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"Last Man Standing" is recorded
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in front of a live studio audience.
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Hey, guys.
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- Mandy: Hi.
- Hi, honey.
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00:00:09,315 --> 00:00:10,432
What's that smell?
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Takeout from emperor's garden.
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We're getting our won ton on.
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Sorry, honey. I didn't have time to cook.
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- Hey.
- All right.
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Another American job
outsourced to the Chinese.
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So, what's all this mess?
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Uh, the PTA Halloween fundraiser.
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I thought we were done with that PTA stuff.
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00:00:25,581 --> 00:00:27,199
Isn't that the upside
of being grandparents?
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You don't have to deal
with all the school crap?
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You mean improving
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the educational environment for my child?
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Yeah. School crap.
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No, honey, Kristin and I got suckered
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into running the Haunted House
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because nobody else volunteered.
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Suckered into it?
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- Your hand shot up as soon as it was m...
- Well...no...
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- you might have even yelled "dibs."
- Okay.
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Let me explain something.
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If your mom wasn't the type
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to volunteer for unpleasant jobs,
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none of you would exist.
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Kristin, listen, this
move is gonna be great
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00:00:56,496 --> 00:00:57,946
for your PTA career.
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Can't I just sit back and mock people
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- who say things like "your PTA career"?
- No... I...
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You nail the fall
fundraiser, you're a hero.
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You can just coast until
the easter-egg hunt.
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[ Groans ] Easter eggs are disgusting.
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I would never eat anything
that came out of a rabbit.
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Oh, look at these, uh...
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look at these pumpkin lights, mom?
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- Those are cute. Yeah?
- Oh, yay, yeah.
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Those would be great
if our theme was "lame."
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How come the Haunted House has to be scary?
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Because otherwise it's just a house
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and we'd be realtors.
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Come on. The goal is to
scare the heck out of kids.
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I thought the goal was to raise money.
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Yeah, by scaring the heck out of kids.
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You know, when I was PTA president,
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my Haunted Houses always made money.
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Last year, Helen Potts and
her geniuses barely broke even.
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You know what their theme was?
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Happy, happy mermaids.
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I'm just concerned 'cause
little kids Boyd's age
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are so sensitive, you know?
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- Boo!
- Ohh!
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Classic!
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Getting people to stain their skivvies...
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that's what Halloween is all about.
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That is the reason for the season.
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Yeah, see, Kristin? Getting
scared is fun. I love it.
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Boo!
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You got to work on the timing.
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[ Doorbell rings ]
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All right, now go see if you
can scare your aunt Mandy.
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And remember everything I said, okay?
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Awesome! Aunt Mandy,
I'm not coming upstairs!
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It's a... it's a timing thing.
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Hey, fellas.
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Hey, Mike. Hey, Mr. b.
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- Come on in.
- I got my coffin in the back of Kyle's Van.
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So, I was right about
that weird-looking mole.
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Vanessa wanted to look in my
coffin for her Haunted House.
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Vanessa, your coffin is here.
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Vanessa: Great. Yeah. Just a minute.
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Why do you have a coffin?
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Oh. Mr. Alzate got it at costco.
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They have everything.
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Well, you see, Kyle and I were
shopping for our camping trip,
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and I-I bought the
jumbo-sized bacon,
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and it got me thinking about mortality.
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Why would you cut back on
bacon when coffins are so cheap?
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Oh, and it's... it's a beauty, too...
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20-gauge steel construction,
gold swing-bar handles,
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and a white, crepe interior.
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The sausalito.
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All right. Let me get a
look at this pine box. Yeah.
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Hey, Ed, thanks.
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- Oh, hi.
- Ooh. Hey, honey.
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Hey, dad.
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- Mr. Alzate, it's good to see you.
- Hey, kiddo.
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Sweet coffin outside. Who died?
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[ Chuckles ]
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Ed if he doesn't have that mole looked at.
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"S.P." What's that? Shore patrol?
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School safety police.
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Yeah, I get to bust heads and take names.
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I also get called names.
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Now you're a narc, huh?
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Well, I'd love to get a narco bust.
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But so far, my collars have been tardies,
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talking in a library, and a lot of dsos.
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- Disrespecting safety officers.
- Ooh.
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Those kids will need a home loan one day
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and that dso... come back to haunt them.
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Keep on joking, dad, but when
your math book goes missing,
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ask a hippie to find it.
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Now, ed, that coffin is
great, but, uh, you know what?
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Did you notice there's a scratch on it?
