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1
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Of all the indignities of middle school,
2
00:00:02,342 --> 00:00:04,840
nothing was worse than the
soul-crushing humiliation
3
00:00:04,841 --> 00:00:07,373
of being forced to swim in gym class...
4
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:10,543
All right, swimmers,
let's have some fun!
5
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:13,112
...the sickening smell of
chlorine, the thick, humid air,
6
00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:15,215
having to be shirtless
in front of your class
7
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,383
while you were at your
most gawky and awkward.
8
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:18,685
And it was worse for the girls.
9
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,186
They would have to parade in front of us
10
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:22,555
at the most self-conscious
time in their lives.
11
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,352
Please don't look at me.
12
00:00:23,376 --> 00:00:24,524
Please don't look at me.
Please don't look at me!
13
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,992
Yep, you dreaded it all year
14
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,661
until, at last, it was unavoidable.
15
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,496
Or... Was it?
16
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,565
Goldfarb. No suit, again, I see.
17
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,900
What is it this time?
18
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,602
I have a contagious butt rash.
19
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,936
I hated swimming so much,
20
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:39,072
I would try pretty much
anything to get out of it.
21
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,406
Swimming is against my religion.
22
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:41,407
I'm allergic to water.
23
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:42,575
I have an irritable bowel.
24
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,777
I got one heck of a fungus downstairs.
25
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,746
Yep, I had beaten the system.
26
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,314
Adam is failing gym class.
27
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:49,482
Or so I thought.
28
00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,951
I'd say the failing
is yours, but continue.
29
00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:53,886
Your son comes in every
day with a new excuse
30
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,288
for why he can't swim.
31
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:56,889
If my schmoops says he can't swim,
32
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,658
then he must have a legitimate reason,
33
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,159
and I fully support him.
34
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,761
So, you can vouch for your son's claim
35
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,129
that he can't get into the pool
36
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,898
because he's a C.I.A.
operative wearing a wire?
37
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,634
That's classified.
38
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,203
I think I can shed some
light on what's going on here.
39
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,804
Wow. Please do.
40
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:15,108
Your boy is self-conscious
because of his wig.
41
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,442
He doesn't wear a wig.
42
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:17,877
Well, I'm stumped.
43
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,312
But you better figure something out,
44
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:21,180
because an "F" in gym
means Adam will never
45
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,616
get to be a physical
educator later in life.
46
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,852
Oh, no.
47
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,487
He'll also have to repeat the 8th grade.
48
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,488
Oh, no!
49
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,082
Yeah, probably should've led with that.
50
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:39,465
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxxwww.addic7ed.com
51
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:47,140
It was October 14, 1980-something,
52
00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:49,609
and Erica was doing
what she did every day...
53
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,344
hanging with the cool kids.
54
00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:53,212
This one's shiny, and
this one's thermal.
55
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,147
This one's flannel.
56
00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:55,481
This one's denim.
57
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:56,683
Ooh, that's super-rare.
58
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,551
Oh... My God.
59
00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:00,420
We are smart, ambitious women,
60
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,122
and we're talking about scrunchies.
61
00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:05,525
Is this really the best
that we can do in our lives?
62
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,026
Ooh, wait. I've got something.
63
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,862
No. It's also about scrunchies.
64
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:12,765
But lately she had been finding
hanging with the cool kids
65
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,133
a little less fulfilling.
66
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:16,402
Luckily, her search for
meaning came to an end
67
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:19,305
when she saw one iconic video...
68
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,541
"We Are the World," an
epic song for charity
69
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:22,709
that brought together
70
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,911
all America's biggest music legends.
71
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:28,281
And for Erica, it was about to
give her shallow life meaning.
72
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,583
Look... Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins!
73
00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:33,653
That's the two best Kennys
in one room... unheard of.
74
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,789
You're right. If they can
make a difference, so can I.
75
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:42,595
This changes everything.
76
00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:43,863
Attention, everyone.
77
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,598
After some careful reflection,
78
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:48,167
I am devoting myself
to changing the world.
79
00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:49,569
Good for you, sweetheart.
80
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:52,038
That's very selfless and admirable.
81
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,673
Yeah, that's great. Poser.
82
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:54,640
Excuse me?
83
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,075
Oh, I was just agreeing with pops.
84
00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,176
Poser.
85
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,911
You take it back right now.
86
00:02:58,946 --> 00:02:59,712
Poser!
87
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:00,880
I am not a poser.
88
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,882
P-p-p-poser, poser, p-p-poser.
89
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:03,883
- Stop it.
- P-p-p-p-p-p...
90
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:04,684
- Stop.
