All language subtitles for Daddys.Home.2015.TS.XviD-VAiN

Here's a question
for you.

What do kids need more?
A father or a dad?

What's the difference?

The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...

...but not everyone has the
patience or the devotion to be a dad.

As for me...

Anybody caught
a Monarch yet?

...I've always wanted
to be a dad.

Let me tell you,
I love it!

Yeah!

And I love my Ford Flex.

It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?

It didn't break the bank.

Room enough for
the whole family.

Yes, I love
being a dad.

And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.

Hey, Dylan!
Good morning.

Whatever.

Okay.
I'm not their real dad.

Good morning,
Mr. Whitaker.

I'm their stepdad.

Good morning, Megan.

Can you please
put this on the fridge?

Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?

That's me and Dylan and Mommy.

So great.

And over here,
far, far away,

is you.

And am I wearing
a baseball cap?

That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.

I see.

Well, I love how you
drew my hair.

That's poop.

Well, it's well-drawn. And
I'm guessing it's dog poop?

That's homeless man poop.

All right.

I actually can't
father my own children,

ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.

I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.

Close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.

Okay.

You got a really
weird tongue.

You need to floss better.

Ever since then,
my testicles have been

more decorative
than anything else.

Hey!

And I thought I'd
never have a family.

Until I met a stunning
mom named Sara.

Would you look at her?

I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry I'm taking
so long.

I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.

I know.

My God!
The kids' lunches.

Already packed.
I wrote them

little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.

They've already eaten their
breakfasts, and you look perfect.

You are amazing.

Look at this?
Another family drawing.

No.
I am so sorry.

No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing

where I'm not dead already.

Sure, I've got
a knife in my eye

and some homeless man
poop on my head,

but this is
showing real progress.

I think she's starting
to accept me.

You can find the good
in just about anything.

I love that about you.
You know that?

Thanks.

Hello. I'm home.

Hey.

How was the...

What's wrong?

He won't talk to me. He said
he only wants to talk to you.

You want to talk to me?

Really?

You mean me
and your mom?

Just me? By myself?

Sure. I'm...

I'm totally free. Let's go
to the den. We'll sit there.

We'll sit. We can do it
sitting or standing?

Doesn't matter.
We're just gonna do it.

We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.

Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.

My God.

I just want you to know that I'm
just here to listen. All right?

No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.

Well, there are these
kids at school...

and they're
bigger than me,

because they're
fourth graders.

And...

Was that weird?

I'm sorry, I'm just...

It's a big moment for me,

and I'm just trying
to capture it.

It just came off
awkward.

So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.

Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...

He actually
confided in me.

I mean, it was that father-son
feeling I've been dying for,

and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.

I mean,
he really needed me. Me.

That is so great, honey.

He even said
not to tell you.

So I'm actually totally

betraying his trust right now.

What are we gonna do about those
little snot-nosed fourth graders?

I think it's
going to be fine.

He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.

Really? You think
that's gonna work?

As long as they
catch him. Yeah.

Hey, Brad.

Yeah?

If I ask you something, you
promise you won't cry again?

Of course, sweetie.
What is it?

Well, at school, they
told us about this thing,

and it's called
a Daddy-Daughter Dance.

So, do you want to
go with me?

You said you
wouldn't cry, Brad.

I'm not. Megan, yes.
A million times yes.

I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.

I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little bitch.

Megan!

You are not supposed
to call people that word.

You know what? It takes a
real man to show his emotions.

All right,
that's a bit much.

No more rhymes now,
I mean it!

Anybody want a peanut?

We were finally
becoming a family.

I'll get it!

After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,

I was finally becoming the dad
that I always knew I could...

Daddy!

Hi! Where are you?

Where's Cameroon?

Is that gunfire? Cool!

Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Good.

So your ex is
calling?

What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.

Brad is Mommy's
new husband.

Wait. He doesn't
know about me?

Well, I haven't talked
to him in six months.

We've been married
eight months.

Brad, Daddy wants
to talk to you.

No! No, no. Don't, don't...

I'm just going to say hi.

You don't need to do that.
Brad, don't.

Thank you, sweetie.

Hello, Dusty? Super to
make your acquaintance.

In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand

and offer to buy
you a cold one.

Tomorrow?

What?

Daddy's coming! Yay!

Yeah, I guess
I could pick you up.

No.

It's Whitaker.

W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R.

No, I'm not comfortable
giving you

my Social Security number
over the phone.

Okay, yeah,
my credit score is 752.

I'm very proud of that.

I'm sorry? What sort of fighting
styles am I proficient in?

I don't know if I've ever
been asked that before.

Hello, Dusty,
hello, hello?..

I lost him.

What just happened? Did you
just invite him to come here?

Is he coming tomorrow?

Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.

I mean, he really
jumped at it.

Remember when I said
he was like Jesse James

and Mick Jagger
had a baby?

Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and

jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.

He's wild and he's crazy. That's
why I fell in love with him.

Then you end up
with two kids.

And I'm stuck there holding the
bag and he's nowhere to be found.

It doesn't matter how much
love or passion,

or you can't breathe
without each other...

All of that stuff is
stupid in comparison.

When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.

He doesn't understand that.

Honey, this is actually
a good thing.

I'll welcome Dusty
into our home,

and we'll establish some
kind but firm boundaries.

All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."

A Loving Fence? Wow, that
sounds really great, honey.

But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.

He sounds like a rascal,

but I don't think it's
anything I can't handle.

Check. Check, check.

Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,

sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,

check, check, check, check.

What do you
got for me, Brad?

Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.

Listen. I gotta
leave early today.

I gotta go pick up my
wife's ex at the airport.

Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that shit detail?

Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?

Well, it's not that
I want him in my home,

it's just that the better
stepparenting books

say that the worst thing
you can do for the kids

is to push out
the biological.

You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.

Kids that grow up
without their dads

always end up
obsessing over them.

Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life

have been with women
that had daddy issues.

I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.

Look, my wife would kill me if
she knew I was telling you this.

Well, then you shouldn't
tell me this.

When I met her in Denver...

You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?

she was a topless maid.

Ninety-nine bucks
an hour.

Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.

And who did treat her
like shit? Me.

I eventually loved her,

but every time
she got out of line,

I'd just pull
the Humvee over

and ask her to
get out politely.

And then I'd drive away.

Guess what? She showed up
at home every time.

This story has no relevance
to my situation.

It doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.

So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?

I'm sorry.

Keep it up, Brad. You and I
will fight in the parking lot.

So today is the day

I'm finally meeting
the father of my children.

Am I nervous?
You're darn right I am.

But who wouldn't be?

And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe,

you know, kids...

they see through things
and, at the end of the day,

they know who's
been around...

Holy balls!

I hope that's not him.

Well, you're kind to
say that. Thank you.

Yeah, I feel pretty good.

Hey, you Dusty?

Nope.

What?

Are you sure?

Are you Dusty...
No, you're not Dusty.

You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,

the station everybody
in the office can agree on.

What is this?

Now if you're up in
Wolf Trap this weekend,

do yourself a favor
and check out...

Hey! Where have you been?

I called you like
100 times.

I know, my phone died. Look...

This motorcycle,
is this...

Yes. He's here.

-He's here?
-Yes!

What's he doing
inside there?

He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.

Starbursts?
God damn it!

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm a hot habanero
pepper right now.

I got a few bullet points I want
to bring up with our friend Dusty,

starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.

Good story, Daddy!

You like that story?
It's all true. Hey!

