All language subtitles for Desperate.Housewives.S05E08.1080p.WEB-DL.DD+.5.1.x264-TrollHD_track3_[und]

PREVIOUSLY ON...

I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE HAVING SEX
WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND'S MOTHER?

AN AFFAIR WAS REVEALED.
YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME

THAT YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING
TO HER PSYCHO HUSBAND.

A GOOD TIME WAS BROUGHT
TO AN END.
BACK OFF!

WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE TALKING TO?
WE'RE DONE HERE. GOOD-BYE.

AND A MAN'S PAST
WAS UNCOVERED.
LOOK, WE'RE JUST TRYING
TO GET SOME INFO ON THIS GUY.

HE JUST MOVED TO FAIRVIEW,

AND HE'S REALLY CREEPING
PEOPLE OUT.
YOU'RE IN FAIRVIEW?

YEAH, WHY? DOES THAT
MEAN SOMETHING TO YA?

(Mary Alice) ONCE A YEAR,

THE OWNER
OF THE WHITE HORSE BAR

WOULD HOST A COMPETITION KNOWN
AS THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS.

GIVE IT UP FOR COLD SPLASH.

(cheering)

(playing "In a Cave")

AND YOUNG MUSICIANS
WOULD COME...

WITH THEIR DRUMS...

AND GUITARS...

AND DREAMS OF STARDOM.

THIS YEAR,
THOSE YOUNG MUSICIANS

WERE JOINED BY A GROUP
OF MIDDLE-AGED MEN

WHO CAME
WITH THEIR STIFF JOINTS...

AND HIGH CHOLESTEROL...

AND DREAMS
OF BEING YOUNG AGAIN,

IF ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT.

♪ WRINKLES LEAVE MY SKIN ♪

GOD, LOOK AT THOSE GUYS.
THEY'RE SO YOUNG.

NO WONDER THEY WENT FIRST.
THEY PROBABLY HAVE HOMEWORK.

WOULD YOU GUYS RELAX?

ROCK 'N' ROLL'S
NOT JUST FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.

WHY ARE THEY SO LOUD?

NOT HELPING, CARLOS.

THEY'RE REALLY GOOD,

AND WE'RE REALLY OLD ENOUGH
TO BE THEIR FATHERS.

OKAY, WE MAY LOOK A LITTLE OLD
UP THERE,

AND WE MAY HIT A FEW CLAMS,
BUT WHO CARES?

WE'RE HERE TO HAVE FUN.
YEAH, TONIGHT WE'RE NOT
THE PLUMBER AND A MASSEUR

AND A GUY THAT MAKES PIZZAS.
WE'RE A ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND.

RIGHT, DAVE?

ABSOLUTELY. LOOK, I'VE GOTTA
CHECK WITH THE GUY

ABOUT THE LIGHT CUES.

♪♪♪

YOU'RE SURE WE'RE NOT
GONNA HUMILIATE OURSELVES?

I PROMISE YOU
IT'LL BE A NIGHT TO REMEMBER.

AND IT WAS...
(clink)

♪♪♪

♪ MUSTANG SALLY ♪

(cheering)

♪ GUESS YOU BETTER SLOW
YOUR MUSTANG DOWN ♪

...IN WAYS
THEY COULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN.

♪ MUSTANG SALLY NOW, BABY ♪

OH, MY GOD! FIRE!

(shouting and screaming)

UHH!

(screaming continues)

IT'S LOCKED.

(man) STRAIGHT BACK.

(indistinct conversations)

THE NEXT MORNING,

NEWS OF THE TRAGEDY
BEGAN TO SPREAD...

ALONG WITH RUMORS

THAT THE BLAZE
HAD BEEN SET INTENTIONALLY.

IT WASN'T LONG

BEFORE THE POLICE BEGAN
USING THE WORD "ARSON"...

AND SOMEONE WAS TAKEN
INTO CUSTODY.
(camera shutters clicking)

(horn honks in distance)

(car doors opening)

OH! LOOK AT MY LITTLE GIRL.

ISN'T SHE ADORABLE?
OH, I MISSED HER SO MUCH.

OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HER.
OH, NOT YET. I WANNA GIVE
HER NEW BOYFRIEND THE ONCE-OVER.

WOW. HE'S AS CUTE
AS SHE SAID--

NICE SMILE,

AND LOOK AT THAT HAIR.

DON'T YOU JUST WANNA RUN
YOUR FINGERS THROUGH IT?

FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, NO.

(chuckles) YOU KNOW,

I'M VERY GOOD
AT FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

I'M GONNA LIKE THIS GUY.

WHY IS THE CAB DRIVER HANDING
JULIE'S BOYFRIEND MONEY?

WHY IS JULIE'S BOYFRIEND
GETTING BACK IN THE CAB?

AND WHY IS THE MIDDLE-AGED
CAB DRIVER KISSING JULIE?

(engine starts)

I THINK WHAT'S GOING ON
IS--

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
LET ME ENJOY MY DENIAL.

OHH!

(door opens)
HONEY, I'M HOME. YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE THE TRAFFIC...

HELLO, GABRIELLE.

VIRGINIA CAME BY
TO SAY HELLO.

ISN'T THAT
A NICE SURPRISE?

I HAVE NEWS I WANTED TO SHARE.

YOU DON'T SEEM HAPPY TO SEE ME.

