Original subtitles

Look like Stu just brought a friend.

Child's play.

Four guys?

Don't insult me.

Let's go.

Welcome to our new home, gentlemen.

I want security everywhere, though, all right?

Cameras in these corners, and back there, too.

You and I are gonna be in the front.

I'll meet him at the entrance.

I want you on the right.

I want you in this way.

I'm gonna come in.

You're gonna loop around.

We'll take 'em right here in the middle.

They're not gonna see it coming.

You're gonna be with me here in the middle, and then-

Uh-uh.

All right, here's gonna be your office.

Here's mine.

I don't know if you're gonna get one.

We're also gonna be here, too.

Shoot 'em.

Oh, damn.

Ya' still hanging around, huh?

Okay.

Good morning, Louis Lane.

You're looking mighty like cute today.

No, no, no, no.

Yes, you are.

I said it, and you doing it.

Did you just wink at me?

I know you did.

Yeah, I love it.

Mr. Boyd, you are two months

past due on all your loans.

Nope.

This is the Bank of San Francisco

calling for Chester.

This is your agent.

The deadline for the treatments passed.

That really puts me in pickle.

I know, I know, I know.

Hi, Chester.

This is Amy calling from Doggy Daycare.

We do have an opening today.

Oh, let's see what the doctor has to say.

This is Amy.

Hey, Amy.

Yeah, it's Chester.

Hey Chester. Hi.

Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with her.

I'm hoping it's nothing.

But ever since her fall, she, uh,

she hasn't been the same.

Anytime before noon, you can come in?

Oh, that, that's great.

Thank you.

See soon.

Okay. Bye.

Oh, I'm sure you're okay. I know.

I'm sure you're pretty good.

Get over here!

Get over here.

Yes, you are the cutest thing in the world.

You're the cutest thing. Okay?

I gotta go get dressed.

Okay, get this job.

I'm gonna get this job for us.

Okay.

♪ It feels so good to known to like this ♪

♪ To been known like this ♪

♪ To be known like this ♪

♪ It feels so good ♪

♪ To live a dream ♪

♪ To know what love must mean ♪

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Hey!

Over here.

Hey.

I don't know what's wrong with it.

I won't start.

I don't know.

I dated a mechanic once, and he was, like,

trying to explain things to me, but I was, like,

"I don't know what you're saying.

Can we just drive?".

And he was, like, "Take a look under my hood".

And I was, like, "Is that a euphemism?

I don't know.

You're making me uncomfortable...

Anyway, and it didn't last.

Today is the day.

I got this job interview.

This ones for you, Lois Lane!

So, it looks like little Lois Lane

is going to need emergency gallbladder surgery.

Oh, gosh. Is that bad?

Well, we're not exactly sure how

her gallbladder ruptured, but the sooner she can

get to an operating table, the better.

Yeah. I mean, whatever it takes.

Look, Jamie, she's all I have.

Okay.

I wanna be up front with you,

that this type of operation can run up to $8,000.

$8,000.

I don't have that kind of money.

It, Is there anything else we can do?

Not at this time.

I don't know what to say, Chester.

Uh, look, Chester, how about this?

How about we take Lois Lane, so we can

properly care for her, while you figure it out?

Claire will take her when we're done.

But, just let you know, she probably has about

six days max, if she doesn't get the surgery.

So, let me know as soon as possible.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

I'm sorry, but she's in good hands right now.

Hey, girl.

Is this seat taken?

I'm waiting for someone.

Are you that someone?

I can be. Tell me what you need.

Um. No.

The man I'm waiting for already knows what I need.

Oh, I can-

Thank you.

Next.

Can I help you?

Oh, yeah. Can I borrow?

I mean, can I have the hot sauce?

Thank you.

Nope. Not today.

You are the plumber.

I'm sorry I didn't recognize you.

You said green jacket.

That's clearly olive.

I get it, though.

I understand the need for discretion in your line of work.

Plumbing?

Yes.

I'm sorry if I was rude earlier.

I'd been waiting, and I was starting to get antsy.

I still very much need my pipes cleared.

Mm, now I see what you're doing here.

I can clear your pipes, baby girl.

No problem.

Tell me what you need, and how you like it.

And, you know, how far you live from here?

I live, not too far from here, but I don't see-

How long do you think it will take to get the job done?

Depends on how thoroughly you want your pipes clean.

I mean, we can do a 10 minute session,

or we can go until you're completely satisfied.

10 minutes?

Um.

That's it?

Uh.

Oh, you are fast.

I guess I found a pro.

Oh, I'm good at my job.

I get the job done.

Heh-heh-heh.

So, tell me what you need.

And how you I like it.

What?

I told you what I needed over the phone.

Are you not the plumber?

Oh, the phone.

Look, I don't want to hear about that other guy.

Let's just say, he couldn't make it.

So, he sent a real plumber to take care of the job.

How unprofessional!

I can't believe he didn't tell me

somebody else would be taking his place.

What? Excuse me?

Nothing.

I brought the down payment.

As we discussed.

Um, just so we're on the same page.

What exactly are the details of this job?

I'll leave it up to you as to how you wanna handle it,

but, before you make it look like an accident,

other than that, just, you know?

Oh, well I usually don't get down like that.

But, you know, I'm game.

Well,

how about?

Oh, shit.

What, is 12,000 not enough?

$12,000?

Yes, 12,000!

Did he not tell you?

I'm-

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Slow down, sister girl.

I have skills.

Skills that get results.

Did you just lower your voice?

No, It's my real voice.

No, it's not.

Anyway, just tell me a little bit about the situation.

I'm sure we can work something out.

If I tell you anything else, you're in.

All

the way

in.

Uh, I'm confused again.

Are we still talking about the same type of plumbing?

And, what happens after?

You'll get another 24 when the job is done.

40,000.

Done.

Damn, I was gonna say 50.

I was prepared to go a hundred.

Damn it.

Now, do we have a deal?

This dude, he's a really bad dude, right?

Huh, you have no idea.

Hmm. Damn, you really smell good.

Whatever.

Just give me your number, and I'll send you the details.

I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself.

I'm Sarah Lee.

You mean like the, like, like the cupcake Sarah Lee?

Like-

♪ Nobody does ♪ Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Now, I need details about him.

Are you squinting your eyes?

No.

Continue.

Continue with what?

Details. Like, why do you want 'em gone?

Why come you just don't leave 'em?

Are there kids involved?

Wife? Folk horn lover?

Are we going back to your place?

And, when do you need it done?

No, we're not going back to my house!

At least, not yet.

And, I'm not married.

It's my stupid adopted brother.

So, you're saying there's a chance.

Anyway, so, why do you really wanna get rid of him?

Aside from the fact that he's a travesty to humanity,

trying to take what's mine?

He's a loser with the loser job.

Yeah, what does he do for work?

He's an Uber driver!

Well, I mean, that's a great career opportunity.

They're growing in a lot of cities.

So, what do you do for work?

I'm a plastic surgeon.

He should step his game up a bit.

What else?

First off, he's freaking adopted because

my parents thought that they couldn't have kids.

But then, God blessed them with me,

their own flesh and blood.

And, they still think that he's the golden child.

I did everything right.

I was an early talker.

I was valedictorian in high school.

I graduated cumma sum laude from college.

How do you spell that? I got a PhD.

I contribute to my 401k.

I floss every day.

There was he, who wet the bed when we were kids,

and was afraid of the dark.

I was, too.

One time, he ran over our family dog!

And then-

What? Wh-wh-wh-what?

Yes!

Wait, hold on!

Let me make sure Pugjin moves out of the way!

Stupid Pugjin.

Pugjin, no!

What?

He hates dogs!

Hates them!

This guy sounds horrible!

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what? Why can I find him?

You can start by calling an Uber.

There's this group of guys who hang out in this parking lot.

It's called the Hot Zone.

Text me to Uber Hot Zone information,

and I'll get it done.

I got you.

You do smell good, though.

Come on, Chester!

You got this!

You know what?

You got the money.

It'll definitely get you outta debt.

And, I'ma do this for Lois Lane.

Yes!

You know what?

How hard is it to kill someone?

I mean, they do it on Game of Thrones all the time.