Who wants some
more Starbursts

and a couple of
uncirculated silver dollars?

So you are Dusty.

I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.

Bring it in, big guns.

I already met you
at the airport.

No, I don't recall
that, friend.

Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.

I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.

Well, must have
been my mistake.

All right, that was me
at the airport.

Yeah, I know that.

I saw you before
you saw me,

and I'm thinking, "This is
the guy who's raising my kids?"

"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."

I mean, look at you.

You figured it out,
didn't you?

-You cracked the code.
-I don't know about that.

Don't play that
humble game with me.

He is so humble.
He's just too humble.

Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.

Yeah, I got it goin' way on.

So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.

I froze, Brad.
I'm sorry.

Look, these are
tricky waters to navigate.

They sure are, man.
I mean, that is insightful.

You know, I thought it was weird
Sara didn't tell me about you before.

I thought,
what's she hiding?

And now I know.

A champion.

Hey, Brad!
Did you see Dad's motorcycle?

-Isn't it cool?
-It sure is.

What is that, an Indian?

Yep.

I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.

I've never been,
but that's

the setting for
The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

And... What's the other...
Rhoda.

Which I want to say
was a spin-off.

Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?

Yeah!

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, not anymore.
I did, you know,

back in college.
I had a...

I had a Kawa-saki?
Kawasaki Nine.

Yeah.

With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...

Well, you should get
on her, man. Come on!

Take her out,
see what she can do.

She's got a lot of power.

No, no, no.

Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!

No. Hey, come on, kids.
It's time for bed.

It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.

All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...

I don't want to overstep, but

it would mean the world to me if I
could tuck in our two little blessings.

Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.

Thank you
for that, Brad.

The King messed up.
He messed up bad.

He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,

and his Queen would
always be waiting for him.

And then one day
the King received word

that his dominion
was being ruled over

by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?

No!

Well, the King rode hard
up on his lands,

and when he arrived,

he did gaze fondly
upon the Queen,

remembering their
good times together,

for he had known
her in her prime,

when she was
down for anything,

and I do mean anything.

Psst...

Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?

Actually,
it's getting late.

You two need to get
some sack time.

No, we want
more story, please!

Hey, I'd love to be
in here all night,

but let's be respectful
of Brad's rules,

no matter how arbitrary
they seem. All right?

Good night,
my little golden treasures.

Good night,
my little magical cherubs.

Here comes some
butterfly kisses.

And some Eskimo kisses.

Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.

Hey, who wants
good-night tickles?

Me!

Good night,
my little breath of God.

Good night,
my little Jesus teardrop.

I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.

So relaxing,
so relaxing.

Good night, sweetie bear.

Hey, who wants
twenty bucks?

Twenty dollars?

What?

Yeah.

One for you,
and one for you.

I don't know
if that's appropriate.

Don't worry about it.

Okay. Good night.

So, if you want to, why don't
you come by tomorrow after school?

Might be a good time to...

What about the cold one?

The cold one?

You promised me a cold
one and a handshake.

Cold one.
One cold one, coming up.

Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.

Perfect. All right.

Hey! Psst...

What are you doing? What
are you guys buddies now?

No. I mean,
I offered him a cold one.

I really should honor
the cold one promise.

Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?

You put up your
Loving Fence, remember?

Then you come to bed.

Okay.

Will do.

Okay.

What you got
going on over here?

That's a treehouse.
A little,

bonding project
for Dylan and I.

Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.

It's looking good.

Thank you.

So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?

Well, Brad, the truth is, I'm
wheels-up a week from tomorrow.

Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.

I see.
So you're a soldier?

Nope.

So you're a...

Yep.

Yep, what?

You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.

Okay.

Listen, Dusty,

I think that we should set up
a visitation schedule.

Right? That way, you feel like you
have ample time with the children...

Why don't we
cut the shit, Brad?

No, we don't have
to cut the shit.

You want to know
what I'm doing here,

why don't you
quit looking at

whatever you wrote
on your hand?

Be a man and ask me, Brad.

Okay. What are
you doing here?

Now, we both know kids need a
single primary male role model.

Sara's made her choice.

I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.

I will vouch for you
with my children.

I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.

To love you and to

call you Dad.

You'd do that for me?

No.

But I will do it for them.

That is what you want,
isn't it, Brad?

More than anything
in the world.

He played you. You just
got so played out there.

I know it looks that way,

'cause I promised
I would ask him to leave,

and then I invited him to stay
for a week, but he didn't play me.

You know what he did?
He cut the shit.

And I gotta say,

it was refreshing.

I think more of us could stand
to just cut the shit, you know.

In one conversation,

he just blew by eight
chapters in my stepdad book.

I mean, this is gonna be
so good for me and the kids.

Baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.

Dusty gets into your head,
that's what he does.

He has a very
impressive, rugged bravado,

there's no question.
But I gotta say,

I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.

You know? I think
he feels a lot.

He just... He needs someone
with this, a big ear.

And I got them.

Good morning, Dusty.

You're up and at 'em.

Yeah, I got up early
and did a quick 20.

-Twenty minutes of what?
-Twenty miles.

Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up

a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.

And I made one for you, too.

Wow. That's very
impressive, thank you.

Good morning, gang!

It smells yummy!

Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!

Here you go, guys.

Yeah, it looks an awful
lot like Cinnabon.

Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.

It tastes exactly
like Cinnabon!

In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.

Well, now you're starting
to embarrass me,

but I do appreciate
the compliment.

Good morning,
Sar-bear!

Hey, listen, guys,

Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.

And now that everyone's here, I
wanted to say a few words, okay?

I think that
would be great.

Hey, kids, you know, families can
be ever-growing and changing things.

And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart

and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.

But there's someone here now that
I hope you guys can learn to love.

Okay?

Come here, boy!

A doggy! Yay!

You brought a dog home?

Yeah. Is that a problem?

I mean, you seemed really into
it while I was teeing it up.

No, I thought you were
talking about me.

-But you're not a dog, Brad.
-No...

Look, last night,
when we talked...

Yeah. Well, listen, that's
got to happen organically.

-Why can't it happen now?
-It just can't.

You're dirty.

Dusty, how old
is that thing?

I'd guess him
to be around 15.

I mean, I found him this
morning, living in a storm drain.

I named him Tumor, because
of how much he grows on you.

Mommy, can we
keep Tumor, please?

I'm gonna leave
this one up to Brad.

Please, Brad! Please!

Why is he looking
at me like that?

He's only looking at me.

Maybe we just get
a puppy instead?

A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?

An old dog like Tumor here's been
out in the world, man. Living free.

Fighting for survival and seeing
things we can only dream of.

Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.

Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.

He's gonna have to walk the green
mile as soon as he gets there.

No, Brad, no!
Don't kill our dog!

I hate you!

Okay. Okay. Fine.

He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.

Yay! Thanks, Brad.

I don't hate you anymore.

He's going potty!

My God.

We'll clean it up.
We don't mind.

Look at that.

The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.

Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.

He's definitely got
worms in his poo.

Dusty! Can you
please move this thing?

I can't get my car
out of the garage.

Hey, Brad, do you mind? I
want to grab a quick shower.

Yeah, sure, no problem.

Hey, honey.

Hi, sweetie.

It's blocking everything.

No, I know. I know, don't
worry. We're on top of it.

What are you doing?
Brad, I don't...

Hey! Stay away
from that, please.

Honey, what are you doing?

I don't know if that's
a good idea, Brad.

Dusty!

It's vibrating up
into my shoulders.

