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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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[MAN] This is Ben Gross.
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He's a 15-year-old boy from
Sherman Oaks, California,
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and I am American
actor, producer, writer,
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and fake rapper Andy Samberg.
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What can I say? I wear a lot of hats.
Now, you may be asking yourself,
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"Why is Andy Samberg narrating
the story of this particular boy?"
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Well, honestly, his dad's my
lawyer, and I owe him a favor,
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00:00:30,827 --> 00:00:34,331
but Ben seems like a good
kid, so, happy to do it.
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00:00:34,414 --> 00:00:36,124
Fresh off a successful wine heist
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where his greatest nemesis
became an unexpected ally,
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00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,587
Ben felt on top of the world,
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or at least on top of Model UN
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where in just a few hours, the
highly coveted golden gavel
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would be safely tucked away
in his weird little briefcase.
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Equatorial Guinea would like
to formally request permission
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to nuke the United States.
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[SAMBERG] Unfortunately,
for Ben, however,
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his new ally decided to go
back to being his old nemesis.
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What the hell, Devi?
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♪ If you want to dance ♪
♪ Let it take precedence ♪
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- [SIREN WAILING]
- ♪ 'Cause the floor is watching you ♪
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♪ Ooh ♪
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♪ Ah, ah... ♪
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What?
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Nothing. You're the
one who's looking at me.
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[SAMBERG] Had Ben imagined the nice
conversation they had last night?
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Had he said something weird
while he was drunk on grigio?
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And to make matters worse,
it was a six-hour drive,
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and Ben realized he left his
AirPods back in the hotel room.
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Hello.
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Looks like you could use a seat buddy.
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Egg salad? I've got extra spoons.
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No, thank you.
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♪ Got my belt on tight ♪
♪ And the feeling's right ♪
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♪ Wanna walk right up to you ♪
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Hey, sweetie. No time to talk.
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I'm going to a self-actualization
retreat in Santa Barbara.
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Didn't you just do that?
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No, I went to a mindfulness
workshop in Santa Clara.
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Very different philosophies,
but equally important.
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Okay, sure. Uh, have fun.
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It's not fun, Ben, it's work...
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on me...
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so I can be a better mom to you.
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Gotta run.
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Oh! You know what? I almost forgot.
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You had a big debate tournament.
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Did you get an A?
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Actually, it was Model U...
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Yeah. Yeah, it was great.
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Well, good work.
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When I get back, let's celebrate
with a mother-son sound bath.
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I love you.
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[DOOR CLOSES]
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Love you too.
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[SAMBERG] Ben's mom and dad had
a very unique parenting style
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in that they did none of it.
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So, contrary to his loud,
brash school persona,
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at home he was just
another quiet, lonely kid.
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[BEN] David S. Pumpkins and
his Beat Boy Skeletons. LOL.
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♪ Just moving in the dark ♪
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♪ Cigarettes on the dresser ♪
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♪ Juliana's sleeping ♪
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♪ And it feels like forever... ♪
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Ooh! [GIGGLING]
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[BEN] Hey, can we please stop
posting lame upvote-thirsty memes
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and get back to discussing actual
worthwhile Rick and Morty theories?
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[RICK] That's the problem
when subs get too big.
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They become as unruly
as the Council of Ricks.
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♪ Now you know ♪
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♪ This is the last one ♪
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♪ Now you know ♪
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♪ This is the last one ♪
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♪ For a while ♪
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[PHONE CHIMES]
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[BEN] Hey, Dad. All the blogs are saying
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that Kawhi's looking
strong for tomorrow.
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♪ 'Cause this will be the last one... ♪
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[BEN'S DAD] Fantastic.
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Sounds like we're in for
a hell of a game, buddy.
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♪ ... laugh all the way ♪
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♪ Now you know ♪
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♪ This is the last day... ♪
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[SAMBERG] As friends go,
up through middle school,
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Ben had two solid ride-or-dies.
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There was Brian Lakestone,
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who got dropped off at
school on a motorcycle,
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and Garret Von Kaenel,
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who could burp the theme
song to Game of Thrones.
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But both ended up at
different high schools,
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so as soon as Ben started dating
Shira, her friends became his friends.
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Unfortunately, her friends stunk.
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It's also body shaming when
people say curvy is beautiful.
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Because how's that supposed
to make us size zeros feel?
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Yeah. I mean I even feel
that way as a double zero.
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Hey, Shirs. Excited
for the game tonight?
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Oh, my God. Sweetie, I totally forgot.
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I told Zoe I'd go with her
to a brow sculpting pop-up.
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But you told me you'd go to the
Clippers game, like, two months ago.
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Do you have to get your
brow sculpted tonight?
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Oh, my God. Did you not see my Snapchat?
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It'll be good for my Insta.
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Well, sitting courtside at an NBA game
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is also pretty Gram-worthy, so...
