All language subtitles for 05 Understanding Power Dynamics.en

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Power is intrinsic
to all relationships,

whether at work or at home.

And interestingly,
these days, we

talk more about expectations,
boundaries, trust.

We don't talk
enough about power.

And when we do talk about
power in relationships,

we tend to emphasize
abuses of power.

I would like to
simply invite you

to understand that all
relationships imply dynamics

of power.

It's neutral.

It's not, in and of
itself, good or bad.

So power, I want to demystify
the word, first and foremost.

Because instantly, I
feel that often people

cringe when you say power
in relation-- yes, power.

When a child needs
their parent, the parent

has power over the child.

You know, we are the most
helpless creature that

comes into the world
for a good year,

before two, before we can
talk, we can feed ourselves,

we can clothe ourselves.

So we depend on caregivers.

And that gives these
caregivers power.

At the same time, if we have
a two-year-old who says, no,

and doesn't want to
do what we ask them,

everybody understands
that power doesn't always

come from the top-down.

It also can come
from the bottom-up.

So how do we handle
power in relationships?

And how do we
understand what we can

do with the power,
the generative power,

but also what can be done
destructively with power

is the big question that all
relationships ask themselves.

Power comes with the fact that
when people need each other,

rely on each other, have
expectations from each other,

depend on each other,
it gives them power.

It gives the other person power.

But the question always is,
is it power over or is it

power to?

Power over you can be
oppressive, can be dominant,

can be exploitative.

But power to can be
generative, can be inviting,

can be active and collaborative.

People often will
say the person that

makes more money has
power in a relationship.

That is possible.

But then it can be,
therefore, that person

who makes more money,
makes more decisions,

gets to decide where we live,
what we spend the money on,

et cetera.

Or that person
may say, you know,

you've been wanting to go back
to school for a long time,

I can make that happen for you.

Go ahead.

Or you've been wanting to
go back and do your artwork,

or you would like
to take some time

to take care of your ailing
parent at this point.

I can make that
possible for you.

That is power to.

The other thing is I use my
power to create an imbalance,

rather than I use
my power to create

a collaborative or generative
experience together.

Power is an organizational
feature of relationships.

So in some situations, there
needs to be leadership.

Leadership is power to.

It provides hierarchy.

Hierarchy provides structure.

Parents who don't
assume their position,

their role, their authority,
their power, leave a vacuum.

That vacuum often creates
a reversal of power

where the child has to become
the parent of the parents.

These are inverse hierarchies.

Those become problematic.

Employees that don't have
a boss that gives them

a clear sense of direction and
mission and where are we going

and why are we doing what we're
doing are left with a vacuum.

And then they ask,
what should we do?

And then sometimes
another person

emerges that becomes
the new power,

or it's chaos and
disorganization,

same in political systems
and how we manage society.

Groups, societies
need structure.

That involves power.

That power is either voted,
chosen, attributed, earned,

or stolen.

I think what's
important to highlight

about power is that power is,
at once, structural and also

interpersonal.

I come from a generation
and certainly my parents

come from a generation where
people who had more power, that

meant more authority.

That was the definition of
power who were higher up

in the hierarchy.

When they told me what to
do, I did not discuss it.

I didn't question it.

I didn't argue it because
I came from a model

that people with more power tell
the people with less power what

to do, and so it is.

My children are in a
different generation

at this moment, where in
the laterality reality

of new structures, they
don't question the power,

but they may have questions
about what the person in power

is saying or asking them
to do or suggesting.

So power has become more fluid.

Power gets negotiated.

Power is not just something
that is ascribed and assigned

to you by virtue of your age, of
your birth, and of your status.

It is part of the
relational dynamics.

And this is very new
in relationships.

Power that is negotiated
is something new

that came with the women's
movement, that came

with the identity politics.

That is part of a
larger cultural issue

in which your power can be taken
away, with the #MeToo movement

too.

Power is no longer
something that is just fixed

and you got it and it's part
of your privilege forever.

There still are
plenty of people who

have that kind of power too.

But there is also a
new experience of power

that is much more fluid
and much more negotiated.

If you are in a company
and you have less power

and you are more junior and
you want to bring something up,

the first thing
you need to do is

look at the culture around you.

You look at the context.

When I just described how
power used to be fixed

and it is now negotiated,
it's a cultural shift.

In order to know
what you can bring

to people who are in power
above you at your company,

you need to look at the company.

What is the culture
of this place?

Are young people allow
to make suggestions?

Are their opinions worthy?

Are they invited?

Or do you wait your years
before you can speak up?

