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♪
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00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,440
Alright, everybody,
it's court o'clock,
3
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:06,919
and you made it
during Abby Hour.
4
00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:09,487
All decisions half-price.
5
00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:11,315
- Judge, are you limping?
- A bit.
6
00:00:11,315 --> 00:00:13,361
I got a little hit by a cab.
7
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:17,843
And somehow, the driver
got angrier than I did.
8
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:20,020
So still getting the hang
of New York, huh?
9
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,109
You know what they say--
You're not a real New Yorker
10
00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:24,589
until you pay the guy
who just ran you over $45
11
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:26,852
to drive you to the hospital.
12
00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,463
No, you're not
a real New Yorker
13
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,726
until you buy a rattrap,
a hammer, and an egg sandwich
14
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,381
from a bodega at 1:00 a.m.
15
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,774
First up,
the People vs. Caroline Kratz.
16
00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:37,950
The defendant is charged
with disorderly conduct
17
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:40,388
for bringing an uncontained
animal onto the subway.
18
00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:41,867
Your Honor,
there's a very simple
19
00:00:41,867 --> 00:00:44,174
and extremely legal
explanation for this.
20
00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:46,046
It was a service animal.
21
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,873
It was a horse.
22
00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:51,442
A mini-horse.
Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse.
23
00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,705
And according to
New York vs. Pongo,
24
00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:56,447
mini-horses are allowed
on public transit.
25
00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,667
Obviously, I got to get a look
at this guy.
26
00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:00,451
[ Horse whinnies ]
27
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,285
Upstate, I used to guess
horse sizes at the county fair.
28
00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:09,808
And that one is a "big."
29
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:12,246
[ Horse neighs ]
30
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:15,162
Your Honor, um,
I call for a mistrial.
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00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,599
I've just learned that
the defendant and Ms. Moore
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00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,035
have an existing relationship.
33
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,906
They share a daily commute--
34
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:24,954
the 5:42 downtown six train
at Hunter College Station.
35
00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:27,826
Slow down. I think we just blew
right past the big news here.
36
00:01:27,826 --> 00:01:30,742
That the allegedly blind
defendant just recognized me?
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00:01:30,742 --> 00:01:34,224
Oh, no, no, no.
She didn't recognize you.
38
00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:36,879
The horse did.
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00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:38,576
That's my daily commute, too.
40
00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:40,274
Olivia, we're subway buddies.
41
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:42,928
Really?
Well, that's crazy.
42
00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:44,452
Can't believe we haven't
seen each other.
43
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:47,759
I've seen both of you--
a bunch of times.
44
00:01:47,759 --> 00:01:49,587
Well, you're not helping.
45
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:52,938
You know what?
We just plead guilty.
46
00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:54,244
How do you put up with her?
47
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:56,507
[ Horse grunts ]
48
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♪
49
00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:13,350
I just need a table for one.
50
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,613
Can't you squeeze me in
this weekend?
51
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,789
Oh, wait, wait. Did I say
that my name is Dan Fielding?
52
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:19,226
Uh, I meant, uh, it's
53
00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:22,272
[British accent]
Dame Judi Dench.
54
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,234
Can't get a table
at a restaurant?
55
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,105
Ah, it's not just
any restaurant.
56
00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:31,281
It's Chromosomme.
57
00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:33,675
Oh!
I heard about that place.
58
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:36,025
They use science to design
your perfect meal
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00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,983
based on a cheek swab,
a hair sample,
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00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:40,725
and a secret you swore
to take to the grave.
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00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:43,554
The only chance I have to get
in there is during the week,
62
00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:45,121
but we're always
leaving here late.
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00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:47,819
I'm all in favor of Abby's
empathetic justice,
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00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:49,647
but not when it gets
between me and a risotto
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00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:53,477
that was genetically
engineered for my tongue.
66
00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:54,783
Well, at least
you're not gonna have her
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00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,350
following you around
on the subway,
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00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:59,614
trying to make chitchat
with her big hick energy.
69
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,268
Yeah, the judge
isn't good on the subway.
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00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:03,095
I rode with her once.
