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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,131 --> 00:00:02,480 ♪ 2 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,440 Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock, 3 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:06,919 and you made it during Abby Hour. 4 00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:09,487 All decisions half-price. 5 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:11,315 - Judge, are you limping? - A bit. 6 00:00:11,315 --> 00:00:13,361 I got a little hit by a cab. 7 00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:17,843 And somehow, the driver got angrier than I did. 8 00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:20,020 So still getting the hang of New York, huh? 9 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,109 You know what they say-- You're not a real New Yorker 10 00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:24,589 until you pay the guy who just ran you over $45 11 00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:26,852 to drive you to the hospital. 12 00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,463 No, you're not a real New Yorker 13 00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,726 until you buy a rattrap, a hammer, and an egg sandwich 14 00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,381 from a bodega at 1:00 a.m. 15 00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,774 First up, the People vs. Caroline Kratz. 16 00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:37,950 The defendant is charged with disorderly conduct 17 00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:40,388 for bringing an uncontained animal onto the subway. 18 00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:41,867 Your Honor, there's a very simple 19 00:00:41,867 --> 00:00:44,174 and extremely legal explanation for this. 20 00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:46,046 It was a service animal. 21 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,873 It was a horse. 22 00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:51,442 A mini-horse. Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse. 23 00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,705 And according to New York vs. Pongo, 24 00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:56,447 mini-horses are allowed on public transit. 25 00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,667 Obviously, I got to get a look at this guy. 26 00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:00,451 [ Horse whinnies ] 27 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,285 Upstate, I used to guess horse sizes at the county fair. 28 00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:09,808 And that one is a "big." 29 00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:12,246 [ Horse neighs ] 30 00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:15,162 Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial. 31 00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,599 I've just learned that the defendant and Ms. Moore 32 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,035 have an existing relationship. 33 00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,906 They share a daily commute-- 34 00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:24,954 the 5:42 downtown six train at Hunter College Station. 35 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:27,826 Slow down. I think we just blew right past the big news here. 36 00:01:27,826 --> 00:01:30,742 That the allegedly blind defendant just recognized me? 37 00:01:30,742 --> 00:01:34,224 Oh, no, no, no. She didn't recognize you. 38 00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:36,879 The horse did. 39 00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:38,576 That's my daily commute, too. 40 00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:40,274 Olivia, we're subway buddies. 41 00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:42,928 Really? Well, that's crazy. 42 00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:44,452 Can't believe we haven't seen each other. 43 00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:47,759 I've seen both of you-- a bunch of times. 44 00:01:47,759 --> 00:01:49,587 Well, you're not helping. 45 00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:52,938 You know what? We just plead guilty. 46 00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:54,244 How do you put up with her? 47 00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:56,507 [ Horse grunts ] 48 00:01:56,507 --> 00:02:11,696 ♪ 49 00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:13,350 I just need a table for one. 50 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,613 Can't you squeeze me in this weekend? 51 00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,789 Oh, wait, wait. Did I say that my name is Dan Fielding? 52 00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:19,226 Uh, I meant, uh, it's 53 00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:22,272 [British accent] Dame Judi Dench. 54 00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,234 Can't get a table at a restaurant? 55 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,105 Ah, it's not just any restaurant. 56 00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:31,281 It's Chromosomme. 57 00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:33,675 Oh! I heard about that place. 58 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:36,025 They use science to design your perfect meal 59 00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,983 based on a cheek swab, a hair sample, 60 00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:40,725 and a secret you swore to take to the grave. 61 00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:43,554 The only chance I have to get in there is during the week, 62 00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:45,121 but we're always leaving here late. 63 00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:47,819 I'm all in favor of Abby's empathetic justice, 64 00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:49,647 but not when it gets between me and a risotto 65 00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:53,477 that was genetically engineered for my tongue. 66 00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:54,783 Well, at least you're not gonna have her 67 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,350 following you around on the subway, 68 00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:59,614 trying to make chitchat with her big hick energy. 69 00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,268 Yeah, the judge isn't good on the subway. 70 00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:03,095 I rode with her once. 71 00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:06,882 She held the pole and then touched her face so many times. 72 00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:09,580 There's my twin sixter. 73 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,930 'Cause we both take the six train. 