All language subtitles for The Goldbergs (2013) - 03x04 - I Caddyshacked the Pool.

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:02,341 Of all the indignities of middle school, 2 00:00:02,342 --> 00:00:04,840 nothing was worse than the soul-crushing humiliation 3 00:00:04,841 --> 00:00:07,373 of being forced to swim in gym class... 4 00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:10,543 All right, swimmers, let's have some fun! 5 00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:13,112 ...the sickening smell of chlorine, the thick, humid air, 6 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:15,215 having to be shirtless in front of your class 7 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,383 while you were at your most gawky and awkward. 8 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:18,685 And it was worse for the girls. 9 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,186 They would have to parade in front of us 10 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:22,555 at the most self-conscious time in their lives. 11 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,352 Please don't look at me. 12 00:00:23,376 --> 00:00:24,524 Please don't look at me. Please don't look at me! 13 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,992 Yep, you dreaded it all year 14 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,661 until, at last, it was unavoidable. 15 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,496 Or... Was it? 16 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,565 Goldfarb. No suit, again, I see. 17 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,900 What is it this time? 18 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,602 I have a contagious butt rash. 19 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,936 I hated swimming so much, 20 00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:39,072 I would try pretty much anything to get out of it. 21 00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,406 Swimming is against my religion. 22 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:41,407 I'm allergic to water. 23 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:42,575 I have an irritable bowel. 24 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,777 I got one heck of a fungus downstairs. 25 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,746 Yep, I had beaten the system. 26 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,314 Adam is failing gym class. 27 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:49,482 Or so I thought. 28 00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,951 I'd say the failing is yours, but continue. 29 00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:53,886 Your son comes in every day with a new excuse 30 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,288 for why he can't swim. 31 00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:56,889 If my schmoops says he can't swim, 32 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,658 then he must have a legitimate reason, 33 00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,159 and I fully support him. 34 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,761 So, you can vouch for your son's claim 35 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,129 that he can't get into the pool 36 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,898 because he's a C.I.A. operative wearing a wire? 37 00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,634 That's classified. 38 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,203 I think I can shed some light on what's going on here. 39 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,804 Wow. Please do. 40 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:15,108 Your boy is self-conscious because of his wig. 41 00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,442 He doesn't wear a wig. 42 00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:17,877 Well, I'm stumped. 43 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,312 But you better figure something out, 44 00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:21,180 because an "F" in gym means Adam will never 45 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,616 get to be a physical educator later in life. 46 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,852 Oh, no. 47 00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,487 He'll also have to repeat the 8th grade. 48 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,488 Oh, no! 49 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,082 Yeah, probably should've led with that. 50 00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:39,465 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 51 00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:47,140 It was October 14, 1980-something, 52 00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:49,609 and Erica was doing what she did every day... 53 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,344 hanging with the cool kids. 54 00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:53,212 This one's shiny, and this one's thermal. 55 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,147 This one's flannel. 56 00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:55,481 This one's denim. 57 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:56,683 Ooh, that's super-rare. 58 00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,551 Oh... My God. 59 00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:00,420 We are smart, ambitious women, 60 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,122 and we're talking about scrunchies. 61 00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:05,525 Is this really the best that we can do in our lives? 62 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,026 Ooh, wait. I've got something. 63 00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,862 No. It's also about scrunchies. 64 00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:12,765 But lately she had been finding hanging with the cool kids 65 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,133 a little less fulfilling. 