- P-p-p-p...
91
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,052
Poser.
92
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,688
- Shut up!
- Back then, "poser" was the worst name
93
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:09,789
you could call someone.
94
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,457
It meant you were a fake, a phony,
95
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,960
or wearing the t-shirt of a
band you knew nothing about.
96
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:14,827
Poser.
97
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:15,995
I am not a poser.
98
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,764
Social awareness is
super-important to me.
99
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,499
I even got principal ball to start
100
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,067
a social awareness club at school.
101
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,437
Aw. It's just like when we saw
that "We Are the Earth" song.
102
00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,606
You got inspired by music? Ha!
103
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,040
I am not a poser, okay?
104
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,042
You're the one who
pretends to be a rapper
105
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,177
and a ka-ra-te master.
106
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,012
I don't pretend anything.
107
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,681
At my core, I'm a
break-dancing samurai ninja
108
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,151
who spits mad rhymes and dunks mad jams.
109
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,119
That's just a smorgasbord
of absurd things
110
00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:41,988
mashed together in one ridiculous human.
111
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,723
You want to know what's ridiculous?
112
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,925
That you think people
would actually care about
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00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,627
your dumb social awareness club,
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00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,328
especially one started by a poser.
115
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,396
You're a poser!
116
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,432
Copied my insult...
ergo, you're a poser!
117
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:53,733
Logic! Barry wins!
118
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,802
You did not! Erica wins!
119
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,670
No, he won. You copied him.
120
00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,806
It was weak, sweetheart.
121
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,041
Have a slice of pizza and be happy.
122
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:05,778
While Barry was tearing
down Erica's idea,
123
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,114
my mom was about to try to build me up.
124
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,449
Why don't we try to get the chief
125
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,850
in a good mood for a change?
126
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,653
Nell Carter looks like
she gives great hugs.
127
00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:17,056
What's going on with you?
128
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:17,957
I hate dress...
129
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,125
- No!
- Hey!
130
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:21,160
Guess who just had a
meeting with Coach Mellor.
131
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:23,596
Apparently, Adam is failing.
132
00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,731
I don't get it. You
used to love to swim.
133
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,866
But I figured it out.
134
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,733
Really?
135
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,469
Yeah. It's your bathing suit.
136
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,636
You're growing fast,
137
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,672
and it's pinching
your little coin purse.
138
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,540
That's why I got you these jams...
139
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,610
Nice roomy swim trunks for
all your bits and berries.
140
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:40,279
Go on. Model them for mama.
141
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,747
I don't want to model the jams.
142
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:42,815
Come on. They're jams.
143
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:43,983
I know they're jams.
144
00:04:44,018 --> 00:04:46,352
Well, then show us how handsome
you look in your new jams.
145
00:04:46,386 --> 00:04:47,420
I don't want the jams.
146
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,821
Come on. They're jams.
147
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:51,190
He doesn't want the damn jams!
Leave the boy alone already!
148
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:53,025
Well, someone has to address the issue
149
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,126
with his little marbles.
150
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:57,063
Nobody wants their mom
talking about their yam bag.
151
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,432
My God! The problem isn't the swimsuit.
152
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,667
It's just... I hate taking off my shirt.
153
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:02,602
Why?
154
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,804
I'm ashamed of my body. Okay?
155
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,306
You're ashamed?
156
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,709
Of this beautiful wall of deliciousness?
157
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,144
Those words make it so much worse.
158
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,713
I'm never swimming again.
159
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,849
Even if George Lucas
invited me to a pool party
160
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,886
in the swamps of
Dagobah, I'd still say no.
161
00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:23,956
I mean, I'd go and check it out.
162
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,259
How many chances do
you have to meet Yoda?
163
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,127
But I would not go into the pool.
164
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,129
My mom hoped she could save me.
165
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,565
Meanwhile, my sister
was saving the world.
166
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:33,699
What's all this about?
167
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,068
It's the first meeting of
the social awareness club.
168
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,136
Erica's dumb thing?
169
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,905
But it's packed... and with cool kids.
170
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,206
How's this possible?
171
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,942
And that's when I decided
that I had to change the world.
172
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:46,412
Wait, she's getting interviewed
by the William Penn Mirror?
173
00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:47,686
Come on... don't get all jealous
174
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:49,115
'cause your sister's making news.
175
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:52,351
And me eating 32 fish sticks
in the cafeteria isn't?
176
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,986
This is classic media bias!
177
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,256
Please tell me the paper
is writing an article about
178
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:58,925
how you're the biggest poser in school.
179
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,793
No, because I'm not a poser.
