All language subtitles for Desperate.Housewives.S05E04.1080p.WEB-DL.DD+.5.1.x264-TrollHD_track3_[und]

PREVIOUSLY ON...

BREE'S HUSBAND FELT REJECTED.
I THINK IT'S STRANGE
TO SEE MY WIFE BILLED

AS "MRS. VAN de KAMP."
IT'S HOW I'M KNOWN.

IS THERE A MR. VAN de KAMP?
NO, UH, MR. VAN de KAMP
IS DECEASED.

WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU
TO HAVE MENTIONED ME?

IT'S BECAUSE I WENT TO JAIL,
ISN'T IT?
LYNETTE'S HUSBAND WAS EXCITED.

WE'RE GONNA START
A GARAGE BAND!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO SAID YOU WANTED

TO SPEND MORE TIME
WITH YOUR FAMILY.
GUYS NEED TO BLOW OFF STEAM.

EDIE'S NEW HUSBAND
HAD A PAST...
(man) YOU'VE BEEN HERE
SIX WEEKS,

AND YOU DON'T SEEM ANY CLOSER
TO COMING TO TERMS

WITH YOUR RAGE.
I'VE COME TO TERMS WITH IT,

AND I LIKE IT
JUST THE WAY IT IS.
(Mary Alice)
...WHICH REMAINED A MYSTERY.

I JUST THINK IT'S ODD THAT
YOU'RE MARRIED TO SOME GUY.

YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
WELL, SHE KEPT ASKING ME
ALL THIS STUFF

ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND.

AND SUSAN TRIED TO MOVE ON.

WELL, I SORT OF STARTED
SEEING SOMEONE.
GOOD FOR YOU.

(indistinct conversations)

EVERY YEAR,
MS. ELENORA BUTTERS

WOULD ASK
HER KINDERGARTEN CLASS

TO DRAW A PICTURE
OF THEIR FAMILIES

WHICH SHE WOULD THEN DISPLAY
ON "MEET THE TEACHER" NIGHT.

THAT'S HOW
TY RICHMOND'S PARENTS

SAW HIS DEPICTION
OF THEIR FIGHTING...

AND AMY HINES' PARENTS

SAW HER PORTRAYAL
OF THEIR DRINKING.

AND JASON MONTE'S PARENTS

SAW HIS ILLUSTRATION
OF THEIR HYGIENE.

YOU SEE, MS. BUTTERS
FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT

FOR PARENTS TO SEE THEMSELVES
THROUGH THEIR CHILDREN'S EYES.

SHE KNEW THE EXPERIENCE...

ED, HE'S GOT ME VACUUMING
IN MY BRA.

DO I DO THAT?
(mouths words)

COULD BE VERY EDUCATIONAL.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

DID I NOT SAY 7:00?
YOU MISSED THEIR LITTLE SHOW.

M.J. WAS TOOTH DECAY.
WELL, CROSSTOWN TRAFFIC
KILLED ME.

AND I TOLD YOU
TO VIDEOTAPE IT.

WELL, DID YOU TELL ME
TO TAKE OFF THE LENS CAP?

NEXT TIME, BE MORE SPECIFIC.
MR. DELFINO, GLAD YOU MADE IT.

UH, DID YOU GET TO SEE
M.J.'s ARTWORK?

NO, NOT YET. CAN'T WAIT.
OH.

(chuckles)
OH, HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

THERE WE ARE,
STANDING IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE.

LOOK WHAT HE DID
WITH MY HAIR.
(laughs)

I KIND OF LIKE THE BANGS.
YEAH, LOOK,
HE PUT A WRENCH IN MY POCKET.

AND SEE HOW BIG MY MUSCLES ARE?
(laughs)
WHICH IS A GOOD THING,

'CAUSE THERE'S A SHARK
ATTACKING THE HOUSE.
(laughs)

HEY, DADDY.

HEY, BUDDY.
YOUR MOMMY AND I

WERE JUST LOOKING
AT YOUR WONDERFUL PAINTING.

YOU LIKE IT?

I LOVE IT, ESPECIALLY HOW BIG
AND STRONG YOU MADE ME LOOK.

THAT'S NOT YOU.
THAT'S JACKSON.

SEE THE PAINTBRUSH
IN HIS POCKET?

OH, WHO'S JACKSON?

HE PAINTS OUR HOUSE...

UNTIL MY MOM MAKES HIM DRINK
WINE AND HAVE A SLEEPOVER.

UH...

(stammering) UH...

BECAUSE...

MIKE AND I ARE DIVORCED,
SO THAT'S WHY...

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A PICTURE OF THE FAMILY,

SO YOU SHOULD'VE
PUT YOUR DADDY IN IT.

I DID.

OH, THE...
THE BUG WITH THE LITTLE HAT?

THAT'S YOU,

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS
SO FAR AWAY.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S, UM...

NOW I SEE ME.

YES... EVERY YEAR,

MS. ELENORA BUTTERS
WOULD ASK HER CLASS

TO DRAW A PICTURE
OF THEIR FAMILIES,

EVEN THOUGH
SHE KNEW THE PORTRAITS...

MIGHT NOT BE THAT FLATTERING.

(doorbell rings)

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY
INTO THE FACES OF YOUR FRIENDS,

YOU'LL SEE IT.

HEY!
HI!

CONGRATULATIONS!
HI!

COME ON IN!

RIGHT BEHIND THEIR SMILES,

YOU WILL SEE
A CERTAIN GREEN-EYED MONSTER,

AND THEN YOU'LL UNDERSTAND

HOW ENVIOUS THEY ARE
OF YOUR WELL-KEPT HOME...

YOUR DELICIOUS RECIPES...

AND YOUR TASTEFUL POSSESSIONS.

HERE'S MY COOKBOOK.

(cheering)
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO WORK HARD
TO SEE THE JEALOUSY,

BECAUSE GOOD FRIENDS
ALWAYS WORK HARD

TO HIDE IT.

LOOK AT YOU,
RIGHT ON THE COVER!

THESE ARE ADVANCED COPIES.

I WANTED YOU TO BE
THE FIRST TO HAVE THEM.

OH, AND LOOK, YOU SIGNED IT--
"TO LYNETTE,

THE SWEETEST, MOST WONDERFUL
FRIEND I'VE EVER KNOWN."

AW. (laughs)

"TO SUSAN,
THE SWEETEST, MOST--"

WE DON'T HAVE TO READ THEM
OUT LOUD.

DON'T MIND ME, LADIES.

