All language subtitles for 08 The Pink Panther Curse Of The Pink Panther - 1983 English

The Pink Panther Curse Of The Pink Panther - 1983 English

[ DOGS BARKING ]

[ HISSING ]

[ SCRAPING ]

[ CHANDRA ] How much?

[ MAN ] 6 million.

But that's ridiculous.

It's worth 30.

It'll have to be split up.
We'll lose 40% of it.

Enough!

What?

I am Clouseau,

and justice will be done
in the name of the law.

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ THE PINK PANTHER THEME PLAYING ]

[ TAP TAP ]

[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ]

[ BEEPING ]

[ POP ]

[ BANG ]

[ CLICKING ]

[ BOOM ]

[ CLINKING ]

One year ago today,
inspector Jacques Clouseau,

the police academy's most
illustrious graduate, disappeared.

We found it appropriate to broadcast
this commemorative program

from the academy,

where a new generation
of police officers

are about to receive
their shields.

The question on every
Frenchman's mind is...

What has happened to
France's greatest detective?

"Why haven't the authorities been
able to solve the mystery?"

[ WOMAN ] Monsieur president?

Tell the police commissioner

I want to see him.

Oui, monsieur president.

The president himself
gave the order!

And at 3:00 this morning
the commissioner woke me up

to say he was putting me
in charge. Me! Ha ha ha!

And I've got one month to make
operation paragon a success.

Otherwise, I'll be back
on the vice squad

staking out pissoirs for
what is left of my career.

Operation paragon?

Yes. The president's idea.

If France's greatest
detective is missing,

then get the world's greatest
detective to find him.

And how do you find the
world's greatest detective?

By computer. [ CHUCKLES ]

The commissioner's idea.

Interpol has computer files

on every law enforcement
agency in the world.

And I am supposed
to program the computer

to select Clouseau's clone.

But Clouseau...

You and I know he was an idiot,

but the rest of the world sees him
as a fearless deductive genius...

Another Sherlock Holmes...

And that's the type of man
we are now looking for.

Then you have a problem.

Yes, because a man like this
might find Clouseau.

A horrible thought.

What's the alternative?

I don't know.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'm damned if I do...

And I'm damned if I don't.

[ COMPUTERS WHIRRING ]

A series 600 Huxley computer.

You can program it by
voice command, you know.

Wait. Observe this.

Activate.

[ BEEPING AND CLICKING ]

Aldous.

Ready, Dave.

Aldous can even recognise
people's voices.

Amazing. Elementary.

Chief inspector Dreyfus, suréte,

vital statistics, please.

Coming up, Dave.

[ HUMMING ]

What's the delay?

Lots of material.

Just give an
abbreviated version then.

All right.
Charles Larousse Dreyfus.

Born Marseilles April 1, 19...

Skip that. Skip that.

What is the subject's
present occupation?

Subject's present occupation...

Chief inspector,
criminal division... suréte.

How's his health?

Last complete
physical examination...

January 7th, this year.

Chronic hypertension.

May, 1978, suffered
nervous breakdown

and was committed
to the state mental...

Skip that bit. Sorry.

Do you want to ask him anything?

Uh... yes. Ahem.

What are the odds

that the greatest
detective in the world

will find Clouseau?

Even money. Take your pick.

Well, aren't you being
slightly optimistic?

Not at all.

Why? Are you afraid
he'll drive you crazy again?

Cool it, Aldous.

Just responding with
an obvious observation.

I hope I didn't offend you,
inspector Dreyfus.

Not at all.

By the way, it's chief
inspector Dreyfus.

Shame on you, Aldous.

Nobody's perfect.
Have a happy day.

[ KNOCKING ] Yes?

Prisoner Steiger has arrived.

Show him in.

Come in.

Wait outside.

Sit down.

Maurice Steiger...
15 years for bank robbery.

Hmm.

Uh, how much was it?

About 150 million.

Give or take a few francs.

And it's never been recovered.

It must be hell
sitting in prison,

dreaming about what you could do

with all that money, hmm?

It's not so bad.

I'm a model prisoner.

I come up for parole
in six months.

Yes, but there's always a chance

the parole board
will turn you down.

Ah, I see.

I tell you where the money is,

and you put in a good word
with the parole board.

No.

Listen...

It took a computer
genius to embezzle

150 million francs
from the bank of France...

And, I... ahem... have a problem

that requires a computer genius.

You help me solve that problem,

and in 6 months time
you'll be a free man,

living out 150 million dreams.
Ha ha ha!

Give or take a few dreams.

What's your problem?

Can you rig a computer

so that no matter what
I program into it

it will select
the exact opposite?

Black is white? Day is night?

Exactly.

What sort of computer?

A Huxley 600.

There is only one of
those in this country.

How are you going to
get me into interpol?

Hmm, I can't.

Then how do you
expect me to rig it?

I don't. I expect you
to tell me how to rig it.

[ SIRENS ]

The president has just arrived

and is being greeted by
sergeant Duvall of the suréte,

and secretary general Dulong
of interpol.

And now we switch
to Michelle Chauvin

who is about to interview
the star of these proceedings.

Good morning, Michelle.

This is chief inspector Dreyfuss
of the suréte.

You're the one who's
gonna program Aldous

to select Clouseau's successor?

Yes, uh...

Oh, no,

he's not gonna be
Clouseau's successor.

Why not a she?

What?

Well, couldn't it
just as easily be a woman,

or are you purposefully
programming it to be a man?

Oh, no, no, no.

We are just trying
to find the best,

the most qualified...

The most like Clouseau.

[ CHUCKLES ] Yes.

Yes.

To paraphrase an old saying,

send a great detective
to find a great detective.

Exactly, but, uh,

he or she will not be
Clouseau's successor.

I mean, they won't be
going to work for the suréte,

I hope.

[ CLAPPING ] Excuse me.

The president has just arrived.

In a few moments,
Aldous the computer,

will select from the files

of all the law enforcement
agencies in the world

the one man or woman

most qualified to solve
the disappearance

of France's greatest detective.

And screw up my entire life.