66 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:16,402 Luckily, her search for meaning came to an end 67 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:19,305 when she saw one iconic video... 68 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,541 "We Are the World," an epic song for charity 69 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:22,709 that brought together 70 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,911 all America's biggest music legends. 71 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:28,281 And for Erica, it was about to give her shallow life meaning. 72 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,583 Look... Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins! 73 00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:33,653 That's the two best Kennys in one room... unheard of. 74 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,789 You're right. If they can make a difference, so can I. 75 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:42,595 This changes everything. 76 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:43,863 Attention, everyone. 77 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,598 After some careful reflection, 78 00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:48,167 I am devoting myself to changing the world. 79 00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:49,569 Good for you, sweetheart. 80 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:52,038 That's very selfless and admirable. 81 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,673 Yeah, that's great. Poser. 82 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:54,640 Excuse me? 83 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,075 Oh, I was just agreeing with pops. 84 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,176 Poser. 85 00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,911 You take it back right now. 86 00:02:58,946 --> 00:02:59,712 Poser! 87 00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:00,880 I am not a poser. 88 00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,882 P-p-p-poser, poser, p-p-poser. 89 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:03,883 - Stop it. - P-p-p-p-p-p... 90 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:04,684 - Stop. - P-p-p-p... 91 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,052 Poser. 92 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,688 - Shut up! - Back then, "poser" was the worst name 93 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:09,789 you could call someone. 94 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,457 It meant you were a fake, a phony, 95 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,960 or wearing the t-shirt of a band you knew nothing about. 96 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:14,827 Poser. 97 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:15,995 I am not a poser. 98 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,764 Social awareness is super-important to me. 99 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,499 I even got principal ball to start 100 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,067 a social awareness club at school. 101 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,437 Aw. It's just like when we saw that "We Are the Earth" song. 102 00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,606 You got inspired by music? Ha! 103 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,040 I am not a poser, okay? 104 00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,042 You're the one who pretends to be a rapper 105 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,177 and a ka-ra-te master. 106 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,012 I don't pretend anything. 107 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,681 At my core, I'm a break-dancing samurai ninja 108 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,151 who spits mad rhymes and dunks mad jams. 109 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,119 That's just a smorgasbord of absurd things 110 00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:41,988 mashed together in one ridiculous human. 111 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,723 You want to know what's ridiculous? 112 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,925 That you think people would actually care about 113 00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,627 your dumb social awareness club, 114 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,328 especially one started by a poser. 115 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,396 You're a poser! 116 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,432 Copied my insult... ergo, you're a poser! 117 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:53,733 Logic! Barry wins! 118 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,802 You did not! Erica wins! 119 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,670 No, he won. You copied him. 120 00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,806 It was weak, sweetheart. 121 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,041 Have a slice of pizza and be happy. 122 00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:05,778 While Barry was tearing down Erica's idea, 123 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,114 my mom was about to try to build me up. 124 00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,449 Why don't we try to get the chief 125 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,850 in a good mood for a change? 126 00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,653 Nell Carter looks like she gives great hugs. 127 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:17,056 What's going on with you? 128 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:17,957 I hate dress... 129 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,125 - No! - Hey! 130 00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:21,160 Guess who just had a meeting with Coach Mellor. 131 00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:23,596 Apparently, Adam is failing. 