Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:59,480
Ladies and gentlemen !
2
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,880
Eddie Murphy!
3
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:50,640
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Two times, far two times.
4
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:57,120
Before I even get started how about
a big round of applause for the Bus Boys.
5
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:16,280
There's some rules, I got some rules when I show
down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit.
6
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,800
Faggots aren't allowed to look
at my ass while I'm on stage !
7
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,462
That's why I keep moving while I'm up here.
8
00:04:28,725 --> 00:04:32,703
You don't know where the faggot section is,
you gotta keep movin'.
9
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:38,640
So if they do see it, quick, you switch,
they don't get no long stares at your shit...
10
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,400
...so that their imagination is flowing about my...
11
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,800
I know when you're looking,
'cos my ass starts to get hot.
12
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:50,560
I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified.
I have nightmares about gay people.
13
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:56,560
I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood
and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.
14
00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:02,760
Really, and he'd be walking up to people going:
"Hey, boy ! Hey, boy !"
15
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:07,600
"You look mighty cute in them jeans !"
16
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:18,360
"Now come on over here,
and fuck me up the ass !"
17
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,800
"I'm gonna bend over now !"
18
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:35,160
"Hey, boy, slow down ! You're gonna miss
the round, and come too fast !"
19
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:39,800
"You make me get get mad I clench up
my buttcheeks and rip your dick of !"
20
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:49,800
You know who would be a funny faggot?
Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!
21
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:57,600
Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and:
"Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!"
22
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,320
"Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine ?"
23
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:06,000
"You know Norton, I've been watching you.
24
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:12,400
And I know you've been watching me.
You watch me! I know!"
25
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,040
"So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"
26
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:20,320
"Norton, my friend!
How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
27
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,320
"I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"
28
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,800
"And you know that I know that you know
that I know that you wanna fuck me!"
29
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:34,360
"Now I'm gonna bend over,
and when I do, start fuckin'!"
30
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,960
"Here I go !"
31
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,800
"Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"
32
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,960
I kid the homosexuals a lot,
'cos they're homosexuals.
33
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:05,280
I fuck with everybody. I don't give a fuck if they're...
Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it.
34
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:06,760
You can hang out with a gay person.
35
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:11,160
Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated,
like, gay people, 'cos they're gay.
36
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:14,400
You can play tennis with a gay person.
Really !
37
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,960
Just after the game you say:
"I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do ?"
38
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,400
"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick."
"Well, I'll see you later!"
39
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,320
"You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer."
40
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,000
Ladies are hip to it too.
Ladies be hanging out with gay people.
41
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,480
Ladies say:
"Gay men are the best friends I have !"
42
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,400
"'cos they don't want anything from you, you
don't want anything from them, you just hang out,
43
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,040
you can be with them and get fun and just talk to
them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them.
44
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,758
You know what's really scary about it?
That new AIDS shit.
45
00:07:42,759 --> 00:07:45,955
AIDS is scary 'cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!
46
00:07:46,504 --> 00:07:50,356
That ain't like the good ol' days
when venereal disease was simple.
47
00:07:50,696 --> 00:07:55,368
In the good old days, you got gonorhea,
you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up.
48
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:59,400
Then they came out with herpes,
you keep that shit forever like luggage.
49
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,320
And now they got AIDS,
that just kills motherfuckers.
50
00:08:07,393 --> 00:08:12,160
I say what's next, I guess you just
put your dick in it and explodes !
51
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,120
And the girl would be on the bed:
"Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."
52
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,520
Kills people ! It petrifies me 'cos
girls be hanging out with them.
53
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,600
One night they could be in the club having
fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss.
54
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,560
And go home with AIDS on their lips !
55
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,480
And then when her husband, like five years later.
56
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:46,040
"AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"
57
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,640
"Sure you're not homosexual..."
58
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:57,480
All the diseases scare me 'cos I'm like these...
these are fuck years for me, like I'm...
59
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,880
I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now !
60
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,760
These are the years to fuck !
This is when you do your best fucking.
61
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:13,440
And you just start to learn your body
and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...
62
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,440
Like 18 year olds, let me hear you
all in the audience !
63
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,000
See y'all don't know how to fuck yet, see.
64
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,744
You get 22. You start movin' all this shit.
65
00:09:32,337 --> 00:09:35,368
Makin' faces, ever made them fuck faces
its a cool motherfucking thing.
66
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,400
You don't do that when you're 18. There's just 1
expression 'cos you be surprised you fuckin'.
67
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,320
Plus you don't have
no dick control when you're 18 !
68
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:59,520
Ever been sitting around when you was young man,
just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing ?
69
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:04,000
You be just sitting there and your
dick's here: "What's going on out there?"
70
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,760
That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy,
would you come over by the board?"
71
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:14,880
"No, that's allright.
I'll take the zero."
72
00:10:16,226 --> 00:10:17,586
Really, no dick control at all.
73
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,667
It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18.
74
00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:22,542
Ever had that guys? You'd be
searching for the pussy down there.
75
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:28,920
And your dick be sliding down and shit,
and the girl be going: "That's not it..."
76
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,880
"Is there any problem ?"
"No, ain't no problem, baby."
77
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,320
"You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?"
78
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:53,040
And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy.
That's why I got in show bussiness, for pussy.
79
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,880
I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck,
I'm fucking everybody.
80
00:11:02,148 --> 00:11:03,326
And it's like that too.
81
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:07,360
When you do TV-shows, women would be
throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbee.
82
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,800
"Ed !"
"Thank you ! Appreciate that !"
83
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,200
Too much pussy, pussy would be
falling outta my pocket.
84
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:26,720
Walking out the street, you say:
"Oh, watch your step, that's mine."
85
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:39,600
Being a comic though ain't like being no singer.
The singers get all the pussy.
86
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:47,000
Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody.
Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves.
87
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,280
Come to my house the fish stop swimming.
They don't play.
88
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,400
Singers gets pussy. 'cos you don't have to,
89
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,160
even you don't have to look good,
you can sing and get pussy.
90
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,760
Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol
is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker.
91
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,640
'cos all you have to do is sing, its somethin bout singing,
that is the business, you sing, women go crazy.
92
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,920
Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker !
93
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,120
With big ass lips !
94
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:25,440
Mick Jagger's lips are so big black people be going:
"You got some big ass lips !"
95
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,520
"These are big motherfucking lips !"
96
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,960
But he's singing !
If you sing you'll get over.
97
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,400
Luther Vandross is a big
Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.
98
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,720
But he put that shit up like....
And women go:
99
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,440
Sing ! 'cos all you got to do is sing.
100
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,720
Michael Jackson, who can sing,
and is a good looking guy.
101
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:58,120
But ain't the most masculine fellow
in the world.
102
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,240
That's Michael's hook, his sensivity !
103
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,600
That's when women be sayin:
"Michael's just so sensitive..."
104
00:13:10,814 --> 00:13:11,994
And they eat that shit up. Mike knows.
105
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:16,480
He be using women. I've seen Mike walk up to a
girl and they'd be in the audience and say:
106
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,480
"Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you..."
107
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:26,360
And women go: "Whaaaaa !"
