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1
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:06,792
Among the more soul-satisfying
suburban activities...
2
00:00:06,966 --> 00:00:08,840
is that collaboration with nature...
3
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:11,298
that brings fragrance
and beauty to the home;
4
00:00:11,471 --> 00:00:13,463
Horticulture.
5
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:17,554
Husbands appreciate their wives'
efforts as they leave for their offices...
6
00:00:17,727 --> 00:00:20,681
secure in the knowledge
their mates are at home digging...
7
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:23,180
rather than in town shopping.
8
00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:29,194
Patience, fortitude and loving care
are rewarded by fragrant blooms...
9
00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:32,734
sturdy and bursting with colour.
10
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,533
Providing, of course, you have
the proper soil and a green thumb...
11
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:41,496
or unless you happen to be
a witch.
12
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:44,561
To think I'd ever live to see the day
a daughter of mine...
13
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:47,979
would be down on her knees
in the dirt digging for onions.
14
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:51,732
I'm not digging for onions,
I'm planting gladiolas.
15
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:56,315
- You're making a fool of yourself.
- Oh, now, Mother, don't be so stuffy.
16
00:01:56,490 --> 00:02:00,322
Everybody plants flowers around their
homes. It's part of the scheme of things.
17
00:02:00,536 --> 00:02:04,616
Anyway, it's fun planting seeds and
watching flowers grow in a natural way.
18
00:02:04,832 --> 00:02:10,039
Yes, I saw an exhibition of
that natural growth this morning.
19
00:02:10,212 --> 00:02:15,088
When whosis left for wherever
it is he goes in the morning.
20
00:02:15,384 --> 00:02:19,334
Well, I just didn't want to look
a failure first time at bat.
21
00:02:19,555 --> 00:02:20,930
First time at what?
22
00:02:21,765 --> 00:02:25,715
- "Bat," Mother, it's an expression.
- Yes, I know what a bat is.
23
00:02:25,936 --> 00:02:29,720
Those ugly flying things that people
think we're always cooking.
24
00:02:29,940 --> 00:02:34,269
Not that kind of bat, Mother.
A baseball bat.
25
00:02:35,654 --> 00:02:38,441
I'm afraid you've lost me.
26
00:02:38,699 --> 00:02:41,237
It's a game people play.
Haven't you ever seen it?
27
00:02:41,410 --> 00:02:46,155
- Oh, don't be absurd, Samantha.
- Well, it's every exciting.
28
00:02:46,331 --> 00:02:50,874
They play it with a ball
and a big stick called a bat.
29
00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:56,584
One man throws it to the man
holding the bat, who tries to hit it.
30
00:02:56,758 --> 00:02:59,878
Then everybody chases the ball,
and the man who hits it...
31
00:03:00,095 --> 00:03:03,677
runs in a circle on a field called
a diamond before anyone tags him.
32
00:03:06,017 --> 00:03:07,642
- You're not serious.
- Oh, yes.
33
00:03:07,811 --> 00:03:10,136
- Darrin took me once.
- I don't believe it.
34
00:03:10,355 --> 00:03:13,391
And the one who runs around
the most wins the series.
35
00:03:13,608 --> 00:03:15,647
Series of what?
36
00:03:16,694 --> 00:03:20,988
- Nothing. Just a series.
- That's typical.
37
00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:24,235
Typical. That's a human being
for you.
38
00:03:24,410 --> 00:03:28,159
Spend most of their lives running
in circles for a series of nothing.
39
00:03:28,998 --> 00:03:30,825
Would you like some coffee?
40
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,036
- Love some.
- I'll wash out the cups and saucers.
41
00:03:34,712 --> 00:03:37,915
- Why?
- Because we only have two.
42
00:03:38,090 --> 00:03:41,210
We haven't bought any dishes
or silver or linen yet.
43
00:03:41,844 --> 00:03:43,386
What sort of coffee do you have?
44
00:03:43,596 --> 00:03:45,921
Fresh. In the percolator,
I made it myself.
45
00:03:46,766 --> 00:03:49,173
No, thank you.
46
00:03:49,351 --> 00:03:53,598
I think I'll have a cup of Turkish kawa
this morning.
47
00:03:57,484 --> 00:04:01,612
- It's delicious. Have some?
