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1
00:00:16,081 --> 00:00:20,241
MAN: I've always known that
God's had a sense of humour.
2
00:00:20,401 --> 00:00:24,521
Why else would they put us all
on the back of a giant turtle?
3
00:00:24,681 --> 00:00:28,041
Of course, I had assumed
I was in on the joke.
4
00:00:28,201 --> 00:00:32,401
As it turns out, I, Moist von Lipwig,
am the butt of it.
5
00:00:35,441 --> 00:00:37,561
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
6
00:00:41,961 --> 00:00:44,201
Can you clacks it
to Genua, please, dear?
7
00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:53,361
(LAUGHS)
8
00:02:36,201 --> 00:02:38,201
Bloody hellfire.
9
00:02:47,161 --> 00:02:50,321
When are they gonna spend
some money on this system?
10
00:02:50,481 --> 00:02:53,641
(DOG HOWLS IN THE DISTANCE)
11
00:03:04,721 --> 00:03:07,801
(MENACING VOICE)
Good evening, John Dearheart.
12
00:03:07,961 --> 00:03:08,921
Who's there?
13
00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:10,801
And goodnight.
14
00:03:10,961 --> 00:03:12,921
(SCREAMS)
15
00:03:13,081 --> 00:03:14,921
Argh!
16
00:03:15,081 --> 00:03:17,201
(PANTS)
17
00:03:22,841 --> 00:03:26,241
Argh! Argh!
18
00:03:26,401 --> 00:03:28,361
(SCREAMS)
19
00:03:35,161 --> 00:03:37,441
VON LIPWIG: There is always an angle.
20
00:03:37,601 --> 00:03:42,161
I've come to realise it's the one thing
in life you can rely on.
21
00:03:42,321 --> 00:03:45,561
The trick is finding that angle.
22
00:03:45,721 --> 00:03:50,401
The events I'm about to recount
may seem extraordinary,
23
00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:53,881
callous, criminal, even.
24
00:03:54,041 --> 00:03:56,361
But reflecting
on all that's happened,
25
00:03:56,521 --> 00:03:59,041
in many ways, I feel blameless.
26
00:04:05,441 --> 00:04:10,641
Perhaps you'd be more sympathetic
if I started from the very beginning.
27
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:17,041
You see, on the day I was orphaned,
I had only two things to my name -
28
00:04:17,201 --> 00:04:21,041
the family nag,
and 'nag' is being generous,
29
00:04:21,201 --> 00:04:23,881
and my wits.
30
00:04:24,041 --> 00:04:29,881
But wit, and a bit of boot polish,
can turn a nag into a horse...
31
00:04:32,041 --> 00:04:33,921
...for about 20 minutes...
32
00:04:35,161 --> 00:04:36,641
...which is all I needed.
33
00:04:39,921 --> 00:04:46,041
12 horse trades later, and I had
enough cash to get into diamonds.
34
00:04:46,201 --> 00:04:48,281
$25.
35
00:04:48,441 --> 00:04:49,601
Is that all?
36
00:04:52,081 --> 00:04:53,641
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
37
00:04:57,841 --> 00:04:58,761
Got her!
38
00:04:58,921 --> 00:05:04,521
She'd seen a $100 diamond,
but she'd bought a $1 lump of glass.
39
00:05:04,681 --> 00:05:07,361
You see, I'm a firm believer
in the saying
40
00:05:07,521 --> 00:05:10,201
“You can't fool an honest man.”
41
00:05:10,361 --> 00:05:12,201
It was on this premise
that I built my career.
42
00:05:12,361 --> 00:05:13,201
(RINGS BELL)
43
00:05:13,361 --> 00:05:15,921
Rob, trick, forge, embezzle.
44
00:05:16,081 --> 00:05:18,761
I can't deny
I did every con in the book.
45
00:05:20,641 --> 00:05:22,441
And when I finished
the book of cons,
46
00:05:22,601 --> 00:05:25,041
I started writing chapters of my own.
47
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:26,641
News!
48
00:05:26,801 --> 00:05:29,641
'Times'! 'Times'!
49
00:05:29,801 --> 00:05:32,401
Bond crisis rambles on!
50
00:05:41,881 --> 00:05:45,041
Albert Spangler, chief bursar
for the Undertakers' Guild.
51
00:05:45,201 --> 00:05:47,801
You might be interested
in our new compensation scheme
52
00:05:47,961 --> 00:05:51,401
for losses incurred by the, er...
53
00:05:53,961 --> 00:05:56,681
...fake bond scandal.
54
00:05:59,041 --> 00:06:02,401
Good dollars for fake bonds,
fake dollars for good bonds.
55
00:06:02,561 --> 00:06:04,201
Switch the cash bags,
56
00:06:04,361 --> 00:06:06,121
add a dash of short change,
57
00:06:06,281 --> 00:06:08,641
bank on a little greed.
58
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:12,321
By the time we'd finished,
I was $200 up.
59
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:17,321
Not a fortune, but enough
for a good night on the town.
60
00:06:25,841 --> 00:06:28,201
(SNIFFS)
61
00:06:29,881 --> 00:06:31,281
(GROWLS)
62
00:06:35,481 --> 00:06:36,601
Albert Spangler?
63
00:06:37,681 --> 00:06:43,081
Never heard of him.
But for you, I could be anyone.
64
00:06:43,241 --> 00:06:44,921
Could you be lunch?
65
00:06:45,081 --> 00:06:47,721
(GROWLS)
66
00:06:47,881 --> 00:06:51,961
How was I to know the City Watch's
finest sergeant was a werewolf?
67
00:06:52,121 --> 00:06:53,441
(GROWLS)
68
00:07:11,721 --> 00:07:13,081
Eurgh!
69
00:07:21,121 --> 00:07:22,841
I 'd been in tighter spots.
70
00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:24,321
The mortar was soft.
71
00:07:24,481 --> 00:07:26,801
With a decent metal spoon
and time on my hands,
72
00:07:26,961 --> 00:07:28,561
a few weeks hard digging,
73
00:07:28,721 --> 00:07:30,321
and I'd be free.
74
00:07:51,081 --> 00:07:52,361
(MAN SHOUTS OUTSIDE)
75
00:08:00,441 --> 00:08:01,921
(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
76
00:08:04,441 --> 00:08:07,041
(GROANS)
77
00:08:08,201 --> 00:08:09,561
Ohh!
78
00:08:18,641 --> 00:08:20,641
(APPLAUSE)
79
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,921
Well done, Mr Lipwig.
80
00:08:24,641 --> 00:08:26,401
You set this up.
81
00:08:26,561 --> 00:08:28,161
Lord Vetinari's orders.
82
00:08:28,321 --> 00:08:30,481
He calls it occupational therapy.
83
00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:33,481
Occupa...
I call it torture.
84
00:08:33,641 --> 00:08:34,961
Not upset, are you?
85
00:08:35,121 --> 00:08:37,801
Only you've really entered
into the spirit of the thing.
86
00:08:37,961 --> 00:08:40,161
Admirable,
the way you kept going,
87
00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:43,161
stuffing all the dust
into your mattress.
88
00:08:43,321 --> 00:08:45,161
Very tidy.
89
00:08:45,321 --> 00:08:47,441
Now, you really should
get some rest.
90
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,601
We'll be hanging you
in half an hour.
91
00:08:53,361 --> 00:08:56,161
Hanging? For one little con?
92
00:08:56,321 --> 00:08:59,401
That and these.
93
00:09:04,921 --> 00:09:09,041
There's got to be at least
$150,000 worth of fraud here.
94
00:09:10,321 --> 00:09:12,921
And these are just
the cons we can prove.
95
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:28,681
Good morning, sir.
96
00:09:28,841 --> 00:09:32,761
I am Trooper and I will be
your executioner for today.
97
00:09:32,921 --> 00:09:34,521
Don't look so worried, sir.
98
00:09:34,681 --> 00:09:36,481
I've hanged hundreds of people
99
00:09:36,641 --> 00:09:38,601
and we'll have you
out of here in no time.
100
00:09:38,761 --> 00:09:40,321
That's what I'm worried about.
101
00:09:40,481 --> 00:09:43,641
(CROWD CALLS OUT)
102
00:09:43,801 --> 00:09:46,601
Now, before we start,
about your rope, sir.
103
00:09:46,761 --> 00:09:47,681
It sounds strange,
104
00:09:47,841 --> 00:09:50,961
but there's a lot
of specialist collectors out there
105
00:09:51,121 --> 00:09:53,361
and I'm gonna auction it
on the clacks.
106
00:09:53,521 --> 00:09:57,081
It's the coming thing, you know.
Worth more signed, of course.
107
00:09:59,441 --> 00:10:00,921
Much obliged.
108
00:10:03,401 --> 00:10:05,841
Which just leaves the small matter
of your final words.
109
00:10:06,001 --> 00:10:07,761
I wasn't actually expecting to die.
110
00:10:07,921 --> 00:10:09,841
Very good.
We haven't heard that one before.
111
00:10:10,001 --> 00:10:11,801
Everybody ready?
Not me. Not me.
112
00:10:11,961 --> 00:10:14,121
Oh, you are a card, sir.
(LAUGHS)
113
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:18,121
I bring an edict from Lord Vetinari,
patrician of Ankh-Morpork.
114
00:10:18,281 --> 00:10:20,201
(LAUGHS) A reprieve!
115
00:10:20,361 --> 00:10:23,121
He says to get on with it.
116
00:10:23,281 --> 00:10:26,161
(SPECTATORS CHEER)
117
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:28,161
The last words, sir?
118
00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:33,961
I commend my soul to any god
that can find it.
119
00:10:34,121 --> 00:10:36,401
Very nice. We'll go with that.
120
00:10:36,561 --> 00:10:37,601
(CHEERING)
121
00:10:59,281 --> 00:11:00,641
(EXHALES)
122
00:11:02,521 --> 00:11:04,881
Ah, Mr Lipwig, I see you are awake.
123
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:06,001
(GROANS)
124
00:11:06,161 --> 00:11:09,641
And still alive at the present time.
125
00:11:11,361 --> 00:11:12,841
Ooh!
126
00:11:13,001 --> 00:11:15,281
You've danced the sisal two-step.
127
00:11:16,361 --> 00:11:18,721
It's a very precise science,
hanging a man,
128
00:11:18,881 --> 00:11:21,121
and Mr Trooper is a master.
129
00:11:22,241 --> 00:11:24,281
But only an expert
would have spotted
130
00:11:24,441 --> 00:11:27,161
that you were hanged to within
an inch of your life.
131
00:11:27,321 --> 00:11:30,641
The last inch being
the crux of the matter.
132
00:11:30,801 --> 00:11:32,761
You see, sometimes,
133
00:11:32,921 --> 00:11:37,161
when a man has made such a foul
and tangled mess of his life
134
00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:39,881
that death appears
to be the only option...
135
00:11:40,921 --> 00:11:42,521
...an angel appears
136
00:11:42,681 --> 00:11:45,081
and offers him a change of life.
137
00:11:46,721 --> 00:11:50,001
I should like you
to think of me as that angel.
138
00:11:51,881 --> 00:11:53,681
L'm offering you a new life.
139
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,401
(GULPS)
And a job.
140
00:11:57,561 --> 00:11:59,721
(SPLUTTERS)
141
00:11:59,881 --> 00:12:00,921
Little sips.
142
00:12:01,081 --> 00:12:06,521
Now, perhaps...l should point out
that door behind you.
143
00:12:10,001 --> 00:12:13,441
If, after hearing my proposition,
you wish to leave,
144
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:15,881
you have only to step through
that door
145
00:12:16,041 --> 00:12:19,161
and you will never hear
from me again.
146
00:12:21,281 --> 00:12:26,121
The job in question is to reopen
the Ankh-Morpork Post Office.
147
00:12:26,281 --> 00:12:28,281
The post office?
Mmm.
148
00:12:28,441 --> 00:12:29,601
A moment.
149
00:12:32,641 --> 00:12:33,721
Ooh!
150
00:12:36,121 --> 00:12:37,481
(EXHALES)
151
00:12:44,641 --> 00:12:47,241
Certain death or the post office?
152
00:12:47,401 --> 00:12:50,361
Hardly a choice,
more an alternative.
153
00:12:50,521 --> 00:12:54,441
I'd seen enough of the inside
of a coffin for one day.
154
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:57,921
You see, the really interesting thing
about angels...
155
00:12:59,681 --> 00:13:01,921
...is that you only ever get the one.
156
00:13:04,121 --> 00:13:06,361
Do we understand each other,
Mr Lipwig?
