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1
00:00:03,062 --> 00:00:04,169
- Hi.
- Hi!
2
00:00:04,321 --> 00:00:05,838
Um, can I get two blueberry muffins,
3
00:00:05,989 --> 00:00:07,247
one banana, one chocolate chip?
4
00:00:07,399 --> 00:00:11,068
Actually, our regular
baker Phil is on vacation,
5
00:00:11,161 --> 00:00:13,012
so we don't have our usual variety.
6
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:17,165
We do, however, have our
usual variety of smiles.
7
00:00:17,254 --> 00:00:19,070
There's a Starbucks on the corner.
8
00:00:19,090 --> 00:00:22,149
You can order on your
phone and talk to no one.
9
00:00:22,167 --> 00:00:24,593
Uh, what kinds of muffins do you have?
10
00:00:25,912 --> 00:00:27,579
Uh... brown?
11
00:00:27,698 --> 00:00:30,507
All right, I'll take four brown muffins.
12
00:00:30,601 --> 00:00:33,084
Oh, great! Regular or extra crispy?
13
00:00:33,162 --> 00:00:35,920
Trick question, because
we only have one kind
14
00:00:35,940 --> 00:00:37,664
and it's not the one you want.
15
00:00:37,683 --> 00:00:40,692
You can literally see
the Starbucks from here.
16
00:00:41,761 --> 00:00:42,778
Thanks a lot, Mother.
17
00:00:42,855 --> 00:00:43,855
Here.
18
00:00:43,856 --> 00:00:45,096
Don't break a tooth.
19
00:00:45,783 --> 00:00:47,691
Oh, look! Phil just
sent me some pictures
20
00:00:47,843 --> 00:00:50,344
- of him and Jalen in Tahiti!
- Ooh!
21
00:00:50,437 --> 00:00:52,270
Look how happy they are.
22
00:00:52,289 --> 00:00:53,771
Lying on the beach,
23
00:00:53,866 --> 00:00:55,440
tropical drinks in their hands.
24
00:00:55,459 --> 00:00:59,777
Well, at least we still
have January in Kentucky.
25
00:00:59,797 --> 00:01:03,190
You go ahead and write me that ticket!
26
00:01:03,208 --> 00:01:04,782
I'm-a file it in the trash,
27
00:01:04,802 --> 00:01:08,804
right next to my jury
summons and my tax bill!
28
00:01:11,124 --> 00:01:13,142
Hey. What y'all doin'?
29
00:01:13,369 --> 00:01:17,537
- Uh, hi. Uh, I'm just living my...
- Oh, shut your smile hole.
30
00:01:17,556 --> 00:01:20,649
Now, I'm gonna need an apron,
directions to the kitchen
31
00:01:20,876 --> 00:01:22,392
and, after my coffee kicks in,
32
00:01:22,544 --> 00:01:26,804
I'm gonna need about ten minutes
in the bathroom by myself.
33
00:01:26,899 --> 00:01:29,658
Um, uh, uh, wh-who exactly are you?
34
00:01:29,735 --> 00:01:30,975
Lurlene Crumpler.
35
00:01:31,069 --> 00:01:32,310
Phil's mama!
36
00:01:32,329 --> 00:01:33,904
Wow!
37
00:01:34,072 --> 00:01:36,056
It is so nice to meet you!
38
00:01:36,549 --> 00:01:39,150
But, um, I'm confused...
why do you need an apron?
39
00:01:39,244 --> 00:01:40,911
My Phil is on vacation.
40
00:01:41,085 --> 00:01:44,661
It's Crumpler custom to do his
work for him while he's gone.
41
00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,571
I do it for all my kin.
42
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:50,175
Shoot, that's how I
learnt to dance on a pole.
43
00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:59,042
All right, y'all! Here we go!
44
00:01:59,103 --> 00:02:00,827
Who's ready for a muffin?
45
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,179
I've got butter, buttercream,
46
00:02:03,274 --> 00:02:04,831
butter-free and possum.
47
00:02:05,324 --> 00:02:06,500
I'm just kidding.
48
00:02:06,518 --> 00:02:08,092
There ain't no butter-free.
49
00:02:08,112 --> 00:02:09,278
Uh...
50
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:12,764
Wow, these smell amazing, Mrs. Crumpler,
51
00:02:12,783 --> 00:02:16,343
but I'm kind of on a
gluten reset right now.
52
00:02:17,195 --> 00:02:18,787
Yeah, I'll take a buttercream.
53
00:02:18,938 --> 00:02:21,272
- You're damn right you will, string bean.
- Mm.
54
00:02:21,292 --> 00:02:24,108
None of you look like
you've eaten since July.
55
00:02:24,202 --> 00:02:26,036
Except for this sturdy one.
56
00:02:26,130 --> 00:02:27,370
When the world goes to hell,
57
00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:30,299
we keep you around to pull the plow.
58
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:31,750
Oh, my gosh.