- No, thank you.
48
00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:04,318
- And I wish you wouldn't do that.
- Do what?
49
00:04:04,491 --> 00:04:06,698
You know perfectly well
what I'm talking about.
50
00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:08,286
This is a normal household.
51
00:04:08,454 --> 00:04:11,905
And I'm trying to avoid witchcraft
wherever and whenever possible.
52
00:04:12,082 --> 00:04:15,498
It's ridiculous, Samantha. You are what
you are. You can't change that.
53
00:04:15,669 --> 00:04:19,002
I'm not trying to change,
I'm merely trying to adjust.
54
00:04:19,172 --> 00:04:23,336
- He's trying to make you over.
- He's doing no such thing.
55
00:04:23,885 --> 00:04:27,883
Samantha, one of these days
you'll see that I'm right.
56
00:04:28,098 --> 00:04:32,345
I detest sounding like one of those
mothers who thinks they know it all.
57
00:04:32,561 --> 00:04:34,637
But unfortunately...
58
00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:36,308
I do.
59
00:04:39,734 --> 00:04:42,688
- Get away from the window, Gladys.
- Look at that house, Abner.
60
00:04:42,862 --> 00:04:45,780
There's something funny going on
with that house.
61
00:04:45,949 --> 00:04:49,365
Nothing funny,
it's an ordinary house.
62
00:04:50,078 --> 00:04:53,743
If one minute you saw trees growing
and the next minute you saw nothing...
63
00:04:53,915 --> 00:04:56,322
wouldn't you think something funny
was going on?
64
00:04:56,543 --> 00:04:59,378
If you heard lightning
and whooshing noises all the time...
65
00:04:59,545 --> 00:05:02,463
as if things were flying,
wouldn't you think a minute...
66
00:05:02,632 --> 00:05:07,210
before being so sure that everything
was normal as blueberry pie, Abner?
67
00:05:07,428 --> 00:05:09,468
- Move, Gladys.
- You're not listening.
68
00:05:09,639 --> 00:05:11,797
- I'm listening.
- You're not interested.
69
00:05:12,099 --> 00:05:15,931
I'm interested, keep talking.
Just move a little.
70
00:05:16,145 --> 00:05:19,063
"Place cloves
approximately 2 inches apart.
71
00:05:19,273 --> 00:05:23,057
Sprinkle generously with brown sugar,
then add ginger ale..."
72
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:26,189
Mother, Mother, hold it.
I have to get the cloves in first.
73
00:05:26,363 --> 00:05:29,448
Of course, I'd forgotten you do
everything the hard way now.
74
00:05:29,617 --> 00:05:34,029
It isn't hard, it's fun. Anyway,
that oven practically does it for you.
75
00:05:34,205 --> 00:05:38,202
All you have to do is set the dials
for whatever time you want dinner...
76
00:05:39,126 --> 00:05:41,498
I forgot to ask Darrin
what time he'd be home.
77
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:44,042
I guess I'd better go to the village
and call him.
78
00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:46,498
What's the matter
with your telephone?
79
00:05:48,010 --> 00:05:52,054
- Hasn't been connected yet.
- Is that all?
80
00:05:53,307 --> 00:05:56,510
There you are. You can call now.
81
00:05:57,978 --> 00:06:03,185
Well, just remember,
you did it, I didn't.
82
00:06:05,277 --> 00:06:07,234
Oh, hi, honey.
83
00:06:08,530 --> 00:06:11,815
Well, I should be through here
about 6:30 and home about 8.
84
00:06:12,033 --> 00:06:13,991
I see you got the phone
connected, huh?
85
00:06:14,202 --> 00:06:17,536
No. No, they won't be here
until later this afternoon. Bye, darling.
86
00:06:17,747 --> 00:06:19,657
Bye, darling.
87
00:06:22,585 --> 00:06:24,377
Move a little,
would you mind, Gladys?
88
00:06:24,546 --> 00:06:28,460
Do you have any idea how nervous
I am about going over there today?
89
00:06:28,633 --> 00:06:31,587
- If you're nervous, don't go.
- Well, I've got to.
90
00:06:31,803 --> 00:06:33,712
I mean, we're part of
the Welcome Wagon.