157
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:09,121
Perfectly. (LAUGHS)
158
00:13:09,281 --> 00:13:12,321
Welcome to government service.
159
00:13:12,481 --> 00:13:14,961
And the wage is $20 a week.
160
00:13:21,721 --> 00:13:23,201
Please.
161
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,921
Oh, I almost forgot.
162
00:13:28,081 --> 00:13:30,881
Your parole officer will meet you
outside in 10 minutes.
163
00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:33,041
Parole officer?
164
00:13:33,201 --> 00:13:36,521
But I'm a respectable
member of society now.
165
00:13:36,681 --> 00:13:39,041
Oh, he's a very respectable
parole officer.
166
00:13:40,321 --> 00:13:41,801
(LAUGHS)
167
00:13:44,041 --> 00:13:44,921
Whoo-hoo!
168
00:13:45,081 --> 00:13:47,481
The fools had gifted me
a second chance.
169
00:13:47,641 --> 00:13:51,121
All I had to do was run faster
and run longer.
170
00:13:51,281 --> 00:13:52,881
The plains lay ahead of me.
171
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,921
By nightfall,
I'd be in a feather bed
172
00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:57,641
and, by morning,
I'd be back in business.
173
00:14:07,241 --> 00:14:08,241
(GLASS BREAKS)
174
00:14:08,401 --> 00:14:09,921
Huh?
175
00:14:11,521 --> 00:14:14,521
(OMINOUS THUMPING)
176
00:14:20,041 --> 00:14:24,481
(BOOMING VOICE) You can't run
and you can't hide, Mr Lipwig.
177
00:14:24,641 --> 00:14:26,681
That's what you think.
178
00:14:29,121 --> 00:14:30,801
You gotta be kidding.
179
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,041
Argh!
180
00:14:41,201 --> 00:14:43,961
Rules must be obeyed!
181
00:14:48,921 --> 00:14:50,521
(SCREAMS)
182
00:14:56,161 --> 00:15:00,721
I have nothing but good feelings
towards you, Mr Lipwig.
183
00:15:00,881 --> 00:15:02,721
What the hell are you?!
184
00:15:02,881 --> 00:15:09,281
I am your parole officer
and your safety is my concern.
185
00:15:10,841 --> 00:15:12,441
(SNORTS) om
186
00:15:14,801 --> 00:15:17,481
Regrettably, we meet again.
187
00:15:17,641 --> 00:15:21,841
Yet I specifically remember saying
that you only ever get one angel.
188
00:15:23,641 --> 00:15:28,241
You didn't say you were gonna set
a clay monster on me.
189
00:15:28,401 --> 00:15:29,441
Rather harsh.
190
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:32,961
Mr Pump is not a monster,
he's a golem.
191
00:15:33,121 --> 00:15:35,281
It walked all night,
carrying me and a horse.
192
00:15:35,441 --> 00:15:36,521
Quite.
193
00:15:36,681 --> 00:15:42,641
You have to sleep. Mr Pump does not.
You have to eat. Mr Pump does not.
194
00:15:42,801 --> 00:15:45,241
There is no escape for you.
195
00:15:45,401 --> 00:15:49,761
There is only a choice between
reopening the post office and...
196
00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:55,121
(FAINT RUMBLING)
197
00:15:57,881 --> 00:15:59,521
But... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
198
00:16:00,561 --> 00:16:03,081
Who cares about the post office?
199
00:16:03,241 --> 00:16:05,041
No-one posts anything anymore,
200
00:16:05,201 --> 00:16:07,801
it's all clacks, clacks, clacks -
look at it.
201
00:16:07,961 --> 00:16:11,241
Do you play thud, Mr Lipwig?
202
00:16:11,401 --> 00:16:12,961
It's a fascinating game.
203
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:18,881
My current opponent is far away
in Uberwald and we play by clacks.
204
00:16:19,041 --> 00:16:23,121
Well, that's the theory, but there
are so many service breakdowns.
205
00:16:23,281 --> 00:16:24,721
Now, as a disgruntled customer,
206
00:16:24,881 --> 00:16:27,081
I should be able to take
my business elsewhere,
207
00:16:27,241 --> 00:16:29,641
but with no postal service,
I am stuck.
208
00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:32,801
And I don't like to be stuck,
Mr Lipwig.
209
00:16:32,961 --> 00:16:34,881
But why me?
210
00:16:35,041 --> 00:16:37,681
Because wheels are in motion,
Mr Lipwig.
211
00:16:37,841 --> 00:16:40,761
Wheels within wheels.
212
00:16:40,921 --> 00:16:43,481
And it is time
for your cog to turn.
213
00:16:43,641 --> 00:16:44,681
(RINGS BELL)
214
00:16:48,921 --> 00:16:52,161
The postmaster has the use
of a small apartment.
215
00:16:52,321 --> 00:16:54,481
And I believe there is a hat too.
216
00:16:54,641 --> 00:16:55,801
Mmm.
217
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:12,361
There was nothing for it
but to deploy Rule 13 -
218
00:17:12,521 --> 00:17:15,721
when captured,
turn enemies into friends.
219
00:17:15,881 --> 00:17:17,961
Can we talk frankly, Mr Pump?
220
00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:21,641
A golem is incapable of lying.
221
00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:24,961
Really?
How unfortunate for you.
222
00:17:26,441 --> 00:17:29,481
Fact is, I'm worried.
223
00:17:29,641 --> 00:17:32,881
Lord Vetinari works you so hard.
224
00:17:33,041 --> 00:17:34,761
It's just not right.
225
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:37,161
I was built to work.
226
00:17:40,161 --> 00:17:43,721
Don't you ever just want
to kick back and take a clay off?
227
00:17:43,881 --> 00:17:45,921
You misunderstand.
228
00:17:46,081 --> 00:17:47,721
'Pump' is not my name.
229
00:17:47,881 --> 00:17:51,241
It's my description. Pump 19.
230
00:17:51,401 --> 00:17:54,281
I stood at the bottom
of a hole 100 feet deep
231
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:59,561
and pumped water into the city
for two centuries.
232
00:17:59,721 --> 00:18:05,561
But now, I walk in the sunlight,
feel the wind on my face.
233
00:18:05,721 --> 00:18:07,641
This is better.
234
00:18:07,801 --> 00:18:10,681
Trouble is, sooner or later,
235
00:18:10,841 --> 00:18:13,961
someone always comes along
and blocks out your sun.
236
00:18:14,121 --> 00:18:16,721
What do you do then, Mr Pump?
237
00:18:20,241 --> 00:18:25,401
Ah! Oh, it doesn't look
in bad shape at all. (CHUCKLES)
238
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:30,401
This is not the post office.
239
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:33,761
That is.
240
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:52,881
(READS) “No glom of nit
241
00:18:53,041 --> 00:18:58,601
“can stay these mes angers
abet their duty
242
00:19:00,281 --> 00:19:03,161
What the hell does that mean?
243
00:19:03,321 --> 00:19:07,481
It means you have work to do.
244
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:17,281
MAN: Really. Where do they find them?
245
00:19:18,841 --> 00:19:21,921
We should be, er,
going now, Reacher.
246
00:19:22,081 --> 00:19:24,241
Have you seen this, Horsefry?
247
00:19:32,801 --> 00:19:34,401
It looks likes some other fool
248
00:19:34,561 --> 00:19:38,281
has been suckered into
running the post office.
249
00:19:38,441 --> 00:19:41,441
If we're late for Vetinari,
we'll be in big trouble.
250
00:19:41,601 --> 00:19:43,401
Oh.
251
00:19:45,561 --> 00:19:51,561
Remind me to look
appropriately scared.
252
00:20:06,481 --> 00:20:08,801
(DOOR CREAKS)
253
00:20:44,881 --> 00:20:48,321
They can't expect me
to fix this on my own.
254
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:50,961
Oh! You won't be on your own, sir.
255
00:20:51,121 --> 00:20:52,721
(LAUGHS)
256
00:20:52,881 --> 00:20:55,521
(CLEARS THROAT)
Groat, sir. Junior Postman Groat.
257
00:20:55,681 --> 00:20:58,441
One word from you, sir,
and I will... (COUGHS)
258
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:00,681
...l will leap into action.
259
00:21:00,841 --> 00:21:02,961
Junior Postman Groat?
260
00:21:03,121 --> 00:21:04,961
Indeed, sir, yes -
it should be senior,
261
00:21:05,121 --> 00:21:08,881
but nobody's ever stayed
long enough to promote me.
262
00:21:09,041 --> 00:21:11,241
And you are it?
263
00:21:11,401 --> 00:21:14,601
Oh, no, sir, that would be
ridiculous. No, no.
264
00:21:14,761 --> 00:21:16,641
Well, I want to meet
my entire staff.
265
00:21:16,801 --> 00:21:20,041
Oh, certainly. I'll take you
straight to him, sir.
266
00:21:20,201 --> 00:21:21,521
Come this way.
267
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,441
(LAUGHS)
268
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:25,121
Stanley!
269
00:21:27,641 --> 00:21:29,441
Mr Lipwig, the new postmaster.
270
00:21:30,481 --> 00:21:31,681
Oh.
271
00:21:35,361 --> 00:21:37,641
Oh, I see you know something
about pins, Stanley.
272
00:21:37,801 --> 00:21:40,601
No, sir.
273
00:21:41,881 --> 00:21:44,521
I know everything about pins.
274
00:21:44,681 --> 00:21:46,761
Last year,
the pinneries of Ankh-Morpork
275
00:21:46,921 --> 00:21:53,321
turned out 27,880,972 pins.
276
00:21:55,641 --> 00:21:58,361
Born in the sorting room, sir.
Learned to read from envelopes.
277
00:21:58,521 --> 00:22:01,001
We did our best for him,
but he's a bit 'return to sender',
278
00:22:01,161 --> 00:22:02,481
if you know what I mean.
279
00:22:02,641 --> 00:22:04,401
That includes wax-headed, steels,
280
00:22:04,561 --> 00:22:08,441
brasses, silver-headed,
extra-large...
281
00:22:08,601 --> 00:22:10,201
...and novelty.
282
00:22:14,401 --> 00:22:15,721
Yes.
283
00:22:16,761 --> 00:22:18,961
I saw a magazine about this once.
284
00:22:19,121 --> 00:22:20,521
'Pins Monthly'?
(SLAMS BOOK SHUT)
285
00:22:20,681 --> 00:22:23,401
That rag is for hobbyists.
286
00:22:24,961 --> 00:22:30,961
True pinheads only read 'Total Pins'.
287
00:22:31,121 --> 00:22:32,041
Ah.
288
00:22:32,201 --> 00:22:35,041
Erm, will you be staying
down here with us, sir?
289
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:42,801
(LAUGHS) No, no. I was told
there's an official apartment.
290
00:22:42,961 --> 00:22:46,561
Oh, you want to stay there?
291
00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:53,201
There is the hat too, sir.
The hat of office. (LAUGHS)
292
00:22:55,361 --> 00:22:56,681
Ah'.
293
00:22:56,841 --> 00:23:00,001
Ah, ha-ha. Magnifice...
294
00:23:00,161 --> 00:23:01,521
(SPITS)
295
00:23:03,281 --> 00:23:05,881
(CLEARS THROAT)
lt's magnificent, isn't it, sir?
296
00:23:07,361 --> 00:23:09,761
You don't seriously expect me
to put that on my head?
297
00:23:09,921 --> 00:23:12,401
It's a time-honoured tradition, sir,
298
00:23:12,561 --> 00:23:14,921
and it must sit
on the postmaster's head.
299
00:23:15,081 --> 00:23:15,961
Get off me!
300
00:23:16,121 --> 00:23:18,801
Sit with dignity.
Stop it, Mr Groat! Enough!
301
00:23:20,601 --> 00:23:22,481
This is going straight
to the city dump.
302
00:23:22,641 --> 00:23:26,521
We expected more keenness
from the postmaster.
303
00:23:26,681 --> 00:23:29,761
Keenness?
Like him and his pins.
304
00:23:29,921 --> 00:23:32,881
Keenness beyond the bounds of sanity.
305
00:23:33,041 --> 00:23:37,121
Perhaps if you'd been a bit more keen
about being postmen,
306
00:23:37,281 --> 00:23:39,841
we wouldn't have a million letters
stuck out there.
307
00:23:47,081 --> 00:23:49,601
I don't think I like him, Mr Groat.
308
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:53,641
(SCOFFS) Don't worry, Stanley,
he won't be here long.
309
00:23:56,921 --> 00:23:58,841
The problem is, Mr Gilt,
310
00:23:59,001 --> 00:24:02,281
since you acquired the clacks,
breakdowns have increased.