132 00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,731 I don't get it. You used to love to swim. 133 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,866 But I figured it out. 134 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,733 Really? 135 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,469 Yeah. It's your bathing suit. 136 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,636 You're growing fast, 137 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,672 and it's pinching your little coin purse. 138 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,540 That's why I got you these jams... 139 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,610 Nice roomy swim trunks for all your bits and berries. 140 00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:40,279 Go on. Model them for mama. 141 00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,747 I don't want to model the jams. 142 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:42,815 Come on. They're jams. 143 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:43,983 I know they're jams. 144 00:04:44,018 --> 00:04:46,352 Well, then show us how handsome you look in your new jams. 145 00:04:46,386 --> 00:04:47,420 I don't want the jams. 146 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,821 Come on. They're jams. 147 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:51,190 He doesn't want the damn jams! Leave the boy alone already! 148 00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:53,025 Well, someone has to address the issue 149 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,126 with his little marbles. 150 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:57,063 Nobody wants their mom talking about their yam bag. 151 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,432 My God! The problem isn't the swimsuit. 152 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,667 It's just... I hate taking off my shirt. 153 00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:02,602 Why? 154 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,804 I'm ashamed of my body. Okay? 155 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,306 You're ashamed? 156 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,709 Of this beautiful wall of deliciousness? 157 00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,144 Those words make it so much worse. 158 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,713 I'm never swimming again. 159 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,849 Even if George Lucas invited me to a pool party 160 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,886 in the swamps of Dagobah, I'd still say no. 161 00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:23,956 I mean, I'd go and check it out. 162 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,259 How many chances do you have to meet Yoda? 163 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,127 But I would not go into the pool. 164 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,129 My mom hoped she could save me. 165 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,565 Meanwhile, my sister was saving the world. 166 00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:33,699 What's all this about? 167 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,068 It's the first meeting of the social awareness club. 168 00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,136 Erica's dumb thing? 169 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,905 But it's packed... and with cool kids. 170 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,206 How's this possible? 171 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,942 And that's when I decided that I had to change the world. 172 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:46,412 Wait, she's getting interviewed by the William Penn Mirror? 173 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:47,686 Come on... don't get all jealous 174 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:49,115 'cause your sister's making news. 175 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:52,351 And me eating 32 fish sticks in the cafeteria isn't? 176 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,986 This is classic media bias! 177 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,256 Please tell me the paper is writing an article about 178 00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:58,925 how you're the biggest poser in school. 179 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,793 No, because I'm not a poser. 180 00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:03,462 But I did tell them that you were one, poser. 181 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,165 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy on the P-word, huh? 182 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,600 What is this, a disco? 183 00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,702 I really love my community and want to give back, 184 00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,304 but Erica won't let me. 185 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:14,407 Please! He's joining so that he can ruin my club from the inside. 186 00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,810 You know, I think the Mirror might be interested to know 187 00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:21,347 that a social awareness club discriminates. 188 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,548 What are you writing? 189 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,450 We don't discriminate. 190 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,619 Barry is welcome, of course. 191 00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,588 You can quote me on that. 192 00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:36,395 Okay, moving on to our first fundraiser... 193 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,764 I was thinking that a song could inspire people, 194 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,299 kind of like "We Are the World." 195 00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:42,168 I think that we focus on one issue 196 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:45,171 that's super-important today... helping the people of Africa. 