All language subtitles for Desperate.Housewives.S05E21.1080p.WEB-DL.DD+.5.1.x264-TrollHD_track3_[und]

PREVIOUSLY ON...

DOES THIS RELATIONSHIP
HAVE A FUTURE?
CAN'T WE JUST KEEP

GOING THE WAY WE ARE?
JACKSON LEFT.

ORSON'S LYING TO ME AGAIN.
BREE MADE A DECISION.

SO I THINK I HAVE
TO DIVORCE HIM.
KARL SIGNED UP.

KARL, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

WELL, I JUST ENROLLED EVAN.

WOW.

AND SUSAN CONFESSED.
MIKE AND I GOT
IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

MIKE WAS DRIVING, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHAT WE SAID,

BUT IT WASN'T TRUE.
HE TOOK THE BLAME FOR ME.

(Mary Alice) ON THIS STREET,

THE BARGAINING BEGINS
AT SUNRISE...

AN OLD WOMAN OFFERS A PAPERBOY
A GENEROUS TIP

IF HE'LL THROW THE PAPER
ONTO HER PORCH...

A WIFE TELLS HER HUSBAND
SHE'LL MAKE HIS FAVORITE DINNER

IF HE'LL BRING HOME ROSES...

A MAN TELLS HIS NEIGHBOR
HE'LL TAKE IN HIS GARBAGE CANS

THE DAY
SHE FINALLY MOWS HER LAWN.

YES, ON WISTERIA LANE,

EVERYONE KNOWS HOW TO BARGAIN--

ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE.

I DON'T WANT OATMEAL.
CAN I HAVE PANCAKES?

KATHERINE'S NOT
A SHORT ORDER COOK, BUDDY.

IF SHE MADE OATMEAL FOR
BREAKFAST, WE'RE HAVING OATMEAL.

I TELL YOU WHAT, M.J.
IF YOU FINISH JUST HALF OF IT,

I WILL MAKE CANDIED APPLES
FOR YOUR SLEEPOVER.

I LOVE CANDY APPLES.
SHE'S LETTING YOU OFF EASY.
YOU SHOULD THANK HER.

THANK YOU, KATHERINE.

YOU ARE SO WELCOME,
YOU SWEET THING.

DAD, ARE YOU GONNA MARRY
KATHERINE?

(mouth full) UM...
(chuckles)

THAT'S, UM...

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY NOT?

OH, WELL, OH, BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T
TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE.

WHY NOT?

M.J., YOU'RE BEING RUDE.

OH, I'M NOT OFFENDED.

DON'T YOU WANNA MARRY
KATHERINE?

(laughs) WELL...

I LOVE HER.

SHE'S ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

SO WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HER?

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

BUDDY, UM,
WHEN IT COMES TO MARRIAGE,

THE TRUTH IS...

WOW. WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THE TIME? I'M LATE FOR WORK.

(keys jangle)
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER.

COWARD.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

HOW'D I DO?

YOU WERE GREAT.

BUT HE DIDN'T ANSWER ME.

DOESN'T MATTER.
ISSUE'S ON THE TABLE.

YES, ON THIS STREET,

THE NEGOTIATING BEGINS
AT SUNRISE,

AND IT DOESN'T END...

HERE'S THE ICE CREAM
I PROMISED YOU.

UNTIL SOMEONE GETS
EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT.

WALTER BERGEN WAS
A DIVORCE LAWYER,

AND THE WOMEN WHO HIRED HIM
ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING TO SAY

ABOUT THE MEN
THEY WERE DIVORCING.

HE'S ALWAYS TALKING
TO HIS GRANDMOTHER,

WHO DIED SIX YEARS AGO.

HE SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY
ON HOOKERS,

WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE WOMEN.

HE SAYS HE NEEDS MORE MONEY
FOR THE CHILDREN,

AND BY "CHILDREN,"

I MEAN RACEHORSES.

YES, WALTER BERGEN THOUGHT
HE HAD HEARD IT ALL

UNTIL THE DAY WHEN ONE
OF HIS CLIENTS ACTUALLY SAID...

MY HUSBAND IS A DECENT MAN,
AND I WANT TO DO RIGHT BY HIM.

HMM.

WOMEN WHO SEEK MY SERVICES
RARELY TAKE THAT ATTITUDE.

WELL, I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF
AS A GOOD PERSON.

I'M SURE YOU ARE.

AND I WOULDN'T WORRY
ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND.

THE INCOME HE'LL DERIVE

FROM HIS HALF OF THE CATERING
BUSINESS ALONE SHOULD--

WAIT. I'M NOT PLANNING
ON GIVING HIM HALF.

IT'S MY BUSINESS.

WHICH YOU STARTED
AFTER YOU WERE MARRIED.

THAT ENTITLES HIM TO HALF.

I-I MAY HAVE
OVERSTATED THINGS

WHEN I DESCRIBED MY HUSBAND
AS A DECENT MAN.

HE ACTUALLY HAS A WIDE VARIETY
OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS.

MRS. HODGE, IT'S STATE LAW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

I WANT YOU TO SAY
THAT FOR $300 AN HOUR,

YOU HAVE SOME LAWYER TRICKS
UP YOUR SLEEVE

TO HELP ME
PROTECT MY BUSINESS.

SURELY YOU'RE NOT ASKING ME
TO DO SOMETHING CRIMINAL?

MRS. HODGE, DIDN'T YOU SAY

YOU LIKE TO THINK OF YOURSELF
AS A GOOD PERSON?