311
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:07,321
The speed of messages has slowed
and the cost to customers has risen.
312
00:24:07,481 --> 00:24:08,881
With respect, my lord,
313
00:24:09,041 --> 00:24:13,481
we are answerable to
our shareholders, not to you.
314
00:24:13,641 --> 00:24:16,401
Then perhaps your shareholders
will be interested to learn
315
00:24:16,561 --> 00:24:18,121
that I am reopening the post office.
316
00:24:18,281 --> 00:24:20,001
(COUGHS)
317
00:24:22,081 --> 00:24:27,041
That lumbering, overstaffed monster
that collapsed under its own weight?
318
00:24:27,201 --> 00:24:29,601
The people of Ankh-Morpork
deserve choice
319
00:24:29,761 --> 00:24:35,201
and currently, the only choice they have
is between you and nothing.
320
00:24:39,681 --> 00:24:41,641
And the problem is?
321
00:24:41,801 --> 00:24:44,361
Don't let me detain you.
322
00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:57,601
Is that an original bluestone slab?
323
00:24:57,761 --> 00:25:00,401
I take my thud very seriously.
324
00:25:00,561 --> 00:25:02,041
(LAUGHS)
325
00:25:03,521 --> 00:25:05,921
We should play a game sometime.
326
00:25:07,121 --> 00:25:11,641
We already are, Mr Gilt.
We already are.
327
00:25:11,801 --> 00:25:12,721
(DOOR CLOSES)
328
00:25:12,881 --> 00:25:17,201
He really means business, this time,
Reacher. He really does.
329
00:25:17,361 --> 00:25:18,321
Don't panic, Horsefry.
330
00:25:18,481 --> 00:25:21,001
To mean business, you need to have
a business to start with.
331
00:25:21,161 --> 00:25:23,481
And...
What's that on your face?
332
00:25:24,841 --> 00:25:26,721
It's nothing. Just nerves.
333
00:25:28,401 --> 00:25:30,361
It's revolting.
334
00:25:31,401 --> 00:25:34,121
Anyway, this fellow Lipwig
has halfwits for staff
335
00:25:34,281 --> 00:25:36,241
and a four-year backlog of mail.
336
00:25:36,401 --> 00:25:38,961
There will be no renaissance.
337
00:25:40,441 --> 00:25:44,801
Especially once
I've...enlightened him.
338
00:25:46,121 --> 00:25:48,481
(BOTH LAUGH)
339
00:25:50,961 --> 00:25:53,041
Enlightened him!
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
340
00:26:08,401 --> 00:26:09,801
What happened here?
341
00:26:09,961 --> 00:26:11,401
Happen. s“?
342
00:26:11,561 --> 00:26:14,521
Post offices should deliver mail,
not hoard it.
343
00:26:14,681 --> 00:26:16,561
We-we just, er,
just got a bit behind, sir.
344
00:26:16,721 --> 00:26:18,321
(VOICES WHISPER)
345
00:26:22,481 --> 00:26:23,801
What was that?
346
00:26:23,961 --> 00:26:26,001
Er, er, what, sir?
347
00:26:26,161 --> 00:26:27,601
It's probably just a pigeon, sir.
348
00:26:27,761 --> 00:26:30,921
Mr Groat, I don't think
you're being honest with me.
349
00:26:31,081 --> 00:26:32,561
Oh!
350
00:26:34,161 --> 00:26:37,601
Maybe I should just sack you all.
351
00:26:37,761 --> 00:26:39,081
Er... (STAMMERS)
352
00:26:39,241 --> 00:26:44,001
You could do that, sir, but then
who would fill the inkwells, sir?
353
00:26:44,161 --> 00:26:45,361
Inkwells?
354
00:26:45,521 --> 00:26:48,841
Gotta keep the inkwells filled, sir.
Just like in the old days. Yes.
355
00:26:49,001 --> 00:26:51,601
Ah, you should've seen it, sir.
356
00:26:51,761 --> 00:26:53,281
Brass and copper everywhere,
357
00:26:53,441 --> 00:26:57,921
counters of rare wood
and teams of postmen.
358
00:26:58,081 --> 00:27:01,121
Teams, sir, all lined up
under the great clock.
359
00:27:01,281 --> 00:27:05,841
Their uniforms all royal blue
with brass buttons.
360
00:27:06,001 --> 00:27:08,041
Ah, this must be my apartment.
361
00:27:09,161 --> 00:27:11,041
Now all we've got is you, sir.
362
00:27:19,681 --> 00:27:21,561
You might understand,
by this point,
363
00:27:21,721 --> 00:27:24,721
I was almost feeling nostalgic
for the gallows.
364
00:27:24,881 --> 00:27:28,241
This wasn't a post office.
It was a lunatic asylum.
365
00:27:29,281 --> 00:27:31,641
Somehow, I had to escape.
366
00:27:33,841 --> 00:27:36,121
Excellent work, Mr Pump.
367
00:27:37,441 --> 00:27:39,241
That's it,
you just keep on shovelling.
368
00:27:41,681 --> 00:27:44,441
Don't stop for anything, now.
369
00:27:44,601 --> 00:27:49,721
I have your karmic signature
on my internal tablet.
370
00:27:51,681 --> 00:27:52,601
Fascinating.
371
00:27:52,761 --> 00:27:57,521
Which means I know where you are
at all times.
372
00:27:57,681 --> 00:28:00,561
So if you were thinking
of escape.
373
00:28:00,721 --> 00:28:03,961
Escape? Me?
No,no,no.
374
00:28:04,121 --> 00:28:06,121
No, I was just off to er...
375
00:28:06,281 --> 00:28:09,561
Erm... Um...
376
00:28:11,401 --> 00:28:13,601
...deliver a letter.
377
00:28:15,601 --> 00:28:18,041
Isn't that what postmasters do?
378
00:28:21,441 --> 00:28:25,441
I will know
if this is not delivered.
379
00:28:25,601 --> 00:28:27,281
Don't you trust me, Mr Pump?
380
00:28:27,441 --> 00:28:32,121
I want to trust you, Mr Lipwig.
I really want to.
381
00:28:36,921 --> 00:28:38,841
(SIGHS)
382
00:28:44,401 --> 00:28:46,881
Everyone has their levers.
383
00:28:47,041 --> 00:28:50,321
With Pump, it was doing your duty.
384
00:28:50,481 --> 00:28:53,481
With Groat, it was promotion.
385
00:28:53,641 --> 00:28:55,921
But with Stanley...
386
00:28:57,001 --> 00:28:59,241
(LAUGHS)
387
00:28:59,401 --> 00:29:03,361
Well, well. (LAUGHS)
388
00:29:06,361 --> 00:29:08,361
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
389
00:29:25,441 --> 00:29:26,921
Hello.
Hmm.
390
00:29:33,761 --> 00:29:35,241
Ow!
391
00:29:41,201 --> 00:29:43,761
This... (CLEARS THROAT)
392
00:29:43,921 --> 00:29:45,881
Is this a good one?
393
00:29:47,401 --> 00:29:49,481
It's alright for the novice,
l suppose.
394
00:29:51,201 --> 00:29:56,481
Personally, I prefer 'Practical Pins'
or 'World of Pins'.
395
00:29:56,641 --> 00:30:01,841
Then there's 'Pins Monthly',
'New Pins', 'Modern Pins', 'Pins Extra',
396
00:30:02,001 --> 00:30:08,081
'Pins International', 'Talking Pins',
'Total Pins', 'Pins and Pinneries'.
397
00:30:08,241 --> 00:30:09,881
Or...
398
00:30:30,441 --> 00:30:32,801
Certainly has
a lot of women in leather.
399
00:30:32,961 --> 00:30:36,001
Yeah.
But they're all holding pins.
400
00:30:38,161 --> 00:30:44,961
Actually, I was wondering
if you'd got anything a bit sharper?
401
00:30:49,521 --> 00:30:53,641
I don't do nails.
We get kids in here.
402
00:30:53,801 --> 00:30:56,881
No, no, strictly pins, that's me.
403
00:30:58,921 --> 00:31:01,721
Well, as it happens,
I might have one or two items
404
00:31:01,881 --> 00:31:04,041
for the genuine collector.
405
00:31:27,001 --> 00:31:28,321
Excuse me.
406
00:31:28,481 --> 00:31:30,841
I'm looking for Antimony Parker.
407
00:31:31,001 --> 00:31:33,801
He's out the back,
tackling the difficult cabbage.
408
00:31:36,961 --> 00:31:38,921
Perhaps you could give him this.
409
00:31:39,081 --> 00:31:43,361
Tell him the post office apologizes
for the delay.
410
00:31:43,521 --> 00:31:49,721
Don't worry. It can't be a bill,
it's sealed with a loving kiss.
411
00:31:49,881 --> 00:31:52,041
(LAUGHS) OK.
412
00:31:52,201 --> 00:31:55,801
I know it's been a while,
but we're finally reopening.
413
00:31:55,961 --> 00:31:58,161
I'm the new postmaster.
414
00:31:59,761 --> 00:32:04,361
I am so sorry. I really am.
415
00:32:07,361 --> 00:32:09,881
You've really done it now,
Mr Lipwig.
416
00:32:11,201 --> 00:32:12,841
Who the hell are you?
417
00:32:13,001 --> 00:32:16,561
The man who's trying
to save your life.
418
00:32:16,721 --> 00:32:18,881
Step aboard.
419
00:32:35,721 --> 00:32:38,201
They didn't tell you, did they?
420
00:32:39,921 --> 00:32:42,121
Tell me what, Mr...?
421
00:32:42,281 --> 00:32:44,681
Gilt. Reacher Gilt.
422
00:32:46,641 --> 00:32:48,281
You know about the post office?
423
00:32:48,441 --> 00:32:50,281
I know about everything
that goes on in this city,
424
00:32:50,441 --> 00:32:51,761
and I'm begging you,
425
00:32:51,921 --> 00:32:54,321
run straight back to
wherever it is you've come from.
426
00:32:54,481 --> 00:32:55,801
If only it was that easy.
427
00:32:55,961 --> 00:33:00,201
Mr Lipwig, whoever gave you this job
has put you in mortal peril.
428
00:33:00,361 --> 00:33:03,281
The fact is the last four
postmasters have died
429
00:33:03,441 --> 00:33:05,561
in dreadful circumstances.
430
00:33:07,401 --> 00:33:08,281
Died?
431
00:33:08,441 --> 00:33:12,201
They say the post office
has a curse on it.
432
00:33:12,361 --> 00:33:14,681
And now you've actually delivered
a letter...
433
00:33:17,881 --> 00:33:19,761
Why would anyone curse
the post office?
434
00:33:19,921 --> 00:33:22,801
I’d be more worried
about why no-one told you.
435
00:33:22,961 --> 00:33:23,841
Oh!
436
00:33:24,001 --> 00:33:25,321
So, facing imminent death,
437
00:33:25,481 --> 00:33:29,601
I decided to approach my staff
in a calm and rational manner.
438
00:33:29,761 --> 00:33:31,841
Were you just gonna
stand by and watch...
439
00:33:32,001 --> 00:33:33,721
You can't shout at me, sir.
440
00:33:33,881 --> 00:33:35,361
...while I met a gruesome end?
441
00:33:35,521 --> 00:33:38,121
It's against regulations.
Oh, bugger the regulations!
442
00:33:38,281 --> 00:33:39,681
Don't you hurt Mr Groat!
443
00:33:39,841 --> 00:33:43,361
Oh! Stanley, Stanley, wait!
Look what I've found.
444
00:33:45,161 --> 00:33:47,961
I was just walking down Market Street
and there it was,
445
00:33:48,121 --> 00:33:49,801
between two cobblestones.
446
00:33:51,441 --> 00:33:55,241
Is it a number three,
broad-headed extra-long?
447
00:33:56,441 --> 00:33:57,761
And it was just lying around?
448
00:33:57,921 --> 00:33:59,681
That's hard to believe, isn't it?
449
00:33:59,841 --> 00:34:01,601
It's a collector's piece.
450
00:34:01,761 --> 00:34:03,401
But it's yours now, Stanley.
451
00:34:04,601 --> 00:34:05,881
Really, Mr Lipwig?
452
00:34:15,921 --> 00:34:19,881
I have got a place
ready and waiting for it.
453
00:34:26,881 --> 00:34:30,201
I'm sorry I broke the regulations,
Senior Postman Groat.
454
00:34:30,361 --> 00:34:32,801
That's all very well, sir, but...