74 00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,846 She gets it. - Yeah, we got it. 75 00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:16,457 And I watched you stand outside in the hall 76 00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,415 till you thought of it. 77 00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:21,026 I'm so excited to spend some more time together. 78 00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:24,987 You could show me the ropes. I'm still a "Newb Yorker." 79 00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,684 Okay, that one I can't take credit for. 80 00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,686 Someone screamed it in my face when I said "bless you" 81 00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:31,341 after they sneezed on me. 82 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,125 I think I'm gonna have to take the earlier train. 83 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:34,301 Yeah, sure. Or you know what? 84 00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:35,911 You could move to Denver. 85 00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:38,130 I bet you there are probably lawyers there, too. 86 00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:44,224 [ PA beeps, indistinct announcement ] 87 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,404 Oh, sorry. 88 00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:53,189 People are animals. 89 00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,322 Olivia! Hi. 90 00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:58,716 Oh, good. You took the early train, too. 91 00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,370 I was worried we'd miss each other 92 00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:03,025 and our work and private lives would stay separate. 93 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,766 Well, apparently, my lease says my super 94 00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:06,768 gets to shower in my apartment on Tuesday nights, 95 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,770 so I like to give him his space. 96 00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:13,731 [ Laughs ] Classic. 97 00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:16,865 So, are you, um-- - We probably shouldn't talk. 98 00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:18,780 There's a serial killer in the city 99 00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,608 who targets women who are friends. 100 00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:21,957 No, they caught that guy. 101 00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:25,047 I know 'cause he's my brother. 102 00:04:25,047 --> 00:04:26,918 Oh. I like your earrings. 103 00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:29,660 Keep it in your pants, perv. 104 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,881 What are you doing? Don't talk to people. 105 00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:34,535 Also, don't make eye contact. 106 00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,188 Or offer anyone candy. 107 00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:39,235 - Even on Halloween? - You stay inside on Halloween! 108 00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:40,932 I love this. 109 00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:43,674 I'm getting an Olivia master class on New York City. 110 00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:46,373 Promo code-- fuhgettaboutit. 111 00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:49,898 [ Brakes squeal ] - Oh! 112 00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:52,292 We're having a minor technical issue. 113 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,120 Hang tight, everyone. [ Passengers groan ] 114 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,254 Well, that's bonus subway buddy time. 115 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:03,390 So there's really no chance your brother's on this train? 116 00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,527 Okay, I talked to the driver, 117 00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,877 and there's no update on the maintenance issue. 118 00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:15,315 Also no update on the air-conditioning. 119 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,143 Here's a list of other things there's no update on. 120 00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:19,580 Here's an update-- You're not helpful, 121 00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:21,321 and everyone can see your nipples. 122 00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:26,151 Things are getting tense. 123 00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:28,240 Oh, you're not gonna freak out, are you? 124 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,417 You should know, I do not hold hands. 125 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,201 I'm okay. Everything's gonna be fine. 126 00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,116 Sure, we've been cut off from the societal norms 127 00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:35,813 that maintain order, 128 00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,772 but we're bonded together by something even stronger-- 129 00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:38,990 innate human decency. 130 00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:40,775 Stay back, you jackals. 131 00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,733 It's my job to deliver this food, 132 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,387 and the restaurant's run by the mob. 133 00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,434 There's nothing you can do to me that they won't do worse. 134 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,437 Okay, when the rats come for us-- and they will-- 135 00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:54,223 I will sell out every last one of you. 136 00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:57,008 I'm sure the decency will set in any minute now. 137 00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,010 Nope. We're screwed. 138 00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,708 Nothing's holding this together. 139 00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:03,406 The norms are gone. It's subterranean law. 140 00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:06,061 Give me your bag. 141 00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:08,803 What? I can't make a shiv out of any of this! 142 00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:13,547 Where's Olivia? 143 00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:16,419 I don't have the time or energy to learn new names. 144 00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:19,683 You understand what I mean, right, champ? 145 00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:21,381 The six train broke down. 146 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,731 So Abby and Olivia might not make it. 147 00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,210 We had to find some people to fill in. 148 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,864 All rise. 149 00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:29,127 Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session. 