Hey, it's okay, Brad. Look,
she's a lot of bike, man.

No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,

so you can get a shirt on?

You got it. Hey, you
look good on that, man.

Remember, one down, four up.

Dusty, everyone knows
it's one down...

Watch out! Watch out!
Watch out!

Did Brad just die?

I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?

Brad!

Brad!

My God.

Brad, are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.

Honey.

Jeez, Brad, I thought
you said you could ride.

I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?

I think if you could ride,

you wouldn't be stuck
in a wall right now, Brad.

Yeah. I'm sorry to
say it, but he's right.

You almost killed the kids!

Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?

He was showboating
for the kids a little bit,

and things got out of hand.

Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?

I got hurt!

Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson

on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things

you clearly can't do,
okay?

I think my arm is
stuck in the wall.

Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, don't do anything.

And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?

Just calm down, all right?

Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.

Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.

No damage.
Not a scratch.

Not even one scratch?

Unbelievable.

That's so good.

Let's keep it going!
Inside the cones!

Just like ice cream!

Morning, Jerry.

Got to keep it
inside the cones!

No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!

Whoa, whoa!
Inside the cones!

Inside. Bring her in.
That's better.

Let's keep those kids safe
today, okay? Thank you, Brad.

Sorry, Doris.

It's okay. This whole
drop-off line thing

can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.

Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,

Brad, I think I'm good.

Bye, guys! I love you guys so
much. Have a great day, okay?

Make sure you do
all your work.

Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...

Here's
the exciting thing.

We just opened up
in our 68th market,

making The Panda America's

number three
smooth jazz station.

Wow.

And here it is.
My... My little nook.

Wow. Man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.

Wow.

I kind of envy you, Brad.

Stop it.

It's true. I mean,
you're a nice guy,

making a comfortable
living,

and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.

Really? Thanks for
saying that.

I mean it. And that sacrifice she's
making for you... That's true love.

Sacrifice?

Well, sure, Brad.

You know how bad that
girl wants another baby.

She wants another baby?

For her to let
that slip away

and marry a man she knew to
be barren, that's true love.

How do you know
that I can't...

-Bradley.
-Yes?

Caroline says we're gonna hear
some new voice talent this a.m.?

Yes, sir, in about
15 minutes.

Okay. How'd it go with
the shitbag ex-husband?

You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?

Well, actually,
it's interesting, Mr. Holt,

because I want you
to meet Dusty Mayron.

Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?

Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.

Airborne?

Well, your lapel pin. 101st,
that's one hell of a division, sir.

Well,
thank you, Dusty.

Are you Airborne?

No, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,

but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.

Airborne Division?
Those guys love to fly.

Very nice to meet you, sir.

Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.

My pleasure.
It's an honor.

Fast friends over there.

That's wonderful.

Come on! No way!

The whole time you're running
guns for the freedom fighters

right under
the cartel's noses,

and they never suspected
it was you once?

Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire

the size of
four city blocks.

That's great.
I love that!

Holy buckets, Brad!

If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.

Come on, Leo,
cut it out.

Sir,
I think Barry's ready.

You're really going
to like this guy.

Okay. Ready to listen.

All right.

-You like him, Brad?
-I do.

I do. I mean, I think his
voice has a warm dependability

that all Panda listeners
could trust.

What do you think, Duster?

Does Dusty now
work for The Panda?

Yeah, Brad's right.

I'm not really into smooth
jazz. I shouldn't comment.

Nobody's
into smooth jazz.

I'm into smooth jazz.

Of course you are, Brad.

So what do you
think, Dusty?

I mean, it just seems
a little flaccid.

You know, I think you
need a voice with

some virility and hope,
that tells listeners,

"Hey! Maybe the next song won't
suck as bad as the last one."

Also, I think a strong
ability to be something like...

What...

What just happened?

He sang the tagline.

Good boy, Tumor!

Daddy!

Hey!

Perfect timing.
Listen to this.

Is that you?

That's you?

Why is that him?

I took him to work,
and 15 minutes later

he's the new voice
of The Panda.

Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,

it's already run 11 times.

Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?

Yes. Every time, yes.

Money.

You see why I love America
even more than most people do?

Hey. What's this?

Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.

He's upstairs
fixing the damage.

Your wife had to
hire a man? For what?

Some framing,
a little sheetrock repair,

some masonry and basic
window glazing?

Come on, Brad. We can
bang that out tonight.

Yeah.

It's just basic
sheetrock glazing

and, you know,
little whatamajigs.

Get up there and

get in there and
crank it out.

Dusty is pretty good
with his hands.

Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.

Okay. Yeah, I'll just
go up there and I'll...

Want me to do it?
I'll tell him to screw.

No, no, no. That's okay.

I'll tell him...

Tell him the men are here.

I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."

I don't want to
imply to him

that he's not a man.
But I'll just say,

"Hey, the boys are
back in town." Right?

Hi.

I'm Brad...
My wife hired you.

Nice to meet you, Brad.

I just came up here
to say that you...

That, you should
have good luck.

Thank you for
your wishes of luck.

I'll be downstairs.

Well? What happened?

You know,
I think it's...

He already started, and I
just think it feels wrong.

Why? Because he's black?

No. No, no.

Megan! Dylan!

What are you doing?

Teaching moment.

Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently

just because of the color
of their skin?

-Brad's being racism?
-Racist, honey.

Brad is a racist.

No, I mean...
But not on purpose.

-Is Brad a Klan person?
-No.

So I'm a racist if
I don't fire someone?

Well, yeah, you are.

Yeah, you are.

Sir, you're taking
this all wrong.

Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,

and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself?

No, not at all.
Please,

allow me to pay you
for your time and travel.

Don't do me any favors,
Paula Deen.

I'm not a woman.

You did the right thing.

Boy, it doesn't
feel that way.

Let's get cracking. Where
do you keep your tools?

I know where Brad keeps
his tools. In the credenza.

You keep your tools

in the credenza, Brad?

Just easier to get to.

It's convenient.

Yeah.

This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?

No. We're not gonna...
Unless you want to go fishing.

What have you got in here?

A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and...

A tampon.

Yeah, well, a tampon's
handy for...

Yeah, I know what
they're handy for.

So are we not
going to fix it?

Well, what do you
want from me, Brad?

To buy all the gear we need
would cost more

than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.

And the King,
he thought

the Step King seemed okay at
first, a little soft, maybe,

but, heck, the Queen
needed a meal ticket.

But the more the King
learned about him,

the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.

So the King decided
there was only one way to...

Psst...
Hey. Good story?

Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.

But the evil Step King wouldn't
give him his crown back.

Okay, yeah. I think I've
heard this story before.

It's a story
as old as time, Brad.

Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.

He was a really good guy.

Fun at parties,
great conversationalist,

affable.
And he saw

that the beautiful Queen and
perfect Prince and Princess

were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.

Yeah, but wasn't
the Queen sad because

the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?

Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.

Hey, Brad, come on. We're
just doing fairy tales here.

All right. Well,
the Queen wasn't sad,

just for the record.

The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.

Yeah, Brad's right. I'm sure
the Queen was thrilled. Right?

Right?

Yeah.

Honey,

what's the matter?

Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?

No. No, I mean,

this is a little
embarrassing,

but it's just, I was...

Is there any chance you
still want another baby?

My God. What, did
Dusty say something?

He's just trying to
get in your head.

So it's not true then?

Okay. Maybe I did
want another baby.

But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...

And I'm not blaming
them. I love them.

They are my fuzzy
little pals.

You don't have to
say that.