197 00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:46,739 - Question. - What?! 198 00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:48,240 Why do you get to pick the issue? 199 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,809 Because it's the most important one. 200 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,944 To you, but what about the rainforest 201 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,913 or raising awareness for the ozone 202 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,982 or why Air Jordans are so expensive? 203 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,717 Air Jordans? That's not even a cause. 204 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,219 You know, I think the Mirror might be interested to know 205 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:03,422 a social awareness club is run by a dictator. 206 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:05,858 No, just put Barry's ideas in your song, Erica. 207 00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:08,527 Say, does anyone else have an issue to be made aware of? 208 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,463 Perhaps my wonderful girlfriend has a few. 209 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,697 Now that I think of it, 210 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,399 there are, like, way too many nuclear weapons. 211 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,134 Ooh! That's a good one. Put it down. 212 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,268 Yeah, but nuclear energy 213 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,104 is cleaner than burning fossil fuels. 214 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,672 That's true. So write "yes, nukes." 215 00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,374 But I just wrote down "no nukes." 216 00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:23,342 Who else has a cause? Don't be shy. 217 00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:24,977 Save the wales, bro. Gotta do it. 218 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,045 Except the killer wales. 219 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,580 They're bad, 'cause they're killers. 220 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,715 - So, I guess save some wales? - That makes no sense. 221 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,417 Write it down! Come on! Shout it out! 222 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,785 There are no bad ideas. 223 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:33,753 - Poverty! - Scrunchies! 224 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,087 Our town needs a Bennigan's! 225 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,263 - Spay and neuter. - Politics. 226 00:07:36,287 --> 00:07:37,117 Acid rain. 227 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,725 As Erica was beginning to realize she had a problem, 228 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,861 my mom was trying to solve mine. 229 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,996 What's shakin', bacon? 230 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,565 You up for a little chat about... oh, I don't know... 231 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,101 "Star Wars," robots, your body, video games? 232 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,103 Please, just go away. 233 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,906 Okay, not until you look at yourself in the mirror. 234 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:54,940 Come on. 235 00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:00,312 Drink it all in. 236 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:04,050 Now say "I have a beautiful body." 237 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,685 Yeah, not gonna happen. 238 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:06,819 Oh, it will. 239 00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:08,788 Look in the mirror and tell that beautiful body 240 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,523 just how beautiful it is. 241 00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:11,857 You need to leave. 242 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,292 - Say it. - No! 243 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,494 Say "I have a beautiful body." 244 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:16,529 Never! 245 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,364 Let me show you how it's done. 246 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,668 I like my eyes 'cause they sparkle. 247 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,938 I like my shoulders 'cause they look good with or without pads. 248 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,542 I like my tummy 'cause it's where I baked you. 249 00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:30,910 Make it stop! 250 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,345 Wait! My little angel's a 10! 251 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,947 You are a 10! 252 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,016 You're a [Bleep] 10! 253 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,752 After that debacle, I needed a laugh, so I turned to 254 00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,555 the funniest movie about a dancing gopher ever made... 255 00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,989 "Caddyshack." 256 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:47,093 But instead of cracking me up, it gave me an idea. 257 00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:48,761 I couldn't be expected to swim 258 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:51,597 if the pool was suddenly shut down. 259 00:08:51,631 --> 00:08:54,700 Those poor schmucks think someone had an accident, 260 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,569 but it's just a candy bar! 261 00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,270 This movie is a hoot! 262 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,208 Things are just getting good. Where you going, kiddo? 