Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

( Rock music playing )

♪ I'm the kind of guy who likes to kick off his shoes ♪

♪ and I'm the kind of guy

♪ that likes to have nothing to do ♪

♪ so I have the kind of life they say... ♪

man: And everybody says the same exact thing,

"don't worry, Max, there's someone special out there for you."

What do they think, I'm not trying?

- Mate, it's not you-- - you know what, Henry?

I don't think she exists. And the truth is,

if I did find her, I don't think I'd know what to do anyway.

- Max, stop beating yourself up. - I don't know how to date.

What is dating? I mean, look at those two.

Even that guy has a girlfriend.

- I am such a schmuck. - Dude!

Look, the last thing you need right now is a girlfriend.

Some chick messing with your head. Going psycho on you.

Pretty soon she'd start pulling the same crap all women do.

They think it's their mission to change us.

Even though they're the ones that are screwed up.

Like they'll dress all sexy to get your attention,

but then you follow one home from a bar

and she slaps a restraining order on you.

You kidnapped her dog.

That's not the point.

The point is, that before you know it,

she'd have been nagging you into submission,

keeping you on a leash, away from your friends.

You know what the best part of a blow job is?

10 minutes of silence.

No man understands women.

It's like we're genetically programmed

to think differently.

Never mind, we have bigger problems.

Jonas has invited president chumly

to watch us test the replicator today.

Aw, what's he want to do something stupid like that for?

The genetics conference is less than a week away,

we don't know how well the replicator works, so Jonas is losing his mind.

- Hey, Felix. - Oh, Jesus.

- What crawled up your ass? - Just look at yourselves.

We're presenting our work to the president of the university,

and you look like you just got out of bed.

I did just get out of bed. I'm very tired.

I've been spending 100 hours a week in the lab for the last six months

to make sure my work is ready.

- What have you been up to? - He has been busy kissing Jonas' ass.

Ha, ha, ha. You're gonna be late.

Why is he like that?

Oh.

Man: Take a good look, sir,

- because you won't believe your eyes otherwise. - It's true.

What Dr. Fromer has done here is absolutely amazing.

- Felix. - Mm-hmm?

If you feel comfortable removing your nose,

face, and head from Jonas' ass,

Henry could use some help over there.

At least one of us is giving Dr. Fromer the respect he deserves.

- Is that what that is? Yes, that's-- - yes, that's--

- don't make fun-- - I don't--

oh, that is so obnoxious!

A single drop of her blood contains

all the genetic information we need.

We simply put it in the replicator,

where it will combine with a special

hormone growth solution that I have developed.

- Okay, let's get to it. - Yes.

Okay.

This better work.

Now president chumly, a single drop of blood,

or strand of hair, contains all the genetic information we need.

Then with the hyper-replicator,

we can circumvent the normal stages of development

and instantly create a full grown adult clone.

- Here's the original. - And here's fluffy--

I'll take this.

President chumly, meet fluffy ii.

Um, fluffy ii.

Chumly: Fantastic work, Jonas.

I was getting a little worried when I fought so hard

to get the international genetics conference here

that you were going to let me down.

But now the world will be stunned when we present this.

- You'll make springdale university famous. - He'll do better than that!

He'll make it super-famous.

I couldn't have done it without your support, sir.

He couldn't have done it at all.

Say, I'm going to lunch with the trustees.

- Why don't you join me? - I'd be delighted, sir. Thank you.

I'll be right there. Just give me a minute with my staff.

"Super." ( Chuckles )

I want a full biological review done on that rodent.

Cellular morphology,

growth rate, brainwave functions,

sexual viability, everything.

A full biological? But look, she's fine.

As you may recall, we thought that about the last fluffy ii.

Until she mysteriously imploded.

( Squishes )

We need to present a perfect clone

at the conference next week,

and if we don't...

You can forget about that associate professorship.

That dick! I've been here for years.

I practically developed the hyper-replicator.

- You know that. - I know, yeah.

Jonas said he would make me associate professor if I stuck by him.

Henry, I have stuck-- oh, I've stuck.

- I know you stuck. - He can't do this.

- I deserve the promotion. - And you will get it.

There's no way he could deny you after this presentation.

If everything goes all right.

Were you even paying attention in there?

We can make enough hamsters

to feed every starving kid in Thailand.

You can't feed hamsters to the children.

Henry, any number of things could go wrong.

He's rushed us into this conference

with not enough time for a proper biological examination.

You are too focused on that lab.

You need to chill out. Just go out

and find some hot chick to Jack your beanstalk.

- That's brilliant. That's what I need. - Yes!

- That is not what I need! - Of course it is!

What I need is... Is...

You have chosen wisely, my son.

Max: No, no, no. No, Henry.

It'll end badly. It always ends badly.

- Oh god, she's just stunning! - Yes.

What could I possibly have in common with that woman?

( Laughs )

God.

You might as well just hand over your balls right now.

- You're not a man anymore. - She's out of my league.

Girls like that date pro athletes or rock stars.

Henry: What are you talking about, rock stars?

I'm just being realistic. I'm a lab assistant.

It's not really the kind of thing women find exciting, ever.

Woman: Excuse me. Hi.

Didn't I see you in Dr. Fromer's lab this afternoon?

- Yes. - Yeah-- yes.

Listen, I am a huge fan of genetics.

Oh, I'm sorry. You guys probably get that all the time.

- Ummm... - Not as much as you'd think.

Well, I'm Kate Carson. And I'm doing a piece on genetics

for "modern science" magazine.

I interviewed Dr. Fromer this morning about the hyper-replicator.

Well, then today is your lucky day.

Because Max here, he knows everything about the replicator.

I'm sure he could... Fill you in.

That would be wonderful.

- And this is a clone? - No, this is just a beta test.

There've been a few kinks.

Well, she looks healthy to me.

- You... - How long have you been doing this?

Since I was five.

Did you watch Scooby-doo when you were little?

Of course I did.

Remember the one where the rich,

handsome oil tycoon asked velma out on a date,

and she curiously and ambiguously declines?

- Vaguely. - Same episode shaggy gets cloned.

Ever since I saw that, I have been hooked.

I had to be the guy that made cloning a reality.

With this technology, Kate, the possibilities are endless.

We can save endangered species from becoming extinct.

We can grow human organs for transplants.

We might even be able to cure cancer.

I'm going off. But the point is...

I love genetics. I always have.

And I think I can make the world a better place.

I know exactly what you mean.

I have wanted to be a journalist since I was a kid.

I always thought I could help-- ( Screams )

She bit me!

- Fluffy! - Is she okay?

She's a little dizzy, but she's fine.

- How's your finger? - It's fine, it's just a little blood.

- Oh, boy. - I think I need a band-aid.

I've got some in the first work station,

in the second drawer.

- Are you going to be okay? - I'll be fine.

I just have a little problem with blood.

But, I'm sorry. I should have warned you about fluffy--

that fluffy's still sort of adjusting to being alive.

Please, don't even worry about it.

- It's fine. - Are you sure you're going to be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Oh, god, is that clock right?

I'm late.

I should have been on my way to the airport 10 minutes ago.

- Derek's going to kill me. - Derek?