WELL, CLEARLY, I LIKE
TO THINK OF MYSELF

AS A RICH PERSON EVEN MORE.

OH! FULL HOUSE.

BREE TAKES THE HIGH. GABY GETS
THE LOW. SPLIT THE POT.

OH, I HATE SPLITTING THE POT.

WELL, THAT'S THE RULE. THERE'S
NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

SO STOP BITCHING.
WELL, YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME
LIKE THAT.

I AM THE WIFE OF FAIRVIEW'S
LATINO BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR.

HEY!
SO HE FINALLY WON?

(laughs) YEAH.
THERE'S GONNA BE A HUGE DINNER,

AND WE'RE TAKING A PICTURE
WITH THE MAYOR AND HIS WIFE.

OH, NOT NECESSARILY. I HEAR
THEY'RE GETTING DIVORCED,

AND IT'S GONNA GET UGLY.
(Katherine)
REALLY? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THE WIFE HIRED

THE SLEAZIEST, MOST UNETHICAL
DIVORCE LAWYER IN TOWN.

OH. WHO--WHO'S THAT?

MY EX-HUSBAND.

OH, RIGHT.
KARL'S A DIVORCE LAWYER.

YEAH, AND A TOTAL SHARK.

THE WORST THING ABOUT
OUR DIVORCE

WAS THAT I COULDN'T HIRE HIM
TO REPRESENT ME.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU JUST SPLIT
EVERYTHING DONE THE MIDDLE.
OH, NOT WITH KARL.

BY THE TIME HE'S DONE FINDING
LOOPHOLES AND HIDING ASSETS,

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SPLIT.

YOU DON'T SAY.

HEY, LADIES.

UH, LYNETTE, AHEM.

IT'S GETTING KINDA LATE.

ARE YOU KICKING US OUT, TOM?
UH, NO.
NO, JUST REMINDING LYNETTE

THAT IT'S, UH,
TEN MINUTES TILL MIDNIGHT,

WHICH MEANS TEN MINUTES
TILL TOMORROW.

I GOT IT. I'LL BE RIGHT UP.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

TOM AND I ARE READING
THIS BOOK THAT SUGGESTS

COUPLES MAKE A PACT TO HAVE SEX
EVERY NIGHT FOR A MONTH.

LET ME GUESS.
WRITTEN BY A GUY?
WAS HIS NAME CARLOS SOLIS?

(chuckles) WE'VE BEEN
HAVING SOME PROBLEMS,

SO THE THEORY IS IT CREATES
INTIMACY AND BRINGS YOU CLOSER.

IS IT WORKING?

I'VE GOTTA SAY IT IS.

YOU BECOME MORE ATTUNED
TO EACH OTHER'S NEEDS

AND MORE SENSITIVE TO--
(Tom) LYNETTE!

JEEZ! TWO SECONDS!

WE--WE SHOULD GO.
NO, WE'RE IN OUR THIRD WEEK.
WE GOT THIS DOWN TO A SCIENCE.

JUST DEAL ME OUT A FEW HANDS.

(Gabrielle) JUANITA, HURRY UP.
THE BUS WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

BE RIGHT DOWN!

THERE'S AN EXTRA PIECE
OF CINNAMON TOAST ON THE TABLE.

NOT HUNGRY. BYE!

(door opens)

(door closes)

(engine idling)

(air hisses)

(door creaks)

SUSAN? IT'S DAVE.

HEY, REMEMBER I WAS
TELLING YOU ABOUT MY BUDDY

THAT OWNS THAT BOAT
ON BASS LAKE?

YEAH, WELL, HE'S NOT USING IT
THIS WEEKEND,

SO I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D TAKE
YOU AND M.J. FISHING.

YEAH,
I KNOW IT'S SHORT NOTICE,

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING TO THANK YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD TO ME
SINCE EDIE DIED.

PLUS I KNOW
M.J. WOULD LOVE IT.

GREAT. I'M REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

BYE.

(beep)

(vacuum whirring,
telephone rings)

(turns vacuum off)

(beep)
HELLO?

OH, HI, PRINCIPAL HARDY.
WHAT'S UP?

SHE'S WEARING WHAT?

NOW MARCH IN THERE
AND WIPE THAT STUFF OFF!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL.
YES, I DO.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW HUMILIATING IT WAS
FOR ME TO GET THAT CALL TODAY?

NOW EVERY PARENT IN TOWN
IS GONNA THINK

THAT I LET MY 6-YEAR-OLD
WEAR MAKEUP TO SCHOOL!

AND I WANT MY MAKEUP BACK.

IS IT IN HERE? (sighs)

WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS?

JUANITA.

I WAS TRYING TO LOOK
LIKE YOU.

WHY?

SOME GIRLS AT SCHOOL
SAW YOU PICK ME UP YESTERDAY

AND TOLD ME
I MUST BE ADOPTED.

THEY SAID I WASN'T PRETTY ENOUGH
TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER.

(sighs)

(groans)
HOW'S IT FEELING,
MRS. McCLUSKEY?

I-IT'S REALLY THROBBING.
OH, PLEASE HURRY.

OKAY.

(brakes squeal)

HI THERE.

JACKSON, HEY. YOU'RE BACK.

I NEEDED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?

I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU.

WELL, YOU DID.

AHEM.

OH, UH, RIGHT.