263 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:05,344 I suddenly got a craving for a baby Ruth. 264 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,948 At 6:49 this morning, our faithful janitor 265 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,951 discovered a foreign object in the pool. 266 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,954 Initially, we thought the object was... 267 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,856 Organic in nature, 268 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,693 so we followed school protocol and drained the facilities. 269 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,129 Upon closer inspection, we determined 270 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:26,766 that the floater in question was, in fact, a candy bar. 271 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,368 Laugh it up, chuckleheads, 272 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,437 but caddyshacking a pool is a serious offense. 273 00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,340 I said no press! 274 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,541 Damn it. 275 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,443 Now this is gonna be all over the Mirror. 276 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:38,911 My plan had worked. 277 00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:41,614 The question was, how long could I get away with it? 278 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,384 ♪ We don't want a nuclear winter ♪ 279 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,853 ♪ That's why we need a nuclear freeze ♪ 280 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,715 ♪ I know that's confusing... ♪ 281 00:09:50,015 --> 00:09:51,649 God. What the hell rhymes with "freeze"? 282 00:09:51,684 --> 00:09:53,418 Did someone say "Barry"? 283 00:09:53,452 --> 00:09:54,686 Get out! 284 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,454 Because of you, I have to write a ridiculous song 285 00:09:56,488 --> 00:09:58,122 about every issue in the world. 286 00:09:58,357 --> 00:09:59,424 Chill, girl. 287 00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:01,826 Big Tasty's got the answer to all your problems. 288 00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:02,894 Merch. 289 00:10:02,928 --> 00:10:04,028 Go away! 290 00:10:04,063 --> 00:10:05,363 Just hear me out. 291 00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,932 Songs are cute, but if you want to start making real cheddar, 292 00:10:07,966 --> 00:10:09,067 merch is where it's at. 293 00:10:09,101 --> 00:10:10,301 Why are you still here? 294 00:10:10,335 --> 00:10:13,304 Did you know the Rolling Stones make 93% of their money 295 00:10:13,338 --> 00:10:14,439 on t-shirts? 296 00:10:14,473 --> 00:10:16,074 And the other 22%? 297 00:10:16,108 --> 00:10:17,475 Stickers! 298 00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:18,876 Merch, baby! Merch! 299 00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:20,411 I'm not doing a thing you say. 300 00:10:20,446 --> 00:10:21,479 Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. 301 00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:24,215 Reserve your judgment until you see the back. 302 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,416 Are you kidding me?! 303 00:10:25,451 --> 00:10:27,452 Your merch is all about getting you sneakers. 304 00:10:27,486 --> 00:10:28,719 Exactly! 305 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,155 You see, at first, I thought you were just some dumb poser, 306 00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:32,957 but then I realized your dumb poser crap 307 00:10:32,991 --> 00:10:34,392 can help get me my Air Jordans. 308 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,227 That's it! I don't care what the principal says. 309 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,361 You're out of my club. 310 00:10:37,396 --> 00:10:38,996 - You can't do that! - I just did. 311 00:10:39,031 --> 00:10:41,766 Oh-ho. The Mirror's gonna have a field day with you, poser. 312 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,302 Call me "poser" all you want. I don't care anymore. 313 00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:46,237 In fact, you are worse than a poser. 314 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,371 All you are is a joke. 315 00:10:47,406 --> 00:10:49,273 Oh, we'll see who the joke is 316 00:10:49,308 --> 00:10:52,076 once I start my own rival social awareness club 317 00:10:52,144 --> 00:10:53,444 to raise money for barity. 318 00:10:53,479 --> 00:10:55,113 Barity? That's not a thing. 319 00:10:55,147 --> 00:10:57,949 It's a Barry charity... a barity. 320 00:10:57,983 --> 00:10:59,383 And it will crush your charity. 321 00:11:00,486 --> 00:11:01,820 Wha... 322 00:11:02,154 --> 00:11:03,421 Stop! 323 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,722 Barry! 324 00:11:04,756 --> 00:11:06,357 Stop it! 325 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:07,859 All right, listen up. 326 00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:09,694 I figured keeping you here hours after class 327 00:11:09,728 --> 00:11:11,295 would flush out our prankster. 328 00:11:11,330 --> 00:11:13,498 Alvin, our janitor, gave me that pun. 329 00:11:13,532 --> 00:11:15,533 If the culprit doesn't come forward by next class, 330 00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:17,668 you will all be punished! 331 00:11:17,703 --> 00:11:19,537 But know this... I will find you. 332 00:11:19,571 --> 00:11:21,072 My time was running out, 333 00:11:21,106 --> 00:11:23,774 so my only option was to create confusion. 334 00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,644 Whoever did this, stop being a putz and just admit it. 335 00:11:26,678 --> 00:11:29,080 Honestly, dude, we were all kind of thinking it was you. 336 00:11:29,114 --> 00:11:31,849 Guys, it can't be me. That would be too obvious. 337 00:11:31,884 --> 00:11:33,851 It's always the last person that you suspect. 