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JOE EHRMANN:
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My earliest memory
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was my father bringing me down
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to my mother's basement,
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putting up his hands
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and teaching me how to throw
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jabs and punches.
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It was there that he gave me
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those three words: "Be a man."
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"Stop with the tears,
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stop with the emotions.
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If you're going to be a man
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in this world,
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you better learn
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how to dominate
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and control people
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and circumstances."
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That was a source
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of tremendous shame.
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I left that room with tears
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coming down my eyes,
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just feeling that
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I wasn't quite man enough.
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Football became
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a tremendous place to hide.
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You can hide
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inside that helmet,
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you can hide
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behind the roar of the crowd,
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you get to project this facade,
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this persona,
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the epitome of what it means
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to be a man in this culture.
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I thought if I could manifest
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this hyper-masculinity,
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somehow that would validate
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who and what I was.
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Certainly my father
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would respect that,
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see how powerful,
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how strong, how tough I was,
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then give me
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the love and attention
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that I desperately wanted.
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I'd ask every man
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to think about
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what age they were,
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what was the context
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when somebody
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told you to be a man.
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That's one of the most
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destructive phrases
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in this culture, I believe.
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- Stop crying.
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- Don't cry.
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- Stop with the emotions.
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- Pick yourself up.
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- Don't be a chump.
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- Don't be a pussy.
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- Don't let nobody
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disrespect you.
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- Be cool,
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and be kind of a dick.
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- Always keep your mouth shut.
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- Nobody likes a tattletale.
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- What a fag.
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- You little bitch.
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- Don't let your woman
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run your life.
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- Bros come before ho's.
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- Get laid.
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- Be a man.
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- Be a man.
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- Grow some balls.
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- Man up.
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- Man up.
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- Man up.
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- Man up!!!
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- Grow some fuckin' balls!
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- Act like a man.
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- Be a man.
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- Be a man!
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NEWSCASTER: Yet again,
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another teen
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has taken his own life
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after being bullied for years.
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The details of the gang rape
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that took place
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outside a high school
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homecoming dance
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are horrifying.
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Three teens
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confessed to shooting
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an Australian man for, quote,
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"the fun of it".
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13 people were charged
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in the beating death
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of a Florida A&M drum major,
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a result of a banned
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initiation ritual.
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The student was found dead,
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alcohol five times
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the legal limit in his system.
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He killed his girlfriend
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and then shot himself.
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Over 20 little children dead,
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he also shot his mother.
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The shooting was
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apparently pre-meditated.
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One gunman,
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and he is among the dead.
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OFFICER: ( on radio )
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3-15 and 3-14 for a shooting
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at Century Theaters.
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Somebody is shooting
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in the auditorium.
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( siren wails )
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If you really knew me,
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you would know I feel
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like an outsider at school.
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When I'm having a bad day
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sometimes it's hard to talk
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to somebody about it.
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If you really knew me, you
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would know that when I'm sad,
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I really don't say
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anything about it.
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I used to hide emotions.
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Like, when I'm sad
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I wouldn't tell anybody.
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And when I'm mad
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I wouldn't tell.
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For a long time
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I didn't have any friends,
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so I didn't have
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anyone to talk to.
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We don't really
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talk about feelings
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or nothing in our house.
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If you really knew me,
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you'd know
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that sometimes
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I feel like I can't be myself.
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If you really knew me,
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you would know
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that I don't really know my dad.
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If you really knew me,
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you would know that my dad,
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he in jail,
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and I don't think I've ever
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seen him out of jail.
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Around fifth grade,
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my mother passed away.
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Most people don't know
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that about me.
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If you really knew me,
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you would know that my mom
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and dad fought over me.
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My parents went
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through a little phase
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where they told us they were
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going to get a divorce.
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I just needed someone
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to talk to about it.
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My mom didn't have
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no good boyfriends.
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We were abused.
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I felt like
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just giving up on life.
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I got bullied
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in sixth grade.
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I felt like an outcast.
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I felt alone for--
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for a long time.
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KIMMEL: If you walk onto
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any playground in America
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where there's a bunch of boys
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happily playing,
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you can start a fight
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by asking one question:
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"Who's a sissy around here?"
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And two boys will go,
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"I don't know.
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He is, he is, he is,"
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and they can have a fight.
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Or all the boys will go,
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"He is, he is."
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And that boy will either
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have to fight them
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or run home crying.
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That idea of being
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seen as weak,
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as a sissy
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in the eyes of other guys,
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starts in our earliest
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moments of boyhood.
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And it follows us
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all the way through our lives.
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Proving to other guys
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that we're not girls,
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that we're not women,
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that we're not gay.
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We've constructed
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an idea of masculinity
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in the United States
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that doesn't give young boys
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a way to feel secure
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in their masculinity,
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so we make them
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go prove it all the time.
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If I can man up,
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why step down from that?
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You feel me?
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Masculinity is not organic,
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it's reactive.
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It's not something
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that just develops.
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It's a rejection of everything
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that is feminine.
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Sometimes my friends
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act like they're tough,
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when I feel like
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they're not.
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From the beginning,
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we're taught as boys
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to lock down our emotions.
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We can't talk about
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being afraid,
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we can't talk about
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being hurt.
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We could talk about
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being pissed off,
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we could talk about
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being angry.
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We can't talk about
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being sad.
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If you never cry,
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then you have all these feelings
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stuffed up inside of you.
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And then you can't
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get them out.
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We put them on that trajectory,
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through our popular culture,
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through our parenting styles,
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through our educational styles
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and through assumptions
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about natural manhood
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and maleness
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that we pass along,
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that are incredibly
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insulting and damaging.
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And then there's
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a whole social system
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that polices them
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through this low level of threat
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from other men
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if they're not man enough.
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Today we're gonna get into
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how we learned
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masculinity as children,
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where we learned it from,
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who taught it to us.
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I'm just going to ask
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some of you guys to shout out
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the ideas that you had
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on it from your childhood.
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In my household,
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we don't cry.
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Showing emotion is like
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you're weak.
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If you're hurt,
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just hold it in.
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No tattletaling.
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Fight back.
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You know, everything
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was surrounded around money.
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Money, money, money,
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money, money.
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Be the best,
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go for the triple
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instead of the double.
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It was okay
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to be a womanizer.
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A man has to be dominant
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and in charge and has control.
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You know, a man does
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everything to the extreme.
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Never back down
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from anything.
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A man uses violence
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to solve problems.
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The first lie every boy
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learns in America is
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we associate masculinity
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with athletic ability.
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Size, strength,
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or some kind of skill-set.
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I've always felt the pressure
299
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:46,500
of you need to be buff,
300
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,208
you need to be masculine,
301
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,208
you have to have a six pack.
302
00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:51,208
JOE: Those boys that can catch
303
00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:51,208
a down-and-out,
304
00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:54,083
or hit the hanging curve,
305
00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:54,083
they're elevated.
306
00:07:54,083 --> 00:07:55,750
JASON: I want to play football,
307
00:07:54,083 --> 00:07:55,750
basketball,
308
00:07:55,750 --> 00:07:57,208
one of the sports,
309
00:07:57,208 --> 00:08:00,083
have fun doing it,
310
00:07:57,208 --> 00:08:00,083
make some money.
311
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,417
Like one of them
312
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,417
TV-type lives.
313
00:08:02,417 --> 00:08:04,458
They're set up
314
00:08:02,417 --> 00:08:04,458
for a tremendous failure
315
00:08:04,458 --> 00:08:05,667
and frustration in life,
316
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:07,083
because being a man
317
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:07,083
doesn't have
318
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:09,917
a single thing to do
319
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:09,917
with athletic ability.
320
00:08:09,917 --> 00:08:13,125
You think about
321
00:08:09,917 --> 00:08:13,125
all the other boys
322
00:08:09,917 --> 00:08:13,125
on that playground,
323
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:15,208
they don't just
324
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:15,208
want to play sports.
325
00:08:15,208 --> 00:08:19,542
They want to do computers
326
00:08:15,208 --> 00:08:19,542
or music or drama or debate.
327
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:25,750
This past month,
328
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:25,750
I took part in my first
329
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:25,750
theater production.
330
00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:29,458
And now I'm looking back,
331
00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:29,458
I wish I had taken part in that
332
00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:29,458
throughout high school.
333
00:08:29,458 --> 00:08:33,000
I don't know, I guess I didn't
334
00:08:29,458 --> 00:08:33,000
because it was something taboo.
335
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,291
You just weren't
336
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,291
supposed to do it.
337
00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,291
Second lie every boy
338
00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,291
learns is that
339
00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:40,375
we associate masculinity
340
00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:40,375
with economic success.
341
00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:42,667
MAN:
342
00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:42,667
My name is Jordan Belfort.
343
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:46,125
The year I turned 26
344
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:46,125
I made 49 million dollars.
345
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,792
Which really pissed me off
346
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,792
because it was three shy
347
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,792
of a million a week.
348
00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,291
JOE: You know,
349
00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,291
it's been said that
350
00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:53,667
comparison is the thief
351
00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:53,667
of all happiness.
352
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,959
So if you're building
353
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,959
your sense of masculinity
354
00:08:56,959 --> 00:08:59,667
based on power or possessions,
355
00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:02,875
there's always going to be
356
00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:02,875
someone that has more.
357
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:07,166
That leads to an
358
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:07,166
incredibly empty life
359
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:07,166
of striving for things
360
00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:10,125
at the expense of
361
00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:10,125
what's really important in life.
362
00:09:10,125 --> 00:09:12,834
I've had 8-year-old kids
363
00:09:10,125 --> 00:09:12,834
sit on my couch,
364
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,417
8-year-old boys,
365
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,417
and I'll say,
366
00:09:14,417 --> 00:09:16,041
"So what do you want to be
367
00:09:14,417 --> 00:09:16,041
when you grow up?"
368
00:09:16,041 --> 00:09:20,166
And they'll say,
369
00:09:16,041 --> 00:09:20,166
"A venture capitalist."
370
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:21,500
There are so many
371
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:21,500
things wrong with that
372
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,417
that I hardly know
373
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,417
where to start.
374
00:09:23,417 --> 00:09:28,166
The extent to which he comes in
375
00:09:23,417 --> 00:09:28,166
and has already been programmed,
376
00:09:28,166 --> 00:09:32,291
he is going to have very
377
00:09:28,166 --> 00:09:32,291
limited options in his life,
378
00:09:32,291 --> 00:09:35,583
and they will never feel
379
00:09:32,291 --> 00:09:35,583
authentically like his own.
380
00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:39,125
Then the third criteria
381
00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:39,125
is that as a culture
382
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:42,542
we associate sexual conquest
383
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:42,542
with masculinity.
384
00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:45,583
Zeke the freak!
385
00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:45,583
This man is a legend
386
00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:45,583
with the ladies!
387
00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:47,041
I can only imagine.
388
00:09:47,041 --> 00:09:48,375
I found the top five
389
00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,458
hottest girlfriends
390
00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,458
of Derek Jeter.
391
00:09:50,458 --> 00:09:53,375
Men everywhere,
392
00:09:50,458 --> 00:09:53,375
we all salute you.
393
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:57,500
Associating that with
394
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:57,500
masculinity is so dehumanizing.
395
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,041
You tapped that ass,
396
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,041
didn't you?
397
00:10:00,542 --> 00:10:01,875
Tell the truth.
398
00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,375
You know you tapped
399
00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,375
that ass.
400
00:10:03,375 --> 00:10:05,875
You put her in the backseat.
401
00:10:03,375 --> 00:10:05,875
Bam! Code-X.
402
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:07,500
Look, man, I got a wife.
403
00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,875
You got a dick.
404
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,583
You do have a dick,
405
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,583
don't you?
406
00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:14,375
Those words are designed
407
00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:14,375
to keep boys silent,
408
00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,583
to keep them
409
00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,583
conforming to the construct.
410
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:30,583
My grandfather is very much
411
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:30,583
that alpha male type.
412
00:10:30,583 --> 00:10:33,959
He's a former military
413
00:10:30,583 --> 00:10:33,959
drill sergeant.
414
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,583
Good ol' boy
415
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,583
from the South.
416
00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,250
He was able to go out
417
00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,250
into the world
418
00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:39,625
and sort of pull himself up
419
00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:39,625
by his bootstraps
420
00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:42,625
and very much fulfill the
421
00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:42,625
American dream in that regard.
422
00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:45,583
Granted, he was a white male
423
00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:45,583
in a particular time,
424
00:10:45,583 --> 00:10:48,458
which gave him
425
00:10:45,583 --> 00:10:48,458
access to that success,
426
00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:52,000
even if he was poor
427
00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:52,000
to begin with.
428
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,750
I grew up with
429
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,750
my grandfather's voice,
430
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:58,250
hearing "You need to be
431
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:58,250
bigger, stronger, faster."
432
00:10:58,250 --> 00:11:00,625
So I was always
433
00:10:58,250 --> 00:11:00,625
having to prove myself.
434
00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:03,792
And never succeeding.
435
00:11:03,792 --> 00:11:06,291
It made me very insecure,
436
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,291
and not feeling like
437
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,291
I was good enough.
438
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:12,083
When I was a kid
439
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:12,083
I had long blonde hair,
440
00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:14,166
I had a very high voice.
441
00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:15,750
I wasn't a cool kid.
442
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:18,375
I was this awkward little kid.
443
00:11:18,375 --> 00:11:21,709
I sang in choir,
444
00:11:18,375 --> 00:11:21,709
I played clarinet in the band,
445
00:11:21,709 --> 00:11:24,625
but I also played baseball
446
00:11:21,709 --> 00:11:24,625
and football and basketball,
447
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:26,500
and got to do
448
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:26,500
all of those different things
449
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,959
and express myself
450
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,959
in all sorts of different ways.
451
00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:30,625
Things changed
452
00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:30,625
around middle school.
453
00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:33,709
I started to get bullied
454
00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:33,709
and made fun of
455
00:11:33,709 --> 00:11:37,000
and get called a fag
456
00:11:33,709 --> 00:11:37,000
or a pussy or a sissy or a wuss.
457
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,917
And that's when the social
458
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,917
pressures really kicked in.
459
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:42,875
I cut my long hair off,
460
00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:45,667
changed the way I dressed,
461
00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:45,667
I dropped my voice.
462
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,500
I don't even know
463
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,500
when my voice naturally broke,
464
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,417
I have no idea,
465
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,417
because I forced it low.
466
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,959
I played more sports
467
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,959
and joined all the teams.
468
00:11:52,959 --> 00:11:54,542
I dated the head cheerleader
469
00:11:54,542 --> 00:11:56,041
and distanced myself
470
00:11:54,542 --> 00:11:56,041
from people
471
00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:58,375
who were less masculine
472
00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:58,375
than me.
473
00:11:58,375 --> 00:12:01,834
I had a friend who
474
00:11:58,375 --> 00:12:01,834
didn't play sports.
475
00:12:01,834 --> 00:12:04,125
He was kind of effeminate.
476
00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:07,583
He was being picked on
477
00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:07,583
even more than I was.
478
00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:11,417
And instead of me
479
00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:11,417
sort of staying by his side
480
00:12:11,417 --> 00:12:16,041
and being his friend,
481
00:12:11,417 --> 00:12:16,041
I remember to some degree,
482
00:12:16,041 --> 00:12:18,500
making the decision
483
00:12:16,041 --> 00:12:18,500
to just push myself
484
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,750
not to be friends
485
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,750
with him anymore,
486
00:12:19,750 --> 00:12:22,250
to not go to his house, to--
487
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,208
And I remember him asking me
488
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,208
why I did that.
489
00:12:24,208 --> 00:12:25,875
And I couldn't tell him.
490
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:28,166
I didn't know
491
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:28,166
what to tell him at the time.
492
00:12:29,542 --> 00:12:31,375
School was a training ground
493
00:12:29,542 --> 00:12:31,375
for me to learn
494
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:33,583
how to perform masculinity,
495
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,750
to perform to be
496
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,750
one of the guys.
497
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:44,875
DR: ELIOT: Throughout most of
498
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:44,875
history,
499
00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:46,917
there's been this belief that
500
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:49,625
men and women are fundamentally
501
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:49,625
different creatures,
502
00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:51,750
and it probably begins
503
00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:51,750
with the Bible.
504
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:54,375
Sex is a biological term.
505
00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:56,500
It refers to which chromosomes
506
00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:56,500
you have.
507
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,667
Two X is female,
508
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,667
X and Y is male.
509
00:12:59,667 --> 00:13:02,667
Gender is a social construct.
510
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:06,625
These are expressions
511
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:06,625
of masculinity or femininity,
512
00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:09,125
and both of these are spectrums
513
00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:09,125
and they overlap.
514
00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:12,250
Boys and girls
515
00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:12,250
are far more human
516
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,750
and far more the same
517
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,750
than they are different.
518
00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:19,458
If you gave 50,000
519
00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:19,458
psychological tests to girls,
520
00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:22,000
it would fall out
521
00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:22,000
on a bell shaped curve.
522
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,917
If you gave the same 50,000
523
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,917
psychological tests to boys
524
00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:28,583
it would fall out
525
00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:28,583
on a boy bell shaped curve.
526
00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:32,000
If you superimpose them,
527
00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:32,000
they'd be 90% overlapping.
528
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,250
You've got the shoulders
529
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,250
that stick out on either side,
530
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,500
and those are very
531
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,500
often the traits
532
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,083
that feed
533
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,083
into our stereotypes.
534
00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:41,083
People make the assumption
535
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,917
that because
536
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,917
the brain is biological,
537
00:13:43,917 --> 00:13:46,458
that any sex difference
538
00:13:43,917 --> 00:13:46,458
in the brain
539
00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:48,125
must be hard-wired.
540
00:13:48,125 --> 00:13:49,834
But the brain is plastic.
541
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:52,000
The brain changes
542
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:52,000
as a result of experience.
543
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,875
You go through a process called
544
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,875
proliferation and pruning
545
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,834
which is that
546
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,834
you make a whole bunch
547
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,834
of brain connections,
548
00:13:57,834 --> 00:14:00,125
and the ones that you use
549
00:13:57,834 --> 00:14:00,125
are strengthened,
550
00:14:00,125 --> 00:14:02,792
and the ones
551
00:14:00,125 --> 00:14:02,792
that you don't use die back.
552
00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,417
Whether it's empathy
553
00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,417
or aggression
554
00:14:05,417 --> 00:14:08,709
or spatial ability
555
00:14:05,417 --> 00:14:08,709
or verbal ability,
556
00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:10,917
things that a child
557
00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:10,917
spends their time on,
558
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:12,792
that's what they're
559
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:12,792
going to be good at.
560
00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:16,458
Parents from
561
00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:16,458
even before a child is born
562
00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:17,917
start thinking about
563
00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:17,917
the child differently.
564
00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:19,959
They decorate
565
00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:19,959
the room differently,
566
00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:21,291
they buy different clothes.
567
00:14:21,291 --> 00:14:22,917
So this notion that there is
568
00:14:22,917 --> 00:14:24,709
such a thing
569
00:14:22,917 --> 00:14:24,709
as gender neutral rearing
570
00:14:24,709 --> 00:14:26,542
or that parents
571
00:14:24,709 --> 00:14:26,542
are not responsible
572
00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:28,500
for gender differences
573
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,542
is a
574
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,542
psychological impossibility.
575
00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:33,875
HELDMAN: We are becoming
576
00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:33,875
much more bifurcated
577
00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:36,875
in terms of hyper-masculinity
578
00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:36,875
and hyper-femininity.
579
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:39,041
Girls products
580
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:39,041
have become much pinker
581
00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:41,417
and boys products have
582
00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:41,417
become much more camo
583
00:14:41,417 --> 00:14:43,208
and much more violent.
584
00:14:43,208 --> 00:14:45,000
And it's not just
585
00:14:43,208 --> 00:14:45,000
in the toys,
586
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,834
but it's also in television
587
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,834
programming and movies.
588
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:51,709
This hyper-masculinization
589
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:51,709
and hyper-feminization
590
00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:55,333
reflect a cultural tension
591
00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:55,333
and fear about the fact
592
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,333
that gender
593
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,333
is socially constructed.
594
00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:59,542
And we respond in ways
595
00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:59,542
to try to organize
596
00:14:59,542 --> 00:15:01,291
and simplify the world
597
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,875
that actually end up
598
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,875
simplifying it
599
00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:04,375
to such a great extent
600
00:15:04,375 --> 00:15:07,333
that it puts pressure
601
00:15:04,375 --> 00:15:07,333
on young men and young women
602
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:09,000
to fit into those boxes.
603
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,667
COACH: You got to go in there
604
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,667
and you got to be tough.
605
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,667
But you can't be sissying out.
606
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:14,750
By the time
607
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:14,750
a boy is 5 years old,
608
00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,542
he's pretty much taught
609
00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,542
that it's not okay
610
00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,542
to cry in public.
611
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,542
He may still do it,
612
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,542
but the expectation is
613
00:15:20,542 --> 00:15:23,458
by the time he's 10
614
00:15:20,542 --> 00:15:23,458
that he's perfected it.
615
00:15:23,458 --> 00:15:25,959
And if he's 12
616
00:15:23,458 --> 00:15:25,959
and he's still crying in public,
617
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,709
there's a problem.
618
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:28,875
Oh, my dear God,
619
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,542
are you one of those
620
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,542
single tear people?
621
00:15:31,542 --> 00:15:33,500
You are a worthless
622
00:15:31,542 --> 00:15:33,500
pansy-ass
623
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,917
who is now weeping
624
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,917
and slobbering
625
00:15:34,917 --> 00:15:36,959
like a 9-year-old girl!
626
00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:39,875
POLLACK: Boys are not
627
00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:39,875
encouraged to talk about
628
00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,542
any kind of pain
629
00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,542
with anyone else.
630
00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,375
And when they
631
00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,375
do talk about pain,
632
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,875
fathers particularly,
633
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,875
but mothers also,
634
00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:49,750
tend to focus more on
635
00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:49,750
how to solve that
636
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,625
or what they're going to do,
637
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,625
or their actions.
638
00:15:52,625 --> 00:15:55,125
Hit me, hit me,
639
00:15:52,625 --> 00:15:55,125
come on, come on.
640
00:15:55,125 --> 00:15:56,333
Come on, son.
641
00:15:55,125 --> 00:15:56,333
Come on.
642
00:15:56,333 --> 00:15:57,834
Son, left.
643
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,709
CHU: They're learning
644
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,709
how is it possible
645
00:16:01,709 --> 00:16:04,583
for them as boys
646
00:16:01,709 --> 00:16:04,583
to be in the world
647
00:16:04,583 --> 00:16:06,000
and to engage
648
00:16:04,583 --> 00:16:06,000
in their relationships
649
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,542
and to behave in ways
650
00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:09,125
that will be considered
651
00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:09,125
socially acceptable.
652
00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:12,917
And in learning
653
00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:12,917
to accommodate to those ideals,
654
00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:16,500
they're learning to conceal
655
00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:16,500
or just downplay qualities
656
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,166
that are traditionally
657
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,166
associated with girls and women.
658
00:16:19,166 --> 00:16:22,333
Mothers are told that if they
659
00:16:19,166 --> 00:16:22,333
hold a boy too closely,
660
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,458
they're hurting his development.
661
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:26,709
You're making him
662
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:26,709
a mama's boy.
663
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,542
Do you want to be
664
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,542
a flying monkey
665
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,542
mama's boy snitch?
666
00:16:29,542 --> 00:16:32,000
Or do you want to be a man?
667
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,792
POLLACK:
668
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,792
Now, being a mama's girl,
669
00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,250
or Daddy's little girl,
670
00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,250
that's wonderful.
671
00:16:36,250 --> 00:16:37,542
But a mama's boy?
672
00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:39,625
It means
673
00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:39,625
somehow he's soft.
674
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,375
Have a great day,
675
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,375
sweetie pie!
676
00:16:44,417 --> 00:16:45,667
We're concerned
677
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,959
that our child
678
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,959
is going to be ridiculed.
679
00:16:47,959 --> 00:16:51,458
We're concerned that our son
680
00:16:47,959 --> 00:16:51,458
will be the target of violence.
681
00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:53,834
And so, we give him
682
00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:53,834
what we think
683
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:55,709
he needs in order
684
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:55,709
to avoid that.
685
00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:57,750
Mario, football players
686
00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:57,750
don't cry.
687
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,500
What?
688
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,500
Football players don't cry.
689
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,834
The reason men are less
690
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,834
likely to show empathy,
691
00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:05,792
less likely to show
692
00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:05,792
vulnerability,
693
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,625
less likely to bring up children
694
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,625
in that kind of way,
695
00:17:08,625 --> 00:17:11,000
is that they've been
696
00:17:08,625 --> 00:17:11,000
socialized into this.
697
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,333
I was really very moved
698
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,333
by the fathers
699
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:17,208
who brought their little
700
00:17:17,208 --> 00:17:20,750
4-year-olds and 5-year-olds
701
00:17:17,208 --> 00:17:20,750
to school in the morning,
702
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,750
and how tender
703
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,750
these men were with their sons.
704
00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:25,667
How patient and loving
705
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,250
they were
706
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,250
with these little boys.
707
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:30,083
So I asked them,
708
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:30,083
"What do you see in your sons
709
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:33,959
that leads you to say,
710
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:33,959
'I hope he never loses that?'"