59
00:02:31,802 --> 00:02:34,285
These are amazing. Our
customers are gonna love these.
60
00:02:34,379 --> 00:02:36,138
No kidding. These are better than sex.
61
00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:38,390
And look who I have sex with.
62
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:41,476
- What's your secret?
- Uh-uh.
63
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:44,704
My Phil always says, "Never
ask a Crumpler for a recipe,
64
00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:48,208
their address or what side
of the war they fought on."
65
00:02:48,477 --> 00:02:50,977
We might be eating Confederate muffins.
66
00:02:51,146 --> 00:02:54,497
I don't give a damn. If you
don't want yours, I'll take it.
67
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,333
What is with all these cats?
68
00:02:57,486 --> 00:02:58,761
Do y'all have a rat problem?
69
00:02:58,837 --> 00:03:01,488
You know, it's a good thing
I brought my indoor gun.
70
00:03:01,506 --> 00:03:04,007
Oh, no, Mrs. Crumpler, uh, no guns.
71
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,434
We're a rescue café.
72
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,327
The cats are here because we love them.
73
00:03:07,345 --> 00:03:09,772
- Actually...
- Eh.
74
00:03:09,831 --> 00:03:11,255
Shoot 'em, Lurlene.
75
00:03:11,349 --> 00:03:14,184
You know, y'all can call me "Mama,"
76
00:03:14,336 --> 00:03:17,003
just like my little Philliam does.
77
00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:19,114
- Philliam?
- Well, that's his given name.
78
00:03:19,411 --> 00:03:20,927
It was supposed to be William,
79
00:03:21,063 --> 00:03:22,354
but his daddy was pretty drunk
80
00:03:22,581 --> 00:03:24,338
when he filled out
the birth certificate.
81
00:03:24,358 --> 00:03:26,173
Been there.
82
00:03:26,193 --> 00:03:27,751
So, Abercrombie and Fitch,
83
00:03:27,769 --> 00:03:30,420
I'm gonna need some help
on my farm while I'm gone.
84
00:03:30,513 --> 00:03:31,755
Y'all know anything about animals?
85
00:03:31,848 --> 00:03:35,201
I know about animals
'cause I run a bar, so...
86
00:03:35,351 --> 00:03:37,410
I'm kinda the funny one here.
87
00:03:40,766 --> 00:03:43,099
All right, so we have, uh,
88
00:03:43,268 --> 00:03:45,602
Barbra and... Liza.
89
00:03:45,662 --> 00:03:48,547
- I'm guessing Phil named them.
- Mm-hmm.
90
00:03:48,698 --> 00:03:51,716
So, Mama says we need
to feed 'em and milk 'em.
91
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:54,535
All right. I'll feed 'em, you milk 'em.
92
00:03:54,629 --> 00:03:56,112
So, what do you think they eat?
93
00:03:56,131 --> 00:03:59,206
According to the Chick-fil-A
signs, they like chicken.
94
00:04:00,452 --> 00:04:01,726
Howdy, Liza.
95
00:04:02,729 --> 00:04:04,545
I'm going to need your verbal consent
96
00:04:04,639 --> 00:04:06,456
before I milk your teats.
97
00:04:08,235 --> 00:04:09,901
All right, let's party.
98
00:04:10,053 --> 00:04:12,964
Okay, seriously, what do cows eat?
99
00:04:12,964 --> 00:04:13,964
- Hay.
- What?
100
00:04:13,965 --> 00:04:14,965
That's what they eat.
101
00:04:14,966 --> 00:04:16,132
- What?
- Hay.
102
00:04:16,151 --> 00:04:17,391
Fine. If you don't want to tell me,
103
00:04:17,485 --> 00:04:19,536
I'm-a just feed 'em this grass.
104
00:04:20,914 --> 00:04:23,898
Now, I assume this one's
chocolate, this one's vanilla
105
00:04:23,917 --> 00:04:25,566
and this one's strawberry.
106
00:04:25,586 --> 00:04:28,328
Ooh, I hope the last one is swirl.
107
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,147
Check it out! Got milk?
108
00:04:35,244 --> 00:04:36,319
Hold on.
109
00:04:36,338 --> 00:04:38,263
Is there something
wrong with your mouth?
110
00:04:38,490 --> 00:04:40,156
There must be,
111
00:04:40,175 --> 00:04:42,100
because I know there's
nothing wrong with this muffin.
112
00:04:42,251 --> 00:04:43,676
Oh, it's good. I'm just full.
113
00:04:43,770 --> 00:04:45,845
This muffin was made with a mama's love.
114
00:04:45,997 --> 00:04:49,499
You either eat it or I'm-a shove
it into your stomach myself.
115
00:04:49,517 --> 00:04:51,592
And I can go from top or bottom...
116
00:04:51,686 --> 00:04:52,819
your choice.
117
00:04:53,930 --> 00:04:55,905
I would choose top.
118
00:04:59,511 --> 00:05:00,601
Hey, what are you doing?