91
00:06:33,888 --> 00:06:37,257
Shirley Clyde and June Foster and me,
we're the committee...
92
00:06:37,475 --> 00:06:40,725
and you know how they're dying
to get in there and see the house.
93
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:43,761
Move left a little,
I can't see the glass.
94
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:48,234
It wouldn't surprise me
if none of us were ever seen again.
95
00:06:48,611 --> 00:06:52,656
- What did you say?
- Oh, never mind.
96
00:06:52,907 --> 00:06:55,030
Your shadow's on top
of the ball, Gladys.
97
00:06:55,243 --> 00:07:00,533
So help me! I wish you'd cut
this nonsense and develop a hobby.
98
00:07:11,967 --> 00:07:18,219
- About 20 minutes per pound.
- Twenty-five would be better.
99
00:07:18,432 --> 00:07:22,430
Why, Mother, I thought you didn't fool
with mortal things like cooking.
100
00:07:22,603 --> 00:07:25,094
What I said was I didn't believe
in exerting myself.
101
00:07:25,272 --> 00:07:27,810
I didn't say I didn't know how.
102
00:07:27,983 --> 00:07:31,815
- Oh, I'll get it.
- Some of the girls coming to call.
103
00:07:31,987 --> 00:07:35,321
- Oh, really?
- Snooping, no doubt.
104
00:07:35,532 --> 00:07:38,901
I'm sure you won't mind
if I make myself scarce for a bit.
105
00:07:39,077 --> 00:07:43,241
- Coward.
- Discretion is the better part of valour.
106
00:07:48,086 --> 00:07:50,458
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
107
00:07:50,630 --> 00:07:53,834
I'm June Foster. This is Shirley Clyde
and Gladys Kravitz.
108
00:07:54,009 --> 00:07:57,543
- We're the Welcome Wagon Committee.
- Welcome to Morning Glory Circle.
109
00:07:57,762 --> 00:07:59,969
Well, thank you very much.
Won't you come in?
110
00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:02,013
You sure you're not busy
with someone?
111
00:08:02,183 --> 00:08:04,390
Maybe your mother,
maybe your sister?
112
00:08:04,561 --> 00:08:07,134
- No. Not a soul here but me.
- No one?
113
00:08:07,313 --> 00:08:10,149
- No.
- Oh, that's my boy, Robert.
114
00:08:10,316 --> 00:08:14,444
- Robert, now you behave yourself.
- Oh, he's a nice-looking young fellow.
115
00:08:14,612 --> 00:08:16,688
- Gracious.
- That's Shirley's son.
116
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,738
I see.
117
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,908
- Three.
- We don't know who he is.
118
00:08:21,077 --> 00:08:22,405
Oh, he's cute.
119
00:08:22,578 --> 00:08:25,579
We brought you this cake
as sort of a housewarming gift.
120
00:08:25,748 --> 00:08:28,702
- It's coffee cake.
- Why, thank you. Thank you very much.
121
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:31,284
Do you have a maid
with a large curly head around?
122
00:08:31,462 --> 00:08:33,419
Sorry, no maid.
123
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:39,500
Now, children, if you aren't quiet,
you can't stay in here.
124
00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:41,256
No roughhousing, Stephen.
125
00:08:41,430 --> 00:08:43,506
Don't touch things
that don't belong to you.
126
00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:47,016
- Put that back wherever you found it.
- That's perfectly all right.
127
00:08:47,186 --> 00:08:50,555
Why don't you sit in the living room
and make yourselves comfortable...
128
00:08:50,773 --> 00:08:54,605
- while I put the cake in the kitchen.
- Why don't we all go into the kitchen?
129
00:08:54,777 --> 00:08:57,149
- We wouldn't mind at all.
- Of course not.
130
00:08:57,321 --> 00:08:59,942
After all, we're really not company...
131
00:09:00,115 --> 00:09:04,658
and your nice things will probably
have to last you for a long, long time.
132
00:09:12,336 --> 00:09:15,005
Boys, all right, get up.
Now don't get into mischief.
133
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,461
Oh, that's love...
134
00:09:27,851 --> 00:09:31,849
- Would you like some cake and coffee?
- We'd love some. Where are the cups?
135
00:09:32,063 --> 00:09:33,723
Cups?