They are.

I am 100% happy with
the family that I have.

The only reason
I'm putting up with him

is because my kids
are so happy to see him.

And I want them to have a
relationship with their father.

You know what?

I can't wait to
see his face

when he figures out how much
you really do for his kids.

Yeah. I mean, I'm

involved.
I'm emotionally available.

Yeah, you are.

You are darn right.

It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.

I am fired up!

Let's get some shut-eye.

Hallelujah!

Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!

Brad! Look what Dad did!

He finished
the treehouse for you!

Hey, hey! B-man!

No, watch out, B!

Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.
You all right?

Brad, what do you
think, man?

Wow. Pretty cool zipline.

You like that?
It's military grade.

You built all this today?
With my tools?

No, you can't build a
treehouse with a tampon, Brad.

No, I had a little
bit of help.

Yo, Dylan,
PS4 is all hooked up.

Thanks, Uncle Griff.

No problem, buddy.

Uncle Griff?

Dude, I went out for
a beer last night,

and who's tending bar
but our man Griffy?

We get to talking and we just
click. You know what I mean?

He's a great dude, man.
He really is.

I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.

All right? He's having
a tough time at home,

and your firing him
sure didn't help.

Well, I fired him
because you made me!

I made you?

Am I in charge around here
now? Is my name on the mortgage?

Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,

and me and Griffy
were just staying here.

He's not staying here.

Because he's black?

No, not because of that.

Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?

So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...

-I don't have any prejudices.
-I said "may or may not."

-Well, it's may not.
-Well, that's good.

Because that's one
of the ones I said.

Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.

We got to be
safe around here.

Wait, half-pipe?

Look, I know it's taking up a lot
of the yard, but it's gonna make

your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.

I got a sound system,
we got

a couple Go-Pros. That's
Corey from Red Bull over there.

Hey, Corey!

You got a sponsor
for my backyard?

Hey, Mr. Mayron!
You want next?

Nicholas, please,
it's Dusty!

And, yes, I do.
Brad, watch this run.

I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,

Dylan and Megan.
This is for you!

Looks like you picked the
wrong leisure activity, buddy.

Thank you.

Hey, Sara.

Okay. Who's got next?

I do!

Look!

Some cute little
tricks there, Dusty.

Really adorable.

Brad?

Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it

back in the empty pools
of Encino,

Castaic, Irvine,
Long Beach?

Santa Clarita?

Santa Cruz?

Fremont?

Honey, no,
please come down.

I intend to, sister.

Come on, Brad,
it hasn't been that long.

Godspeed.

Whoa!

My God! Brad!

No, it's best not to
touch him. Wait a second.

What do you mean, don't
touch him? He's in trouble.

Look, I know he's
in trouble, okay?

But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?

You?

Okay. All right, guys, we
have an emergency situation.

And what's the first
thing we do? Anybody?

You! Redhead.

Call 911.

Close. But wrong. First
thing we do is remain calm.

Yeah, that's good advice.

The 911 operator can't understand
you if you're hysterical, okay?

So let's all take a deep
breath. In for ten...

Are you kidding me
right now? Help him!

Hey, that doesn't
sound calm, Sara.

Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher

what happened
calmly, okay?

Anybody know
what we do next?

Check for pulse!

Nice! My star pupil!
Come on up here.

All right! Okay,
two fingers on the neck,

right below the ear.

Good. You feel
a heartbeat?

Okay, now that means that Brad
here is now clinically... Anybody?

You, Jean Jacket!

Attaboy, Jean Jacket.
You're a smart kid.

He is dead.

All right, so what do we do?

Come on,
we're losing him here.

Give him C.P.R.?

Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.

All right! All right,
lock your fingers like this

and press down
hard right here.

Great job, sweetheart.

Dusty, hurry!

Okay, I'm going to go
ahead and take this one.

Okay? Watch closely now.

If you do your chest
compressions properly,

it shouldn't take long.
Clear out, guys.

I got him! I got him!

My dad can bring people
back from the dead!

Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!

Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.

You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.

We thought we lost you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.

All the kids think
he's Superman.

Well, now you know
how I felt.

I always had to be
the bad guy mom,

giving out the carrots
and the punishments,

and he would breeze in
from God only knows where

and get to be
the cool, fun dad.

Honey. Look.

I'll talk to him, okay?

I'll tell him to
get his stuff

and get over to the
Red Roof Inn. Pronto.

Great.

Wait. Prince Hans is
actually the bad guy?

Man, I didn't see
that coming at all.

He seemed like he
really loved Anna.

I hate Prince Hans.

Dusty.

Hey, how you
feeling, Sparky?

Sparky. That's hilarious.

Brad, have you
seen this movie?

It's unbelievable, man.

There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.

Yeah, I'm familiar
with Frozen.

Listen, Dusty, I need
to talk to you now.

I can't talk now, Brad.

Just pause the movie!

Can you guys
talk out there, please?

Griff, man.
You gotta pause it, man.

No! I don't want to
ruin the momentum.

He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?

Am I supposed to
pause my emotions?

Just pause the song, man.

What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?

This shouldn't take long.

Listen, I just think
that you're being here...

Yeah. No problem.

and now there's
Griff here,

it's presenting
some obstacles...

Stupid helmet!

Honey, what happened?

They pushed me
off my bike again!

I'm so sick of it!

I want them dead, Brad.
All right?

I want their parents dead.

And if they don't
have parents, I want

their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?

Okay, okay.

He's okay.

Megan's upstairs playing with
him. I am so pissed about this.

Was it the fourth
graders again?

Fourth graders? What,
you knew about this, Brad?

Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.

So, we role-played

some conflict
resolution dialogue.

Are you being serious
right now, Brad?

What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.

Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.

It's kind of
a family matter over here.

No, Dusty and
Griff are right.

Those little punks need
their butts whooped.

Hey, you got any
Miracle Whip?

Yeah, it's behind the...

Here. Hold on.
Let me just get it for you.

Guys, I know
we're upset right now,

but here's the thing.

Violence never
solved anything.

Hey, check your
history books, buddy.

Almost everything is
solved by violence.

There are better ways.

Okay. Name one.
Besides dialoguing.

Name one?

Name one!

What do you mean,
name one?

solve problems with things
other than fighting.

-What are you gonna do?
-I don't know.

Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!

Fine, yes!

Dancing! Dancing.

Did you... Did you just
say dancing, Brad?

It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.

They step up to each other
and get served

by crunking,
or popping and locking.

They call each other out,
they take turns,

and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.

But, at the end of the day,
no one's hurt.

And it's a great
aerobic workout.

He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.

There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.

I didn't even
think of this.

Electric Boogaloo.

One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better

than the original.

You got Step Up,
Stomp the Yard.

He makes a solid point.

Honey, are you telling us that
we should teach Dylan to dance?

No, I'm just saying

that teaching him to fight
isn't the answer.

Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?

Okay.

There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.

Yeah. A lot of protection.

All right, Dylan.
You ready, buddy?

You're ready.

Brad, Griff. You guys
be the fourth graders.

-I'll be Dylan.
-Ok.

All right. Hey, buddy, the
first thing you want to do

is call out
the biggest one.

Hey! What's the matter?

You too much of
a pussy to take me on

without your little bitches
to back you up?

Wow. Okay, yes. That cut
right through me, there.

I'm filled with inner
shame right now.

Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving

"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?

No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass

"all on my own." But now you only
got one bully to contend with.

Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.

Watch. Brad,
give me a little shove.

All right.