- Your brother Derek? - No, he's my boyfriend.

Oh, there he is.

- He's a professional athlete? - No, don't be ridiculous.

He's a rock star. Hi.

That's Derek waters from green snake.

You're dating...

Derek waters?

He's touring Europe next month and I'm tagging along.

- Honey, I am so sorry I'm late. - That's cool, baby.

They're not going to leave without their lead guitarist.

Max, thanks for everything.

Meeting you was inspirational.

- Inspirational? That guy's a tool. - Derek!

Damn.

Felix...

( Humming )

( Beeping )

( Electrical static )

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's not responding. What is this?

( Groans )

It was a dream.

It was all a dream.

A dream I had on the floor of the lab.

( Glass clinks )

Don't be scared. It's okay.

I am not going to hurt you.

Here...

You can put this on.

It'll keep you warm.

Woman: Warm.

You can talk.

Okay, I'm coming down.

Hey.

I am your friend.

Okay?

( Sniffs )

See that?

Yeah, it's okay.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Ow!

( Laughs )

That's funny.

It's funny.

Come on.

That's right.

It's okay.

Up you go.

- Oh my... - Da-da?

No, no da-da.

I'm Max.

I Max.

No.

I'm Max and you're Kate.

- No, that's a mistake. - Kate.

You can't be Kate, because Kate is Kate.

How about Jill? Jill is pretty trendy.

Kate! Kate, Kate, Kate!

- Don't touch that! - Kate, Kate, Kate...

( Stuttering )

- Don't touch that. - ( Glass shattering )

Definitely don't-- okay, that's breakable.

Kate!

Kate it is.

Oh, Jonas... shit.

Aaah!

Always on time, you son of a bitch!

No!

Do not eat the hamsters!

Do not eat the hamsters!

Okay. Stop it! Stop it!

Let's go! We have to go!

And then we can get you some food.

Just go out the window.

Okay? Hey, hey! Go out the window.

Just go right out the window.

Whoa, whoa. Not this one.

It's bad. See? Look, look, look.

Pick yourself up, and just...

Watch out for the thorns!

- Morning, sir. - Well, well, well.

I see you are finally showing the kind of dedication I expect.

You'll be glad to hear the replicator's working perfectly.

I'm just dog-tired. So I'm going to get some sleep.

I'll see you.

Oh, god. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, dear. Kate! Kate!

Do not eat the hamsters!

Yup. I love college.

- What's up? - Oh, thank god!

- Thank god you're here! - This better be important.

It's 7:00 A.M. my morning wood ain't even up yet.

I had a little accident at the lab last night.

- Did you break the replicator? - Not exactly.

- Did you sit on fluffy? - Do you remember Kate,

- the "modern science" goddess from yesterday? - Yes, yes!

- I cloned her. - Oh, yeah. Ha ha.

Very funny, mate. Are you even a reporter?

Or are you just some old friend

he roped into pulling this lame gag?

When it comes to jokes, you are crap.

- Henry! - ( Snorting )

Oh, shit.

I still don't believe it.

A human clone!

You made a fully grown,

biologically correct...

Extremely sexy, human clone, Max!

Completely illegal, Henry.

I could go to jail! We're so screwed!

We're screwed?! Fuck that.

Henry, I'm talking about the clone and I.

Look, I could use some help here. Please.

Yeah, sure. You only have to ask.

Okay. Right.

First of all,

we got to make sure no one finds out about her.

She can't be a clone unless there's an original.

And the original's in Europe, right?

( Sneezes )

All we got to do is teach her to behave like a normal person.

- Unless of course she's a total moron. - No, no, no.

- She's not a total moron. - ( Scoffs )

She just hasn't had time to assimilate. Her brain is perfect.

It's like a sponge.

It's conceivable she could learn in a day

what would normally take years.

She's a blank slate right now.

So we could program her.

She's not a VCR. What are you talking about?

We could make a woman

who likes sports and action movies,

and hanging out in the bars.

And not cats,

or wine coolers, or foreplay.

Max: You mean, make a woman

who acts exactly like a man.

Exactly. The perfect woman.

A woman that men can actually understand.

What did you do that for?

I don't know.

I mean, yes, we have to assimilate her.

Stop it!

I suppose to a certain extent it is our duty

to try and make a better human being.

Exactly!

Now, she shouldn't have tantrums,

or be obsessed about her weight.

- She has to learn to drive. - Both: Stick!

Football on Sunday does not end until...

- Both: Monday night. - Henry: This is perfect.

- There's so much stuff. - There's a ton of stuff.

Max: I don't even know where to begin.

( Urinating )

My vote is for housebreaking.

That's nasty.

Oh, come on!

These are books.

We learn things by reading these.

Henry: Television, however,

is much easier to use and much more fun.

Television.

- This is a home arcade system. - Very cool.

I've got 49 games that you can play on this,

48 of which are sports games.

Sometimes it is fun to watch one's friends puke.

- Puke. - This is toilet paper.

This is hair.

- Never spend more than five minutes styling. - Definitely.

Maybe 10.

This, too-- toilet paper.

When you're really in a pinch...

- Jonas is an... - Asshole.

- When we see Felix, we... - Kick him.

- These are nipples. - Nipples.

Now show me yours.

- No, no, don't! You don't have to do that. - Come on!

Stop it! Would you cut it out?

These are flowers.

Flowers are not important. No, bad.

- Movies with singing. - Oh, crap!

- Unacceptable. - Yes, seriously.

Size doesn't matter.

Run. I run.

You run. Henry runs.

I run, you run, Henry runs, I get it already.

Are we gonna sit here all day? Can we go do something fun?

Come on! Give me your best.

Split finger fastball.

- Got it? - Got it.

All right. Throw it to Henry.

That's not Henry.

Sorry, mate, she's never played baseball before.

Look, I didn't do it! No, no, no!

- Don't hit me! - That's called "getting bitch slapped."

This is pizza.

We eat food to survive.

I'll be damned.

This--

this is how we make pizza.

- ( Kate screaming ) - Henry: It's stuck.

- Whoa, whoa! - Steady, girl!

Okay, have some-- ow!

This is beer.

- Beer is good. - Mmm!

( Belches )

Beer is good.

- I like that. - That's just impressive.

- Give her another one. - Have another one.

- Kate: Split tailback, draw up the middle. - Henry: Good.

All right, pop quiz. What's this one?

Nature documentary.

If it's about sharks, or animals attacking people,

- they're good. Otherwise, boring. - Excellent.

High five.

Um... like this.

Yeah, this way. Like...

Max: Nazi zombies! Kill them!

That's good! Very good!

Very good! Very nice!

Kate, look at your face. I blew your head right off!

Well, it was an accident. Nasty mess.

Kate, it's only a game!

Kate, stop it! Stop it!

Your right foot, that's your gas.

That's what's going to make you go.

Now, your left foot... That's your brake!

Oooh!

Can you believe how quick she picks this stuff up?

- It's incredible! - Yeah.

- So long as we keep teaching her what's important. - Oh, yeah.

- ( Tires screeching ) - Man: Oh, my god! My leg!

I think I'm going to go start the car.