WELL, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE
THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE,

YOU CALLED ME
A GREEDY BITCH

AND I CALLED YOU
A SCARY OLD HAG.

WEREN'T WE A FINE PAIR
OF HOTHEADS?

BUT WHAT FAMILY DOESN'T HAVE
ITS SQUABBLES?

FAMILY?!
LADY, YOU HAD CARLOS FIRED.

THAT WAS
A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

AND SHE STRAIGHTENED IT OUT,
AND I GOT MY JOB BACK.

ISN'T THAT NICE?
DELIGHTFUL.

NOW LEAVE BEFORE THERE'S
A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING

BETWEEN MY FOOT
AND YOUR ASS.

GABY, COULD I SEE YOU
IN THE KITCHEN... NOW?

SAVE YOUR BREATH, CARLOS.

THERE IS NO WAY WE'RE LETTING
GRANDMA SCREW-LOOSE

BACK INTO OUR LIVES.
SHE PUT US IN HER WILL.

OH, MY GOD!
THAT WOMAN IS CRAZY.

IS SHE CRAZY
OR JUST DESPERATELY LONELY?

I DON'T CARE.
ALL SHE WANTS
IS SOME HUMAN CONTACT--

TO HANG OUT WITH US
ON THE OCCASIONAL WEEKEND,

MAYBE A HOLIDAY OR TWO.
RIGHT, AND IN EXCHANGE,

WHEN SHE FINALLY
KICKS THE BUCKET,

WE WIND UP WITH A LAMP.
I'M SORRY, CARLOS.

WE'RE THE SOLE HEIRS
OF HER ENTIRE FORTUNE.

AND HER BLOOD PRESSURE
IS 220/90.

VIRGINIA! WHY CAN'T I
STAY MAD AT YOU?

ALL RIGHT, THEN,
WE'LL SEE YOU SOON.
(beep)

THE REPORTER'S ALMOST HERE.
I AM SO NERVOUS.

WHY? YOU'VE DONE
LOTS OF INTERVIEWS.

THAT WAS ALL LOCAL.
THIS IS "THE NEW YORK DISPATCH."

IF THIS GOES WELL, MY COOKBOOK
COULD BE ON THE FRONT PAGE

OF THEIR
WEEKEND STYLE SECTION.

KATHERINE, WHAT DID YOU DO
TO YOUR HAIR?

I'VE NEVER SEEN IT LOOK
SO THICK AND LUSTROUS.

I'M ALREADY PLANNING TO SAY
NICE THINGS ABOUT YOU.

GOOD. I CAN CHECK THAT
OFF MY LIST.

WHEN'S THE REPORTER COMING?

ANY MINUTE. OH, MY GOSH, ANDREW.
DON'T YOU LOOK SHARP TODAY?

DON'T WORRY.
I-I WON'T TELL HER I'M GAY.
CHECK AND CHECK.

MOM, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS REPORTER?

ONLY THAT HER NAME
IS SANDRA BIRCH.

WE JUST SPOKE,
AND SHE SEEMED VERY NICE.
SHE ISN'T.

I WENT ONLINE AND PULLED
A BUNCH OF HER ARTICLES,

AND A LOT OF THEM
ARE COMPLETE HATCHET JOBS.
"A DEEPER LOOK SUGGESTS
SOMETHING DARKER,

"SOMETHING MORE OMINOUS,
A WOMAN WHOSE PERKY SURFACE

CONCEALS A DEEP, ALMOST DEMONIC
THIRST FOR POWER."

OOH. I DOUBT
BETTY WHITE SAW THAT COMING.

MOM, IF THIS WOMAN
TANKS YOU,

I COULD KILL SALES
OF THE BOOK.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO HANDLE THIS.
(woman) KNOCK, KNOCK?

I'M LOOKING FOR BREE.

(sighs)

YOU MUST BE SANDRA.

WHAT A SHARP OUTFIT.

AND LOOK AT THAT HAIR--
SO THICK AND LUSTROUS.

(click, whoosh)

UM... MOM,
YOU GOT A MINUTE?

I DO. WHY DO I HAVE A SENSE

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE IT AWAY
FROM ME?

PORTER GOT ANNE SCHILLING
PREGNANT.

MOM, ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, YEAH, I'M GREAT.
THAT IT?

NO. THERE'S MORE.

THEY'RE PLANNING
TO RUN AWAY.

OKAY.
WELL, YOUR MINUTE'S UP.

AREN'T YOU GONNA GO
TALK TO HIM?

NO, I HAVE TO TALK
TO SOMEONE ELSE FIRST.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU LEFT
THAT SODA CAN

ON THE COFFEE TABLE,
AND IT LEFT A RING,

AND I YELLED AT YOU?

(whispers)
I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

(door closes)

AND WE ALWAYS SELL OUT,

SO I WANT THE BAND THERE
BY 6:00.

ANY QUESTIONS?

SOUNDS GOOD.
WHEN ARE WE ON?

SECOND. YOU GOT THE PRIMO SPOT
AS A FAVOR TO MY WIFE.

SINCE SHE RENTED YOU THE SPACE,
SHE FEELS LIKE PART OF THE BAND.

WELL, ROCK ON, ANNE SCHILLING.

