All language subtitles for 01 - Nobodys Perfect

Now we're gonna take one little bite.

There you go.

-Isn't that good?
-Crunch.

Crunch, crunch. Yes, it's delicious.

Don't forget. Call me from
the doctor's the minute he finishes.

She's only having a check-up
and we know she's in perfect health.

The diaper rash.
Be sure to ask about the diaper rash.

I've been losing sleep
over that rash.

-Tabatha hasn't.
-And over-drooling.

As I see it,
she's been over-drooling.

I'm surprised at you.

And tell him that Phil Hooverback's
little girl is potty-trained at 11 months.

That's precocious training.

Darling, you're so nervous, you'll
need a check-up more than Tabatha.

Look at her.
Isn't she fine? Isn't she beautiful?

She is beautiful.

And so are you.

Oh, thank you.

I still want you to call me the minute
the doctor finishes his check-up.

Yes, sir.

-"Bye, Daddy."
-Bye-bye, Daddy.

Good girl.

Mr. Stephens, please.

Hi, Darrin, it's me.

I promised I'd call as soon as
Dr. Koblin finished Tabatha's exam.

Well, he says she's--

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I've got my list right here somewhere...

...mixed up in this
miserable Robbins campaign.

Okay. Now, what did he say
about her--?

Just a minute, sweetheart.

Dr. Koblin?

As one baby expert to another,
please, do you mind?

Oh, why, certainly.

-Here we go.
-Darrin.

I'm happy to say your daughter's
perfect in every department.

-About this diaper rash--
-Yes.

Wonderful.
Yes, I checked that thoroughly.

-Excellent.
-I have a feeling she's over-drooling.

Oh, I checked that thoroughly.

And the potty-training?

A friend of ours,
her little girl was potty-trained...

...in 11 months. Is that...?

Excellent. Couldn't be better.

That was my diagnosis exactly.

I'm so happy to have
your confirmation, Dr. Stephens.

That's right.

Darrin,
she's a perfectly marvellous...

...sensational,
absolutely wonderful...

...typical average baby.

Goodbye.

Now, Tabatha,
I want you to do that test...

...and I certainly hope you flunk it.

I think.

Now...

...you can't get that pretty pony,
can you, Tabatha?

-Can you get the pretty pony?
-Come.

She can't get the pretty pony.

-Pretty pony.
-She can get the pretty pony.

Oh, just wait until
your father finds out.

Oh, what could be worse?

My mother finding out.
That could be worse.

Finding out what, dear?

Oh, Mother, what a lovely surprise.

Oh, but right at Tabatha's naptime.
What a rotten shame.

Let's let her get to sleep.

Oh, but if she's going to sleep,
she needs her bottle.

What is going on here?

Oh, nothing, Mother.
Nothing at all.

Now, I didn't use my power
to float that bottle to Tabatha...

...and I know you promised Darwin
to restrain yourself.

Now, that leaves only Tabatha.

Tabatha.
Is that what's going on here?

How utterly, utterly divine.

Put the bottle down, dear,
and come to Grandmamma.

Oh, you little dear.

Welcome to the fold.

-Mother--
-What?

-Mother--
-What?

-Maybe it's just a fluke.
-Fluke?

In our family? Oh, don't be absurd.

-Well....
-Darwin.

That's what it is.

He doesn't know?
You haven't told him yet?

Oh, how delicious.

Darling, let Mother tell him for you.
It would be quite fitting.

No, Mother, no. Absolutely not.

I want to prepare Darrin
to get him used to the idea.

And when he is used to the idea,
then I want to tell him myself.

Now, I mean it.

Until I do tell Darrin otherwise...

...Tabatha is just a typical
average baby...

...just like the doctor said.

That's what the doctor said.

"Your baby is perfect
in every department.

Wonderful, marvellous,
sensational."

I could say more,
but I don't like to brag.

Really? It's not noticeable.

But let me tell you what another man
said. Our client Mr. Robbins.

He said this campaign is no good.

No good?

I've been working night and day
for three solid weeks on this account.

