All language subtitles for 02 - Basils Best Bits

Welcome to a Fawlty Towers
exclusive.

30 years after the
doors finally shut

on the world-famous Torquay hotel,
we're checking in once more

to reveal the ten best bits,

as chosen by the show's star
and creator, John Cleese,

now sunning himself
in Southern California.

If someone stood me against the wall
and said they were going to shoot me

if I didn't say what was my
absolutely favourite moment,

I would actually say...
Uh-uh, not yet!

You're a naughty boy, Fawlty!

Along the way, as John
picks Basil's Best Bits,

we'll be revisiting the shows
episode by episode,

to find out why Fawlty Towers
has stood the test of time.

Fawlty Towers survives because it's

brilliantly made, brilliantly written,

immaculately performed,
precision comedy.

If this was back in the States,
I wouldn't board my dog here.

Fussy, is he? Poodle?

It was beautifully written
and beautifully directed

and John, Connie and Andrew are
wonderful people to work with.

You're only single once.

Twice can be arranged.

We'll also be talking to cast and
crew about their favourite moments.

If you asked anybody,

and it certainly is one
of mine, is The Germans.

I'll do the funny walk.

I don't think you can beat that
moment, "Would you care for a rat?"

Would you care for rat, or...?

Not rat, filigree Siberian hamster.

Of course it's a rat!
You have rats in Spain, don't you?

Or did Franco have them all shot?

My favourite line of all, "I am a
doctor and I want my sausages."

I don't know why I
think it's so funny.

Look, I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor
and I want my sausages.

I tell you, is finish.

It's extraordinary that
people still say it.

I mean, everybody loves sausages.
Maybe it's that simple.

And a cavalcade of very
special celebrity fans

celebrates the bits
they love the best.

Go away.
'I do like the Lord Melbury one'

because it exposes
Basil for what he is.

I think it is him

waking up in hospital and
looking at the nurse and going...

My God, you're ugly, aren't you?

"Don't mention ze war!"

Serving a trifle for a duck.

He puts his hands in and
separates this whole cake out.

Favourite moment has to be...

giving the car a damn good thrashing.

So, without further ado, let's
begin at the very beginning.

Written by and starring husband and
wife John Cleese and Connie Booth,

the first ever episode of Fawlty
Towers arrived on our screens

on 1975 and opened with Basil
battling an unhung picture

and a hotel full of riff-raff.

Have you seen the people in room
six?

They've never even sat on chairs
before, they're commoners.

The day isn't going well for
our hapless hotel manager,

but then a certain
Lord Melbury checks in.

Yes? A single room... Your name
please, could I have your name?

PHONE RINGS
Melbury. One second please. Hello?

Ah yes, Mr O'Reilly,
it's perfectly simple.

When I asked you to build me a wall,

I was rather hoping that instead of
just dumping the bricks in a pile,

you might have found time to cement
them together, you know...

Fawlty is talking to the builder
and then he notices that the guest

who's signing in has only
signed his surname.

Would you put both
your names, please?

Will you give me a date?
- I only use one.

You don't have a first name?

No, I am Lord Melbury,
so I simply sign Melbury.

Go away. I'm so sorry to have kept
you waiting, Your Lordship...

I do apologise, so please
accept my forgiveness.

Now, is there something, something,

anything that I can do for you?
Anything?

That's excruciatingly well done.

Basil trying to be nice to people,
being impressed by people.

Well, I have filled this in.

Please, don't bother with that.

Now a special room, a single?
A double? A suite?

It was almost too embarrassing
to watch Basil's snobbery.

He always is falling over people
who have a Sir or a Lord or a...

in front of their names.

Very funny how much that means to him.

Just a single. Absolutely, how very
wise if I may say so, Your Honour.

Yes, with a bath.
Oh, naturally, naturally.

Naturellement.
HE LAUGHS HEARTILY

It's this bizarre snobbery,

that is so perverted and it's very
British and he's so dazzling at it.

I shall be staying for one or two
nights... Oh, please, please.

HE RINGS BELL
Manuel.

'That's one of my favourite
episodes.

'Just says, "This is this bloke'

"you're going to be seeing quite a
lot of and this is what he's like,"

and it was just caught in a second.

Our next moment from the first
episode is when Polly the maid

reveals that Basil's lord and master
isn't all he's cracked up to be.

He showed me identification.

They're watching Melbury, he's
a confidence trickster. I see.

What do you mean, you see? Let's
have a look at these valuables.

What are you doing?
I forbid you to open that safe.

Sybil, I forbid you
to take that case out.

Sybil, do not open that case, I
forbid it. I have forbidden this.

I think one of my favourite bits

is the moment that Basil
discovers the bricks

in Lord Melbury's briefcase.

'John just looks at the bricks,

'and then he picks one up,
and that gets a laugh.'

Takes the other one, and
he smells it or something,

which is such a strange thing to do
and then he bangs them together.

And then in the end,
he just makes a noise.

HE GRUNTS

'Like "Take it away".'

That's beautiful, it takes it
out of standard sitcom area.

'It's a cruel moment and it's so
funny and yet it's so poignant.'

You feel so sorry for John.

It's a wonderful moment.

Cue the first recorded explosion
of Basil's simmering rage,

Well, how are you, Lord Melbury?

How are you, then? All right, mate?

How's me old mucker?

People get really, really angry
when they're cross with themselves,

and it's one of those simple truths

that Basil of course
exhibits all the time.

When he realises that Lord Melbury
is not what he seemed to be,

he gets very, very cross
because he has been humiliated.

He, Basil, has been humiliated.

Any valuables to deposit, Sir
Richard? Any bricks or...? Oh, no!

I do apologise. You bastard!

And I remember watching this with my
parents. He just shouts "Bastard!"

really loudly. Twice, I think.

Hello, Lord Melbury.

Bastard!

It was one of those, "How will my
parents react?" moments.

Do please excuse me one moment.

'I suppose the bit where he's
kicking Lord Melbury...'

That's a typical John moment,
I think,

when John's showing
through Basil Fawlty.

Just one. Sorry, Mr Fawlty.
Just one. Please!

This is another feature of
the Fawlty Towers episodes,

there comes a moment
when Basil just cracks.

That's why he gets so cross,
he's cracking up.

That's what happens when
people just lose control.

Coming up, more great moments
from series one and we find out

what moment John Cleese has selected
as the first of Basil's Best Bits.

Go away. Welcome back to this
Fawlty Towers exclusive.

John Cleese had refused
a Radio Times front cover

to promote the first episode

because he wanted people to
discover it for themselves.

Less than two million did.

But that changed as the series
slowly grew a strong audience,

Friday nights on BBC Two.

We used to laugh quite a lot.

Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.

Coming up, the creative genius
behind the show, John Cleese,

will be revealing the first
of his very favourite moments,

so keep your eye out
for Basil's Best Bits.

Argh!

In the second episode to be
screened, the Fawltys take a trip

to Paignton, leaving
the staff in charge.

Manuel Towers, how are you?

Is nice today. Good. Goodbye.

Whilst Basil and Sybil are gone,

some Irish builders arrive with
predictably catastrophic results.

Polly's been put in charge of
overseeing some building alterations

but she falls asleep and during
the period she's having a brief nap,

and my God, that woman
is so overworked,

the hapless builder bricks over
the entrance into the dining room.

Polly, what have you
done with my hotel?

Polly, what have you done
to my hotel? What? Look!

Oh, it's nice, I like it there.
Ouch!

What have you done with my
dining room door? Where is it?

Basil treats women so badly, not
just by his general incompetence

but he actually is prepared to fight
them, physically fight them.

Well, I mean, is that acceptable?

I just think he's a...

misanthrope generally.

I mean men, women, what have you,
there's so much rage in him.

Oh, of course, there I was
thinking it was your fault

because you'd been left in charge or
Manuel's fault for not waking you,

and all the time it was my fault!

Oh, it's so obvious now,
I've seen the light!

Well, I must be punished then,
mustn't I?

You're a naughty boy, Fawlty.

Don't do it... What am I going to do?!

She's going to be back at lunchtime.

Now, wait. I'm a dead man.
Do you realise? Easy...

You're dead too, we're all dead!

Don't panic.
What else is there to do?!

HE MOANS MANICALLY

Shhh. We've got to call O'Reilly.

He made this mess, he can
come in and clear it up.

Oh, just pull yourself together!

Come on!

I think when he threatens
to hit Polly

is one of my favourite moments
because it's so unexpected.

He's taking it out on anything
or anybody except himself.

Again!

But then he realised, no,
it's worked, slap me again!

And then he's telling her off
for not hitting him hard enough.

Harder!

Right, I'll call O'Reilly.

Such a wonderful complexity
of stuff going on there.

Matters get worse for Basil

when Sybil returns to find
her hotel rearranged.

I'm sick to death of you.

You never learn, do you?
You never, ever learn.

'I'm in the bar having
a quiet drink,'

and I come in and I'm waiting
to be complimented, I suppose,

by this dishy lady on the
beautiful work I'd done,

and she suddenly turns nasty.

