Original subtitles

That was great.

Name one other man who has cr�pe suzettes for lunch.

Oscar of the Waldorf?

And you didn't use any... to make these, did you?

Certainly not. I just used the regular ingredients.

Plus a little love.

Have I told you recently how happy I am you asked me to marry you?

No, but the next time I make these, I'll leave out the brandy.

No, no. This is your day of rest.

I will not have you even step into the kitchen.

- If you insist. - I do.

Sam. Guess who's getting out of a cab?

- Who? - My mother.

Oh, no. I can't let her see the kitchen like this. She'll fire me.

Darrin, this is for both of us.

You've done what?

You heard me. I've had my last quarrel with your father. I've left him.

But why? What happened?

What happened? I'll tell you what happened.

You won't believe what happened.

What?

If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it. Hello, Samantha.

- Mrs. Stephens. - But you'd think after 35 years...

a man would show more respect for a woman.

- What did he do? - I'd rather not talk about it.

Mom, can't you give us some idea of what this is all about?

No. I only know I cannot live in the same house with a man who says...

I'm imagining things in my old age.

- What kind of things? - I don't want to talk about it.

My dear...

how lucky you are to be married to someone like my son.

You'll never have to worry about finding lipstick on his collar.

And if you do, he won't give you some idiotic story...

about a waiter dropping lingonberry pie on him.

Especially when lingonberries are out of season.

Mom, you don't seriously think that Dad...

Darrin, you don't seem to understand. I do not wish to talk about it.

No, if you don't mind, I'd like to lie down.

- I'll show you to the guest room. - No. No, I don't want to be a burden.

I might as well get used to doing for myself.

And, Darrin, if your father calls, I do not wish to speak to him...

under any circumstances. Is that clear?

Okay, Mom.

I'm sure she'll get over it in a day or two.

What do we do in the meantime?

Suppose one of your relatives drops in.

I'll have to tell them not to.

Good. Get on the phone or whatever you use and send out the warning.

Well, I'll contact Mother first.

Then Aunt Hagatha and Aunt Enchantra. And dear Uncle Arthur.

And most important of all...

Who?

Aunt Clara.

Did you call?

- Too late. - Too late.

Clara.

What was that noise?

Mother, you know Samantha's Aunt Clara.

Oh, yes.

What happened to you?

Me? Oh, nothing. Nothing.

No, I just got caught in the downdraft as I was landing.

No damage done. No damage done.

And the chimney needed sweeping anyway.

Oh, my, did that chimney need sweeping.

Grandma.

Look what Grandmother has for you, darling.

Oh, I love presents.

Aunt Clara, come here. Come here.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Oh, what a lucky little girl you are.

When I was here before, I brought her one of my doorknobs.

Sam, can't you get rid of her?

Oh, honey, I can't do that. You know how sensitive she is.

I'll talk to her. I'll tell her to be extra specially careful.

That's like asking a waterfall not to spill.

Can't we do something to keep her quiet?

Let me help you, darling.

I've got it. How about watching some movies of the baby?

Good. That should keep her quiet for hours.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, isn't that wonderful. Well, it really is...

- What is it? - It's a toy nurse's kit.

Of course, yes. A kit for toy nurses.

Aunt Clara, Darrin's tried something different this time.

He recorded the baby's voice at the same time he made the movies.

You mean, we can hear the baby's voice while watching the picture?

- Right, if I roll them both together. - Oh, my. Talking pictures.

Oh, that's an amazing idea.

Oh, dear. You'll make a fortune here.

Then you put the other end against the patient's heart...

and then you listen.

And if you listen carefully...

you'll hear a broken heart.

It's all set, I hope. Get the lights, honey.

- We sing a song? - Yes.

What shall we sing? "Old MacDonald"?

- Yes. - Okay.

You have to sing too.

Okay.

Now, remember, Samantha, if that's Frank, I don't wanna talk to him.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mr. Stephens.

Well, no, I don't think that's such a good idea at the moment.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Please don't tell me what he said because I am not interested.

- All right. - What did he say?

He wanted to speak to you. You heard what I said.

Yes. But after 35 years, you'd think he'd insist on talking to me.

Okay, honey, here we go again. Get the lights.

- Hi. - Hi, can we sing a song?

- Yes. - What shall we sing?

- "Old MacDonald"? - Okay.

Oh, darn.

It was a good idea anyway, sweetheart.