JACKSON, YOU REMEMBER
MRS. McCLUSKEY, DON'T YOU?

SURE. HOW ARE YOU,
MRS. McCLUSKEY?

OH, I'M IN AGONIZING PAIN.
THANKS FOR ASKING.

I'M TAKING HER TO THE DOCTOR

SO HE CAN PERFORM
A LITTLE PROCEDURE.

HE'S GONNA LANCE A BOIL
ON MY BACKSIDE.

IT MAY RUPTURE ANY SECOND.

OKAY.

I JUST HAD MY CAR DETAILED,
SO I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

NO PROBLEM.

UH, WHEN CAN I SEE YOU?

UM...

HOW ABOUT DINNER
TOMORROW NIGHT?

SOUNDS GREAT.

IF YOU TWO WANT
TO KEEP STARING AT EACH OTHER,

I CAN JUST GO LAY DOWN
ON THE LAWN AND DIE.

I DON'T MIND.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

(grunts)

(tires peal)

(knock on door)

KARL.

HEY, MIKE. HEARD M.J.'s
HAVING A SLEEPOVER.

I THOUGHT I'D HIT YOU UP
FOR AN INVITATION.

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD
FOR SLEEPOVERS?

CARDS ON THE TABLE.
I NEED YOUR HELP.

EVAN'S ONE OF THE ONLY BOYS
IN CLASS WHO WASN'T INVITED,

AND HE'S REALLY UPSET.

OKAY, CARDS ON THE TABLE.
M.J. SAYS EVAN'S A BULLY,

AND HE DOESN'T WANT HIM
AT HIS SLEEPOVER.

WELL, WHAT IF I PROMISE EVAN
WILL BE ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOR?

I'M SORRY. IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS.
M.J. FINALIZED HIS GUEST LIST.

WELL, I THINK
IF YOU CHECK THAT LIST AGAIN,

YOU'LL NOTICE EVAN'S NAME'S
ON THERE.

I'M M.J.'s DAD,

NOT HIS BOUNCER.

BUT...

THANKS.

HEY, HONEY.
HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

VERY EXCITING. JUST GOT BACK
FROM THE GROCERY STORE.

IT IS DOUBLE COUPON DAY,
SORTA LIKE THE OSCARS

AND THE SUPER BOWL
ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.

(laughs) DID YOU REMEMBER
TO GET MY, UM...

(lowered voice)
MY SPECIAL DEODORANT?

I SURE DID. (chuckles)

MILADY'S ARMPITS
WILL BE ALUMINUM-FREE.

HOW IS YOUR DAY?
I'm totally slammed,
which is why I'm calling.

IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA
BE HERE LATE TONIGHT,

AND BY "LATE,"
I MEAN PAST MIDNIGHT.

WAIT. W-WHAT ABOUT OUR PACT?

WE'LL... DOUBLE UP TOMORROW.
LYNETTE, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS ALL DAY.

I KNOW, AND I'M REALLY SORRY.
LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.

I WILL CALL YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU. BYE. (kisses)
(beep)

(sighs)
(beep)

TOM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WELL,
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING...

HERE?
(locks door)

OH, NO.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

CRAZY ABOUT YOU, BABY.

BUT I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO,

AND I'M NOT GONNA BE DONE
TILL 2:00 A.M.

POSSIBLY 3:00.

WHOO!
COME ON. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
REMEMBER WHAT THE BOOK SAID?

EVERY NIGHT, NO MATTER WHAT.

(grunts)
NO, THIS IS
A REALLY BAD TIME FOR ME.

MM.

WELL, YOU DID BUY ME
THAT DEODORANT. OOH!

MMM.

MMM.
(beep)

(woman) Lynette,
I have Carlos on line two.

UH, TELL HIM
I'LL CALL RIGHT BACK.

MM.

He says it's really important.

HELLO?

Hey, Lynette. I'm over here
at Capital Consultants,

AND THE GUYS HAVE A QUESTION.

I NEED YOU TO PULL UP
THEIR ACCOUNT.
Now? I'm kind of busy!

WELL, THE AD HAS TO BE
AT THE PRINTER'S BY NOON,

so yeah, now.
MWAH. MMM.

(moaning)

(giggles)
(Tom panting)

LYNETTE?

LYNETTE!

Yes?

WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU ALL RIGHT?

SORRY. JUST HAD THE HANDYMAN
IN HERE, BUT HE'S FINISHED.

Thank you, handyman.

(Tom) You're welcome, ma'am.

So... Carlos...

WHERE WERE WE?

COULD I GET YOU SOMETHING?
NO, THANKS, I DON'T DRINK.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

GLUG GLUG. I REMEMBER NOW.

I'M BRINGING YOU BUSINESS, KARL.
TRY NOT TO INSULT ME.

SORRY.

SO YOU WANT
TO DIVORCE ORSON.

YES, I KNOW
THAT COMES AS A SURPRISE.

NOT REALLY. I'VE MET HIM.

THE GUY'S A STIFF.

KARL, IF WE MOVE FORWARD,

I WILL INSIST YOU HANDLE
OUR DIVORCE WITH DIGNITY.

(sets pen down)

ARE YOU SURE?

I DON'T KNOW OF A DIGNIFIED WAY
TO SCREW A SPOUSE OUT OF MONEY

THAT THEY, BY LAW,
ARE ENTITLED TO.

THAT IS WHY YOU'RE HIRING ME,
RIGHT?