I'M JUST GRABBING A KISS ON
MY WAY TO THE SALT MINES. MMM.
OH. MMM. YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY.

THANKS, BABE. OH, DID YOU
SHOW THEM THE AD? YEAH.
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT. UH, BYE.

ISN'T THIS NICE?

THEY'RE RUNNING IT NEXT MONTH
IN "WOMAN'S DAY."

YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MAGAZINES,
TOO?

THEY'VE COME UP WITH
THIS WHOLE MARKETING PLAN--

RADIO, PRINT, BOOK SIGNINGS.

WOW! ISN'T IT FANTASTIC?
NO, IT'S HORRIBLE!

SHE'S GONNA BECOME
THIS FAMOUS AUTHOR

AND HAVE NO TIME AT ALL
FOR US.

NO, COME ON, GABY. YOU KNOW
THAT BREE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
THANK YOU, KATHERINE.

I WILL NEVER BECOME STUCK-UP
AND FULL OF MYSELF.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I SAID YOU'D NEVER CHANGE.

VERY FUNNY.

I HARDLY THINK YOU HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT ME BECOMING FAMOUS.

YOU HAVE A MARKETING PLAN.

YOU WANNA SEE
MY MARKETING PLAN?

"MILK, BREAD,
VODKA, CONDOMS--"

(laughter)

COULD I SEE THAT?
I'D LOVE TO READ IT.
WHY?

WELL, BACK BEFORE I CONSECRATED
MY LIFE TO MOZZARELLA,

MARKETING WAS SORT OF
WHAT I DID.

OH, RIGHT! OF COURSE.

I WOULD, UH,
LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS.

SO YOU'RE STILL GONNA

WANNA HANG OUT WITH US, EVEN
WHEN YOU'RE TOTALLY FABULOUS,

AND WE'RE STILL NOBODIES?

GIRLS, YOU ARE MAKING WAY
TOO MUCH OF THIS.
(cell phone rings)

I AM NOT A BIT MORE FABULOUS
THAN ANY ONE OF YOU.
(ring)

EXCUSE ME.
(beep)

WHAT IS IT, ANDREW?
I HOPE YOU'RE
FREE FOR LUNCH ON THE 12th,

'CAUSE THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE

JUST NAMED YOU
BUSINESSWOMAN OF THE YEAR.

OH, MY GOD!
THAT IS SO AMAZING!

THE, UH, DRY CLEANER
JUST, UM...

FOUND MY SWEATER.

(man) GIRLS,
CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER!

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(beep)

HI.

ORSON, I HAVE AMAZING NEWS.

THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
JUST CALLED.
OH? WHAT ABOUT?

I wanna buy you lunch
and tell you in person.

I WILL BE AT YOUR OFFICE
IN TWO MINUTES.

UH, NO! NO, DON'T COME
TO MY OFFICE.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T HAVE LUNCH
NOW. UM, I'M IN A MEETING.

WELL, I'LL WAIT IN RECEPTION
UNTIL IT'S OVER.

NO, IT'LL TAKE HOURS.

IT'S A VERY URGENT,
HIGH-LEVEL STUFF.

(playing Caribbean music)

(music continues)
WHAT KIND OF MEETING IS IT?

George, hey!

TURN THAT RADIO DOWN!

WHERE ARE YOU?
I TOLD YOU, I'M IN A MEETING.

♪♪♪

I gotta go.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

YES, YOU WILL.

(beep)

MIKE! WHAT'S GOING ON?

DADDY GOT ME A BIKE.

YES, I SEE. AND HERE,

MOMMY THOUGHT WE'D AGREED
TO WAIT TILL YOUR BIRTHDAY.

CRAZY MOMMY.
CAN YOU TEACH ME TO RIDE IT?

NO, NOT TODAY. I GOTTA
GO INSTALL A WATER HEATER.

BUT, UH,
YOU KEEP PRACTICING,

AND THE NEXT AFTERNOON
I HAVE FREE, WE'LL BUST OFF

THOSE TRAINING WHEELS
AND GO KICK UP SOME DIRT. OKAY?
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, MY GOD.
(bicycle bell rings)

THIS IS ABOUT M.J.'s DRAWING,
ISN'T IT?

WHAT?

HE DOES NOT LOVE JACKSON
MORE THAN YOU.

HE KNOWS WHO HIS FATHER IS.
I KNOW THAT.

CAN'T A GUY GET HIS KID A BIKE
WITHOUT BEING PSYCHOANALYZED?

SO YOU'RE TOTALLY FINE
WITH THAT DRAWING?

WELL, I WON'T GO STICKING IT
ON MY FRIDGE ANYTIME SOON,

BUT YEAH.
(shuts truck gate)

LOOK, I'M GLAD YOU'RE DATING
A NICE GUY.
(car approaching)

I'M GLAD HE LIKES MY KID,
AND MY KID LIKES HIM.

HERE'S A BIKE.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.

HEY, GUYS.

JACKSON,
LOOK AT MY NEW BIKE!

PRETTY COOL.

(Susan chuckles)

(Mike) UH, THAT'S A CUSTOM
TITANIUM FRAME.

MAKE SURE M.J. KNOWS THAT.

(man on TV) SO, WENDY,
I GOTTA KNOW ABOUT THE WEATHER.

MOMMY,
CAN BETHANY GO HOME NOW?

HONEY, SHE'S ONLY BEEN HERE
20 MINUTES.

WE INVITED HER OVER TO PLAY,
SO GO PLAY.

BUT ALL SHE DOES IS SPIN.

(woman) ...SOMEWHAT ACROSS
THE REACH OF THE STATE,

KNOCKING TEMPERATURES DOWN
I WOULD SAY A FEW DEGREES...

HONEY, WE WANT BETHANY
TO BE OUR FRIEND,

SO IF SHE WANTS TO SPIN,
JUST SUCK IT UP AND SPIN.

(woman speaking indistinctly
on TV)

WHY ARE YOU SHOVING THAT LITTLE
WEIRDO DOWN JUANITA'S THROAT?

THAT LITTLE WEIRDO IS THE KEY
TO YOU AND I HAVING MORE SEX.

(laughter)

I KNOW I SHOULD ASK
A FEW QUESTIONS, BUT I'M IN.

BETHANY'S MOM HOSTS
A WEEKLY PLAYDATE.

I'M TRYING TO GET JUANITA
AN INVITATION.

HOW DOES THAT LEAD TO
QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR BOOBS?