455
00:34:32,961 --> 00:34:36,441
Did you say Senior Postman, sir?
456
00:34:36,601 --> 00:34:41,361
I'm in charge, which means
I can promote you, yes?
457
00:34:42,601 --> 00:34:46,561
Now, Senior Postman Groat,
let's pop upstairs
458
00:34:46,721 --> 00:34:52,041
and discuss exactly what you know
about those dead postmasters.
459
00:35:04,161 --> 00:35:05,961
What do you think?
460
00:35:06,121 --> 00:35:08,361
Actually, it quite suits you.
461
00:35:09,481 --> 00:35:14,081
I'm sorry if I was disrespectful
about your traditions.
462
00:35:14,241 --> 00:35:16,001
Perhaps I was feeling
a bit overwhelmed.
463
00:35:16,161 --> 00:35:18,921
I understand, sir, yes.
464
00:35:19,081 --> 00:35:24,601
Yes. Well, the post office was
one of the great ships of state, sir.
465
00:35:25,801 --> 00:35:27,881
So what happened
to the previous captains?
466
00:35:28,041 --> 00:35:29,721
They were very unlucky, sir.
467
00:35:29,881 --> 00:35:32,001
Postmaster Mutable was the first.
Decent chap.
468
00:35:32,161 --> 00:35:34,841
He fell into the sorting hall
from the fifth floor,
469
00:35:35,001 --> 00:35:38,121
smack, sir, smack
onto the marble, headfirst.
470
00:35:38,281 --> 00:35:41,441
Oh, it was like a melon hitting.
I get the picture.
471
00:35:41,601 --> 00:35:44,401
Then there was Postmaster Sideburn.
472
00:35:44,561 --> 00:35:48,321
He fell down the back stairs
and broke his neck.
473
00:35:48,481 --> 00:35:50,521
3:00 in the morning, it was.
474
00:35:50,681 --> 00:35:52,601
So they all fell?
No, sir.
475
00:35:52,761 --> 00:35:59,241
Postmaster lgnavia, he was
just lying dead on the floor.
476
00:35:59,401 --> 00:36:00,841
Dead as a doorknob, sir,
477
00:36:01,001 --> 00:36:04,121
with his face contorted,
like he'd seen a ghost.
478
00:36:06,361 --> 00:36:09,481
A ghost? Then it is true.
479
00:36:09,641 --> 00:36:13,441
The curse!
No, that's just malicious talk.
480
00:36:13,601 --> 00:36:17,361
I swear me and Stanley have
never seen nothing of no ghost.
481
00:36:17,521 --> 00:36:19,001
S“...
482
00:36:20,481 --> 00:36:23,441
(VOICES WHISPER)
483
00:36:23,601 --> 00:36:25,761
All I'm asking for is a head start.
484
00:36:25,921 --> 00:36:28,041
No, Mr Lipwig.
485
00:36:28,201 --> 00:36:30,641
Your punishment
is to fix the post office.
486
00:36:30,801 --> 00:36:34,961
Exactly.
Not to meet a horrible death.
487
00:36:35,121 --> 00:36:38,041
(LAUGHS) I'm just a con man.
488
00:36:39,361 --> 00:36:43,321
You have killed 22.8 people.
489
00:36:43,481 --> 00:36:45,881
I’ve never so much as drawn a sword.
490
00:36:46,041 --> 00:36:50,641
You have stolen,
embezzled and swindled.
491
00:36:50,801 --> 00:36:54,881
You have ruined businesses
and destroyed lives.
492
00:36:55,041 --> 00:36:59,201
When banks fail,
it's not bankers who starve.
493
00:36:59,361 --> 00:37:04,081
In a thousand small ways,
you have hastened the deaths of many.
494
00:37:04,241 --> 00:37:09,281
You did not know them.
You did not see them bleed.
495
00:37:09,441 --> 00:37:13,441
But you snatched bread
from their mouths.
496
00:37:15,041 --> 00:37:19,121
There will be...no running.
497
00:37:22,841 --> 00:37:23,961
(EXHALES)
498
00:37:42,601 --> 00:37:44,561
(GROWLS)
499
00:38:16,761 --> 00:38:18,641
WOMAN: Hands where I can see them.
500
00:38:20,961 --> 00:38:23,561
If you're trying to kill me,
you'll have to get in line.
501
00:38:37,961 --> 00:38:40,881
We had some unwelcome visitors
last night.
502
00:38:43,961 --> 00:38:45,441
This must be yours, then?
503
00:38:49,961 --> 00:38:52,521
You can keep it.
504
00:38:52,681 --> 00:38:54,641
I prefer my clay
with more life in it.
505
00:38:54,801 --> 00:38:58,441
So, erm, why did they...?
506
00:38:58,601 --> 00:39:00,521
Some people don't like golems.
507
00:39:00,681 --> 00:39:02,441
They think they take away jobs.
508
00:39:02,601 --> 00:39:04,361
The trust stands up
for golem rights.
509
00:39:05,361 --> 00:39:07,121
Moist von Lipwig.
510
00:39:07,281 --> 00:39:10,281
Oh. That's quite a name.
511
00:39:10,441 --> 00:39:12,961
Were your parents stupid
or just plain cruel?
512
00:39:13,121 --> 00:39:17,641
Doting. If a little unwise.
513
00:39:18,921 --> 00:39:20,681
Adora Belle Dearheart.
514
00:39:20,841 --> 00:39:23,121
I’ve never seen black
look so adora...
515
00:39:23,281 --> 00:39:26,321
If you say 'adorable', I'll be
forced to shoot you after all.
516
00:39:26,481 --> 00:39:29,201
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
517
00:39:29,361 --> 00:39:34,521
L'm in mourning,
if you must know.
518
00:39:34,681 --> 00:39:37,921
Oh... I'm sorry.
519
00:39:38,081 --> 00:39:40,001
I doubt it.
520
00:39:41,521 --> 00:39:44,041
This was not a good start.
521
00:39:47,801 --> 00:39:52,281
What surprised me was how much
I wanted it to be a good start.
522
00:39:52,441 --> 00:39:56,361
Of course,
I'd heard about emotions like these,
523
00:39:56,521 --> 00:39:58,001
but I'd never actually felt any.
524
00:39:58,161 --> 00:40:00,081
Now that we've been appropriately
human to one another,
525
00:40:00,241 --> 00:40:01,841
what was it you wanted?
526
00:40:02,001 --> 00:40:04,641
I need to find out
what makes golems tick.
527
00:40:04,801 --> 00:40:06,281
We do a pamphlet.
528
00:40:09,961 --> 00:40:11,161
Five pence.
529
00:40:16,361 --> 00:40:20,321
The thing is, I'm trying to persuade
mine to see the bigger picture.
530
00:40:20,481 --> 00:40:23,241
If you want to manipulate him,
you might as well give up now.
531
00:40:23,401 --> 00:40:26,841
M-m-manipulate.
Such an ugly word.
532
00:40:28,441 --> 00:40:35,001
The great thing about golems is
they're loyal and incorruptible.
533
00:40:35,161 --> 00:40:37,241
Unlike people.
534
00:40:37,401 --> 00:40:39,881
How...how true.
535
00:40:42,201 --> 00:40:43,521
(SIGHS) Which golem is it?
536
00:40:43,681 --> 00:40:45,201
Pump 19.
537
00:40:45,361 --> 00:40:47,081
Hmm.
538
00:40:47,241 --> 00:40:49,881
Oh! The post office.
539
00:40:50,041 --> 00:40:51,521
So you must be...?
540
00:40:51,681 --> 00:40:54,801
We"! The postmaster. Yes.
541
00:40:54,961 --> 00:40:59,841
If anyone can save Mrs Lipwig from
becoming a widow, it's Pump 19.
542
00:41:03,481 --> 00:41:07,481
Actually, there is no Mrs Lipwig.
543
00:41:09,121 --> 00:41:11,001
You don't say.
544
00:41:12,001 --> 00:41:13,001
Miss Dearheart...
545
00:41:14,761 --> 00:41:18,521
...l don't suppose you'd like
to have dinner tonight?
546
00:41:18,681 --> 00:41:20,801
With you?
Yeah.
547
00:41:20,961 --> 00:41:22,001
NO.
548
00:41:22,161 --> 00:41:25,521
I’ve got things to do,
but thanks for asking.
549
00:41:25,681 --> 00:41:27,001
Oh.
550
00:41:27,161 --> 00:41:29,081
No problem.
551
00:41:33,281 --> 00:41:37,361
Just remember, if you want to
stay alive, stay close to Pump 19.
552
00:41:38,761 --> 00:41:40,801
Very close.
553
00:41:43,721 --> 00:41:45,441
Promise me you won't leave.
554
00:41:45,601 --> 00:41:47,361
I promise.
555
00:41:47,521 --> 00:41:49,441
(SIGHS)
556
00:41:52,201 --> 00:41:57,761
If the curse were to strike tonight,
what could you actually do?
557
00:41:58,961 --> 00:42:00,481
Improvise.
558
00:42:02,801 --> 00:42:04,281
OK.
559
00:42:10,761 --> 00:42:14,121
(WHISPERING VOICES)
560
00:42:25,481 --> 00:42:27,201
Mr Pump?
561
00:42:27,361 --> 00:42:29,961
Mr Pump!
562
00:42:30,121 --> 00:42:32,081
(WHISPERING VOICES CONTINUE)
563
00:42:33,401 --> 00:42:35,401
(RUSTLING)
564
00:42:44,041 --> 00:42:45,041
Brr!
565
00:42:48,961 --> 00:42:50,121
Oh!
566
00:42:50,281 --> 00:42:52,041
(CRIES OUT)
567
00:43:13,121 --> 00:43:15,081
Mr Pump!
568
00:43:23,801 --> 00:43:26,601
Argh! Get away!
569
00:43:26,761 --> 00:43:28,721
(SOUND OF PROJECTOR RUNNING)
570
00:44:28,201 --> 00:44:29,441
No.
571
00:44:29,601 --> 00:44:31,561
(WHISPERING VOICES CONTINUE)
572
00:44:32,841 --> 00:44:34,601
No, no!
573
00:44:34,761 --> 00:44:36,241
No!
574
00:44:36,401 --> 00:44:37,921
Mr Lipwig!
575
00:44:38,081 --> 00:44:40,041
Wake up.
576
00:44:41,241 --> 00:44:42,721
Did you see it?
577
00:44:46,961 --> 00:44:48,081
The farmer.
578
00:44:48,241 --> 00:44:51,601
I stood here all night.
You slept soundly.
579
00:44:51,761 --> 00:44:54,561
No! (PANTS) It was real.
580
00:44:59,641 --> 00:45:01,401
I can't stay here.
581
00:45:08,161 --> 00:45:10,081
Are you the postmaster?
Huh?
582
00:45:10,241 --> 00:45:11,921
You delivered this.
583
00:45:12,081 --> 00:45:13,961
I didn't mean any harm.
584
00:45:14,121 --> 00:45:16,401
I was just doing my...job.
585
00:45:16,561 --> 00:45:20,841
Ah. You've made me
the happiest man in the world.
586
00:45:21,001 --> 00:45:24,201
She said yes. She's gonna marry me.
It was just stuck in the post.
587
00:45:24,361 --> 00:45:27,201
All this time,
I thought she didn't care,
588
00:45:27,361 --> 00:45:29,281
but now you're back in business.
589
00:45:30,641 --> 00:45:32,241
The wedding invitations.
590
00:45:32,401 --> 00:45:34,201
You're giving us letters?
591
00:45:34,361 --> 00:45:36,441
Must hurry. Lots to organize.
592
00:45:40,441 --> 00:45:45,441
How does it feel to make
someones life better, Mr Lipwig?
593
00:45:48,041 --> 00:45:50,081
Unusual.
594
00:45:54,801 --> 00:45:57,361
Just what we need, more letters.
595
00:45:58,721 --> 00:46:01,201
L'll put them in the queue.
596
00:46:01,361 --> 00:46:03,201
Maybe you should deliver them.
597
00:46:03,361 --> 00:46:06,001
What?
Deliver them?
598
00:46:07,601 --> 00:46:08,801
You're all postmen.
599
00:46:08,961 --> 00:46:11,561
Surely it's your solemn duty
to deliver?
600
00:46:11,721 --> 00:46:13,641
Hmm?
601
00:46:13,801 --> 00:46:16,401
Now, how does it work?
602
00:46:16,561 --> 00:46:18,481
You got the money, did you, sir?
Mm-hm.
603
00:46:18,641 --> 00:46:22,041
Then we need to put
the official stamp on, that's it,
604
00:46:22,201 --> 00:46:23,681
to show that it has been paid.