I haven't been home,
seen my wife or daughter--

I know. That's why I want you
to take the afternoon off.

-Take the afternoon off?
-Sure.

Go home, see your wife and daughter.
Rest, relax. Get a new lease on life.

In one afternoon?

Yeah, on account of Robbins
is coming to town tonight...

...and I'm bringing him
to your place for cocktails...

...so you can get a better feel
of the kind of image his firm wants.

I see.

You want me to take the afternoon off
to rest and relax...

...get to know my wife and daughter,
get a new lease on life...

...so I can slave night and day for
another three weeks or more, right?

Right.

All right. If you wanna make
a physical wreck...

...out of a perfect-in-every-department
baby's father...

...well, that's okay with me.

-Mother?
-Yes, dear?

Larry's bringing a client for cocktails.
I've got to go get some hors d'oeuvres.

Well, Tabatha and I
will be just fine alone, dear.

You won't be alone for long, Mother.
Darrin's going to be home early.

And if he gets here
before I get back, remember...

...now remember, not one word
about Tabatha being a....

-You know.
-The word's "witch," dear.

Behave yourself.

Tabatha, my dear...

...we're finally alone.

Let's have some fun, huh?

Now watch Grandmamma.

Now, peek-a-boo.

Peek-a-boo.

Tabatha? Tabatha...

...do you think you could do
that fun trick for Grandmamma?

Go on. Try, dear.

-Funny.
-Go on. Try harder.

Very well. Come to think of it...

...your own mama couldn't disappear
past her knees until she was 5.

Well, let's see now.

Let's see now.

That's it.

Let's see if Grandmamma's darling
has developed basic topsy-turvy.

Shall we? Look.

Watch the lamp.

See it?

There. Now flip it back.

There. Hex it for Grandmamma.

Now hex it for Grandmamma.

Well, I guess the lamp is
too heavy for your little hand.

Now, Tabatha....

Pretty, pretty.
Let's try this little dish, huh?

Now watch the little dish.

There it goes. Yes.

Honey, I'm home.

Hi, Endora. When did you swoop in?

Is that any way to greet
your daughter's grandmamma?

Oh, sorry. Hi, Granny.

-And how is Daddy's little girl?
-Out. Out.

Did you hear she passed her check-up
with flying colours?

-She's quite a little girl, all right.
-Where's Samantha?

She went to get hors d'oeuvres
or something foolish for your client.

Yes. He and Larry are
coming over this evening.

She'd never have to do such menial
things if her husband weren't a mortal.

Why, she could arrange
a cocktail party just like that.

How dare you.

How dare I what? What? What?

How dare you what, what, what?
How dare you--

How dare you perform feats of
M-A-G-I-C in front of my daughter.

I guess I lost my H-E-A-D.

Endora, this is a serious matter.
These are Tabatha's formative years...

...and I don't want her normal
little psyche scarred with M-A-G-I-C.

And another thing.
When you're left to mind Tabatha...

...don't put so many toys
in her playpen.

Why, she loves a lot of toys.

I know what's best for my daughter.

-Now cut that out.
-I didn't do it.

Then explain how
such a thing could happen.

Oh, you're getting much too clever.

I can't fool you at all anymore,
can I, Dumbo?

-Darrin.
-Oh, yes.

Whatever you say.

Excuse Daddy for
losing his temper, sweetheart...

...but I'm the one guy in the world
who can say without malice...

...his mother-in-law is a W-I-T-C-H.

Oh, he can spell it out
till the cows come home...

...but we both know what we are,
don't we, Tabatha?

Get the pony.

That's a girl.

That's a girl.
That's Grandmamma's little girl.

Purity, Darrin.
I am looking for purity...

...and something soft
and something absolutely innocent.

Well, purity and innocence are fine,
but how will they sell transmissions?

I don't know. All I know is the Robbins
firm wants to change its image.

We'll let our competitors...

...shove transmissions
down the buyers' throats.

We don't find that palatable.

Mark, I'm sure Darrin can come up
with a campaign you want.

-Sam, how's Tabatha?
-Oh, she's fine.

I'd let you take a peek at her,
but she's asleep.