He's shoddy, he doesn't care,
he's a liar and incompetent,

he's lazy, he's a half-witted
thick Irish joke.

Oh, hello O'Reilly, funny, we
were just talking about you

and then we got on to another
Irish builder we used to know.

Oh, God, he was awful!

I was talking about you, Mr O'Reilly.

Were you, dear? I thought
you were talking...

David Kelly played
the Irish cowboy builder

and he played it with
a mixture of cowardice

and hopelessness and drunkenness,
which was quite appropriate.

I like a woman with spirit,
I do, I do.

You think I'm joking, don't you?

Oh, don't smile.

Why are you smiling, Mr O'Reilly?

Well, to be perfectly honest, Mrs
Fawlty, I like a woman with spirit.

Oh, do you? Is that what you like?

I do, I do. Oh, good.

I liked bashing him over the head.
What did I bash him with?

Now Sybil, that's enough.

She beat us up with an umbrella.

Come on, then, give us a smile.

Nice to be able to let go
and have a bash, literally!

Now collect your things and get out.
Argh!

When she clouted me,
and John, we really felt it.

I shouldn't bring it up
because poor Pru,

she wouldn't have intended to do so,

but she did really clobber us and
it was worth suffering for the art.

In the third episode,

an amorous French lady is visiting
Devon in search of antiques.

Ah, Mr Fawlty, you're so charming.
Well, one does one's best.

And meanwhile, a party of excitable
wedding guests checks in

and Basil becomes
increasingly agitated,

seeing sexual intent everywhere.

SHE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS

Are we ready? I think we are, yes.

Well, may I have your name please?
Yes, it's Bruce.

Mr and Mrs Bruce. That's right.

Is it a double bed?
I beg your pardon?

Has our room got a double bed?

A double bed? Yes.

We've only got one double bed,
do you want that?

Oh, very much indeed, yes.

Well, I'll have to put you
in number 12 then. All right.

'Basil is horrified, of course,'

because this young couple arrive

and he suddenly realizes
they are not married.

They are part of this new,
modern, promiscuous society

which should not be tolerated at all.

And therefore he has no way

that he is going to put
them in a double room.

I think there's a letter for me.

What? There's a letter for me there.
No there isn't. Yes. Jean Wilson.

Jean Wilson, is this you? Mmm-hmm.

Now what's going on here?

Well, I can't give you
a double room then.

Oh, look... It's against the law.

What law? The law of England,
nothing to do with me.

Nothing at all. I can give you
two singles if you like.

Right in front of him,
this promiscuous behaviour,

it's not correct, it's not proper.

The best thing in
the episode about sex,

which demonstrates how Basil still

sees filth and depravity in
everything around him

is that this guy comes to reception
and asks if any chemists are open.

Do you know if there's
a chemist still open?

I beg your pardon?

Do you know if there's
a chemist still open?

I suppose you think
this is funny, do you?

Funny?
Ha, ha, ha.

No, no I really want to know.

Do you? I don't. So far as I
know, the chemists are shut.

You'll have to wait
till tomorrow. Sorry.

Well, in those days,
chemists had only one meaning

and that was, you are going
to have sex tonight,

and that's why you want
to go to a chemist.

I don't suppose you've got a...
Now look!

Just don't push your luck. I
have a breaking point, you know.

I only want some batteries.

I don't believe it. What?

Batteries, eh? You know something?

You disgust me.

I know what people like you get up
to and I think it's disgusting.

What are you talking about?

It's for my electric razor.
I want to shave. Oh, yes?

I haven't shaved today. Look, see?

Electric razor, huh? Right.

Well, that's what I
was referring to.

It is of course disgusting
that you haven't shaved,

but understandable.
Sometimes I don't shave either,

that's disgusting too so
I'll have a razor sent up.

Thank you so much. Goodnight.

And it's in the wedding party
that we find

the first of Basil's Best Bits,

the favourite moments personally
chosen by John Cleese himself.

Once Connie and I had observed
what Pru was doing with Sybil,

we took great pleasure in writing
just little bits of dialogue

where she could go on being Sybil.

Basil would be in the background,
of course, becoming exasperated

and I'm very fond of this
very quiet little scene.

SYBIL LAUGHS

Sybil wasn't based on anyone.

That was something that we
discovered as we went along.

You write a character,
after a time you say a line

and somehow, you can't
explain it, it feels right.

You say another line,
that doesn't feel right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Audrey, any news?

Oh, dear, he hasn't.

Oh, I know.

He doesn't deserve you,
Audrey, he really doesn't.

Exactly. I know you have.

I know, I know.

Oh, I know.

Are you going to go on
like that all night?

What was that, Audrey?

Oh, I know.

I know. Why's she telling you, then?

I understand, dear, I really do.

I can't stand it any more. I'll go
and clear the roof or something.

DOORBELL RINGS Ah, there's the
front door bell, somebody's back late.

Yes, yes. I expect they forgot
to get their pass key.

I know. Somebody better
go and let them in.

Yes. I'll go then, shall I?

Mmm. Yes, I agree,
right, I'll go then.

You know who that is, don't you?
That's your pair.

The Kama Sutra set.

"Good evening, welcome to Basil
Fawlty Knocking Shops Ltd".

No, dear, it's only Basil.

Our next celebrated scene
from this episode

comes after John's first favourite

and it's when Basil finds himself

the focus of a flirtatious
French guest.

French, hmm, so what
does that mean, French?

My goodness me, that means
all sorts of wickedness.

That means a lady of ill virtue,
almost certainly.

She's that rapacious, predatory...

French woman that brings out all
of the English neuroses about sex.

I shall sleep au naturelle tonight.

Good idea. Right.

Only it's not so much
fun on your own.

Oh, well, one can always pretend.

Oh, twinge from the old leg.
Better go and lie down. Goodnight.

Goodnight! Damn shrapnel.

When Mrs Peignoir could
seemingly be offering him

some sort of sexual lifeline, he
doesn't really know what to do.

He's flattered by it
and he's certainly,

I think, enthusiastic about the idea,

but the moment it looks like
possibly becoming a reality,

he's shaken to the core.

I think you've forgotten something.

Did I? Damn, well, there you go.

Your recorder. Oh, thank you.

I think she was very funny in it
and I mean, she's very good,

she dredged up that
fantastic French accent.

You left it in my room so you could
come and get it, didn't you?

The accent that I had, I sometimes
think sounds slightly Hungarian,

but there you are,
I'm quite critical of my work.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: But of course, it's

very like that, "You're a very
naughty man, Mr Fawlty."

I'm not having you knocking on my
door in the middle of the night.

LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

I should cocoa! You naughty man!

Goodnight. Goodnight.

'The tension's building because
Mrs Peignoir's flirting with him.

'Sybil arrives and knocks on
the door and Basil panics,'

and thinks it's Mrs Peignoir
who's come back for him,

and he tells her to go away.

Let me in, Basil. You'll meet
somebody else sooner or later.

Basil! Try to control yourself.
Where do you think you are? Paris?

Then he clocks it, that it's Sybil,

and this transition, how were we
going to make that moment work?

Go away! My wife will hear us!

This is your wife.

Oh, what a terrible dream.

"Oh, what a terrible dream."

And that was brilliant
because it was so Basil.

We've seen three episodes,

yet John's chosen just
one favourite moment

which, by my calculation, means
there are nine more to go.

What?
So what else will he pick?

I think he'll pick the moment

when he's in the kitchen and he's
in effect beating himself up.

What do you Mr and Mrs
Hamilton would think?

I think the moose, probably,
the talking moose.

How are you, sir?

I don't know. I don't know
what John will pick.

That'll be interesting.

Come on then,
give us a smile!

Welcome back to this
Fawlty Towers exclusive.

Creators John Cleese and Connie
Booth wrote their high farce sitcom

to include a unique parade
of British talent

who'd check into the hotel each week
to play against the regular cast.

Cheers. Up yours, Basil.

The next episode is
a classic example,

with the great Bernard Cribbins

starring as an overly
officious guest,

who just happens to check in
on a day when Basil and Sybil

are on high alert
for hotel inspectors.

Is it possible for me to
reserve the BBC Two Channel

for the duration of
this televisual feast?

Why don't you talk properly?

Basil is convinced that he's
an undercover inspector

and is enraged to find out that he's
just a humble purveyor of spoons.

Spoons, eh?

I'm sorry?

Sp...oons.

It's this little misunderstanding
which gives us our second

Basil's Best Bit, as carefully
chosen by John Cleese.

Another very favourite moment
of mine is a scene

between me and Connie
and Bernard Cribbins.

Bernard's always been a huge,
huge favourite of mine,

and going way back, I have
always loved his performance,

I was so happy that he was able to
be in the Hotel Inspectors episode.

In this I'm just about
to be rude to him

and then Polly, as usual, covers
for me absolutely brilliantly.

I love the bit of
acting that goes on

about not necessarily having to look

at someone when you're
talking to them.

And that follows for about
30 seconds afterwards

and I think it's the best bit of
comedy acting in Fawlty Towers.