IF SHE REQUESTS "FREE BIRD,"
WE'RE DOING IT. (chuckles)

HEY, UH, TOM, I SAW PORTER
AT MY HOUSE THE OTHER DAY.

OH.

YEAH, HE AND KIRBY
WERE SHOOTING HOOPS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW BIG HE'S GETTING.
YEAH.

THEY GROW UP FAST, HUH?

YEAH. LITTLE TOO FAST.

YEAH.

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(ring)

(beep)

(lowered voice) UH, HEY, DOC,
I KNOW I OWE YOU A PHONE CALL.

I'M GONNA CUT TO THE CHASE,
DAVE.

ARE YOU IN FAIRVIEW?

WHAT?
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

Doesn't matter
where it came from.

ARE YOU IN FAIRVIEW?

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT BROUGHT THIS ON,

BUT I'M REALLY BUSY
RIGHT NOW.

I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
I PROMISE.

AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT THEN.
OKAY? BYE.

(beep, shuts cell phone)

EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU TELL ME
HOW TO GET TO WISTERIA LANE?

SO THERE WE WERE, HUDDLED UNDER
THIS BROKEN UMBRELLA,

AND... HE JUST KISSED ME.

IT WAS SO ROMANTIC.

AW. SHE'S SKIPPING THE PART
WHERE ONE OF THE SPOKES

GOT ME IN THE EYE. (laughs)
(laughs)

JULIE, I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR
SUITCASES UPSTAIRS NOW, OKAY?

OH, I'LL COME WITH YOU.
I NEED TO CHECK MY E-MAIL.

MM. BE RIGHT BACK.

SO, SUSAN, I'M...

I'M SENSING THAT, UH,

YOU'RE A LITTLE FREAKED OUT
ABOUT MY AGE.

(chuckles) YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR
24-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER CALLS YOU

AND TELLS YOU SHE'S BRINGING
HOME A BOY FROM COLLEGE,

YOU SORT OF EXPECT IT
TO BE, WELL...

A BOY.

(chuckles)

WELL, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT WE DIDN'T START DATING

UNTIL AFTER THE SEMESTER
WAS OVER.

I DON'T DATE STUDENTS.
THAT'S--THAT'S A RULE WITH ME.

AND A DAMN GOOD ONE.

ALTHOUGH STRICTLY SPEAKING,

I SUPPOSE MY THIRD WIFE
WAS MY TEACHING ASSISTANT,

BUT SHE WAS REALLY MORE
OF MY EMPLOYEE THAN MY STUDENT.
YOUR WHAT?

STUDENT.

BEFORE THAT.
EMPLOYEE.

BEFORE THAT.
THIRD WIFE.

THAT'S THE ONE.

SO YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED
THREE TIMES?

DIDN'T JULIE TELL YOU THAT?
I DON'T BELIEVE SO.

ALTHOUGH I MAY HAVE BLACKED OUT
AFTER SHE TOLD ME YOU WERE 40.

SO HOW DOES A MAN YOUR AGE

GET MARRIED AND DIVORCED
THREE TIMES?

WELL, MY FIRST WIFE AND I
WERE ONLY MARRIED A FEW MONTHS,

SO I-I ALMOST
DON'T LIKE TO COUNT IT.
DID SOMEONE THROW RICE AT YOU?

YEAH.
IT COUNTS.

IS THIS UPSETTING YOU?
I-I THOUGHT YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

JULIE SAID
YOU'D BEEN DIVORCED YOURSELF.

YEAH. ONLY TWICE.

TWO. SMALL NUMBER.
MUCH SMALLER THAN THREE.

AND MY FIRST CHEATED ON ME,
SO THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT.

DID SOMEONE THROW RICE
AT YOU?
SHUT UP.

LOOK, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW

THAT SOMETIMES
IT JUST DOESN'T WORK OUT.

WELL...

THAT'S TRUE.

AND BESIDES, IT--IT'S DIFFERENT
WITH JULIE. I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
THAT YOU KNOW

I TAKE MY COMMITMENTS
SERIOUSLY.

WHY?

OH, MY GOD.

(Julie) LLOYD, COME HERE.

I CAN'T FIND
MY CELL PHONE CHARGER.

PLEASE, PLEASE,
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE.
THANKS...

MOM.

AND THIS IS
MY OWN LITTLE KITCHEN.

I'M PRETTY SURE
MY HUSBAND'S HERE SOMEWHERE.

ORSON, DEAR,
ARE YOU DECENT?

(Orson) IN HERE, LOVE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'VE HAD THE MOST DELIGHTFUL
TIME WITH YOUR WIFE AND STEPSON.

OH.
(chuckles)

YOUR HOME IS STUNNING.

YOU CANNOT RUN A BUSINESS
AND DO ALL THIS, TOO.

TELL ME YOU HAVE
A HOUSEKEEPER.

WHY WOULD I PAY SOMEONE TO
DO WORK THAT GIVES ME SUCH JOY?

NOW WHO WANTS
A LITTLE SNACK?

(whispers) OH.

BREE, THE IDEA WAS

FOR ME TO SPEND
A TYPICAL DAY WITH YOU.

MM.

SO THIS IS LEGIT?

YOU'RE REALLY THIS DONNA REED
HOUSEWIFE FROM THE '50s?

YOU SAY THAT
LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.

I THINK THAT DECADE
HAD A LOT TO RECOMMEND IT.