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Maybe if it were a Lakers game,
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but my followers don't want to see
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Billy Crystal eating nachos or whatever.
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The Clippers have been better
than the Lakers for years.
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Never mind.
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Anybody else want Shira's ticket?
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- No.
- No.
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Awesome.
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[GIRLS CHUCKLE]
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Oh!
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Again? Dude.
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Hey, guys. How's it going?
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So, uh, listen, you two
are into sports, right?
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Either of you wanna sit courtside
at the Clippers game tonight?
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I have an extra ticket.
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To go with you, or to
just, like, sit alone?
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No. You'd go with me and my dad.
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So, like, only one of us
could go? We couldn't both go?
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Like I said, it's a single ticket.
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But wouldn't that be weird?
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'Cause, like, we're not
really friends with you.
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Come on. I mean I've known
you since kindergarten.
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Maybe if we'd all hung out
before. Worked up to the game.
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I thought maybe this
would be that bridge.
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But... yeah, never
mind. Forget about it.
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[TRENT] That was weird, right?
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[MARCUS] Yeah, bro.
He never talks to us.
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Oh, but if you don't go,
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we'll just take two of the
tickets and go with your dad.
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- Why didn't I think of that?
- I know.
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I was so proud when I thought
of that idea in this moment.
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So, uh, how was your day?
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Or the first half of it at least.
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Babe?
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- What... What's happening?
- Just do it. It's cute.
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- Mmm.
- [FORCED CHUCKLE]
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Be smilier.
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Oh, uh, okay. [CHUCKLES]
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- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- [GIGGLES]
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Ew. You have a zit.
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Do you want me to pop that for you?
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I don't want that.
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Mmm.
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Okay, fine.
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It's okay if I film it, right?
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- Well, I...
- Smile.
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- Ooh.
- Aah!
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[SAMBERG] Unfortunately, Shira
had gotten a text mid pop
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and had left Ben Gross's
face looking pretty gross.
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[TEACHER] Guess what,
guys? You're in luck.
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Today we're doing a real
live chemistry experiment.
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We're gonna be breaking good.
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[CHUCKLES]
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What is it, Eric?
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Can I go to the nurse's office?
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I think I drank some bad milk.
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How do you know it was bad milk, Eric?
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Well, when I smelled it, it smelled bad,
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and then when I was drinking
it, it got way worse.
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I could barely finish my second glass.
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00:07:00,466 --> 00:07:03,845
David, guess whose dad is taking
them to the Clippers game tonight?
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Courtside seats.
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You know, I have an extra ticket,
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00:07:06,211 --> 00:07:08,391
but only for someone who
apologizes for nuking...
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00:07:08,474 --> 00:07:10,560
Stop talking to me. Don't
you get that I'm mad at you?
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No. Okay, I don't get it.
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What did I even do that was so terrible?
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Let's see.
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I don't know. Maybe
you running your mouth
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about me sleeping with Paxton.
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Now he's pissed at me.
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- What? Why would that make him pissed?
- It doesn't matter.
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Just keep your nose out of my business
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and up the teacher's
butt where it usually is.
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[TEACHER] Quiet please. No
one should be boiling over
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except this beaker of
potassium permanganate.
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Mrs. Paloma, that's gonna be me
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if I can't go to the
nurse's office. Please!
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[SAMBERG] Why wouldn't
Devi want everyone to know
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she was hooking up with
someone out of her league?
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00:07:46,095 --> 00:07:48,085
Paxton Hall-Yoshida made
every other dude in school
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feel bad about himself.
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00:07:49,307 --> 00:07:51,059
He'd gotten pit hair in fourth grade!
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00:07:51,142 --> 00:07:53,561
Had Paxton said or done
something to hurt Devi?
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00:07:53,644 --> 00:07:55,480
And why did Ben even care?
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00:07:55,563 --> 00:07:56,606
You need something, bro?
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00:07:57,315 --> 00:07:58,315
What?
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00:07:59,150 --> 00:08:00,318
Why are you looking at me?
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00:08:00,401 --> 00:08:03,780
- Well... [SCOFFS] I wasn't.
- Yeah, you were. You were staring at me.
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00:08:04,739 --> 00:08:06,366
It's okay. Happens to me a lot.
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00:08:06,449 --> 00:08:09,535
- What... I wasn't stirring... staring.
- Then what were you doing?
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00:08:09,619 --> 00:08:10,995
Um...
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00:08:11,371 --> 00:08:12,622
Do you like the Clippers?
199
00:08:13,122 --> 00:08:14,122
What?
200
00:08:14,499 --> 00:08:15,499
Nothing.
201
00:08:16,084 --> 00:08:17,251
Forget about it. [CHUCKLES]
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00:08:18,878 --> 00:08:19,878
[SAMBERG] Yikes!
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00:08:19,921 --> 00:08:22,715
The usually slick-talking Ben
Gross was for real off his game.