338 00:11:34,586 --> 00:11:36,053 Don't nod at me. 339 00:11:36,088 --> 00:11:38,089 Everyone knows Dave Kim's allergic to nuts. 340 00:11:38,123 --> 00:11:41,092 And how do you just happen to know that candy bar had nuts? 341 00:11:41,126 --> 00:11:42,593 They all have nuts! 342 00:11:42,628 --> 00:11:44,195 Not Milky Way. That's nougat. 343 00:11:44,229 --> 00:11:46,097 Nougat is nuts! 344 00:11:46,131 --> 00:11:47,198 You're making that up. 345 00:11:47,232 --> 00:11:49,233 The primary ingredients in nougat are 346 00:11:49,268 --> 00:11:51,636 sugar, nuts, and egg whites. 347 00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:54,572 Like a criminal mastermind, I had created confusion, 348 00:11:54,606 --> 00:11:56,274 and it was glorious. 349 00:11:56,308 --> 00:11:59,210 But Erica was about to create confusion of a different kind. 350 00:11:59,244 --> 00:11:59,977 Hey, Lainey. 351 00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:00,878 Yeah, Erica? 352 00:12:00,913 --> 00:12:02,013 When did the Earth die? 353 00:12:02,047 --> 00:12:03,114 - Today. - Today. 354 00:12:03,148 --> 00:12:06,317 Unless you open your eyes and your wallets. 355 00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,785 Uno, dos, tres... 356 00:12:07,819 --> 00:12:09,120 Cuatro. 357 00:12:09,154 --> 00:12:13,457 ♪ Listen up, America, let's get socially aware ♪ 358 00:12:13,492 --> 00:12:15,493 ♪ Stop thinkin' about yourself ♪ 359 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:18,229 ♪ Your clothes, your grades, your hair ♪ 360 00:12:18,263 --> 00:12:20,364 ♪ Stop the nukes and pollution ♪ 361 00:12:20,399 --> 00:12:23,000 ♪ Acid rain is not our friend ♪ 362 00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:25,002 ♪ Save the whales, the ozone ♪ 363 00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:28,072 ♪ And we'd love to get a Bennigan's ♪ 364 00:12:28,106 --> 00:12:30,474 ♪ We'll fix the world ♪ 365 00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:33,110 ♪ Yes, every problem ♪ 366 00:12:33,145 --> 00:12:35,513 ♪ There's way too many on this list ♪ 367 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,948 ♪ But we will solve them ♪ 368 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,885 ♪ We want a two-day school week ♪ 369 00:12:40,919 --> 00:12:43,187 ♪ And Lando Calrissian for president ♪ 370 00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,523 ♪ And relax the school's policy on nudity ♪ 371 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,625 ♪ And I want a date with Erica ♪ 372 00:12:47,659 --> 00:12:49,293 Geoff, stop changing the words. 373 00:12:49,328 --> 00:12:52,530 ♪ No, acid rain, yes, recycling ♪ 374 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:55,066 ♪ But no more death penalty ♪ 375 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,134 ♪ Unless the guy really deserves it ♪ 376 00:12:57,169 --> 00:12:59,770 ♪ Then zap him, I'd agree ♪ 377 00:12:59,805 --> 00:13:01,205 ♪ Or her ♪ 378 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:09,880 ♪ 'Cause we're for equal rights, as well-el-el-ellllll ♪ 379 00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:12,049 ♪ We'll fix the world ♪ 380 00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,585 ♪ Yes, every problem ♪ 381 00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,088 ♪ No matter how dumb they are ♪ 382 00:13:17,122 --> 00:13:19,190 ♪ Yes, we will solve them ♪ 383 00:13:19,224 --> 00:13:21,158 Guys. Guys, they're leaving. 384 00:13:21,193 --> 00:13:24,061 Wai... what? Wait, stop! We have 10 more verses! 385 00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:25,263 Doughnuts! 386 00:13:25,297 --> 00:13:26,897 Charitable doughnuts for sale! 387 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,032 What the... 388 00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:30,968 Don't be shy. All doughnuts go to barity. 389 00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:32,536 What the hell is this? 390 00:13:32,571 --> 00:13:34,705 Victory. My friend Terrance, he works at the Wawa. 391 00:13:34,739 --> 00:13:37,141 He gave me all the day-old doughnuts they were gonna trash. 392 00:13:37,175 --> 00:13:39,443 You people are eating garbage pastries. 393 00:13:39,478 --> 00:13:41,512 Why don't you write a song about it, Bob Dylan? 394 00:13:41,546 --> 00:13:43,347 One glazed, please. 395 00:13:43,382 --> 00:13:46,150 This isn't a charity. It's exchanging money for goods. 396 00:13:46,184 --> 00:13:47,351 It's a business. 397 00:13:47,386 --> 00:13:49,220 You're just jealous, 'cause I'm changing the world 398 00:13:49,254 --> 00:13:50,354 one doughnut at a time. 399 00:13:50,389 --> 00:13:51,389 Fine. I give up. 400 00:13:51,423 --> 00:13:52,590 So you admit it. 401 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,125 You're the poser, not me. 402 00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:56,761 I just wanted to do something important, 403 00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,462 but I guess you were right. 404 00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:01,565 No one cares, and no matter how hard I try, 405 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,968 I'll never make a difference. 406 00:14:08,173 --> 00:14:09,740 Two days! 407 00:14:09,775 --> 00:14:12,310 It's been two long, swimless days, 408 00:14:12,344 --> 00:14:14,645 and our prankster still hasn't admitted 409 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,414 to caddyshacking the pool. 410 00:14:16,448 --> 00:14:18,849 Until our culprit comes forward, 411 00:14:18,884 --> 00:14:22,620 you will all run laps every day, all period long. 412 00:14:23,989 --> 00:14:25,089 Mirsky. 413 00:14:25,123 --> 00:14:27,558 So, you're saying we run laps instead of swimming? 414 00:14:27,592 --> 00:14:28,392 That's right. 415 00:14:28,427 --> 00:14:29,427 Nice! 416 00:14:30,329 --> 00:14:31,896 Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop. 417 00:14:31,930 --> 00:14:34,098 You're telling me you'd rather run laps indefinitely 418 00:14:34,132 --> 00:14:35,333 than get in the pool? 419 00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:36,967 - Yeah. - Yeah. 420 00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,636 That's good. 421 00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,705 Well, in that case... 422 00:14:40,739 --> 00:14:42,740 Swimming for the rest of the year! 423 00:14:42,774 --> 00:14:45,276 We can't just swim all year. What about basketball? 