( Faint music on TV )

"The wedding singer" is good?

Oh, yeah.

"The wedding singer" is the best.

- What's that? - That's called kissing.

It's what two people who like each other do

to show each other that they like each other.

I like you, Max.

I like you too, Kate.

But I don't think we should do anything--

You taste like pepperoni. I'm hungry.

Okay, here you go.

- Nice and snug. - Thank you, Max.

This is the best day I've ever had.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- What's that? - Whoa, whoa!

Oh, man. That's my--

- that's my Johnson. - It's gotten bigger since this morning.

That's what happens when a man finds a woman attractive.

- Kate... - Do these get harder, too?

( Crunch, screams )

( Screams )

That's okay. That's okay.

Learning time is over.

So, good night.

Good night.

( Woman moaning )

- So that's what you do with a Johnson. - Uh-huh.

- Do you always have to do it in a hot tub? - Oh no, no.

You can do it wherever you like, and at any time.

And with as many girls as possible.

You don't even have to know their names.

Damn it.

What is wrong with you? Why are you showing her that?

Well, you said show her what's important.

- This is very important to me. - Oh, come on!

Watching all this porn is making me horny!

( Laughs ) This is awesome!

No, no sex.

- We have enough to worry about as it is. - Can we do some of this?

What do we think about when we don't want to think about sex?

Announcer: ...Goes around the left side!

He finds a hole, he's going for it!

( Belches )

Look at that!

The defense is playing like shit!

Get to the quarterback! Don't let him scramble!

Get in there and put him on his ass!

Dude, we are fucking geniuses!

This game sucks! Let's go home and have sex.

We are ready to close out here!

Come on, please. Pretty please?

- That's not a good idea. - Oh, come on.

Listen, I learned some really cool stuff from those pornos.

And there's that one thing called a blow job?

- I could do it right here. - No, no, no!

Stop it! Stop it!

No, you're not ready for blow jobs.

I'm not?

- No. - Dude!

Damn, I better practice.

Excuse me!

Anybody want a blow job?

- I do. - I do!

Sit down!

On second thought, let's go. Let's go home.

Yes!

Hey, wait.

We should probably ask another woman to join us,

- because they always do that in the videos. - Is that what they do?

- Yeah. - Thank you, Henry!

My friend Max is going to take me home

and fuck me like the bitch I am.

- Do you want to come? - That's the heroin talking.

What's heroin?

Her face was a picture! Her jaw was just like...

- Sex. Now. - I heard that!

I'd really love to, Kate, but I feel like it raises

all sorts of complications involving, you know,

emotional attachment.

Less talking, more sex.

A valid argument. Still, though...

There are numerous ethical dilemmas

inherent in the act, including...

- ( Belt unbuckling ) - Lower.

No! Technically you're only two days old.

You don't want to have sex with me?

No, I don't.

Yes, I do.

( Knocking at door ) Max!

I think you accidentally locked the door.

( Door rattles )

It's definitely locked.

( Moaning )

If I could just get my leg back, I think maybe I...

- Can I... - Oh, yeah.

Could we just-- could we slow down?!

Shh!

( Screams, crunch )

( Max yells )

This kicks the shit out of kissing!

High five!

Well, I'm beat.

Kate?

You want to talk?

- Kate? - ( Snorts )

Morning, babe.

You were great last night.

I feel like I just got back from the rodeo.

I hope you're hungry, because I made you an omelet, or something like an omelet.

I'm good, thanks.

Oh, okay.

- You know what would look good on you this morning? - What's that?

Me!

No, no.

- I have to go to work. - Can I go?

No, no, no, no.

I need you to stay here and hold down the fort.

Like a trooper.

And there are rules for when I'm gone.

Okay? Rule number one:

Brush your teeth several times.

Rule number two: And this is an important one,

no leaving the house when I'm not here.

If anything happens, I want you to call me

at this special emergency number.

It says lab.

Kate?

- Kate, did you hear me? - Yeah, whatever.

When will you be home?

I don't know exactly.

I have a lot of work to do today.

But there's plenty of things here

you can entertain yourself with.

- ( TV volume increases ) - A globe, some dice, a book.

You should try reading a book, or a magazine!

And then there's albums and cds,

and of course there's always the television as well!

Max!

- We got a problem! - I was drunk, I was weak.

You know I didn't mean to sleep with her.

- Big mistake. - Yeah, it just got bigger.

- It couldn't possibly get any bigger. - We meet again.

- ( Screams ) - See, I told you

he'd be excited to see you.

You? What happened? You were flying.

- You were jetting. - No, "modern science" read my copy

and thought there was a bigger story here.

So Jonas agreed to let me spend a week in the lab.

He's even renting me his guest room.

I am going to be here until your presentation.

- Isn't that exciting? - More than you could possibly imagine.

What about your boyfriend? Isn't he upset?

He's not my boyfriend anymore. We broke up.

He seemed like such a nice guy and very talented.

Maybe you should go back and give it a second chance.

- Patch things up. - I don't think that's going to happen.

After talking to you the other day,

I realized how truly important my work is to me.

And Derek just never got that.

It was time to break it off.

- Is something wrong? - No...

I just didn't think I was going to see you again--

for the rest of my life.

I just hope you don't get sick of me,

because I'm going to be around you guys 24 hours a day.

Oh, look who finally decided to join us this morning.

I need you to look at fluffy ii.

- Something's wrong with her. - With fluffy? What's wrong?

This is all she does.

Jonas: Well, I suppose if we were putting on

an all hamster production of

"one flew over the cuckoo's nest,"

we'd be in pretty good shape, wouldn't we?

We have a genetics conference in three days,

and we don't yet have a perfect clone!

So, nobody leaves this lab

until this problem is fixed.

I have important business to take care of tonight.

Well, that's a shame.

And here I thought you were becoming quite...

Dedicated to this job.

Max, if fluffy has gone all funny,

- do you think there's anything wrong-- - no, she has a human brain.

It's the most advanced learning device ever known to man.

She's probably at home memorizing the encyclopedia.

- Yes! - Henry: Go.

Go... Go...

So much for the replicator, huh?

Ahh! God!

( Gasps )

Jonas: My hormone growth solution

provides the extra kick, if you will,

to the growth medium.

And thus with the hyper-stimulated cell division--

you can bypass the stages of normal cell growth

to create an adult clone. Impressive...

But how do you deal with the ketone shift

in mitochondrial variation during rapid cellular mitosis?

Well, I wouldn't want to bore you

with the technical jargon, miss Carson.

Because it's very, very complicated stuff.

Oh my goodness, I wonder what's going on

over there at the hamster research station?

Well, it looks like fluffy ii

has stopped running into the wall.

That's because she's knocked herself unconscious.

Even after I put a helmet on her.

Felix: I figured out what's wrong.

The cloning process messes up the brain.

Fluffy ii's pain receptors

actually formed as pleasure receptors,

which explains why she keeps bumping her head into the wall.

She finds the experience joyful.

Felix...

Only you could come up with a scientific theory

involving the phrase, "messes up the brain."

Now please tell me one of you

has actually learned something today?

Wait a second.

That's it, sir-- learning.

There's nothing wrong with fluffy ii's brain.