Whoa, I didn't connect
there, did I?

No. It was really close,
though.

See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough

to let his weight
bring him in,

then I came
right down Broadway.

I'm not gonna hit you.

Okay, relax. Okay?

Bam!

It's called the element
of surprise.

Then you start
punking his ass!

You want some more of that,
bitch? You like that, bitch?

All right. Do we really
need to use that word?

Honey, yes.

Unfortunately,
we do. I'm sorry.

You have to make
him a bitch.

It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.

Now stay down, bitch!

Then you kick that kid
right in the nuts!

Kick him in
the nuts, Dylan!

Wait! I thought you
were in my gang.

Yeah, but once Dylan tuned
you up, I switched sides.

What do you think happens out
there on the playground, Brad?

All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?

I'll be the fourth grader.

Can I just go inside
already, please?

Hey, buddy come on, this
is easy. You can do this.

I said, no!
I don't like this stuff.

I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?

Okay, come here, buddy.

Come on. It's all right.

Help me out here.
Come on.

Hey, wait.

Pal, listen...

I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.

Okay? When I was your age,

this group of older kids
started picking on me.

I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.

They bothered me every day,
because they knew

I was too afraid
to face them.

Until one day,
I'd had enough.

And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.

Really? And they
left you alone?

Damn right they did.

Brad.
That was good.

Come here, buddy. Hey, I'm
proud of you. All right?

Now, look at me.
I want you to

punch them right
in the Adam's apple. Okay?

I want you to
shatter their throat.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.

Full disclosure.
Some of the elements

of my story weren't
exactly true.

The incessant crying,
100% true.

The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I...

I've never punched
anyone in my life.

I could have
told you that.

Then what did you do?

Yeah, what did you do?

Well, nothing at all. In
fact, sixth grade was so rough,

I changed my name to

Devin Lacecock.

Why the hell would
you tell him that?

I pretended to be blind
for an entire school year,

just to elicit empathy.

Which was great until

they found me intently
watching an episode of MASH.

In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance

our house to put me
in private school.

Let's just do that. Can I
go to private school, please?

No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?

Because ever since that day,

I've always run away
from conflict.

In fact, if I had a dad like
Dusty when I was your age, maybe

he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.

So, wait. You're saying,

if I don't stick up
for myself now,

I'll grow up to be
a huge wussy like you?

Yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.

Okay. Then let's do this.

Come on, buddy,
you got this.

Give me something.
Come on.

Faster, harder,
meaner, stronger.

You're fast,
you're good.

You're a winner.
You're a champion.

They got to let you
off the leash, baby.

We got a little
pit bull here.

That was really nice,
you guys. Good job.

It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together

like a couple of
great co-dads.

Yeah.

Co-dads. That's...

That's good stuff.

You know what? In that
same spirit of unity,

I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me

to stay here and share
moments like these.

About that, Dusty. When I pulled
you over there, actually...

No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.

And I repay my debts.

Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.

I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.

What are you saying?

Dusty, please! You got a guy?

Yes, I got a guy.
A fertility doctor.

He's a buddy of mine. I trained
him for his first Ironman.

All right? Dr. Francisco
is the real deal.

Dr. Emilio Francisco?

You've heard of him?

My God, yeah.

He's been on Dr. Oz
like 10 times.

Yeah, he's one
of the top five

reproductive endocrinologists
in the country.

See? People wait years to get
an appointment with this guy.

Do you really think
he would see us?

Whoa, whoa, hold on.

I know he would.

If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.

Mommy's going to
have a baby?

Cool! Can we name it Griff?

Thanks, D-man.

Look, you guys, I don't
know if this is a good idea.

What, you don't wanna name
your baby after a black person?

Is that it?

You probably want to name it
something really white,

like Connor or Gordon.

Harland, or Scot
with one T. Or Brad.

No, no, Griff is a lovely
name. I'm just saying,

I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,

because, in the end,

odds are, I'm going
to let you down.

Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?

We could just try,
right? It can't hurt.

Okay, sure.
You can't get your hopes up.

No. I won't, I won't!
Thank you!

I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.

Where are you going?

You calling
your mother?

Okay, yes, but it's
about something else.

It's not about
something else.

Damn it, Brad,
he set you up.

He used this fancy doctor to get
your wife back on the baby train.

When those test results come back and
prove that you can't give her a baby,

guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?

Well, I trust my wife,

so we really don't need to
keep talking about it, okay?

Let me tell you
a little story, Brad.

When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,

she told me that she
had a 23-year-old kid.

Brazilian boy. Said
she had him real young.

So he moves in with us.

Doesn't speak
a lick of English.

There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.

"Andreas, get your
feet off the furniture."

"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."

"Andreas, you got to
stay off the 'roids."

And he'd get mad, and
hit me with a car antenna.

Maybe that's
the way kids are.

No. Not really.

So I adopt him, help
him get his citizenship.

The second the papers come
through, guess what happens?

I already know.

Bam! They shack up
together in Barstow.

It turns out Andreas
is her boyfriend, Brad.

I did not see it coming.

I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.

The moral of
this fable is,

it's good to know
when you're beaten.

You know I think
the world of you, Brad.

But if I'm being
completely honest,

even I'm rooting
for Dusty.

He's just so
damn likeable.

You know, it's getting
kind of late.

Shouldn't we just
get back to work?

Okay, you win.

So where are we on The Panda
Jam numbers for next summer?

London, you still on
the conference call?

Dusty Mayron,
you crazy hijo de puta!

Hey,
what's up, Doc?

You look great, man. You
still rocking those Ironmans?

Yeah, bro. I just
finished Brazil in 11:40.

That's unbelievable.

Yeah. Well, come on.

Ain't nothing on you, man.

Hey, my first race, I'm
limping across the finish line

when this bastard laps me.

I mean, come on,
who wins an Ironman,

then decides to go around
again? Who does that?

It sounds exhausting.

Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco.
You must be Sara.

Hi.

Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.

And you weren't lying
about this one either.

You must be Chief
Glowing Sack.

What?

Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.

Come on, little hug.

Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.

All right.
So let's run it down.

I think we can safely say

that your issue has
nothing to do with X-rays.

You know what,
sweetheart, come here.

Let's see that
pretty little hand.

Okay. Now put it
right in here.

Okay, you feel that?

Okay, that is
not how you want

testicles to be shaped.

Really? It feels like
all the other...

Hi.

Well, it cuts off blood
flow, okay? Limits potency.

You want them to...
You know what? Actually...

Hey, Dusty!

Why is he coming in here?

Little help in here, please.

Come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?

Come on. Be a sport.

My God!
What are you doing?

Is this even ethical?

James and
the Giant Peach.

Did you just gulp?

It's okay,
I gulp every time.

You see, this...
This is what you want.

Plump and bulbous.

Glassy smooth, like

two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?

Don't embarrass me in front of
Sara like this anymore, okay?

Hey, sorry, bro.

So, ready to milk the cow, see if
we even got a sliver of hope here?

Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want
to try to break your own record?

No, I'm good.

Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.

Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.

All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.

Yeah.
Kid came to play.

Should I grab
a big cup, too?

What?
Stop screwing around.

Come on.
We're burning daylight here.

Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be

for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?

Would you need
restaurant-grade ovens?

Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?

It's his first resids check.

Disclaimer.
It's more than you make.

Don't get worried about it.

And tell him,
8:30 sharp at my house.

He doesn't need to bring
anything. All right, buddy?

I've never been
to your house.

No, you haven't.