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00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:06,882
She held the pole and then
touched her face so many times.
72
00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:09,580
There's my twin sixter.
73
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,930
'Cause we both take
the six train.
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00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,846
She gets it.
- Yeah, we got it.
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00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:16,457
And I watched you stand outside
in the hall
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00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,415
till you thought of it.
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00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:21,026
I'm so excited to spend
some more time together.
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00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:24,987
You could show me the ropes.
I'm still a "Newb Yorker."
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00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,684
Okay, that one
I can't take credit for.
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00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,686
Someone screamed it in my face
when I said "bless you"
81
00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:31,341
after they sneezed on me.
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00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,125
I think I'm gonna have to
take the earlier train.
83
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:34,301
Yeah, sure.
Or you know what?
84
00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:35,911
You could move to Denver.
85
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:38,130
I bet you there are probably
lawyers there, too.
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00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:44,224
[ PA beeps,
indistinct announcement ]
87
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,404
Oh, sorry.
88
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:53,189
People are animals.
89
00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,322
Olivia! Hi.
90
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:58,716
Oh, good.
You took the early train, too.
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00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,370
I was worried
we'd miss each other
92
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:03,025
and our work and private lives
would stay separate.
93
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,766
Well, apparently,
my lease says my super
94
00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:06,768
gets to shower in my apartment
on Tuesday nights,
95
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,770
so I like to
give him his space.
96
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:13,731
[ Laughs ]
Classic.
97
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:16,865
So, are you, um--
- We probably shouldn't talk.
98
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:18,780
There's a serial killer
in the city
99
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,608
who targets women
who are friends.
100
00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:21,957
No, they caught that guy.
101
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:25,047
I know 'cause he's my brother.
102
00:04:25,047 --> 00:04:26,918
Oh.
I like your earrings.
103
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:29,660
Keep it in your pants, perv.
104
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,881
What are you doing?
Don't talk to people.
105
00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:34,535
Also, don't make eye contact.
106
00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,188
Or offer anyone candy.
107
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:39,235
- Even on Halloween?
- You stay inside on Halloween!
108
00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:40,932
I love this.
109
00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:43,674
I'm getting an Olivia
master class on New York City.
110
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:46,373
Promo code-- fuhgettaboutit.
111
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:49,898
[ Brakes squeal ]
- Oh!
112
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:52,292
We're having a minor
technical issue.
113
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,120
Hang tight, everyone.
[ Passengers groan ]
114
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,254
Well, that's bonus
subway buddy time.
115
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:03,390
So there's really no chance
your brother's on this train?
116
00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,527
Okay, I talked to the driver,
117
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,877
and there's no update
on the maintenance issue.
118
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:15,315
Also no update
on the air-conditioning.
119
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,143
Here's a list of other things
there's no update on.
120
00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:19,580
Here's an update--
You're not helpful,
121
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:21,321
and everyone
can see your nipples.
122
00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:26,151
Things are getting tense.
123
00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:28,240
Oh, you're not gonna freak out,
are you?
124
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,417
You should know,
I do not hold hands.
125
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,201
I'm okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
126
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,116
Sure, we've been cut off
from the societal norms
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00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:35,813
that maintain order,
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00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,772
but we're bonded together
by something even stronger--
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00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:38,990
innate human decency.
130
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:40,775
Stay back, you jackals.
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00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,733
It's my job to deliver
this food,
132
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,387
and the restaurant's
run by the mob.
133
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,434
There's nothing you can do to me
that they won't do worse.
134
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,437
Okay, when the rats come
for us-- and they will--
135
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:54,223
I will sell out
every last one of you.
136
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:57,008
I'm sure the decency
will set in any minute now.
137
00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,010
Nope.
We're screwed.
138
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,708
Nothing's holding this together.
139
00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:03,406
The norms are gone.
It's subterranean law.
140
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:06,061
Give me your bag.
141
00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:08,803
What? I can't make a shiv
out of any of this!
142
00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:13,547
Where's Olivia?
143
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:16,419
I don't have the time or energy
to learn new names.
144
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:19,683
You understand what I mean,
right, champ?