204
00:08:22,799 --> 00:08:24,509
But no worries, the
only game that mattered
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00:08:24,592 --> 00:08:26,719
was the one he was seeing
with his dad in a few hours,
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00:08:26,803 --> 00:08:28,846
and that was gonna be awesome.
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00:08:35,186 --> 00:08:36,187
[PHONE CHIMES]
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00:08:37,146 --> 00:08:38,485
[BEN'S DAD] Hey, buddy. I'm so sorry.
209
00:08:38,486 --> 00:08:40,150
I don't think I'm gonna make it tonight.
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00:08:40,233 --> 00:08:42,735
This Kanye deal is really complicated.
211
00:08:42,819 --> 00:08:44,987
You and Shannon should go
to the game without me.
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00:08:45,071 --> 00:08:47,740
[SAMBERG] In his dad's defense,
Kanye's deal was complicated.
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00:08:47,824 --> 00:08:49,909
He wanted to trademark the word "music."
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00:08:49,992 --> 00:08:51,327
But that didn't matter to Ben,
215
00:08:51,411 --> 00:08:54,122
who was surprisingly sad for someone
who should have seen this coming.
216
00:08:54,205 --> 00:08:56,332
[BEN] That sucks. Can you reschedule?
217
00:08:59,585 --> 00:09:02,505
Typical. And her name is Shira.
218
00:09:06,843 --> 00:09:09,220
We will. Good luck with work.
219
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:10,805
[PHONE CHIMES]
220
00:09:16,227 --> 00:09:18,980
- Hey, Patty.
- Oh! Yes, my sweet prince.
221
00:09:19,063 --> 00:09:21,190
Oh! I just ironed your
socks for the big game.
222
00:09:21,274 --> 00:09:22,442
Nice and warm.
223
00:09:22,525 --> 00:09:24,861
Actually, I just realized that
I got a lot of homework to do,
224
00:09:24,944 --> 00:09:26,654
so I don't think I'm
gonna go to the game.
225
00:09:27,155 --> 00:09:28,197
And on an unrelated note,
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00:09:28,281 --> 00:09:29,824
my dad also has too much work to do.
227
00:09:29,907 --> 00:09:32,660
So I guess being a
workaholic runs in the family.
228
00:09:33,286 --> 00:09:37,331
- [LAUGHS] Anyway, do you want the tickets?
- Why don't we go together?
229
00:09:37,415 --> 00:09:40,460
I can bring a Ziploc bag
with frozen grapes in it, huh?
230
00:09:40,543 --> 00:09:42,837
Nah. I gotta write a thing,
231
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:46,632
and, uh, do some, uh... some...
some science and other stuff.
232
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,759
Then I will stay here with you.
233
00:09:49,135 --> 00:09:52,430
Why don't we build a pillow fort, and
watch a scary movie like Shrek?
234
00:09:52,513 --> 00:09:53,639
It's okay, Patty.
235
00:09:54,182 --> 00:09:56,517
You should just go to
the game. Take your sons.
236
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:57,685
Oh.
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00:09:58,603 --> 00:10:00,396
You're a sweet boy.
238
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,899
I will place my body in
front of t-shirt cannon
239
00:10:02,982 --> 00:10:04,400
to bring you home souvenir.
240
00:10:04,842 --> 00:10:05,859
Thanks.
241
00:10:05,860 --> 00:10:06,944
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
242
00:10:07,361 --> 00:10:09,614
Do you think Billy
Crystal will be there?
243
00:10:10,323 --> 00:10:11,741
I better go put on makeup.
244
00:10:17,497 --> 00:10:19,832
[SHIRA] #eyebrows #selfcare
245
00:10:19,916 --> 00:10:21,334
#thefutureisfemale
246
00:10:21,709 --> 00:10:22,709
[PHONE DINGS]
247
00:10:25,379 --> 00:10:27,673
[ANNOUNCER] Billy Crystal
sharing nachos with his neighbor,
248
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,300
and she seems to be reciprocating
249
00:10:29,383 --> 00:10:31,594
with a bag of frozen
grapes from her purse.
250
00:10:31,677 --> 00:10:35,598
Wow. Even a city slicker can't
resist a healthy game-time treat.
251
00:10:35,681 --> 00:10:37,767
[BEN] I know her. That's my housekeeper.
252
00:10:37,850 --> 00:10:39,143
When Billy met Patty.
253
00:10:40,311 --> 00:10:42,730
[RICK] Hey, aren't you on the
Rick and Morty subreddit?
254
00:10:43,189 --> 00:10:44,440
You live in LA?
255
00:10:44,857 --> 00:10:46,901
[BEN] Born and raised. LOL.
256
00:10:47,401 --> 00:10:48,569
[RICK] LMAO. Same.