711
00:17:33,959 --> 00:17:36,709
And the fathers
712
00:17:33,959 --> 00:17:36,709
spoke about their sons'
713
00:17:36,709 --> 00:17:38,500
"out there" quality.
714
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,917
They were
715
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,917
so emotionally open,
716
00:17:40,917 --> 00:17:44,959
and their real joy
717
00:17:40,917 --> 00:17:44,959
in their friends.
718
00:17:44,959 --> 00:17:48,375
And the men felt that
719
00:17:44,959 --> 00:17:48,375
on the road to manhood,
720
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,792
they themselves
721
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,792
had lost touch
722
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,667
with these qualities
723
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,667
in themselves.
724
00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,750
And the quandary
725
00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,750
for them was,
726
00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:58,583
would they have to silence
727
00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:58,583
the very qualities
728
00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:00,542
that they most valued
729
00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:00,542
in their sons?
730
00:18:00,542 --> 00:18:04,000
It was the most
731
00:18:00,542 --> 00:18:04,000
exquisite sense of dilemma.
732
00:18:10,041 --> 00:18:11,375
Nice.
733
00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:13,000
STEVEN: My father,
734
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,291
we didn't really
735
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,291
have a great relationship.
736
00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:18,208
His night job was drinking,
737
00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:18,208
he was an alcoholic.
738
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,792
I was afraid of him.
739
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,792
He was a mean man.
740
00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:24,750
He was emotionless,
741
00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:24,750
he didn't care about much.
742
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,000
In his eyes, going to school
743
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,000
wasn't the power behind
744
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,875
what we should
745
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,875
have been doing.
746
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,834
It was get a good job,
747
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,834
get a lot of women,
748
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,709
and then you're a man.
749
00:18:34,583 --> 00:18:36,208
My mother was more
750
00:18:34,583 --> 00:18:36,208
of my striving force.
751
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:38,917
She taught me that
752
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:38,917
education was important.
753
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,250
So every year
754
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,250
on Mother's Day, of course,
755
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,667
I would send her
756
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,667
a Mother's Day card,
757
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,125
but also I would send her
758
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,125
a card on Father's Day.
759
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,250
And I would just thank her
760
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,083
for playing both roles
761
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,083
in my life.
762
00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:51,000
The moment I found out
763
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,083
I was going to be a father
764
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,083
was very scary for me.
765
00:18:54,083 --> 00:18:55,792
I was an undergrad,
766
00:18:55,792 --> 00:18:58,333
and my son's mother
767
00:18:55,792 --> 00:18:58,333
told me she was pregnant.
768
00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:01,166
And we were no
769
00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:01,166
longer together.
770
00:19:01,166 --> 00:19:02,625
And I told her
771
00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,250
if she wanted
772
00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,250
I would raise him.
773
00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:06,333
I would take care of him.
774
00:19:06,333 --> 00:19:07,959
My father didn't raise me,
775
00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:11,291
and this is very important
776
00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:11,291
for me to raise my son.
777
00:19:11,291 --> 00:19:13,166
It's been very hard
778
00:19:11,291 --> 00:19:13,166
to play both roles
779
00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:16,083
as a mother and father
780
00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:16,083
for Jacksen
781
00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,083
because I was taught that
782
00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,083
men are tough, they're strong.
783
00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:21,417
I spent
784
00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:21,417
a lot of nights crying.
785
00:19:21,417 --> 00:19:24,917
Because he did have feelings
786
00:19:21,417 --> 00:19:24,917
and I had to,
787
00:19:24,917 --> 00:19:27,792
you know,
788
00:19:24,917 --> 00:19:27,792
take care of that.
789
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,500
And then one day,
790
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,500
it clicked,
791
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,625
and it clicked because
792
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,625
Jacksen said to me,
793
00:19:31,625 --> 00:19:33,583
"Daddy, I'm sensitive."
794
00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:37,875
And I was like, "Okay...okay."
795
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:39,458
So then I just started like,
796
00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:42,500
I started reading a lot,
797
00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:42,500
you know, doing Google searches
798
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:46,208
on how to be sensitive
799
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:46,208
and stuff like that.
800
00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:48,125
I started just
801
00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:48,125
asking him how he felt,
802
00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:50,500
like how do you feel,
803
00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:50,500
why are you sad, are you okay?
804
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,458
He taught me
805
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,458
how to be more in touch
806
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,208
with my own emotions
807
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,208
and his as well.
808
00:19:54,208 --> 00:19:56,458
He would cry sometimes,
809
00:19:54,208 --> 00:19:56,458
I would cry with him.
810
00:19:56,458 --> 00:19:58,125
And I would tell him,
811
00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:59,959
"Daddy wasn't allowed
812
00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:59,959
to cry growing up,
813
00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,000
but it's okay,
814
00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,000
if you need to cry, cry."
815
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,542
It took some time
816
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,542
for me to get there.
817
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,542
Porter: Men are doing better.
818
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,041
Men are much more
819
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,041
loving with their sons
820
00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:15,500
and speak about love,
821
00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:15,500
and hugs and kisses, you know.
822
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,250
Men are much more
823
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,250
purposeful in,
824
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:21,041
you know, the experience
825
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:21,041
of nurturing their children
826
00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:23,500
and sharing
827
00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:23,500
in those responsibilities.
828
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,375
So we are getting better.
829
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,667
The fact that we're having
830
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,667
this conversation
831
00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:29,417
speaks to progress.
832
00:20:29,417 --> 00:20:31,250
But it doesn't take away
833
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:33,875
that there is a lot of work
834
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:33,875
still to do.
835
00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,542
CODY: Growing up
836
00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,542
in the household
837
00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,542
that I grew up in,
838
00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:52,834
there was a lot of
839
00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:52,834
physical abuse.
840
00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:56,125
My father
841
00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:56,125
used to beat my mother
842
00:20:56,125 --> 00:20:58,917
pretty horrifically,
843
00:20:56,125 --> 00:20:58,917
from my recollection.
844
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,333
My father sold drugs,
845
00:21:01,333 --> 00:21:03,333
and that's how
846
00:21:01,333 --> 00:21:03,333
he made his living.
847
00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:06,875
He was in and out of prison
848
00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:06,875
my entire childhood.
849
00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:08,500
In fact, I think
850
00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:08,500
he was gone
851
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,500
the first 2 years
852
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,500
that I was born,
853
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,125
so I didn't even
854
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,125
really get to
855
00:21:12,125 --> 00:21:15,875
establish that connection
856
00:21:12,125 --> 00:21:15,875
that most young boys
857
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:19,208
get to establish
858
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:19,208
with their father.
859
00:21:19,208 --> 00:21:22,166
In middle school
860
00:21:19,208 --> 00:21:22,166
it was extremely
861
00:21:19,208 --> 00:21:22,166
difficult to deal with
862
00:21:22,166 --> 00:21:23,792
because I didn't--
863
00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:25,250
I didn't know
864
00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:25,250
what it meant to be a man.
865
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:28,792
Like, I did not have
866
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:28,792
a father figure in my life,
867
00:21:28,792 --> 00:21:30,625
I just had strong women.
868
00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:34,125
I was bullied
869
00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:34,125
a lot growing up
870
00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:36,542
because I'm not the most
871
00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:36,542
masculine of men,
872
00:21:36,542 --> 00:21:38,166
I never have been.
873
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:41,375
Why am I ostracized
874
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:41,375
and treated different
875
00:21:41,375 --> 00:21:43,792
because I don't want to fight,
876
00:21:43,792 --> 00:21:47,583
because I don't see the point
877
00:21:43,792 --> 00:21:47,583
in having rampant
878
00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:50,417
unprotected sex
879
00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:50,417
with uncountable women,
880
00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:55,333
and then sitting here
881
00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:55,333
and boasting about it over
882
00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:55,333
booze and smoking a joint?
883
00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:59,583
And yet that's what
884
00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:59,583
society deems as masculine.
885
00:21:59,583 --> 00:22:01,291
I don't value that.
886
00:22:01,291 --> 00:22:03,083
And I think it's because
887
00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:05,250
I still am so close to my mom
888
00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:05,250
and to my grandmother.
889
00:22:05,250 --> 00:22:09,125
And they're both extremely
890
00:22:05,250 --> 00:22:09,125
strong and respectable,
891
00:22:09,125 --> 00:22:11,500
not only women,
892
00:22:09,125 --> 00:22:11,500
they're respectable people.
893
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:15,208
And so, that to me is
894
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:15,208
what I wanted to emulate.
895
00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:25,250
One of the things
896
00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:25,250
that came up in my study
897
00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:25,250
has to do with the "mean team,"
898
00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:28,792
which was a team
899
00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:28,792
created by the boys,
900
00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:28,792
for the boys,
901
00:22:28,792 --> 00:22:32,125
for the purpose of acting
902
00:22:28,792 --> 00:22:32,125
against the girls.
903
00:22:32,125 --> 00:22:34,125
This was a
904
00:22:32,125 --> 00:22:34,125
pre-kindergarten class.
905
00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,125
In the beginning there was
906
00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,125
a little bit of intermixing,
907
00:22:36,125 --> 00:22:38,417
but then by December
908
00:22:36,125 --> 00:22:38,417
of that first year,
909
00:22:38,417 --> 00:22:40,458
the boys versus girls
910
00:22:38,417 --> 00:22:40,458
dynamic had become clear.
911
00:22:40,458 --> 00:22:42,041
And even the hierarchy
912
00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:43,834
among the boys
913
00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:43,834
had become clear.
914
00:22:43,834 --> 00:22:45,500
It had these rules
915
00:22:43,834 --> 00:22:45,500
and these ways of being
916
00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:48,375
and these ways of engaging
917
00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:48,375
each other and behaving.
918
00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:51,208
One of the rules was that they
919
00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:51,208
couldn't play with the girls.
920
00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,166
And if you broke
921
00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,166
those rules,
922
00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:54,917
you could be fired
923
00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:54,917
and technically,
924
00:22:54,917 --> 00:22:56,834
not be a boy anymore.
925
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,500
One of the boys told me,
926
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,667
"I'm actually friends
927
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,667
with all the girls.
928
00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,917
"I actually like the girls.
929
00:23:02,917 --> 00:23:05,583
But if Mike--"
930
00:23:02,917 --> 00:23:05,583
the leader of the mean team--
931
00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:08,000
"finds out, then he'll fire me
932
00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:08,000
from his club,
933
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,041
and then
934
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,041
I won't have a club."
935
00:23:10,041 --> 00:23:11,875
They totally understand,
936
00:23:10,041 --> 00:23:11,875
like kind of,
937
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,917
these are the rules and then
938
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,917
these are the consequences
939
00:23:13,917 --> 00:23:16,208
for their status
940
00:23:13,917 --> 00:23:16,208
among the boys.
941
00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,458
GABY: When I was choosing
942
00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,458
schools for Roman
943
00:23:21,458 --> 00:23:23,166
to go to kindergarten,
944
00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:27,041
I specifically chose one
945
00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:27,041
that was Christian based.
946
00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:30,166
It seemed that
947
00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:30,166
there was an emphasis on
948
00:23:30,166 --> 00:23:32,709
family values
949
00:23:30,166 --> 00:23:32,709
and kindness.
950
00:23:32,709 --> 00:23:35,125
But by the end of kindergarten,
951
00:23:35,125 --> 00:23:40,000
I started to see a change
952
00:23:35,125 --> 00:23:40,000
in my son's behavior
953
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,709
and the kids around him.
954
00:23:41,709 --> 00:23:43,875
And I would describe
955
00:23:41,709 --> 00:23:43,875
it as, like,
956
00:23:43,875 --> 00:23:47,375
just a hard edge
957
00:23:43,875 --> 00:23:47,375
that got progressively worse.
958
00:23:47,375 --> 00:23:49,375
In first grade,
959
00:23:47,375 --> 00:23:49,375
there were days
960
00:23:49,375 --> 00:23:52,041
where he would come home
961
00:23:49,375 --> 00:23:52,041
and just burst into tears.
962
00:23:52,041 --> 00:23:53,458
And I would say,
963
00:23:52,041 --> 00:23:53,458
"What is going on?"
964
00:23:53,458 --> 00:23:55,959
And he said,
965
00:23:53,458 --> 00:23:55,959
"Well, you know, so and so
966
00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:58,458
pushed me out of line
967
00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:58,458
for the fourth time this week,
968
00:23:58,458 --> 00:24:00,375
and the teacher really
969
00:23:58,458 --> 00:24:00,375
didn't do anything about it,"
970
00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:03,417
or, you know, "They were
971
00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:03,417
making fun of me at recess,"
972
00:24:03,417 --> 00:24:06,375
or, you know,
973
00:24:03,417 --> 00:24:06,375
"I went to soccer practice
974
00:24:06,375 --> 00:24:09,083
and they said I was
975
00:24:06,375 --> 00:24:09,083
the worst person on the team."
976
00:24:09,083 --> 00:24:10,667
So it started
977
00:24:09,083 --> 00:24:10,667
with things like that,
978
00:24:10,667 --> 00:24:12,125
and by second grade,
979
00:24:12,125 --> 00:24:13,834
there was one day
980
00:24:12,125 --> 00:24:13,834
where he came home saying
981
00:24:13,834 --> 00:24:17,250
that he was strangled
982
00:24:13,834 --> 00:24:17,250
in the hallway.
983
00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:18,959
By the middle
984
00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:18,959
of the school year,
985
00:24:18,959 --> 00:24:20,750
I would pick him up
986
00:24:18,959 --> 00:24:20,750
from school
987
00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:22,750
and I could see in his face
988
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:25,709
that he was doing
989
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:25,709
everything he could
990
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:25,709
to hold back the tears,
991
00:24:25,709 --> 00:24:29,250
because he didn't want
992
00:24:25,709 --> 00:24:29,250
to be made fun of
993
00:24:25,709 --> 00:24:29,250
even more by the boys.
994
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:32,917
And the second
995
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:32,917
we drove half a block away,
996
00:24:32,917 --> 00:24:36,125
just the floodgates opened,
997
00:24:32,917 --> 00:24:36,125
and he was so sad.
998
00:24:37,041 --> 00:24:39,125
ROMAN: I just felt alone.
999
00:24:39,917 --> 00:24:42,417
I wasn't doing
1000
00:24:39,917 --> 00:24:42,417
what everyone else was doing.
1001
00:24:42,417 --> 00:24:43,834
I was different.
1002
00:24:58,291 --> 00:25:00,125
KUPERS:
1003
00:24:58,291 --> 00:25:00,125
There's a dominance hierarchy.
1004
00:25:00,125 --> 00:25:02,291
There are tough guys
1005
00:25:00,125 --> 00:25:02,291
who are on the top
1006
00:25:02,291 --> 00:25:04,417
and there are weaklings, girls,
1007
00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:06,375
who are the bottom
1008
00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:06,375
of the heap.
1009
00:25:06,375 --> 00:25:10,291
Now this is the origin
1010
00:25:06,375 --> 00:25:10,291
of sexism and homophobia.
1011
00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:14,125
In sexism, it's that a girl
1012
00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:14,125
isn't as strong as a boy.
1013
00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:16,125
With homosexuality,
1014
00:25:16,125 --> 00:25:19,959
the gay man
1015
00:25:16,125 --> 00:25:19,959
becomes the most stigmatized
1016
00:25:19,959 --> 00:25:23,166
version of weakness
1017
00:25:19,959 --> 00:25:23,166
and sissiness.
1018
00:25:23,166 --> 00:25:26,125
What happens in your
1019
00:25:23,166 --> 00:25:26,125
relations with other kids
1020
00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:29,500
is that you pick out someone
1021
00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:29,500
who appears weak in that way.
1022
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:31,500
You maybe bully him,
1023
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,458
but maybe it's just a more
1024
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,458
subtle kind of demeaning.
1025
00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:37,083
And you start hating
1026
00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:37,083
that thing about him
1027
00:25:37,083 --> 00:25:39,917
that you're
1028
00:25:37,083 --> 00:25:39,917
afraid of in yourself.
1029
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:46,000
MOLY: I was born
1030
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:46,000
in Salt Lake City.
1031
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,709
After first grade,
1032
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,709
we moved to Massachusetts.
1033
00:25:50,542 --> 00:25:53,959
I dealt with a lot of bullying.
1034
00:25:53,959 --> 00:25:56,208
I dealt with
1035
00:25:53,959 --> 00:25:56,208
a lot of taunting.
1036
00:25:57,166 --> 00:26:01,667
I got picked on because
1037
00:25:57,166 --> 00:26:01,667
I was the smallest kid,
1038
00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:02,834
the skinniest kid,
1039
00:26:02,834 --> 00:26:05,500
the most non-white kid,
1040
00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:08,625
and lastly, the kid probably
1041
00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:08,625
most suspected to be gay,
1042
00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:10,917
which, you know, is true.
1043
00:26:10,917 --> 00:26:12,458
Ended up being true.
1044
00:26:12,458 --> 00:26:15,375
But, yeah, I remember
1045
00:26:12,458 --> 00:26:15,375
these kind of big kids
1046
00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:19,375
coming over and yelling out,
1047
00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:19,375
"Hey, faggot!"
1048
00:26:19,375 --> 00:26:21,625
or, "Why don't you
1049
00:26:19,375 --> 00:26:21,625
go back to China?"
1050
00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:24,875
I would always fight back.
1051
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,500
I'd get my
1052
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,500
stomach punched in.
1053
00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:29,417
I just remember
1054
00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:29,417
coming home from school
1055
00:26:29,417 --> 00:26:32,166
with like bloody hands just from
1056
00:26:29,417 --> 00:26:32,166
being pushed onto the concrete,
1057
00:26:32,166 --> 00:26:35,542
and my hands kind of grazing
1058
00:26:32,166 --> 00:26:35,542
against the concrete.
1059
00:26:35,542 --> 00:26:36,917
It was terrorizing for me.
1060
00:26:36,917 --> 00:26:38,625
I would always
1061
00:26:36,917 --> 00:26:38,625
end up crying.
1062
00:26:39,792 --> 00:26:41,542
I felt a lot of shame from
1063
00:26:41,542 --> 00:26:43,959
not being
1064
00:26:41,542 --> 00:26:43,959
able to defend myself.
1065
00:26:43,959 --> 00:26:46,125
My dad would start
1066
00:26:43,959 --> 00:26:46,125
giving me advice
1067
00:26:46,125 --> 00:26:48,583
about how to fight back.
1068
00:26:48,583 --> 00:26:53,041
I mean I love my mom,
1069
00:26:48,583 --> 00:26:53,041
you know, and I love my dad.
1070
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,125
But I just got
1071
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,125
the same thing from them.
1072
00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:04,959
Everybody's telling me
1073
00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:04,959
to just deal with it.
1074
00:27:04,959 --> 00:27:08,959
After a fight,
1075
00:27:04,959 --> 00:27:08,959
I learned to just wash
1076
00:27:04,959 --> 00:27:08,959
my own hands of the blood,
1077
00:27:08,959 --> 00:27:12,834
I learned to just
1078
00:27:08,959 --> 00:27:12,834
not talk about it.
1079
00:27:12,834 --> 00:27:15,750
I felt so down
1080
00:27:12,834 --> 00:27:15,750
and depressed
1081
00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,500
to the point of contemplating
1082
00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,500
suicide many times.
1083
00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,125
I just didn't feel like
1084
00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,125
living anymore.
1085
00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:27,667
I never really knew
1086
00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:27,667
why I had such a difficult time
1087
00:27:27,667 --> 00:27:29,959
talking about how I felt
1088
00:27:29,959 --> 00:27:31,667
until I looked back
1089
00:27:29,959 --> 00:27:31,667
at my history
1090
00:27:31,667 --> 00:27:34,291
and then I was like, well,
1091
00:27:31,667 --> 00:27:34,291
obviously, that's why, you know,
1092
00:27:34,291 --> 00:27:37,875
because I was discouraged
1093
00:27:34,291 --> 00:27:37,875
with physical force
1094
00:27:37,875 --> 00:27:41,208
from ever expressing emotions.
1095
00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:49,709
WAY: Boys directly
1096
00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:49,709
make the link between
1097
00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,458
having friendships
1098
00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,458
and mental health.
1099
00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:54,041
So they tell me,
1100
00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:54,041
"If I didn't have
1101
00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:54,041
someone to talk to
1102
00:27:54,041 --> 00:27:56,000
"about my secrets
1103
00:27:54,041 --> 00:27:56,000
and about my personal life,
1104
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,709
I would go crazy,
1105
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,709
I would go whacko."
1106
00:27:57,709 --> 00:28:00,750
Sometimes when I'm sad
1107
00:27:57,709 --> 00:28:00,750
I can tell my friends this,
1108
00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:03,333
and they could try
1109
00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:03,333
to help me out and stuff.
1110
00:28:03,333 --> 00:28:06,041
WAY: At 11, 12, 13, 14,
1111
00:28:06,041 --> 00:28:07,750
boys tell these
1112
00:28:06,041 --> 00:28:07,750
very passionate stories
1113
00:28:07,750 --> 00:28:11,375
about other boys and wanting
1114
00:28:07,750 --> 00:28:11,375
to be friends with them
1115
00:28:11,375 --> 00:28:12,959
and wanting to share secrets.
1116
00:28:12,959 --> 00:28:15,041
CHU: This one boy described how
1117
00:28:12,959 --> 00:28:15,041
he was having difficulties
1118
00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:16,792
with his parents
1119
00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:16,792
understanding him,
1120
00:28:16,792 --> 00:28:18,166
and the person
1121
00:28:16,792 --> 00:28:18,166
who saved him
1122
00:28:18,166 --> 00:28:20,500
on a daily basis
1123
00:28:18,166 --> 00:28:20,500
was his best friend,
1124
00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:23,417
who he felt really
1125
00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:23,417
loved him unconditionally.
1126
00:28:23,417 --> 00:28:26,166
WAY: Starting when
1127
00:28:23,417 --> 00:28:26,166
they're about 15, 16, 17,
1128
00:28:26,166 --> 00:28:28,083
the language shifts.
1129
00:28:28,083 --> 00:28:29,500
You hear boys
1130
00:28:28,083 --> 00:28:29,500
actually talking about
1131
00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:31,375
their struggles
1132
00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:31,375
in their friendships,
1133
00:28:31,375 --> 00:28:34,208
being hurt by other boys,
1134
00:28:31,375 --> 00:28:34,208
feeling betrayed by other boys,
1135
00:28:34,208 --> 00:28:36,709
wanting to have
1136
00:28:34,208 --> 00:28:36,709
intimate friendships,
1137
00:28:36,709 --> 00:28:39,458
not knowing how to find
1138
00:28:36,709 --> 00:28:39,458
those friendships.
1139
00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:42,083
From middle school I had
1140
00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:42,083
four really close friends
1141
00:28:42,083 --> 00:28:43,542
and we did
1142
00:28:42,083 --> 00:28:43,542
everything together.
1143
00:28:43,542 --> 00:28:45,333
But once I went
1144
00:28:43,542 --> 00:28:45,333
into high school,
1145
00:28:45,333 --> 00:28:47,625
I struggle finding people
1146
00:28:45,333 --> 00:28:47,625
I can talk to about things
1147
00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:50,375
because I feel like
1148
00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:50,375
I have to deal with it myself.
1149
00:28:51,792 --> 00:28:54,000
I'm not supposed to get help.
1150
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,792
They really buy into a culture
1151
00:28:55,792 --> 00:28:58,041
that doesn't value
1152
00:28:55,792 --> 00:28:58,041
what we've feminized.
1153
00:28:58,041 --> 00:29:00,542
So we've made
1154
00:28:58,041 --> 00:29:00,542
feminine relationships,
1155
00:29:00,542 --> 00:29:03,083
emotions, all these
1156
00:29:00,542 --> 00:29:03,083
critical things, empathy,
1157
00:29:03,083 --> 00:29:04,834
and so boys begin to devalue
1158
00:29:04,834 --> 00:29:06,458
their relational parts
1159
00:29:04,834 --> 00:29:06,458
to themselves,
1160
00:29:06,458 --> 00:29:09,750
their relational needs,
1161
00:29:06,458 --> 00:29:09,750
their relational desires.
1162
00:29:10,625 --> 00:29:14,083
WILL: In good times,
1163
00:29:10,625 --> 00:29:14,083
guys are like really
1164
00:29:10,625 --> 00:29:14,083
close to each other
1165
00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,750
and they're really
1166
00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,750
good friends with each other,
1167
00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,750
and they interact a lot.
1168
00:29:16,750 --> 00:29:18,375
But when things
1169
00:29:16,750 --> 00:29:18,375
get a little bit worse,
1170
00:29:18,375 --> 00:29:21,667
it's more like
1171
00:29:18,375 --> 00:29:21,667
you're on your own.
1172
00:29:21,667 --> 00:29:23,667
One of the adolescent boys
1173
00:29:21,667 --> 00:29:23,667
described it as,
1174
00:29:23,667 --> 00:29:26,375
if you spill your guts
1175
00:29:23,667 --> 00:29:26,375
the way that girls do,
1176
00:29:26,375 --> 00:29:28,375
if you tell somebody
1177
00:29:26,375 --> 00:29:28,375
how you really feel,
1178
00:29:28,375 --> 00:29:31,208
then they can use that
1179
00:29:28,375 --> 00:29:31,208
against you at any time.