119
00:05:00,695 --> 00:05:03,196
You have been sitting here for two hours
120
00:05:03,290 --> 00:05:05,348
with one damn cup of coffee.
121
00:05:05,367 --> 00:05:06,791
You take your porn elsewhere.
122
00:05:07,018 --> 00:05:08,351
This isn't the library.
123
00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:09,628
Go on! Get!
124
00:05:09,813 --> 00:05:12,631
I'm very sorry. Uh, Mama,
125
00:05:12,782 --> 00:05:14,874
we try really hard not
to yell at our customers,
126
00:05:15,026 --> 00:05:17,861
especially like the good
Reverend Johnson here.
127
00:05:17,954 --> 00:05:19,120
You have a blessed day.
128
00:05:20,331 --> 00:05:23,533
I am 79 years old, and I
got a damn plate in my head.
129
00:05:23,626 --> 00:05:25,143
I can yell whenever I want.
130
00:05:25,294 --> 00:05:26,719
Well, I think that's
what we're trying...
131
00:05:26,813 --> 00:05:29,389
Whenever I want!
132
00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:33,318
Okay. I've never seen
Throw Momma from the Train,
133
00:05:33,469 --> 00:05:35,136
but it does give me an idea.
134
00:05:35,155 --> 00:05:37,638
Look, we just need to get
through the next half hour.
135
00:05:37,732 --> 00:05:40,659
Then she'll go back to the
farm and we'll close the shop,
136
00:05:40,810 --> 00:05:42,494
burn it to the ground,
collect the insurance money,
137
00:05:42,645 --> 00:05:43,887
buy a van, get a big dog
138
00:05:43,980 --> 00:05:45,738
and drive around town solving mysteries.
139
00:05:45,891 --> 00:05:47,740
Ruh-roh, Randi.
140
00:05:48,535 --> 00:05:49,735
Yeah, because that's so much better
141
00:05:49,895 --> 00:05:51,485
than telling her not
to come back tomorrow.
142
00:05:51,579 --> 00:05:53,563
Well, what's your plan, Black Velma?
143
00:05:53,581 --> 00:05:54,839
No, I like your plan.
144
00:05:54,991 --> 00:05:56,925
Girl, I have matches on me.
145
00:05:57,919 --> 00:05:59,994
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, uh,
146
00:06:00,088 --> 00:06:02,238
Mama, you don't need
to take the trash out.
147
00:06:02,331 --> 00:06:03,423
This isn't trash.
148
00:06:03,517 --> 00:06:06,000
This is my luggage.
149
00:06:06,019 --> 00:06:07,334
L-Luggage?
150
00:06:07,429 --> 00:06:08,502
For what?
151
00:06:08,596 --> 00:06:10,930
I'm here for the duration, sweetie.
152
00:06:11,082 --> 00:06:13,358
These go up to your place, right?
153
00:06:13,585 --> 00:06:14,751
Sure do, Mama!
154
00:06:14,769 --> 00:06:16,844
Uh, uh, hang on.
You're-you're staying with me?
155
00:06:16,863 --> 00:06:20,590
I guess I-I just assumed you,
like, drove your house here.
156
00:06:20,608 --> 00:06:23,443
I am your fellow hunker-downer.
157
00:06:23,519 --> 00:06:25,036
Now, I don't mind sharing a bed,
158
00:06:25,188 --> 00:06:28,948
but I do sleep naked and my
alarm goes off at first light.
159
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,542
Whoa!
160
00:06:30,693 --> 00:06:33,578
Settle down, Rufus. We're city folk now.
161
00:06:45,817 --> 00:06:48,134
Kat? What are you doing down here?
162
00:06:49,304 --> 00:06:50,787
What the heck?
163
00:06:51,547 --> 00:06:53,565
Oh. Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
164
00:06:53,641 --> 00:06:55,625
Well, we'll see who's laughing
when you're on my plate
165
00:06:55,627 --> 00:06:57,852
with mashed potatoes and a biscuit!
166
00:06:59,055 --> 00:07:02,890
I couldn't sleep. Between Rufus
crowing at 4:00 a.m. and...
167
00:07:02,909 --> 00:07:06,736
trying to ignore Mama's spicy
dream about Ronald Reagan.
168
00:07:07,806 --> 00:07:10,231
Well, if it isn't the morning meeting
169
00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:12,250
of the Dim and Lazy Club.
170
00:07:12,401 --> 00:07:14,902
No wonder my Phil needed a vacation...
171
00:07:14,996 --> 00:07:17,146
he was doing all the work around here.
172
00:07:17,165 --> 00:07:18,298
Are you kidding?
173
00:07:18,449 --> 00:07:19,591
Phil takes so many naps,
174
00:07:19,818 --> 00:07:21,593
we thought this place had a gas leak.
175
00:07:21,744 --> 00:07:23,577
Are you calling my Phil a liar?
176
00:07:23,746 --> 00:07:26,431
Because the last person that
did that is missing an ear.