CARLOS, THE ONLY TIME
YOU AND I HAVE TO OURSELVES

IS LATE AT NIGHT, BUT BY
THAT TIME, WE'RE TOO EXHAUSTED.

AND NOW THAT WE HAVE CELIA
IN AFTERNOON PRESCHOOL,

ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS UNLOAD JUANITA,

AND THEN WE CAN GET BACK
TO DOING THE NASTY.

THIS DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

I MEAN, DUMPING OUR KID OFF
ON SOME UNSUSPECTING WOMAN

SO THAT WE CAN HAVE SEX?

WAKE UP! PLAYDATES WERE
INVENTED BY MOTHERS

FOR THIS EXACT PURPOSE.

SHOPPING, SEX,
DRINKING IN THE AFTERNOON--

PLAYDATES MAKE
ALL THESE THINGS POSSIBLE.

I-I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL BAD MAKING MY KID
PLAY WITH SOMEONE

THAT SHE OBVIOUSLY
DOESN'T LIKE.

BETHANY'S MOM WILL TAKE JUANITA
ONCE A WEEK FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS.

THAT IS SEX AND A NAP.

JUANITA!

I DON'T HEAR YOU SPINNING!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU SAID
THE JOB WAS GOING SO WELL.

IT WAS.
THEN THREE WEEKS AGO,

MY PAROLE OFFICER
LEFT ME A MESSAGE AT WORK.

THAT'S WHEN THEY FOUND OUT
I LIED ON MY APPLICATION

WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T HAVE
A CRIMINAL RECORD.

SO YOU'VE BEEN PRETENDING
TO GO TO WORK FOR THREE WEEKS?

I KNOW YOU'RE ANGRY.

HONEY...

I'M NOT ANGRY.

I'M HURT THAT YOU DIDN'T FEEL
LIKE YOU COULD TELL ME.

I WAS EMBARRASSED.

BREE, WHEN WE MARRIED,
I WAS THE BREADWINNER.

NOW YOU--YOU HAVE YOUR COMPANY
AND YOU HAVE YOUR BOOK.

I-I'M A FELON
WHO CAN'T HOLD ON TO A JOB.

ORSON, WE'RE PARTNERS.
WE SHARE EVERYTHING.

ANY SUCCESS I HAVE

IS JUST AS MUCH YOURS
AS IT IS MINE.

THANK YOU, DARLING.

SO...
(pats leg)

WHY DID
THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE CALL?

APPARENTLY, WE'VE BEEN NAMED
BUSINESSWOMAN OF THE YEAR.

(playing Jimi Hendrix's
"Voodoo Child (Slight Return)")

IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH?!

♪♪♪

YAH! WHOO!

WOW!
YOU'D BE KILLER IN OUR BAND.

I MEAN, WOULDN'T HE
BE KILLER, DAVE?
UH, DONALD, WHY DON'T YOU
LET US TALK IT OVER,

AND WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU?
NO PROBLEM.

I HAVE TO GET BACK
TO THE OFFICE ANYWAY.

QUARTERLY TAX TIME
HAS GOT ME SWAMPED.
WELL, WE'LL--WE'LL DEFINITELY
CALL YOU TODAY.

THANKS, GENTLEMEN.

(laughs)

DON'T YOU THINK
HE CRUSHED IT?

HE WAS GOOD...
YOU KNOW, TECHNICALLY.

HE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE HEART.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN HE PLAYED "VOODOO CHILD,"
IT WAS LIKE HENDRIX HAS RISEN.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT MIKE? I THOUGHT
THAT'S WHO WE WERE GONNA GET.

WELL, I ASKED,
BUT HE SAID HE'S TOO BUSY.

TOO BUSY TO LIVE A LITTLE?
NOT GONNA FLY.

CALL HIM. GIVE HIM MY NUMBER.
I'LL TALK TO HIM.
OKAY, SURE.
BUT--BUT WHAT ABOUT DONALD?

I MEAN, 'CAUSE IF WE DON'T
GET MIKE, I WANNA MAKE S--

TOM, DONALD'S OUT,
ALL RIGHT?

(slaps arm)

HAVE MIKE CALL ME.

WHOO!

WHAT A REHEARSAL.

(laughs) DAVE AND I
WERE SMOKIN'.

(mouthing words)
DID YOU HEAR US?

LYNETTE?

LYNETTE.

I'M SORRY. WHAT?

NEVER MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?
WHAT, IS THIS BREE'S AD STUFF?

OH, GOD, NO.
HER AGENCY REALLY WHIFFED...
HMM?

SO I'M COMING UP WITH
A WHOLE NEW CAMPAIGN.

I WAS LOOKING
THROUGH MY OLD PORTFOLIO

FOR INSPIRATION.
MM-HMM. (chuckles)

OH! I REMEMBER THIS ONE.

"FEET? MEET YOUR NEW
BEST FRIENDS." IT WAS A CLASSIC.
(laughs)

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE
I LOOKED THROUGH THIS STUFF.

I'D FORGOTTEN I WAS...
KINDA GREAT.

YOU WERE AWESOME!

I MEAN, COME ON.
HOW LUCKY IS BREE

TO HAVE A NEIGHBOR THAT USED
TO BE A BIG ADVERTISING HOTSHOT?

WELL,
MAYBE I'M THE LUCKY ONE.

THIS COULD BE
A PERFECT WAY FOR ME

TO STICK MY TOE
BACK IN THE BUSINESS.

NOTHING BIG, MAYBE JUST
PICK UP SOME FREELANCE WORK.

BUT, HONEY, IF YOU DO THAT,
WHERE YOU GONNA FIND THE TIME

FOR THE FAMILY
AND THE RESTAURANT?
WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS THE SAME PLACE THAT YOU
FIND TIME FOR YOUR GARAGE BAND.

LYNETTE, I'M JUST SAYING
THAT IF--IF YOU...
(grunts)

(fizz)

OKAY, I DROPPED OFF CELIA
AT PRESCHOOL,

AND JUANITA'S AT HER PLAYDATE.

DROP TROU.
(Carlos sighs)

WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON
THAT SEXY RED TEDDY?

CAN I ASK WHY?
I MEAN, YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

YEAH, BUT I CAN FEEL IT,

AND I LOVE THE SENSATION
OF SLIDING SILK OFF YOUR BODY.

OH.

WHAT'S IT LIKE, CARLOS?

WHAT?

SEX AS A BLIND MAN.

I MEAN, YOU USED TO BE
SO VISUAL.

IS IT STILL AS GOOD?