180
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:03,462
But I did tell them
that you were one, poser.
181
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,165
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy
on the P-word, huh?
182
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,600
What is this, a disco?
183
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,702
I really love my community
and want to give back,
184
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,304
but Erica won't let me.
185
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:14,407
Please! He's joining so that he
can ruin my club from the inside.
186
00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,810
You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know
187
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:21,347
that a social awareness
club discriminates.
188
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,548
What are you writing?
189
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,450
We don't discriminate.
190
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,619
Barry is welcome, of course.
191
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,588
You can quote me on that.
192
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:36,395
Okay, moving on to
our first fundraiser...
193
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,764
I was thinking that a
song could inspire people,
194
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,299
kind of like "We Are the World."
195
00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:42,168
I think that we focus on one issue
196
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:45,171
that's super-important today...
helping the people of Africa.
197
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:46,739
- Question.
- What?!
198
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:48,240
Why do you get to pick the issue?
199
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,809
Because it's the most important one.
200
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,944
To you, but what about the rainforest
201
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,913
or raising awareness for the ozone
202
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,982
or why Air Jordans are so expensive?
203
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,717
Air Jordans? That's not even a cause.
204
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,219
You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know
205
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:03,422
a social awareness club
is run by a dictator.
206
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:05,858
No, just put Barry's
ideas in your song, Erica.
207
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:08,527
Say, does anyone else have
an issue to be made aware of?
208
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,463
Perhaps my wonderful
girlfriend has a few.
209
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,697
Now that I think of it,
210
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,399
there are, like, way
too many nuclear weapons.
211
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,134
Ooh! That's a good one. Put it down.
212
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,268
Yeah, but nuclear energy
213
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,104
is cleaner than burning fossil fuels.
214
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,672
That's true. So write "yes, nukes."
215
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,374
But I just wrote down "no nukes."
216
00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:23,342
Who else has a cause? Don't be shy.
217
00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:24,977
Save the wales, bro. Gotta do it.
218
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,045
Except the killer wales.
219
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,580
They're bad, 'cause they're killers.
220
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,715
- So, I guess save some wales?
- That makes no sense.
221
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,417
Write it down! Come on! Shout it out!
222
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,785
There are no bad ideas.
223
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:33,753
- Poverty!
- Scrunchies!
224
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,087
Our town needs a Bennigan's!
225
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,263
- Spay and neuter.
- Politics.
226
00:07:36,287 --> 00:07:37,117
Acid rain.
227
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,725
As Erica was beginning to
realize she had a problem,
228
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,861
my mom was trying to solve mine.
229
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,996
What's shakin', bacon?
230
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,565
You up for a little chat
about... oh, I don't know...
231
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,101
"Star Wars," robots,
your body, video games?
232
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,103
Please, just go away.
233
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,906
Okay, not until you look
at yourself in the mirror.
234
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:54,940
Come on.
235
00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:00,312
Drink it all in.
236
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:04,050
Now say "I have a beautiful body."
237
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,685
Yeah, not gonna happen.
238
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:06,819
Oh, it will.
239
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:08,788
Look in the mirror and
tell that beautiful body
240
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,523
just how beautiful it is.
241
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:11,857
You need to leave.
242
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,292
- Say it.
- No!
243
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,494
Say "I have a beautiful body."
244
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:16,529
Never!
245
00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,364
Let me show you how it's done.
246
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,668
I like my eyes 'cause they sparkle.
247
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,938
I like my shoulders 'cause they
look good with or without pads.
248
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,542
I like my tummy 'cause
it's where I baked you.
249
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:30,910
Make it stop!
250
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,345
Wait! My little angel's a 10!
251
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,947
You are a 10!
252
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,016
You're a [Bleep] 10!
253
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,752
After that debacle, I needed
a laugh, so I turned to
254
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,555
the funniest movie about a
dancing gopher ever made...
255
00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,989
"Caddyshack."
256
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:47,093
But instead of cracking
me up, it gave me an idea.
257
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:48,761
I couldn't be expected to swim
258
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:51,597
if the pool was suddenly shut down.
259
00:08:51,631 --> 00:08:54,700
Those poor schmucks think
someone had an accident,
260
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,569
but it's just a candy bar!
261
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,270
This movie is a hoot!
262
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,208
Things are just getting
good. Where you going, kiddo?
263
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:05,344
I suddenly got a
craving for a baby Ruth.
264
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,948
At 6:49 this morning,
our faithful janitor
265
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,951
discovered a foreign object in the pool.
266
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,954
Initially, we thought the object was...
267
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,856
Organic in nature,
268
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,693
so we followed school protocol
and drained the facilities.