136
00:09:35,317 --> 00:09:37,356
Not your good cups, of course.
137
00:09:39,029 --> 00:09:41,270
Right over there in the cupboard.
138
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:51,414
That's bone china.
139
00:09:51,624 --> 00:09:53,664
We haven't unpacked
the good stuff yet.
140
00:09:56,671 --> 00:10:00,503
- I can't seem to find the silverware.
- Silver?
141
00:10:00,675 --> 00:10:03,248
Well, it's right there in the drawer
to your left.
142
00:10:03,428 --> 00:10:06,179
- I thought I looked there.
- Well, look again.
143
00:10:11,602 --> 00:10:14,176
Napkins, ladies?
144
00:10:24,198 --> 00:10:26,950
- Hi there, lady.
- How do you do?
145
00:10:27,118 --> 00:10:29,324
I'm Black Bob,
the fastest gun in the West.
146
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:32,828
- I'm an Indian. He's a horse.
- Who are you?
147
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,665
I'm a witch.
148
00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:37,829
- Okay.
- You a good witch or a bad witch?
149
00:10:40,631 --> 00:10:42,920
Here come the bad guys.
150
00:10:43,092 --> 00:10:45,547
Little boy, here now.
151
00:10:45,761 --> 00:10:48,252
Little boy, here now.
152
00:10:53,101 --> 00:10:55,937
Of course, we don't want a freeway
coming through this area.
153
00:10:56,104 --> 00:10:59,271
Then on Monday, you're going with us
to picket the construction.
154
00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:00,639
I will?
155
00:11:00,817 --> 00:11:03,106
Do you have a gardener
that works in pyjamas?
156
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:04,695
What?
157
00:11:04,905 --> 00:11:06,732
We're forming teams
of two girls each.
158
00:11:06,907 --> 00:11:10,240
Shirley and I are leading picketing
teams, and Gladys will stand by...
159
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:13,821
in case someone has to sit down
in front of the cement mixer.
160
00:11:14,289 --> 00:11:17,456
- Me? Why me?
- We voted.
161
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:21,085
- Nobody told me.
- It was a secret ballot.
162
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:25,583
Then, of course, you'll help us
with the refreshments and...
163
00:11:26,885 --> 00:11:30,669
- The boys are awfully quiet.
- Yes, isn't that nice?
164
00:11:30,847 --> 00:11:33,172
Boys are always dangerous
when they're quiet.
165
00:11:33,349 --> 00:11:36,303
- Let's check into this.
- Yes. Yes, of course.
166
00:11:36,686 --> 00:11:38,097
Nobody asks me.
167
00:11:38,313 --> 00:11:42,690
They just say, "Gladys, go sit down
in front of a cement mixer."
168
00:11:47,321 --> 00:11:50,026
What are you boys up to?
169
00:11:50,491 --> 00:11:52,650
There was a witch in here,
and she tied us up.
170
00:11:52,827 --> 00:11:55,662
- Yeah.
- Oh, that'll be enough of that.
171
00:11:56,247 --> 00:11:59,367
I think we better take them home.
They're getting pretty tired.
172
00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:05,040
- Oh, I understand.
- How did three of them get tied up?
173
00:12:05,381 --> 00:12:08,750
Oh, I'm so sorry.
For goodness sakes, what is this?
174
00:12:08,968 --> 00:12:11,174
- Calm down and don't get rowdy.
- Shirley.
175
00:12:11,345 --> 00:12:13,717
How do you suppose
all three of them got tied up?
176
00:12:13,889 --> 00:12:15,348
Boys will be boys.
177
00:12:15,516 --> 00:12:18,766
But if two are tied up,
who ties up the third?
178
00:12:18,978 --> 00:12:21,303
Stephen, stop pushing.
He's smaller than you are.
179
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,564
- Shirley, if you had two kids...
- Just a minute, Gladys.
180
00:12:24,733 --> 00:12:29,395
- Don't run into the street. What is it?
- Not so loud, Shirley.
181
00:12:29,571 --> 00:12:30,900
What's the matter with you?
182
00:12:31,073 --> 00:12:33,564
Don't yell, I'm just asking you
a simple question.