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Yeah, I know. I know. It's a return.
109
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You should have seen the
scratch marks on the inside.
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Mike, I, uh... [ Clears throat ]
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- I really admire Eve's moxie with this junior ROTC Thing.
- Right.
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But there's nothing teenagers
hate worse than a snitch.
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Don't want their dads giving
them a kiss at drop-off either.
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- I was... I was an MP In Vietnam, yeah?
- Yeah.
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Yeah, and the troops
despised us, more than the VC,
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more than hanoi Jane, more
than that idiot disc jockey.
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There were no good mornings in Vietnam.
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But other than that,
the war was fun, right?
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You know, Kristin, you're...you're so busy
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with work and Boyd, why don't you let me
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deal with all the boring details.
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So, I let you do everything your way
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and just keep my mouth shut.
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That would be so helpful.
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- Boo!
- [ Gasps ]
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[ Laughs ]
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Yep, yep. You're right, mom.
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Getting scared is fun.
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sync and corrections by
dreaMaker7 www.addic7ed.com
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- Mandy: Hey.
- Hey.
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Welcome to tonight's
pre-Halloween dress rehearsal.
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I hear mom's makeup looks great.
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What do you mean you hear it's great?
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Aren't you in charge of this thing?
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No, the only thing she
let me be in charge of
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was hanging up the posters.
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And even then, I used the wrong tape.
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Well, I just need to get back
in time to stop those jerks
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who always TP our house on mischief night.
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What's mischief night?
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Tonight. The... the night before Halloween.
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Kids go around vandalizing stuff.
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[ Laughing ] Oh. You mean cabbage night.
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What? That's what we
call it up in winnipeg?
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What do you call the night
when everyone eats cabbage?
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Ah, Canada.
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They are building that
wall on the wrong border.
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Yeah, we feel the same way.
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We're just too polite to say it.
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Come on, Boyd. Let's
ditch these hosers, eh?
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Hey, ma! Come on!
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Let's get this show on the
road. I got a party to get to.
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Oh, yeah? What's your costume this year?
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Yeah. Slutty nurse,
slutty cop, slutty narwhal?
155
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Yeah. Actually, I'm...
I'm not wearing a costume.
156
00:06:08,257 --> 00:06:10,458
Oh, so slutty... college student?
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Uh, babe, one of your
posters fell down again.
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Fine, okay? I admit it. She
was right about the tape.
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Hey, Eve, you know, um,
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it's not really cool making women feel bad
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about their modes of sexual expression.
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We were talking about
it in sociology class.
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It's called slut-shaming.
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And you were there as a visual aid?
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Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, my
God, you're so funny.
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Okay, well, you might as well know
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you don't really have
anything to worry about
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guarding the house tonight.
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I'm not worried.
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It's those jerks with the toilet paper
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who need to watch their backs.
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Yeah. You don't get it.
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See, the only reason why we got TP'D
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was because I was still in high school.
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But I thought you were so popular.
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I was.
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See, at woodbridge, getting TP'D
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is a sign that the cool
kids really like you, so...
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00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,601
Oh, I'd like to see what they
do if they don't like you.
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Oh, you will. You'll just get ignored.
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Mike: This one here?
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Kristin: Yeah, right there.
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Grandpa, are you excited?
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Oh, I am thrilled, Boyd.
185
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If it weren't for coming
here, I'd be at home,
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watching the world series, drinking a beer.
187
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This is gonna be real scary, huh?
188
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It doesn't look scary!
189
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It looks awesome!
190
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Well, don't get your hopes up.
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Last year, the place was
swimming with mermaids.
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[ Air hisses ]
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[ Laughs evilly ]
194
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Welcome to the Clark
elementary Haunted House!
195
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Enter if you dare!
196
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Look at that... an old hag.
197
00:07:34,176 --> 00:07:36,227
Honey, I'm a witch. I'm just a witch.
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00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,846
Don't lag behind!
199
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We've already lost a few
children to angry spirits!
200
00:07:44,136 --> 00:07:45,820
Uh, I think I'm just gonna go home.
201
00:07:45,854 --> 00:07:47,939
Are you scared, Eve?
202
00:07:47,973 --> 00:07:52,026
Yeah. That's it. I'm scared.
203
00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:53,111
Come along. Come along.
204
00:07:53,162 --> 00:07:55,947
Or I'll use your bones to make a stew!
205
00:07:55,998 --> 00:07:58,116
[ Laughs evilly ]
206
00:07:58,167 --> 00:07:59,534
What's going on?