605
00:46:25,481 --> 00:46:28,241
Oh, yes, er... Right.
606
00:46:28,401 --> 00:46:29,841
Er! Er! (COUGHS)
607
00:46:30,001 --> 00:46:36,281
l...l get this stamp. This stamp.
And bang it on the ink pad.
608
00:46:38,001 --> 00:46:42,761
And then, sir, then I bang it, sir -
bang it - on the letter.
609
00:46:42,921 --> 00:46:44,841
There!
610
00:46:46,561 --> 00:46:48,401
Oh.
611
00:46:49,801 --> 00:46:53,361
Oh, you don't know how good it feels
to do that again.
612
00:46:58,121 --> 00:47:01,001
And this is worth a penny?
613
00:47:01,161 --> 00:47:02,361
Yes.
614
00:47:16,561 --> 00:47:18,681
Opportunity knocks.
615
00:47:18,841 --> 00:47:21,281
It's not strictly your line
of printing, Mr Spools,
616
00:47:21,441 --> 00:47:24,321
but look,
the old-fashioned way -
617
00:47:24,481 --> 00:47:27,081
queue up at the post office
to get your letter stamped.
618
00:47:28,641 --> 00:47:31,241
Now...
619
00:47:31,401 --> 00:47:33,201
...a new way.
620
00:47:33,361 --> 00:47:37,161
Everybody buys their stamps in advance,
to use at their leisure.
621
00:47:38,561 --> 00:47:42,201
Good grief. A kid could
forge this with half a potato.
622
00:47:42,361 --> 00:47:47,281
That's where your genius
as a printer comes in, Mr Spools.
623
00:47:47,441 --> 00:47:50,361
Mmm. Well you need a bit
of cross-hatching. Urn...
624
00:47:51,561 --> 00:47:54,601
What about pictures?
Complicated pictures.
625
00:47:54,761 --> 00:47:57,081
Yes. Everyone loves a miniature.
626
00:47:57,241 --> 00:48:00,841
Yes. We could have a different
picture for each type of stamp.
627
00:48:01,001 --> 00:48:04,081
A penny to Ankh-Morpork.
Five pennies to Sto Lat.
628
00:48:04,241 --> 00:48:07,521
You could have a whole set.
629
00:48:07,681 --> 00:48:10,281
A whole set.
Yes.
630
00:48:10,441 --> 00:48:12,801
To collect.
631
00:48:18,361 --> 00:48:23,401
Mr Spools, meet Stanley,
the post office's new head of stamps.
632
00:48:23,561 --> 00:48:25,121
Head of stamps?
Mmm.
633
00:48:25,281 --> 00:48:26,841
1 t I Kr?' L"? b
634
00:48:27,001 --> 00:48:29,561
is there a hat'?
635
00:48:29,721 --> 00:48:31,441
One thing at a time, Stanley.
636
00:48:31,601 --> 00:48:33,001
Yes, Mr Lipwig.
637
00:48:34,001 --> 00:48:37,001
Wait! Before you tear this letter up
in disgust,
638
00:48:37,161 --> 00:48:39,321
ask yourself one question.
639
00:48:39,481 --> 00:48:42,241
Would you have done
anything so different?
640
00:48:42,401 --> 00:48:43,721
Would anyone?
641
00:48:43,881 --> 00:48:48,081
I had discovered a foolproof way
of creating money from paper.
642
00:48:50,401 --> 00:48:55,041
If every resident bought just
a few stamps to put in their wallet,
643
00:48:55,201 --> 00:48:58,601
I'd end up holding hundreds
of thousands of dollars
644
00:48:58,761 --> 00:49:00,081
of other people 's money -
645
00:49:00,241 --> 00:49:04,441
enough to finance an escape plan
and set me up for life.
646
00:49:05,561 --> 00:49:08,401
And better still,
for the con to work,
647
00:49:08,561 --> 00:49:10,881
I had to bring the post office
back to life
648
00:49:11,041 --> 00:49:13,401
so that people would want
to buy stamps.
649
00:49:13,561 --> 00:49:16,601
It was a con
where everyone would win.
650
00:49:16,761 --> 00:49:19,281
Well, nearly everyone.
651
00:49:20,841 --> 00:49:23,961
That is why it's important
to study grammar.
652
00:49:25,481 --> 00:49:27,081
Hugo's?
653
00:49:27,241 --> 00:49:30,841
Technically, without the apostrophe,
it's Hu-gos.
654
00:49:31,001 --> 00:49:32,521
And the reason there's no apostrophe
655
00:49:32,681 --> 00:49:35,281
is because there isn't one
in the uplifting slogan
656
00:49:35,441 --> 00:49:37,721
that adorns our beloved post office.
657
00:49:37,881 --> 00:49:39,521
Oh.
658
00:49:40,681 --> 00:49:42,681
“Glom of nit...”
659
00:49:45,001 --> 00:49:49,401
Oh. They've stolen them.
Yes.
660
00:49:49,561 --> 00:49:51,841
(SPLUTTERS)
661
00:49:54,801 --> 00:49:55,881
Ay-ya, ta-ta, ta-ta!
662
00:49:56,041 --> 00:49:59,601
We're in the letter business,
Mr Groat.
663
00:49:59,761 --> 00:50:02,801
We do words, not bricks.
664
00:50:15,441 --> 00:50:17,441
Good day to you.
665
00:50:18,881 --> 00:50:20,361
Can I see Mr Hugo, please?
666
00:50:21,721 --> 00:50:22,721
I doubt it
667
00:50:22,881 --> 00:50:24,641
Then perhaps
you can give him a message.
668
00:50:24,801 --> 00:50:27,321
L'll try my best,
669
00:50:27,481 --> 00:50:32,641
but I'm almost certain
Lord Vetinari will press charges.
670
00:50:32,801 --> 00:50:34,001
(CHOKES)
671
00:50:36,281 --> 00:50:38,081
Mr Hugo.
672
00:50:38,241 --> 00:50:40,921
There's a man in reception
who says that Lord Vetinari...
673
00:50:41,081 --> 00:50:44,241
(WHISPERS) Two, three, four...
674
00:50:44,401 --> 00:50:46,241
Excuse me, sir.
675
00:50:47,801 --> 00:50:49,681
Hugo can see you now.
676
00:50:49,841 --> 00:50:50,921
Ah.
677
00:50:54,201 --> 00:50:55,201
Got it.
678
00:50:56,401 --> 00:50:57,761
Thanks, Mr Pump.
679
00:51:02,881 --> 00:51:04,841
Got it, Mr Groat.
680
00:51:08,361 --> 00:51:09,761
Good work, Stanley.
681
00:51:09,921 --> 00:51:11,401
Chop chop. Chop chop.
682
00:51:13,081 --> 00:51:14,081
That's it, Mr Pump.
683
00:51:17,721 --> 00:51:18,801
(CAMERA FLASH EXPLODES)
684
00:51:18,961 --> 00:51:21,841
And you can tell your readers
that this is the first
685
00:51:22,001 --> 00:51:26,521
of millions of letters we are putting
back in the right place.
686
00:51:27,721 --> 00:51:29,961
One sign does not
a post office make.
687
00:51:30,121 --> 00:51:34,441
No, Miss Cripslock, but we have
a new system to help us.
688
00:51:34,601 --> 00:51:37,441
The stamping system.
689
00:51:37,601 --> 00:51:38,681
Stamp, Stanley.
690
00:51:45,361 --> 00:51:46,921
Cute, Mr Lipwig.
691
00:51:47,081 --> 00:51:52,441
But, with the clacks,
why do we need a post office at all?
692
00:51:52,601 --> 00:51:54,641
The clacks is all well and good
693
00:51:54,801 --> 00:51:57,961
if you want to know the prawn
market figures from Genua,
694
00:51:58,121 --> 00:52:03,121
but can you seal a clacks
with a loving kiss?
695
00:52:03,281 --> 00:52:06,521
Can you cry tears on a clacks?
696
00:52:06,681 --> 00:52:10,481
Can you enclose a pressed flower?
697
00:52:11,961 --> 00:52:12,841
(BLOW S)
698
00:52:13,001 --> 00:52:18,001
So spread the message far and wide,
699
00:52:18,161 --> 00:52:23,041
the post office is back in business.
700
00:52:31,001 --> 00:52:34,321
I tried talking to him nicely.
701
00:52:34,481 --> 00:52:39,761
But some people just won't listen.
702
00:52:41,761 --> 00:52:47,561
We may need to be a little more direct
in our approach.
703
00:52:47,721 --> 00:52:49,361
Please, Reacher, I...
704
00:52:50,801 --> 00:52:53,241
I'm not sleeping well as it is.
705
00:52:53,401 --> 00:52:58,121
This is all about Vetinari
trying to clip our wings.
706
00:53:00,721 --> 00:53:04,521
But I haven't finished...
707
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,561
Soaring.
708
00:53:08,041 --> 00:53:10,481
(LAUGHS)
709
00:53:15,041 --> 00:53:18,481
Miss Dearheart!
Miss Dearheart!
710
00:53:22,441 --> 00:53:24,361
And I thought your name
was ridiculous.
711
00:53:26,281 --> 00:53:28,401
How many golems are for hire
right now?
712
00:53:31,881 --> 00:53:34,641
There's 12 on the books.
I'll take them all.
713
00:53:34,801 --> 00:53:36,721
Don't bother to wrap them up!
(LAUGHS)
714
00:53:36,881 --> 00:53:41,841
(SCOFFS) We're not talking
about groceries. They have souls.
715
00:53:42,001 --> 00:53:45,561
I'm offering good jobs
with plenty of prospects.
716
00:53:54,081 --> 00:53:56,081
That's a terrible habit, you know.
717
00:53:57,801 --> 00:53:59,881
Perhaps I like bad habits.
718
00:54:00,041 --> 00:54:02,721
Maybe there's still hope for me, then.
719
00:54:04,761 --> 00:54:06,921
One minute you're trying
to manipulate Pump 19,
720
00:54:07,081 --> 00:54:08,881
the next you're a golem's best friend.
721
00:54:09,041 --> 00:54:12,001
Because now I have a plan.
722
00:54:15,681 --> 00:54:17,681
Let me think about it
723
00:54:17,841 --> 00:54:20,401
whilst you brighten up the world
like a little sunbeam.
724
00:54:20,561 --> 00:54:22,401
(WHISTLING)
725
00:54:22,561 --> 00:54:25,561
(WHISPERING VOICES)
726
00:54:57,641 --> 00:54:59,641
(HUMS)
727
00:55:47,801 --> 00:55:50,801
(ominous CREAKING)
728
00:55:57,761 --> 00:55:58,801
No!
729
00:56:03,361 --> 00:56:04,761
Help me!
730
00:56:04,921 --> 00:56:06,401
Help!
731
00:56:12,041 --> 00:56:14,441
Somebody! Help!
732
00:56:14,601 --> 00:56:16,401
Help me!
733
00:56:21,201 --> 00:56:22,761
(CRIES OUT)
734
00:56:37,761 --> 00:56:40,001
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
735
00:56:46,161 --> 00:56:47,401
(CRAFTY MUSIC)
736
00:56:47,561 --> 00:56:49,281
(BOTH CONVERSE INAUDIBLY)
737
00:56:53,641 --> 00:56:56,721
VON LIPWIG: Why are you
picking on me?! This is nothing.
738
00:56:56,881 --> 00:56:58,401
You see?
739
00:56:58,561 --> 00:57:00,641
A victimless crime.
740
00:57:00,801 --> 00:57:03,881
(VOICES WHISPER NASTILY)
741
00:57:04,041 --> 00:57:05,481
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
742
00:57:05,641 --> 00:57:08,401
Forged bonds harm no-one!
743
00:57:12,241 --> 00:57:14,241
(BOTH SPEAK INAUDIBLY)
744
00:57:23,361 --> 00:57:25,441
No, no! Wait a minute.
745
00:57:25,601 --> 00:57:28,401
You can't make him the scapegoat.
Take it from your profits.
746
00:57:31,881 --> 00:57:34,001
That was never part of the plan!
747
00:57:36,121 --> 00:57:37,361
Wait!
748
00:57:39,001 --> 00:57:41,081
No!
749
00:57:41,241 --> 00:57:43,361
No!
750
00:57:46,881 --> 00:57:49,001
Mr Lipwig! Mr Lipwig!
751
00:57:49,161 --> 00:57:50,241
(WHISPERING STOPS)
752
00:57:50,401 --> 00:57:53,641
Mr Lipwig, sir!
You can't sleep here.