183
00:12:33,742 --> 00:12:38,404
- Mrs. Clyde, the boys are in the street.
- Oh, of course.
184
00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:40,787
Oh, boy, I really don't know
about this.
185
00:12:43,293 --> 00:12:45,167
Stephen, I told you not to run.
186
00:12:45,337 --> 00:12:48,753
If he gets perspired he gets the flu.
I better take him home.
187
00:12:48,924 --> 00:12:50,833
Please come back again
another time.
188
00:13:09,652 --> 00:13:12,653
Abner, you won't believe it
when I tell you what just happened.
189
00:13:12,822 --> 00:13:17,069
It's Gladys. If you don't think this is
a crazy house, well, listen to this:
190
00:13:17,243 --> 00:13:20,612
Three kids just got tied up in
the bedroom. Do you hear me, three!
191
00:13:20,788 --> 00:13:24,572
So what? I'll tell you so what.
192
00:13:24,751 --> 00:13:28,416
How did all three of them
get tied up, Abner? Tell me that.
193
00:13:28,588 --> 00:13:30,876
You don't understand.
194
00:13:31,048 --> 00:13:34,714
Two kids are tied up in the bedroom
and one kid isn't tied up.
195
00:13:34,886 --> 00:13:38,219
That's normal,
but not three kids tied up.
196
00:13:38,389 --> 00:13:41,094
Never mind, Abner. Never mind.
197
00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:44,802
I should know better
than to talk to you, never mind.
198
00:13:52,319 --> 00:13:55,071
- Mrs. Stephens?
- Mrs. Stephens is in the living room.
199
00:13:55,322 --> 00:13:57,231
Well, I'm here to connect
the telephones.
200
00:13:57,408 --> 00:14:00,574
- Well, go right ahead.
- Thank you.
201
00:14:00,786 --> 00:14:02,826
It was very nice meeting you,
Mrs. Foster.
202
00:14:03,038 --> 00:14:08,377
Thank you, Mrs. Stephens. Maybe next
week, I'll take you to our decorator.
203
00:14:08,544 --> 00:14:12,672
- He can do wonders for you.
- Thank you, that's very kind.
204
00:14:12,881 --> 00:14:14,210
Robert!
205
00:14:14,383 --> 00:14:17,300
Thanks for everything, Mrs. Stephens.
I had a wonderful time.
206
00:14:17,469 --> 00:14:20,174
- Oh, please come back again soon.
- Oh, sure, sure.
207
00:14:20,347 --> 00:14:23,965
Oh, by the way, I let in the phone
repairman to hook up your telephones.
208
00:14:24,142 --> 00:14:26,218
Thank you.
209
00:14:28,230 --> 00:14:31,433
To hook up your telephones?!
210
00:14:31,942 --> 00:14:34,018
The phone was not connected.
211
00:14:34,194 --> 00:14:37,361
May I never get off this couch again
if the phone was connected.
212
00:14:37,531 --> 00:14:40,484
Gladys, don't get excited,
you'll melt the cubes too fast.
213
00:14:40,659 --> 00:14:42,236
You think I'm cuckoo, don't you?
214
00:14:42,452 --> 00:14:45,868
Gladys, you called me about two kids
who were tied up in a bedroom.
215
00:14:46,039 --> 00:14:50,617
- Three kids. Three kids were tied up.
- Don't yell, Gladys.
216
00:14:50,794 --> 00:14:54,625
If two kids were tied up, I wouldn't have
had to call you, don't you understand?
217
00:14:54,797 --> 00:14:56,078
Sure, Gladys.
218
00:14:56,257 --> 00:14:58,962
Then you believe me that the phone
was not connected?
219
00:14:59,135 --> 00:15:01,708
- Want me to call the doctor?
- It wouldn't do any good.
220
00:15:01,888 --> 00:15:05,257
- Why not?
- He doesn't believe me either.
221
00:15:10,396 --> 00:15:15,058
I told you, Samantha, that you wouldn't
like being part of the animal world.
222
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:17,606
They're not animals, Mother.
They're human beings.
223
00:15:17,778 --> 00:15:21,313
Yes, of course. Granted,
the most intelligent of animals.
224
00:15:21,532 --> 00:15:25,779
And as Diogenes said,
also the silliest.
