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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
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PHONE RINGS
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Happy Christmas, sis.
You going, then? Am I going where?
4
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,400
It's Christmas Day!
You bloody well know where.
5
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,960
To Dad's. The boot, Nigel!
6
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,440
Wake up.
Well, are you?
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00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,360
No, I've told you I'm not.
We're going to Nigel's folk
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00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,960
and the parasite is really
kicking off.
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Dad, she called me parasite again!
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Well, you are a bloody parasite.
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You've ruined my body.
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Ruined it.
13
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,560
You have to go, Wicky, end of.
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00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,000
I've got plans.
15
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,160
The White Horse are
doing a full Christmas dinner.
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00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,800
Microwave turkey is dangerous,
Wicky.
17
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,280
Have you not learnt from last time?
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00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,600
It's not just the dinner -
Weasel's going a raffle
19
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,800
during the King's Speech.
20
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,000
You can win a horse.
Like, an actual horse.
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00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,040
It's Christmas, Wicky.
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00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,600
You should be able to put
aside your differences at Christmas.
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00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,440
YOU put aside my differences
at Christmas.
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00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,040
Take him to Nigel's parents
with you.
25
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,680
Well, I can't,
because of Pablo.
26
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:27,880
Nigel's mum's allergic.
27
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,280
Her throat puffs up like a toad.
28
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:31,720
Who the hell's Pablo?
29
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:32,920
Dad's new dog.
30
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I love Pablo!
31
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,440
Yes.
We all know you love Pablo.
32
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,520
My God,
they repeat themselves at this age.
33
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:42,640
He's bought a dog?!
Yes. It's really cute.
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00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,720
Have you any idea how many times
I asked him for a dog
35
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,520
when we were kids?
It's all I ever wanted.
36
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,160
And he used to say,
"Oh, no, they're..."
37
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,680
BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit."
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00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,840
Right, well, that's it.
I'm definitely not going.
39
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,600
He deserves to be on his own
and you know it.
40
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,440
And you're going to end
up just like him.
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00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,920
Think about going round to Dad's,
Wicky. He's an old man.
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00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,760
It's Christmas.
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00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:01,800
Nigel!
44
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Will you open this bloody boot?!
45
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:06,680
Right, then.
46
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,200
Let's dance.
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00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,960
Moderate-to-severe blood pooling,
limited staining on porous surfaces,
48
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but mostly fake marble and Formica.
49
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,480
Two hours 30, tops.
50
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And then Turkey, pint, new horse.
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00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,080
Let's have it, Santa.
52
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,120
# Santa, baby
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00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:52,440
# Slip the sable under
the tree for me
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# I've been an awful good girl
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00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:58,920
# Santa, baby
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# So hurry down the chimney tonight
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00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,240
# Santa, baby
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# A '54 convertible too
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# Bright blue
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00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,320
# Well, I'll wait up for you, dear,
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# Santa, baby
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# So hurry down the chimney tonight
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00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:36,560
# So hurry down the chimney
toni... #
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00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:37,600
Hey!
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Get out of it.
66
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,320
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
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00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,560
The parlour's closed.
The parlour's...
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00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,440
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert...
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00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,880
What are you doing here, kid?
70
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:54,600
It's Sunday. And...? Every Sunday,
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00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,760
I get a peach melba ice cream
in Alberto's.
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00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,320
It's Christmas Day.
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It is also Sunday.
Right.
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00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,200
OK. Listen, Robert...
Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen,
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00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,600
Robert Kendrick,
the parlour is closed.
76
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,040
Most shops are closed.
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00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,480
It's Christmas Day.
78
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,560
Alberto opens EVERY Sunday.
79
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,720
He is an Italian-Jewish person,
so he does not celebrate Christmas.
80
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,280
Now, could you please inform
Alberto that
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00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,320
I've arrived for my peach melba?
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00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,080
OK. You probably shouldn't hear
this on the news. Come in.
83
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,960
I'm sorry to have to break
this to you, Robert,
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00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,480
but Alberto's passed.
85
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,720
On. He's passed on.
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00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:38,360
He's...
87
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,880
He's gone over to the other side.
88
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:44,080
He's left this earthly plane.
89
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,560
He's a...he's a cloud gardener.
90
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,880
He dances with the angels, Robert.
91
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,120
He is...
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00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,920
He's got two goose arms.
93
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,360
You're trying to tell me
Alberto is dead.
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00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,400
I'm afraid so.
95
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,920
Oh...