207
00:07:59,568 --> 00:08:01,068
Oh, she said something about wanting
208
00:08:01,086 --> 00:08:02,670
to guard the house from cabbage night.
209
00:08:02,704 --> 00:08:04,839
Your mom's making cabbage tonight?
210
00:08:04,873 --> 00:08:06,507
Talk about a house of horrors later.
211
00:08:06,542 --> 00:08:07,759
You guys are gonna hate me.
212
00:08:11,430 --> 00:08:12,463
[ Air whooshes ]
213
00:08:12,514 --> 00:08:13,664
Cool!
214
00:08:13,699 --> 00:08:15,916
Yeah, count Dracula!
215
00:08:15,934 --> 00:08:17,751
[ Creaking ] [ Screams ]
216
00:08:17,770 --> 00:08:21,022
Vampires are so three years ago.
217
00:08:21,056 --> 00:08:26,144
Beware the dinner of the damned!
218
00:08:27,596 --> 00:08:30,064
[ Growling ]
219
00:08:30,098 --> 00:08:34,235
Beware the grabbing ghoul!
220
00:08:34,269 --> 00:08:36,237
Honey, are you all right?
221
00:08:36,271 --> 00:08:40,107
Beware the giant spider!
222
00:08:40,125 --> 00:08:43,211
[ Screaming ]
223
00:08:43,245 --> 00:08:44,378
Kristen: Boyd, Boyd? Boyd, Boyd.
224
00:08:44,413 --> 00:08:47,165
Boyd? Boyd, Boyd, Boyd.
225
00:08:47,216 --> 00:08:48,716
[ Indistinct shouting, screaming ]
226
00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:50,001
Oh, man!
227
00:08:50,052 --> 00:08:51,502
Boyd? Boyd, Boyd, Boyd?
228
00:08:51,553 --> 00:08:53,087
Hey!
229
00:08:53,138 --> 00:08:55,423
[ Sighs ]
230
00:08:55,457 --> 00:08:57,425
I said "beware."
231
00:08:57,459 --> 00:08:59,793
[ Laughs ] If you could get
Ryan to do that every time,
232
00:08:59,812 --> 00:09:01,629
this place would make a fortune.
233
00:09:01,647 --> 00:09:02,796
Honey! No, no, no.
234
00:09:10,072 --> 00:09:11,573
All right, I put Boyd to bed,
235
00:09:11,608 --> 00:09:13,041
but I'm already late for work.
236
00:09:13,075 --> 00:09:14,710
C-can't you just stay with him?
237
00:09:14,744 --> 00:09:16,345
I can't. I got the strike meeting.
238
00:09:16,379 --> 00:09:18,397
Look, don't worry. Boyd is gonna be fine.
239
00:09:18,431 --> 00:09:19,832
If he's anything like me,
240
00:09:19,866 --> 00:09:21,683
he's gonna stop crying in an hour
241
00:09:21,718 --> 00:09:24,136
and just be scared of spiders
for the rest of his life.
242
00:09:25,271 --> 00:09:26,922
I got to go.
243
00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:28,056
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
244
00:09:28,090 --> 00:09:29,391
All right. There.
245
00:09:29,425 --> 00:09:31,727
His, uh, pants are clean and dry.
246
00:09:31,761 --> 00:09:35,981
God. Has he ever wet
himself like that before?
247
00:09:36,032 --> 00:09:38,484
Every time he's seen a
spider twice his size.
248
00:09:38,535 --> 00:09:39,902
So, no, never.
249
00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:42,171
I know. I am so sorry.
250
00:09:42,205 --> 00:09:44,072
You know, I-I think you
should run the Haunted House.
251
00:09:44,107 --> 00:09:46,375
- Where did Ryan just go?
- Strike meeting.
252
00:09:46,409 --> 00:09:49,411
Boy, on cabbage night? Is nothing sacred?
253
00:09:49,445 --> 00:09:52,280
You know, clearly, today was all my fault.
254
00:09:52,298 --> 00:09:53,832
Honey, I-I just made that Haunted House
255
00:09:53,883 --> 00:09:55,000
too scary for little kids.
256
00:09:55,051 --> 00:09:56,468
The Haunted House wasn't too scary,
257
00:09:56,503 --> 00:09:57,669
and this is not your fault.
258
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:01,173
Whose fault is it then? What... Me?!
259
00:10:01,224 --> 00:10:03,642
All I did was put up posters
with the wrong tape, okay?
260
00:10:03,676 --> 00:10:04,960
How is this my fault?