MM,
PEOPLE HAD VALUES THEN--

VALUES THIS FAMILY
STRIVES TO UPHOLD.

BUT NOT EVERYONE

CAN KEEP A PERFECT HOUSE
FOR A PERFECT FAMILY

WITH PERFECT FOOD
AND PERFECT FLOWERS.

OF COURSE THEY CAN...

IF THEY READ MY BOOK, THAT IS.
MM.

OKAY, TRUTH BE TOLD...
(sighs)

I'M FAR FROM PERFECT.

ONLY YESTERDAY, I BURNED
A WHOLE TRAY OF BISCOTTI.

WOW. (chuckles)

AND TO THINK, I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT FINDING A LEAD.

(telephone rings)

ANDREW, PLEASE.
THE MACHINE CAN GET IT.

(ring)
WE NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE
WHILE ENTERTAINING.

SO RUDE TO ONE'S GUESTS.
MM.

NOW, UM, MAY I POUR YOU
SOME MORE TEA?
(ring)

(beep)
(man) This is Mr. Jones
for Orson Hodge.

Due to vacation schedules,

I'll be filling in
for your parole officer.

Give me a call, please.
(beep)

SO, MR. HODGE...

(pen clicks loudly)

YOU'VE BEEN TO PRISON.

NOW CAN I BE GAY?

HUH.

(door opens and closes)

KIRBY, IS THAT YOU?

I THOUGHT
YOU WENT TO THE MOVIES.

ARE YOU REALLY PREGNANT?

YES.

A COUPLE OF MONTHS BACK,

WARREN AND I...

W-WE FOUGHT.

I WAS PRETTY BANGED UP,
AND--AND...

PORTER CAME BY
LOOKING FOR KIRBY,

AND--AND...

HE WAS SO...

KIND AND... AND GENTLE.

DON'T.

DON'T TRY AND JUSTIFY THIS.
THIS IS SICK.

YOU ARE SICK.

(sniffles)

YOUR SON...

LOVES ME.

AND--AND I LOVE HIM.

AND--AND--AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GLAD
I'M HAVING PORTER'S BABY.

(sighs)

DAMN.

NOT EXACTLY WHAT A HUSBAND WANTS
TO HEAR COMING IN THE DOOR.

I SUPPOSE
DINNER'S NOT READY, EITHER.

WARREN, I'M SORRY THAT--

THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA HAVE
TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

(whispers) DON'T GO.

I NEED TO TALK
WITH MY WIFE RIGHT NOW.

I'M SORRY FOR ANY PAIN

THIS HAS CAUSED YOUR FAMILY,
MRS. SCAVO.

(mouths word)

(door closes)

(keys jingling)

DAMN IT.

YOU THINK YOU CAN HUMILIATE ME?!
YOU PIECE OF FILTH!
(Anne) AAH!

GET OFF OF HER! GET OFF OF HER!
I'M CALLING THE POLICE!

STAY OUT OF THIS! (grunts)
AAH!

(Lynette grunts)
(grunts)

OKAY, WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I HIT BACK.

CALL THE POLICE.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR HER EXPLAIN
HER WAY OUT OF STATUTORY RAPE.

YOU DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

(gasps) OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!

(gasps)

THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.
(sniffles)

(sighs)

HERE WE ARE, BOYS!
ARE YOU PSYCHED OR WHAT?

OH, I FEEL LIKE
I'M GONNA PUKE AGAIN.

(Tom) HEY.

HEY.

YOU GUYS COLD SPLASH?

YES, SIR.

"SIR"?

WE'RE BLUE ODYSSEY.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.

UH, SO AFTER THE GIG,

WE'RE HAVING A PARTY
AT OUR MANAGER'S LOFT.

YOU GUYS SHOULD COME.
ABSO-TIVELY.

WE JUST GOTTA
CHECK WITH OUR WIVES.

(indistinct conversation)

(all speaking inaudibly)

WHY WERE YOU
TALKING TO THAT WOMAN?

SHE JUST WALKED UP
AND ASKED IF WE KNEW YOU,

WANTED US TO CONFIRM
A BUNCH OF RUMORS.

(chuckle nervously)
WHAT KIND OF RUMORS?

JUST... STUFF SHE'D HEARD
AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WERE YOU REALLY
A BOOZEHOUND?

LEE...
NO, I'M JUST SAYING, I WISH
I'D HAVE KNOWN YOU THEN.

WE'D HAVE BEEN
SUCH GOOD FRIENDS.
SHE SEEMED TO KNOW
AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT YOU.

KEY WORD--"AWFUL."

I CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN.
I HAVE TO FIND HER.

WELL, SHE'S GONNA BE AT
THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS TONIGHT.

WHY?
SHE WANTS TO HEAR ORSON,
AND I QUOTE,

"SING HARMONY
WITH THE GUY HE TRIED TO KILL."

OH, DEAR GOD.
THIS WOMAN IS DETERMINED

TO MAKE MY LIFE SOUND TEN TIMES
WORSE THAN IT ACTUALLY IS.

YEAH. SO WAS YOUR FIRST HUSBAND
REALLY INTO S AND M HOOKERS?

AND YOU WONDER WHY
WE'RE NEVER INVITED ANYWHERE.

OKAY, GIRLS,
MOMMY'S LEAVING.

I LOVE YOU!

