All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s10e14 Two Timing Goldbergs.eng

[Adult Adam] Back in the '80s,
I was a boy who put it all on the line romantically.

But now that I was
kind of an adult

in kind of
an adult relationship,

I didn't need to do
that stuff anymore.

- Nice ketchup work.
- [chuckles]

You really know your way
around a bottle of red.

Aww, look who knows
how to talk to a lady.

I used to be a tad uncomfy
around the gals,

but now complimenting
your condiment work

is as easy as breathing.

Don't you carry
an inhaler?

You know it.

You and ragweed take
my breath away, girl.

[giggles]

[Adult Adam]
Yep, I was on cloud nine.

Every moment with Carmen
felt like a fantastical dance number.

♪ Ohhh, yeah ♪

♪ Dance all night ♪

♪ Never gonna stop ♪

♪ We'll be groovin'
till the break of dawn ♪

♪ Hey, dance all night ♪

♪ Hey, dance all night ♪

♪ Doo-doo-da da-da-doo ♪

- [Johnny] Goldnerd!
- [snapping fingers]

Goldnerd!
What the hell, bro?

Stop getting freaky
with the mop.

Sorry, I was in
a semi-fugue state

dreaming about
my special lady.

- Nancy Reagan?
- No.

Poetess Maya Angelou?

- What?
- Leslie Nielsen?

It's Carmen,
my girlfriend!

Yeah,
I don't think so, man.

We're literally dating,

and you think
white-haired actor Leslie Nielsen

is a more likely
romantic partner for me?

Tennis legend
Billie Jean King?

Yep, BJK.
You got me.

[Adult Adam]
It was useless-- I would always be a romantic at heart.

Which meant it was time
to celebrate our relationship,

no matter
how small the reason.

Oh, don't worry.

I won't peek
at the special surprise

someone's making
his mamaaaa!

[chuckles]
None of this is for you.

And why would it be?

Because it's Mother's Day.

No, it's not.
It's a random Tuesday in February.

Well, every day
should be Mother's Day.

We only created
the entire world.

You certainly created
this awkward moment.

- And these are for Carmen.
- Really?

You're still seeing
that girl, huh?

For the millionth time, yes.

So what's it gonna be
this time?

A standard "Say Anything"
boombox

followed by a trellis climb
for a PG-rated smooch?

You don't know
all my moves!

But basically, yeah.

- It's our
"one month-iversary." - Month-iversary?

Plus I rented a tux, and
I'm putting the final touches

on a patented
Adam Goldberg mixtape! Why are you crying?

I just remember when you were
so teeny and innocent

and didn't like
strange local women.

I'm taking this upstairs.

But I love you!
I've always loved you!

Okay, how do you turn
this thing on from here?

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

[Adult Adam]
It was February 22nd, 1980-something,

and Erica was preparing
to introduce

the newest member
of the Goldbergs

to the one person
who hadn't met her,

Erica's best friend,
Lainey Lewis.

Okay, I need
to get this right.

With the hat
or without the hat?

I think you're putting too much
emphasis on appearances, Erica.

It's just been a while since
Lainey's come back from LA.

I want our baby to make
a good impression.

Get the tiny sunglasses.

It's true, she's a fox.

Good luck,
boys in 15 years.

25 years!

Or whenever.
I'm a chill dad.

I'm just saying,
Lainey has a rock 'n roll life,

and I'm a full-time mom.

Our lives couldn't be
more different.

Please, she's probably
wallowing in misery like you.

Like me?
And why would she be wallowing?

Because her spirit
has been crushed

since Barry went back
to the girlfriend dealership

and upgraded his model.

[doorbell rings]

[Lainey and Erica squeal
and laugh]

- It's so great to see you!
- Oh, you, too!

What a fun,
screechy reunion.

I was not met with that level
of enthusiasm

when I scooped her
at the airport

in the dead center
of the work day.

- [chuckles]
- Yeah, Dad's here, too.

Now where's that little beam
of sunshine?

Auntie Lainey,
meet Muriel.

Oh, my God. [sighs]

This is the cutest child
who ever walked the earth.

Oh, she's actually
not walking yet.

The doctor said
it's totally normal,

no matter how many times
I ask him.

Lainey Lewis.

And your father,
Mr. Bill Lewis.

Hello to both of you.

Hi, Bar.
Is that a giant chocolate kiss?

'Tis.
Been working it all day.

Wanted to bloat up so not
to look too attractive for my old flame.

Look at that, it worked.