177
00:07:26,582 --> 00:07:28,266
That was from the war
and is totally unrelated,
178
00:07:28,435 --> 00:07:30,602
but we don't talk to him no more.
179
00:07:31,754 --> 00:07:33,754
Okay, can we take a moment to appreciate
180
00:07:33,774 --> 00:07:36,257
that Phil's mama is
actually twice as crazy
181
00:07:36,351 --> 00:07:37,683
as Phil made her out to be?
182
00:07:37,836 --> 00:07:40,520
I know. I guess he was protecting her.
183
00:07:40,672 --> 00:07:43,523
Like a little pit bull
in a sequined jacket.
184
00:07:43,975 --> 00:07:45,999
Dagnabbit!
185
00:07:46,019 --> 00:07:49,028
Which one of you morons
bought salted butter?!
186
00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:50,346
That was Randi!
187
00:07:50,348 --> 00:07:52,015
Also, she hates Ronald Reagan!
188
00:07:52,108 --> 00:07:53,124
Wha...
189
00:07:53,276 --> 00:07:54,459
Okay, this is ridiculous.
190
00:07:54,686 --> 00:07:56,019
One of us needs to go in there
191
00:07:56,037 --> 00:07:57,370
and tell her that we
don't want her here.
192
00:07:57,612 --> 00:07:59,220
Yes. You're absolutely right.
193
00:07:59,447 --> 00:08:01,781
I'm gonna go upstairs,
I'm gonna get dressed
194
00:08:01,874 --> 00:08:03,783
and then I'm gonna come
down here like a badass
195
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:05,876
and fire an elderly volunteer.
196
00:08:05,896 --> 00:08:07,878
You're about to go hide
in your bed, aren't you?
197
00:08:07,898 --> 00:08:10,790
Yes, because badasses need naps, too!
198
00:08:12,310 --> 00:08:13,735
Shut up, Rufus!
199
00:08:16,814 --> 00:08:18,814
Holy cow!
200
00:08:19,576 --> 00:08:21,701
Sorry if that's
offensive to you, ladies.
201
00:08:22,728 --> 00:08:25,413
Carter, check this out.
202
00:08:26,975 --> 00:08:29,751
Oh, damn. Is that Phil? He's jacked!
203
00:08:29,978 --> 00:08:33,312
Looks like Freddie Mercury
and Super Mario had a baby.
204
00:08:33,331 --> 00:08:35,498
Hey, I'm as straight as they come,
205
00:08:35,650 --> 00:08:37,316
but if this dude bought me a drink,
206
00:08:37,410 --> 00:08:38,575
I don't know.
207
00:08:38,744 --> 00:08:41,412
I mean, he's four-foot-11
and all badass.
208
00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:42,746
Well, I mean, think about it.
209
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,540
Growing up gay, around here,
210
00:08:44,601 --> 00:08:46,975
- he'd have to be.
- Yeah.
211
00:08:47,007 --> 00:08:49,408
This one time, this guy was
picking on him in the bar.
212
00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:50,834
Phil threw rosé in his face,
213
00:08:50,854 --> 00:08:52,129
punched him right in the belly button
214
00:08:52,247 --> 00:08:53,579
and called him his
Pillsbury Dough Bitch.
215
00:08:53,598 --> 00:08:55,356
I remember that!
216
00:08:55,583 --> 00:08:57,525
Yeah! And then he stood
over him and he said,
217
00:08:57,752 --> 00:08:59,252
"You mess with the bull,
218
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:00,903
you get me horny.
219
00:09:01,089 --> 00:09:03,439
No, wait, that ain't it."
220
00:09:04,942 --> 00:09:07,368
Settle down, Babs. Same old story...
221
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,521
the ladies are buying
what Carter is selling.
222
00:09:11,690 --> 00:09:13,432
What's going on, Babs?
223
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:15,859
- Wow, you didn't eat very much.
- Who can blame her?
224
00:09:15,953 --> 00:09:17,528
Why would anybody want to eat that...
225
00:09:17,547 --> 00:09:18,604
- Oh, God!
- What?
226
00:09:18,623 --> 00:09:20,106
- What?
- Th... th... th...
227
00:09:20,108 --> 00:09:22,775
There's something
coming out of this cow!
228
00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:23,868
Oh! Aah!
229
00:09:23,887 --> 00:09:25,202
I think she's giving birth!
230
00:09:25,221 --> 00:09:27,947
Are you sure?! 'Cause
if this is some alien BS,
231
00:09:27,949 --> 00:09:30,725
I'm getting ready to get
the hell up out of here!
232
00:09:33,546 --> 00:09:35,730
Oh, Lurlene, this is delicious.
233
00:09:35,957 --> 00:09:38,733
I don't even have to
put any booze in it.
234
00:09:38,884 --> 00:09:41,986
I mean, I'm going to, of course, but...
235
00:09:42,904 --> 00:09:44,645
It tastes like cake batter.
236
00:09:44,664 --> 00:09:45,721
What's in it?