I'M PLANNING ON HAVING
A MASSIVE HANGOVER TOMORROW,

SO KEEP THE GIRLS UP LATE
SO WE CAN ALL SLEEP IN.

MY, DON'T YOU LOOK FESTIVE.

VIRGINIA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE'RE GOING
TO WATCH CARLOS' BAND PLAY.

YOU INVITED ME THIS MORNING,
REMEMBER?

NO, UH, WHAT I REMEMBER

WAS YOU ASKING ME
TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT,

AND ME SAYING I COULDN'T

BECAUSE I WAS GOING
TO WATCH CARLOS' BAND PLAY.

YOU GOT INVITATION
OUT OF THAT?

WELL, I'M HERE NOW, DEAR,
AND I HAVE THIS LOVELY LIMO.

SO COME ON. WE'LL RIDE OVER
TO THE CLUB IN STYLE.

WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

I'M SUPPOSED TO
GO WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS.

OH, GABY, PLEASE, I WAS
SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL ALONE.

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE ALL
GOING TO THE SAME PLACE.

I'LL JUST
SEE MY FRIENDS THERE.

OH, GOODY!

(woman) DR. SMITH
TO CARDIAC I.C.U.

WHERE'S ANNE?

OH! SHE'S ASLEEP. SHE'S FINE.
WHAT HAPPENED?

I WENT OVER TO TALK TO ANNE
ABOUT RECENT DEVELOPMENTS.

YOU WENT TO HER HOUSE?
YES, I DID, PORTER.
I HAD TO TALK TO ANNE.

I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT HER HUSBAND WAS THERE,

AND HE OVERHEARD US AND...

THE DOCTORS SAY
SHE'S GONNA BE FINE.

PORTER, WH--

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
DAMN IT!

"TONIC WATER, BOURBON, KETCHUP."
THIS IS YOUR GROCERY LIST?

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE
ON DAVE'S PHONE BILL

THAT WILL HELP US.
UH, THERE ISN'T.

OH, DON'T GET BROCCOLI.
IT IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT YOU CROSS-CHECKED

ALL THOSE OTHER NUMBERS,
AND THERE WAS NOTHING?
SQUAT.

THE KEY IS THIS DOCTOR GUY.
YEAH.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST BITE
THE BULLET AND GO TO BOSTON.

YEAH. MAYBE WE CAN GET MORE
OUT OF HIM FACE-TO-FACE.

HEY, YOU WANNA GO
TO A ROCK SHOW TONIGHT?

ME? WITH YOU?

WELL, I'M A LITTLE
OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE,

BUT IF IT'LL GET YOU THERE,
SURE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN,
BUT THANKS.

HERE, IN CASE YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND. (chuckles)

(blues rock music playing)

AND THEN I NOTICED

THAT MARIA'S POCKETS
WERE STUFFED WITH SILVERWARE.

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO FIND GOOD HELP THESE DAYS.

WELL, YOU'LL KNOW
SOON ENOUGH

WHEN MY CHOLESTEROL FINALLY
GETS THE BETTER OF ME.

DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

YOU WANT A CHEESEBURGER
OR SOMETHING?

THAT HAS GOT TO STOP.
I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING.

WHY?
JULIE'S A GROWN WOMAN.

UH-HUH, SHE'S A GROWN WOMAN
WITH STARS IN HER EYES

WHO'S IN LOVE
WITH A 3-TIME LOSER.

IF SHE WANTS TO ACCEPT
HIS PROPOSAL,

THAT'S HER BUSINESS.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA RUIN HIS SURPRISE.

AREN'T I?
NO.

AREN'T I?
NO.

(both speaking inaudibly)

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL STAY OUT OF IT.

OH, NOW WHERE IS
THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM?

HEY, WHY DID THAT GUY
HAND YOU A CD?

YOUR NAME ISN'T JULIE,
IS IT?
NO. WHY?

WELL, THERE'S A SONG ON THERE
HE WANTS ME TO PLAY.

I GUESS HE'S GONNA PROPOSE
TO HIS GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING.
TONIGHT?!

(chuckles nervously)
ISN'T THAT LOVELY?

(man) ♪ WHOA, OH ♪

♪ JULIE, JULIE, JULIE,
DO YOU LOVE ME? ♪

♪ JULIE, JULIE, JULIE,
DO YOU CARE? ♪

♪ JULIE, JULIE,
ARE YOU THINKING OF ME? ♪

♪ JULIE, JULIE,
WILL YOU STILL BE THERE? ♪

HEY, YOU TWO.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

UM, NOTHING.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

OH, I JUST LOVE THIS SONG.
(laughs)

AND JACKSON DOESN'T
LIKE TO DANCE, SO...

ISN'T THIS FUN?

IT WAS.

OH, REMINDS ME OF BEING
YOUNG AND SINGLE.

OH, I WISH
I'D NEVER GIVEN UP THAT.

UH...
(chuckles) YEAH, SUSAN.

LISTEN, UH, I DON'T WANT TO,
UH, UH, SOUND RUDE OR ANYTHING,

BUT THIS IS REALLY A-A MOMENT
THAT'S MEANT FOR TWO.

RIGHT! RIGHT.

YOU MIND EASING AWAY
SO I CAN DANCE WITH MY DAUGHTER?

(laughs)

MM, SUSAN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M... JUST MOVIN'
TO THE MUSIC.