1180
00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:34,542
WAY:
1181
00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:34,542
So the loss of the intimacy
1182
00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:34,542
in their friendships,
1183
00:29:34,542 --> 00:29:36,959
feeling, oftentimes,
1184
00:29:34,542 --> 00:29:36,959
for many of our boys,
1185
00:29:36,959 --> 00:29:39,375
very lonely, very isolated,
1186
00:29:39,375 --> 00:29:42,041
they really enter
1187
00:29:39,375 --> 00:29:42,041
into a culture of masculinity
1188
00:29:42,041 --> 00:29:43,792
that makes these
1189
00:29:42,041 --> 00:29:43,792
bizarre equations
1190
00:29:43,792 --> 00:29:46,959
that male intimacy
1191
00:29:43,792 --> 00:29:46,959
has to be about sexuality.
1192
00:29:46,959 --> 00:29:48,375
They'll start saying
1193
00:29:46,959 --> 00:29:48,375
things like,
1194
00:29:48,375 --> 00:29:49,875
"I feel close to him,
1195
00:29:48,375 --> 00:29:49,875
no homo.
1196
00:29:49,875 --> 00:29:51,583
He's cool, no homo."
1197
00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:53,917
So this constant allusion
1198
00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:53,917
that any sign of intimacy
1199
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,792
is going to be perceived
1200
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,792
as potentially gay.
1201
00:29:56,792 --> 00:29:58,709
They understand that
1202
00:29:56,792 --> 00:29:58,709
if you're straight,
1203
00:29:58,709 --> 00:30:01,125
you have no desire
1204
00:29:58,709 --> 00:30:01,125
for male intimacy.
1205
00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:03,917
We don't do that with women,
1206
00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:03,917
we do that with men.
1207
00:30:04,667 --> 00:30:05,875
Each of them is posturing
1208
00:30:05,875 --> 00:30:07,667
based on how the other boys
1209
00:30:05,875 --> 00:30:07,667
are posturing.
1210
00:30:07,667 --> 00:30:09,291
And what they
1211
00:30:07,667 --> 00:30:09,291
end up missing is
1212
00:30:09,291 --> 00:30:12,709
what they each really want,
1213
00:30:09,291 --> 00:30:12,709
which is just that closeness.
1214
00:30:17,417 --> 00:30:20,667
Drinking and drug taking
1215
00:30:17,417 --> 00:30:20,667
are very often a way
1216
00:30:20,667 --> 00:30:23,417
that boys relax
1217
00:30:20,667 --> 00:30:23,417
those tight rules
1218
00:30:23,417 --> 00:30:27,333
which say they always
1219
00:30:23,417 --> 00:30:27,333
have to be silent and strong.
1220
00:30:27,333 --> 00:30:29,917
And when you get drunk
1221
00:30:27,333 --> 00:30:29,917
you can hug your friends,
1222
00:30:29,917 --> 00:30:32,625
and you can tell them
1223
00:30:29,917 --> 00:30:32,625
how much you love them.
1224
00:30:32,625 --> 00:30:37,417
You can have sex with a girl
1225
00:30:32,625 --> 00:30:37,417
and not feel afraid
1226
00:30:37,417 --> 00:30:40,333
in a way that all people feel
1227
00:30:37,417 --> 00:30:40,333
when they start having sex,
1228
00:30:40,333 --> 00:30:43,333
because it's intimate
1229
00:30:40,333 --> 00:30:43,333
and it's unfamiliar
1230
00:30:43,333 --> 00:30:47,333
and it's incredibly exposing.
1231
00:30:55,959 --> 00:30:59,834
It's not just acceptable
1232
00:30:55,959 --> 00:30:59,834
that teens are drinking,
1233
00:30:59,834 --> 00:31:01,333
doing drugs,
1234
00:30:59,834 --> 00:31:01,333
and having sex,
1235
00:31:01,333 --> 00:31:03,333
it's expected
1236
00:31:01,333 --> 00:31:03,333
and sometimes
1237
00:31:03,333 --> 00:31:05,166
looked down on
1238
00:31:03,333 --> 00:31:05,166
if you're not doing that.
1239
00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:08,000
You feel out of place
1240
00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:08,000
if you're the only
1241
00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:08,000
sober one there.
1242
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:09,875
To the break of dawn, y'all!
1243
00:31:09,875 --> 00:31:13,250
♪ Welcome to the party ♪
1244
00:31:13,250 --> 00:31:15,667
( song continues )
1245
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,125
♪ Welcome to the party ♪
1246
00:31:20,125 --> 00:31:22,375
♪ We're just getting started ♪
1247
00:31:22,375 --> 00:31:24,834
♪ Gonna play it loud,
1248
00:31:22,375 --> 00:31:24,834
let it all hang out ♪
1249
00:31:24,834 --> 00:31:28,375
♪ If you're in,
1250
00:31:24,834 --> 00:31:28,375
let me hear you shout ♪
1251
00:31:29,375 --> 00:31:31,875
♪ Yeah, let me hear you shout ♪
1252
00:31:34,291 --> 00:31:36,625
♪ Let me hear you shout ♪
1253
00:31:47,583 --> 00:31:49,875
So boys take
1254
00:31:47,583 --> 00:31:49,875
drugs and alcohol,
1255
00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:53,166
but they're often
1256
00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:53,166
doing it to treat loneliness.
1257
00:31:53,792 --> 00:31:56,291
When they're lonely
1258
00:31:53,792 --> 00:31:56,291
or in a lot of psychic pain
1259
00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:59,917
and they don't have the words
1260
00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:59,917
to put it into language,
1261
00:31:59,917 --> 00:32:03,500
they take to drink
1262
00:31:59,917 --> 00:32:03,500
and drugs to blot it out.
1263
00:32:12,208 --> 00:32:13,667
Hey, Mom.
1264
00:32:12,208 --> 00:32:13,667
Hi.
1265
00:32:16,166 --> 00:32:18,041
LUIS: My mom and father
1266
00:32:18,041 --> 00:32:20,875
met when they were about
1267
00:32:18,041 --> 00:32:20,875
17 years old,
1268
00:32:20,875 --> 00:32:25,250
and they decided to leave
1269
00:32:20,875 --> 00:32:25,250
Mexico for a better future.
1270
00:32:25,250 --> 00:32:27,959
My mom told me, you know,
1271
00:32:25,250 --> 00:32:27,959
"Go to school and get a career
1272
00:32:27,959 --> 00:32:29,792
so you don't have
1273
00:32:27,959 --> 00:32:29,792
to be like me."
1274
00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:34,208
( In Spanish )
1275
00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:34,208
Would you like
1276
00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:34,208
to eat something, Luis?
1277
00:32:34,208 --> 00:32:35,250
Like what?
1278
00:32:36,375 --> 00:32:39,041
Like a sandwich,
1279
00:32:36,375 --> 00:32:39,041
a quesadilla, or something.
1280
00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:45,000
( Mother in Spanish )
1281
00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:45,000
My husband and I made the
1282
00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:45,000
decision to separate in 2007.
1283
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,083
And he left.
1284
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,083
And I remained alone
1285
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,083
with the three kids.
1286
00:32:50,083 --> 00:32:52,500
He didn't come to visit them
1287
00:32:50,083 --> 00:32:52,500
very often.
1288
00:32:52,500 --> 00:32:56,583
He said because he had things
1289
00:32:52,500 --> 00:32:56,583
to do and he was busy.
1290
00:32:56,583 --> 00:33:01,333
My dad actually,
1291
00:32:56,583 --> 00:33:01,333
he was kind of a wild kid.
1292
00:33:01,333 --> 00:33:03,041
Like, he would
1293
00:33:01,333 --> 00:33:03,041
like to party a lot
1294
00:33:03,041 --> 00:33:05,583
and he would like to go out
1295
00:33:03,041 --> 00:33:05,583
with his friends.
1296
00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:07,250
One night he just
1297
00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:07,250
made a bad move
1298
00:33:07,250 --> 00:33:09,250
and decided
1299
00:33:07,250 --> 00:33:09,250
to drink and drive.
1300
00:33:09,250 --> 00:33:11,792
And, you know,
1301
00:33:09,250 --> 00:33:11,792
he got pulled over.
1302
00:33:11,792 --> 00:33:16,375
They found out later
1303
00:33:11,792 --> 00:33:16,375
he wasn't a US citizen.
1304
00:33:16,375 --> 00:33:19,500
So they deported him
1305
00:33:16,375 --> 00:33:19,500
back to Mexico,
1306
00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:22,458
and he's been there
1307
00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:22,458
since I was in seventh grade.
1308
00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:25,458
I miss my dad
1309
00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:25,458
very much and,
1310
00:33:25,458 --> 00:33:26,959
you know,
1311
00:33:25,458 --> 00:33:26,959
there's nothing I can do
1312
00:33:26,959 --> 00:33:28,959
but visit him in Mexico.
1313
00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:34,000
( In Spanish )
1314
00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:34,000
From that point, the problems
1315
00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:34,000
started with Luis.
1316
00:33:34,250 --> 00:33:38,250
Luis was a good kid,
1317
00:33:34,250 --> 00:33:38,250
he was very sweet.
1318
00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:43,458
But when he got
1319
00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:43,458
into seventh grade,
1320
00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:43,458
he changed completely.
1321
00:33:43,458 --> 00:33:46,291
LUIS: I noticed
1322
00:33:43,458 --> 00:33:46,291
a bunch of different faces.
1323
00:33:46,291 --> 00:33:48,000
There was a lot
1324
00:33:46,291 --> 00:33:48,000
of pretty girls,
1325
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,959
then there was
1326
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,959
like the gang members
1327
00:33:49,959 --> 00:33:53,375
and then the skaters
1328
00:33:49,959 --> 00:33:53,375
and then the kids that smoked.
1329
00:33:53,375 --> 00:33:55,000
When I decided
1330
00:33:53,375 --> 00:33:55,000
to join a gang,
1331
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,333
it was because
1332
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,333
it was just cool.
1333
00:33:57,333 --> 00:34:01,000
I was eventually
1334
00:33:57,333 --> 00:34:01,000
jumped in and,
1335
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,083
you know, I claimed a color.
1336
00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:07,041
They gave me a nickname
1337
00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:07,041
to just affiliate myself.
1338
00:34:08,417 --> 00:34:10,166
I would ditch class.
1339
00:34:10,166 --> 00:34:11,500
I had four F's.
1340
00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:13,458
I ran away from home.
1341
00:34:13,458 --> 00:34:15,625
I just found myself
1342
00:34:13,458 --> 00:34:15,625
with a lot of troubles.
1343
00:34:15,625 --> 00:34:18,500
And I just didn't care.
1344
00:34:18,834 --> 00:34:21,667
( Mother in Spanish )
1345
00:34:18,834 --> 00:34:21,667
I ask him, "Luis are you okay?
1346
00:34:18,834 --> 00:34:21,667
'Yes'".
1347
00:34:21,667 --> 00:34:24,750
But there are times
1348
00:34:21,667 --> 00:34:24,750
when I sense that he's not ok.
1349
00:34:25,208 --> 00:34:27,542
Then he gets mad, he yells.
1350
00:34:28,041 --> 00:34:30,959
It's never a good time
1351
00:34:28,041 --> 00:34:30,959
to talk to him.
1352
00:34:32,125 --> 00:34:35,291
Sometimes I've felt very
1353
00:34:32,125 --> 00:34:35,291
hopeless.
1354
00:34:36,542 --> 00:34:38,000
LUIS: Around my
1355
00:34:36,542 --> 00:34:38,000
freshman year
1356
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,583
is when I felt really
1357
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,583
depressed and alone.
1358
00:34:41,583 --> 00:34:43,875
And I would just wake up
1359
00:34:41,583 --> 00:34:43,875
in a bad mood.
1360
00:34:43,875 --> 00:34:46,583
Sometimes I would
1361
00:34:43,875 --> 00:34:46,583
cry myself to sleep.
1362
00:34:46,583 --> 00:34:48,291
I didn't have
1363
00:34:46,583 --> 00:34:48,291
no one to talk to.
1364
00:34:48,291 --> 00:34:52,208
Like no one could really
1365
00:34:48,291 --> 00:34:52,208
listen to me and tell me,
1366
00:34:52,208 --> 00:34:53,250
you know,
1367
00:34:52,208 --> 00:34:53,250
"It's going to be okay,
1368
00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:54,709
it's going to be all right."
1369
00:34:54,709 --> 00:34:57,750
Like, "I got you,"
1370
00:34:54,709 --> 00:34:57,750
or anything.
1371
00:34:57,750 --> 00:34:59,917
I really felt like
1372
00:34:57,750 --> 00:34:59,917
everyone gave up on me,
1373
00:34:59,917 --> 00:35:01,125
even my mom.
1374
00:35:02,166 --> 00:35:03,291
There's been a time
1375
00:35:03,291 --> 00:35:06,041
where I almost
1376
00:35:03,291 --> 00:35:06,041
did commit suicide,
1377
00:35:06,041 --> 00:35:11,041
but I'm going to put
1378
00:35:06,041 --> 00:35:11,041
more pressure on my family,
1379
00:35:11,041 --> 00:35:14,709
my mom and my dad.
1380
00:35:14,709 --> 00:35:17,417
Basically all I had
1381
00:35:14,709 --> 00:35:17,417
was marijuana,
1382
00:35:17,417 --> 00:35:19,542
I was smoking that every day.
1383
00:35:19,542 --> 00:35:21,583
I would always be high.
1384
00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:25,417
I was smoking,
1385
00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:25,417
and I wouldn't think
1386
00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:25,417
about any troubles.
1387
00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:30,083
I remember July 6th,
1388
00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:30,083
we went to the cannabis club.
1389
00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:32,709
We got THC wax oil.
1390
00:35:32,709 --> 00:35:34,375
We smoked a joint.
1391
00:35:34,375 --> 00:35:35,709
And then next thing I know,
1392
00:35:35,709 --> 00:35:38,083
I saw a cop
1393
00:35:35,709 --> 00:35:38,083
flashing his lights.
1394
00:35:38,083 --> 00:35:41,166
He wrote us a ticket,
1395
00:35:38,083 --> 00:35:41,166
he came back to the car,
1396
00:35:41,166 --> 00:35:42,834
and he searched me.
1397
00:35:42,834 --> 00:35:47,000
He found it in my shoe,
1398
00:35:42,834 --> 00:35:47,000
and he put the cuffs on me
1399
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,583
and he told me you have
1400
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,583
the right to remain silent,
1401
00:35:49,583 --> 00:35:51,458
you're going to be
1402
00:35:49,583 --> 00:35:51,458
taken to jail.
1403
00:35:53,375 --> 00:35:56,375
( Mother in Spanish )
1404
00:35:53,375 --> 00:35:56,375
My heart broke.
1405
00:35:56,375 --> 00:35:59,834
I couldn't believe it.
1406
00:35:56,375 --> 00:35:59,834
I couldn't believe it.
1407
00:36:01,375 --> 00:36:06,208
And it really hurt when I saw
1408
00:36:01,375 --> 00:36:06,208
that he was being arrested.
1409
00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:08,709
And that he was going to be in
1410
00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:08,709
juvenile hall.
1411
00:36:08,709 --> 00:36:10,333
It really hurt.
1412
00:36:15,750 --> 00:36:19,333
We recognize more and more
1413
00:36:15,750 --> 00:36:19,333
that adolescents are more likely
1414
00:36:19,333 --> 00:36:20,875
to be depressed and suicidal,
1415
00:36:20,875 --> 00:36:23,959
but we imagine that
1416
00:36:20,875 --> 00:36:23,959
that will be female adolescence
1417
00:36:23,959 --> 00:36:26,250
because of the way
1418
00:36:23,959 --> 00:36:26,250
we define depression--
1419
00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:30,291
more removed, more quiet,
1420
00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:30,291
not responding.
1421
00:36:30,291 --> 00:36:34,458
What boys tend to do
1422
00:36:30,291 --> 00:36:34,458
when they are getting depressed
1423
00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:35,959
is actually the opposite.
1424
00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:38,166
Boys are more
1425
00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:38,166
likely to act out,
1426
00:36:38,166 --> 00:36:39,875
more likely to
1427
00:36:38,166 --> 00:36:39,875
become aggressive,
1428
00:36:39,875 --> 00:36:42,125
using cursing words
1429
00:36:39,875 --> 00:36:42,125
and screaming at people.
1430
00:36:42,125 --> 00:36:45,375
But most people
1431
00:36:42,125 --> 00:36:45,375
see it as a conduct disorder
1432
00:36:45,375 --> 00:36:47,083
or just a bad kid.
1433
00:36:47,083 --> 00:36:49,041
And what happens?
1434
00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:51,500
Before they see
1435
00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:51,500
the other signs of depression,
1436
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,834
which will come
1437
00:36:52,834 --> 00:36:54,667
in adolescent males,
1438
00:36:52,834 --> 00:36:54,667
just as females,
1439
00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:57,333
that young male
1440
00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:57,333
may become suicidal,
1441
00:36:57,333 --> 00:36:59,291
but no one has noticed it.
1442
00:37:10,583 --> 00:37:12,041
Exactly at the age
1443
00:37:12,041 --> 00:37:13,834
that we began
1444
00:37:12,041 --> 00:37:13,834
to hear the language,
1445
00:37:13,834 --> 00:37:16,291
the emotional language,
1446
00:37:13,834 --> 00:37:16,291
disappear from boys' narratives,
1447
00:37:16,291 --> 00:37:17,667
in the national data
1448
00:37:17,667 --> 00:37:19,041
that's
1449
00:37:17,667 --> 00:37:19,041
exactly the age
1450
00:37:19,041 --> 00:37:21,375
that boys begin to
1451
00:37:19,041 --> 00:37:21,375
have five times
1452
00:37:21,375 --> 00:37:23,250
the rate of
1453
00:37:21,375 --> 00:37:23,250
suicide as girls.
1454
00:37:27,208 --> 00:37:28,500
POLLACK:
1455
00:37:27,208 --> 00:37:28,500
The way boys are brought up
1456
00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:31,875
makes them hide
1457
00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:31,875
all their natural,
1458
00:37:31,875 --> 00:37:33,875
vulnerable
1459
00:37:31,875 --> 00:37:33,875
and empathic feelings
1460
00:37:33,875 --> 00:37:36,709
behind a mask of masculinity.
1461
00:37:36,709 --> 00:37:39,750
And also,
1462
00:37:36,709 --> 00:37:39,750
when they're most in pain,
1463
00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:42,458
they can't reach out
1464
00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:42,458
and ask for help
1465
00:37:42,458 --> 00:37:45,250
because they're not allowed to,
1466
00:37:42,458 --> 00:37:45,250
or they won't be a real boy.
1467
00:37:45,250 --> 00:37:47,041
They are shamed into this,
1468
00:37:47,041 --> 00:37:50,125
and they're very ashamed
1469
00:37:47,041 --> 00:37:50,125
to break out of it.
1470
00:37:54,625 --> 00:37:57,250
So they live
1471
00:37:54,625 --> 00:37:57,250
behind an emotional mask
1472
00:37:57,250 --> 00:38:01,208
that keeps boys from
1473
00:37:57,250 --> 00:38:01,208
expressing their true feelings.
1474
00:38:04,333 --> 00:38:07,750
♪ I tried my best to fit in
1475
00:38:04,333 --> 00:38:07,750
Looking for a suit to fit in ♪
1476
00:38:07,750 --> 00:38:09,667
♪ Standing outside
1477
00:38:07,750 --> 00:38:09,667
of your prison ♪
1478
00:38:09,667 --> 00:38:11,125
♪ Trying to find ways
1479
00:38:09,667 --> 00:38:11,125
I could get in ♪
1480
00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:12,667
♪ Now I realize that I'm free ♪
1481
00:38:12,667 --> 00:38:14,291
♪ And I realize that I'm me ♪
1482
00:38:14,291 --> 00:38:16,083
♪ And I found out
1483
00:38:14,291 --> 00:38:16,083
that I'm not alone ♪
1484
00:38:16,083 --> 00:38:18,291
♪ 'Cause there's
1485
00:38:16,083 --> 00:38:18,291
plenty people like me ♪
1486
00:38:18,291 --> 00:38:19,834
♪ That's right, there's
1487
00:38:18,291 --> 00:38:19,834
plenty people like me ♪
1488
00:38:19,834 --> 00:38:21,709
♪ All love me, despite me ♪
1489
00:38:21,709 --> 00:38:23,166
♪ And all unashamed
1490
00:38:21,709 --> 00:38:23,166
and all unafraid ♪
1491
00:38:23,166 --> 00:38:24,917
♪ To speak out for what
1492
00:38:23,166 --> 00:38:24,917
we might see ♪
1493
00:38:24,917 --> 00:38:26,709
♪ I said there's
1494
00:38:24,917 --> 00:38:26,709
plenty people like me ♪
1495
00:38:26,709 --> 00:38:28,250
♪ All outsiders like me ♪
1496
00:38:28,250 --> 00:38:30,000
♪ All unashamed
1497
00:38:28,250 --> 00:38:30,000
and all unafraid ♪
1498
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,750
♪ To live out
1499
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,750
what they supposed to be ♪
1500
00:38:34,417 --> 00:38:35,792
BRANCH:
1501
00:38:34,417 --> 00:38:35,792
This is my high school,
1502
00:38:35,792 --> 00:38:37,083
I graduated
1503
00:38:35,792 --> 00:38:37,083
from this high school.
1504
00:38:37,083 --> 00:38:38,959
I never wanted
1505
00:38:37,083 --> 00:38:38,959
to be a teacher.
1506
00:38:38,959 --> 00:38:42,250
I was going to be an engineer
1507
00:38:38,959 --> 00:38:42,250
and make a lot of money.
1508
00:38:42,250 --> 00:38:43,750
I became a teacher
1509
00:38:43,750 --> 00:38:46,875
because I saw that
1510
00:38:43,750 --> 00:38:46,875
my community was hurting
1511
00:38:46,875 --> 00:38:48,500
without good teachers.
1512
00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:50,709
And I think one of the
1513
00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:50,709
biggest challenges was that,
1514
00:38:50,709 --> 00:38:52,792
like, I've been through it,
1515
00:38:50,709 --> 00:38:52,792
right?
1516
00:38:52,792 --> 00:38:55,208
And so I want them
1517
00:38:52,792 --> 00:38:55,208
to be able to know that
1518
00:38:55,208 --> 00:38:57,000
they can move forward
1519
00:38:55,208 --> 00:38:57,000
and they can succeed
1520
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,667
and they can do whatever
1521
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,667
they choose to do in life.
1522
00:38:59,667 --> 00:39:01,750
But it's going to take
1523
00:38:59,667 --> 00:39:01,750
hard work.
1524
00:39:01,750 --> 00:39:04,917
If you go two blocks away,
1525
00:39:01,750 --> 00:39:04,917
you'll find prostitution.
1526
00:39:04,917 --> 00:39:08,083
There's a lot of gang
1527
00:39:04,917 --> 00:39:08,083
activity in the area.
1528
00:39:08,083 --> 00:39:10,125
I consider it like
1529
00:39:08,083 --> 00:39:10,125
a war zone, right?
1530
00:39:10,125 --> 00:39:11,917
Our kids get up every morning,
1531
00:39:11,917 --> 00:39:14,041
they have to prepare
1532
00:39:11,917 --> 00:39:14,041
their mask
1533
00:39:14,041 --> 00:39:16,959
for how they're going
1534
00:39:14,041 --> 00:39:16,959
to walk to get to school.
1535
00:39:16,959 --> 00:39:20,375
So if that mask
1536
00:39:16,959 --> 00:39:20,375
requires me not to
1537
00:39:20,375 --> 00:39:23,375
let people see
1538
00:39:20,375 --> 00:39:23,375
any of my vulnerabilities,
1539
00:39:23,375 --> 00:39:26,417
I mean, I may have to put on
1540
00:39:23,375 --> 00:39:26,417
a very tough mask.
1541
00:39:26,417 --> 00:39:27,667
And when I get here
1542
00:39:27,667 --> 00:39:29,000
hopefully I can
1543
00:39:27,667 --> 00:39:29,000
take the mask off,
1544
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,000
so I can focus on learning
1545
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:35,083
rather than continually
1546
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:35,083
wearing this hardened shell.
1547
00:39:35,083 --> 00:39:37,709
A lot of our students don't
1548
00:39:35,083 --> 00:39:37,709
know how to take the mask off.
1549
00:39:42,375 --> 00:39:45,083
So I want you to take
1550
00:39:42,375 --> 00:39:45,083
one of these masks,
1551
00:39:42,375 --> 00:39:45,083
take the mask.
1552
00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:47,125
Here's what
1553
00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:47,125
we're going to do:
1554
00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:47,125
On this mask,
1555
00:39:47,125 --> 00:39:50,291
you're going to draw
1556
00:39:47,125 --> 00:39:50,291
what represents you.
1557
00:39:50,291 --> 00:39:52,166
What are some things
1558
00:39:50,291 --> 00:39:52,166
that you hold up every day
1559
00:39:52,166 --> 00:39:56,291
when you walk to school
1560
00:39:52,166 --> 00:39:56,291
that you let people see.