I've changed my mind, I do
not want the cheese salad,

I wish to cancel it.

I'm not used to being
spoken to like that,

and I've no wish to
continue my luncheon.

I do apologise if what I said
seemed a trifle brusque.

Brusque? It was rude,
Mr Fawlty, rude!

Well, I'm deeply sorry if
it came over like that.

Nothing could have been further from
my mind. You told me to shut up.

No, no, he told me to shut up.

He what? He said it to me!
- I know I was looking at you,

but I was talking to Polly,
wasn't I, Polly? Oh, yes.

Did you notice that I was looking
at you but talking to her?

What? He was looking at you but
talking to me, wasn't he?

Wasn't I? What? So you weren't
being rude, were you?

Absolutely not, you see? Me?

Yes. But if you say shut up to
somebody,

that's the one you
want to shut up isn't it!

Well not necessarily.
- I'm sorry, were you talking to me?

Yes.
- I beg your pardon.

You see how easily these
misunderstandings occur?

Yes, I do.
- So one cheese salad, Polly.

Certainly, Mr Hutchinson.

If there's anything else,
please don't hesitate to ask.

The climax to the same scene,

where Basil finally loses
his rag with the salesman,

provides our next moment.

Oh, yes. Ah!

You get the confrontation of Bernie
Cribbins and Basil Fawlty,

which is the irresistible force
meeting the unmoveable object.

He was a bit a pain as
Basil was, basically,

and the little clash was inevitable.

I'm sorry, I do not
want the omelette.

It's nice. I don't want it,
I've sent it back once.

Yes, give it to me. Yes, I fail
to see how this can happen.

I've torn it up, you'll
never see it again.

'There's this manic moment
when everything explodes'

and he clamps his hands
over my face.

I disappeared under his armpit
at one point, I think,

and then of course you've got to
knock me out and...

certainly I had to ask him to slow
up a bit on the karate chop.

He's a big lad and he was
knocking lumps off me.

All I wanted was a cheese salad.

It wasn't as though I'd ordered
an elephant's ear on a bun!

I mean, the whole thing
is ridiculous.

I'm glad we sorted...

For a man who's supposed
to be running a hotel...

your behaviour, your
behaviour is totally...

Is there anything else that I can
get you? I can't breathe. Argh!

Cheese salad?

I can't breathe! It's all right,
he's only choking!

Don't worry. A bit of cheese
went the wrong way.

Never mind, he's fainted.

Manuel! Poor chap. Bit of cheese.

Yes, please.

It was the interplay between the two
of them, that's what I loved,

the sheer timing and the speed of it.

There's not a line wasted,

but the way they bounced
off each other was superb.

I wouldn't call it physical comedy,
I'd call it pure violence.

Would you like to go
in there and discuss it?

No, I'd prefer to come
in here and discuss it.

Oh, fine. I'm afraid
it's a bit of a mess...

'Physical comedy is one of the most
satisfying things to do, I think,

'if you get it right and I thought
we did it very well, actually.'

John's a very good recipient of a
knee in the crotch, I will say that,

although I had to lift my knee
very high. He's very tall.

Ohhh!

I'm not a violent man, Mr Fawlty.

Yes, you are! No, I'm not.

The reaction of the
audience on the night,

when he finally got the pay-off
with the custard pie, woof.

Ah, please, senor,
Mr Fawlty want to say adios.

He wants to what? Ah, ah, oh!

You think he's going to get it
in the face and smack in the crotch.

That was the one. Oh!
I can still feel it.

Papers arrived, Fawlty?

Then John takes the bag and puts
it there and squeezed it.

I never thought he
squeezed it enough,

I wanted to see it spurting out
again, but that didn't happen.

Gourmet Night at Fawlty Towers was

the first episode to get
over three million viewers.

I should never have let
you write that advert.

Fancy putting "No riff raff"!

But, predictably, all
does not go to plan,

when a combination of
drunken chefs, stalled cars

and rejected condiments
conspire against him.

The thing about Basil Fawlty is
that he doesn't care whether

the person he's having a fight
with is elderly, dead,

a hotel inspector or a tiny child,
he just doesn't care.

Is there something we can
get you instead, sonny?

I'd like some bread and salad cream.

To eat? Well, there's the bread
and there's the mayonnaise.

I said salad cream, stupid.

It's not unreasonable
to ask for salad cream,

but as it happens, the level
of pretension that Fawlty

is operating at that point is that
he's moved beyond salad cream

into the superior stuff
of mayonnaise.

May I ask why you don't have
salad cream? I mean, most...

Well, the chef usually buys it only
on special occasions, you know,

gourmet nights and so on,
but when he's got a bottle,

oh, he's a genius with it.

He can unscrew the cap like Robert
Carrier, it's a treat to watch,

and then...right on the plate.

He thinks of this boy as common
for wanting salad cream.

I'll tell him to get
some salad cream.

You never know when Henry
Kissinger's going to drop in.

Oh, sorry, sorry about that.

We always had salad cream, I think.

I was slightly offended
by that episode.

Basil hopes to restore some
decorum later in the evening,

welcoming his more
distinguished guests

for his inaugural gourmet night.

My favourite moment
on the gourmet night,

when they're all meeting
before they go in to the meal,

he's got the names wrong
and he can't deal with it,

and he's just digging himself
deeper and deeper into this pit.

There is one man who turns
up and he's Twitchen.

'The problem is there's another
person who'd come before

'who does have a twitch.'
Ah, good.

Colonel. Colonel and Mrs Hall?

May I introduce Mr and Mrs...

Have you met?
No, no, we haven't.

Have you? No. Oh, good. Well,
what would you like to drink then?

He realises at that second he can't
say what he's about to say.

If he had, Colonel Hall would have
been introduced to Mr Twitchens,

all would have been well.

No, no, we still
don't know the name.

Oh, Fawlty, Basil Fawlty.
Yes... No, no! Theirs.

Oh, theirs. I'm so sorry,
I thought you meant yours...

HE CACKLES

Warm, isn't it? I could do with
a drink too, so another sherry?

Aren't you going to introduce us?
Didn't I? No. Oh, sorry.

This is Mr and Mrs...
HE MUMBLES

What?

Mr and Mrs...

Ah!

John's falls throughout Fawlty Towers
are absolutely wonderful.

He goes down like a tree
that's been felled,

and it's his way of getting out of
having to deal with a situation.

It's absolutely hysterical.

Instead of just saying, "I've got to
leave the room," he just collapses.

With his Gourmet Night falling apart,

Basil tries to salvage the evening

by driving to a local restaurant for

supplies after his own chef
is too drunk to cook.

All the ingredients for
a classic comedy moment,

adding up to a delicious
portion of TV history.

Come on. Come on!

It's probably everyone's
favourite moment,

but it has to be Basil
beating the car up.

Cars can be a nuisance.

Start, you vicious bastard, come on!

Oh, my God! I'm warning you,
if you don't start...

I don't think it can mean
as much to young people now.

I mean, cars now all work.

20, 30, 40, 50 years ago,
cars didn't work,

and you had one chance in 50
or 30, or whatever it was,

that that morning,
the bloody thing won't start.

Right, that's it! I've had enough!

You've tried it on just
once too often! Right...

That really made me laugh a lot.
It was the way he disappeared

and they held the shot for quite a
long time,

just long enough, really, to think,
"Where the Dickens has he gone?"

Well, don't say I
haven't warned you!

I've laid it on the line to you
time and time again!

Right, well, this is it!

I'm going to give you
a damn good thrashing!

I figured, like everybody else,
I'm sure, that he was running home,

and instead he comes back on screen.

And he was obviously snapping off
a branch to whack it with.

And it's just a sort
of pathetic attempt

to sort of deal with technology,
by hitting it with a tree!

How do you top a moment like that?

Well, like this,
according to John Cleese,

as he picks the third of
his personal favourites.

I guess that the next little scene
is my personal favourite

from the point of view of
J Cleese, brackets, actor,

and it's a moment of
great hope for all of us,

when Basil discovers

that what he's got under
the lid is not duck,

but he thinks there might be
some duck there anyway.

So Uncle Ted comes in with
his crate of Brown Ale and...

SHE CACKLES

...and mother says, "Oh, Ted, look
who's here," and he says...

SHE CACKLES AGAIN

OK, Polly. OK.

Got the sauces? Got them. Right.

When someone has a moment
of utter disaster coming up,

and the more puffed up
they are before it,

the further they have to fall,
and it's terribly simple,

it's almost mechanics,
but it always works.

Ah! Ladies and gentlemen...so sorry
to have kept you waiting.

You take the top off,

realise, and then put it down again,

as though that might
somehow change things.

Well, who's for trifle?

What? Trifle for you, Mrs Hall?

What about the duck, Fawlty?

Duck's off, sorry.

I love the optimism,

the fact there's just a
chance that we might...

the fact that there
might just be a duck

hidden in this horrible
pink blancmange,

if only they looked carefully.

That's all it is, it's the...
it's the hope.

I can speak English...

After the break, more
of Basil's Best Bits,

as mein host welcomes some very
special European guests.

Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought
there was something wrong with you!