MM, YEAH.
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

UH, NO. NO. NO, NO.

NO! NO, NO, NO!
OH, ALL RIGHT!

BUT NO MATTER WHAT HE ASKS YOU,
PROMISE ME YOU'LL SAY "NO."

SUSAN!

(sighs) LLOYD, I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T HELP IT.

I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER
TO BE SOMEONE'S FOURTH WIFE.

WIFE? WERE YOU GONNA
ASK ME TO MARRY YOU?

OH, UH, WERE WE NOT
CLEAR ON THAT BY NOW?

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. WE'VE ONLY
BEEN DATING THREE MONTHS.

WELL, YES, I KNOW, BUT I HAVE
SUCH A GOOD FEELING ABOUT US.

RIGHT, BETTER FEELINGS
THAN YOU HAD

ABOUT WIVES ONE, TWO AND THREE?
MOM.

♪♪♪

YOU ARE VERY SWEET,

BUT I'M NOT
GETTING MARRIED... EVER.

"EVER"?
W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN "EVER"?

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.

I JUST REALLY NEED
A MOMENT TO MYSELF.

THANK YOU.

BREE, DARLING.

SPARE ME YOUR "DARLING,"
SANDRA.

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN TRYING
TO DIG UP DIRT ON ME.

MM, JUST DOING MY JOB.

AND FRANKLY, I DIDN'T
HAVE TO DIG ALL THAT HARD.

I WROTE A COOKBOOK, SANDRA--

MEATLOAF, POT PIES,
PEACH COBBLER.

WHY ARE YOU TRYING
TO CRUCIFY ME?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT A COOKBOOK,
BREE.

IT'S A "LOOK HOW GREAT I AM"
BOOK--

ONE DESIGNED TO MAKE EVERY WOMAN
WHO READS IT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE

IF SHE DOESN'T MEASURE UP.

WHAT YOU'RE SELLING'S
A TOTAL SHAM.

BUT IT ISN'T, SANDRA,

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
I'M GREAT.

I HAVE FALLEN DOWN MORE TIMES
THAN I CAN COUNT,

JUST LIKE SO MANY
OTHER HOUSEWIVES OUT THERE.

WE'RE ALL JUST BARELY
HOLDING ON,

AND WE ALL THINK
THAT WE'RE ALONE.

SO MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE IT ISN'T A COOKBOOK.

IT'S A LIFELINE FROM ME
TO THOSE OTHER WOMEN,

BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO KNOW

THERE'S ALWAYS A CHANCE
TO GET SOMETHING RIGHT...

EVEN IF IT'S JUST
A CASSEROLE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT
RIGHT UP FRONT, BREE?

THAT'S AN ANGLE
I CAN WORK WITH.

I GOT
SOME GOOD NEWS TODAY.

I'VE BEEN SPEAKING
WITH THE HEADMASTER

AT GREENBRIER COUNTRY DAY
SCHOOL,

AND I GOT THEM TO RESERVE
TWO SPOTS FOR THE GIRLS.

THEY START NEXT TERM.
WELL, THANKS, BUT THE GIRLS
ALREADY HAVE A SCHOOL.

YES, I KNOW--A PUBLIC SCHOOL.
THIS IS A GOOD SCHOOL.
VIRGINIA, THEY'RE HAPPY
WHERE THEY ARE.

THEY LOVE FAIRVIEW.

BESIDES, GREENBRIER'S, LIKE,
AN HOUR AWAY.
SO I'LL GET THEM A DRIVER.

THAT WOULD BE
A REAL TREAT FOR THEM.
NO, I WANT THEM
TO BE CLOSE BY.

THEY COULD NEED ME
DURING THE SCHOOL DAY--

GET SICK OR SOMETHING.
OH, THAT'S WHAT
SCHOOL NURSES ARE FOR.

DEAR, THIS IS A DECISION
I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT.

I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO INSIST.

EXCUSE ME. YOU DON'T GET
TO INSIST ON ANYTHING

WHEN IT COMES
TO MY DAUGHTERS.

I THINK, GIVEN THE EXTENT OF
MY INVESTMENT IN THIS FAMILY,

I SHOULD HAVE SOME SAY.

I'LL JUST GIVE YOU
SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T NEED ANY TIME TO THINK
ABOUT IT. KEEP YOUR MONEY.

NOW YOU'RE BEING
RECKLESS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I LIKE MONEY. I LIKE IT A LOT.

AND A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

YOU COULD'VE BOUGHT ME
WITH THAT BIG FORTUNE OF YOURS.

BUT I'M A MOM NOW, AND I MAKE
THE DECISIONS FOR MY KIDS.

AND THAT IS SOMETHING
THAT CANNOT BE BOUGHT.

GABY, I CAN
MAKE A DECISION, TOO.

I CAN CALL MY LAWYER
TOMORROW MORNING

AND TAKE YOU OUT
OF MY WILL.
AND THAT IS YOUR RIGHT
AS A CRAZY OLD RICH LADY.

(cell phone rings)

(clears throat)

(ring)

(ring)

(beep)
THANK YOU.

SCREENING YOUR CALLS NOW,
DAVE?

LET ME GUESS.

YOU CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY,
DOC.

YOU CHANGED YOUR NAME

AND DIDN'T TELL ME.