1561
00:39:56,291 --> 00:39:59,458
And then on the back,
1562
00:39:56,291 --> 00:39:59,458
I want you to write
1563
00:39:59,458 --> 00:40:02,417
what is it that
1564
00:39:59,458 --> 00:40:02,417
you don't let people see.
1565
00:40:02,417 --> 00:40:06,333
Like, what's behind the mask,
1566
00:40:02,417 --> 00:40:06,333
all right?
1567
00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:20,709
So what I want
1568
00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:20,709
you to do is
1569
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:23,750
I want you to take your mask,
1570
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:23,750
and I want you to ball it up.
1571
00:40:24,875 --> 00:40:27,333
I want you to hit someone
1572
00:40:27,333 --> 00:40:30,083
across the circle
1573
00:40:27,333 --> 00:40:30,083
with your mask.
1574
00:40:30,083 --> 00:40:32,542
Don't leave your seat,
1575
00:40:30,083 --> 00:40:32,542
don't leave your seat.
1576
00:40:32,542 --> 00:40:34,166
You can't leave your seat.
1577
00:40:35,375 --> 00:40:37,041
Open it up.
1578
00:40:37,041 --> 00:40:38,583
Okay.
1579
00:40:38,583 --> 00:40:42,875
So who wants to reveal
1580
00:40:38,583 --> 00:40:42,875
what's on the mask they opened.
1581
00:40:42,875 --> 00:40:44,542
Read it out loud,
1582
00:40:42,875 --> 00:40:44,542
just the front.
1583
00:40:44,542 --> 00:40:47,500
"Funny, caring and happy."
1584
00:40:47,500 --> 00:40:48,750
Okay.
1585
00:40:48,750 --> 00:40:50,375
What's behind the mask?
1586
00:40:50,375 --> 00:40:53,041
"Sadness and fear."
1587
00:40:50,375 --> 00:40:53,041
Sadness and fear.
1588
00:40:53,041 --> 00:40:59,709
"Goofy, kindness, happiness,
1589
00:40:53,041 --> 00:40:59,709
silliness, smile, and fun."
1590
00:40:59,917 --> 00:41:01,834
Okay, on the back?
1591
00:41:01,834 --> 00:41:02,834
"Anger."
1592
00:41:02,834 --> 00:41:04,500
Anger. Okay.
1593
00:41:06,375 --> 00:41:07,583
I'll read mine.
1594
00:41:07,583 --> 00:41:09,417
The front says
1595
00:41:07,583 --> 00:41:09,417
"entertainment,"
1596
00:41:09,417 --> 00:41:11,000
that's what I show
1597
00:41:09,417 --> 00:41:11,000
on the mask,
1598
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,458
on the back says "pain."
1599
00:41:15,333 --> 00:41:16,750
"Energy, frustration,
1600
00:41:16,750 --> 00:41:22,250
happiness, friendly,
1601
00:41:16,750 --> 00:41:22,250
heart, smile, outgoing."
1602
00:41:22,250 --> 00:41:25,834
And on the back it say
1603
00:41:22,250 --> 00:41:25,834
"sadness, scared, tears,
1604
00:41:25,834 --> 00:41:27,417
missing my dad,
1605
00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:30,208
"trying to take care
1606
00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:30,208
of my brothers and...
1607
00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:33,500
pain."
1608
00:41:40,750 --> 00:41:43,125
Why you think
1609
00:41:40,750 --> 00:41:43,125
we hold back our pain?
1610
00:41:44,458 --> 00:41:47,291
People don't want everybody
1611
00:41:44,458 --> 00:41:47,291
to know everything.
1612
00:41:47,291 --> 00:41:48,792
You got to keep
1613
00:41:47,291 --> 00:41:48,792
your poker face on,
1614
00:41:48,792 --> 00:41:50,041
can't let them know
1615
00:41:48,792 --> 00:41:50,041
what you got.
1616
00:41:50,041 --> 00:41:52,125
How hard is that,
1617
00:41:52,125 --> 00:41:55,417
to walk around every day
1618
00:41:52,125 --> 00:41:55,417
with a poker face on?
1619
00:41:58,959 --> 00:42:01,750
It's not just
1620
00:41:58,959 --> 00:42:01,750
an activity on paper,
1621
00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:03,333
it's about real stuff
1622
00:42:03,333 --> 00:42:05,125
that we are dealing
1623
00:42:03,333 --> 00:42:05,125
with as young men,
1624
00:42:05,125 --> 00:42:08,041
that we hide behind
1625
00:42:05,125 --> 00:42:08,041
because we don't feel safe.
1626
00:42:10,166 --> 00:42:12,625
Almost 90% of you
1627
00:42:10,166 --> 00:42:12,625
had "pain" and "anger"
1628
00:42:12,625 --> 00:42:15,083
on the back of that paper.
1629
00:42:15,083 --> 00:42:16,875
That's not a coincidence.
1630
00:42:17,875 --> 00:42:19,875
That is real.
1631
00:42:21,041 --> 00:42:23,333
And we're only eight here.
1632
00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:25,041
There are hundreds
1633
00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:25,041
of young men out there
1634
00:42:25,041 --> 00:42:27,417
that are having
1635
00:42:25,041 --> 00:42:27,417
the same experience,
1636
00:42:27,417 --> 00:42:29,959
but they don't have
1637
00:42:27,417 --> 00:42:29,959
anybody to talk to about it.
1638
00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,667
They're holding back sadness,
1639
00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,667
they're holding back pain,
1640
00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,667
they're holding back anger,
1641
00:42:33,667 --> 00:42:37,208
'cause they have nobody
1642
00:42:33,667 --> 00:42:37,208
who's even asking them,
1643
00:42:33,667 --> 00:42:37,208
"What's up with you, man?
1644
00:42:37,208 --> 00:42:39,500
"What's happening?
1645
00:42:37,208 --> 00:42:39,500
What's going on?
1646
00:42:39,500 --> 00:42:41,208
How can I support you?"
1647
00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:46,542
I want each of you
1648
00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:46,542
to be able to say
1649
00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:46,542
what you need to say,
1650
00:42:46,542 --> 00:42:48,333
because if we're ever
1651
00:42:46,542 --> 00:42:48,333
going to dig down
1652
00:42:48,333 --> 00:42:50,166
to the deepness of our pain,
1653
00:42:48,333 --> 00:42:50,166
young men,
1654
00:42:50,166 --> 00:42:52,083
if we're ever going to dig down
1655
00:42:52,083 --> 00:42:54,458
to the anger
1656
00:42:52,083 --> 00:42:54,458
that we're holding behind,
1657
00:42:54,458 --> 00:42:57,375
so that we end up
1658
00:42:54,458 --> 00:42:57,375
another man in jail,
1659
00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625
because we just exploded
1660
00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625
on the wrong person
1661
00:42:59,625 --> 00:43:01,208
for the wrong thing,
1662
00:43:01,208 --> 00:43:03,917
we got to have
1663
00:43:01,208 --> 00:43:03,917
a safe place to deal with it.
1664
00:43:05,500 --> 00:43:07,166
That's brotherhood.
1665
00:43:13,875 --> 00:43:15,667
PORTER: For many of our boys
1666
00:43:15,667 --> 00:43:18,208
who are trying to find
1667
00:43:15,667 --> 00:43:18,208
what it means to be a man,
1668
00:43:18,208 --> 00:43:21,500
and far too many
1669
00:43:18,208 --> 00:43:21,500
without a man guiding them,
1670
00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:23,750
they begin to define
1671
00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:23,750
their own sense
1672
00:43:23,750 --> 00:43:25,792
of what it means
1673
00:43:23,750 --> 00:43:25,792
to be a man.
1674
00:43:25,792 --> 00:43:28,375
Our boys are yearning
1675
00:43:25,792 --> 00:43:28,375
for help,
1676
00:43:28,375 --> 00:43:32,500
yearning for guidance
1677
00:43:28,375 --> 00:43:32,500
and mentorship and leadership.
1678
00:43:35,583 --> 00:43:39,417
What is there about
1679
00:43:35,583 --> 00:43:39,417
being a boy in America
1680
00:43:39,417 --> 00:43:41,291
that places boys
1681
00:43:39,417 --> 00:43:41,291
at greater risk?
1682
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:48,583
We're seeing clearly
1683
00:43:48,583 --> 00:43:51,542
that boys who come
1684
00:43:48,583 --> 00:43:51,542
from low income families,
1685
00:43:51,542 --> 00:43:54,375
and when I say boys
1686
00:43:51,542 --> 00:43:54,375
I mean white boys as well,
1687
00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:55,959
are less likely
1688
00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:55,959
to go to college,
1689
00:43:55,959 --> 00:43:57,500
more likely
1690
00:43:55,959 --> 00:43:57,500
to drop out of school.
1691
00:44:12,083 --> 00:44:15,375
In most schools
1692
00:44:12,083 --> 00:44:15,375
we start with humiliation
1693
00:44:15,375 --> 00:44:18,208
as a way to punish kids,
1694
00:44:15,375 --> 00:44:18,208
write their name on the board,
1695
00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,834
put them in the back
1696
00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,834
of the room, send them out.
1697
00:44:19,834 --> 00:44:23,792
We rarely stop and ask what's
1698
00:44:19,834 --> 00:44:23,792
behind the behavior problem,
1699
00:44:23,792 --> 00:44:25,333
why is this child acting out?
1700
00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:27,291
Denying those kids
1701
00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:27,291
learning time
1702
00:44:27,291 --> 00:44:30,125
actually has the effect
1703
00:44:27,291 --> 00:44:30,125
of pushing many of them
1704
00:44:27,291 --> 00:44:30,125
right out of school.
1705
00:44:30,125 --> 00:44:32,667
They will kick a kid
1706
00:44:30,125 --> 00:44:32,667
out of school knowing
1707
00:44:32,667 --> 00:44:35,500
that a kid who isn't reading
1708
00:44:32,667 --> 00:44:35,500
by the fourth grade
1709
00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:37,083
is going to be
1710
00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:37,083
in the prison system.
1711
00:44:37,083 --> 00:44:39,500
Well, you kicked him out
1712
00:44:37,083 --> 00:44:39,500
twice in the third grade
1713
00:44:39,500 --> 00:44:41,417
'cause he did this
1714
00:44:39,500 --> 00:44:41,417
to his teacher.
1715
00:44:41,417 --> 00:44:43,500
Ain't nobody in that
1716
00:44:41,417 --> 00:44:43,500
child's life ever hugged him.
1717
00:44:44,125 --> 00:44:46,583
Go into a
1718
00:44:44,125 --> 00:44:46,583
kindergarten class,
1719
00:44:46,583 --> 00:44:48,583
you're talking about boys,
1720
00:44:46,583 --> 00:44:48,583
they're doing this.
1721
00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:50,333
Ask them a question.
1722
00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:50,333
They can't shut up.
1723
00:44:50,333 --> 00:44:52,041
They're jumping up and down,
1724
00:44:50,333 --> 00:44:52,041
waving their hands.
1725
00:44:52,041 --> 00:44:53,709
All right.
1726
00:44:53,709 --> 00:44:57,250
Go into the same class
1727
00:44:53,709 --> 00:44:57,250
when they're in the sixth grade,
1728
00:44:57,250 --> 00:44:58,625
ask them a question.
1729
00:44:58,625 --> 00:45:00,709
What do you think?
1730
00:44:58,625 --> 00:45:00,709
"I don't know."
1731
00:45:02,667 --> 00:45:04,166
"Whatever."
1732
00:45:04,166 --> 00:45:05,875
"It's cool."
1733
00:45:05,875 --> 00:45:07,291
In those 5 years,
1734
00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:09,625
the academic pilot light
1735
00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:09,625
has started to go out
1736
00:45:09,625 --> 00:45:11,000
because they have decided
1737
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,792
that school
1738
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,792
is not the place for them.
1739
00:45:13,458 --> 00:45:16,083
The number one predictor
1740
00:45:13,458 --> 00:45:16,083
of student achievement,
1741
00:45:16,083 --> 00:45:18,709
it's the expectations
1742
00:45:16,083 --> 00:45:18,709
of the staff.
1743
00:45:18,709 --> 00:45:22,250
The school system just--
1744
00:45:18,709 --> 00:45:22,250
they didn't believe in the kids.
1745
00:45:22,250 --> 00:45:24,625
In fact, because they were
1746
00:45:22,250 --> 00:45:24,625
black and brown kids
1747
00:45:24,625 --> 00:45:26,291
they didn't think
1748
00:45:24,625 --> 00:45:26,291
they could do well.
1749
00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,250
NOGUERA:
1750
00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,250
Everybody has potential...
1751
00:45:28,250 --> 00:45:30,000
if they're provided
1752
00:45:28,250 --> 00:45:30,000
with the right support
1753
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:32,375
and the right stimulation.
1754
00:45:35,291 --> 00:45:37,417
BRANCH: I was always told
1755
00:45:35,291 --> 00:45:37,417
in elementary,
1756
00:45:37,417 --> 00:45:38,750
"Oh, you're really smart."
1757
00:45:38,750 --> 00:45:40,500
But when I got
1758
00:45:38,750 --> 00:45:40,500
to middle school,
1759
00:45:40,500 --> 00:45:42,291
you're not cool
1760
00:45:40,500 --> 00:45:42,291
if you're being smart.
1761
00:45:42,291 --> 00:45:44,417
Having good grades
1762
00:45:42,291 --> 00:45:44,417
didn't mean a whole lot.
1763
00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:46,250
It didn't mean nothing
1764
00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:46,250
on the playground
1765
00:45:46,250 --> 00:45:48,542
and so I had to figure out
1766
00:45:46,250 --> 00:45:48,542
how I was gonna fit in.
1767
00:45:48,542 --> 00:45:50,542
So I just barely slipped by.
1768
00:45:50,542 --> 00:45:52,959
It's cool to be like,
1769
00:45:50,542 --> 00:45:52,959
"I don't care.
1770
00:45:52,959 --> 00:45:56,000
Take my points.
1771
00:45:52,959 --> 00:45:56,000
Call my mama."
1772
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,375
I fell into that trap,
1773
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,375
right?
1774
00:45:58,375 --> 00:46:00,709
And it wasn't till
1775
00:45:58,375 --> 00:46:00,709
my last year of middle school
1776
00:46:00,709 --> 00:46:02,500
is when I got
1777
00:46:00,709 --> 00:46:02,500
my act together,
1778
00:46:02,500 --> 00:46:04,959
and it was a teacher
1779
00:46:02,500 --> 00:46:04,959
who kind of saved me.
1780
00:46:04,959 --> 00:46:06,709
She saw
1781
00:46:04,959 --> 00:46:06,709
enough in me to say,
1782
00:46:06,709 --> 00:46:08,667
"I know that there's something
1783
00:46:06,709 --> 00:46:08,667
going on with you.
1784
00:46:08,667 --> 00:46:11,667
"I know that your father died
1785
00:46:08,667 --> 00:46:11,667
before you were born.
1786
00:46:11,667 --> 00:46:13,875
"But you're using that
1787
00:46:11,667 --> 00:46:13,875
as an excuse.
1788
00:46:13,875 --> 00:46:15,959
You're too smart
1789
00:46:13,875 --> 00:46:15,959
to act like you're not."
1790
00:46:15,959 --> 00:46:19,458
She said, "We don't always get
1791
00:46:15,959 --> 00:46:19,458
to choose what happens to us,
1792
00:46:19,458 --> 00:46:22,333
but we have a responsibility
1793
00:46:19,458 --> 00:46:22,333
to make the most out of it."
1794
00:46:22,333 --> 00:46:25,417
And I was mad at her.
1795
00:46:22,333 --> 00:46:25,417
I was mad at this teacher.
1796
00:46:25,417 --> 00:46:26,750
I was like, I'm never
1797
00:46:25,417 --> 00:46:26,750
speaking to her again,
1798
00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:28,166
she can't talk to me
1799
00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:28,166
like that.
1800
00:46:28,166 --> 00:46:30,250
But I heard it
1801
00:46:28,166 --> 00:46:30,250
and I remembered it
1802
00:46:30,250 --> 00:46:32,291
and it changed
1803
00:46:30,250 --> 00:46:32,291
the very next day.
1804
00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:34,709
And my grades
1805
00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:34,709
transformed right then.
1806
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,250
And it was really like this
1807
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,250
idea that my mom could
1808
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,250
raise me the best she could--
1809
00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,291
there would need to be
1810
00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,291
other voices that would
1811
00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,291
help me to find my way.
1812
00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:48,917
CODY: By the time
1813
00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:48,917
my wrestling coach
1814
00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:48,917
came into my life,
1815
00:46:48,917 --> 00:46:54,750
I was really, really searching
1816
00:46:48,917 --> 00:46:54,750
for a man I wanted to resemble.
1817
00:46:54,750 --> 00:46:57,291
I guess it's the type of love
1818
00:46:54,750 --> 00:46:57,291
and admiration
1819
00:46:57,291 --> 00:46:58,583
that you're supposed to have
1820
00:46:57,291 --> 00:46:58,583
for your father,
1821
00:46:58,583 --> 00:47:00,917
I felt for my coach,
1822
00:46:58,583 --> 00:47:00,917
right off the bat.
1823
00:47:00,917 --> 00:47:04,458
And I think it was because of
1824
00:47:00,917 --> 00:47:04,458
that yearning I had to,
1825
00:47:04,458 --> 00:47:06,875
to figure out
1826
00:47:04,458 --> 00:47:06,875
what it means to be a man.
1827
00:47:06,875 --> 00:47:09,500
He was a family man,
1828
00:47:09,500 --> 00:47:12,375
he loved and cherished
1829
00:47:09,500 --> 00:47:12,375
his daughter to death.
1830
00:47:12,375 --> 00:47:16,125
I saw this man
1831
00:47:12,375 --> 00:47:16,125
that was dependable, reliable,
1832
00:47:16,125 --> 00:47:18,375
and not abusive.
1833
00:47:18,375 --> 00:47:20,166
My coach kind of stepped in
1834
00:47:18,375 --> 00:47:20,166
and showed me
1835
00:47:20,166 --> 00:47:22,458
that good men do exist.
1836
00:47:27,291 --> 00:47:28,667
EHRMANN:
1837
00:47:27,291 --> 00:47:28,667
Coaches in this country
1838
00:47:28,667 --> 00:47:30,250
have so much power,
1839
00:47:30,250 --> 00:47:32,625
such a position
1840
00:47:30,250 --> 00:47:32,625
in the lives of young people
1841
00:47:32,625 --> 00:47:35,458
that they do attain
1842
00:47:32,625 --> 00:47:35,458
this father-like status,
1843
00:47:35,458 --> 00:47:37,834
and I think you've got
1844
00:47:35,458 --> 00:47:37,834
all these young boys
1845
00:47:37,834 --> 00:47:41,667
trying to seek
1846
00:47:37,834 --> 00:47:41,667
the approval of that coach.
1847
00:47:45,625 --> 00:47:48,291
DON: I'll never forget
1848
00:47:45,625 --> 00:47:48,291
showing up in Catholic school,
1849
00:47:48,291 --> 00:47:51,208
just right away just hearing
1850
00:47:48,291 --> 00:47:51,208
how on the field, like,
1851
00:47:51,208 --> 00:47:53,000
"Hurry up, you faggots!"
1852
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:54,375
And you're just like, whoa.
1853
00:47:54,375 --> 00:47:56,959
I heard it
1854
00:47:54,375 --> 00:47:56,959
and I thought about it
1855
00:47:56,959 --> 00:48:01,500
and then one second later,
1856
00:47:56,959 --> 00:48:01,500
I adopted it.
1857
00:48:01,500 --> 00:48:03,208
EHRMANN: Coaches can do
1858
00:48:01,500 --> 00:48:03,208
an awful lot of good,
1859
00:48:03,208 --> 00:48:05,083
and an awful lot of bad.
1860
00:48:05,083 --> 00:48:09,000
I was talking
1861
00:48:05,083 --> 00:48:09,000
to a 12-year-old football player
1862
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:12,333
and I asked him the question,
1863
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:12,333
what if your coach told you
1864
00:48:12,333 --> 00:48:13,583
you were playing
1865
00:48:12,333 --> 00:48:13,583
like a girl
1866
00:48:13,583 --> 00:48:15,458
in front of
1867
00:48:13,583 --> 00:48:15,458
the rest of the players?
1868
00:48:15,458 --> 00:48:18,208
The boy told me
1869
00:48:15,458 --> 00:48:18,208
it would destroy him.
1870
00:48:18,208 --> 00:48:23,834
If it would destroy him to be
1871
00:48:18,208 --> 00:48:23,834
told he's playing like a girl,
1872
00:48:23,834 --> 00:48:28,208
what are we teaching
1873
00:48:23,834 --> 00:48:28,208
this boy about girls?
1874
00:48:28,208 --> 00:48:30,709
And actually,
1875
00:48:28,208 --> 00:48:30,709
when I say, play like a girl,
1876
00:48:30,709 --> 00:48:33,041
I'm using
1877
00:48:30,709 --> 00:48:33,041
real soft language.
1878
00:48:33,041 --> 00:48:37,250
We have much more aggressive,
1879
00:48:33,041 --> 00:48:37,250
demeaning, demonstrous,
1880
00:48:37,250 --> 00:48:41,542
dehumanizing ways of making
1881
00:48:37,250 --> 00:48:41,542
that point and making it stick.
1882
00:48:42,667 --> 00:48:44,417
Don't give me
1883
00:48:42,667 --> 00:48:44,417
that soft crap.
1884
00:48:44,417 --> 00:48:46,166
Don't cry.
1885
00:48:46,166 --> 00:48:48,041
Take your ass-whooping
1886
00:48:46,166 --> 00:48:48,041
like a man!
1887
00:48:48,041 --> 00:48:51,959
You (bleep)!
1888
00:48:48,041 --> 00:48:51,959
You're a (bleep) bleep)!
1889
00:48:51,959 --> 00:48:55,417
Sports has gotten
1890
00:48:51,959 --> 00:48:55,417
way confused in terms of power,
1891
00:48:55,417 --> 00:48:58,208
dominance, control,
1892
00:48:55,417 --> 00:48:58,208
a lack of moral clarity...
1893
00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,667
NEWS REPORTER:
1894
00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,667
Disturbing new details
1895
00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,667
about what happened
1896
00:49:00,667 --> 00:49:02,875
inside the locker room
1897
00:49:00,667 --> 00:49:02,875
at Sayerville High School.
1898
00:49:02,875 --> 00:49:05,917
They held four fellow
1899
00:49:02,875 --> 00:49:05,917
teammates against their will
1900
00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:08,417
and improperly touched them
1901
00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:08,417
in a sexual manner.
1902
00:49:08,417 --> 00:49:10,792
Racial slurs,
1903
00:49:08,417 --> 00:49:10,792
homophobic name-calling,
1904
00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,083
those are just a few
1905
00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,083
of the findings
1906
00:49:13,083 --> 00:49:16,458
on the atmosphere inside
1907
00:49:13,083 --> 00:49:16,458
the Miami Dolphins locker room.
1908
00:49:16,458 --> 00:49:19,750
We started the week,
1909
00:49:16,458 --> 00:49:19,750
players beating up women.
1910
00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:23,583
We ended the week with players
1911
00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:23,583
beating up children.
1912
00:49:23,583 --> 00:49:26,750
We are
1913
00:49:23,583 --> 00:49:26,750
in a very serious state here
1914
00:49:26,750 --> 00:49:28,917
in the National
1915
00:49:26,750 --> 00:49:28,917
Football League.
1916
00:49:28,917 --> 00:49:31,792
In a win-at-all-costs culture
1917
00:49:28,917 --> 00:49:31,792
it's strictly about
1918
00:49:31,792 --> 00:49:34,792
the win at the expense
1919
00:49:31,792 --> 00:49:34,792
of character development.
1920
00:49:34,792 --> 00:49:36,583
♪ Oh! Oh! ♪
1921
00:49:36,583 --> 00:49:39,917
♪ You could try
1922
00:49:36,583 --> 00:49:39,917
and take us, oh, oh ♪
1923
00:49:39,917 --> 00:49:43,417
♪ But we're the gladiators,
1924
00:49:39,917 --> 00:49:43,417
oh, oh ♪
1925
00:49:43,417 --> 00:49:46,542
♪ Everyone a rager,
1926
00:49:43,417 --> 00:49:46,542
oh, oh ♪
1927
00:49:46,542 --> 00:49:48,834
♪ But secretly
1928
00:49:46,542 --> 00:49:48,834
they're saviors ♪
1929
00:49:48,834 --> 00:49:52,625
♪ Glory and gore
1930
00:49:48,834 --> 00:49:52,625
go hand in hand ♪
1931
00:49:52,625 --> 00:49:54,542
♪ That's why
1932
00:49:52,625 --> 00:49:54,542
we're making headlines ♪
1933
00:49:54,542 --> 00:49:56,625
♪ Oh! Oh! ♪
1934
00:49:56,625 --> 00:49:59,792
♪ You could try
1935
00:49:56,625 --> 00:49:59,792
and take us, oh oh ♪
1936
00:49:59,792 --> 00:50:03,041
♪ But victory's contagious ♪
1937
00:50:07,041 --> 00:50:09,041
Drive, drive, block out,
1938
00:50:07,041 --> 00:50:09,041
block out, block out.
