All language subtitles for 08 Understanding and Resolving Conflict.en

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There's absolutely no
way we can have a course

on relationships and not talk
about the most juicy topic

of them all, conflict and
the way we manage conflict

in relationships, what
do we mean by conflict,

and how it is essential for
the well-being of people

in relationships
to have a good way,

or as good a way as possible,
to deal with conflict.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Sometimes, people say,
how can I enter conflict?

And I would say, we
don't enter conflict.

We create conflict.

Conflict is the outcome.

The first thing is,
why does something

become a conflict is an
important question to ask.

For some people,
simple disagreements

are experienced like
sources of conflict.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Every one of us learned,
in our growing up, family,

community, political
reality, racial reality--

how to respond to
conflict, how to

live in conflictual situations.

And we learned them
at home, and we

learned what price we
paid when we spoke up,

and what price we paid when
we didn't say anything,

or what we gained from
not saying anything,

or what we gained
from speaking up,

from fighting for something.

And we watched how other
people dealt with disagreement,

dealt with power struggles.

This is probably one of
the most important things

we learn, watching
other people around us--

how did people deal when
they were humiliated

or when they were shamed or
when they were feeling guilty

or when they were dissed, and
what they did with their anger.

Because conflict is directly
connected to our experience

of anger, frustration,
disappointment, hurt,

conflict is the expression of
all these feelings, often when

they are not handled well.

A conflict is basically an
ascending curve from something

that is a discord, a
disagreement, a challenge,

and it goes all the
way to an explosion.

It's an ascending curve.

Conflict, don't think of
it as something static.

It moves.

So I want you to see the
complexity of conflict,

that it's not just
fighting and arguing,

but that conflict is an
overall situational ecology

that we have either learned
to live with and plunge

into, or often,
on the other side,

have learned to
avoid like the plague

because it felt so dangerous
and so threatening.

And what will be
interesting is if you notice

who are the people
that are close to you,

and is their experience of
conflict similarly as yours?

What you often find
in a relationship--

there's only three
dances around this.

It's two fighters,
two distancers,

or one fighter and one fleer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Imagine I want to discuss
something with you,

and you say, not now.

At my worst, sometimes,
I can be the person who

follows you through the house.

You go into the room.

I start knocking at the door.

I follow you in the room.

I am not going to
be able to stop this

until we've got this thing
figured out and discussed.

Does this work?

No.

It generally doesn't because
the more I run after you,

if you are the one
who tends to close off

or needs to cool
down first or needs

to be able to think and
gather your thoughts

and said to me, not now,
because I'm overwhelming you

and I'm flooding you, then
the more I run after you,

the more I strengthen your
need for space for distance

for closing the door.

What you insist on persists.

I am going to make you
even more of a withdrawer

by virtue of the way
that I pursue you

at this moment of conflict.

What would help me more?

If you say to me, not
now, I will say to you,

you have complete legitimate
space here to say,

I can't have this
discussion right now.

Fair enough.

But then you have to be
the one to reengage with it

so that you don't put me in the
position now of the one who's

waiting and waiting and waiting
because you never come back,

because if you had it
your way, we would never

be discussing this thing.

So that is then going to make
me become more of a pursuer

again because your reluctance
and avoidance is strengthening

my desperation about when are
we ever going to talk about this

or address this or
whatever the issue is.

So, first of all, understand
that in mismanagement

of conflict, each person,
by virtue of their stance,

is going to reinforce the
position of the other, which

is often the opposite of
what they actually want.

So watch what you do.

You won't get the
conversation you

want if you can't accept that
the other person has to engage

with you when they actually
can engage with you

and can actually hear
you, which is what

you want in the first place.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

The fighter and the fighter
who do conflict in the way

that I highly
recommend you not to do

are people who often
will do what is commonly

called kitchen thinking.

It means we're arguing about
this, and within two seconds--

I'll give you 20 seconds--

I've already brought up that
and that from two years ago,

10 years ago, 20 years ago.

I am piling up all the
dirty dishes in one sink,

and it's everything
that you've ever

done that has annoyed me is
right there, when, in fact, we

began to talk about why
you were late last night.

That's two fighters for you.

They escalate very quickly.

They bring in the stuff.

And if one person
ends up saying,

okay, I understand, I accept
this, and what about--

because they're not done.

They've got something
else to bring in.

And so it becomes very
explosive very quickly,

and each one attacking the
other and often the other person

then defending themselves
and counterattacking.

I don't have to tell you that
you can't wash all the dishes

at the same time if
they're all piled up

on each other in the sink.

It's a very clear image.

Pick a dish, and stick to it.

And don't start piling
up the entire history.

You're destroying your
relationship when you do that.

It doesn't matter if
it's between friends,

your romantic partner, your
family member, or at work.

That attitude is so painful
because there is nothing left.

And people sometimes fight
as if they have nothing

to lose when, in fact, they
have everything to lose.

So this is one of the
styles of handling conflict

that is really problematic.

Is there something
you want to discuss?

Is there something
you're fighting about?

You didn't like the
person being late.

You felt dissed and dismissed.

Stick to that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So, in this instance,
fleer-fleer,

withdrawer-withdrawer,
avoider-avoider--

you come in late, and
I don't say anything.

And you wait, and I
don't say anything.