145
00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:21,381
The six train broke down.
146
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,731
So Abby and Olivia
might not make it.
147
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,210
We had to find some people
to fill in.
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00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,864
All rise.
149
00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:29,127
Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2
is now in session.
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00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:32,217
The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding.
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00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,178
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
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00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:39,703
That is some good
chicken noodle. Mmm!
153
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,183
Is it just me or does this guy
have a real, like,
154
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:42,532
substitute-teacher vibe?
155
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:46,754
Uh, just an FYI,
I have judge's elbow.
156
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:51,759
So I'm gonna be making
the gavel sound with my mouth.
157
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:54,805
You know, if we work together,
we might be able to get, uh,
158
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:57,939
old Judge Chicken Noodle there
to do whatever we want.
159
00:06:57,939 --> 00:07:00,768
I may make it out in time
to go to Chromosomme after all.
160
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,552
And I can go to the strip club
at night,
161
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:04,598
when it's like a strip club
in a movie.
162
00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,338
Not during the day,
when it's like a strip club
163
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,863
in a documentary.
164
00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:11,126
Uh, excuse me.
What's the Wi-Fi here?
165
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,084
I need it to look up case files.
166
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:17,132
Also, does anyone have
a Netflix password I can borrow?
167
00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:20,309
Also for case stuff.
168
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:23,007
Or we may not have to
do anything at all.
169
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:26,707
I better call Russ and tell him
to get the champagne room ready.
170
00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,622
You see Russ,
tell him I said hi.
171
00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:33,278
You do know I'm going
to a male strip club, right?
172
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:35,106
Yeah, I had a job before this.
173
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:41,069
Maybe you need something else
to focus on.
174
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:43,419
I have this great game
called "Crab Attack."
175
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,508
Oh, right, my phone's
been locked with ransomware
176
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:48,119
ever since I downloaded
"Crab Attack."
177
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,643
Don't act like
you're the calm one.
178
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,167
I'm the calm one.
I'm in control.
179
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,256
Unless control is an illusion.
180
00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:56,650
I mean, I can't control
the subway breaking down
181
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:58,173
or that the universe
is constantly expanding
182
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,480
and I still can't afford
a one-bedroom in it!
183
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,090
Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
184
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:03,961
That was my seat.
- Your seat?
185
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:06,834
I didn't realize I was on the
train with Princess Von Bench.
186
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,967
Whoa! Let's just not forget
our innate human decency.
187
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,360
Abby, stay out of this.
188
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,927
Well, someone's
got to do something.
189
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,755
This place is coming apart.
- This is not court.
190
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:17,148
They don't have to
listen to you.
191
00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:18,759
You're right.
192
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,630
It's not court.
193
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,980
But it could be.
We should have a trial.
194
00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:24,852
I mean, this is just
a simple dispute.
195
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:26,636
We can figure this out together.
196
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,595
It'll give us something else
to think about.
197
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,553
You know, I'm actually a judge.
198
00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:33,469
Does anyone else
have any legal experience?
199
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:35,427
I played a dead body
on "Law Order."
200
00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:38,996
We've all played a dead body
on "Law Order."
201
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:41,477
You know, "Law Order"
is the longest-running show
202
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,871
with an ampersand in the title.
203
00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:45,742
Okay, okay.
You like saying things.
204
00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,178
You can be the clerk.
205
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,745
And I'm getting
some real bailiff vibes
206
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:51,356
from the way
you're guarding that pizza.
207
00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:53,750
Olivia, would you like
to be the counsel?
208
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:56,231
You could think of it as work.
209
00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:59,060
Work is good.
I can control work.
210
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,409
Yeah, and you could
go up against
211
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:02,454
the greatest opponent of all.
212
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:03,847
The sun?
213
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,457
No. Yourself.
214
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:07,068
You could play both sides.
215
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,462
I'm in.
216
00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:12,203
[ High-pitched voice ]
And so am I.
217
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:13,901
[ Normal voice ] You know
I'm not gonna do a voice.
218
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:18,732
Oh, yes!
I got a reservation!
219
00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:20,429
I've only got one case left.