She's wide awake. I was just up there.
You wanna see her?

-Well, sure, that sounds fine.
-Now, Darrin...

...Larry saw the baby three days ago,
and I know Mr. Robbins isn't interested.

That was before the doctor said
she was perfect, absolutely perfect.

Darrin, he didn't mean that literally.

No baby's absolutely perfect.

Argue with the doctor.
He's the one who said it.

Let's go and put her
through her tricks.

Tricks? But....

-Come on, honey.
-Well, all right.

Look at that face.

I've been told she looks like me.

Oh, maybe not through the ears,
but there's a strong resemblance.

Look at that face.

Don't you see?
That's our new image.

Softness, purity,
absolute innocence.

I know what you mean
and don't forget beauty.

-Yes. Yes, indeed.
-Right.

These are areas that have never been
associated with truck transmissions.

It's a very original idea.

Just picture Tabatha's face plastered
on billboards all over the country...

...with a caption reading:

"A Robbins transmission
makes you feel...

...almost shiftless."

I think we can iron out
that slogan, Mark.

I'll arrange an appointment for Tabatha
with the agency photographer--

-But I don't think--
-No, no.

We don't want just any
agency photographer.

There's just one man
who can do justice to that face.

But I really don't think--

-Diego Fenman?
-Who else?

-Can you get him?
-Certainly.

Only about the greatest
baby photographer in the world.

Sam, imagine Tabatha being
photographed by Diego Fenman.

How about that?

-Well, I'm afraid we can't do that.
-Why?

Well, you know
what they say happens...

...to babies who go into
modelling or show business.

They get their picture
all over everything...

...they start believing their own press
and bounce from marriage to marriage.

Sam, at her age
she won't even know what she's doing.

With a face like Tabatha,
we've got a winning campaign.

You really think she's cute,
don't you?

Like he said, she's a doll.

Maybe she's got one of those faces
that photograph fat or something.

-Sam, I'd like to go through with this.
-If you ask me--

Fine. I'll call Diego Fenman and set up
an appointment for Tabatha...

-...early Saturday morning.
-Great.

Honey, I'll bet we are the only
father-and-daughter advertising team...

...in the country.

-That calls for a drink.
-Absolutely. Come on, Mark.

There, sweetheart. Now you go
to sleep. I'll take your pony.

Oh, Mark...?

Good night, sweetheart.
Sleep tight. Tomorrow's the big day.

-Tomorrow?
-Big day.

-Coming, sweetheart?
-In a minute.

Now, Tabatha,
you have to be good tomorrow...

...because I can't stop them
from using you in the campaign.

Not when it means so much
to your daddy.

And I can't tell your daddy
about you...

...because then he'd be afraid
to let them use you in the campaign.

No.

Now that's what I mean.
You're gonna have to be good.

Funny.

I know.

I know what a wonderful feeling
it is to be part of a magical life...

...to have so much
at your fingertips.

But we're living in a world that just
isn't quite used to people like us...

...and I'm afraid they never will be.

So I'm gonna have to be
very firm with you.

You're going to have to learn
when you can use your witchcraft...

...and when you can't.

Now, your wonderful daddy wants us
to be just plain people.

So you're gonna have to stop wiggling
your fingers whenever you want any--

Tabatha.

You twitched your nose.
Just like Mommy.

Oh, you are your mother's daughter,
all right.

Oh, how charming.

When every other mother in the world
is telling her child, "Mustn't touch"...

...you'll be saying, "Mustn't twitch."

-Mother, cut that out.
-Oh, we must tell Darwin.

Let's go in and watch him
fall on the floor in an emotional heap.

No, Mother. I will tell him myself...

...and it's gonna be hard enough
without your gloating little zingers.

Goodbye, Mother.

You sure know how
to take the fun out of things.

I must have learned it from you.

Well, Tabatha, wish me luck.

This will be the hardest speech ever
delivered in the history of a marriage.

Pretty pony.

Let me see.

Darrin, Tabatha is a witch.

No. No, that's too abrupt.

Let's see. How about:

Darrin, I have something
to tell you...