I could be like the black Arya Stark!

Take that, Ice King!

Hello?

Hi neighbor.

I was wondering if you had any aspirin I could borrow?

Hi! Sorry to bother you.

I was wondering if you had any aspirin?

I just ran out.

Sorry, I'm Tasha.

From apartment B.

The aspirin?

Huh? What? Huh-

Aspirin? Oh, aspirin!

Do you have any?

Yes!

Yes, yes!

Damn it!

Sorry.

Sorry. Do you wanna come in?

I, so I don't slam door on your face again?

Sure.

Okay, here we go.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oop, there it goes again.

I almost did it again.

Thanks. Yeah, come on in.

Oh, I love your shirt.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Thanks.

So, how long you've been living here?

Uh, about two and a half, three years.

And you?

Oh, I moved in about six months ago.

Actually, it was about five months, four days,

three hours, 26 minutes, and 37 seconds.

But who's actually counting?

Not me.

Say what?

Oh, I was just counting the aspirin out.

How many I should give you.

I mean, how many you should take.

You should inject, or I should feed you?

I mean, so you don't have to go to the store.

Okay, great.

Wow, that's, that's different.

Are you in the medical field?

Oh, no.

My sister's a nurse.

So, when we would get sick,

she would give us aspirin like this.

Kinda become a habit.

You want eight?

Yeah, that's fine.

Thank you.

You got it.

Oh, wow!

You should be careful leaving money like that laying around.

Oh, oh, yeah.

That's, that's my advance.

I'm a, I'm a writer, so gotta get to the bank.

Cool! A writer? Wow!

So, do you write books or movies?

Movies. Movies.

Um, you know, researching a character now,

just taking notes, getting as much information

about the character as possible.

You know what, that's a good writer.

You know, really digging into the character,

and finding out all those good traits, and bad traits.

Exactly.

Cool. Well you know what?

I know you're gonna kill it.

I could tell.

I hope so.

Well, thank you so much again.

You're welcome.

And, if there's anything you ever need,

please let me know.

Okay.

I would love to pay you back.

And, you know, maybe I can have you on my podcast,

make an appearance after your book is done.

Yeah. Um, sure thing. Yeah.

Okay, great.

Oh, and I'm Chester.

I know.

You do?

Bye.

Hell, yes!

What the-

Are you okay?

Yep.

All right.

I'm well. I'm good. Trust me.

Okay. Chester, you got two options.

Long sleeve. More menacing.

Ooh, I like that.

Ooh. And then short sleeve, kind of cruel.

Hey, how you doing?

Stay in character! Stay in character!

Stay in character!

What's your name?

It doesn't matter.

You're not gonna make it through the day.

Oh!

Short sleeve? Long sleeve?

Short sleeve? Long sleeve?

That's it.

Let's get 'em!

Oh, long sleeve? No!

Short sleeve! Short sleeve.

What did she say his name was again?

Hmm, Tyrone.

Well, how am I gonna find a Tyrone in this-

Brothers.

Bingo.

Got you.

So yeah, I was over there at the Cuyhanga Beanery,

and this guy just kept on bugging me.

I was like, man, this is too much!

You opened the door for them, too?

I had to open the-

Excuse me, guys.

Yep, yep, yep.

Excuse me.

This guy just kept on annoying me.

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt.

Sorry I need to go to the airport.

I'm like, where the hell you going?

You know, he just kept on buttin' in my conversation, and-

Pardon me, guys. Excuse me.

And I just-What!

Oh! What? What? What?

What?

I'm, I'm looking for Tyrone.

Are you Tyrone?

What?

Just because we're black, don't mean I'm no damn Tyrone!

What the hell's wrong with you?

That's racist.

Very.

Oh, no. That's not what-

Man, get the hell outta here!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean, you-

You can leave now.

Oh.

Bye.

Adios.

Au revoir.

Ciao! Beat it!

Get the hell outta here!

I'm just messing with you, man.

Yes.

I'm Fred!

Hey. Chester. Hey, man!

Chester.

What a name.

Uh, this is Kyle.

Uh, and Tyrone is,

over there.

Yo, Tyrone!

That's your boy.

I know, I know.

I wouldn't trust him.

His name is Tyrone, and he's Asian.

Yeah.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah.

Don't eat the noodles.

Oh, hi Chester.

Going to Camarillo, huh?

Yep.

Oh, that's a hike.

But, I'm glad you chose me.

Ump.

People would kill to get this gig.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

This is like a $50, $60 fare.

That's high request.

I'm the lucky one, heh-heh.

Hey, you like rap music?

No, not really.

I, I mean, it's cool.

I love it. You know?

Oh, I love, uh, Dr. Dre, LL Cool J,

you know, Eminem, Snoop Dog!

Wu-Tang!

They're killing it.

Man, they're really good.

Yeah, I usually-

I'm more of an R&B, New Edition-type guy.

♪ So sit, 32, if you know how to flip ♪

Really? Yeah.

♪ If you knew how to whip ♪ Huh. Cool.

Whew!

You only listen to rap so much a day.

You know what I mean?

So why'd you have it on?

Well, you know, in training they say that,

uh, you know, you should play the most

popular music according to your rider.

And, uh, I've been getting a lot of, uh,

black brothers requests today, and, um-

He says things that make me wanna knock his head off!

I mean, you know he's trying to adapt.

But, ugh!

You do know that's racist, right?

Is it really?

Yeah.

Oh, well, my bad, Homes!

And that.

True. True that.

That also.

Hey, Tyrone, you know what?

Why don't you just be you?

It's probably better.

You're right.

Um-

I'm sorry, like, uh,

if I offended you,

like, I apologize.

No, that's cool.

I think I'ma get to know him first.

Why?

So, what's your story?

Every Uber driver has a story.

You married? Going to school?

Gay? Struggling hip-hop artist?

Nah, no, none of the above.

I'm, uh, actually just starting out to become an actor.

Oh. Yeah.

I know it's a little bit late in the game, but, you know,

like they say, "It's never too late, until you're dead".

I don't think that's a saying.

I'm single, and I'm ready to mingle.

Yeah.

I mean, do you have any family, or anything?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I got, uh, my grandparents, you know,

they're getting up there in age.

And my, my parents live nearby, and I got a sister.

She's pretty cool.

And, she thinks I look like, uh-

Broke ass.

Jackie Chan!

Um.

Yeah, she's, she's not too keen on the whole,

uh, Uber thing, but-

She doesn't understand the opportunities, you know,

and the flexibility for auditions.

Yeah, that's true.

You get a lot of auditions?

No.

But, you know, it's a numbers game.

So-

Yeah.

And, you got a point there.

I mean, have you booked any gigs?

Anything?

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Oh, I had an industrial commercial for Tampax.

It was good.

You know, I made a little money, so, you know,

I got my Sag card last year, which is our union,

so I think it's gonna be a good year.

He likes to pick his ears in the middle of talking,

cause he's excited.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It's disgusting.

Agreed.

What about you?

What, what do you do?

Well, me, I'm, huh, I'm in business for myself,

so I dabble in a little bit of this,

a little bit of that, you know?

I'm actually doing research as we speak.

Cool, heh-heh-heh.

Research.

I bet you're really good at what you do, heh-heh.

It's, it's a new process.

Um, I'm still trying to see if I like it.

Oh, you're gonna be great.

I'm, I'm pulling for you, Chester.

I know you're gonna be awesome.

Thanks?

Oh! Oh, sweet!

What? You all right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, sorry.

I just got a notification for tee time this Friday

at this course I've been wanting to play at.

Wait.

You play golf?

I really love the game.

That's funny, because I love the game, also.

Shut the front door, and take off your shoes!

No way!

Yeah. No way!

Yeah. No way!

Yeah! Ya!

How long have you been playin'?

I've been playing for about, what, four to five years now.

What's your handicap?

I'm about a 14, 12 on a good day, though.

Wow.

But I cannot chip to save my life, at all.

That's my forte! What?

Forte! I can drive it.

Good.

Cause I can drive it like Shaq!

Maybe we can help each other?

Yeah.

That'll be cool.

On three, who's your favorite player? 1, 2, 3-

Bubba Watson!

Really?