269
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,129
Upon closer inspection, we determined
270
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:26,766
that the floater in question
was, in fact, a candy bar.
271
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,368
Laugh it up, chuckleheads,
272
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,437
but caddyshacking a pool
is a serious offense.
273
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,340
I said no press!
274
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,541
Damn it.
275
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,443
Now this is gonna be
all over the Mirror.
276
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:38,911
My plan had worked.
277
00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:41,614
The question was, how long
could I get away with it?
278
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,384
♪ We don't want a nuclear winter ♪
279
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,853
♪ That's why we need
a nuclear freeze ♪
280
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,715
♪ I know that's confusing... ♪
281
00:09:50,015 --> 00:09:51,649
God. What the hell rhymes with "freeze"?
282
00:09:51,684 --> 00:09:53,418
Did someone say "Barry"?
283
00:09:53,452 --> 00:09:54,686
Get out!
284
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,454
Because of you, I have
to write a ridiculous song
285
00:09:56,488 --> 00:09:58,122
about every issue in the world.
286
00:09:58,357 --> 00:09:59,424
Chill, girl.
287
00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:01,826
Big Tasty's got the answer
to all your problems.
288
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:02,894
Merch.
289
00:10:02,928 --> 00:10:04,028
Go away!
290
00:10:04,063 --> 00:10:05,363
Just hear me out.
291
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,932
Songs are cute, but if you want
to start making real cheddar,
292
00:10:07,966 --> 00:10:09,067
merch is where it's at.
293
00:10:09,101 --> 00:10:10,301
Why are you still here?
294
00:10:10,335 --> 00:10:13,304
Did you know the Rolling
Stones make 93% of their money
295
00:10:13,338 --> 00:10:14,439
on t-shirts?
296
00:10:14,473 --> 00:10:16,074
And the other 22%?
297
00:10:16,108 --> 00:10:17,475
Stickers!
298
00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:18,876
Merch, baby! Merch!
299
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:20,411
I'm not doing a thing you say.
300
00:10:20,446 --> 00:10:21,479
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
301
00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:24,215
Reserve your judgment
until you see the back.
302
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,416
Are you kidding me?!
303
00:10:25,451 --> 00:10:27,452
Your merch is all about
getting you sneakers.
304
00:10:27,486 --> 00:10:28,719
Exactly!
305
00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,155
You see, at first, I thought
you were just some dumb poser,
306
00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:32,957
but then I realized your dumb poser crap
307
00:10:32,991 --> 00:10:34,392
can help get me my Air Jordans.
308
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,227
That's it! I don't care
what the principal says.
309
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,361
You're out of my club.
310
00:10:37,396 --> 00:10:38,996
- You can't do that!
- I just did.
311
00:10:39,031 --> 00:10:41,766
Oh-ho. The Mirror's gonna have
a field day with you, poser.
312
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,302
Call me "poser" all you
want. I don't care anymore.
313
00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:46,237
In fact, you are worse than a poser.
314
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,371
All you are is a joke.
315
00:10:47,406 --> 00:10:49,273
Oh, we'll see who the joke is
316
00:10:49,308 --> 00:10:52,076
once I start my own rival
social awareness club
317
00:10:52,144 --> 00:10:53,444
to raise money for barity.
318
00:10:53,479 --> 00:10:55,113
Barity? That's not a thing.
319
00:10:55,147 --> 00:10:57,949
It's a Barry charity... a barity.
320
00:10:57,983 --> 00:10:59,383
And it will crush your charity.
321
00:11:00,486 --> 00:11:01,820
Wha...
322
00:11:02,154 --> 00:11:03,421
Stop!
323
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,722
Barry!
324
00:11:04,756 --> 00:11:06,357
Stop it!
325
00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:07,859
All right, listen up.
326
00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:09,694
I figured keeping you
here hours after class
327
00:11:09,728 --> 00:11:11,295
would flush out our prankster.
328
00:11:11,330 --> 00:11:13,498
Alvin, our janitor, gave me that pun.
329
00:11:13,532 --> 00:11:15,533
If the culprit doesn't
come forward by next class,
330
00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:17,668
you will all be punished!
331
00:11:17,703 --> 00:11:19,537
But know this... I will find you.
332
00:11:19,571 --> 00:11:21,072
My time was running out,
333
00:11:21,106 --> 00:11:23,774
so my only option was
to create confusion.
334
00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,644
Whoever did this, stop being
a putz and just admit it.
335
00:11:26,678 --> 00:11:29,080
Honestly, dude, we were all
kind of thinking it was you.
336
00:11:29,114 --> 00:11:31,849
Guys, it can't be me.