220
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:21,735
I can get there early
and laugh at people
221
00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,998
who tested positive for salads.
222
00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:27,697
You'll never guess
who's in the courthouse.
223
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:30,657
Olympic figure skaters
turned commentators
224
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,528
turned maybe murderers.
225
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,616
I don't know why they here.
226
00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:36,140
Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.
227
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:37,794
They're witnesses
in the last case.
228
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:41,319
Apparently, a figure skater
hot-wired a Zamboni
229
00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:44,409
and tried to smush
his competition.
230
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:45,889
Abby would have loved
meeting those two.
231
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,804
She's a huge figure-skating fan.
232
00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:50,764
Oh! Maybe we can stall
until she gets here.
233
00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:53,070
Stall? Are you crazy?
I've got a dinner reservation.
234
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,898
So your fancy dinner is more
important than your friend?
235
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,421
This is not just a dinner.
236
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:57,814
This is a meal that
Scientific American
237
00:09:57,814 --> 00:10:00,904
called a "heinous waste
of stem cells."
238
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:04,299
Fine.
I don't need you.
239
00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:06,040
I can slow this court down
on my own.
240
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,519
Careful, Gurgs,
you're messing with powers
241
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,260
that you couldn't
possibly understand.
242
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:12,394
I have no idea what that means,
but I'll figure it out.
243
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,917
So we doing this case or not?
244
00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,658
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
245
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,747
Don't make me choose a side.
You're both my friends.
246
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:19,706
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
247
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,059
Are we ready to begin?
248
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,626
Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are,
249
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,672
and there's nothing
anybody can do to stop us.
250
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:32,501
Uh-oh.
This says my wife called.
251
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,721
And it's an emergency.
252
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:36,723
Well, it always is
with that one.
253
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,075
Anyway, let's start.
254
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:43,338
Bang, bang!
255
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,079
So that's your great
stalling move, Gurgs?
256
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:47,559
You know, I expected
more from you.
257
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,431
What can I say, Dan?
I'm all out of moves.
258
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,738
Okay, Clerk,
call the last case.
259
00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:55,132
Where's the clerk?
- Well, look at that.
260
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,265
I had more moves.
261
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,701
We don't need Neil.
262
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,747
He's just a sentient clipboard anyway.
263
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,096
I can call the case.
264
00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:03,750
I wish that were true,
Your Honor,
265
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,795
but it's like
the regular judge says,
266
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:09,146
"You can't work
without a clerk."
267
00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,844
Well, that does rhyme.
268
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:13,890
You might as well
get comfortable, Dan.
269
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,675
You're gonna be here a while,
270
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,808
because I can assure you there's
no way you're finding Neil.
271
00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:21,593
Hello, Neil.
[ Chuckles ]
272
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:23,465
Hiding a clerk
in women's holding--
273
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:26,076
the oldest trick in the book.
274
00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:27,338
Don't call me Neil.
275
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:29,427
Linda says my name
is Sweets now.
276
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:32,866
This man bothering you, Sweets?
277
00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:35,695
Would you please open
this door, let him out?
278
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:41,004
Come on, Sweets.
279
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:43,572
I can't.
My legs are asleep.
280
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,879
Man, this meal
better be worth it.
281
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,576
Get up, get up, get up.
282
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:48,969
What-- Hey!
283
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,057
I'm sorry.
284
00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:51,493
Gurgs said if I didn't help her,
285
00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:53,103
she'd tell everyone
where I do stand-up.
286
00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:56,846
Well, that's more of a threat
to us than to you.
287
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:58,718
Well, well, well.
288
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,547
Looks like the Penn
has become the Teller.
289
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:03,853
You have gone too far.
290
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,813
You can't lock me in here
with Neil and...
291
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:09,337
these charming ladies.
292
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:12,514
Looks like
it's Linda's lucky day.
293
00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:16,692
Sweets and Sour.
294
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:19,782
- Uh, uh...
- [ Laughs ]
295
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:22,567
Six Train Downtown Local
is now in session.
296
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:25,048
The honorable judge
This Lady presiding.
297
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:28,617
Alright,
let's "baguette" it on.