424 00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:46,477 It'll be water basketball. 425 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:47,278 Dodgeball? 426 00:14:47,312 --> 00:14:48,579 Pool dodgeball. 427 00:14:48,613 --> 00:14:49,613 Crab soccer? 428 00:14:49,648 --> 00:14:51,282 You'll be on rafts. 429 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:53,150 For the love of God, 430 00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:54,518 whoever did this, just admit it. 431 00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:56,887 Okay, fine. I know who did it. 432 00:14:56,922 --> 00:14:58,756 The other day after class, Adam... 433 00:15:00,492 --> 00:15:02,993 ...made us realize it was Dave Kim. 434 00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:03,928 What?! 435 00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:05,262 I didn't see that coming. 436 00:15:05,297 --> 00:15:07,064 Dave Kim, my office. 437 00:15:07,099 --> 00:15:09,233 It's a setup! It couldn't have been me! 438 00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:10,501 Nougat is nuts. 439 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,703 The primary ingredient is nuts. 440 00:15:12,738 --> 00:15:14,705 Maybe we're being a little hasty. 441 00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:16,073 You can't protect him now, Goldfarb. 442 00:15:16,108 --> 00:15:18,242 He made his choice. 443 00:15:18,276 --> 00:15:20,511 Not so funny now, are you, Candyman? 444 00:15:29,911 --> 00:15:32,079 "Caddyshame"? 445 00:15:32,147 --> 00:15:34,181 Dave Kim is guilty? 446 00:15:34,216 --> 00:15:35,583 I cannot believe this. 447 00:15:35,617 --> 00:15:37,918 Everybody knows Dave Kim is allergic to nuts, 448 00:15:37,953 --> 00:15:39,520 and nougat is nuts. 449 00:15:39,554 --> 00:15:42,056 No, this has Adam written all over it. 450 00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:44,558 We've watched that movie a million times. 451 00:15:44,593 --> 00:15:47,061 No! Adam wouldn't do that. 452 00:15:47,095 --> 00:15:50,364 I solved his problems by forcing him to love his body. 453 00:15:50,398 --> 00:15:52,666 Nobody wants to hear that sort of thing from their mother. 454 00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:53,968 Well, if that's true, 455 00:15:54,002 --> 00:15:56,437 then I suppose he needs to hear it from his father. 456 00:15:56,471 --> 00:15:57,671 Or his grandfather. 457 00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:00,040 I'm not saying that weird stuff to the boy. 458 00:16:00,075 --> 00:16:01,408 We keep it loose. 459 00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:03,744 Murray, you need to do this! 460 00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:06,447 Now go up there and tell him he has a beautiful body 461 00:16:06,481 --> 00:16:07,882 before he believes he doesn't. 462 00:16:09,117 --> 00:16:12,653 And so my dad set off to tell me I had a beautiful body. 463 00:16:12,687 --> 00:16:14,889 Hey. Uh... How you doing? 464 00:16:14,923 --> 00:16:16,023 Why are you in my room? 465 00:16:16,057 --> 00:16:18,526 Just came by to say "hi" and... 466 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,927 What? 467 00:16:19,961 --> 00:16:21,328 To tell you yougotabeautifulbody. 468 00:16:21,363 --> 00:16:23,564 - What? - You know, thatyougotabeautifulbody. 469 00:16:23,598 --> 00:16:26,767 See, y-y-you keep trailing off, specifically at the end. 470 00:16:26,802 --> 00:16:28,636 You got a beautiful body. 471 00:16:28,670 --> 00:16:30,738 This body of yours... beautiful! 472 00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,540 Don't ever tell me that again! 473 00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:33,541 Deal. 474 00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:34,608 But... 475 00:16:34,643 --> 00:16:36,610 Let's be truthful. 476 00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:38,612 You don't have a beautiful body. 477 00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:39,713 Thanks. 478 00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,615 You're in middle school. 479 00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:44,885 Your body... it's stinky and greasy 480 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,288 and it's growing too fast. 481 00:16:47,322 --> 00:16:50,925 And when you talk, it's... it's like a... 482 00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:53,494 A broken kazoo. 483 00:16:53,528 --> 00:16:54,662 Those days were horrible. 484 00:16:54,696 --> 00:16:56,931 I remember them. I really do. 485 00:16:56,965 --> 00:16:58,532 Since when have you had a shred 486 00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:00,334 of insecurity about your body? 487 00:17:00,368 --> 00:17:02,803 You'll go anywhere in your tighty-whities. 488 00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:03,971 That's now. 489 00:17:04,005 --> 00:17:06,807 When I was your age, I hated my body. 490 00:17:06,842 --> 00:17:08,776 The good news is, I grew up, 491 00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,678 and life beat me down so hard 492 00:17:10,712 --> 00:17:12,813 that I eventually stopped caring. 493 00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:16,183 And someday, life will crap on you so hard 494 00:17:16,218 --> 00:17:18,752 that you'll stop caring, too! 495 00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:20,988 That's... oddly comforting. 496 00:17:21,022 --> 00:17:21,989 Trust me. 497 00:17:22,023 --> 00:17:23,224 Eventually, you'll realize 498 00:17:23,258 --> 00:17:25,359 it doesn't matter what other people think. 499 00:17:25,393 --> 00:17:29,430 Thanks to my dad, I knew I had to take a stand. 500 00:17:29,464 --> 00:17:31,232 All right, everybody, settle in. 501 00:17:31,266 --> 00:17:34,001 Gonna watch this jokester do laps for the next hour. 502 00:17:34,035 --> 00:17:35,669 Anything you'd like to say 503 00:17:35,704 --> 00:17:38,372 before you begin your aquatic odyssey? 