That would be too obvious.
337
00:11:31,884 --> 00:11:33,851
It's always the last
person that you suspect.
338
00:11:34,586 --> 00:11:36,053
Don't nod at me.
339
00:11:36,088 --> 00:11:38,089
Everyone knows Dave
Kim's allergic to nuts.
340
00:11:38,123 --> 00:11:41,092
And how do you just happen to
know that candy bar had nuts?
341
00:11:41,126 --> 00:11:42,593
They all have nuts!
342
00:11:42,628 --> 00:11:44,195
Not Milky Way. That's nougat.
343
00:11:44,229 --> 00:11:46,097
Nougat is nuts!
344
00:11:46,131 --> 00:11:47,198
You're making that up.
345
00:11:47,232 --> 00:11:49,233
The primary ingredients in nougat are
346
00:11:49,268 --> 00:11:51,636
sugar, nuts, and egg whites.
347
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:54,572
Like a criminal mastermind,
I had created confusion,
348
00:11:54,606 --> 00:11:56,274
and it was glorious.
349
00:11:56,308 --> 00:11:59,210
But Erica was about to create
confusion of a different kind.
350
00:11:59,244 --> 00:11:59,977
Hey, Lainey.
351
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:00,878
Yeah, Erica?
352
00:12:00,913 --> 00:12:02,013
When did the Earth die?
353
00:12:02,047 --> 00:12:03,114
- Today.
- Today.
354
00:12:03,148 --> 00:12:06,317
Unless you open your
eyes and your wallets.
355
00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,785
Uno, dos, tres...
356
00:12:07,819 --> 00:12:09,120
Cuatro.
357
00:12:09,154 --> 00:12:13,457
♪ Listen up, America,
let's get socially aware ♪
358
00:12:13,492 --> 00:12:15,493
♪ Stop thinkin' about yourself ♪
359
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:18,229
♪ Your clothes, your
grades, your hair ♪
360
00:12:18,263 --> 00:12:20,364
♪ Stop the nukes and pollution ♪
361
00:12:20,399 --> 00:12:23,000
♪ Acid rain is not our friend ♪
362
00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:25,002
♪ Save the whales, the ozone ♪
363
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:28,072
♪ And we'd love to
get a Bennigan's ♪
364
00:12:28,106 --> 00:12:30,474
♪ We'll fix the world ♪
365
00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:33,110
♪ Yes, every problem ♪
366
00:12:33,145 --> 00:12:35,513
♪ There's way too
many on this list ♪
367
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,948
♪ But we will solve them ♪
368
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,885
♪ We want a two-day school week ♪
369
00:12:40,919 --> 00:12:43,187
♪ And Lando Calrissian
for president ♪
370
00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,523
♪ And relax the school's
policy on nudity ♪
371
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,625
♪ And I want a date with Erica ♪
372
00:12:47,659 --> 00:12:49,293
Geoff, stop changing the words.
373
00:12:49,328 --> 00:12:52,530
♪ No, acid rain, yes, recycling ♪
374
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:55,066
♪ But no more death penalty ♪
375
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,134
♪ Unless the guy
really deserves it ♪
376
00:12:57,169 --> 00:12:59,770
♪ Then zap him, I'd agree ♪
377
00:12:59,805 --> 00:13:01,205
♪ Or her ♪
378
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:09,880
♪ 'Cause we're for equal
rights, as well-el-el-ellllll ♪
379
00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:12,049
♪ We'll fix the world ♪
380
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,585
♪ Yes, every problem ♪
381
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,088
♪ No matter how dumb they are ♪
382
00:13:17,122 --> 00:13:19,190
♪ Yes, we will solve them ♪
383
00:13:19,224 --> 00:13:21,158
Guys. Guys, they're leaving.
384
00:13:21,193 --> 00:13:24,061
Wai... what? Wait, stop!
We have 10 more verses!
385
00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:25,263
Doughnuts!
386
00:13:25,297 --> 00:13:26,897
Charitable doughnuts for sale!
387
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,032
What the...
388
00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:30,968
Don't be shy. All
doughnuts go to barity.
389
00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:32,536
What the hell is this?
390
00:13:32,571 --> 00:13:34,705
Victory. My friend Terrance,
he works at the Wawa.
391
00:13:34,739 --> 00:13:37,141
He gave me all the day-old
doughnuts they were gonna trash.
392
00:13:37,175 --> 00:13:39,443
You people are eating garbage pastries.
393
00:13:39,478 --> 00:13:41,512
Why don't you write a
song about it, Bob Dylan?