I JUST WANT TO PROTECT
WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

(ice cubes rattling)
SURE.

LOVELY.

I'LL MAKE OUT A CHECK.
YEAH, NOT SO FAST.

UH, I SAID I COULD DO IT,
NOT THAT I WOULD.

I NEED A FAVOR.

WELL, WHAT KIND OF A FAVOR?

M.J. DELFINO IS HAVING

A SLEEPOVER AT HIS HOUSE
IN TWO DAYS.

MY SON WASN'T INVITED.
NOW HIS FEELINGS ARE HURT.

SO?

SO I WANT YOU TO GET MY SON
INTO THAT SLEEPOVER.

HOW WOULD I GO ABOUT
DOING THAT?

GOSH, I DON'T KNOW.

HOW WOULD I GO ABOUT HIDING
YOUR ASSETS FROM ORSON?

I NEED YOUR HELP, KARL.
I REALLY DO,

BUT I AM NOT COMFORTABLE
MANIPULATING A 6-YEAR-OLD.

MM-HMM. YOU KNOW,
I HAD THIS ONE CLIENT...

HIS WIFE HAD BEEN WITH HIM
SINCE JUNIOR HIGH.

SHE SUPPORTED HIM
THROUGH MED SCHOOL,

GAVE HIM THREE KIDS
AND THE BEST YEARS OF HER LIFE.

ONCE I HAD DONE MY PARTICULAR
BRAND OF LEGAL MAGIC,

HE ENDED UP
WITH 90% OF THE MONEY,

AND SHE ENDED UP
IN A STUDIO APARTMENT...

WITH A ROOMMATE.

THEN AGAIN...

M.J. DOES...

LOVE MY MACAROONS.

SWEETIE, DON'T LISTEN
TO THOSE KIDS. THEY'RE IDIOTS.

YOU ARE A GORGEOUS LITTLE GIRL.
YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT.
YOU'RE MY DAD.

NO, IT'S THE TRUTH.
YOU ARE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL.

MAKEUP JUST COVERS THAT UP.
HE'S RIGHT, SWEETIE. YOU DON'T
NEED ALL THAT GUNK ON YOUR FACE.

THEN WHY DO YOU WEAR IT?
BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT.

AND BESIDES,
I HARDLY WEAR ANY.

COME ON, GABY.
LET'S TRY TO KEEP THIS REAL.

ARE YOU GONNA WEAR MAKEUP
WHEN DADDY GETS HIS BIG AWARD?

WELL, IT'S A BIG, FANCY DINNER.
OF COURSE.

BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
SWEETIE, YOU'RE 6.

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS
I CAN DO THAT YOU DON'T.

SO YOU GET TO LOOK PRETTY
AT DADDY'S PARTY,

AND I HAVE
TO LOOK LIKE THIS?

HEY, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.
OKAY, SEE? YOUR DADDY'S
GOT A GREAT IDEA.

HOW ABOUT IF NEITHER ONE OF YOU
WEARS MAKEUP TO THE DINNER?

OKAY.
(chuckles)

NO, NO, NO.
YOUR DADDY'S JUST BEING SILLY.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND,
SILLY DADDY?

(lowers voice) ARE YOU
A LUNATIC? I AM NOT WALKING

INTO A BALLROOM FULL OF PEOPLE
WITHOUT MY FACE ON.
COME ON. THIS IS
THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

TO TEACH HER
THAT BEAUTY'S ONLY SKIN DEEP.

YEAH, WELL, ONCE YOU SEE
THIS SKIN WITHOUT FOUNDATION,

YOU MAY WANT TO RETHINK THAT.
GABY, YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN PAIN.
AND DON'T YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH

TO PUT YOUR VANITY ASIDE
FOR ONE NIGHT?

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 20 HOURS.
SHE STILL OWES ME FOR THAT!

(scoffs) FINE.

I WILL MAKE
THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE,

AND I WILL BE UGLY
FOR MY DAUGHTER.

BUT IF SHE EVER NEEDS
A KIDNEY...

(sighs)

WOW. YOU'RE REALLY GOING ALL OUT
ON THIS SLEEPOVER.

(chuckles)
ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE

THAT TONS OF SUGAR AND WHISTLES
ARE A GOOD COMBINATION.

OH, GOOD POINT.

I'LL MAKE US SOME GOODY BAGS
FILLED WITH EARPLUGS AND VODKA.

IT'S GREAT. I'M SURE
M.J. WILL APPRECIATE IT.

I'M SURE HE WILL.

HE'S A GREAT KID...

AND FUNNY.

(laughs) THAT WAS HILARIOUS
THE OTHER DAY,

WHEN HE ASKED US
WHEN WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.
I'M GLAD
YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

I WAS TAP-DANCING
MY ASS OFF.

NO, YOU WERE GREAT.

ALTHOUGH...

SOMEDAY YOU'LL PROBABLY HAVE
TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.

I'M SURE HE'S FORGOTTEN
BY NOW. YOU KNOW KIDS.

KIDS ARE LIKE THAT.

GROWN-UPS
ON THE OTHER HAND...

NOT SO MUCH.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT M.J.
ANYMORE, ARE WE?

OH, YOU WANT TO GO RUN
AND GET YOUR TAP SHOES?

NO. NO.
I'LL BE COMPLETELY HONEST HERE.

MOVING IN WITH YOU IS

ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS
I EVER MADE.
(chuckles)

YOU MAKE ME
REALLY, REALLY HAPPY.