225
00:15:25,995 --> 00:15:27,987
Or was it Diogenes?
226
00:15:28,956 --> 00:15:33,120
It was one of those young good-looking
Greeks who talked an awful lot.
227
00:15:33,335 --> 00:15:35,826
Mother, you must believe
that Darrin isn't like that.
228
00:15:36,380 --> 00:15:38,586
- Like what?
- The average human.
229
00:15:38,757 --> 00:15:41,711
He's not covetous or envious
or inconsiderate.
230
00:15:41,927 --> 00:15:45,841
Are you trying to convince me
or yourself?
231
00:15:46,432 --> 00:15:49,847
I think it's time the two of you
met face to face.
232
00:15:50,644 --> 00:15:52,352
Oh, really?
233
00:15:52,563 --> 00:15:54,555
Would you have dinner
with us tonight?
234
00:15:54,773 --> 00:15:56,730
Well, I don't know.
235
00:15:58,318 --> 00:15:59,943
Still...
236
00:16:00,153 --> 00:16:01,648
it might be fun at that.
237
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,482
You wouldn't do anything startling,
would you?
238
00:16:05,951 --> 00:16:07,778
Why?
239
00:16:07,953 --> 00:16:10,657
Does what's-his-name
have a weak heart?
240
00:16:10,831 --> 00:16:14,164
His name is Darrin, Mother.
D-A-R-R-l-N.
241
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:18,284
And he's in perfectly good health.
And I want him to like my mother.
242
00:16:18,505 --> 00:16:20,996
What sort of mother
do you think he'd prefer?
243
00:16:21,216 --> 00:16:22,924
Lavender and old lace?
244
00:16:26,971 --> 00:16:29,723
Pioneer stock, perhaps?
245
00:16:30,892 --> 00:16:32,931
Old World?
246
00:16:33,895 --> 00:16:35,804
New World?
247
00:16:39,984 --> 00:16:41,526
What would you prefer?
248
00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:47,823
Very funny, very funny.
But I'd prefer you on time. Oh, my ham.
249
00:16:48,326 --> 00:16:50,402
Now, Mother, please say you'll come.
250
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:53,324
Well, I suppose I might as well
get it over with.
251
00:16:53,998 --> 00:16:56,489
Yes, I'll come.
252
00:16:56,834 --> 00:17:00,962
And I prefer the natural you.
And so will Darrin.
253
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,589
I wonder.
254
00:17:10,431 --> 00:17:13,681
- You are very pretty.
- That's not quite the right expression.
255
00:17:13,851 --> 00:17:16,556
You are very pretty.
I'm very handsome.
256
00:17:16,729 --> 00:17:18,520
What time did your mother say
she'd be here?
257
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:22,521
- Any time now. Can I make you a drink?
- Definitely.
258
00:17:23,068 --> 00:17:25,820
Having a plain mother-in-law
is a new experience to me...
259
00:17:25,988 --> 00:17:28,111
but having a mother-in-law
who's a...
260
00:17:28,323 --> 00:17:33,614
- I mean, do you resemble her?
- No, I look like my father.
261
00:17:36,915 --> 00:17:38,457
What does your mother look like?
262
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:42,451
Well, she's 5'6"
and weighs about 118 pounds.
263
00:17:42,671 --> 00:17:45,458
- Well, sounds normal.
- What do you mean?
264
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:50,927
Well, I mean, it looks...
It sounds like she looks normal.
265
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:53,807
- What do you expect her to look like?
- How would I know?
266
00:17:53,974 --> 00:17:56,678
- Well, you know what I look like.
- Well, that's no proof.
267
00:17:56,893 --> 00:18:01,057
- Proof of what?
- Proof that she doesn't have...
268
00:18:02,941 --> 00:18:04,601
Well, a...
269
00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:12,857
Well, what sort of eyes
does she have?
270
00:18:13,785 --> 00:18:16,951
They're blue. All five of them.
271
00:18:18,248 --> 00:18:19,279
You're kidding.
272
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:23,627
Why do humans care more about what
people look like than what they are?
273
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,628
It's not that at all, Sam.
274
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,412
What difference does it make
what my mother looks like?
275
00:18:28,633 --> 00:18:31,124
- I'm merely trying to prepare myself.