Dude!

We should, we should definitely play.

Oh, man, Tyrone.

Yeah, that'll be cool.

Yeah! That'll be really cool.

That'd be awesome!

You know what?

Thanks, Tyrone.

You're a really good Uber driver.

I'm gonna give you five stars.

Five.

Wow.

You know, hit me up if you wanna play some golf sometime.

I like it.

Hey, man.

Thanks again.

Too soon, huh?

Yeah.

What the hell am I gonna do in Camarillo?

Damn!

Gotta call another Uber?

That's $150.

Camarillo.

Yo, Chester!

Damn it! The devil.

Hey. What's up, Devil Breath?

I mean, Darren Breaks?

What did I tell you about using my full government name?

That's the only thing your saucy about?

Look.

Anyway, what's going on?

Your rents late.

Again.

And,

I saw Tasha in your crib!

You know, that's my girl!

Dude, you guys went on one date, and then she ghosted you.

Plus, Lois Lane needs surgery, so-

So?

And Tasha, shouldn't be in your crib, for any reason.

Wow. I didn't know she unghosted you that quick.

Now, that's fast.

Like, from that to that. Wow.

Well, I, you, well, you look-

What? Well-

Just, say it.

Stay away!

I'm not telling you again.

Oh!

Aww!

Ugh! Uh.

Jesus!

Ugh!

You do know that's how they killed Houdini, right?

Everybody knows that!

Now, you look.

Stay away from her.

Don't make me have to tell you again.

And, your rent needs to be here by the end of next week.

Yes.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Okay. I got it.

Ugh.

Hey!

Wow. He's excited.

Bro! Uh, dude!

I'm so excited you can make it!

I was actually just dropping the kids off

at the pool when you texted.

I'm excited, too.

Wait.

Thought you didn't have any kids?

Oh, I don't.

I was, uh, taking the Brown's to the Super Bowl.

Their vacation.

Oh. Let's go.

Guess I stepped into that.

Excited.

Man, look at us.

Look like, "Reservoir Dogs".

Keep left! Keep left!

Hit it!

Uh! Oh!

You see it?

Nope.

You gotta take a drop.

Let me go get it.

Let me go get it!

Ah.

Cool.

Nice shot.

You know?

Wow.

Hello?

Hey, where are you?

Who's this?

You know who this is.

It's Sarah.

Who? Oh, hey!

How, how you doing?

I'm good.

But, it doesn't matter how I'm doing.

Have you figured out when this will be done?

Yeah.

I'm just gathering a lot more info.

Um, you know what?

You might wanna reconsider.

He's actually a nice guy.

Well, that isn't for you to decide, is it?

I need to know when you think this will be done.

Are you, laughing?

No.

I, I, I sneezed.

Oh, well.

Bless you.

Oh, bless you, too.

I mean, thank you.

You know what?

Gimme a couple of more days, and it, and it'll be done.

Fine.

Just, uh, keep me posted.

Will do.

Dude!

What a shot!

I know!

Yeah, man.

No.

It's a saga.

No. There is no way.

Sa-ga.

Dude.

I can't believe you think Twilight was a great movie.

It was awful.

No, it wasn't!

Look, if I'm gonna be honest, I'm Team Edwards, all the way.

No, no, no, no, no.

Team Jacob.

You get to turn into a wolf.

Chicks dig wolves.

And, plus Enesree, in that last one.

Wow, she was dope!

Uh, I don't know.

First one was pretty killer.

So, Chester, what is it that you do anyway?

I know you say this and that, but I mean, that's like,

you know, what is calculus?

It's just a bunch of numbers.

Come on.

I mean, I'm, I-

I'm doing a challenging project right now,

and, I don't know if I can do it.

I thought it'd be easy, but-

It's tougher than I thought.

Like, at the end of the day,

I think if you truly believe in yourself,

you can do anything.

So-

You know?

Hey, I would like to see some of your work, Ty.

Really?

Yeah.

Hey, you just call me Ty?

Yeah, I mean,

I like Tyrone, but Ty is cool.

Thanks man.

Hey, uh, I got the student film I can show you, but,

you know, it's, it's okay.

Just don't make fun of me.

But, uh, you gotta pay your dues, huh, brother?

It's cool, brother.

It's cool like that brother.

Look, I'm not hurting anymore!

All right?

I'm not hurting anyone!

I'm a good person!

Aww, he's such a good guy.

Is this for everyone?

Oh, he's a really good guy.

Why did I agree to this? Why?

Hey.

What the Freddie Krueger!

Why am I here?

I have a lady's face hanging off, and I told 'em

I needed to get a new face graft from the lab.

Yeah, I have no idea what that is.

I know you don't, I barely do!

Now, why am I here?

Look, I-I can't do this.

He's a really great guy.

I mean, maybe if you two talked, you know,

it would make things better?

He's your brother!

Adopted brother.

And, I don't want him to take what's mine.

You know what?

Fine.

Did you bring my money?

Devil Breath!

Yeah.

Here you go.

I'm a little light.

Are you kidding me?

Look, I'm, I'm sorry.

I, I'll get you the other 11,000 when I, you know,

when I sell my next script or something.

Just gimme a minute.

Oh!

Please, please don't make me have to see him.

I can't get hit again!

Or else he'll continue to treat me like I'm trash!

What?

I didn't want to start off with that.

I didn't think it would come to this!

Behind closed doors, he's a monster.

With his kids, it was worse.

He used to abuse me.

Tyrone.

Hey, Tyrone.

What!

Goodness! He seems like such a nice guy.

Yeah.

That's what everyone thinks.

And it's always been horrible.

And when he started Ubering, it only got worse!

Well, I mean, those are some tough hours.

I can't tell our parents,

because he's the golden child in their eyes.

They'll never see it.

He plays them, and uses 'em

better than you could ever imagine.

He's a true monster.

You know what?

You can owe me rest of the money

when you finish your script.

Wait!

I'll do it.

I, I'll get it done.

Just gimme a couple days.

No, it's okay.

You don't have to.

I'll be all right.

No, no, no.

I got you, sister girl.

I got you.

Um!

Um?

Um!

Oh, you smell wonder-

Oop!

Come on, Chessy-chess.

No, no, not yet.

Not yet.

God.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

He's not a good dude.

He's just, he's not a good dude.

She said "He's not a good dude".

But, on the other hand,

he won't hurt to fly.

I feel that.

But, that's the mark of a good actor.

Oh!

He's playing you.

He's playing you, Chester.

Man, ain't anybody playing me?

I ain't getting played.

If you don't kill him, you gotta tell him.

Oh, you think I'm playing, huh?

You'll do as I say, or I'm gonna rip your face off

with these vice grips!

You know my reach goes beyond a jail cell!

I will kill you, and your whole damn family!

You got that?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, oh. Nope. Nope.

Oh, sorry.

Oh!

Chester.

Hey!

Your early. Yeah.

Come on in!

Quit being out there.

It's so hot out there.

Come on, let's go.

Come on!

Want a PB&J sandwich?

No, uh, uh, I'm okay.

You sure? Yeah, I'm okay.

Just, I started one for you.

That's okay.

Okay. Screw yourself.

I get kind of hungry.

Glad your here.

I was just making snacks later, you know?

I always make myself a lot of snacks.

Take to the golf course since I get so hungry.

You need to have snacks handy.

Otherwise I just, go hypoglycemic.

Uh, I got your message about, uh,

you needed to talk to me about something?

You wanna, um-

Before I forget, can I ask you for a favor?

Did you get a, a new nine iron?

Yeah, like, last month.

Along with the rest of the clubs.

Cool. Cool.

Hey.

Can you help me out?

I need to learn lines.

I got an audition next week, and,

I still need to be off book.

Huh?

Before you came in, I was running my lines, right?

And I, it's just, not in my wheelhouse.

It's this gangster type,

and that's not really my strong suit.

Oh.

So, you were going over your lines?

Yeah.

Well, yes.

Yes, I can help you.

Good man.

I'm gonna go pee now.

Okay.

It's a long drive.

Okay.

I'll be right back. All right.

Whew! See?

He's not a bad dude.

So, you gotta tell him.

Damn it!

I can't.

You know what?