OH, IT'S BETTER.

I MEAN, HAVING TO RELY ON

YOUR SENSES OF TOUCH
AND TASTE AND SMELL...

IT'S ACTUALLY
WAY MORE INTENSE.

REALLY?
(sighs) YOU'RE SO LUCKY.

WHAT, YOU WANT BLIND SEX?

I THINK I CAN ARRANGE THAT.

HEY THERE.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
JOB INTERVIEW WENT WELL.

NOPE.
THEY TURNED ME DOWN FLAT.

AW.
BUT AS I WAS DRIVING HOME,
IT SUDDENLY HIT ME.

I MAY BE PERSONA NON GRATA
AT EVERY COMPANY IN THIS TOWN,

BUT THERE'S AT LEAST
ONE EMPLOYER I KNOW

WHO WOULD LOVE TO HIRE ME.

OH. WHO?

YOU.

YOU WANNA WORK HERE?

WHY NOT?

I'M GREAT WITH FOOD.
I UNDERSTAND BUSINESS.

I CAN'T BEAT THE COMMUTE.

WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY
AN INTRIGUING NOTION.

BUT WOULDN'T IT BE AWKWARD
HAVING ME AS YOUR BOSS?

ABSOLUTELY.

BUT AS YOU SAID
IN THE PARK,

WE SHARE EVERYTHING.

SO I WOULD BE
MORE OF A... PARTNER.

(Bree) PARTNERS? OH.

WELL--
BREE, WOULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THIS ARRANGEMENT?

JUST GIVE ME A SEC.

I THINK THE LILIES
NEED THEIR OWN VASE.

(lowers voice)
IF YOU HIRE HIM,

I WILL CUT YOU
WITH THESE SCISSORS!

I DON'T THINK
WE NEED TO DO THAT.

(normal voice) I THINK THEY'RE
CROWDING THE IRISES OUT.

(lowers voice) JUST LIKE
HE'S TRYING TO CROWD ME OUT.

YOU ALREADY HAVE A PARTNER,
REMEMBER?

OH, WELL, I THINK
THE IRISES AND THE LILIES

COULD WORK TOGETHER.
(normal voice) NOPE.
ONE OF THEM HAS TO GO.

IF I MAY OFFER AN OPINION--
NOT A GOOD TIME, ORSON.

(lowers voice)
TELL HIM NOW,

OR I WILL WALK.

ORSON, YOU REALLY DON'T
WANNA WORK WITH ME.

I MEAN, YOU ONLY SEE ME
AT HOME.

BUT AT WORK, WHEN THE PRESSURE'S
ON, I CAN BE A BIT OF A HANDFUL.

KATHERINE'S SEEN HOW I GET.
OH, YES.
BITCHY, TYRANNICAL, SHRILL--

HE GETS IT, DEAR.

HONEY, YOU'RE MY PARTNER
IN LIFE.

BUT IF WE WANT
TO KEEP IT THAT WAY,

WE SHOULDN'T MIX MARRIAGE
AND BUSINESS.

BUT NO ONE ELSE
WILL HIRE ME.

WELL, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN LOOKING
FOR A FEW WEEKS.

I MEAN, GIVE IT ANOTHER...
SAY, MONTH OR TWO,

AND IF YOU STILL HAVEN'T
FOUND ANYTHING,

THEN WE'LL REVISIT THE IDEA.
OKAY?

OKAY.

IT WAS JUST A THOUGHT.

(opens door)

OH! (panting)
(sighs)

OH, SO WHAT'D YOU THINK?

OH, MY GOD,
YOU WERE RIGHT.

BLIND SEX IS INCREDIBLE.

(groans) AHH, GIVE ME TEN MORE
MINUTES AND AN ENERGY BAR,

AND WE CAN GO ONE MORE TIME.
(laughs)
(laughs)

(slurping)

NO, I THINK WE'RE DONE.

WHAT?

(Gabrielle) HONEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT BETHANY'S.

I GOT A TUMMYACHE.
HER MOM BROUGHT ME BACK.

OH.

WELL, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN STANDING THERE?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT WERE YOU TWO DOING?

UM, WE WERE, UH...

WE WERE WRESTLING.
WRESTLING.

DID DADDY HURT YOU?
YOU WERE MAKING LOUD NOISES.

NO! NO, THAT WASN'T REAL.

SOMETIMES I FAKE IT
WHEN I WRESTLE WITH DADDY.

PLEASE DON'T WRESTLE
WITH MOMMY.

YOU'RE TOO BIG.
YOU COULD HURT HER.

YEAH, CARLOS, STOP THAT.

OKAY, GO TO YOUR ROOM,

AND I'M GONNA BRING YOU
SOMETHING FOR YOUR TUMMY.

(exhales deeply)
I THINK SHE BOUGHT IT.

YOU MEAN THE STORY
OF HOW DADDY BEATS UP MOMMY?

RELAX. I TOLD HER I WAS FINE.
LOOK, I COULD HEAR
THE WORRY IN HER VOICE.

WHY DON'T WE JUST
TELL HER THE TRUTH?

WHAT, THAT SOMETIMES
MOMMY RIDES DADDY

LIKE A MECHANICAL BULL
TO GET JEWELRY?

SHE'S 5. SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO
UNDERSTAND EITHER HALF OF THAT.
IT'S THE FACTS OF LIFE.

SHE'S GONNA LEARN 'EM
EVENTUALLY,

AND IT'S THE MOST NATURAL THING
IN THE WORLD.

CARLOS, IF SHE WAS
STANDING THERE

ANY LONGER
THAN FIVE MINUTES,

THERE WAS NOTHING NATURAL
ABOUT WHAT SHE SAW.

BY THE WAY,
THANK YOU FOR THAT.

(telephone rings)

(ring)

(beep)
HELLO?

HEY, IT'S ME. LISTEN,

I've got some free time,

SO I THOUGHT I'D COME OVER

and teach M.J.
how to ride his new bike.
GREAT.
HE'S SO EXCITED TO LEARN.

ARE YOU SURE HE'S READY
TO GO WITHOUT TRAINING WHEELS?

Oh, he'll probably
have to take a few spills,

BUT LUCKILY, HE'LL HAVE HIS
OLD MAN THERE TO PICK HIM UP.

YEAH. HE'S BEEN ASKING
WHEN YOU'RE COMING.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL HIM.
I KNOW HE'LL BE JUST...

ALL RIGHT!