1939
00:50:09,041 --> 00:50:12,667
MAN: Set hut.
1940
00:50:09,041 --> 00:50:12,667
One, two, three, cut!
1941
00:50:12,667 --> 00:50:14,959
All right, good job, good job.
1942
00:50:12,667 --> 00:50:14,959
Ball's to your right.
1943
00:50:14,959 --> 00:50:16,750
EHRMANN: I think
1944
00:50:14,959 --> 00:50:16,750
the great myth in America
1945
00:50:16,750 --> 00:50:19,333
today is that
1946
00:50:16,750 --> 00:50:19,333
sports builds character,
1947
00:50:19,333 --> 00:50:21,125
but sports does not build
1948
00:50:19,333 --> 00:50:21,125
character
1949
00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:24,417
unless a coach intentionally
1950
00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:24,417
teaches it and models it.
1951
00:50:24,417 --> 00:50:26,166
When I did start coaching,
1952
00:50:26,166 --> 00:50:28,417
I didn't want to be
1953
00:50:26,166 --> 00:50:28,417
a transactional coach
1954
00:50:28,417 --> 00:50:31,125
using kids
1955
00:50:28,417 --> 00:50:31,125
for my own identity,
1956
00:50:31,125 --> 00:50:33,417
so I just started
1957
00:50:31,125 --> 00:50:33,417
with a very simple philosophy.
1958
00:50:33,417 --> 00:50:35,375
If you're going to be
1959
00:50:33,417 --> 00:50:35,375
a transformational coach,
1960
00:50:35,375 --> 00:50:37,875
you've got to know
1961
00:50:35,375 --> 00:50:37,875
what you're transforming.
1962
00:50:37,875 --> 00:50:42,125
I coach
1963
00:50:37,875 --> 00:50:42,125
to help boys become men
1964
00:50:37,875 --> 00:50:42,125
of empathy and integrity
1965
00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:45,208
who will be responsible
1966
00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:45,208
and change the world for good.
1967
00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:47,625
That's what sports
1968
00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:47,625
ought to be about.
1969
00:50:47,625 --> 00:50:50,709
And we've got a lot of work
1970
00:50:47,625 --> 00:50:50,709
to do in this country.
1971
00:50:52,834 --> 00:50:56,500
Many of our examples
1972
00:50:52,834 --> 00:50:56,500
of American masculinity,
1973
00:50:56,500 --> 00:51:00,333
be it in sports, military,
1974
00:50:56,500 --> 00:51:00,333
law enforcement,
1975
00:51:00,333 --> 00:51:04,083
the entertainment industry,
1976
00:51:00,333 --> 00:51:04,083
the men that men look up to,
1977
00:51:04,083 --> 00:51:07,875
a lot of what they're teaching
1978
00:51:04,083 --> 00:51:07,875
is domination, aggression.
1979
00:51:07,875 --> 00:51:12,083
They're these
1980
00:51:07,875 --> 00:51:12,083
hyper-masculine figures
1981
00:51:12,083 --> 00:51:14,041
that we try to adhere to.
1982
00:51:17,125 --> 00:51:20,542
♪ Too tough ♪
1983
00:51:20,542 --> 00:51:22,834
♪ We won't break ♪
1984
00:51:25,625 --> 00:51:27,625
♪ Dark shadows ♪
1985
00:51:27,625 --> 00:51:29,625
♪ The young pros ♪
1986
00:51:29,625 --> 00:51:33,375
♪ They blow
1987
00:51:29,625 --> 00:51:33,375
and come back tenfold ♪
1988
00:51:33,375 --> 00:51:39,834
♪ We don't need ropes
1989
00:51:33,375 --> 00:51:39,834
to climb the walls you build ♪
1990
00:51:41,875 --> 00:51:48,500
♪ Ideas and passion
1991
00:51:41,875 --> 00:51:48,500
break the bricks with you ♪
1992
00:51:48,500 --> 00:51:50,125
♪ Man up ♪
1993
00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:54,667
♪ Man up ♪
1994
00:51:56,500 --> 00:51:57,959
♪ Man up ♪
1995
00:51:59,959 --> 00:52:01,959
♪ Man up ♪
1996
00:52:04,333 --> 00:52:06,917
♪ Man up ♪
1997
00:52:06,917 --> 00:52:09,917
The average boy
1998
00:52:06,917 --> 00:52:09,917
spends 40 hours a week
1999
00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:13,083
watching television,
2000
00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:13,083
sports, movies.
2001
00:52:13,083 --> 00:52:15,083
Fifteen hours a week
2002
00:52:13,083 --> 00:52:15,083
playing videogames,
2003
00:52:15,083 --> 00:52:16,625
and now what's new is,
2004
00:52:16,625 --> 00:52:20,417
2 hours in between those
2005
00:52:16,625 --> 00:52:20,417
other things watching porn.
2006
00:52:20,417 --> 00:52:22,291
The predominant
2007
00:52:20,417 --> 00:52:22,291
male archetypes
2008
00:52:22,291 --> 00:52:23,917
that we see in film
2009
00:52:22,291 --> 00:52:23,917
and television
2010
00:52:23,917 --> 00:52:26,166
and other forms
2011
00:52:23,917 --> 00:52:26,166
of popular culture,
2012
00:52:26,166 --> 00:52:28,125
are the strong silent guy
2013
00:52:28,125 --> 00:52:31,667
who is always in control
2014
00:52:28,125 --> 00:52:31,667
and is not emotional.
2015
00:52:31,667 --> 00:52:33,792
And then we have
2016
00:52:31,667 --> 00:52:33,792
the superhero character,
2017
00:52:33,792 --> 00:52:37,333
the hero character, engaging
2018
00:52:33,792 --> 00:52:37,333
in high levels of violence
2019
00:52:37,333 --> 00:52:39,208
in order to maintain
2020
00:52:37,333 --> 00:52:39,208
that control,
2021
00:52:39,208 --> 00:52:42,500
in order to achieve whatever
2022
00:52:39,208 --> 00:52:42,500
goal he has in front of him.
2023
00:52:42,500 --> 00:52:44,542
We also have
2024
00:52:42,500 --> 00:52:44,542
the archetype of the thug,
2025
00:52:44,542 --> 00:52:46,959
and this is predominantly
2026
00:52:44,542 --> 00:52:46,959
men of color,
2027
00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:50,959
who are pigeonholed
2028
00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:50,959
into much more violent roles.
2029
00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,125
And then we have
2030
00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,125
the man child, or the mook,
2031
00:52:53,125 --> 00:52:56,291
which is the male
2032
00:52:53,125 --> 00:52:56,291
who's in perpetual adolescence.
2033
00:52:56,291 --> 00:52:59,500
His body doesn't typically
2034
00:52:56,291 --> 00:52:59,500
have a lot of muscle,
2035
00:52:59,500 --> 00:53:02,041
but he tends to project
2036
00:52:59,500 --> 00:53:02,041
masculinity in other ways,
2037
00:53:02,041 --> 00:53:03,875
through the degradation
2038
00:53:02,041 --> 00:53:03,875
of women,
2039
00:53:03,875 --> 00:53:06,041
engaging
2040
00:53:03,875 --> 00:53:06,041
in high risk activities.
2041
00:53:06,041 --> 00:53:07,458
KIMMEL: All they want to do
2042
00:53:06,041 --> 00:53:07,458
is get laid,
2043
00:53:07,458 --> 00:53:09,458
and of course, at the end,
2044
00:53:07,458 --> 00:53:09,458
nobody gets anything,
2045
00:53:09,458 --> 00:53:11,709
because they get drunk,
2046
00:53:09,458 --> 00:53:11,709
they take drugs.
2047
00:53:11,709 --> 00:53:13,208
And there have been
2048
00:53:11,709 --> 00:53:13,208
a whole rash
2049
00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:15,375
of these movies recently
2050
00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:15,375
that are funny,
2051
00:53:15,375 --> 00:53:19,333
and so you're laughing
2052
00:53:15,375 --> 00:53:19,333
at what you could become.
2053
00:53:20,125 --> 00:53:21,750
What the fuck?
2054
00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:25,000
Of course we know
2055
00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:25,000
that media images
2056
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,500
have an effect
2057
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,500
on people's behavior.
2058
00:53:27,500 --> 00:53:29,083
If there was no effect,
2059
00:53:29,083 --> 00:53:31,417
the advertising industry
2060
00:53:29,083 --> 00:53:31,417
would collapse.
2061
00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,542
Because the advertising industry
2062
00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,542
is based on the idea
2063
00:53:33,542 --> 00:53:36,500
that media images will have
2064
00:53:33,542 --> 00:53:36,500
an effect on people's behavior.
2065
00:53:36,875 --> 00:53:38,333
The same kind
2066
00:53:36,875 --> 00:53:38,333
of hyper-masculinity
2067
00:53:38,333 --> 00:53:41,291
that we see in Hollywood movies
2068
00:53:38,333 --> 00:53:41,291
or on television
2069
00:53:41,291 --> 00:53:43,000
are the same kind
2070
00:53:41,291 --> 00:53:43,000
of hyper-violence
2071
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,375
that we see in rap music
2072
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,375
and hip-hop culture.
2073
00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:49,625
The stereotype of being
2074
00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:49,625
violent and dangerous,
2075
00:53:49,625 --> 00:53:51,375
selling drugs,
2076
00:53:49,625 --> 00:53:51,375
oversexed,
2077
00:53:51,375 --> 00:53:54,500
it's all about money,
2078
00:53:51,375 --> 00:53:54,500
power and respect.
2079
00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:56,417
A lot of rappers
2080
00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:56,417
are imitating
2081
00:53:56,417 --> 00:54:01,583
what they see
2082
00:53:56,417 --> 00:54:01,583
as successful masculinity.
2083
00:54:07,709 --> 00:54:09,250
Violent videogames reinforce
2084
00:54:09,250 --> 00:54:12,250
those stereotypical structures
2085
00:54:09,250 --> 00:54:12,250
of what a man should be.
2086
00:54:12,250 --> 00:54:16,458
The typical game character
2087
00:54:12,250 --> 00:54:16,458
tend to be white males with--
2088
00:54:16,458 --> 00:54:19,208
it gets this specific--
2089
00:54:16,458 --> 00:54:19,208
brunette hair,
2090
00:54:16,458 --> 00:54:19,208
five o'clock shadow.
2091
00:54:19,208 --> 00:54:21,875
When an emotion sneaks in
2092
00:54:19,208 --> 00:54:21,875
for a male character,
2093
00:54:21,875 --> 00:54:23,834
by and large, it is anger.
2094
00:54:23,834 --> 00:54:25,917
And any sort of grief
2095
00:54:23,834 --> 00:54:25,917
is very, very underplayed
2096
00:54:25,917 --> 00:54:28,166
and never actually discussed
2097
00:54:25,917 --> 00:54:28,166
or processed.
2098
00:54:28,166 --> 00:54:29,917
Kids end up really
2099
00:54:28,166 --> 00:54:29,917
looking up to this character.
2100
00:54:29,917 --> 00:54:31,917
And what they end up
2101
00:54:29,917 --> 00:54:31,917
idolizing is someone
2102
00:54:31,917 --> 00:54:34,917
who cannot express themselves
2103
00:54:31,917 --> 00:54:34,917
emotionally,
2104
00:54:34,917 --> 00:54:38,542
cannot be honest or open
2105
00:54:34,917 --> 00:54:38,542
with anyone around them.
2106
00:54:38,542 --> 00:54:40,208
ZIMBARDO:
2107
00:54:38,542 --> 00:54:40,208
When you play video games
2108
00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:42,125
and you see
2109
00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:42,125
the same kind of setup,
2110
00:54:42,125 --> 00:54:44,083
It loses it's impact on you
2111
00:54:44,083 --> 00:54:47,041
because you habituate
2112
00:54:44,083 --> 00:54:47,041
to the sameness.
2113
00:54:47,041 --> 00:54:48,917
The video game companies
2114
00:54:47,041 --> 00:54:48,917
know this
2115
00:54:48,917 --> 00:54:50,834
and they give you
2116
00:54:48,917 --> 00:54:50,834
endless variety--
2117
00:54:50,834 --> 00:54:53,291
a new category,
2118
00:54:50,834 --> 00:54:53,291
a new challenge,
2119
00:54:53,291 --> 00:54:54,834
you're moving up ranks.
2120
00:54:54,834 --> 00:54:58,583
They are creating
2121
00:54:54,834 --> 00:54:58,583
this arousal addiction.
2122
00:54:58,583 --> 00:55:02,417
Boys' brains are being
2123
00:54:58,583 --> 00:55:02,417
digitally rewired
2124
00:54:58,583 --> 00:55:02,417
to this technology
2125
00:55:02,417 --> 00:55:04,917
where things happen like this--
2126
00:55:02,417 --> 00:55:04,917
microseconds.
2127
00:55:09,667 --> 00:55:11,750
The ones
2128
00:55:09,667 --> 00:55:11,750
that are most addictive
2129
00:55:11,750 --> 00:55:13,959
are the most violent,
2130
00:55:11,750 --> 00:55:13,959
where your job
2131
00:55:13,959 --> 00:55:16,834
is to destroy the enemy,
2132
00:55:13,959 --> 00:55:16,834
to dominate.
2133
00:55:16,834 --> 00:55:18,166
If you don't have
2134
00:55:16,834 --> 00:55:18,166
social connection
2135
00:55:18,166 --> 00:55:19,625
and you don't have
2136
00:55:18,166 --> 00:55:19,625
a lot of friends,
2137
00:55:19,625 --> 00:55:20,792
or you have
2138
00:55:19,625 --> 00:55:20,792
a crappy home life,
2139
00:55:20,792 --> 00:55:22,083
you can escape into a game.
2140
00:55:22,083 --> 00:55:23,375
And you don't have to worry
2141
00:55:23,375 --> 00:55:25,375
because
2142
00:55:23,375 --> 00:55:25,375
you're saving the galaxy.
2143
00:55:25,375 --> 00:55:28,709
If your kid sits
2144
00:55:25,375 --> 00:55:28,709
in front of a screen
2145
00:55:25,375 --> 00:55:28,709
for 4 hours a day
2146
00:55:28,709 --> 00:55:31,000
and shoots and kills
2147
00:55:28,709 --> 00:55:31,000
in a repetitive,
2148
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,792
violent way,
2149
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,792
hundreds of people,
2150
00:55:32,792 --> 00:55:35,792
there's a good chance
2151
00:55:32,792 --> 00:55:35,792
that kid is going to be
2152
00:55:32,792 --> 00:55:35,792
impacted by that.
2153
00:55:47,333 --> 00:55:50,250
There's a reason
2154
00:55:47,333 --> 00:55:50,250
the US Army trains people
2155
00:55:50,250 --> 00:55:52,792
for combat
2156
00:55:50,250 --> 00:55:52,792
by using video games.
2157
00:55:52,792 --> 00:55:53,959
It's because
2158
00:55:52,792 --> 00:55:53,959
it gets them used to
2159
00:55:53,959 --> 00:55:55,000
some of the experiences.
2160
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:56,792
Well, put your 10- or 11-
2161
00:55:56,792 --> 00:55:58,625
or 12-year-old son
2162
00:55:56,792 --> 00:55:58,625
in that context.
2163
00:55:58,625 --> 00:56:01,375
But they're not going
2164
00:55:58,625 --> 00:56:01,375
into Iraq or Afghanistan.
2165
00:56:01,375 --> 00:56:02,583
And if they happen to live
2166
00:56:02,583 --> 00:56:04,208
in a more dangerous
2167
00:56:02,583 --> 00:56:04,208
neighborhood,
2168
00:56:04,208 --> 00:56:05,834
or a neighborhood
2169
00:56:04,208 --> 00:56:05,834
where they're exposed
2170
00:56:05,834 --> 00:56:07,500
to violence more routinely
2171
00:56:05,834 --> 00:56:07,500
than they might be
2172
00:56:07,500 --> 00:56:08,792
in some fancy part of town,
2173
00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:10,250
then that's gonna be
2174
00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:10,250
a bigger issue.
2175
00:56:10,250 --> 00:56:13,125
I share this story with my kids:
2176
00:56:10,250 --> 00:56:13,125
garbage in, garbage out.
2177
00:56:13,125 --> 00:56:16,333
Wake up in the morning,
2178
00:56:13,125 --> 00:56:16,333
it's Friday. They're going
2179
00:56:13,125 --> 00:56:16,333
to a party that night.
2180
00:56:16,333 --> 00:56:18,667
They supposed to be at school,
2181
00:56:16,333 --> 00:56:18,667
they woke up late,
2182
00:56:18,667 --> 00:56:22,125
but the first thing
2183
00:56:18,667 --> 00:56:22,125
that they turn on
2184
00:56:18,667 --> 00:56:22,125
is the radio or their CD.
2185
00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:26,500
And the song is,
2186
00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:26,500
( beatboxing )
2187
00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:26,500
♪ Kill a motherfucker ♪
2188
00:56:26,500 --> 00:56:28,166
♪ Kill a motherfucker
2189
00:56:26,500 --> 00:56:28,166
twice ♪
2190
00:56:28,166 --> 00:56:30,583
Now, while they're playing
2191
00:56:28,166 --> 00:56:30,583
their video game,
2192
00:56:30,583 --> 00:56:33,083
it's "kill a motherfucker."
2193
00:56:33,083 --> 00:56:36,750
Then, they drinking or using
2194
00:56:36,750 --> 00:56:39,083
some type of substance
2195
00:56:36,750 --> 00:56:39,083
before the party.
2196
00:56:39,083 --> 00:56:41,375
I tell them there's going to be
2197
00:56:39,083 --> 00:56:41,375
50 guys at the party,
2198
00:56:41,375 --> 00:56:44,000
all of them who listen
2199
00:56:41,375 --> 00:56:44,000
to the same song you did,
2200
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,291
all of them who played
2201
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,291
the same video games you did,
2202
00:56:46,291 --> 00:56:49,208
all of them who took up
2203
00:56:46,291 --> 00:56:49,208
on the same drugs that you did,
2204
00:56:49,208 --> 00:56:51,709
all of them who had
2205
00:56:49,208 --> 00:56:51,709
the same armament that you have,
2206
00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:53,792
and then soon
2207
00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:53,792
as I walk in the party
2208
00:56:53,792 --> 00:56:55,709
and accidentally
2209
00:56:53,792 --> 00:56:55,709
step on your foot
2210
00:56:55,709 --> 00:56:58,625
at the same time
2211
00:56:55,709 --> 00:56:58,625
the DJ puts on the turntable
2212
00:56:55,709 --> 00:56:58,625
"Kill a motherfucker,"
2213
00:56:58,625 --> 00:57:01,583
what's going to happen
2214
00:56:58,625 --> 00:57:01,583
at that party?
2215
00:56:58,625 --> 00:57:01,583
Somebody gonna die.
2216
00:57:01,583 --> 00:57:04,166
♪ Got blood on my hands
2217
00:57:01,583 --> 00:57:04,166
I got time to kill ♪
2218
00:57:04,166 --> 00:57:06,375
♪ I'm a menace to society,
2219
00:57:04,166 --> 00:57:06,375
yeah ♪
2220
00:57:06,375 --> 00:57:07,917
♪ When you see me
2221
00:57:06,375 --> 00:57:07,917
in your hood ♪
2222
00:57:07,917 --> 00:57:09,083
♪ Bet I'm up to no good ♪
2223
00:57:09,083 --> 00:57:11,417
♪ I'm a menace to society,
2224
00:57:09,083 --> 00:57:11,417
yeah ♪
2225
00:57:11,417 --> 00:57:14,208
♪ I'm a menace to society,
2226
00:57:11,417 --> 00:57:14,208
yeah ♪
2227
00:57:14,625 --> 00:57:15,875
HELDMAN:
2228
00:57:14,625 --> 00:57:15,875
The Surgeon General
2229
00:57:15,875 --> 00:57:18,125
put together a task force
2230
00:57:15,875 --> 00:57:18,125
to study this.
2231
00:57:18,125 --> 00:57:19,583
Three major findings,
2232
00:57:19,583 --> 00:57:22,250
which have been replicated
2233
00:57:19,583 --> 00:57:22,250
hundreds of times since,
2234
00:57:22,250 --> 00:57:25,750
that exposure to violent media
2235
00:57:22,250 --> 00:57:25,750
often leads little boys
2236
00:57:25,750 --> 00:57:28,542
to be less sensitive to the
2237
00:57:25,750 --> 00:57:28,542
pain and suffering of others,
2238
00:57:28,542 --> 00:57:30,583
it leads them to be
2239
00:57:28,542 --> 00:57:30,583
more fearful of the world,
2240
00:57:30,583 --> 00:57:32,875
and it leads them
2241
00:57:30,583 --> 00:57:32,875
to engage in behaviors
2242
00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417
that are more aggressive
2243
00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417
towards others
2244
00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417
and towards themselves.
2245
00:57:35,417 --> 00:57:37,917
They're not the only things
2246
00:57:35,417 --> 00:57:37,917
that cause violence
2247
00:57:37,917 --> 00:57:39,959
with young people
2248
00:57:37,917 --> 00:57:39,959
and with adult men,
2249
00:57:40,625 --> 00:57:42,834
but they're pretty
2250
00:57:40,625 --> 00:57:42,834
potent predictors.
2251
00:57:49,709 --> 00:57:53,000
Childhood is a sequence
2252
00:57:49,709 --> 00:57:53,000
of revealed secrets.
2253
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:56,709
Today, there is no sequence
2254
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:56,709
of revealed secrets.
2255
00:57:56,709 --> 00:57:59,000
Kids are exposed to porn
2256
00:57:56,709 --> 00:57:59,000
at age 5 or 6
2257
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:00,458
because they're
2258
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:00,458
in the middle of a video game
2259
00:58:00,458 --> 00:58:01,625
and something pops up
2260
00:58:01,625 --> 00:58:03,333
or they click
2261
00:58:01,625 --> 00:58:03,333
on the wrong website.
2262
00:58:14,542 --> 00:58:16,291
I started seeing it
2263
00:58:14,542 --> 00:58:16,291
more and more,
2264
00:58:16,291 --> 00:58:17,834
I started seeing it
2265
00:58:16,291 --> 00:58:17,834
in other places,
2266
00:58:17,834 --> 00:58:20,375
like music, pictures,
2267
00:58:17,834 --> 00:58:20,375
magazines.
2268
00:58:34,166 --> 00:58:37,291
With my group of friends,
2269
00:58:34,166 --> 00:58:37,291
it's more taboo to talk about,
2270
00:58:37,291 --> 00:58:39,291
it's kind of like
2271
00:58:37,291 --> 00:58:39,291
something like, okay,
2272
00:58:39,291 --> 00:58:40,959
everyone knows that
2273
00:58:39,291 --> 00:58:40,959
I'll watch it,
2274
00:58:40,959 --> 00:58:42,250
but let's just like
2275
00:58:40,959 --> 00:58:42,250
not talk about it,
2276
00:58:42,250 --> 00:58:44,000
because
2277
00:58:42,250 --> 00:58:44,000
it's extremely awkward.
2278
00:58:44,959 --> 00:58:48,000
Ladies, your man is nastier
2279
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:50,625
than you ever imagined.
2280
00:58:50,625 --> 00:58:56,041
Your man has been watching porno
2281
00:58:50,625 --> 00:58:56,041
since he was 12 years old.
2282
00:59:05,125 --> 00:59:07,291
Because of abstinence-only
2283
00:59:05,125 --> 00:59:07,291
sex education,
2284
00:59:07,291 --> 00:59:09,208
because of
2285
00:59:07,291 --> 00:59:09,208
the unbelievable shame
2286
00:59:09,208 --> 00:59:12,041
that our culture has
2287
00:59:09,208 --> 00:59:12,041
around sexuality,
2288
00:59:12,041 --> 00:59:14,625
pornography is sex education
2289
00:59:12,041 --> 00:59:14,625
for most people.
2290
00:59:19,875 --> 00:59:23,333
At the touch of a button,
2291
00:59:19,875 --> 00:59:23,333
anybody, at any age,
2292
00:59:23,333 --> 00:59:27,333
anywhere in the world,
2293
00:59:23,333 --> 00:59:27,333
can have a panoply
2294
00:59:27,333 --> 00:59:31,333
of sexual experiences--
2295
00:59:27,333 --> 00:59:31,333
visual sexual experiences.
2296
00:59:31,333 --> 00:59:33,458
Your brain is being affected.
2297
00:59:33,458 --> 00:59:36,083
Dopamine receptors
2298
00:59:33,458 --> 00:59:36,083
are being over-activated
2299
00:59:36,083 --> 00:59:39,709
and you get addicted
2300
00:59:36,083 --> 00:59:39,709
to this visual stimulation.
2301
00:59:39,709 --> 00:59:43,667
And the problem is the excess,
2302
00:59:39,709 --> 00:59:43,667
and it's in social isolation.
2303
00:59:43,667 --> 00:59:46,750
Jimmy is in his room alone
2304
00:59:43,667 --> 00:59:46,750
doing this.