257
00:10:48,653 --> 00:10:51,447
Yo, I'm hitting up North End
Pizza in Burbank to watch the game
258
00:10:51,531 --> 00:10:52,782
if you want to come through.
259
00:10:54,325 --> 00:10:56,202
[BEN] I'm there, dude.
Let's get schwifty.
260
00:11:06,379 --> 00:11:09,048
[SAMBERG] Ben entered North End
Pizza excited at the prospect
261
00:11:09,131 --> 00:11:11,592
of hanging with another
teenage comedy fan.
262
00:11:12,635 --> 00:11:14,095
AreolaGrande007?
263
00:11:14,595 --> 00:11:16,222
Areola. Hey.
264
00:11:16,305 --> 00:11:19,433
It's me, TheRealPickleRick69...
from Reddit...
265
00:11:19,517 --> 00:11:21,561
you know, the link aggregator.
266
00:11:21,936 --> 00:11:24,105
[BEN] Okay. That is not a teenager.
267
00:11:24,188 --> 00:11:25,940
Uh... Hi.
268
00:11:26,023 --> 00:11:28,901
Hey, man. It is so great
to meet ya. [CHUCKLES]
269
00:11:29,026 --> 00:11:30,861
Oh, my name actually is Rick.
270
00:11:31,445 --> 00:11:33,406
Sit down. Get your slice on.
271
00:11:33,489 --> 00:11:37,994
Uh... Yeah, I'm gonna withhold
my name for a moment. [CHUCKLES]
272
00:11:38,077 --> 00:11:39,390
Really thought you
were gonna be younger.
273
00:11:39,391 --> 00:11:40,997
Your username has a 69 in it.
274
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,332
Oh, that's because I was born in 1969.
275
00:11:43,791 --> 00:11:44,917
But I'm young at heart, fam.
276
00:11:45,001 --> 00:11:47,128
I watch mad cartoons. Just like you.
277
00:11:47,211 --> 00:11:49,297
Oh, I wonder what
else we have in common.
278
00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:50,464
Probably a lot.
279
00:11:50,881 --> 00:11:53,551
I gotta be honest, this setup
feels sort of sketchy to me,
280
00:11:53,634 --> 00:11:54,719
so I'm gonna go.
281
00:11:54,802 --> 00:11:58,514
Look, I get it. I'm a 50-year-old
insurance adjuster from Tarzana.
282
00:11:59,056 --> 00:12:00,766
But I'm also a Rick and Morty fan,
283
00:12:01,183 --> 00:12:03,352
and I don't have anyone
to talk to about it.
284
00:12:03,936 --> 00:12:06,022
I joked about getting a
Mr. Meeseeks for the office,
285
00:12:06,105 --> 00:12:08,524
and my co-workers looked at
me like I was a total Jerry.
286
00:12:10,401 --> 00:12:12,987
It'd just be nice to talk
to someone who gets me,
287
00:12:13,571 --> 00:12:15,948
but I understand if you want to go.
288
00:12:16,365 --> 00:12:18,367
[SAMBERG] Ben found
himself strangely moved.
289
00:12:18,451 --> 00:12:20,161
I mean, who was he to judge this guy?
290
00:12:20,244 --> 00:12:21,662
He was just as lonely,
291
00:12:21,746 --> 00:12:24,248
and honestly, Rick and Morty
themselves have a huge age gap,
292
00:12:24,332 --> 00:12:26,334
- and look at the fun they have.
- [SIGHS]
293
00:12:27,084 --> 00:12:28,502
You know what? You're right.
294
00:12:28,586 --> 00:12:30,546
I'm sorry if I was being rude.
295
00:12:30,630 --> 00:12:33,633
We're just two fans eating
pizza and talking about cartoons.
296
00:12:33,716 --> 00:12:35,843
- It's totally normal.
- I know, right?
297
00:12:35,926 --> 00:12:37,803
Oh, careful, buddy. That pizza is hot.
298
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:39,305
You might want to blow on it first.
299
00:12:41,766 --> 00:12:42,766
Slower.
300
00:12:43,768 --> 00:12:44,977
Slower.
301
00:12:45,394 --> 00:12:47,229
Yeah, that's it.
302
00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:49,273
[SAMBERG] Yeah, that's not normal.
303
00:12:49,357 --> 00:12:51,484
He doesn't want to just talk
toons. Get out of there!
304
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:53,861
- Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go.
- Oh, come on, man.
305
00:12:53,944 --> 00:12:55,946
It's not weird unless you make it weird.
306
00:12:58,574 --> 00:13:00,409
[MUMBLES] Let's go, Clippers.
307
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,287
Oof! Ooh!
308
00:13:03,371 --> 00:13:04,872
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
309
00:13:05,873 --> 00:13:07,291
[SAMBERG] Ben was a resilient kid.