BUT?

I'VE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE,

AND I JUST DON'T SEE MYSELF
GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.

OKAY.

PROBABLY NOT
WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR.

I WANTED THE TRUTH.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
THE TRUTH SUCKS.

SO COULD YOU GET THE STREAMERS
OUT OF THE CAR?

SURE.

OH, BY THE WAY,

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,

I DO LOVE YOU.

(toots)

I'VE ONLY BEEN WORKING THERE
TWO MONTHS, BUT I LOVE IT.

AND THE KIDS ARE SO CUTE.

AND I GET TO SEE M.J.
DURING THE DAY, WHICH IS NICE.

UH, YOU KNOW, UH,

FOR A GUY THAT JUST HAD
TO SEE ME SO BAD,

YOU... YOU SEEM
AWFULLY FAR AWAY.

I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I HAVE SOMETHING...

TO ASK YOU, AND I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU'RE GONNA REACT.

WHAT IS IT?

OH.

THIS IS GONNA
COME OUT OF NOWHERE, BUT...

I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.

A-AND HERE'S HOW I CAME TO THIS.
THE OTHER DAY...
(gasps)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS.

NOW?

(crying)

SUSAN, ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M FINE. I JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO SEE ME CRYING.

HONEY,
YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

OH, I'M SORRY.

JUST, UM,

ALL THESE MONTHS,

I'VE BEEN TELLING MYSELF THAT
I DIDN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU,

WHICH WAS EASY TO DO
BECAUSE YOU LEFT SO SUDDENLY.

BUT I AM SO LONELY.

AND AS MUCH AS I TELL MYSELF

THAT I LIKE BEING THE STRONG,
SINGLE WOMAN ON HER OWN,

THE TRUTH IS,

I THINK ABOUT YOU
ALL THE TIME.

AND I WANTED TO CALL YOU,

BUT I THOUGHT
YOU'D GOTTEN OVER ME.

AND TO HEAR
THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME...

THAT IS JUST SOMETHING

THAT I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR
RIGHT NOW.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW--

OH, GOD. I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I LOVE YOU, TOO.

JACKSON...

I LOVE YOU.

(gasps)

(panting)

JACKSON?

OH, GOD.

I REALLY WISH
YOU'D LET ME FINISH.

FINISH WHAT?

SUSAN,
I NEED YOU TO MARRY ME

SO THAT IMMIGRATION DOESN'T
DEPORT ME BACK TO CANADA.

AND THE ONE THING
I DIDN'T TELL YOU IS THAT

I'M HERE ON A STUDENT VISA
THAT EXPIRED SIX YEARS AGO,

AND I GOT A CALL
FROM THE AUTHORITIES,

SO UNLESS I CAN FIND SOMEBODY
THAT WILL MARRY ME,

I'M GONNA BE
IN REALLY BIG TROUBLE.

SUSAN?

SUSAN, DID YOU HEAR ME?

I HEARD.

SO...

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OKAY. OKAY,
IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

GET OUT OR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS
BACK TO THE CANADIAN BORDER!

(thud)
OW!

(door opens and closes)
(pants)

TOOK A SHOWER,
BRUSHED MY TEETH.

WE ARE GOOD TO GO.

MMM.

LYNETTE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOW, THE PACT.

OH.

DIDN'T WE ALREADY DO IT
TONIGHT?

(chuckles) NO.

OH, THEY'RE ALL STARTING
TO BLUR.
(moans)

LOOK, I WORKED TILL 3:00 A.M.
LAST NIGHT.

I'M EXHAUSTED. HOW ABOUT
WE TAKE A RAIN CHECK?

A RAIN CHECK?
MM.

THIS ISN'T BASEBALL.

EVERY NIGHT FOR 30 DAYS--
THAT'S THE LAW.

TOM,
I HAVE A 7:00 A.M. MEETING.

HOW ABOUT
I TAKE A LONG LUNCH,

AND YOU DO ME TWICE AT WORK
TOMORROW?

COME ON.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

WE'LL HAVE SEX.

BUT CAN YOU MAKE IT QUICK?

LYNETTE, PLEASE.

YOU CAN'T RUSH AN ARTIST.

MMM.

MMM.

(moaning)

(snoring)

MORNING. OH, SORRY. I DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST.

(dishes clatter)
GOOD.
I DIDN'T MAKE YOU ANY.

OH, OKAY.
UH, COFFEE WILL BE FINE.

BEANS ARE RIGHT THERE.
GRAB A HANDFUL AND GRIND.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

LAST NIGHT,
WE WERE HAVING SEX?

YOU FELL ASLEEP?

AFTER?

DURING.

OH.

WAS IT GOOD? (chuckles)

I DIDN'T FINISH.

GOD, YOU RUINED OUR STREAK,
LYNETTE.

I'M SORRY. I WAS EXHAUSTED.

IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS
ASKING YOU TO SCRUB A FLOOR.

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS
LIE THERE, LIKE YOU USUALLY DO.

OH, OKAY. I'M GONNA LET THAT ONE
GO, 'CAUSE YOU'RE UPSET.

WELL, IT'S TRUE.

WITH YOU BEING SO TIRED
FROM WORK LATELY,

I'M THE ONE DOING
ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING.

TOM, YOU'RE BEING
COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL.

WE'VE HAD SEX
23 DAYS STRAIGHT.