298
00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:31,707
Your Honor, the defendant
brazenly stole this woman's seat
299
00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:33,013
when she stood to stretch.
300
00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:34,971
And we all know the rule--
301
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:38,583
If the butt's still near,
I'm a-sittin' here.
302
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:41,891
Don't be fooled by the
prosecution's big-city rhymes.
303
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:45,590
Yeah, I'll give it to her, she
is gorgeous and well-dressed.
304
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,767
But the facts are on my side.
305
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,377
I recall at the time
of the event,
306
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,335
I had a clear view
of the butt and the seat,
307
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,033
and there was separation.
308
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,078
But surely some amount
of separation is acceptable.
309
00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:58,212
Maybe some separation,
but it's six inches, tops.
310
00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:00,257
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to
commandeer your sandwich
311
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,216
in the name of justice.
312
00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:04,000
[ Tone plays ]
313
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,176
It's more than six inches.
314
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:09,614
Objection! The sandwich
has a bite out of it.
315
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,703
I'll allow it.
316
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:14,271
[ Tone plays ]
- Look, I'm not unreasonable.
317
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:16,447
I'd give up my seat to
an old lady or someone pregnant.
318
00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:17,884
Interesting you'd say that.
319
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,408
What if I told you
Rita is pregnant?
320
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:21,757
[ All gasp ]
321
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:24,716
That's right.
I do have sex.
322
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:26,196
Let me ask you,
323
00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:27,850
what's the due date?
- They're always wrong.
324
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:29,156
- Gender?
- It's a post-gender society.
325
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,331
What'd you have
for lunch today?
326
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:31,288
- Sushi and bologna.
- Gross!
327
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:32,986
But also, gotcha.
328
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,596
Pregnant women can't eat
either of those things.
329
00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,337
[ All gasp ]
330
00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:39,079
Fine.
I don't actually have sex.
331
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,037
Happy now?
[ Tone plays ]
332
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:43,692
The jury has returned
the verdict.
333
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:46,303
And they have decided
that the pregnant one
334
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:49,480
and nipples should kiss.
335
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,308
You know what?
I'll just rule.
336
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:55,008
On the charge of subway seat
theft, I find the defendant--
337
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,966
[ All gasp ]
338
00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:58,620
[ Cheers and applause ]
339
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:01,797
No. Stop the train!
Stop the--
340
00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,668
We haven't heard
which one of me won!
341
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:07,455
You're in luck, Judge.
342
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:10,414
This court has the largest
active VHS collection
343
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,503
in the continental
United States.
344
00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:15,680
And once Alaska falls,
we'll stand alone.
345
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,466
Oh, there are some good flicks
in here.
346
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:20,163
Now, where's the remote?
347
00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:22,687
'Cause I like to fast-forward
through the scary parts.
348
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,952
- Looking for this?
- How did you get out?
349
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:29,651
I jimmied the lock with
the underwire from Linda's bra.
350
00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:32,001
Well, I anticipated
your escape,
351
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,047
and that's why I scheduled
a tornado drill
352
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,005
to start in 3, 2--
353
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:37,746
One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs,
354
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:40,880
is I have powerful friends
in the Tornado Marshal's office,
355
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,839
and I rescheduled that drill
till your birthday,
356
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:46,363
just as they wheel out the cake.
357
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,148
Something you overlooked is,
last year,
358
00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:50,193
I wished for no tornado drills
on my birthday.
359
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,500
But now you said
the wish out loud.
360
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:55,198
You monster.
361
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:57,679
I'll give it to you, Gurgs.
You know how this place works.
362
00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:00,334
But nobody knows it
better than me.
363
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,685
Then you know there's
a water main behind that wall,
364
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:07,341
and if it were to somehow break,
365
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:10,561
the cleanup would be
quite time-consuming.
366
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,041
Where's the remote?
367
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,043
This is one of those
scary parts.
368
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:15,740
Gurgs, I'm not gonna try
and stop you,
369
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:19,092
because unlike the wife
of the man who built this place,
370
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:23,444
you love this building too much
to put an ax in its chest.
371
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:28,449
You win, Dan.