- For what?
276
00:18:31,302 --> 00:18:34,636
I don't know if like the idea of
a mother-in-law with five blue eyes.
277
00:18:34,805 --> 00:18:36,348
Oh, don't be idiotic.
278
00:18:36,557 --> 00:18:40,507
Oh, idiotic am I?
Well, let me tell you something, Sam...
279
00:18:40,978 --> 00:18:42,852
She's here.
280
00:18:43,314 --> 00:18:47,062
- Well, she didn't fly down the chimney.
- If you're going to be insulting...
281
00:18:47,276 --> 00:18:50,194
I'm sorry, Sam, I...
282
00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:53,946
I didn't mean to say that,
it's just that...
283
00:18:55,451 --> 00:18:59,401
- well, I'm nervous.
- Will you answer the door or shall I?
284
00:18:59,830 --> 00:19:01,906
I'll answer it.
285
00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:06,828
Ask her to leave her broom outside.
286
00:19:14,928 --> 00:19:16,257
Good evening.
287
00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:19,347
Good evening.
288
00:19:21,143 --> 00:19:22,471
Won't you come in?
289
00:19:23,645 --> 00:19:25,104
Samantha.
290
00:19:28,650 --> 00:19:33,727
- This must be what's-his-name.
- Mother, this is my husband. This is...
291
00:19:37,951 --> 00:19:39,825
Darrin.
292
00:19:40,036 --> 00:19:42,658
We were having a drink.
Would you care for a cocktail?
293
00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:44,622
Thank you, Mr. Stephens.
294
00:19:45,208 --> 00:19:48,494
Well, I'd like it much better
if you'd call me by my first name.
295
00:19:48,670 --> 00:19:51,505
- Very well, Dennis.
- Darrin, Mother.
296
00:19:52,632 --> 00:19:56,546
Oh, of course.
I'd like a very dry martini.
297
00:19:56,719 --> 00:19:59,471
Italian vermouth, Spanish gin
and a Greek olive.
298
00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:04,968
- Well, I don't think we have any...
- Oh, don't bother. I'll fix it myself.
299
00:20:10,691 --> 00:20:14,440
It's marvellous. Marvellous.
300
00:20:14,654 --> 00:20:17,608
Now, young man, suppose
you tell me all about yourself.
301
00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:22,574
What you do and why do you do it.
Et cetera, et cetera.
302
00:20:22,912 --> 00:20:25,284
Well, I'm in the advertising business.
303
00:20:25,498 --> 00:20:27,989
I'm with a firm called McMann & Tate.
304
00:20:28,209 --> 00:20:32,917
Really, isn't that interesting.
Pardon me, do you have a cigarette?
305
00:20:33,547 --> 00:20:35,421
Yes, of course.
306
00:20:38,677 --> 00:20:40,255
Thank you. You were saying?
307
00:20:41,305 --> 00:20:44,425
Our firm handles
some rather large accounts.
308
00:20:44,642 --> 00:20:47,346
Thank you, I have a light.
309
00:20:49,980 --> 00:20:54,274
Darrin's firm is one of the largest
advertising agencies in the world...
310
00:20:54,443 --> 00:20:56,685
and Darrin's one
of its top executives.
311
00:20:56,904 --> 00:21:01,197
That sounds very exciting.
Samantha, may I have that ashtray?
312
00:21:01,408 --> 00:21:02,986
Oh, yes, certainly.
313
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:07,407
And Darrin is responsible for all of the
creative designs for their campaigns.
314
00:21:07,622 --> 00:21:10,908
- What on earth did you do that for?
- Do what?
315
00:21:11,126 --> 00:21:16,120
You carried that ashtray to me. Don't
tell me you've forgotten how to levitate.
316
00:21:16,631 --> 00:21:18,671
Of course I haven't forgotten, Mother.
317
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:22,542
It's just that Darrin prefers that
I don't do any of that stuff anymore.
318
00:21:23,638 --> 00:21:27,339
Why do you object to my daughter
being herself, young man?
319
00:21:28,351 --> 00:21:30,723
I don't object, Mrs...
320
00:21:31,354 --> 00:21:34,805
You'll never be able to pronounce it.
Just call me Endora.