AAH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

SPIDER. BIG ONE. GOTTA GO!
(beep)

MOMMY, LOOK,
NO TRAINING WHEELS.

I KNOW! YOU DID GREAT!

JACKSON, CAN I SEE YOU A SEC?

THAT WAS AMAZING!
HE LEARNED SO FAST.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED?
MIKE IS ON HIS WAY OVER HERE

TO TEACH HIS SON HOW
TO RIDE THE BIKE HE BOUGHT--

SOMETHING HE WAS LOOKING
FORWARD TO UNTIL YOU RUINED IT.

W-WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME THAT?
I DIDN'T KNOW

I HAD TO TELL YOU NOT TO STEAL
A FATHER'S PRECIOUS MOMENT.

M.J.--HE JUST KEPT ASKING ME.
HE--HE MADE ME DO IT.
YOU COULD'VE WALKED AWAY.

NO, I COULDN'T!

HE SAID, "PWEASE!"

DAMN IT.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE GRAPHIC WORKS JUST AS WELL

ON A FREE-STANDING
DISPLAY UNIT. NEAT, HUH?

GOODNESS, LYNETTE.

WHEN YOU OFFERED TO SHARE
YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY CAMPAIGN,

I WASN'T EXPECTING ANYTHING
QUITE SO... ELABORATE.

WELL, WHO KNEW YOUR MARKETING
GUYS WERE SUCH LAME-OS?

WHAT THEY CAME UP WITH
IS SO...

TEPID.

UM, I THINK "UNDERSTATED"
WAS WHAT THEY WERE GOING FOR.

WELL, THEY OVERSHOT
AND WOUND UP IN "BLAND,"

RIGHT ON THE BORDER
OF "SUCKY."

YOU NEED TO GRAB YOUR AUDIENCE,
JUST GRAB 'EM.

I'VE GONE FOR JAZZIER COLORS,

BOLDER FONTS.

OH, I HAVE REALLY PLAYED UP
THE WHOLE NOSTALGIA ANGLE.

(sighs)

"LET MRS. VAN DE KAMP

TURN YOUR OVEN
INTO A TIME MACHINE."

I SEE WOMEN
REALLY RESPONDING TO THAT.

DO YOU?

BECAUSE I SEE CHILDREN

CRAWLING INTO OVENS,
HOPING TO SEE DINOSAURS.

OH.

OKAY. WELL...

I'VE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH
OF ALTERNATIVES.

OH, LYNETTE, I APPRECIATE
EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.

BUT I'VE ACTUALLY APPROVED
THE OLD CAMPAIGN,

AND I CAN'T JUST TELL THEM
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
I'LL BE THE BAD GUY.

JUST TELL 'EM
YOU'VE HIRED ME,

AND I'LL GO IN THERE, SIX-GUNS
ABLAZING. (imitates gunshots)

SO... DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

JUST GIVE ME THE WORD.

NO.

NO?

SORRY, BUT I PREFER
THEIR CAMPAIGN.

BUT MINE IS BETTER.

WELL, YOU'RE... ENTITLED
TO THINK SO, BUT I DON'T.

LOOK, BREE...
(laughs nervously)

I THINK I KNOW A LITTLE MORE
ABOUT MARKETING THAN YOU DO.

WHEN I WAS IN IT,
I OWNED THIS TOWN.

I HAD EVERY BIG ACCOUNT.

HELL, I WAS EVEN NAMED
BUSINESSWOMAN OF THE YEAR.

OH. WELL, I'M FAMILIAR
WITH THAT AWARD.

IN FACT,
I'M THIS YEAR'S RECIPIENT.

REALLY?
YES.

THERE'S A LUNCHEON ON THE 12th.
I DO HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT.
OH.

MWAH!

BY THE WAY,

YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT THOSE COLORS.

VERY... JAZZY.

(chuckles nervously)

COME ON, M.J.
YOUR DADDY'S WAITING.

MOMMY,
I DON'T WANNA FALL.

OH, HONEY.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU LIKE
TO PUSH THE BUTTON

WHEN WE GO ON THE ELEVATOR,

AND IF SOMEBODY ELSE PUSHES IT
FIRST, IT MAKES YOU SAD?
BUT I DON'T WANNA FALL.

JUST LISTEN. DADDY REALLY
WANTED TO BE THE ONE

TO TEACH YOU TO RIDE YOUR BIKE,
AND IF YOU CAN ALREADY DO IT,

IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM SAD.

SO JUST LET DADDY
PUSH THE BUTTON. UNDERSTAND?

OH, MAN.

(laughs)

WOW, HE'S REALLY
PICKING IT UP FAST.

YEAH. I THINK IT'S JUST
BEGINNER'S LUCK.
UH-HUH.

ARE YOU SURE
HE HASN'T BEEN PRACTICING?
NO. HE WAS ABSOLUTELY
WAITING FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M GONNA
GO CHECK HIS HELMET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE NEW AT IT.
I DON'T WANT TO FALL.
I'M SCARED.

OH! OF WHAT?
YOU'RE 3 INCHES OFF THE GROUND.

YOU'RE COMPLETELY PADDED.
SO JUST DO WHAT I SAY--

WOBBLE, WOBBLE.
"DADDY, LOOK AT ME!" CRASH.

BOY...

HE WAS JUST TELLING ME

HOW GLAD HE IS
TO HAVE HIS DAD HERE. (laughs)
REALLY?

'CAUSE I ALMOST FEEL LIKE
HE DOESN'T EVEN NEED ME.
OH, THAT'S JUST SILLY.

(bicycle bell rings)

OH!

WHOOPS-A-DAISY! OH, IT'S
A GOOD THING YOUR DAD'S HERE

TO TEACH YOU
HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.
OH, LOOKING GOOD, BUDDY,
BUT REMEMBER,

WHEN YOU STOP, YOU GOTTA
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN FIRST.

OKAY?
OW!

OH, WHAT, DOES THAT HURT
RIGHT THERE, BUDDY?
OH, HE'S FINE.

NO, MOMMY. IT HURTS.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
OH, WILL YOU STOP?

THE DOCTOR SAID
IT WAS JUST A SPRAIN.

I KNOW, BUT STILL,
I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUSHED IT.

YOU KNOW, WHY LOOK FOR BLAME?
KIDS FALL.

IF YOU HAVE TO FIND FAULT,

BLAME THE PAVEMENT,
NOT YOURSELF...

OR ME.

MOMMY!

HE SHOULD HAVE HIS PITCHING ARM
BACK IN NO TIME.