Just over a year ago,

while investigating
yet another theft

of the famous diamond,
the pink panther,

Inspector Clouseau seemed to
vanish from the face of the earth,

leaving behind one of France's
greatest unsolved mysteries.

Not to mention the 4,000
francs he owes me.

And now, working on a theory that
the best person to find Clouseau

is someone almost
exactly like Clouseau,

chief inspector Dreyfus will
program Aldous the computer

with a character profile
of inspector Clouseau.

That's going to put a hell of
a strain on poor old Aldous.

Obviously, Mr. president,

so as not to limit our choice,

I will omit sex, height, weight,

race, and nationality.

Ready, Aldous?

Ready, Charles.

Age... 61.

Senior officer.

I.Q

[ CHUCKLES, COUGHS ]

Ahem. Genius.

Specialities...

Judo, Kung Fu,
Okinawan weaponry,

karate expert...

[ SNICKERING ]

Black belt.

Expert ma... Ma...

Marksman.

Fearless.

Courageous.

A born leader.

[ SMOTHERED LAUGHTER ]

Sir.

Is that it, chief?

Mm-hmm.

Select.

Coming right up.

[ HUMMING ]

What is he humming?

It sounds like moon river...

Backwards.

Chief inspector Dreyfus
is obviously nervous.

The president
and the commissioner

are waiting tensely as
the moment draws near.

Aldous: Ladies and gentlemen,

after thoroughly
searching the records

of 13,623,055 candidates,

I have come up with your man.

It's a man.

From the 11th precinct

of the New York City
police department,

I give you...

A little drum roll, please...

[ DRUM ROLL ]

Officer Clifton sleigh.

[ FALSETTO ] Got a light, big boy?

Cliff, broads don't call
guys "big boy" anymore.

[ NORMAL VOICE ]
Oh. Right, Charlie.

[ CLINK ]

I thought you didn't smoke.

I think it kinda
goes with the look.

Thanks.

[ COUGHING ]

[ COUGHING OVER RADIO ]

Jesus, I don't believe it.

He's gonna blow their cover.

[ COUGH ]

That's a nasty cough
you got there, lady.

You shouldn't ought a be smoking.

I lost a contact lens.

What?

I lost a lens.

I'll look for it later.
Can't you just do with one?

I can't see without it
and it cost me 85 bucks.

I'll lend you the money,
for god sakes.

Oh, my... I found it.

Come on, let's go.

Well...

[ COUGHS ]

[ FALSETTO ] See you later.

[ COUGHING ]

He's gonna blow it.

[ CHARLIE ] He's gonna blow it.

Stay with him.

Don't forget
the guys we're after

put a little old lady
in a hospital.

I can't believe the lieutenant
would let a screw-up like sleigh

work this kind of stakeout.

The lieutenant's been under
a lot of pressure lately.

Yeah? What kind of pressure?

Sleigh.

He's been driving
the lieutenant bananas.

Maybe he hopes sleigh

will end up
like the little old lady.

Ah, come on.

To tell you the truth,

that thought has passed
through my mind.

[ MAN ] Stop! Stop!
Back up! Back up! Back up!

Stop! Stop! Go forward.
Go forward.

Now, stop!

Hi there, beautiful.

Pardon me. I...

I feel that I know you.

Are you by any chance

Sheila Swanhill from
Petoskey, Michigan?

[ JINGLING ]

Well, if not, um...

Are you her sister

or in any way related
to the Swanhill family?

Obviously not. You would
have recognised me by now.

Allow me to introduce myself.
Holly Hamill Carr III.

I'm in cement.

Did you know that Petoskey

is the cement capital
of the world?

Huh. Some drunk's
trying to pick him up.

She had a cousin named...

Huh. Lindtrude.

[ FALSETTO ] My name's Doreena.

Doreena!

You have a lovely voice.

You do

something to me

something that

simply mystifies me

tell me

why should it be

you have the power
to hypnotise me

[ DOGS BARKING ]

It's getting out of hand.

Hey!

[ SINGING ]

I want you off my street!

Sleigh: What are you
doing to me?

[ CHARLIE ] A real hooker's
just joined the party.

[ SHOUTING ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ SHOUTING ]

[ CHARLIE ] I'm going in.

[ SCREAMING AND SHOUTING ]

[ SIREN ]

Not only did you
screw up the stakeout,

but another little
old lady was mugged.

To make matters worse,

we're the laughingstock
of the whole 28th precinct,

and by the time those crumbs get
through spreading it around town,

we'll be the laughingstock

of the whole goddamn
New York City police force.

With all due respect...

What respect?

What do you know about respect?

You sure as hell
don't respect me.

Oh, yes, I do.

I got an ulcer,
I'm losing my hair,

and you're driving me
straight to the funny farm!

You call that respect?!

What happened tonight was
not entirely my fault.

3 years on the police force,

you don't know how to
handle a common drunk?!

You had to be there.

Sleigh...

If it wasn't for the fact

that you're a third-
generation police officer

and that your father
was not only my captain

but my daughter's godfather

and a close personal
friend of nearly 20 years,

I'd have you back doing guard
duty at the public library!

I request no special attention
because of my family.

Don't tell me what you request!

I owe your old man!

Your grandfather talked me
into being a cop!

He used to walk the
toughest beat in Boston

carrying only
a rolled-up newspaper!

He still carries it.

Sleigh...

Until this came,
I was a desperate man

faced with 2 choices...

Retirement or murdering you.

Gee, I don't know what to say.

Fortunately, you don't
have to say anything.

The police commissioner
said it for both of us.

Congratulations, sleigh.

You're assigned to
special duty with suréte.

Suréte? Me?

Paris, France?

There must be some mistake.

Oh, undoubtedly.

I trust you'll bring this error

to the commissioner's attention.

[ CHUCKLES ] I considered it.

But then I remembered the immortal
words of Theodore Doppler,

the Cousbay strangler
whose death sentence

was commuted 2 minutes before
they pulled the switch.

Never look a gift horse
in the mouth.

[ CHUCKLING ]

Bon voyage, sleigh.

Bon voyage.

My bag.

Unh.

[ Growls ]

Hey, business is booming since
Clouseau disappeared, huh?