The other one, you haven't
even closed the door,

then I'm already on your back.

This one, I am cold, ice-cold.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting to see
if you're going

to actually say something.

But you're waiting to
see if I'm actually

going to say something.

And then I don't talk
to you for three days.

Whatever.

We don't talk.

We go quiet.

We cut off.

We distance ourselves.

And there, too,
it's the same idea

that I am doing this
as if I have nothing

to lose when I have
everything to lose,

which is the relationship
that matters to me.

So two flee-flee people--

what happens is that days go
by, and then, suddenly, someone

says to the other,
want to go for lunch,

or makes a little joke.

And so it gets smoothed
over, but nothing is ever

really addressed or resolved.

So if you are one of those--

more inclined one
of those people,

you may want to ask yourself,
how about I don't just

smooth it over, but I say,
can we chat about this now,

do we have something
that we need to work out,

rather than just
letting it simmer.

And then it gets cold, and then
it kind of settles into a lump,

and then you move over it.

But the lump never gets removed.

Watch your relationships
and see which

is your prime choreography
in the management

or in the experience
of conflict.

What's your stance?

Do you go toward it, or
do you run away from it?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

One of the very important
ways to defuse conflict

is to ask about the hurt
that lies underneath.

So, in fact, instead of saying,
what is this fight about,

you actually ask, what
is it that is hurting you

that is evoked for you
that is living right

underneath this fight?

There's a particular structure
for understanding conflict

that was developed
by Howard Markman

that I find very useful that
I want to share with you.

Underlying conflict-- there
often are three hidden agendas,

meaning what people
are fighting about

isn't really what they
are fighting about.

They may be fighting about who
gets to attend this meeting,

but that's not the fight.

So what are those three things?

The first one is whose
priorities matter most.

Who has the power?

Who gets to decide?

It's not who is at
the meeting only,

but it evokes in me questions of
who is more important than me,

questions of relevance.

That's what we're
fighting about.

The second one would be
closeness and connection,

questions of trust.

Who has my back?

Can I rely on you?

Do you think of me
when I'm not here?

And the third one is
respect and recognition.

Do you value me?

Do you value my
presence, my opinions?

Am I valued and legitimate?

If you look at your fights, and
you don't take them literally,

you ask yourself,
what was it that

was really triggered for me--

power and priorities,
care and closeness,

or respect and recognition?

Take a common situation.

One person came back late.

Now, you can think that
you're fighting about the fact

that they were late.

But if I ask you, what
is it that upset you

about their lateness,
one of you may answer,

it's the fact that they always
get to do what they want.

One of you may
answer, it's the fact

that they told me that
they would be here at 7:00,

and I can't trust them.

They don't show up reliably.

And one of you may
say, it's the fact

that I was here with
the food prepared,

and it felt like there
is no recognition

for my contribution.

Same conflict-- the fight
could look exactly the same.

In the end, we are
creatures of meaning.

And what matters to us most is
to feel that other people think

of us and that we matter.

And in all three situations, we
arrive at the same conclusion.

But the underlying
theme is different.

So it looks like we're
fighting about your lateness.

But we really are hurting
about something else.

Then it depends how
you're going to answer.

If you start to justify and
counterattack and defend,

we lack the empathic connection.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There are many
different mindsets

that we can have when we
enter a conflictual situation.

One of them is I'm
going to convince you.

I'm going to change your mind.

I'm going to drill my
point of view into you.

And here is the
truth about this one.

The more you're going to try
to make them change their mind,

the more you are
actually contributing

to reinforcing the very position
that you're trying to undo,

that's the paradox.

You want to present
your point of view

as if you have the truth, and
you're arguing from a place

as if there's only one
person who has a brain.

You want to invite
a conversation that

is more empathic, simply
that, why is it easier

for you to fight than to listen?

It's a very good question.

What would happen
if you actually

heard what hurt me and could
respond to it caringly,

kindly, rather than
fight me over it

and pretend that I shouldn't
feel this way because I have no

right to feel this way,
and then we are fully back

in conflict land?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I wish I could say,
when there is conflict,

don't ever say X. Don't ever
say something you will regret.

Don't ever say
something the person

can never take off
their skin afterwards.

Don't say things that
are contemptuous,

that are humiliating,
that are shame-inducing.

But that is what people
who escalate often will do.

And they are so used to
it that what happens to me

as a therapist, when I'm sitting
with a couple who does this,

is that I experience
the pain of the slings.

But they don't even
feel it anymore

because they've
been so conditioned

to the roughness
of the interaction.

I think that I'm
going to ask each

of you, what is the one thing
that you wish you hadn't said?

Or what is one
conflictual situation

that you would love to have an
opportunity to do differently?

And then say, I
wish I could say,

"Stop it," when somebody
goes after me like this.

It's not just what
you have said.

It's also what you haven't said.

I wish I would say, "I won't
let you talk to me this way."

That is an important thing
also in situations of conflict.

It's most important
if you can discern

where is the place where
the corrective would really

make a big difference for you.

I want you to have
a better sense

as to what is your stance,
your inclination in relation

to conflict.

And what happens to you in
your interaction with others

when they are like
you and when they

are on the other side of you?

I also want you to
really remember,

underneath conflict lie
three dominant themes--

power, trust, and
value, three essential

experiences we all
have in relationships.