She just hasn't had any experience yet.

She will learn how to behave

from other members of her species.

We isolated this clone.

I think we should put her with other hamsters.

Are you saying a clone made from this process

has the capacity to learn?

Yes, sir.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

( Kate yelling )

Ow.

Do you think I could get that interview now?

No, but Felix will be happy to sit down with you.

We'll speak tomorrow.

So...

You seem like a really nice person.

( Tires screeching )

( Hammering )

Oh, hi!

I found this under your bed, and I need some

of these tit restraining devices.

Stop it.

Hi, I'm Brandy. How are you guys today?

I'm walking on air. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine. Thank you.

Is there anything I can help you with?

- Yeah, we need a shitload of bras. - Oh. Okay.

What size are you?

I don't know. What's it look like?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Sorry.

She's from...

- Hollywood. - Oh.

You look like a size 36c.

I'll go check basic support,

and why don't you feel free to look around?

- Thanks, Brandy. - Uh-huh.

Okay...

You can't show your boobs to everybody.

There are rules. We'll talk about them.

Okay, this is...

This is a thong.

Girls like them.

I don't really understand why.

- Hey! - Hey.

Okay, this. Try these on.

If it fits, we can get out of here.

So, we have only known each other a day

and you're already buying me lingerie?

Do you always move this fast?

Yes, always. No, no, I don't.

I just enjoy shopping for lingerie.

- I have a knack for it. - Oh...

Yes, you do.

Listen, I interviewed Felix,

but I understand you're the one I need to talk to.

So if you have some time right now,

- I would love to get this interview-- - now's not so great.

( Gagging )

- How did you know my size? - Just a lucky guess!

I'm a lucky guy. Well, what do you say we try it on?

Not together of course.

Careful, there's broken glass in there.

Okay, I don't know if this is a shitload, but here.

Brandy, these are all dreadful.

All of them. Could you get more?

( Coughing )

- Shopping is over. Let's go. - No, wait.

I need some bras and I don't want to come here again.

- Everything tastes bad. - Fine, how's this?

- Okay, let me just try-- - not out here!

You do that in a changing room.

Okay? Go to the changing...

Oh, no.

What are you doing back here?

You're not supposed to be in here!

I know. I know that.

But I found something else that I think you might like.

Oh, really? What?

Ma'am, I think you are really going to like--

- this. I found this. - What are you doing here?

Wait! This is racier than the one I asked for.

There's nothing wrong with being a little racy.

- Go... - I'm going.

- We're leaving. - How's it look?

What the hell happened?

It looks great. Let's go.

Why are you still here?

- I told you to leave. - Yes, I heard you.

But I'm waiting for you.

I don't care where you are from, you are out of here, buddy!

- Move. - I heard you.

- Go, go, go. - I understand completely.

- Speed it up. We got to go! - Fucking relax, I'm coming.

Max...

Please, please...

Thank you. Come on, let's go! Let's go!

Sorry to rush you. You just look so good.

I can't wait to get you home.

Woman: If you're in that big of a hurry,

why don't we do it in the dressing room?

Aaah! Ah.

Can you help this nice woman?

Sir, you can't--

but, I just-- but, it--

hi, I'm Brandy, can I help you?

Damn, I look good.

We have to go now! Come on, come on.

- I'm not dressed. - Please!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the capital of america?

- What's america? - Okay.

Uh, thank you.

Sir, sir, sir...

Sir... Hey, Hollywood!

Excuse me? I had a pink dress I picked out,

and somebody swiped it. You think you could grab me another--

- miss, are you okay? - Get away!

We're never coming back again, or anywhere else.

Let's do something fun. Like have sex!

- What are you doing?! - I saw this on "cops"!

( Car alarm beeping )

Whoa! Hey, don't!

No, stop it!

Jesus, god!

I don't want to do this right now.

But you wanted to last night.

I was drunk last night, and vulnerable.

- And you took advantage of that. - I know.

- Isn't it cool what beer does to you? - No...

Sometimes.

I think maybe we moved too fast.

I just need some time, okay?

To sort things out.

( Groans )

Okay, whatever.

( Softly ) Okay.

I'm sorry about this.

But you know what?

- We can find other fun stuff to do. - You can.

- All I need is a six pack of malt liquor and a vibrator. - ( Tires screech )

- Nice job. - Thank you.

So what happened to you last night?

- You didn't even say goodbye. - I know.

It was so rude of me.

I remembered my lights in my car...

I see you at the mall and the next thing I know, I'm down to my underwear.

- Believe me, I don't usually do that. - Oh, me neither.

But now that we've done that,

- I think you owe me an interview. - Yes, I do.

- Are you hungry? - I sure am.

Woman on TV: He asked me to be his friend.

After you came on to him, little miss home wrecker!

- What?! - Yeah...

"Oh, Rick, you can have me anytime you want me."

Rick is off limits. You do not talk to him, you don't call him.

You don't ever see him again.

Otherwise, I will be all over you

like a fly on you-know-what.

- Genetics lab. - Is Max there?

You just caught us. We were heading out to lunch.

- Just you and him? - Yeah.

You sound awfully familiar. Do I know you?

You will, bitch.

( Sniffs )

Damn!

( Horn honking )

( Tires screeching )

( Yelling )

Man: Hey, watch where you're going!

What are you looking at?!

Kate, have you seen Max?

No, apparently he went to lunch with some whore.

Oh, interesting.

Well, I have a lunch with president chumly,

could you do me a favor and watch these hamsters

until Max returns from his lunch with the whore?

These are Max's hamsters?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take care of them.

( Screeching )

- Hey, Kate. - Hey.

That's going to make her dizzy. Fun though, huh?

Looks like she's out of food.

If you want to help me feed her,

the hamster food is just in that cabinet.

Sounds like a thrill a minute.

She gets a half cup of the kibble

and a dropper of the vitamin.

Holy mother of god.

Are you looking at my ass, Henry?

Yeah, a little bit.

Look, I know you're just getting over a boyfriend--

no, he's not my boyfriend. We just screwed without emotional attachment.

Really? Would you be open

to screwing additional people

without emotional attachment?

Oh, yeah.

I'm open to screwing as many people as possible.

Well, what say you and I get together sometime soon?

- Two minutes soon enough? - That'll work.

Rock and roll!

I got to take a piss, but I'll be right back.

I am such a stud!

It'd be great to finally get in the lab with you guys.

Yeah.

- Wow. - What is it?

You smell terrific. What is that?

It's just a girly herbal shampoo

and a little bit of Jasmine perfume.

Jasmine, I'm going to have to go right back in.

One more time.

You know, we have to get blood samples from the fluffies now,

and you know how I am with blood.

I'm just... ah.

So if you want to help out,

- that could be... - I would love to.

Yes!

Let me go to the restroom and I'll be right back.

- Okay. - Okay.

( Toilet flushes )

- Excuse me. - Screw you, lady!

Okay.

Wow, that was really fast.

Not as fast as that slut you had for lunch.

- Hi, guys! How was lunch? - Cram it in your pie hole, asswipe!

We're busy!

- What are you doing here?! - I came here to kick your ass for screwing around.