OH, THANK YOU.
BUT I DID WANNA ASK--M.J. SAID
THAT HE FELL ON PURPOSE,

SOMETHING
ABOUT YOU TELLING HIM

TO "LET DADDY PUSH
THE ELEVATOR BUTTON"?

YOU TOLD HIM TO FALL?

REMEMBER, IT'S THE PAVEMENT
YOU'RE MAD AT.

WHAT THE HELL, SUSAN? WHY WOULD
YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

JACKSON TAUGHT HIM
TO RIDE THE BIKE.

JACKSON.

WHO'S JACKSON?

HE DOES SLEEPOVERS
WITH MOMMY.

THEY DRINK LOTS OF WINE.

HEY, DOC. UH, DON'T YOU HAND OUT
LOLLIPOPS TO BRAVE LITTLE BOYS?

I'M SORRY. M.J. WAS
EXCITED ABOUT THE BIKE,

SO JACKSON TOOK OFF
THE TRAINING WHEELS

AND TAUGHT HIM.
HE DIDN'T KNOW.

HE DIDN'T KNOW
I'D WANNA BE THE ONE

TO TEACH MY OWN KID
HOW TO RIDE A BIKE?
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS NOT
JACKSON'S FAULT.

YOU CAN'T
GIVE A 5-YEAR-OLD A BIKE

AND EXPECT HIM TO WAIT
TO RIDE IT UNTIL YOU HAVE TIME.

(sighs)

YOU KNOW, THIS IS
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE DIVORCED.

IT MEANS THAT SOMETIMES
YOU WON'T BE THERE.

I KNOW.

IT'S...

JUST HARDER

THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

WELL, IT'S HARD FOR ME,
TOO.

I MISS THINGS
WHEN HE'S WITH YOU.

AND I...

AM TRYING TO COME TO TERMS
WITH MY GUILT, BECAUSE...

I HAVE TO.

SO DO YOU.

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE
YOU CAN DO.

(sighs)

(door shuts)

HAS MIKE CALLED?

HI, HONEY. YOU'RE HOME.

SORRY, HON.

HI.

SO DID HE CALL?

NO.

HEY, LISTEN TO THIS.

MRS. HUDSON'S
PUTTING HER HOUSE UP FOR SALE.

I THINK WE SHOULD BUY IT.

WHY?

AS AN INVESTMENT.
I-I MEAN, IT'S FANTASTIC.

MY FRIEND MARY ALICE BLEW
HER BRAINS OUT IN THIS HOUSE,

AND ALL I'D HAVE TO DO
IS LET THAT SLIP,

AND WE'D GET IT FOR A SONG.
YEAH. I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, WHY NOT?
WE'LL RENT IT OUT.

WE COULD MAKE
SOME SERIOUS MONEY.
LAST THING I WANNA BE
IS A LANDLORD,

GET A PHONE CALL EVERY TIME
A TOILET OVERFLOWS.

THAT'S WHY WE HIRE
A MANAGEMENT COMPANY--
DAMN IT, EDIE, I SAID NO!

WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY. I JUST GOT
A LOT ON MY MIND.

I'M SORRY.

(grunts)

(pills rattling)

(children shouting in distance)

HI, BETHANY.

I'M HERE TO PICK UP JUANITA.
IS SHE AROUND?

BOYS HAVE SPERM.

EXCUSE ME?

WE NEED TO TALK.

SO APPARENTLY, AFTER WE HAD
OUR LITTLE CHAT WITH JUANITA,

SHE WENT STRAIGHT TO BETHANY

AND PASSED ON THE FACTS OF LIFE
IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.

WELL, DID YOU EXPLAIN TO PEGGY
WHY WE HAD THE LITTLE CHAT?
SHE DIDN'T WANNA HEAR IT,

NOT WITH BETHANY
RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE,

SCREAMING "INTERCOURSE!"
AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.

(sighs)
SO WE'RE OUT OF THE PLAYDATE?
OH, YEAH. WAY OUT.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S BACK
TO THE OLD SCHEDULE

OF TEN MINUTES OF
GROPE 'N SNORE AT MIDNIGHT.

I'M NOT GOING BACK, CARLOS.
I CAN'T.

IF JUANITA DOESN'T GET
HER PLAYDATE,

YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOURS.
FINE. I WILL FIX IT.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY

PEGGY'S MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS.

SPERM!

JUANITA! STOP TALKING
TO YOUR SISTER!

ORSON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THE GUEST BEDROOM?

OH, I COULDN'T SLEEP.

YOU WERE SNORING
TOO LOUDLY.

ME? SNORING?

MM, LIKE A DONKEY
WITH A HEAD COLD.

HONEY, I DON'T SNORE.

OH, YOU CAN'T ALWAYS
HEAR YOURSELF.

BUT I HEAR YOU...

LOUD AND CLEAR.

OH, FOR HEAVEN SAKES,
COME BACK TO BED.

(sighs) NO.

I'M GOOD HERE.

(click)

HEY, MIKE. DAVE WILLIAMS.

LOOK, HATE TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT I GOT A BUSTED PIPE
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.

PROBABLY SOME KIDS
PLAYING A PRANK.
NO PROBLEM.

I'M ACROSS TOWN
FINISHING UP ON ANOTHER JOB.

SO DEPENDING ON TRAFFIC,
GIVE ME... SAY AN HOUR?
OH, THANKS.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

(beep)

(grunts)

SO WHEN JUANITA THOUGHT THAT
I MIGHT BE HURTING HER MOTHER,

WE DECIDED IT WAS BEST
THAT SHE KNEW THE TRUTH.

IT JUST SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT
THING TO DO AT THE TIME.

SEE, HONEY?

I-I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE
A RATIONAL EXPLANATION.

WELL...

I GUESS
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

YOU DIDN'T HAVE
ANY OTHER CHOICE.

(sighs and chuckles nervously)

SO... DO YOU THINK
THERE'S ANY CHANCE

JUANITA COULD REJOIN
YOUR PLAYDATE?
WE'VE TALKED TO HER.

SHE WILL NEVER DISCUSS SEX
EVER AGAIN.

NOT IF SHE WANTS TO SEE
HER FAVORITE DOLLY ALIVE.

(under breath) GABY,
WE DON'T NEED TO LET THEM KNOW

ALL OF
OUR PARENTING SECRETS.

I... THINK THAT'D BE OKAY.

I PROBABLY OVERREACTED.

WE JUST WANNA KEEP BETHANY'S
INNOCENCE AS LONG AS WE CAN.