2305
00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:49,500
He's cutting himself off
2306
00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:49,500
from friends, family,
2307
00:59:49,500 --> 00:59:52,834
and knowing how to relate
2308
00:59:49,500 --> 00:59:52,834
to girls and women.
2309
00:59:52,834 --> 00:59:56,041
If you're a teenager,
2310
00:59:52,834 --> 00:59:56,041
who's had no sexual experience,
2311
00:59:56,041 --> 00:59:58,375
this becomes
2312
00:59:56,041 --> 00:59:58,375
the social norm.
2313
00:59:58,375 --> 01:00:01,792
And the assumption is
2314
00:59:58,375 --> 01:00:01,792
this is what is right to do,
2315
01:00:01,792 --> 01:00:03,959
this is what women want
2316
01:00:03,959 --> 01:00:06,792
and this is how men
2317
01:00:03,959 --> 01:00:06,792
are supposed to perform.
2318
01:00:06,792 --> 01:00:10,125
And all of those are wrong.
2319
01:00:10,125 --> 01:00:12,959
The way that boys and men
2320
01:00:10,125 --> 01:00:12,959
have been trained to think about
2321
01:00:12,959 --> 01:00:17,291
and objectify women's bodies
2322
01:00:12,959 --> 01:00:17,291
and purchase women's bodies,
2323
01:00:17,291 --> 01:00:20,291
whether it's directly
2324
01:00:17,291 --> 01:00:20,291
in prostitution
2325
01:00:20,291 --> 01:00:22,834
or indirectly in pornography,
2326
01:00:20,291 --> 01:00:22,834
and somehow
2327
01:00:22,834 --> 01:00:25,917
that has no relation to how they
2328
01:00:22,834 --> 01:00:25,917
think about themselves
2329
01:00:25,917 --> 01:00:27,542
as sexual beings
2330
01:00:25,917 --> 01:00:27,542
and women's sexuality?
2331
01:00:27,542 --> 01:00:29,625
To me it's naive to think
2332
01:00:27,542 --> 01:00:29,625
that there's no connection.
2333
01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:31,625
It seemed like
2334
01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:31,625
they were attacking her.
2335
01:00:31,625 --> 01:00:33,750
And it didn't make
2336
01:00:31,625 --> 01:00:33,750
any sense to me as to,
2337
01:00:33,750 --> 01:00:34,959
is this the actual thing?
2338
01:00:34,959 --> 01:00:36,333
Like does this
2339
01:00:34,959 --> 01:00:36,333
actually happen?
2340
01:00:47,375 --> 01:00:49,792
I think we have to be
2341
01:00:47,375 --> 01:00:49,792
honest with our sons
2342
01:00:49,792 --> 01:00:52,959
that our culture
2343
01:00:49,792 --> 01:00:52,959
is sending mixed messages
2344
01:00:49,792 --> 01:00:52,959
all over the place.
2345
01:00:52,959 --> 01:00:55,458
Boys might be
2346
01:00:52,959 --> 01:00:55,458
going to pornography
2347
01:00:55,458 --> 01:00:57,291
because they have
2348
01:00:55,458 --> 01:00:57,291
the sexual impulse,
2349
01:00:57,291 --> 01:00:59,709
but what they get when they
2350
01:00:57,291 --> 01:00:59,709
get there is not just sex.
2351
01:00:59,709 --> 01:01:02,792
It's incredible levels
2352
01:00:59,709 --> 01:01:02,792
of normalized brutality
2353
01:01:02,792 --> 01:01:06,291
and sexism that's associated
2354
01:01:02,792 --> 01:01:06,291
with the sexual act.
2355
01:01:06,291 --> 01:01:08,166
Somehow those boys
2356
01:01:06,291 --> 01:01:08,166
are supposed to develop
2357
01:01:08,166 --> 01:01:10,291
healthy sexual relationships
2358
01:01:08,166 --> 01:01:10,291
with girls and with women?
2359
01:01:22,625 --> 01:01:24,083
We have a rape culture.
2360
01:01:24,083 --> 01:01:26,250
What that means is that
2361
01:01:24,083 --> 01:01:26,250
individual rapists
2362
01:01:26,250 --> 01:01:28,291
aren't just
2363
01:01:26,250 --> 01:01:28,291
crawling out of the swamp,
2364
01:01:28,291 --> 01:01:30,834
they're being produced
2365
01:01:28,291 --> 01:01:30,834
by our culture.
2366
01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:34,333
Two star high school
2367
01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:34,333
football players
2368
01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:34,333
have been found guilty
2369
01:01:34,333 --> 01:01:36,125
of raping
2370
01:01:34,333 --> 01:01:36,125
a West Virginia teenager.
2371
01:01:36,125 --> 01:01:37,542
A freshman at Stanford
2372
01:01:36,125 --> 01:01:37,542
University
2373
01:01:37,542 --> 01:01:39,500
and a member
2374
01:01:37,542 --> 01:01:39,500
of the swim team
2375
01:01:39,500 --> 01:01:42,208
was accused of raping
2376
01:01:39,500 --> 01:01:42,208
a drunk unconscious woman.
2377
01:01:42,208 --> 01:01:45,041
Two cyclists witnessed him
2378
01:01:42,208 --> 01:01:45,041
raping the woman,
2379
01:01:45,041 --> 01:01:46,709
they chased him down
2380
01:01:45,041 --> 01:01:46,709
and called police.
2381
01:01:46,709 --> 01:01:49,208
Former Vanderbilt
2382
01:01:46,709 --> 01:01:49,208
football players are convicted
2383
01:01:49,208 --> 01:01:51,208
of raping
2384
01:01:49,208 --> 01:01:51,208
an unconscious classmate
2385
01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:53,333
in the Vanderbilt dorm room
2386
01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:53,333
on campus
2387
01:01:53,333 --> 01:01:56,041
and then taking video
2388
01:01:53,333 --> 01:01:56,041
with their phones.
2389
01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:59,625
As a young man,
2390
01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:59,625
you're taught
2391
01:01:59,625 --> 01:02:02,417
a man is supposed to
2392
01:01:59,625 --> 01:02:02,417
always be on the prowl.
2393
01:02:02,417 --> 01:02:04,917
A man is supposed to
2394
01:02:02,417 --> 01:02:04,917
always be aggressive.
2395
01:02:04,917 --> 01:02:06,875
They say things like,
2396
01:02:06,875 --> 01:02:10,750
"Who's that?
2397
01:02:06,875 --> 01:02:10,750
I'd like to hit that.
2398
01:02:10,750 --> 01:02:14,083
I'd like a piece of that.
2399
01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,375
I'd like to tear
2400
01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,375
that shit up."
2401
01:02:16,375 --> 01:02:19,583
So think about it:
2402
01:02:16,375 --> 01:02:19,583
"Hit." Violence.
2403
01:02:19,583 --> 01:02:21,709
"Tear." Violence.
2404
01:02:21,709 --> 01:02:23,750
"It." Object.
2405
01:02:23,750 --> 01:02:25,709
"That." Object.
2406
01:02:25,709 --> 01:02:29,291
We're actually teaching them,
2407
01:02:25,709 --> 01:02:29,291
consciously and subconsciously,
2408
01:02:29,291 --> 01:02:33,750
on purpose or not, not to see
2409
01:02:29,291 --> 01:02:33,750
the humanity in girls.
2410
01:02:40,542 --> 01:02:44,250
We live in a world,
2411
01:02:40,542 --> 01:02:44,250
right here in our country,
2412
01:02:44,250 --> 01:02:46,208
where men's violence
2413
01:02:44,250 --> 01:02:46,208
against women
2414
01:02:46,208 --> 01:02:48,792
is at epidemic proportions.
2415
01:02:53,667 --> 01:02:55,125
IAN:
2416
01:02:53,667 --> 01:02:55,125
My first year in high school,
2417
01:02:55,125 --> 01:02:58,917
I was going to a dance
2418
01:02:55,125 --> 01:02:58,917
with a woman.
2419
01:02:58,917 --> 01:03:01,667
And I was standing
2420
01:02:58,917 --> 01:03:01,667
next to a guy,
2421
01:03:01,667 --> 01:03:04,792
and she was walking away
2422
01:03:01,667 --> 01:03:04,792
after talking to me.
2423
01:03:04,792 --> 01:03:08,208
And she was wearing
2424
01:03:04,792 --> 01:03:08,208
fairly tight pants.
2425
01:03:08,208 --> 01:03:10,000
And he said,
2426
01:03:08,208 --> 01:03:10,000
"Oh, now I understand
2427
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,583
why someone would
2428
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,583
rape someone."
2429
01:03:12,583 --> 01:03:16,750
The way in which
2430
01:03:12,583 --> 01:03:16,750
I've experienced men talk,
2431
01:03:16,750 --> 01:03:20,083
oftentimes it involves
2432
01:03:16,750 --> 01:03:20,083
doing things to women
2433
01:03:20,083 --> 01:03:23,542
that don't seem like
2434
01:03:20,083 --> 01:03:23,542
they're particularly consensual.
2435
01:03:25,959 --> 01:03:27,458
When I went to college,
2436
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:30,834
there was this pressure
2437
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:30,834
to engage in hookup culture.
2438
01:03:30,834 --> 01:03:34,625
Alcohol was this tool
2439
01:03:30,834 --> 01:03:34,625
for me to be assertive
2440
01:03:34,625 --> 01:03:40,041
and aggressive and predatory,
2441
01:03:34,625 --> 01:03:40,041
to find women to have sex with,
2442
01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:43,125
so that I could go back
2443
01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:43,125
and impress other men with it.
2444
01:03:43,834 --> 01:03:45,917
Particularly around
2445
01:03:43,834 --> 01:03:45,917
just other guys,
2446
01:03:45,917 --> 01:03:47,709
you're always
2447
01:03:45,917 --> 01:03:47,709
one-upping the other person,
2448
01:03:47,709 --> 01:03:51,041
talking about a woman's ass
2449
01:03:47,709 --> 01:03:51,041
or her breasts.
2450
01:03:51,041 --> 01:03:53,291
There's an implied sense that
2451
01:03:53,291 --> 01:03:55,792
women exist for us
2452
01:03:53,291 --> 01:03:55,792
to have sex with them.
2453
01:03:55,792 --> 01:03:57,625
They exist for us.
2454
01:03:57,625 --> 01:04:03,166
I don't think that we think
2455
01:03:57,625 --> 01:04:03,166
about the implications of that.
2456
01:04:18,709 --> 01:04:21,792
I call what we do
2457
01:04:18,709 --> 01:04:21,792
to our little boys and men
2458
01:04:21,792 --> 01:04:23,166
"the great setup."
2459
01:04:23,166 --> 01:04:25,125
We raise boys to become men
2460
01:04:25,125 --> 01:04:28,583
whose very identity is based
2461
01:04:25,125 --> 01:04:28,583
on rejecting the feminine,
2462
01:04:28,583 --> 01:04:30,166
and then we are surprised
2463
01:04:30,166 --> 01:04:33,125
when they don't see women
2464
01:04:30,166 --> 01:04:33,125
as being fully human.
2465
01:04:33,125 --> 01:04:34,291
So we set them up.
2466
01:04:34,291 --> 01:04:37,417
We set boys up
2467
01:04:34,291 --> 01:04:37,417
to grow into men
2468
01:04:37,417 --> 01:04:40,041
who disrespect women
2469
01:04:37,417 --> 01:04:40,041
at a fundamental level
2470
01:04:40,041 --> 01:04:42,834
and then we wonder why we have
2471
01:04:40,041 --> 01:04:42,834
the culture that we have.
2472
01:04:45,583 --> 01:04:46,625
KIMMEL:
2473
01:04:45,583 --> 01:04:46,625
Basically what you have
2474
01:04:46,625 --> 01:04:48,875
on college campuses
2475
01:04:46,625 --> 01:04:48,875
is young men
2476
01:04:48,875 --> 01:04:51,458
desperate to prove
2477
01:04:48,875 --> 01:04:51,458
their masculinity,
2478
01:04:51,458 --> 01:04:54,625
so you have 18-year-olds trying
2479
01:04:51,458 --> 01:04:54,625
to prove it to 19 year olds.
2480
01:04:54,625 --> 01:04:56,417
That's a recipe for failure.
2481
01:04:57,834 --> 01:05:00,792
The hooking up,
2482
01:04:57,834 --> 01:05:00,792
the initiations, the hazing--
2483
01:05:00,792 --> 01:05:03,667
what do they get in return?
2484
01:05:00,792 --> 01:05:03,667
They get two things.
2485
01:05:03,667 --> 01:05:06,000
These are the bonds
2486
01:05:03,667 --> 01:05:06,000
that are the most impermeable,
2487
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:07,709
the ones that will
2488
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:07,709
last you a lifetime,
2489
01:05:07,709 --> 01:05:11,500
and you also get the feeling
2490
01:05:07,709 --> 01:05:11,500
that girls can't do this.
2491
01:05:11,500 --> 01:05:15,542
So you get both, horizontal
2492
01:05:11,500 --> 01:05:15,542
solidarity with your bros,
2493
01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:19,250
and hierarchy--
2494
01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:19,250
men are superior to women.
2495
01:05:20,667 --> 01:05:23,667
The most important dicta
2496
01:05:20,667 --> 01:05:23,667
of the Bro Code
2497
01:05:23,667 --> 01:05:25,792
is you never rat out
2498
01:05:23,667 --> 01:05:25,792
the brotherhood.
2499
01:05:25,792 --> 01:05:28,917
You never, ever,
2500
01:05:25,792 --> 01:05:28,917
betray that brotherhood,
2501
01:05:28,917 --> 01:05:34,667
so this leads to the notion
2502
01:05:28,917 --> 01:05:34,667
that surrounding bad things,
2503
01:05:34,667 --> 01:05:36,792
there's a code of silence.
2504
01:05:36,792 --> 01:05:39,208
What happens is,
2505
01:05:36,792 --> 01:05:39,208
their heads and their hearts
2506
01:05:39,208 --> 01:05:41,542
actually come into conflict
2507
01:05:41,542 --> 01:05:43,417
because their hearts
2508
01:05:41,542 --> 01:05:43,417
may be saying,
2509
01:05:43,417 --> 01:05:46,333
"This is wrong.
2510
01:05:43,417 --> 01:05:46,333
I know this is wrong.
2511
01:05:46,333 --> 01:05:49,417
My ethical compass tells me
2512
01:05:46,333 --> 01:05:49,417
this is wrong.
2513
01:05:49,417 --> 01:05:50,917
I should do
2514
01:05:49,417 --> 01:05:50,917
something about it.
2515
01:05:50,917 --> 01:05:52,917
A man would act."
2516
01:05:52,917 --> 01:05:55,083
And on the other hand,
2517
01:05:52,917 --> 01:05:55,083
"But these are my bros.
2518
01:05:55,083 --> 01:05:56,333
I can't betray them.
2519
01:05:56,333 --> 01:05:59,500
If I do,
2520
01:05:56,333 --> 01:05:59,500
they'll marginalize me."
2521
01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:02,709
This is the fear
2522
01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:02,709
that so many men have
2523
01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:05,750
that keeps them
2524
01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:05,750
from acting ethically.
2525
01:06:05,750 --> 01:06:08,875
A girl was repeatedly attacked
2526
01:06:05,750 --> 01:06:08,875
for two and a half hours
2527
01:06:08,875 --> 01:06:11,375
and as many as 20 people
2528
01:06:08,875 --> 01:06:11,375
either took part
2529
01:06:11,375 --> 01:06:12,625
or stood by and watched.
2530
01:06:12,625 --> 01:06:14,750
Many did not step up to help,
2531
01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:17,417
but nearly all got out
2532
01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:17,417
their cell phones
2533
01:06:17,417 --> 01:06:19,417
and started snapping pictures
2534
01:06:17,417 --> 01:06:19,417
and Tweeting.
2535
01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:22,291
MAN:
2536
01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:22,291
Three top Penn State officials
2537
01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:22,291
are likely to stand trial
2538
01:06:22,291 --> 01:06:25,583
on charges they covered up
2539
01:06:22,291 --> 01:06:25,583
years of Sandusky's abuse.
2540
01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:28,166
Another adult man
2541
01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:28,166
has now resigned
2542
01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:31,125
amid accusations
2543
01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:31,125
he knew there was a problem
2544
01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:31,125
and did nothing.
2545
01:06:31,125 --> 01:06:33,709
Intentionally or by neglect,
2546
01:06:31,125 --> 01:06:33,709
the Baltimore Ravens,
2547
01:06:33,709 --> 01:06:36,208
the National Football League,
2548
01:06:33,709 --> 01:06:36,208
and Commissioner Roger Goodell
2549
01:06:36,208 --> 01:06:39,458
have conducted a cover-up
2550
01:06:36,208 --> 01:06:39,458
of Ray Rice's brutal assault
2551
01:06:39,458 --> 01:06:41,542
on his then-fiancée
2552
01:06:39,458 --> 01:06:41,542
on February 15.
2553
01:06:41,542 --> 01:06:43,166
MAN 1: The severity
2554
01:06:41,542 --> 01:06:43,166
of Rice's attack
2555
01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:45,333
was clear almost immediately
2556
01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:45,333
after the assault.
2557
01:06:45,333 --> 01:06:47,458
MAN 2:
2558
01:06:45,333 --> 01:06:47,458
The NFL did have the evidence
2559
01:06:47,458 --> 01:06:48,834
that the police department did.
2560
01:06:48,834 --> 01:06:51,333
The league
2561
01:06:48,834 --> 01:06:51,333
is still not responding.
2562
01:06:51,333 --> 01:06:54,125
There are forces at work
2563
01:06:51,333 --> 01:06:54,125
in male peer culture
2564
01:06:54,125 --> 01:06:55,542
that keep men silent,
2565
01:06:55,542 --> 01:06:57,625
even men who know
2566
01:06:55,542 --> 01:06:57,625
that something is wrong,
2567
01:06:57,625 --> 01:06:59,291
they don't say anything
2568
01:06:57,625 --> 01:06:59,291
or do anything
2569
01:06:59,291 --> 01:07:02,125
because they
2570
01:06:59,291 --> 01:07:02,125
make a calculation
2571
01:07:02,125 --> 01:07:03,625
that if they say
2572
01:07:02,125 --> 01:07:03,625
or do something,
2573
01:07:03,625 --> 01:07:05,792
it'll lose them status
2574
01:07:03,625 --> 01:07:05,792
within their peer culture.
2575
01:07:05,792 --> 01:07:08,083
There's a choice.
2576
01:07:08,083 --> 01:07:11,709
And many times the choice
2577
01:07:08,083 --> 01:07:11,709
is rooted in our privilege.
2578
01:07:11,709 --> 01:07:15,500
So while we as good men
2579
01:07:11,709 --> 01:07:15,500
don't perpetrate the violence,
2580
01:07:15,500 --> 01:07:18,792
we are part
2581
01:07:15,500 --> 01:07:18,792
of the collective socialization,
2582
01:07:18,792 --> 01:07:20,667
the fertile ground
2583
01:07:18,792 --> 01:07:20,667
that's required
2584
01:07:20,667 --> 01:07:22,875
for the violence to exist.
2585
01:07:31,875 --> 01:07:35,917
I worked for 10 years
2586
01:07:31,875 --> 01:07:35,917
in the jails of San Francisco
2587
01:07:35,917 --> 01:07:38,000
in a program
2588
01:07:35,917 --> 01:07:38,000
that included a project
2589
01:07:38,000 --> 01:07:40,834
to deconstruct
2590
01:07:38,000 --> 01:07:40,834
and reconstruct
2591
01:07:40,834 --> 01:07:43,667
what we call
2592
01:07:40,834 --> 01:07:43,667
the male role belief system,
2593
01:07:43,667 --> 01:07:45,375
to which I think
2594
01:07:43,667 --> 01:07:45,375
virtually all men
2595
01:07:45,375 --> 01:07:47,667
in our society are exposed.
2596
01:07:47,667 --> 01:07:51,792
Men are defined as superior,
2597
01:07:47,667 --> 01:07:51,792
and women as inferior.
2598
01:07:51,792 --> 01:07:55,250
And to be a real man,
2599
01:07:51,792 --> 01:07:55,250
you also dominate other men.
2600
01:07:55,250 --> 01:07:57,834
So in other words,
2601
01:07:55,250 --> 01:07:57,834
this is a recipe for violence.
2602
01:08:04,208 --> 01:08:08,542
My mom gave birth to me 4 days
2603
01:08:04,208 --> 01:08:08,542
before her 17th birthday,
2604
01:08:08,542 --> 01:08:10,291
and so she was
2605
01:08:08,542 --> 01:08:10,291
a young girl
2606
01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:14,000
and she projected
2607
01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:14,000
a lot of that trauma on to me.
2608
01:08:15,208 --> 01:08:16,709
My mother had like this,
2609
01:08:16,709 --> 01:08:18,750
like just a rage
2610
01:08:16,709 --> 01:08:18,750
towards me to this day.
2611
01:08:18,750 --> 01:08:20,417
And I remember her
2612
01:08:18,750 --> 01:08:20,417
kicking me down the hallway
2613
01:08:20,417 --> 01:08:22,750
and choking me
2614
01:08:20,417 --> 01:08:22,750
and slapping me.
2615
01:08:22,750 --> 01:08:24,375
And...
2616
01:08:24,375 --> 01:08:27,750
and the worst part about this
2617
01:08:24,375 --> 01:08:27,750
was not the physical part of it,
2618
01:08:27,750 --> 01:08:30,750
'cause that was normal
2619
01:08:27,750 --> 01:08:30,750
for me at that time.
2620
01:08:30,750 --> 01:08:35,709
It was afterwards she took
2621
01:08:30,750 --> 01:08:35,709
a Polaroid picture of me...
2622
01:08:35,709 --> 01:08:37,083
crying.
2623
01:08:37,083 --> 01:08:38,875
And I don't remember
2624
01:08:37,083 --> 01:08:38,875
her exact words,
2625
01:08:38,875 --> 01:08:41,792
but I remember
2626
01:08:38,875 --> 01:08:41,792
her shaming me.
2627
01:08:41,792 --> 01:08:43,834
And I couldn't figure out
2628
01:08:41,792 --> 01:08:43,834
what it was
2629
01:08:43,834 --> 01:08:46,250
that was so wrong
2630
01:08:43,834 --> 01:08:46,250
with me, that...
2631
01:08:46,250 --> 01:08:49,583
why, especially at that age,
2632
01:08:46,250 --> 01:08:49,583
why did I deserve this?
2633
01:08:57,625 --> 01:09:02,625
I was molested
2634
01:08:57,625 --> 01:09:02,625
by one of my siblings' father.
2635
01:09:02,625 --> 01:09:06,083
He took me into his bedroom,
2636
01:09:02,625 --> 01:09:06,083
closed the door
2637
01:09:06,083 --> 01:09:07,750
and then I remember
2638
01:09:06,083 --> 01:09:07,750
questioning in my mind like,
2639
01:09:07,750 --> 01:09:09,750
why did he close the door?
2640
01:09:09,750 --> 01:09:14,000
He asked me to pull down
2641
01:09:09,750 --> 01:09:14,000
my pants and, uh...
2642
01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:17,625
I remember pulling down my pants
2643
01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:17,625
and then my underwear
2644
01:09:17,625 --> 01:09:20,041
and he just looked at me
2645
01:09:17,625 --> 01:09:20,041
for a while.
2646
01:09:27,041 --> 01:09:28,208
And, uh...
2647
01:09:29,291 --> 01:09:31,709
and then he touched me.
2648
01:09:38,667 --> 01:09:41,125
I eventually told my mom
2649
01:09:38,667 --> 01:09:41,125
and she didn't believe me,
2650
01:09:41,125 --> 01:09:42,667
which made it worse.
2651
01:09:42,667 --> 01:09:46,792
I felt guilt around it, um...
2652
01:09:46,792 --> 01:09:49,250
that I should have
2653
01:09:46,792 --> 01:09:49,250
somehow--
2654
01:09:49,250 --> 01:09:51,166
I should have known better.
2655
01:09:51,166 --> 01:09:53,750
I knew that I was suicidal.
2656
01:09:53,750 --> 01:09:57,458
Um...I was a cutter.
2657
01:09:58,458 --> 01:10:01,000
Once I was hospitalized
2658
01:09:58,458 --> 01:10:01,000
for swallowing
2659
01:10:01,000 --> 01:10:05,417
an entire bottle
2660
01:10:01,000 --> 01:10:05,417
of my aunt's prescription pills.
2661
01:10:05,417 --> 01:10:08,041
I didn't feel that
2662
01:10:05,417 --> 01:10:08,041
there was any worth to my life,
2663
01:10:08,041 --> 01:10:12,166
and then, you know, who would
2664
01:10:08,041 --> 01:10:12,166
care whether I was here or not.
2665
01:10:15,750 --> 01:10:19,667
The best way that I've been
2666
01:10:15,750 --> 01:10:19,667
able to understand
2667
01:10:19,667 --> 01:10:21,667
my capacity to murder
2668
01:10:19,667 --> 01:10:21,667
another human being
2669
01:10:21,667 --> 01:10:26,041
is that I didn't value
2670
01:10:21,667 --> 01:10:26,041
my own life at the time,
2671
01:10:26,041 --> 01:10:29,792
so I couldn't value the life
2672
01:10:26,041 --> 01:10:29,792
of another human being.