310
00:13:07,375 --> 00:13:10,961
Whenever he experienced a setback,
and last night was a real doozy,
311
00:13:11,045 --> 00:13:13,214
he always bounced back
stronger than before.
312
00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:15,633
Whoops! He pulled his drawer out.
313
00:13:15,716 --> 00:13:17,385
- [GROWLS]
- Yeah, he's sad.
314
00:13:18,386 --> 00:13:22,306
♪ We break hearts like bones ♪
♪ And take the Tyrone ♪
315
00:13:22,556 --> 00:13:25,059
- ♪ We want everything... ♪
- [GIRLS GIGGLING]
316
00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:30,523
♪ Are made of the same stuff ♪
♪ The fire we're made of ♪
317
00:13:31,107 --> 00:13:34,568
♪ We're never in love ♪
318
00:13:35,069 --> 00:13:38,864
♪ Enough as the cows ♪
♪ Come drink me all out ♪
319
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:42,034
♪ Get drunk on my wine ♪
320
00:13:43,411 --> 00:13:45,496
♪ For kicks and for pleasure... ♪
321
00:13:45,579 --> 00:13:46,580
Whoa!
322
00:13:46,831 --> 00:13:48,165
Oh! What the hell?
323
00:13:48,249 --> 00:13:49,583
Oh, no. My bad.
324
00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:51,627
I thought there was like
a roach on your face, man.
325
00:13:51,711 --> 00:13:53,421
'Cause there's mad
roaches in this school.
326
00:13:53,504 --> 00:13:56,757
But it's just like a huge zit.
327
00:13:56,841 --> 00:13:57,967
Yeah, it's cool.
328
00:13:58,050 --> 00:13:59,468
You should get that looked at.
329
00:13:59,552 --> 00:14:01,303
I heard that if a zit gets too big,
330
00:14:01,387 --> 00:14:04,140
it can, like, leak into
your brain and kill you.
331
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:05,891
Yeah, sure. I'll do that.
332
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,852
All right. I guess it's
good that I slapped you
333
00:14:07,935 --> 00:14:09,353
so I can give you this helpful info.
334
00:14:09,437 --> 00:14:11,021
Sure. Thank you.
335
00:14:11,105 --> 00:14:12,105
You're welcome.
336
00:14:12,732 --> 00:14:15,025
Oh, wait. That Clippers
game was valid, brah.
337
00:14:15,109 --> 00:14:17,111
It must've been tight to sit courtside.
338
00:14:21,323 --> 00:14:22,742
[DOOR OPENS]
339
00:14:22,825 --> 00:14:25,369
Benjamin, so good to see you.
340
00:14:26,036 --> 00:14:28,080
I heard we had an uninvited
guest on your chin.
341
00:14:28,164 --> 00:14:29,749
Yeah, I don't normally get zits.
342
00:14:29,832 --> 00:14:32,334
I guess this one's probably just
an ingrown hair from my beard.
343
00:14:32,793 --> 00:14:34,920
No. It looks like a normal pimple.
344
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,505
I actually don't see much of a beard.
345
00:14:36,589 --> 00:14:38,716
Well, I'm pretty good shaving.
So that's probably why.
346
00:14:39,341 --> 00:14:40,341
Yes, I'm sure.
347
00:14:40,801 --> 00:14:44,263
I am going to prepare a
cortisone shot for you.
348
00:14:44,346 --> 00:14:46,974
You know, Benjamin, I
really have to thank you.
349
00:14:47,057 --> 00:14:49,185
You keep my Devi on her toes.
350
00:14:49,268 --> 00:14:51,437
- Well, she keeps me on my toes too.
- [CHUCKLES]
351
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,774
Every night at dinner, I have to
hear about this rivalry of yours.
352
00:14:54,857 --> 00:14:57,735
"Ben Gross aced a math test.
Ben Gross aced a history test.
353
00:14:57,818 --> 00:14:59,945
Prescribe me Adderall
so I can beat Ben Gross."
354
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,280
She's obsessed with me.
355
00:15:02,782 --> 00:15:04,825
Wait. You guys have dinner
together every night?
356
00:15:04,909 --> 00:15:06,327
Of course. We're family.
357
00:15:06,744 --> 00:15:07,744
All that to say,
358
00:15:07,745 --> 00:15:10,372
you're a very smart boy
with a very bright future.
359
00:15:10,456 --> 00:15:12,041
Your parents must be so proud.
360
00:15:12,124 --> 00:15:13,876
[SAMBERG] After a pretty bleak 24 hours,
361
00:15:13,959 --> 00:15:16,253
this small platitude was
more than Ben could handle.
362
00:15:16,337 --> 00:15:17,755
Here comes a little pinch.
363
00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:22,051
There we go.
364
00:15:23,994 --> 00:15:25,053
Dammit.
365
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:27,306
I knew we shouldn't have
bought generic numbing cream.
366
00:15:27,389 --> 00:15:29,350
From now on, name brand only.