YOU'RE LIVING IN FAIRVIEW--

THE ONE PLACE
YOU SWORE YOU WOULDN'T GO.

I DIDN'T CHANGE MY NAME
TO BE DECEPTIVE.

I JUST WANTED A FRESH START.

FAIRVIEW IS NOT
A FRESH START FOR YOU.

MY WIFE EDIE--
SHE'S FROM HERE,

AND SHE REALLY WANTED
TO MOVE BACK, AND I SAID OKAY.

DID YOU TELL HER
YOUR HISTORY?

DID YOU TELL HER

WHY IT'S NOT HEALTHY--

OR SAFE...

FOR YOU TO BE HERE?

SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING,

AND I'M IN A REALLY GOOD PLACE
RIGHT NOW.

BUT...

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS
AFTER THE SHOW?

THESE GUYS...

THEY'RE MY FRIENDS,

AND THEY'RE DEPENDING ON ME.

THE MOMENT
YOU'RE FINISHED PLAYING.

(cheering)

LET'S START
THIS YEAR'S BATTLE OF THE BANDS

WITH OUR FIRST GROUP.

GIVE IT UP FOR COLD SPLASH!

(playing "In a Cave")

♪ I THREW DARTS
AT A SPINNING GLOBE ♪

♪ SWAPPING OUT PASSPORT PHOTOS ♪

SPARE ME THE APOLOGY

FOR BUTTING INTO MY LIFE
FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME.

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT YOU
NEVER GETTING MARRIED?
WHY WOULD I?

IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE
LEARNED FROM YOUR EXPERIENCE,

MARRIAGE IS A JOKE.

HEY, I BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE.

WHY?

FIRST THERE WAS DAD,
WHO LEFT YOU FOR HIS SECRETARY,

AND THEN MIKE... (scoffs)

HE WAS THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE,
AND IT STILL WENT TO HELL.

I MEAN, HONESTLY...
JUST TELL ME WHAT THE UPSIDE IS.

OH, JULIE, YOU'RE WAY TOO YOUNG
TO BE THIS CYNICAL.

(sighs) I AM NOT CYNICAL.

I'M REALISTIC.

I'M... I'M JUST TRYING
TO PROTECT MYSELF.

WELL, PUTTING A WALL AROUND
YOUR HEART DOESN'T PROTECT YOU.

IT JUST KEEPS PEOPLE OUT.
I LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY.

NOW WITH JACKSON...

I REMEMBER
THAT I LIKE FEELING HOPEFUL.

I LIKE BELIEVING
IN "HAPPILY EVER AFTER."

I REALLY WISH
THAT YOU FELT THAT WAY, TOO.

(chuckles)

♪♪♪

SORRY ABOUT THE TIP,
BUT I JUST LOST $50 MILLION.

♪ I DON'T KNOW
WHO ELSE TO ASK ♪

EXCUSE ME.

GABY,
HAVE YOU SEEN PORTER?

NO, I HAVEN'T. WHY?
IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?

NO. SO IF YOU SEE HIM,
PLEASE TELL ME.

MM-HMM.
THANKS.

♪ I'M A ROMANTIC ♪

♪ BUT NEVER PEARLY WHITE ♪

♪ ALL MY HAIR GROWS IN ♪

♪ WRINKLES LEAVE MY SKIN ♪

♪ BUT STILL DON'T FADE ♪

YEAH, COME ON. TONIGHT, WE'RE
NOT A PLUMBER AND A MASSEUR

AND A GUY THAT MAKES PIZZAS.
WE'RE A ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND.

RIGHT, DAVE?

♪♪♪

ABSOLUTELY.

LOOK, I'M GONNA CHECK WITH
THE GUY ABOUT THE LIGHT CUES.

HEY, DOC.

HE'S IN YOUR BAND?!

OH. (laughs) I KNOW.

IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT WE'VE
WORKED THROUGH EVERYTHING.

IT'S COOL.

NO. THIS IS TOO DANGEROUS.

I NEED TO SPEAK TO HIM
RIGHT NOW.

DOC, YOU JUST HAVE
TO TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, OKAY?

NOW, DAVE.
I SPEAK TO HIM RIGHT NOW...

OR I CALL THE POLICE.

♪ A LITTLE BIT ABOUT... ♪

OKAY. YOU WIN.

COME ON.

♪♪♪

AH.

I HOPE YOU REALIZE

I'M ONLY DOING THIS
BECAUSE I WANT TO HELP YOU.

I GENUINELY CARE
ABOUT YOU, DAVE.

♪♪♪

I KNOW YOU DO, DR. HELLER.

AND I LIKE YOU.

(click)

ACTUALLY, I LIKE YOU A LOT.

(grunts)

(gasping and groaning)

(both grunt)

(groans)

(gasps)

(whispers) I'M SORRY.

(indistinct conversations
in distance)

♪♪♪

♪ A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF? ♪

I KNOW THIS IS GONNA
SOUND CRAZY,

BUT I CAN ACTUALLY
SMELL OUR FEAR.

IF I COULD SEE WHERE
THE EXITS ARE, I'D RUN FOR 'EM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LET
DAVE TALK US INTO THIS.
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS DAVE?

(song ends)

(cheers and applause)

(laughs)

HEY, JACKSON.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THE GUYS ARE ABOUT TO START.