150 00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:32,217 The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding. 151 00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,178 Mmm-mmm-mmm! 152 00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:39,703 That is some good chicken noodle. Mmm! 153 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,183 Is it just me or does this guy have a real, like, 154 00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:42,532 substitute-teacher vibe? 155 00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:46,754 Uh, just an FYI, I have judge's elbow. 156 00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:51,759 So I'm gonna be making the gavel sound with my mouth. 157 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:54,805 You know, if we work together, we might be able to get, uh, 158 00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:57,939 old Judge Chicken Noodle there to do whatever we want. 159 00:06:57,939 --> 00:07:00,768 I may make it out in time to go to Chromosomme after all. 160 00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,552 And I can go to the strip club at night, 161 00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:04,598 when it's like a strip club in a movie. 162 00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,338 Not during the day, when it's like a strip club 163 00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,863 in a documentary. 164 00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:11,126 Uh, excuse me. What's the Wi-Fi here? 165 00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,084 I need it to look up case files. 166 00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:17,132 Also, does anyone have a Netflix password I can borrow? 167 00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:20,309 Also for case stuff. 168 00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:23,007 Or we may not have to do anything at all. 169 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:26,707 I better call Russ and tell him to get the champagne room ready. 170 00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,622 You see Russ, tell him I said hi. 171 00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:33,278 You do know I'm going to a male strip club, right? 172 00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:35,106 Yeah, I had a job before this. 173 00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:41,069 Maybe you need something else to focus on. 174 00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:43,419 I have this great game called "Crab Attack." 175 00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,508 Oh, right, my phone's been locked with ransomware 176 00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:48,119 ever since I downloaded "Crab Attack." 177 00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,643 Don't act like you're the calm one. 178 00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,167 I'm the calm one. I'm in control. 179 00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,256 Unless control is an illusion. 180 00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:56,650 I mean, I can't control the subway breaking down 181 00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:58,173 or that the universe is constantly expanding 182 00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,480 and I still can't afford a one-bedroom in it! 183 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,090 Hey! What do you think you're doing? 184 00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:03,961 That was my seat. - Your seat? 185 00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:06,834 I didn't realize I was on the train with Princess Von Bench. 186 00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,967 Whoa! Let's just not forget our innate human decency. 187 00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,360 Abby, stay out of this. 188 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,927 Well, someone's got to do something. 189 00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,755 This place is coming apart. - This is not court. 190 00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:17,148 They don't have to listen to you. 191 00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:18,759 You're right. 192 00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,630 It's not court. 193 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,980 But it could be. We should have a trial. 194 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:24,852 I mean, this is just a simple dispute. 195 00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:26,636 We can figure this out together. 196 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,595 It'll give us something else to think about. 197 00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,553 You know, I'm actually a judge. 198 00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:33,469 Does anyone else have any legal experience? 199 00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:35,427 I played a dead body on "Law Order." 200 00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:38,996 We've all played a dead body on "Law Order." 201 00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:41,477 You know, "Law Order" is the longest-running show 202 00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,871 with an ampersand in the title. 203 00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:45,742 Okay, okay. You like saying things. 204 00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,178 You can be the clerk. 205 00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,745 And I'm getting some real bailiff vibes 206 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:51,356 from the way you're guarding that pizza. 207 00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:53,750 Olivia, would you like to be the counsel? 208 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:56,231 You could think of it as work. 209 00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:59,060 Work is good. I can control work. 210 00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,409 Yeah, and you could go up against 211 00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:02,454 the greatest opponent of all. 212 00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:03,847 The sun? 213 00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,457 No. Yourself. 214 00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:07,068 You could play both sides. 215 00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,462 I'm in. 216 00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:12,203 [ High-pitched voice ] And so am I. 217 00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:13,901 [ Normal voice ] You know I'm not gonna do a voice. 218 00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:18,732 Oh, yes! I got a reservation! 