367
00:15:29,850 --> 00:15:31,268
Are you okay, sweetie?
368
00:15:31,352 --> 00:15:32,853
[VOICE BREAKS] I'm fine. Uh...
369
00:15:36,315 --> 00:15:38,984
I just... I haven't eaten dinner
with anyone in a long time.
370
00:15:39,610 --> 00:15:40,986
Oh, you poor thing.
371
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,906
I'm fine. You know, my
life is totally awesome.
372
00:15:45,366 --> 00:15:48,077
[STAMMERS] I don't even
know why I cried. Uh...
373
00:15:50,204 --> 00:15:52,206
Oh, maybe I was allergic to the shot.
374
00:15:53,123 --> 00:15:56,168
Or, uh... Or something.
Was there bee pollen in it?
375
00:15:56,252 --> 00:15:57,753
There was not.
376
00:15:58,337 --> 00:16:00,631
[CHUCKLES, WHIMPERS]
377
00:16:01,173 --> 00:16:03,050
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
378
00:16:04,593 --> 00:16:06,105
I like to put just one chili.
379
00:16:06,106 --> 00:16:08,264
Otherwise, it kind of
overpowers the taste.
380
00:16:08,347 --> 00:16:11,016
Everybody, we have a very
special guest for dinner tonight.
381
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,520
Kamala, please lower the
spice level accordingly.
382
00:16:15,521 --> 00:16:17,356
Oh, hell no.
383
00:16:18,983 --> 00:16:20,985
[SAMBERG] As he stood in
his sworn enemy's kitchen
384
00:16:21,068 --> 00:16:22,444
awaiting the pity dinner to come,
385
00:16:22,528 --> 00:16:24,864
Ben's embarrassment had
reached a fever pitch.
386
00:16:24,947 --> 00:16:26,949
[NALINI] How can you
be so rude to that boy?
387
00:16:27,032 --> 00:16:28,242
[DEVI] Because he sucks.
388
00:16:28,325 --> 00:16:30,286
It's bad enough I have see
him every day at school.
389
00:16:30,369 --> 00:16:32,121
Now we're just letting
him into our home?
390
00:16:32,204 --> 00:16:33,914
So, Ben...
391
00:16:34,623 --> 00:16:36,500
what are you hobbies and interests?
392
00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:38,711
[STAMMERS] Oh, well, I really am into...
393
00:16:38,794 --> 00:16:41,755
[NALINI] That young man is a
human being, and he's very sad.
394
00:16:41,839 --> 00:16:43,424
Do you know he cried in my office today?
395
00:16:43,507 --> 00:16:46,427
So many tears, I had to wipe
down the chair after he left.
396
00:16:46,510 --> 00:16:47,636
[DEVI] That's not my problem!
397
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,555
We just had the vents cleaned.
398
00:16:49,638 --> 00:16:51,974
It's crazy how well the sound carries.
399
00:16:52,057 --> 00:16:54,894
[NALINI] He's going through a hard
time with his family and girlfriend,
400
00:16:54,977 --> 00:16:58,022
and he had one of the nastiest
pimples I've ever seen in my career.
401
00:16:58,397 --> 00:17:00,983
- [PAN CLATTERS]
- Oops! Dropped my pan.
402
00:17:01,525 --> 00:17:03,235
I thought that would be loud for longer.
403
00:17:03,319 --> 00:17:05,696
[NALINI] You complain you want
your friends to come over more.
404
00:17:05,779 --> 00:17:08,449
- [DEVI] Ben Gross is not my friend.
- [NALINI] Why not?
405
00:17:08,532 --> 00:17:11,201
He is nice, and smart, and
he could never buy drugs
406
00:17:11,285 --> 00:17:12,453
because he looks like a narc.
407
00:17:12,536 --> 00:17:14,955
Can't you be polite
for just one evening?
408
00:17:15,331 --> 00:17:18,167
At least she said "nice" and "smart."
409
00:17:18,876 --> 00:17:20,961
Those are some of the
best adjectives there are.
410
00:17:21,045 --> 00:17:22,796
She also called me a narc.
411
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,298
You should be proud of that.
412
00:17:24,381 --> 00:17:26,091
The police won't work with just anyone.
413
00:17:27,217 --> 00:17:29,929
Ben, it's so good to
have you in my home,
414
00:17:30,012 --> 00:17:33,474
a place I usually consider
a safe haven from my nemeses.
415
00:17:33,557 --> 00:17:35,893
Devi, you promised you'd be polite.
416
00:17:35,976 --> 00:17:37,686
I said it was good to
have him in our home.
417
00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:39,688
If you want to stay on
the family cell phone plan,
418
00:17:39,772 --> 00:17:41,690
you're going to have to be
better behaved than that.
419
00:17:42,358 --> 00:17:45,194
Now, why don't you tell us one
thing you learned today at school.