The culture will
tell you, most often,

how you can address people in
power and question their power

or question certain decisions
or bring certain ideas.

And then watch your manager
and watch the people above you

and how they respond to others.

Collect information
or go and talk

to the other people on the
floor or on Zoom and ask them,

is this a place where people
do this kind of things,

or is this a place
where you wait?

I have an image that
always stays with me when

I think about how you negotiate
power, which I was giving

a talk in a Eastern
European country

with strong hierarchies.

And the professor
was sitting here.

And the room had 1,000
people, but a lot of them

were the student
of the professor.

And I noticed that when
I would ask a question

to the audience--

what do you think
about this, or what

do you think about
what I just said?

It could be something
really simple like that.

Or is this the way this
happens in this country too,

people didn't answer me.

They first looked
to the professor.

And when the professor
went like this, then

people knew what
they could answer.

And I saw, this is
hierarchy, this is structure,

this is power.

Everyone was clear,
there was a consensus

around the norm
of where the power

center lies and, therefore,
how it affects everybody else.

You learn, when you enter a
culture, a family, a company,

what the power dynamics are,
where the power center is,

and how much challenge to
the center you can express.

The questions that
you ask yourself

when you want to
understand who has power

is, what are the criterions
that determine power?

Is it the people who
are more responsible?

In your romantic relationships,
in your family relationships,

is it the person that
is more competent

or is it the person that
is more incompetent?

Is it the person that
earns more money?

Is it the person that
makes more decisions?

What do you think
makes for the power?

So when you say, she has
all the power, with what?

My boss is all about, oh,
this person on my team

has way too much power.

What do you mean, that
their opinions matter more,

that they disqualify others,
that some people only

listen to them?

I think you start with,
this person has power.

The next question is, how so?

What confers them the power.

Do they take it, do they grab
it, or is it given to them?

What is the relational
dynamic around it?

Have people given up, they
just let the person talk,

they don't respond even,
they barely listen?

Watch the systemic
organization around the power.

How is the system--

the couple, the family, the
group, the team, the company--

organized around the power?

And how does it maintain
the power structure

in place, the power equity or
the power inequity in place?

The tendency is to think
that the most competent one--

this is true for families as
well as romantic relations--

that the most competent one,
the most successful one,

the most earning one has power.

But the same way
that I say power

can come from the
bottom-up from a child,

it can also be so with adults.

For example, in
many relationships,

you have one person who has an
addiction or who is depressed

or who can't get
their act together

or who can't keep a job.

And that person also has power.

The depressed person,
they don't experience

themselves as powerful.

But, systemically,
what they feel inside

is very different
than what happens

between them and others.

If I am down, most of the
time, the people around me

are going to try to cheer me up.

They're going to give me all
kinds of advice with what I

need to do to feel better, to
get my energy back, et cetera.

And I will say, no, no, no, no.

And in the end, many of
these very wise advice-givers

will end up feeling
as helpless as me.

And this is a very important
understanding of power.

So power is probably the
most important, for me,

it's one of the most
important dynamics

to understand in a relationship.

When you say, where
lies the power,

who has the power,
and power for what?

As you reflect on power, I'd
like you to keep this in mind--

power is intrinsic
in all relationships.

And power structures
are more fluid now.

There's no relationship that
doesn't have a power dimension.

You can have power over
and you can have power to.

Hence, power can be
oppressive and/or generative.

Power comes both
from the top-down

and from the bottom-up.

And remember, be discerning
about the kind of power

that people hold, how
they've come to have it,

how they are supported to
keep it, and how it affects

others around them.

I'm going to give you a little
exercise to do, is to take

a little scan of some of
the important relationships

in your life.

And again, you can choose your
romantic ones, family ones,

friendships, work
situations, all of the above.

And just ask yourself, what
is my experience of power

in my relationships?

Do I feel that I
have agency, that I

have power, initiative, action
that I can freely express?

Do I feel that I'm often at
the hands of other people

and their power over me?

Have I switched back and
forth, sometimes I'm here,

sometimes I'm there?

And what made it
change every time?

The main question is
not do I have power,

but do I have agency?

Can I take certain
steps separately

from what you are
doing to me or to us?

And that is important,
the opposite of agency

becomes codependency.

And just write the
stories down for yourself.

Get a bit of a profile.

This is going to give
you a host of information

about how you have experienced
power, the power of others

and your own, when you
step into your power,

when you are meek, when you deny
it, when you're bold, when you

resist it, when
you're afraid of it,

all of your responses to the
position of power itself.