I'VE SEEN MORE CEILING
THAN MICHELANGELO.
WE MADE A COMMITMENT, LYNETTE.
THE BOOK SAYS--

OH, WOULD YOU STOP
WITH THE BOOK?

YOU BOUGHT IT AT A CAR WASH

ALONG WITH A PACK OF GUM
AND AN AIR FRESHENER.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S STUPID.
ALL MY IDEAS ARE STUPID.

I SHOULD JUST STICK
TO DOING CHORES.
DON'T JUST WALK AWAY.

YOU BETTER GET TO WORK, LYNETTE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

HEY. HAVEN'T SEEN YOU BOYS
IN A WHILE.

THERE'S BEEN A BREAK IN THE CLUB
FIRE CASE, MR. WILLIAMS.

YOU GOT A MINUTE?

(Detective Collins)
DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

NO. WHO IS HE?

DR. SAMUEL HELLER,
PSYCHIATRIST FROM BOSTON.

HE'S THE GUY WHO BURNED UP
IN THE FIRE.

WHAT'S A SHRINK FROM BOSTON
DOING IN FAIRVIEW?

NO IDEA,
BUT WE'D LIKE TO FIND OUT

IF ANYONE KNOWS HIM
OR WHAT HE WAS DOING THERE.

DID YOU SEE HIM BACKSTAGE?
NO, I DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY.

EXCEPT PORTER SCAVO.

YEAH, BUT I TOLD YOU.
THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

DO YOU KNOW A GUY NAMED
JACKSON BRADDOCK?

HE WAS BACKSTAGE.
WAS HE?

YEAH, HE GOT LOCKED
IN THE EMPLOYEE MEN'S ROOM

RIGHT BEFORE
THE FIRE STARTED.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM?
WE'VE BEEN TRYING,

BUT HE LEFT TOWN, AND WE'VE BEEN
UNABLE TO FIND HIM.

THAT'S A SHAME.
WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

YOU BET.

(beep)

(dials)

(door closes)

HEY, SUSAN. IT'S DAVE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING
I'D PICK UP YOU AND M.J.

AROUND 6:00 A.M. SATURDAY
FOR THE TRIP.

YEAH. I FIGURED THE EARLIER
WE GET GOING, THE BETTER.

OKAY.

(beep)

WELL, HELLO THERE, M.J.

I WAS BAKING THIS MORNING,
AND LIKE AN IDIOT,

I MADE TOO MANY MACAROONS.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING
TO TAKE ONE?

I WOULD HATE TO SEE THEM
GO TO WASTE.
MACAROONS ARE MY FAVORITE.

OH, REALLY?
WHAT A DELIGHTFUL COINCIDENCE.

YOU KNOW, I COULD BAKE THESE
FOR YOU EVERY WEEK,

AND ALL I'D NEED IN RETURN IS
JUST THE TINIEST OF FAVORS.

WHAT KIND OF FAVOR?

INVITE EVAN MAYER
TO YOUR SLEEPOVER.

I DON'T LIKE EVAN.
HE'S MEAN.

OH, NO.

DEEP DOWN,
HE'S JUST A FRAGILE LITTLE BOY

WHO WANTS TO BE LIKED.

HE HIT ME
WITH A DEAD SQUIRREL.

NOW, M.J., WE CAN FIND FAULTS
WITH ALL OUR FRIENDS

IF WE NITPICK.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WILL YOU INVITE HIM?

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE CREAM
WITH YOUR MACAROONS?

BECAUSE I COULD MAKE THAT
HAPPEN.

BREE?

I'M LATE FOR MY GOLF GAME.

I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO GO TO THE A.T.M.,

SO I TOOK THE CASH
OUT OF YOUR WALLET.

BYE.

(sighs)

M.J.,
THERE'S SOMEONE IN MY LIFE

WHO HITS ME
WITH A DEAD SQUIRREL

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN HELP ME.

PLEASE, PLEASE INVITE EVAN
TO YOUR PARTY.

OKAY.

(whispers) THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

BOY, THE STUFF I DO
FOR MACAROONS.

(doorbell rings)

GO AWAY! I-I DON'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.

COME ON. LET ME IN.

THANKS, BUT I'VE REACHED
MY MAXIMUM ALLOWANCE

FOR HUMILIATION THIS WEEK.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS A REAL PROPOSAL.

I THOUGHT YOU KNEW
I'D MOVED ON.

MAXIMUM ALLOWANCE EXCEEDED.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE. YOU HAVE
EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD AT ME.

OH, I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.

YOU KNOW, I'M JUST
DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF.

I WAS A LITTLE LONELY
AND A LITTLE AFRAID

AND... I JUST DID
WHAT I ALWAYS DO--

LET SOME SILLY ROMANTIC FANTASY
TAKE OVER.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU STILL FELT
THAT WAY ABOUT ME.

I DON'T.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

NOT REALLY.

AND BESIDES, YOU MOVED ON.

WELL, I HAD TO.

YOU PUSHED ME AWAY.

I HAD TO... HEAL MY HEART
AND GET OVER IT.

THIS--I MEAN, THIS IS REALLY
THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO

TO STAY HERE
AND DO YOUR WORK?

YEAH.

I'LL HELP YOU.

REALLY?

YEAH.
(sets flowers down)

I'LL DO IT. BUT THAT'S IT.

NO LOVE, NO SEX, JUST...

MARRIAGE.

NO SEX?

YOU WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THIS
IS A REAL MARRIAGE, DON'T YOU?