237
00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:47,165
Cake batter.
238
00:09:47,316 --> 00:09:50,059
I used to fix that for
Phil to help him grow.
239
00:09:50,194 --> 00:09:54,063
Didn't make him any taller, but
it sure made him love me more.
240
00:09:54,081 --> 00:09:55,673
Mother wanted me to grow, too,
241
00:09:55,824 --> 00:09:56,824
but instead of cake batter,
242
00:09:56,918 --> 00:09:59,402
she used pointed criticism.
243
00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:01,587
Hey, hey, hey. You don't
ever sass your mama.
244
00:10:01,681 --> 00:10:03,681
Sheila, you want a hittin' spoon?
245
00:10:03,908 --> 00:10:05,683
I like these metal
ones. Them wooden ones
246
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,518
- can snap on you.
- Oh.
247
00:10:07,745 --> 00:10:09,745
No, thank you, Lurlene. I...
248
00:10:09,764 --> 00:10:12,765
Well, let me feel the weight on it.
249
00:10:12,917 --> 00:10:14,525
Um...
250
00:10:14,677 --> 00:10:15,768
Uh, Kat,
251
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,603
there's a situation in the kitchen.
252
00:10:17,755 --> 00:10:18,855
- What's going on?
- Uh, well,
253
00:10:18,923 --> 00:10:21,424
it seems a squirrel is taking a nap.
254
00:10:21,517 --> 00:10:22,517
In a pan.
255
00:10:22,535 --> 00:10:23,943
In the oven.
256
00:10:24,037 --> 00:10:26,537
And I'm not gonna lie...
it smells pretty good.
257
00:10:26,689 --> 00:10:28,689
Okay, that's it. Uh, Lurlene,
258
00:10:28,708 --> 00:10:30,766
Randi and I have to talk
to you about something.
259
00:10:30,859 --> 00:10:32,435
Well, quit your lollygagging.
260
00:10:32,528 --> 00:10:34,879
I got to get back in the
kitchen and do me a butter stomp.
261
00:10:35,106 --> 00:10:37,364
Reminds me of Phil. I
just love him the best
262
00:10:37,383 --> 00:10:41,802
when that butter is squishing
up between them little piggies.
263
00:10:42,555 --> 00:10:44,296
Okay. Um...
264
00:10:44,449 --> 00:10:48,041
Mama, we appreciate
everything you have done...
265
00:10:48,135 --> 00:10:51,670
I'm sorry, are you saying
you step on the butter?
266
00:10:51,822 --> 00:10:52,972
Oh, honey, I told you
267
00:10:53,124 --> 00:10:56,125
there's a little bit of
me in everything I make.
268
00:10:56,143 --> 00:10:58,402
I thought you meant love,
269
00:10:58,554 --> 00:11:00,129
not DNA.
270
00:11:00,222 --> 00:11:03,574
Uh, listen, maybe tonight, after work,
271
00:11:03,726 --> 00:11:06,652
you should go home, and, um...
272
00:11:06,804 --> 00:11:07,804
stay there.
273
00:11:07,805 --> 00:11:09,413
No.
274
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,156
No?
275
00:11:11,309 --> 00:11:12,625
No.
276
00:11:13,419 --> 00:11:15,902
O-Okay. All right. Good talk.
277
00:11:15,997 --> 00:11:17,162
I'll see you tonight, roomie!
278
00:11:17,315 --> 00:11:18,664
This time I'm the big spoon!
279
00:11:18,816 --> 00:11:20,341
It's...
280
00:11:22,428 --> 00:11:23,577
That was sad.
281
00:11:23,746 --> 00:11:25,154
You want me to get rid of her?
282
00:11:25,247 --> 00:11:27,823
- I thought you liked her.
- I do.
283
00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:30,768
I just genuinely enjoy firing people.
284
00:11:31,029 --> 00:11:33,047
Why do you think we went
through so many nannies?
285
00:11:33,124 --> 00:11:35,274
You said they quit to get away from me.
286
00:11:35,292 --> 00:11:38,260
Oh. I did say that, didn't I?
287
00:11:39,463 --> 00:11:41,222
Watch and learn.
288
00:11:41,891 --> 00:11:43,616
Okay, Randi, come on.
289
00:11:43,634 --> 00:11:44,875
Randi.
290
00:11:44,969 --> 00:11:47,544
Mm-mm. There is a crazy
old white woman in there
291
00:11:47,563 --> 00:11:48,804
cooking an animal from the park.
292
00:11:48,956 --> 00:11:50,940
Y'all go ahead.
293
00:11:54,574 --> 00:11:57,132
Damn, Sheila, you are good.
294
00:11:57,225 --> 00:11:59,577
I just got off the phone with Phil.
295
00:11:59,728 --> 00:12:02,246
He and Jalen are staying in Tahiti.
296
00:12:02,323 --> 00:12:03,563
What?
297
00:12:03,657 --> 00:12:07,826
They're gonna open a
bakery and get boy-married.