It's also out of respect

to my former lover's
father.

I'm no threat
to your baby girl.

The brown ring around your lips
tells the story, son,

but thanks for the words.

Maybe I'll just
swing by later, Erica.

But we have so much
to catch up on.

Bye, kiddo. Move out
as soon as you can, 'kay?

I guess I'll just use
the restroom at home.

Ciao!

- Y'know, that reminds me...
- [door closes]

I, too, should mosey on out
of here in a casual fashion.

Take that the completely
innocent way it is intended.

- What you up to, Bar?
- Conventional things.

Just going to meet
Matt Bradley

so he can help me pick out
some jean shorts, you know.

- [door closes]
- What a strangely exhausting three minutes.

- Hanky-panky!
- What?

An illicit entanglement
is brewing

between Barry and Lainey!

No way.
I know Lainey,

and she would never
make that mistake again.

For the third time.

I don't know,
whenever Lainey's around, Barry gets all weird.

He's Barry.

Weird is his natural state.

Plus, he's over Lainey.

I just don't see Barry
ever fully moving on.

Where is all this
coming from?

Okay, one, Barry is on record
saying that jean shorts

are the uniform
of "half-men."

Two, Barry would never
go to Matt Bradley

for advice about anything,

and three,
Matt Bradley is out of town!

Even if Barry was dumb enough
to go back down that road,

there is no way
that Lainey would.

If she was even thinking
about it, she'd tell me.

- I'm her best friend!
- Maybe.

But there are two words
she hasn't shared with you--

- hanky-panky.
- Oh.

[Adult Adam] As Geoff worried
that Barry and Lainey

were falling back
into a romance,

my mom was worried about
my romance with Carmen.

Adam and that Carmen
are moving way too fast.

I thought we were discussing
my recent health scare,

but let's pivot to you.

I mean, his little heart
is just so sensitive.

What if she rejects him?
It'll crush him.

He does seem like a person
who's been shielded by someone

from experiencing
most things

any adult
would have by now.

[laughs]

- [gasps] Ginzy!
- Hm?

That Carmen is here,
and she's with another man!

[gasps] Really?

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do...

Assume the best
and mind our own business?

You're gonna work your way
over to their table.

Be invisible
and totally forgettable--

[gasps] just like that!

Yes! [breathes sharply]

You're gonna spy on them and
write down everything they say.

Beverly, part of the reason
that I asked you for coffee today

is I wanted to say that
I no longer want to be roped

into Goldbergs hijinks
and shenanigans.

Go-go-go-go-go-go-go!

Oh! [laughs]
Excuse me.

I just accidentally bumped
into you and started this conversation.

I... I just gotta get
to the men's room.

[laughs] You're funny,

and I've disarmed you
by giving you a compliment.

Now, is that your sister
you're with?

What?
Oh, uh, no.

Cousin? Landlord?

Some woman you found
confused on the street,

and you're buying her coffee?
What?

We're on a date,
if you must know.

Oh, you mean like a platonic
work date with no feelings?

Uh, a date date.

That two-timing hussy!

I'm so confused right now.

Well, nobody cares.
Just... get...

[Adult Adam]
As my mom raced off to stop me from my grand gesture...

I will protect my baby!

...across town,
Geoff was looking for evidence of two-timing of his own.

Oh, weird.
Look who it is!

Geoffrey Olivia Schwartz,

did you use
putting our baby to sleep

as a way
to get me to spy on Barry?

I know
something's going on! I can just feel it!

Look, he's stopping at that
cheesesteak place.

You know Lainey loves cheesesteaks.

This is dumb.

I brought
my birding binoculars.

- And it gets dumber.
- Look!

He's getting
two cheesesteaks!

We have to follow
that cheese.

Should we have disguises, too?

Way ahead of you.

Let my mom's gardening hats

and my dad's cataract shades
camouflage us!

- Our marriage is weird.
- Mm.

And so, they followed
Barry all over town.

Until they ended up here.

He's turning towards
that house.

Wait,
that's Lainey's house!

Oh!

I can't believe it.

Barry and Lainey...

Oh, why did you make me
know this?

[Adult Adam]
While my sister and Geoff were getting closer

to the truth about Barry,
I was about to tell Carmen how truly close to her I felt.

- Stop!
- Mom!

What the hell
are you doing?

Protecting you!

The grand gesture--
abort, abort!

This is way too far.

I know you don't like Carmen,
but--

Adam, I saw her
on a date.

A date?

You must have misunderstood.

I'm telling you, it's true.