...that I don't think
will exactly be a thrill.

No. That's too chicken.

Maybe I can write him a note.

No. I'll tell him
first thing in the morning.

So you see, Darrin,
it's really nothing.

All it amounts to is
that Tabatha is a witch.

Darrin--?

Darrin?

"Dear, Sam...

...Tabatha and I have gone
to the photographer's studio.

Wanted to let you sleep. Don't worry,
everything will be fine. Love, Darrin."

Disaster time.

The photographer's studio.

All right, gentlemen,
I'm in the mood now.

-So are we.
-Hi. Darrin, Larry, Mr. Robbins.

Oh, boy, am I glad I got here.

Tabatha's just about to go
in front of the camera.

Well, I'll go with her.
She'll need her mommy.

Diego Fenman works alone.

Samantha, this is Diego Fenman
the master photographer.

The Michelangelo
of the portrait world.

-An artist in the truest sense.
-A Rembrandt if ever there--

-I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Fenman.
-Thank you.

-Wouldn't you like me to go with you?
-Oh, no.

An audience tends to freeze
my creative flow.

Mustn't freeze his flow.

-Darrin, do something.
-About what?

Sam, I assure you that Diego Fenman
is an expert at handling children.

Oh, but Tabatha's different.

Mrs. Stephens, you'll be
very pleased with the results.

Diego works magic with a camera.

Yes, but so does--
Works magic with a camera, huh?

That's nice.

See that nice bearsy there?
All right, now, Tabatha...

...you make cutesy for Uncle Diego.

Watch the pretty pony.

Uncle Diego ought to lay off
the funny water...

...when he's gotta work the next day.

Watch the pony.

I knew I had problems, but wait
till my analyst hears about this.

-How long are they gonna be in there?
-Honey, relax.

Diego's very thorough, Mrs. Stephens.
Why, the man's very nearly a genius.

He just wants to get a perfect pose for
the campaign. I'm sure Tabatha's fine.

All right, now. Make cutesy.
Cutesy for Uncle Diego.

There we go.

Uncle Diego's gone flipsy again.

The whole brain is falling
right out of the back of the head.

-I've gotta peek.
-Well, honey, go ahead.

Anxious mothers.

I can stand it no longer.

Tabatha, come on.

-What happened?
-You wouldn't believe it.

My analyst will not believe it,
but I believe it.

I've seen it.
I mean, I saw it with my own eyes.

Diego, did you get any pictures?

I got all kinds of pictures. I got
floating-stuffed-octopus pictures...

...and bouncy-rubber-ball
pictures and--

She did it. She's the one who
did it to me. Oh, take her away.

Put her away.

That is one nutty baby.

Wait a minute. You're blaming this silly
display of emotion on my daughter?

A helpless 1-year-old?
You should be ashamed.

I ought to be ashamed?
She ought to be ashamed.

You talk to her.
You do something with her.

I've tried everything.
My charm, my exuberant personality.

I even used my pretty picture
of a pretty pony.

That pretty picture has amused
every single child...

...I have ever worked with
except her.

Oh, I tell you, she did this to me.

Funny.

Come on, Sam. I don't have patience
with a person who abuses babies.

Or with babies
who abuse photographers.

Now, mustn't twitch.

Please.

Honey.

Wow, Mr. Fenman sure took a lot
of pictures. I didn't think he had time.

You should've heard Larry and Mark.
They really flipped over the results.

This is the one we're going to use
to launch the ad campaign.

Oh, Darrin, isn't that cute?

Say what you want about
Diego Fenman...

...he still is pretty close
to being a genius.

-What do you mean?
-Well, look at this.

This is the most amazing
trick photography I've ever seen.

Do you see any wires?

No.

No, I can't say that I do.

Anybody would think that toy octopus
was actually suspended in midair.

Certainly would.

Now aren't you glad
you let him take the pictures?

-You were just worrying for nothing.
-Yes, darling.

You have a beautiful
wonderful daughter...

...and I hope she grows up
to be just like you.

Something tells me
you're gonna get your wish.

You stop that.

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