But now I'm going to bone Henry.

So, there, Max! Besides, you had lunch with that whore.

Don't you call her that. Besides, that was for work.

You don't have any interest in her?

- No... - Then put your money where your mouth is.

Blow off work and let's go to happy hour!

I can't do that. I still have a test to run in the lab.

You pussy! I'm gonna go anyhow.

Maybe I can find somebody cool to join me.

No, wait, wait! Okay, we'll go. We'll go.

You and I, to happy hour. I just need a minute.

- Will you give me one minute? - What am I going to do now for a minute?

It's not that long.

Food. That's food.

Here, here. Take it all. Get yourself some food.

You know you're hungry, and I know you're hungry.

Hot dogs, okay? But don't go anywhere else. I'll be right back.

Hey, Felix. How was lunch?

Fine. Just fine, thanks.

Good.

- Hey. - Hi.

Are you ready to get busy?

Sure, do you want to do it right here?

In the lab? With Felix watching?

Kate: Yeah, why not?

- You're not shy now, are you? - Well, yeah, a little bit.

I mean, since you and I have never

- done this together before. - It's just a little prick.

And then we're done, right? Hey, where's Max?

He said he was going to join us.

- You asked Max to join us?! - Yeah, it was all his idea.

No, there must be something wrong.

Max wouldn't-- what's that for?!

To take the blood samples.

No, that's not necessary,

'cause I was going to wear a condom.

Why don't you just grab the hamsters,

and we'll get started?

You want to use hamsters?!

I don't know anyway to do it without them?

- Well, the thing is-- - Henry, Henry.

Max, thank god you're here!

Felix!

Will you give me a hand here?

( Screams )

( Gulping )

( Belches )

Whoa.

The original was the clone. You were speaking to the clone.

The clone came while we were away, then the original came back.

I got to get the clone home before the original sees her.

What was the first bit again?

The, uh...

- You were speaking to the clone. - Who's that?

That's the original!

- But she wanted to... - Just keep an eye on things!

Okay, I'll cover.

There's something wrong with fluffy ii.

- She sounds sick. - Sick?

- What's wrong with fluffy ii? - What's up?

- I don't know. - ( Hamster belches )

It just seems like indigestion. Did you take samples?

- No, not yet. - Get me a hypo, Henry.

- But that's blood! - There's no time. Get the needle!

Are you sure? What if there's something wrong

- with the cloning process? - There is nothing wrong with the process.

Hello, everybody!

How's our project coming along?

Just fine, sir. This is a perfectly healthy clone.

- ( Crowd cheers ) - That is fucking awesome!

What did you do?!

( Screams )

I just stuck in the needle. I stuck in the needle.

- I knew she was sick! - So, what does that mean?

Every clone we make is going to explode?

Oh, no. Oh, no!

( Screams )

Please move! Please!

Oh, god. Oh, god.

- You don't look so good. - I don't feel so good.

I feel like I'm going to burst.

Oh, Jesus, you are! Take cover!

We all might die! Everyone take cover!

We need a doctor immediately!

Sir, there are others in front of you.

Listen to me... Mary langner.

This is a matter of life and death.

That woman could explode at any minute.

When she does, the whole building comes down with her.

I need every doctor you've got,

- and possibly the bomb squad. - What's wrong?

Am I going to be okay?

I think that's the last of her.

I think there's a little bit of intestines up here.

Actually, I believe that's her spleen.

Jonas: I don't care what it is!

Just clean it up.

Get it off the ceiling if you don't mind.

Where's Max?

He had an emergency to take care of.

Oh, he had an emergency to take care of.

Oh, I see. That all makes sense to me.

Do me a small favor, if anybody hears from Max,

would you give him a message for me?!

Would you tell him to get his ass back here?!

- Now! - Okay.

She's had a little bit too much soda.

But otherwise she's fine.

So, that's it?

I mean, she's not going to explode?

No. No.

In fact, she's the healthiest person

- I have ever seen in my life. - Really?

Not an ounce of cholesterol, perfect x-rays,

every blood cell seems to be brand new.

If I leave this thing on long enough,

my whole arm turns purple. Look!

She's not the brightest bulb on the tree, is she?

Hey, do you know what's on tonight?!

Wrestling! Let's order a pizza!

I don't want pizza. I think I'm going on a diet.

You are starting to pudge up.

Max: Just once I'd love to sit down and just...

I don't know, talk.

Hello? Can we-- will you talk to me?

- Can we do that? - I do not think so.

Okay?

- You know, that's not funny! - I smell the cookin'!

We never talk!

- I'm not just some thrusting, virile-- - okay, fine, fine!

Come here. Okay.

We can talk, okay?

We can have a nice,

happy conversation about...

Ouch, that's a little rough.

- ...wrestling! - ( Machine beeps )

Dude, it's Henry. Listen, your job is on the line.

Jonas is so pissed at you, that that vein on his head--

damn it, Kate! Would you get off of me!

- Gotcha! - Hi, Max, it's Kate.

You know someone else named Kate?

- Uh... - Who is she?!

Stop that! It's no one important!

- Ow! - Who is she?!

She's a reporter I went to lunch with.

She's covering my work.

- Do you want to screw her? - We're just friends!

We just have a lot in common.

I just enjoy being with her.

Sounds like a total waste of time.

Okay, tubby, enough foreplay!

Time for some sex!

Not tonight. I have a headache.

Oww!

Max, how'd it go last night?

- Anymore problems with repli-Kate? - Problems?

All I have is problems.

We still have to move the replicator

into the auditorium for the presentation.

We have no idea what happened to poor fluffy ii,

and I have an insane clone literally destroying my apartment.

She's developed a real attitude problem.

What do you mean?

What I mean is, I think we made a mistake.

We should have exposed her to at least a few feminine influences.

- Like what, douching? - I'm serious.

I'm hanging out with repli-Kate

and she's acting just like a guy.

But it's not as good as we thought it was going to be.

- I'm beginning to wonder what women even see in us. - What is your problem?

She's a woman that acts like a man.

- It's what every man wants. - No, it's what every man says he wants.

Maybe all the things we don't understand about women,

all those little quirks that drive us crazy,

maybe those are more important than we realized.

Repli-Kate listens, but she doesn't hear me.

She's completely self-involved.

I don't know, she just doesn't get it. I feel like I'm dating...

- ...me. - I never get that lucky.

What do you think would happen if the real Kate found out?

- Don't even say that. - Don't you think she has a right to know?

Oh, you idiot.

Two identical women, and you fall for the one

that won't blow you in a bar.

Felix: Careful with that. That is expensive!

Do you understand me? Do you get it?

- Expensive. Costs a lot of money. - Is Kate here?

- Yeah, over there. - That's not going to fit through the doors.

Hey, what happened to you yesterday?

I'm so sorry I didn't call you back.

I ended up having to rush a friend of mine to the university infirmary,

- it ended up-- - Jonas: I hope I'm not interrupting,

but I just heard something very funny,

and I thought I'd share it with you, my friends.

Evidently, it was discovered that the reason

fluffy ii exploded was because

someone in here fed her hydrogen sulfate.

Now, here is the funny part.