108
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,760
Then, if you don't scream, Michael
gets really sensitive and cries on your ass.
109
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,400
Ever hear that record "She's out of my life" ?
110
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,400
"Tito, give me some tissues."
111
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,600
"Jermaine, stop teasing."
112
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:35,600
You just sing ! I like dudes with masculine voices,
you know, like Teddy Pendergrass.
113
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,640
Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and:
114
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,000
And scare the bitches that are liking him.
115
00:14:45,744 --> 00:14:49,155
That motherfucker's crazy,
throw your panties on the stage.
116
00:14:49,282 --> 00:14:52,129
That's whats happening. I like Elvis Presley !
117
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:58,160
Really I give credit where credit is due. When
Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker.
118
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:05,800
He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so
good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act.
119
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,640
They said:
"Fuck it ! Let him sing all his dialogues !"
120
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,200
"Elvis, we got to win this race!"
"We got to win this race...."
121
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:21,360
"Elvis, want some lemonade?"
"Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink...."
122
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,400
Let him sing 'till he was older too,
Elvis was 42 years old.
123
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:32,400
He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit
...and his butt be sticking out and shit...
124
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:37,200
looking like he had to shit, out
walking on the stage like this...
125
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,000
"Excuse me."
126
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:20,720
Sing ! That's the key to it.
You don't even have to be able to talk.
127
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:26,720
Just sing and get famous.
James Brown's been singing for 20 years.
128
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,600
I don't know what the fuck
James is talkin' about !
129
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,080
I don't understand shit James says !
130
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,080
I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him
and said "James, I luv your stuff".
131
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:50,400
And whatever James is saying
is some really heavy shit to James.
132
00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,400
'cos at the end of every sentence
he ended up with:
133
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,200
He meant that shit that he just said !
134
00:16:59,891 --> 00:17:03,234
And you getting mad you start putting the needle
back "What the fuck did I just miss?"
135
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:16,320
That's a James Brown lyric.
He wrote that shit !
136
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,920
He's writing a song and:
"I need a word in here: Heaay !"
137
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,800
"That's good !"
138
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,040
Band be going:
"What the fuck is James talking about?"
139
00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:29,041
I don't know but we're getting paid,
keep singing.
140
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:42,540
And people take singers. There's something about
singers that people just love and shit.
141
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,840
'Cos I... I did Stevie Wonder on a show once.
142
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,320
And black people lost their motherfucking minds !
143
00:18:53,378 --> 00:18:54,674
I have brothers rawling up on me going:
144
00:18:54,821 --> 00:18:57,726
"Hey ! You the motherfucker that'd
been doing Stevie Wonder?"
145
00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:00,880
"That shit ain't funny, motherfucker !"
146
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:07,320
"Don't you never let me see you do
that shit again ! I'll fuck you up !"
147
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,120
"Stevie Wonder is a musical genius !"
148
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:23,120
That's terrible ! That's terrible, man !
Your mother brought you up wrong.
149
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,873
I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie
two months ago, I said:
150
00:19:27,022 --> 00:19:29,564
"Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression."
151
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:33,000
"I don't like doin', I ain't doing this shit no more."
Stevie says: "Well I feel that..."
152
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,320
"Shut the fuck up !"
153
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,840
'Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick,
'cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off.
154
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:44,240
You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up
to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches ?
155
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:51,000
"And the winner is Stevie Wonder !"
156
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:58,160
'...God's chosen and..."
"Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out !"
157
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:03,520
'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling
and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank..."
158
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,580
I've been in the car and said:
"Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"
159
00:20:06,690 --> 00:20:09,840
I'm telling you, genius and all that shit,
but you're my boy, man, we hang and,
160
00:20:09,865 --> 00:20:13,189
I mean, like, it's nice and shit but
I don't appreciate all the flack.
161
00:20:13,369 --> 00:20:16,205
And personally, the piano and the singing,
I told you how I feel about singing...
162
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,624
"...I ain't impressed."
163
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,600
"You wanna impress me?
Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker !"
164
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:31,000
"I heard that shit, man !"
"That shit wasn't funny !"
165
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,055
Then I suppose in your little sketch
Stevie crashed in a tree, right?
166
00:20:34,231 --> 00:20:36,815
"Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker !"
167
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,800
"Your mother got a wooden leg
with a kick stand, motherfucker !"
168
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,800
"Your mother got a mouth in the back
of her neck and the bitch chews like this !"
169
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,320
"Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit !"
170
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,840
It's hot as fuck in here !
171
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,000
"Take it off !"
172
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:19,440
No, I can't take it off. Maybe ladies would run up
the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah !"
173
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:24,040
What's going on over there ?
Ladies run down the street and... can't do that.
174
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,320
Do we have the icecream man around here ?
175
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,160
Remember when the icecream man
used to come to town when you was little ?
176
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,600
And no matter what you was doing
you would stop and lose your fucking mind !
177
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,000
There's something about the icecream
truck that makes kids lose it.
178
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:47,400
And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away.
They don't hear their mothers calling
179
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,520
but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.
180
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,720
And no matter what was was going on, the iceman
came, it stopped. You be gettin' some marbles and shit:
181
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:08,920
"Icecream ! Icecream ! The icecream man is coming !
The icecream man is coming !"
182
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:17,400
"Mom ! Mom !"
"Throw down some money !"
183
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,440
"The icecream man is coming !"
184
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:28,000
Then your mother come to the window
and be throwing change and say:
185
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,920
and bring back my change.
186
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,720
Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed.
187
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,800
Chasing icecream truck and:
"Icecream !"
188
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,400
Icecream man always drove extra blocks away.
And I know he's seen us and shit,
189
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:47,400
but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:
"Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run"
190
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:54,640
You'd be behind him doing 50 and
going: "Icecream !"
191
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,760
"Thank you, icecream man ! Thank you !"
192
00:23:06,214 --> 00:23:10,126
I'd get my icecream and I didn't eat it
just sing for a little while.
193
00:23:10,161 --> 00:23:11,917
You know how kids are.
194
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:25,400
"I have some icecream, I have some icecream,
and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all..."
195
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:38,800
The icecream be running down your arm and shit
196
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:52,240
"You don't have no icecream!
You didn't get none ! You didn't get none !
197
00:23:52,600 --> 00:24:03,280
"'cos you are under wellfare, you can't afford it."
198
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:11,920
Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it,
and his father is an alcoholic !"
199
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:40,920
"You dropped your icecream,
you dropped your icecream..."
200
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:04,480
Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile
of shit and eat it. I would be like "It's just sprinkles"
201
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,926
Unless your mother catch you doin'
that nasty shit, though.
202
00:25:08,339 --> 00:25:10,659
My mother caught me doing that,
she made me put it down in 1 sentence:
203
00:25:11,724 --> 00:25:14,200
And you dropped that shit, quick.
204
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,400
Anybody got them mothers
that would hit you with a shoe ?
205
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:24,160
I had a mother, that was so ashoed
she would do at the drop of a dime.
206
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,520
And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming.
207
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:33,800
And bad with the shoe, carry that shit like a gun,
my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe.
208
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,120
And you fucked up, my mom
was walking the room just like:
209
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:53,160
"Why did you eat your icecream off the floor ?"