OH, WE TOTALLY AGREE.

KIDS ARE FORCED TO GROW UP
WAY TOO FAST THESE DAYS.
NO KIDDING.

I WANT MY GIRLS TO BELIEVE IN
SANTA CLAUS AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT SOON
ENOUGH THAT IT'S ALL A LIE.
(laughs)

(Bethany) WHAT?

THERE'S NO SANTA CLAUS?!

(sobbing)

SO...

NEXT PLAYDATE'S
MONDAY AT 1:00?

WOW, WHOEVER DID THIS
REALLY WENT TO TOWN.

(laughs) YEAH, I KNOW.
DAMN KIDS.

BY THE WAY,

DID YOU PUT ANY MORE THOUGHT
INTO JOINING THE BAND?

OH, MAN. I'M SORRY. I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO GET BACK TO YOU.

I APPRECIATE THE OFFER,

BUT I'M REALLY
STRETCHED THIN THESE DAYS.

OH, COME ON. EVERY MAN'S
GOT TIME FOR A LITTLE MUSIC.

BELIEVE ME, I'D LOVE TO PLAY
WITH YOU GUYS,

BUT, UH, I LIVE 30 MINUTES
AWAY--AN HOUR IN TRAFFIC.

WHATEVER TIME
I'VE GOT LEFT'S FOR MY SON.
YEAH, I HEAR YA.

HEY, YOU EVER LOOK INTO
LIVING A LITTLE CLOSER BY?

(laughs) WITH THE RENT PRICES
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?

I MIGHT PLAY GUITAR
LIKE A ROCK STAR,

BUT I DON'T EARN LIKE ONE.
(laughs) YEAH. SORRY.

I WASN'T THINKING.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

UH, APPRECIATE YOU
TRYING TO HELP.

BELIEVE ME,
I WISH I COULD DO MORE.

(indistinct conversations)

I'VE NEVER SEEN BREE
SO HAPPY. SHE'S GLOWING.

SHE WON'T BE GLOWING
WHEN THAT AGENCY SINKS HER BOOK.
(scoffs) LYNETTE...

I'M TELLING YOU, THE ONLY THING
STALER THAN THAT AD CAMPAIGN

IS THIS DINNER ROLL.
YEAH, AND THE WATER WAS
AS FLAT AS THE AD CAMPAIGN.

YOUR MARTINI WAS AS DRY
AS THE AD CAMPAIGN. LET IT GO.

HI, EVERYBODY!
YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?
HI!

HEY, BEAUTIFUL!

UM ,THIS IS--
STU!

LYNETTE SCAVO.
I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT BE YOU.
HEY!

HEY.

EVERYONE, THIS IS
MY OLD ASSISTANT,

STU, UM... DURBER. (laughs)
DURBER.

HEY!
WELL, THIS WAS ONE GREAT GUY.

HE WOULD SCHLEP
ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN

JUST TO GET ME
MY CHINESE FOOD.

SO...

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

ACTUALLY, STU'S COMPANY
IS DOING ALL MY ADVERTISING.

YOUR COMPANY?
YOU HAVE A COMPANY?

THREE YEARS NOW.
HUH.

HOW ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU STILL
AT, UH, PARCHER & MURPHY?

NO, I... ALSO WENT
INTO BUSINESS FOR MYSELF.

HER PLACE MAKES
THE BEST PIZZA IN TOWN.

YOU OWN A PIZZERIA?

WELL,
IT'S REALLY MY HUSBAND'S.

AND I'M STILL DOING
SOME FREELANCE STUFF.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT. YOU KNOW,
WE'RE ALWAYS WORKING LATE.
MM-HMM. OH.

GIVE ME YOUR CARD.
WE'LL ORDER FROM YOU SOME NIGHT.
OH.

YOU KNOW, OF COURSE,
WE'RE ACROSS TOWN,

SO IT MAY BE A BIT
OF A SCHLEP.
OH! (laughs)

IT WAS GREAT CATCHING UP,
LYNETTE.
YEAH.

BREE, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO SOME PEOPLE.
YEAH, MM. GREAT.

(chuckles)
THERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

WHY? LOOKING FOR A REASON
TO SCREAM AT ME?

YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WAS AWFUL THE OTHER DAY.

HOW ABOUT
I MAKE IT UP TO YOU

BY BUYING YOU
MRS. HUDSON'S HOUSE?

SERIOUSLY?
WELL, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
AND I AGREE.

IT'S A GOOD
INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY.

OH! THANK YOU!
(making kissing sounds)

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

AND I PROMISE THAT WE'LL RENT
THAT PLACE OUT FOR TOP DOLLAR.

OH, I'M NOT WORRIED
ABOUT THAT.

BUT FIRST...
I WANT TO DO SOMEONE A FAVOR.
(fizz)

(cell phone rings)

(beep)
HI.

WHERE ARE YOU?
IT'S AFTER 2:00.

I'M GETTING READY
FOR MY JOB INTERVIEW.

OH, THAT'S NOT UNTIL 4:00.

I'M READING
THE COMPANY'S ANNUAL REPORTS.

I WANT TO BE PREPARED.

OH, HONEY.
EVERYBODY'S ASKING ABOUT YOU.

I WANT YOU TO BE HERE.
IT'S MY BIG DAY.

WELL...

ENJOY IT.

YOU'VE EARNED IT.

(beep)

OOH!

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS TASTES LIKE?
MORE.

IT WOULD SEEM

SOMEBODY'S TAKING THEIR
DESIGNATED DRIVER POSITION...

(whispers) A LITTLE LIGHTLY.
(Lynette) STU?

STU IS DOING
BREE'S AD CAMPAIGN?

I RODE IN HIS HATCHBACK ONCE.

IT SMELLED LIKE MU SHU.

I GOTTA WARN HER.
OH, WAIT! NO, HONEY.

WHY DON'T YOU WAIT
TILL AFTER THE CEREMONY?

YEAH, JUST UNTIL YOU CAN BLINK
BOTH EYES AT THE SAME TIME.

GUYS, I AM JUST GONNA OFFER
HER A LITTLE ADVICE. GEESH.

(splatters)
(gasps)

OH!
(gasps)

WHOOP. STILL WAITING.

(Stu) THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THE INTERNET IS THAT

WITH A MINIMAL INVESTMENT,
YOU ACTUALLY CAN REACH

ALL YOUR SPECIFIC
TARGET AUDIENCE--
COUPONS.

COUPONS?