261
00:10:04,978 --> 00:10:07,295
You don't deal with that
kid being afraid of anything.
262
00:10:07,313 --> 00:10:09,381
He can't sleep at night,
so you leave the light on.
263
00:10:09,415 --> 00:10:11,733
He won't go to bed, so you
let him sleep with you guys.
264
00:10:11,768 --> 00:10:14,853
You take him to a petting zoo,
and you shoo away the goats.
265
00:10:16,156 --> 00:10:19,307
- You know about the goat trauma.
- Oh, yeah.
266
00:10:19,325 --> 00:10:22,194
Tries to milk a male goat?
I'm with the male goat on this.
267
00:10:23,479 --> 00:10:25,614
You got to teach that kid to
deal with uncomfortable things.
268
00:10:25,648 --> 00:10:27,199
Otherwise, he'll be sitting on that couch,
269
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,034
he'll learn that Hillary's
running for president,
270
00:10:29,085 --> 00:10:30,702
he's gonna wet the couch.
271
00:10:32,172 --> 00:10:33,956
I don't think that's gonna happen, honey.
272
00:10:33,990 --> 00:10:36,792
Oh, trust me, she's running.
273
00:10:38,795 --> 00:10:40,429
I'm sorry, dad, okay,
274
00:10:40,463 --> 00:10:42,264
but I am not taking
Boyd to school tomorrow.
275
00:10:42,298 --> 00:10:44,132
I don't want him going through
that Haunted House again.
276
00:10:44,166 --> 00:10:45,267
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
277
00:10:45,301 --> 00:10:48,003
He runs into stuff that's unpleasant,
278
00:10:48,021 --> 00:10:49,688
you rob him of the chance to overcome it.
279
00:10:49,722 --> 00:10:50,973
All right, I have to, okay?
280
00:10:51,007 --> 00:10:52,808
What if he chickens out
in front of his friends
281
00:10:52,842 --> 00:10:55,477
o-or, even worse, pees his pants again?
282
00:10:55,511 --> 00:10:58,447
Hey, hey. What if we put him in
a costume that's really absorbent?
283
00:10:59,983 --> 00:11:03,619
Wasn't...wasn't he
spongebob a few years ago?
284
00:11:03,653 --> 00:11:07,122
Here's an idea... let's
put him back in there,
285
00:11:07,156 --> 00:11:09,124
he can face that spider,
and maybe come out there
286
00:11:09,158 --> 00:11:10,259
feeling like a little hero.
287
00:11:10,293 --> 00:11:11,577
Yeah. That... that would be great.
288
00:11:11,628 --> 00:11:12,861
But...but what if it doesn't work?
289
00:11:12,879 --> 00:11:14,580
You remember when you were his age?
290
00:11:14,631 --> 00:11:15,964
You didn't want to take swim lessons.
291
00:11:15,999 --> 00:11:17,532
You were afraid to go off the diving board,
292
00:11:17,550 --> 00:11:18,884
and I wouldn't let you
stop the swim lessons.
293
00:11:18,918 --> 00:11:20,052
Remember why?
294
00:11:20,086 --> 00:11:22,537
Yeah, 'cause you already
paid that guy 40 bucks.
295
00:11:24,891 --> 00:11:26,508
I didn't want you to quit.
296
00:11:26,542 --> 00:11:27,910
Yeah, I remember.
297
00:11:27,944 --> 00:11:29,711
You...you climbed up there,
wrapped your arms around me,
298
00:11:29,746 --> 00:11:31,379
and we jumped off the board together.
299
00:11:31,397 --> 00:11:34,016
We pretty much invented
synchronized diving, you and I.
300
00:11:34,050 --> 00:11:36,852
But if you hadn't done
it and faced your fear,
301
00:11:36,886 --> 00:11:38,887
you would have never become
the good diver you became.
302
00:11:38,922 --> 00:11:40,439
Okay, dad, if you can
get Boyd to face his fear,
303
00:11:40,490 --> 00:11:42,057
then we'll go to the
Haunted House tomorrow, okay?
304
00:11:42,075 --> 00:11:43,892
- Good night. Mwah.
- Good night.
305
00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:45,727
Let's, uh, try not to traumatize him
306
00:11:45,745 --> 00:11:47,279
any more than necessary.
307
00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:49,665
Well, w-which one of
us was that directed at?
308
00:11:49,699 --> 00:11:50,749
Exactly.
309
00:11:53,736 --> 00:11:56,038
- You.
- You.