I'll get it, honey. I'll get it.

I think I'll go in the den and lie down until you get this thing working.

Okay, Mom.

I think, if you'll let me...

I know a little incantation that might make this work.

Juncture, puncture, fiddle-de-dee

Camel, hamal, soup for three

Habble, dabble, red and green

Stop the voice Until the picture's seen

Well, go ahead and try.

What shall we sing? "Old MacDonald"?

- Okay. - You have to sing too. Okay.

What...?

How about that. You can come in now, Mother. It's working.

That's marvelous, Aunt Clara.

Not yet, Mother, not yet. Holy mackerel! Now you're out of sync.

I know.

I'm okay now.

Oh, thank heaven for that.

I was afraid it was something I did.

Well, whatever it is, it's gone.

We're ready now, Mother.

Have you got anything stronger than an aspirin?

Well, I'm sure I can find something...

- What... What was that? - What was what?

Her voice. Her lips moved, and then I heard her voice.

Mother, how long has it been since you've had your eyes examined?

You mean I...?

I just thought I...?

This whole thing is having a terrible effect on me.

- Sam, what are we gonna do? - First of all, let's not panic.

Easy to say, but how long do you think we can fool my mother?

Maybe you should get your...

The way this thing comes and goes is driving me cuckoo.

I'll try to get my mother out of the house.

A spell has been said To one who is wed

A spell has been said

I wish I was dead.

All I'm saying, Dad, is I'd appreciate it...

if you could get Mother to come home.

I realize that makes it tough.

I'll see if I can't get her to come to the phone. You hold on.

Mother.

- Yes, dear. - Phone for you.

Who is it?

Search me.

Hello?

Didn't I tell you I didn't want to talk to him if he called?

Yes, but I called him.

Darrin Stephens, you do that again, and I'll box your ears.

I used to do it so well back in the days that are gone.

Nothing went wrong, and I didn't need it.

Well, Aunt Clara, you've done all you can.

We have to get in touch with Dr. Bombay.

It is unnerving, isn't it?

Yes, I...

Well, I'll go and fetch him.

Aunt Clara, do you think that's such a good idea?

You mean you don't trust me?

Well...

Now, have I ever failed you in an emergency?

Well, that's very kind of you.

I'll go fetch him.

I didn't have any luck... What's that?

Yes, I need these.

I just remembered that there's a cinder path...

in front of Dr. Bombay's house.

Dr. Bombay? You're sending for that quack?

He is a qualified doctor.

Maybe to you, but to a qualified doctor is he a qualified doctor?

Darrin, he's our only choice.

Okay. What do we do till the quack arrives?

Now, how about this.

Tell your mother I'm coming down with a cold and that I have to go to bed.

- Good idea. - Well, I'll fake a few sneezes.

That will keep me out of her way until Dr. Bombay arrives.

I feel like I'm in an Italian movie.

Mommy sick?

No, I'm just resting.

Mommy talks funny.

Why can't I go up? I might be able to do something for her.

- I have to listen. - Not necessary.

The doctor should be here any minute.

She's my daughter-in-law, and I insist on going up.

Mother, what good can you do?

You seem to forget I've had a good deal of nursing experience.

Pushing a bookmobile at the hospital is not nursing experience.

For your information, I absorbed a great deal of medicine...

while delivering those books. I'm going up there.

Mother, I think you ought to let her rest.

Mom. Mother, I don't think you ought to go in there.

Mother, I've got an idea. Why don't I take you to a nice afternoon movie?

How are you feeling, Samantha?

Better, thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

What's that for?

I didn't wanna contaminate anybody.

What's keeping that doctor?

He lives some distance away.

Say that again.

Mother, I really think we should leave her alone.

Darrin, will you stop nagging me? You're as bad as your father.

Come on. Up. Come into the bathroom.

What you need is an aspirin and salt gargle.

- But... - And you can leave. I'll mix it for you.

Mommy sick?

No. Daddy is.

All right, take it off.

You don't need the salt. The aspirin does the trick.

Here, go ahead.

There. There, I heard it. That time I heard it.

She gargled first, and then I heard it. How can that be?

Her voice is behind her. It comes out later.

I never saw anything like that in all my life.

- What are you doing? - I'm taking her pulse.

- That's not where you take a pulse. - That's not where you take a pulse.

Dear, dear me. She's burning up.

You've got a very sick witch here.

She's my mother, and she's not a witch.