"I didn't, I just..."
210
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,480
Bad ! Accurate !
211
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:09,280
You'd be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing
cereals off the counter going: "Mom, can we get this ?"
212
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:12,360
" I guess not !"
213
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,920
And could be doing three different things, be on
the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this
214
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,600
hand have the phone like this and be sayin'
"Yeah, mama, hold on a second."
215
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:28,400
Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be
dressed up and had them high heels on.
216
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,360
Them pumps, 'cos then she gets
boomerang action going on your ass !
217
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,440
And fuck you up in your room, you won't
even know what the fuck happened.
218
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,636
They can hear you when you're getting
ready to walk out the door.
219
00:26:37,871 --> 00:26:40,064
And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around.
They got that mother hearing.
220
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,480
"Wait a minute, baby."
221
00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:58,400
"Let's go."
222
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:14,047
She was the one who did all the
disciplining around the house and shit.
223
00:27:15,932 --> 00:27:18,181
Very, very strict house I came from.
224
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:26,000
And I remember when I first went to my first
contact with a white family, it freaked me out.
225
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:36,240
And I was there, I found some white kids
can curse around the house ! That fucked me up !
226
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,080
Coz I couldn't even say "dagg" around my house,
my momma said "sounds too much like damn."
227
00:27:42,140 --> 00:27:44,210
I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way.
228
00:27:44,210 --> 00:27:46,040
I was in the house with Tom Kildez.
229
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:51,760
His mother said "Tom you're a little late. He said
"Come on mom I'm moving as fast as I can shit."
230
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,960
And I was standing like this:
231
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,760
And if I tried to pull some shit like that
in my house? "Ed, you're a little late !"
232
00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:06,760
"Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this!
Come on, damn !" My pop just go:
233
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,640
"That motherfucker's crazy !"
234
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:34,200
Remember in the old days
when you could beat up a woman ?
235
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,640
Remember that shit back in the 20's, the guys just
smacked their wives in the movies... And they just go:
236
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:46,800
You can't do shit like that no more. Women be
takin' aerobics, and they'll fuck you up now !
237
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:57,000
It's scary too, man ! Especially a black woman.
You hit a black woman she lose her mind !
238
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,800
Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a
really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like:
239
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:09,520
"I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker ! You don't hit
me like that ! You don't hit me shit !
240
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:15,320
"You don't put your hands on my face !
241
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:21,240
"Baby, please, stop ! Baby, please... stop !
Baby, hold on, stop, please !"
242
00:29:22,180 --> 00:29:27,550
"Calm down, baby, calm down !"
"You don't hit me, motherfucker !"
243
00:29:28,030 --> 00:29:29,600
"So get the fuck out!"
244
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:33,610
Throw you out your own house, you
be so scared you get the fuck out too.
245
00:29:34,210 --> 00:29:38,850
That's some shit. You know you're scared when a woman
says get the fuck out your own house and you leave.
246
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,320
I had a girlfriend once,
I smacked her and got all cool and shit.
247
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,160
And then she got cool
and scared me more and I just left.
248
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:52,400
"I didn't want to do that shit, baby !
But you brought that shit on yourself"
249
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,620
"Dont make me have to do it again."
250
00:29:55,620 --> 00:29:58,060
She said: "No, no I did bring it on myself."
251
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,000
"Why don't you just go to sleep !"
252
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,080
Got the fuck out. People are changing.
253
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:16,640
Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now
you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago.
254
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:21,440
In the old days, you had an argument with your
girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here !"
255
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,920
Men would say:
"No, no, we can't have any of that."
256
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:29,200
And nowadays a woman say that shit,
dude: "Get the fuck out !"
257
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:41,080
Somebody broke wind in here !
258
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:45,880
I've been trying like not say nothing
but someone farted in this motherfucker.
259
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,800
That's some long-distance fart too, boy.
260
00:30:53,940 --> 00:30:56,340
I know you get down with your friends have a good time.
261
00:30:56,340 --> 00:30:59,970
Especially fellas..ya know they play that game,
they play the fart game you know.
262
00:31:00,470 --> 00:31:02,590
You know you fart around your fellas and its funny.
263
00:31:03,150 --> 00:31:07,590
Dudes be doing that they be gettin in elevators
farting and laughing and shit.
264
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:14,200
It's nasty ! You play the fart game. I think deep
down inside people wanna smell other people's farts.
265
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:19,120
'Cos you smell them.
And people always tell you they farted.
266
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:25,200
They say: "I farted." You don't leave,
you pause a second. "Yeah, you did !"
267
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:30,252
'cos in the back of your mind you wanna
grade the fart.
268
00:31:30,287 --> 00:31:32,051
'cos if it smells bad enough,
two years later you be going:
269
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,160
"Remember that fart you made, two years ago ?"
270
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:39,650
The fart game you play.
Starts off around the house when you're little.
271
00:31:40,140 --> 00:31:42,040
Your father introduces you to it.
272
00:31:42,060 --> 00:31:45,080
You'd be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning,
watching cartoons and your father make a fart and:
273
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:48,400
"That wasn't me, that was your mother."
274
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:52,840
"Oh, baby, baby ! I want a divorce, uh !
You're rotten, baby, shit !"
275
00:31:54,390 --> 00:31:59,720
And you join in, grab your little brother,
sit on his head and fart. You ever do that?
276
00:32:00,270 --> 00:32:04,370
That's a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: "Waaah"
277
00:32:05,250 --> 00:32:08,380
And your father goes: "It's the fart game,
you'll play one day son."
278
00:32:08,380 --> 00:32:11,440
The fart game, you get your
best friend in on that shit too.
279
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:15,530
You can walk up to your best friend while he's
watching a football game and fart in his face.
280
00:32:15,530 --> 00:32:16,530
He won't even get mad.
281
00:32:17,030 --> 00:32:19,970
He just go: "Ok, you got me."
282
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:26,200
"That was a good one, too ! My mouth was
open. My mouth was open on that !"
283
00:32:27,690 --> 00:32:32,470
I got a scar, over my eye till this day from
playing the fart game in the bathtub.
284
00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:38,120
Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor,
we didn't have mr. bubble, we played the fart game.
285
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,000
"I think it's smelly !"
286
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:06,000
"I'm G.I Joe, I'm swimming on the water..."
287
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:41,170
And my big brother was sitting in the other end
of the tub, and made shit in the tub.
288
00:33:41,570 --> 00:33:44,840
He wanted to add some excitement to the game.
289
00:33:46,060 --> 00:33:49,840
He said: "And then a big brown shark came."
290
00:33:53,650 --> 00:33:55,700
I jumped up and said: "Aaaaah."
291
00:33:55,810 --> 00:33:59,280
Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood
gushing out and shit.
292
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:01,690
Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom.
293
00:34:01,930 --> 00:34:05,930
Seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom
with a piece of shit in his hand.
294
00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:11,710
I was layin at the bottom of the water with blood
gushing outta my eye...
295
00:34:11,890 --> 00:34:15,480
And G.I. Joe up my ass...
296
00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:21,720
My mother: "What the fuck is going on over here ?"
297
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,280
Can I hold somebody's camera.