Enjoy your dinner.
372
00:15:28,449 --> 00:15:30,755
I hope your scallops are saltier
than Abby's tears
373
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:31,887
when she hears
she missed a chance
374
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,715
at meeting ice-skating royalty.
375
00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:35,717
There won't be any scallops.
376
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:38,067
I already know
that my personalized menu
377
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:41,810
will rely heavily
on an endangered species.
378
00:15:43,551 --> 00:15:47,685
It's always been a dream of mine
to eat the last of something.
379
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:57,086
Hi.
Dan Fielding.
380
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:59,262
I just want to say that
I have a great deal of respect
381
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,177
for Olympics athletes.
382
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:05,225
Your ability to work only once
every four years-- incredible.
383
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:08,228
Now, this is a man
with presence.
384
00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:11,013
It's like a daring mix
of stateliness
385
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,275
and "I couldn't care less"
energy
386
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,539
that is just so exciting
to watch.
387
00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:18,194
Well, he's known as the bad boy
of the courtroom
388
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:19,717
for a reason, T.
- Mm-hmm.
389
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:23,330
The passion, the fire,
the pageantry.
390
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,507
You know, we live for pageantry.
- For pageantry.
391
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:28,378
Wow.
Wonderful.
392
00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:31,120
So may I ask what you two were
talking to our bailiff about?
393
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,817
She asked us to stick around
for her friend,
394
00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,645
but, I mean, if we stayed
every time a bailiff
395
00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:36,430
asked us to meet someone,
396
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:38,736
we'd never have time to form
this remarkable friendship.
397
00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:41,087
Also, full disclosure,
we have an early breakfast
398
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:42,653
with Michelle Kwan
and Ewan McGregor.
399
00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:45,221
[ Gasps ]
Have I said too much?
400
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,570
Ah, don't--
No, don't worry.
401
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:47,876
We'll get you out of here
so fast
402
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,138
that you'll be accused
of cheating.
403
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:52,533
You know what I mean?
Okay.
404
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:57,146
Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry
that Abby is gonna not be here.
405
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,366
But, you know, meeting your
heroes isn't always great.
406
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:02,934
When I was 10,
I met my favorite astronaut,
407
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,502
and she screamed
and bit my hand.
408
00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:10,942
But in the commander's defense,
she was a squirrel monkey.
409
00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:13,684
I get that meeting a celebrity
might not be a big deal
410
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:18,080
for someone who's met some of
our nation's greatest monkeys.
411
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,995
But it's hard being new in town.
412
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:22,389
Your whole life, you hear about
how magical New York is,
413
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:27,524
and when you get here, it's just
scaffolding and weird puddles.
414
00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:29,396
And when something magical
finally does happen,
415
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:32,573
like Macho Man Randy Savage
coming to your courtroom,
416
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,923
well, you miss it 'cause it's
the one day you took off work
417
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,707
and no one even
bothers to page you.
418
00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:38,840
Your hero is
Macho Man Randy Savage?
419
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,712
[ As Randy Savage ] Oh, yeah!
420
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:43,758
[ Normal voice ] I-I just wanted
to look out for Abby
421
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,803
the way I wish someone
had looked out for me.
422
00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:49,242
Last case--
People vs. Shawn Pierce.
423
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:52,767
I see here the defendant
is pleading no contest
424
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,464
to misdemeanor assault.
425
00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:56,292
Based on the witness statements
426
00:17:56,292 --> 00:18:00,253
provided by national treasures
Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir--
427
00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:05,040
hey!-- I will let the defendant
off with a $100 fine.
428
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,650
Case dis--
- Your Honor, the defense
429
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:08,739
would like to call a time-out.
430
00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:12,395
But I was about to make
my gavel noise.
431
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:16,138
Whoa. Dan Fielding making
a bold and daring move.
432
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:18,009
No one was expecting this.
433
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:22,275
Let's listen in.
Will he stick this landing?
434
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:25,626
We're gonna be amending
our plea to not guilty
435
00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:28,063
and calling
a bunch of witnesses,
436
00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:32,502
so if anybody has a pre-paid and
pre-tipped dinner reservation,
437
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:36,376
well, they can
kiss that goodbye.