Welcome back to Basil's Best Bits,

as John Cleese picks his favourite
Fawlty Towers moments.

It's hard to believe that less
than 3.5 million people tuned in

to watch the next episode
when it went out.

It's up.

It's down again.

An incalculable number
of fans across the globe

have since revelled in this
little piece of TV history.

The episode opens with Sybil
finding herself in hospital

for an ingrowing toenail operation.

BASIL: Oh, yes, how is
the old toenail?

Still growing in, hmm? Still
burrowing its way down to the bone?

Still macheteing its way
through the nerve, eh?

Basil is left to get on with the

serious business of
running the hotel.

On the agenda, testing the fire drill,

welcoming a party of Germans

and hanging a certain
decorative hunting trophy.

How are you, sir?

You see, I speak English well.

I learn it from a book.

I liked the scene with the moose,
it's a nice sort...

It's a clumsy prop.

But it was a lovely idea for the Major

to think he's really got the DTs now.

How are you, sir?

I can speak English.

The Major can't see Manuel
but he can see the moose,

so he thinks the moose
is talking to him,

and it's just...a fantastically
funny scene.

MANUEL: It's a beautiful day today.

Is it? Oh, all right.

Yes, yes, I suppose it is.

Yes. I can speak English.

I learn it from a book.

Did you? Did you really?

It shouldn't work. It's too silly.

But the great thing about Fawlty
Towers is they know that this

is an impossible scene but they
think if they act it really well,

the audience will so want to
believe it, that they will enjoy it,

and, of course, that's the
confidence of the show.

Andy should get a medal for what
he went through in Fawlty Towers.

He was attacked, set on fire,
abused and everything.

Andrew Sachs? No, no, never damaged
him at all, never, never.

No. Health and safety
looked after him very well.

Ah!

Oh, no, no, no, no, please.

No, no, no, no. Ah!

It is quite an alarming sight,
Manuel in the kitchen catching fire.

You think,
"Well, so much for realism,

but, you know, this is
getting a bit, you know...

This is over the top.
Manuel is on fire!"

Fuego! Ah!

HE SHRIEKS

Properly rehearsed, it
shouldn't hurt at all,

and normally it didn't.

There were one or two exceptions.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

No, no! Yes!

Si! Si! No, look, will
you get back in there?

When I appear outside the kitchen
with my jacket smoking,

that smoke was created with the use
of two chemicals on each other,

and they create the smoke.

ALARM RINGS
Mr Fawlty, it's fire!

Did you hear what I said?
No, but it's fire!

Is no fire. Is only drill!

It was getting very warm,

and I thought, "This can't
be right," but I carried on.

Then it got a bit too hot, and I
said, "I've got to stop, sorry.

Can we just take my jacket off?"

Took the jacket off
and it was red raw,

acid burns I had on my shoulder.

You save me.

And that hurt.

So if you ever see that episode,

be sympathetic to my pain.

After a knock on the head and a
quick trip to the hospital,

Basil deals with a party
of European tourists.

Cue one of the most famous
scenes in sitcom history.

Entschuldigen Sie bitte,
können Sie Deutsch sprechen?

I'm sorry, could you say that
again? Do you speak German?

Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought
there was something wrong with you!

There's a lot of times in Fawlty
Towers where John Cleese,

through Basil Fawlty, will push it
further than most people would go.

Basil hit on the head can go
even further than that.

Here's the plan. I'll stand
there and ask them

if they want something
to drink before the war.

Before their lunch!
Before their lunch.

Don't mention the war!

He's trying so hard to
be the gracious host,

but his hatred of Germany
and his hatred of the Hun

is so ingrained in him that he can't.

You can see in his mind,
he's thinking,

"I must not talk about the war,"

but it's almost as if the more he
tells himself he mustn't do it,

the more he does, and it has got
some great jokes in it.

I am the owner of Fawlty Towers,
and may I welcome your war...

Your war, you all, you all, you all,

and hope that your stay
will be a happy one.

Now, would you like to eat first

or would you like a drink
before the war?

Meaning that trespassers will be
tied up with piano wire.

Sorry! Sorry!

It manages to do something
that's very, very hard to do,

because it's politically incorrect
to mention anything about the war,

and so it's a kind of Tourette thing,
whatever you shouldn't say comes out.

Listen, don't mention the war.

I mentioned it once, but I think
I got away with it.

So, it's all forgotten now and
let's hear no more about it,

so that's two egg mayonnaise,

a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering
and four Colditz salads.

There's no halfways about it,
this is very heavy,

very, very heavy rudeness
of an enormous kind,

and inescapable, that's the thing.

Sorry, I got confused 'cause everyone
keeps mentioning the war.

That's what's so wonderful
about Basil Fawlty,

he's barely under control.

He's constantly trying
to tramp it down.

Would you stop talking about
the war? Me? You started it.

We did not start it.

Yes, you did, you invaded Poland.

I guess The Germans is a pretty good
example of the sort of script

which probably wouldn't be
anything like as funny

if it weren't performed
by John Cleese,

and that's certainly true
of the goose-stepping moment.

Here, watch. Who's this then?

SCREAMS IN GERMAN

I'll do the funny walk!

SHOUTS IN GERMAN

That's the moment where he's
wonderful, because he's free

and lots of people, mentally,
that's where they want to be,

they want to just say things.

Stop it! I'm trying to cheer
her up, you stupid Kraut!

Cut through all the cleverness of the
scenario and depth of the character,

it's John Cleese doing a funny walk,
and it doesn't get better than that.

We may think that was one of
the funniest scenes ever,

but John Cleese begs to differ.

In fact, he's picked something
totally different

as his fourth best bit.

Most alarming.

Everyone will think of Basil's silly
walking or goose-stepping around,

and that's not what I've chosen
because I know that's funny,

but it's just physical humour,
which is not hard to write.

It may be good to perform,
but not hard to write.

So I'm going to choose what is the
best bit for me of that episode,

which comes before the Germans
come on the scene,

and it's called the fire drill.

ALARM RINGS

Well, what's she put that on...
Oh, I might have guessed.

Sorry, Major, only the burglar
alarm, sorry. What?

Sorry, Miss Tibbs. What?

That was the burglar alarm, fire
drill's not for a couple of minutes.

Excuse me. Burglars, Fawlty?
No, my wife left the...

Excuse me? Yes?

That wasn't the fire bell. That was
the... I thought there was a drill.

Yes, at 12 o'clock, but not yet.
But it is 12 o'clock.

Not quite. Thank you. Excuse me.
Yes? Well, I make it 12 o'clock.

I'm afraid that wasn't...

What time do you make it major?
- Burglars about, I think.

It doesn't matter what time
he makes it, it hasn't started.

What?
- It hasn't started yet.

But that was the bell, wasn't it?
No.

I do love ensemble acting, when a
whole lot of funny people are there,

because the quality
of the humour changes

depending on the person
who's actually speaking,

where the focus is, and it
gives a richness to it.

That was the burglar alarm. See?
The burglar alarm? Yes!

Are there burglars? Evidently.

No, look, it's perfectly simple!

We have the fire drill
when I ring the fire bell!

That wasn't the fire bell, right?!

How were we supposed to know that?

It doesn't sound like the fire bell!
It did.

It didn't! It did!

No, it didn't! The fire bell is a
different... It's a semitone higher!

What I loved about that particular
scene was Basil's attempt

to use logic to explain the
situation that had arisen,

which, you know, there are
a lot of coincidences in it,

and his utter failure
to get across to people.

Then you run into this
problem about fire drills,

when they announce that they
will be at a certain time.

Anyway, the fire drill
doesn't start till 12 o'clock!

It is 12 o'clock!
- Well, it is now,

but that's because we've been
standing about arguing about it.

Look! How on earth can you expect
us to tell which bell is which? Oh.

We haven't heard them yet, have we?

You want to hear them? Right,
suits me. Here's the burglar alarm:

Ought we to catch them first?
There aren't any!

Then why does the alarm keep going?
All right, got that? Right.

What's happening now?

ALARM STOPS
Now, here is the fire bell.

ALARM RINGS It's a completely
different sound, listen.

Well, where are you all going?!
Well, there is a drill, isn't there?

No, no, no, no, no, no, this is
so that you can hear the bell

so you know in a moment
when I ring the bell!

What are you doing?!
Will you come back?!

I just love the chaos that ensues,

and there's a logical tightness
to it that pleases me.

Now...
PHONE RINGS

We're having it!!

And John has some more surprises
in store after the break.

After a hiatus of nearly four years,

Fawlty Towers returned
for a second series in 1979.

Despite divorcing during the break,

writing team John Cleese and Connie
Booth delivered an even bigger hit,

with viewing figures consistently
reaching ten million and beyond.

Hot dog.

Coming up, the man behind the
show's success, John Cleese,

will be remembering his
personal favourite moments,

so keep your eye out for
more of Basil's Best Bits.

Is this a piece of your brain?

It's business as usual at the
start of the second series,

with Basil trying to prevent
Sybil finding out

that he's had a bet on a horse,

whilst a deaf and extremely fussy
old lady checks into the hotel.