It was discovered by miss Carson

who is not a geneticist by profession,

and yet seems to know more

about what's going on in this lab than you two

pathetic excuses for scientists.

I have a presentation in 24 hours,

and just yesterday we had to scrape

the guest of honor off the walls

with a chamois.

Now...

This replicator has to be moved,

a new clone made, and a whole new set of data derived!

If this is not done,

if this presentation is in anyway compromised,

then you will not only be out of a job tomorrow,

but I will see to it you never work in this field again.

Do you dig it?!

Sir, if you think that by threatening me,

- you can force me to be your slave, well... - Ah...

...you can. Shit.

Oh, and miss Carson, I don't think Max needs

anymore distractions from you.

Now, why don't we discuss tonight's interview at my home?

Dude, you'll be here all night.

- Repli-Kate's going to freak. - No, she won't.

- You're going to be keeping an eye on her. - What?

Just give her two six packs, a burger

and several hours of cartoons.

Okay.

Hi, Mary--

- hey. ...Langner. - Hello.

Hi, I'm from the biomedical labs here on campus.

I understand you treated a friend of mine yesterday?

She came in with someone named Max Fleming.

Oh, a tall girl, good looking, no insurance.

That's her.

Yes.

Hey.

The eighth grade was fascinating

- for a number of reasons. - This is so amazing,

and you have given me such wonderful information,

it's almost overwhelming.

I should probably get some rest

- before the big day tomorrow. - Jonas: Oh, yes.

- I do have a speech to prepare myself. - Yes, you do.

And I'm going to let you get to that.

So, thank you so much. Well, good night.

- You want a beer? - I'm not in the mood.

What's up?

It's Max.

You know, at first I thought he was cool and all.

But he's just gotten all weird on me.

He doesn't want to play video games,

he doesn't want to watch sports,

he's on a diet.

Yeah, I did notice he was starting to pudge up a bit.

Yeah, and he's not putting out.

What? You mean, you two aren't...

( Imitates whip cracking )

We did it once. And that was two days ago.

See, all I want is to have a lot of casual sex

without getting bogged down in a relationship.

- Oh, yeah. - He has these issues with it.

I mean, what's up with that?

I don't know. I've always said,

"you want to shag someone, shag 'em."

- Why bring emotion into it? - Dude, exactly.

It is not natural to want to have sex with the same person.

- Of course not. - No, and I'm young.

If somebody wants to have sex,

then I think I should have sex with them.

Especially when Max is so into...

- What did you say? - Nothing.

This is bullshit.

So he can have sex with somebody else, and I can't?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

What are you thinking?

I'm sorry to bother you so late, but I have something

- you really need to see. - Have you seen this?

- No. - That woman is giving Max

full credit for the replicator!

- Full credit! - Okay, but--

after all I've done for that kid,

and this is how he repays me?!

If this goes to print, I'm finished!

I'm not so sure about that.

You're going to want to take a look at this.

Why the long face?

( Sighs )

I just wanted to help people. That's all I wanted to do.

And now it seems like every single thing I touch turns to complete sh--

I can't stop screwing up.

Max, listen.

Every great inventor screwed up.

It took Edison over a thousand attempts to create the light bulb.

If you don't make mistakes, you never learn.

How much of the replicator was your idea?

That's hard to specify. Jonas bought all the paper,

Felix does a good job of bringing in bagels in the morning.

- Ballpark figure? - 90%.

Max, listen to me.

You are going to help people.

You know, maybe one day

you might even take credit for your own work.

- This can't be. - Felix: It is.

That's the chart for the woman Max took to the hospital.

And here's the chart for fluffy ii.

- Find this woman tonight! - I'll do my best, sir.

...and then she left me.

And for years I dreamed

that we'd get back together and maybe get married.

And we never did, because of her fucking dog.

Enough with the motor mouth. Are you ready to go again yet?

Again? It's been five years!

You know, there's a limit to how long a man can go.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, I'm out of here. - What?

- Besides, you're out of beer. - Kate!

All I need is 10 minutes and a glass of gatorade.

I'll be fine!

Kate!

Oh, my goodness.

She's perfect.

She sure is.

So, the woman that called you at the lab the other day,

was she an ex-girlfriend?

- Sort of. - Well, what was she like?

She was surprisingly like you

in a lot of ways.

Too much like me in all the others.

- To tell you the truth-- - so, you're not seeing anyone?

No.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Has anyone seen a gorgeous girl

who just wants to have sex all the time?

Yeah, she's in the back

with the easter bunny and Santa claus.

- ( Laughter ) - She better not be shagging them.

Kate? Kate!

Hey, I was just coming to surprise you.

Well, you did. Who the hell are you?

Oh, you're still mad at me.

You look amazing. Did you change your hair?

No, it just got messed up while I was banging Henry.

You slept with another guy already?

- That didn't take very long. - No shit.

It lasted two minutes, tops.

Are you doing this to get back at me,

- because you're pissed I screwed around on you? - No.

I'm doing this to get back at Max for sleeping around on me.

Max? Max!

You slept with two guys?!

Yep, and I am looking for more.

All right. Look, you made your point.

All right, I cheated on you

when I was on tour, and it was wrong.

And I am sorry, okay?

But they were groupies.

It's not like they were real women.

Oh, I don't care who you sleep with.

Wait a second, you don't care if I'm having sex

with other women while I'm having sex with you?

Wait, do you mean like a threesome?

No!

I would be totally into that.

I get off at 10:00.

I know where to go.

- Kate: That's how I feel. - Max: Me too, me too.

Thank you, Kate.

Thank you for tonight.

And everything you said.

I really needed that.

Do you know the real reason I broke up with Derek?

Because he was holding you back

from doing what you really wanted to do.

- No? - No.

Because in a million years

he would never do anything as sweet as this.

Hey, beautiful.

Do you remember when I asked you to join a threesome?

Um... yeah.

You know what? I've got my ride waiting out front.

He's dumb, but he is hot!

Could we make that a foursome?

Oh, absolutely. The more the merrier.

Let's go.

Henry: Excuse me, please.

Excuse me. Kate!

Kate, wait! Kate.

No, wait, wait. Stop.

- What? - We shouldn't do this.

- If Jonas finds us-- - no, he won't.

He's in his office practicing his speech.

Besides, I don't want you to go.

Come.

You go ahead and make yourself comfortable.

And I'm going to go freshen up.

( Music playing on radio )

( Radio shuts off )

He can't get angry at me for not finding her.

It's a big town. I'm just one guy.

She's not going to fall into my lap.

This is where you're staying, right?

It's the address your editor gave me.

Yeah, it'll do.

What is going on?

We are allowed to be here, right?

Oh, who gives a shit? Go find the bedroom.

- Go. Bedroom. - All right.

All right.

Let's get the show on the road, girls.

- Yeah, let's go. - Come on.

He finally came to his senses.

Whoa, Kate. Whoa, whoa!

Wow! Mama!

Listen, here...

I could not have dreamed this whole thing any better.

But there is something that I absolutely have to tell you--

enough talking. I have a surprise for you.

Oh, what the hell.

Hello?

Kate?

I'm back.

Felix: Jonas? Jonas!