420
00:17:45,277 --> 00:17:46,277
Fine.
421
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,447
I learned that the tangent of theta
422
00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:49,784
is equal to the sine of theta
423
00:17:49,785 --> 00:17:52,533
- divided by the cosine of theta. Happy?
- Extremely.
424
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:55,537
Today I learned that if you forget
your wallet at the grocery store,
425
00:17:55,621 --> 00:17:57,623
the cashier will pay for
your items personally,
426
00:17:57,706 --> 00:18:00,376
and even give you his phone number
to make sure you get home okay.
427
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,880
Benjamin, I hear you were on that
last-minute Model UN trip to Davis.
428
00:18:04,964 --> 00:18:06,840
Oh, it wasn't so
last-minute for everyone.
429
00:18:06,924 --> 00:18:09,134
Some of us spent months
preparing for that trip.
430
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:11,350
But Devi came in with no preparation
431
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,305
and still became the
talk of the weekend.
432
00:18:13,389 --> 00:18:16,599
- Oh. Really? Why was that?
- No reason.
433
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,185
[SAMBERG] If there had ever
been a perfect opportunity
434
00:18:18,186 --> 00:18:20,395
to nuke Devi back, this was it.
435
00:18:20,396 --> 00:18:23,357
Well, you know Devi.
She's a real firecracker.
436
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,276
Oh, no. What did she do?
437
00:18:26,777 --> 00:18:29,238
[SAMBERG] Instead, he
decided to stand down.
438
00:18:30,322 --> 00:18:31,322
Nothing bad.
439
00:18:31,824 --> 00:18:35,035
She just brought a lot of passion
to her role as Equatorial Guinea.
440
00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:36,250
I mean, as a first timer,
441
00:18:36,251 --> 00:18:38,706
I don't think anyone's
ever made such a big impact.
442
00:18:39,373 --> 00:18:42,418
She, uh, truly obliterated
the competition.
443
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:46,380
Mmm, Devi, sounds like you
are quite the little diplomat.
444
00:18:46,463 --> 00:18:47,589
Good for you.
445
00:18:47,673 --> 00:18:50,426
You know, when I was in school,
my only extracurricular activity
446
00:18:50,509 --> 00:18:52,386
was bathing my senile grandmother.
447
00:18:52,469 --> 00:18:54,054
She fought me every time.
448
00:18:54,138 --> 00:18:55,681
- [LAUGHING] Really?
- What? No.
449
00:18:55,764 --> 00:18:58,517
[SAMBERG] Ben couldn't remember
the last family dinner he'd had.
450
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,020
Probably May 2018, when his dad's flight
451
00:19:01,103 --> 00:19:02,813
to the Billboard Music
Awards got canceled.
452
00:19:02,896 --> 00:19:04,136
And even though this family dinner
453
00:19:04,137 --> 00:19:06,275
featured humiliation,
bickering, threats,
454
00:19:06,358 --> 00:19:08,402
and food that was far too spicy,
455
00:19:08,485 --> 00:19:10,154
it was still a family dinner.
456
00:19:10,487 --> 00:19:12,156
And that was pretty cool.
457
00:19:21,732 --> 00:19:22,749
Hey.
458
00:19:22,750 --> 00:19:23,792
Um...
459
00:19:23,876 --> 00:19:26,295
Thanks for not ratting
me out about Model UN.
460
00:19:26,837 --> 00:19:29,048
I've kinda been a dick
to you lately, so...
461
00:19:29,631 --> 00:19:31,258
I honestly would've deserved it.
462
00:19:31,341 --> 00:19:32,975
Yeah, well, sometimes it's fun
463
00:19:32,976 --> 00:19:34,970
to make other people's
days as shitty as yours,
464
00:19:35,054 --> 00:19:36,764
but today I didn't have it in me.
465
00:19:37,264 --> 00:19:38,640
What happened to you?
466
00:19:38,724 --> 00:19:40,684
And why did you cry at my mom's office?
467
00:19:40,768 --> 00:19:43,145
Was it just about the
giant herpe on your face?
468
00:19:43,228 --> 00:19:46,732
It wasn't a big deal. I
was... kinda feeling bummed.
469
00:19:46,815 --> 00:19:48,484
Why? Did you butler quit?
470
00:19:48,984 --> 00:19:50,145
Hey, I'm trying to be vulnerable here.
471
00:19:50,146 --> 00:19:51,862
Also, we don't have butlers anymore.
472
00:19:51,945 --> 00:19:54,364
- We call them house managers now.
- Okay, okay. Sorry.
473
00:19:55,866 --> 00:19:58,077
Why are you feeling bummed?
474
00:19:59,620 --> 00:20:00,662
I don't know.
475
00:20:01,997 --> 00:20:05,042
I guess sometimes I feel
like I'm an NBA player, but...