My God,
my hair, it looks awful.

Doesn't Mommy's
hair look pretty?

-No. Next slide, please.
-Okay.

Slides. Fun.

Cool. You guys
climbed that?

Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?

Mommy used to
kiss Daddy a lot.

Married people
kiss a lot.

Ready?

Wow, China.

I loved it there.

Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.

Dusty, that's enough.

Okay, next slide.

That's where your
mom and I met,

doing The King and I
in summer stock.

God, that costume
was so tight.

Next slide, please.

My God.

Is that baby me?

All right, you guys, let's,
get ready for bed.

It's story time,
Mayron family!

We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?

I really don't like you, but
that shit is heartbreaking.

Yay! Griff's home!

So the King raised his mighty sword and
rained steel down upon the Step King.

But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.

And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.

Which the King easily brushed
aside like the feather of a gull.

And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes

and thrusts
so fast and precise

that the Step King
had no way to parry.

Yay!

But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.

Easily. It was no big deal.

Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand

and smashed it
over his knee.

Boo!

That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!

Which is completely
anachronistic.

So if we're doing
any time period,

then the Step King
just happened to be

wearing Kevlar body armor.

Concussion grenade!

Hand grenade.

Rocket launcher.

Missile launcher.

Air strike.

Nuclear strike.

Black hole.

We know what this
comes down to.

The Step King
was very upset

because when the real King
pulled out his sword,

it was long and shiny,

and the Step King did
shudder at the size of it.

And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,

beautifully engraved
broadsword,

all the maidens
in the land

preferred the more
average-sized

Step King's sword because

it knew how to listen.

And the King needs to realize
he's a guest in his castle

and he better mind
his P's and Q's

because the Step King
has had it up to here

with the King's bullshit!

Brad said a naughty word.

Kids, I'm so sorry you had to
hear that inappropriate language.

Make sure you
tell your mother.

Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?

Brad, what just
happened in there, man?

Look, the Step King should not
have used inappropriate language

in front of the Prince and
Princess, he admits that.

Why are you still saying
it like that, Brad?

We're out in the hall.

I don't know. I'm upset.

Hold on.

Ho-ho! Hello?

Yeah, Brad's here,
he's doing good.

Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.

He wants us all to come in
tomorrow. 9:30 work for you?

-Yeah, I guess so.
-Yeah, we'll see you then.

All right, bud.
Come on, man.

The doctor will be
with you in a moment.

Thank you.

Hey, Brad,

whatever happens here,
I just want you to know

that I'm proud of you
for doing your best.

Thank you.

Hello, hello. Okay. I'm going
to cut right to the chase.

Sara, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

God. That is
a tough break. I'm sorry.

Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.

Yeah, it's a real
shame, Sara.

A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up

with Brad here
pounding away on you

over and over, now that
he's got a fighting chance

of getting you pregnant.

What?
My God!

Holy moly!

My God.

Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.

Remember what you said about the
blood flow and the screwy 'nads?

Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.

Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male

comes around,
it can spike testosterone,

driving up sperm counts.

Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,

I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.

That's so wonderful.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Can we give you a hug?

Yeah. Come on in.

My gosh.

Did not expect this.

You virile sea snake, you.

-I underestimated you, Brad.
-Yes, you did.

This is what you need to do.

You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.

He's gonna smell your
urine and know that

your virility is not
to be taken lightly.

It's good advice. I did
it last year in the lobby.

I remember.
It was a health hazard.

It scared the FedEx guy.

No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.

Okay, fine,
take the high road.

But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.

Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,

he has to be stepdad
to your baby.

How beautiful is that?

Come on, five it.

No. You know,
it feels strange

to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.

I've been on Dusty's team.

I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.

I'd really rather not.

I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.

It feels... No, thanks.

Got it!

Wait. No.

It didn't count.

I love you, Brad.

It's not a binding
high-five.

Fat beans in there.

Dusty?

Brad.

What can I do for you?

Wow, that's some
impressive up-downs.

Look,

what you did for
Sara and me,

that's a life-changer, and

I just wanted to
say thank you.

And I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Well, here's the thing.

I mean, you show up,

here's this guy
who's cool and exciting.

I guess I felt
a little competitive,

and slightly insecure,
and I start thinking,

well, maybe you want
to challenge me.

But today you proved that
all you really care about

is our family's happiness.

Man.

I'm humbled.

I mean it.
And you know what?

You're right.
I was challenging you, Brad.

The truth?

I see this new
man in my kids' life.

He's kind and caring
and successful,

and I don't even
want to like you.

But I can't help it.
I like you, Brad.

Really?

I was determined to push you
out and get my family back.

I was underhanded and
disingenuous about it.

I feel like a monster.

No. No, no, no.

At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.

You are allowed to have
those feelings. Okay?

Heck, we're talking about your own
children here, for cripes' sake.

Clean slate?

Absolutely.

Come here.

You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,

after doing all those
push-ups.

That's exemplary.

Thank you, Dusty.

Thank you, Brad.

You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,

I mean, we're through
all that, right?

No, no, no.
I'm here to defeat you

and take back my family.
That can't change.

But now I'll follow your noble
example and do it above board.

Honestly. Like a man.
Like you.

But we just hugged.
You said you like me.

I do like you,
Brad, very much.

It doesn't make
this any easier.

You know I'm gonna have to tell
Sara what you said in here today.

Of course. It would be
irresponsible not to.

She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.

You're right
about that, Brad.

What the hell
are you up to?

I just told you
what I'm up to.

My head is spinning
right now.

Hey, you got any sweet
potatoes? Or yams?

Sweet potatoes or yams?

Griff, you know we
have yams, all right?

You made me
buy them for you.

I wanted to respect
your house by asking you

before I got them. I didn't
want to just go grab yams.

Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.

Just go get the yams.

Here's the thing.
You're right, Dusty.

Yeah. I'm not going
to tell Sara.

But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.

You can eat my dust, Dusty.

Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?

It's not.
It's the middle of April.

Daddy must have
done this!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

No, he didn't.

Brad.

Ho, ho!

Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.

But this Brad you speak of

called me all the way up
at the North Pole.

He said his children
were so sad because

their biological father
had missed so many

Christmases and birthdays

and special family holidays,
so he asked me

to come here today
so that Dusty

could experience
one Christmas

with his kids before
he leaves again.

Probably for a long,
long time.

Ho, ho, ho!

Can we open presents?

You sure can,
little girl.

I think they're
from Brad.

In fact, all the presents
are from Brad.

Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.

Nope. Not one present
from Dusty. All from Brad.

Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?

Hey, Tumor,
quit humping Mrs. Claus!

Okay, I am officially
worried about you.

Don't worry,
Claus hasn't forgotten you.

For me?

Yeah.

My God, honey, it's
beautiful. I love it.

Wait, no! No!
No, no. It's too much.

No, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.

A pony! A pony! A pony!

I know, it's a pony!

Ho, ho, ho!

It's a pony, Dusty!
A pony!

Can we name her
Princess Elsa?

You can name him whatever
you want, because it's yours!

Brad, how can
we afford a pony?

Where are we even
going to put that thing?

I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.

Look, it's only
half a horse.

Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.

What's this?
What the heck?

It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...

against Dylan's
favorite team,

the Los Angeles Lakers?

Thanks, Brad!
You're the coolest!

I love you, Brad!

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Merry Christmas,
Whitaker family!

Christmas?

How long was I asleep for?

You guys got
enough candy?

Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!

No, it isn't. It's not
Christmas, kids.