96
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,800
Then I shall need to know the
cause of death.
97
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:10,960
For my journal.
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00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,160
Oh, OK.
99
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,400
He was killed. How?
100
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,760
A bad man hit him with a plank.
101
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,720
A plank is not a suitable weapon.
102
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,200
It might have been a plank. But you
said it was a plank just now.
103
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,680
Yeah, I know, but...
Was it a plank or not?
104
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,080
It might have been a bat.
105
00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:29,720
Cricket bat or a baseball bat?
106
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,000
Cricket?
107
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,920
Alberto was battered to death.
108
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,120
Cricket bat. ..bat.
109
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:39,800
I didn't do it.
110
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,360
I'll be sure to tell the police
they can rule you out.
111
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:44,680
You better go home.
112
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,360
Alberto said he'd take me
home at 5:42pm.
113
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:52,880
That's the time my bus usually goes
home. As there are no buses
114
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:56,440
on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd
take me home at the same time.
115
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,880
5:42pm. I'm a valued customer.
116
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,320
Alberto can't drive because
of the whole dead thing.
117
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,360
I'm afraid the parlour is closed,
even to valued customers.
118
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,720
So...
119
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:13,040
But you're here and you're just
a cleaner. Be that as it may,
120
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,680
clean I must.
So, if you'll forgive me, Robert...
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00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,760
Robert Kendrick. Yes.
122
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,200
PHONE RINGS
123
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HE SIGHS
124
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I'm not going.
125
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,920
We've just popped in there.
126
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,840
Listen, he's really sorry.
127
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,680
He says he thinks
about you all the time.
128
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:47,040
He actually thinks a lot
of his past behaviour was caused
129
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,680
by his lactose intolerance.
130
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,960
Oh, for God's sake,
will you listen to yourself?
131
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,520
He's going to write you a letter.
132
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,960
He's going to write a letter?
What, on a betting slip?
133
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,800
He says he's changed.
He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky.
134
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,120
I love Pablo!
135
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,640
Yes, we know.
136
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,640
First you wreck my tits
and now you drive me crazy.
137
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,680
If I could turn back time.
138
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,000
I'd like a peach melba,
please.
139
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,200
Am I missing something here, mate?
140
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,640
The parlour is closed.
141
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,480
You have forgotten my name
and used mate as a replacement.
142
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,680
I should have formally
introduced myself.
143
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,360
I haven't forgotten your name.
144
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,680
The parlour is closed.
145
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,840
My name is Robert Kendrick.
I am 22 years old.
146
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,480
At least we're getting some
new information through now.
147
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,000
I live in Norford, a 23-minute
bus journey from here.
148
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,000
Hand me a pen,
I'll ghost-write your memoirs.
149
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,600
And I'm autistic.
150
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,600
Yes, well, that's...
151
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,560
..fantastic!
152
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,200
Is it...because of the...
153
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,760
..welcoming...
154
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,960
We want to include, welcome.
155
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,240
We're all welcome here, aren't we?
156
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,800
It's the pizza of life.
157
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,400
What do we want?
Do we want just cheese? NO.
158
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:05,000
We want to put some pickles on
it if we want.
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00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,560
I think, and I think everyone thinks
this, everyone is a little bit
160
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:11,520
autistic, aren't they?
161
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,280
No.
No.
162
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,480
Who said that?
I did. Am I autistic?
163
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,120
No, I'm not autistic.
164
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,360
You're autistic.
165
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:22,000
And that...is...good.
166
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,480
Alan Turing was autistic.
167
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,680
The mathematician who helped
to crack the Enigma code
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00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,480
during World War II and saved
hundreds of thousands of lives.
169
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,520
Do you know what the authorities
did to him?
170
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,400
Well, I'm hoping they gave him
a lovely medal.
171
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,120
They castrated him
because he was a homosexual. Mm.
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Chemically. His testicles
became redundant.
173
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,560
Well, I know that feeling.
174
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:44,800
You do? Are you a homosexual?
No.
175
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,360
I'm disgusted by my own
genitals, Roberto.
176
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,280
I don't want to get another man's
involved, but good luck
177
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,400
to those lads.
Could be that your testosterone
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00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,640
levels have naturally lowered
because of your age.
179
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,440
Have you found you're
developing breasts?
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Peach melba.
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00:08:58,560 --> 00:08:59,720
Coming right up.
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00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,080
And then we can all go
for Christmas, can't we?
183
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,160
Who gave you permission
to go behind the red line?
184
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,920
Erm...