I will tell him.

Whew! So What are you gonna tell me?

Ooh!

I know.

You do?

Um-hmm, I know.

I know.

You, are still too afraid

to ask your neighbor out, aren't you?

No. Yeah. No. What?

Hmm? No.

Huh? It's my-

Y-yes!

Yes. But, you know what?

It's my idiot landlord.

Every time I go to knock on her door, or whatever,

it's like he's there.

It's like, bam, he pops in-and-out a nowhere.

I, I don't know what to do.

He's so in my game.

Hm.

Maybe it's time we teach him a lesson.

S-s-s, if you say so. He's a big dude.

I'm very Asian.

You see these eyes?

Hmm.

Very Asian.

What?

Use that to my advantage.

What?

You know, people say, that Asian people know martial arts,

Kung Fu, Karate, TaeKwonDo.

Mitsubishi.

So, they're scared of us.

Proven fact.

That's racist.

But it's still a fact. A racist fact.

Eh. Eh?

Eh. Eh?

Yeah. Eh.

But, you got me though, right?

You know what I'm saying?

All right. Shoot. I'm game.

Good?

Let's do it.

Yeah? Yeah.

Cool!

Take this.

Let's go.

Ah, that's my chip holder.

Okay, let's try knocking on her door.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, every time I go, it's like clockwork.

He's there.

Okay, let's do it.

Whew.

Hey! Okay.

Dang, I hate when I'm right!

Remember me?

Get over here!

Boy!

Now,

what did I tell you?

Bring mints next time I see you?

Stay

away

from my girl!

Your, your girl?

Yeah, my girl!

Are you sure?

Huh.

Listen here, little man.

Stay away from my woman!

If I have to tell you again,

I'm gonna stuff you in that trash compactor!

Well, I mean this is a free country, with

freedom of speech, and freedom to roam, and everything, so-

No, it's not!

Know your history.

Yes, it is. Know your history.

Oh, you wanna get mouthy, huh?

Ehh!

Is that what you want?

No, dude!

Huh?

Hey!

What is that uniform?

Chester!

Looks like we have a problem.

Where'd he get that from?

That's racist.

Hello, friend.

It appears you are holding my pupil hostage.

Making him late to my class.

Is your mouth not matching your words?

Master Lee,

does not like to wait

for his students.

So, why don't you let go of the midget?

Okay, that was I uncalled for.

Can settle this like

two

grown

men.

Oh, okay buddy.

I don't know.

Listen, I don't want any trouble.

Really.

Especially not from a sensei, so-

Boom-uh! Wuh!

Allergies.

Oh. Bless you.

Thank you very much.

Now, listen.

Yes?

Are you-

Oh! Dragon Breath!

Told you.

You!

You will leave my man alone!

Never bother him again.

If I hear you did not follow my rules,

I will come back and kick

more than just this bike tire!

Whayoo!

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Yes, sensei. Hmm.

Now get outta here!

Uh, oop,

sorry, sensei.

You are forgiven.

Just this once.

Whaoah!

Dude!

It was pretty good! Ha!

What? Dude!

Come on.

I hurt my leg.

Oh. Oh!

That bike is harder than it looks.

Dude, that was crazy!

Holy, snap finger!

Dude, that totally worked!

Yo, you're a good actor.

Man, you should play bad guys more often.

Wait, what if he would've punched you in the face?

Well, thank God I took those acting classes.

Cause if not, you were two seconds away

from being a solo artist, like Bobby Brown.

Look at you!

Hey, you want something to drink?

Uh, sure. I'll take some OJ.

Um, how bout water?

Yeah, that's fine.

Hey, I didn't know you had a dog.

Where is it?

Oh yeah, she's at the vet.

Uh, she just has surgery,

so, they're gonna keep her for a few weeks.

Oh, what happened to her?

Hey, Louis Lane.

What are you doing?

Okay, come here, girl.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's not talk about it.

It's her.

It's the girl! Talk!

Oh! What do I do?

Just put something nice on.

What?

You smell like golf?

I do?

Yes.

What? Oh!

Oh! Okay!

Whew!

No. Get, get a better shirt.

Here, put this on.

Oh! Okay. It's a good shirt.

I smell like Kung Fu.

Hey, Tasha! Hi!

How are you?

Hey, I'm good.

I just wanna return to aspirin I borrowed.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

People usually don't return aspirin,

cause that's a little weird.

No, silly. It's a new bottle.

Oh! No. You know what?

I was kidding.

I was just-

Okay.

Yeah, you don't have to do that.

I mean, we, we, um, I usually don't take aspirin anyway,

so, it kills brain cells, and kills people, and, you know,

that's not good for the environment, and everything.

You know what, I wasn't trying to say I was trying to kill-

I wasn't trying to kill you.

Good thing that I borrowed the aspirin

from you in the first place.

I know-

Now you're saying you don't take it.

Right. But, I was just-

I know, I'm messing with you.

Okay.

Sorry.

Want to go out- Want to come in-

And grab a bite to eat?

You know what, you go fir-

Wait.

Did you ask me to grab a bite to eat?

I did. I did.

So, are you free tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Let me check.

Yes.

I am.

Okay.

Stay around, 6:00?

6:00. I'll be there-

Oh, hell no.

You know what, I'll pick you up.

Where do you live again?

No, I'm just kidding.

I know you live.

You're so silly!

Upstairs.

Thank you.

So, why didn't you ever ask me out?

Too scared?

Who you calling scared? Yes.

Yes, I was.

I was. Yes.

I have to say, you're kind of intimidating.

You got your whole podcast show.

You got this, "Don't mess with me" attitude vibe, sometimes.

Wow. Okay.

You do know you're not helping yourself, right?

Yes. I do.

So, how's the writing going?

I wanna get you on my podcast.

Sure.

Wait!

How you know I'm a writer?

Um, I have my ways.

Stalker! Stalker.

We got a stalker, people, right here.

Stalker.

Stop! Stalker. Looking at you.

Where? Stalker.

You told me at the apartment the other day.

And plus, you can't say stuff like that.

People already scared of black people.

True. And, I'm dark, too.

And I'm dark.

Yes. Um-hmm.

Um-hmm.

No, I'm sorry, again.

I just, I just got so much in my mind.

Okay. No stalker, just a passionate black woman, people.

Just a passionate black woman.

What?

Eat your tacos and drink your water. Be quiet.

You'll have the cops rolling up on me.

I know, right?

Look at him.

For your first date?

Yeah.

Me, leaving like this?

Um, better than me leaving like that.

That is true.

I'm mixed! I'm mixed! I'm-

♪ Anything for you ♪

♪ I'd do anything ♪

♪ I'd do anything ♪

♪ I'd do anything ♪

♪ That you can dream ♪

♪ Baby we'll be King and Queen ♪

♪ You or me ♪

♪ You or me ♪

♪ It's destiny ♪

♪ It's destiny ♪

♪ It's destiny ♪

Um.

Let's see what you've been up to, Mr. Cheerful.

You been way too happy lately.

And there's a reason why.

Ooh!

It smell nice in here.

Is that candles or is that incense?

I need to get my place smellin' like this!

Uh, whoa, don't! Focus!

What are you hiding?

He love that dog!

Oh, oh, you read? Okay.

Tasha?

What the-

What!

Yo, Tyrone?

Yeah, Chester?

Marco?

Polo!

Chester!

Cyanide?

What!

Thanks, Chester.

What!

Ho!

Ooh-ho!

Ho-ho-ho!

Oh, you stalkin'.

Oh, you gettin' yo stalk on!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Yeah.

I knew you wasn't Mr. Rogers!

I got yo ass!

Airball!

Airball!

Game's not over yet.

It will be when I go to the bank and cash this check.

Ugh!

Agh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Insufficient funds.

Hey-

Hey, man. Hey, hey brother.

Look, I, um,

I got something to tell you.

Yeah?

What is it you wanna tell me?

You got an H?

Ooh!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Leaving it up there!

Your shot.

So, you wanted to tell me something?

You know what?

Ooh.

Someone's distracted.

All right.

Let's make it easy on you.

Simple layup.

Ugh! Agh!

Agh!

Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-how!

Ooh! Look at that.