321
00:21:35,817 --> 00:21:37,893
I like Samantha the way
she is, Endora.
322
00:21:38,069 --> 00:21:40,192
She doesn't need any of that
other nonsense.
323
00:21:40,405 --> 00:21:42,611
- Nonsense?
- Darrin doesn't mean anything.
324
00:21:42,782 --> 00:21:43,813
Darrin, please.
325
00:21:43,992 --> 00:21:47,028
I mean, we don't need
those powers of hers.
326
00:21:47,203 --> 00:21:49,611
We can handle things
very well by ourselves.
327
00:21:49,831 --> 00:21:51,111
Oh, you think so, do you?
328
00:21:51,332 --> 00:21:54,452
I don't mean to be disrespectful,
but we wanna live normal lives.
329
00:21:54,669 --> 00:21:58,417
What is normal to you, young man,
is to us asinine.
330
00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:01,876
Samantha is what she is,
and that you cannot change.
331
00:22:02,051 --> 00:22:04,257
Mother, I made the decision myself.
332
00:22:04,762 --> 00:22:08,594
Yes, I know. A decision
I do not approve.
333
00:22:10,518 --> 00:22:13,768
Samantha and I can handle
our problems by ourselves.
334
00:22:13,938 --> 00:22:17,472
- They're nobody else's business.
- Darrin, please.
335
00:22:20,361 --> 00:22:23,362
- Are you threatening me?
- Not exactly.
336
00:22:23,530 --> 00:22:25,772
Darrin, please understand.
Mother means well.
337
00:22:25,991 --> 00:22:30,155
Don't you worry, baby, your mother will
see to it that you're treated properly.
338
00:22:30,370 --> 00:22:34,415
I have every intention of treating her
properly without interference from you.
339
00:22:34,625 --> 00:22:36,617
- Young man!
- Mother, don't.
340
00:22:37,544 --> 00:22:39,620
Very well.
341
00:22:40,422 --> 00:22:45,417
Just consider yourself lucky that you
are not at this moment an artichoke.
342
00:22:47,012 --> 00:22:51,389
So from now on, watch your step,
young man.
343
00:22:51,641 --> 00:22:54,346
Mother is watching you.
344
00:23:00,150 --> 00:23:03,815
She's really very nice
when you get to know her.
345
00:23:04,904 --> 00:23:09,317
- Abner!
- Gladys, what are you doing?
346
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,651
She went away in a puff of smoke,
I saw her.
347
00:23:12,829 --> 00:23:16,079
One minute she was there.
The next minute she was gone.
348
00:23:16,249 --> 00:23:19,416
What's the matter with you? Suddenly
I'm married to a Peeping Tom.
349
00:23:19,627 --> 00:23:22,996
Spying, sticking your nose in
everybody's business. Go back to bed!
350
00:23:23,172 --> 00:23:26,755
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Go ahead, say anything you want.
351
00:23:26,926 --> 00:23:31,469
Insult me, call me cuckoo,
kill me, I don't mind.
352
00:23:31,639 --> 00:23:36,218
And you know why, sweetheart,
because I know this is all a dream.
353
00:23:49,824 --> 00:23:54,236
Oh sure, sure, I suppose I look
like some sort of a freak to you...
354
00:23:54,411 --> 00:23:57,199
because I wanna live what is to me
a normal existence.
355
00:23:57,373 --> 00:24:00,955
Darrin, I didn't say that.
I understand how you feel.
356
00:24:01,126 --> 00:24:03,997
Whatever it is you want,
that's what I want too.
357
00:24:04,213 --> 00:24:06,964
- Are you absolutely sure, Sam?
- Yes.
358
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:11,714
- What about your mother?
- She'll get used to the idea.
359
00:24:11,929 --> 00:24:14,254
Anyway, you married me,
not my mother.
360
00:24:16,016 --> 00:24:20,144
Say, could she...? I mean,
really turn me into an artichoke?
361
00:24:20,354 --> 00:24:22,560
If she wanted to.
362
00:24:22,814 --> 00:24:27,144
That's creepy. What could you do?
I mean, if she did?
363
00:24:27,319 --> 00:24:30,902
- Nothing. Except...
- Except what?
364
00:24:31,573 --> 00:24:33,862
I could become an artichoke too.
31178
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