LADY: I specifically asked for a sea
view in my written confirmation,

so please make sure I have it.

MANUEL: Que?

Soon, the grumpy Mrs Richards
causes havoc at Fawlty Towers.

Some of the best moments,
it becomes clear,

is when Basil meets somebody
as aggressive as him,

when he's got a really
worthy opponent,

not somebody he can browbeat.

When I book a room with a bath,
I expect to get a bath.

You've got a bath.

I'm not paying £7.20 per night,
plus VAT, for a room without a bath.

There is your bath.

You call that a bath? It's not
big enough to drown a mouse.

It's disgraceful.

I wish you were a mouse.

For once, we're on Basil's side
she's a horrible old trout,

and we really enjoy his sarcasm, and
no-one does sarcasm like John Cleese.

I asked for a room with a view.

Deaf, mad and blind.

This is the view, as far
as I can remember, madam.

Yes, yes, this is it.

When I pay for a view,

I expect something more
interesting than that.

That is Torquay, madam.
It's not good enough.

Of course, this triggers
the great speech by Fawlty.

This is almost, monologue-wise,
this is "to be or not to be".

Well, may I ask what you were

expecting to see out of a
Torquay hotel bedroom window?

Sydney Opera House, perhaps?

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?

Herds of wildebeest sweeping
majestically... Don't be silly.

I expect to be able to see the sea.

You can see the sea. It's over
there, between the land and the sky.

I need a telescope to see that.

Well, may I suggest you consider
moving to a hotel closer to the sea?

Or preferably in it.

Things get worse for Basil when

Sybil nearly finds out that
he's won money on a horse.

Cue some quick
thinking by the staff.

Polly is really a sympathetic character

because she is the voice of sanity,

the still calm around which
the madness happens,

and yet she does try to get
Basil out of holes!

The money in the office?

You were counting it.
Did someone hand it in?

Oh, no. No, it's mine.

Yours?

I won it.

Sybil then asks Polly what
the name of the horse was

and Polly doesn't know because
she's not put the bet on,

so there's then the scene
where Basil has to

kind of mime the name
of the horse to Polly

while Sybil isn't looking,

and gets it completely...

It's like a big game
of charades really.

The name? Oh... I've gone blank.

Birdbrain. No, no, no,
that came in third.

CONNIE BOOTH: Polly almost loses it,
because she's not getting it,

she wants to rescue Basil,
and she's reaching for something,

so we see her as slightly tentative,
and she may lose it.

Fishwife.
What?

No. No, not... Small...

Fly. Fly!

You know Sybil sort of knows that
Fawlty's there and he's doing it,

and for some reason
Sybil doesn't turn round,

she doesn't want to confront the
fact that her husband is lying,

so she's going to actually drive
this game of mime to its conclusion.

Flying Tart.

No! No, no,

it got off to a flying start,
and its name...was Dragonfly.

Thank you, Polly.

We have a sure-fire
winner for you now.

Yes it's the fifth of Basil's Ten
Best Bits, the moments picked

by John Cleese as his
personal favourites.

It's funny because
people are fond of Basil,

who really is in fact of course
an absolutely horrible creature.

If you had to spend five minutes
sitting next to Basil at dinner,

you would hate him, but he makes
us laugh, so we forgive him,

and here he is at his most hateful,

taking advantage of a woman
with hearing problems.

Mrs Richards, how very nice to see
you! Are you enjoying your stay?!

There's no need to shout.
I have my hearing aid on.

Oh. Mrs Richards, I've explained
to my husband...

I've just been up to my room.

£85 has been taken from my bag,

which I had hidden
under the mattress.

Oh, yes?
It's a disgrace.

I haven't been here a day.
What sort of staff do you employ?

Mrs Richards... If you knew
anything about running a hotel,

this sort of thing wouldn't happen.
Well, what have you got to say?

HE MIMES SPEECH

What?

HE CONTINUES TO MIME

(Basil!)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I haven't got it turned up enough.

Basil!

I SAID...

Oh, oh, my head, my head.

Has it come away?

People love that scene, and
it is extraordinarily savage

to take advantage of someone's
handicap in that way.

Did you bang your head?
Yes, yes.

But you can do it because Mrs
Richards comes over as so unpleasant

and so bossy and unsympathetic,

it's OK, but you have
to establish that first,

then it's all right
to have a go at her.

My money's been taken.
Yes, yes, I know, try not to speak.

Is this a piece of your brain?

Is this a piece of your brain?

Right, OK, great gag.

So we're doing this in rehearsals

and I noticed that he
didn't do that gag.

He didn't pick it out.
They'd decided not to do it,

and I said to him afterwards,
I said, "Why did you lose that?"

and he said, "Well, we
didn't like it very much."

I said, "You're mad,
you've got to do it,"

and he actually put it back. It's my
one contribution to rescuing the script.

At the end of the episode,

a mix-up with some money gives
Basil another taste of victory.

But can it last?

When he thinks he's won,
when he thinks, once,

for once, the fates are
kind to Basil Fawlty,

the glee, it's so profound.

I'm £10 up on the deal. £10 up?

Yes, yes, it's 95. Even if I
give her ten, I'm still ten up.

Polly, for the first time in
my life, I'm ahead, I'm winning!

HE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY

Could it be that, as ludicrous
as these situations are,

just once in a while Basil makes
a couple of quid on the side?

No, of course not.

What's that?

This is mine.

What's that, Basil?

HE YELPS

It's mine. What?

It's the money I won on the horse.

Oh, that's right, dear, Polly asked
me to put it in the safe for her.

So that's all sorted out.

This is your money, Polly.

This is your beautiful
vase mrs. Richards..

Fawlty, you did give me that money.

You won it on that horse.

Ah! Ah!

SMASHING

That cost £75.

I remember doing the maths on this
and I think he's still ten quid up.

Not that I was an obsessive
schoolboy or anything,

but I think I worked out
that he was actually still up,

not as much as he was,
but ten quid, that's a lot,

nearly £1,000 in today's money.

Basil's a lot happier
in the next episode,

when he finds out that a couple
checking in are doctors.

You're two doctors? Yes.

Well, how did you become
two doctors? Hmm?

I mean, did you take the exam twice?

When one of them turns out
to be a psychiatrist,

Basil becomes paranoid.

The question,
"How often do you manage it?"

in the world of British comedy

and indeed possibly
in Britain in general

it will always be understood
as to be the word "it"

always refers to sex. That's
just a convention of British life.

So somehow the fact that they were
talking about being in Torquay

for a weekend and where
do you go for your holiday,

holiday sex, it worked
out very nicely.

If you would just sign that.
Thank you so much.

Yes. We were just speculating
how people in your profession

arrange their holidays,
how often you can get away.

Hmm? How often do you manage it?

Beg your pardon?

How often can you and
your wife manage it?

We're talking about, "Do you
get away often for holidays?""

then he thinks we're talking
about sex and, you know,

the vision of the two of them having
sex is quite a nerve-racking idea.

About average, since you ask.
Average?

Well, you tell me.

Well, a couple of times a year?

What?

I think probably they do
do it, from time to time,

and they don't discuss it
too much.

Well, we knew it must be difficult.

My wife didn't see how you
could manage it at all, you know.

Well, as you've asked, two or
three times a week, actually.

A week?
Yes, pretty normal, isn't it?

We're quite normal down here
in Torquay, you know.

The best gag in the
psychiatrist episode

is where the busty woman arrives
and she's really fit,

wearing a tight green T-shirt.

Here we are, this is your room.
I hope it's to your liking.

View of the English Riviera
down there behind the trees.

This is your bathroom, here we are.

Oh, light's not working.
I'll just fix it.

John Cleese has to fix the bulb in
the bathroom and the light switch

wants to do her stretches
on that particular wall.

Is there a restaurant near here?

There's an awfully good
little Welsh place,

Leek House, about
five minutes walk.

You'd have to go straight away.
Oh, that'll do fine.

Just turn left out of the gate and
straight on, and it's on your right.

And he always has to explain.

"You don't understand,
this is not what it seems."

I didn't know she was there,
I was trying the switch.

It's pathetic, Basil. Look, Sybil, I
was reaching round for the switch.

Don't bother.

The lights weren't working
in the bathroom,

so I went in, checked
the fitting, which was loose.

I've read about it Basil, the
male menopause it's called.

Oh, and one word of advice,
if you're going to grope a girl,

have the gallantry to stay in the room
with her while you're doing it, hmm?

Later in the episode, a suspicious Basil
becomes obsessed with finding the girl

that a leather-trousered Lothario
has sneaked into his bedroom.

You are aware of our rule
about visitors, are you?

Hmm? No visitors in guests'
rooms after ten o'clock.

Oh. Of the opposite...sex.

No, I wasn't. Ah. But I am now.

So you'll send up the champagne,
will you? What?

'There's this long haired bloke'

wearing a yellow
chamois leather shirt,

and tight brown leather trousers

and a medallion,

which I'm ashamed to say
all belonged to me.

Very well,

one bottle of champagne for one.