298
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,403
Wait, I... I... I can't believe this.
299
00:12:10,513 --> 00:12:12,495
Phil's not coming back?
300
00:12:12,515 --> 00:12:14,640
No.
301
00:12:17,761 --> 00:12:19,853
Also, you're fired.
302
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,171
Mother!
303
00:12:21,248 --> 00:12:23,691
Sorry. I thought it would cheer me up.
304
00:12:32,943 --> 00:12:35,427
So I guess Phil and Jalen,
305
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,430
they found a bakery for sale
down there in Tahiti and...
306
00:12:38,523 --> 00:12:40,857
they got to talking
about how nice it would be
307
00:12:40,876 --> 00:12:42,209
to stay there forever.
308
00:12:42,436 --> 00:12:46,529
Why can't they just go to
Miami like regular gays?
309
00:12:47,291 --> 00:12:48,957
I just can't imagine
Phil getting married
310
00:12:49,126 --> 00:12:50,551
and us not being there.
311
00:12:50,702 --> 00:12:54,370
I mean, one of us might want
to sing "Islands in the Stream."
312
00:12:54,465 --> 00:12:57,874
I do both parts. It's
a real showstopper.
313
00:12:57,893 --> 00:13:01,044
I just can't believe
he's not coming back.
314
00:13:01,063 --> 00:13:03,288
Damn it, he borrowed my suitcase.
315
00:13:03,381 --> 00:13:05,715
Well, I guess the
most important thing is
316
00:13:05,809 --> 00:13:08,293
- that Phil's happy and he's in love.
- Mm-hmm.
317
00:13:08,312 --> 00:13:11,296
All any mother wants is
for her child to be happy.
318
00:13:11,465 --> 00:13:15,725
I mean, for Phil, it was
moving to Tahiti with Jalen.
319
00:13:15,745 --> 00:13:17,636
For Katharine, it's...
320
00:13:17,654 --> 00:13:21,473
what, finding a surprise
Fig Newton in your pocket?
321
00:13:21,492 --> 00:13:25,252
It wasn't a surprise.
I'd been saving it.
322
00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:27,254
Phil saw the whole thing.
323
00:13:27,481 --> 00:13:29,831
"It's a treat you can
fit in your pocket,
324
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,301
just like me."
325
00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:35,012
I'm really gonna miss him.
326
00:13:36,507 --> 00:13:37,598
Me, too.
327
00:13:38,659 --> 00:13:42,269
I want y'all to know how
happy this place made him.
328
00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:45,347
You all accepted him with no judgment.
329
00:13:45,516 --> 00:13:47,516
Shoot, he talks about y'all so much,
330
00:13:47,610 --> 00:13:49,835
I feel like you're family.
331
00:13:49,853 --> 00:13:52,112
We feel like you're family, too.
332
00:13:52,931 --> 00:13:55,007
It's like Phil always says...
333
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,509
family ain't who you're born to.
334
00:13:57,528 --> 00:13:59,694
It's who'll lie to the cops for you.
335
00:14:04,184 --> 00:14:06,184
Well, do you know of
any other vet in the area
336
00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:07,443
who can get here today?
337
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,215
Okay, well, do you know if
Instacart can deliver a cow baby?!
338
00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:14,359
All right. Thanks.
339
00:14:14,378 --> 00:14:16,878
Oh, man, she does not sound happy.
340
00:14:16,972 --> 00:14:18,864
Though I guess if I was
pooping out a small cow,
341
00:14:18,957 --> 00:14:20,456
I'd be pretty cranky, too.
342
00:14:20,476 --> 00:14:23,811
All right. The doctor said if
it's not coming out on its own,
343
00:14:23,962 --> 00:14:25,128
one of us got to go up in there.
344
00:14:25,147 --> 00:14:26,963
What do you mean, go up in there?
345
00:14:27,057 --> 00:14:29,224
You know. Go up in there.
346
00:14:29,376 --> 00:14:30,651
Oh, yeah.
347
00:14:30,878 --> 00:14:32,060
He said you should do it.
348
00:14:32,154 --> 00:14:33,395
Why me?!
349
00:14:33,489 --> 00:14:36,214
'Cause he said on the
phone my arms sounded short.
350
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:37,732
You know what, screw it.
351
00:14:37,827 --> 00:14:41,978
All right. You grab on to the
legs and pull and I'm gonna...
352
00:14:41,997 --> 00:14:43,497
go up in there.
353
00:14:43,648 --> 00:14:45,223
- Okay.
- All right.
354
00:14:45,392 --> 00:14:46,816
Okay.
355
00:14:46,910 --> 00:14:49,394
- Oh.
- Oh. Oh, God.
356
00:14:49,487 --> 00:14:51,063
What do you feel?
357
00:14:51,081 --> 00:14:53,156
Mm, mostly regret.
358
00:14:54,084 --> 00:14:56,401
Oh, wait, no, I think I felt it move.