753
00:57:55,921 --> 00:57:57,721
We...we're opening up.
754
00:57:57,881 --> 00:58:02,081
There's a big queue out there.
They're all coming back to us, sir.
755
00:58:03,921 --> 00:58:05,801
The clacks is down!
One at a time.
756
00:58:05,961 --> 00:58:08,241
Please. Please!
757
00:58:08,401 --> 00:58:11,761
Gentleman! Please, please!
Wait, wait! Stop!
758
00:58:15,441 --> 00:58:17,681
Behold!
759
00:58:19,601 --> 00:58:23,841
As the postman said,
one at a time.
760
00:58:33,641 --> 00:58:36,641
(BUOYANT MUSIC)
761
00:58:39,401 --> 00:58:40,921
Who's next, please?
762
00:58:41,081 --> 00:58:43,761
Stanley!
Marvelous.
763
00:58:56,321 --> 00:58:58,321
(HUBBUB)
764
00:59:04,921 --> 00:59:06,321
(WHISTLES)
765
00:59:06,481 --> 00:59:09,721
We got a problem - the stamps.
766
00:59:09,881 --> 00:59:12,681
You can't prove anything.
767
00:59:12,841 --> 00:59:15,081
We've sold out.
768
00:59:15,241 --> 00:59:16,601
Oh.
769
00:59:16,761 --> 00:59:19,401
(LAUGHS)
770
00:59:19,561 --> 00:59:21,921
Well, good sales are never a problem.
771
00:59:22,081 --> 00:59:24,121
Run over to Mr Spools
and fetch some more.
772
00:59:29,881 --> 00:59:31,241
Stanley. Stanley!
773
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:32,921
Got the new double-pointers in.
774
00:59:33,081 --> 00:59:36,561
L'll come back later.
Limited edition, selling fast.
775
00:59:36,721 --> 00:59:38,321
Ah... Ah.
776
00:59:38,481 --> 00:59:40,921
I can't stop.
777
00:59:41,081 --> 00:59:43,601
Stanley. Not a girl!
778
00:59:44,641 --> 00:59:46,241
Mr Spools!
779
00:59:50,961 --> 00:59:52,441
Huh'?
780
00:59:53,481 --> 00:59:54,561
You've gotta be joking.
781
00:59:54,721 --> 00:59:56,681
The presses can't cut them.
They're too small.
782
00:59:56,841 --> 00:59:58,401
But we need another thousand
783
00:59:58,561 --> 01:00:00,681
Well, grab a pair of scissors
and get cutting.
784
01:00:00,841 --> 01:00:03,521
I missed out on a set
of double-pointers
785
01:00:03,681 --> 01:00:06,241
and you're cutting out stamps
with scissors.
786
01:00:06,401 --> 01:00:09,721
Ah, pin collector, are you?
787
01:00:09,881 --> 01:00:11,641
(LAUGHS) om
788
01:00:11,801 --> 01:00:14,481
I've still got
my old collection up in the attic.
789
01:00:14,641 --> 01:00:17,081
Yes, I was very keen.
790
01:00:17,241 --> 01:00:20,961
But then I met the wife
and she wasn't interested in pins.
791
01:00:21,121 --> 01:00:25,761
No. I've been meaning to get them down
and get them valued.
792
01:00:25,921 --> 01:00:28,241
Mr Spools,
793
01:00:28,401 --> 01:00:32,201
you know what's always
got up my nose?
794
01:00:32,361 --> 01:00:35,361
How delicate pin paper is.
795
01:00:36,881 --> 01:00:39,681
It's almost more hole
than paper.
796
01:00:53,241 --> 01:00:54,801
What do you think?
797
01:00:54,961 --> 01:00:57,961
Stanley, I think you're a genius.
798
01:00:59,641 --> 01:01:02,201
VON LIPWIG:
I must ask everyone to be patient.
799
01:01:02,361 --> 01:01:06,121
We weren't expecting quite
such an enthusiastic response.
800
01:01:06,281 --> 01:01:09,321
But stamps are on their way
and we have a special offer.
801
01:01:09,481 --> 01:01:17,041
The new express delivery
for Sto Lat leaves on the hour
802
01:01:17,201 --> 01:01:19,921
to arrive this afternoon.
803
01:01:20,081 --> 01:01:21,401
(CUSTOMERS GASP AND CHATTER)
804
01:01:21,561 --> 01:01:25,041
And at half the cost
of a clacks message.
805
01:01:25,201 --> 01:01:27,561
But we don't have
an express delivery, sir.
806
01:01:31,161 --> 01:01:32,481
(QUIETLY) We do now.
807
01:01:32,641 --> 01:01:33,681
Mr Pump.
808
01:01:34,841 --> 01:01:36,161
Go to Hobson's Livery.
809
01:01:36,321 --> 01:01:39,001
Tell him I want a fast horse,
not one of his old nags.
810
01:01:39,161 --> 01:01:40,761
Something with fizz
in his blood.
811
01:01:40,921 --> 01:01:43,801
Extra fizz.
Very good, Mr Lipwig.
812
01:01:43,961 --> 01:01:46,001
(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)
813
01:02:12,641 --> 01:02:15,161
(WHISTLES)
814
01:02:15,321 --> 01:02:19,241
You've made a big impression
on Pump 19.
815
01:02:19,401 --> 01:02:20,801
Thank you.
816
01:02:20,961 --> 01:02:23,721
Personally,
I think you're a phoney.
817
01:02:23,881 --> 01:02:25,801
But business is business.
818
01:02:28,201 --> 01:02:32,121
So...this is what you meant
by free uniforms.
819
01:02:32,281 --> 01:02:34,121
VON LIPWIG: Think of it
as a badge of honour.
820
01:02:34,281 --> 01:02:35,401
J y: I' "J
821
01:02:35,561 --> 01:02:38,201
Don't worry, we'll clean it off
when they leave.
822
01:02:38,361 --> 01:02:41,921
Leave? Clearly I'm not talking
to the same postmaster.
823
01:02:44,401 --> 01:02:45,721
Oh!
824
01:02:45,881 --> 01:02:49,721
You're right.
The hat really does catch the sun.
825
01:02:49,881 --> 01:02:52,921
Those quotes about wanting
to kick the clacks when it's down.
826
01:02:53,081 --> 01:02:54,681
Are they true?
827
01:02:56,641 --> 01:02:59,321
Er...
Because I want to lend a helping boot.
828
01:03:04,241 --> 01:03:06,001
You do?
829
01:03:08,041 --> 01:03:10,481
Has anyone ever told you
how beautiful you look
830
01:03:10,641 --> 01:03:12,321
when considering violence?
831
01:03:12,481 --> 01:03:15,681
Violence and retribution.
832
01:03:15,841 --> 01:03:18,161
My father was the founder
of the clacks.
833
01:03:20,041 --> 01:03:21,561
It was his great vision.
834
01:03:21,721 --> 01:03:23,521
He was no businessman.
835
01:03:23,681 --> 01:03:25,401
He borrowed money
and mortgaged everything
836
01:03:25,561 --> 01:03:26,881
to build the first system.
837
01:03:27,041 --> 01:03:30,121
The clacks was an instant hit.
He'd have made a fortune.
838
01:03:30,281 --> 01:03:32,401
Do I look like an heiress?
839
01:03:33,601 --> 01:03:35,281
(SIGHS) Black August.
840
01:03:35,441 --> 01:03:38,281
The collapse of the Cabbage
Growers Bank. Remember that?
841
01:03:38,441 --> 01:03:40,481
Um, vaguely.
842
01:03:40,641 --> 01:03:43,721
The bank fell victim
to fake bond fraud.
843
01:03:43,881 --> 01:03:45,561
Had to call
in all its loans,
844
01:03:45,721 --> 01:03:48,161
the biggest of which
was my father's.
845
01:03:50,241 --> 01:03:51,401
You're looking pale.
846
01:03:53,201 --> 01:03:56,681
Hmm? Um... (COUGHS)
847
01:03:56,841 --> 01:03:59,881
lt's paint fumes. (LAUGHS)
848
01:04:03,241 --> 01:04:06,161
A man called Gilt
and his coven of lawyers
849
01:04:06,321 --> 01:04:09,321
used the crisis to steal the clacks
from under my father's nose.
850
01:04:09,481 --> 01:04:10,441
Reacher Gilt?
851
01:04:10,601 --> 01:04:12,961
You're on first-name terms
with that reptile?
852
01:04:13,121 --> 01:04:18,161
No. No, no, I, er, bumped into him.
853
01:04:19,921 --> 01:04:24,561
So every message
that your post office delivers
854
01:04:24,721 --> 01:04:27,281
takes money out of
Reacher Gilt's pocket.
855
01:04:28,281 --> 01:04:30,201
I like that.
856
01:04:30,361 --> 01:04:31,801
You do?
857
01:04:31,961 --> 01:04:33,441
Really?
858
01:04:34,561 --> 01:04:36,601
I think I'm getting somewhere.
859
01:04:36,761 --> 01:04:40,481
MAN: Are you the one who wants
some extra fizz in 'is 'orse?
860
01:04:40,641 --> 01:04:42,921
You must be from Hobson's livery?
861
01:04:43,081 --> 01:04:48,521
I am 'Obson.
And I've brought you Boris.
862
01:04:48,681 --> 01:04:50,361
(NEIGHS WILDLY)
863
01:04:53,841 --> 01:04:55,761
'Ad all the kids you want, 'ave you?
864
01:04:57,161 --> 01:04:59,961
Sir.
Mr Groat.
865
01:05:02,081 --> 01:05:03,601
Over you go, I-load the mail.
866
01:05:03,761 --> 01:05:06,161
Right, sir. Ready for action.
867
01:05:09,561 --> 01:05:10,441
Over there?
868
01:05:10,601 --> 01:05:12,481
(BORIS NEIGHS)
869
01:05:13,881 --> 01:05:15,601
Er... Er...
870
01:05:17,001 --> 01:05:19,041
(GRUNTS AND GROANS)
871
01:05:19,201 --> 01:05:20,961
(CROWD GROANS)
872
01:05:30,921 --> 01:05:34,641
Tell your men to hold him
good and tight, Mr Hobson.
873
01:05:39,201 --> 01:05:43,641
Ladies and gentlemen.
874
01:05:43,801 --> 01:05:49,281
You see the raw power
of nature we've harnessed...
875
01:05:50,601 --> 01:05:52,801
...to deliver your post.
876
01:06:00,441 --> 01:06:02,361
Miss Dearheart.
877
01:06:04,121 --> 01:06:06,441
Ram!
878
01:06:06,601 --> 01:06:09,801
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
879
01:06:11,121 --> 01:06:12,681
Let him go!
880
01:06:12,841 --> 01:06:15,481
Whoo!
881
01:06:15,641 --> 01:06:17,001
Argh!
882
01:06:18,121 --> 01:06:19,641
Watch out!
883
01:06:19,801 --> 01:06:22,241
Boris! Argh!
884
01:06:23,601 --> 01:06:25,481
Boris! No!
885
01:06:25,641 --> 01:06:28,121
Argh!
886
01:06:28,281 --> 01:06:30,041
Boris.
887
01:06:30,201 --> 01:06:34,441
You have been
a very naughty boy.
888
01:06:34,601 --> 01:06:36,081
(Wm-mummies)
889
01:06:36,241 --> 01:06:41,401
And you know what happens
to naughty boys.
890
01:06:41,561 --> 01:06:43,281
(BORIS WHINNIES SUBMISSIVELY)
891
01:06:45,601 --> 01:06:47,841
(LIPWIG EXHALES)
892
01:06:48,001 --> 01:06:50,761
Oh, you seem to have the Boris touch.
893
01:06:53,361 --> 01:06:55,241
I don't suppose
you'd care for a ride?
894
01:06:55,401 --> 01:06:57,121
I hardly know you.
895
01:06:57,281 --> 01:06:59,681
I'm rather banking on that.
896
01:06:59,841 --> 01:07:03,601
Smooth answer. Slick.
897
01:07:06,001 --> 01:07:07,761
VON LIPWIG: Whoo!
898
01:07:07,921 --> 01:07:10,281
(LAUGHS)
899
01:07:18,521 --> 01:07:19,841
I need to make a detour.
900
01:07:20,001 --> 01:07:21,481
You want to hold up the mail?
901
01:07:21,641 --> 01:07:23,721
It won't take long.
Up there.
902
01:07:44,881 --> 01:07:48,081
We came all the way up here
to see a derelict clacks tower?
903
01:07:50,881 --> 01:07:53,441
This is where my brother John died.