Look, I appreciate
your concern,

but I'll just talk to Carmen
and clear this up.

- Go home.
- But, Schmoopie Poopie--

Go!

- Was that your mom?
- Yeah.

She just was freaking out
because, um,

she thought she saw you
on a date with some other guy.

Oh. [chuckles]
She saw us?

That's awkward.

So then,
you were on a date?

Yeah, but,
I mean, it's okay,

'cause you and I
are casual, right?

[laughs]
Oh, definitely! Casual!

Wait,
why do you have roses?

And what's the cassette?

These roses are...

for Carla!

She's had a hard time lately.

Aww.
I can totally sell these.

And the mixtape is...

for Johnny!

- Friendship mix!
- How much Rush is on here?

Somewhere
between zero and none.

You don't know me at all!
Friendship rejected!

You... weren't about to do
some big romantic thing for me?

'Cause I don't want things
to be weird for you,

and if they are,
then maybe we should--

Nope! Not weird.

Look, if you can't handle
a casual relationship--

Oh, I can handle casual.

If anyone can be casual,
I can be casual.

I can't be casual, Mama!

Don't worry, baby.
Mama will protect you

from the nuanced
adult relationship.

[Adult Adam]
Erica and Geoff had caught Barry doing... something,

and Erica was pretty worked up
to nail down what it was.

I can't believe it.

If Lainey is having an affair
with Barry, why wouldn't she tell me?

Isn't it more important that
he's cheating on my sister?

Sure.
She's not one of us, though.

She's the aunt
to your child.

Yeah, through marriage,
I guess.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh, it's Lainey. I need to get to the bottom of this.

- Now hide!
- Hide?

Yes. This is the kind of thing
only best friends confide in each other!

- Oh!
- Now go!

Hey!

Hey there [chuckles]
best friend,

no matter
what other things

have transpired
in our lives.

How are things going, huh?

Oh, come on,
let's get caught up.

Spill our darkest secrets.

I wish I had some dark secrets
to spill.

I feel like I've been
so boring lately.

Look, I'd like to think that
you'll always be

the one person
I can trust--

who I can confess
anything to.

Aww, of course you can, Erica.

I'm so glad to hear that.
[chuckles]

I've been thinking
about cheating on Geoff.

- You?
- What?

I think about being
with another man constantly.

Where I'd meet the guy,
what hotel we'd go to--

the Bay Breeze Inn
off 276.

It's close,
but also out of the way.

Um, I'm not sure
how to respond.

The appropriate response
would be to admit

that you've had
some similar feelings

and/or participated in
any infidelities of your own?

- Uh...
- Because I think about cheating

- on Geoff all the time.
- [whispering] What?

I imagine a strange man's
hands in my hair,

on my body,
whispering in my ear.

Do you judge me
or do you kinda get it?

You guys seem
so happy together.

No one can know the heart
of another, right?

Which is why I don't know
yours-- so use your words.

- Any hanky-panky going on?
- Hanky-panky?

If I were cheating
on Geoff, you'd be the first person I told.

No detail would be spared.
So spill it.

- I mean, actually--
- Yes?

[sighs] I was waiting for
the right moment to tell you

Steve and I broke up recently,
so there's no one to cheat on.

It's been really lonely.

- Has it?
- Yes.

And I'm still upset, too.

But I'm really worried
about you right now.

So let me just get us some tea
and let's dig in.

Just know
I care about you, okay?

Well,
I care about you, too.

Almost as much as I want
to cheat on Geoff! [chuckles]

What in the actual [bleep]?

You wanted the truth, right?
Well, we got it!

The only truth I've found out
is that my wife

would be great
at having an affair!

C'mon!
Lainey and Steve broke up.

She's been lonely.
The pieces fit.

I think you were right.

Oh, poor Joanne.
I've gotta tell her.

No, she will hate you forever.

There's only one way
to let her know--

get her to stumble
onto the crime herself.

Oh, that's
incredibly harsh.

It's the only way.

Okay, just promise me
you'll never go to that Bay Breeze Inn.

- That filthy dump?
[scoffs] Never. - What?

- Or anywhere else, obviously.
- [scoffs]

[Adult Adam]
While Geoff and Erica had clarity about Barry and Lainey,

Carmen had left me
very confused.

Casual?

I mean, I'm a guy

who goes from intense
monogamous relationship

to intense monogamous relationship,
like a normal person!

Are you sure this woman
is for you?

She doesn't seem
to understand

how special
my perfect little angel is.

