
DON'T BE CROSS WITH ME,
600
01:03:42,922 --> 01:03:47,660
DARLING.
I CAN'T RESIST A MAN WITH A DEEP
VOICE AND A BIG NOSE.
601
01:03:47,660 --> 01:03:53,133
OF COURSE A KNOCKOUT WALKS IN
THE NIGHT BEFORE MY RHINO
PLACETY.
602
01:03:53,133 --> 01:03:58,371
DON'T DO IT.
I WANTED YOU TO GROW OLD WITH
ME.
603
01:03:58,371 --> 01:04:05,879
SORE WE, SISTER, I LIKE THEM
DESPERATE AND COOKY BECAUSE I
KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE ME A HARD
604
01:04:05,879 --> 01:04:10,717
TIME ABOUT THE BOOZE.
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR MOTHER
OUT TO THE CLUB TO DO SOME
605
01:04:10,717 --> 01:04:13,253
STUPID DANCES.
BUT FIRST, YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE
ME THAT GUN.
606
01:04:13,253 --> 01:04:20,527
NO!
THERE I WAS, DYING IN MY
OFFICE, MURDERED FOR REASONS
607
01:04:20,527 --> 01:04:27,467
THAT WOULD THROW OLD SIGGY FROID
FOR A LOOP.
I GUESS YOU NEVER SOLVE YOUR
608
01:04:27,467 --> 01:04:31,805
LAST CASE.
WHO WAS PAYING ME ANYWAY?
WELL, TIME TO DIE, I GUESS.
609
01:04:31,805 --> 01:04:38,211
WELL, TIME TO DIE, I GUESS.
THAT'S JUST HOW THINGS GO IN THE
MIDTOWN EAST IN THE LOW 60s.
610
01:05:02,902 --> 01:05:16,683
MY MOTHER, THANK YOU AND HAVE A
GOOD NIGHT!
DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!
60318
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