310
00:11:56,072 --> 00:11:59,458
It's you. You with the big spider.
311
00:12:01,377 --> 00:12:04,846
Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man,
312
00:12:04,881 --> 00:12:08,850
where the knives, machetes,
and axes are all real.
313
00:12:08,885 --> 00:12:10,686
But don't be afraid
314
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,521
'cause during this Halloween Holiday,
315
00:12:12,555 --> 00:12:15,857
they're also 20% off.
316
00:12:15,892 --> 00:12:18,360
You know, fear... interesting thing.
317
00:12:18,394 --> 00:12:23,198
Fdr said, "the only thing we
have to fear is fear itself."
318
00:12:23,232 --> 00:12:25,701
Of course, that big old
socialist might have added
319
00:12:25,735 --> 00:12:28,020
"you should also fear the
massive government programs
320
00:12:28,054 --> 00:12:30,038
I'll saddle this country with forever!"
321
00:12:30,073 --> 00:12:32,040
[ Chuckles ]
322
00:12:32,075 --> 00:12:33,875
Frank Herbert's book "Dune"
323
00:12:33,910 --> 00:12:36,545
had a great Sci-Fi hero, Paul Muad'dib.
324
00:12:36,579 --> 00:12:39,715
He said, "fear is the mind killer.
325
00:12:39,749 --> 00:12:43,218
Fear is the little death that
brings total obliteration."
326
00:12:43,252 --> 00:12:44,586
If you get really terrified, of course,
327
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:47,389
you obliterate your long Johns...
328
00:12:47,423 --> 00:12:50,058
also on sale here at outdoor man.
329
00:12:50,093 --> 00:12:52,060
But I think mark twain said it best.
330
00:12:52,095 --> 00:12:55,147
"Real courage is the mastery of fear,
331
00:12:55,181 --> 00:12:57,182
not the absence of fear."
332
00:12:57,233 --> 00:12:58,817
Our first responders and firemen
333
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:00,319
aren't brave because they don't feel fear.
334
00:13:00,353 --> 00:13:01,820
Of course they do.
335
00:13:01,854 --> 00:13:04,823
They're brave because they run
into burning buildings anyway.
336
00:13:04,857 --> 00:13:06,141
That's the kind of courage
337
00:13:06,175 --> 00:13:08,143
we should be striving for for all of us.
338
00:13:08,161 --> 00:13:09,477
And no matter what you're afraid of,
339
00:13:09,495 --> 00:13:11,980
I promise you we carry
something at outdoor man
340
00:13:11,998 --> 00:13:13,965
that will kill it.
341
00:13:16,319 --> 00:13:18,787
[Knock on door] Hey, Boyd, I
really want you to try to sleep
342
00:13:18,821 --> 00:13:20,488
without the light on, all right?
343
00:13:20,506 --> 00:13:24,593
I'm still thinking about that scary spider.
344
00:13:24,627 --> 00:13:25,761
It's kind of silly.
345
00:13:25,795 --> 00:13:27,996
In these walls alone,
there's thousands of spiders
346
00:13:28,014 --> 00:13:30,248
far more dangerous than that one.
347
00:13:30,283 --> 00:13:31,833
That's probably not very helpful, is it?
348
00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:35,670
None of that stuff was real in there, kid.
349
00:13:35,688 --> 00:13:37,338
You know that, don't you?
350
00:13:37,357 --> 00:13:40,058
I dressed you up like
Frankenstein... you're not a monster
351
00:13:40,109 --> 00:13:42,177
'cause real monsters are ticklish.
352
00:13:42,195 --> 00:13:43,562
And you're not ticklish. [ Laughing ]
353
00:13:47,033 --> 00:13:49,651
Listen, everything you
saw in that house was fake.
354
00:13:49,685 --> 00:13:51,486
So nobody ever had an ax in his head?
355
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,772
Well, given all the axes in
the world and all the heads,
356
00:13:53,806 --> 00:13:56,191
odds are someone has an ax in their head.
357
00:13:56,209 --> 00:13:57,859
But I got a catalog
that we get at the house,
358
00:13:57,877 --> 00:14:00,528
and look what I found...
a jumping spider, $79.99.
359
00:14:00,546 --> 00:14:01,963
It's made out of plastic.
360
00:14:01,998 --> 00:14:05,300
$79.99?
361
00:14:05,334 --> 00:14:06,635
Your grandma paid 80 bucks for that thing?
362
00:14:06,669 --> 00:14:09,137
I'm gonna pee in my pants.