Material toe.

Okay.

♪ I'm a giant out here ♪

♪ So I can barely just see what you talkin' bout ♪

♪ You fearin' me ♪

♪ I'm out there sellin' salt ♪

3,

2,

1!

Oh!

Come on, you got it, you got it, you got it, yeah-

Uh! Umph!

♪ If you see me on TV ♪

♪ I'm jugglin' every other girl I meet ♪

♪ I'm jugglin' hittin' to the en-o-me ♪

♪ I'm ju-ju-ju-ju-ju ♪

♪ Gettin' to the en-o-me ♪

♪ I'm, ju-ju-ju-ju-ju ♪

You a wild man with the ladies.

Yes, a wild man.

You know what, that reminds me?

I, I gotta tell you this story.

I've been mean to tell you this.

Man.

So, I turned around and changed my underwear.

I mean, come on.

So, what'd you tell all the people

that you were walking with?

I told 'em I forgot my homework.

I wasn't gonna tell 'em I sharted my pants!

Oh, you know, I'm gonna use this if I ever need it.

No, no, no.

You cannot use this.

You better not tell anyone.

I'm trusting you with my dirty laundry.

Literally, dude.

Chester.

What the-

Please forgive me, Sensei,

I don't mean to overstep my boundaries.

Derek, what are you talking about?

And, why does your breath smell like peppermint now?

He's not who he says he is.

And yes, I just sucked on three peppermint gummy bears.

Yeah, I didn't even know they had those.

But, it's something you should have done years ago.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Make all the jokes you want.

But I know the truth, and I feel like it's my

civil responsibility to inform you, Sensei.

What are you talking about?

Hmm. Uh, oop!

Recognize that handwriting?

Where did you get those?

From your apartment.

Duh!

How'd you get in my apartment?

I broke in.

Duh,

again!

You're the landlord.

Why didn't you just use a key?

Because that's illegal!

Triple duh!

Look tight.

Oh, oh, hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! This is great! He-he!

Ah, Tasha, right on time.

Come, join the party.

I have something for you as well, I believe.

Um-hmm.

Darren.

Please?

Don't.

Heh-heh! Oh, yes. I am.

Oh!

My lady.

I'm not your lady.

Okay.

Uh, anyway,

uh-

Looks like a little someone has been doing some stalking.

Can anybody say creepy? I can.

Creepy!

You've been following me and taking pictures?

Look, it's not what you think.

And you're supposed to, to kill me?

You're a, you're a hitman?

Well, n-no.

Wha-what?

You're a killer?

Whew! A stalker and a hitman.

Damn, dude, that's rough!

Shut up! Shut up!

So all this hanging out, and, and, and taking walks.

This was just to get close to me so that you can,

so that you can kill me?

No.

Look, Ty, I like hanging out with you, and going on walks,

and you know, walking on the beach,

and horseback riding in the sunset.

I love doing ping-pong.

I love the cake decorating class that we took together.

I love tummy sticks.

No one plays tummy sticks like we do.

You taught me to chip, and I try to chip as well as you,

but I can't.

But I watch a form all the time.

I like all that.

I like the things that we do.

Me too.

But, this stuff, I do-, that's what I don't understand.

This doesn't sound fun. Snake bite?

Pool accident?

Cyanide.

Bee sting?

I'm allergic to bees. You know this!

"My Girl"?

Are you gay?

What? What?

What? No!

Why would you say that?

No! Um, no-

Eh, I was thinking the same thing.

Shut up!

Look. I'm, I'm sorry.

I love hanging out with you.

An, an, and not in a gay way.

And even if you were gay, it wouldn't matter.

Cause you're a great dude.

And Tasha, yes.

I took photos of you, but it's not what you think.

I can explain the whole thing.

Something a creepy man would say.

You know what?

Save it.

I don't wanna know.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Now, did you wanna-

You look tired.

Look-

Oh, Chester.

Well, looks like you are-

Ump!

Stay the hell out of my apartment.

I don't need you!

I don't need anyone!

Just go!

That's it!

Are you gonna order some food?

Because the tea's not gonna be enough.

It's my appetite.

So, I'll say when it's enough.

And, it's two teas.

Oh, you can count.

Great. Two teas.

Not gonna cut it.

Starbucks, right down the street.

You know what, when my friend comes,

we'll order some food.

How bout that?

Good.

You better, cause I charge for splitting checks.

What? So don't be cute.

And I'll add gratuity automatically.

Like, aut-

Like, automatically.

What is happening right now?

I thought Felicity meant happiness.

Geez!

Hey, there.

Hi!

Are you ready to order?

Oh, my goodness.

He just sat down.

Don't you have some

ketchup or mustard to marry, or somethin'?

No, Manager John, or whatever the poop your name is.

I don't!

Thanks for checking in. Already did it.

Do you wanna order some food?

Yes, sweetheart.

And sorry about the-

It's fine.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, please.

Homeless.

May I please have a lemonade, the sandwich special,

and some fries, please?

Of course.

Thank you.

Okay.

I'm charging you for both teas.

He ordered a lemonade.

Can I-

Both teas!

Order.

Is this for me?

Were you, uh, just gonna have me drink this,

and keel over right here?

Or were you gonna stab me in the back as I leave?

What? No!

Wow! That's a great plan.

But, I would have to wait till the poison sets in,

or I'd have to carry a body out.

And then, if I did that, there'd be a witness.

So if I act and there was a witness, she would've saw,

and I would've been a witness, so I would have to kill

the witness, and it would've been a bloody mess, and-

You know what? No.

Forget about it.

Look, Ty.

Tyrone.

Tyrone. I asked you here cause I wanted to apologize.

Apologize for what? For being a liar?

Trying to kill me? Or being a total fart-neck?

I wanted to apologize for trying to kill you.

I wasn't gonna kill you.

Did you think about it?

Well?

To be honest, I thought about a lot of crazy things,

and I needed money.

Did you?

I did.

But, when I met you, it just confirmed what I thought.

Confirmed what?

That, what I thought about doing was a dumb-ass thing.

And, I would've never done anything like that.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Smells delicious.

Oh, please.

Can I order today?

What do you want?

I'll take a tuna melt, well-done fries,

and a lot less attitude.

Oh, let me write that down.

Tuna melt.

Fries. Well, okay.

Less attitude.

Is that what you're looking for?

What is, uh, you would think I tried to kill her.

Too soon?

Look, Tyrone, I was down on my luck, and, you know,

Lois Lane needed surgery, and I saw a financial opportunity

and, and I just took it.

This is a really great sandwich.

Look, I've done some dumb-ass things in my life,

and this is probably the biggest.

That was pretty stupid.

Uh, I almost feel bad for calling the cops.

You, you called the cops?

Look, I understand.

I mean, I hated the way things went down, and,

I didn't mean to hurt you.

You're a great dude, and,

I-

Blew a great friendship.

You really, you really think we are friends?

Yeah, I did.

Did you really enjoy hanging out, and doing all those

adventures as friends?

I do.

Okay.

You're forgiven, and I didn't call the cops.

What?

Yeah, come on.

I knew you couldn't kill anyone.

You couldn't even kill that little cricket in the park.

Hey little one. Where you goin'?

They're gonna step on you.

Oh, no! Nah! Oh, I wanna hug you, too!

But go this way.

But I do wanna know is, who put you up to this?

Me, too.

Holy Satan's children, where do you come from?

It's called customer service.

I know it surprises you.

Are you good?

Better now that you're here.

Okay, that's too much. Okay.

Do you like pickles?

I love 'em.

Okay. I'll get you extras.

I am not gonna be refilling both those teas.

I'll be back.

Look, Tyrone.

I don't think you want know the details.

Yeah, I do.

I wanna know who hates me enough to want to kill me.

I mean, I'm a good person.

I don't get into trouble.

I've got a good loving family.

I mean, I don't have too many friends,

except for the one who tried to kill me.

It was your sister.

What?

My sister?

Sarah?

My sister?

That's, that's insane.

I mean, I, wh-what did I do that was so bad?

I always thought we were-

That we were doing so well.

Really?

Yeah.

You didn't notice how mean she's been to you?

Hey, Tyrone, are you done with my iron?