Look, I have to grow up
sometime, Mom,

and I really like Carmen.

So if she wants to be
non-exclusive,

I guess I'm just gonna
have to figure out how.

If I may remind you,
you happen to be the son

of the greatest Yenta
the world has ever known.

I don't think I've ever said
this to you before,

but I like the way
you're thinking.

If my handsome little man
needs to be non-exclusive,

we're gonna show her
how non-exclusive he can be.

It's matchmaking time!

- [Adult Adam] My mom pulled out
all the stops. - Beverly. [laughs]

[Adult Adam]
She used the phone, the Rolodex...

obvious choices,
less obvious choices.

She left no stone unturned
to find me a perfect match.

So, what
are we working with?

Lay it on me. Who's lining up
for a dose of Vitamin A?

Lotta interest, um,

but I think this
might not be dating season.

Dating season?

You know how many ladies
like to go away on vacation

at the end of February.

Oh, my God. Nobody wanted
to go out with me, did they?

You're a bit
of a tough sell.

You put off
going to college,

you're working
part-time in a diner,

you're living at home,

and it does not
sweeten the pot

that you're currently
seeing someone else

in a non-exclusive sitch.

Now, the only one that might be
a possibility is Essie,

but she said
she'd have to think on it.

This is a nightmare!

It's tearing me apart
that the world can't see my boy

for the hot property he is,

even though,
in this moment,

- to all appearances,
it seems like you're a loser. - Thank you?

I'll just have to go
to Carmen

- and let her know
we're ready to be exclusive. -"We"?

Then point out
all the amazing things

she'll be missing
if she doesn't accept

a committed relationship
from you.

No. I have to prove to her
that I can be casual.

And how are you supposed
to do that?

You're the master
of the grand gesture.

I can't tell you
how many I've seen from afar

and wished I was the girl
in the window.

Yes! Your horrifying and
possibly criminal revelation

has given me an idea!

You run away to
the Dominican Republic

- and start fresh?
- So far from that.

But what if
I did something bold

to prove to her
how chill I am?

You mean like a classic
Adam Goldberg grand gesture,

but... of casualness?

Exactly.

That is the most brilliant
thing I've ever heard,

and I'm certain I'm not being
blinded by a mother's love

and desperation for you
to never feel rejection.

- Go to her.
- I will!

But, like, not in a rush.

Also,
I was sugarcoating it.

It was a hard no from Essie.

[Adult Adam]
As I was off to show Carmen how chill I could be,

Geoff and Erica's
investigation was heating up.

- Jo Jo! Over here!
- Oh!

Ooh! What's going on?

Geoff said you were having
a fashion emergency, Erica?

There's no fashion emergency, Joanne.

Sure, if you say it,
then it's true.

Look, you're here because
we have something upsetting to show you.

We're sorry,
but my brother's having an affair with Lainey.

Puh-leeze. I'll believe that
when I see it.

Barry's in there right now
with Lainey. We saw him go in.

But he just told me he was
going to the library to study.

- That in itself
should've been a big clue. - Hey, guys.

- Gah!
- Lainey?

Why are you talking behind
the Metcalfs' hedge?

Wait, but if you're not
in there, what's Barry doing?

[Barry and Bill]
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

What the hell?

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Barry?

- Ca--
- Huh?

Ah! This isn't what
it looks like, baby!

I honestly have no idea
what it looks like.

[Adult Adam]
As things with Barry developed an unexpected wrinkle,

I was ready
to iron things out

with Carmen--
casually, of course.

[In distance]
♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

♪ All through the town ♪

[breathes sharply]

- [music continues]
- Adam?

♪ The wipers on the bus
go--♪

- [clicks, music stops]
- Heyyy! [chuckles]

I was just wandering through
your neighborhood,

and I'd like
to make clear--

walking, not running,
and absolutely not in the rain.

What's with the step stool?

See, normally when
I'm dating someone,

I'll scale a trellis
to their bedroom window.

But as we are both
being casual,

thought it seemed
a little much.

So instead,
I brought a step stool

to chat with you
near your toilet.

Wanna explain the boombox?

Usually that'd be playing
a Peter Gabriel ballad,

but since we're in
a non-exclusive,

super-laid-back thing,

I'm playing
"The Wheels on the Bus."

So you came to my window
with a step stool and a boombox

to profess your
[chuckling] ability

to be in
a casual relationship?

Adam...

[sighs]
Yeah, it's not great.

[sighs]

The truth is, I'm not built
for a casual relationship.