Anybody bring a camera?
298
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:34,960
Does its flash go immediately?
299
00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:39,880
Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt
and shit "Wait a second now !"
300
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:48,160
They try to press it and the shit don't work they
be going like: "There's something wrong with it..."
301
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:55,920
And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure?
I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself.
302
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,200
OK, y'all come over here on this now ?
303
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:15,120
You know ? I'll take two of them.
304
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,600
This ain't no instamatic motherfucker !
305
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,480
I got to wait for the flash and shit !
306
00:35:32,270 --> 00:35:35,600
See you got me waiting I should break your shit.
307
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,880
See the brothers sitting in the back go:
"All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures !"
308
00:35:47,407 --> 00:35:51,154
"I want my picture took, I'd steal
a car motherfucker!"
309
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,960
"Hey, man, I said one fuckin' picture !"
310
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:04,000
"You're going to ruin
my fucking film, man. Come on, shit !"
311
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,600
"Who the fuck do you think you are, man !"
312
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:21,880
I'll see you explain the last one
to the guy at the Photomat.
313
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,200
"That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick..."
314
00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,800
You know what would be a good picture?
Can all the brothers stand up ?
315
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,040
All the brothers in the audience?
Straight up ! Everybody up !
316
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:41,560
Straight up ! I'm serious ! What the fuck are you doing ?
Will you, motherfucker stand up ? Up !
317
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,700
And all the ladies get the cameras up.
318
00:36:44,860 --> 00:36:47,100
We're gonna set the record straight here.
319
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:48,490
When I say go...
320
00:36:48,610 --> 00:36:51,600
...everybody whip out their dick and go: "Wuuuhaaa"
321
00:36:52,615 --> 00:36:55,283
Look how fast the white dudes sat down.
322
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:04,720
Some of them still standing.
Y'all must be italian !
323
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:12,680
We got some shit on us.
324
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,440
We got all this shit!
325
00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:19,400
We got some dicks hanging down !
326
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:23,280
Dicks down to this motherfucker !
327
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,320
You don't believe it.
328
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,760
White people don't believe it. What's funny about it,
white people are the ones that made up the rumor.
329
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:36,400
"You know, black people have tremendous dicks,
but I don't believe it !"
330
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:43,800
You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa ?
Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor.
331
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:47,560
"What is this shit ?"
"It's an old dried up dick."
332
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,760
"That means the first dick belonged
to a black man."
333
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,040
Dicks. We got the shit for it.
334
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:59,000
We got nice asses, too. We got our shit on.
335
00:38:03,660 --> 00:38:05,700
You see a white dude would be in this suit like this.
336
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:15,840
"All right, man ! All right, maaan !"
337
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:25,000
I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend,
Doug's ass is way up here on his back.
338
00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:30,360
Ain't it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar.
339
00:38:32,510 --> 00:38:36,020
And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet:
"Lemme get my wallet"
340
00:38:37,070 --> 00:38:41,460
Coz we got our shit hooked,
all this is hooked up with black people.
341
00:38:41,460 --> 00:38:45,740
Chinese people are fucked all around,
coz they got little dicks and little asses.
342
00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:47,260
They do and its fucked up the way they walk.
343
00:38:47,260 --> 00:38:51,230
They be walking all light coz they
ain't got no shit pulling them down.
344
00:38:51,240 --> 00:38:56,120
Now, a brother's dick is too big it fucks
up his balance so he'd have to do all this shit..
345
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:09,240
Everytime you see a brother
in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple.
346
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,450
He's got big shit hanging down !
347
00:39:12,860 --> 00:39:16,800
That's why all the brothers model
they drawers in the newspapers. Think 'bout it.
348
00:39:17,470 --> 00:39:21,240
I've been seeing newspapers every sunday morning.
A white dude in his drawers...
349
00:39:22,370 --> 00:39:24,570
Never have no balls in they drawers.
350
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:30,480
Smiling and shit. If I had no balls
I wouldn't be smiling this shit.
351
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:37,120
"I don't have any dick !"
352
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:42,760
Brother be standing there..if a brother models
his drawers they need an extra fold in the page.
353
00:39:44,150 --> 00:39:47,300
They're selling underwear but this niggers
dick is in my coffee.
354
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:49,640
"Want me stir it for you ?"
355
00:39:56,760 --> 00:39:58,520
That's some true shit.
356
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:01,480
What's today's date ?
357
00:40:08,410 --> 00:40:09,740
Don't go to cook-outs.
358
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:11,790
I hate cook-outs man.
359
00:40:11,820 --> 00:40:15,690
Stay away from cook-outs, if you're like me stay away.
360
00:40:15,930 --> 00:40:20,710
I don't like my family come by the house, with
the relatives I ain't seen since the last cook-out.
361
00:40:21,090 --> 00:40:24,120
You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out.
362
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:27,130
And they get on your fuckin nerves every year.
363
00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:29,520
My uncle Gus come by the house every year.
364
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:32,410
My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill.
365
00:40:32,410 --> 00:40:35,420
And don't let nobody touch the grill
when he's around and shit.
366
00:40:35,420 --> 00:40:36,420
As as soon as he walks in the house its like:
367
00:40:36,430 --> 00:40:37,430
"Get away from that grill you dunna
know how to start a fire"
368
00:40:38,510 --> 00:40:40,200
"You dunna start no fire, put this fire out.
This ain't no fire goddamnit."
369
00:40:40,380 --> 00:40:43,920
"Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of
that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree."
370
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:44,920
"Chop down that tree and give me the wood."
371
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,330
"And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of
gasoline out the shed."
372
00:40:47,350 --> 00:40:50,320
"Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your
shirt we're gonna start a fire."
373
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:51,340
"Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?."
374
00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:52,940
"Then shut up and put it on the fire."
375
00:40:52,940 --> 00:40:53,940
"O.k. put that wood on the side there."
376
00:40:53,940 --> 00:40:54,940
"O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie."
377
00:40:54,940 --> 00:40:57,230
"Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on
the gasoline all right?"
378
00:40:57,230 --> 00:40:58,230
"When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire.
We gonna eat.
379
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,010
"Here we go pour the gasoline on like this."
380
00:41:02,010 --> 00:41:04,750
"We need the hole 2...get that goddamn lighter fluid
out of here we can't use that shit."
381
00:41:04,750 --> 00:41:06,950
"Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood."
382
00:41:06,950 --> 00:41:08,810
"And make a fire, we're gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?"
383
00:41:08,810 --> 00:41:10,180
"Here we go, Charlie throw the match."
384
00:41:11,570 --> 00:41:12,940
"NOW THAT"S A FIRE!"
385
00:41:12,940 --> 00:41:15,730
"That's a fire, look at that, look at that."
386
00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:18,930
"He be alright, roll Charlie 'round, roll him around."
387
00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:26,320
And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny.
My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit !
388
00:41:27,240 --> 00:41:30,810
You know one of them lady moustaches?
It was really cool, back when she was 20.
389
00:41:31,020 --> 00:41:33,270
Ladies had them little thin ones and shit.
390
00:41:33,490 --> 00:41:37,520
Then when they get about 45 like aunt
Bunny they be havin' a Billy Dee Williams' look.