Yeah. My books show an increase
of 18% since February.

Gambling accounted
for half a billion.

Nearly double last year.

You think that's good?

Wait'll you hear the rundown
on drugs and prostitution.

Hold it a second.

Don't take a genius to know

when Clouseau isn't around,
business flourishes.

Still hard to believe.
You ever meet the guy?

Yeah, I met him once.
Acted like a real idiot.

Facts are facts.

If this American detective is
as good as they say he is,

we're gonna have Clouseau
right back in our laps.

Maybe Clouseau
isn't just missing.

Yeah. Maybe he's dead.

Can't take that chance.

So what do we do?

Get rid of the American.

I'll call calucci in Chicago.

Have him put out a contract.

[ P.A.] Transworld
airlines flight 24

for Chicago and Dayton,

will depart from gate 39.

Passengers may proceed
to the gate area for check in.

[ WIND HOWLING ]

Transworld airlines flight
24 for Chicago and Dayton,

will depart from gate 39.

Passengers may proceed
to gate area for check in.

Excuse me, please,
but where do I check in?

Sleigh: Check in?

Right over there.

[ Wind howling ]

[ SCREAMING ]

[ THUD ]

[ WOMAN SCREAMING ] Ahh!

How did it happen?

We don't know.

He fell from a balcony.

Never got a shot at him.

When does this
sergeant sleigh land?

Eleven-twenty,
tomorrow morning, TWA.

You want us to hit him
at the airport?

Right.

Great. This time, no slip-ups.

[ HONK HONK ]

[ WHIRRING ]

[ WHIRRING ]

It's very nice to see you.

We've been waiting
for you. This way.

Out through here?

Aah!

Oof!

[ SHOUTING IN FRENCH ]

Aah!

Yes, commissioner.

Quite remarkable. [ CHUCKLING ]

It seems the computer
certainly picked

the right man for the job.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

[ BUZZ ]

Yes?

Detective sleigh has arrived.

Show him in.

Detective sergeant
Clifton sleigh.

Oh!

Aah!

How is he, doctor?

Well, he'll be here
for a few weeks,

but he's very lucky.
We just got him in time.

He could have choked to
death on that goldfish.

Can I see him?

Yes, but don't stay too long.

He's very tired.

Hello.

I won't stay long.

I wish I could say the same.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Ahh...

Are you in much pain?

Ah, my leg hurts, but
my throat is killing me.

You nearly choked
to death on a goldfish.

Where is he?

I don't know. I don't
think they kept it.

Not the fish! Detective sleigh!

Oh. He waited around until
he heard you were all right,

then he went over to
Clouseau's apartment.

But he said he'd be back
to see you this evening.

Wonderful.

He said he wanted
to make it up to you

by solving the case
as quickly as possible.

You know, François,

I have a horrible feeling

we're seeing history
repeat itself.

What do you mean?

When they were pulling
out the goldfish,

I remember thinking,

did Clouseau have any
relatives in the states?

You mean... Oh, but
that's impossible.

You programmed
the computer yourself.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Compared to me, I'm afraid

baron Frankenstein was a quack.

[ BUZZ ]

[ BUZZ ]

[ WINDOW SQUEAKS ]

Aah!

Hmm.

Yaah!

Aah! Oh, god! Oh, god!

Aah!

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Ooh! Ooh! Aah!

Unh!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ RING ]

[ RING ]

Aah!

Inspector Clouseau museum.

This is balls. Is this Cato?

No. This is sumo
the night janitor.

Mr. Cato is in south America.

Merde!

I am not giving you any merde.

Where's the money?

I don't know anything about
any money he owes you.

If you want to get
in touch with him,

he can be reached
at the rio Hilton.

Mor merde!

And the same to you, professor.

[ HANGS UP ]

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Cato.

I thought you said
your name was sumo

and that Cato was
in south America.

Only where professor balls
is concerned.

Inspector Clouseau disappeared

owing the professor
4,000 francs.

And he keeps threatening
to close down the museum

and take back all his disguises.

I'd give him
something on account,

but I only make enough
to pay the utilities

and keep myself Yin-Gow San.

I don't believe I know the dish.

It's my girlfriend.

Ah.

I'm sorry I attacked you.

Oh. You thought I was from
the collection agency.

No. I know who you are.

I was hoping I could
beat you up so badly

you might give up trying to
find inspector Clouseau.

Oh?

Why don't you want
me to find him?

Because he used to
beat me up so badly

I kept wishing
he would disappear.

There's an old Chinese saying...

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

Ahh. Ha ha!

You speak Chinese?

Uh... no.

Well, the nearest English
equivalent would be...

Never look a gift horse
in the mouth.

Would you like some tea?

No. I've got to crack this case,

and I'm on a tight schedule.

Tell me about
this professor balls.

He used to make all of
the inspector's disguises.

As a matter of fact,

he was the last one to see
the inspector alive.

You don't say.

[ CLOCK CHIMES ]

That's him.

[ JINGLING ]

[ OPERA PLAYING ]

Can I help you?

Yes. I'd like to see
professor balls.

[ INHALES ]

[ BLOWS ]

[ COUGHING ]

There is someone here
to see the professor.

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ BLOWS ]

[ BRRAAAPP ]

Professor balls?

Do we know each other?

I'm...

I'm a police officer.

I was in Zagreb visiting my
half-brother at the monastery.

I only want to ask you
a few questions.

Nevertheless, I have
a perfect alibi.

For what?

For practically anything.

I am a law-abiding citizen.
Right, Cunny?

My little friend here
will back me up.

Right, Cunny?
All right, that's enough.

Down! Pssht!

He's been with me for 20 years.

Sometimes he thinks
I'm his girlfriend.

He is also the best fitter
in Paris, monsieur.

In all of France,
for that matter.

He can whip you up
a very nice suit

with 2 pair of pants
while you wait.

No, you see, I'm investigating...

Of course you are investigating!

You are a policeman!

I knew that the moment
you walked in to my emporium.

Your courage, your alertness,

the way your eyes
take in everything.

I immediately said to myself,

balls, this is
a policeman's policeman.

Thirty-two.

Thirty-two.

Twenty-two.