Thank you. And one glass.

That's all I'll need,
unless you'd care to join me?

No, thank you, not while I'm on the job.
That's when I enjoy it the most.

Mr Johnson is obviously
sexually successful

and he knows he's hidden
a girl in his room.

He then becomes completely paranoid
because he can't find this girl.

This wall, we had some
complaints from downstairs,

so I'm just giving it a check.

OK, yes, I think that's fine.

No, no, we're all right.

Fine, well, sorry to disturb you.
Goodnight.

Goodnight. Goodnight. Night.

He doesn't care at all
about the privacy of his guests.

That's the amazing thing about
Basil Fawlty, that as a hotelier,

the guests are an
irritation, basically,

and he goes in and out of all their
rooms, tapping, he's tapping on doors.

Can I help you?

The bathroom.
Yes, second on the left.

And it's just wonderful because
it's so Basil, it's so pernickety

and detailed and so completely
pointless and senseless as well.

I just came in to check the walls.
Do you mind? Sorry.

And one of the wonderful moments
that the public remember

is when he climbs up a ladder
to look through the window

of what he thinks is a
couple doing naughty things,

which they didn't do in those days.

Mr Cleese didn't choose any of these.

His next best bit is this subtle
scene from the same episode.

Another favourite moment of mine

is in the episode that Connie and
I wrote about the psychiatrist

being in the hotel and
this very, very sexy girl,

because of course Basil
has all the disapproval

'of any sexual activity

'that anyone who's not getting
enough sex always shares.'

Very nice.

In this particular episode,

Basil gets caught in really
quite innocent circumstances

as he goes to apologise to the
very attractive Australian girl

for something that
happened earlier.

Excuse me, I do apologise but I'm
afraid I shall have to ask you to...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Sorry to bother you,
I thought I'd better apologise

for my husband's behaviour.

No, please, really, Mrs Fawlty.

He's going through rather
a disturbed time at the moment.

No please look, I don't
quite understand.

He does seem a bit worked
up about something

but I'm sure there's an
innocent explanation.

'I love the shot of the
finger round the door.'

You don't really see it
at the beginning.

It's just that that's the
elephant in the room

as far as the audience
is concerned.

Are they going to notice it?
Are they not going to notice it?

Because he could have
got away with it, you know.

If Sybil had gone out, she'd
gone back in the bathroom,

he could have been out of there.

You know, it was just was
the finger going to be seen?

Basil.

Hello, dear, just
checking the doors.

All right, what's going on?

I was in the bathroom.

Yes, she was, dear, so I popped in

to have a look at these hinges,
the ones we've been...

Do you really imagine
even in your wildest dreams

that a girl like this could possibly

be interested in an ageing
brilliantine stick insect like you?

A girl like who, dear?

This one, Basil, the one you've
been chasing ever since she arrived.

When he was younger, I think he was
probably a little bit of a lad

and then I think the
relationship with Sybil

probably after a reasonable
start, went a bit south.

And I suspect there
hasn't been too much

carnal knowledge involved in
that relationship for some time

and I think at that point people
get very embarrassed about it,

because not only do you
have Basil's natural

embarrassment as lower middle
class English, but of course

he can't show a sexual
interest in anyone.

because he's terified of
the way Sybil will react.

What are you doing in there?

You know the trouble we've been
having with these hinges.

All right, I came in to apologise for
the incident just now, when I thought

she was the girl in Johnson's room, you
remember when I put my hand on the...

Any kind of sexuality is out of bounds,
which is why he's so punitive

towards anyone else who looks

as though they might be
having an enjoyable time.

Six down, four more of Basil's Best
Bits to go. Join us after the break.

Basil, there's a kipper
sticking out of your jumper.

Now a huge success with viewers and
critics alike, John and Connie added

a brand-new face to the regular cast
for the second series -

cheeky chef Terry,
played by Brian Hall.

Terry, this kitchen is filthy.

Filthy Towers, eh?

Tonight, for the first time,

John Cleese is sharing his all-time
favourite Fawlty moments.

We've discovered six so far,
the rest are soon to be revealed.

Oink, oink.

In the third episode,

an irascible American checks
in late and demands a meal.

What the hell's wrong
with this country?

You can't get a drink after three,

you can't eat after nine,
is the war still on?

But Terry the chef refuses
to work after nine o'clock,

leaving Basil to take on
kitchen duties himself.

Anybody who's been to America knows

that there they have
a service culture,

that the notion is

if you have a job, you do that job
to the best of your ability.

It's widely acknowledged

that is not the same culture
that we have in this country.

Are you telling me that you can't
stay open a few minutes longer

so that we can eat properly?

Well, we can do you sandwiches.
Ham? Cheese?

We want something hot. Toasted
sandwiches? You're joking!

He says he wants some food,

he pays Basil money, you know,
"Get me some food",

then he asks for something
not terribly complicated.

Could you make me a Waldorf salad?

Oh, a...? Waldorf salad.

Well, I think
we're just out of Waldorfs.

He asks for a Waldorf salad.

Basil has absolutely no idea
what a Waldorf salad is.

It's just walnuts, isn't it?
Fantastic, it's a lovely salad.

It's apples, walnuts,
grapes, mayonnaise, celery.

What the hell's going on here?

It says hotel outside,
now is this a hotel or isn't it?

Well, within reason.
You know something, fella?

If this was back in the States,
I wouldn't board my dog here.

Fussy, is he? Poodle?

Poodle?

I'm not getting through to you, am I?

He was a no-nonsense man

and so for him to go after Basil
in the way he did was...

and Basil takes it, doesn't he?

And that leads us neatly into
number seven of Basil's Best Bits,

as lovingly picked by John Cleese.

This particular moment occurs after
the American has given Basil £20

to keep the chef on because they

arrived a little late and the
chef was about to leave,

but Basil was unable to
do a deal with Terry.

So in fact Basil has to pretend
that Terry is in the kitchen,

when in fact he isn't

and just before he emerges,
he's been hit on the head,

which explains the hat.

Thank you. Incidentally,

I've been talking to chef and
we've sorted out what happened.

Apparently, he thought
he'd already got...

That's very nice, thank you.

Thank you. ...got two orders
for Waldorf salad, you see,

and in fact he had
the ingredients but...

No, that's fine, doesn't matter.

...he didn't realise he didn't
have enough for the second one...

Look, don't let it bother you.
Anyway, this will explain everything.

What's that?

A letter. A letter.
A letter from the chef.

It explains everything.
A letter from the chef?

Yes. He wanted to
apologise personally

but I didn't want him wasting
your time so I thought...

Just forget about it, will you?
I'll read it for you. I want my steak.

Oh, won't be a moment. "Dear Mr and
Mrs Hamilton, I hope you are well.

"This is just a brief note to say
that I take full responsibility

for the dreadful mess-ups tonight.

If I'd only listened to Mr Fawlty,
none of this fiasco would have occurred.

I'd just like to tell you that

such a cock-up has never
occurred in my career before

and that now everything
has been sorted out,

I'll be back to my very best form.
Signed, Ter..."

He's stuck in this ridiculous position
where everything's going wrong

and of course he hates
to take the blame himself,

so he has to blame a person
who isn't even there

and I think that is a very,

very, very funny moment, when
he's shouting at the pretend Terry

and playing Terry's voice as well.

I've had just about enough of this.

Harry. How could you forget about it?

"I was making another Waldorf..."
Making another Waldorf salad?

What are you making another
Waldorf salad for?

"Careful, Mr Fawlty."

What do you think Mr and Mrs
Hamilton would think?

Mr Hamilton,
may I introduce Terry, who...

Where did he go?

Where's he gone, did you see him?

Maybe he went to get
something to eat.

"Where did he go?"

That's what I love about Basil.

His excuses are terrible.

They're not going to fool anyone,
but at least they're quick.

Come on, honey. What is it, Harry?

We're leaving.
Well, what's happened?

Eventually, the American
has enough and leaves,

threatening to take the rest
of the guests with him.

Because this complaint flares up with
the American, they then calls to mind,

yes actually, there are quite a lot
of things wrong with this hotel

and with the proprietor in general,
and they start voicing it.

Of course, if this little
hotel is not to your taste,

then you are free to say so,
that is your privilege

and I shall of course
refund your money,

I know how important it
is to you Americans.

But you must remember
that here in Britain

there are things that we value more,

things that perhaps in America
you've rather forgotten about

but which to we British
are far, far more important.

I'm not satisfied. The... what?

I'm not satisfied.
No, we're not satisfied.

Well, people like you
never are, are you? What? What?

One of my favourite bits
is the moment

where Basil sort of reaches
the nadir of hotel keeping

when he orders all the guests
out of his hotel.

You ponce in here, expecting
to be waited on hand and foot.

Well, I'm trying to
run a hotel here.

Have you any idea of how much there
is to do? Do you ever think of that?

And it's this fact that
he cannot see the connection

between waiting on people
hand and foot and running a hotel.

Well, I've had 15 years
of pandering to the likes of you

and I've had enough! I've had it!

Come on, pack your bags and get out.
They're packed.