Uh! Ah!

Sarah, are you okay?

You're gonna spill it! Sorry, wait-

Get away!

Well she's always been kind of awful,

but I always figured it was PMS.

For 20 years?

That does seem like a long time, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I don't think a woman can have PMS for more than 30 days.

Oh look, who's a gynecologist?

On the behalf of all women, stop.

My shift's about to end.

Aww.

I know. Stop it.

What those face?

I forgot the pickles.

Anyway, you better be paying for this.

For his meal.

This little Taiwanese angel. Are you Thai?

I am.

You are?

I could tell it's, you know what it is.

It's the bottom lip.

I am. And can we get a little privacy please?

Yep.

I can't believe my sister was trying to kill me.

That's insane.

I mean, what did I do that was so bad?

Sometimes you just, you think you know a person, then bam!

They're trying to kill you, myself excluded, please.

It's just so weird.

Like,

I mean, I thought I was always so nice to her.

Uh! So embarrassing! I can't wait till I get

my license so your stupid face doesn't

have to take me to the mall anymore.

Oh, I don't mind.

I like taking you places and meeting your friends.

Uh, as if!

No, you do not talk to my friends.

Just hurry up and pull out.

Hey! Is, is Pugjin around?

Huh!

This is why we're always late, you and that stupid dog.

Just hurry me up!

No, Pugjin isn't even back here!

You sure? Is he back there?

Is he pooping?

Sometimes he likes to poop in that corner here.

Okay! Come mere!

Pugjin!

Oh, oh,

oh, no!

Pugjin!

Yeah. At least he won't make us late anymore.

Well, that's it.

Being nice doesn't cut it all the time.

But, at least you're not gonna die.

Not by me, at least.

You're good at this moment.

Look,

If I call the police and tell them that

she was trying to kill me, she'll go to jail.

Uh, me, too.

But I don't wanna hurt her.

Oh yeah, I can see that.

She only tried to kill you.

So,

once again, too nice.

Too nice.

Oh, you two are still here?

Yeah. We're the only two, still.

And we haven't paid the check.

I know that.

We'll be outta your hair really soon.

Well, for clarity, you don't have to be outta my hair.

You can sit right in my hair.

Get in my-

Ha-ha, anyway.

But you, okay? Not a fan.

The only way you'll get outta my hair,

is if you go away for life.

You know what?

That's kind of,

that's kind of genius.

I know.

Not you.

Do you know any lawyers?

I'm surprised you don't.

That's racist.

Oh, this white sugar needs to be filled.

My cousin Bruce, he's, he's technically a lawyer.

I mean, does University of Phoenix count?

Anyhow, he's got this diploma on his wall.

I think he printed it out himself.

We should just go check him out tomorrow morning.

Yeah.

You know what? We got some work to do.

We gotta go see your cous.

Oh.

I'm gonna need change for that.

Sure.

. No, I'm just kidding.

Got you.

Oh! You're still a dick.

Sir, you should find another friend.

You should find another job.

This is my cafe.

It's no wonder, no one's here.

And put out an ad for more patreons in your diner.

Nobody's here because,

because they opened a Chipotle.

Yeah. This is Bruce's building.

Wow. This is nice.

Yeah. Wait till you see the inside.

Really?

Oh, nice. Look, he's got a new sign.

Last one said, "Stay blasian with the power of Asian".

Yeah. That's not any better.

Hmm.

Wait a minute. His real name is Bruce Lee?

Yeah, he's named after our fifth cousin.

What?

Am I the only one with my freaking out inside right now?

Cause that's Bruce, that's the Master.

Whoaoaoa-

Okay, why don't you be like water and freeze for a second?

Oh.

What he say?

He says "The door's open", duh.

Oh. How would I do that if I'm not Asian?

You know what?

This a miscommunication here, right now.

We having a misunderstanding.

You need to teach me Mandarin. Ni hao!

Sorry. Sorry.

Ey! What up, cous-o?

Huh-huh-hayay!

What's going on?

Ah, you know, my sister's trying to kill me?

Ah, yeah. I figured this day would come.

Ey, yo, I'm Bruce Lee.

What up?

Hey, I'm, Chest-

Whoop! Chester-

Oop, Chester Boyd.

Oh! Oh yeah, yeah, that's right!

Hey, oh! That worked great!

You on it, bro.

Ha-ha! It's cool. It's cool.

It runs in the family.

Not you.

So, weren't you surprised that, um,

she was trying to kill him?

Yeah, but that bitch is crazy.

I told you something was off with her

back when we were kids.

She tried to set my cat on fire.

Yeah. Sorry about Lucky.

Why?

Why don't you two gentlemen have a seat?

So, what happened?

Well, she tried to kill him, and, she hired me to do it.

But, I don't want to go to jail,

cause I'm too sensitive for it.

Hmm. Damn, bro.

I feel y'all.

Totally go y'all.

Cous, you can't, you can't-

Yes, he can.

Oh, yeah. In this situation, he can say that.

Absolutely. It's called jive.

Yeah.

Is it still called jive?

Yes.

Okay. Yeah, it's jive.

So, my brother, what do we do?

Well,

first thing-

Damn! That's hot.

Oh.

Aw, son-of-a-

Aw, damn it!

First off, did she offer you any money?

Yes?

Uh-uh.

Oh, it's a no bueno.

Uh, that means "No good" in Spanish.

Yeah, I know.

Si habla Espanol?

Si.

Impressionante.

And, how much did she give you?

12,000 Up front.

That's it?

Really?

Should have asked for at least a hundred thousand.

Actually, that really doesn't matter.

As long as you took even $1, that means you're guilty.

Then why'd you ask?

Just kind of nosy.

Is it a Asian thing?

Okay, well, so here's the deal.

You need to prove that she set the whole thing up,

and that you were not involved.

How do we do that?

Uh, as your lawyer, I can't tell you that.

But, you're not my lawyer.

You're my cousin.

Bing-bong!

Very good, cous, very good.

Uh, yeah.

All right.

How about this?

If you can get her to admit to this on tape,

we can use that.

And, hopefully she's not gonna mention you.

Ooh, that's a great idea.

We just have to figure out how.

I just told you how to do that.

You did? You did?

Yes.

Wait a minute, I didn't hear a plan.

I didn't hear anything, either.

Oh my God, guys, just think about what I said.

"How about this?

If you can get her to admit to this on tape,

we can use that.

And hopefully she's not gonna mention you...

Oh! Oh!

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I get-

Yeah, that was a little vague.

Very.

Fine.

But, you guys are walking a very slippery slope here.

Now, if you fail, you're gonna end up

in jail for a very, very long time.

Well, actually, you're gonna have fun in jail.

You, you'll be fine, just sister-less.

Wait, wait.

Well, how long we talking?

Oh, at least 15, 20 years.

Oh, I, I, I can't do that.

I won't make it.

No, no.

I don't want my friend to go to jail.

So, so, so, we gotta nail this ball to the wall.

What?

Do you mean you're gonna nail this bioch to the wall?

Or, are you gonna go balls to the wall?

Either or.

Both! And don't call my sister a bitch, please.

But she tried to kill you.

I know, but you know what I mean.

Like, we just gotta make sure you don't go to jail.

Okay? I agree.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hear it brother.

Oh, wait!

Um, oh, ah!

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

What if I set up a meeting with her,

and we can get her admitting it,

and maybe she'll bite.

Uh.

Look, this is crazy.

Like I, I was so good to her.

It's just absolutely crazy why she would wanna-

Oh! Oh, it's not about you, bro.

It's about the money she'll get if you're gone.

What?

Yeah. Well you see, I did some paperwork

for your parents a little while ago.

Uh, we did their will,

and they left their entire inheritance to you.

That's whoa!

And it's worth quite a lot.

Look, I don't care about money.

I care about family, right?

And then, plus she makes her own money.

I make my own money.

It's 36 million dollars.

Game changer.

Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth.

Holy crap!

And if you die, it all goes to her.

Okay, okay.

You know, I, I know somebody.

I know a PI who might be able to help you out with this.

Now, he's, he works out of his home.

He's little bit off, but I think,

he can really help you out.

Look, I just think that,

you have to stand up for yourself sometimes.