394
00:13:41,546 --> 00:13:43,347
One glazed, please.
395
00:13:43,382 --> 00:13:46,150
This isn't a charity. It's
exchanging money for goods.
396
00:13:46,184 --> 00:13:47,351
It's a business.
397
00:13:47,386 --> 00:13:49,220
You're just jealous, 'cause
I'm changing the world
398
00:13:49,254 --> 00:13:50,354
one doughnut at a time.
399
00:13:50,389 --> 00:13:51,389
Fine. I give up.
400
00:13:51,423 --> 00:13:52,590
So you admit it.
401
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,125
You're the poser, not me.
402
00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:56,761
I just wanted to do something important,
403
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,462
but I guess you were right.
404
00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:01,565
No one cares, and no
matter how hard I try,
405
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,968
I'll never make a difference.
406
00:14:08,173 --> 00:14:09,740
Two days!
407
00:14:09,775 --> 00:14:12,310
It's been two long, swimless days,
408
00:14:12,344 --> 00:14:14,645
and our prankster still hasn't admitted
409
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,414
to caddyshacking the pool.
410
00:14:16,448 --> 00:14:18,849
Until our culprit comes forward,
411
00:14:18,884 --> 00:14:22,620
you will all run laps
every day, all period long.
412
00:14:23,989 --> 00:14:25,089
Mirsky.
413
00:14:25,123 --> 00:14:27,558
So, you're saying we run
laps instead of swimming?
414
00:14:27,592 --> 00:14:28,392
That's right.
415
00:14:28,427 --> 00:14:29,427
Nice!
416
00:14:30,329 --> 00:14:31,896
Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.
417
00:14:31,930 --> 00:14:34,098
You're telling me you'd
rather run laps indefinitely
418
00:14:34,132 --> 00:14:35,333
than get in the pool?
419
00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:36,967
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
420
00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,636
That's good.
421
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,705
Well, in that case...
422
00:14:40,739 --> 00:14:42,740
Swimming for the rest of the year!
423
00:14:42,774 --> 00:14:45,276
We can't just swim all
year. What about basketball?
424
00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:46,477
It'll be water basketball.
425
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:47,278
Dodgeball?
426
00:14:47,312 --> 00:14:48,579
Pool dodgeball.
427
00:14:48,613 --> 00:14:49,613
Crab soccer?
428
00:14:49,648 --> 00:14:51,282
You'll be on rafts.
429
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:53,150
For the love of God,
430
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:54,518
whoever did this, just admit it.
431
00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:56,887
Okay, fine. I know who did it.
432
00:14:56,922 --> 00:14:58,756
The other day after class, Adam...
433
00:15:00,492 --> 00:15:02,993
...made us realize it was Dave Kim.
434
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:03,928
What?!
435
00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:05,262
I didn't see that coming.
436
00:15:05,297 --> 00:15:07,064
Dave Kim, my office.
437
00:15:07,099 --> 00:15:09,233
It's a setup! It couldn't have been me!
438
00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:10,501
Nougat is nuts.
439
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,703
The primary ingredient is nuts.
440
00:15:12,738 --> 00:15:14,705
Maybe we're being a little hasty.
441
00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:16,073
You can't protect him now, Goldfarb.
442
00:15:16,108 --> 00:15:18,242
He made his choice.
443
00:15:18,276 --> 00:15:20,511
Not so funny now, are you, Candyman?
444
00:15:29,911 --> 00:15:32,079
"Caddyshame"?
445
00:15:32,147 --> 00:15:34,181
Dave Kim is guilty?
446
00:15:34,216 --> 00:15:35,583
I cannot believe this.
447
00:15:35,617 --> 00:15:37,918
Everybody knows Dave
Kim is allergic to nuts,
448
00:15:37,953 --> 00:15:39,520
and nougat is nuts.
449
00:15:39,554 --> 00:15:42,056
No, this has Adam written all over it.
450
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:44,558
We've watched that
movie a million times.
451
00:15:44,593 --> 00:15:47,061
No! Adam wouldn't do that.
452
00:15:47,095 --> 00:15:50,364
I solved his problems by
forcing him to love his body.
453
00:15:50,398 --> 00:15:52,666
Nobody wants to hear that sort
of thing from their mother.
454
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:53,968
Well, if that's true,
455
00:15:54,002 --> 00:15:56,437
then I suppose he needs
to hear it from his father.
456
00:15:56,471 --> 00:15:57,671
Or his grandfather.
457
00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:00,040
I'm not saying that
weird stuff to the boy.
458
00:16:00,075 --> 00:16:01,408
We keep it loose.
459
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:03,744
Murray, you need to do this!