UH, BATHROOM.
BACK IN A SEC.
OH, THE MEN'S ROOM'S PACKED,

BUT THERE'S AN EMPLOYEE
BATHROOM BACK THERE.
THANK YOU.

(lighter clicks)

HEY, DAVE,
IS THAT THE BATHROOM?

NO. I THINK
THAT'S IT THERE.

OH. OKAY. THANKS.

WE'RE UP.
WHERE THE HELL IS DAVE?

SORRY. (panting)

WE THOUGHT YOU DITCHED US.
WHERE WERE YOU?

NEEDED A LITTLE LIQUID COURAGE.
COME ON, BOYS. LET'S DO IT.
(audience chanting)
ODYSSEY! ODYSSEY!

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS
IS BACK,

SO PLEASE GIVE A BIG WELCOME
TO BLUE ODYSSEY.

(cheering)

♪♪♪

♪ MUSTANG SALLY ♪

♪ GUESS YOU BETTER
SLOW YOUR MUSTANG DOWN ♪

HEY, WARREN.
YEAH?

♪ MUSTANG SALLY NOW, BABY ♪

GET UP, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

(gasps)

DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!
DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!

GO HOME NOW!
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ANNE.

BETTER LISTEN TO YOUR MOMMY,
LITTLE BOY. GO HOME.

YOU'RE DEAD. I DON'T CARE
WHAT IT TAKES. YOU'RE DEAD.

STOP IT! GO ON! GO ON!
GO ON!

♪ YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING
ALL OVER TOWN ♪

HITTING WOMEN AND CHILDREN?

YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.

♪♪♪

LOCK THAT DOOR.

♪♪♪

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN HURT
IN THERE!

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
WHATEVER HAPPENS IS YOUR FAULT.

(audience)
♪ RIDE, SALLY, RIDE ♪

♪ ONE OF THESE EARLY MORNINGS ♪

♪ YOU GONNA BE WIPIN'
YOUR WEEPIN' EYES, YEAH ♪

♪♪♪

♪ MUSTANG SALLY ♪

OH, MY GOD! FIRE!

(shouting and screaming)

WHAT'S--WHAT'S HAPPENING?

(grunts)

(man) THIS WAY! THIS WAY!

(screaming and shouting
continues)

JACKSON--
HE'S IN THE BATHROOM.
OH, THERE'S AN EXIT THERE.

HE'LL GET OUT. COME ON.
WE HAVE TO GO NOW.

(screaming and shouting
in distance)

(jiggling doorknob)

HEY! HEY! OPEN UP!

(grunting)

GABY! YOUR FRIEND! HEY!

(shouting and screaming
continues)

OH, CRAP.

COME ON.
LET'S GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

LET'S GO. (grunts) OKAY.

HEY, SINCE I'M SAVING
YOUR LIFE AND ALL,

YOU WANNA THINK ABOUT MAYBE
KEEPING US IN YOUR WILL?
NO.

EH, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.

(shouting and screaming)

IT'S LOCKED.

LOOK OUT!

(screaming)

(man) QUIT PUSHING!

COME ON.
NO, I GOTTA MAKE SURE EVERYONE
GETS OUT OF HERE. GO!

GO!

AAH!

(man)
DON'T PUSH! ONE AT A TIME!

JACKSON! JACKSON!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

JACKSON--HE'S STILL IN THERE.
HE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

I'LL GET HIM. GO. JUST GO.
MIKE--

GET OUT! GO!

(coughing)

JACKSON! (coughs) JACKSON!

(siren wailing in distance)

(crowd screaming
and shouting indistinctly)

(coughing)

JACKSON. THANK GOD.

WHERE'S MIKE?

I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T SEE HIM.

(Edie shouts)

IS HE STILL IN THERE?
YEAH! HE WENT IN THERE
TO FIND YOU.

WHAT? MIKE?
MIKE'S STILL IN THERE?

DAVE, NO!

OHH!

MIKE!

MIKE!

MOM! DAD.
AAH!

PORTER, I TOLD YOU TO GO HOME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU DID THIS!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
STAY AWAY FROM MY KID!

YOUR KID BURNED DOWN
MY CLUB.

SUSAN, DO YOU THINK
HE'S STILL IN THERE?

I DIDN'T SEE HIM.

LOOK, MY HUSBAND'S
STILL INSIDE.

YOU'VE GOTTA GO BACK
IN THERE!

I'M SORRY. THAT ROOF
IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE.

NOW PLEASE GET BACK.

SOMEONE'S COMING!

(grunts)

HANG IN THERE.
I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET.

THERE WAS A FIRE LAST NIGHT
IN FAIRVIEW.

IF YOU OPEN UP
YOUR MORNING PAPER,

YOU CAN READ ABOUT
THOSE WHO SURVIVED...

AND THOSE WHO WERE INJURED...

THOSE WHO BARELY ESCAPED
WITH THEIR LIVES...

AND THOSE WHO DIDN'T.

YOU CAN ALSO READ ABOUT
A MAN WHO RISKED HIS LIFE

TO RESCUE HIS NEIGHBOR.

WHAT YOU WON'T READ ABOUT

ARE THE REASONS
FOR THIS BRAVERY.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PULLED
THAT GUY OUT OF THE FIRE.

CAN I INTERVIEW YOU?
(sobbing)

AND THAT'S BECAUSE...

NO ONE EVER DOUBTS...

A HERO.