219 00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:20,429 I've only got one case left. 220 00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:21,735 I can get there early and laugh at people 221 00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,998 who tested positive for salads. 222 00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:27,697 You'll never guess who's in the courthouse. 223 00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:30,657 Olympic figure skaters turned commentators 224 00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,528 turned maybe murderers. 225 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,616 I don't know why they here. 226 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:36,140 Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski. 227 00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:37,794 They're witnesses in the last case. 228 00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:41,319 Apparently, a figure skater hot-wired a Zamboni 229 00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:44,409 and tried to smush his competition. 230 00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:45,889 Abby would have loved meeting those two. 231 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,804 She's a huge figure-skating fan. 232 00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:50,764 Oh! Maybe we can stall until she gets here. 233 00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:53,070 Stall? Are you crazy? I've got a dinner reservation. 234 00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,898 So your fancy dinner is more important than your friend? 235 00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,421 This is not just a dinner. 236 00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:57,814 This is a meal that Scientific American 237 00:09:57,814 --> 00:10:00,904 called a "heinous waste of stem cells." 238 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:04,299 Fine. I don't need you. 239 00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:06,040 I can slow this court down on my own. 240 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,519 Careful, Gurgs, you're messing with powers 241 00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,260 that you couldn't possibly understand. 242 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:12,394 I have no idea what that means, but I'll figure it out. 243 00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,917 So we doing this case or not? 244 00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,658 - Not if I can help it. - Absolutely. 245 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,747 Don't make me choose a side. You're both my friends. 246 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:19,706 - Not if I can help it. - Absolutely. 247 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,059 Are we ready to begin? 248 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,626 Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are, 249 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,672 and there's nothing anybody can do to stop us. 250 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:32,501 Uh-oh. This says my wife called. 251 00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,721 And it's an emergency. 252 00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:36,723 Well, it always is with that one. 253 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,075 Anyway, let's start. 254 00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:43,338 Bang, bang! 255 00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,079 So that's your great stalling move, Gurgs? 256 00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:47,559 You know, I expected more from you. 257 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,431 What can I say, Dan? I'm all out of moves. 258 00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,738 Okay, Clerk, call the last case. 259 00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:55,132 Where's the clerk? - Well, look at that. 260 00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,265 I had more moves. 261 00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,701 We don't need Neil. 262 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,747 He's just a sentient clipboard anyway. 263 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,096 I can call the case. 264 00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:03,750 I wish that were true, Your Honor, 265 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,795 but it's like the regular judge says, 266 00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:09,146 "You can't work without a clerk." 267 00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,844 Well, that does rhyme. 268 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:13,890 You might as well get comfortable, Dan. 269 00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,675 You're gonna be here a while, 270 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,808 because I can assure you there's no way you're finding Neil. 271 00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:21,593 Hello, Neil. [ Chuckles ] 272 00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:23,465 Hiding a clerk in women's holding-- 273 00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:26,076 the oldest trick in the book. 274 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:27,338 Don't call me Neil. 275 00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:29,427 Linda says my name is Sweets now. 276 00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:32,866 This man bothering you, Sweets? 277 00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:35,695 Would you please open this door, let him out? 278 00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:41,004 Come on, Sweets. 279 00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:43,572 I can't. My legs are asleep. 280 00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,879 Man, this meal better be worth it. 281 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,576 Get up, get up, get up. 282 00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:48,969 What-- Hey! 283 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,057 I'm sorry. 284 00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:51,493 Gurgs said if I didn't help her, 285 00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:53,103 she'd tell everyone where I do stand-up. 286 00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:56,846 Well, that's more of a threat to us than to you. 287 00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:58,718 Well, well, well. 288 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,547 Looks like the Penn has become the Teller. 289 00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:03,853 You have gone too far. 290 00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,813 You can't lock me in here with Neil and... 291 00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:09,337 these charming ladies. 292 00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:12,514 Looks like it's Linda's lucky day. 293 00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:16,692 Sweets and Sour. 294 00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:19,782 - Uh, uh... - [ Laughs ] 295 00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:22,567 Six Train Downtown Local is now in session. 