Order ten taxis, will you, I'll pay
for them. Come on, come on.

What? What? Out, everybody out, come on,
upstairs, pack your bags. Adios! Out!

The stakes are raised
in the next episode,

when a sickly guest checks out
during the night, permanently.

He's dead. Dead? Who?

Number eight.

Leeman? But Basil just
took him his breakfast.

This presents a problem for Basil,

who thinks his out-of-date kippers
may have been responsible.

It's always a test of comedy
how far you're prepared to go.

Well, having someone die
in the hotel, bit risky?

No, handle it easily,
but having the man die

and then served breakfast, that gives
it, of course, a tremendous power.

But I'd le... What are you doing?
What are you doing?

I told her, I told her!
I could get 20 years for this.

What? The kippers,
the kippers, oh, my God.

Mr Fawlty, he's been dead for hours.

Mr. Fawlty, he's cold,
he's been dead for hours,

he must have died in his sleep.

The moment I love in this is this
coincidence where Fawlty finds out

there was nothing wrong with the
kipper and says, "Oh, joy, joy",

just as the doctor comes in
to see the dead guest.

He's stone cold. Yes.

Oh, joy.

Oh, thank you, God.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?
I'm so happy. Hooray.

May I ask who...

Bit stuffy, isn't it?
I'll open a window.

The doctor is there,
there's a dead body there,

there's a madman
at the window, Basil,

and it's all going on

and you can't imagine anybody

than Geoffrey, that face trying to
glean exactly what is going on.

Well, who brought the breakfast?
Who found him?

Oh. I brought the breakfast.

What's that? That's a bit of it.

A bit of what?

A bit of the breakfast.

I think my favourite moment
from the episode is the kipper...

...sticking out here
and what goes with it.

What are you looking at me
like that for?

Basil, there's a kipper
sticking out of your jumper.

Ah, there is it.
I've been looking for that.

That's the other one.

Having dealt with the kippers,
Basil's next challenge

is to work out where to put
a dead body in a fully booked hotel.

Not only do you think,
"Oh, yes, that would be awful

"for Basil, for that to happen to him",

but you think, "Yes, well, that
must happen a lot in hotels".

Good morning, Manuel.
Oh, good morning. Oh!

You dropped this. Oh, it's all right,
leave it, no, leave it, it's heavy.

Oh, no, it's quite all right.
We can manage.

Oh, it's no bother.
No, no, leave it alone.

I know, if I just fold them
like this. Yes, go away.

Move, Manuel, move, move, move.

Carrying a dead body around
is a horrible thing in his pyjamas.

And Miss Tibbs is bound to see him,
you know, they're trying to cover

him up with linen and stuff and,

you know, there's a dead body
and she's nearest to death

out of all the characters,
so I'd imagine it's worse for her.

I'll do it, Miss Tibbs.
No, it's all right.

Ah! He's dead!

Oh, my God.
It's all right, Miss Tibbs.

Shut up, shut up! Oh, my God.

Slap her. Slap her. Slap her. What?

She's hysterical, slap her.
Murder! Slap her. Murder!

Slap her!

The audience, they did gasp
a little bit, didn't they?

That's true.

Yes, yes, I guess they did,
because she's so tiny,

but it had to be done.

Oh, spiffing. Absolutely spiffing.

Well done. Two dead, 25 to go.

It's a wonderfully choreographed,
increasingly desperate search for

somewhere to dump this damn body.

Right, in there. In there.

Oh, oh, my God. Oh, sorry, sorry,
coming in like that. Sorry.

The blow-up doll and
then in the kitchen

and, I mean, it's
wonderful, wonderful stuff.

Hello, Sybil, how are you?

Coming up, John Cleese
picks Basil's very best bit.

Any ideas what that could be?

I don't know how to answer that.
I don't know what John would pick.

Would he choose something which
shows his great technical skill,

or will he choose a moment which
was just carefully written

by him and Connie Booth?

I'm going to guess it's
the conversation with the Major

where he's in the bar with a gun.

Do you need any help, Major?
Don't move.

I know nothing. No, no, no, no, no.

Nothing. Now a huge success
with viewers and critics alike,

the filming of the second
series of Fawlty Towers

was disrupted by the
industrial disputes of 1979.

And fans had to wait
for the last two episodes,

which were delayed for a week
and a whole six months respectively.

Do you mind?

Que?

In the first of these delayed
episodes, Basil has arranged

a surprise party for Sybil,

but he's pretending
he's forgotten what day it is.

17th April, well, well, well.

Does that stir any memories
in you, Basil? Agincourt?

Sybil storms off, upset, so
Basil tells the party goers

the ingenious excuse
that she is sick in bed.

The surprise party for Sybil

is another moment when it's, like,
heart-wrenching, really, and you

feel so awful for Basil
the moment he realises

that he's overstepped the mark
and he's actually convinced

Sybil that he doesn't know
it's their wedding anniversary.

Mrs Fawlty, she go.

What?
She leave, she leave, she go out.

What?

Sybil!

Oh, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, no, no,
no, no! I remembered, Sybil.

This is Fawlty going beyond despair.

He's already in despair, he's
always in despair and then actually

the physical act of despair,
which is such a Cleese thing

to act it out so dramatically

but also in a very credible way, and
then of course the guests arrive.

Everything all right?

Bit of a bump, just smoothing it out.

In Fawlty Towers, there's
almost always a witness.

I mean, there's no humiliation
unless someone sees it.

As Sybil's friends arrive to
celebrate the happy occasion,

Basil panics. Panics and lies.

Thank you, thank you, yes.
She's not well. Hmm? Sybil.

Not well? - She's in bed.
That's not like Sybil.

And she's lost her voice.

We were their saddo friends.

I mean, really, did they
have any friends? Really?

Probably Sybil's character does,
so we were acting dregs,

they'd rustled together
for this anniversary.

Where is Sybil?
She's in bed. Oh, dear.

Yes, she's not well, she really
mustn't see anybody. Now...

What, not at all? No. Can't we
just put our heads round the corner?

No, I'm afraid not. She
mustn't have any excitement.

Oh, Basil.
What do you mean, "Oh, Basil"?

Well, we are her oldest friends, old
man, I mean it can only do her good,

and we have come over
here to see you both.

Well, I'm sorry if
you've been put out.

You'll have some drinks,
see your old friends,

have some laughs, but
if that isn't good enough,

I'll refund your petrol for you.

Why? Why can't he say
"She went out, she's not here,

she's, you know, coming"?
I mean, it's just like...

He gets himself into these
incredible situations.

Where are you going?
I'm going to see her.

Basil, there is something
very peculiar about all this.

I'm not standing here
while an old friend like Sybil...

Look, look, it's perfectly Sybil.
Simple's not well.

She's lost her throat
and her voice hurt.

The doctor came and said it was
a bit serious, not a lot, a bit.

He went away, she started
to puff up, he's coming back

later this afternoon and it's
best for her to be on her own.

Now, what is so peculiar about that?

The episode's stand-out moment,
or should that be lie-down moment,

is the eighth of John Cleese's
personal favourite bits.

This is the scene where the guests
have finally insisted on seeing Sybil,

so he's got Polly in
bed dressed as Sybil

and in the middle of it
something disastrous happens.

Sorry you're not well. Such a shame.

So we thought we'd come and wish you
happy anniversary. Yes, happy an...

Oh! What's the matter?

Reg has fallen over. Are you
all right, Reg? Done my ankle.

Oh, dear. You all right, Reg?
Careful!

I think it was bold to start
that scene almost in darkness

but I think it was
because I started in radio

and I know that there are
certain things that are funny,

certain sounds that are funny.

And for example the
sound of somebody

kicking a metal wastepaper
basket is just funny.

CLANGING

Ah! Who's that? Me. It's Kitty.

Where are you, dear? Can't we
have some light in here, Basil?

Here we are.

OK? If we have the lights on,
we can see the screen.

Oh, dear. Are you all right, Kitty?

I think so. Oh!

You shouldn't have gone
to all this trouble, Baz.

Well, come on, come on up here.
OK, you both all right?

Come on, come on round there, OK?
You can see her from there.

There, everything all right, dear?
Here she is. Hello, Sybil.

Oh, yes, looks...

There's something there,
I can see her moving.

It's a bit dark, Basil. Yes,
well, her eyes are very sensitive.

She's got her glasses. Yes, well,
I'll just draw the curtains.

Yes, I know they are, dear.

It's all right, trust me,
trust me, dear, trust me.

There we are. Ah!

Is that better? Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.

When I watched it again,
I was astonished that

at a couple of moments, Connie
actually did look like Pru.

I couldn't quite believe that it
was true, but there's one particular

shot when she could almost pass for
her and I like the sheer absurdity

of Polly, who really does
not want to do this,

and is just trying "Mmm,
mmm", to say "No, no".

We brought you a cake. Oh, yes, here.

Have a little bit dear. Oh, oh,
have a little bit, yes, go on.

Mmm, mmm.
Oh, yes. Well, 15 years, eh?