DO A CROSS-PROMOTION WITH SOME
OF THE MAJOR FOOD COMPANIES.

KNOCK OFF 20%

ON SOME OF THE ITEMS
FEATURED IN YOUR RECIPES,

THEN THEY DO THE SAME

TOWARDS THE PURCHASE
OF YOUR COOKBOOK.

YEAH, OUR RESEARCH SHOWS,
YOU KNOW,

PEOPLE AREN'T SO HOT
ON GIMMICKS--
ZIP IT, STEWIE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US,
PLEASE?

(lowers voice)
LYNETTE, YOU'RE DRUNK.

(lowers voice)
YEAH, THAT'S IMMATERIAL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE COUPONS?

LYNETTE, I AM REALLY NOT ABLE
TO DEAL WITH THAT RIGHT NOW.

OH. I KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR BOOK
AND--AND YOUR BIG FANCY AWARD,

AND I'M JUST A HOUSEWIFE.

I NEVER SAID THAT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I HAD
A HIGH-POWERED CAREER,

AND YOU WERE JUST A HOUSEWIFE,
I NEVER LOOKED DOWN ON YOU.

IF YOU COULD ALL PLEASE
TAKE YOUR SEATS,

IT'S TIME
TO PRESENT OUR AWARD.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW.

FINE. AND DON'T WORRY.

EVEN THOUGH I'D LIKE TO, I'M NOT
GONNA MAKE SOME BIG, UGLY SCENE.

(alarm blaring, guests gasp)

(alarm continues blaring,
door shuts)

HI.

HEY. I, UM,
I BOUGHT M.J. SOME STILTS,

THOUGHT I'D TEACH HIM
HOW TO USE 'EM.

HAR HAR. UH, ACTUALLY, HE'S AT
JUANITA'S WATCHING A DVD.

DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL HIM?

NO. NO, IT'S COOL. I JUST WANTED
TO TELL HIM ABOUT MY NEW PLACE.

(sighs)
YOU'RE MOVING AGAIN?

HOW FAR
ARE YOU GONNA BE AWAY NOW?

THE HUDSON HOUSE?
YEAH, SHE SOLD IT.

AND EDIE TOLD ME THE NEW OWNER
WANTS TO RENT IT,

SO NOW I'LL HAVE
A FIGHTING CHANCE

OF BEING AROUND
WHEN M.J. HITS HIS MILESTONES.

IS THIS OKAY WITH YOU?

(chuckles)

YEAH. IT'S GREAT.

UH, WE'LL BE LIKE...

ONE BIG, HAPPY,
DIVORCED FAMILY.

YOU SURE?

IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.

I--I BUT, YOU KNOW,
M.J. WILL BE THRILLED, AND...

YEAH, I'M FINE WITH IT.

GOOD.

SO, UM...

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND,
NEIGHBOR.

(chuckles)

I STILL THINK IT'S STRANGE

YOU WON'T LET ME TELL MIKE
THAT WE'RE THE NEW OWNERS.

WELL, THE MAN'S GOT
A LOT OF PRIDE.

I WANT HIM TO FEEL LIKE I'M
HIS NEIGHBOR, NOT HIS LANDLORD.

LANDLORD? HELL, WITH THE RENT
WE'RE CHARGING HIM,

YOU'RE HIS FAIRY GODMOTHER.

ALL RIGHT, CONSIDER IT
AN INVESTMENT IN GOOD KARMA.
SCREW KARMA.

I FINALLY DO SOMETHING NICE
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND I CAN'T EVEN
BRAG ABOUT IT?

THE MAN WHO IS SILENT
IN HIS GOOD DEEDS

IS THE MAN WHO REAPS
THE GREATEST REWARD.

(knock on door)

HEY.

HI.

SO...

GIVE ME SOME GUIDANCE.

DO I GROVEL, SEND FLOWERS,
OR...

JUST MOVE?

I'M NOT ANGRY WITH YOU.

I'M JUST SORRY
THAT YOU FELT SO--

DRUNK? JEALOUS?

(scoffs) YOU HAVE NOTHING
TO BE JEALOUS OF.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

YOU ARE HAVING
THE KIND OF SUCCESS

I ONLY DREAMED OF
BACK IN MY AD DAYS.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I LOOK DOWN ON YOU.

NO. BUT WATCHING YOU,
I LOOK DOWN ON ME.

WHEN I HELD YOUR BOOK
IN MY HANDS,

I FELT SO JEALOUS
MY STOMACH HURT.

AND I THOUGHT, IF I COULD
JUST HITCH A RIDE,

HAVE A PIECE OF IT,

I WOULDN'T FEEL SO BAD
ABOUT YOUR SUCCESS.

FOR GOD SAKES, LYNETTE,
STOP CALLING ME A SUCCESS.

THERE'S NOTHING SUCCESSFUL
ABOUT ME.

(sighs)

MY FRIENDS THINK
I'M GONNA DROP THEM,

MY PARTNER RESENTS ME,

AND MY HUSBAND...

(whispers) HAS MOVED
INTO THE GUEST BEDROOM.

EVERYTHING I GAIN
COMES AT SOME HORRIBLE PRICE,

AND I'M STARTING TO WONDER
IF ANY OF IT'S EVEN WORTH IT.

IT IS.

YOU'RE AT THE START
OF AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY,

AND I AM GOING TO BE THERE
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY,

CHEERING YOU ON,

TELLING ANYONE
WHO WILL LISTEN

THAT THE BREE VAN DE KAMP
IS MY FRIEND.

(whispers) THANKS.

AND THE REST
OF THE STUFF...

YOU'LL FIND A WAY
TO FIX IT.

JUST KNOW THAT ALL YOUR FRIENDS
ARE VERY PROUD OF YOU.

BITTERLY JEALOUS, BUT PROUD.

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY

INTO THE FACES
OF THOSE AROUND YOU,

YOU WILL CATCH A GLIMPSE

OF A CERTAIN
GREEN-EYED MONSTER.

AND THEN YOU'LL SEE
THEY ENVY YOUR CAREER...

YOUR LOVE LIFE...

THE TIME YOU SPEND
WITH THEIR CHILD...

HOW DO YOU DEAL
WITH SUCH JEALOUSY?

THERE ARE MANY WAYS.

BUT THE BEST...

IS TO SIMPLY SHARE

WHAT YOU HAVE.

THANK YOU.

MMM.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL NEVER
LEAVE OUR BED AGAIN.

I PROMISE...

PARTNER.