Twenty-two.

[ INCOHERENT SLURRING ] Six.

Four.

Four.

Twelve.

Well, I have been servicing
the police all of my life.

Some of my best customers
have been the police.

Chief inspector Clouseau himself

used to come into my shop
here 3 or 4 nights a week,

just browsing,
finding an odd nose,

a unique goutier, a carbuncle,

perhaps something
in a nice hump.

Yes. I personally
designed und executed

all his famous disguises.

Take for example, his last
and greatest disguise.

He was due to pick it up
on the day he disappeared.

It probably would have
saved his life.

Behold!
The instant companion kit.

How many times have you
been on a case

and discovered that you were
being followed?

How many times have you wished
that you had the one diversion

that would confuse your pursuer,
allowing you time to escape?

Well, here we have
the perfect diversion...

Life-size und
instantly inflatable.

One twist of the valve

and you are checking into
a hotel as man and wife.

2 twists... ménage a trois, ja?

As chief inspector Clouseau,
the king of disguises,

said to me when
we tested the prototype,

"balls, as disguises go,

the instant companion kit
is without peers."

I can let you have it
for 6,000 francs.

6,000?

4. Get ze doggie.

And to round out the ensemble,

I'll throw in
the instant companion pet

for all seasons.

Observe. [ Blowing ]

There are little wheels
concealed in his paws.

Every 30 feet
he barks and goes caca.

4,000?

All right. 3,000,
including the leash

and 2 extra cans of caca.

How about 1,500
for the entire ensemble

and all the caca?

I've got to get this stuff
off my hands.

[ WHEELS RATTLING ]

That makes 3 attempts
on my life in 2 days.

I am lucky. I've only had one.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

That makes us even.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I guess I was just too gung ho.

Gung who?

It's an American expression.

It means... All fired up.

Full of spirit
and determination.

Do you know what this
opportunity means to me?

I'm a third-generation
police officer.

My grandfather and
my father were captains.

Your family must be
very proud of you.

They still can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Me, out of all those millions.

My grandfather tells everyone
it's a practical joke.

[ Giggles ] I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be. This is my chance.

If I succeed, then I've
proved once and for all

that I'm a credit to the force,

that I'm a sleigh.

Well, credit to the force,

where do you go from here?

Well, since inspector
Clouseau disappeared

while investigating the
theft of the pink panther,

I thought I'd visit
the scene of the crime.

Then you're off to Lugash.

I leave on the next plane.

You'll leave? Good.
I mean, good luck.

Thank you.

[ CHUCKLES ] You know...

I just want to tell you
how grateful I am...

Aah!

Aah!

[ SINGING PRAYERS ]

[ DOG BARKING ]

What time does he arrive?

The 1:30 plane from Paris.

You realise what happens if
he finds that cursed diamond?

We'll have to return the money
to the insurance company.

I've already spent it.

What's the alternative?

Make sure he doesn't
find the diamond.

Hmm.

Well, obviously,
the first thing to do

is to figure out
how the thief got in.

Aah!

[ THUD ]

I don't think we've got
a thing to worry about.

That's what we thought
about Clouseau.

He suspects sir Charles Litton,
the notorious phantom.

He's booked the evening flight
for the south of France.

Oh, the south of France.

Should be beautiful
this time of year.

Unless you happen to fall
off the grand corniche.

[ PEOPLE TALKING ]

[ WOMAN ] I just had word that he's
arrived in the south of France.

When he left nice airport,

he was followed by two members
of the Lugash secret police.

It appears that president Halish

would rather have the insurance
money than the diamond.

When you take into account

that the mob has already
tried to kill him three times

to stop him from finding
inspector Clouseau.

[ MAN ] Chief inspector...
[ CHUCKLING ]

I don't think that we got
anything to worry about.

Still... all things considered,

I'm glad you had the surgery.

Even though you're
temporarily incapacitated,

in the long run,

I'm sure it will be
more than worth the time.

[ Speaking French badly ]

Sure, pal.

Tell him he's here.

He's here.

Ah, sergeant sleigh.

Yes, sir.

Let me introduce you

to my nephew, George.

George. How do you do?

Hugo, chair.

Mr. chair.

And, uh, my wife.

Hello, how do you do?

Hello.

So, uh, you're investigating
the Clouseau case.

Yes. [ Squeaking ]

Oh, thank you.

[ SQUEAK ]

Oh, thank you.

You wouldn't by any
chance be related?

To inspector Clouseau? No.

But, uh...

[ SQUEAK ]

But it's funny
you should ask me that.

The president of Lugash
asked me the same thing.

[ SQUEAK ] Really?

What about a drink, sergeant?

Oh, no, thank you.

[ SQUEAK ]

Darling, the sergeant's on duty.

Well, it's not that.

Then what about
a nice cup of tea?

Actually, it's a lot better
for you than coffee.

It's got about half the
amount of caffeine in it.

I'm sure that's true,

but I'd simply die without
my morning cup of coffee.

Anyway, um, what were
you saying, sergeant?

I, uh... I, uh...

You were saying about the
investigation of inspector Clouseau.

Ah, yes.

I, uh... whoa!

Allow me, sir.

[ SQUEAK ]

[ DEFLATING ]

[ SQUEAKING ]

You wanted to know
if Clouseau questioned me

about the theft
of the pink panther.

Yes. Yes.

Yes? Yes.

He questioned me. He did?

Oh, yes.

He questioned me
3 days after the robbery

on the third of August,
to be precise.

At 1:15.

He stayed for lunch.

And fell in the pool.

But why in the world
would he think

that you would know anything about
the theft of the pink panther?

Oh, come on, George.

I mean, I'm sure the sergeant
is totally up to date

on my somewhat checkered career.

Right, sergeant?

Ah, ha ha ha ha.

I mean, after all,
a man, after almost 30 years,

has been thought to be
the notorious phantom,

the cleverest Jewel thief
in all of Europe.

But, uncle Charles,
it was never proven

that you were the phantom.

No. Nor that you took over
where I left off.

But, George, you can understand
why he was suspicious

and why he wanted
to question me.

Oh, sure.