296 00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:25,048 The honorable judge This Lady presiding. 297 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:28,617 Alright, let's "baguette" it on. 298 00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:31,707 Your Honor, the defendant brazenly stole this woman's seat 299 00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:33,013 when she stood to stretch. 300 00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:34,971 And we all know the rule-- 301 00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:38,583 If the butt's still near, I'm a-sittin' here. 302 00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:41,891 Don't be fooled by the prosecution's big-city rhymes. 303 00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:45,590 Yeah, I'll give it to her, she is gorgeous and well-dressed. 304 00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,767 But the facts are on my side. 305 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,377 I recall at the time of the event, 306 00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,335 I had a clear view of the butt and the seat, 307 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,033 and there was separation. 308 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,078 But surely some amount of separation is acceptable. 309 00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:58,212 Maybe some separation, but it's six inches, tops. 310 00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:00,257 Ma'am, I'm gonna need to commandeer your sandwich 311 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,216 in the name of justice. 312 00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:04,000 [ Tone plays ] 313 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,176 It's more than six inches. 314 00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:09,614 Objection! The sandwich has a bite out of it. 315 00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,703 I'll allow it. 316 00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:14,271 [ Tone plays ] - Look, I'm not unreasonable. 317 00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:16,447 I'd give up my seat to an old lady or someone pregnant. 318 00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:17,884 Interesting you'd say that. 319 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,408 What if I told you Rita is pregnant? 320 00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:21,757 [ All gasp ] 321 00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:24,716 That's right. I do have sex. 322 00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:26,196 Let me ask you, 323 00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:27,850 what's the due date? - They're always wrong. 324 00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:29,156 - Gender? - It's a post-gender society. 325 00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,331 What'd you have for lunch today? 326 00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:31,288 - Sushi and bologna. - Gross! 327 00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:32,986 But also, gotcha. 328 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,596 Pregnant women can't eat either of those things. 329 00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,337 [ All gasp ] 330 00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:39,079 Fine. I don't actually have sex. 331 00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,037 Happy now? [ Tone plays ] 332 00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:43,692 The jury has returned the verdict. 333 00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:46,303 And they have decided that the pregnant one 334 00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:49,480 and nipples should kiss. 335 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,308 You know what? I'll just rule. 336 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:55,008 On the charge of subway seat theft, I find the defendant-- 337 00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,966 [ All gasp ] 338 00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:58,620 [ Cheers and applause ] 339 00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:01,797 No. Stop the train! Stop the-- 340 00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,668 We haven't heard which one of me won! 341 00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:07,455 You're in luck, Judge. 342 00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:10,414 This court has the largest active VHS collection 343 00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,503 in the continental United States. 344 00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:15,680 And once Alaska falls, we'll stand alone. 345 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,466 Oh, there are some good flicks in here. 346 00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:20,163 Now, where's the remote? 347 00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:22,687 'Cause I like to fast-forward through the scary parts. 348 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,952 - Looking for this? - How did you get out? 349 00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:29,651 I jimmied the lock with the underwire from Linda's bra. 350 00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:32,001 Well, I anticipated your escape, 351 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,047 and that's why I scheduled a tornado drill 352 00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,005 to start in 3, 2-- 353 00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:37,746 One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs, 354 00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:40,880 is I have powerful friends in the Tornado Marshal's office, 355 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,839 and I rescheduled that drill till your birthday, 356 00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:46,363 just as they wheel out the cake. 357 00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,148 Something you overlooked is, last year, 358 00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:50,193 I wished for no tornado drills on my birthday. 359 00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,500 But now you said the wish out loud. 360 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:55,198 You monster. 361 00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:57,679 I'll give it to you, Gurgs. You know how this place works. 362 00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:00,334 But nobody knows it better than me. 363 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,685 Then you know there's a water main behind that wall, 364 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:07,341 and if it were to somehow break, 365 00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:10,561 the cleanup would be quite time-consuming. 366 00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,041 Where's the remote? 