(indistinct conversations)

GABY, COME ON.

FOR GOD SAKES, WILL YOU TAKE
THOSE OFF? IT'S 8:00 AT NIGHT.

OH, FINE. AS LONG AS YOU
DON'T MIND PEOPLE THINKING

YOU'RE OUT ON THE TOWN WITH
YOUR ANEMIC LESBIAN SISTER.

THERE'S OUR MAN OF HONOR.
(chuckles)

(chuckles)
GABY, THIS IS STEPHANIE.

SHE PUT THIS WHOLE BANQUET
TOGETHER.
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHY I LOOK LIKE THIS.
EXCUSE ME?

I'M NOT ILL.
I'M JUST NOT WEARING ANY MAKEUP

SO I CAN TEACH MY DAUGHTER THAT
BEAUTY'S WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE.

I DON'T ACTUALLY LOOK
THIS HIDEOUS.

OKAY.

WILL YOU PLEASE
STOP EXPLAINING YOURSELF?

I MEAN, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH
WHEN YOU DID IT WITH THE VALET.
I CAN'T HELP IT.

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKING
I CONDONE THIS FACE.

I'M GONNA GO FIND OUR TABLE.

CHAMPAGNE?

OH, THANK YOU.

I'M NOT ILL. I'M JUST
NOT WEARING ANY MAKEUP.
(Carlos) GABY!

GOTTA GO.

(party favors honk,
children shouting)

COME ON, GUYS.
NO RUNNING IN THE HOUSE.

THESE CANDY APPLES ARE GREAT.

CAN ME AND EVAN
HAVE ANOTHER ONE?

WELL,
I BETTER ASK KATHERINE.

WHERE IS KATHERINE?

HEY.
YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE FUN.

I JUST GOT A CANDIED APPLE
OUT OF A KID'S HAIR.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL.

NO, COME ON DOWN.

IT'S NOT AS MUCH FUN
WITHOUT YOU.

OKAY.

YOU WERE HONEST WITH ME,
SO I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I GOT SCARED.

OF WHAT?

I WAS HOSTING A PARTY
WITH THIS AMAZING MAN

AND HIS ADORABLE SON,

AND WE WERE LIKE
THE PERFECT FAMILY,

AND THEN I REALIZED...

WE'RE NOT A FAMILY.

IT COULD ALL GO AWAY
IN AN INSTANT.

KATHERINE, I'M NOT LEAVING.

BUT YOU'RE NOT COMMITTING
EITHER.

WHY NOT, MIKE?

IS IT SUSAN?

YOU STILL IN LOVE WITH HER?

NO.

NO, I'VE TOLD YOU THAT.

THEN IT MUST BE ME.

KATHERINE, I LOVE
HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE.

I'M JUST NOT READY.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

I'M NOT TRYING TO GET YOU
TO SAY ANYTHING.

I JUST HAVE
TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

(crash and laughter)

I SHOULD PROBABLY GO MAKE SURE
THE FIRST FLOOR IS STILL THERE.

EXCUSE ME.
THE MAYOR'S ABOUT TO LEAVE,

AND THE NEWSPAPER WANTS A PHOTO
WITH HIM AND YOUR FAMILY.

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
(chuckles)

TELL HIM NO WAY IN HELL.
TELL HIM
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

THE NEWSPAPER? FORGET IT.

GABY, I DO BUSINESS
WITH THE CITY.

I CAN'T JUST BLOW OFF
THE MAYOR.
SERIOUSLY, WE CANNOT ALLOW THIS
TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED.

NEXT TIME
THERE'S AN EPIDEMIC,

PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK
I'M PATIENT ZERO.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING
OUT OF THIS.

FINE.

BUT JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, YOU'RE
ALSO LATINO JERK OF THE YEAR.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

OH, CAN I AT LEAST
USE THE BATHROOM FIRST?

(sighs)

LADIES! ATTENTION, PLEASE.

I AM IN A JAM, AND I NEED
LIPSTICK AND EYELINER.

COME ON. CHOP CHOP.

YOU CAN USE MY MAKEUP.

OH, THAT DOESN'T REALLY GO
WITH MY SKIN TONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE HAVE THE SAME COLORING.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T REALLY GO
WITH YOUR SKIN TONE EITHER,

BUT I CAN ONLY DEAL
WITH ONE DISASTER AT A TIME.

OOH. ASIAN GIRL.
CLOSE ENOUGH.

UM, I DON'T THINK SO.

UGH. WAS IT THE "CHOP CHOP"
THING? FINE. I'M SORRY.

NOW CAN I BORROW SOME BLUSH?

I DON'T SHARE COSMETICS.
I'M SORT OF A GERM FREAK.

OH, DON'T WORRY.
I'M AS HEALTHY AS A HORSE.
REALLY? YOU LOOK SICK.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE
ANY MAKEUP!

I SAID NO.
NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

OKAY, OKAY, LOOK.
I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE ASKED.
(gasps)

OH.

OH! HEY!

COME OUT NOW,
OR I'LL CALL SECURITY!

YOU KNOW, FOR A WOMAN WHO HAS
A PURSE FULL OF DINNER ROLLS,

YOU SURE HAVE
A LOT OF ATTITUDE.

OH, GOOD. WE'RE ALL HERE.

BY THE WAY, MRS. SOLIS,
YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.

THANK YOU.

YEAH, MOM. YOU LOOK GREAT.

OKAY, BIG SMILES, EVERYONE.