Especially to the people that are not as nice to you.

It's cool.

It's better that I know.

And, and you're right.

You know, I've been told that I'm too nice

by a lot of people, and I'm sure casting directors

can tell, and probably caused me a few jobs, you know?

Bump it.

No more Mr. Nice Guy!

My sister aint getting a dime from my parents!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Why in the hell

are y'all two

screaming in front of my crib?

Like two teenage girls.

I'm not a teenager.

You Tyrone?

Uh, that's kind of racist.

I wasn't talkin' to you, fool!

Okay.

Him!

Yes, sir, I am.

That's great!

Come on in, guys.

I'm making some great breakfast.

That sounds good as hell.

What is going on?

Would you guys like a kale and almond butter smoothie?

I would love one. Thanks.

I'm good. You got anything else?

What?

Hey, um, by the way, I'm Chester, what's your name, again?

Oh, forget my rudeness.

I'm Brooke.

Oh, wow. What a cool name.

Yeah.

That's not really his name.

My mom named me after my grandfather,

who was one of the Tuskegee airmen.

Oh, nice.

Okay, nevermind.

What's a Tuskegee?

I'll explain later.

Okay.

Hey, Brooke. Um, okay.

My cousin says you can help us?

Oh, yeah.

Bruce said that you guys might be in some trouble,

and that you were possibly going to prison.

Man, that would suck big time!

Yes. Yes it would.

Investigators heading to hat-

Lucky for you, I still have a few friends

in the force who weren't involved in my HR investigation,

and I'll make sure that they keep your name out of it.

Oh, that's awesome!

Thanks.

Thanks so much.

Dead wrong.

Next, on "To catch a necrophiliac".

Um, Brooke?

What's up?

What you doin'?

Uh, "To catch a Necrophiliac" is coming on.

You guys wanna watch?

Yeah.

No. Um-um. We can't.

No.

I'm not doing it.

Uh, I'm sorry. We can't.

We need to send a woman to jail who's trying to kill him.

Oh yeah, you're right.

I probably shouldn't be the one watching this anyway. Huh?

That's a violation of my-

But I figure, you know, since you guys are here,

we might wanna just kick it a little bit.

Since, I don't usually have a lot of company these days,

and you know, when I do, I, it, it feels good.

Well maybe we could.

Nope. We can't.

Um-um.

Hey, Brooke.

You know what, we can hang, right?

We can play pool, play golf, you know, slap bones.

Just later.

Uh, cause we gotta move on this, like, right now.

I feel ya.

Yeah, I guess I'll just go get my equipment.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

We can't hang here.

I'm not trying to go to jail.

Did you see how lonely you was?

It's true.

He needs friends.

You put yourself in his position.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Did you just woman-cold-shoulder me?

Ey!

Oh!

Do you wanna get killed?

No, I don't.

Okay.

Thanks for asking.

Um-hmm. And-

Can we not do this now?

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, Brooke.

Um, you forgot the equipment.

No I didn't.

Oh.

You sure you don't want a smoothie?

You know what?

Sure thing. I'll take one.

Ty? Another one?

Oh. I'm, I'm good.

Thanks, Brooke.

I'm on a keto diet.

So, Brooke, do you have something for us?

Maybe like, um, I don't know, a wire tap or-

Wire? Ha-ha! Wire are so old school.

Besides, the last guy who wore a wire

got caught and burned alive.

Would you like ice?

I'm good.

Room temps fine.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Better without, right?

Yummy.

You think?

Yep!

Better than Jamba. Ha-Ha!

It's delicious.

Oh.

Thanks, bro.

But, I really don't need to be writing anything down.

Ah!

But you do need

to hear what's being said.

Oh!

The pen is a tap!

Yes!

Yes!

Brilliant.

Can I get it to go, to go cup?

Please?

Testing, testing. Te-

They can't hear me.

Or, they can hear me, but I can't hear them.

If they answer, they're not gonna answer.

Doesn't matter.

Hey.

Ah! Holy Satan's child! Don't do that.

Why are we here again?

And, why were you guys have Bruce's firm?

Oh, because Tyrone wanted me to meet-

Wait, hey, are you following us?

Yes.

Because you are not doing what I asked.

And,

what exactly did you ask?

What?

What, what do you need me to do?

Don't play dumb with me.

Do what you said you would do, so I can get on with my life.

Stop playing games!

Okay. I just wanna be clear.

What do you want me to do?

Your

damn

Damn it!

Damn it, I went in for the kiss.

Okay. I just wanna be clear.

What do you want me to do?

Your damn job.

Yeah, well, aside from her punking you, you got nothing.

I-I-I didn't get punked.

I was, I was being cautious.

She did seem like she was onto him.

Yeah. That's one smart cookie, you know?

I tell you what.

Yeah, she smelled really good.

Sorry.

Yeah. Well, I am sorry, guys, but,

this just isn't enough evidence to cut it.

It's, none of this is gonna stand up.

You need to start thinking outside the box, and I mean,

like, really outside the box.

Like in a, using a different shipping company,

outside the box.

Yeah. Because they use really big boxes to-

Okay, that was terrible. That was really awful.

That was bad.

That's embarrassing. That was God awful.

Oh, come on.

That joke kills all my real clients.

Are they five years old? Are they eight?

And you know what I mean.

Like, for Christ, you're an actor.

Why don't you do what actors do?

Make stuff up, huh?

Geez. He-he.

That's it!

That's it!

Oh, sorry.

It's okay.

Uh, you might wanna try decaf.

That might help. Yeah. Oh!

Sorry.

It's, it's okay.

Listen, um, when I met Sarah, she was there waiting

for the real plumber, but he never showed.

No. And that's a good thing,

cause if you had, you'd be dead.

Ha-ha-ha! Thanks.

Listen, the point is, she doesn't know

what the real plumber looks like.

So, maybe if we went as a real plumber-

Yeah.

We can get her to say that she set the whole thing up.

That is genius.

Well, I thought so myself.

Uh, there's just one little thing I'm bumping on.

Why do you not have a shirt on?

I'm just wondering that myself.

That's-

No, no.

How are you gonna pull this off?

If she already knows who you are, and she's your sister?

All right, you, you guys cannot bring in

any more people on this thing.

Now, as your attorney I strongly advise against it.

Oh, I got it, again.

Okay, Family Feud.

I think I know someone who can help us.

I'm really good friends with her and her boyfriend.

You know, I'm sick and- This elementary school?

Tired of your excuses! What, you wanna go and chop

It's excuse after excuse. That rule?

What are you, 10? Does that feel good?

What are you, 12? Are you- Yeah, you would enjoy that.

Prepubescent? Are you back- You would like to-

To prepuberty? It looks- Belittle me. Every time!

Like you might be! Is it because he's here?

You know what? You wanna make me feel-

Maybe Chester can weigh in- Small? Always. You know wha-

On this situation. You know what? Really.

Ex-boyfriend, sorry.

So you're saying there's a chance.

I am.

Uh!

Oh, that makes it better.

Wait, so you need a mask.

Yes. Yes.

Sorry to come at you like this, but it is life and death.

Yeah.

I just can't believe that you remember

I do special effects from our conversation over a year ago.

Yeah, well, it's our industry so,

you never know when you're gonna need it.

Yeah. Well, when do you need it?

Today. Now.

Whoa, whoa.

You're kidding, right?

No.

You're not kidding.

Okay.

Well, clear your schedules,

cause it's gonna take at least six hours.

Six hours.

Sweet. Sweet.

Oop.

♪ I am the candle, you're the wind. ♪

Coming over.

♪ You turn me on ♪

Yeah, that's my sensitive ear.

♪ And then you put me down again ♪

♪ Like a painting in the rain ♪

And you're not allergic to anything?

No, just, uh, just, uh, Head and Shoulders.

How's that feel? Okay?

♪ And I don't want to be part of your games ♪

He's so funny.

You know, we women smother this kind

of stuff on our face all the time.

Okay. I got. I got it.

She's got it. She's-

You like Charles Barkley.

He's got control issues.

Yeah, you gotta hold kind of still, okay?

♪ I just wanna be your ♪

I think we're ready. And now it just has to harden.