904
01:07:55,601 --> 01:07:57,241
Three years ago.
905
01:08:02,561 --> 01:08:04,041
He was a clacksman.
906
01:08:05,761 --> 01:08:07,681
Until someone pushed him
from up there.
907
01:08:13,481 --> 01:08:15,081
He was murdered?
908
01:08:16,481 --> 01:08:18,641
We could never prove anything.
909
01:08:23,561 --> 01:08:24,921
Some of the old engineers say
910
01:08:25,081 --> 01:08:28,481
they can still hear John's name
on the wires.
911
01:08:30,001 --> 01:08:31,641
Just before dawn.
912
01:08:31,801 --> 01:08:33,801
(WHISPERING VOICES)
913
01:08:47,481 --> 01:08:49,761
How could your brother
carry on working here
914
01:08:49,921 --> 01:08:52,401
after what they did to your family?
915
01:08:52,561 --> 01:08:55,001
John had big plans.
916
01:08:55,161 --> 01:08:57,721
For a new clacks - better, cheaper.
917
01:08:59,801 --> 01:09:02,721
He never got a chance to build it.
918
01:09:06,721 --> 01:09:08,881
Reacher Gilt went to the trouble
to steal the clacks
919
01:09:09,041 --> 01:09:10,681
and now he won't even
look after it.
920
01:09:12,241 --> 01:09:15,041
Is it any wonder my father died
a broken man?
921
01:09:20,401 --> 01:09:24,881
When you look at me like that,
I wish I was a better man.
922
01:09:26,881 --> 01:09:28,961
You're a man with vision.
923
01:09:30,201 --> 01:09:32,201
Maybe that counts as better.
924
01:09:45,681 --> 01:09:49,241
One of the great things
about Mr Gryle...
925
01:09:50,641 --> 01:09:52,441
...he's never late.
926
01:09:52,601 --> 01:09:56,201
Do you realise that if we dilute
the clacks lubrication oil
927
01:09:56,361 --> 01:09:58,521
with guano extract,
928
01:09:58,681 --> 01:10:01,081
we can increase our profits,
929
01:10:01,241 --> 01:10:03,881
what, $2.40 a minute.
930
01:10:04,041 --> 01:10:05,521
(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)
931
01:10:10,001 --> 01:10:11,481
That'll be him now.
932
01:10:17,281 --> 01:10:23,241
Mr Gryle, this is my finance director.
Crispin Horsefry.
933
01:10:24,881 --> 01:10:26,921
You're...
934
01:10:27,081 --> 01:10:29,561
You're the...
935
01:10:29,721 --> 01:10:31,961
Banshee
936
01:10:35,601 --> 01:10:40,281
Mr Gryle, what exactly have you
found out about Moist von Lipwig?
937
01:10:40,441 --> 01:10:44,441
Father dead. Mother dead.
938
01:10:44,601 --> 01:10:48,201
Sent away to school.
939
01:10:48,361 --> 01:10:50,761
.' J L
940
01:10:50,921 --> 01:10:52,761
Ran away.
941
01:10:52,921 --> 01:10:54,241
Vanished.
942
01:10:54,401 --> 01:10:56,921
I wonder where he's been
all this time.
943
01:10:58,161 --> 01:11:04,041
Well, Mr Gryle.
This postmaster is a nuisance.
944
01:11:04,201 --> 01:11:06,441
Understood
945
01:11:11,441 --> 01:11:13,001
Deal with him for me.
946
01:11:13,161 --> 01:11:14,961
My pleasure.
947
01:11:15,121 --> 01:11:18,761
(BREATHES RASPILY)
948
01:11:41,921 --> 01:11:45,161
Express mail from Ankh-Morpork.
949
01:11:49,841 --> 01:11:51,161
Ah.
950
01:11:51,321 --> 01:11:54,321
Posted this very morning.
951
01:11:54,481 --> 01:11:56,321
Doesn't get fresher than that.
952
01:11:57,681 --> 01:11:59,601
We're going back in one hour.
953
01:11:59,761 --> 01:12:03,601
If you want to send anything,
954
01:12:03,761 --> 01:12:07,801
form an orderly line
at the back of the horse.
955
01:12:27,961 --> 01:12:30,081
I can get off a horse, you know.
956
01:12:30,241 --> 01:12:32,041
This way is more fun.
957
01:12:38,001 --> 01:12:40,001
You were right.
958
01:12:40,161 --> 01:12:42,001
I don't suppose...
959
01:12:43,001 --> 01:12:45,081
...you fancy dinner for two?
960
01:12:46,161 --> 01:12:48,081
Let me think about it.
961
01:12:48,241 --> 01:12:50,281
I really am making progress.
962
01:12:51,481 --> 01:12:52,601
Perhaps.
963
01:12:57,601 --> 01:13:02,401
But sometimes, a slow delivery
beats the express.
964
01:13:06,081 --> 01:13:10,041
It was the most wonderful kiss
I never had.
965
01:13:10,201 --> 01:13:12,321
I was on top of the world.
966
01:13:12,481 --> 01:13:14,921
The only problem with having
a bright tomorrow
967
01:13:15,081 --> 01:13:17,561
is you have to get through
the night before.
968
01:13:17,721 --> 01:13:18,721
(WHISTLES)
969
01:13:18,881 --> 01:13:20,601
(WOMAN'S SOB ECHOES)
970
01:13:33,121 --> 01:13:34,681
Who's there?
971
01:13:39,401 --> 01:13:41,841
Hello.
972
01:13:42,001 --> 01:13:43,961
(SOBBING GROWS LOUDER)
973
01:14:06,321 --> 01:14:08,721
Who's there?
974
01:14:15,121 --> 01:14:16,801
Oh!
975
01:14:16,961 --> 01:14:20,601
(SOBBING CONTINUES,
WHISPERING VOICES)
976
01:14:27,921 --> 01:14:31,281
(SOUND OF FILM PROJECTOR
RUNNING)
977
01:14:31,441 --> 01:14:32,281
(BOTH SPEAK INAUDIBLY)
978
01:14:32,441 --> 01:14:34,321
VON LIPWIG: No, it can't be!
979
01:14:34,481 --> 01:14:35,641
L'm still awake!
980
01:14:37,121 --> 01:14:38,801
Adora!
981
01:14:38,961 --> 01:14:41,961
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC SWIRLS)
982
01:14:50,201 --> 01:14:52,601
No.
983
01:14:52,761 --> 01:14:54,321
Please.
984
01:14:54,481 --> 01:14:56,401
Not again.
985
01:15:13,281 --> 01:15:15,601
Why are you showing me this?
986
01:15:45,721 --> 01:15:46,601
No!
987
01:15:46,761 --> 01:15:49,801
Argh!
988
01:15:53,641 --> 01:15:54,841
Help!
989
01:15:55,001 --> 01:15:58,001
(WHISPERING VOICES)
990
01:15:59,841 --> 01:16:01,561
What do you want with me?!
991
01:16:01,721 --> 01:16:03,761
(WHISPERING VOICES
BECOME MORE URGENT)
992
01:17:07,201 --> 01:17:08,761
Alright.
993
01:17:13,041 --> 01:17:15,001
Enough.
994
01:17:17,641 --> 01:17:20,561
Finish it here.
995
01:17:20,721 --> 01:17:22,681
It's what I deserve.
996
01:17:28,321 --> 01:17:29,681
Oh!
997
01:17:34,281 --> 01:17:39,401
Adora, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
998
01:17:39,561 --> 01:17:41,361
MR PUMP: Mr Lipwig.
999
01:17:45,201 --> 01:17:46,521
What are you doing?!
1000
01:17:46,681 --> 01:17:47,761
Rescuing you.
1001
01:17:47,921 --> 01:17:50,961
There's no point,
I can't escape the...
1002
01:17:51,121 --> 01:17:54,081
I deserve to die!
1003
01:17:54,241 --> 01:17:57,281
Your safety is my concern.
1004
01:17:58,401 --> 01:18:00,841
Oh, hell.
Last time you said that...
1005
01:18:02,201 --> 01:18:04,161
Argh!
1006
01:18:04,321 --> 01:18:09,481
I didn't mean to hit you
so hard, Mr Lipwig.
1007
01:18:09,641 --> 01:18:12,241
I wish you'd finish me off.
1008
01:18:12,401 --> 01:18:15,441
No-one should wish their life away.
1009
01:18:15,601 --> 01:18:19,201
But I'm a bad man, Mr Pump.
1010
01:18:20,681 --> 01:18:22,921
I’ve done terrible things.
1011
01:18:23,081 --> 01:18:26,841
And your punishment
is to rebuild the post office.
1012
01:18:27,001 --> 01:18:30,241
One balances out the other
1013
01:18:31,401 --> 01:18:34,281
Nothing can balance out
what I've done.
1014
01:18:35,561 --> 01:18:37,121
Oh, Pump 19, how's it going?
1015
01:18:37,281 --> 01:18:40,801
Oh. You look like
you've seen a ghost.
1016
01:18:40,961 --> 01:18:42,841
How did you know?
1017
01:18:43,001 --> 01:18:44,201
(LAUGHS)
1018
01:18:44,361 --> 01:18:46,801
The answer's yes.
1019
01:18:49,201 --> 01:18:50,681
Dinner for two?
1020
01:18:53,961 --> 01:18:56,161
(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)
1021
01:18:57,201 --> 01:19:00,281
(LAUGHS) Er, l...
1022
01:19:08,041 --> 01:19:10,801
Oh. I see.
1023
01:19:15,561 --> 01:19:19,801
I'd love to, Adora. But you
really have to stay away from me.
1024
01:19:19,961 --> 01:19:22,761
It's not you, it's me.
1025
01:19:22,921 --> 01:19:26,201
Oh! Clichés as well.
Now I really am insulted.
1026
01:19:26,361 --> 01:19:28,521
Trust me, it's best
we call the whole thing off.
1027
01:19:28,681 --> 01:19:33,841
Don't flatter yourself.
I hadn't decided it was on.
1028
01:19:51,121 --> 01:19:55,761
OK. I'm here.
What exactly did you want to know?
1029
01:19:59,361 --> 01:20:01,721
Would you mind
if we talked somewhere else?
1030
01:20:06,641 --> 01:20:09,641
It was dirty,
ruthless and back-stabbing,
1031
01:20:09,801 --> 01:20:12,001
but it made great copy.
1032
01:20:12,161 --> 01:20:14,201
Bad news always does.
1033
01:20:14,361 --> 01:20:16,081
When the clacks
got into financial difficulty,
1034
01:20:16,241 --> 01:20:19,641
the only person who could help them
was Reacher Gilt.
1035
01:20:19,801 --> 01:20:23,281
The Dearhearts were so desperate
they'd have signed anything.
1036
01:20:23,441 --> 01:20:27,561
Gilt took the entire business
from under the family's nose.
1037
01:20:27,721 --> 01:20:30,601
Technically legal, morally rotten.
1038
01:20:35,001 --> 01:20:37,601
But there'd be no clacks
if it weren't for the Dearhearts.
1039
01:20:37,761 --> 01:20:39,481
And they'd never have
got into trouble
1040
01:20:39,641 --> 01:20:41,321
if it weren't
for the banking crisis.
1041
01:20:41,481 --> 01:20:44,401
Surely the banks
could survive a few fake bonds.
1042
01:20:44,561 --> 01:20:46,401
(LAUGHS)
1043
01:20:46,561 --> 01:20:49,241
You call that a few?
1044
01:20:54,441 --> 01:20:57,281
It wasn't the happiest reunion
in my life.
1045
01:20:57,441 --> 01:21:02,441
I had drawn every line,
faked every signature on those bonds.
1046
01:21:02,601 --> 01:21:04,801
Now I felt sick to look at them.
1047
01:21:06,361 --> 01:21:09,241
Go to her.
I can't.
1048
01:21:09,401 --> 01:21:11,281
Apologise to her.
1049
01:21:11,441 --> 01:21:13,201
The letters have warned me
to stay away.
1050
01:21:13,361 --> 01:21:16,481
The letters?
Again with this nonsense.
1051
01:21:16,641 --> 01:21:19,081
If I go near Adora again,
the letters will kill me.
1052
01:21:19,241 --> 01:21:21,201
Letters do not kill.
1053
01:21:22,601 --> 01:21:24,641
I will prove it to you.
1054
01:21:33,921 --> 01:21:36,361
You must be the victim.
1055
01:21:39,241 --> 01:21:41,401
Who the hell are you?
1056
01:21:41,561 --> 01:21:45,521
Mr Ridcully is archchancellor
of the Unseen University.