I like you...

a lot.

And I don't want to
play it cool or see other people.

I want to jump in,
cast caution to the wind,

and see where we land.

It's just who I am.
[breathing quickly]

Sorry I made it weird.

Unfortunately,
that's also who I am.

[breathes deeply]

[Adult Adam]
So it turned out Barry wasn't having an affair with Lainey,

but he did have
a secret relationship with her dad, Bill,

which left us
with even more questions.

It all started the day
of the Eagles-Cowboys game.

We were both going to a bar

'cause we had no one
to watch the game with.

So Bill suggested we go back
to his house

so we can enjoy it together.

And to our surprise,
we had a magical day together.

We both thought
it was a one-time thing,

but, dammit, we could not
get enough of each other.

It just felt too good.

So good.

After a while, we'd watch
any random sport

as an excuse
to spend time together--

handball, badminton,
water polo.

We even watched
Olympic women's Ping-Pong.

It was like a drug.

We started to build up
our own private jokes,

traditions,
and superstitions--

So that's what we just saw?

I know we're caught,
but I'd do it all again

- a million times over.
- Me too.

Why'd you hide it?

Truthfully, we knew
it wouldn't last.

I mean, we have nothing
in common.

No.

Maybe you have more in common
than you think.

You're both missing someone
in your lives

you used
to share sports with.

- Dad.
- Mur-man.

And in some twisted way, this
is how you're dealing with it.

Dad and I used to share
the lows and extra lows

of Philadelphia sports together.

[sighs] Mur and I could
sit together for hours

and not say a thing,

unless my Cowboys
were playing his Eagles.

Then he would insult my family,
my honor, my body shape.

I loved it so much.

I guess it's over now.

Don't be stupid.
You can still hang out.

[scoffs]
Boys are so dumb.

You mean...

Gentlemen sports-time
is back on!

And no longer
in the shadows!

Oh.

[together]
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[both laugh]

Maybe a little shadow
wouldn't hurt.

Speaking of, you thought
I was cheating with Barry?

I know it's ridiculous,

but I feel like our lives
are so different now...

Maybe
you wouldn't tell me.

Are you kidding?
I would tell you anything.

You're my best friend.

[Adult Adam]
While Barry and Bill took their weird man crush

out of the shadows,

my future with Carmen
was nothing but darkness.

Hey, Schmoo, I've got
some Rice Krispie Treats

if you're interested.

Thanks, but I'm not really
in the mood for snackies right now.

I know this didn't go the way
you wanted it to, sweetie,

but it's always more mature

to just show people
who you really are.

Well, the real me is gonna
be sad for a while.

I know you don't care
what I think,

but I love the real you.

[sighs]

[in distance]
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

- What's that?
-♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round-- ♪

- [button clicks, music stops]
- Carmen?

Hey.

I was just
in the neighborhood,

decided to swing by,
all casual-like.

I'll come down.

[sighs]

You know, I have
never had a guy show up to my window

with a step stool
and a boombox like that.

Really? You should have
a million guys

outside your window.

Not a million.

The appropriate amount.

Why don't you talk now?

And the reason I wanted to draw
the line at casual

is 'cause I just got out
of a relationship,

and I'm [breathes deeply]
not ready to be hurt again.

I get it.

The thing is...

I know you are not the kind
of guy who's going to hurt me.

So...

we can be exclusive
and see where it goes.

I think I can
make that work.

[laughs] You think
you could still show me

what an Adam Goldberg
grand gesture is like?

I would love to.

- ["Can't Hardly Wait" plays]
- [chuckles]

[Adult Adam] Relationships
can be complicated.

Just when you think you're
getting close to someone,

they can pull away.

♪ Lights that flash
in the evening ♪

[Adult Adam]
But as long as you show people who you really are,

you'll find even
casual acquaintances

can become like family.

- Whoo!
- Touchdown!

♪ I can't hardly wait ♪

So, your incredibly
specific tale

of infidelity
got me thinking.

You're not the only one
who can spin a convincing yarn

about a torrid dalliance.

All right. Get whatever this is
out of your system.

I'm just saying, I, too,
know an out-of-the-way motel

where the touching
of non-wives may occur.

Oh, no.
I feel super threatened.

That's right.
I would do some touching.

Could you possibly be
more specific?

Happily.

Know that said touching
would be the touching

of an unfamiliar
female person...

Uh-huh.

And perhaps,
if her hands are clean,

underneath
this rugby shirt.

You're incredibly bad
at this.

Please never leave me.

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