460
00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:06,447
Now go up there and tell
him he has a beautiful body
461
00:16:06,481 --> 00:16:07,882
before he believes he doesn't.
462
00:16:09,117 --> 00:16:12,653
And so my dad set off to tell
me I had a beautiful body.
463
00:16:12,687 --> 00:16:14,889
Hey. Uh... How you doing?
464
00:16:14,923 --> 00:16:16,023
Why are you in my room?
465
00:16:16,057 --> 00:16:18,526
Just came by to say "hi" and...
466
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,927
What?
467
00:16:19,961 --> 00:16:21,328
To tell you yougotabeautifulbody.
468
00:16:21,363 --> 00:16:23,564
- What?
- You know, thatyougotabeautifulbody.
469
00:16:23,598 --> 00:16:26,767
See, y-y-you keep trailing
off, specifically at the end.
470
00:16:26,802 --> 00:16:28,636
You got a beautiful body.
471
00:16:28,670 --> 00:16:30,738
This body of yours... beautiful!
472
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,540
Don't ever tell me that again!
473
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:33,541
Deal.
474
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:34,608
But...
475
00:16:34,643 --> 00:16:36,610
Let's be truthful.
476
00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:38,612
You don't have a beautiful body.
477
00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:39,713
Thanks.
478
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,615
You're in middle school.
479
00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:44,885
Your body... it's stinky and greasy
480
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,288
and it's growing too fast.
481
00:16:47,322 --> 00:16:50,925
And when you talk,
it's... it's like a...
482
00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:53,494
A broken kazoo.
483
00:16:53,528 --> 00:16:54,662
Those days were horrible.
484
00:16:54,696 --> 00:16:56,931
I remember them. I really do.
485
00:16:56,965 --> 00:16:58,532
Since when have you had a shred
486
00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:00,334
of insecurity about your body?
487
00:17:00,368 --> 00:17:02,803
You'll go anywhere in
your tighty-whities.
488
00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:03,971
That's now.
489
00:17:04,005 --> 00:17:06,807
When I was your age, I hated my body.
490
00:17:06,842 --> 00:17:08,776
The good news is, I grew up,
491
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,678
and life beat me down so hard
492
00:17:10,712 --> 00:17:12,813
that I eventually stopped caring.
493
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:16,183
And someday, life will
crap on you so hard
494
00:17:16,218 --> 00:17:18,752
that you'll stop caring, too!
495
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:20,988
That's... oddly comforting.
496
00:17:21,022 --> 00:17:21,989
Trust me.
497
00:17:22,023 --> 00:17:23,224
Eventually, you'll realize
498
00:17:23,258 --> 00:17:25,359
it doesn't matter what
other people think.
499
00:17:25,393 --> 00:17:29,430
Thanks to my dad, I knew
I had to take a stand.
500
00:17:29,464 --> 00:17:31,232
All right, everybody, settle in.
501
00:17:31,266 --> 00:17:34,001
Gonna watch this jokester
do laps for the next hour.
502
00:17:34,035 --> 00:17:35,669
Anything you'd like to say
503
00:17:35,704 --> 00:17:38,372
before you begin your aquatic odyssey?
504
00:17:38,406 --> 00:17:40,841
I didn't do it.
505
00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:42,610
It was time to be a man
506
00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,378
and take responsibility
for what I'd done.
507
00:17:44,412 --> 00:17:45,412
Wait.
508
00:17:46,281 --> 00:17:48,849
I did it. I caddyshacked the pool.
509
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:51,118
Innocent!
510
00:17:51,152 --> 00:17:52,887
Look, this wasn't some prank.
511
00:17:52,921 --> 00:17:55,823
I did it because I hate swimming.
512
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,091
We all do.
513
00:17:57,125 --> 00:17:58,826
We dread having to wear our swimsuits
514
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:00,194
in front of each other
515
00:18:00,228 --> 00:18:02,997
because we feel super-weird
about our super-weird bodies.
516
00:18:03,031 --> 00:18:06,834
So if it's a crime to be self-conscious,
517
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,969
then I guess I'm guilty.
518
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:11,005
But just ask yourself...
519
00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:14,008
Isn't that punishment enough?
520
00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:14,909
No.
521
00:18:14,943 --> 00:18:16,343
A month's detention.
522
00:18:16,378 --> 00:18:17,378
Balls.
523
00:18:17,412 --> 00:18:19,013
As for the rest of you...
524
00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:20,114
Is he right?
525
00:18:21,223 --> 00:18:22,282
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
526
00:18:22,317 --> 00:18:23,550
All right, look.