367 00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,043 This is one of those scary parts. 368 00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:15,740 Gurgs, I'm not gonna try and stop you, 369 00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:19,092 because unlike the wife of the man who built this place, 370 00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:23,444 you love this building too much to put an ax in its chest. 371 00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:28,449 You win, Dan. Enjoy your dinner. 372 00:15:28,449 --> 00:15:30,755 I hope your scallops are saltier than Abby's tears 373 00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:31,887 when she hears she missed a chance 374 00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,715 at meeting ice-skating royalty. 375 00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:35,717 There won't be any scallops. 376 00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:38,067 I already know that my personalized menu 377 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:41,810 will rely heavily on an endangered species. 378 00:15:43,551 --> 00:15:47,685 It's always been a dream of mine to eat the last of something. 379 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:57,086 Hi. Dan Fielding. 380 00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:59,262 I just want to say that I have a great deal of respect 381 00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,177 for Olympics athletes. 382 00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:05,225 Your ability to work only once every four years-- incredible. 383 00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:08,228 Now, this is a man with presence. 384 00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:11,013 It's like a daring mix of stateliness 385 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,275 and "I couldn't care less" energy 386 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,539 that is just so exciting to watch. 387 00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:18,194 Well, he's known as the bad boy of the courtroom 388 00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:19,717 for a reason, T. - Mm-hmm. 389 00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:23,330 The passion, the fire, the pageantry. 390 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,507 You know, we live for pageantry. - For pageantry. 391 00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:28,378 Wow. Wonderful. 392 00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:31,120 So may I ask what you two were talking to our bailiff about? 393 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,817 She asked us to stick around for her friend, 394 00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,645 but, I mean, if we stayed every time a bailiff 395 00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:36,430 asked us to meet someone, 396 00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:38,736 we'd never have time to form this remarkable friendship. 397 00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:41,087 Also, full disclosure, we have an early breakfast 398 00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:42,653 with Michelle Kwan and Ewan McGregor. 399 00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:45,221 [ Gasps ] Have I said too much? 400 00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,570 Ah, don't-- No, don't worry. 401 00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:47,876 We'll get you out of here so fast 402 00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,138 that you'll be accused of cheating. 403 00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:52,533 You know what I mean? Okay. 404 00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:57,146 Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry that Abby is gonna not be here. 405 00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,366 But, you know, meeting your heroes isn't always great. 406 00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:02,934 When I was 10, I met my favorite astronaut, 407 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,502 and she screamed and bit my hand. 408 00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:10,942 But in the commander's defense, she was a squirrel monkey. 409 00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:13,684 I get that meeting a celebrity might not be a big deal 410 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:18,080 for someone who's met some of our nation's greatest monkeys. 411 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,995 But it's hard being new in town. 412 00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:22,389 Your whole life, you hear about how magical New York is, 413 00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:27,524 and when you get here, it's just scaffolding and weird puddles. 414 00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:29,396 And when something magical finally does happen, 415 00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:32,573 like Macho Man Randy Savage coming to your courtroom, 416 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,923 well, you miss it 'cause it's the one day you took off work 417 00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,707 and no one even bothers to page you. 418 00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:38,840 Your hero is Macho Man Randy Savage? 419 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,712 [ As Randy Savage ] Oh, yeah! 420 00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:43,758 [ Normal voice ] I-I just wanted to look out for Abby 421 00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,803 the way I wish someone had looked out for me. 422 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:49,242 Last case-- People vs. Shawn Pierce. 423 00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:52,767 I see here the defendant is pleading no contest 424 00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,464 to misdemeanor assault. 425 00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:56,292 Based on the witness statements 426 00:17:56,292 --> 00:18:00,253 provided by national treasures Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir-- 427 00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:05,040 hey!-- I will let the defendant off with a $100 fine. 428 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,650 Case dis-- - Your Honor, the defense 429 00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:08,739 would like to call a time-out. 430 00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:12,395 But I was about to make my gavel noise. 431 00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:16,138 Whoa. Dan Fielding making a bold and daring move. 432 00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:18,009 No one was expecting this. 433 00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:22,275 Let's listen in. Will he stick this landing? 