185
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,360
..the police gave me permission. Hm.
186
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,080
The red line authority went
from Alberto to the police.
187
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,760
Alberto always told me I would never
be able to cross the red line
188
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,520
for health and safety reasons.
189
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:20,320
The police have vetted me
for health and safety reasons,
190
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,360
and they have confirmed
that I am safe and...
191
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,760
..health.
192
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,040
How do you make a melba?
193
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,640
One scoop of chocolate ice cream.
194
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,080
One scoop of vanilla ice cream.
195
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,600
One scoop of peach ice cream.
196
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,000
Then cream on top of the ice cream.
197
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,040
Then white chocolate flakes
on top of the cream.
198
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,960
And then on top of the white
chocolate flakes
199
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,280
is raspberry sauce. Right.
200
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,920
And then a chocolate stick.
201
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,960
Except I get two chocolate sticks
because I'm a valued customer.
202
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,040
LOUD CLANGING
203
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,080
So...
204
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,160
Vanilla. But the... What's next?
205
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,160
But the... What's next?
206
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,480
Peach. It's a peach melba. Right.
207
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,280
But that's not vanilla.
208
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,520
That is banana. There is no banana.
209
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:09,800
OK.
210
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,440
Now there is banana residue
on my glass.
211
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:18,240
Not a problem.
212
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,520
And...vanilla.
213
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,080
Yes, but... Ah-ah. Peach.
214
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,800
It's a peach melba, after all.
215
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,400
And then...cream.
216
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,800
And - I haven't forgotten -
217
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,760
white chocolate flakes.
218
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:37,960
Thank you.
219
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,120
And next... Now raspberry sauce
in an arcing motion.
220
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,200
In a...? Arcing motion.
221
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:47,880
Or the sauce will pull.
If I don't arc, the sauce will pull.
222
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:51,680
Finally...a chocolate stick.
223
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,000
Except I get two.
Except you get
224
00:10:54,000 --> 00:11:00,760
two chocolate sticks, because you
are valued customer Robert...
225
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,000
..Kendrick.
226
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,600
There is no scoop of chocolate.
You never mentioned chocolate.
227
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,360
I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure
you didn't mention chocolate.
228
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,440
Would it be helpful if I wrote
it all down for you?
229
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,080
No, it wouldn't be helpful
if you wrote it all down for me.
230
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,560
Do you find me irritating?
231
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,440
Oh, well...
You seem to find irritating.
232
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,000
I don't find you irritating.
233
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,480
Perfectly OK if you do find me
irritating. I know I can be.
234
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,520
Not...to...me.
235
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:29,960
The chocolate goes under
the vanilla.
236
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,560
Are you joking?
How can that be a joke?
237
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:32,800
It's just a fact.
238
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,280
Alberto calls the chocolate
the soil the house is built on.
239
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:38,560
Silly me for not knowing
the melba protocol.
240
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,960
I'd better go back to university!
241
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,320
ROBERT WHIMPERS
242
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,160
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey,
hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.
243
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,440
My fault. It was my fault.
244
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,160
I'm in trouble, aren't I?
No, no, no, no, no.
245
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,480
I'll clean it up.
246
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,640
That's my job.
247
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:58,480
And then I'll make another peach
melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday.
248
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,200
Who killed Alberto?
249
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,000
He was nice.
250
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,440
Why would anyone want to kill him?
251
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,040
Do you know what playing away means?
Alberto was too obese to be
252
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,720
involved with organised sports
so I presume you mean that he was
253
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,040
having sexual intercourse with
another man's wife?
254
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,840
You do know what it means.
Of course.
255
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,440
Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager
at Runcorn House, was repeatedly
256
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,440
being unfaithful to his partner...
257
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,760
..until he developed scrotal
lesions. Back on testicles again,
258
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,440
Robert. If the man's wife was having
sex with Alberto,
259
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,560
then maybe that just means Alberto
was better at sex than the man.
260
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:42,600
Yeah.
261
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,160
Maybe Alberto
was good with his hands.
262
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,560
What's Runcorn House?
263
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,240
It's a placement.
264
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,360
A home?
I don't like calling it that.
265
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,200
It's not the right word.
266
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,440
Listen, I've got to go.
267
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,520
I'll give you a lift back
to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42.
268
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,560
Look, I've got to go, mate.
You can't stay here.
269
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,280
I leave at 5:42 every Sunday.
270
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,280
Are you not going to miss your
Christmas dinner?