527
00:18:23,585 --> 00:18:26,153
I know not everyone is in
peak physical condition,
528
00:18:26,187 --> 00:18:27,621
like coach.
529
00:18:27,656 --> 00:18:28,956
A lot of you got baby fat.
530
00:18:28,990 --> 00:18:31,725
Some of you are gangly,
spaghetti-armed monsters.
531
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,094
Others just look like a sack of paste.
532
00:18:34,129 --> 00:18:37,031
But if this is how you
feel, then I am willing
533
00:18:37,065 --> 00:18:39,800
to make even the worst of
you a little more comfortable.
534
00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:41,669
That's the crazy thing
about growing up...
535
00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:44,838
Help comes when you least expect it...
536
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:47,207
From the people you
expect the least from.
537
00:18:49,177 --> 00:18:50,077
What's this?
538
00:18:50,111 --> 00:18:52,012
Consider it a baritable donation
539
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,480
to your social whatever club.
540
00:18:53,515 --> 00:18:54,982
But this is your Air Jordan money.
541
00:18:55,016 --> 00:18:56,317
Why would you give this to me?
542
00:18:56,351 --> 00:18:59,053
Look, maybe you are
a poser, but so am I.
543
00:18:59,087 --> 00:19:01,889
Don't tell anyone, but I
can't dunk on Charles Barkley.
544
00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:03,557
I'm not in the Yakuza.
545
00:19:03,591 --> 00:19:05,059
And even though it looks like it,
546
00:19:05,093 --> 00:19:06,760
my body's not as cut as LL Cool J's.
547
00:19:06,795 --> 00:19:08,362
Well, your secret's safe with me.
548
00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:11,165
So, we're both posers,
and so are all our friends.
549
00:19:11,199 --> 00:19:14,601
I guess we're all just
trying to figure it out.
550
00:19:14,636 --> 00:19:16,637
But the one thing I do know...
551
00:19:16,671 --> 00:19:18,806
you will definitely make a difference.
552
00:19:20,375 --> 00:19:22,109
Thanks, Barry. Thank you.
553
00:19:22,143 --> 00:19:23,477
When we're young,
554
00:19:23,511 --> 00:19:25,412
we're all just trying
to figure out who we are.
555
00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:26,747
Donate to make a change, people.
556
00:19:26,781 --> 00:19:29,450
If it's an issue you care
about, it's on this shirt.
557
00:19:31,252 --> 00:19:34,021
And sometimes other people
see our potential before we do.
558
00:19:35,623 --> 00:19:37,358
Poopie. You like the jams.
559
00:19:37,392 --> 00:19:39,994
I thought maybe I'd
wear them to swim class.
560
00:19:40,028 --> 00:19:43,430
And even though it's scary to
not know where you're going,
561
00:19:43,465 --> 00:19:45,833
with people who love you,
you know you'll be okay.
562
00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:47,501
I made him feel beautiful.
563
00:19:47,535 --> 00:19:49,269
You sure did, Bev.
564
00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:53,841
At times, you'll struggle to
be comfortable in your own skin,
565
00:19:53,875 --> 00:19:55,376
but if you look around,
566
00:19:55,410 --> 00:19:57,745
you'll find you're in
pretty great company.
567
00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:23,795
_
568
00:20:25,932 --> 00:20:27,323
Crazy awesome news...
569
00:20:27,324 --> 00:20:29,096
My barity is back in full effect.
570
00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:30,297
Dear God.
571
00:20:30,332 --> 00:20:32,266
How do you keep making
these t-shirts so fast?
572
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,935
Mom's got iron-on
decals of all our faces.
573
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:36,270
Check mine out.
574
00:20:36,304 --> 00:20:37,271
No, take it off!
575
00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:38,606
Focus!
576
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:41,008
I wanted to let you know I
took a page out of your book,
577
00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:43,611
wrote a dope song to raise
money for a good cause.
578
00:20:43,645 --> 00:20:44,845
Kick it, JTP.
579
00:20:47,315 --> 00:20:49,650
♪ Poverty, pollution,
the world ain't fair ♪
580
00:20:49,684 --> 00:20:52,520
♪ What this planet needs
is clean water and air ♪
581
00:20:52,554 --> 00:20:54,622
- Jordans!
- Stop, stop, stop!
582
00:20:56,224 --> 00:20:57,521
That was amazing,
583
00:20:57,545 --> 00:20:59,605
and you definitely need to do
it in front of the whole school.
584
00:20:59,629 --> 00:21:01,629
Yes! Philanthropy, Barry wins.
585
00:21:01,653 --> 00:21:06,653
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxxwww.addic7ed.com
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