And then when he was satisfied
that I was completely innocent

and couldn't possibly have had
anything to do with it...

Because we were
in Barbados with George

at the time of the robbery.

Then, inspector Clouseau
took off for Valencia.

Valencia. Ah. Ha.

Well, that leaves me
with just one question.

[ Crack ]

You said Valencia.

It's in Spain.

Ah! That Valencia.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Thank you very much.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Sir Charles.

Lady Litton. Uhh!

He fell in the pool.

You're kidding.

[ TICKING ]

You sure you don't want
a bathrobe or something?

Oh, no. I've been
enough trouble.

It's a warm day. I can dry
off on my way to Spain.

Well, good-bye, sergeant.

Good-bye.

Bye-bye, sergeant.

Bye-bye.

[ RIP ]

What do you think
he'll find in Valencia?

Not very much, unless he
gets his glasses fixed.

Take me to the nearest hotel.

[ French ]

I thought you spoke English.

Prendre moi a L'hotel.

Check.

[ TICKING ]

Don't get too close.

That's it.

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

[ GUNSHOT ] Wholly...

Whoa!

Ole! Ole!

I'm oleing as fast
as I can, man.

You said you didn't
speak any English!

Don't you know that French cab
drivers are notoriously unreliable?

You sound like
an American to me.

[ GUNSHOT ]

Whoa!

Damn!

Who the hell's
trying to kill you?!

I don't know!

Whoa!

[ HORN HONKS ]

Maybe they're trying to kill me!

Who do I know that
wants to kill me?

No, no. It couldn't be my wife.
She doesn't drive.

Whoever it is, you got
to try and lose them!

When somebody's shooting at you,

you got to do better than try.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Ahh!

[ TICKING ]

Aah!

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ HORNS HONKING ]

Whoa!

[ SCREAMING ]

[ HORNS HONKING ]

[ TICKING ]

Wah!

[ HORNS HONKING ]

Come on! Come on!

Yah!

Yah!

[ GUNFIRE ] Ah!

[ 1812 OVERTURE PLAYING ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

Oui, monsieur.

Aah!

Yes, uh...

Something to eat?

[ FALSETTO ] No.

[ NORMAL VOICE ] Uh...

[ FALSETTO ] Beer, please.

[ NORMAL VOICE ] 2 beers,
s'il vous plait.

Lovely here, isn't it?

[ COUGHING ]

[ PUMPING AIR ]

Uhh!

[ FALSETTO ] Merci.

[ Deep voice ] Merci.

[ HISSING ]

[ COUGHING ]

It's a filthy habit.

[ COUGHING ]

[ Hissing ]

[ DEFLATING, SQUEALING ]

[ DEFLATING STOPS ]

[ BLOWING ]

[ SQUEAK ]

Aah.

[ SIGHS ]

Another?

[ FALSETTO ] No, let's go.

[ NORMAL VOICE ] Merci.

Let's go, Shirley. Come on.

[ FALSETTO ] No, I can't.

[ NORMAL VOICE ]
Come on. Let's go.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ KISSES ]

Say good-bye.

[ FALSETTO ] Bye-bye.

[ NORMAL VOICE ] Oh.

What? Do you want to
get a room here? You do?

[ DING ]

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Avez-vous...

I speak English.

Good. Do you have a room?

For how many persons?

Oh, just me
and the little woman.

[ KISSES ]

Uh, how long are you
planning to stay?

Just, uh... One night.

Uh, 200 francs.

Checkout time is 10 A.M.

[ DING ]

I told you not
to mix your drinks.

The bridal suite.

Do we have a bridal suite?

We have now.

[ FALSETTO ] Merci.

Have a pleasant stay...

Mr. Smith.

Thank you.

[ DEFLATING ]

[ SQUEALING ]

[ BLOWING ]

Ooh!

Shh! Honey. [ CHUCKLING ]

I'm sorry.

[ DEFLATING, SQUEALING ]

[ BLOWING ]

[ GAS BLOWING ]

[ MAN ON PHONE ] Oui?

Yes, this is, uh,
monsieur Smith.

Oui?

I would like to make a call to Paris... St.
Mary's hospital.

Paris? Yes.

St. Mary's hospital.

To chief inspector Dreyfus.

Chief inspector Dreyfus.

Yes. It's important.

Oui, monsieur Smith.

Hurry. Right away.

Excuse me.

I am interested in...
Monsieur Smith.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ SIGHS ]

Yes?

Hello, this is sergeant sleigh.

Oh, yes.

Where the devil are you?

I... i don't know the
name of the hotel,

but somebody's following me.

They tried to shoot me
on the way to nice.

Oh, my god.

Hold on. I'll be right with you.

[ Gas escaping, squealing ]

Hold on a sec. I got
to put the cork in.

Dreyfus: What, cork?

What do you mean? Hello?

Hello, are you there?

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Why don't you answer me? Hello!

I'm sorry, but things are
getting a little out of hand.

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes, the location
of the hotel.

Well, it's in the south...

[ COUGHING ] South of France.

It's on a, uh, a small street.

[ COUGHING ]

Uh, look, I don't know
what the point of this is,

because even
if I knew where I was,

you're there, and I'm...

I'm dizzy.

Dizzy? I'm really dizzy.

Why are you dizzy?

Must be the gas.

Gas?

Why don't you open the window?

That's a good idea.

Ohh.

That's better.

[ SILENCED GUNSHOT ]

[ SCREAMING ]

Hello?

Hello?

Huh huh huh.

Are you there?

Shouting: The explosion severely
traumatised your left eardrum,

but if you are careful,
and avoid all loud noises,

partial hearing should be
restored in a few days.

What about the ringing?

I'm afraid that
might take longer.

It's very loud.

I keep wanting to answer
the telephone.

Just take the medicine
I've prescribed

and plenty of rest.

All right. Thank you, doctor.

What if I can't distinguish
the difference

between the ringing
in my ear and the phone?

That could be a problem.

What?

It may not last much longer.

I couldn't stand it if it did.

Where is sleigh?

On his way to Valencia.

Valencia?

A tip... From sir Charles.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

There, it's getting worse!

Oh.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

He just checked in.