And then that terrible moment
when Basil looks down

and the car comes back and
the whole thing collapses.

15 years, eh?

Aaah! What is it? What is it?

I just remembered something downstairs.
You stay here, have a chat with Polly.

Sybil, Sybil. Shan't be a moment.

And you've forgotten, I think,
that Sybil could come back.

The final episode of Fawlty Towers
features a health inspector

who's less than satisfied
with the service.

The only gourmets you'll find
scavenging in this kitchen

will be kamikaze ones.

Thought we was in trouble
there for a minute.

Basil sets about rectifying
the situation, but is thwarted

by Manuel, who appears to have been
keeping his own guest at the hotel.

It was the first scene that
we ever got an insight into

background of Manuel and his tastes
and likes, which was rather sweet,

an escape from being
harangued by Basil.

# She may be the thing
I can't forget

# The pleasure or the price
I got to pay

# She may be the...#

Manuel, I'm sorry, this is
an emergency, important, si?

The health inspector's just been,
things wrong with hotel.

It was nice to see him and I like
the idea of the dressing gown,

very Noel Coward in a way, wasn't it?

Now, Manuel, go up to the roof.

The roof, si. Yes. No, no, come,
I haven't told you yet.

Manuel is there to be loved. I mean,
he is the classic little bloke

who'se being put upon

and doesn't even understand
why most of the time.

Two dead pigeons, water tank.

What is funny?

How they get up there?
How they? They flew up there.

That's right.

Oink, oink, oink.
Stop it. Just...

Not pigs, pigeons.

Que?

Pigeon, pigeon. Like your English!

We knew that we needed a rat,
but to have a rat arrive

when the inspector arrived
would be too contrived,

so I thought "Well, Manuel
might have a pet rat

that was sold to
him as a hamster".

What is that?

Is my hamster. Pigeon.

A hamster?
Si, si. No, no, no, pigeon.

Manuel, it's a rat.
Pigeon.

It's a rat.
No, no, no, is hamster.

Well, of course it's a rat.
You have rats in Spain, don't you?

Or did Franco have them all shot?

Is hamster.
It's a rat.

Well, I think so too.
What?

I say to man in shop, "Is rat."

He say "No, no, no, is a
special kind of hamster,

is filigree Siberian hamster,
the only one in shop."

He make special price,
only five pound.

Have you ever heard of the
bubonic plague, Manuel?

It was very popular here at one time.

A lot of pedigree hamsters came over
on ships from Siberia. What you do?

I'm sorry Manuel, this is a rat.

No, is hamster. Is not hamster.
Hamsters are small and cuddly.

Cuddle this, you'd never
play the guitar again.

Stay where you are, old chap.

Needless to say, the rat
later escapes. Don't move.

Luckily, there's a professional on hand.

Basil Fawlty realises
that he's seen the Major

with a gun through the corner of his
eye, through his peripheral vision.

'There's something about the Major,
everyone loves the Major.'

It's like of course he's had

this double barrelled shotgun
in his room the whole time.

He lives at Fawlty Towers.

Don't move.

Vermin.

Obviously, he's leading this quite
bizarre sheltered life now but he has

seen some action and he's going to
get a chance now to shoot something.

And the fact that Basil thinks
it's Germans rather than vermin

obviously is a wee extra layer of
comedy and xenophobia to play with.

We haven't got any this week, Major.

Hmm? No Germans staying
this week, Major. May I...

Going to shoot him, Fawlty.

Yes, Major... Hmm?

Not legal actually any more. Murder.
But they're animals, Fawlty.

Oh, yes, yes, still, forgive and
forget, eh? Well, pretend we do.

Eh? But they spread disease, Fawlty.

He was sitting there on that table,
eating the nuts, if you please.

He's really gone this time.
About that size. That with the tail.

The resultant frantic hunt
for the rat provides us with

Basil's penultimate best bit.

I've chosen this next scene

because it's not only probably my
favourite episode, Basil the Rat,

but it's the only scene
that I can remember

where Brian Hall as Terry and
Polly and Manuel and Basil

are in the same scene together

without anyone else getting in
the way of their brilliant acting.

And I do think it's
rather well done.

Basil? Treaties. Basil.

Yes? Here I am.

Oh.
Ah, that's for me, is it? Thank you.

The rat is loose and what
could be worse when you have

a health inspector than to
have a rat running around?

Shall I get you some more? There's
plenty... He's called Basil, is he?

Don't play dumb with me, I trusted
you, you're responsible for this.

"Oh, I've got a friend who'll
look after him, Mr Fawlty".

Come on. Come on out, come on.
Basil's here.

Have you got him?

He's under there.

Right, I'll get him.

Cleaning behind the fridge?

You've got a lot on your mind,
we didn't want to worry you.

What do you mean? A public health
inspector coming after a 24-hour warning

and a rat loose in the hotel,
is that what you mean?

He must have escaped,
Mr Fawlty, and come back. Come back?

They home.

Oh, I see, he's a homing rat, is he?

Oh, yes, rats are amazing creatures,
Mr Fawlty. I read about one once.

His owner had gone down to Penzance.

I read about that. When the chef got
filleted with his own carving knife?

No, honest. Scout's honour.

We'll find him, Mr Fawlty.

Well, if you could, that would be lovely,
before they close us down, super.

Let's have a little
Basil hunt, shall we?

Then we'll deal with
the sackings later.

I'll do the cellar. I'll do this floor.
Manuel, you check your room.

Start in the bar, it was there two
minutes ago. I'll do the kitchen.

There's just something about
the interplay between us

that I watch with great pleasure.

We're all doing it well and
timing well off each other

and the ensemble effect gives
me great satisfaction.

And it's in the same setting

that our fugitive furry friend
takes refuge with the guests.

Manuel finds the rat under the table

and he obviously gets really
involved in this woman's legs

and she's got the posh boyfriend.

Do you mind?

Que?

We'll have one Windsor soup
and one pate, please.

One Windsor soup...

Shhh!

I was very young and I have to say
I was a bit wary when the box came

and the rat was let out, because
they look much bigger in real life.

But because it's a rat and the legs,

and people kept saying,
"Were they your legs?"

I said "Well, of course, you're not going
to film somebody else's legs, are you?"

For God's sake, I didn't
have much to say,

the least I could do
was give my legs.

I'm so sorry, what were you saying?

The waiter wasn't listening
when I was giving him our order.

He seemed more interested
in my fiancee's legs.

Yes, I don't think so. In fact, I think
there's a bread roll down there.

May I give my order?
Oh, please, of course.

We'd like one Windsor soup
and one pate and then I...

As a young starting off
actress, wasn't, you know,

that aware, just thought
"What a lovely job"

and "This is going to be successful,
I can't wait to see this,"

and "There'll be more of them".
You know, you didn't realise that,

not sounding precious but,

you know, you were going
to be a very small part of

television history, really, which
is what Fawlty Towers has become.

Which brings us to the last
chapter in this TV history,

the moment we've all
been waiting for.

The very best of Basil's Best Bits.

We asked John Cleese
to revisit Fawlty Towers

to choose his ten
favourite moments.

We've seen him pick out nine
that he looks back at with fondness

and still tickle his fancy, which means
that there's just one left to reveal.

And this just happens to be
his favourite one of them all.

If someone stood me against the wall

and said they were going to shoot me

if I didn't say what was my
absolutely favourite moment,

I would actually say the moment

when the rat is revealed
in the biscuit tin.

And if you watch what's going on at
the back, you see exactly how the tin

is moved around in such
a way it can be presented

reasonably to the health inspector
right at the crucial moment.

Waiter.

One momentito.

Si?

Some cheese and biscuits
and a coffee, please.

Anything to follow? I've ordered
some cheese and a coffee. Certainly.

Coffee, please, Sybil.

There we are, Mr Carnegie.

Polly, would you get the biscuits,
please? Here they are, Fawlty. Oh.

Cheddar? Danish Blue? Edam?
A little Danish Blue, please.

Certainly.

Edam?
No, thank you.

Biscuits?

What I love about it was
that the props department

did give us the best
possible rat and I actually

had it afterwards and I had it for
years, I don't know where it is now.

And there was a screw going
down through the rat's body

to the bottom of the box and Connie
was actually turning the rat's head

by manoeuvring the screw like that.

Which is how it could actually look at
the inspector in the way that it did.

Would you care for rat, or...?

Just the biscuits then,
please, Polly.

I think the fact that the
inspector just looks at it,

and some moment of
suspension of belief.

Black or white?
Hmm?

Black or white?

Black, please. Was that a...

There we are.
Here are the biscuits.

Cream crackers, digestives, Ryvita.

When they then put the lid back on
and then the rat's gone, he opens it

up again and he looks and the rat
isn't there, and he did imagine it.

I think that's a great moment

and there's no other moment quite
like that, I think, in Fawlty Towers.

I'm afraid it's started
to rain again.

Those are my favourite moments and now
I've had a chance to watch them again,

I agree, they're not very good.

It's a bit of a
disappointment, really.

Shouldn't have done the programme.

Still, in this recession,
we all need money.

I hope you'll forgive me.