363
00:14:09,172 --> 00:14:11,423
It's just filled with all
the stuff you saw in there.
364
00:14:11,474 --> 00:14:14,509
"Crawling monster hand...
buy one, get one free."
365
00:14:14,543 --> 00:14:16,828
Yeah, crawling monster hand...
366
00:14:16,863 --> 00:14:20,432
that's what the girls used
to call me in high school.
367
00:14:20,483 --> 00:14:23,268
There's nothing in here
for you to be scared of,
368
00:14:23,319 --> 00:14:25,604
and there's nothing in
there to be scared of.
369
00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:27,889
Would you think about going
in that Haunted House again?
370
00:14:27,907 --> 00:14:30,058
- I don't know.
- What if I went with you?
371
00:14:30,076 --> 00:14:31,059
And I will go with you.
372
00:14:31,077 --> 00:14:33,044
I'll hold your hand, you and I together.
373
00:14:33,079 --> 00:14:34,446
Okay.
374
00:14:34,497 --> 00:14:36,531
Okay.
375
00:14:36,565 --> 00:14:38,200
It takes a brave man to face his fears.
376
00:14:38,234 --> 00:14:39,534
It really does.
377
00:14:39,568 --> 00:14:41,453
And you're a brave man, Boyd Baxter.
378
00:14:41,504 --> 00:14:43,004
All right.
379
00:14:43,039 --> 00:14:46,124
Just you sleep tight. I'm
gonna shut the lights off.
380
00:14:46,175 --> 00:14:47,642
And as my grandma says, "sleep tight,
381
00:14:47,677 --> 00:14:50,345
and don't let the bedbugs bite."
382
00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:53,815
Bedbugs?
383
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:02,851
Sports!
384
00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:06,371
Hey, who's out there?!
385
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,459
Because you're just in
time for batting practice.
386
00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,044
Eve, it's me, Mandy.
387
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,879
What's our home phone number?
388
00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:17,382
Star-4.
389
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,749
[ Sighs ] It is you.
390
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:22,587
Okay, why are you TP'ing your own house?
391
00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:25,256
- Did you forget where you live again?
- No.
392
00:15:25,274 --> 00:15:27,925
No, these, um...these, like,
big football players came by,
393
00:15:27,943 --> 00:15:29,027
and I scared them off,
394
00:15:29,061 --> 00:15:31,479
so I had to take the stuff away from them.
395
00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:34,148
Nice try, Mandy, but if
the football team was here,
396
00:15:34,199 --> 00:15:36,934
you would have invited them
into the bushes with you.
397
00:15:36,952 --> 00:15:38,936
All right, you know what?
398
00:15:38,988 --> 00:15:40,771
I was actually out here because I felt bad
399
00:15:40,789 --> 00:15:42,907
for being mean to you
earlier, but I don't anymore,
400
00:15:42,941 --> 00:15:43,908
because you deserve it.
401
00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:46,911
Wait.
402
00:15:46,945 --> 00:15:50,415
So, you're saying you've
been out in the cold
403
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,083
trying to make it look like we got TP'D
404
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:55,053
because you want to protect my feelings?
405
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,838
Yeah, but it was a stupid idea,
406
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,756
thinking that you had feelings.
407
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:00,008
Thank you.
408
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:02,894
What?
409
00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:06,898
I said, "thank you."
410
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:09,567
That was a nice thing
you couldn't quite do.
411
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:14,772
T.P.'ing is not as easy as it looks.
412
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,108
You're not as easy as you look, Mandy,
413
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:19,243
despite all my killer slams on the topic.
414
00:16:21,163 --> 00:16:24,982
Sometimes I say that stuff because...
415
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,285
It just bugs me how popular you are.
416
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,454
Hey, you could be popular, too,
417
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,289
if you just changed every single thing
418
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:34,208
that you do in high school.
419
00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:36,260
Well, I'm pretty popular with my crowd.
420
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,630
Mm. The unpopular kids.
421
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,999
[ Smacks lips ] Yep. That's my posse.
422
00:16:42,017 --> 00:16:43,834
Hey, who needs cool kids
423
00:16:43,852 --> 00:16:45,169
when you have an awesome big sister
424
00:16:45,187 --> 00:16:48,106
willing to TP her own yard for you, hmm?
425
00:16:50,008 --> 00:16:51,609
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
426
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,914
- Vanessa: Hey, Mike?
- Hmm?
427
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,016
You need to go to the store.
428
00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,283
I don't think we have enough candy
429
00:16:59,318 --> 00:17:01,119
for the
trick-or-treaters tonight.