271
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,600
The only thing I really like is
the Christmas crackers.
272
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,440
I really like the jokes!
273
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,840
What's the wettest animal
in the world?
274
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:11,880
A RAIN-deer!
275
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,640
Would you get me cross Santa
with a duck?
276
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,200
Christmas QUACK-ers.
CHUCKLES
277
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:23,280
Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke,
you know. My father always laughed
278
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,440
at my jokes,
even if he'd heard them.
279
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,960
Was it your dad that brought
you here? Yes.
280
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,840
And when was that?
When I was 14.
281
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,200
You've been coming to Alberto's
all that time?
282
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,720
Yes. Every Sunday until the day
he broke my arm.
283
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,160
He what?
284
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,320
I was being stupid and not
understanding things,
285
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,760
so he pushed me off my chair.
286
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,600
And quite rightly too.
287
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,160
And in the hospital,
I said I fell from a ladder.
288
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,800
But that's...that's not true,
Robert.
289
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,320
I know you're not supposed to tell
lies, but my father told me
290
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,880
this was an emergency lie.
291
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,320
Otherwise, the police would come
and take me and put me
292
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,800
in a treatment unit.
293
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,840
We carried on having peach melbas
on a Sunday for a while.
294
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,240
Until one day my dad came
and told me
295
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,520
that I had to go into a placement.
296
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,080
Oh. The place with the guy
with the bad balls.
297
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,320
No? No.
298
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,480
Listen,
299
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,120
I'm sorry he left you.
300
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,640
Why?
301
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,160
He'd just started a new job,
so he would be very busy
302
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,320
and be moving around a lot.
303
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,840
As soon as he settles,
he's coming to get me.
304
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:26,880
Right.
305
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,720
Every Sunday, my father knows
306
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,400
I'll be in Alberto's eating
peach melba ice cream.
307
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,760
He might even come today.
308
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,080
He knows I'll be here until 5:42.
309
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,600
Robert?
310
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,680
Do you think maybe
you should forget him?
311
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,160
Why would anyone want to forget
their father?
312
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,360
Maybe some fathers deserve
to be forgotten.
313
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,800
Do you not like your father? Why?
314
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,280
I suppose because once
you're a father,
315
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,480
you're not supposed to be selfish.
316
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,040
You know? Once you're a dad,
that comes before everything.
317
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:05,840
Hmm.
318
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:09,240
And because I always wanted a dog,
and now he's bought himself one.
319
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:33,360
ALARM BEEPS
320
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,000
Oh, come on!
321
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,480
No-one told me about this.
322
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,160
No, I'm not doing this.
323
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,200
No.
324
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,200
DOOR LOCKS
325
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,400
HE GROANS
326
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,720
HE KNOCKS
327
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,680
Robert?
328
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:30,600
Robert! Robert?
329
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,400
Robert, the door's stuck!
330
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,200
Robert? Robert!
331
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:50,160
PHONE RINGS
332
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,480
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
333
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,560
Robert, thank goodness
you're still there. It's me, Wicky.
334
00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,800
Who is this?
335
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,480
It's me. Wicky. The guy who just
made you the peach melba.
336
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,600
Wicky? That's a strange name.
337
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,400
It's a nickname, so... Whatever.
338
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,440
Robert, my real name's Paul. OK?
Paul Wickstead. Right?
339
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,480
Now, listen, I'm stuck
in the freezer downstairs.
340
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,280
Is this another Christmas joke?
341
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,800
No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid.
342
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,080
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't.
343
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,280
Robert, listen, I need you
to come downstairs
344
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,400
and open the freezer door
for me, all right?
345
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,560
But I don't have permission
to cross the red line.
346
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:31,280
OK, Robert, listen,
you have my permission.
347
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,400
But I need Alberto's permission.
348
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,080
But he's dead. Do you remember?
349
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,000
So I need the police's permission,
like you got.
350
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,560
Alberto always told me,
"Robert, no cross the..."
351
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:43,360
Robert?
352
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:46,840
Robert?
353
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,640
Are you still there?
354
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,720
I'm sorry.
355
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,520
Alberto was my friend.
356
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,760
Alberto always told me
not to cross the red line.
357
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:02,320
So I must respect his wish
now that he has gone.
358
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,320
RIP, Alberto.
359
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,200
No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert?
360
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,520
Robert? Robert?
361
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,600
Robert!
362
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,400
Robert! Robert!
363
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,640
PHONE RINGS
364
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,440
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
365
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,240
Good afternoon.