438
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,379
So for our first witness,
we'd like to call
439
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:41,729
man sucking milk out of the bag.
440
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,736
For your first time
getting stuck on a subway,
441
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,607
you handled it pretty well.
442
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,174
Honestly, it wasn't
that different
443
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,002
from when I was trapped
in a corn maze.
444
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,352
That scarecrow and I
had some good times.
445
00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,355
Though I think, on some level,
446
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,140
we both knew
what we had was fleeting,
447
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,404
and that's what made it
so special.
448
00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:07,624
Well, you definitely kept it
from getting ugly in there.
449
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:08,886
So you think this
gets me closer
450
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,453
to being a real New Yorker?
451
00:19:10,453 --> 00:19:12,238
Eh, who knows what
a real New Yorker even is?
452
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,065
All I know is,
this is a city of weirdos,
453
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:16,111
and your relentless positivity
454
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:17,982
makes you one of the weirdest
people I ever met.
455
00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,767
Olivia, thank you.
456
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,162
You're gonna be just fine.
457
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,598
Fine enough to be
your subway buddy?
458
00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:27,253
No.
459
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,429
You don't know
the defendant at all,
460
00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:32,997
but your parents named you
Stefanie with an "F."
461
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:35,304
Why don't you take us all down
that road for a second.
462
00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:37,132
I've heard enough.
Defense rests.
463
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,134
Hold on.
I have a question.
464
00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:41,615
Johnny, Tara, do you think
it's too late for me
465
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,051
to learn how to skate?
466
00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,533
Abby, look who's here.
467
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,231
- Abby Stone?
- Tara, Johnny, hi!
468
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:50,754
Flawless entrance.
469
00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:54,628
Nobody walks into a room
better than Abby Stone.
470
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,499
Wait a minute.
You know each other?
471
00:19:56,499 --> 00:19:58,849
Of course. I see them
every year at Freezing Man.
472
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,764
It's like Burning Man
but for winter sports,
473
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:04,159
and instead of drugs,
we're high on ice pageantry.
474
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:05,465
So hold on a second.
475
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,075
You made me miss
the meal of a lifetime
476
00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:10,034
so that Abby could meet people
she's already met?
477
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,559
For a conversation I overheard
her having with someone else,
478
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:14,038
I got pretty close.
479
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:16,693
[ Cellphone chimes ]
- Oh, we've got to go.
480
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:19,087
Some idiot gave up their
reservation at Chromosomme.
481
00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:21,176
Ooh! Would you like to join us
for dinner, Your Honor?
482
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:22,917
Oh, hell yeah!
483
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:25,224
Bang, bang!
Court is adjourned.
484
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,530
Here.
You can have my chicken noodle.
485
00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,750
Let's go, let's go.
Excuse me.
486
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,493
I'm sorry you missed
your special dinner.
487
00:20:33,493 --> 00:20:38,193
But as a friend, I think I know
you better than science, so--
488
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,456
Gurgs, hog's head cheese,
489
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:43,024
stewed chicken feet,
fried gizzards.
490
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,155
Oh!
491
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:47,942
It's a feast fit for a king.
492
00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:49,987
These are all the weird
swamp delicacies
493
00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:51,554
you grew up on in Louisiana.
494
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:53,252
You know what?
I'd call your description rude,
495
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,644
but my favorite restaurant
growing up
496
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:57,256
was called Swamp Delicacies.
497
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,519
Oh. It was very fancy.
498
00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:03,566
You could pick your own
live gator from a tank.
499
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:05,873
Hey, guys, I just wanted
to say thank you so much
500
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:07,135
for stalling court for me.
501
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:09,311
It was--
Yo, are those gizzards?
502
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:10,399
- Yes!
- Let me in there!
503
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:11,618
Come on, sit down.
504
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:14,577
Feet for everybody.
Ha-ha!
505
00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,492
Come on.
- Mnh-mnh.
506
00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,102
I ain't-- Ugh!
507
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,018
- City folk.
- City folk.
508
00:21:21,068 --> 00:21:25,618
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