430
00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:02,853
Oh, there's plenty.
431
00:17:02,905 --> 00:17:04,689
You just got to use an
old trick my dad taught me.
432
00:17:04,707 --> 00:17:06,457
- You put one in,
right? - Uh-huh.
433
00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:08,960
And while they're not
looking, you take two out.
434
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:10,628
Oh, stop. That's terrible!
435
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:12,747
Aren't you supposed to be
on your broomstick about now?
436
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:14,415
[ Sighs ] No, no.
437
00:17:14,466 --> 00:17:16,467
Uh, Kristin's gonna run
the Haunted House tonight.
438
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,252
No, I meant your real broomstick.
439
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:20,755
This place is looking like a pigsty.
440
00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:22,206
Oh, cut it out, cut it out!
441
00:17:22,224 --> 00:17:25,009
I'm just trying to cheer you up.
442
00:17:25,043 --> 00:17:26,761
Yeah, and you stink
at it. Y-you know what?
443
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:28,479
I feel bad enough about the Haunted House.
444
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:29,847
I really... I don't want to go.
445
00:17:29,881 --> 00:17:30,982
Honey, you did all the work.
446
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:33,050
Yeah, and I screwed it all up.
447
00:17:33,068 --> 00:17:36,437
I got all caught up trying
to relive my PTA Glory days.
448
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:37,739
[ Chuckles ]
449
00:17:37,773 --> 00:17:40,891
A geology career just wasn't
as fulfilling as you thought.
450
00:17:40,909 --> 00:17:43,227
You trying to cheer me up again?
451
00:17:43,245 --> 00:17:45,329
I never understood why you
did all that PTA work anyway.
452
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,664
Honey, you know what?
453
00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:47,999
It's just... it's such a rush
454
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:49,317
doing something with the kids
455
00:17:49,351 --> 00:17:52,236
and... and having it turn out really well.
456
00:17:52,254 --> 00:17:53,538
You should go.
457
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:57,875
No. You know what? It's...
it's not mine anymore.
458
00:17:57,909 --> 00:17:59,210
It's Kristin's PTA,
459
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,679
and then it should be her Haunted House.
460
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,014
It's probably full
461
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:07,051
of boring pumpkin lights
and mermaids, but...
462
00:18:07,085 --> 00:18:09,721
But you do this to support the
people you love. You should go.
463
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,257
Well, want to come and support me?
464
00:18:13,275 --> 00:18:16,978
Boy, I painted myself into that corner.
465
00:18:18,113 --> 00:18:19,363
Did you guys see the yard?
466
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,532
- What?
- We got hit on mischief night.
467
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:24,035
- What? No.
- Yeah. Come here.
468
00:18:28,123 --> 00:18:31,108
Oh, for crap's sake.
469
00:18:31,126 --> 00:18:35,546
Oh! It's a winter wonderland!
470
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:37,915
I know! It's a mess!
471
00:18:37,949 --> 00:18:41,419
Wouldn't it be cool if the
Google car drove by now?
472
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,458
Mandy: Where did all this come from?
473
00:18:47,476 --> 00:18:49,960
It's from my junior ROTC Platoon.
474
00:18:49,978 --> 00:18:53,731
And they left their calling card.
475
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:55,233
I can't get too mad.
476
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,018
They bought these at outdoor man.
477
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,471
Honey, somebody took those pants off
478
00:19:00,489 --> 00:19:02,240
in your daughter's front yard.
479
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,026
All right, I'm mad.
480
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,977
Hey, Mandy, this is way more toilet paper
481
00:19:06,995 --> 00:19:08,196
than you got last year.
482
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:09,530
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it down a notch.
483
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:11,032
Act like you've been there before.
484
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,366
All right. You know what, Mike?
485
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:14,285
This is a big job. We'd better get started.
486
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,003
Just let her enjoy it a little bit.
487
00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:21,158
And then we'll make her
clean it up all by herself.
488
00:19:21,176 --> 00:19:22,877
[ Laughs ]
489
00:19:29,425 --> 00:19:31,464
Sweetie, you look amazing! Wow!
490
00:19:31,625 --> 00:19:34,845
Oh, please. I am half the hag you are.
491
00:19:34,896 --> 00:19:36,563
Now, come on. Don't fight, girls.
492
00:19:36,597 --> 00:19:38,765
You're both tremendous hags.
493
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,601
Hold on. Boyd, Boyd, Boyd!