Very convenient.
Right down the hall. 311.

Not in the hotel.

When he goes out tonight,

all those fireworks out there,

nobody's gonna notice
a little shooting.

We can't miss.

Yeah.

But just to make sure,
I've hired a backup...

Mr. Chong.

Who the hell is Mr. Chong?

He's a ninja.

The most powerful human
killing machine in the world.

Visualise energy...

As a gathering storm.

It flows to the hand.

The hand consigns it
to the primary object.

As the primary object
is destroyed,

it is consigned
to the secondary object,

and so on...

Like an atomic chain reaction.

I will demonstrate.

Yah!

[ CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING ON TV ]

Road runner: Beep beep!

We have a problem.

Sergeant sleigh has
arrived in Valencia.

Wah-ah!

[ FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ PEOPLE SINGING ]

Sí, sí.

I understand.

[ BUZZ ]

One moment.

¿Sí?

Sergeant sleigh
wishes to speak with you.

He's here?

No. He's on the other line.

Tell him I'll be right with him.

Listen, he's just called.

I've got him holding
on the other line.

Not a word.

Of course. Not a word.

Hello. Chief Agila here.

What can I do for you, sergeant?

I'm investigating the disappearance
of inspector Clouseau.

What? What?

Wait a minute. I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.

I'm gonna close the window.

What?

I'm going to close the window.

What?

What are you talking about?

Ok, I closed it.

Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll be right over.

Uhh!

[ DOG PANTING ]

Thank you.

[ DING ]

[ DOG GRUNTING ]

Will you hold him please?

[ DOG FLATUSES ]

You should be ashamed of
yourself, young man.

[ DING ]

Oh, ho.

There you go.

[ MUSIC PLAYING, PEOPLE SINGING ]

Where's the police station?

Over there!

Thank you.

Don't lose him!

[ GUNFIRE ]

[ FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ BLOWING HORN ]

Hi.

Hi. Hey, you're the girl
from the elevator.

Yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing?

[ PHONE RINGING ] Aah!

Nothing.

Is anything the matter?

Uh, look, you're not
gonna believe this,

but some men are
trying to kill me.

You're right. I am?

I'm not gonna believe you.

No, seriously.

They... they were just
shooting at me outside.

Look, are you alone? Yes.

Have you got a table? Yes.

Would you mind being
my instant companion?

Your instant what?

Look, normally
I wouldn't impose,

but my other one blew up.

Look, I'll explain everything
to you on the way.

Where's your table? Come on.

[ BLOWING HORN ]

Do you see them?

No.

Well, if you see them, kiss me.

Kiss you?

Well, they're not
looking for a couple.

That's the instant
companion theory.

Do you know professor balls?

Who? Professor...

Professor balls.

Did you see 'em? One of 'em.

Where? Over by the door.

I don't see him now.

Strange. He's gone.

You sure you saw them?

Of course.
That's why I kissed you.

Of course.

Wait a minute.

You don't think
I pretended to see that guy

just so I could kiss you.

The thought did occur to me.

Well...

There he is again.

Did you see him?

He's gone.

I don't believe I can...

I saw him both times.

You don't believe me, do you?

Does it matter?

Does it matter?

Well, whether you saw
the man or not,

I quite enjoyed it.

You did?

Didn't you?

Well, now that you
mention it, I guess I did.

Well?

I think I see him again.

Good.

See what I mean?

I certainly do.

I'm kissing you, and I
don't even know your name.

Don't worry about it,
sweetheart.

You're kissing a dead duck.

Ohh!

Aah!

Ohh! [ Objects clatter ]

Uhh!

Oh, my god.

Quick.

Up, up, up, up.

Ew! [ MUTTERING ]

Whoop!

Look, uh, she doesn't have
anything to do with this.

That's a shame.

Excuse me.

Listen, I still
don't know your name.

Clifton.

Clifton. Catch me.
I'm gonna faint.

[ GUNFIRE ]

Ooh!

Ugh!

Ooh!

I'm coming!

I'm going!

Uh!

Ooh!

Ugh!

Hyah!

Don't worry about a thing

I got these guys
just where I want 'em.

Look out!

Uh! Oh, no.

Oh, now I'm mad.

Now I'm hurt.

Ooh!

Oh!

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Come on, let's get outta here.

Clifton!

Oh, boy.

Ahhh!

[ MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING ]

[ CRASH ]

Ah! No!

[ MUSIC PLAYING, CHEERING ]

[ SINGING ]

Wait. This way.

Why?

I have to see
the chief of police.

No. Why not?

I can't explain. Ohh!

Good-bye, Clifton.

[ RING ]

Hello.

He hasn't shown up yet.

He just went into the hotel.

I'll be there. 10 minutes.

Good.

[ MUSIC PLAYING, PEOPLE SINGING ]

Yes, this is sergeant
sleigh in room 311.

Can you tell me the name of
the young lady in room 310?

Woman on phone:
Un momento, por favor.

Juleta Shane.

Thank you very much.

Juleta.

I knocked on your door.

I told the bellboy
I was your sister.

I don't think he believed me.

Did I wake you?

No, why?

You're wearing my pyjamas.

Only the tops.

Oh. [ LAUGHS ]

Does it bother you?

No.

I charged the champagne
to your room.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, I don't mind at all.

[ SIGHS ]

Here's to the rest of the night

with an option on tomorrow.

[ CLINK ]

I, uh, can't stay.

You see, I had a very
important meeting

with the chief of police,

and I couldn't let you
just run off like that.

I... i had to find you.

But, um, now that
I have found you,

I... i have to keep that meeting.

I'm a...

I'm a police officer.

Police.

And, uh, I'm working on a case,

a very important case.

And, uh, I think I'm getting
close to the answer.

I... i think that's why
those men were...

Were trying to kill me tonight.

By the way, uh...

Where did you learn
to fight like that?

I was raised in
the east end of London

where you had
to learn how to fight,

if you wanted to keep
your integrity.

I'll, uh, I'll be back
as soon as I can.

I won't be here.

Why not?

Because I won't.

I'm touchy about
throwing myself at a man

and then being rejected.

But I'm not rejecting you.