1057
01:21:45,681 --> 01:21:50,961
He will give you proof the letters
do not want to kill you.
1058
01:21:51,121 --> 01:21:53,081
(LAUGHS)
How is he going to do that?
1059
01:21:53,241 --> 01:21:54,561
How many words are here?
1060
01:21:54,721 --> 01:21:58,801
A million? Two million?
1061
01:22:00,001 --> 01:22:04,801
What about in the whole building?
There must be billions.
1062
01:22:04,961 --> 01:22:09,321
Only an academic could state
the obvious and pass it off as wisdom.
1063
01:22:11,161 --> 01:22:12,881
Are you the type to burn a book,
Lipwig?
1064
01:22:13,041 --> 01:22:15,361
Why? NO.
1065
01:22:17,001 --> 01:22:20,441
Because you just don't do
that sort of thing.
1066
01:22:20,601 --> 01:22:23,721
Correct.
Books must be treated with respect.
1067
01:22:23,881 --> 01:22:29,281
We feel that in our bones,
because words have power.
1068
01:22:29,441 --> 01:22:34,121
Bring enough words together,
they can bend space and time.
1069
01:22:34,281 --> 01:22:36,481
That's what has been giving you
hallucinations.
1070
01:22:36,641 --> 01:22:40,601
For the last time,
they weren't hallucinations.
1071
01:22:40,761 --> 01:22:42,841
They did try to kill me.
1072
01:22:43,001 --> 01:22:44,841
The terrible thing is...
1073
01:22:46,201 --> 01:22:47,361
...l deserve it.
1074
01:22:48,721 --> 01:22:50,961
Read my lips.
1075
01:22:54,761 --> 01:22:56,041
People kill.
1076
01:22:56,201 --> 01:22:58,241
Wild animals kill.
1077
01:22:58,401 --> 01:23:03,001
But words... Words have
a totally different power.
1078
01:23:03,161 --> 01:23:08,001
They enter through our eyes and ears
and work their way into our souls.
1079
01:23:08,161 --> 01:23:11,641
I think this is where
the real problem is.
1080
01:23:11,801 --> 01:23:13,721
Your soul.
1081
01:23:13,881 --> 01:23:16,841
Don't blame the letters
for your own problems.
1082
01:23:21,201 --> 01:23:24,361
Now you can apologise
to Miss Dearheart.
1083
01:23:26,481 --> 01:23:28,881
It's way beyond apology.
1084
01:23:29,041 --> 01:23:31,761
Only she can judge that.
1085
01:23:31,921 --> 01:23:34,321
Talk to her.
1086
01:23:37,761 --> 01:23:39,721
I don't trust my tongue.
1087
01:23:39,881 --> 01:23:43,081
When I speak, I lie.
1088
01:23:43,241 --> 01:23:44,561
It's the way it's always been.
1089
01:23:44,721 --> 01:23:48,601
So don't speak.
Write her a letter.
1090
01:23:50,481 --> 01:23:52,721
A written confession.
1091
01:23:53,761 --> 01:23:58,321
No. A con man can't do that.
1092
01:23:58,481 --> 01:24:00,721
It's against our code of practice.
1093
01:24:00,881 --> 01:24:04,921
But what better way
for a postmaster?
1094
01:24:07,081 --> 01:24:10,121
Which is how I came
to be sitting here,
1095
01:24:10,281 --> 01:24:13,161
pouring out my heart.
1096
01:24:13,321 --> 01:24:17,761
All I can do is seal this
with the most loving kiss...
1097
01:24:17,921 --> 01:24:19,321
...and hope.
1098
01:24:25,761 --> 01:24:28,121
I'm not convinced, Mr Pump.
1099
01:24:28,281 --> 01:24:31,921
I didn't get where I am today
by telling the truth.
1100
01:24:32,081 --> 01:24:36,161
And where exactly are you?
1101
01:24:36,321 --> 01:24:38,881
Point taken.
1102
01:24:43,561 --> 01:24:45,401
Stamp it up and send it on its way.
1103
01:24:45,561 --> 01:24:50,161
No. You must deliver this by hand.
1104
01:24:50,321 --> 01:24:53,921
(LAUGHS) If I get within 50 yards
of Adora, I'm a dead man.
1105
01:24:54,081 --> 01:24:56,481
I told Adora to meet you
at 8 o'clock.
1106
01:24:56,641 --> 01:24:58,161
Dinner for two.
1107
01:24:58,321 --> 01:25:00,921
You mean I have to be there
when she reads this?
1108
01:25:01,081 --> 01:25:03,801
At the best restaurant in town.
1109
01:25:03,961 --> 01:25:07,161
How did you get a table?
They're booked up for months.
1110
01:25:07,321 --> 01:25:08,961
I didn't.
1111
01:25:09,121 --> 01:25:13,001
This is one time
your lying will be useful.
1112
01:25:35,121 --> 01:25:38,241
Good evening, sir.
Reservation for?
1113
01:25:38,401 --> 01:25:41,801
You mean you still don't know?
1114
01:25:41,961 --> 01:25:44,121
After all the times I've been here.
1115
01:25:44,281 --> 01:25:46,601
L'm acquainted with the regulars,
but, er...
1116
01:25:48,361 --> 01:25:49,921
...l cannot place you, sir.
1117
01:25:50,081 --> 01:25:52,041
Very good.
1118
01:25:52,201 --> 01:25:56,281
I appreciate your discretion.
1119
01:25:58,161 --> 01:26:00,281
Wouldn't want everyone knowing
we were here.
1120
01:26:00,441 --> 01:26:05,401
So shall I wait for Mr Gilt
inside at the regular table?
1121
01:26:05,561 --> 01:26:08,001
Mr Gilt, you say?
Mm-hm.
1122
01:26:09,121 --> 01:26:13,561
I'm afraid that...
Mr Gilt doesn't do problems.
1123
01:26:13,721 --> 01:26:14,681
But...
1124
01:26:14,841 --> 01:26:16,921
Surely you of all people
remember the Poisson Rouge.
1125
01:26:18,281 --> 01:26:19,681
I cannot say... Exact”
1126
01:26:19,841 --> 01:26:23,161
Mr Gilt used to take
the city's finest there every week
1127
01:26:23,321 --> 01:26:27,601
until one day,
same thing happened.
1128
01:26:29,001 --> 01:26:31,761
Au revoir, Poisson Rouge.
1129
01:26:32,961 --> 01:26:35,321
L'll wait inside, shall I?
1130
01:27:00,681 --> 01:27:01,881
Adora.
1131
01:27:03,721 --> 01:27:06,321
You look...
I'm only here because Mr Pump begged.
1132
01:27:08,001 --> 01:27:09,601
(CLEARS THROAT FORCEFULLY)
1133
01:27:09,761 --> 01:27:11,521
That and the stuffed liver.
1134
01:27:15,761 --> 01:27:18,361
To be honest,
I can't think about food...
1135
01:27:18,521 --> 01:27:21,561
...until you've read this.
1136
01:27:24,801 --> 01:27:27,161
Is it an apology?
1137
01:27:27,321 --> 01:27:30,401
It... lt's worse than that.
1138
01:27:31,601 --> 01:27:34,921
Just read it.
1139
01:27:35,081 --> 01:27:38,561
And then, maybe, we can move on.
1140
01:27:45,321 --> 01:27:46,321
(CLEARS THROAT)
1141
01:27:54,521 --> 01:27:57,761
GRYLE:
Good evening, little postman.
1142
01:28:02,841 --> 01:28:05,841
Hello?!
(GRYLE RASPS)
1143
01:28:08,401 --> 01:28:11,001
We are closed.
1144
01:28:13,281 --> 01:28:16,561
But we are open again
at 9:00 in the morning.
1145
01:28:16,721 --> 01:28:17,601
(GRYLE LAUGHS)
1146
01:28:17,761 --> 01:28:19,721
We've got a special
on mail to Pseudopolis.
1147
01:28:19,881 --> 01:28:21,761
GRYLE: Ah!
1148
01:28:21,921 --> 01:28:24,521
Why not write to your old...granny?
1149
01:28:24,681 --> 01:28:28,561
GRYLE: I ate my granny.
1150
01:28:28,721 --> 01:28:30,641
Oh.
1151
01:28:30,801 --> 01:28:33,361
Then I'm...dead.
1152
01:28:37,441 --> 01:28:40,761
(GRYLE ROARS)
(SCREAMS)
1153
01:29:03,521 --> 01:29:08,521
Um, perhaps I could paraphrase
the last section.
1154
01:29:08,681 --> 01:29:11,001
You ruined my family.
Adora, I'm sorry.
1155
01:29:11,161 --> 01:29:12,841
What can I say?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
1156
01:29:13,001 --> 01:29:14,321
You're a liar and cheat.
1157
01:29:14,481 --> 01:29:15,841
Those days are behind me. I swear.
1158
01:29:16,001 --> 01:29:19,201
Every word is true, I've bared my
soul to you. There are no lies left.
1159
01:29:19,361 --> 01:29:22,081
My dear Moist!
1160
01:29:22,241 --> 01:29:25,521
How good of you to bag a table.
1161
01:29:25,681 --> 01:29:28,801
You...and him?
1162
01:29:28,961 --> 01:29:30,321
VON LIPWIG: No.
(em CHUCKLES)
1163
01:29:30,481 --> 01:29:33,161
Always a joke with Moist, hmm?
1164
01:29:33,321 --> 01:29:37,601
Why don't you to ask them
to bring the champagne list, huh?
1165
01:29:39,361 --> 01:29:41,481
Just gotta freshen up.
1166
01:29:45,041 --> 01:29:47,361
How many more times
will you humiliate me?
1167
01:29:47,521 --> 01:29:48,681
I can explain!
1168
01:29:48,841 --> 01:29:51,281
What's sticking into your foot
1169
01:29:51,441 --> 01:29:53,321
is a steel-tipped,
four-inch stiletto heel,
1170
01:29:53,481 --> 01:29:55,321
the most dangerous footwear
in the world. (GRUNTS)
1171
01:29:55,481 --> 01:29:56,521
Arggh!
1172
01:29:56,681 --> 01:30:01,001
I know what you're thinking. “Could she
push it all the way through to the floor?”
1173
01:30:01,161 --> 01:30:03,161
(CRIES OUT) No!
1174
01:30:03,321 --> 01:30:05,961
To tell you the truth,
I'm not sure about that myself,
1175
01:30:06,121 --> 01:30:08,601
but I'm going to give it
a damn good try.
1176
01:30:08,761 --> 01:30:10,161
(GROANS IN PAIN)
1177
01:30:10,321 --> 01:30:12,401
MAN: The post office is burning!
1178
01:30:14,921 --> 01:30:15,921
Argh!
1179
01:30:29,321 --> 01:30:31,201
Mr Pump.
1180
01:30:31,361 --> 01:30:33,601
Where's Stanley and Groat?
1181
01:30:34,601 --> 01:30:37,681
Your safety is my concern.
1182
01:30:39,921 --> 01:30:40,801
Mr Groat.
1183
01:30:40,961 --> 01:30:42,441
(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)
1184
01:30:47,521 --> 01:30:49,041
Call the fire brigade.
1185
01:30:50,081 --> 01:30:52,121
Argh! (COUGHS)
1186
01:30:54,121 --> 01:30:57,921
lt's Stanley. You've got to save Stanley.
(WHEEZES)
1187
01:31:16,641 --> 01:31:21,161
MR PUMP: Mr Lipwig!
It's too dangerous.
1188
01:31:29,641 --> 01:31:31,601
Stanley!
1189
01:31:31,761 --> 01:31:34,001
(GRYLE ROARS)
1190
01:31:34,161 --> 01:31:35,961
(SCREAMS)
1191
01:31:36,121 --> 01:31:39,881
And Lipwig make five!
1192
01:31:40,041 --> 01:31:43,841
L'm collecting dead postmasters.
1193
01:31:44,001 --> 01:31:50,161
Of course,
the fun part is making them dead!
1194
01:31:50,321 --> 01:31:52,921
You killed them?
(RASPS)
1195
01:31:53,081 --> 01:31:54,121
All of them?
1196
01:31:54,281 --> 01:31:55,441
Oh, yes.
1197
01:31:55,601 --> 01:31:58,841
I am the killer!
(CRIES OUT)
1198
01:31:59,001 --> 01:32:02,601
This is a post office closure!
1199
01:32:02,761 --> 01:32:04,641
(BOTH SCREAM)
1200
01:32:04,801 --> 01:32:06,441
(ONLOOKERS SHRIEK)
1201
01:32:11,481 --> 01:32:14,481
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
86023
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