391
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,960
The shit is bigger than a man's and shit !
392
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,650
Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds.
393
00:41:43,750 --> 00:41:47,480
Like 250, real heavy lady and shit.
And the kids were scared of her.
394
00:41:47,700 --> 00:41:50,850
You got that kid logic going.
I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house.
395
00:41:50,850 --> 00:41:51,850
It was like.
396
00:41:51,850 --> 00:41:55,530
I was petrified coz she always
wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit.
397
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:59,440
Soon as she walked on the door was like:
"Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."
398
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:01,320
Then you go: "Waaaaa!"
399
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:08,720
And my mom would say:
"Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny ?"
400
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,600
Kids don't give a fuck, they go:
"She's got a moustache !"
401
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:25,880
Why do kids move so slow
when they be crying?
402
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:29,160
"Stop making all that noise !"
403
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:33,280
" I said shut up !"
404
00:42:39,910 --> 00:42:43,080
You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be
standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother.
405
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:47,560
"God please kill her !"
406
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,400
"I hope she gets hit by a truck and die !"
407
00:42:54,840 --> 00:42:57,680
"I hate her ! I hate her !
I hate her ! I hate her !"
408
00:42:57,680 --> 00:42:59,560
Shut up or I'll come and give you
something to cry about.
409
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:10,240
Than my pop starts talking.
And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July !"
410
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:14,680
Black men like to claim the house
when they're drunk.
411
00:43:14,980 --> 00:43:17,760
Men period I think, like to claim their house.
412
00:43:17,830 --> 00:43:21,560
They want you to know that if you drunk and they're
drunk. And you in their house, that it's their house.
413
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:25,600
My father standing in the middle of
the cook-out saying: "It's my house !"
414
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,920
"You know that it is ? And if you
don't like it, you get the fuck out !"
415
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:35,640
"I don't give a fuck !"
416
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:40,160
"I don't give a... I pay the motherfucker
bills in this motherfucker !"
417
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:44,720
"And, hey... Kiss my ass if you don't like it !"
418
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,200
"Yes ! Yes, motherfucker, yes !"
'cos you know what it is?
419
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:57,200
I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful ! I'm drunk.
I'm drunk ! So what? I'm drunk.
420
00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:59,200
"You know what ?
I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,
421
00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:02,960
I was drinking out of my glass
in my motherfucker house."
422
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:05,400
"So, fuck it !"
423
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:13,400
Then he attacks the whole family, like:
"Gus ! Gus, can I ask you a question?"
424
00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:15,920
"Why is the fire so big ?"
425
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:21,240
"Why you made the fire so big ? Look at this shit !
Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus !"
426
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:25,600
"The fire is too motherfucker big ! Why ?
427
00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:27,960
You're coming in every motherfuckin' year, Gus..."
428
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:32,480
"...and you burn out
my motherfucker backyard ! Why ?"
429
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,320
"I'm cooking motherfucker
hamburgers this big ?"
430
00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:39,200
"I'm not cookin' no motherfucking
brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker !"
431
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:47,200
"This ain't the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus !
It's my house, motherfucker !"
432
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:50,890
"Look at Charlie standing over there with
3rd degree burns on em."
433
00:44:53,790 --> 00:44:56,070
"It doesn't make sense no.
But you take things too far Gus."
434
00:44:57,280 --> 00:45:00,400
"I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches.
Tell you go 4 inches you go 5."
435
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,260
"Give a nigga rope gonna be a cowboy Gus."
436
00:45:02,270 --> 00:45:05,770
"Why don't you listen. Eddie, get that
motherfucking dog away from my plate."
437
00:45:05,770 --> 00:45:07,560
"I'm gonna shoot this dog."
438
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:10,150
"I'm gonna shoot this mother... shut up.
I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying."
439
00:45:10,170 --> 00:45:12,490
"Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out."
440
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:15,600
"You're gettin' the fuck...
I know you're seven !"
441
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:20,520
"But you'll be a seven year old
walkin' the dog no house motherfucker !"
442
00:45:26,570 --> 00:45:28,380
"I hate this motherfucking dog."
443
00:45:29,710 --> 00:45:31,440
"You don't spend time with the dog Eddie."
444
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:32,440
"You don't feed the motherfucker."
445
00:45:33,170 --> 00:45:36,940
"You don't pet it. You don't even know
what the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you"
446
00:45:36,940 --> 00:45:40,890
"The dog don't give a fuck he don't know his name.
The dog is 3 yrs old dont know his name."
447
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:43,080
"Watch this: Coco ! Where the fuck is it goin' ?
448
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,920
The dog's stupid !'cos you
don't spend time with the motherfucker."
449
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:50,520
I'm supposed to work hard all day
and come home to feed the motherfucking dog ?
450
00:45:50,720 --> 00:45:52,520
Fuck no, I'm not feeding the motherfucker !"
451
00:45:52,520 --> 00:45:54,400
"You know Eddie, when nobody's home."
452
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:56,120
"When nobody's home you know what I do?"
453
00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:58,960
"I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker !"
454
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:05,280
"I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie !
And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off."
455
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:10,560
"'cos I hate the motherfucker !
'cos you don't clean up behind it !
456
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:13,240
"This ain't Scooby-Doo motherfucker !"
457
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:15,580
"Why can't you clean the dog."
458
00:46:15,590 --> 00:46:19,390
"The dog shits all over the house.
If noone tells you Eddie you dont clean the shit."
459
00:46:19,510 --> 00:46:20,520
"You let the shit stay forever."
460
00:46:21,010 --> 00:46:23,710
"Shit been in the den for 6 months Eddie."
461
00:46:24,190 --> 00:46:27,950
It's been in the den for 6 months, you kids
go pass it you act like you don't see it.
462
00:46:27,950 --> 00:46:29,790
"And unless you're told you won't clean the shit."
463
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:33,720
"The shit is hard as a rock now !
It's like motherfuckin furniture in there !"
464
00:46:35,200 --> 00:46:39,450
"I went in there last week to watch the fight,
and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie"
465
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:43,520
"It's a coffee table now !
Why can't you clean up shit ?"
466
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:47,370
"My friends come over and they oh that's
lovely. It's not lovely it's a piece of shit."
467
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:51,480
"'Cos my children don't listen !"
468
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:55,240
Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps.
Almost every year.
469
00:46:56,040 --> 00:47:00,600
Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps?
Make a whole lotta fucking noise !
470
00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:04,560
It's scary, too, 'cos they'll be
calling Jesus on the way down !
471
00:47:05,640 --> 00:47:08,704
And aunts don't like to fall straight
down the steps like a kid,
472
00:47:08,759 --> 00:47:11,747
They be trying to break the fall
and hold it and stop the shit.
473
00:47:11,782 --> 00:47:14,040
And that's what makes
the fall take a half hour then.
474
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,160
Real loud, like:
475
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:23,720
"Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord,
please, Jesus, please !"
476
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:32,440
"Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling
down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please !"
477
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:39,720
"My shoe !"
478
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:45,280
"Oh lord Jesus God help us !"
479
00:47:46,760 --> 00:47:50,080
"I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus !"