Then stay. I can't.

But I want you.

Oh, god.

Now.

[ GULP ] Couldn't you
just hold out

for maybe half an hour?

No.

25 minutes. I'll... I'll run.

I can't wait. But you
don't understand.

This is my big chance.

Don't blow it.

No, I mean, to prove
once and for all

that I'm a good cop.

I want you to prove it, too.

I mean to my family,

to lieutenant Palmyra
and the 28th precinct,

my goofy grandfather and
his rolled-up newspaper,

and my father with his medals

and his citation
from the governor

for bravery.

You don't understand.

Oh, my god, I sound
like Stan Laurel.

I... i... I've got to go.

I hope you're here
when I get back.

Clifton.

What?

Here's to being here
when you get back.

I'll drink to that.

[ CLINK ]

[ GASPS ]

What's wrong? Juleta.

Oh, my god.

[ FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ WOMAN ON PHONE ] ¿sí, señor?

Get a doctor. It's an emergency.

Room number, please. Room 311.

And send the police.

[ PEOPLE CHEERING,
FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE ]

Probably a powerful
tranquiliser.

She'll recover, but she'll
be unconscious for hours.

I recognise her.

She's the countess Chandra's
personal secretary.

Her name's Julieta Shane.

Her name is Julie Morgan.

She has been with
the countess for 7 years.

Who's this countess that...

I ask the questions,
señor sleigh.

Sergeant sleigh.

Is that "slay" as in "kill"?

No, it's sleigh
as in "one-horse-open."

Why did you shoot her?

I didn't. I'm a New York
City police officer

working with the suréte.

Yes, investigating
the Clouseau case. Yes.

Yes, they said
you would say this.

You have my identification.

Excellent forgeries.

Look, I can clear this
up with one phone call.

After you've answered
some questions.

I've told you everything.

Bring him along.

What kind of tranquiliser,
is it, huh?

I don't know.

Come on.

Get out of the way!

Hey, come on, move! Move!

I'm a police officer.
I'm a police officer!

Hey, come on, move it, move it.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey!

After him! After him!

Move!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

Fool, you've lost him!

This way!

[ HONK HONK ]

Good evening, sergeant.

Hello, Mr. Litton.

Can I give you a lift?

Uh, as a matter of fact, yes.

Hop in.

[ SHOUTING AND SINGING ]

Sir Charles: Good
morning, George.

Look what I found.

Sergeant, you're up early.

I haven't been to bed yet.

Come aboard.

Well, you look like
you need some breakfast.

Have a little pineapple
or something.

Darling, you remember
sergeant sleigh.

Of course I do.

Hello. Do sit down. Thank you.

Would you like a cup of coffee?
Oh, yes, please.

I'll get that. Thank you.

Now, obviously those
are not your handcuffs,

so you don't have a key.

Darling, may I borrow
your manicure set?

Oh, yes, darling.

Thank you so much.

I'll time you on that,
uncle Charles.

All right. This should do it.

Here you are. Thank you.

I... i feel I owe you
an explanation.

You see, there was
this young lady

who said her name
was Julieta Shane.

Julieta, what a pretty name.

Yes, but her real name
was Julie Morgan.

I know Julie Morgan.

Didn't she work
for countess Chandra?

Yes.

12 seconds, uncle Charles.

Oh, stop, George.
That's not fair.

You're rattling him.

Yes, don't rattle me, George.

Anyway, somebody shot her.

No. With a dart.

With a dart? A tranquiliser.

Imagine.

Oh, my god. It's beyond me.

Somebody in one of
those big heads.

Big heads?

Yes. They had an air gun,

and just as we were about
to drink some champagne...

Pop! Right in
the back of the neck?

Right!

There we are.

28 seconds. You're
getting a little rusty.

Well, all right, George.
You try the other one.

All right.

I'll time you. Terrific.

Ready? Go.

[ BIRDS CRYING ]

I really appreciate this.

And you're not aiding
and abetting a criminal.

Ha, thank god for that.

You see,
I was falsely accused...

Lady Litton: Of course.

And now it's imperative I
find this countess Chandra.

Didn't she own an exclusive
health spa in Majorca?

Still does.

10 seconds, George.

Don't rattle me.

Majorca.

I've got to get to Majorca.

Uh, we're going there,
on our way.

And we'll be very happy
to give you a lift.

Really? Yes.

Gosh, that's terrific.

I go there every year.
Charles won't try it.

He was in the infantry.
You know, all that mud.

Mud?

Well, how'd I do?

Not bad. I just beat you.

Sure you won't have a pineapple?

Ok.

Thank you, countess.
I'm very grateful.

It's been my pleasure.

[ CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING ON TV ]

We have a problem.

Julie's in the hospital.

The man who chief Agila says shot
her with the tranquilising dart

has escaped.

Chief Agila claims the man

was impersonating
sergeant sleigh.

It doesn't make sense.

Julie knew what
sleigh looked like.

Sometimes it is possible
to look like one person,

but actually be another.

Ta-da!

[ GASPS ] My god!

It's fantastic!

Oh, darling.

Uh, don't kiss him too hard.

His lips might fall off.

What?

Just a little surgical humour.

Here, have a look.

Happy?

Hey, is that the little yacht?

Sí, senor.

You can't see the spa from here.

It's about a quarter
of a mile inland.

I sure would like
to case the layout.

That won't be easy.

Wow.

Whoa!

Get up!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Have you tried that?

No.

It looks like fun.

No, it looks like suicide.

[ SCREAMING ]

Uhh!

Oh! Oh, no! Ohh!

Oh!

[ MOANING ]

Are you all right?

Yes. Yes, I think I am,
thank you.

I'm countess Chandra.

Sergeant sleigh.

Lucky you landed in the mud.

Yes. It's hot mud.

Volcanic. It's good
for the skin.

Doesn't do much for the
clothes, I'm afraid.

Would you like to rinse off?

Yes, I think I would.

This way.

Straight ahead.

To your left.

Big step.

I'll get you a towel.

I'm investigating the disappearance
of inspector Clouseau.

You just missed chief Agila.

He says you're an impostor.