Okay, now don't move.

Don't even blink.

Very good.

You must do yoga.

Um-hmm.

Yeah.

Holy snap finger.

You can say that again.

Holy snap finger.

It's all right.

Okay. So, you can come by tomorrow to pick it up.

It needs to dry overnight.

Gloria, thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Really, really appreciate you for doing this.

Hey, uh, I was thinking maybe after-

Just ask her already!

I'm getting tired! Shut up!

You're insulting my game!

Uh!

I was thinking that after like, you know,

once everything's done.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Awesome.

What!

Are you still needing your pipes cleaned?

Excuse me?

I guess you took care of your plumbing lines already.

Who is this?

The plumber in green.

You never showed up.

Actually, I did.

You seem more interested in that

busted Kevin Hart than taking care of your pipes.

Well, I don't do three ways.

Well, I do actually, FFM.

Wait, so that, wasn't your associate?

How long do you think it'll take to get the job done?

Depends on how thoroughly you want your pipes clean.

I mean, we can do a 10 minute session,

or we can go until you're completely satisfied.

Oh!

Plumbing.

Oh, well I, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know that you came.

Ugh.

I mean, you were there.

Actually, yes, I do still need my pipes cleaned.

I'm not sure you're serious.

I can't waste my time.

I have a lot of pipes to clean.

Actually, I just wanna be very clear.

You are talking about killing somebody, right?

Yes.

But please, let's just stick to the terminology.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yes.

Well, I mean, mean it's good that you're busy.

I think, that's good.

It is. Now I will text you a meeting place.

So come alone, and with the payment.

Wait.

Um,

actually,

I have two bad pipes now.

Is that a problem?

Is double payment a problem?

Not at all.

Good.

I'll be in touch.

Now you and your bestie can get cleaned.

Oh, I hope this works.

Hello?

Hello?

Looking for someone?

Ah! Hey! It's me!

Hey! Hey! It's me!

I'm the Plumber!

I'm sorry. I, you never know!

Goodness, I, I thought you were trying to rob me.

So I had to be ready.

I almost pepper sprayed you.

Guess I'm lucky just to get a bag to the face.

But I'm straight.

Yes.

What pipes do you need cleansing, exactly?

I need you to kill my brother and his stupid ass friend.

Okay, well that was. Uh-

Do you have a picture of these two handsome young men?

I wouldn't say handsome.

I mean, they're alright.

This is some sweet ass.

Who cares?

He'll be on the golf course tomorrow

playing that dumb-ass game.

They're trying to be Tiger Woods, more like Tigger Forest.

That's not very nice.

Say what?

Nothing. Yeah. Take out "Rush Hour".

Yes, make it look like an accident.

Make it a good one.

Telling me how to do my job?

No!

Sorry.

I'm sure you're very good at your job.

I'm the best.

Okay.

Cash?

Yes.

Sorry.

Here you go.

This is down payment, like you asked.

Sure you wanna do this?

Yes. I'm sure.

What's in it for you?

I get what I truly deserve.

I'm not the adopted one.

I'm their child!

Not some charity case.

Oh, hell no.

I want what's rightfully mine!

It's too bad.

I loved you.

What are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?

Being a damn good actor.

You are a terrible sister.

I'm so disappointed.

What are you talking about?

Don't play games.

It's too late.

I need you to kill my brother

and his stupid ass-

I can't believe you tried to set me up!

But it won't work.

Yeah?

Well, I can't believe you tried to kill me for money.

But, that won't work either, will it?

Hmm.

We can't always get what we want.

So that was your favorite song, wasn't it?

How original?

Get her, boys.

Uh. Take her, boys.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

You gonna hit me?

Aww! Stop with the bag!

Stay down, lady!

Oh, my goodness.

You smell good.

What are you wearing?

Freeze!

Oh, whoa!

Whoa!

Officers!

Thank goodness, you're here!

These goons, they tried to attack me!

Wasn't me.

Arrest them, please.

Is the coast clear?

It's all clear, Bruce.

Come on out, buddy.

We've got this from here.

What are you doing?

Sarah Lee, you're under arrest for attempted manslaughter.

Wha-wha-

You'll hear from my lawyers!

This isn't over!

Uh! Let go of me!

Mr. Lee, we heard everything.

She's going away for a long time.

You don't have to worry about her.

But, damn, she fine!

And she smell good!

Right?

Spicy!

Hey, Bruce.

Can you tell Brooke I said thanks

for getting my brother outta that jam?

Absolutely.

And thank you so much for taking care of my cousin.

Okay, let me, uh, and-

Okay, enough with the slappy things.

Everything's right here.

On this little pen.

Oh, the little pen?

Okay.

Hey, do, do you think it, it got the tackle?

Cause I really felt like Neo from the Matrix.

Bullet time. That's what he's doing, guys.

It's kind of his thing.

Except, the pen is really a sound thing.

Not really a visual thing.

Let's get outta here.

It's bullet time.

By the way, do you ever have one of Brooke's smoothies?

Yes. Yes I have, with the almonds.

Good job, my brother.

Ah, you did it.

Am I my brother's keeper?

You are my brother's keeper.

Ooh. Ooh!

So, what next?

I have an idea.

You still have the money, right?

Yeah.

Sweet.

So, yeah.

Oh, okay.

You should say something.

Nope, I messed up.

Let it go.

Yes, you did.

Hey, uh, my name's Chester.

I wanna talk to you.

Okay, look, she got her arms folded.

You don't approach a sister

when her arms are folded like that.

Yes.

Oh.

What is it?

Um.

Hi.

Listen, I messed up.

And, I wasn't stalking you.

No. And you weren't trying to kill him?

Well, yes.

No.

Yes. No.

Wait.

Listen, I, I took a job,

but I wasn't gonna go through with it.

And it was stupid.

As for you, yes, I took photos of you, but,

I only did it for research.

Research?

Yeah. Whenever I write a script, or I try to,

I pull photos of, you know, people that I think,

you know, are similar to my characters.

And I needed a strong independent woman, who looks

like she could hold her own in a bar fight.

So, you're saying I look rough?

No, you didn't get any of the strong,

independent stuff that I was-

Okay. It was stupid.

It was stupid.

And I was a jerk to both of you.

And, and I'm sorry.

I-I know the true valuable friendship, because,

when you do stupid things, you, you lose friends,

and you, I don't wanna do that.

So again, I have to say, I'm sorry.

Okay.

What?

Really?

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah.

I ran into Tyrone the other day,

and he explained it all to me.

We both know that you couldn't kill anyone, and,

you and I have only had one date so far.

What-, really?

Wait a minute. You two?

Gotcha.

Oh!

Oh, okay.

Okay.

You know what, I'll call you.

Or I'll knock on your door.

No more pictures.

Okay. No more pictures.

Stalker.

No more stalking.

I won't do it. Thanks again.

Bye.

Bye.

♪ I don't like dancing but ♪

♪ I like dancing with you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ And I can't hold a tune but ♪

♪ I'd sing anything for you ♪

♪ Ooh-Oo ♪

♪ Though I'm afraid of♪

♪ The tallest mountain twice♪

♪ If you were on the other side ♪

♪ Cause darlin' I would do ♪

♪ Anything for you ♪

Come on, Brooke.

Put down, put down a chip! Ah!

Don't rush me.

Uh-

Yeah, that's a good one.

Go ahead. Play that.

Uh-huh. There you go.

It works.

Good play, bro.

It wasn't that good.

It was act-

Okay.

Uno.

Oh, um.

Good smoothie.

What?

It's tasty.

Uh-uh.

Uh!

Come on.

All right.

Oop, uh-uh-uh-uh!

I..

Unlike some people,

learn from experience.

Oh, good one!

Yeah, see?

Yeah, am I getting better?

Oh. Oh, oh, oh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Watch this.

How'd you like-

Oh!

Nice one, cous.

Nice!

Uh, come on.

Well, I think I'm calling,

Domino, you sons-of-bitches!

Brooke.

I mean, come on Brooke.

We've been through this like four times already.

It's not,

It's domino, yeah.

With some of that, yeah-

Feeling.

Um, yeah-

Domino's, motherf-

♪ It's destiny ♪