366
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,200
Hey, Robert. You're still there.
It's me again.
367
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,360
I don't like shouting,
so I've made you quieter now.
368
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:52,320
Yeah, yeah, OK.
I'm sorry about that.
369
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,520
Listen, I am going to need
your help to get out of this freezer
370
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,920
because it really is starting
to live up to its reputation now.
371
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,800
But I don't have permission to cross
the red line, and that is that.
372
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,560
Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate!
373
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,320
Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto?
374
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,960
Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry.
375
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,360
Robert, do you have your own phone?
376
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,880
Yes, I do, but
I don't use it very often.
377
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,720
The phone company keep ringing me
to ask if I want more data,
378
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,920
but I keep telling them
I've quite sufficient data,
379
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,320
thank you very much. Robert...
380
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,840
Did you know people in Finland have
unlimited access to data?
381
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,120
I couldn't give a shit.
382
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,040
Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
383
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,240
Robert...
384
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,600
I don't really care about
tariffs for phones in Finland,
385
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,000
but if you want to talk about it,
386
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,680
we'll talk about it as
much as you like
387
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,200
as soon as I'm out of the freezer.
388
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,400
So, listen, I know
you can't cross the red line
389
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,560
and I don't want you to,
but can you do something for me?
390
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,320
Would you phone 999?
391
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,480
But that is the emergency services.
392
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,200
Yeah, because here's the thing,
393
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,280
the fat man freezing to death
is kind of an emergency.
394
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,160
I need you to call the police.
395
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,400
Has a law been broken?
396
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,680
It will be if
I ever get out of here, kid.
397
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,280
Sorry. Sorry.
398
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,080
Call the police.
399
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,880
But they will ask questions.
400
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,120
I'm not allowed to
answer police questions.
401
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,800
Remember? I promised my father.
402
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,280
I am your father!
403
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,720
What? I don't know.
404
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,040
I'm not thinking straight.
Call the police.
405
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,880
But if my father finds out,
he might not come back.
406
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,400
Your father is wrong, OK?
407
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,680
The police are
the right people to ring.
408
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:23,960
They'll know what to do.
409
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,200
Call the police. My father told me
exactly what would happen.
410
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,880
I would become a fugitive
from justice and have to descend
411
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,840
into the criminal underbelly
in order to procure false papers
412
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,520
but the police would corner me
in a warehouse... What? ..and there
413
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,760
would be a helicopter with
a spotlight, with a man with a
414
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,360
megaphone wearing a blue jacket...
Robert... ..with "police"
415
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,360
on the back. He would tell me I must
remain calm and that I'm surrounded
416
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,400
but there would be a sniper perched
on the roof
417
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,200
of an apartment building... Robert!
418
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,840
Yes?
419
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,960
Has it ever occurred to you that
your father might not be come...
420
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,880
Hey, Robert?
421
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,600
Is my phone up there?
422
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,640
PHONE RINGS
423
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,880
Sis. Sis!
424
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,640
Shithead. Have you been round?
425
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,000
No, no, listen.
I've got a real situation here.
426
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,520
You've got a situation?
427
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,000
The kid's throwing up
all over Nigel's mum's rug
428
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,320
and its dad is sitting in the car
listening to true crime podcasts
429
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,600
and drinking Babycham.
430
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,120
Listen. I need you.
I'm not asking for much, Wicky.
431
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,800
I just want you to
swallow your pride this year.
432
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,240
Who prioritises a horse raffle
over their own family?
433
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,640
It's got nothing to do
with a horse raffle. Listen...
434
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,160
Oh, God, the bloody kid's
throwing up Haribos again.
435
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,840
Step away from the bloody rug!
436
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,040
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
437
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,280
Sis! I sometimes think
that you got it right, you know,
438
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,800
never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad.
439
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,320
If you don't want to do that,
write him a letter or something.
440
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,200
Sis! Put him out of his misery.
You owe him that at least.
441
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,720
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
442
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,720
DISCONNECT TONE
Sis!
443
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,880
Thank you.
444
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,640
PHONE RINGS
445
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,440
Robert Kendrick?
446
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,400
I thought it might be you.
447
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,640
That's what it says
on the front of this letter.
448
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,840
Robert Kendrick.
449
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,600
I don't understand.
450
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,120
I found a letter.
451
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:53,200
On the front, it says, "To Robert
Kendrick, from his father."
452
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,200
A letter from my father? But how?