359
00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:57,994
Whatever you're doing, just do it again.
360
00:14:58,013 --> 00:14:59,771
That's what she said.
361
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,256
Good one, dude.
362
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:02,407
Keep pulling.
363
00:15:02,426 --> 00:15:04,351
- We almost got it.
- Really?
364
00:15:04,578 --> 00:15:06,169
"We"? 'Cause, last time I checked,
365
00:15:06,188 --> 00:15:08,580
I'm the only one wearing
a cow like a wristwatch.
366
00:15:10,584 --> 00:15:12,192
- Keep going! We're...
- Oh, my God.
367
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:14,027
- Aah! Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Oh!
368
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:16,588
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh!
369
00:15:16,681 --> 00:15:17,847
Oh! We did it!
370
00:15:17,941 --> 00:15:19,041
We're parents!
371
00:15:19,201 --> 00:15:20,926
Look at him!
372
00:15:20,928 --> 00:15:22,870
Oh, he's beautiful!
373
00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:24,446
Oh. Oh, come here...
374
00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:26,765
- Oh! Oh! He can walk!
- Oh! Oh!
375
00:15:26,783 --> 00:15:30,193
Hey, quick, we didn't get
video of his first steps.
376
00:15:30,212 --> 00:15:31,861
Get your camera. I'll knock him down.
377
00:15:33,123 --> 00:15:34,697
What should we name him?
378
00:15:34,791 --> 00:15:37,033
Maybe we should combine our names.
379
00:15:37,127 --> 00:15:39,052
Car-Max.
380
00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:40,370
No, no, look at him.
381
00:15:40,505 --> 00:15:43,056
He's small, fuzzy, and
getting kind of fresh.
382
00:15:43,283 --> 00:15:44,892
He's Lil' Phil.
383
00:15:45,119 --> 00:15:46,119
Or Big Phil.
384
00:15:46,286 --> 00:15:49,479
Oh. No, that's just his umbilical cord.
385
00:15:55,679 --> 00:15:57,070
- _
- I'm glad we went to the wedding,
386
00:15:57,222 --> 00:15:59,464
but 17 hours on a plane was brutal.
387
00:15:59,573 --> 00:16:02,815
At least you weren't sitting next
to a crying baby the whole time.
388
00:16:02,909 --> 00:16:04,075
I couldn't help it.
389
00:16:04,169 --> 00:16:05,894
It was such a beautiful wedding.
390
00:16:05,987 --> 00:16:08,338
I just love love.
391
00:16:09,008 --> 00:16:10,248
All right, everyone.
392
00:16:10,342 --> 00:16:12,417
Wedding slideshow is done.
393
00:16:12,569 --> 00:16:13,635
Gather round.
394
00:16:17,407 --> 00:16:19,832
Phil, Jalen,
395
00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:21,001
looking at you,
396
00:16:21,094 --> 00:16:22,244
I see two hearts,
397
00:16:22,337 --> 00:16:24,670
two souls, two...
398
00:16:24,690 --> 00:16:26,765
islands in the stream.
399
00:16:26,859 --> 00:16:29,651
And audio muted.
400
00:16:30,512 --> 00:16:31,753
Look at my Phil.
401
00:16:31,772 --> 00:16:34,089
Yeah, he and Jalen just look so happy.
402
00:16:34,107 --> 00:16:35,699
Aw, it's their first dance.
403
00:16:35,850 --> 00:16:37,016
Yeah, I was really surprised
404
00:16:37,036 --> 00:16:38,684
when they did that
lift from Dirty Dancing.
405
00:16:38,704 --> 00:16:41,413
I had the time of my life.
406
00:16:43,042 --> 00:16:45,525
Aw, Tahiti's so beautiful.
407
00:16:45,602 --> 00:16:47,952
I can understand why they
don't want to come home.
408
00:16:48,105 --> 00:16:49,454
Yeah, me, too.
409
00:16:49,606 --> 00:16:51,406
Damn, I'm really gonna miss him.
410
00:16:51,441 --> 00:16:53,216
Like every time I sit in a chair
411
00:16:53,443 --> 00:16:55,368
and his hand isn't "accidentally" there.
412
00:16:58,373 --> 00:17:00,615
This place won't be
the same without him.
413
00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:04,603
Kentucky won't be the same without him.
414
00:17:06,398 --> 00:17:09,107
Nothing's gonna be the same without him.
415
00:17:39,581 --> 00:17:41,823
What we've done here
416
00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:44,643
is we've given Phil a happy ending.
417
00:17:45,938 --> 00:17:48,346
What we're really doing
418
00:17:48,498 --> 00:17:50,682
is mourning the loss of our dear friend,
419
00:17:50,776 --> 00:17:52,484
Leslie Jordan.
420
00:17:53,428 --> 00:17:56,020
He is irreplaceable.
421
00:17:56,173 --> 00:17:58,365
We will miss him very much.
422
00:17:59,693 --> 00:18:00,933
Love.