2673
01:10:34,208 --> 01:10:36,542
A human child knows
2674
01:10:34,208 --> 01:10:36,542
it's not loved,
2675
01:10:36,542 --> 01:10:38,125
he or she,
2676
01:10:36,542 --> 01:10:38,125
if they're beaten,
2677
01:10:38,125 --> 01:10:41,542
or if they're just
2678
01:10:38,125 --> 01:10:41,542
simply neglected,
2679
01:10:41,542 --> 01:10:44,125
ignored, abandoned.
2680
01:10:44,125 --> 01:10:46,458
The men that I worked with
2681
01:10:44,125 --> 01:10:46,458
in the prisons
2682
01:10:46,458 --> 01:10:49,041
had suffered all of these forms
2683
01:10:46,458 --> 01:10:49,041
of child abuse
2684
01:10:49,041 --> 01:10:51,709
to a degree I've never seen
2685
01:10:49,041 --> 01:10:51,709
in any other setting.
2686
01:10:51,709 --> 01:10:53,875
And to say they were
2687
01:10:51,709 --> 01:10:53,875
dominated by shame
2688
01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:58,041
is to say they didn't have pride
2689
01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:58,041
or self-love.
2690
01:11:05,375 --> 01:11:08,792
Whether it's homicidal violence
2691
01:11:05,375 --> 01:11:08,792
or suicidal violence,
2692
01:11:08,792 --> 01:11:11,709
people resort to such
2693
01:11:08,792 --> 01:11:11,709
desperate behavior
2694
01:11:11,709 --> 01:11:13,125
only when they are feeling
2695
01:11:13,125 --> 01:11:17,250
overwhelmed by shame
2696
01:11:13,125 --> 01:11:17,250
and humiliation.
2697
01:11:19,458 --> 01:11:23,208
I grew up with three brothers
2698
01:11:19,458 --> 01:11:23,208
and a father that drank a lot,
2699
01:11:23,208 --> 01:11:26,792
and I was probably bullied
2700
01:11:23,208 --> 01:11:26,792
the most by my dad.
2701
01:11:26,792 --> 01:11:30,709
He ruled with intimidation,
2702
01:11:26,792 --> 01:11:30,709
you know, and fear.
2703
01:11:30,709 --> 01:11:32,583
I was always scared
2704
01:11:30,709 --> 01:11:32,583
when Mom said,
2705
01:11:32,583 --> 01:11:34,917
"You're in trouble,
2706
01:11:32,583 --> 01:11:34,917
and I'm going to tell your dad."
2707
01:11:34,917 --> 01:11:36,875
I knew I had
2708
01:11:34,917 --> 01:11:36,875
an ass-whipping coming
2709
01:11:36,875 --> 01:11:38,375
and that meant
2710
01:11:36,875 --> 01:11:38,375
he was going to hit me
2711
01:11:38,375 --> 01:11:41,333
with whatever he had
2712
01:11:38,375 --> 01:11:41,333
close to him, you know.
2713
01:11:41,333 --> 01:11:45,083
Whether it was a fan cord
2714
01:11:41,333 --> 01:11:45,083
he ripped out of the wall,
2715
01:11:41,333 --> 01:11:45,083
or his belt.
2716
01:11:45,083 --> 01:11:48,750
I was shy, I was quiet,
2717
01:11:45,083 --> 01:11:48,750
I was always in my head.
2718
01:11:48,750 --> 01:11:50,375
I just felt...
2719
01:11:51,667 --> 01:11:53,917
terribly alone.
2720
01:11:53,917 --> 01:11:58,625
The only culture where I felt
2721
01:11:53,917 --> 01:11:58,625
like I belonged a little bit
2722
01:11:58,625 --> 01:12:01,000
was in the drug culture
2723
01:11:58,625 --> 01:12:01,000
when I found it.
2724
01:12:01,000 --> 01:12:03,792
I was 12 years old
2725
01:12:01,000 --> 01:12:03,792
when I started smoking weed.
2726
01:12:03,792 --> 01:12:05,583
At first,
2727
01:12:03,792 --> 01:12:05,583
because of peer pressure,
2728
01:12:05,583 --> 01:12:07,375
but I soon liked it
2729
01:12:07,375 --> 01:12:11,083
because I didn't have to feel
2730
01:12:07,375 --> 01:12:11,083
the way I always felt.
2731
01:12:11,083 --> 01:12:13,875
Then I moved on
2732
01:12:11,083 --> 01:12:13,875
to harder drugs.
2733
01:12:13,875 --> 01:12:16,125
My world changed
2734
01:12:13,875 --> 01:12:16,125
when I picked up a gun.
2735
01:12:16,125 --> 01:12:18,291
Became a whole
2736
01:12:16,125 --> 01:12:18,291
lot more violent.
2737
01:12:18,291 --> 01:12:20,458
People around me
2738
01:12:18,291 --> 01:12:20,458
started dying.
2739
01:12:20,458 --> 01:12:23,291
The guy I killed,
2740
01:12:20,458 --> 01:12:23,291
we had conflict.
2741
01:12:23,291 --> 01:12:26,041
I had been accepted
2742
01:12:23,291 --> 01:12:26,041
in this drug culture.
2743
01:12:26,041 --> 01:12:28,625
When he didn't pay me,
2744
01:12:26,041 --> 01:12:28,625
I thought, "My homeboys know.
2745
01:12:28,625 --> 01:12:30,250
If I don't do something
2746
01:12:28,625 --> 01:12:30,250
to this guy,
2747
01:12:30,250 --> 01:12:33,500
everybody's gonna take
2748
01:12:30,250 --> 01:12:33,500
whatever I have,
2749
01:12:33,500 --> 01:12:34,625
play me for a punk."
2750
01:12:34,625 --> 01:12:36,625
That's the story
2751
01:12:34,625 --> 01:12:36,625
I was telling in my head.
2752
01:12:37,792 --> 01:12:41,083
I just felt all the fear
2753
01:12:37,792 --> 01:12:41,083
and anxiety
2754
01:12:41,083 --> 01:12:45,125
and everything else I had
2755
01:12:41,083 --> 01:12:45,125
bottled up in me just burst.
2756
01:12:45,125 --> 01:12:47,166
And I shot him six times.
2757
01:12:49,500 --> 01:12:51,041
And I ran.
2758
01:12:52,542 --> 01:12:57,667
I think that's the first time
2759
01:12:52,542 --> 01:12:57,667
I ever felt, um...
2760
01:12:57,667 --> 01:12:59,792
like I had power.
2761
01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:02,959
For so long I had felt
2762
01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:02,959
so powerless in my life.
2763
01:13:02,959 --> 01:13:07,959
Like that was a moment
2764
01:13:02,959 --> 01:13:07,959
I finally stood up for myself.
2765
01:13:09,792 --> 01:13:12,875
But it came
2766
01:13:09,792 --> 01:13:12,875
at such a huge price.
2767
01:13:35,417 --> 01:13:39,375
If you're told from day one,
2768
01:13:35,417 --> 01:13:39,375
don't let nobody disrespect you,
2769
01:13:39,375 --> 01:13:42,000
and this is the way
2770
01:13:39,375 --> 01:13:42,000
you handle it as a man,
2771
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:44,333
respect is linked
2772
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:44,333
to violence.
2773
01:13:44,333 --> 01:13:47,250
Boys are trained
2774
01:13:44,333 --> 01:13:47,250
to externalize our pain.
2775
01:13:47,250 --> 01:13:49,041
When something bad
2776
01:13:47,250 --> 01:13:49,041
has happened to us,
2777
01:13:49,041 --> 01:13:51,291
we need to do something
2778
01:13:49,041 --> 01:13:51,291
bad to somebody else,
2779
01:13:51,291 --> 01:13:53,917
avenge the humiliation
2780
01:13:51,291 --> 01:13:53,917
that we've suffered,
2781
01:13:53,917 --> 01:13:55,375
the shame
2782
01:13:53,917 --> 01:13:55,375
that we've experienced.
2783
01:13:55,375 --> 01:13:58,542
To me that's such a basic
2784
01:13:55,375 --> 01:13:58,542
and an incredibly important part
2785
01:13:58,542 --> 01:14:02,250
of what is going on
2786
01:13:58,542 --> 01:14:02,250
in the violence pandemic
2787
01:13:58,542 --> 01:14:02,250
in our society.
2788
01:14:25,083 --> 01:14:26,917
Plenty of girls
2789
01:14:25,083 --> 01:14:26,917
live in a culture
2790
01:14:26,917 --> 01:14:28,917
where there's
2791
01:14:26,917 --> 01:14:28,917
easy access to guns.
2792
01:14:28,917 --> 01:14:31,417
Why don't girls and women
2793
01:14:28,917 --> 01:14:31,417
do the shootings?
2794
01:14:33,041 --> 01:14:34,667
The national conversation
2795
01:14:33,041 --> 01:14:34,667
that happens
2796
01:14:34,667 --> 01:14:37,250
almost never mentions
2797
01:14:34,667 --> 01:14:37,250
gender as a factor
2798
01:14:37,250 --> 01:14:39,542
when in fact, it's the single
2799
01:14:37,250 --> 01:14:39,542
most important factor.
2800
01:14:39,542 --> 01:14:42,667
But it's unspoken,
2801
01:14:39,542 --> 01:14:42,667
and so part of our challenge
2802
01:14:42,667 --> 01:14:45,875
is to make visible what has
2803
01:14:42,667 --> 01:14:45,875
been rendered invisible.
2804
01:14:47,000 --> 01:14:51,792
I've been forced to endure
2805
01:14:47,000 --> 01:14:51,792
an existence of loneliness,
2806
01:14:51,792 --> 01:14:55,458
rejection,
2807
01:14:51,792 --> 01:14:55,458
and unfulfilled desires.
2808
01:14:55,458 --> 01:14:59,375
Tomorrow is the day
2809
01:14:55,458 --> 01:14:59,375
in which I will have
2810
01:14:59,375 --> 01:15:01,959
my revenge
2811
01:14:59,375 --> 01:15:01,959
against humanity,
2812
01:15:01,959 --> 01:15:03,917
against all of you.
2813
01:15:13,458 --> 01:15:14,667
One of the things
2814
01:15:13,458 --> 01:15:14,667
that has provoked
2815
01:15:14,667 --> 01:15:17,500
so much anger
2816
01:15:14,667 --> 01:15:17,500
in American society today
2817
01:15:17,500 --> 01:15:19,667
is this notion
2818
01:15:17,500 --> 01:15:19,667
of aggrieved entitlement,
2819
01:15:19,667 --> 01:15:21,959
that men feel entitled
2820
01:15:19,667 --> 01:15:21,959
to positions of power
2821
01:15:21,959 --> 01:15:24,083
and all that
2822
01:15:21,959 --> 01:15:24,083
but they don't feel like
2823
01:15:24,083 --> 01:15:25,583
they're getting them
2824
01:15:24,083 --> 01:15:25,583
as much anymore.
2825
01:15:25,583 --> 01:15:27,083
That's the injury.
2826
01:15:27,083 --> 01:15:30,917
Not that I was in power,
2827
01:15:27,083 --> 01:15:30,917
but that I was entitled to be.
2828
01:15:30,917 --> 01:15:33,208
The boys that have
2829
01:15:30,917 --> 01:15:33,208
committed these crimes,
2830
01:15:33,208 --> 01:15:35,000
the men who commit crimes
2831
01:15:33,208 --> 01:15:35,000
of violence every day
2832
01:15:35,000 --> 01:15:36,250
in the streets
2833
01:15:35,000 --> 01:15:36,250
of the United States
2834
01:15:36,250 --> 01:15:37,542
and in the homes
2835
01:15:36,250 --> 01:15:37,542
of the United States,
2836
01:15:37,542 --> 01:15:38,834
are our sons,
2837
01:15:38,834 --> 01:15:41,125
they are saying something
2838
01:15:38,834 --> 01:15:41,125
about us as a culture.
2839
01:15:41,125 --> 01:15:42,667
But we ignore them
2840
01:15:41,125 --> 01:15:42,667
at our peril.
2841
01:15:42,667 --> 01:15:44,917
And I think the first reaction
2842
01:15:42,667 --> 01:15:44,917
of so many people
2843
01:15:44,917 --> 01:15:47,291
who are threatened
2844
01:15:44,917 --> 01:15:47,291
by introspection,
2845
01:15:47,291 --> 01:15:49,709
by self-awareness
2846
01:15:47,291 --> 01:15:49,709
and self-criticality,
2847
01:15:49,709 --> 01:15:53,500
is to push them aside
2848
01:15:49,709 --> 01:15:53,500
as if they're somehow others,
2849
01:15:53,500 --> 01:15:55,000
they're somehow
2850
01:15:53,500 --> 01:15:55,000
aberrational.
2851
01:15:55,000 --> 01:15:58,000
And, again,
2852
01:15:55,000 --> 01:15:58,000
this idea of mental illness
2853
01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,375
is one way
2854
01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,375
to push them aside.
2855
01:15:59,375 --> 01:16:02,583
That's why we don't have
2856
01:15:59,375 --> 01:16:02,583
to think about our culture,
2857
01:16:02,583 --> 01:16:04,125
we don't have to think
2858
01:16:02,583 --> 01:16:04,125
what we're teaching our sons.
2859
01:16:04,125 --> 01:16:07,542
We don't have to think about
2860
01:16:04,125 --> 01:16:07,542
the role of the media culture
2861
01:16:07,542 --> 01:16:09,667
in helping to shape certain
2862
01:16:07,542 --> 01:16:09,667
norms around masculinity.
2863
01:16:09,667 --> 01:16:12,542
We don't have to think about
2864
01:16:09,667 --> 01:16:12,542
the mixed messages
2865
01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:16,000
we're sending to boys
2866
01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:16,000
and men about violence,
2867
01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:16,000
which we send all the time.
2868
01:16:16,000 --> 01:16:17,750
Cultures define manhood
2869
01:16:16,000 --> 01:16:17,750
in different ways,
2870
01:16:17,750 --> 01:16:20,667
and there are healthy ways
2871
01:16:17,750 --> 01:16:20,667
to define manhood;
2872
01:16:17,750 --> 01:16:20,667
there are unhealthy ways.
2873
01:16:20,667 --> 01:16:23,417
So the question is,
2874
01:16:20,667 --> 01:16:23,417
can we do better than
2875
01:16:20,667 --> 01:16:23,417
we're doing in our society?
2876
01:16:23,417 --> 01:16:26,166
And the answer is:
2877
01:16:23,417 --> 01:16:26,166
Yes, we can do better.
2878
01:16:31,125 --> 01:16:32,875
IAN: My sophomore year
2879
01:16:31,125 --> 01:16:32,875
in college
2880
01:16:32,875 --> 01:16:35,083
I was in my first real
2881
01:16:35,083 --> 01:16:37,375
long-term committed
2882
01:16:35,083 --> 01:16:37,375
relationship,
2883
01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:42,250
and had learned that
2884
01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:42,250
she had been raped.
2885
01:16:42,250 --> 01:16:44,500
And I found out later
2886
01:16:42,250 --> 01:16:44,500
that my mom had been raped
2887
01:16:44,500 --> 01:16:46,375
when she was younger.
2888
01:16:46,375 --> 01:16:48,250
It was painful for me
2889
01:16:46,375 --> 01:16:48,250
to think about that
2890
01:16:48,250 --> 01:16:51,041
happening to someone
2891
01:16:48,250 --> 01:16:51,041
that I really cared about.
2892
01:16:51,041 --> 01:16:53,959
And that it happened
2893
01:16:51,041 --> 01:16:53,959
to all sorts of people.
2894
01:16:54,834 --> 01:16:56,417
It gave me the opportunity
2895
01:16:56,417 --> 01:17:00,041
to start thinking about
2896
01:16:56,417 --> 01:17:00,041
masculinity in a critical way.
2897
01:17:00,041 --> 01:17:03,125
Trying to become
2898
01:17:00,041 --> 01:17:03,125
more of a full human being
2899
01:17:03,125 --> 01:17:07,375
and less constrained
2900
01:17:03,125 --> 01:17:07,375
by who I thought I had to be.
2901
01:17:07,375 --> 01:17:09,291
I stopped playing sports,
2902
01:17:09,291 --> 01:17:11,500
in terms
2903
01:17:09,291 --> 01:17:11,500
of collegiate competition,
2904
01:17:11,500 --> 01:17:13,959
and I went back
2905
01:17:11,500 --> 01:17:13,959
to doing theater.
2906
01:17:13,959 --> 01:17:16,166
One of the characters
2907
01:17:13,959 --> 01:17:16,166
that I played
2908
01:17:16,166 --> 01:17:18,750
was a transgender character.
2909
01:17:18,750 --> 01:17:24,000
I remember when my parents
2910
01:17:18,750 --> 01:17:24,000
came to the show, um...
2911
01:17:24,000 --> 01:17:28,458
and my dad
2912
01:17:24,000 --> 01:17:28,458
was really uncomfortable.
2913
01:17:28,458 --> 01:17:31,250
He was not comfortable
2914
01:17:28,458 --> 01:17:31,250
with his son,
2915
01:17:31,250 --> 01:17:34,000
who was more of
2916
01:17:31,250 --> 01:17:34,000
a prototypical man's man,
2917
01:17:34,000 --> 01:17:38,041
changing into this
2918
01:17:34,000 --> 01:17:38,041
very un-man's man-like person.
2919
01:17:38,041 --> 01:17:41,458
Even in the context of theater,
2920
01:17:38,041 --> 01:17:41,458
where it wasn't really me.
2921
01:17:41,458 --> 01:17:43,500
And that sort of began
2922
01:17:41,458 --> 01:17:43,500
a point of friction,
2923
01:17:43,500 --> 01:17:45,458
I think,
2924
01:17:43,500 --> 01:17:45,458
between my father and I.
2925
01:17:45,458 --> 01:17:47,166
His response was,
2926
01:17:47,166 --> 01:17:49,750
why wouldn't you want to be
2927
01:17:47,166 --> 01:17:49,750
what you really are?
2928
01:17:54,750 --> 01:17:57,834
CODY: The very last time
2929
01:17:54,750 --> 01:17:57,834
that I spoke to my father,
2930
01:17:57,834 --> 01:17:59,333
I was a senior
2931
01:17:57,834 --> 01:17:59,333
in high school.
2932
01:17:59,333 --> 01:18:01,041
I told him that I hated him
2933
01:18:01,041 --> 01:18:02,458
and I never wanted
2934
01:18:01,041 --> 01:18:02,458
to talk to him again.
2935
01:18:03,208 --> 01:18:05,375
In kind of
2936
01:18:03,208 --> 01:18:05,375
the heat of that moment,
2937
01:18:05,375 --> 01:18:08,500
I decided that
2938
01:18:05,375 --> 01:18:08,500
I should write down
2939
01:18:08,500 --> 01:18:10,291
everything
2940
01:18:08,500 --> 01:18:10,291
that I was mad at him for
2941
01:18:10,291 --> 01:18:12,542
since my first memory
2942
01:18:10,291 --> 01:18:12,542
of him beating my mom.
2943
01:18:13,667 --> 01:18:15,625
And so I sat down
2944
01:18:13,667 --> 01:18:15,625
and I wrote a letter,
2945
01:18:15,625 --> 01:18:19,291
and I had intended
2946
01:18:15,625 --> 01:18:19,291
to send it to him in the mail.
2947
01:18:19,291 --> 01:18:21,500
I was taking
2948
01:18:19,291 --> 01:18:21,500
an AP English class
2949
01:18:21,500 --> 01:18:24,333
and the teacher resembled
2950
01:18:21,500 --> 01:18:24,333
my wrestling coach
2951
01:18:24,333 --> 01:18:26,667
in a lot
2952
01:18:24,333 --> 01:18:26,667
of his characteristics.
2953
01:18:26,667 --> 01:18:29,208
I came into his classroom
2954
01:18:26,667 --> 01:18:29,208
and I said,
2955
01:18:29,208 --> 01:18:33,250
"Something inside me needs
2956
01:18:29,208 --> 01:18:33,250
to have you read this
2957
01:18:33,250 --> 01:18:36,667
before I can send it,
2958
01:18:33,250 --> 01:18:36,667
and I don't know why."
2959
01:18:36,667 --> 01:18:38,667
And he got...
2960
01:18:38,667 --> 01:18:41,333
I think three-quarters
2961
01:18:38,667 --> 01:18:41,333
through the first page,
2962
01:18:41,333 --> 01:18:45,291
and he, like,
2963
01:18:41,333 --> 01:18:45,291
fell into tears.
2964
01:18:45,291 --> 01:18:48,291
Like, tears just
2965
01:18:45,291 --> 01:18:48,291
running down his face.
2966
01:18:48,291 --> 01:18:51,959
He was like, "I understand you
2967
01:18:48,291 --> 01:18:51,959
so much better now.
2968
01:18:51,959 --> 01:18:55,375
That's why you push yourself
2969
01:18:51,959 --> 01:18:55,375
so hard in everything you do,
2970
01:18:55,375 --> 01:18:57,667
why you have to be the best,
2971
01:18:55,375 --> 01:18:57,667
why you have to be perfect,
2972
01:18:57,667 --> 01:19:00,125
why you stress out about
2973
01:18:57,667 --> 01:19:00,125
every single little thing."
2974
01:19:00,125 --> 01:19:03,417
He looked at me
2975
01:19:00,125 --> 01:19:03,417
and he just said,
2976
01:19:00,125 --> 01:19:03,417
"You're good enough."
2977
01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,500
And apparently,
2978
01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,500
that's what I needed to hear...
2979
01:19:12,208 --> 01:19:13,625
from a man.
2980
01:19:19,000 --> 01:19:21,333
STEVEN:
2981
01:19:19,000 --> 01:19:21,333
About 4 or 5 years ago,
2982
01:19:21,333 --> 01:19:23,750
Jacksen said,
2983
01:19:21,333 --> 01:19:23,750
"How about we make a box,
2984
01:19:23,750 --> 01:19:26,208
and we put notes in there
2985
01:19:23,750 --> 01:19:26,208
every week to each other.
2986
01:19:26,208 --> 01:19:28,208
If I'm mad,
2987
01:19:26,208 --> 01:19:28,208
I'll put a note in there,
2988
01:19:28,208 --> 01:19:30,000
if I'm happy,
2989
01:19:28,208 --> 01:19:30,000
I'll put a note in there.
2990
01:19:30,000 --> 01:19:31,375
That's how
2991
01:19:30,000 --> 01:19:31,375
we'll communicate
2992
01:19:31,375 --> 01:19:32,792
about what we're feeling
2993
01:19:31,375 --> 01:19:32,792
for the week."
2994
01:19:32,792 --> 01:19:35,291
And so Jacksen found
2995
01:19:32,792 --> 01:19:35,291
one of my shoe boxes,
2996
01:19:35,291 --> 01:19:38,417
cut a hole in the top,
2997
01:19:35,291 --> 01:19:38,417
and he named it the mailbox.
2998
01:19:38,417 --> 01:19:42,667
And we do it once a week,
2999
01:19:38,417 --> 01:19:42,667
and we open it on Daddy Sunday,
3000
01:19:38,417 --> 01:19:42,667
which is Sundays.
3001
01:19:42,667 --> 01:19:45,166
I wrote this one.
3002
01:19:45,166 --> 01:19:47,291
"To Dad.
3003
01:19:47,291 --> 01:19:53,417
Dear Dad, I love how we play
3004
01:19:47,291 --> 01:19:53,417
together every Sunday.
3005
01:19:53,417 --> 01:19:56,792
It's really fun
3006
01:19:53,417 --> 01:19:56,792
playing with you, Dad.
3007
01:19:56,792 --> 01:19:57,917
Love, Jacksen."
3008
01:19:57,917 --> 01:19:59,875
And this.
3009
01:19:59,875 --> 01:20:04,083
And my father has never
3010
01:19:59,875 --> 01:20:04,083
in 30-some-odd years of life
3011
01:20:04,083 --> 01:20:05,792
told me he loved me.
3012
01:20:05,792 --> 01:20:08,333
I tell my son
3013
01:20:05,792 --> 01:20:08,333
I love him every day.
3014
01:20:10,500 --> 01:20:14,000
EHRMANN: The father wound
3015
01:20:10,500 --> 01:20:14,000
is any ongoing psychological,
3016
01:20:14,000 --> 01:20:16,041
emotional deficit or injury
3017
01:20:16,041 --> 01:20:18,417
that would have been met
3018
01:20:16,041 --> 01:20:18,417
in a healthy relationship.
3019
01:20:18,417 --> 01:20:20,125
So the father wound
3020
01:20:20,125 --> 01:20:22,792
is probably one of the most
3021
01:20:20,125 --> 01:20:22,792
serious issues in this country.
3022
01:20:22,792 --> 01:20:25,625
Wounding boys
3023
01:20:22,792 --> 01:20:25,625
become wounding men,
3024
01:20:25,625 --> 01:20:28,500
apart from
3025
01:20:25,625 --> 01:20:28,500
some kind of intervention.