480
00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:54,600
"Lilian !"
"What is all that fuckin' noise ?!"
481
00:47:59,240 --> 00:48:03,600
"Lilian !
The bitch is falling down the steps again !"
482
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,920
"Lilian ! Lilian !"
"What's wrong, Bunny ?"
483
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:17,240
"I fell down the steps !"
484
00:48:18,240 --> 00:48:20,835
"Bunny fell down the steps ! Bunny fell down the steps !"
485
00:48:21,016 --> 00:48:23,298
Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny
something cool for her head !"
486
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:26,440
"What happened ?"
"Bunny fell down the steps !"
487
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:37,640
"Hey, Charlie ! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps !"
488
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,520
"Gus ! What the fuck is wrong with your wife ?"
489
00:48:46,680 --> 00:48:51,480
"Why can't she walk the fryer steps?
You come up every fuckin' year, Gus..."
490
00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:56,640
"... and you burn down my motherfucker backyard
and your wife rips down the steps !"
491
00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:00,600
"Why ? I work hard to get my place beautiful..."
492
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:03,600
"...and then the motherfucker come over
and rips the steps down !"
493
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:07,360
"Look at the motherfucker steps !
They're fucked up, Gus !"
494
00:49:08,240 --> 00:49:10,760
"Why can't she walk the steps ?
You know why she can't walk the steps ?"
495
00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:14,560
"'cos she's a fat hairy bitch !
That's why !"
496
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:19,520
"That's why, Gus !
And my children are afraid of your wife."
497
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,600
"Eddie's afraid of her !
He has nightmares about your wife !"
498
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:26,880
I went to his room last week, Gus, he was
in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me !"
499
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:31,080
"I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What's wrong ?
He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !"
500
00:49:32,160 --> 00:49:35,960
"He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has
a bigger moustache than his father !"
501
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,760
But you know what it is, Gus ! I figured
out about your wife. And I'm gonna say it..
502
00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:46,400
I figured out about your wife.
I know where you met your wife.
503
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:49,520
You told me you met your wife 15 years
ago on a motherfucking camping trip...
504
00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:53,440
"...and that your wife was portorican.
Your wife ain't no motherfucker portorican !"
505
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:57,920
"I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos
I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon."
506
00:49:58,040 --> 00:50:00,440
And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu !"
507
00:50:01,360 --> 00:50:03,840
"What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus ?"
508
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:08,680
"I don't know what the fuck that shit is as to this day.
I thought I learned some new spanish shit !"
509
00:50:09,160 --> 00:50:14,480
I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez ! Guni gugu !
And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here !"
510
00:50:15,240 --> 00:50:17,225
I've been walking around for years confused.
511
00:50:17,226 --> 00:50:19,810
And I finally figured out about your wife,
where you met your wife.
512
00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:22,280
"You didn't meet your motherfucker wife
on no camping trip !"
513
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:26,120
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus ?"
514
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:31,800
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why
the bitch's mustache is so motherfucker thick !"
515
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:34,720
"'Cos you shaved the bitch down
and taught it to speak !"
516
00:50:35,840 --> 00:50:38,720
"I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one !"
517
00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:42,920
"You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ?
On my children ?"
518
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:48,360
The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps !
She's not trained well, Gus !"
519
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:53,760
She can not walk steps. I bet she
climb the fuck out a tree though, don't she, Gus ?"
520
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:57,320
"Doesn't she ? Doesn't she ?"
521
00:50:57,720 --> 00:50:59,640
"But you had to bring her out here !"
522
00:50:59,880 --> 00:51:04,560
Fuck her ! And your motherfucker children?
They're Bigfeet too ! They're half Bigfoot, Gus.
523
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:09,250
"Cos the m.f. is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long."
524
00:51:09,610 --> 00:51:12,840
"They're little hairy m.f. just like their mother."
525
00:51:12,841 --> 00:51:15,434
Look at the motherfuckers, you know
how I found out they was bigfoot?
526
00:51:16,589 --> 00:51:18,273
When I took your kids fishing last week.
527
00:51:18,274 --> 00:51:20,275
I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus.
528
00:51:20,276 --> 00:51:22,272
And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks.
529
00:51:22,273 --> 00:51:26,121
And they both sat there,
and put the poles down in the boat.
530
00:51:26,122 --> 00:51:29,272
And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins.
531
00:51:29,673 --> 00:51:32,304
And I think what the fuck are these kids doin.
532
00:51:32,710 --> 00:51:34,194
Then they start movin their heads like this
533
00:51:34,302 --> 00:51:36,571
and the motherfuckers come up with fish.
534
00:51:39,852 --> 00:51:43,570
I jumped back and said can you believe this
motherfuckin shit.
535
00:51:43,680 --> 00:51:48,080
Then kid took the fish out of his mouth,
looked at his brother and said: "Guni gugu !"
536
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:52,360
"I said, what the fuck is going on here ?"
537
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:58,200
"Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus !
But I'll tell you somethin' motherfucker !"
538
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:03,120
You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass
white mustache bitch out the fuck.
539
00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:06,880
"you can go upstairs and get the
motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit..."
540
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:12,240
"and take Eddie and get these motherfucker
long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours...
541
00:52:12,480 --> 00:52:15,480
"...and put them in the motherfucker
guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out !"
542
00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:18,080
"And if my wife don't like it
she can get the fuck out too !"
543
00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:20,400
"You missed me, bitch !"
544
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:30,720
Thank you !
545
00:52:35,880 --> 00:52:37,880
Oh, Jesus.
546
00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:53,800
Oh, shit... I'm in Washington D.C. !
547
00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:01,880
Jesus ! Christ !
548
00:53:02,081 --> 00:53:05,481
This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here.
549
00:53:08,366 --> 00:53:10,758
Hey Ron everyone's booing and I ain't said shit.
550
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:21,200
Well, tell us something
we don't know, motherfucker !
551
00:53:22,598 --> 00:53:26,568
It ain't like people sit around going "Really does it suck?"
552
00:53:29,243 --> 00:53:31,804
Shit's changing though, we got black politicians now.
553
00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:34,200
Who's that boy... Harold Washington ?
554
00:53:34,960 --> 00:53:38,800
Harold Washington said: "Fuck it !"
And won.
555
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,760
I know he's still sitting around going:
"I really won the motherfucker?"
556
00:53:46,087 --> 00:53:49,176
And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said:
"Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it"
557
00:53:50,235 --> 00:53:52,176
"Jesse you can win" i see these brothers going.
558
00:53:52,177 --> 00:53:55,965
"You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than
motherfucking Harold Washington."
559
00:53:55,966 --> 00:53:57,632
"Fuck Harold Washington."
560
00:53:57,815 --> 00:53:59,551
"Fuck him man, run for president."
561
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:02,359
And Jesse going: "Yeah, fuck that shit."
562
00:54:04,440 --> 00:54:07,880
I've seen Jesse in the gym, working
the fuck out, too, for getting into shape.
563
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:12,067
You know he got a chance he can win.
White dudes like to do shit like that...
564
00:54:12,068 --> 00:54:14,688
...vote for the wrong dude as a goof.
565
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:19,040
They get drunk and shit and go like:
"Let's vote for Jesse Jackson !"