All right.
Here we are.

Sick! We're this close?

Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.

Perfect. Dylan,
you sit next to me.

And, Dusty,
I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I could only get four in
a row. I couldn't get five.

So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.

All right, guys,
I'll be right here.

We can still chat.

Bye, Daddy.

Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.

Thank you, Brad, this is the
best present I've ever gotten.

You are so welcome.

In my whole life.

I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!

How much did
these seats cost?

Not too much.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome

to all the kids from
Hearts of Courage.

Whoo! Hearts of
Courage kids!

Proud of you,
you're all miracles!

Whoo! I love kids!

All right, honey.
That's plenty.

I just get excited
when I'm with my family!

Dusty! Dusty Mayron!

Marco? Hey!

What's up, man?
Are you coaching now?

Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.

Check you out.

Hey, I played ball
with him in Italy.

This is my family.
My little guy, Dylan.

He's the biggest Kobe
fan in the world.

Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.

What? You hear that?

You want to meet Kobe?

Bring the whole
family down.

You guys can sit
with the team.

Hey, this is my
little girl, Megan.

She just invited me to her
first Daddy-Daughter Dance.

What did he just say?

What the hell
did he just say?

Sorry. He's okay.

No, I'm not okay.
He's not okay.

Honey, you need to calm down.

No! I'm not gonna calm down.

She asked me first!

And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.

You know what, actually, it's
very fair. Okay? She has two dads.

She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.

No, I'm not going to
accept it. All right?

I do pick-up!
I do drop-off!

Okay, I volunteer
at school!

I listen to the tantrums
and the crying

and the soundtrack of Frozen that's
on a goddamn loop all the time!

And he just waltzes in
for a few days,

and now he gets to
go as well? No!

No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!

Megan, you got to choose!

You got to choose!

It's the biggest decision
of your life!

Hey!

You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,

because I know
you're very upset.

But you need to get
over yourself. Okay?

Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.

No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand for
these seats. I'm not leaving them!

What?

What did you just say?

Yeah. Nothing. Let's
just... You're right.

I'm so much more
relaxed now. Thank you.

Yeah. Let's just go
down... Let's just...

No!

I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,

and think of all the better
ways your family

could have used that money.

Sara.

The guy from
the nuclear sub thing?

Mayron! That's him.

That's the guy?

Can I get some beers down
here? Can I get five beers?

Excuse me, some beers!

What's up, everybody?

Let's make some noise!

Whoo-hoo!

Tonight, one lucky
fan is going to

get a chance to
shoot from half court

to win a family vacation
to Disney World!

And our lucky fan
is sitting in

section 113,

row 6,

C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?

It's me. It's me, I win!

There he is.

I win.

I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.

All right, Brad!

Yay, Brad!

Yay, Brad!

All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?

First off,
I love my kids.

He loves his kids!
Let's give it up!

And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,

I would hurt them.

Okay.

I would freakin' hurt them!

Okay.

This guy over here
is trying to take them!

Trying to steal my family.

He doesn't sweat!

Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...

But I got news
for you, buddy!

Last night, while you
were sleeping,

I made love to our wife!

My wife!

Sara, right over there!

Took my wiener
out of my pants!

This is a family
event, okay?

Boo! Boo!

All right.

So,

even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be

the stepdad to my kid!

You see how you
like it! Okay?

Let's get somebody else down
here, all right? Somebody else...

Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!

Give me that ball, you.

This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.

Nothing but net.

All right, he's going
for it! Nothing but net!

Do-over!

That's a do-over!

No do-over. No.

It's a do-over!

I'm so sorry you had to
see that. I'm so sorry.

Hey, kids, why don't you go
inside and put on your pajamas?

-What are you doing?
-I'm comforting you.

Sara, look... Sorry,
too soon. I know.

But I just want you to know that
I'm here for you and the kids.

Really? You want to be a real
parent now? Is that what this is?

Absolutely. I'm here now.

Dusty, I'm working
crazy hours this week.

With Brad gone, the kids are
gonna have to be dropped off,

picked up, taken to
swimming lessons.

Dylan has a play date
with Eli on Tuesday,

and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.

Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,

but this is a new me. All
right? This is the new Dusty.

Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.

-You need a car.
-Done.

Okay.

Hey! You're not staying here!

Are you sure you don't need
company right now?

I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.

Be here at 6:30
tomorrow morning.

Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?

No!

I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.

Hey.

What did you throw
Griff out for?

This place is chaotic.

There's always some bullshit
going on in that house.

God, man. Want to go to
the Red Roof Inn?

Let's do it.

-Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
-Yes, sir.

Okay. No running!

All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!

Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!

Keep it inside...

That's right! Thank you.

Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.

Should I expect you
from now on?

Yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.

Terrific. I see
that you also

haven't signed up to
volunteer in the lane.

Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,

in the classroom,
PTA, and so forth.

We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,

costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.

I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.

Sure, yeah.
You can count on me.

I mean, I'm their real dad, so,
yeah, I'll be here every day.

Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around

to the back
of the line. Okay?

No, I can't go around.

I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...

If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!

I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?

Just go around!

I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!

No, you can't! Okay?

She said stay in the cone,
like ice cream!

Go around!

Inside the cones!

Amanda has got a recital!

I have to get there!
You need to go!

Hey!

We always stay
inside the cones!

Cones!

Cones! Come on!

Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?

No.

Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate

and the B.O.?

I crapped in
the wastebasket.

You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,

her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.

You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."

His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.

Anyway, I get off early
one day, get home, and

there he is, stark
naked in our bed.

I didn't know
what to think.

Really? You didn't
know what to think?

Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison

with a tattoo on
my lower back

of a golf ball rolling
towards my butthole.

I can't hear these
stories anymore.

I'm sorry. I know
they're supposed to help...

Griff! What are you
doing here?

Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.

He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.

I tried to talk some
sense into him,

but he seemed determined
to get out of town.

What, he's leaving?

I don't think
I have to tell you,

but little Megan's
dance is tonight,

and she's not going to
have a daddy.

That's fantastic.
Brad, you win.

And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.

I mean,
you're the daddy again.

Come on, hit that.

No, I'm not her daddy.

I wish more than
anything I was,

but I'm not.

Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.

Griff!

Wait!

He's still
in the room, Brad.

Hey.

Sorry. I thought
you stormed out.

What you said sounded
like a storm-out,

and then I heard
the door close.

I just thought that shit
was getting kind of personal,

so it'd be good
to close the door.

So extremely thoughtful.
Thank you. Yeah.

And just so you know
where my head was at,

I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?

You'd hear my footsteps
and you're like,

"Is someone after...
What's going on?"

Boom! It's me, and I'm like,
"Griff, hey!

"You were right."

Holy shit! That
would be so uplifting.

Can we do that?

Griff, can you storm out,
and Brad, you go after him?

I don't really want
any part of that.

That sounds like
pure nonsense to me.

I don't want...
I'd rather not.

We could just try it,
you know?

No, that sounds forced
and weird to try to

recreate something.
Not even recreate.

It would be creating.
It didn't happen.

It's over-discussed
at this point.

Shouldn't you
go see your kid?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

You guys go.
Brad, can I come?

No.

Daddy's not coming, is he?

Honey, he'll be here.
He promised.

I see cupcakes
over there.

I think you should
go eat some. Go on.

Go eat a lot of sugar.

Dusty.

-No.
-Come on, Dusty.

Where are you going?

I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.

You're just gonna leave?

I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said

I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.

-I guess that's out, then.
-Yeah, that is out.