Oh, he does, does he?
Well, I'm not.

And I want some answers.

Julie Morgan,
also known as Julieta Shane,

knows who I am.

I'm so glad Julie's
going to be all right.

How bizarre.
A tranquilising dart.

Who do you think shot her?

I thought you might know.

Why me?

She works for you.

Lots of people work for me.

What Julie does on her own
time is her own business.

Ah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

My god.

[ FRENCH ACCENT ]
Yes, I... I know that.

You!

Yes, it, uh... It is me.

I'm, uh, just checking
the, uh...

The bar for the bar-fleas,
you know?

Aah! Damn that swine step!

You really should do something

about your architecture
there, my darling.

Darling.

Yes, my darling?

You're smoking the wrong end.

Yes, I knew that.

You don't have to tell me
I'm smoking the wrong end.

Do you know why I'm
smoking the wrong end?

No, darling, but I'm sure
you've got a very good reason.

Right.

I am smoking the wrong end

because I have
a very good reason.

Ohh!

Are you all right?

Yes, of course I'm all right.

I'm, uh, I'm examining the roof.

Can I give you a hand?

Oh. Thank you.

Yo! Ow!

Obviously you are not a smoker.

I'm sorry.

Unh!

Ahh.

Do you realise you are
wearing my ice bucket?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's... it's stuck.

Yes, well, that is no problem.

I'm an expert in these matters.

Bend down.

Bend over.

Uhh! Uhh!

Here, let me help.

Yes, it is a question
of leverage.

Yaah!

Ohh!

Ahh.

Yes, that is better.

It goes with the suit, you know.

Oh, by the way, we have not
been properly introduced.

You, of course, know who I am?

Sergeant sleigh.

No, I am not sergeant sleigh.

No, I'm sergeant sleigh.

Oh, yes. Now we are
getting somewhere.

[ CHANDRA ] Shall we
all have a drink?

An excellent idea.

I will have my usual.
A kahlúa and root beer.

I'll just have the root beer.

You do not know
what you're missing.

It is combination that makes
a real thirst quencher.

I'm a teetotaller.

Oh. You total the tee.

I thought you were
a police sergeant.

I am.

Before I left New York,

I read you were
making another movie.

Uh, he had 2 weeks off.

Yes, I have, uh,
2 weeks off, you know.

And when I have the time, I
come here to take the waters.

Very cleansing.

I enjoy a good cleanse.

I'm afraid there's no more ice.

That's OK.

Well, here's to your
investigation, sergeant.

To inspector Clouseau.

Chief inspector.

[ COUGHS ]

Aah!

That felt good.

Have you ever seen
this man before?

No, I've never seen this man
before in my life. Never.

It's inspector Clouseau.

Chief inspector.

That's inspector Clouseau?

Chief inspector.

Do you know him?

Yes. What?

Well, he came here
about a year ago,

but he said his name
was Gino Rossi.

He wanted the name of
a good plastic surgeon,

so I recommended
Dr. Prospus Stang of Madrid.

Well, I... Guess that
just about does it.

It does?

Yes. There is one
more thing, though.

Could I have your autograph?

It's for my grandfather.

[ BUZZ ]

Hello oui?

Hello, François.

Oh, it's you.

Good afternoon. Where are you?

I am in agony.

I want you to arrange
for a hospital plane

to carry me back
to Paris immediately,

and, uh, and ask my
psychiatrist if he can see me,

5 days a week, twice a day.

Oui.

Have you heard
from sergeant sleigh?

He called about 5 minutes ago,

uh, from a health spa.

Health spa? Oui.

He asked me to check on
a man named Gino Rossi.

And then he said he was
leaving for Madrid

to question a plastic
surgeon named, uh, Stang.

Yes, well, uh,
good-bye, sergeant,

and, uh, don't be
a stranger, huh?

Ha. Thank you.

See you at the movies, huh?

Yes. [ CHUCKLES ]

Cheerio.

Did that swine
architect of yours

move that door by any chance?

There goes the last
of our problems.

Yes. Come on.

Where are we going?

Let's celebrate.

I haven't seen it
for such a long time.

Well, I've not been
too well, you know?

Not that. The pink panther.

I was just checking.

[ GASPS ]

Oh, my god!

It's gone!

Swine phantom!

I interrogated Dr. Stang,

who admitted that he had
operated on Clouseau's face.

This is what he looked
like after the operation.

He stole the pink panther,

had his face changed, and then
called himself Gino Rossi.

And you are sure he's dead?

The Valencia...

According to the... go ahead.

You wanted to say something?

No, no. After you.

You're sure? Yes, please.

All I wanted to say is
that the Valencia police

identified the man in the
photograph as a John dough

who had been shot

and whose corpse was found
washed up on the beach.

Obviously killed
for the diamond.

Obviously.

Should we have the body
exhumed just to make sure?

Uh, no.

Ahem. I have compared
Clouseau's fingerprints

with those of the dead man,

and, uh, they are identical.

Oh, yes. There is no doubt
that Clouseau is dead.

A good cop gone bad.

Yes, well... [ CHUCKLES ]

You've certainly proved

that you are a good cop,
sergeant,

a credit to the profession.

On behalf of the president
and the people of France,

I congratulate you. Good-bye.

Thank you, sir.

[ Laughs ] Good-bye.

Good-bye, Mr. Rossi,

alias chief inspector Clouseau.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Ahh.

Peace at last!

Ahh!

[ CHUCKLING ]

Well, bon voyage, sergeant.

Well done.

You should come again sometime.

Thank you.

Dreyfus: Help! Help!

I'm burning! Hurry up!

Get the hose!

The... the hose! There!

Dreyfus: Hurry up!

Help!

Help! Hurry up!

Hit the water!

Help! Oh, help!

Aah!

Aah!

Check.

Mate!

Ah.

Beautiful.

Do you, um, recommend
countess Chandra's?

Definitely.

In fact, I'd love to go back
there and spend more time.

By the way, I seem
to be missing a glove.

Always leave something,
for something is my motive.

What's yours?

Never look a gift horse
in the mouth.

I'll drink to that.

[ CLINK CLINK ]

[ CLATTER ]