(camera shutter snaps)

SEE THIS?

MY THIRD ESPRESSO.
(thud)

I'M WIRED. NO WAY
I'M FALLING ASLEEP TONIGHT.

HEY.

HOW ABOUT WE THROW A PIZZA
ON THE FRONT LAWN,

AND WHEN THE KIDS
RUN OUT TO GET IT,

WE LOCK THE DOOR AND DO IT
IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE?

TOM, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

IF YOU WANNA STAY MAD,
I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA STAY MAD.

(sighs)

I AM NOT MAD, LYNETTE.

THEN WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU'RE GONNA THINK
IT'S STUPID.

TELL ME.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SEX

HAS BECOME SO IMPORTANT
TO ME LATELY?

BECAUSE YOU ARE
THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE

THAT I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

NO. NO, IT'S NOT GOOD, LYNETTE--
NOT FOR ME, NOT FOR YOU.

I...

I NEED SOMETHING ELSE
TO BE EXCITED ABOUT.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO DO THIS,
TO TAKE A BREAK AND STAY HOME.

I DID. YOU KNOW, I FIGURED,
THE KIDS ARE GROWN...

I CAN TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE
AND THE ERRANDS,

AND IT'LL BE EASY,
AND IT IS.

IT'S TOO DAMN EASY.

I AM FINISHED WITH MY WORK
BY NOON,

AND THEN I JUST SIT AROUND,

WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME.

SO...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? HMM?

WHAT ARE YOU
PASSIONATE ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M A MIDDLE-AGED GUY,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS STUPID.

NO.

NO.

HEY.

I KNOW I DISAPPOINTED YOU
TONIGHT, AND I'M REALLY SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW WHY YOU DID IT.

I NEED MAKEUP, TOO.

HONEY, I KNOW
YOU THINK BEING PRETTY

SEEMS LIKE THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW,

BUT BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT.

YOU WERE A MODEL.

(sighs)

YES, I WAS.

AND MY WHOLE LIFE,

PEOPLE TOLD ME
HOW PRETTY I WAS.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEVER THOUGHT
I HAD TO WORK HARD IN SCHOOL

OR WORK ON FRIENDSHIPS

OR MY PERSONALITY--
NONE OF IT.

AND THEN I STOPPED MODELING,

AND I REALIZED I DIDN'T HAVE
MUCH ON THE INSIDE.

AND I DON'T WANT THAT
FOR YOU.

I WANT YOU TO BE BRAVE
AND FUNNY AND CREATIVE...

TO BE MORE
THAN JUST A SHELL.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE
THE WHOLE RICH, GOOEY CENTER.

WILL YOU PROMISE TO DO THAT
FOR YOURSELF?

OKAY.

(kisses)

WHEN DO I GET TO WEAR MAKEUP?

I TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU CAN WEAR MAKEUP

THE DAY YOU REALIZE
YOU DON'T REALLY NEED IT.

HEY.

I BOUGHT M.J.
A FISHING POLE.

I FIGURE I'D TEACH
THE LITTLE GUY HOW TO CAST

BEFORE WE HIT THE WATER.
OH, MY GOD. WE'RE NOT GONNA BE
ABLE TO MAKE IT THIS WEEKEND.

I'M KIND OF...

(sighs)
GETTING MARRIED.

WHAT? (chuckles)

TO WHO?

(Jackson) DAVE WILLIAMS.

I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU
OUT HERE.

JACKSON.
(chuckles)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS
OUT OF THE PICTURE, I'M BACK.
(chuckles)

SINCE YOU HELD UP
YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN,

I'M GOING TO HOLD UP MINE.

I'M GONNA MAKE SURE THAT YOU
WALK AWAY FROM THIS MARRIAGE

WITH YOUR BUSINESS
AND YOUR ASSETS INTACT.

NOW TO ACCOMPLISH THIS,

I MAY NEED YOU TO LIE,
STONEWALL,

EVEN RESORT
TO SOME OUTRIGHT TRICKERY.

MY QUESTION IS...

WILL YOU BE UP FOR THAT?

I USED TO THINK OF MYSELF
AS A GOOD PERSON.

IF I HAD A CHOICE, I WOULD
ALWAYS CHOOSE THE HIGH ROAD.

LATELY I'VE BEGUN
TO REALIZE THAT, UM...

I'M CAPABLE OF DOING
WHATEVER NEEDS TO BE DONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MAKES YOU?

THE PERFECT CLIENT.

(chuckles)

ON THIS STREET,

THE BARGAINING IS FINISHED
BY SUNDOWN...

A DAUGHTER AGREES
TO GO TO BED EARLY

IF HER MOTHER LETS HER DRESS UP
IN HER OLD GOWNS...

A WOMAN AGREES TO LET
HER FIANCé SPEND THE NIGHT

IF HE'LL AGREE
TO SLEEP ON THE SOFA...

A MAN ALLOWS HIS LOVER
TO GET CLOSE

AS LONG AS THEY DON'T DISCUSS
THE FUTURE.

YES, EVERYONE KNOWS HOW
TO BARGAIN ON WISTERIA LANE...

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP
SO LATE?

WELL, I HAVE
A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

I'LL MAKE YOU BREAKFAST
IN THE MORNING

IF YOU MAKE LOVE TO ME
TONIGHT.

WHY NOT?

BUT SOMETIMES...

THEY GET MORE THAN
THEY BARGAINED FOR.