494
00:19:41,635 --> 00:19:42,986
So, um, did you change a lot?
495
00:19:43,021 --> 00:19:44,905
You probably got rid of
the big spider, right?
496
00:19:44,939 --> 00:19:46,406
No, mom. It's still your Haunted House.
497
00:19:46,441 --> 00:19:48,992
The kids all love it exactly the way it is.
498
00:19:49,027 --> 00:19:52,979
Aww. The Baxter PTA Legacy is secure.
499
00:19:52,997 --> 00:19:55,148
Well, you know, who cares
about the Baxter Legacy?
500
00:19:55,166 --> 00:19:58,035
I mean, it... it's
really all for the...Kids.
501
00:19:58,984 --> 00:20:02,119
I guess it's time for
Boyd to face his fears.
502
00:20:02,322 --> 00:20:03,256
All right, Frank, you ready?
503
00:20:03,290 --> 00:20:04,841
Just like we talked about. Ready?
504
00:20:04,875 --> 00:20:06,445
- No, grandpa. I don't want to.
- Yes, we're going.
505
00:20:06,616 --> 00:20:07,624
No, stop, stop.
506
00:20:07,661 --> 00:20:09,012
Listen, I told you, it's
all phony stuff. It's fake.
507
00:20:09,046 --> 00:20:10,513
- We've looked at the catalog, remember?
- I know.
508
00:20:10,548 --> 00:20:14,551
That's why... I want to go in alone.
509
00:20:14,602 --> 00:20:17,003
Yeah? Really? Are you sure?
510
00:20:17,021 --> 00:20:19,055
He's going in. You're going in by yourself.
511
00:20:19,106 --> 00:20:21,307
- We're right out here.
- Kristin: Good luck, sweetie.
512
00:20:22,676 --> 00:20:25,445
Dismembered lumberjack... $64.99!
513
00:20:25,479 --> 00:20:29,449
Drop-down Spooky Ghost $49.99.
514
00:20:29,483 --> 00:20:32,619
$50 for a freaking ghost?!
515
00:20:32,653 --> 00:20:34,153
You've got to be kidding me!
516
00:20:35,188 --> 00:20:36,489
I-I heard you guys got hit
517
00:20:36,523 --> 00:20:37,907
pretty bad for cabbage night, huh?
518
00:20:37,958 --> 00:20:39,191
We were slawed.
519
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:41,360
Why was Eve happy about being TP'D?
520
00:20:41,378 --> 00:20:42,829
You wouldn't understand, dad, okay?
521
00:20:42,863 --> 00:20:44,714
You were never a teenage girl.
522
00:20:44,748 --> 00:20:46,216
You don't know everything about me.
523
00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,751
The '70s were a time of experimentation.
524
00:20:48,802 --> 00:20:51,037
[ Laughing ] Okay.
525
00:20:51,055 --> 00:20:53,756
Uh, that...that cowboy went in
with Boyd and he's already out.
526
00:20:53,807 --> 00:20:56,208
I-I wonder if Boyd's okay.
527
00:20:56,227 --> 00:20:57,376
You don't think he got stuck again
528
00:20:57,394 --> 00:20:58,595
staring at that stupid spider?
529
00:20:58,646 --> 00:20:59,762
No, no. No, he's Frankenstein.
530
00:20:59,813 --> 00:21:00,880
He's probably being chased around
531
00:21:00,898 --> 00:21:01,981
by the villagers with torches, you know?
532
00:21:02,016 --> 00:21:05,217
[ Stammers ] Oh, stay there. I'm on it.
533
00:21:05,236 --> 00:21:07,386
Boyd...hey, Boyd.
534
00:21:07,404 --> 00:21:08,488
Boyd!
535
00:21:08,522 --> 00:21:10,723
Come on, Boyd. It's grandpa. It's okay.
536
00:21:10,724 --> 00:21:11,707
Boyd, come on out.
537
00:21:11,708 --> 00:21:12,896
- Boo!
- [ Whimpers ]
538
00:21:14,428 --> 00:21:16,162
It's fun to be scared. Isn't it, grandpa?
539
00:21:16,229 --> 00:21:19,499
Is it? Is it really fun?
540
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:22,568
Was my arm numb when we walked in here?
541
00:21:24,288 --> 00:21:26,072
Whoa.
542
00:21:26,090 --> 00:21:27,507
Hey, you see there?
543
00:21:27,541 --> 00:21:30,009
That spider is not that scary.
544
00:21:30,044 --> 00:21:31,060
And not worth 80 bucks.
40611
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