476
00:20:06,043 --> 00:20:08,712
no matter how many points I
score, my dad always ignores me,
477
00:20:08,796 --> 00:20:11,173
and my girlfriend only
likes me for my money.
478
00:20:11,882 --> 00:20:14,968
I wish your metaphor had been
something more in my wheelhouse,
479
00:20:15,052 --> 00:20:17,763
like celebrity gossip
or YouTube promposals,
480
00:20:18,597 --> 00:20:20,641
but I think I understand
what you're getting at.
481
00:20:20,724 --> 00:20:23,685
Also, I'm sorry if I messed
things up for you and Paxton.
482
00:20:23,769 --> 00:20:25,229
Oh, you didn't.
483
00:20:25,312 --> 00:20:26,730
Well, maybe if I kept my mouth shut,
484
00:20:26,731 --> 00:20:28,524
then you guys would've had a chance.
485
00:20:29,775 --> 00:20:31,568
I never had sex with Paxton.
486
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,361
What?
487
00:20:33,612 --> 00:20:35,114
I never had sex with Paxton.
488
00:20:35,572 --> 00:20:37,533
I just let everyone believe that I did.
489
00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:42,663
Oh! So he's mad at you for
lying about having sex with him.
490
00:20:43,205 --> 00:20:44,832
That makes way more sense.
491
00:20:45,249 --> 00:20:47,042
I mean, we got close to hooking up.
492
00:20:47,126 --> 00:20:49,503
Well, as close as you
can get without kissing.
493
00:20:51,171 --> 00:20:52,965
He took off his shirt,
and I freaked out.
494
00:20:53,966 --> 00:20:56,552
- I know. I'm a loser.
- Oh, you think you're a loser?
495
00:20:57,302 --> 00:21:00,514
I was so lonely, I got catfished
by a middle-aged man yesterday.
496
00:21:00,597 --> 00:21:03,559
Ben, you don't have to make up
something sadder to make me feel better.
497
00:21:03,642 --> 00:21:07,187
For real. He was a 50-year-old
insurance adjuster from Tarzana,
498
00:21:07,271 --> 00:21:08,939
and he asked me to blow on some pizza.
499
00:21:09,022 --> 00:21:11,150
- No.
- Yes. It was messed up.
500
00:21:11,233 --> 00:21:14,361
[SAMBERG] Ben guarded his sadness
the same way I guard my Emmy award,
501
00:21:14,444 --> 00:21:15,612
by burying it deep.
502
00:21:15,696 --> 00:21:17,656
I put all of my awards
in an underground bunker
503
00:21:17,739 --> 00:21:18,782
with my Garbage Pail Kids,
504
00:21:18,866 --> 00:21:21,827
but letting it all hang out there
left Ben feeling a little lighter
505
00:21:21,910 --> 00:21:22,995
and ready to face a new day.
506
00:21:25,664 --> 00:21:27,249
Give me your mechanical pencil.
507
00:21:27,332 --> 00:21:29,334
I need more photos of me looking smart.
508
00:21:29,668 --> 00:21:31,295
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
509
00:21:33,839 --> 00:21:34,882
[PHONE DINGS]
510
00:21:37,634 --> 00:21:40,512
[DEVI] So you never have to
accept food from a pedo again.
511
00:21:43,098 --> 00:21:45,851
[SAMBERG] Although on the surface it
didn't seem like much had changed,
512
00:21:45,934 --> 00:21:48,937
today was the least lonely
Ben had felt in a long time.
513
00:21:49,688 --> 00:21:51,523
Anyways, that about does it for me.
514
00:21:51,607 --> 00:21:53,150
On behalf of Ben, Devi,
515
00:21:53,233 --> 00:21:55,319
and the whole gang at
Sherman Oaks High School,
516
00:21:55,402 --> 00:21:56,570
I'm Andy Samberg.
517
00:21:56,653 --> 00:21:58,363
McEnroe, back to you.
518
00:21:58,822 --> 00:21:59,907
♪ Baby ♪
519
00:22:04,703 --> 00:22:06,580
♪ Who you wanna be? ♪
520
00:22:08,665 --> 00:22:10,709
♪ Who you wanna be? ♪
521
00:22:12,294 --> 00:22:14,254
♪ I'm the one that holds you ♪
522
00:22:16,089 --> 00:22:18,175
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
523
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,137
♪ I'm the one that holds you ♪
524
00:22:23,513 --> 00:22:26,516
♪ Forever till we die ♪
525
00:22:27,309 --> 00:22:29,603
♪ So it's time we take ♪
526
00:22:31,021 --> 00:22:33,523
♪ All the memories away ♪
527
00:22:34,733 --> 00:22:37,152
♪ I'm the one that holds you ♪
528
00:22:38,612 --> 00:22:40,697
♪ In the middle night ♪
529
00:22:40,698 --> 00:22:45,698
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
42267
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