566
00:54:23,240 --> 00:54:25,280
"I just voted for Jesse Jackson !"
567
00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:28,480
And next day would be
like this: "He fuckin' won?"
568
00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:34,960
Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape.
I've seen him running round the track and shit.
569
00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:38,680
I said: "Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?"
He says: ""cos I'm gonna be the first black president."
570
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:41,680
"I have to give speeches like this: My fellow americans !
As your president I feel
571
00:54:52,240 --> 00:54:53,360
And dude be going:
572
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,000
"He won't stand still !"
573
00:55:11,265 --> 00:55:13,650
I ain't hooked up into all that racism shit.
574
00:55:13,730 --> 00:55:16,843
My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers.
575
00:55:16,860 --> 00:55:18,196
I ain't into all that racism shit.
576
00:55:18,310 --> 00:55:22,079
Racism ain't as bad as it used to be anyway man..
I mean its fucked up but,
577
00:55:22,080 --> 00:55:24,608
They don't call niggers, niggers no more and shit.
578
00:55:24,609 --> 00:55:25,600
White people don't say it.
579
00:55:25,610 --> 00:55:28,986
Especially when there's niggas around.
So I guess I wouldn't know it.
580
00:55:31,200 --> 00:55:34,400
I went to Texas to look into racism,
about two months ago.
581
00:55:34,720 --> 00:55:39,040
I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane
and shit, walked up looking for racism.
582
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:43,640
My friends always told me: "You better
not go to Texas ! They'll fuck you up !"
583
00:55:44,560 --> 00:55:48,440
And when a modern day brother here that shit
"What ! They ain't fucking nobody up!"
584
00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:51,799
Brothers act like they couldn't have
been slaves back 200 years ago.
585
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:54,425
Its like motherfuckers liked that shit.
586
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:57,576
"I wish I was a slave; I would fuck somebody up!"
587
00:55:59,111 --> 00:56:01,658
"Shit..tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton."
588
00:56:01,659 --> 00:56:03,118
"I would have been on the street and shit..
589
00:56:03,119 --> 00:56:06,015
"He would came up and say ey
yo nigga bale this cotton?"
590
00:56:06,072 --> 00:56:08,512
"I'd say suck my dick master."
591
00:56:09,412 --> 00:56:11,781
"Suck my motherfucking dick."
592
00:56:11,782 --> 00:56:12,782
"That's right I ain't baling a motherfucker."
593
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:19,720
The first dude that got off the boat said that shit.
594
00:56:20,021 --> 00:56:21,303
"Bale that cotton."
595
00:56:21,479 --> 00:56:23,560
"Fuck you, motherfucker !"
596
00:56:24,866 --> 00:56:27,812
Other motherfuckers say: "We bale the shit,
just keep that shit away."
597
00:56:28,205 --> 00:56:30,047
"Just keep that fuckin' shit away from me."
598
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:33,608
I got of the motherfucking plane, walked up,
599
00:56:33,987 --> 00:56:35,364
Got up, walked up, my bag.
600
00:56:35,464 --> 00:56:39,892
All my black shit on, black leather,
big ass medallion and shit on like this.
601
00:56:40,159 --> 00:56:41,569
Little white dude walk up and say: "This your bag?"
602
00:56:41,604 --> 00:56:43,495
I said: "Yes, my fuckin' bag !"
603
00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:49,000
"Why, motherfucker ?
A black man can't have a suitcase ?"
604
00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:57,280
And the dude is like:
"What the fuck's wrong with this guy ?"
605
00:57:00,240 --> 00:57:02,400
Wasn't that bad at all.
606
00:57:03,080 --> 00:57:06,160
I'm winded.
I'm out of breath.
607
00:57:06,480 --> 00:57:08,000
Sweating and shit.
608
00:57:08,200 --> 00:57:10,800
"Do take it off!"
"Shut up, bitch!!"
609
00:57:45,145 --> 00:57:47,776
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too.
610
00:58:01,610 --> 00:58:03,011
Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.
611
00:58:03,280 --> 00:58:05,410
You know who get it real bad now?
Chinese people.
612
00:58:05,420 --> 00:58:07,392
They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad.
613
00:58:07,393 --> 00:58:08,393
You be teasin' them and shit.
614
00:58:08,510 --> 00:58:10,643
Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food.
615
00:58:10,659 --> 00:58:13,053
Chinese dude would be in there.
and when he leave you do like this:
616
00:58:15,720 --> 00:58:18,675
Everybody makes fun of chinese when
they order some food up and shit.
617
00:58:18,707 --> 00:58:20,636
And they're nice guys, be all courteous and shit.
618
00:58:27,943 --> 00:58:29,386
Your friends and shit be laughing.
619
00:58:29,387 --> 00:58:32,462
And he look out the back and say:
"The food is coming right up."
620
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:44,520
He be in the back watching us:
"Very funny. Very funny."
621
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:50,680
"Make a special Won-Ton soup for him..."
622
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:00,520
I wonder if they have,
like a McDonald's in China ?
623
00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:06,680
Chinese people would be walking and say:
"Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake,
a large order fry and a cherry pie."
624
00:59:07,320 --> 00:59:10,920
And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large
order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up."
625
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:25,680
That's a fucked up language too, chinese.
Hard to learn.
626
00:59:26,160 --> 00:59:28,800
I wanna learn to speak spanish.
That's the shit.
627
00:59:29,080 --> 00:59:33,840
You know what I'd really want to speak?
I'd like to learn how to speak french,
'cos that's some cool shit, french.
628
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:37,920
You can say "I gotta shit" in french
and it would sound good:
629
00:59:44,240 --> 00:59:45,800
Just sounds good.
630
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:51,520
I don't like that shit that arabic. That the motherfuckers
be speaking in the 7-11. That shit's fucked for me.
631
00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:58,480
It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like:
632
01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:06,840
That's a word in arabic:
That means some shit to them !
633
01:00:12,040 --> 01:00:13,760
"Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?"
634
01:00:15,880 --> 01:00:17,120
"Never mind, man."
635
01:00:17,960 --> 01:00:20,880
"I don't want no hakana
on my bread, motherfucker !"
636
01:00:22,800 --> 01:00:23,650
Spanish language.
637
01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:27,280
You know why I want to learn how to speak
spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff.
638
01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:30,600
When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying:
639
01:00:31,715 --> 01:00:33,865
I'd say: "Go on Ricky curse the bitch out."
640
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:37,738
Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit.
641
01:00:38,002 --> 01:00:41,622
For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky
Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.
642
01:00:41,623 --> 01:00:44,990
He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club
Babaloo and shit.
643
01:01:07,691 --> 01:01:08,856
Remember that shit?
644
01:01:08,999 --> 01:01:10,397
You be sittin' there like this:
645
01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:14,840
He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like:
646
01:01:22,960 --> 01:01:25,200
"It's justa ridiculous !"
647
01:01:26,040 --> 01:01:30,360
"Hey, Fred ! How would you like
to fuck me up the ass ?"
648
01:01:40,120 --> 01:01:42,440
TV is all screwed...
Any kids here ?