3026
01:20:28,500 --> 01:20:33,083
In my own healing process,
3027
01:20:28,500 --> 01:20:33,083
I took myself as an adult man
3028
01:20:33,083 --> 01:20:35,625
and myself
3029
01:20:33,083 --> 01:20:35,625
as a 5-year-old boy
3030
01:20:35,625 --> 01:20:37,166
and I walked
3031
01:20:35,625 --> 01:20:37,166
both of them back
3032
01:20:37,166 --> 01:20:38,709
down my mother's
3033
01:20:37,166 --> 01:20:38,709
basement steps
3034
01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:41,917
and there
3035
01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:41,917
I confronted my father.
3036
01:20:41,917 --> 01:20:44,041
Five-year-old boys
3037
01:20:41,917 --> 01:20:44,041
are supposed to be loved,
3038
01:20:44,041 --> 01:20:46,417
they're supposed to be
3039
01:20:44,041 --> 01:20:46,417
tucked in at night.
3040
01:20:47,917 --> 01:20:50,041
It's an amazing thing
3041
01:20:47,917 --> 01:20:50,041
when I did that work,
3042
01:20:50,041 --> 01:20:51,166
because it was
3043
01:20:50,041 --> 01:20:51,166
the first time
3044
01:20:51,166 --> 01:20:53,583
I ever had empathy
3045
01:20:51,166 --> 01:20:53,583
for my own father.
3046
01:20:53,583 --> 01:20:55,333
I've started to think about,
3047
01:20:53,583 --> 01:20:55,333
you know,
3048
01:20:55,333 --> 01:20:58,125
who hurt him in a way
3049
01:20:58,125 --> 01:21:00,917
that he would be so angry
3050
01:20:58,125 --> 01:21:00,917
as he was?
3051
01:21:03,333 --> 01:21:04,834
I think every man's journey
3052
01:21:04,834 --> 01:21:08,000
is how do you reconnect
3053
01:21:04,834 --> 01:21:08,000
that heart to the head,
3054
01:21:08,000 --> 01:21:10,875
to start living
3055
01:21:08,000 --> 01:21:10,875
out of the authentic you?
3056
01:21:17,667 --> 01:21:19,750
Today is really
3057
01:21:17,667 --> 01:21:19,750
about self-reflection.
3058
01:21:19,750 --> 01:21:22,333
About your story, okay,
3059
01:21:19,750 --> 01:21:22,333
your narrative,
3060
01:21:22,333 --> 01:21:25,542
why that's important to
3061
01:21:22,333 --> 01:21:25,542
self-reflect and to share out.
3062
01:21:25,542 --> 01:21:27,083
LUIS: When I came
3063
01:21:25,542 --> 01:21:27,083
out of juvenile hall,
3064
01:21:27,083 --> 01:21:29,959
I knew that I had to make
3065
01:21:27,083 --> 01:21:29,959
some changes,
3066
01:21:29,959 --> 01:21:33,792
so I quit smoking
3067
01:21:29,959 --> 01:21:33,792
and decided to be sober
3068
01:21:33,792 --> 01:21:37,208
and see what I can do
3069
01:21:33,792 --> 01:21:37,208
to change my life around.
3070
01:21:38,333 --> 01:21:41,083
First day of school
3071
01:21:38,333 --> 01:21:41,083
I came in here,
3072
01:21:41,083 --> 01:21:42,333
you know, I was very excited.
3073
01:21:42,333 --> 01:21:45,083
And these past 2 months
3074
01:21:42,333 --> 01:21:45,083
have been amazing.
3075
01:21:45,083 --> 01:21:48,959
I can share anything
3076
01:21:45,083 --> 01:21:48,959
with these guys, anything.
3077
01:21:48,959 --> 01:21:51,959
And, you know,
3078
01:21:48,959 --> 01:21:51,959
they've been absolutely
3079
01:21:51,959 --> 01:21:55,875
more than a family to me,
3080
01:21:51,959 --> 01:21:55,875
I love them to death.
3081
01:21:55,875 --> 01:22:00,000
I transformed
3082
01:21:55,875 --> 01:22:00,000
from four F's to four A's.
3083
01:22:00,000 --> 01:22:02,542
I was very proud
3084
01:22:00,000 --> 01:22:02,542
of myself,
3085
01:22:02,542 --> 01:22:05,000
but most of all,
3086
01:22:02,542 --> 01:22:05,000
I made my mom proud.
3087
01:22:05,667 --> 01:22:08,125
HAGEDORN: When I see my kids,
3088
01:22:05,667 --> 01:22:08,125
I don't see gangsters,
3089
01:22:08,125 --> 01:22:09,667
I see my little brothers.
3090
01:22:09,667 --> 01:22:13,000
What we're trying to do
3091
01:22:09,667 --> 01:22:13,000
is to connect with them,
3092
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,375
to create a space where
3093
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,375
they can re-humanize themselves,
3094
01:22:15,375 --> 01:22:18,000
because they've been
3095
01:22:15,375 --> 01:22:18,000
so dehumanized.
3096
01:22:18,000 --> 01:22:21,750
We feel safe in here,
3097
01:22:18,000 --> 01:22:21,750
we can talk to anybody in here,
3098
01:22:21,750 --> 01:22:25,959
it's like another family,
3099
01:22:21,750 --> 01:22:25,959
pretty much.
3100
01:22:34,750 --> 01:22:37,834
And so the lessons
3101
01:22:34,750 --> 01:22:37,834
that we're being taught
3102
01:22:34,750 --> 01:22:37,834
from early on,
3103
01:22:37,834 --> 01:22:40,834
is that being a woman,
3104
01:22:37,834 --> 01:22:40,834
or being feminine,
3105
01:22:40,834 --> 01:22:43,458
or being anything
3106
01:22:40,834 --> 01:22:43,458
that's not within the "man" box,
3107
01:22:43,458 --> 01:22:46,834
within the confines
3108
01:22:43,458 --> 01:22:46,834
of this construct, is bad.
3109
01:22:47,917 --> 01:22:49,500
So what I'm gonna
3110
01:22:47,917 --> 01:22:49,500
do next is,
3111
01:22:49,500 --> 01:22:52,542
I erased the labels "man" box,
3112
01:22:49,500 --> 01:22:52,542
"not manly" box.
3113
01:22:53,542 --> 01:22:56,750
When we take away these barriers
3114
01:22:53,542 --> 01:22:56,750
that society places on us,
3115
01:22:56,750 --> 01:22:59,375
our parents, our peers,
3116
01:22:56,750 --> 01:22:59,375
our teachers,
3117
01:22:59,375 --> 01:23:01,125
media, whatever it may be,
3118
01:23:01,125 --> 01:23:03,250
when we strip those away,
3119
01:23:03,250 --> 01:23:05,083
we get to be
3120
01:23:03,250 --> 01:23:05,083
whoever we choose to be
3121
01:23:05,083 --> 01:23:08,875
and we find that
3122
01:23:05,083 --> 01:23:08,875
we are some of the very things
3123
01:23:08,875 --> 01:23:11,000
that we were taught
3124
01:23:08,875 --> 01:23:11,000
that are not manly.
3125
01:23:13,458 --> 01:23:16,959
I want to just share this
3126
01:23:13,458 --> 01:23:16,959
in closing out, too.
3127
01:23:16,959 --> 01:23:20,959
You know, before, when I was
3128
01:23:16,959 --> 01:23:20,959
stuck in that "man" box...
3129
01:23:20,959 --> 01:23:22,041
Yeah.
3130
01:23:22,041 --> 01:23:25,125
I felt a sense of incomplete.
3131
01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:29,000
I felt that I always never was
3132
01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:29,000
the person I was meant to be,
3133
01:23:29,000 --> 01:23:32,750
or the person my family
3134
01:23:29,000 --> 01:23:32,750
envisioned me to be.
3135
01:23:32,750 --> 01:23:35,166
Once I got out
3136
01:23:32,750 --> 01:23:35,166
of that "man" box,
3137
01:23:35,166 --> 01:23:37,834
through this process
3138
01:23:35,166 --> 01:23:37,834
and the work,
3139
01:23:37,834 --> 01:23:43,083
I feel like I stand 10 feet tall
3140
01:23:37,834 --> 01:23:43,083
and feel that I'm worthy.
3141
01:23:43,083 --> 01:23:45,667
I have a right to be loved.
3142
01:23:45,667 --> 01:23:50,166
A sense of belonging
3143
01:23:45,667 --> 01:23:50,166
with the peers that I've built
3144
01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:52,417
and made
3145
01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:52,417
a community with in here
3146
01:23:52,417 --> 01:23:54,625
and I feel whole.
3147
01:24:10,542 --> 01:24:15,000
Many of us are operating
3148
01:24:10,542 --> 01:24:15,000
from a place of tradition,
3149
01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:17,166
just the way
3150
01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:17,166
things always have been.
3151
01:24:17,166 --> 01:24:19,333
We need to get men
3152
01:24:17,166 --> 01:24:19,333
into their hearts
3153
01:24:19,333 --> 01:24:21,166
and out of their heads.
3154
01:24:21,166 --> 01:24:26,667
There's freedom outside of these
3155
01:24:21,166 --> 01:24:26,667
rigid definitions of manhood.
3156
01:24:26,667 --> 01:24:29,083
We need to redefine
3157
01:24:26,667 --> 01:24:29,083
strength in men,
3158
01:24:29,083 --> 01:24:31,041
not as the power
3159
01:24:29,083 --> 01:24:31,041
over other people,
3160
01:24:31,041 --> 01:24:33,041
but as forces for justice,
3161
01:24:33,041 --> 01:24:35,834
and justice means
3162
01:24:33,041 --> 01:24:35,834
equality and fairness
3163
01:24:35,834 --> 01:24:37,709
and working against poverty
3164
01:24:35,834 --> 01:24:37,709
and working against,
3165
01:24:37,709 --> 01:24:41,083
you know, inequality
3166
01:24:37,709 --> 01:24:41,083
and violence-- that's strength.
3167
01:24:41,083 --> 01:24:42,709
And we need more men
3168
01:24:41,083 --> 01:24:42,709
who have the courage
3169
01:24:42,709 --> 01:24:44,208
to stand up and speak out,
3170
01:24:44,208 --> 01:24:45,875
even when it means
3171
01:24:44,208 --> 01:24:45,875
taking a risk.
3172
01:24:45,875 --> 01:24:48,083
To go into male culture,
3173
01:24:45,875 --> 01:24:48,083
and say some things
3174
01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:49,750
that are going to make
3175
01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:49,750
other men uncomfortable.
3176
01:24:49,750 --> 01:24:51,417
Because this is
3177
01:24:49,750 --> 01:24:51,417
about leadership.
3178
01:24:51,417 --> 01:24:55,375
We're asking men to use that
3179
01:24:51,417 --> 01:24:55,375
privilege to develop a voice,
3180
01:24:55,375 --> 01:24:58,208
to speak out, to stand up.
3181
01:24:58,208 --> 01:24:59,875
Become
3182
01:24:58,208 --> 01:24:59,875
part of the solution.
3183
01:24:59,875 --> 01:25:03,917
It's absolutely not about
3184
01:24:59,875 --> 01:25:03,917
teaching boys something new.
3185
01:25:03,917 --> 01:25:06,041
It's not about
3186
01:25:03,917 --> 01:25:06,041
turning boys into girls,
3187
01:25:06,041 --> 01:25:07,792
or something
3188
01:25:06,041 --> 01:25:07,792
that they're not already.
3189
01:25:07,792 --> 01:25:10,083
But it's actually
3190
01:25:07,792 --> 01:25:10,083
helping them to stay with
3191
01:25:10,083 --> 01:25:12,959
or return to
3192
01:25:10,083 --> 01:25:12,959
what they already know.
3193
01:25:12,959 --> 01:25:15,709
Empathy
3194
01:25:12,959 --> 01:25:15,709
and caring for other people
3195
01:25:15,709 --> 01:25:19,166
and being sympathetic
3196
01:25:15,709 --> 01:25:19,166
toward people,
3197
01:25:19,166 --> 01:25:24,125
these are not just feminine
3198
01:25:19,166 --> 01:25:24,125
traits or behavior patterns.
3199
01:25:24,125 --> 01:25:26,375
These are human patterns.
3200
01:25:26,375 --> 01:25:28,041
We have a responsibility
3201
01:25:26,375 --> 01:25:28,041
to our sons
3202
01:25:28,041 --> 01:25:31,083
to break down the systems
3203
01:25:28,041 --> 01:25:31,083
of emotional constriction
3204
01:25:31,083 --> 01:25:33,458
that leads so many men
3205
01:25:31,083 --> 01:25:33,458
to have lives of--
3206
01:25:33,458 --> 01:25:35,750
of quiet desperation
3207
01:25:33,458 --> 01:25:35,750
and depression
3208
01:25:35,750 --> 01:25:37,750
and alcohol
3209
01:25:35,750 --> 01:25:37,750
and substance abuse
3210
01:25:37,750 --> 01:25:39,625
and all the other ways
3211
01:25:37,750 --> 01:25:39,625
that men self-medicate.
3212
01:25:39,625 --> 01:25:43,458
So if we ever gave boys
3213
01:25:39,625 --> 01:25:43,458
permission to process grief,
3214
01:25:43,458 --> 01:25:45,375
gave boys
3215
01:25:43,458 --> 01:25:45,375
permission to cry,
3216
01:25:45,375 --> 01:25:48,000
to develop
3217
01:25:45,375 --> 01:25:48,000
all of their emotions,
3218
01:25:48,000 --> 01:25:51,583
you'd do away with not knowing
3219
01:25:48,000 --> 01:25:51,583
where to go with their own pain.
3220
01:25:51,583 --> 01:25:53,625
POLLACK: For mothers,
3221
01:25:51,583 --> 01:25:53,625
if in your gut you feel
3222
01:25:53,625 --> 01:25:55,667
you want to stay
3223
01:25:53,625 --> 01:25:55,667
close to your son,
3224
01:25:55,667 --> 01:25:58,250
don't be dissuaded.
3225
01:25:58,250 --> 01:25:59,792
The one study we have
3226
01:25:59,792 --> 01:26:02,291
of boys being close to their
3227
01:25:59,792 --> 01:26:02,291
mothers in a healthy way
3228
01:26:02,291 --> 01:26:05,792
shows that those boys are less
3229
01:26:02,291 --> 01:26:05,792
likely to engage in violence,
3230
01:26:05,792 --> 01:26:08,959
more likely to succeed in life,
3231
01:26:05,792 --> 01:26:08,959
and live 5 years longer.
3232
01:26:08,959 --> 01:26:11,709
Whatever a father does
3233
01:26:08,959 --> 01:26:11,709
with his son is masculine.
3234
01:26:11,709 --> 01:26:14,125
If you like cooking,
3235
01:26:11,709 --> 01:26:14,125
cook with your son.
3236
01:26:14,125 --> 01:26:16,500
If you like fly-fishing,
3237
01:26:14,125 --> 01:26:16,500
fly-fish with your son.
3238
01:26:16,500 --> 01:26:18,625
But do something
3239
01:26:16,500 --> 01:26:18,625
with your son,
3240
01:26:18,625 --> 01:26:21,792
because every boy
3241
01:26:18,625 --> 01:26:21,792
measures his masculinity
3242
01:26:21,792 --> 01:26:24,417
at the deepest level
3243
01:26:21,792 --> 01:26:24,417
against his dad.
3244
01:26:24,417 --> 01:26:27,083
We have lots of kids that have
3245
01:26:24,417 --> 01:26:27,083
no father figures at home
3246
01:26:27,083 --> 01:26:29,875
or who just don't even have
3247
01:26:27,083 --> 01:26:29,875
intact families.
3248
01:26:29,875 --> 01:26:31,583
Those kids need mentors
3249
01:26:31,583 --> 01:26:33,542
who are a regular part
3250
01:26:31,583 --> 01:26:33,542
of their lives,
3251
01:26:33,542 --> 01:26:34,917
who are checking in,
3252
01:26:34,917 --> 01:26:36,917
who are spending
3253
01:26:34,917 --> 01:26:36,917
quality time with them,
3254
01:26:36,917 --> 01:26:41,250
and who provide the kind of
3255
01:26:36,917 --> 01:26:41,250
moral support and example
3256
01:26:41,250 --> 01:26:43,417
and guidance
3257
01:26:41,250 --> 01:26:43,417
that they need to grow up.
3258
01:26:43,417 --> 01:26:47,792
Coaches have this unparalleled
3259
01:26:43,417 --> 01:26:47,792
power platform position.
3260
01:26:47,792 --> 01:26:50,083
They're held up in most
3261
01:26:47,792 --> 01:26:50,083
communities and most schools
3262
01:26:50,083 --> 01:26:52,959
as kind of the epitome
3263
01:26:50,083 --> 01:26:52,959
of what it means to be a man.
3264
01:26:52,959 --> 01:26:55,083
Boy, if we ever got
3265
01:26:52,959 --> 01:26:55,083
the heart of a coach
3266
01:26:55,083 --> 01:26:58,000
pouring it out
3267
01:26:55,083 --> 01:26:58,000
into the hearts of young boys,
3268
01:26:58,000 --> 01:27:01,500
with an understanding that
3269
01:26:58,000 --> 01:27:01,500
I'm really not just a coach,
3270
01:27:01,500 --> 01:27:03,125
but I ought to be
3271
01:27:01,500 --> 01:27:03,125
a mentor.
3272
01:27:03,125 --> 01:27:06,375
Then you start making
3273
01:27:03,125 --> 01:27:06,375
huge changes in the society.
3274
01:27:06,375 --> 01:27:10,083
Media and technology
3275
01:27:06,375 --> 01:27:10,083
today has an enormous impact
3276
01:27:10,083 --> 01:27:12,709
on the social
3277
01:27:10,083 --> 01:27:12,709
and emotional health of boys.
3278
01:27:12,709 --> 01:27:14,750
And we want that
3279
01:27:12,709 --> 01:27:14,750
to be a good impact.
3280
01:27:14,750 --> 01:27:17,959
So we need to encourage
3281
01:27:14,750 --> 01:27:17,959
good media, good technology,
3282
01:27:17,959 --> 01:27:21,000
and we need to limit
3283
01:27:17,959 --> 01:27:21,000
the down side of the bad stuff.
3284
01:27:21,000 --> 01:27:23,166
We need to challenge
3285
01:27:21,000 --> 01:27:23,166
boys and men
3286
01:27:23,166 --> 01:27:25,792
to rise to the better angels
3287
01:27:23,166 --> 01:27:25,792
of their nature.
3288
01:27:25,792 --> 01:27:28,500
To rise to the best aspirations
3289
01:27:25,792 --> 01:27:28,500
they have for themselves
3290
01:27:28,500 --> 01:27:30,709
as human beings
3291
01:27:28,500 --> 01:27:30,709
and as men.
3292
01:27:30,709 --> 01:27:32,750
I think
3293
01:27:30,709 --> 01:27:32,750
that's a positive challenge
3294
01:27:32,750 --> 01:27:34,792
and I think a lot of men
3295
01:27:32,750 --> 01:27:34,792
can rise to that challenge.
3296
01:27:34,792 --> 01:27:37,125
Everyone in boy's lives
3297
01:27:34,792 --> 01:27:37,125
should help us stay true
3298
01:27:37,125 --> 01:27:39,750
to who we are so that
3299
01:27:37,125 --> 01:27:39,750
we don't have to wear a mask.
3300
01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:56,083
Bye!
3301
01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:56,083
Bye!
3302
01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:56,083
(laughing )
3303
01:28:05,959 --> 01:28:09,583
♪ I have
3304
01:28:05,959 --> 01:28:09,583
a little bit of trouble ♪
3305
01:28:09,583 --> 01:28:12,041
♪ Being tough sometimes ♪
3306
01:28:12,041 --> 01:28:14,959
♪ Sticking up sometimes ♪
3307
01:28:14,959 --> 01:28:17,250
♪ Being enough sometimes ♪
3308
01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:20,709
♪ I have
3309
01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:20,709
a little bit of trouble ♪
3310
01:28:20,709 --> 01:28:23,583
♪ Keeping myself in line ♪
3311
01:28:23,583 --> 01:28:26,417
♪ Keeping myself
3312
01:28:23,583 --> 01:28:26,417
trying ♪
3313
01:28:26,417 --> 01:28:28,667
♪ Thinking I'll be fine ♪
3314
01:28:28,667 --> 01:28:34,500
♪ Ooh, it's lonely
3315
01:28:28,667 --> 01:28:34,500
at the start ♪
3316
01:28:34,500 --> 01:28:38,375
♪ Till my heart says I can ♪
3317
01:28:40,083 --> 01:28:42,625
♪ Might be confused
3318
01:28:40,083 --> 01:28:42,625
a little ♪
3319
01:28:42,625 --> 01:28:46,166
♪ Flying until I land ♪
3320
01:28:46,166 --> 01:28:50,291
♪ What it's like to be a man ♪
3321
01:28:50,291 --> 01:28:57,208
♪ Nah nah nah nah nah
3322
01:28:50,291 --> 01:28:57,208
nah nah nah ♪
3323
01:28:57,625 --> 01:29:00,875
♪ What it's like to be a man ♪
3324
01:29:02,458 --> 01:29:06,000
♪ I don't ask trouble ♪
3325
01:29:06,000 --> 01:29:08,625
♪ But it comes sometimes ♪
3326
01:29:08,625 --> 01:29:10,917
♪ And when it does, I find ♪
3327
01:29:10,917 --> 01:29:13,792
♪ Little room to grow ♪
3328
01:29:13,792 --> 01:29:17,000
♪ If we stand together ♪
3329
01:29:17,000 --> 01:29:19,792
♪ Just think what we could do ♪
3330
01:29:19,792 --> 01:29:21,917
♪ Those doors
3331
01:29:19,792 --> 01:29:21,917
that we'd break through ♪
3332
01:29:21,917 --> 01:29:25,000
♪ The places we could go ♪
3333
01:29:25,000 --> 01:29:30,875
♪ Ooh, it's lonely
3334
01:29:25,000 --> 01:29:30,875
at the start ♪
3335
01:29:30,875 --> 01:29:35,041
♪ Till my heart says I can ♪
3336
01:29:36,625 --> 01:29:39,375
♪ Might be confused
3337
01:29:36,625 --> 01:29:39,375
a little ♪
3338
01:29:39,375 --> 01:29:42,709
♪ Flying until I land ♪
3339
01:29:42,709 --> 01:29:46,834
♪ What it's like to be a man ♪
3340
01:29:46,834 --> 01:29:53,625
♪ Nah nah nah nah nah
3341
01:29:46,834 --> 01:29:53,625
nah nah nah ♪
3342
01:29:54,000 --> 01:29:56,750
♪ What it's like to be a man ♪
3343
01:29:56,750 --> 01:29:59,542
♪ Come with me ♪
3344
01:29:59,542 --> 01:30:02,542
♪ Come with me ♪
3345
01:30:02,542 --> 01:30:07,083
♪ Come see my side ♪
3346
01:30:08,291 --> 01:30:10,834
♪ Come with me ♪
3347
01:30:10,834 --> 01:30:13,709
♪ Come with me ♪
3348
01:30:13,709 --> 01:30:18,792
♪ Come see this side ♪
3349
01:30:18,792 --> 01:30:24,625
♪ Ooh, it's lonely
3350
01:30:18,792 --> 01:30:24,625
at the start ♪
3351
01:30:24,625 --> 01:30:30,166
♪ Till my heart says I can ♪
3352
01:30:30,166 --> 01:30:32,875
♪ Might be confused
3353
01:30:30,166 --> 01:30:32,875
a little ♪
3354
01:30:32,875 --> 01:30:36,166
♪ Flying until I land ♪
3355
01:30:36,166 --> 01:30:39,291
♪ What it's like to be a man ♪
3356
01:30:39,291 --> 01:30:41,834
♪ Come with me ♪
3357
01:30:41,834 --> 01:30:44,834
♪ Come with me ♪
3358
01:30:44,834 --> 01:30:50,458
♪ Come see my side ♪
3359
01:30:50,458 --> 01:30:53,333
♪ Come with me ♪
3360
01:30:53,333 --> 01:30:55,959
♪ Come with me ♪
3361
01:30:55,959 --> 01:31:00,875
♪ Come see this side ♪
3362
01:31:00,875 --> 01:31:07,000
♪ Ooh, it's lonely
3363
01:31:00,875 --> 01:31:07,000
at the start ♪
3364
01:31:07,000 --> 01:31:12,792
♪ Till my heart says I can ♪
3365
01:31:12,792 --> 01:31:15,083
♪ Might be confused
3366
01:31:12,792 --> 01:31:15,083
a little ♪
3367
01:31:15,083 --> 01:31:18,709
♪ Flying until I land ♪
3368
01:31:18,709 --> 01:31:22,875
♪ What it's like to be a man ♪
3369
01:31:22,875 --> 01:31:28,500
♪ Nah nah nah nah nah nah
3370
01:31:22,875 --> 01:31:28,500
nah nah nah ♪
3371
01:31:28,500 --> 01:31:34,125
♪ Nah nah nah nah nah nah
3372
01:31:28,500 --> 01:31:34,125
nah nah nah ♪
3373
01:31:34,125 --> 01:31:40,917
♪ Nah nah nah nah nah
3374
01:31:34,125 --> 01:31:40,917
nah nah nah ♪
3375
01:31:41,166 --> 01:31:45,333
♪ What it's like to be a man ♪
193606
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