So it's gotta be you.

I'm sorry, Brad, I just
can't do it, all right?

What do you mean,
you can't do it?

I can't stay
inside the cones.

Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.

It's not about the cones.

You just said it was...

The cones are
a metaphor, Brad.

I'm not the domestic
type, okay?

Dusty, come on. What
are you talking about?

You're organized,
you're handy.

You make the best cinnamon
rolls I have ever tasted.

Those were Cinnabons,
Brad. Come on.

You can't make rolls like
that in a conventional oven.

I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!

So you've been telling
some tall tales?

All that Special Ops stuff.

No, just the Cinnabons!

Why would you lie
about Cinnabons?

'Cause I wanted
to win. All right?

I wanted to prove that I was
a good dad, too, but I'm not.

Okay? Are you happy? Is
that what you want to hear?

All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.

You do one thing wrong, you
can screw them up for life.

Do you realize that?

Dads have to make
a lot of choices, okay?

And we blow most of them.

Yeah, and the other parents.

That kid, Eli. I was over there for
a play date. You know about this?

You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,

to play Hot Wheels anymore,

now you got to make
some kind of date?

I know, it's a shame.

Well, I'm over there,

and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be

in the gifted program
with Eli.

Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.

I wanted to murder
that smug prick.

Dusty, look, I hate
that guy, too, okay?

But his son is Dylan's best
friend, so you suck it up.

I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take shit.

I mean, that's what we do.

I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take shit like you do.

You take shit better than
anyone I've ever met,

and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.

But I'm sorry, Brad.
I can't.

I can't do it, man.

You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.

Did you just punch me
in the face, Brad?

Yes.

Knowing full well I got no
choice but to bust you up now?

I really wish you wouldn't.

If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I would.

Good luck, Dusty.

What? No, no,
you gotta come.

It's just... I can't see
Sara after what I said.

Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.

You just stand there
and look lost without her.

Well, that's good.
Then let's go.

But I look terrible.

Yeah, you do. Come here.

What are you doing?

I'm fixing you up, man.

Dusty, get your hands
out of my pants.

Calm down. Think I want
to touch your little dinky?

I'm trying to fix you up.

All right. Let me see.

-Wow. I look great.
-Here you go.

-That's incredible.
-Come on.

Hey, pumpkin.

Daddy wanted to be here, I
know he did. He just gets...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

She's doing her
arms-folded thing.

You said she'd smile. Maybe
even start a slow clap.

Don't worry, I got this.
Okay? Come on.

Hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.

And look who he's with.

Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?

No, I didn't.

-Sara, listen...
-No!

No. I am not going
to listen to you.

You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.

Sara, I am so sorry...

Just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?

Really?

Yes.

Neither one of you
deserves her, but yes.

No, you take the first one.

You've earned it
more than I have.

Dusty, please,
she's your daughter.

What the hell did I miss?

I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.

I'll say my good-byes, and
then I'll get out of your hair.

Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"

you mean leave, like
leave-leave? Tonight?

Daddy! Brad! The
fourth graders are here.

They're picking on
Dylan again.

That's it. Those little
shitheads are dead.

Where are they?

Those are
the fourth graders?

They're girls.

They're so mean.

Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?

Are you a daughter?
Are you a girl?

Are you too scared to take me
on without your little friends?

No, he's calling out
the big one.

No, no, no.

Come on!

Dylan!

Yes!

Dylan, what are you doing?

Did you see? Did you see?

I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.

And then I kicked her
right in the nuts.

You like that, bitch?

You want some more, bitch?

Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?

He punched me in the face.

Then he kicked me
in the swimsuit area.

Then he called me
the "B" word.

Who did, him?

He did. I saw it. He said
they taught him to hit girls.

No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.

No, what he means is that

Dylan told us that a fourth
grader was picking on him,

but he didn't tell us
it was a girl.

Yeah, and if you had,
we'd have told you

that it's never okay
to hit a girl.

And that she's probably
only bugging you

because she
likes you, buddy.

I do not like him.

I think she likes him.

Gross, whatever.

She totally does.

Are you calling
my daughter a whore?

They were implying it, Jerry.

Wait. That's quite
a stretch.

Mrs. Troy, please.
I got this.

Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?

They both are.

My gosh. Wow!

I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.

It's something I've wanted
to hear for a long time,

so it's a bit poignant.

I tend to cry a lot

when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.

I'm actually the stepdad.

So you're
the real dad!

Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.

You threatening me now,
tough guy?

He's threatening you, Jerry.

Nobody's threatening anybody.

But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.

And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,

or I'm gonna have to
rap you in the mouth.

Hey, hey, hey.
Everyone just calm down.

We're at the
Daddy-Daughter Dance.

You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!

I want to talk to
the real dad here.

Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.

You ever want to see how you
should be raising your kids,

go look at this guy.

Here I go again.
What did I tell you?

Really? You mean that?

Yes, I do, Brad.

You're a great dad.

You shouldn't have
done that.

Yeah? Why?

I'm pretty sure he kills
people for a job.

He's been rather
vague with me,

but that's what
I'm kind of surmising.

-Are we gonna do this?
-We're gonna do it.

Okay. You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

This is what you get.

Daddy.

Want another one?
Come on in.

What's going on?

Is this like some
UFC shit?

Come on, Brad.

That's right.
It's a dance, Jerry.

Yeah. So dance, Jerry!

Yeah! You just got
served, Jerry!

You just got
a piping hot serving.

I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!

You don't know this about me,
Jerry, but I like to move my body.

Get it, Brad!

Yeah! Yeah, Brad!

This is a dance!
Let's go!

Am I the only one
with my shirt off?

You know you can't
leave, right?

You want me to stay?

These guys are growing up so
fast. You don't want to miss it.

You're sweating profusely.

I know. I sweat a lot.

That's cool.

Thank you.

So Dusty did stay.

And with the huge
amount of money

he was making as
the voice of The Panda,

he built his own
new castle

right down the street.

Hey!

But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.

It turns out Tumor
was only five...

...so we're going
to have him...

...for a long,
long time.

Tumor!

And I was more than
a little surprised

when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife

and his new stepdaughter.

This is my stepdaughter,
Adriana.

Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.

That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?

Hey, hon.
Who's at the door?

Hey, Sara.
This is my wife, Karen.

Is it...
Your wife?

That Karen, wow,
she is so great.

It turns out she's

a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...

Hon, would you...

Come here, Griff.
Come here, Griff.!

And I was so surprised when I
found out that we're the same age.

I mean, she looks
so young, right?

Good for her!

Honey, you look
amazing tonight.

What are you
talking about?

It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.

I just got ready
really fast.

Hey, Griff.
Hey, little Griffy.

You want to come
to Daddy?

What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?

He doesn't carry
a wallet.

Sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?

You're not my dad.

Brad was right.

Being a stepdad
isn't always easy.

But he was also right
that it's worth it.

And he was right about
the Ford Flex, too.

It's a great family car.

Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.

I got the Weekender
package.

A few more bells and
whistles than Brad's,

but Brad doesn't
need to know that.

Daddy!

Sweetie, I've been
waiting for you to...

Did you just gulp?

No.

I heard a gulp.

Well, a little bit, maybe.

There you are.

He's a lot
bigger than you.

He's got
legs for arms.

Little star,
guess what?

I like him.
I like him a lot.

Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.

Remember, Loving Fence.
Just go say hi.

Yeah, look, I got this,
buddy. Watch.

-Hey. You must be Roger.
-Nope.