453
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:02,880
I don't know. I guess maybe
he gave it to Alberto to look after
454
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,840
and during the fight maybe it fell
out of his pocket or something.
455
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,280
Something like that.
456
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,120
What does the letter say?
457
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,880
I don't have permission to open it.
458
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,640
Opening other people's mail is...
It's a criminal offence.
459
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,400
And I don't have permission, Robert.
460
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,200
You have my permission.
461
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,920
Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm
afraid. I need written permission
462
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,520
or the judge would throw
the book at me.
463
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,280
Then I'd get into a shoot-out
with the police, Robert, you know?
464
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,400
What book would the judge throw?
465
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,280
The Bible.
466
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:37,480
MUSIC: Carol of the Bells
467
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,000
Please. Please. Please.
468
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,480
One...
469
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:46,840
..two...
470
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,360
..three...
471
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,080
..four...
472
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,080
..five...
473
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,320
..six...
474
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,920
Hello, Robert Kendrick.
475
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,320
You lied to me.
476
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,200
There's no letter.
477
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:22,400
Oh, no! What did I do
with that letter?
478
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,960
You're a liar.
479
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:28,040
No. I just must have
dropped it down there.
480
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,280
I'll get it.
481
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:42,920
There.
482
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,320
Uh... I thought I might
read it for you, if you...
483
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,440
"Dear Robert, this is your father."
484
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:57,880
Oh, it is him.
485
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:03,000
"I wanted to write this letter
to tell you how proud I am of you.
486
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,920
"I'll bet that you've come
for ice cream every single Sunday
487
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,040
"since we said goodbye."
488
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,240
He remembers.
489
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:15,200
"You're reliable, Robert.
And that will always help you.
490
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:19,960
"I hope you understand that
sometimes it's hard being a parent.
491
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:23,080
"I know I promised
I would come back, but sometimes
492
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:27,000
"life gets in the way, and
it breaks your promises for you.
493
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:31,440
"I want you to know that
life is full of possibilities.
494
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:33,160
"Go off and enjoy yours
495
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,680
"and know that, even
though my work has kept us apart,
496
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,480
"I am always thinking about you.
497
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,080
"By the way, I found out
that I'm lactose intolerant,
498
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,280
"which is another reason why
I can never return to Alberto's.
499
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,040
"Ice cream brings me out in a rash.
500
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,880
"Maybe that's why I was
so angry in the past." Ah.
501
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:58,240
"Take care, with love, your father."
502
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,400
Well, that was lovely.
503
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,080
That last bit seemed a bit rushed
but it's, it's lovely.
504
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,120
Yes, I liked it.
505
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,200
May I see it? Hmm?
506
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,240
The letter? May I see it?
507
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,880
If you want to.
508
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:17,680
I do. It's your letter. If you
want to see it, you can see it.
509
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,720
I think when you're emotional,
it can affect your handwriting.
510
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,520
It's a nice letter.
511
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:43,920
It is a nice letter.
512
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,560
Thank you, Wicky.
513
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,080
But he's not coming back, is he?
514
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,760
I don't think so, Robert.
515
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:02,840
So, what are your Christmas plans?
516
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,880
Between now and 5:42, I mean.
517
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,080
KNOCKING
518
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,480
Son.
519
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,240
Dad.
520
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,000
I've, um... I brought a new friend.
521
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,320
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
522
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:29,840
Hello, Robert.
523
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,000
I've got a new friend as well.
524
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:35,800
I can't believe you bought a dog.
525
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,200
You always wanted one, didn't you?
526
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:40,920
You remembered.
527
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,200
CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS
528
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,640
No. Your sister's only
just told me.
529
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,360
Better watch him,
he's a piss machine.
530
00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:59,000
Where are you going?
531
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,200
Lock-in at the pub.
532
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,240
There's a horse up for grabs
in Weasel's raffle.
533
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,080
You should have got a ticket.
534
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:06,960
Bring the dog back Boxing Day.
535
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:13,040
Wicky, maybe you should forget him.
536
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:16,520
There we are. Thanks.
537
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,160
Cracker? Yeah.
538
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,160
Hey! Hey, I win!
539
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:21,600
Nail clipper. A nail clipper.
540
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,120
What's the joke? What's the joke?
541
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,240
What do reindeers hang
on their Christmas trees?
542
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:26,560
Dunno.
543
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,160
ROBERT LAUGHS
544
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:29,680
I don't know, Robert!
545
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:33,280
Robert, what's the punchline?
546
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,440
ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING
547
00:28:35,490 --> 00:28:40,040
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