649
01:01:43,040 --> 01:01:46,200
I mean, little kids.
I don't like you bringing those kids down here.
650
01:01:46,640 --> 01:01:49,520
How old are you, man ?
How old ?
651
01:01:50,160 --> 01:01:52,960
13 ? Oh, you're gonna be fucked up
when you leave.
652
01:01:54,040 --> 01:01:56,160
"Dad ! What's a dick, what is that ?"
653
01:01:56,840 --> 01:01:58,560
How old is the other girl, over there ?
654
01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:01,040
Oh, y'all fucked up now !
655
01:02:01,524 --> 01:02:02,770
Y'all thought I would be going like this:
656
01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:07,840
You didn't know I'd be saying: "A dick this big !"
657
01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:14,960
The kid's gonna be waking up and:
"A negro's dick's coming to get me mom !"
658
01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:20,080
I'mma tell you all a joke you can tell in school,
all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff.
659
01:02:21,000 --> 01:02:23,760
Here's a little joke...
Y'all can listen to it too.
660
01:02:24,560 --> 01:02:30,040
I know lots of times people seen my show then go to
work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit.
661
01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:34,000
"...and then he said guni gugu !"
662
01:02:35,880 --> 01:02:38,000
"And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!"
663
01:02:38,800 --> 01:02:42,840
"Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip
your cock off with my ass !"
664
01:02:45,280 --> 01:02:48,320
And dude be standing all:
"Yeah, very funny shit, right..."
665
01:02:49,040 --> 01:02:53,360
Here's a joke you can tell at school,
when school starts.
666
01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:55,760
Everybody be quiet now.
Are you listening guys ?
667
01:02:56,600 --> 01:03:00,840
A bear and a rabbit
are takin' a shit in the woods.
668
01:03:01,800 --> 01:03:06,840
And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me,
you have problems with shit sticking to your fur ?"
669
01:03:07,800 --> 01:03:09,200
And the rabbit says: "No."
670
01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:12,480
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
671
01:03:27,640 --> 01:03:29,440
I like that joke.
672
01:03:39,680 --> 01:03:43,040
Oh, shit !
Anybody got cable ?
673
01:03:45,640 --> 01:03:51,840
I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm
so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek.
674
01:03:52,840 --> 01:03:54,840
That's some good shit !
675
01:03:56,040 --> 01:04:00,000
I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk
will fuck anybody !
676
01:04:00,440 --> 01:04:04,760
I've seen him beamed down on a planet-
ever seen that when he's fucked this dream bitch?
677
01:04:05,360 --> 01:04:08,760
You gotta be a horny motherfucker
to fuck a dream bitch !
678
01:04:09,640 --> 01:04:13,800
I mean, I'm no racist, but if the bitch is green
there's something wrong with the pussy!
679
01:04:14,880 --> 01:04:16,760
He'll be fucking a mutant and:
680
01:04:24,520 --> 01:04:28,720
Ship be gettin' all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him
he made me laugh, he's never cool and shit.
681
01:04:28,960 --> 01:04:31,880
He's the opposite of Spock.
The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say:
682
01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:36,840
"Captain, my ship can't take much more
of this sir. She's about to blow !"
683
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:40,160
"Let Spock handle it."
684
01:04:40,920 --> 01:04:46,000
And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take
the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals
685
01:04:46,120 --> 01:04:48,520
and point them phasers at them
and then use the power from the phasers
686
01:04:48,760 --> 01:04:51,880
to regenerate the dylithium crystals
and we can get out on the impulse power."
687
01:04:52,120 --> 01:04:55,600
"Mr Spock ! It just might wax it !"
688
01:04:55,840 --> 01:04:58,520
"The shit worked last week, motherfucker !"
689
01:05:00,600 --> 01:05:03,420
I got fed up with TV and shit,
coz I seen all the Star Treks.
690
01:05:03,430 --> 01:05:04,618
I start watching cable.
691
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:08,161
I was watching Poltergeist last month.
692
01:05:08,196 --> 01:05:09,517
I got a question.
693
01:05:10,080 --> 01:05:14,000
Why don't white people just leave the house
when there's a ghost in the house ?
694
01:05:18,680 --> 01:05:21,760
Y'all stay in the house too fuckin' long.
Get the fuck out of the house !
695
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:25,480
Very simple: If there's a ghost
in the house, get the fuck out !
696
01:05:27,040 --> 01:05:31,760
And not only did they stay in the house
with the poltergeist, they invite more people over !
697
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:35,440
Sitting around going: "Our daughter Carroll-Ann's
in the television set."
698
01:05:35,441 --> 01:05:37,727
I would have been gone.
699
01:05:37,728 --> 01:05:38,728
If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say
700
01:05:38,729 --> 01:05:44,029
"Look man, I went home my fucking daughter's in the
t.v. set and I just fucking left."
701
01:05:44,496 --> 01:05:47,240
You can have all this, I ain't going back
to the motherfucker.
702
01:05:47,241 --> 01:05:51,362
I just came down so when she ain't at the school
you don't think I killed the bitch or anything like that.
703
01:05:51,363 --> 01:05:54,764
But she is inside the tv set you can have
all that shit. Thank you.
704
01:05:54,765 --> 01:05:56,591
"Mr. Murphy didn't you try to save your daughter?"
705
01:05:56,592 --> 01:05:58,394
Yeah, I'm a man, see I tried to save her
706
01:05:58,450 --> 01:06:02,515
I turned the channels the shit didn't work.
I got the fuck out.
707
01:06:04,367 --> 01:06:08,027
The kid was only 6 years old in the movie,
they couldn't have been to attached to her.
708
01:06:10,070 --> 01:06:13,397
In the amityville horror the ghost
told them to get out of the house.
709
01:06:13,398 --> 01:06:17,405
White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint
and a half for your ass.
710
01:06:17,840 --> 01:06:21,360
A ghost say get the fuck out, I
would just tip the fuck out the door!
711
01:06:21,361 --> 01:06:24,928
Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, the're was
blood in the toilet.
712
01:06:24,929 --> 01:06:26,991
And said, "That's peculiar."
713
01:06:28,366 --> 01:06:31,582
I would 've been in the house saying:
"Oh baby this is beautiful."
714
01:06:31,583 --> 01:06:35,552
"We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids
outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood."
715
01:06:35,553 --> 01:06:37,907
"We ain't got nuttin to worry,
I really love it this is really nice."
716
01:06:38,120 --> 01:06:41,800
"GET OUT !"
"Too bad we can't stay, baby !"
717
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:51,000
You know, I wanna say something.
718
01:06:52,080 --> 01:06:58,200
I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman
that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera...
719
01:06:58,880 --> 01:07:00,400
What was her name ?
720
01:07:00,680 --> 01:07:05,440
Mary Anderson? And this place was like
segregated and she couldn't sing here.
721
01:07:07,920 --> 01:07:11,920
And she couldn't sing in the place.
And here we are, like not even 50 years later,
722
01:07:12,040 --> 01:07:17,160
A 22 year old black male
on stage getting paid to hold his dick.
723
01:07:19,160 --> 01:07:24,680
God bless America ! I gotta go now.
Y'all take it easy, bye bye !
71125
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.