423
00:18:00,953 --> 00:18:02,935
Light.
424
00:18:02,955 --> 00:18:05,122
Leslie.
425
00:18:12,873 --> 00:18:15,114
* Dear friend, there'll be *
426
00:18:15,134 --> 00:18:18,360
* No sad farewell *
427
00:18:18,453 --> 00:18:23,122
* There'll be no tear-dimmed eyes *
428
00:18:23,142 --> 00:18:25,642
* Where all is peace *
429
00:18:25,811 --> 00:18:28,478
* And joy and love *
430
00:18:28,705 --> 00:18:33,817
* And the soul of
man never dies. *
431
00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:35,152
Now, that's some lines
432
00:18:35,303 --> 00:18:37,654
from the song that
you and I did together.
433
00:18:37,881 --> 00:18:39,472
I know usually, at a memorial,
434
00:18:39,491 --> 00:18:41,716
people talk about somebody.
435
00:18:41,735 --> 00:18:43,401
Well, I'm gonna talk to you.
436
00:18:43,495 --> 00:18:45,737
'Cause there is that
place on the other side,
437
00:18:45,889 --> 00:18:48,999
and I'm certainly gonna see
you there, little brother.
438
00:18:49,226 --> 00:18:51,242
You left a lot of people here
439
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:53,503
with a lot of precious,
precious memories.
440
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:54,987
Everybody loved you.
441
00:18:55,081 --> 00:18:58,157
But I doubt that many of 'em
loved you more than I did.
442
00:18:58,251 --> 00:19:00,177
Anyhow, I just want you to know
443
00:19:00,404 --> 00:19:02,086
that we all love you,
444
00:19:02,239 --> 00:19:03,496
we all miss you
445
00:19:03,665 --> 00:19:05,423
and I bet you're having a big laugh
446
00:19:05,575 --> 00:19:08,092
over all of us being sad and sorrowful
447
00:19:08,187 --> 00:19:10,945
and I know that would be the last thing
448
00:19:10,947 --> 00:19:12,171
you would want us to be.
449
00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:15,433
So, anyway, you made us
happy while you were here,
450
00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:17,585
and we're happy that you're at peace.
451
00:19:17,604 --> 00:19:19,587
And I just want you to know that...
452
00:19:19,681 --> 00:19:23,849
* I will always love you. *
453
00:19:23,944 --> 00:19:25,702
Goodbye, my sweet Leslie.
454
00:19:25,853 --> 00:19:28,446
See you over there.
455
00:19:30,692 --> 00:19:33,526
* To Canaan's land *
456
00:19:33,545 --> 00:19:36,046
* I'm on my way *
457
00:19:36,273 --> 00:19:38,606
* Where the soul of man *
458
00:19:38,625 --> 00:19:40,959
* Never dies *
459
00:19:41,111 --> 00:19:43,703
* My darkest night *
460
00:19:43,722 --> 00:19:46,281
* Will turn to day *
461
00:19:46,299 --> 00:19:48,967
* Where the soul *
462
00:19:49,061 --> 00:19:50,785
* It never dies *
463
00:19:50,804 --> 00:19:56,215
* No sad farewells *
464
00:19:56,235 --> 00:20:01,238
* No tear-dimmed eyes *
465
00:20:01,465 --> 00:20:06,468
* Where all is love *
466
00:20:06,561 --> 00:20:10,655
* And the soul never dies *
467
00:20:10,749 --> 00:20:12,565
It never does.
468
00:20:12,584 --> 00:20:15,901
* Dear friends, there'll
be no sad farewell *
469
00:20:15,921 --> 00:20:19,814
- * There'll be no tear-dimmed eyes *
- * There will be *
470
00:20:19,907 --> 00:20:21,332
* No tear-dimmed eyes *
471
00:20:21,485 --> 00:20:24,243
* Where all is peace *
472
00:20:24,337 --> 00:20:26,654
* And joy and love *
473
00:20:26,673 --> 00:20:31,935
* And the soul of man never dies *
474
00:20:32,086 --> 00:20:34,229
* *
475
00:20:35,181 --> 00:20:36,940
Y'all sing with us.
476
00:20:37,091 --> 00:20:39,501
- * No sad *
- * There will be *
477
00:20:39,519 --> 00:20:41,778
- * Farewells *
- * No sad farewell *
478
00:20:42,005 --> 00:20:46,524
- * No tear-dimmed eyes *
- * There will be no tear-dimmed eyes *
479
00:20:46,676 --> 00:20:49,286
- * Where all *
- * All is peace *
480
00:20:49,437 --> 00:20:51,454
- * Is love! *
- * And joy and love *
481
00:20:51,681 --> 00:20:56,184
* And the soul of man never dies *
482
00:20:56,277 --> 00:21:00,021
* And the soul of man *
483
00:21:00,114 --> 00:21:01,781
* Never dies *
484
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:07,137
* Never dies. *
485
00:21:13,019 --> 00:21:18,019
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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