434 00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:25,626 We're gonna be amending our plea to not guilty 435 00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:28,063 and calling a bunch of witnesses, 436 00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:32,502 so if anybody has a pre-paid and pre-tipped dinner reservation, 437 00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:36,376 well, they can kiss that goodbye. 438 00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,379 So for our first witness, we'd like to call 439 00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:41,729 man sucking milk out of the bag. 440 00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,736 For your first time getting stuck on a subway, 441 00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,607 you handled it pretty well. 442 00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,174 Honestly, it wasn't that different 443 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,002 from when I was trapped in a corn maze. 444 00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,352 That scarecrow and I had some good times. 445 00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,355 Though I think, on some level, 446 00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,140 we both knew what we had was fleeting, 447 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,404 and that's what made it so special. 448 00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:07,624 Well, you definitely kept it from getting ugly in there. 449 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:08,886 So you think this gets me closer 450 00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,453 to being a real New Yorker? 451 00:19:10,453 --> 00:19:12,238 Eh, who knows what a real New Yorker even is? 452 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,065 All I know is, this is a city of weirdos, 453 00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:16,111 and your relentless positivity 454 00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:17,982 makes you one of the weirdest people I ever met. 455 00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,767 Olivia, thank you. 456 00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,162 You're gonna be just fine. 457 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,598 Fine enough to be your subway buddy? 458 00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:27,253 No. 459 00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,429 You don't know the defendant at all, 460 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:32,997 but your parents named you Stefanie with an "F." 461 00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:35,304 Why don't you take us all down that road for a second. 462 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:37,132 I've heard enough. Defense rests. 463 00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,134 Hold on. I have a question. 464 00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:41,615 Johnny, Tara, do you think it's too late for me 465 00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,051 to learn how to skate? 466 00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,533 Abby, look who's here. 467 00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,231 - Abby Stone? - Tara, Johnny, hi! 468 00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:50,754 Flawless entrance. 469 00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:54,628 Nobody walks into a room better than Abby Stone. 470 00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,499 Wait a minute. You know each other? 471 00:19:56,499 --> 00:19:58,849 Of course. I see them every year at Freezing Man. 472 00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,764 It's like Burning Man but for winter sports, 473 00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:04,159 and instead of drugs, we're high on ice pageantry. 474 00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:05,465 So hold on a second. 475 00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,075 You made me miss the meal of a lifetime 476 00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:10,034 so that Abby could meet people she's already met? 477 00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,559 For a conversation I overheard her having with someone else, 478 00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:14,038 I got pretty close. 479 00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:16,693 [ Cellphone chimes ] - Oh, we've got to go. 480 00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:19,087 Some idiot gave up their reservation at Chromosomme. 481 00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:21,176 Ooh! Would you like to join us for dinner, Your Honor? 482 00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:22,917 Oh, hell yeah! 483 00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:25,224 Bang, bang! Court is adjourned. 484 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,530 Here. You can have my chicken noodle. 485 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,750 Let's go, let's go. Excuse me. 486 00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,493 I'm sorry you missed your special dinner. 487 00:20:33,493 --> 00:20:38,193 But as a friend, I think I know you better than science, so-- 488 00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,456 Gurgs, hog's head cheese, 489 00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:43,024 stewed chicken feet, fried gizzards. 490 00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,155 Oh! 491 00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:47,942 It's a feast fit for a king. 492 00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:49,987 These are all the weird swamp delicacies 493 00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:51,554 you grew up on in Louisiana. 494 00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:53,252 You know what? I'd call your description rude, 495 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,644 but my favorite restaurant growing up 496 00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:57,256 was called Swamp Delicacies. 497 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,519 Oh. It was very fancy. 498 00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:03,566 You could pick your own live gator from a tank. 499 00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:05,873 Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thank you so much 500 00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:07,135 for stalling court for me. 501 00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:09,311 It was-- Yo, are those gizzards? 502 00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:10,399 - Yes! - Let me in there! 503 00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:11,618 Come on, sit down. 504 00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:14,577 Feet for everybody. Ha-ha! 505 00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,492 Come on. - Mnh-mnh. 506 00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,102 I ain't-- Ugh! 507 00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,018 - City folk. - City folk. 508 00:21:21,068 --> 00:21:25,618 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38969

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