504 00:17:38,406 --> 00:17:40,841 I didn't do it. 505 00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:42,610 It was time to be a man 506 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,378 and take responsibility for what I'd done. 507 00:17:44,412 --> 00:17:45,412 Wait. 508 00:17:46,281 --> 00:17:48,849 I did it. I caddyshacked the pool. 509 00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:51,118 Innocent! 510 00:17:51,152 --> 00:17:52,887 Look, this wasn't some prank. 511 00:17:52,921 --> 00:17:55,823 I did it because I hate swimming. 512 00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,091 We all do. 513 00:17:57,125 --> 00:17:58,826 We dread having to wear our swimsuits 514 00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:00,194 in front of each other 515 00:18:00,228 --> 00:18:02,997 because we feel super-weird about our super-weird bodies. 516 00:18:03,031 --> 00:18:06,834 So if it's a crime to be self-conscious, 517 00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,969 then I guess I'm guilty. 518 00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:11,005 But just ask yourself... 519 00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:14,008 Isn't that punishment enough? 520 00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:14,909 No. 521 00:18:14,943 --> 00:18:16,343 A month's detention. 522 00:18:16,378 --> 00:18:17,378 Balls. 523 00:18:17,412 --> 00:18:19,013 As for the rest of you... 524 00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:20,114 Is he right? 525 00:18:21,223 --> 00:18:22,282 - Yeah. - Yeah. 526 00:18:22,317 --> 00:18:23,550 All right, look. 527 00:18:23,585 --> 00:18:26,153 I know not everyone is in peak physical condition, 528 00:18:26,187 --> 00:18:27,621 like coach. 529 00:18:27,656 --> 00:18:28,956 A lot of you got baby fat. 530 00:18:28,990 --> 00:18:31,725 Some of you are gangly, spaghetti-armed monsters. 531 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,094 Others just look like a sack of paste. 532 00:18:34,129 --> 00:18:37,031 But if this is how you feel, then I am willing 533 00:18:37,065 --> 00:18:39,800 to make even the worst of you a little more comfortable. 534 00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:41,669 That's the crazy thing about growing up... 535 00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:44,838 Help comes when you least expect it... 536 00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:47,207 From the people you expect the least from. 537 00:18:49,177 --> 00:18:50,077 What's this? 538 00:18:50,111 --> 00:18:52,012 Consider it a baritable donation 539 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,480 to your social whatever club. 540 00:18:53,515 --> 00:18:54,982 But this is your Air Jordan money. 541 00:18:55,016 --> 00:18:56,317 Why would you give this to me? 542 00:18:56,351 --> 00:18:59,053 Look, maybe you are a poser, but so am I. 543 00:18:59,087 --> 00:19:01,889 Don't tell anyone, but I can't dunk on Charles Barkley. 544 00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:03,557 I'm not in the Yakuza. 545 00:19:03,591 --> 00:19:05,059 And even though it looks like it, 546 00:19:05,093 --> 00:19:06,760 my body's not as cut as LL Cool J's. 547 00:19:06,795 --> 00:19:08,362 Well, your secret's safe with me. 548 00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:11,165 So, we're both posers, and so are all our friends. 549 00:19:11,199 --> 00:19:14,601 I guess we're all just trying to figure it out. 550 00:19:14,636 --> 00:19:16,637 But the one thing I do know... 551 00:19:16,671 --> 00:19:18,806 you will definitely make a difference. 552 00:19:20,375 --> 00:19:22,109 Thanks, Barry. Thank you. 553 00:19:22,143 --> 00:19:23,477 When we're young, 554 00:19:23,511 --> 00:19:25,412 we're all just trying to figure out who we are. 555 00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:26,747 Donate to make a change, people. 556 00:19:26,781 --> 00:19:29,450 If it's an issue you care about, it's on this shirt. 557 00:19:31,252 --> 00:19:34,021 And sometimes other people see our potential before we do. 558 00:19:35,623 --> 00:19:37,358 Poopie. You like the jams. 559 00:19:37,392 --> 00:19:39,994 I thought maybe I'd wear them to swim class. 560 00:19:40,028 --> 00:19:43,430 And even though it's scary to not know where you're going, 561 00:19:43,465 --> 00:19:45,833 with people who love you, you know you'll be okay. 562 00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:47,501 I made him feel beautiful. 563 00:19:47,535 --> 00:19:49,269 You sure did, Bev. 564 00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:53,841 At times, you'll struggle to be comfortable in your own skin, 565 00:19:53,875 --> 00:19:55,376 but if you look around, 566 00:19:55,410 --> 00:19:57,745 you'll find you're in pretty great company. 567 00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:23,795 _ 568 00:20:25,932 --> 00:20:27,323 Crazy awesome news... 569 00:20:27,324 --> 00:20:29,096 My barity is back in full effect. 570 00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:30,297 Dear God. 571 00:20:30,332 --> 00:20:32,266 How do you keep making these t-shirts so fast? 572 00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,935 Mom's got iron-on decals of all our faces. 573 00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:36,270 Check mine out. 574 00:20:36,304 --> 00:20:37,271 No, take it off! 575 00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:38,606 Focus! 576 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:41,008 I wanted to let you know I took a page out of your book, 577 00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:43,611 wrote a dope song to raise money for a good cause. 578 00:20:43,645 --> 00:20:44,845 Kick it, JTP. 579 00:20:47,315 --> 00:20:49,650 ♪ Poverty, pollution, the world ain't fair ♪ 580 00:20:49,684 --> 00:20:52,520 ♪ What this planet needs is clean water and air ♪ 581 00:20:52,554 --> 00:20:54,622 - Jordans! - Stop, stop, stop! 582 00:20:56,224 --> 00:20:57,521 That was amazing, 583 00:20:57,545 --> 00:20:59,605 and you definitely need to do it in front of the whole school. 584 00:20:59,629 --> 00:21:01,629 Yes! Philanthropy, Barry wins. 585 00:21:01,653 --> 00:21:06,653 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 42451

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