Jonas, are you around? Jonas!

I found her, sir! She's here!

Sorry, sir. She's downstairs.

( Gasps )

I love that spot.

It's like you know me already.

Usually I wouldn't do this so fast,

but the last guy I was with...

He sucked in bed.

Go find the bedroom.

I'll be right there.

Go on ahead.

I'll be right there.

Ow!

( Door squeaks )

Thank you.

This is ridiculous.

( Both gasp )

Wow, you're as hot as I am.

Nice rack.

Oh... my... god.

- Max! - Now, Felix!

Kate: Take that bitch!

Could you be any more incompetent?

Give me a hand.

Whew.

( Moaning )

- Max: Oh my god! - Woman: Oh, yeah.

- Oh, right there! - Woman #2: Oh, yes!

- Henry: I think I'm going to explode! - Max: Henry, is that you?

- Who the hell is Henry? - Derek: Whoa, whoa.

- Is there somebody else in here? - All: Yes!

- Oh my god! - Oh my god!

Oh my god, it's Derek waters from green snake!

- Hey, what's up? - Where the hell is Kate?

- I was with Kate! - You were with Kate!

- I was with Kate! Who the hell are you? - Whoa! Whoa!

If you are all there,

then who's licking my balls?

( Screaming )

Kate! Where are you?!

Kate! Shit!

( Machine beeping )

- Oh, shit! - No shit!

You cannot do this to us, Jonas.

I'm not responsible for your situation,

Max is. He cloned you.

- I'm simply looking out for your best interests. - By kidnapping us?!

Jonas: You always wanted to be in science.

Well, now you are science.

Are you feeling lucky, punk?!

Kate...

Absolutely incredible!

- She's a perfect clone! - Those women seem scared.

- Are you sure this is the best way-- - don't be so thick-headed!

The potential of this research has always been to clone a human.

And now that Max has dropped one in our laps, you want to let her go.

Those are no longer women in there,

they're founts of information

that must be mined for science.

Now, I've got to go rehearse my speech.

You stay here.

Nobody goes in or out of that lab except me! Understand?!

Yeah.

Look alive!

You're a man short there.

If you need an extra pair of hands--

You stay away from me.

Hey!

- What's up? - Jonas has the Kates.

Oh...

And he's revised his presentation

- in order to frame us. - Frame us? What do you...

Oh, that dick!

The moment those two girls walk across that stage tomorrow,

they will become lab rats for the rest of their lives.

We have to call the cops. Where's his phone?

And say what, Henry? Help us, somebody stole our clone?

Yeah, we don't even know where they are.

We know precisely where they'll be tomorrow at 9:00 A.M.

- The presentation. - Right, so what do we do?

We use this.

Pubes?

Oh, yeah!

Max, that bastard.

How could he do this to me? To us?

I don't know.

Besides all the nagging and whining,

he was kind of cool to me.

I had fun with him.

That doesn't make what he did any less wrong.

You know, he created you

solely to have a relationship with.

Then why was he so interested in being with you?

( Chattering )

Yeah, yeah.

( Snickering )

- Get out of here. - What? I'm sorry?

- Get out of here, now! - But, I though--

get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Okay you guys, you heard him. Let's go.

Get out! Get out!

Good clone, Jonas. Such a good clone.

- That went well. - Two hours of training, he learned five words.

- Penis. - Six words.

- Wish you hadn't taught him that. - Here we go.

Son of a-- don't worry!

We're gonna get you out of here!

- Stay there. Stay! - Stay.

You have a lot of explaining to do.

I cloned you by accident.

It's no excuse, but it is the truth.

Yes, I did a terrible thing, but I am not like Jonas.

I'm still the guy I was last night,

the guy who is completely in love with you.

The guy that would do anything for you.

Could you be any sappier?

Do girls actually fall for this shit?

That's fucked up.

Kate, I cloned you by accident.

- It's not an excuse, but-- - I heard you.

- You still got a thing for cloning people. - I didn't know what else to do.

As soon as Jonas tells the world you're a clone, and that she's a clone--

- get me out of here! - Oh, right. Sorry.

You're going to be research projects

for the rest of your life.

I know you hate me right now, and I don't blame you.

But if we're gonna get out of here, we've got to work together.

Okay. What do we do?

We just have to get you out of here before Jonas makes his speech.

Where's repli-Jonas?!

- Oh, bugger me. - Find the real Jonas. Stall him.

Do not let him get to the stage.

Ah!

Here he is. Excuse me.

There you are.

I've got a room full of people waiting to see you.

"Whenever the front--

whenever the frontiers of genetics are explored,

the questions..."

Felix! Felix!

If memory serves me correct, I thought I'd asked you

to stay back at the lab and guard the Kates.

And so a question comes to mind,

- and do you know what that question is? - Uh, no.

- Why are you here? - Okay.

- I wouldn't have guessed-- - zip it!

Why don't you go back to the lab

and stay there until I tell you to leave?

You can do that for me, can't you?

- Yeah, sure. - You can do that. Do it!

Okay. Guys, guys, guys.

She sells seashells-- she sells seashells...

This is Giovanni bellini, president of the largest

genetic research company in Rome-- genitalia.

I am a big fan of your work. I'm excited to see this today.

- Get out of here! - No seriously, I'm excited.

- Ow! - Ooh, I wonder what his problem is?

Chumly: This is Max, Dr. Fromer's chief research assistant.

You must be thrilled working with a genius.

I'm here because of Dr. Fromer.

He made me what I am today.

Yes, I'm here because of Dr. Fromer.

He made me what I am today.

I have a very important question to ask the doctor. If you could excuse us?

Such fun at the staff barbecue.

First he tells me to watch the Kates,

then he tells me not to watch the Kates.

Then he says watch them again, and I'm the one who gets in trouble.

They're out! Get 'em! Go!

Go that way!

- You guys go that way. - Okay.

Here, Katie, Katie.

Where are you, Kate?

It's just me, Felix.

Hey, hey, hey. Go that way.

Who's your mama now?

It's okay.

Nothing to be afraid of. Come on out.

Kate?

Jonas, guess what? You're clone's escaped.

Felix: I wouldn't be so sure about that!

Get her!

( Applause )

How's everything in Beirut? Good.

Whenever the frontiersmen of genetics go exploring,

they can encounter questionable morality.

Why are you going this? You know that you don't have to.

I'm just a squirrel in the world trying to get a nut here.

Holy shit! Another clone!

- Jonas! - Grab him!

Another clone!

Ohhh...

And Felix is down at the 10!

- Yeah. - Oh.

Repli-Jonas!

With his hamster I will demonstrate to you

the hyper-replicator!

And your world, ladies and gentlemen,

- will never-- - wait! Stop!

( Muffled cries )

- Your world will never be the same. - Felix: Jonas!

Would you excuse me for one moment?

No, he has to...

- Max... - Ah!

- Psst. Psst. - Here, boy.

- Penis! - ( Crowd gasps )

( Chuckling )

Penis, penis, penis...

Penis.

What is going on back here?

- The Kates escaped. - Well, find the other one.

Fast! I am in the middle of my presentation.

Okay, I'll get right on that, sir.

Anything else?