Well, she's not too warm for a mortal.

Doctor, that isn't the patient.

I'm the one with the problem, Dr. Bombay.

Oh, yes. Indeed you are.

Oh, I had the most incredible dream about...

Oh, there he is.

All right, all right, everybody out while I examine my patient.

Come along. Out. Out. No exceptions. Outside. Everybody out. Out, out, out!

Now, then.

What are you doing there? In, in, in. Sit down.

Leg up. Watch out. Take your slipper off.

Really, Clara, these spells of yours that misfire are getting quite tiresome.

Every time it happens, I have to drop what I'm doing...

and mix up another batch of Bombay's Super Cure-All.

Kindly pass me that wolfsbane bottle, please.

I've quite enough trouble keeping up with my own practice.

I'm sorry, doctor. Truly sorry.

And if I could remember my own incantation...

- I wouldn't have had to bother you. - What incantation?

It's a remover of spells. Bad spells.

Oh, I have it on the tip of my tongue.

I know the first two lines.

Clara.

A spell has been spoken And now must be broken

And...

What's the rest?

And...

There you are.

Cross your fingers.

- Will that help? - Well, it won't hurt.

Bottoms up.

- Oh, it's delicious. - That's the vanilla.

Vanilla. What else?

Sam, you're back in sync!

Oh, thank you, Dr. Bombay.

Well, now that I'm back to normal, I think we ought to do something...

about getting your parents together.

- Right. - I'll go downstairs and talk to her.

I call on the spirits With bated breath

And order you to

Remove it

Oh, no. Oh, no.

And this, darling, is the eraser.

Eraser! Oh, of course.

I call on the spirits With bated breath

And order you to erase it

That's wrong. But it's getting closer.

Samantha, dear, are you feeling better?

Much, much better.

Your face.

What's the matter with my face?

Oh, my stars!

I want to thank you for being so gracious, doctor.

It just proves how foolish it is to prejudge another person.

Well, from now on, in my book...

you are...

One of the worst quacks I have ever met.

Mrs. Stephens, wouldn't you like to lie down?

No, that's the trouble. I've been lying down too much.

I think I'd better take a walk.

Oh, there's Frank. Thank heaven he's come.

That's all we need. My father. Don't just stand there, do something, quick.

Don't get hysterical, my good man.

- Oh, Frank. - Well, Phyllis.

You look as though you've seen a ghost.

Worse. Samantha's face is covered with green stripes.

What?

These side effects will be gone before you can say "Charlie Fuqua."

There, you see, they've gone.

Oh, well, thank heavens.

Swell, now she's out of sync again.

Evidently. Well, you have a choice. Green stripes or out of sync.

- What do you want? - What?

Oh, really.

My good man, make up your mind. I've lots of other patients.

But... But...

Erase. Remove. Rub out.

My dear boy, I must go. I'll check with you later.

Eradicate.

Aunt Clara.

A spell has been spoken And must be broken

And I call on the spirit With breath bated

And order him to eradicate it

Well, I certainly hope that works because...

Oh, it does.

If you don't believe me, take a look at Samantha and...

What happened to your stripes?

Stripes? What stripes, Mrs. Stephens?

No, there's no question about it. You're going straight to the doctor.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here. She needs you.

Oh, Frank, you were right. I have been imagining things.

Worse things than you can imagine. Can I come home?

Well, if you don't, I'm prepared to carry you off forcibly.

Oh, my dear.

How much longer is Darrin gonna be on that phone?

Well, it's a business call.

He's been in there for over an hour.

Oh, I know, but some of these calls go on forever.

Perhaps you'd rather not wait.

- Oh, I want to say goodbye to him. - Well, I'd like to say hello.

Darrin?

Could you stop for a minute, say goodbye...

to your mother and father?

Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Dad.

Well. Goodbye, dear. And thanks for everything.

It really has been a wonderful day.

- Well... - Goodbye, dear.

- Oh, yes, it was our pleasure. - Do let me know how the baby is.

- I certainly will. - Goodbye.

Sorry you have to rush off.

Well, they're gone.

Now, sweetheart, I know you're upset, and I don't blame you...

but please try and have a little understanding, won't you?

Darrin, you don't know how you've hurt Aunt Clara.

Well, she loves us, and she's crazy about Tabatha.

Darrin, I'm surprised at you. It's not like you to hold a grudge.

So please...

please forgive her.

No.