Look, look, look.

( Whistling, snapping fingers )

Hey, look!

Cookie!

Max: Here boy. Look, cookie!

( Gasping )

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

As I was saying...

Guys, a little problem.

- Chumly's coming. - For crying--

- down here, quick! - Hurry.

Go on, get the cookie!

- Yeah! - Whoa!

- Cookie! - Yeah, cookie.

Chumly: You couldn't wear a dress?

What the hell is wrong with Jonas?

He's not really himself today, sir.

Why does he keep saying penis?

- He's saying genus. - No, it was penis.

We don't know.

And now we take this blood here,

and we combine it with some genetic

hormone stuff.

Put it right in the replicator.

( Beeping )

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Prepare yourself...

For the unbelievable!

A fully grown...

Adult clone!

( Growl )

Was that bad? Was that bad?!

There seems to be a small technical problem,

ladies and gentlemen, but I can assure you

that this machine does indeed work.

I swear to you,

because my assistant Max

even cloned a human being

on this machine!

And there it is!

- Wait! Let go of her! - Stop!

- And there's the original! - ( Crowd gasps )

One of them, I don't know which,

visa versa.

Oh, come on, he's lying.

- We're twins! - That's right.

If Max hadn't rescued us, Jonas would have turned us into the biggest fraud.

Don't trust them,

because these clones are crafty.

Give me a couple of minutes, I can explain.

- It wasn't us. - I can prove they're lying!

By getting blood samples from them!

Henry: Leave her alone!

We don't-- it's not necessary.

( Chattering )

Folks, I'm sure Dr. Fromer is pulling our legs here.

- Right? - Get out of my way.

I can assure you that they're--

there is not a single human clone at this university.

Hello!

- ( Screams ) - ( Imitates scream )

- Oh, Jesus! - He did it again!

He cloned me this time!

He cloned me this time!

Max, I want to know what is going on here.

And I want to know right now!

- Who made this clone? - I did.

No, he didn't, I did!

No, she didn't, I did!

No, they didn't, someone else did.

I'm here because of Dr. Fromer.

He made me what I am today.

That's right! Jonas did it.

- He's gone clone crazy! - Dr. Fromer

had absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

- Max is just protecting him. - I'm not. That's the truth.

- Max: I can explain everything. - He cloned me.

( Arguing )

It was him, it was all him!

Jesus Christ! Would all of you shut the fuck up!

( Silence )

All right, you. You, yes.

I've been watching you.

I know you're even more loyal to Dr. Fromer than Max.

I need the truth.

Jonas: Go ahead, Felix, tell them!

He's been kissing my ass for years.

He knows what I'm capable of.

- Tell them. - You know what?!

Max is full of shit. These people aren't clones.

But Dr. Fromer told me that he planned

on making human clones with that replicator.

- He's a madman! - No, no!

- Guards! - Guards.

Jonas: Wait! Stay back.

Stay back! I have tenure.

Wait! No, you idiots.

They're lying! And I can prove it!

Just let me get a blood sample.

Ow! You dick!

- You rock! - I should have done that a long time ago.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

I have a banana. You can't have it.

- Hey, Felix. How are you doing? - Hey, hey, hey.

- Fine. How are you? - Good.

- Good to see you! - You, too!

You want it, don't you? Get the banana. Come on.

Sure, we could use

the replicator to clone rhinoceroses.

We'd have to build a much bigger unit.

Can I call you back, mfuzi?

Yes, sir. Hakuna matata.

Hey, what have you got there?

- We got the cover. - Yeah. Look, look.

Do you like it?

You don't think I should've gone with the solid tie?

- Look how cute you look. - We got to celebrate.

- I should call Henry and ditto. - No, no, no.

I'd rather celebrate alone.

I could do that.

- Refill! - Yeah. Sorry.

I was finishing the dishes.

Listen, babe,

don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining,

- because this is great-- - hmm?

Well, I was thinking that maybe one time,

you and I could go out for dinner.

And not watch sports.

You know, somewhere we could use a knife and fork.

Wouldn't that be romantic?

- You know what would be romantic? - What?

10 minutes of silence.

I just got word that repli-Jonas

has escaped from where they were studying him.

- No one knows where he is. - Don't worry.

He's a full grown idiot with no skills.

How far could he possibly go?

( "Hail to the chief" playing )

Penis!

( Rock music playing )

♪ so keep on talking, what's not to say? ♪

♪ everything you know I know ♪

♪ I know you needed nothing till today ♪

♪ situations, I don't want to be me ♪

♪ this time you're rising upside down and hanging in ♪

♪ and you let me in again

♪ you let me in again, stop talking now ♪

♪ you let me in again

♪ let me in again

♪ just to hear me say

♪ I'm not the one to believe in ♪

♪ don't be the one to put your money on me ♪

♪ it isn't me you should count on ♪

♪ next time I come around

♪ because if you don't expect goodwill from me ♪

♪ I will not let you down.

( Pop music playing )

♪ I'm the kind of guy that likes to kick off his shoes ♪

♪ and I'm the kind of guy

♪ that likes to have nothing to do ♪

♪ so I have the kind of life they say ♪

♪ is simple and smooth

♪ but I can feel a change coming ever since I met you ♪

♪ 'cause you know

♪ that opposites attract

♪ and I try to stay the same ♪

♪ but you belie the very fact and I know ♪

♪ all that I don't do

♪ but I see a compromise is due ♪

♪ she turned and told me to ♪

♪ get up, get up, get up

♪ I asked her why she said ♪

♪ let's get out, get out, get out ♪

♪ she said they're having some fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ it's what it's all about fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ so, baby, won't you just come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ you lead the way, it's been ♪

♪ so long, so long, so long ♪

♪ but I know with you I'll have ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ 'cause that's what it's all about ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ she's the type of girl that likes to go out every night ♪

♪ and she has the type of style ♪

♪ that has to be out in plain sight ♪

♪ she has the kind of life they say ♪

♪ is wild and free

♪ but she's going to have to bend ♪

♪ if she wants to be with me ♪

♪ 'cause you know

♪ that opposites attract

♪ and I try to stay the same ♪

♪ but you belie the very fact and I know ♪

♪ that there's no 'me' in 'us' ♪

♪ and finding common ground is a must ♪

♪ I asked her can we just

♪ chill out, chill out, chill out ♪

♪ let's lay around and just ♪

♪ relax, relax, relax

♪ I guarantee it'll be

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ 'cause that's what it's all about ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ so, baby, won't you just ♪

♪ come on, come on, come on? ♪

♪ I'll lead the way, 'cause it's been ♪

♪ so long, so long, so long ♪

♪ since you've stayed in and had ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ but that's what it's all about ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ get up, get up, get up

♪ get out, get out, get out ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ get up, get up, get up

♪ I asked her why, she said ♪

♪ let's get out, get out, get out ♪

♪ she said they're having some ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ is what it's all about ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ so, baby, won't you just ♪

♪ come on, come on, come on? ♪

♪ you lead the way, 'cause it's been ♪

♪ so long, so long, so long ♪

♪ but I know with you I'll have ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ 'cause that's what it's all about ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun

♪ so long, so long, so long ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun.